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Sept. 13, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

02:26:35

E408 Bert Kreischer

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, podcaster and actor. Catch him on tour the rest of the year https://www.bertbertbert.com Bert Kreischer returns to This Past Weekend for the third time. He chats with Theo about life on the road, gym shower horror stories, his life-changing experience riding a horse and more. ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://www.amazon.com/stores/CELSIUS/ShopNow/page/95D581F4-E14E-4B01-91E7-6E2CA58A3C29 BlueChew: Try it at https://www.BlueChew.com with promo codeTHEO Keeps: Visit https://www.Keeps.com/THEO to learn more BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://betterhelp.com/theo RocketMoney: Start canceling your unused subscriptions and save money at https://rocketmoney.com/theo ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	Get that hitter, baby.
	He's on his Birdie Boy relapse tour for the rest of this year.
	He just wrapped up his fully loaded tour this summer.
	And you can see new episodes of his Somethings Burning cooking show on YouTube.
	I'm grateful to have him here today.
	one of the hardest working men in comedy, Mr. Bert Kreischer.
	Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I've been singing I love you I love you So like, I don't know the benefit.
	You know, like, like Tim Dylan, what's he used, right?
	Maybe, maybe the best podcaster we have of our general.
	You and Tim Dylan are probably the two best podcasters I know that I enjoy watching.
	I love Rogan.
	Rogan's obviously the king.
	I love watching Rogan, but I love watching you and Tim the way you guys think.
	Now, price point-wise, right?
	Say there's, let's talk about these companies that come in.
	They go, we're doing it right.
	We spent $50,000 on cameras.
	We spent $100,000 on microphones.
	We got a state-of-the-art board.
	And then you go, what about just a laptop?
	One of those.
	Yeah.
	So, right?
	Right.
	But I do think that if you, I do think, here's what I learned from Rogan.
	If you invest a little more money in it, you care more.
	And if you care more, you get a better product.
	I think that that's probably true.
	And I think guests come and they see that you care more.
	It feels more eloquent.
	Yeah, it's one of the reasons like sometimes it's like, I would like to get into like a nicer studio space.
	Like our studio is great.
	It's very good.
	But it's like, but then also, you don't want to go too corporate of a studio where it feels like, where it doesn't feel like rogue, you know?
	Yeah.
	And you also don't want to do it out of your house, which I've been doing for the past fucking eight years.
	And so people are like, do you live here?
	And you're like, oh, okay.
	Is that your daughter?
	Can I meet her?
	And you're like, Georgia, grab a towel.
	Yeah.
	She's doing audio for us right now, but as soon as this shows.
	Like, I want to get bigger guesses.
	You know who I want to get?
	I'm being dead serious.
	We talked about this a little bit.
	And I think you're the only person to get this.
	Don't let me guess who it is.
	If you guess it, if you guess it, I'll spend the rest of the show with my flip-flop in my mouth.
	Oh, dude, that's going to mess up the chat.
	But I'll try.
	Let me see.
	Can I ask for a clue or not?
	Yes.
	Okay.
	Is it a black person?
	No.
	There are a couple that I'd like to get on.
	I'd like to get on.
	I like Killer Mike on.
	I like Killer Mike.
	I like Snoop on.
	I like Big Boy from Outcast.
	I'd like T.I. I gave a shout out to T.I. about his car.
	Keep saying stuff.
	You're just eliminating guests, I was going to guess.
	Oh, yeah, that's right.
	So you going with the white dude?
	I'm going with a white dude.
	I think he's white.
	I don't even know his name, to be honest with you.
	It's hot in here, guys.
	Can y'all cut that AC on?
	I drank a lot yesterday and I woke up in the middle of the night in a fucking fizzle.
	I mean, I was so hot.
	And all of a sudden, my body went and fucking poured sweat back to sleep.
	Uh-uh.
	Yeah.
	Like, almost like when a truck stops and it's like, it woke me up.
	I was so hot.
	My fucking wife, Leanne, was like, you got a cape?
	You got a cape?
	Hey, ba.
	This is how Leanne talks.
	I'm doing this impression of Leanne.
	She fucking hates it.
	And I got off stage in Lana, say, this weekend.
	And Dave Williamson's like, I think you're doing Theo.
	As Leanne?
	He's like, yeah, Leanne never says gang gang when she sucks your dick.
	Gang gang, son.
	But, hey, boss.
	All I need to know about Diet Coke, so I dropped him on the bottom of the boat.
	Let him have seen drinking by Diet Coke.
	I ain't drinking Diet Coke.
	That's all I need to know about Diet Coke right now.
	Shit.
	Oh, my God.
	There's a lot of black people I'd like to have on my podcast.
	Oh, you got to get some.
	You got to bring me.
	I don't have enough black people on my podcast.
	None of us.
	Nobody does.
	Nobody does.
	Darnell's the only Darnell's money, too.
	Donnell's money.
	Darnell's money.
	But every time you think, like, man, I got to diversify a little, you're like, hey, Donnell.
	Everybody in podcasting is like that, dude.
	Kat Williams would be good.
	Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle.
	I don't count them as like in the group because they're just comics.
	I want to reach out.
	You know who I like?
	Cornell West.
	Cornell West.
	Let's bring him up.
	Is he a singer?
	No.
	Nope.
	He's not.
	He's not.
	Oh, there he is, huh?
	Dr. Cornell West.
	Oh, damn, huh?
	He's badass, dude.
	Yeah.
	Is he really like a real prolific thinker and stuff?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	He's the reason.
	I'm going to say this.
	There's no proof to what I'm about to say.
	He's the reason Chris Rock's special was so good.
	Bring the pain.
	Chris Rock started hanging around dudes like this on Sunday.
	They do like a Sunday supper where they talk about politics and talk about the world and talk about things.
	And he just hang out.
	By the way, I'm not certain what I'm saying is accurate at all.
	I might have just dreamt this.
	Yeah.
	And so I had a dream about David Spade last night.
	You did?
	Yeah, and I should call him and let him know I was thinking about him.
	But so he.
	Yeah, what happened?
	I want to know about this guy.
	Looks really interesting.
	He's really interesting.
	He's like just a thinker.
	I think he works at Harvard.
	And he just is, he's always on Bill Maher.
	And I just love him on Bill Maher.
	He's always got a good take.
	You know, some people are aligned just straight politics.
	And that bores me.
	I like a person that'll float and go like, well, those kids were wrong.
	Yeah.
	I like somebody that's got some that's got some nuance to their own ideas.
	Yeah, I don't.
	I don't.
	To their views.
	I don't have any of that.
	You don't?
	No.
	I have pretty basic views.
	Well, do you?
	And I flip-flop a lot.
	And I flip-flop a lot.
	I'm going to try this a little bit.
	But that's okay, man.
	I don't think that that's bad.
	Is there alcohol in this?
	No.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	People I want on my podcast.
	Well, let's get into it.
	Okay.
	So if it's a, I'm going to say Bill Clinton.
	It's not.
	Although he would be good.
	He would be good.
	But he would be good, like, off-camera, you know, when he's like.
	Yes.
	He's like, well, that was really good, Bert.
	Are these things still rolling?
	And I go, no.
	And he goes, man, I fuck a lot of bitches when I was president.
	My favorite thing to do, come in them.
	Just come in them and go, yeah, take that.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's presidential seat, baby.
	And spit in their mouths and just throw a towel at them, go clean yourself up.
	Hey, get back on the bench, babe.
	Go razor back.
	Hey, what'd you like?
	Was it like starting for the first time?
	Go razor backs.
	Go razor backs.
	Dude, when you think about the fact that he went to, that he's out of the University of Arkansas, him and Hillary straight up met at the University of Arkansas, dude.
	Yeah.
	Could pull up young pictures of Hillary.
	Was she ever like really hot?
	You could see that.
	Oh, hold on.
	Yeah.
	You could see it or like.
	Let's take some looks at her.
	Because you got to be like Jackie Onassis hot.
	Jackie Kennedy hot.
	I mean, you got to look at.
	Wow.
	I mean, Bill was not planning on doing well.
	I think Bill was looking for someone to help him with his homework.
	Look at that.
	He looks like a starting center for the Nets in 1972.
	Hi, boss.
	Hi, it's Bill Clinton.
	That's a good impression, right?
	That's pretty good.
	Hi.
	You ever think Bill Clinton said the N-word?
	Let me think about it.
	Hold on.
	I bet it's been a while.
	You better think it's been a while?
	Oh, come on.
	You think he says it recently?
	I think he's one of those guys that just still drops it every now and then.
	Just a Hillary, just a Hillary.
	Just the best, yeah.
	Who's calling you?
	He's like, it's Obama.
	Hi, oh, boy.
	Hey, what's up?
	How you doing?
	I lost it.
	I had the accent for a second.
	Let me think.
	Hey, it's Bill Clinton.
	You're getting a little fuzzy.
	A little Fozzie Rare there.
	Yeah, I get really fuzzy.
	Yeah.
	I'm not afraid of Fozzie.
	It's not Fozzie.
	I used to think Jimmy Kimmel looked like Fozzie the Bear.
	Let me think.
	Like early Jimmy O'Kimmel when he was like a little more over.
	Oh, yeah, I could see that.
	Bring up Fozzie.
	Can we get a look at an idea of what Fozzie looks like?
	Fozzie is awesome.
	No, hold on.
	Oh, that's Fozzie.
	Who am I thinking of?
	No, that's not cold.
	Driving along, it takes the fun out of my way.
	I think that a highway delicious.
	Is am I singing that right?
	I think it's a weirdo.
	Life is a highway.
	I'm going to run it all night long.
	Have you ever done anything as good as that?
	Think about that, right?
	Artistically, do you think you've put out one thing that equals that song?
	I think of that all the fucking time.
	When you think of one-hit wonders, like rat, right?
	Round and round.
	Your love will kind of wait.
	Just give it time.
	Time.
	Yeah.
	Do you think you've done anything as good as that one?
	Like, like put out one piece of work where you go, that was, that was, I take it, you, you have.
	I think there's some, there's some beats that I've put out there that are pretty good.
	I think, I think my cousin got bit by a gay is as good as round and round.
	That made me laugh so fucking hard.
	Yeah, it's a true story, man.
	It's sad, too.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	But it's like, that's what the city's going into, man.
	It's fucking Obama's aquarium out here.
	I mean, it's fucking Biden's aquarium out here, dude.
	Out on the streets here, bro.
	It's insane.
	Everybody's biting.
	I just heard about this Hunter Biden guy.
	Yeah.
	He does crack?
	He used to do it, they said.
	I don't know if he's better.
	Oh, so it's not recent?
	No.
	Oh, well, then whatever.
	I don't think.
	Everyone can grow.
	No, then, yeah, Whatever.
	I thought he was doing it like today.
	He was on Maron's podcast.
	I didn't hear it, though.
	He was on Maron's podcast?
	Wasn't he on Maron's podcast?
	I think, Zach, I think you're thinking of he was on getting dug with high.
	Oh, he was dude.
	I'm just gullible today, man.
	I feel like we haven't even started this conversation.
	Oh, he started the show?
	Yes.
	Oh, okay.
	Okay.
	He was on Mark Maron?
	Wow.
	And Mark Maron, you know Mark Maron, he'll hold you to the fire.
	Did he say?
	So tell me about the crack in the bathtub and the.
	I got to listen to it.
	Did he?
	Marin's been doing...
	With Shaub?
	Or like some of his material and stuff has been about.
	I know he has a beef with Rogan.
	He's been about it.
	I had to edit a few things out on podcasts.
	You did?
	Yeah.
	I was like, I don't fucking, I don't want to be the, I don't want to be the fucking, the fire starter between this thing.
	Yeah.
	You're going to fucking say that out loud.
	I was like.
	We can edit this out.
	It was just.
	Don't.
	Don't.
	I live a life where I try not to.
	There's shit I've said on podcasts that I completely regret.
	Yeah.
	But it's out there.
	And so if I start editing now, then I look like I've gotten so much better.
	I go, I got to keep it consistent.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I got to be kind of ignorant.
	Keep going.
	What do you, let me think about what that guest is.
	I'll give you a huge hint.
	And I still don't.
	Is it that singer pink?
	Oh, I would love to have pink.
	I would love to have pink.
	I would love to have pink and not tell my wife and daughters and have them walk in and they would fucking lose their shit.
	I'll tell you what, I'll even tell you, go this far.
	Pink and bring her boyfriend and I'll get a tattoo right there.
	Yeah, because her boyfriend does tattoo work.
	Oh, he does?
	Heart, heart and heart, heart foundation or something.
	Heart and weight.
	I like Kat Von D, boy.
	I like Kat Von D too.
	She's in recovery.
	I think her tattoos are much better now.
	Wow.
	I heard there was a period of time when they were a little sloppy.
	She was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I'm going to have the cocktail.
	And she's like, I added to it.
	She was hot.
	She still is hot as shit.
	Oh, yeah.
	She looks good, man.
	Bring her a picture of her bring up a picture of her.
	Here we go.
	She is really sexy.
	Yep.
	Yeah, she looks nice, dude.
	Was there a first before you loved your wife?
	Was there a first love for you?
	Did you ever have like Jennifer Stevens?
	Eighth grade.
	Oh.
	Eighth grade, she really dialed in what I liked in women.
	She had great feet.
	She still has great feet, I'm sure.
	Great feet?
	Feet, yeah.
	She used to sit in Mr. Yarnell's class with her foot like this, and she'd just dangle her shoe.
	Oh.
	She'd dangle her shoe.
	And I, seventh grade, eighth grade, it's the first time I realized I was straight.
	Whatever a gay kid goes through, I think that's why I'm empathetic towards like anyone who's struggling with their sexuality.
	I don't think I, maybe I haven't always been like this, but I think definitely when I realized that at that moment I was out of control, I was, I was, I wanted, I wanted tan, blonde, women for the rest of my life with gray feet.
	Gray feet had to be a thing.
	I was out of control.
	I couldn't control my thoughts.
	I never listened to Mr. Yarn L's class.
	All I really learned is about barnstorming.
	It seemed to be the only thing more interesting than Jennifer Stevens' feet.
	Did you dangle that sandal?
	And I remember being like, oh, I'm fucking, I'm bit by the bug.
	And so if you feel that way about boys and you're a boy, you know, like at the same age, eighth grade, and you're like, god damn it, man.
	But it must be crazy at that age because all boys are suddenly being like, I've been jerking off all night and you're just sitting there as a gay boy.
	You're like, it would all be so hard.
	Especially like we used to do a lot of gay shit growing up.
	Like if you got in the shower and you weren't, and you were like a little white, we'd start slapping you and then we just put handprints all over you.
	Imagine being an albino gay kid trying to figure yourself out and you get in there and everyone's like slapping you like, oh, oh.
	Hey, have you opened those cigars?
	You're like, I'm bad.
	I'm bad.
	Those cigars are really great cigars.
	They are?
	Yeah, they're touchoates.
	I don't even know those in cigars.
	But this is an interesting point.
	Because when did you find out you were straight?
	Let me thank God.
	Like, meaning it was in you.
	You went, what the fuck was that?
	You know, like, not just going like, you know, watching Wonder Woman and being like, she looks pretty or whatever, but like, you're like, I'm in love with this girl.
	I need, I want this girl in my life.
	And I got her.
	I got Jennifer Stevens.
	I dated her for like probably six months.
	Wow.
	She broke up with me to date Thompson Rankins.
	And that's the whitest name you'll ever find.
	He's the worst.
	He was the coolest dude.
	Yeah, he was cool.
	He was the first guy that taught me that it was okay to shower.
	With other dudes?
	Yeah.
	Him, Truick Gardner.
	Him and Truick Gardner.
	Okay, that's enough dudes in the shower.
	Even in the story, I feel like we need.
	You're just like Ron was there, Alan.
	They told me I needed to name my dick.
	Really?
	Yeah, they told me I was really uncomfortable.
	I was in like probably eighth grade.
	They were in ninth grade.
	And we were playing football, JV football.
	And we all had to get in the shower afterwards.
	And I was really uncomfortable.
	And by the way, I'm sorry.
	They're two grown men in their 50s with children and just sharing the story.
	And they're like, hey, man, if you're uncomfortable, this is so fucking bizarre.
	They're like, if you're uncomfortable, there's a process.
	Shower on your boxers.
	I said, for real.
	And they go, we don't care.
	If you're not comfortable with your body, shower on your boxers.
	I was like, I can shower on my boxers.
	They go, hey, it's just us.
	We don't give a shit.
	So I showered on my boxers.
	And then the next day after football practice, I came into my boxers.
	And they were like, they were like, you know, one day you're going to have to, you know, just let you know.
	Like, there's going to be other guys in here.
	It's going to be weird.
	You're in your boxers.
	It's okay with us.
	But like, one of the things you can do to help you feel a little more confident, name your dick.
	I said, for real?
	I said, yeah.
	I named my dick John Henry that day.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	I named my dick John Henry.
	And I got very comfortable showering.
	I got very comfortable showing.
	And then I went to an all-boys Catholic high school and I got uncomfortable again.
	Really?
	Oh, they had hogs.
	They had like legit hogs.
	Really?
	Dude, and they had hair.
	Because I was showering in JV football.
	So the oldest kid was ninth grade, right?
	I go into ninth grade and now I'm showering with like seniors.
	And they were men.
	They were grown men with cocks.
	Yeah.
	And I had a penis.
	Like I saw a penis.
	They had cocks.
	Wow.
	And I remember broken your heart.
	Panic.
	It was more panic.
	Yeah, panic.
	It was like panic.
	Like I was the same size as Thompson and Drew.
	We were all like roughly just boys, you know?
	And then you go in and you see like hairy cocks.
	And this is, do you remember the showers that just had the one sprout, like the one mushroom with all the spigots on it?
	And you'd, and so everyone was showering around at one pole.
	And so it was like eight dudes around one pole showering.
	So everyone's looking at each other's dicks almost like an octopus.
	That's insane they did that.
	And the only thing to block you from seeing the person's dick was that pole.
	That one pole, but then you're looking at dicks all over here.
	And then dudes would piss on you and you're like, oh, fuck, what am I?
	How much?
	I think I'm getting sexually assaulted.
	Oh, man.
	Yeah, I remember that very distinctly.
	Dude, I, oh, man, I was so scared to go anywhere where they had, where everybody had to be like naked and stuff, you know?
	I was like, I think it was very unnerving.
	That's it.
	Yeah.
	Were you really?
	Yeah, I think so, man.
	It was also like really, I remember like, what are we talking about?
	The first penis we ever saw?
	First penises I ever saw.
	First penis I ever saw where I went, okay, that's bigger than mine.
	Wow.
	Was Jeff Harley.
	Wow.
	And I remember.
	Did you tell him?
	No, but.
	But he knew.
	He knew.
	He knows to this day.
	And by the way, he's the only one watching that's going, that's right.
	He's going to clip this out and send it around to our friends.
	They'll be like, hey.
	But dude, we had, oh, I remember I've told this story before, but we had a fella, somebody got a hot tub in our town, right?
	Yeah.
	And we'd never, I mean, no one even could imagine it, right?
	Yeah.
	So we go over there at somebody's birthday party, this fella, little William.
	And it was his birthday, and some guy who got invited there was older than us.
	So we're all in the hot tub just being children.
	I mean, we were young, you know, probably 10 or 11. Yeah.
	And this other fella, this other fella, CJ was his name anyway, he's under the water and he'd been pleasuring himself and we didn't know.
	So he stands up and just starts like spewing out into the thing.
	Oh, that's so unfair.
	And bro, we'd never seen it.
	We didn't know what was happening, right?
	Yeah.
	And little William grabbed, thought something was happening, like he was leaking out of his body.
	He was just going to keep.
	He applied for his aid.
	He was like, I said a journey can.
	Someone call 911.
	100%.
	Bro, he put two hands on.
	I mean, this kid was big, dude.
	This kid had probably won a title belt doing something.
	He was just, he put two hands on him.
	And the big guy punched him in the neck, bro.
	And I always felt so bad for that kid.
	Like, just how do you...
	All those first moments at once, you see the ejaculate, and then you try to help, and then you get fucking punched in the neck.
	And now it's in the water, so it's coming up on your...
	So it looked like you would put gel in your stomach.
	Do you remember the first time, like when you first started jerking off, what was your move?
	Because like mine was, mine was to like rub it like this.
	Oh, against your stomach?
	Yeah, like put it on my stomach and then rub it like this.
	Wow, almost like a clitoris.
	Kinda.
	Yeah, kinda.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Wow.
	And then, and then I realized, I realized, like, I remember watching movies and they were like, hey.
	And then one day I kind of put pen to paper.
	They're getting all Italian.
	They go like, they go, you know, he's in there jerking off.
	And I was like, I guess this is the movie for jerking off.
	I didn't know.
	And then one day I went, I did it?
	And I went, oh, that makes sense.
	That's why they're doing this because they do it to their dicks.
	And it's so much more efficient.
	And I was like, no, that's all I'm going to do from now on.
	Suddenly he was walking around town and playing songs.
	Guys, I'm alive.
	I'm alive.
	I used to think jerking off was gay.
	Wow.
	And I kind of came to terms with being gay because I was like, I can't quit.
	I was like, I guess I'm gay.
	I guess if this is gay, I'm gay as fuck.
	I'm fucking the gayest dude in town because I'm jerking off at least once a day.
	Oh, damn, bro.
	Damn, that's insane, man.
	Yeah.
	That's when there were rumors about gays.
	So you didn't know.
	You were like, I guess I'm getting AIDS.
	Yeah.
	Like, because I didn't, AIDS was on 2020 and they didn't tell you how you got AIDS.
	They told you, they just told you gay guys were getting it.
	And I'm jerking off like fucking three times a day going, fuck, I'm getting AIDS.
	I remember going down to my dad and going, do you think this is AIDS?
	Wow.
	And he was like, huh?
	I was this close to going, I'm jerking off a lot.
	Okay.
	I'm gay.
	Just saw in 2020.
	They said that we're getting AIDS.
	And so, do you think I have AIDS?
	I remember thinking, because they were saying it was carcinoma in your skin.
	It was like skin cancer.
	Oh, yeah.
	Smokers, little.
	Yeah.
	Smokers, freckles.
	They used to call them.
	Yeah.
	And so my dad's like, you don't have AIDS.
	And I was like, are you sure?
	And he's like, I'm 100% certain you don't have AIDS.
	Wow.
	He's like, is there something I need to know about you?
	I was like, never mind.
	Wow.
	I almost told him I jerked off twice.
	The first time it ever happened, first time it ever happened, I was, I'll save the names for where I was, but I was in a pool and there was a hose with a gun on it.
	And I, I don't know, I just shot my dick and then all of a sudden it was just at your wiener?
	At my dick.
	Underwater.
	Underwater.
	Yeah, it feels, that's a good, that's a good thing.
	By the way, I did that.
	I did that when I was like 45, randomly.
	I was in a pool and I was like, and I had a hose and I just, I just randomly just sprayed my balls, see if it felt good.
	45. Dude, holds up.
	Still cool.
	Still fucking cool.
	Just this close to jerking off in my pool in your own pool.
	I was like, oh, come on, man.
	I can't do that to my family.
	My fucking wife comes out of the pool.
	Her hair is over to the side like something about Mary.
	I'm like, sorry.
	No, but I remember jerking off in that pool or like jerking off masturbating with the hose in the pool.
	I went to go pick up someone at the airport and I almost, and I had my first orgasm.
	I'd had wet dreams as a kid.
	I didn't know what they were, but I had wet dreams and I knew they were like the best dreams.
	I was always riding horses in those dreams.
	And so I almost said to my dad, I had the craziest thing happen to me today, dude.
	Every day.
	So what you're saying, though, the, I'm sorry, I'm stuck on that horse thing.
	Please.
	And you just what?
	I would be riding horses and then I'd have a wet dream.
	I'd have an orgasm, like first grade through third grade.
	Okay.
	I'd have wet dreams and it was always me riding horses.
	And then, Theo, I rode a horse at full spring.
	Was there anything in your butt you feel like?
	Or it was just.
	It was like a vibration, like a.
	And then I'd be riding a horse, riding a horse, and then I just, I'd just have a wet dream.
	Not wet dream, it was just a nocturnal mission, but it wasn't like it was just an orgasm while you sleep.
	But what is it like?
	Is it like, I'm gonna, here's it, tell me, like, well, it's funny because I really, it was just me on a horse, just riding a horse.
	Okay.
	And then, and then all of a sudden I'd be riding the horse and I would, my dick would be hard.
	I was a kid, and I'd just be like, uh-who, and then boom, it would hit and I would wake up.
	Oh, yeah.
	Like, that was fucking, I need to get a horse.
	I need to get a horse.
	ASAP.
	Richie.
	The black stallion came out where the kid was riding on the beach.
	I was like, luckiest kid in the fucking world.
	That kid just skeeting all over the horse.
	Blowing loads all over a horse.
	You know, losing your hair, it's alarming to a man because you've had your hair your whole life.
	And people don't turn it in.
	There's not a lost and found for your hair where you can go over there and rummage through the strands and through the dirty barrettes and get your hairs back.
	They just drift into the ether.
	Well, you need to take care of your hair.
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	Keeps.com slash Theo.
	You know, sometimes people are smacking their gum and you say, hey, hey, hey, Eddie.
	Hey, Belinda, quit smacking your gum.
	Well, sometimes people might be smacking on a Blue Chew and at that way they're smacking their way up to a strong meat, up to decent body, up to, you know, prominent wiener.
	That's what they do.
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	Take care of your body.
	Get that wiener stout, baby.
	And then I rode a horse as an adult.
	I rode a horse for Travel Channel at full sprint.
	I wonder if I remember this or not.
	We were in Texas.
	We were running Buffalo through Texas.
	And they brought me out and I got real comfortable on a horse.
	And then the guy, John, I forget his last name.
	John was the, he ran the, he ran.
	And he was homosexual?
	No, no, he was not.
	Oh, he's a fucking stud.
	He's a stud.
	I mean, not saying that you can't be stud and gay, but like, you can be a stud and gay.
	Now there's very, there's like really, I think, gangster fucking gay dudes.
	Dude, I mean, nowadays, you can't, like, I think kids are growing up with such fluidity that I don't think they see gay the way we saw it when we were kids.
	You know, they just are like, no, you fall in love with the person.
	But, but he, this guy, John, said, why don't you take her and let her loose?
	And I'd never really ridden a horse at full sprint.
	It is, it is, dare I say, better than average sex.
	It's way better than average sex.
	Like, great sex is hard to beat, but just, you know, run of the mill sex, like sober morning, pound one out sex.
	There's a moment when you're riding a horse.
	So there's like three speeds.
	There's a walk, there's a gallop, and then there's a canter, and then there's a run.
	Gallop's a little painful.
	It's just like, it really sucks.
	And then a canter is like, and then when you, yeah, you get that horse going, there's a moment where you and the horse become one.
	You become one.
	The horse, the energy of the horse takes over your energy and dictates what you do.
	And there's a moment where your body and that horse's neck are going at the same.
	That's me on that horse.
	That's my horse.
	And you're going at the same rate and you're fucking flying.
	It is the purest joy I've ever had where I wasn't, it's like a roller coaster, but even more dangerous because you're like, and you're just smiling ear to ear and my hat flew off.
	My hair's in the wind.
	I'm like, yeah, yeah.
	I didn't realize I was super about to get hurt.
	John's like, slow the fuck down.
	Really?
	Yeah, because I was out of control.
	I was completely out.
	The horse was in control.
	I wasn't in control.
	And did a horse know to stop or keep going?
	So you got to stop with your legs, your legs, your ass.
	You got to put your ass into the back of the horse so he knows, hey, we're done.
	Because if he doesn't, if he feels you up in the stirrups, he's like, yeah, bitch, let's open this shit up.
	This is what I was meant to do.
	This is my natural speed.
	The way I drink at airports is the way horses run.
	That's when you see me at a full clip at an airport and they're like, another one?
	I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I'm in gallop mode, baby.
	That is way a horse fucking, whah.
	Like, I mean, just fucking, show a horse running at full speed.
	It's So beautiful.
	And you'll see what I'm talking about.
	The neck does this.
	And you get into this symbiotic moment with your horse where you become one.
	It's the coolest thing to have an animal with half a ton between your legs and just be this.
	That's a car.
	Oh, no, they're doing a horse.
	Okay.
	Does it make you give you anything?
	See, okay, so that's like a canter.
	Okay.
	And then do you see the way the neck kind of just look at the neck?
	And then you're going up, the neck's going down, and then you guys meet back up again at the same place.
	It's almost like it really is the best rhythmic.
	No feet on the ground.
	No feet on the ground.
	You're just flying.
	Oh, my God.
	This is what a horse is meant to do.
	Anything against this is against that animal.
	A horse is meant to run at full speed.
	That's why marriage just doesn't make sense to me at times.
	Yeah.
	Not for me, because it is, because I'm out to pasture.
	I'm an old horse.
	You think so?
	I like to run, but like my runnings internally.
	Like last night, sex with my wife was fucking insane.
	Dude, my wife and I got into that moment.
	Into that fucking.
	Were you on the back or the bottom or what?
	I was on the bottom.
	I was on the bottom.
	Wow.
	But she was like, Leanne was playful, fun.
	She was drunk.
	Playful, fun, crazy, fucking.
	And there is a moment where you're just, you're both moving at the right time.
	But like for some guys.
	I've had some of that before.
	Some guys, some guys are meant to sprint.
	Some guys are meant to sprint.
	My buddy Croy, he was meant to sprint.
	He was meant to be out there.
	That's the way his brain works.
	He just can't stop doing sex out there with strangers?
	Well, yeah, I mean.
	Women that he dates.
	Yeah, women that he dates.
	I mean, he's dead now.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But it's because he was a fucking horse and everyone wanted him to be a fucking pony.
	And he was a fucking...
	Look, I love the guy.
	I miss him a ton.
	Some guys are fucking sprinters.
	You know, don't try to fucking...
	Maybe it's misogynistic now.
	They catch you and then they, you know, like...
	And then these settlers just staring up at the mountain going, I'm going to get me that horse.
	And then they come up with a bag of carrots, carrots, or blowjobs.
	And they're like, you probably heard this joke before.
	And they're like, hey, come here.
	And you're like, I like blowjobs.
	And then when they pet you.
	So when you, the really interesting thing about horses.
	So horses are like, this is kind of crazy.
	This blew me away.
	But horses are out in pasture.
	Like when you go, every morning I had to have to go get my horse.
	And my horse would be in a fucking field.
	And so you have to go get your horse.
	And you whistle or you just go over there.
	Hey, boy.
	Hey, boy.
	And they like it.
	And you bring like a carrot or an apple.
	And he'd be like, they don't know they're getting caught, right?
	They don't want to be caught.
	And he just comes over.
	And the way you catch a horse is you throw a rope over his neck.
	Just throw a rope over his neck.
	Boom, he's yours.
	My wife did that to me.
	Just threw a rope over my neck.
	I didn't even know I was caught.
	I didn't even know I was caught.
	Next thing I got now, I got two kids, fucking five mortgages.
	I'm caught, man.
	I can't run anywhere.
	It's true.
	You're done.
	I'm done.
	I'm cool with it.
	I'm cool with it.
	Was there a point where you ever thought like, hey, if I'm going to get back out there, I got to get back out there now?
	I remember that moment we were on the beach.
	Wow.
	We were on the beach.
	And she said, hey, she had dumped me.
	And I knew very acutely that I needed her in my life.
	And so I won her back.
	I made like a mixtape.
	I made a mixtape.
	I wrote a letter.
	I cried in my shower.
	I cried in my car.
	I cried everywhere.
	Went on a run up Runyon.
	I was coming down Outpost by Benaflex Old House and the sun was setting.
	It had just rained.
	And I said to God, this is what we were talking about earlier.
	And this is a hint on who I want on my podcast.
	I said to God, if you give me this woman, I won't fuck it up.
	I won't cheat on her.
	I won't misbehave.
	I won't like, I'll follow whatever.
	I'll be a good man.
	I'll learn.
	I'll go to therapy.
	I'll do all the shit you need me to do to be like the guy she wants.
	And I got back to my house and she was sitting on my bed in a sundress.
	No.
	I swear to God.
	And I went, ooh, you're fucking listening.
	I was like, careful what you wish for, right?
	I was like, cause then you're like, so we talked.
	We go to dinner out at like someplace in Malibu.
	I have a panic attack at dinner.
	I was just telling my daughter this the other day.
	And then we went to the beach.
	We went out to Zuma at night.
	We went out to Zuma, sat there, and she said, I'll take you back, but I need to know that this is going to be real.
	Like that, that we could, like, this is going to lead to something.
	And I remember at that moment, it's like it's the natural horse instinct where you go, woo!
	Like, wait, should I run?
	Should I run or just stay over here with the carrots and the petting?
	And I was like, and I thought to myself, if I walk away, there's other, there'll be another chick.
	Is the hopes of that better than this?
	And I thought about it and I was like, nope, this is the best thing I can get in my head.
	That sounds cheap, but this is the best thing that's ever come in my way.
	Like just a good person.
	Right.
	I don't want to miss this.
	Yeah.
	She was like, she's all the things you could ever say about, I'd ever say about my wife.
	The one thing I know about my wife is she is a good person.
	She cares about me.
	She cares about like, she's selfless, like real selfless.
	Like I'm pretty self-centered.
	I said to the girls the other day, I said, you know, I bust my ass on the road for you guys.
	And Leanne goes, no, you don't.
	She's like, no, you don't.
	I don't think Bert, Bert, Bert has anything to do with anybody.
	He goes, it's you.
	She goes, because I was supposed to not work in December and then I got offered Alaska.
	And I was like, fuck y'all do Alaska?
	She's like, you're doing that for you.
	You're not like winning Christmas presents.
	You're doing it because it's an arena in Alaska and you want to go snowboarding for a week.
	And I was like, oh yeah, do this all for me.
	She's like, it's all about you.
	You're not doing Red Rock for us.
	You're doing it for you.
	You do pot.
	Like, like, I'm fucking, she's taking the dog to the vet.
	She's like, you want to go?
	I was like, I got to go to work.
	But I want to be here with you because you made me laugh.
	So like, I'm like, it's all about me.
	She does nothing for her.
	She does everything for us.
	And you need that teammate.
	She's the partner in crime.
	She's my lab partner.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	So she's my Hillary Clinton.
	Yeah.
	That's a bad example.
	But she's hotter than Hillary, though.
	Yeah, way hotter.
	That's a good hint.
	Yeah, what else is going on?
	I haven't seen you in a while.
	I haven't seen you in forever.
	I know.
	I've just seen you on social media, And you've been so busy, man.
	It's crazy.
	I was going to name my tour the relapse tour.
	No.
	Yeah.
	Are you serious?
	Yeah.
	I got a lot of shit for that.
	Did you?
	Yeah.
	Because I've never been in recovery.
	So some people are pretty sensitive about that.
	Oh, yeah.
	I have to see that movie.
	I was so jealous.
	No, I'm sorry.
	Yeah, I was, I just was because I started the Birdie Boy tour and then it got canceled because of COVID.
	And then I did the drive-in movie theaters and I love that one.
	Hot Summer Nights is a great.
	I love that title.
	I love that branding.
	I love the bus, what it looked like.
	It was so fun.
	It was so kind of like 1980s, bright colors.
	And then when they were like, hey, you got to rename your new tour, but you got to let them know that their tickets are still valid for the old tour.
	And, you know, some people were like, one for the road or back, you know, whatever.
	And I just thought, oh, relapse would be great.
	Not thinking that recovery is a pretty serious thing.
	There were some people that were upset.
	They're like, hey, man, it's no fucking joke.
	And I was like, well, they're all jokes to me.
	You should hear what I really joke about.
	I was being serious on that one.
	No, no, I've never done, I've never done the whole recovery thing.
	Yeah, do you ever think about it?
	Because you go pretty hard, you know?
	Yeah, I think about it all the time.
	Yeah.
	I mean, the problem I have is the problem I have is that what happens is when I feel like I'm going too hard, there's this internal kind of metronome in me that goes, it's time to slow down.
	It's time to, you got it.
	Let's, let's do a couple nights off.
	Let's, you know, and not the way like a regular person would go, like, we'll just drink on weekends, you know, and I'll be like, I'll just, I won't drink Monday, Tuesday, you know, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
	Like, this is going to sound, this is going to be the most horrific statement you'll ever hear me sound on a podcast.
	Trust me.
	But like, or, or you'll go, let's, let's not drink on private jets.
	You know, like, that's like, if you're buying a private jet to get yourself to work, maybe you should use that as that really expensive plane ticket as a time to recovery and work hard and read a script and not just party your fucking dick off like I have the whole time I've ever gotten private jet.
	I get on a private jet and I'd be like, if I'm paying $13,000, $30,000, whatever I'm paying for a flight, I'm partying my fucking dick off.
	We're eating edibles.
	We're fucking Xanax.
	I'm going to fucking get fucking wasted.
	Oh, dude.
	And then and then I started going, no, I should probably not do that.
	I should probably use this as a time to work on my business because it's a business expense, technically.
	So yeah, so, so, but I always think about it.
	I think about, there's a hint of who my podcast guest would be.
	I think about, I was just a Vatican and I think about, I have this epiphany.
	Everyone has their God, right?
	So like Rogan's God, I'm not speaking on behalf of Joe, but like from my perspective, from the outside perspective, his God is anti-aging, right?
	Like everyone's worried about death.
	So what are you going to do about death to make you feel better when you wake up in the morning?
	Well, for Rogan, it's taking care of himself.
	It's working out hard, staying sharp, reading, listening to audiobooks.
	And so it's all the anti-aging shit he does, polar plunged, sauna, stem cells, walking, hyperbaric chambers.
	Yeah, thinking.
	Yeah, walking and thinking are in there.
	And so that's his God.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	Segura's God is money and nice things and blood doping.
	Whatever Segura's into.
	I don't really know.
	Ari's God is drugs, is mushrooms and psychedelics and mollies.
	The shadows.
	Yeah, and dark.
	So like everyone's got their God.
	And then some people, we know that growing up, their God is really God.
	They believe in God.
	And that's the thing that gets them through their day is they take a minute and pray.
	And then I was like, I was like, well, and so like all our friends that don't believe in God, but do their own God.
	I go, what if I just added a little bit of real God to me?
	Like, what if I tried to find, what if I legit, what if I legit was like open to faith?
	Like open to like maybe something, maybe, because I was at the Vatican and I have like, I have all the, like the crosses and the medals for the saints.
	I believe the merch.
	I genuinely love your brain.
	I love your brain.
	You make me giggle so fucking hard.
	Oh, thanks, man.
	Dude, you're the vlog so much this morning for the vlog.
	And I'm trying to stay off vaping.
	Are you really?
	Yeah.
	Really?
	Jesus, brother.
	You know how many people, women are vaping?
	Men?
	Yeah.
	Children?
	I mean, whole families are laying in their bed at night fucking smoke.
	Clouds of smoke.
	Yeah.
	Leaving chimneys.
	People think it's like that it's just a warm home inside.
	Or they think that someone opened a mummy's casket and the curse got passed on everyone.
	Yeah, I never vaped.
	I mean, marijuana, but don't count there.
	Get out of there.
	Okay, so what else happened?
	So I'm in the Vatican, and I'm like...
	It's really beautiful.
	We snuck a little thing of salamis in there, too, when we went.
	For real?
	Yeah, and just nibbling on it.
	There's no food.
	Summer sticks, you know?
	Bring up that summer sausage.
	Dude, summer sausage is good.
	It's kind of a deceptive name, too.
	Yes.
	Summer sausage.
	Rogan gave me some summer sausage.
	Oh, it's so good, man.
	Bring up a stick of that.
	God, it's good.
	And he did that with elk.
	He gave me a summer sausage with elk.
	Fuck.
	And I didn't know what it was.
	I tried to cook it, and I was like, I don't think this needs to be cooked.
	Damn, a huge, I feel like if you bite into that, a warp zone will open up in your local butcher shop, dude.
	That shit sounds insane, huh?
	But look, yeah, we would nibble on that while we're walking through there.
	We got a couple of these.
	I couldn't even have a water.
	You couldn't?
	I don't think so.
	Because I think they don't want people watering down the art or watering down the statues.
	Yeah, because we did the whole tour.
	Like, we did Sistine Chapel, all the artwork.
	And then, yeah, I don't think we could have anything to drink.
	And then at the end, we were fucking starving.
	We were fucking starving.
	And we're buying merch.
	They do sell merch like that.
	It's funny.
	We were buying merch.
	And George and I were like, I'm about to eat my fucking flip-flop.
	And I was like, yeah, let's go get something to eat.
	And so we went to, we had a really shitty, actually, lunch.
	And we went It wasn't even good pizza.
	Yeah, that's the worst.
	That's one of the worst things about being a tourist in another country.
	Everything looks like it's perfect because of the setting.
	And then you realize that you're like, you know, just some kind of just run-of-the-mill joint.
	You went to Italy?
	I drank perfectly in Italy.
	Oh, wow.
	Perfectly.
	I mean, so here's my thing with drinking.
	if I day drink, it fucks me up.
	I can't day drink really.
	So, like, I can only drink, I need to have, that's why the road works well for me because I don't have my first drink until like midnight.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So, I'll drink midnight till two, whenever bus call is, maybe have a pop on the bus, not lately because I have acid reflux.
	So, usually just have a couple of drinks, you know, after the show, two or three drinks, and then on the bus, go to sleep.
	Maybe hit a vape pen, let a joint go to bed, and I'm out.
	Listen to a podcast, I'm out.
	And then wake up the next day, a little late, but I don't drink the whole fucking day.
	So that's really good for me.
	Because day drinking, that's why I don't drink on jets or drink on planes, because if I day drink on a plane, then it goes out throughout the day.
	And then that really puts a dent on your wellness.
	Like, you just feel like shit.
	Your sweat smells like piss.
	You're shaky.
	Your piss smells like sweat.
	No, your sweat smells like piss too.
	Both of them.
	Yeah, both of them.
	I mean, when you're in.
	My balls smelled.
	I drank all day yesterday.
	Fucking started at like seven.
	So you just did it.
	Yeah, yesterday.
	But I busted my ass in the gym today, so it got out of me.
	Yeah.
	But my balls smelled the worst anyone's balls have ever smelled in their entire life.
	When I got in the shower to come here, I took a little dab and sniff, and I was like, ooh, that's worse than armpits.
	That's fucking, and that was, that was booze.
	How jealous do you think the back of your balls are of the front of your balls, dude?
	Well, the back of your balls hang out with your asshole.
	The front of your balls hangs out with your dick.
	Yeah.
	I'd much rather hang out with a dick than an asshole.
	Me too.
	Imagine us being back there.
	It's like living in the slums.
	It's like, it's like a.
	It's like, I'm trying to think of two comics.
	One's a dick and one's an asshole.
	who would you want to hang out with?
	I don't know.
	I'm not going to say his name.
	Maybe Dice and...
	I mean, you can put either way, probably.
	Dice could be a dick, but that's also his brand, though.
	Yeah, but it's like an ironic dick.
	Right, right.
	Yeah, he's an ironic.
	Like, he's, he's, he's just.
	Who likes being a dick?
	Jeselnik, kind of, is he a dick?
	I don't know.
	He's just kind of morose.
	I think he's just quiet.
	I think he's just a...
	I think Jesselnik is like a...
	They don't need to talk to people.
	I need to talk to people.
	I have to talk to people.
	I'm going to stand outside.
	Oh, Tom doesn't.
	He's kind of, he can do his own thing, huh?
	He could not speak for the rest of his life, I think, other than on stage, and he'd be very happy.
	Wow.
	He does not need to speak.
	Like, he does not.
	I get into a car with someone and I am chitty, chatty, kathy the whole ride.
	Yeah, you're really, you like to be alive.
	I love being alive.
	It's like my favorite part of being alive is loving that you're alive.
	Right.
	Like, if you just kind of go, I'm alive, you know, there's times where I'm, you know, there's times where I'm, I wake up and I'm rough.
	This is when we're talking about like the recovery brain of like, man, what should I do?
	And then I think the difference is I wake up and if I feel a little down, a little depressed, maybe a little hungover, maybe a little shaky from partying too hard, I go, you have two options today.
	You can lose today.
	You can lose it.
	You're allowed to.
	You're allowed to take a Xanax, tap out, get back in bed, crank up the AC, throw on Netflix, put it on a Spanish-speaking cooking show, and just go to sleep for the whole day.
	You can do that.
	Or you can choose to win the day where you get up, you have a coffee, you barrel through it, you go to the gym, you work out, and you just ignore that voice in your head that goes, hey man, we're not going to be able to do this today.
	You go, I'm not listening to you today.
	I chose to seize today.
	And knowing for me, knowing that I have that tap out of like, hey, we can call it a day.
	We can wake up and call it a day, make a breakfast sandwich, eat a Xanax, watch Netflix, crank up the AC, blackout curtains, sleep, wake up at eight and have a cocktail with your wife and have a great fucking day.
	We can do that.
	Or we can push through the day.
	We can get up early.
	We can go have a coffee.
	We can have a treat.
	Maybe a little bit of Instagram.
	A treat.
	You know, a little.
	Yeah.
	And then get in the gym, push through it.
	Piss sweat in the sauna, in the polar plunge, and you will feel better.
	You will feel, I promise you, you will feel better.
	And what do you choose?
	I always choose the one where I work out.
	I always choose it.
	I've chosen Xanax before.
	I have.
	I have.
	My wife always knows it.
	And she's like, so funny.
	I thought you were different than that.
	But you just got to choose to not listen to that voice in your head that's going, we can't do this, man.
	This is too hard.
	Like, you've ever gotten up.
	Well, I think that's where some people struggle with alcoholism.
	I think that voice, it's not even sometimes about the drugs and alcohol.
	It's just about that voice the next day and how much it like haunts them or like how much it like the drugs and alcohol fuel whatever the negative feelings.
	Like it just, it's such a gasoline on those thoughts and feelings.
	Do you ever feel like, do you ever feel like maybe, and by the way, we don't have to keep this in if you don't want to, but do you ever feel like I always wondered with you, because I know you're sober.
	Do you ever feel like maybe there was just aspects of your sobriety, maybe there was aspects of your partying that should never have been included?
	Yeah.
	Like cocaine.
	Yeah.
	Like that should never have been in your mix.
	Right.
	And you should have never been introduced to it.
	And had you never been introduced to it, you may be able to have a few beers with people.
	I'm not saying, by the way, I'm not, I'm not.
	Oh, I want you to, I want your happiness.
	You think about that every day.
	You are, you are a joy to listen to.
	Literally, honestly, a treat.
	When you come up, it's funny who your kids like, right?
	Like, Georgia just thinks you are fucking the cat's pajamas.
	You make her giggle so hard.
	Isla's a big Tim Dylan fan.
	That makes sense.
	Right?
	Tim Dylan's great, though.
	But like, I don't want to fuck with either you or Tim's sobriety.
	But you ever think that way?
	Oh, yeah.
	Cocaine, I can't do it.
	It fucks me up so bad that I want to quit everything.
	Yeah.
	I go, fuck it.
	It's like the next day off of cocaine, I'm literally waiting for the stroke to hit.
	I'm going like, it's coming right now.
	It's coming right now.
	Why did I do this?
	Why did I do this to myself?
	Yeah, it's like that no whammies, like that game show.
	Yeah, no whammies, no whammies.
	It's a heart attack.
	God damn it.
	My heart's basing.
	It's the dumbest thing.
	Dude, yeah, cocaine's just insane, man.
	If I'd have never found cocaine, yeah, I'd never had any problem with anything else.
	Isn't that crazy?
	So sometimes I think maybe at some point I would just not do cocaine.
	But yeah, I mean.
	Yeah, that's the problem is.
	Once you find out, you can just turn around in the median and go the other direction on the highway, it's really hard to not do that every time.
	Yeah, like if you never knew, if you never knew you couldn't do that, yeah.
	When people were like, Yeah, I and then I realized why I never even super enjoyed drinking because cocaine, you like, I can get messed up right now, right now, and marks get go.
	You know what I'm saying?
	It really does.
	It really is so much better than a shot.
	It's just like, it's like, I remember the first time I ever did cocaine, I was in New Orleans and my buddy had a rock and he had a screen of a damn.
	This makes me want to touch my fucking dick even hearing about it.
	He told me, one of my best friends, to this day, one of my best friends.
	And he said, we were looking for ecstasy.
	And he said, I don't have any ecstasy.
	And I said, but you're partying, right?
	And he was like, I am.
	We're same age.
	And he goes, what do you look like?
	A white guy?
	A really good looking guy.
	More Italian.
	More Michelangelo.
	You know, Michelangelo's name wasn't Michelangelo?
	It was in one word?
	It was one word.
	Michelangelo.
	And that was part of a bigger name.
	I thought it was Michelangelo.
	Not like Michelangelo, Peter Mussolini.
	That's a black Italian, I think, if it's the full one.
	Yeah, Michelangelo.
	Michelangelo.
	It's amazing there aren't more Michelangelo's.
	Anyway, he said, I have cocaine.
	And I said, I remember going, you do cocaine?
	And he goes, yeah, we do cocaine.
	And I was like, is it safe?
	And he was like, yeah, it's totally safe.
	He goes, here's the deal.
	Look me in the eyes.
	And he said, it's really good.
	And it could become a problem.
	And he goes, and it has for friends.
	Like, trust me.
	And I was like, well, what should I do?
	And he goes, he goes, you got to make that stigma on your own.
	So I went up to my buddy who I was looking for XCC with.
	And I said, we can't get XC, but we can get cocaine.
	And he was like, he's like, I'll do it.
	And I was like, I was like, I've never done it.
	And he goes, it's pretty good.
	And I was like, really?
	And he was like, yeah.
	So we went back.
	I said, I'll do some.
	Didn't have to buy it.
	He just gave us, you know, I grew up with a kid and he shaved it off of the screen of like a window.
	It was a screen.
	It was a screen that was on like a tilt.
	So it was like two sticks with a screen that went like this.
	And it was maybe this big.
	That's carpenter's cut, dude.
	That shit is good.
	He shaved it off of that and it was feathered down.
	And he cut a line and he said, snort half of that with your nose.
	And I snorted the whole thing with one nostril.
	And he goes, I think you're good.
	And I went, okay.
	And Theo, immediately from this tooth over and this tooth over went ice numb the whole side of my face.
	And I went, I was like, whoo, I thought, woo.
	And my first thought was, I remember I could walk outside and rip a tree out of the ground and carry it around tonight.
	But I'm so smart that I won't do that.
	Because if they see me with a tree, they'll go, he's on cocaine.
	So I'm not ripping trees out.
	And then I was like, I think I'm going to need to do the other nose because this side isn't numb.
	And he was like, okay, just a little one.
	And he gave me another line and I did the other side.
	And this tooth went sing.
	I mean, I could hear it go and it went all the way over there.
	And I said, I looked at my buddy and I won't say his name, the buddy I was partying with.
	Bron.
	And close.
	And so I said to our other friend, I said, I think we're going to go down to the Bourbon Street.
	And he was like, okay.
	He's like, he's like, no cell phones.
	He's like, we'll see you later.
	And I was like, great.
	And I looked at my buddy and I said, let's go have some fun.
	We took a little bit of pouch with us and we had one of the most exciting nights of our lives.
	And maybe, I don't even think we did any more cocaine throughout the night.
	I think we maybe did a key bump.
	Maybe.
	Yeah.
	But I don't think we did anymore.
	And we had the greatest fucking night of our life.
	And then that night, went back, passed out my truck, woke up when the sun was coming up with the most acutely searing anxiety attack I've ever had in my life.
	And we had an eight ball left that my buddy gave me to take home.
	And we had to drive.
	You got to take home.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And so I took the eight ball.
	I put it in my Cherokee.
	We drove from New Orleans to Tallahassee.
	And all my brain did was like, I heard my brain, you know, you got regular brain where you go, hey, maybe we should pull over and get McDonald's.
	And your little regular brain, regular little guy you've been with your whole life.
	And then you go, oh, that sounds like a good idea.
	And he's like, I just thought I'd put it right up, bring it up.
	Yeah.
	And so I get in the car and little brain's like, dude, we still have that cocaine, right?
	And I was like, yeah, I put it in the, it's in the middle.
	And he's like, are you sure that's a good idea?
	And then all of a sudden, this, this fucking anxiety voice goes, what the fuck?
	Are we traveling with cocaine?
	Dude, we're going to fucking jail.
	What the fuck?
	You need to pull over right now.
	You need to huck that in one of your bags.
	Either that or do it.
	We got to do cocaine.
	That'll make the drive so much better.
	And I was like, should we get food?
	And he's like, fuck that.
	We've got an iron stomach.
	We can't get on Dick Harden.
	We can't shit.
	Let's drive.
	Drive.
	It was like Sam Kiddison was in my head.
	And man, I tell you very candidly, I haven't got rid of that voice forever.
	That's why I don't fuck around with cocaine is that fucking voice.
	The next day, all that fun that was, it's not worth it to hear that guy just, we better get out of bed.
	You're on blood pressure medicine.
	What the fuck did we do last night?
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	It was a cane company, Walking Canes and Candy Canes.
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	Yeah, man, that thing, that's the thing.
	It's like, you don't want to fuel that voice because in some people, that voice is already kind of like animated.
	Yeah.
	And so, yeah.
	Sometimes people are drinking to shut that voice off.
	Right.
	And then, and when you sober up, that voice goes, you just hear him wake up like, what the fuck did you, you tried to kill me with alcohol last night?
	Oh, welcome to hell, motherfucker.
	Let's check our dick.
	We got General Warts.
	Yeah, dude.
	I mean that voice that's why Xanax is so great Oh, Xanax just grabs him real quick, like a fucking Gracie, grabs his gi and goes like this.
	Good night.
	Good night.
	You go to night bed now.
	And he's like, and then all of a sudden, Xanax comes up.
	You come out of Xanax and you hear that voice.
	And he's like, he's like, how long have I been out for?
	And you're like, you're good, man.
	Just lay there for a little bit.
	Lay there, wake up.
	And he's like, okay.
	Holy shit.
	What day is it?
	And you're like, it's Thursday.
	He's like, fuck, what are we doing this weekend?
	Like, don't worry about it.
	We're going to have a drink later tonight.
	Let's just shut the fuck up.
	He's like, ooh, dude, I got fucked up last night.
	What happened?
	It's like, my whole thing is shutting that voice down.
	By the way, I'm sure there's someone who runs a recovery center right now that's like, oh, Bert needs to go into recovery tomorrow.
	And by the way, we need to get rid of this podcast.
	You've just got everyone back on cocaine.
	I don't know, man.
	Well, these days, also, cocaine got too dangerous to even do.
	So it's like funny.
	Now one of the things that keeps me from doing cocaine is cocaine because it's like, it's not, it just, there's no reliability with it.
	Like, I remember trying to convince somebody, like, oh, this guy gets legit cocaine.
	And like, where does he get it from?
	And I'm like, oh, you're right.
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	That guy.
	He drives a fucking Dodge Neon, okay?
	I'm sure it's good.
	Dude, look at his fucking line in his hair.
	Come on.
	He's got, he gets a good stuff.
	Look at his fingernails.
	They're pedicures.
	some manicures we're good I won't say their name.
	I won't say their name, and I hope they're watching because I want to say their name so bad because they're comics.
	But I have some friends I was partying with that were like, hey, you want to get some cocaine?
	And I was like, I'm turning 50 in November.
	That shit's way out of my fucking.
	I don't know.
	There's no reason for me to do it.
	There's nothing.
	There's no benefit.
	And so I was like, nah.
	And they got it and it came with a fentanyl tester.
	Ooh.
	Yeah, they're selling fentanyls.
	But how, can you test every little gram of it?
	Can you bring that up?
	Can we see what that looks like?
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	But I'll tell you one guy went to the hospital.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	It's really dangerous.
	But yeah, for alcoholism, do you think that you're an alcoholic?
	No.
	I've run it through the ringer a few times.
	Dr. Drew's my litmist.
	Oh, yeah.
	And I've talked to him about it.
	He's like, you're not an alcoholic.
	You just drink too much.
	He's like, alcoholism is different.
	Being powerless to alcohol is different than drinking a lot.
	Yeah.
	And I think same with like, I mean, a guy like Ron White, I think he was a big drinker.
	I don't think he was an alcoholic because he just quit.
	Yeah.
	I think he was like, you know, same with Nick Swartzen.
	Nick Swartz is just a big, or I don't think Nick drinks anymore, but he was just a big drinker.
	I don't think he was powerless to it.
	He's planning on drinking again.
	Oh, for real?
	Oh, good for him.
	Nick has the best story, dude.
	Nick's like, bro, I was in Denver.
	Oh, he almost died in Denver.
	Wait, did it...
	Oh God, I was just like...
	I just felt like I could have almost died.
	You know, they put him in hospice.
	They had a priest come in and go, priest tried to molest him, too.
	Keep going.
	What do you expect, dude?
	If you're going in a hospice and you call a priest, dude, somebody better tuck you down.
	Can you imagine how bad it would be to have been molested by a priest and then be on your deathbed and a priest walks in?
	You're like, great, the one thing I've tried to never remember my whole life, thanks for bringing it up.
	Why don't you bring in a snake?
	I'm scared of them too.
	Oh, my God.
	Dude, that's got to be so true, man.
	But Nick was so great.
	He's like, man, if you drink in Denver, beware of the altitude.
	He's like, you got to drink water.
	The altitude will get you.
	He's like, I was drinking for six weeks at a motel and the altitude.
	I'm like, the altitude isn't the.
	It's not the altitude.
	It's the motel.
	Once you put the motel in there, there's not a lot of offenses in there.
	You're leaving Colorado.
	He's like, dude, if you're going to drink in Phoenix, man, the cactus is there.
	Did you know there's a lot of cats in Florida?
	Dude, you go down to Key West.
	If you're drinking anywhere near the Hemingway house, there are cats.
	Your allergies will kick in and you'll die from drinking.
	Yeah, you go to the hospital, man.
	Oh, so funny, dude.
	He's not drinking now.
	No, he's been sober for a while, man.
	Good for him.
	But he had a couple cities that were like on his fear list.
	But I think that's well, that's the truth.
	It's like, you know, if you, it's like, I think Dr. Drew's a great litmus test.
	He's really, really awesome about all that stuff.
	I'll tell you right now, no one comments on your drinking if you're skinny.
	When you're fat, and I've been really fat, I kind of still am, that's when you get people showing up.
	I had a week where I had three people tell me they were worried about me, but they were just worried about me because I looked like shit and I was fat.
	I was 265 pounds.
	I told someone, I told someone the other day, who was I talking to?
	I said, I was 265 pounds.
	And he goes, 270.
	I went, no, I was never 270.
	He goes, yeah, you were.
	You just didn't know it.
	Wow.
	Because once you weigh yourself at 265 going, I look good today.
	And then you're like, 265, that's fucking fat.
	Well, there's days you're 270.
	And so I had like three people reach out to me and go, hey, man, I'm worried about you.
	I'm concerned for you.
	One of them counted.
	Two of them didn't.
	Not didn't count, but you're like, how do you know?
	I was like, you haven't been around me.
	You just saw me one time and you were partying with me.
	And by the way, you're not my wife.
	You're not my best friend.
	Like, if Tommy says to me, I'm worried about you, then I listen, right?
	But like, so, yeah, but I lost by lost like 20 pounds.
	And then nobody said anything.
	No one said anything lately.
	And I've probably partying just as hard as I always have, you know?
	Yeah, I mean, I've thought you were going to die before, but I think that it's.
	I will die.
	Yes.
	So you're going to win that one.
	But I think it's because I think it's because you go so hard.
	Like you just have, I mean, it's just whatever you've always had.
	I'm like, a lot of it, I think, is also envy.
	I'm like, how does he keep going?
	Watching his social media feed is making, I'm tired.
	Like I'll go, I'll see three, three reels of years on Instagram and have to go get a massage.
	You know what I'm saying?
	I'm tired.
	It's like, wow, how does he keep going?
	I don't know.
	I think it's the thing.
	I think, I don't know.
	I think I'm a little bit of a aholic.
	Like, I'm a holic of a lot of things, but not full-blown.
	Like, I'm a workaholic.
	I'm a workaholic.
	I'm a workaholic hardcore.
	And I think maybe that's where I put my aholism in is in a healthy place, but it's not healthy.
	It pulls from your family and your sense of well-being.
	But like, I don't mind being a workaholic because I feel like you only get one, especially now because you only get one opportunity to shine.
	So you get an opportunity to sell some tickets.
	In my opinion, you better be on the road trying to sell some tickets.
	If you pop, you know, like if you have a moment and you pop and people go, oh, I want to see that.
	I want to see what that guy's like live.
	They will forget about you.
	So you kind of got to go out and be like, I'm here.
	Trust me, I took two months off and I was off social media pretty much.
	Like I was fucking around with it every now and then, but there were days where I'd have like two stories up and I'd forget and I'd skip a whole day and I had to remind myself, you have to go back to work.
	Like you need to get ready to go back to work.
	And I could very easily be like everyone else and go like, yeah, man, I think I'm just going to do podcasts, you know, and not push it as hard as I do.
	But I only got one opportunity.
	I'm not going to live forever.
	And I definitely want to make sure that my family is comfortable.
	And I love stand-up and I love podcasting.
	I love my cooking show, Something's Burning.
	I love Two Bears.
	I love being, I love all of it.
	I love fucking around with Joe on me on social media and taunting him and hearing the text I get back from, I got five texts from Joe in my pocket.
	And I get, so like Sober October's getting ready.
	And so we're fucking around and challenging each other.
	I love that shit.
	I love that.
	But I love all of it.
	I love, you know, I love taking in content as well.
	It's like.
	Well, you love getting up every day.
	I mean, you really love being alive.
	You love it.
	I love being alive.
	Like, today's a great day.
	Today's a great day.
	Yeah.
	Today's a great day.
	I woke up at six.
	Woke up at six.
	Got up with Leanne.
	We had great sex last night.
	So we just kind of caught up.
	And what is great?
	So you guys are doing the great sex.
	So it's, and you guys, now as you get older, do you have to do it for a long time?
	Does that matter?
	It's a lot quicker.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah, we get each other down.
	Right.
	So like last night, last night, last night, the horse was already panting.
	Okay.
	Like she was, she came in bed looking to fool around.
	And does she do any, does she like turn a plant a certain way or like light a candle or like do a leave a chocolate or something?
	No, she smiles and she's playful and she's so Leanne's like a little bit of a bully.
	Was she bat at that wiener like a cat?
	No, no, no, no, no, no.
	A lot of women do that.
	She's she's a bully.
	So like she likes to get in bed and fuck the old.
	Yeah, yeah.
	What was she saying last night that was so funny?
	She kept going, let's get that dick out, Tiger.
	No, she wasn't saying that.
	She was doing something that was funny, but is bullying me.
	And so she gets in like a, like, like a, almost like a fun bully mode.
	Let me burp that worm, homie, or something like that.
	Yeah, gang, gang.
	Yeah, yeah, that's it, dude.
	But she was fun last night, and then I was like, all right.
	And so we started messing around.
	And when we started, I was like, oh, she's here to part.
	Like, she got drunk last night.
	She never gets drunk.
	Georgia had to drive us home.
	Leanne never gets drunk.
	Wow.
	Never gets drunk.
	She drank a bottle of rose by herself.
	Oh, if it's rose, dude, somebody's giving hits.
	And man, it was like, you know, you ever been so hungry?
	You get Kentucky Fried Chicken and you don't know whether to start with the mac and cheese and mashed potatoes or to eat some chicken.
	And you take a bite of chicken and then start before you, yeah, you have it all in your mouth before you even have any of it done.
	And you don't even know what you're tasting anymore.
	That's what sex was like last night.
	Like just sloppy, drunk, KFC at two or three.
	We all doing oral too or not?
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, back and forth.
	And it was just, it was all of it.
	And Leanne's really good at blowjobs.
	Wow, that's awesome.
	Really, really, really good.
	She's really like, she's next level.
	She's next fucking level.
	Yeah.
	A lot of women, especially from a smaller community.
	I hope she's cool with me saying that.
	Oh, I think it's admirable.
	I just, I forget I'm doing a podcast.
	I'm like, yeah, she's really fucking good.
	Oh, I think it's admirable.
	You don't, I mean, there's nothing strange.
	I think it's because she grew up in the South and most of her family can't Read.
	That's why they're good at blowjobs.
	Oh, dude.
	If I bet you got kin who could fucking suck like nobody's business, like a third cousin or something.
	Dude, is this crazy to say this?
	Bro, now I wonder if this is crazy.
	Is it sometimes it's like I'll be talking to like, have you ever talked, do you have, what kind of siblings do you have?
	Two sisters.
	Isn't it weird sometimes that they've blown dudes before?
	Has that ever seemed weird to you?
	You know, yeah.
	I don't think about it.
	Right.
	I don't think about the act of it, but like.
	That they have done it?
	Right.
	The other day I was talking to my sister and I'm like, it just hit me in that.
	I was like, oh my God.
	She's like old enough to have been blowing dudes and everything.
	And I'm like.
	Oh, you got a sister.
	Yeah, I got two sisters.
	She has three, you know, she has two children and stuff.
	But same mom?
	Same mom, same dad.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Older sisters?
	You're youngest, right?
	Yeah, they're, yeah, they're in their 30s.
	It's so funny.
	Wait, wait, older sisters?
	They're younger.
	Okay.
	Yeah, they're younger.
	And you're like, they're in their 30s.
	I did that the other day.
	I forgot.
	I was like, you ever say something wrong and then don't correct yourself?
	And you're like, yeah, I'm turning 40 next month.
	And everyone's like, and now no one could listen to anything I said after that.
	And they're like, are you going to go with that?
	And I was like, yeah, right.
	And I was like, I mean, 50. I'm turning 50. So that's so funny.
	I always thought you were an only kid for some reason.
	I was always thinking you had only kid energy.
	I could see that.
	I always felt like an only kid.
	I like distanced myself from my family right out of the gate.
	Yeah, you did, didn't you?
	Yeah, it was just like a budget program over there.
	I was like, I want a profile to figure your brain out because you got energy no one's got.
	You got, you know what you got?
	You got, I was hearing a story about a man from Hawaii.
	I won't say his name, only just out of respect.
	I was hanging out with his son, and they said he left home when he was 12. And then you got that energy.
	And the guy's very successful, very successful in Hawaii.
	Game changer, fucking next level dude.
	You got that energy.
	You got Oprah energy.
	We're like, you go, I'm going to get there.
	I'll make it.
	I'll get through there.
	Yeah, you're an interesting dude.
	Well, thanks, man.
	Yeah, I think you're an interesting dude, man.
	I definitely always get envious of your ability to keep going.
	It's like, and yeah, I think that's where I think people think you're going to die is because they're like, oh, how can he keep going?
	But then I think there's just some people who just have the ability to keep going.
	Like, do you feel under like insane pressure by your own schedule?
	Yeah.
	I was saying that to, when we talked and you were like, how's everything going?
	I said, it can get very overwhelming at times.
	Very overwhelming, especially because I've set myself up into a scenario and I'm not complaining at all.
	I want to be very clear.
	It doesn't sound like you are.
	This doesn't sound like self-pity or anything.
	So a year ago, two years ago?
	No, I think just a year ago today.
	Yeah, because I'm going to Red Rocks next week.
	You're going to Red Rocks next week.
	You just did it like a year ago.
	I did a year ago.
	I'm doing it again.
	Wow.
	So Red Rocks was the one thing that kind of changed my career a tad bit.
	And you know, ticket sales, you know what we can move.
	Like we're all in that same spot where we can move maybe 5,000 to market.
	It's pretty safe to say.
	2,000 to market, 5,000 to market, do a theater.
	And so, and I was supposed to do Red Rocks with Jim Jeffries.
	He had a kid and he had to back out because his due date was on the day we were supposed to do the show.
	And they said to me, hey, man, we can try to find another headline or you can do it by yourself.
	Now, we know, I say me and you, and I could be a little wrong about what you're, I think you may be outselling me, but like, but like 10,000 tickets in a market is a lot.
	That's an arena act.
	And I'm not an act.
	I wasn't at the time an arena act, but I liked the challenge.
	Like, I liked the idea that no one thought I could do it.
	And I liked the challenge.
	And I went, and I knew there was no foul if I didn't, because I was always supposed to do it with Jim.
	So I knew that it was like a get out of jail free card.
	I could take a swing and tug the tiger's tail and see if I can knock him out.
	And blame it on Jim and his kid.
	And if I fail, I go, oh, I'm supposed to do it with Jim.
	But I'm glad he had a kid.
	I'm glad he's happy.
	And so I took the challenge, and I challenged myself to sell Red Rocks.
	I did a lot of promo videos.
	I had a soft announce because I was in Serbia doing the movie.
	My social media numbers were slowed down because of the way all those countries look at the Eastern bloc.
	And so they just, I was getting like 25,000 views on anything I put up.
	And so I had a soft announce for Red Rocks.
	But when I got back to the States, I just hit it hard and I got promo video after promo video.
	I didn't stop thinking.
	I didn't stop working.
	And I went into surgery to get surgery on my elbow from hurting it and ripping my tendons off in the movie.
	I went into surgery and I said, I'm going to use this.
	Everyone counts back.
	This is my way my brain wouldn't just shut off.
	And I said, everyone counts backwards when they go to sleep, not me.
	I'm going to read a promo date.
	I'm going to be like, ladies and gentlemen, I'm performing at Red Rock September 13th.
	Come see me.
	And then, right?
	And so I rolled into surgery.
	The guy's like, what music are you going to listen to?
	I was like, CCR, baby, Credence.
	And we went into surgery.
	My arm was numb.
	I dropped the phone once.
	I threw it up.
	My anesthesiologist is like, what are we doing?
	I said, I'm doing Red Rock, September 13th, October 13th, September 3rd, whatever, September 13th.
	I'm going to be there the night before Jimmy Buffett.
	I'll be at Jimmy Buffett.
	He's like, you're going to Jimmy Buffett?
	I go, you want to go?
	And he goes, I'd love to go.
	And he's like, all right, you're going to feel this.
	And all of a sudden, I'm like, and I dropped the phone on my chest and I went into surgery.
	And then I sold out Red Rocks.
	I sold out Red Rocks and I said it to my team.
	I want that challenge all the fucking time.
	Put me in venues.
	Put me in venues.
	Give me the opportunity.
	I had a change of perception after Red Rocks because I hung out and went to Jimmy Buffett and we hung out in Red Rocks.
	That's us at Red Rocks last year.
	And what was amazing, Theo, is, do you remember you'd hear those comics that would be like, don't ask me when I'm going to come to North Carolina.
	I was just in North Carolina.
	And they'd blame the fans.
	And I was like, why are you blaming the fans?
	It's your fault.
	They don't know.
	You're the reason they didn't come to your show.
	You didn't tell them.
	The onus is on us as the performer to let our fans know that we're coming there.
	Because they want it.
	Like, I have friends in Tampa who are in love with you.
	They want to see you.
	It's your job to let them know.
	And by the way, that's where we come in.
	You post it and I go, oh, shit, my friends in Tampa want to know.
	That's why we're, you know, Rogan set up this great workaround of us helping each other out and letting our friends know.
	Oh, shit, Dio's coming out.
	Sam Morell has a great special on Netflix.
	It's our job to help bump up Sam.
	Shang Wang's special on you on Netflix is fucking awesome.
	When your special came out, I must have tweeted about it or texted about it or put it on Instagram three or four times because we all watched it.
	We were in Austin and we were fucking laughing hysterically.
	And that's the job of our community to lift each other up, but it's our job.
	And when I went to Denver and Evergreen and all around Morrison, not one person that was in that city said, what are you doing here?
	Everyone said, oh, I tried to get tickets to the show.
	I couldn't come.
	Hey, how was the show, Bert?
	Hey, I was at the show.
	It was amazing.
	Not one person.
	We went and looked at Boulder, Colorado for my daughter to go to University of Colorado.
	All the kids on the campus.
	How was the show at Red Rocks, Bert?
	Shit, I couldn't get the tickets.
	It was too late.
	Bert, it sold out before I get tickets.
	That's what you want.
	And so I thought, okay, so if we're talking about promotion, I get promoting once is one thing.
	Promote your tour.
	That's great.
	But I go, I'm going to go into every market where there's an available seat and then I will hammer those markets until they sell out or until they start pulling curtains back.
	And then I said, I want to do this thing fully loaded.
	I want to set up with 10 comics.
	I want to get three tour buses.
	I want to do outdoor venues.
	I want to do arenas.
	I want to do baseball stadiums.
	I want to do all this.
	And they were like, these are big tickets.
	This is 12,000, 15,000 venues.
	And I was like, don't worry, I got this.
	And I challenged myself.
	I said, I'm going to challenge myself.
	And I didn't ask any.
	They were all great.
	Every comic that was on was amazing.
	They helped repost.
	They helped talk about it.
	They helped sell tickets.
	Thank God.
	Nikki Glazer, Chelsea Lynn, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, David Tell, Big Jay Okerson, Fortune Feemster, Dustin Nickerson, Taylor Tomlinson.
	Leave me somebody.
	They all retweeted.
	They all reposted.
	They all did special posts.
	But I said, it's all me.
	It's my tour.
	I created this festival.
	I will fucking, and I got a editor in the back of my bus.
	I had another editor, and I put out content daily.
	And you watched those people just going, oh, it's just commercials.
	It's just commercials.
	And we set record attendance in a ton of places.
	That was a cheat code because technically a baseball stadium can't sit people on the infield.
	So we said record attendance, but whatever.
	But I looked at, and so that challenge, when I did Red Rocks the first time, it changed the way I work.
	So I went, I want to prove it to myself.
	I want to go bigger.
	I want to go harder.
	And so I just don't shut my brain off for stand-up and I don't shut my brain off for promotion.
	And I don't do a lot of television shows because it shifts the way you look at things.
	I love podcasting.
	I have a list of things I talk about on podcasts.
	I think I love doing a podcast.
	I thought about stuff I wanted to talk to you today about.
	And I love that energy of going, I get to hang out with a guy who everyone that's watching right now, everyone would love to sit down with for an hour and a half.
	Everyone watching would love that opportunity.
	And by the way, I'm a fan also.
	I watch you all the time.
	So I'm excited.
	So literally, it's like, if you said to anyone, what do you want to talk to Theo about?
	You're like, I know what I want to talk about.
	And I write it on a list on my phone.
	I go to do Rogan.
	I write it on a list.
	It's fun.
	Getting the opportunity to do Rogan.
	Yeah.
	That's enjoyable.
	Yeah, it's crazy.
	It's like getting to surf with pro surfers.
	Yeah, I mean, I don't know if you're looking at it.
	He lifts you up and you, he looks you amaze.
	He makes you look amazing.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	And so I think I'm very blessed.
	I don't look at any of it as work.
	I just go like, yeah, man, I'll fucking push it till the wheels come off.
	And they'll come off.
	They'll come off.
	There'll be a time where I'm like, I don't know, man.
	I don't know.
	Maybe I'll just die.
	Look, I die in a plane crash.
	They never came off.
	I just died.
	I'll be a fucking legend.
	You died in a plane crash?
	Yeah.
	Tour bus accident?
	Not as much.
	I think so.
	I think that plane crash, people respect that 25,000 feet you went through.
	Yeah.
	You know, and then wondering what he was doing the whole time on the way down.
	I'll tell you what.
	Standing up, drinking Jack Daniels, going, fuck it.
	If it's your time to go, it's your time to go.
	And I'm cranking up Freebird, Leonard Skynyrd.
	If I leave here tomorrow, some people would chime in, dude.
	And I'm hoping, I'm hoping that that coward buckled into the back tells that story, man.
	He went down.
	That's Ronnie Van Zant went down like that.
	Fucking Freebird.
	The plane's going down.
	He just, Ronnie, put your seatbelt on.
	Stands up.
	If it's your time to go, it's your time to go.
	Now, in hindsight, if he wants a seatbelt, he probably survived.
	But that's true.
	I mean, yeah, definitely.
	Because I think everyone lived but him.
	But do you, having done, I know you did your movie.
	Do you think, because Bobby and I just got offered a television show, right?
	And so it's like, the reality, the time commitment and everything is huge, though.
	Yeah.
	I would do another movie.
	I like that time commitment.
	I like that.
	I have a couple projects lined up.
	I would do another movie.
	I really enjoy that process.
	I have to be a producer on the movie and a creative part.
	I can't just, I can't be an actor.
	Yeah.
	I can't just sit, hire me, and I need to be a part of the team that helps make the thing make.
	Make it good, make it funny.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I like that.
	I like giving notes to other actors too.
	Like, I really enjoy that.
	I like the process of making something.
	It's really cool.
	I would do a scripted single camera and that's it.
	A scripted single camera television show.
	I'd do a multi-cam, like a sitcom.
	I think I'd really...
	I'm putting this out there.
	I'll sell out and do like a legit, cheesy, kind of bad multi-cam.
	If you give me like 15 years, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
	If they committed to 15 years, you mean?
	By the way, all they got to do.
	Or you mean 15 years from now.
	Like, if you tell me, like, if you tell me like I can get, I'm using bad examples, but like, if you tell me I can get just a regular sitcom where it's like, Bert has a cow or whatever it's called, you know?
	And then every, I have like a cow that I talk to, and I, he, like, sticks his head into the kitchen window.
	He's like, hey, Bert.
	Yeah.
	And I'm like, what's up, Mr. Cow?
	He's like, you're going to have a rough day today.
	Yeah.
	I was like, really?
	And he's like, I think you should talk to your wife.
	She was up cleaning the dishes last night, really upset.
	And I was like, you're the only one that, I'm the only one that can hear you, right?
	And he's like, that's right, Bert.
	I'll be in the backyard.
	And then my wife comes in.
	She's like, how you doing?
	And I go, I'm just helping with these dishes.
	She's like, Yeah, secret cow.
	Yeah, like that would be, I'd do that show called Having a Cow or something like that.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Don't have a cow.
	Oh, that's it.
	Don't have a cow.
	And then I got a cow that maybe no one sees.
	And it's in India, too, and they like the cows are gods.
	And all my, dude, I'm so attracted to Indian women.
	Oh, yeah.
	And so I have an Indian wife, Indian children.
	I live in India.
	Hello, bro.
	Hey, husband.
	Husband.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That would be great.
	You want some spice?
	Yeah.
	Oh, I love Indian food, too.
	Sprinkled in your fucking mouth, huh?
	But I'm the only one that can see the cow.
	I'd do that.
	By the way, if you're a screenwriter and you want to write that up, I'll do that succumb to a heartbeat.
	You'll do it, yeah, I mean, it'll just, I go vegan.
	Ooh.
	Yeah.
	I go vegan and the cow's.
	And the cow's like, this is what I'm talking about.
	Yeah.
	Did you like, do you like, do you like acting?
	I just did a part in a movie with Bobby, and it was fun, man.
	It was nice because I knew the amount of time commitment.
	Okay.
	That's where I get fucked up.
	That was a big thing.
	Like, like I'd gotten to do that movie with Chris Pratt a couple years ago where he gave me a part and it was, I got there and got to read the script and I saw I didn't have a lot of, and it was 12 weeks.
	I was like, I can't do it.
	It was too much for me to commit to.
	Okay.
	This was only 12 days.
	Okay.
	So I was like, oh, I can handle this.
	How do you feel?
	This is, I'm probably outing myself as like, as, as not a team player, but how do you feel when like a PA goes, just go to your trailer.
	I'll get you when we need you.
	Does that bother you?
	Oh, I like going into that trailer.
	Oh, I can't stand it.
	I want to be on set.
	Really?
	And I go, I'll just be on set.
	And they're like, actually, we can't have you on set.
	And I go, actually, I'm higher on the fucking call seat than you are.
	Actually, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want.
	Actually, I busted my ass for fucking 25 years to get to this point.
	And you have just have an older brother who got you this job and you don't even know what the fuck you want to do.
	Sometimes I feel like that.
	Oh, yeah.
	I think, well, that's the problem with going to do acting is you have to be under somebody else's like jurisdiction and their thoughts and feelings.
	And then it's their words.
	And it's like, like this movie, this, this movie I did was just, it was a friend of mine who had written it.
	He knew me.
	And it was like, if I couldn't communicate with him as clearly as I wanted, if there was any like, he really expressed like a real like ownership, I would have like, I couldn't do that.
	Like, did you meet Chris Pratt?
	Yeah, I met Chris Pratt.
	What's he like?
	Oh, it was super nice.
	I think that's what Jesus would have looked like.
	Nice and clean.
	Oh, yeah.
	Right?
	He looked clean, man.
	I bet he smells good.
	I didn't really smell him.
	I partied with his ex-wife once.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	I didn't smell it, but he was really nice, really affable.
	And I felt kind of bad about leaving because it was such a neat opportunity.
	What was the movie?
	It was called Tomorrow Land, Tomorrow War.
	Oh, that just, has that been out?
	It's been out, yeah.
	It came out during the pandemic.
	What's tough about you, in my opinion, is I'm sure people try to write for you and put you into something and then go, I got Theo's voice.
	But your voice is so authentic and so kind of comedically swaggered in any attempt to write for you is just almost like a parody of you, if that makes sense.
	Like if you try to write for Mitch Hedberg, you'd be like, hey, man, I'm high as fuck.
	And you're like, well, that's not Mitch Hedberg.
	Mitch never talked about, like, you know.
	Right, he just was who he was.
	Yeah.
	And so, like, it's, it's, it's hard to write for your perspective.
	That's why I think it would be tough to like write for you.
	But that's why it makes sense that what you enjoy is collaborating and being like, I'm going to put, I'm going to put my spin on it.
	Yeah, me and Spade just wrote a movie together.
	David Spade?
	So, yeah.
	I got to call.
	Did I tell you I had a dream about him?
	Yeah, he told me about that.
	I got to call him.
	So maybe, so that's been exciting to me because it's thinking like, oh, well, I already know what's going to happen.
	Spade in Manhattan?
	It's called being busboys.
	Oh, for real?
	Yeah.
	It's about adult male bus boys.
	David Spade's one of the coolest motherfuckers.
	He's funny.
	He is like, you know, man.
	That generation of SNL guys, how were they so much funnier than what is on, like, how was like Kevin Neal and like all, how are they, why is there such a different level of their like improvability, do you feel like?
	I was thinking of that today.
	I was, you know what I was thinking?
	I wonder if David Spade ever looked at me and goes, wow, my best friend was the biggest influence on this guy.
	Like this guy loved, like I loved Farley.
	Farley showed us a way to be funny when you didn't know how to be funny.
	You didn't know how to be comfortable with yourself.
	He just showed you that being large, being in being, being, being vulnerable, this, like, he really honestly, like, I wonder how often he goes into a comedy club and goes, well, this guy was a big, my best friend was a big influence on this guy.
	My other best friend was a big influence on this guy.
	I mean, how much of us, like, you look at Shane Gillis, you go, huge influence on Shane Gillis is Norm McDonald, right?
	Norm McDonald's a big influence on all of us.
	One of Spades' best friends.
	I mean, like, Spades, and he's so cool.
	You know, when I fucked up this interview with Adam Sandler really bad, I don't know if you ever saw it.
	It was bad.
	Not as bad as that Greg Lugainis when you did.
	Nope.
	Which is fucking pretty cool, dude.
	Hey, you're a penguin, bro.
	That shit was fucking pretty good.
	You made me laugh the hardest that day in your tribute to Amelia Earhart.
	That's the hardest I ever laughed.
	Well, that chick gets all this clout.
	That bitch went missing.
	You know what I'm saying, bro?
	She didn't even do her job.
	Well, dude, I'm just saying.
	Going to a restaurant, and then you're like, this is the best job ever.
	And then it's 11 o'clock.
	He goes, the meal coming, they're like, he laughing.
	Oh, if that was a dude, no one would talk about it.
	He wouldn't say a word.
	That was a dude, no one would talk about it.
	Wouldn't say a word, man.
	Oh, yeah.
	Ronnie fucked up.
	That's all they would say.
	Ronnie fucked up.
	But they let her.
	They just, you know, it's that Title IX thing, man.
	that's Title IX.
	Oh, God, dude.
	No, I fucked up that Sandler interview.
	It was so bad.
	What happened?
	Had you met him?
	No, I never met him.
	I never met him.
	And I'm obviously Adam Sandler, David Spade, Norm McDonald, Chris Rock, Chris Farley.
	That generation is their thumbprints forever on me.
	Like, Chris Rock, stand up, bring the pain.
	Yeah, he's my favorite.
	It is the thing I watched where I said, I want to do that.
	Like, I'll never do that, but that's what I strive for.
	That strut he had on stage.
	The fucking snap.
	I mean, everything was like a bullwhip.
	Ska, like, jaw.
	And it was so jarring, so amazing.
	And then Sandler, the way he happy, he developed all these great movies that just spokes, the price is wrong, bitch.
	Yeah.
	You can do it.
	Like all these, like, just a way to take, like, your inside jokes with your friends and make them inside jokes with the world.
	And then, you know, Spade was such, Spade, Norm, Dennis Miller, a little older, but like Kevin Nealon, all these guys, they were just so, so influential on my sensibility.
	So Whitney hit me up and said, hey, you know, it's a pandemic.
	She's like, yo, we're doing an interview.
	I'm doing an interview with Adam Sandler.
	You want to come by my house?
	And if you want, she's like, I would love some help interviewing Sandler.
	You know, he's such a fucking star.
	So if you could just come and we'll figure something out.
	For a podcast.
	No, no, no.
	For comedy gives back.
	We're raising money for comics that need a money for the pandemic.
	So I go over to Whitney's backyard.
	I kind of fuck around in the backyard.
	I'm messing around.
	I'm on YouTube.
	I'm doing whatever the, you know, just to make it fun, make it interactive.
	And then she goes to interview Sandler.
	She's like, come on in.
	We're going to interview Sandler.
	And I got, my heart was racing.
	And then he just pops up on a screen.
	He's like, hey.
	And Whitney's like, Adam, I'm here with Burt Chryser.
	And he's like, okay.
	And I went full fucking moron, full dolphin, full baby walrus mode.
	Like, just like, and I talked for about 10 minutes.
	I don't think he said a word.
	And I just said everything wrong.
	You talked for 10 minutes?
	I said, do you have Netflix?
	And Whitney's like, huh?
	And Adam's like, I'm sure in his head, he was like, well, I just, I ran around.
	I was like, do you have Netflix?
	I can't wait to see your new movie, Precious Gems.
	That's not the name of it.
	I just showed my daughters and I sat and watched Happy Madison.
	That's the name of his production company, not the movie we watched.
	Hey, you want to hear a cool story about when I was in college?
	And he's like, huh?
	And I was like, when I was 22 years old, I got voted by the number one party animal in the country.
	You ever seen that whole story?
	I did all of it.
	I did all of it.
	Sorry, man.
	I vomited.
	And Theo, I thought it went well.
	I was like, nailed it.
	That's alcoholism.
	Left Whitney's going, you need the closer.
	Bring in the closer.
	You, Adam Sandler's probably going, who the fuck is this Burt Kreiser guy?
	Sign him to a deal.
	Covert, get Chryser on the line.
	This guy's hot.
	We need him.
	First person to call me was, first person to call me was Big J Okerson.
	And he goes, he goes, hey, man, just letting you know, we're going to trash you.
	And I went, huh?
	He's like, we're on the Zoom next and we are crying, laughing.
	And I go, oh, what?
	And he goes, that Sandler interview.
	I go, good, huh?
	And he goes, good.
	He goes, you asked him if he had Netflix.
	I go, do you think he doesn't?
	And he goes, Bert, he has a $300 million deal at Netflix.
	He definitely has Netflix.
	I went, huh?
	He's like, you called his movie Precious Gems.
	I go, that's not the name.
	He goes, no, it's Uncut Gems.
	He's like, you named the movie Happy Madison.
	It's Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, Bert.
	We are going.
	You didn't let him talk.
	It's the biggest movie star in the world and you didn't let him talk.
	And I went, I just started going like, it was that bad.
	And he goes, we're going online right now.
	We're going to trash you and hung up.
	And I went, huh?
	And then my buddy Mike.
	No, no, no.
	Does podcasts with Greg Luggage?
	Greg Valentine?
	Nope.
	Anyway, Mike, Mike, goddammit.
	He does the podcast with Martin.
	He does a podcast with Greg Fitzsimmons.
	They do Sunday papers.
	Oh, Mike Vecchion?
	No.
	Anyway, he calls me and he goes, that fucking Sandler interview is epic.
	Like I told him, I go, have you seen my new special?
	My special just dropped.
	It's called Hey Big Boy.
	Did you ask Sandler that?
	Dude?
	Dude.
	I was out of control.
	I was out of control.
	Stone sober.
	Stone sober.
	Out of control.
	So this is why Spade's a cool dude, right?
	Unprovoked.
	I get a fucking, you know, Spade sometimes voice text.
	Oh, yeah.
	And he's like, Chrysler.
	Fucking Sandler interview is epic.
	And I'm like, I'm in bed going the next day going, I'm going to have a drink today.
	This is the fucking worst day of my life.
	Yeah.
	This is his annex day.
	And he goes, hey, man, I talked to Sandler.
	He just watched your special.
	He fucking loved it.
	Dude, he loved you.
	You're the best.
	We all love you.
	Don't sweat it.
	And I was like, and like, by the way, didn't need to do that.
	Right.
	Didn't need to do that.
	Didn't need to leave that message.
	Didn't need to let me know, hey, don't worry about it.
	You didn't fuck it up that bad.
	And then I signed a deal with Happy Madison to do a movie.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	So like everything worked out great.
	Like went to Happy Madison, pitched a movie.
	I think.
	Yeah.
	And then signed up to do a movie.
	So everything's like, everything worked out fine.
	But like, man, that interviews, you can find it online.
	Yeah, I can't wait to watch that when I get it.
	It's cringy.
	I might even watch it in the car, dude.
	Yeah.
	I'll tell you this.
	I went to Spade.
	I ran out of gas the other day.
	I was going over to Space to Write.
	He brought me gas.
	Really?
	He's a nice guy.
	Yeah, he's a really nice guy.
	How much money do you think he has?
	He's got a big heart.
	I'll say a name.
	Tell me if he has more than or less than that name.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	Bring his hobby.
	More than.
	Rosie O'Donnell.
	Less than.
	Because he went pretty coarse.
	was like on the...
	Okay.
	Beto O'Rourke.
	Hmm.
	Beto O'Rourke.
	More than.
	More than.
	Hunter Biden.
	Probably a little of his own money?
	Spade.
	Yeah.
	I don't know.
	What do you think those guys?
	I mean, I don't know.
	I think Spade's got $25 million.
	That's what I was going to say.
	He's had a number of very successful movies.
	Yeah.
	He's on sitcoms.
	Oh, I bet he's got way more.
	He was on sitcoms forever.
	He did a sitcom for longer.
	Don't shoot me.
	Yeah.
	No, I think that's.
	Dude, I'll tell you this story.
	So I went with Owen Benjamin, right?
	Okay.
	He took me to a Happy Madison party, right?
	I'd never been before.
	And this is when Vaping Marijuana had just come out.
	People were vaping it, you know?
	And I thought it was a cigarette.
	I hadn't seen the vaping marijuana.
	I'd just seen the vaping cigarette.
	So I'm out there smoking with somebody out front.
	I think it was like Dave Becky or somebody had like a vaping cigarette.
	I don't even remember.
	I couldn't tell you what Dave Becky looks like.
	I couldn't.
	I could probably draw him for you, but actually, I'm not even that good at drawing.
	I know Dave Becky so well.
	Like I know that name.
	I know that.
	I know who he is, but I've never seen him in person.
	That's Louis C.K. That's Dave Becky?
	That's Dave Becky?
	It might not even be Dave Becky.
	I think I've met that guy.
	I might be talking about the wrong guy.
	Okay, keep going.
	So anyway, I take a hit off this cigarette.
	I didn't know it was weed.
	So I go into the party and I start meeting people from the Adam Sandler movies.
	Oh.
	And bro, I didn't know that I had smoked weed.
	And I hadn't really, I'd probably been in Hollywood maybe three years, maybe.
	So I start meeting these people, dude, and I start losing my fucking mind.
	And I start thinking, I can't handle meeting famous people.
	Oh, for real?
	Like, I can't, the more people I meet, the weirder I feel.
	I can't even be in this city.
	Like, this is my first time meeting famous people.
	Yeah, because it is hard.
	You got to learn how to meet famous people.
	And the weed was hitting me.
	I didn't know it was weed.
	Yeah.
	So I'm feeling high.
	I just didn't realize it.
	Really?
	So I'm feeling like fucked up.
	And I'm like, oh man, when I meet famous people, I just, I feel fucked up.
	I can't live like this in this city.
	But if I meet fucking Mark Wahlberg, I'll fucking take my own life or something, you know?
	Like, I just didn't know how bad it was going to get.
	I saw Mark Wahlberg when I first moved to Hollywood walking down Sunset Boulevard with a white t-shirt over his shoulder, like a, I want to say like a Yankees cap on or something or a Boston cap on and jeans just fucking strutting.
	I walked right past him.
	I was like, Marky Mark.
	And he's like, nah, no way.
	Yeah, maybe it wasn't him, and that's why that guy said no, but I thought it was him.
	That's when he was changing his whole mystique, huh?
	I think so, yeah.
	He had the crucifix tatud on his chest and everything.
	I got scared.
	I ended up dancing with Sierra once on the dance.
	Sierra?
	Yeah, she's a musician.
	Really?
	And I got nervous and I was too stoned and I had to go sit out in my car.
	I got nervous.
	I had a meeting at Happy Madison when I was a kid, young in this business, and I just got nervous being in the building because I thought I might run into Adam Sandler.
	It was back when I think they were on like the Sony lot or something.
	And I think they were in Culver City, and there was like a basketball hoop outside.
	And I thought, I was hoping I'd run into Nick's.
	I knew Nick worked with them.
	So I was hoping that I'd run into Nick.
	Nick would be like, oh, Bert, let me introduce you Adam.
	And I'd be like, oh, cool.
	And then I'd be like, what's up, Adam?
	And he'd be like, oh, dude, you're fucking hilarious.
	By the way, I wasn't.
	Especially at the time, I wasn't.
	I don't even know if I am now.
	And so I went in and took the meeting with one of his development execs.
	And the guy goes, it's a great pitch.
	He goes, why do you want Adam to do it?
	And I went, I just want to make it.
	And he goes, can I give you some advice?
	I said, yeah.
	And he goes, focus on your career.
	I was like, what do you mean?
	He goes, write the movie for yourself.
	Make the movie for yourself.
	You should do it yourself.
	He goes, Adam was sitting here.
	He'd go, it's a great idea.
	You should do it.
	And I go, yeah.
	And he goes, that's how he did his career.
	You need to focus on your career.
	You need to work on yourself.
	It's a great pitch.
	And he's like, I mean, I guess we'd buy it if you're done doing things for yourself.
	But like, you're comic.
	Like, you should do it for yourself.
	I went, okay.
	And nothing happened to it.
	I sold it.
	I think I sold it to Disney with Will Smith attached.
	Nick Cannon was attached, but Will Smith was going to produce.
	Would you take a break now and do a television show, or you're saying you would do one down the line?
	I wouldn't take a break.
	I can't.
	So not take us.
	But if you do a TV show, it's just the time commitment.
	You have to like skip.
	You have to scale.
	You can't work 12 hours a day.
	Yeah, I wouldn't.
	I couldn't.
	So you couldn't do it.
	I have huge, huge chunks.
	Europe, Australia booked out for next year.
	I have a huge chunk in between that and then a big run at the end.
	And yeah, I couldn't do it.
	You know, I've often thought to stop doing specials because that process of doing specials can be a tabbit overwhelming because I'm a little bit obsessive about putting out a good special.
	I mean, I watch everyone's special.
	I watch everyone's special for two reasons.
	I want to see if I'm stepping on anyone's material.
	And I like to see how people do things.
	You know, I'm going to pay you a compliment.
	I hope you're cool with this.
	But like, I learned a lot watching your special.
	And I learned what I don't do sometimes is what you're so brilliant at.
	And I'll never be as good as you, but I can work harder on what I don't do.
	And what I don't do is I don't really tell you the characters sometimes.
	I just start telling the story, hoping you know the characters.
	You set up, you paint a picture of a character or a scenario you're about to hear so brilliantly, so brilliantly that I literally, I remember being on the fucking road driving to two bears, one cave in an escalade with my whole team.
	And I was like, listen to what he fucking does.
	Like, I'm playing it back going, this is like, this is like, there's no one better than you.
	You can set up a story so brilliantly where I go, I want to hear that.
	My problem is I just start telling the story sometimes.
	I go, I need to work on like creating the characters, being in the moment, being slower, you know, because I think because I tell sometimes, you know, 13-minute stories, I just start going, let's go, let's go, let's go.
	Thanks for the compliment, man.
	It's really sweet of you.
	I'm envious of the way that you, I feel like I have to catch up to you sometimes.
	And that's more fun, I feel like.
	I feel like your style is so much more fun.
	It's like, here I am in the middle of the fucking action.
	Like with me, it's like, I feel like you have to go to boot camp.
	You need to shine your shoes.
	You have to go to bed and get up early.
	With you, I feel like I fucking open my eyes and I am on Normandy fucking beach.
	And who knows what is going to happen?
	That's the best compliment I've ever heard.
	Right there in the shit.
	That's a great compliment.
	You always seem very present, man.
	And that's one thing that I really admire.
	I think that's why I take my shirt off is so that I remind myself that it's supposed to be fun.
	Like, that's what I did it the first time.
	Would you ever go fully nude?
	Do you think?
	Yeah, I would.
	Have you thought about it?
	No.
	No, yeah, yeah, yeah, I have.
	There's a show that's fully nude in New York, and I would definitely do it.
	I have no problem being naked.
	I don't even have a good dick.
	Would you wash up first or not?
	I'd probably trim up.
	I wouldn't trim up.
	I don't know what I'd do.
	I wouldn't wash up.
	Would you wax your butt?
	Uh-uh.
	I wouldn't see them.
	Oh, they would see my butt in my current.
	Oh, they would.
	Unless you walk off the stage backwards like that.
	You could do that.
	Walk on the stage and walk out like a hostage.
	I've had hair on my butt, dude.
	So if I was with a chick, I would always walk out.
	You mean like backwards out of the room?
	Yeah.
	Oh, I don't have hair on my butt cheeks.
	Not a bunch, but like almost like this, but without the little prongs.
	Yeah.
	I have a lot of hair on my ass hole.
	Ooh.
	Yeah.
	And so I wonder if you can see it.
	My ass is starting to look like a sad.
	I have a great ass.
	I take that back.
	It's looking better.
	I think because I've been running a lot, it looks better.
	When I was gaining weight, my ass looks sad.
	Like I got a, I did a video of me naked and it just didn't look right.
	And I went, ooh.
	I was getting old man ass.
	And now I'm back running and lifting and doing deadlifts.
	I think my ass is back to.
	I took a video of my ass in Hawaii and it looked good.
	Looked really good.
	How nice is Hawaii?
	It's the best place in the world.
	God.
	You know what I did?
	I'll tell you, this is a, I don't really share this with a lot of people because it does sound a little dragadoshi, you think?
	No, no, no, no, no, not at all.
	Not at all.
	I even feel about saying I go to Hawaii.
	Oh, I feel bad that people have never been to Hawaii.
	I actually said to my, I said to my wife, we stayed at Turtle Bay.
	It's fucking gorgeous.
	Yeah.
	And I said, you know what?
	I'm bummed.
	I have experience.
	I have had a lot of great experiences in life.
	One of my favorite experiences is taking my daughters to Hawaii, take them into the ocean, letting them get snorkels and go a little deeper than they're comfortable, watching them get scared.
	And it's their dad taking care of them.
	I love Hawaii.
	It's the greatest place on the planet.
	It's set up.
	That aloha energy is like, hello, but it's also like, get the fuck out.
	And so that's the whole, and by the way, their whole economy is set up so that you have the greatest time you've ever had so that you tell your friends that's, it's like, it's amazing.
	It's amazing.
	Shaved ice, there's nothing better to put in your mouth.
	And so I bet if you put condensed milk on a dick, I'd love sucking dick.
	So and you iced it up.
	You have to get a cold dick.
	And then so that.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Oh, I ain't sucking no warm dick.
	That is.
	It's either hot dick or cold dick, but lukewarm.
	So I set a goal.
	It doesn't sound braggadocious.
	What I'm saying is very vulnerable.
	Okay.
	So I was 265.
	No, I've never, maybe I've said this.
	I don't know if I've said it.
	Did you feel fat at that weight?
	No.
	I love that.
	I didn't even notice I was fat.
	Like it just, I'd catch a picture and I'd be like, woof.
	Or like, I had a hard time.
	We had a new couch and I had a hard time like getting up.
	Like it would just like this would be like, ooh, no, you're not going anywhere.
	It was like a big brother sitting on your chest going, fuck off.
	And so I've wanted to surf.
	I've wanted to surf.
	I surfed as a little bit as a kid, but like as an adult, I thought this would be a cool thing to be able to do, to be able to get a surfboard, go to the beach and burn, and for two hours, just burn like a thousand calories of fun, of fun.
	Yeah.
	Paddling and just, it would be fun.
	And I was like, and to glide on the wave, I've only done it a few times, but that feeling of gliding on top of the ocean with just the ocean pushing, it's very, it's a lot like riding.
	Yeah.
	So I said at 265, we tried a couple times to get surf lessons and I could not, I couldn't physically get from laying on my stomach to on my feet in enough time that I needed to get up on the board.
	And so I said, I made a goal.
	When we took time off, I said, I'm going to lose weight.
	I'm going to lose enough weight so that I can go to Hawaii.
	So I booked a trip to Hawaii for me, my daughter, my assistant, my cameraman, and my sister.
	Those two, because we were all flying, we had to go straight to tour.
	So I booked a trip for all five of us at Turtle Bay.
	I went to Turtle Bay because Jamie O'Brien has a surf school.
	I follow Jamie O'Brien on YouTube.
	I know the guy's legit.
	I know that he makes surfing fun.
	And I kind of knew, and I hit up like a couple guys, like Nathan Florence.
	And I was like, that surf school is pretty.
	Yeah, it's good break.
	It's easy break.
	And those guys are fucking awesome.
	You're going to have a blast.
	Wow.
	So I didn't hit up Jamie.
	I didn't tell him like, yo, I'm coming to your surf school.
	I wanted to pay for it because I wanted to do it.
	I wanted to pay for it so that I could do it so that if I needed more time, I didn't feel rushed.
	So I bought surf school set lessons on the first two days we were there for two hours for me, my sister, my daughter, my cameraman, and my assistant.
	No cameras, just all we're going to do is learn how to surf.
	And for two months, every day, I did a few exercises.
	I did this Rev balance board to try to get work on my balance.
	But more importantly, I would do planks for a minute and I would do pop-ups, like burpee pop-ups to try to get to the place where I could get my fat fucking piece of shit body off the ground.
	Like just literally, I would every morning just do like 10 pop-ups and just try to get up.
	Well, getting your knees up to your stomach, that's the tough.
	That's the tough part.
	And I had to lose weight to get to that level.
	Got that carriage on you.
	Yeah.
	So I got down to 245, which is 20 pounds.
	Very nice.
	20 pounds less.
	Very nice.
	And I was, and I was in good, I mean, I'm in really good shape right now, but it was two weeks ago.
	So I was in really good shape going in.
	I hadn't drank in like 12 days or something, but not for any reason, just because like, because I went to Mark Norman's bachelor party and I was like, I need a fucking break.
	And so I went into Hawaii and that first day, first wave, they pushed me into a fucking bust ass.
	And then I sat in the water.
	I'm like, this is not going to be my trip.
	I was like, I will, as like a little boy in a fucking 49-year-old man's body, I said, let's focus.
	Let's take our time.
	We're going to get this.
	So I went back.
	My surf instructor, I fuck his name up.
	It's I-K-I-A.
	No, it's I-K-I-A.
	IKI, maybe.
	I-K-A-I-K-A is how you say it.
	It's Akaika.
	He said, Hey, man, take your time.
	This is German, isn't it?
	No, it was very Hawaiian.
	Oh, it is?
	Yeah, yeah.
	You were thinking IKEA.
	I don't know what I was thinking.
	That's Swedish.
	Oh, yeah.
	And so he goes, hey, man, arch for a little bit longer and take your time.
	So he pushes me into a big wave and I arch and I take a breath.
	I'm moving now.
	And then I just very slowly get up to my knees, slide my feet around, stood up, and I was fucking surfing.
	And I'm telling you, I've had very few like moments of like accomplishment.
	And it sounds crazy to say because I feel like I've done a lot, but like where you go, hey man, I fucking busted my ass in the gym for two months.
	I did the work so that I could do this and I'm doing it.
	And I fucking surf that wave all the way to that next buoy.
	And I, I turn around and my daughter's cheering for me.
	My sister's cheering for me.
	A kaika is like, that's it.
	You did it.
	You did it.
	And I surfed for two days, four hours.
	The waves got shitty after that.
	But four hours I had of just being in the water surfing.
	And I loved it so much.
	Now, granted, if I want to go surfing in LA, I need a kaika to come out here and push me into waves and coach me and be like, Arch, Arch, Arch, on your knees, on your knees, front foot, back foot, bend down.
	You're fucking go.
	God damn it.
	Like I need him.
	Like, I'm not that good.
	But I had a fucking blast.
	And I, and I, and, and, uh, and it was, it was something I wanted to do.
	I wanted to, I wanted to do it.
	I wanted, it's like, you know, wait, Rogan, you watch him take up these hobbies.
	He sucked at archery when he started, I'm sure.
	But he was like, I want to be an archer.
	So you need that moment of vulnerability.
	I'm not saying I'm going to be a surfer, but like, you need that moment of vulnerability.
	Right.
	Where you say, I'm not going to be.
	Yeah.
	You need to crawl.
	And it's so, when you, when you're at a place in your life where you don't need to crawl a lot, you go, I could just go do the road.
	I'll do this.
	I'll do podcasts.
	I'll do, I don't, I'll go ride a bike.
	I'll go to the gym.
	I don't need to crawl in front of people.
	It's embarrassing, too, being fat in the water, having a guy 20 years younger than you'd be like.
	People looking at you.
	Big animals coming by.
	Hey, buddy.
	Yeah.
	And so I went surfing in Hawaii.
	It was fucking awesome.
	Fuck.
	It's really great.
	Yeah, there's something magical about it, man.
	Yeah, if me and Bobby do a TV show, we talked about maybe trying to shoot it in Hawaii.
	That would be good.
	If you need a guest star, some fat guy who fails a lot, I'll do it.
	It's a big time commitment.
	That's the thing.
	I mean, it's a blessing to have the opportunity.
	Oh, doing with Bobby would be fun.
	Doing with Bobby living in Hawaii.
	I had Bobby on my first episode of Something's Burning.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah, that's why it just came out.
	Just came out today.
	I did one with Andrew Santino back then.
	Made tacos.
	By the way, that's when I met, really met Andrew Santino for the first time.
	Yeah.
	I never really knew Andrew.
	I knew of him and stuff, but I never really hung out with him.
	He's fucking interesting, man.
	He seems like he's living a great fucking life.
	Every time you see him, he's in everything.
	He's a great fucking actor.
	Great comic, but every time you see him, he's like on the back of a boat with a fucking celebrity or playing golf with a fucking celebrity or like doing like cool, fun, active shit.
	And he's in good shape.
	He drinks, but he's not like, he drinks like a regular person because he'll get loose.
	But then he's like, I got shit to do.
	He stays active, man.
	Yeah, he stays real active.
	For a redhead, too.
	I know.
	They're not supposed to be active.
	Well, you know, they stopped doing their sperm at the sperm banks a while back.
	No.
	They quit collecting redheaded semen.
	Are you serious?
	Oh, if I was Andrew Santino, I'd get a wig.
	Yeah.
	And a fake mustache and just fucking do it for your race.
	Yeah.
	Do it for your people.
	Red October 2. It is all October.
	Go to Sperm Banks and just bust.
	It comes out pink.
	You know that?
	Redheaded.
	Oh, I don't even tell me.
	It comes out pink.
	Well, that one dude, but I think he was sick.
	Oh, dude.
	I wonder what's going to happen with Tiger Belly if Bobby's going to be I think they're split up.
	But they're still co-hosts of the same podcast.
	I wonder if that's going to get strange or not.
	I think about that sometimes.
	I'm going to tell you what I'd do.
	Burn it to the ground.
	Burn it to the ground.
	Ah, bad friends.
	100% bad friends.
	100% friends.
	I'd be fucking, I'm not as, I'm pretty shallow.
	If I was in that situation, I don't know, I would be very, I wouldn't be fun to work with.
	Really?
	I would not.
	I would be drinking all the time.
	If you were the spouse, you mean?
	If Leanne and I had a podcast, like I'll do Leanne's podcast every now and then.
	But if Leanne and I had a podcast and I don't know, I don't know all the things that people know.
	I don't know everything.
	I don't know what I know what I know.
	And so I don't want to say too much because I don't know what everyone knows, but I know what I know.
	And I know that if I was in that situation of like, of splitting up and-Yeah, could you still work together?
	And I don't know what everyone knows, but like, it seems, in my opinion, I don't know if Bobby didn't want to be with her, if she didn't want to be with Bobby, but regardless, if I was in Bobby's situation, and that was Leanne, I'd be like, I would not be as- She's awesome.
	But I just, I know if I was Bobby, I wouldn't be the funnest dude to be around.
	Yeah.
	Every episode would be about how my feelings.
	Every episode would be about my feelings.
	Yeah.
	About how I feel.
	How this is my house.
	How this is my house.
	Well, that's just it's going to be interesting, but maybe that could be cool for people.
	It could be like a real soap opera.
	It could be.
	It could be, but I don't think it's good for Bobby's mental health.
	Yeah, that's crazy.
	Or Kalila's mental health.
	Yeah, that's what I wonder.
	It's like, how does something happen?
	It's like when you split up, how do you stay working together?
	Some people do it.
	It's very do it.
	You got to be a bigger man than me.
	And I'm just not that big of a man.
	I'm very sensitive.
	I'm very vindictive.
	Like, meaning like when it comes to feelings.
	Oh, yeah.
	There's moms in our friend circle that I'll never give a second chance to.
	They've fucking hurt my daughter or said shit about my wife that there's dads I'll never get a second chance to.
	They don't know it.
	I do it behind their back because I'm fucking, I'm hateful.
	Wow.
	Like it doesn't happen in the business.
	I mean, sure, I'm sure it's happened in the business.
	Usually people hate me.
	Like I don't hate people.
	Like I have a couple people that hate my guts.
	And you just got to go, all right, whatever.
	I don't care.
	But like, I don't, I'm not the best at like, I'm not the best at like navigating those moments kind of like it's something I'm very emotional.
	Like, Tom will, Tom could tell anyone right now, and we've said it on two bears, I get my feelings hurt very easily over very stupid stuff.
	The dumbest stuff in the world, my feelings get hurt, and Tom knows it.
	And like, there's certain things, like the dumbest things, you know, like if we have a dinner party, like where I sit sometimes can hurt my feelings.
	Wow.
	And so, and so, and, and I, and I, like, if they sit you at an end or something, or they don't sit right there.
	Say, like, uh, you and Brendan have a dinner party, right?
	You bring chicks and then you have all these guys here, and they bring chicks, and you invite me and Leanne.
	I expect to sit near you guys, right?
	Like, and so if all of a sudden everyone's, and it could be a real accident, like you guys sit in the corner and then these guys all sit around you and then me and Leanne at the end, I'll become a nightmare.
	Like, I'll just, I'll be like, but internally, and you won't know it at the time, but then all of a sudden I'll start like, I'll be like, so why do you work with this fucking guy with the beard?
	And you're like, what?
	And I'm like, I don't know, man.
	It's got glasses on.
	Do you want a guy with glasses that can't see the screen like that?
	I mean, fuck what?
	You know, like, and it'll show up.
	It'll rear its head.
	It 100% happened with Nadav.
	It 100% happened with Nadav.
	And Tom witnessed it happen.
	And it was little things said to me the wrong way I would take very personally.
	Yeah, it's like a chat.
	I think we're such trapped kids as comedians, you know?
	I have to get past it.
	And I have to learn, like, I have to literally go.
	Like, everyone that listens to Two Bears knows that it happened with Nadav.
	It happened when we first started working together.
	I did not feel like I was a partner in the situation internally because of weird things like Not Nadav would say that he was oblivious to.
	But I would read wrong.
	Or maybe he'd say something and it would come up with too much energy.
	And I'd be like, who the fuck do you think?
	And Tom saw it very early.
	And he was like, hey, man, I know you.
	It's not what you think.
	But I was already there.
	I was already in the fucking, I was already in the fucking well of blood just fucking pouring on me.
	Let me climb out.
	Let me climb out.
	I'll savagely kill everyone.
	Yeah.
	So, so I wouldn't do well with that.
	Suck off an Aorta, bro.
	I would not do well in that.
	Wow.
	But whenever you get in those moments and you have those feelings, are you able to start the conversation?
	With somebody say, this is kind of what's going on?
	Or do you get stuck in this, in that boiling?
	I get stuck in the boiling.
	Yeah.
	I get sometimes, sometimes.
	I'm stuck in the boiling right now over one person.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Stuck in the boiling.
	In the podcast universe?
	Not really.
	I mean, kind of, but not really.
	No, no.
	I mean, yes.
	It's a woman.
	How did you get sent?
	I just knew it.
	So, yeah, I have to learn.
	I'll talk to Leanne about it.
	I'm in therapy.
	Better help.
	Shout out to BetterHelp.
	Yeah, totally, dude.
	Use promo code burning.
	But I have to work through it.
	I've had it bad.
	Have you been able to call him and talk to him about it or no?
	I tried.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, some people.
	Yeah, some people.
	I had an issue with one dude and I texted him and we texted back and forth.
	And I didn't actually have an issue with the dude.
	The dude had an issue with me.
	And I was like, I want to end this.
	I want to get past this.
	There's some people I've written off, and I don't think of them.
	Like, I just wrote them off, and I was like, that was a big thing my wife taught me is that some people are just dead to you.
	You just got to go, oh, you're dead to me.
	I can't be your friend.
	The thing you do is a little toxic and it fucks me up and I just need to stop.
	Right.
	It's just not the best relationship.
	It's not the best relationship for me.
	And I don't want it for me.
	And then there's people you want to have a relationship with that, and that's the ones we're talking about, where you want to have a relationship with, but they hurt you.
	And then, and because you're hurt, I end up just laying in bed and ruminating.
	It's called, is it ruminating?
	Or it's where you repeat the thought over and over and over again of how you have the conversation.
	There's been, there's been moms that, moms that, there's been parents that have gave my kid alcohol that I just, to this day, burn it to the fucking ground.
	When I found that, I was like, what the fuck?
	Like, you know, because there's cool parents who are like, you guys can drink at my house.
	Yeah, that's insane.
	Thank you.
	Leads to molestation, leads to people getting pregnant, kids fucking outside.
	Thank you that.
	And because I'm the guy that drinks on stage with his shirt off and parties, and I thought you'd be cool with it.
	Are you out of your fucking mind?
	Hey, I also fuck my wife.
	I don't want you fucking my kid.
	Like, the fuck?
	Yeah.
	I remember I got a blowjob one time behind like a real small tree, right?
	This girl invited me behind a small tree and we were young and pretty dumb and we got busted, man.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	And it was like, just because there's no way to really hide behind it, you know?
	Wait, how old were you?
	Probably 13, 14, you know?
	Wow, that's up early to get a blowjob.
	At a party.
	It was so dumb.
	It literally, the tree was like this wide.
	And we're like, you know, doing a blow, you know, getting a blowjob done.
	And the parents showed up.
	And that's what happens when kids drink at houses, man.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	I mean, you drink.
	When you drink and your crotch comes out.
	Like, that's like the first.
	That's the point of drinking.
	Yeah.
	It's like, it's like.
	I'm not drinking to fucking learn more about, you know.
	My daughter's not drinking because she has ticket sales in Alaska.
	She needs to move.
	She's not drinking because her numbers are low in Lubbock.
	They want to fucking fucking suck them down.
	Yeah.
	Fucking, they're not, she's not drinking because her wife wants to buy another house.
	They're fucking.
	Is that, is that, okay, that's double.
	I'm like, what is that stroke?
	Right above my name, that's double print.
	That's like double that print.
	Yeah, so, and so, like, I do, I'll ruminate over stuff like that.
	But I've gotten better.
	Therapy really helps because you got to, you got to let the shit go.
	Oh, yeah, man.
	it's hard.
	And especially, you got to realize other people are just living their lives.
	A lot of times they don't even know what they're doing.
	Like, it's old wounds that we attach to like new things that happen, man.
	Oh, it's been, I've been down that road.
	I feel we've all been there.
	Yeah, it's, it's, uh, I feel, I feel like, uh, like, I said to my wife, I, I, I, I said to my wife very vocally a few months ago, I was like, I need to, like, double up on therapy.
	She was like, what's going on?
	And I was like, I don't know.
	I think I'm, I think I'm starting a midlife crisis.
	Like, I, like, the feelings of turning 50. Like, is it fear?
	Like, what do you mean?
	No, I just started realizing certain things.
	I started realizing, like, actualizing certain things going like, shit, man.
	Like, you know, Tim Dylan said something very, very insightful to me.
	I was having a rough day and I think, no, I think I was having a great day.
	But regardless, I was talking about, you know, sometimes you wake up, you think of death.
	That's your first thought.
	I'm like, that's not cool.
	And you got to fight through it, you know?
	And I, and Tim Dylan said, you are at the height of your life.
	It will never get better than right now.
	Today, your kids are in that house.
	Everyone's here.
	The whole family's healthy.
	They haven't told you to quit drinking yet.
	You're making the most money you've ever made.
	You're doing the biggest venues ever done.
	You got a movie in the can.
	You got movies lined up.
	You are living.
	Your life today will never get better in the future.
	So seize today.
	And I went, oh, and I was like, yeah, yeah.
	Like, death freaks me out.
	And so I got to try to push through death of like, like, one day you die.
	It's undeniable.
	One day it goes black for everyone.
	It just goes black.
	That's why, that's what leads me to the guest I want to get on my podcast that you were trying to guess.
	Okay.
	So, you know, it's a person of faith.
	I know who it is then.
	If you know it.
	The Pope.
	No.
	By the way, huge get.
	Huge get.
	The Pope would be fucking great.
	A person of faith.
	He's like, hey.
	Justin Bieber.
	You're so fucking close.
	You're so fucking close.
	Carl Lentz.
	I don't know who that is.
	He's a pastor.
	Judith Smith.
	Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
	What does he do?
	The pastor?
	Yeah.
	He's oh, Joel Osteen.
	No.
	I don't know the guy's name.
	T.D. Jakes.
	The Hillsong guy.
	Carl Lentz.
	Is that him?
	Type in Carl Lentz.
	Hillsong?
	The Hillsong pastor?
	It's either Carl.
	I don't know if Judith Smith is.
	The guy that switched Bieber.
	Oh, that's Carl.
	I just texted with Carl yesterday.
	No, you know him?
	Yeah.
	No way.
	You know that dude?
	Yeah.
	So he's sweet.
	Tell me about him.
	Because I don't know anything about him.
	All I know is all I know is, oh, that's what he looks like?
	Yeah.
	So I didn't, all I know is that he's like got faith, right?
	Yeah, I don't know a, wait, goth faith?
	He's got faith.
	Yeah.
	He believes in God, right?
	Yeah, yeah, he believes in God.
	I don't know a super ton about, I mean, I know Carl, like, I guess I don't know about a ton about his history.
	I know he had, I know, I met, him and Justin came to a show of mine.
	No.
	In New York a while back.
	And that was the first time that I met both of them.
	I think, maybe I'd met Carl before that.
	I don't remember.
	That's a guy I'm going to get on my podcast.
	But yeah, I always thought I would love to have Carl on too.
	I think he's a super neat guy.
	We're supposed to catch up sometime.
	I know he's.
	That's the hard thing about being a man of the cloth is you got to live.
	You got to walk the walk of the talk you talk, right?
	So you can't fuck up a little bit.
	Because that happened to John Christ.
	Oh, yeah.
	He got fucking canceled for drinking vodka out of a water bottle and trying to kiss a girl Rollerblade.
	And you're like, but it makes sense when he tells you it.
	He goes, yeah, man, I was lying to my fans.
	I was saying I'm one thing.
	I'm really the other thing.
	He also got like a mistletoe tattoo on his belly button near his belly button.
	Are you fucking serious?
	I'm joking.
	But, no, Carl's a Nikai, man.
	Yeah, I'd love to get to spend time with you.
	That's the guy.
	That's so crazy, bro.
	I was just texting with him yesterday.
	That's a guy I like to get on my podcast.
	I'm curious about how I was talking to Bill Maher about this, about like, I was saying, if you could get a surgery and they would just clip a little synapse in your brain and immediately tomorrow you'd believe in God.
	Believe in God 100%.
	You'd be like, I get it.
	Like, I get it.
	I get it, man.
	I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm not going to change my life, but I get it.
	And there's an afterlife and I have faith and it feels good to pray.
	Like, you go like, I'm going to pray a little bit.
	Like, every time I pray, it's always like, hey, man, don't let this shit happen, you know?
	Like, hey, man, hey, man, I know that was a lot.
	I didn't mean to take that much.
	Like, I'm going to sleep.
	Please make sure I wake up in the morning.
	Stuff shit.
	You know, like, so I go, those are my prayers where I'm getting on a flight.
	Hey, God, don't let me die.
	Hey, I'm getting ready to go on stage for this special, God.
	Hey, just keep going.
	Right.
	Last minute, God.
	It's always like, it's always like a fucking.
	It's like God out of jail free.
	You know what it's like?
	It's like God from Pulp Fiction when he calls Eric Stoltz and God's always like, Prank Aller, Prank Aller.
	And so like, I would love to meet a guy like this and pick his brain and see if he can switch my synapse or at least see if I can figure out a couple of cheat codes.
	It's like hanging out with Rogan.
	I don't do all the shit Rogan does, but I do some of it.
	I saw night polar plunge.
	I work out.
	I don't do the fucking hyperbaric chambers and the fucking all the fucking stuff he does to his body.
	I don't do all of it, like stem cells.
	I mean, I do some stem cells.
	Shedding my skin every six months or whatever.
	Yeah, when he goes and lays and waxes and then peels it off.
	Yeah.
	Him and Tom, they're hardcore, like Lance Armstrong taught them how to dope their own blood.
	Now they dope their own blood in Austin.
	That's why they move there.
	Oh, cool.
	It's because of the blood doping.
	So, dude, I'd love clean blood.
	Now, but I would love to talk to that guy open-minded, like legit open-minded and be like, dude, like, Like, yeah, what, like, and look, here's the deal.
	I hear he's not the guy that goes, well, first off, you got to quit drinking.
	Yeah.
	Like, I heard he's like a cool dude who's like, it's like, hey, man, you seem to be doing good.
	You know, like, let's figure it out.
	I heard people very practical.
	I think if they, I think that, well, I mean, I've had a, like, I had no faith when I was a kid, except for like hypothetical faith of like going to church and things you would hear.
	Yeah.
	But then, as an adult, I think a relationship with God is just like a relationship.
	It's like you just have to work on it.
	It's like you pray a couple times a day, you like start gratitude.
	Well, I started doing gratitudes.
	You put things in God's hands.
	You like recognize, hey, this is God's will, not my will today.
	Like, it's literally like a relationship.
	It's like a relationship with anyone.
	The more you check in with them and talk with them, the bigger the relationship grows.
	So that's all I think it is.
	And then, yeah, once you're believing that you're not the one doing everything, that God is, it takes all the stress off of you.
	Do you believe that?
	I do believe that.
	I've had that experience in my life before.
	And I mean, it blew my mind.
	Well, see, then it blew my mind.
	Really?
	Because, yeah, I was like, oh, this doesn't, that's not.
	And then you're like, oh, wow.
	This is to be carefree and have your mind just be like a vacant lot where the present moment feels like it's just loitering like instead of all over the place.
	I felt a hard time connecting with the present moment at times where I'm thinking about the next thing too much.
	Yeah, or not even I'm thinking about it.
	My brain is thinking about it.
	I mean, stand-up's kind of defined on that.
	Like if you're in the present and stand-up, you're not thinking about the next thing you're saying.
	You ever been on stage and you're like, I can't believe they're laughing.
	And then you're like, you're like, I'm onto the next joke.
	Like, I'm already working on the next joke, trying to think of how I punch that up.
	Yeah.
	And so living in the present is kind of difficult.
	It's tricky.
	Well, especially in today's world.
	I mean, we're constantly getting feedback from the past.
	We're constantly getting looking at judging things, judging ourselves.
	It's a really, it's an interesting time.
	But no, I think a guy like Carl, a guy like Judas Smith, those are TD Jakes.
	Those are all some pastors that I think could be legit.
	I would like to see a Joel Osteen.
	Just as a performer, as a performer, I would like to see, I wanted to like, I want to like, I do that when I go to shows.
	I go to shows.
	I mean, look, I know people are going to be like, do you enjoy anything, Bert?
	But like, I can't turn off the fact that I'm a stand-up comedian who performs in venues, right?
	So like, I'll go to, I did the Greek and I looked at the lineups of who they had and I was like, I was like, okay, like kind of curious of like, everything I do is kind of like an assessment.
	I look at things from a fan, like, okay, I went to the Hollywood Bowl to get Steely Dan.
	And so I thought, because we do pre-sale for our tours, right?
	And do you ever think to yourself, like, what the fuck's pre-sale?
	Like, I don't even get pre-sale.
	Like, pre-sale is like, it seems like, why don't you just release them on sale?
	Everyone's going to buy them anyway.
	And then I went, oh, pre-sale's for your Uber fans because you got to use a promo code.
	And there are people that won't.
	So I said, Steely Dan's coming to the Hollywood Bowl.
	They put them on pre-sale.
	I bought them at pre-sale so I can get good seats.
	And I went, that's what pre-sale is about.
	And then I said, how do I communicate this knowledge to people listening right here?
	Here's how pre-sale works.
	I ended up buying a whole box at the Hollywood Bowl.
	I ended up buying two technically, and I filled it.
	And then I had the tickets because it's my night, right?
	So if you're a Theo Vaughn, I'm going to pitch you listening for a Theo Vaughan experience, right?
	Right now you're listening and going, I don't get it.
	He's going to release here next door on pre-sale.
	Promo code will be Rat, right?
	Rat King.
	Rat King.
	So when he releases it, you be the first one, 10 a.m.
	Wednesday, when those tickets are on pre-sale, you create your night you want to have because it's your present to yourself.
	You've busted your ass at the office all week.
	You're going to get to treat yourself.
	So buy, say buy six tickets, right?
	And get them.
	You're going to get great tickets.
	You're going to get them in pre-sale and you're going to get them at the right price point.
	No one's gotten in there yet.
	These are your tickets.
	They're through the venue.
	You get six tickets and then you send a text out that morning to the six people you want to see that show with and go, hey guys, I got tickets for Theo Vaughn.
	Got them at a great price point.
	I would love to see the show with you guys.
	And then you get to plan your evening of how your night goes.
	You're going to see your favorite comedian and you're picking your favorite people to see them with.
	That's how it went.
	And so I looked at it like, I went to Steely Dan and I went, I went, I want a box.
	And I was like, well, the box is only like six people or maybe eight people.
	I go, I got more than that.
	I got two boxes.
	And then I went, okay, this is a little bit of money, but I go, I got two boxes.
	And then I started a Steely Dan chat thread, right?
	And I thought, who do I want to see this with?
	Leanne, my buddy Tom, my buddy Sandy, my manager, Judy, her husband.
	Oh, I want my trainer, Lacey, to go.
	Lacey's roommates, Antonia LaPasa, one of the best chefs in all of LA.
	It's the Hollywood Bowl.
	We cater it ourselves.
	Oh my God, Antonia.
	I love being with her, but she is the best chef in the world.
	So I hit up group chat.
	Hey, guys, who wants to go to Steely Dan?
	Everyone hit up immediately.
	I love it.
	I think I paid for all the tickets.
	I don't know if I did or I didn't.
	I don't remember.
	I know I wasn't like, I need money, but whatever.
	So like, we, and I got to plan out the next night.
	So then I go to Steely Dan and as a performer, right?
	I sit in there that day and I go, what am I going to wear?
	This is crazy, right, Theo?
	This is how crazy my brain is.
	And this is when you say you're a workaholic.
	This is what is wrong with me.
	I thought to myself, what do I want to wear to Steely Dan?
	Well, I know it's the Hollywood Bowl.
	I know it's outdoors.
	It might get cold later.
	Ooh, I hope he's selling sweatshirts.
	Right?
	Because wouldn't it be cool to show up in what you want to wear?
	But if you get cold, you have the opportunity to buy a sweatshirt.
	Wool, steely wool.
	Something, something, something, right?
	And so I was like, I was like, man, I want to text Steely Dan right now.
	So I did on Instagram.
	I was like, yo, I don't know if you guys are selling sweatshirts at your show.
	Hit me up because I want a sweatshirt.
	And then I'm like, okay.
	I look at beer lines.
	I walk in.
	I look at beer lines.
	I look at parking.
	I look at all that shit as a thing because I go, I want to make sure that my fans have the best experience of their life because I want them to go.
	That was awesome.
	Like, that was great.
	Top to bottom.
	I got a sweatshirt.
	I got a hat.
	I bought a pair of flip-flops.
	Like, I sold flip-flops, these, these flip-flops fully loaded, my own flip-flop.
	But then I thought, fuck, I need, technically, I'm asking people to show up barefoot and buy my flip-flops there.
	And if I don't have their size, they're kind of fucked.
	Yeah, and it's dangerous too to cross the street barefoot or to be in a parking garage.
	It's the truth, man.
	So, but yeah, I look at, I can't shut my brain off when it comes to touring.
	I think of so many aspects about how to make it a better experience.
	But that pre-sale thing, your fans need to know because that's the coolest thing as a fan of someone.
	And you need to remember that as an artist and go like, yeah, let me get tickets in a group.
	Let me bring people that I want to be with.
	Let me make it a best.
	It's the best.
	It's the best.
	Like, okay, who's your favorite artist?
	Morgan Whalen, right?
	Yeah.
	Morgan Whalen's pretty fucking badass, right?
	So, yeah, whatever, yeah.
	And so, so if you, so you get 10 tickets to take your 10 favorite people around the world, who would you go with?
	I'd probably take my sister, you know, because she wants to go.
	Now, remember, so that's your first invite.
	So you're catering around that because this is your night.
	So you got to make sure everyone meshes.
	Keep going.
	And she gets bent up, too, and she'll start dancing like.
	Oh, and it's really, she's a mother too, but she'll literally put her arm on the wall and just shake her ass for like an owl.
	I think I'm going to like this.
	Keep going.
	Keep going.
	Who else?
	I'd probably get my other sister to come and bring maybe her son.
	So that would be good.
	I'd probably ask, I would maybe ask Baker Mayfield.
	I saw Morgan Wallen with him before, him and his wife.
	So they like Morgan Wallin.
	So this is a great group already.
	You got family, you got friends, and you got a celebrity friend.
	Yeah, and Baker had some buddies that are cool that love it too.
	So I'd just say it up in a text to them.
	I would say, bring a couple of your boys, the same people from last time.
	Fun.
	So now Baker feels really comfortable.
	Your sisters are excited.
	They're getting to meet Baker Mayfield.
	Their brother's a big celebrity.
	And they got two Baker's friends that are regular dudes that are talking to your sisters and being real.
	I love this night.
	Keep going.
	Tell me there's an invite for me and Leanne.
	We'll be the last ones.
	Leanne would get an invite.
	If she can bring a plus one.
	That's me.
	I'm seeing Morgan whaling.
	I think it's a good night.
	This is a fucking meeting Baker Mayfield.
	I'm getting fucked up with your sisters.
	His buddies brought weed.
	I can't fucking wait.
	Hey, bring the pastor from the Hillsong group.
	All right.
	Carl's in.
	Carl's in it with Bieber.
	We got Bieber.
	Carl, your sisters.
	Baker, his boys, his chick, my chick.
	You, we need a girl for you.
	Ooh, that is the biggest question of all.
	Who's it going to be?
	I would say.
	Can I soft-pitch you?
	Yeah.
	Celebrity invite.
	A girl you've seen from afar who you respect.
	Maybe she's an actress, maybe she's a singer-songwriter.
	And it's a reach-out.
	Hey, this is the text.
	Hey, me and my buddy Burke are taking my sisters, his wife, my buddy Baker Mayfield, his buddies, to go see Morgan Williams.
	I would love you to come as my puzzle.
	Who is she?
	She's going to hear this.
	Who is she going to hear this?
	She's going to hear this.
	I don't know who she is.
	Let's see.
	Let's see.
	Okay.
	I'll tell you the ones that are undeniable to me.
	Charlie's the wrong.
	Okay.
	Jennifer Hanniston.
	Okay.
	She's been with too many guys for me.
	Okay.
	Noted.
	What about the girl from Ozarks?
	Ooh, yeah.
	She'll be cool.
	Pull up.
	You don't like me.
	You're going to have to fucking kill me.
	And that's how our night ends.
	And that's how our night ends.
	If you want to stop me, you're going to have to fucking kill me.
	She's fired, dude.
	Yeah, that's a fun fucking name.
	She is cute.
	And she is a great actress.
	Yeah, she is.
	How old is she?
	Let's make sure she's clearable.
	How old is she?
	We've had issues in our universe.
	Okay, let's make sure.
	Ruth Langmore.
	Is that a real name?
	Oh, that sounds like a dateable name as well.
	Yeah, I like Ruth Langmore.
	I think would be nice to be able to do it.
	She would be fun.
	She would be.
	By the way, my friend.
	Look, we could get her drunk and be like, say the line again.
	Say the line again.
	And we're in a fucking sprinter, man.
	Baker's got his shirt off, and he's like, let's fucking go.
	She's like, your sister's gonna hit him on the wall.
	He's moving really fast.
	Look at him's drunk.
	She's playing with my dick in the back.
	What are you talking about?
	Let's burp that worm.
	Morgan, come that way.
	Morgan, let's go.
	We got the liveest group ever coming to see you, man.
	We're going backstage.
	Oh, we're going to be backstage.
	And you know him.
	Oh, we're going to be backstage.
	Dude, somebody can blow him.
	I'll do it.
	Pooking ice cream on that dick.
	Oh, damn, bro.
	Nice cold dicks.
	Yeah, bro.
	No warm dicks, bro.
	Someone clipped this out and he's going, huh?
	You got to watch the whole podcast, man.
	Yeah, man.
	I think you're missing something.
	Oh, man.
	And what's great is we wake up hungover as fuck.
	Carl Lentz comes in.
	He's like, hey, guys, how's everyone feeling?
	We're like, ooh.
	A little rough.
	And he's like, hey, why don't we all bring it in?
	Let's hold hands.
	Yeah.
	And we're like, he's like, dear Lord, we had a great night last night.
	Lord, I want you to look at everyone right now and fill them with your love.
	Fill them with your respect, your honor.
	And I want you to take them from the place they are and lift them up to where they should be for the rest of the day.
	Lord, I am Carl.
	I got a direct communication line with you.
	Do what you did for Bieber, for them, and let them have a great day.
	Who wants waffles?
	Yeah.
	I'm going to go get fucking waffles.
	God waffles, dude.
	God waffles.
	I love that.
	Man, we had quite a time.
	Can I just say this might be the best podcast I've ever been on?
	This is the funnest time I've had in a long fucking time.
	Oh, thanks, man.
	Dude, you're the best.
	You're the best.
	I'm so, I love watching you.
	You're so funny.
	You're so fucking talented, man.
	And you're just an inspiration for so many of us out there, like, just to try to step up our level podcasting and to try to step up our level stand up.
	You're so fucking talented, buddy.
	I'm so glad to have you as a friend.
	Oh, thank you, dude.
	Well, you're an inspired, you're, you're an inspiring guy.
	You bring good energy, man.
	And yeah, you just don't, you just keep going, bro.
	And that's a big part of life, man.
	It really is, you know?
	Sometimes if you don't let the bullshit catch up with you, because some of us stop there and wait and fucking sit for it.
	Yeah.
	You know, and that's, and it'll meet you there.
	That's a good analogy.
	You need to treat the what, you need to treat the bad shit the way horses treat shit.
	Just comes out their ass and they keep walking.
	Yeah, they keep proving it.
	It's like, that's not my problem.
	I don't know who you're talking about.
	Someone else is getting that for me.
	Ladies and gentlemen, Burt Chrysler, you can check out the Birdie Boy Relapse Tour.
	Yep.
	We're hitting Alaska December 15th, going all through Texas, all through Lafayette, near your hometown.
	There you go.
	Yeah, I'm in Vancouver, Victoria, this weekend.
	When's this come out?
	That comes out next week.
	Next week.
	Next week.
	Next week, this week.
	Red Rock sold out.
	Cajun Dome and Lafayette, Corpus Christi, love it.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	So got a bunch of dates.
	And like I said, Alaska and Secret Time, I'll be in Europe.
	Dude, I'm so proud of you and amazed.
	And I love the idea of betting on yourself, betting up that moment where you're like, you know what?
	I'm going to do Red Rock.
	And now you're doing it again.
	Doing it again.
	It sold out quicker.
	I'll do it again next year, too.
	I love it.
	Red Rock is one of the coolest places I've ever performed in my life.
	Look, Sebastian has Madison Square Garden.
	That makes sense that that's his mecca.
	Yeah.
	You know, for me, Red Rocks is like, it's like we're staying the next night to watch Wilco.
	Wilco is one of my favorite bands in the world.
	I can't wait to go to Wilco with Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, my wife.
	I did the same thing I did for dude.
	I got a whole set of cabins, like 12 cabins for everyone on a river in Evergreen, Colorado.
	I got everyone cabins.
	I got us all coming in.
	Sprinter vans there.
	Sprinter vans to our show.
	IVs in the morning.
	Sprinter vans back.
	Big party.
	Next morning, IVs, Sprinter van to Wilco.
	Everyone merches it out.
	We're going to meet Jeff Tweety.
	Hopefully, hopefully.
	I can talk to Jeff Tweedy the same way I talk to you about pre-sale because I think Jeff Tweety's leaving some money on the floor.
	Anyway, but yeah, I can't wait, man.
	It's the fucking best.
	And I'm bringing my trainer.
	We're going to work out hard every morning.
	I can't fucking wait.
	Then we fly out.
	We fly out from Red Rocks private to Lafayette to do the Cajun Dome.
	I'm fucking pumped, dude.
	This is what, man, I'm just, I love it.
	You're living your dream.
	I mean, you're, you're not only are you living your dream, but you're choosing to live your dream.
	You're like, I'm going to not only be here alive in my dream, but I'm going to live my dream.
	Yeah.
	And that's another way of thinking, man.
	Thank you, brother.
	Yeah, thank you, buddy.
	Now, I'm just falling on the breeze.
	And I feel I'm falling like these bees.
	I must be called the stone.
	But when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
	I can feel it in my bones.
	But it's gonna take a little...
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Aye, Suiar.
	Easy deal.
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	Jermaine.
	Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	Oh, no!
	Wow!
	I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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