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Feb. 1, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:44:45

E378 Chris Distefano

Chris Distefano is a comedian and podcaster from New York who is co-host of Hey Babe with Sal Vulcano, and the host of Chrissy Chaos. Chris is currently touring the US with his "Chrissy Theaters Everyone Tour". Chris Distefano returns to the podcast to discuss love, meeting the mother of his children, his Amazon jewelry game, and pizza punishments. Find Chris Distefano: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ ------------------------------------------------- Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: HOP WTR: Go to https://hopwtr.com/ to get 20% off your first purchase with promo code THEO. Ship Station: Go to https://www.shipstation.com/ to get a 60 day free trial with offer code THEO. Peloton: Visit https://www.onepeloton.com/ to learn more. Modiphy: Go to https://www.modiphy.com/theo to get 50% off your starting cost. Bridge Credit Solutions: Schedule your free credit audit today at https://www.bridgecreditsolutions.com/THEO. ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" - Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------- Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 525 Royal Pkwy PO Box 292634 Nashville, TN 37229 ------------------------------------------------- Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------- Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner ------------------------------------------------- See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	Use my promo code Theo to get 20% off.
	I want to let you know next week I'll be back on a regular solo episode, and I'm looking forward to that.
	So I will see you then.
	We could just do a little bit of mono-e-mano or mono-e-wumano as well.
	We'll include everybody.
	This week, February 2nd, I'm in Jacksonville, Florida.
	And February 3rd, I'm in St. Petersburg, Florida, America.
	February 5th, I'll be in Orlando.
	That's this week.
	So you can grab those tickets, theovon.com slash tour.
	I'm also in Tampa, and then I'll be in Lafayette, Indiana.
	That's sold out.
	225, I'll be in Rockford, Illinois.
	That's February 25th.
	February 26th in Chicago at the Chicago Theater.
	Very excited.
	And yeah, Rockford, Illinois, home of the Rockford Peaches, a feminine baseball group that did it all, almost won it all.
	I think they won it.
	Theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R for tickets.
	Don't get tickets from any third-party sites.
	Only go through theovon.com slash tour.
	If you're paying a ridiculous amount of money for a ticket, it's probably because it's some aftermarket site, some peddler, grifter.
	We also have the new I'm Upstairs collection available in hoodies, long sleeves, and tees.
	I wore my black hoodie yesterday that says it.
	I'm upstairs.
	And the Be Good to Yourself collection as well, always available.
	Go to theovonstore.com.
	Thank you guys so much for your support, coming to see the shows and any merchandise or anything.
	I love you.
	Today's episode is being taped at Howie Mandel's studio out here in California.
	So we're taping it here and we're grateful to Howie Mandel for that.
	Thank you.
	Today's guest is a friend of mine.
	He's a deer man.
	And I don't mean he's a hunter or anything.
	I mean he's just a deer man.
	And he's one half of the podcasting duo, Hey Babe, that he hosts with Sal Volcano.
	And he is a full, both halves of his solo podcast, Chris C Chaos, that you can check out.
	He is currently touring in cities on his Chrissy Theaters Everywhere tour, the CTE tour.
	Tickets are available at Chris D Comedy.
	He and I have a long history of podcasting together.
	This one's right in time for Valentine's Day, man.
	We're going to talk about love.
	And I'm grateful that he's here.
	my friend, Mr. Chris DeStefano.
	For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.
	Shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you my stories.
	Shine on me.
	And I will find a song I've been singing just so I've been moving way too long So, you know.
	But Chrissy D, you know what I mean?
	Motherfucker, Chrissy D, you know what I mean?
	Like, look at that.
	You're not wearing bracelets like that unless you're doing something.
	You know what I mean?
	Which is that?
	Is that Bloomandale's?
	Where'd you get it?
	Got that at Amazon, but you know what I mean?
	Wow.
	And what carrot is that?
	Is that 30?
	Might be 30. That's a good amount.
	Yes, sir.
	And I got a chain.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah, I got a chain, too.
	Cuban link bracelet.
	You know what I mean?
	I'm just saying, like, that's, you know, you're adding shows at a funny bone with that.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Oh, look.
	And you're married still to your wife, right?
	Yes.
	Well, we're not married, but we have children.
	So we're married in the eyes of God.
	And did you know when you were going to be in love?
	Like, did you know?
	Like, when you take me to it for real and be honest with me, because I've been thinking a lot about love and like, how do I get, you know, being just jumping in and be like, I'm in love, you know, and like, like, I don't have a girlfriend or anything right now, but it's like.
	Really?
	Yeah, but I've been thinking about.
	It's tough to be single with a jacket like that because you're, I'm soaked.
	Thanks, man.
	You look good in it, man.
	I think it's one of those like Andre Agassiz collection things.
	No, it's fucking, it's, it's Money in the Bank jacket.
	I just, I really like the jacket.
	Thanks.
	I actually saw a man with it who did skydiving is the first time that I ever saw it.
	Yeah, it looks like something like Whitney Houston would wear, but I love Whitney Houston.
	Really?
	Yes.
	Whitney Houston is my number one phone.
	I was watching the Whitney Houston documentary on the plane coming out here.
	Oh, you go fully crying in Delta Economy.
	Ooh.
	I've told you, bro.
	I'm adding shows at Funny Bones.
	Yeah.
	Oh, that's good, dude.
	Do you, what were we talking about?
	You were asking me about love and you want to find.
	Did you know?
	Did you know?
	Okay.
	I'm going to be 100% honest with you.
	All right.
	This is for real.
	In 2014, when I met.
	Okay, hold on.
	What was the climate of the world in 2014?
	2014.
	We were kind of getting along pretty fast.
	We were getting along.
	We had Obama as president.
	There were real no problems on the horizon.
	China was starting to act up a little bit.
	You're starting to hear, you know, China was always like, watch them a little bit.
	But we really didn't have the problems we have right now.
	You know, we were two years away from being saved by Trump, and now we're back in the bullshit.
	But so it was kind of like a little bit of a glory days, but I was single.
	I had been single for six months.
	Had you been dating kind of vigorously?
	Had you been doing sex a lot?
	Had you been.
	Again, just being completely 100% vulnerable and honest from the time from January of 2014 until August of 2014.
	Yes.
	I contracted chlamydia so many times that my primary care doctor gave me my own prescription of azithromycin, which is what cures chlamydia, almost like a male birth control.
	He's like, anytime it just hurts a little bit to pee, just take this.
	He said, because I can't stop you.
	He said, and it's amazing you don't have herpes, AIDS, or syphilis, but you got chlamydia.
	Like I've never gotten COVID once.
	You were really.
	But I get chlamydia.
	Like chlamydia is like, you know what I mean?
	Yeah, you were.
	Yeah, you were.
	And so he was.
	Scoring chlamydia.
	Yes.
	The jam or animal.
	Yeah, he would, I would pee in a company would go like that, like it was a hot potato because my urine was 100 degrees.
	You know what I mean?
	So, so yeah, yeah.
	This thing looks a little booyah bassy.
	That's when it's bad, boy.
	I remember one time.
	When you got that chicken noodle piss.
	Yeah, chicken noodle piss with chlamydi on the side.
	So I remember one time I gave him a cup of my urine and I said, is it bad?
	And he goes, feel it.
	He goes, feel it.
	What do you think?
	And I was like, it's a little warm.
	He goes, yeah, it's not supposed to be like that.
	Wow.
	I was like, yeah.
	He went, so, okay, so get to August 17th.
	20 serving hot.
	So let me tell you something.
	And listen, at that time, you know, I was, you know, there was a lot of beautiful women.
	I was recently single.
	I, you know, I was out there in the world with comedy and I was hooking up with beautiful women and having a good time.
	I had a beautiful apartment in Long Island City, New York.
	I had a view of the city.
	I was really, really like being free and single for the first time in my life.
	Were you on the apps or were you just meeting women at shows?
	Just meeting women at shows on Instagram.
	I never did any of those apps.
	Wow.
	Never once.
	I like it.
	I did riding.
	I was Native American, basically, of dating.
	I was Native American.
	I was hunting buffalo.
	And some of them were buffalo.
	But I don't discriminate.
	You know what I mean?
	You got some gazelles, some buffaloes.
	It depends.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	I've been with some wounded antelope.
	You know what I'm saying?
	100%.
	I had sex with a woman who was on dialysis.
	Oh, wow.
	Is that good for them?
	That's good.
	Well, she'd be dead without it.
	She was in her mid-40s on dialysis.
	She was actually a friend of my father's, and they met at dialysis, and I wound up having sex with her.
	It wasn't a proud moment, but I did.
	And because I was just in that time in 2014, I was just there.
	I was finding women that felt empty like me, that were having sex.
	I don't fuck anybody out of an urgent care or nothing.
	You won't do it?
	No.
	Yeah.
	I don't do it, man.
	My sister works at them.
	I've seen some behind the scenes.
	I'm not doing that shit.
	Yeah.
	No, I guess.
	Yeah, somebody's rolling out of an urgent care.
	I'm not fucking clear.
	I know.
	Having sex with a woman on dialysis was, I don't want to say it was a low point, but you know, I mean, it was it was dangerous because, you know, she was had blurred vision and shit.
	And I was like, you know, I don't even know if she's really strong.
	You know, you want it.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah.
	I want a falcon.
	Yeah.
	So, so, so August of 2014, this series.
	Take me there.
	August of 2004.
	I'm sorry, July of 2014.
	It was July 6th.
	Okay.
	My boy Pat Finnegan, Patty Flyball.
	Shout out.
	He just fell down the stairs yesterday and had a laceration on his chin.
	He tripped over his dog leash.
	So shout out him.
	He's lost consciousness.
	Yeah.
	So we went to a place in Brooklyn.
	It was called Place to Beach in Coney Island, Brooklyn.
	Okay.
	And did you say in volleyball?
	They haven't san volleyball.
	And this is a place in Brooklyn where this isn't like gentrified, woke Brooklyn.
	This was like where native New Yorkers are going.
	Okay.
	You know, you had the Puerto Ricans and the Italians going out there.
	It's Coney Island.
	Coney Island is like, it's not gentrified, man.
	That's real New York City.
	You got to be from New York to even know where these spots are at.
	That was one of those spots.
	I wasn't looking for anything.
	I wasn't looking for, I was just, I was out there maybe going to.
	Why'd you go that day?
	Because Pat Finnegan had told me, he's like, yo, my sister's there with her friends.
	Oh, yeah.
	So let's go meet my sister's friends because your sister's a beautiful girl.
	And we were like, okay, yeah, we'll go.
	We'll have fun.
	Drink.
	I had a show at the Creek in the Cave, R.I.P.
	The Creek in the Cave.
	It was in Queens, New York at the time.
	I was supposed to have a show at the Creek in the Cave at 8 o'clock.
	I said, let's go to that place at 5. We'll do it.
	We'll have a couple of drinks.
	I was drinking strawberry vodka.
	I was drinking strawberry vodkas.
	And I said, let's get drunk.
	We'll drive my Jeep Grand Cherokee out there.
	And then, you know, we'll take the bus to the creek if we can't drive.
	I got a Grand Cherokee.
	See?
	Similarities.
	So, and we both got 80s jackets on.
	It's nice, dude.
	And I got that bracelet.
	I don't have it.
	So we're in there.
	And again, not looking for anything.
	And again, I was at the point, you know, a lot of beautiful women.
	Were you feeling hopeful?
	I was feeling, I was feeling, I remember I was feeling good.
	I felt I was wearing the right shorts and the right shirt that I felt like I was in better shape than I actually was.
	I felt tight, even though I probably had eaten pizza and carbs, but I felt tight and good.
	Yeah, I love that when your shirt does that for you.
	Because, you know, like right now, I don't feel good.
	I feel fat.
	I feel bloated.
	I'm just trying to cover it up because I don't feel good, man, because I had a muffin this morning.
	So I had two muffins this morning, actually, and a jalapeno cheese bagel.
	And I had cold oatmeal on the plane.
	What can you do?
	I'm Chrissy Carbs.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I went in.
	I probably had 4,000 calories.
	It's barely 3 o'clock.
	Damn, dude.
	And it's barely, it's not even February yet.
	I know, dude.
	So I eat.
	Like, my drug is I eat too much.
	And, you know, but what can I do?
	So you're on strawberry vodkas.
	You have a nice fit on.
	You're there.
	And are y'all doing activities?
	What are you doing?
	No, so we're in the bar, literally just listening to, you know, the house music, you know, trying to talk to girls, dancing, just being stupid.
	And I go to take a piss.
	They had a port-a-potty there.
	Oh, yeah.
	So I go to take a piss.
	I like a porta potty dude because it's almost like you feel brave when you even go piss.
	You're not like Magellan, but you're like, I'm going to try.
	You know what I'm saying?
	I'm doing something different.
	And the port-a-potty is the only time In my life before COVID, that anytime I use a porta potty, I would look to wash my hands or pureel because 100% of the time, even if I dutied, I would never wash my hands before COVID.
	I was like, I don't need to wash my hands unless I was in a port-a-potty.
	So, with the port-a-potty, the hard part is getting the door open.
	You almost got to kick it with your foot and let it bounce a little and then catch it with your foot.
	Yeah, you got to do something.
	You got to act like you don't have even have hands, like you just got nubs.
	So I'm there.
	I peeked.
	I come out.
	I come out.
	You know, I met a guy.
	I used to be a physical therapist.
	I had a patient, I should say, that was just a torso.
	Let's still say a, is it called a patient with your physical therapist?
	Yes, no, they would call us patients.
	And we technically have doctorate degrees.
	I mean, I have a doctorate degree.
	I would never call myself doctor.
	Some of my classmates did, and that's bullshit.
	But they were called patients.
	And I met who was a torso.
	Just a torso.
	He had no arms, no legs.
	And he was ever married.
	Does he speak at churches?
	No, no, no, no.
	No, I think he's no longer with us, but he was just a full torso.
	Oh, wow.
	And it was crazy to see, but he would maneuver it like he would get shit done, just rolling around stirring him earny.
	Yeah, he was just, it was wild, dude.
	He was crazy.
	And does he have a spine or not, or just like a rib cage?
	No, he had a full head, spine, everything, but he was just, just, think about like a mannequin.
	Okay.
	No arms, no legs.
	Just think about it.
	Hold on, hold on.
	You're talking so fast.
	It's hard for me to know.
	Sorry.
	Well, it's because of Celsius.
	Sorry.
	I'm sorry.
	So thinking about a mannequin.
	All right.
	And what else?
	No arms, no legs.
	All right.
	Head, brain, spine.
	Okay.
	Tattoo on his rib cage.
	Ooh, wow.
	Yeah.
	Didn't see that coming.
	Yep.
	And he was having, I think it was shoulder issues because neck, neck, shoulder, because it's just his neck.
	Yeah.
	And he was born that way, by the way.
	He wasn't in an accident.
	And this is true.
	I could probably prove it to you.
	He was also a hermaphrodite.
	Oh, wow.
	So he was blind in one eye.
	I'm not making any of this up.
	I can't say his name because that's against HIPAA.
	But he's the patient.
	If anyone who worked with me at NYU in summer, spring or whatever it was of 2010, you know exactly who I'm talking about.
	Damn.
	Yeah.
	Well, that's probably not a lot of it.
	And that's, you know, you got big fans.
	I mean, people I work with.
	Big fans of yours.
	Absolutely.
	So with that being said, I'm there.
	It's July 6th of 2014.
	Okay.
	I see who's going to eventually become the mother of my two beautiful children.
	Wow.
	And so when I saw her, dude, I'm never forget.
	I saw her was drinking a strawberry vodka, having fun.
	I was probably on an app looking for dominoes pizza.
	I'm always, anytime I drink, even though New York City has the best Italian food, every time I drink, I always want Pizza Hunt and Domino's.
	I think it's just pain.
	It's just a cycle of pain.
	It's like I want to look in the mirror and be like, you fucking suck.
	You eat that dominoes, bitch.
	Oh, yeah.
	Something like that.
	Like BDSM?
	Yeah, it's like a suicidal thing, you know?
	Yeah, like Italian BDSM.
	Yes, yes.
	So I say I see her.
	I see her.
	And she's like dancing.
	And it was one of those things where it was like, almost like in a movie where I was like, like, truthfully, I was like, my heart like stopped.
	Like, I was like, like, it's the only time I ever felt that in my life where I looked at her and I was like, oh my God.
	Like, like the beauty was like, like floored.
	And again, like I said, I was, I, I said everything before.
	I had, you know, we're talking to beautiful women and Ben.
	So she was beautiful.
	Like, you know, there were other girls, but there was something different about her.
	And I said to my boy, Patty, Patty Flyballs, who whenever he was chewing on a straw, and I said to him, I do that.
	Yeah.
	I said to him, I said, I said, dude, look at how beautiful that woman is.
	And he was like, I know she's amazing.
	And I was like, he agreed.
	He agreed.
	And I was like, I said, that, I said, I said, that literally is the hottest girl I've ever seen in my life.
	I was like, I can't even think right now.
	And he was like, bro.
	And he was like, bro, relax.
	What'd you do then?
	You left?
	No.
	So he goes, he goes, dude, yeah, she's a smoking hot Puerto Rican chick.
	Like, I get it.
	And I said, I got to go up and talk to her.
	I said, I literally was like inside of me.
	I was like, if I do not talk to her, like, this is going to bother me for the rest of my fucking life.
	Like, I'm never going to forget this woman.
	So I go up to her and I say, listen, I said, you know, I saw you from across the street.
	Was the music loud?
	Was it hard to get her attention?
	That part I don't remember because I was enamored because you know what's amazing about her?
	She was so beautiful and obviously is so beautiful.
	But the thing is, when I focus on it, she has a chipped tooth.
	So I was looking at her chipped tooth because I was like, wow, you know, you're like from afar, like you don't notice you have a chip tooth.
	But then when I get closer, it's almost like the chipped tooth, it even made it more beautiful because it's like it's unique.
	It's almost like a, like a hot chick with a scar.
	You know what I mean?
	Like I was like, I like this.
	This is unique.
	Like you got to buy a vowel or something.
	Yeah.
	Like one of the most beautiful women I've ever met besides her has no pinkies.
	And I was like, and she's a smokeshow, but she's got no pinkies and she hides them.
	But she's, you don't meet people that don't have pinkies.
	Yeah.
	And she doesn't have them.
	But she's gorgeous.
	Wow.
	It's almost like a sloth almost.
	Yes.
	Dude, I'll tell you this.
	First girl I ever kissed had a chipped tooth.
	Yep.
	Yep.
	And they made us kiss.
	We were in love, man.
	I don't know if we were in love, but we lived near each other.
	Well, sometimes that's all it takes.
	That's what being in love was and being married was in ancient times.
	You just knew the people in your village.
	That's why this whole concept of a soulmate, there's 9 billion people in this world, and we're all connected through Mark Zuckerberg, the god.
	So it's like this whole idea of a soulmate and a one and only, that's ancient tribe bullshit.
	This is not new world thinking because we're all connected, man.
	You knew about 15 people back in the day.
	So, you know what I mean?
	So with her, with Jasmine, I walked up to her and I said, I said, I can't stop looking at you.
	Wow.
	I said, do you have a boyfriend?
	You went full psychopath with the first one.
	I can't stop looking at you.
	Yeah.
	I might have been whispered it.
	You should have had somebody write it on your back on a marker and just pull your shirt up.
	Yeah, I went full psycho.
	Wow.
	Because I was just so...
	That's what I'm telling you.
	That's love.
	Yeah.
	And I said to her, I said, is there any way I could just buy you a drink?
	And she said, you could, but my boyfriend is here.
	So then I was like, whoa, because I got a rule, man.
	If you got a boyfriend, I don't mess with that.
	Or a husband, like, I Don't, I think that's bad karma.
	I would never want that.
	I don't mess with that.
	Like, there's plenty of fish in the sea.
	But something about her, I was like, I almost feel like it doesn't matter.
	Like, I don't care that, you know, like, I almost have to be like, I don't care at all that you have a boyfriend.
	Yeah.
	I have to take a chance.
	Even if this guy kills me, because I'm sure, based off what you look like, you probably have like some Guido, like convict, murderer, Brooklyn Italian boyfriend, which I was right.
	Volleyball playing too.
	Yep.
	My stepdad found out that some lady was getting married that he used to have a huge crush on.
	And he went over.
	He was at a bar or something that night.
	He found out she's got engaged and he drove over to the house and went up on her porch, like in the middle of the night and said, look, I got all these feelings for you and blah, blah, blah.
	And she didn't care.
	And while he was up there, somebody burned his car in the fucking street and set his car on fire.
	So he was there and literally his car is burning, which is a horrible look if you're trying to tell somebody like that you're the guy for them.
	You know, it's just like.
	And then you come back with a bicycle.
	You're not the guy.
	Yeah, no way, dude.
	You're not the guy.
	You're not your car set on fire.
	Yeah, I don't know what happened.
	Either he just left a cigarette in the dash or something happened, you know.
	But online shopping isn't slowing down anytime soon.
	That's right.
	It's here to stay.
	Fortunately or unfortunately, I kind of miss the old days, but the old days are just that.
	Is your business ready to keep up the pace with new, you know, with the updated online shopping?
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	You know, it's tough to keep things fresh.
	You know, especially to keep your body fresh.
	Dang, that's hard.
	Get that fresh body.
	You show up, you look like you've been in the CRISPR drawer in your refrigerator.
	People say, damn, boy.
	You're looking real lettucey.
	You're looking real perfectly kemped.
	Fitness will keep you fresh.
	And who can do it?
	I'll tell you who can do it is Peloton.
	They're helping out.
	They've got a lot of fresh ideas over there.
	They got boxing now.
	They've got new music selections.
	They've got more daily workout variety.
	That's right.
	Peloton is not just the Peloton bike and Peloton Bike Plus.
	Though those are great.
	They got new classes now, new music, new ways to keep your workouts fun and motivating.
	They have boxing.
	Even if you've never boxed, you don't fight if you never fought anybody after school, if you never fought your wife or stepmother or husband.
	These classes will have you working up a sweat, working on the fundamentals of the form and the footwork.
	New artist music selection collabs.
	They've got it from hip-hop to rock and roll to E-D-M.
	That's right.
	Peloton is a workout for every day and every schedule.
	All types.
	Check them out.
	Bike workouts, yoga, meditation, dance, cardio, and more.
	Go to onepeloton.com.
	That's O-N-E-P-E-L-O-T-O-N.com.
	So, so, you know, she says, I got a boyfriend.
	And I said, I can't, I won't be deterred, not on this one.
	So I said, you know what?
	I'm just going to have to stick around and fight this out.
	And for like an hour, I would, you know, kept drinking.
	And I was just like, you know what, man?
	Like, I got to, and I know she was talking to the bartender.
	And so the bartender turned out to be one of her close friends, still is one of her close friends.
	And so I said to the bartender, I said, what is it going to take for me?
	What is it going to take for me to get this, your friend to like look at me and notice me?
	I was like, does she really have a boyfriend?
	And she was like, I can't answer that.
	And I was like, oh, so they're playing games.
	She did not have a boyfriend.
	What's it called?
	Misdirect?
	No, I think it's called like a turn of events.
	A turn of events.
	So she says, I can't.
	I can't answer that.
	I said, well, what's it going to take?
	And she was like, she loves dancing.
	She was like, and she's Puerto Rican.
	Like, you got to come up with some type of.
	Yeah, they love dancing.
	Like, you got to dance.
	Like, do you know how to do pachata?
	And I said, I'm going to try.
	So I googled pachata and I told them, I told, because she had the music, you know, she's a bartender.
	I said, let me go, let me, let me look at some shit.
	Let me YouTube a couple of times.
	Let me YouTube some stuff.
	And so I said, and my boy was like, yo, dude, remember that scene in Along Came Polly when Ben Stiller started dancing Spanish?
	And that's how he got his woman.
	So we watched that scene and I played that song from that movie.
	Yes.
	So I played that song and I'm like, I'm just going to come up to her and dance with her.
	God, bro, this is freaking getting good.
	Yeah, dude.
	So she said, so the bartender was like, I'm going to play that song for you and you come up with those dance movies.
	Were you scared?
	Yeah, bro.
	I was mad.
	Did you go outside and warm up or do you just warm up right?
	I was drinking, so I was like having fun with it.
	You know, I was like, whatever, dude, this is going to be great.
	Yeah.
	And you've got nothing to lose because you're sitting there with the drinking with an Irish man.
	Yeah, dude.
	A couple of Irish men, actually.
	Yeah.
	So I start, so they play that song.
	Nothing's further from them being happily married than sitting somewhere with two Irish dudes drinking, bro.
	Yeah, dude.
	That is the complete opposite of it.
	Yeah.
	So, so, oh, dude, and two Irish men listening to the Mets games with the headphones on.
	Like, you know, like they were watching the Mets game.
	They were trying to get the Mets score.
	Yeah.
	And, and, and so I just did that.
	I did that dance, played that song.
	She kind of giggled and she goes, that was a nice attempt.
	She goes, that was a nice attempt.
	And she goes, how about this?
	I'll tell you my name.
	So she tells me her name.
	And I was like, okay.
	she goes, And then what I almost it almost was like it was a setup, but I swear to God, it wasn't.
	I had been on a show on MTV called Guy Code and Girl Code, which is relatively still popular.
	Yeah, I told her Jessime and the other Carly and Andrew Schultz and all those guys, guys and girls.
	So I somebody came up to me and wanted a picture with me from that show.
	And then she was like, why do they want a picture with you?
	And I was like, oh, I'm on a show on MTV.
	And she was like, how old are you?
	I was like, 30. And she was like, you still aren't watching MTV?
	And I was like, no, I'm not watching it.
	I'm just on the show.
	Yeah, yeah.
	That's just a, that's just, that's fine, man.
	You're not a bad guy.
	That's just a business choice.
	I was like, I was like, you know, I needed, I'm just, I'm working.
	Yeah, I'm working.
	She said that, the Puerto Rican game?
	Yeah, she said that to me.
	She was like, what do you want?
	And so I said, why do they trust a lot of television?
	Puerto Ricans are more, they're more real life.
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	Like if I was working at a gas station or something like that, she'd be more like, this is my kind of guy.
	But so she was like, okay.
	And then she said, she said, what's the show?
	And I told her, and she goes, all right, maybe I'll look it up one day.
	And I was like, okay.
	That could take forever, dude.
	She's so vague.
	We only have a lifetime.
	I know, dude.
	So then she goes, so then she goes, she was like fucking with me.
	So she goes, she goes, all right.
	She goes, hold on.
	She goes, I'm leaving.
	She goes, I got to get home.
	She goes, I got to get home to my son.
	So that was, so when she said that, dropped the S bomb on it.
	She dropped the S bomb.
	So in my heart, my heart.
	I said, get home to my chlamydia.
	I said, I said, if you get, I said, because already then I said, okay, I said, well, the first thing I said, I said, is that you have a son with your boyfriend?
	She goes, no.
	And I said, so is the, is the son's father around?
	I said, is he, is he deceased?
	And she was like, why would you want him to be deceased?
	I was like, I don't.
	I was just, I was just hoping that he was so I could step in and be a stepdad.
	Like, I just said that immediately.
	And she was like, you're like crazy.
	And I was like, yeah.
	And she was like, and she was like, he's still in the picture.
	I was like, okay.
	So, but when she said that to me, I already felt inferior to him.
	So I said to myself in my heart and head at that moment, I said, the first time I have sex with this woman, I'm not pulling out.
	I need to get her pregnant too to even the playing field.
	That's how nuts I was.
	But you went full Puerto Rican.
	And that's eventually what I did.
	FYI.
	No way.
	I met her in August of 2014.
	We conceived July of 2014.
	My daughter, Delilah, was conceived in August.
	I have a six and a half two years old.
	2014?
	Yeah, dude.
	Wow.
	My daughter was born in May of 2015.
	Wow.
	So, so.
	So you purposely impregnated her.
	1,000%.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	Because I felt so inferior to this guy I didn't even know.
	And I was like, this is the woman of my dreams.
	I'm going to play hardball.
	I need this.
	He's got one on the board.
	I'm going to get one on the board.
	I said, yeah, and now I got two on the board.
	Now I got a second kid.
	So now I'm like two to one, motherfucker.
	So it's psychotic.
	This is how I live my life.
	So I kind of like this.
	Yeah, dude.
	I went all in because everyone was like, you're crazy.
	And I was like.
	I feel like I'm in an Uber X with no breaks.
	Yeah, dude.
	I was like, yeah, maybe I am.
	So then finally, I'll never forget.
	I was at Minnesota at Target Field.
	I was at the MLB All-Star game watching the game, Derek Jeters, final MLB All-Star game.
	A huge Yankees fan.
	Oh, yeah.
	I get a message from an Instagram message from an account I wasn't sure of.
	And it was just a dog laying on the floor like this.
	It looked like a dead dog.
	So I was like, this is weird.
	This is wild.
	And then it said, this is me giving in.
	She said, this is me giving in.
	Wow.
	And she goes, and she gave me her phone number besides the last digit.
	She goes, so she was really, I mean, making me.
	Like that movie memento or whatever.
	Yes.
	She gave me the last digit.
	So I went through all the digits.
	I went through all of them and I just texted this number and I just kept trying that digit until five.
	Yeah.
	And most of them were like, who is this?
	Some of them were in other languages.
	Somebody sent me back Chinese symbols and then finally, I was like, could that be her?
	I was like, jazz?
	Yeah.
	So then finally I got the digit.
	The last digit was actually a zero.
	I started at one like an idiot.
	And then so zero, if I would have just started with zero and nailed it on the first try.
	So I finally got her.
	And she said, look, she broke down.
	She was like, I have a son.
	I'm not looking for anything serious.
	But, you know, she goes, you seem like a funny guy.
	She was like, I looked up your stuff.
	It's pretty funny.
	She was like, I was the guy that I was with, she was like, it was a casual, stupid thing.
	She was like, do you want to take me out?
	I'm, you know, I have to make arrangements for my son.
	I'm free, you know, next Saturday.
	Now, is there a lot of pressure?
	Because if somebody says they got a son, and then, because you're almost like, if you take somebody out that has a son, you've got to have a little bit more of a plan or like be real serious out there.
	Yeah, well, he was three at the time.
	And when I opened the door, when she opened the door for me, you could hear him?
	No, he showed up in his karate outfit.
	He had a karate outfit on with his orange belt with a headband on.
	And he's holding his head.
	That would be like hatred.
	Or why would he be dressed like that?
	He was holding a motto's apple juice, just looking at me.
	And why was he dressed like that?
	Because I think he just wanted to let me know that he knows karate if I mess with his mom.
	Fuck, that's crazy.
	Isn't that crazy?
	It's crazy, dude.
	And I've since, you know, he's my stepson now.
	He lives with me.
	So he, so he's, you know, Jasmine has since told me, like, yeah, he put that on when I told him, mommy's going to go out with a friend.
	And he was like, is that guy?
	And when she said yes, he put it on.
	Every time he smells apple juice, he just breaks a board in the living room.
	Yeah, and he still ice grills the shit out of me.
	Every time I give him his breakfast and stuff, you know, like, yeah, he's still like, dude, never forget, you ate my dad.
	So you took her out.
	Where'd you take her?
	So that's what happened.
	So I took her out.
	Because this is good for me, man, because I want to be in love, you know?
	So I want to know how, what do I do to get there?
	So what happened was, is I took her, I took her to, at that time, I was performing at a place called Maguire's Comedy Club at the end of Long Island.
	That's the Saturday.
	I said, listen, would you like to come to a comedy show?
	I picked her up.
	I had a Toyota Corolla, but it was a nice one.
	But it was a nice one, dude.
	It was like a 2014.
	Did you have a nice one?
	It was a 2014 automatic windows.
	A lot of them have the roll-ups, but I had automatic windows at the time and locks.
	Right when she's walking out of the car, do you do all four windows down?
	It's a show where they all do it?
	Yeah.
	Well, no, I got out of the car.
	I rang the bell like proper gentleman.
	I had a rose for her that I bought from the Chinese man on the corner.
	Yes.
	I had a rose for her.
	And she was like, that's sweet.
	And I was like, thanks.
	And then I told her, I was like, this isn't my real car.
	And she was like, where's your real car?
	I was like, it's up here.
	I was like, we're going to get my real car.
	Like, I was being honest, but I was like saying, like, this is a, just stay with me because I'm telling you, I'm going places, right?
	But I was like, we're in a Toyota now, but stay with me.
	I was like, and there's nobody at this show.
	But I was like, trust me, one day I'm going to have a gold bracelet.
	Did you really tell her all this?
	I swear to God, I was like, and she was like, you don't have to build yourself up.
	She was like, I think it's cool.
	You do comedy.
	I think it's brave.
	She was like, I don't care if you have a Toyota.
	Like, it's a nice guy.
	She was like, I have a son.
	Yeah.
	She was like, whatever.
	Yeah.
	She was like, I take the bus to work.
	She was like, I have a tattoo on my tit.
	Like, this is nice, you know?
	So I said, which is she has a butterfly tattoo on her tit.
	But I love that.
	So, so she said, so we go out there, we go to the show, and it was in like a shopping mall.
	That's tough.
	That's tough.
	And that's tough to bring a girl to a place that used to be like a radio shack or whatever where they do jiu-jitsu during the day.
	Yeah, it was bad.
	Yeah, it was next to a diner.
	So it was bad.
	But I had a pretty decent set for about 15 people in Bohemia, New York, in Suffolk County, Long Island.
	I had a pretty decent set.
	And I said, at the end of the set, I said, I want you guys to, I want to introduce you to my new girl.
	And I said, I said, let's bring up to the stage, Miss Jasmine.
	Yeah.
	And she couldn't believe that I did that.
	And she was in the back.
	Like, she was like, I'm not going on stage.
	I was like, I was like, baby, come on stage with me.
	I was like, I was like, come over here.
	Come on stage.
	Let's walk into the future.
	Yes.
	And then she walked up the stairs and people, you know, the guy was like, woo, like whistling at or whatever.
	And I was like.
	Who is that?
	Black guy?
	No, man.
	It's my crowd.
	No blacks.
	So it was Bohemia Long Island.
	You know, they can only go to a certain point on Long Island.
	Oh, really?
	Then you're urban after a certain...
	Yeah.
	I'm kidding, by the way.
	I have a very cultured diverse fan base.
	It's like a community college.
	It's the same.
	I was just wondering who would do the whistle.
	I'm trying to.
	No, Italian guys.
	It was Italian.
	Yeah, Italian guys will whistle.
	She's Puerto Rican, beautiful girl.
	Italian Sauce Brothers, basically.
	Yes, the Sauce Brothers.
	So I gave her a kiss right there on the lips, dude.
	A fucking tank.
	In front of everyone?
	Yeah, dude.
	I put the pressure on it.
	I'd be in prison for that today.
	You know, it was forced and all that.
	Yeah, but that was 2014.
	There were no rules back then.
	You know what I mean?
	It was still the wild, wild west.
	You can do whatever you want.
	It'd be a me too.
	100% me too.
	And maybe it still will come back to be.
	We'll see if she writes a book.
	So I kissed her and then we got back in the car.
	And I was like, was that crazy that I did that?
	She was like, it was, but she was like, I liked it.
	You're brave.
	And I was like, wow.
	So then I drove her back home.
	I drove her back home.
	And I said, listen, I said, I'm not going to come upstairs.
	And she was like, don't even fuck around with me.
	She's like, you're not coming upstairs.
	I was like, I just want to let you know I'm the one telling you I'm not that kind of guy.
	She was like, laugh or whatever.
	Wow.
	Then the second date, which was two days later, I took her to a Fat Joe concert.
	Yeah.
	Yes.
	Leave it back.
	Leave it back.
	And I had known Fat Joe because we were co-hosting a show for Major League Baseball at the time.
	So he brought me on stage and brought her backstage and, you know, Puerto Rican connection.
	Yeah, to Fat Joe's Puerto Rican and Jasmine's Puerto Rican.
	I was like, we're going to have sex tonight.
	I was like, we're going to have sex tonight.
	So that first night, though, dude, I was so nervous and so enamored by her love and who she was that I couldn't get my penis up.
	I was just smushing.
	I've been like that since I was 11. I couldn't get it up, man.
	Nothing, dude.
	I was even trying to watch Sports Center and everything, and my dick would not get hard, bro.
	Dude, I remember drawing a hard dick and showing it to my dick.
	Yeah, dude.
	Yeah.
	And I wouldn't do it.
	I could not get hard, man.
	I was doing it.
	I was watching the Williams sisters.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Rarshard.
	Yeah.
	I just couldn't get it up.
	And then she got embarrassed for herself.
	She was like, is it me?
	Like, what's going on?
	I was like, no, you're so.
	I was like, you're almost so beautiful and I'm so into you that it's having a counter balance effect.
	And she was like, oh, man.
	And I was like, this isn't.
	I was like, I'm embarrassed.
	And she was like, I'm embarrassed for you.
	Like, damn.
	She was like, I'm some of the jobs.
	I'm the same, huh?
	Yeah.
	She was like, oh, but she said, I'm ready to go.
	She was like, I'm drinking.
	No, she was, no, no.
	Me and I'd ready to go, ready to have sex.
	She's like, I've been drinking Bacardi all night.
	You just introduced me to Fat Joe.
	Like, I'm ready to go.
	Like, you know what I mean?
	Like, I wore my jeans.
	She told you that point.
	She said, she was like, you just introduced me to fat Joe.
	I did take her to Sabaros, but that was the only thing that was open.
	I know, lady.
	I want to have sex too.
	Yeah, but it wouldn't get up.
	I know, I know.
	I know.
	And my balls are so long that like when I, when I have like a soft penis like that, like it looked like I have an issue down there.
	And, and, and I hadn't shaved my pubes.
	So she was a little bit like, are you ready?
	Are you not?
	She's like, your balls are like hanging past your kneecaps.
	You have a full bush and you can't get your dick hard.
	You know, like, like, so like I long nuts, baby.
	You know what I'm saying?
	But I said, I got a devil's mistletoe, son.
	Yo, so I said to her, I said, can I just, because her son wasn't with her.
	Her son, I guess, was with her, his father that night.
	She had had the night.
	So I said, you know, nothing like, I said, will you mind the double dragon conference probably?
	His son was ready to go.
	His son was, yeah, buying AK-47.
	So you're at her place?
	No, she's at my place.
	Okay.
	And she's staying over.
	So now she's staying over because I said to her, I said, can I convince you to stay?
	Because she was like, maybe I'll just go, whatever.
	Like, give you some.
	Can I convince you to stay even if I can't get it right?
	Yes, because what I knew, what I was counting on was morning wood.
	I said, at least I know for a fact every day since I've been 12, I wake up with a heart.
	Normally when I pee it out.
	I always pee out my morning wood, but I said, I'm going to try to have sex with her.
	Even if what comes out is just pissed.
	Even if I pee in her vagina, at least I got it hard and I could show her what's up.
	Because when I'm horned, I'm very decent.
	And I have a, like, I've been told one of the best circumcisions like people have ever seen.
	Really?
	Not one mistake, do not a scar, nothing.
	And if I get a couple of water too, it's like, it looks like that, uh, like Charlie Brown shirt kind of a little, the cut, you know?
	Yeah, yeah.
	So that's what I'm saying.
	So I have a nice, so I was like, when I get it up, man, it's good.
	You got that eyes out dance.
	Smooth skin.
	It's a little red at the tip.
	Like, it's nice and really white.
	Like, you know.
	I got to redo mine, I guess.
	I want to get my foreskin put back on.
	Oh, really?
	My mother still has It my mother has my foreskin and my first poop and my first hair from my first haircut in a box underneath my childhood bed, which has remained untouched.
	You almost would think I'm dead because she hasn't changed my room since I left.
	Wow.
	So I said that's my only hope.
	I can't believe she did that.
	The morning would.
	So I woke up.
	She had to wake up and go to work.
	So she set the alarm at 7 a.m.
	Oh, but an alarm.
	Here's my thing.
	Alarm makes my dick soft.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	So I have to like, I just like, any like alerts or anything, you know, I can't do it.
	If there's broken glass in the room.
	Can't do it.
	Can't do it.
	So I said to her, I was ready to go.
	I said, so I said, you know what?
	I'm just going to have to do this.
	So I just went down.
	I just went down.
	I just went down to the house.
	But are you erect yet?
	Are you just hoping it gets hard while you're down?
	No, it was fully erect.
	And then it started to go down a little bit.
	It started to get nervous while I was going down on her.
	So I just started dry humping my bed.
	I just started dry humping my bed to make sure.
	So while I'm going down, I'm dry humping my bed.
	And she's like, are you having a seizure?
	I'm like, no, no, don't worry about it.
	And then I just popped up and I put it in.
	And, you know, it was like, you know, I was like, oh, shit, I'm in.
	And then it felt like, you know, then I was in there and then I had to pee.
	And I knew every time when I, if I, if I masturbated, had sex with a woman and I hadn't peed and I came, I would get some type of infection, not chlamydia, like some type of UTI.
	And I said, I know I'm going to get a UTI.
	But I said, you know what, man?
	I said, I have to level the playing field with this guy, so I'm going to not pull out.
	So I didn't pull out.
	And you ejaculated.
	Yes, and I ejaculated.
	But how do you get the ejaculation past the urine?
	It just, just will, man.
	Wow.
	Just pure will.
	I believed it could happen.
	So I pushed out and I filled her up with pee and did you tell her you were going to?
	I was like, I'm going to come.
	I'm going to come.
	And she was like, and then she was like, you know, like went to like push me off.
	And I just, you know, stayed in.
	Yeah, because it felt so good.
	And she was like, what the fuck?
	And I was like, I'm sorry, you know, whatever.
	And she was like, well, let's go get, you know, the pill.
	And I said, yes, of course.
	So we go get it.
	The same day?
	Yeah, right away.
	Gosh, I'll have a lot of time left over then if she had to go to work.
	Ready for this, though?
	Yeah.
	We're driving in the CVS, right?
	In the Corolla?
	In the Corolla.
	10 minutes.
	It's a 10-minute drive.
	We're in the Corolla.
	About minute eight.
	You know what she says to me?
	She goes, I'm pregnant.
	And I said, you're not pregnant.
	She goes, I've been pregnant before.
	I'm fucking telling you.
	I'm pregnant.
	She goes, I just got lightheaded out of nowhere.
	I think the sperm, I think your sperm just hit my egg.
	And I was like, and I was like, no way, that's impossible.
	It's like this is your brain on drugs.
	Yeah, like she was, I was like, like a direct hit, like a fucking bullseye.
	Yeah.
	And she goes, she goes, I'm pregnant.
	I was like, you're not.
	So we go get the pill.
	She takes it.
	I saw her take it, whatever.
	We go and she was like, listen, it happens, whatever.
	She's like, I'd love to see you again.
	Like, I'm actually starting to like you.
	So now I'm like, holy shit.
	Did she take the pill there in real time or you let her leave with the pill?
	No, no, she took it like she took it in real time.
	Yeah.
	She dropped it down.
	And yeah.
	Why, dude?
	Because she wanted to take the pill.
	Like, you know, I mean, I want, you know what I mean?
	So that was, that was August.
	Okay.
	September 11th, 2014.
	I was doing a show at Side Splitters in Tampa.
	Shout out Tampa.
	The owner of that comedy club, I remember that night, had told me I just punched a woman in the face in the parking lot the night before, and he was proud of that.
	They do that.
	Yeah.
	So I remember, I remember, that's what I remember.
	That's Tampa, dude.
	That's a Tampa National Anthem.
	He goes, yo, you want to see the footage?
	I knocked some woman out in the parking lot the other night.
	I was like, yeah.
	I was like, great.
	Then he goes, I bet your whole paycheck you can't make me laugh on the Saturday late show.
	I was like, what the fuck?
	I was like, you're a dirt bad criminal.
	So yeah, and then he put the comedy condo, he had put me and Damian Lemon.
	Shout out Damian Lemon.
	The comedy condo he had put me and Damian Lemon at had a had a tooth in the sink.
	Yeah, so we had called our manager and we got out, you know, we got a, we got a found a nice hotel room in Clearwater, but it had a tooth in the sink.
	Oh, yeah, so it was disgusting.
	It was a fucking dexter suite.
	Yeah, and there were two of us and one of us had to sleep on a pull-out sofa.
	Yeah.
	So, so that's September 11, 2014.
	I'm down there.
	I was talking.
	I was talking to Jasmine a lot, you know, but had no plans for her to come to Tampa.
	And she called me that morning, September 11th.
	She goes, she goes, hey, I was thinking I'm going to come out to Tampa.
	Like, you know, it'd be cool to be in Florida.
	I said, yeah, come on, you know, come out.
	You know, whatever.
	She was like, I'm going to come out.
	I'm going to see if I can make it there for your late show.
	I'm going to get a flight right now.
	I was like, great.
	I was like, this is awesome.
	Like, I'm, you know, not thinking anything.
	Hang up and talking a little bit.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	No, we were talking still, you know, every day, every other day.
	You know, she has a family and whatever.
	And I was like, yeah.
	So finally, she gets there and she looked beautiful.
	I came off stage that night and she was like gorgeous, tan.
	Even I look good back then.
	I'm 241 pounds now.
	Back then I was about 209.
	You know what I'm talking about?
	No.
	But I'll sing it with you.
	It just reminds me like a romance song.
	So yeah.
	Go to a party.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I know that song.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But I don't know any of the words after that.
	Everyone stop as this.
	You sing it like you're deaf.
	I like it.
	I think that's all I got, man.
	Yeah, dude.
	I'm tone deaf, dude.
	I'm literally tone deaf.
	Yeah.
	Okay, so you get off stage.
	She's there.
	She's there, beautiful.
	Do they have a nice green room there?
	No, it's a shit.
	Oh, you stand in the back of the bar.
	They don't have a green room.
	Right.
	There's just, you can see all the tubes coming out of those boxes that do the soda thing.
	Yeah, dude.
	Yeah.
	And that guy was just like, oh my God.
	Yeah, dude.
	It's a Corolla.
	Yeah, it's bad, dude.
	And the owner's back there just beating the shit out of whim.
	Just like, what is happening?
	So, so I said, so I was like, wow, you're here.
	And she goes, yes.
	And then she had lined up three shots.
	She was like, you got to do shots for me.
	I was like, this is fucking awesome.
	We're going to have, you know, have sex again tonight.
	I'm great.
	I said, I got a nice hotel room.
	You could see the bay, you know, whatever.
	So we go back, you know, have fun.
	Me, her, and Damien go out to a Bob Evans.
	After that, we got some food and then we have some fun.
	Yeah.
	And then we go, we, we go back to my hotel room, get back to my hotel room.
	And, you know, you know, she's like.
	And is Damian like hanging around too much or he gets?
	No, Damien gets it.
	He's like, you know, I'm going to leave you too to be.
	He's always that weird guy who's like, let's come to your room and let's play a game.
	Damien's cool as shit, bro.
	He knows what's going on.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Damien was like, just let him know.
	Unless you're going to hold my wiener up to keep it hard, bro.
	I don't know.
	I'm not coming up here.
	Unless you're going to stand under it like this.
	Yeah, dude.
	No, Damien knew what was up.
	Good guy.
	Nice guy.
	So I hadn't even thought of, because, you know, the birth control, the morning after pill was like an afterthought because it's like, you know, she had taken it.
	I was like, nobody's thinking anything.
	I wasn't thinking anything.
	And she didn't, what happened?
	She didn't swallow it?
	No, she did.
	She did.
	So, but she comes on September 11th.
	We're in the hotel room that night and she goes, I go to use the bathroom and she says, when I come out, she has a pregnancy test that's positive.
	And she goes, she goes, this is your baby.
	She goes, here's the thing.
	She goes, I don't, you know, really want to do this.
	I have a son.
	She goes, I told you in the car I was pregnant that birth the morning after bill didn't work.
	She was like, I told you, I told you.
	She goes, so you have your career, your life.
	I think you're a nice guy.
	I've had a lovely time with you.
	I would love to even continue to see you.
	She's like, but I'm not going to have another child like this.
	She's like, I already have a child, a son to deal with, then I'm not with his dad.
	She mean in Long Island?
	Huh?
	What does she mean?
	Like, have another child on Long Island?
	No, I think she meant like have another child with a guy who maybe doesn't want to get married or maybe like that.
	Or maybe she did mean, I don't want to have a child with a guy who lives in the five boroughs.
	That sounds like a human sewer cap.
	Maybe she said that.
	That's possible.
	Right.
	Because her ex, her son's father does sound and look a lot like me.
	Oh, he does?
	Yes.
	She has white children.
	She's made that very clear.
	She's only going to procreate with white men, and that's just her prerogative.
	Yeah.
	So if you're not white, you can hook up with her, but she will not bear your children.
	That's her words.
	Yeah, everybody has to be.
	She's Puerto Rican.
	She said this is.
	That's what she said.
	She was like, yeah.
	So she was like, I want my kids to have psoriasis.
	So I said to her, you're pregnant.
	You know, it's 100% mine.
	She goes, yes, it's 100% yours, obviously.
	And I was like, okay.
	And then I had that moment in my head where I was like, you know, I'm 30 years old.
	I willingly did this.
	I have my career, you know, where, you know, not where I want it to be, but I was like, things seem to go move in the right direction.
	I have my education.
	I said, I was irresponsible by acting in the moment and deciding not to pull out and do that because I was feeling inferior to another.
	I created all these dumb things in my head because I'm nuts.
	I said, no, I said to her, I said, look, I said, I would love to have this child, even though I know I barely know you.
	We don't know anybody.
	You don't know my family.
	I don't know yours.
	I said, there could be a million red flags to the both of us.
	I was like, but I would love to be a father to this child.
	I was like, I don't know if you and I would work out.
	I don't know if you'll hate me or like me.
	I don't know.
	I said, but I know for a fact, like, I will make this child like my whole life.
	Like, I promise you that will happen.
	Sounds so Japanese all of a sudden.
	Yeah, dude.
	Yeah.
	Well, I dropped a fucking nuke in her.
	So I said, so I said, I said, I will do that.
	And she was like, let me think about it.
	Let me think about it.
	Oh, my God.
	And then we woke up the next morning.
	This is like on Joe Dirt, whenever that thing happens, he's fucking at the sewer system, whatever, and he's drinking shit out of a can.
	And he's like, and Brandy wouldn't touch my dick, you know?
	And they left me.
	We'll be right back.
	Okay, good.
	So she said, so we woke up.
	Let me think about it.
	We woke up the next morning.
	We were in Florida, in Tampa Bay.
	Woke up the next morning and there was a pelican on our balcony.
	And I was like, that's a stork.
	I was like, that's a stork, even though I knew it wasn't.
	I was like, that's a stork.
	And because she doesn't know the difference between pelicans and storks, she was like, that's a sign then.
	That's a massive sign.
	I said, that's our baby right there.
	That's a stork.
	Wow.
	And she was like, if you're going to be a good dad and you promise me that you'll, then we can do it.
	Wow.
	And you did it.
	And we did.
	And that's the best.
	And that's why I now, in retrospect, even though I love her and, you know, she's always been a part of my life, I think what I was seeing when I met her that day at Place to Beach, I was really seeing my child.
	I was thinking like a life thing.
	Still, I've never felt that way about any woman.
	Like stopped in my tracks.
	Like this woman is like, I felt like this woman's going to be like my life.
	And that's what it's turned out.
	Like I'm forever linked to her now.
	We have two children.
	It doesn't matter what happens between us and things are going good between us, but it doesn't matter whatever the future holds.
	It's like we're linked forever.
	So, and then we broke up.
	We broke up.
	Like we were co-parenting for years.
	And then the pandemic happened and we got back together.
	First time we had sex.
	We have now a second daughter, my seventh month old daughter, Violet.
	Wow.
	So now, so, so, so it's just locked in like that.
	And I think when you're talking about love, what I will say is that I feel like now, like I, I never went looking for it like at all.
	It kind of just organically happened.
	And I don't know necessarily what being in love is or what all those, I think it's different things to different people.
	Yeah.
	But I know that they'll never be, me and Jasmine may not always be together.
	That may or may not happen, but there'll never be a woman like she will always be priority number one in my life, no matter what.
	You know, and my daughters, of course, you know, my children are my children, but that's a different thing than talking about as a grown adult woman.
	She'll always be priority number one.
	Wow.
	Like I'd kill my mom before I killed her.
	Or if I was going to, I'd kill them both at the exact same time.
	Yeah.
	But I never kill my kids, but I would kill my stepson.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	But probably not.
	He'll probably kill me first.
	Yeah.
	Well.
	I was just kidding.
	I would never kill any of my stepson or my children.
	No, I don't think I could kill anyone, actually.
	I don't think I could kill anyone.
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	Well, here's advice that I just received.
	I just received advice.
	So I have a character on my podcast on the Chrissy Chaos podcast called TT Jerry.
	Yeah, I know who T.T. Jerry is.
	So TT Jerry is, if you guys listen to the Chrissy Chaos podcast, TT Jerry is Jasmine's godfather who's transgender, who's been was in prison for 25 years, was son of Sam's prison bitch, as she describes, for many years, also had son of Sam, had sex with the Amityville massacre, the Amityville Horror House.
	You never heard of that?
	The Amityville?
	Doesn't Patrick or something?
	No, his name was Ronald DeFeo.
	Yeah, TT said that she would let him jerk off to her.
	So, you know, she had a knack for killers.
	And so she told me, though, 25 years in prison, she told me recently on the podcast, she said, if you went to prison, what I would tell you, if you ever went to prison, what you needed to do is immediately say that you're trans.
	You would immediately need to start taking estrogen pills.
	I'm not saying you have to cut your penis off, but you should take estrogen pills because then they will move you to the transgender part of the prison and you're safe there.
	She said, if you go with the general population men, they're going to rape you and kill you probably immediately.
	She was like, so I would start, claim you're trans and take, start taking estrogen pills immediately.
	So that's just a little word of advice out there.
	Yeah, for because I bite my nails and I got to grow my hair.
	That's what you're saying.
	Yeah, or they say that that's good for women also.
	Biotin?
	Biotin, biotin.
	I think it's called biotin.
	Yeah, she told me to take estrogen to fully start growing.
	Yeah, she knows.
	Look, yeah, I just didn't even say anything.
	But now that she's in our life, you know, she's really helped us, me and Jasmine, through some of our problems we've been having.
	She's helped us because she's like, hey, I've actually been in prison.
	I've actually been in solitary confinement.
	Don't make your life a prison when you guys are free.
	Just support each other.
	You have two beautiful children.
	Don't have, you guys make up, you put yourselves in these prisons.
	She's like, I was for real federally incarcerated.
	So don't do that.
	So that was a big thing.
	But about the love thing is, is I think if you don't look for it, I do believe love, you know, this is gay.
	And I love cock when my dad's asleep.
	But what it is, is if love finds you, you don't find it.
	I think the people that go looking for it, it's a forced thing.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, yeah.
	And also, who would be better, who better to do relationship advice than somebody that's trans, somebody that has a relationship going on inside of their body?
	I was going to say that, that she sees both sides.
	She comes at it from both sides.
	Dude, why are we not using trans people to help us do marital advice and support?
	Because they are a man and a woman.
	Nobody could sort it out at once than the original recipe.
	And sometimes the best times with TT Jerry is when sometimes she goes like Minotaur.
	She goes half man, half.
	Sometimes she'll be wearing like sharpens her feet?
	No, no.
	I remember once recently she was wearing one of my sweatshirts from the Denver Comedy Works.
	That's nice.
	They do that.
	Yeah, she was wearing my sweatshirt from Denver Comedy Works and Jasmine's high heels and my six-year-old daughter's pants.
	So she was, she was fully like, it was crazy, you know?
	Because that's the thing about dating a Puerto Rican woman is, you know, when I'm folding their laundry, I don't know what clothes are my six-year-old daughters and what clothes is their mother.
	Well, the whole culture is bedazzed.
	Because they wear very tight clothes.
	Yeah.
	Small clothes.
	Yeah.
	You know, and the good thing about Jasmine is her mother's beautiful.
	So you know, like long term, you know, because I, because my father's a very ugly, my father's a very weird looking man.
	He's almost he looks like he's upside down.
	Like he's, he's got different parts.
	Like he almost looks like he was assembled when God was drunk.
	You know, I don't know, God was doing something.
	I think we can see him on your Instagram.
	Yeah, he's a hideous looking man, Tampa Tony.
	So Jasmine has brought that up.
	Like, you know, you're going to really fall apart soon.
	You know, my dad looks like Fred Flintstone.
	Yeah.
	So, but Jasmine's mom is beautiful.
	So yeah, I recently posted him.
	If you look at his name is Tampa Tony.
	There you go, to the right.
	So if you see, he looks like, you know, a lot of people think he's special needs.
	And, you know, he can't smile, can he?
	Yeah, and he can't smile.
	And, you know, he's wearing diabetic socks.
	And he was in Tampa last night.
	I was at the Tampa theater.
	And he was telling, he was asking girls to look at his Tampa socks.
	He said, how's my drip?
	Oh, a lot.
	On these Tampa socks.
	But yeah, so that's my father.
	So he's not, you know what I mean?
	He kind of looks like he's falling apart and he's got a lazy eye.
	So I get when Jasmine's like, I don't want to be with you long term because that's what I will turn into.
	He gets a little shaw shanker on the boots.
	He definitely seemed like he has that fresh out of prison sneaker.
	He wears referee sneakers.
	A lot of people don't know how to stand when they get out of prison.
	Yeah, so that's how my dad is.
	But here, Catherine Narducci likes it.
	She's from Goodfellas.
	That's beautiful.
	She's the wife from Goodfellas.
	So shout out Catherine Nardici.
	That's cool, man.
	So yeah, dude, I think I will say that having a family.
	yeah, he's good, man.
	He's got one of the tiniest penises you've ever seen in your life, man.
	Tiniest?
	Truthfully, man, where it's like it was a little bit of a thing where I used to think my dad just was balls.
	Like, because we would take showers as you know, you take a shower at your dad once in a while.
	And, and, um, really, truthfully, like, I'm very blessed.
	I don't have his penis.
	Very blessed.
	I remember taking a shower at my dad because my dad was probably 76 or something, 75. And I'll shower off 74. Maybe when I shower with him, I don't know.
	What year was your dad born?
	1910.
	1910.
	So did he fight in World War II?
	No.
	Or World War I?
	Was he a late edition?
	He was born in Nicaragua.
	He didn't have a American War.
	I think.
	He's half Nicaraguan.
	So his mother was, I guess.
	But he had people were eating dirt in his village and stuff like that.
	Right.
	76 years old.
	It was pretty sad.
	He said it was pretty sad, but people were eating dirt.
	Yeah, no, I know, dude.
	So I think that, dude, I think, you know, if this was about love today, I think that I will say this.
	I will say that having a family, it does make all my problems that I used to complain about seem very minuscule.
	Like I don't care about, like, I love comedy.
	It's my career.
	But I don't get all bent out of shape if I don't get an audition, if I don't sell this many ticks, if I don't do that.
	I'm like, yo, I just go play with my kids, man.
	Like my kids, your kids bring you back.
	I think you have to have something that grounds you.
	I'm not saying you have to have a husband, a wife, and kids, but you have to have something that gets you outside of your work.
	Like Japanese people, they are so identified.
	Japanese people have a very, very high suicide rate for people over 65 because when they retire, they usually kill themselves because they were just identified by their job.
	So I identify myself as, you know, a father and then like, then the other stuff is comedy and this and that.
	But I think having the kids, it's actually a saving grace because I don't, the problems that I just, even like old relationships, I just don't care.
	I'm like, like even I have a friend right now.
	He's going through, he's like agonizing over, should he get a divorce from his wife or not?
	But they have no children.
	I'm like, buddy, do it.
	It'll be over in an hour for you.
	Like you don't even have kids, man.
	Like just get out of it.
	You're making, you're, you're putting yourself in this prison.
	Like you don't have children.
	Right.
	If you have children, it's a lot harder.
	If you don't have children, it's like, just move on with your life.
	For me, and Jazzy, there's been harder times because we're like, were you going to walk away from your kids?
	Like, you know, my six-year-old daughter says, when you're not here, I get scared, daddy.
	So what am I going to do?
	I'm going to go stay in a Ramada because I want to get some side pussy.
	No, you can't do that.
	You got to go in the guest bathroom and jerk off because I'm not going to have my kids scared and I'm going to be in the Ramada with a side piece.
	Would you wait till your children are asleep before you'd masturbate for sure?
	Yeah.
	I don't think we want to talk about that, can we?
	What do you mean?
	Is it insane to talk about that?
	No, yeah.
	You know, you never masturbate in front of your kids, of course.
	Yeah.
	And why would you even say that out loud?
	That's kind of.
	I mean, they're my kids.
	And actually, they were it.
	Yeah.
	So it's like, yeah, it's just taking them back to the old shop.
	You know, you know, the government getting involved in family matters is a very new thing.
	For most of American history, the government could not get involved in a family matter.
	Like if you killed your wife, that was up to the family if they wanted to.
	If the family said, hey, we want to prosecute you.
	All right, fine.
	But the government couldn't just step in and do family.
	It was family.
	George Washington's era, you could do whatever the hell you wanted missing.
	Missing my central, dude.
	Missing my central.
	I think the well, once they made it illegal for you to have a graveyard on your premises.
	Is that truthfully illegal?
	That's when it started to get really, really strange.
	Interesting.
	That's very, very, very interesting because, yeah, dude, so what do you do with your family?
	But I mean, what do you, so, so you, you think, why, let me ask you this.
	Why do you want to fall in love?
	Do you think it's going to save you?
	Is it just you're at a point in your life where you don't want to be alone?
	I think there's some things, like, there's some things you just said.
	It's like, I think, for one, people are always like, get a pet, get a wife, get a something, get a kid, you know?
	I almost wish a girl would show up with a kid that I have.
	And I don't know, you know, in a weird way.
	Not like I didn't want to be there for the few years, but yeah, I just think I need some, I just want something different in my life.
	So I'm not going to like settle for some weird thing or, you know, come and somebody I just met at a fucking, you know, some Irish, you know, Irish technology.
	I don't recommend it.
	Or volleyball deal.
	Yeah.
	But I mean, but maybe that is the way to do it.
	I think some of it is just about just doing it.
	Like one of my friends, I'm always like, man, I think I have trouble in relationships.
	And my friend's like, you have trouble in relationships until you do a relationship.
	So it's like, you just have to do it.
	And so that's kind of where I've been.
	I recently, I took a break from dating in December.
	Okay.
	I took a complete break from dating and interacting with females.
	So that kind of helped me get at least a little headspace because I'd just been kind of frenetic for years, just kind of like one girl to the next.
	Yeah, you just don't really think of like what's important.
	You know, you just kind of get used to just messaging and doing this and that.
	And then you're just kind of, I wasn't intentional.
	Right.
	So now I'm just, I'm, I'm starting to get to a place where I like to be more intentional.
	So I just think like, yeah, what would be new things in my life?
	Something that would be new would be being in a loving, committed relationship.
	Does that woman need to be vaccinated?
	I do not care if that woman's vaccinated.
	Okay.
	So she hasn't proof of a vaccine card.
	She doesn't have to have the booster?
	No.
	Okay.
	That's good because then that widens the playing field.
	Oh, yeah.
	If you say, I'm only going to have vaccinated women, it's just tough right now.
	You know, because I think most of the women that you want to deal with are not vaccinated.
	Yeah.
	I'll go non-vax.
	It's becoming quite clear that it's very difficult to deal with a very ultra-liberal woman.
	You want to go Republican.
	If you're looking for love in a relationship, if you're looking for a one night of fun, then I would say you can go more liberal.
	But if you want, I mean, a woman who's going to be by your side, then I think you want to go Republican is what I would recommend.
	Or at least someone who leans right.
	They don't have to be ultra right wing nut job, but I would say their priority should be to the right because it's becoming clear that the people to the left, it's just, it's a losing battle.
	Well, someone over there is getting weird.
	I mean, whenever you get way out on the fringe, it gets really weird.
	Yeah, either side of it.
	That's one of the reasons why I got a place in Nashville during this pandemic.
	It was like, it was normal there.
	Like, there was no...
	Right.
	Nobody was masking.
	Nobody's doing, like...
	it was normal, and it's been fine.
	It's fine.
	So that was like, you know, Rogan asked me, why'd you move there?
	And I couldn't, I mean, taxes are, you know, there's no state taxes and stuff.
	And here, you know, they might even move them up to 18% in California.
	But I know, New York and California, the worst.
	I know.
	But then also there's a lot of great things about living in those places.
	Yeah, you don't want to, you know, but.
	Yeah, I would say, I would say if you're looking for love.
	But it was just free there.
	You know, I was like, oh, I want to live in a place that was free.
	And it felt strange when I came to other places.
	And like people felt like that.
	No, stay with them.
	I would try for you, man, if I'm being honest with you, just like I need my friends to be honest with me.
	As a pretty mature guy, like, you know, or the most true.
	You do.
	As the most mature in my life and being a father and just being, knowing what I think, just being truthful is for me, man, when I look at you, I think you want a right-leaning woman who's from Wyoming.
	I think you want a state like a Wyoming or an Idaho.
	You want someone like that.
	You don't want someone who's in entertainment.
	And you don't want someone who's storming the Capitol.
	I think you'd like a nice, just like, like watch that show Yellowstone.
	And a woman like that is what you want.
	Maybe you could contact Kevin Costner and see if there's an extra or something like that who's single and available in Montana.
	Yeah.
	I think that would work for you, man.
	I could see you with that because you're...
	And Winburn.
	A lot of them have Winburn.
	A lot of them have Winburn.
	Yeah.
	And I think that, you know, they would cook a lot of the stuff that you like to eat, like ferret and whatever other, you know, because it's from Louisiana.
	So, you know, you guys eat.
	Griddle cake.
	Griddle.
	They know all that stuff.
	Ooey gooey pie, whatever that crazy shit is.
	You know, because we have to play pretend a lot, like with a lot of these places, like they're real places, you know.
	But I don't think with the pandemic.
	A little bit of dove.
	Yeah.
	So, you know, like you just, you know, so I think that, I think that that's who I would go with if I was you, you know, and I think that you'll find it, man.
	You seem like you're in a happy, healthy place when I saw you.
	Your cheeks look good.
	Really?
	Yeah, you did.
	You look good because one time I saw your cheeks look sunken in.
	Like I was almost like, man, does Theo have AIDS or something?
	Like gaunt, like Horace gaunt.
	Yeah, but now you're good, man.
	You look healthy.
	You look good.
	And your hair looks good.
	Your hair looks like you're using PERT Plus or something.
	Yeah, your hair looks shiny, man.
	Like, I know you're using conditioner.
	I've been feeling bad about it, but not really bad about it.
	I'm just grateful to have some hair right now.
	Yeah, man.
	I think I have COVID.
	What?
	I just feel like I'm not.
	I feel body aches, dude.
	Do you?
	Yeah, but I haven't gotten it once.
	I got a lot, though.
	Yeah, yo, but I've been in the room with COVID like 15 times, man.
	Dead ass.
	Do you ever get it?
	No, I got the antibodies.
	Yeah.
	Did you get the booster?
	I'm sure I've missed.
	I'm sure I've missed some shots.
	Yeah, dude.
	Yeah, me too.
	I had a fake one for a while, but then I just had to get the juice.
	Yeah, I think it's like, look, I don't know.
	I don't even want to get into all that, honestly.
	Yeah, you can't, right?
	At this point, well, you can't make public statements.
	Well, I just don't.
	I'm just overhearing it.
	It's like, what, you know, I can't fathom they're going to get people to go get some other booster.
	Are they, what are you fucking insane?
	At this point, it's like you're literally just throwing darts.
	You're literally just stabbing people at a CVS.
	That's what it is.
	Yeah, no, I'm waiting for the next one, man.
	Even people that believe in it don't even believe in it now.
	Not anymore, dude.
	Even AOC's out there with no mask on.
	Everybody.
	You know, like, nobody gives a shit.
	Yeah, dude.
	One of my friends used to hook up with AOC.
	Really?
	At the bar she used to work at, yeah.
	Wow.
	He said she's really not like that.
	He said deep down, she's Republican.
	Wow.
	Crazy, right?
	Yep.
	Yeah, I think, well, there's a lot of identifying people that want to be just a, you know, they want to be something.
	And they, I think a lot of people out of fear, too, their boss is a certain thing and they feel like they have to be that.
	Right.
	But it's funny when we're talking about 2015 and even before that, it's like, I don't think people, it's so crazy how divided people got.
	I know.
	I know.
	Because you know what it is, man?
	When you think that you let, but when you really think that you let some political thing divide you from your own family members, and a lot of it's just things you heard or, you know, it's like, it's not like real shit between you and them.
	It's just like pieces that you both heard on social media and stuff and just fuel it.
	It's kind of crazy.
	Well, you know, my father said this in 2008, 2009.
	You know, this is a man with an eighth grade education, but very street smart.
	And as you could tell, you know, as a special needs man, and he was saying that, he said in 2009, he said, this, this Twitter thing is going to be the worst thing that ever happened for this country.
	And I was like, why?
	He's like, because not everyone's supposed to be talking.
	And it's come out to be true.
	Social media is like, not everyone's supposed to have an opinion.
	This is not what it is.
	He's like, you can't let the whole world talk.
	And I'm like, it's pretty true because now you get people galvanized, little sections of them, and then they do big things where it used to be, you know, these people's ideas would just, they would get shot down at a, you know, at a cafeterian biloxi.
	It wouldn't go any further than that.
	Right.
	But now it's like that cafeterian biloxi, you know, you can get that to thousands, millions, billions of people.
	Yeah.
	So it's problematic.
	But I think we're, I think we're going back in the right direction.
	I think, I think, um, I think we're going to be all right, man.
	I think once Biden dies of natural causes, it's going to be all right.
	You know, because I think they're going to have to push him down.
	They're going to have to do something with him.
	You know, I don't want him to die.
	No, but it's like watching that old yeller.
	It's like watching old yeller.
	Yeah, I think that the United States is like, I think that the powers that be are going to say, you know, they might just get Lee Harvey Oswald back.
	You know, it might get the juices flowing again.
	Oh, to assassinate him would be easy.
	Just, you know, it'd be crazy.
	You just don't give him his pills that morning.
	It's just, I don't know.
	But also, government has become such a, that's not even our government anymore.
	Facebook is our government.
	Yeah, Zuckerberg.
	Twitter is our government.
	Like, those are the things, the ruling entities.
	The rest of this is just bull.
	It's people just arguing about some bullshit.
	Well, it's become states' rights.
	That's why when you live in a place like Tennessee or Florida, you live a different life than you do other places.
	Like, I've never thought I would ever want to even consider leaving New York.
	But there's a very simple thing.
	Like in New York, my six-year-old has to wear masks in her classroom all day.
	And she hates it.
	I hate it for her social.
	I'm not worried.
	The breathing is like whatever, but you can't deny like when my child doesn't see her friends, when you see someone's full face, you get, you know, her brain is forming.
	She can see people smiling.
	She doesn't understand reactions.
	It's harming her.
	Where if I just moved her, you know, a thousand miles to the south in Florida, she's living a free life like it's 2019.
	So you're getting there in your career where you can do that.
	Yes, I have to make like an honest decision.
	If in the summer, this summer they're like, hey, we're going masks on again, then I don't want her to live like that.
	And I'm not anti-vax or anti-science.
	I'm not a right-wing nut.
	I kid around, but like, seriously, I'm like, that's a simple thing.
	That's a very easy thing for me as a parent where, like, I just don't want my child wearing a mask anymore.
	I don't.
	Well, I just think the whole thing's interesting: how none of the so like, none of the social effects of this have come into any conversation.
	There was never any big conversation, the fact that if we shut everything down, we're going to have hundreds of thousands of people that are going to die from addiction, from loneliness.
	Yeah.
	All the people that probably seniors that died of heartbreak because they couldn't see their fucking family.
	It's like, and that a lot of that stuff is unquantifiable.
	And I bet I really believe that it could be more than the amount of people that died from COVID in America anyway.
	100%.
	I really believe it.
	Because for me, you know, it's my own thing.
	I have six friends that overdosed and died during the pandemic.
	Completely dead, gone off the earth, right?
	I don't have, I don't know anybody that died of COVID.
	That's just me.
	It's my own world.
	But if they had AA meetings that were open and recovery houses that were open, it might not have been the same case for some people.
	So I don't know.
	I agree.
	I might have a different chip on my shoulder.
	No, but it's about that.
	And it's a mental health issue.
	Like in New York, I saw the other day, I saw a guy in the middle of the day.
	It's like a homeless man.
	And he started, like I saw this.
	He started like full spray shitting, like diarrhea on a brick wall, right, right near Penn Station in New York City by Last Square Garden.
	Like just full shitting on a brick wall.
	Yeah, like it was crazy, dude.
	Like wild, wild behavior, like just nuts.
	When people are desperate, when you're spraying something out of your body onto a wall to like get a message across, that's desperation.
	Spray shit.
	And a woman was walking by because I was stopped.
	I was like, oh my God.
	And a woman was walking by and she called me.
	You called him gay or something?
	No.
	She walked up to him and she goes, she called me gay for no reason.
	And she goes, and she walked up to him and she goes, she goes, excuse me, sir, put on a mask.
	And I was like, I mean, this guy sprays shitting against a wall and you're worried about his COVID status.
	Like, you know, like, it's just like we're outdoors in public.
	Let him, you know, it's a mental health issue.
	Like the people who are the most afraid have all three vaccine shots, probably two boosters.
	They wear six masks and they're the ones that are terrified.
	And I'm like, it's a mental health issue.
	It's clear it's a mental health issue now.
	You know?
	Yeah, it's interesting, man.
	Well, it's just the mental health side of it is really interesting.
	And a lot of that hasn't really been explored.
	And it'll all be looked at probably years down the road.
	But the thing is, I think Dr. Fauci is like just cute.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, I like seeing Dr. Fauci.
	I know his science is what it is, but he's just a small Italian man, like somebody's no-no.
	You know, like, like he just comes out there with like a wooden spoon and will, you know, he'll hit COVID with a news rolled up newspaper.
	You know, like, like, I like him.
	I guess he does have a cute ambiance.
	Yeah, man.
	Like, he looks like if a Tortellini became a national health doctor.
	You know, like, I like him, man.
	But he lost him when he threw out that pitch at the national.
	Yeah, he stinks at baseball, man.
	Which is crazy because a lot of those Italian guys who grew up in Brooklyn, they play stick ball and Joe DiMaggio.
	Yeah, dude.
	So he's.
	He's Shremsky.
	Is he Italian?
	Calling you Shremsky?
	No, Polish.
	He sounds Polish, huh?
	Yeah, I think Yashremsky's Polish, yeah.
	Yeah, one of my friends is a Polish guy.
	He just had a baby.
	Wow.
	He was a guy actually, he got circumcised at 19 years old, man.
	Showed up to school on crutches, man.
	Ooh.
	Yeah, and he did it for a girl that didn't want to uncircumcise her.
	Just pierce your ears.
	That's what I said.
	And then she dumped him about two weeks later.
	Fucked his dick up, man.
	His dick was swollen.
	It was bad, dude.
	You ever pierce your own ears for a woman?
	Pierce my own ears for a woman?
	No.
	I mean, the craziest thing I did is I got a woman pregnant because I felt inferior to her ex.
	And I started a full life.
	I locked myself into a woman for the rest of my life just to get even with a guy who I just saw once on Instagram.
	Yeah.
	That's cool, though.
	I go for it, man.
	Yeah, I think you do.
	Shoot or shoot.
	I take swings, dude.
	Shoot or shoot, man.
	I want to be, that's what I want to be.
	I want to be the guy that's willing to ejaculate in somebody I just met.
	Yep.
	I did it, man.
	And that's why there's, you know, I'm proud of the fearlessness, you know?
	I'm proud of it because I'm like, you know what, man?
	Like, if I'm going to get a woman pregnant who I barely even know just to get even with her ex that I barely, that I flat out don't know that I've created in my mind, then yeah, dude, I'm going to take a chance on a joke.
	I'm going to add a show that I probably shouldn't have added.
	I'm going to make a ticket price.
	I don't give a fuck.
	Sail for a new America, dude.
	I'm going to take a Columbus.
	Dude, come on.
	You got to bust, dude.
	I'm taking big swings, dude.
	I'm taking big swings.
	Semen swings.
	And that's what you have to do, man, especially in our careers.
	Like, you got to take big swings, dude.
	I got to get on the Joe Rogan show, too.
	Yeah.
	Never been on it once.
	Never once.
	Oh, you'll probably be right around the corner.
	No, but you know what, dude?
	I'm proud of.
	You're doing great without it.
	I was going to say, I'm proud of the ticket sales and all that.
	And the people have been coming out to see me without any Rogan appearance.
	I'm proud of that.
	Yeah.
	You know, so I don't know.
	But you think if I ever do get on him, should I take a swing at him just to like stand out?
	You know what I mean?
	No, I don't think that's the move.
	Or like kill one of his security guards or something?
	No, I think that's it.
	And bring his head in on a spike and be like, yo, start the show.
	Yo.
	You just puppet it.
	We are live.
	Yeah.
	We are live.
	But dude, you're killing.
	I mean, what else is going on?
	The thing is with you, man, Theo, is, you know, I was talking to Opie the other day.
	We used to do the Opie and Anthony show or the Opie and Gym show at the time a lot.
	And I was talking to Opie the other day, and we were just talking about how, man, Theo is killing it.
	And we were like, Opie misses you, man.
	He was saying he wants to take a walk, me, you and him, around New York City, just a walk.
	Oh, wow.
	I said, if Theo's ever in New York, I'm sure if he's got the time, man, we'll take a walk.
	Dude, I had so much fun on there.
	That's when I was really cutting my own hair for about eight years.
	And I'm on there.
	I remember that we had that back and forth where I said, you look like Eileen Wernos.
	You said, I look like a deaf guy that goes to the gym.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It was a good back and forth.
	And then Carl was in the middle and Carl died, man.
	Everybody else in there died.
	Carl died.
	Vic Kenley.
	Vic.
	Everyone on that Coquina.
	God.
	Yeah.
	Vic wasn't.
	No, I think Vic, they said he died of a blood clot, which is interesting because he died of a blood clot.
	And this was about April, I think, of 2020, where he might have been early COVID, you know, because they were saying that COVID was causing blood clots, or it might have just been a rant.
	Vic had gotten hit by a car a few days before and wouldn't go to the doctor.
	And Opie was like, You need to go to the doctor, dude.
	You got hit by a car, man.
	And he was like, I ain't going to the doctor.
	So there might have been a blood clot forming in his body.
	I mean, he got fully hit by a car.
	At all.
	If you get hit by a fucking vehicle, dude, if anything's going to clot your blood, it'll be that.
	That's a crazy thing, man, to get hit by a car.
	I remember trying to steal my mom's car one time, and like it started, I was pushing.
	I got the, but it was kind of uphill a little, and I didn't realize it would start coming back.
	I wasn't going to be strong enough.
	And I got like sandwiched between it and another car on my thighs.
	And it was just fucking so much pain, dude.
	Damn, dude.
	And I had these black bruises on my legs for about two weeks, dude.
	And I had to yell for help and shit.
	It was so horrible.
	That sucks, dude.
	I remember one time I was driving, me and my dad.
	I was in my dad's Oldsmobile.
	Had nice legs.
	All four of his doors opened up on the Verizon Bridge going to Staten Island.
	All four of the doors at the same time.
	It was wild.
	And I didn't have a seatbelt on.
	I was like 11. Yeah, my dad was just holding me.
	My sister fell out of buying McDonald's out of an Oldsmobile out of a cutlass or something, or a Delta Oldsmobile.
	A Delta Cutlass.
	Delta 88. Damn.
	Dude.
	Those bitches, those locks on those doors are weak.
	Weak as fuck, man.
	Weak locks.
	I miss Oldsmobiles.
	Yeah.
	Possibly.
	I miss a lot of things, man.
	I miss a lot of things, dude.
	What else are we talking about?
	No, dude, we're just flowing, man.
	I felt like this is, this, you came at me and we just started talking about love, which I could talk about it all day because I think it's got many different definitions, dude.
	Yeah.
	And I don't know if all your fans will like this.
	Maybe some of them tuned out, but the ones that stayed, man, congratulations because, you know, it's a different vibe.
	We're not going to talk about jokes all the time.
	We're talking about love.
	Well, yeah.
	I think a lot of people want to hear that.
	Oh, I think, I mean, it's just what I've kind of been like, not thinking about, but it's like, you know, you want to see if it's out there.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	I want to see if it, yeah.
	And listen, dude.
	And maybe it's only out there for you for a month or two or a year and then it goes away.
	But, you know, nothing lasts forever.
	I think I would like to get that marriage.
	You want to get married.
	See, because I had children first, I don't want to get married.
	Okay.
	If I would have gotten married and they have the kids, that's one thing.
	But because I had the kids first, I don't see, to me, what I think of is marriage is, this is my opinion.
	Marriage is a piece of paper.
	It feels archaic.
	It feels like something you would do.
	Like if you're very wealthy, like if you're on that show Succession, then you get married because it's power dynamics.
	But this marriage thing now is just a piece of paper that some guy made up that had to be a thing.
	It's not real.
	But children, like that's a type of marriage from the universe I can't explain.
	I'm forever locked in to my children's mother now.
	And that's not, that's from some powers I don't understand.
	But the piece of paper is like, that's just whatever state you live in.
	There's different rules you got to pay a guy.
	That's how I look at it.
	And some people will say, oh, that's a bullshit way of looking at it.
	You're, you know, you're, you know, that, that ain't cool.
	But I'm like, but, but that's how I feel.
	That's heaven's eggs, dude.
	That's, that's children.
	I would like to have, I think, then some matrimony.
	I think I would like to then maybe just, even if I co-parented or something, have like a loving environment that brought some children into the world.
	I will say having children, man, it's the most beautiful thing.
	Listen, it's all ego.
	The thing is, it all stems from, it all stems from a degree of narcissism.
	Everything, you know, even mothers love it.
	You know, the reason why you love your own children is because it's a piece of you, right?
	So that's okay to, I think, to accept that.
	You know, you can't put yourself before your kids because you need to make sure you're healthy and strong so you can be healthy and strong for your children.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, like, so, so when some people are like, oh, my kids are everything.
	My kids are everything to me.
	They truly are.
	But I have to be mentally and physically happy and healthy so I can pass it on to them.
	So I'm always thinking, every decision I make, I'm thinking about, you know?
	Yeah, see, I like that.
	I think I would like to just have something.
	And I don't want to do it because of that, but it would be nice to have something in the world that makes me less self-focused.
	Yes, because I think that's the only way that it popped like that, you know, I can get outside of my own thoughts and ego is to, because I can't, you know, I can't sit there and commiserate all day about career or about something I said five years ago or about what are people saying about me on social media.
	I can't commiserate about that because my daughter needs to eat.
	Right.
	You know, and I'm like, this is the real important stuff.
	Even like, you know, on the social medias of the world, you realize like all you have to do is like, you know, when, I don't know, somebody, you know, gets canceled or somebody gets a bad review on a show, like all you have to do is delete that app and then it's gone.
	Yeah.
	Because the real world for me is my children.
	As long as my children think I'm okay, I don't care what anybody thinks of me.
	So it's a, it's like a superpower where sometimes people will be like, wow, Chris, you say some crazy shit sometimes on stage.
	Like, you ever get worried about being canceled?
	I'm like, no, because I got my kids, man.
	And if you find you take my comedy career away, I mean, I'll just go be a physical therapist.
	I have a license.
	Like, I don't want.
	I love doing comedy.
	I love this.
	I want this to be my life.
	Yeah, but why not stretch a guy's leg out somewhere?
	You know what I mean?
	I might do both, dude.
	As a matter of fact, when the pandemic happened, Governor Cuomo of New York, former Governor Cuomo of New York, he reinstated every healthcare professional's license that has lapsed as long as it didn't, as long as you didn't lose your license because you like killed somebody.
	But mine had just lapsed.
	As a matter of fact, you ready for this?
	In the state of New York, when I got my license reinstated in the state of New York, I was told that I was the only male physical therapist who had had my license, my physical therapy license on a five-year hiatus because that's only designed for pregnant women, for women who had had children and want to step away and raise their kids and then come back.
	I was the only male on that.
	So there was all these people that I was on the pregnancy base.
	I was basically the pregnancy part of the portion of the license.
	My license was treated like as if I was a pregnant woman that had bore children.
	So I got my license reinstated like that, like overnight in an email.
	I got my full license.
	So I could legally, I could legally practice.
	I don't remember shit.
	Because I'm an urban planner, dude, and my degree was in urban planning.
	And what would you do if you could urban, you know, if you were going to plan something out in the urban community, what would you do with your plan?
	Do you plan like a fucking comedy night?
	You do neighborhood.
	You do shrubbery.
	You do, like if a postman's coming into the neighborhood, you tell him where to go first, how to do the best routes.
	You do zoning.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	Urban planning, man.
	I don't think I'm in.
	that's not up.
	I don't think that's what I'm going to do.
	How long are we going?
	How long are we going right now?
	How long do you normally do?
	We'll probably do another 10 or 15 minutes.
	Yeah, you want to bring Dom in?
	Yeah.
	Come on.
	Dom, you want to come on in, man?
	Don DePetta, coming in.
	Come join us.
	Coming in in the batter's box, baby.
	Yes, sir.
	Come on, Don DePetta.
	All right, here, let's get your camera set.
	Got you keyed up here, brother.
	Look at his mustache, ladies.
	Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.
	Yeah.
	Thank you.
	Yeah, he said he wouldn't shave it, man.
	He was going to shave it, and then he said he wouldn't do it.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah, he's not going to do it.
	I had a goatee and sideburns, and then I shaved it.
	It was not a good look.
	So I was like, let's trim it down.
	Yeah, going with different body hair is a unique thing.
	You know, there's only the thing I don't love about body hair, there's only so many places you can grow it.
	Yeah, like I don't, even like my pubic hair, like it's not like a bush, it's stringy.
	Right.
	Like it's like my pubs almost look like your hair, like long, mullet, like, but then I'll have bushy hair like on the back of my neck and stuff.
	Don told me at the Atlanta punchline, you forgot your pants once.
	No, it was in Huntsville.
	Huntsville, you forgot your pants.
	Yeah, oh, yeah.
	This was a while ago.
	He didn't have to give you his pants.
	No, no, no.
	The opener.
	Yep, there was some guy who was living in a van.
	Remember that guy?
	Yeah, dude.
	I saw that guy not long ago.
	He lives in Nashville, I think.
	Yeah, I saw him performing.
	I think it was in Nashville.
	I saw him at a comedy show.
	Nice guy.
	I think he quit living in the van, but that guy lived in a van for a long time.
	He wore his pants on stage.
	I didn't have a choice, bro.
	How'd you forget your pants?
	And I hit him hard, too.
	I think that's when I was opening for Funny Mane.
	No, you, yeah.
	I mean, he did like a one-night thing, and they bumped us up.
	So I opened, you featured, and then Funny Man closed.
	And he shouldn't have followed you.
	I think it was different times.
	Yeah.
	I didn't really have a following.
	Then I'm just starting to catch some, maybe a little bit of opportunity.
	You took off right after that.
	Yeah.
	I got to tell you, by the way, you look really tan on that screen there.
	Dude, you look so good.
	I was working out at the gym on a rooftop yesterday.
	Nice.
	So it's one of the things.
	Like a full gym on a rooftop?
	They opened up a gym rooftop and you can be up there and do weights.
	And so I was up there.
	Thank you, though.
	No, you.
	So I think I got a little bit of sun and I've been trying to wash my skin.
	Nice.
	Nice.
	And your head looks and your hair look great.
	My hair looks good.
	Yeah, I just want you both to know.
	You look terrific.
	But my face looks a little swollen today.
	No, not on camera.
	I don't know.
	It has the opposite effect.
	Like, you look fat in real life, but on camera.
	Yeah.
	You look like if they discovered your skeleton, they'd be like, oh, this is like, you have a prehistoric look.
	Yeah, Neanderthal head.
	Yeah.
	But you think women like that, though?
	Oh, I think it attracts them at a base level that somebody like me or Dom can't replicate.
	Nice.
	Are you performing a lot, Dom?
	What's going on?
	Yeah, man.
	Yeah, at the funny bones.
	And side splitters.
	I got side splitters coming up.
	So I'm going to go be in that thing with a tooth.
	Would you stay in that condo?
	Bobby Jewel, the man that he sold it.
	So they have a new condo now.
	New condo.
	Thank goodness.
	I thought it was a legend down there.
	Oh, legend, man.
	I've definitely.
	Yeah, we've all been through it.
	I was in Tampa last night, man.
	I went to a place called the Tampa Pizza Company, and I got the Fettuccine Alfredo, and it was awesome.
	And I burnt my mouth on it.
	I still feel the effects of that right now.
	That's good.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	But it was great, dude.
	I did the Tampa Theater.
	You ever do the Tampa Theater?
	Gorgeous place, man.
	Haunted, but it was gorgeous.
	I'm at St. Petersburg.
	I'm at St. Petersburg in a couple of weeks down there.
	Yeah.
	St. Petersburg's beautiful, man.
	And we're doing one out at the improv, actually, too.
	Best way to do it.
	We got a night off.
	Yeah.
	So.
	Best way to do it, man.
	I'm going to sign with your, I signed with your agent.
	Oh, yeah.
	Well, it's a week.
	Yeah, because imagine I didn't.
	And my current HD is like, what?
	I might get nervous, man.
	No, look, I think, look, good.
	At least I'm just grateful that we're able to go places and do shows.
	That's been the tough thing about living in Nashville is that there's not a place to perform.
	You go to Zanis too much, right?
	You don't go to Zany's?
	But you can't do it.
	It's not the same.
	It's not the same as having workout rooms where you can.
	Yeah, the headliner club.
	You can't just pop in like you can at the comedy store or the comedy cellar.
	Well, you can, but it's like, it's like a lot of people that go to a lot of shows.
	So you're seeing a lot of the same people, which is fine.
	It's great.
	It's just not, it's not where I can go and do three sets.
	Like this week, I probably did or last week, I probably did like 12 sets, you know?
	In LA.
	Yeah.
	Which for me, it's like, that's like a time where I can learn.
	Like I feel like by the 11th show, it's like I'm cooking with gas.
	Like I'm not, I have no fear that anybody in the joint is going to do any better than me.
	No, no.
	But I'm going to spend more time here because I got to do more practicing.
	Good.
	Right.
	But your permanent residence is not here.
	My permanent residence is not here.
	No.
	It's in Nashville.
	I'm a legal resident of Tennessee.
	Wow.
	So you don't, so you, so you, Tennessee doesn't have income tax either, right?
	There's no state.
	No state tax, yeah.
	Right.
	Oh, so you're good, man.
	Well, one of the blessings, too, is just that if you go touring out of there, they have all the tour buses and stuff.
	So that's really nice is just to be able to like go do a string based out of there.
	It's like.
	Yeah, you can't find a wife in Nashville, man.
	I probably can.
	There's some nice women there, dude.
	I think so.
	Find your girl with a piece of camo.
	What about Puerto Ricans?
	That's good, dude.
	Puerto Ricans are good.
	They have good wives, dude, and good mothers.
	Oh, I would like something from another country.
	Yeah.
	What about Nicaraguan?
	Go back to your roots.
	I wouldn't, but I got to get down there.
	That's the thing.
	It's like, you got to get down there.
	You got to plan.
	Hey, you got to be there for a couple of weeks.
	You can't stop.
	You know, you can't hurry in a week.
	But I wouldn't mind.
	I'm open to it.
	I'm going to start asking God, hey, God, I am willing to meet someone.
	Are you dating mostly white women?
	I'm dating women that are some of them, a good amount of them are white women.
	Right.
	But I am not sentenced to that.
	I'm okay to any type of woman.
	Right.
	Able-bodied woman.
	I have DM'd with women that are all types of women.
	You got to find a woman that doesn't know you.
	Know who you are.
	That's harder and harder, though, man.
	Just women.
	Amish, maybe.
	Yeah.
	Or go to China.
	Or mercenary.
	What is it called?
	Oh, Mennonite?
	Mennonite.
	Amish or Mennonite.
	Yeah, because they can't have electronics or hasidic jewish woman that'd be a nice call for you too cids baby go hard yeah we'll see i mean i'm open to i'm open to anything so you got a lady right now uh no no no uh recently no but it's good dude you're gonna find love though you got a good heart yeah i've always said about both of you very genuine i'm not being well he's already got love this guy's doing fine this guy yeah i got a lot of cholesterol man yeah in my heart i definitely am
	gonna go home and probably have more popcorn like i usually do and popcorn's not terrible for you though man it's not terrible but it's not a family you know right it's not a right you know right i get it man it's not that so i'm not like lamenting it it's just like i'm just getting to the point where it's like okay i'm feeling like this is a possibility what are you you're are you 40 yet i'm 40 yeah yeah so if you're 40 yeah that that's when the you know you're the male's biological clock starts kicking in yeah you know but i think you could do it man especially because you look like um
	you look like matt damon from the last duel yeah a lot of people have been tagging yeah so so i think like he had a wife you know and it didn't work out really she came with land though she came with land oh huh yeah one of them acre babes homie yeah i like it man you look it's like an andre agassy look yeah from in the 90s when he was winning though you know what i mean dude you're gonna you're gonna find love thanks man 100 yeah i think you won't do that but here's the thing that that been an issue is committing to the love when i get in some love you should can
	you accept love i don't know somebody that sounded like a vote of unconfidence no dude i'm with you bro really yeah it's a celsius live fitest live it did not sound like you're into it yeah no dude i'm like you believe in me it's just it's deep dude you know i ate the delta food did you yeah oh if you eat at high altitudes bro that's all gas yeah
	that's all gas yeah dude the fact that they even feed people at that altitude is insane it's insane it's japanese man it's got to it's like a lithium battery that's going to explode this thing is a game show yeah bro it's such a game show man yeah man i think i think love is um i don't know how it's going to happen for you or who it's going to happen with it might not not even be a female but it's it's happening you know i want a female you want that but that might not be what the universe wants for you you know what i mean
	i'm not living with some man i'm not living with some sexual man dude it's it's one of those things where like i said man love finds you you don't find love and if it's a man or an animal or you know well i wouldn't mind getting a pup or getting something like that to start off the the commitment you know and so that's what i'm thinking of but i don't know what kind of animal i would get that i would then you know want to saunter around with to have to take around a lot because it's not all about sex either that's the other way to sale yeah yeah yeah
	i'm willing to do sex but that's also like yeah as you get older it's not it's just like i want somebody awesome to be around yeah weird how unimportant that comes yeah i don't i you know it's yeah i don't care about it as much i mean you know because it's like it's kind of like you've done it enough where it's like i i you know when you masturbate it's like that's the best you know that it is because it's it's all you but so i don't need to have sex anymore and we burned it out as a society we burned sex used to be that it was like that secret thing and how are they gonna do it and you gotta sneak you gotta somebody's gotta draw
	a picture of how you do it you know when you're like you know you you don't even know what's going on somebody's behind you pushing you into the woman like dude it used to be totally different and now it's just like everywhere people there's ejaculate everywhere there's advertisements to to to uh get more ejaculate in your body it's just like what's it's all it's just we burned it out man yeah in the civil war they used to have um one of the generals general hooker that's where the term hooker comes from is he would have prostitutes
	follow him and even more so everybody wanted to be in his platoon and they would fight harder for him because they had uh an artist that they would protect at all costs that would draw women that they would meet on the road and that was like the porn and they would jerk off to that porn it's crazy and sex is like is it is is all in it's all intertwined like in history like the french when in world war ii when the french were getting invaded by the germans yeah the french they let them have sex with women and prostitutes and
	a lot of them were fighting with venereal diseases where hitler and the germans said you are not if you have if we catch you having sex with a woman you're gonna get shot on the spot so the nazis didn't have stds that was one of their biggest superpowers just meth where a lot yeah they and they had panzer chocolate which was crystal meth but that's what it was called panzer chocolat imagine doing meth and not being able to have any sex yeah dude it's crazy so but but but that's a big thing is is is you know sex is is intertwined with with even our history but if you remove it if you can remove the urge for
	sex then you remove almost you remove 99 of your problems right truthfully you do you know it's all sex everything we're doing subconsciously is for sex yeah that's what it is it may not and you know sometimes it's right out in the open sometimes it's not but if you can just say to my and it's difficult it's almost impossible to do but if you could do it that's what monks do when they meditate when they're sitting there meditating for 20 hours a day they're not getting to a deeper place they are getting demons they're basically just humming till they ejaculate that's what it is they're just basically not having sex
	and thinking about sex yeah to remove it that's what eunuchs that's why eunuchs were so powerful because you had the you know the the thought was you had the aggression and the brain of a man but you you weren't you weren't distracted by sex that's why they cut your nuts off they can think clearly yeah that's what the eunuchs would run the ancient priests like right after you come they would run that exactly dude they're forever the eunuch had forever just ejaculated and we've gotten in that place of society where sex isn't even that big of a deal it's just like it used to be that big of a deal
	you needed 15 children you needed the land on you don't need any of it anymore and also sexting and porn like you can just you can you can sex with the uh the opposite sex and and fulfill your needs you don't have to put the insert in them anymore and they don't have to jump on you you don't have to well that's one nice thing about taking a break from dating it had me a little bit of there was a little bit of a reset from like just that the pattern it's nice of like one you know like feeling like you have to did you find did you find more discipline in that or like more yourself like more structured
	way yeah i found like there was things that i like to do that i'd just even forgotten about that's great right you know yeah dude i mean if you can just if you can if you we don't realize how distracted we are every day even you know sometimes i'll be at home with my children all day but i'll be on the phone scrolling or saying i got to work i got to think of it and i realize i haven't looked at my daughter's face in 10 hours and it's like you know so now i try to just put my phone away yeah if i can you know unless there's a something important but then just put it on now i'm like i used to go for
	a long time i used to say i hate talking on the phone just text me but now it's the it's come full circle for me now i'm like i'd rather you call me because then i can just get off the phone with you and i don't have to text and be because if i start texting you and i get sucked in but if i'm on the phone i i hang it up and i put it down but if you're texting me i'm texting you and then i don't text i'm looking at instagram looking at the news i'm looking at the same bullshit over and over and over again and siri has a lisp in her ears dude i i've never met an incapable woman as siri or man you know whatever i think she's persuaded i don't even
	know what she is but i've never met anybody that doesn't know what the i'm talking about yeah like she doesn't know at all she's chinese she comes from china when no when you do the voice recognition thing when you voice to text unbelievable yeah you might as well eat your own ass outside dude yeah man um great to have you guys thanks for coming in um what should where's the tour at man tell me about it so baby listen february 11th i'm at the warner theater in washington dc february 12th
	at the tabernacle in atlanta and then we got march 4th and 5th in cleveland at the agora theater and detroit at royal oak uh uh and that is with mr don de petto will be there we got the chrissy chaos podcast thursdays 11 a.m eastern time hey babe with sambolcano um chrissy chaos tuesdays 11 a.m eastern time hey babe thursdays 11 a.m eastern time chrisdcomedy.com for all my tickets we're on a theater tour going all the way to the end of april and i appreciate you having me man and i hope that uh i hope that we find love dude and
	if even if it's with this transgender it doesn't have to be a biological woman is what i'm saying i think if you do that then you're closing yourself off and they don't have to be vaccinated i am not taking a lot i am hope i i i appreciate your hope for me and some of it i don't okay i would like a woman and i am open to anybody the universe brings me i am open to love the universe gonna bring you a woman just for a couple of weeks see open it up to more than that see what happens if i'm if i'm gay i would be shocked if i am gay yeah yeah
	but if i met a man one day and i was like jesus christ i love this man i don't know i could i don't think i would be gay for him but you just can't get past some certain things i get it no i want a wife is what i'm saying yeah so that's even as much as i can even think about it i think i think i don't mind being around somebody driving somewhere with a guy if we're going to a race like we're all going somewhere people are going somewhere yes i'll ride with this guy this is my friend i'll go somewhere with him i'll talk to guys like this i don't
	want anything really beyond that in my life but if you could use guys to help with women like i'm saying don't just discount us like for example i've said this many times i fall in love with men i have sex with women right like we've had a stimulating conversation oh yeah and i'm falling in love with you guys but i'm gonna want to go home i'm have sex with a woman right so if that's gay that's gay you know what i mean i'm not maybe you're brain gay but body straight there you go yeah i'm brain gay brain gay maybe that'll be the title of this episode dude brain
	gay brain gay body straight i love it dom where are you gonna be at uh where are we at coming up i got the dates in march with him uh i'm gonna be at side splitters uh early june like three through six and uh dude i'm just in town working at time just you know that's it where are you gonna be where are you gonna be let me see i am at um you gotta be something well you're gonna be in i'm at i'm in jacksonville on february 2nd i'm at st. Petersburg on February 3rd on
	February 4th I'm in Tampa or St. Yeah, St. Petersburg and I'm in Orlando February 5th.
	Nice.
	Then I'm in Rockford, Illinois, February 25th and Chicago, Illinois, February 26th.
	It's going to be good, dude.
	Yeah.
	And the Wilton in Los Angeles, May 7th.
	Some fun dates.
	So, yeah.
	Grateful you guys came in, man.
	Thanks for coming in and spending time today, man.
	I love it, dude.
	Yeah, I'm excited about y'all getting out there and making people laugh, man.
	Y'all bring me a lot of joy.
	So thanks, man.
	Thank you, brother.
	Thank you.
	Now, I'm just footing on the breeze.
	And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.
	I found I can feel it in my bones.
	But it's gonna take a little time for me to step that pocket pocket.
	Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you And I've been moving
	Moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of past.
	And these wheels that I've been riding on, their walls so thin that they're damn near gone.
	I guess now they just weren't built to lay.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Hi, Sweet.
	Is it deal?
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	Jamain.
	I'll take a quarter powder with cheese and a McFlurry.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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