Theo talks about the lack of North Pole intel, almost getting scammed for his wand chowder, and we hear back from a listener who is now UPSTAIRS! Merry Christmas. Gang.
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Is there something interfering with your happiness?
Oh, yeah.
There always is a little something, you know, or there might be, there might not be.
Hell, if you're joy, if you've joyed out, then you've won and you're doing well and you don't need this.
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Join the over a million people who have taken charge of their mental health.
If you need help, betterhelp.com slash T-H-E-O.
This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp.
And TPW listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Theo.
Today's episode is brought to you also by Liquid Death.
Grateful for them.
Merry Christmas to you.
Happy holidays.
It's that time, you know, it's just that time.
It's that time to slow it down.
It's that time to just really just straighten out that snake.
You know, to just to even things out.
To close up all the, if you got a couple Pandora's boxes open, it's time to shut them down.
It's a time for joy.
You know, a time to give joy and receive it as well as you can.
You know, get out there.
Tickle somebody.
Tickle a damn neighbor.
Tickle a trash fellow.
The guy's getting the garbage.
Sneak around the truck.
Tickle his ass.
You know, do something.
Bring some joy to somebody.
You know, hug a brother.
Get out there and hug a damn brother.
You know.
Hug a white woman.
Email somebody.
Email a Filipino or a Dominican or somebody that you've never met.
A different specie, a different ethnicity.
Broaden your horizons, you know.
Be a stand for decency if you can.
Be somebody who's who just, you just, you just got a love gun and that bitch is full.
And you just pop, pop, pop, pop.
You drilling people with joy.
You can do it.
Get a nice gift for someone.
You know, get somebody something they can use.
If you have a, maybe you got a buddy who's never been to the beach.
Give him a little bucket of sand or something.
Give his wife a half bucket.
Maybe somebody don't have legs or something.
You know, get them, draw a picture of them with legs and say, hey, man, this is how I see you.
You know, I see you complete.
You know, do something.
We had a, you know, if somebody doesn't have a tongue, we had a fella didn't have a tongue bust and somebody wrote down all the flavors on a piece of poster board so he could point at them when he was enjoying something.
Look, it's tart.
Look, it's, you know, fruit-based or whatever.
Oh, shit, this has lead in it, and he'd point at lead.
You know, help somebody out.
You know, just be a stand for decency if you can this time of year.
You have a buddy that's never been outdoors.
Get him a tree.
Get him a little tree.
Bring it inside.
Get him a little, you know, get him a bird call or something.
Hide behind the tree.
Say, hey, this is what it's like.
If you ever want to do so, you want to be brave.
You know, we had a cousin that couldn't read and somebody got him a damn book, and that's not good.
You know, because that's really, get him a letter, draw a big letter on a thing.
Say, hey, this is it.
L, M, R. You know, don't, you don't want to ruin somebody's day either.
You know, somebody can't, you know, I remember he couldn't read.
They gave him a book and everybody's like, you know, because he can't, you know, you can't put a toddler on Mount Everest.
You got to put him on an anthill first.
You got to think.
But you got to love, baby, and that's what time of year it is.
And I'm happy to be here with you.
And Merry Christmas, you know, Merry Christmas.
You know, damn, just get out there and just damn tell somebody.
Merry Christmas, damn it.
Damn.
Just if you got to damn ring somebody's neck, if they don't get it, give it to them.
Merry Christmas.
You tell them it's that time of year.
Let's head in with a couple of beautiful tunes right here.
You got somebody that likes to fish.
Get them a fish.
Get him a damn fish.
Save them some time.
You know, get them a carp.
Bring that bitch home for them.
You got somebody that likes Animalia.
Trap an eagle for them.
Trap a damn American eagle for them and bring it home for, you know, just for an hour.
Let it loose, baby.
That's God's NFT, baby.
Let it loose, but bring it home.
It's that time of year.
You got somebody that likes to swim.
Get some water.
Bring it up.
Get you a bucket of water.
Get you a sponge.
And just cut that corner.
They don't have to go to the pool today.
Say, I got you, Ronnie.
I'm going to dampen your legs up.
I'm going to squeeze this sponge out on your back.
Squeeze this water on your back.
I'm going to let you, you know, I'll even blow a whistle.
I'll even have, you know, have your cousin dress up as a lifeguard and blow a whistle once.
We got you, Bubby.
You ain't got to go to the pool today.
We're bringing the pool home.
God bless.
piano plays softly
That is Julian, Julian Bren with joy to the world.
And wouldn't it be great if you could do it like that?
If you could just snap a finger and people would just be joyed out.
Just women just smiling so big they get lipstick on their earlobes.
People just riddled with happiness.
Riddled with comfort.
Like they just swallowed a damn duvet cover.
Just like they ingested damn nine throw pillows.
Just full of comfort.
Wouldn't that be magnificent?
I think that's what I got to hope for this time of year is that is just to, you know, I get caught up in that in the peril, you know.
I get caught up sometimes in the peril, in that, in that dirt, in that dirt oyster.
And I'm in there just sifting around for peril.
But the joy is just out in the world.
You know, the joy is if I choose to, if I choose to be happy, you know, it's a choice I have to make.
It's hard sometimes, but this is the time of year to make it.
You know, this is the time of year, damn, see a little child and just damn, you know, draw a damn mark on the beast on his back while he's sleeping.
You know, put his shirt back on, surprises folks.
You know, I remember one time we do it.
We had this fellow named Scotty on our bus, little Scotty.
And I think he was, I don't know if he was, he was not deranged or whatever, but he wasn't, you know, they had decided he wasn't going to do well.
You know, he wasn't going to end up top shelf, but he was milling around.
He was a middle licker at the time.
And we, you know, I don't know who did it.
I could have, you know, who knows who did it, but people drew swa stick on his back.
And nobody knew what it meant.
Nobody knew that it was anti-Semitic or, you know, they just seen it on pamphlets or whatever you find in the woods.
But, but anyway, I don't even know what that story's about.
But anyway, Merry Christmas to you.
And it's that time of year, you know, it's that time of year where you could really just hear, you know, you could hear Santa just tightening up them boots.
Just screw, just putting his fat, just damn, just gristle hoofs.
You could hear them boots just squeal.
Just squealing.
Like, damn, can we hold Santa again?
And you could hear him, you know, you could hear him just tighten that belt up.
Just that's the sound that buckle makes, baby.
That buckle can't hold him.
And as cookie crumbs fall across that buckle, because he's having one more little cut, one more little dose, one more little upper before he hits that ride, baby.
You can hear that belt just like, and you just hear him and he just, shoo, shoo.
He just puts his feet into the sleigh.
And he's in there.
And his wife comes over, and it could be his second wife now.
We haven't got a lot of intel, you know, from that far north, I think.
The only person even up there anymore is Damn Dexter and his new season.
And that's it.
Science, light science.
And I think the Titanic has still crashed up there.
But there's not a lot of intel coming out of the North Pole.
So he could be on his second wife, you know.
Some big, you know, breasted out Latina rolls up with them, you know, them big funtlerois, them milky fontleroys on her.
And she whispers something naughty in his ear, you know.
Something, you know.
And she might be dating one of the reindeer on the side.
Who knows?
I mean, things have changed and times are different.
And the reindeer is out there, Don or Dance or Lil Daddy is, you know, they got a brother and then, you know, Lil Daddy's out there.
You know, they got probably Vato.
They got a Spanish one.
It's a different ball, you know, it's changed up.
They got on Dancer, on Cupid.
Cupid's a little, you know, Cupid likes men and women.
That's his bag, whatever.
All aboard.
You know, Transistor is one of them, probably.
And he's double-jointed down in the freaking root.
You know, he's crotched out that crotchety bad boy.
But hey, that's it.
And that's the squad.
You play with who you got.
Ben Simmons is, you know, I'm saying, you got all types.
You got everybody out there.
Maybe a little bit, maybe a German out there, maybe an Israeli out there.
You got some, you know, all types of, you know, duster.
You got one of the reindeers just damn addicted to huffing keyboard cleanser.
And you can't blame him.
But that's the time of year it is, man.
And you can just, you know, you got to believe that something more unique is happening than what is just occurring in front of us.
That's what I have to do.
You don't have to.
I'm not telling you to.
But I have to believe if I want things to be different or seem different or I got to believe that there's magic in the air.
And this is a wonderful time of year to do that.
So Merry Christmas to you.
I love you.
Gang.
What's happening?
What's happening?
Oh, I went to UFC 269.
And dude, it was, my God.
I got there.
And it was, I mean, it was, so I went with David Spade.
You know him.
And he's fancy, you know, he's pretty fancy.
You know, he's Tommy Boy, Joe Dirt.
You know, that, you know, he's that rascal.
You know, he's that rascal, man.
You cut on a damn rascal fountain and he'll fly, you know, he's the first, he's the first flow out that bitch.
And man, we were geeked up.
We went, we made some bets at the betting window at the Wynn Motel.
We were staying at the Wynn Motel and we made some bets over there at the betting window, which was pretty cool, kind of old-fashioned.
There's not a lot of different parlay.
You just walk up and you say, okay, I want this guy or this horse or, you know, or this woman.
You know, there's just a couple options.
So we did that.
We laid some bets down and then we went over to the fight.
So we get there.
Dude, we're sitting right behind Dana White.
Like, I mean, like, if he got COVID, we got COVID.
You know, if he still even had even a vid or a co or a OV, we got, you know, we were right there.
We was breathing the same.
We was just volleyballing air.
And that was amazing.
And then David's sitting next to me, then next to him, Hallie Berry from damn movies, from damn, you know, wherever she's from.
You know, I don't even know.
Gorgeous town, you know, fine as fuckington.
I don't know where she's from, but she just looked damn vibrant.
She looked like a shooting star.
It just landed right in her damn heart.
And it was just coming out of her eyes when she talked to you.
And I mean, it just, damn, I mean, every time, you know, when you're, it just, and she loved fighting.
So she was, we're sitting there just chatting about the fights.
And, yeah, that was it.
That was, you know, that was really interesting.
Then who else?
Oh, Tommy Lee, the famous musician, was there.
Jared Leto was there.
Beautiful guy.
Dear God.
I mean, you look at the guy and you're like, damn.
You're like, damn, I don't know if this dude is.
I mean, is this dude fine as fuck?
Like, you're just, you're like, and you're not, you a straight man.
You're like, is this dude fine as fuck?
This dude's hotter than probably some of the girlfriends I've ever had.
Certainly more than my first girlfriend was really, really strong girl.
Probably six, six foot at the time.
And we were small.
And I remember she would, and I've told this story before, she would pick me up at the bus stop and she'd put me around her waist and kiss me like that.
Just straight on kiss me like a damn God.
And she, I think she shaved, even.
I think she shaved a little bit around her mouth and she would just.
Because I remember in the winter when she would kiss me, it would burn my face a little.
I just remember my face just feeling like, damn, like I'd just done a damn business meeting or something.
And it was just a lot, you know, and she played, I think she played softball.
I don't even know if we had a softball team.
She played somewhere.
But she said she did anyway.
She wore the uniform and she was always punching the mitt.
Damn, I don't know, but she definitely had her way with me, that beautiful girl.
What else?
But yeah, the fights were amazing, dude.
I got to see Dominic Cruz.
So Dominic Cruz is a fighter.
He's an American fighter.
And he looked like Tom Cruise.
He's wearing, he had already had his fight, and we got there after that.
So I knew he'd won because I'd been following him online, but I didn't get to be there and see it.
But he's dressed down.
Now he's in street clothes.
And so, you know, he's just being ready.
He has sunglasses on.
He comes up and we're talking.
And I'm thinking, like, I don't.
And then I realized, oh, my God, this is freaking Dominic Cruz.
So that was crazy.
Justin Gaci was there.
He literally just backstage, just like, who can I fight?
Who can I fight?
So that was really magnificent.
Thug Rose.
I mean, it was just crazy.
Just getting to see all the fighters.
John Anick was there.
DC.
You know, just getting to be in that world for a little while.
Al Jermaine Sterlings.
Plus all the fighters that were doing the fighting.
So it was just, man, I felt like I was in a damn, I was just, I just felt so much possibility, like I was in a damn fallopian tube.
You know, just damn any, just the world, just, God, I just felt like anything was possible.
Yeah, so that was great.
Obviously, I was really, you know, just, I was bummed out, not disappointed that Dustin didn't get the victory, but, but he's a champ, you know, he's a champ.
And he knows it, and it is what it is, and there'll be many more battles.
And yeah.
And so that was my, I'm trying to think of anything else that happened while I was there.
Oh, they had one point where they got Spade on the TV where they like said, you know, said he's there.
And I was sitting right next to him and some woman came over with her kid to get a photo.
And she's like, will you get a photo with my son?
And I got up to get the photo right when they were like going to video Spade sitting there.
So I kind of missed some of my audio visual time on the show.
But whatever, man, it was just, dude, it was.
And then you look and there's just so many fans and people are just amped up.
People are beating each other in the crowd.
Just fucking, somebody brought a scale and people were, they were weighing each other in the crowd.
They're like, you weigh 130, you weigh 130, and people were just fighting.
Women against men, senior citizens against damn fucking just cement toddlers, just everybody just fucking annihilating each other.
And that was it, man.
That was it.
What else?
All right, let's get into a little bit of news here.
Oh, man.
I like water, don't you?
I like it.
I'm glad they have it.
Imagine if they didn't have water and you just always had to drink something.
What would I have?
Dr. Pepper would kill.
If you had a soda, it would kill you if you had just so much of it.
Anyway, Jake Paul right here knocks out Tyron Woodley in the sixth round to win the rematch.
Good.
Good.
What else?
Louis C.K. criticized for releasing the new stand-up special, Sorry.
His last special was great.
If you didn't see it, I know it's on his website.
I'm excited to watch this one, so I'll just tune in and watch it.
You know, that's what I'll do.
I'll tune in and watch it.
He was nominated for a Grammy this year for his other special, Sincerely.
So he's back, you know.
And yeah, on that fight, I guess just on that Woodley-Paul fight, Woodley doesn't throw enough punches, you know, and the fight is just a lot of like punch, inter, you know, clutch or, you know, hug, punch, hug, punch, hug.
They should lose a point if they hug.
They should lose a point if they hug.
Or see who's willing to take it to second base.
If you're hugging, whoever, you know, who's willing to, you know, go even further a little.
You know what I'm saying?
No, my bruh.
But, you know, because y'all fighting or y'all loving?
Those boys, because it's just, those fights, it's a lot of just punch hug, punch hug.
A lot of the kind of like these trailer fights or select, you know, the select, this whole new Zydeco of fighting this new realm.
It's a lot of punch hugging.
And damn Woodley got knocked out.
God.
It was painful.
And at the same time, I'm just damn jealous.
You know, I'm like, God, I just, I'd love to be able to just sleep like that.
The rest, the immediate, it takes me so long to get to bed at night.
And the rest he got, I mean, it was just immediate.
You know, no counting sheep, no somebody sitting there reading you a book.
And you're an adult and you're like, why in the, who is this?
Who's reading to me?
None of that.
No melatonin and none of it.
Just good night.
Good night.
Hello, good night.
And so that was just, man, that's the part I'm envious.
It should be a Hampton Inn commercial.
Want to get some rest?
Bam.
Try the Jake Paul suite.
That's what I got on that.
Any more news?
Not much.
I want to let you know, though, I got some new tour dates That you can check out, and I'm grateful for them.
February 2nd, I'll be in Jacksonville, Florida.
The 3rd, St. Petersburg.
The 5th, I'll be in Orlando.
The 24th, I'll be in Lafayette, Indiana.
The 25th, Rockford, Illinois, home of the Rockford Peaches.
And that's America's team right there, female ball.
February 26th, Chicago, Illinois.
May 6th in Tulsa.
May 7th in Los Angeles.
Yeah, I just want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays.
And happy Kwanzaa if you do that.
Happy Ramadan.
If you do that, happy damn leap year.
Whatever you celebrate.
Whatever you celebrate, I want to wish you it.
You know, happy birthday.
If your birthday's on Christmas, man, you fucked.
But happy birthday to you.
Nobody cares, but you do.
And that's got to be hectic.
But, oh, well, you're fucked.
Yeah.
Can you imagine having a birthday on Christmas?
You walk out with a birthday cake and everybody's like, who care?
Could you imagine that?
You're like, hey, come over here while I blow out the candles.
And people were like, blow out my nuts, son.
Santa's here.
Santa's here.
You know, when I was a kid, I can remember you would, somebody in our town one time when I was a child, they would fly a, like a small plane, a crop duster or something.
They would, I swear to God, they hooked like a trail of reindeer or something behind, like not real ones, but, you know, just, I don't know if it was thin sheep or it could have been cardboard.
It could have been damn emaciated ponies.
I don't know.
It could have been stuff, you know, I don't remember, but they flew a plane around town and they would blast Christmas music out of it.
And it was just so amazing.
You know, it was just so amazing.
Because I remember my mom took us out on the porch and I got to look up at the sky and it was like a sleigh.
It felt like a sleigh.
Like when you're a kid, it's like that's Santa's sleigh going by and you could hear the music and you're just like, oh my God, it's real.
And I don't know if that was a city thing they did.
I don't know what that was.
I don't know if that was a, you know, if that was privately funded.
I mean, it could have been, you know, it could have said Pfizer on the back of the thing.
I don't remember.
As a kid, I don't remember.
But I think it was just somebody around town had said, I'm going to make today, I'm going to make this better somehow for not just myself.
I'm going to do something to make this better for others, you know.
And it was magical.
It was magical.
And I even asked my mother about this not long ago, and she remembers it.
She remembers it.
She remembers that somebody went buying a damn crop duster and was blaring music.
That's how she remembers it kind of, but I just remember it as just being magic.
I want to say that if you had high-interest loan, I've had them.
I've had damn 17.70 or something.
One of my loans, I think, was $40.58.
I said, well, damn, why don't I, you know, I don't want this.
It's a blender.
I don't want this blender.
That thing was damn $20, and I just got screwed into it at the mercantile.
They said, you want the card too?
You want the option?
It's free today.
Damn, $18 or something.
I said, all right, I'll take it.
You know, $140 later, you know, every time I turn the bitch on, I just hear myself losing money.
Just damn poor.
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Oh, people usually wait till After the holidays, to get healthy, I do it.
I say, you know what?
I was going to start that diet, but I'm going to start this batch of cookies instead.
I was going to start the, you know, I was going to go for that jog, but instead, I'm going to jog my tongue across these damn gingersnap.
You know, I'm going to hide a ginger snap in somebody's ass and go have it.
I'm going to treat myself.
Well, now you can kind of kill two birds with one stone.
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Man, my ex-girlfriend got a Peloton bike and God, God, she looks good.
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You just got to create that pattern.
What sets Peloton apart is just they got the good music.
They're dialed in with the latest video and audio support.
It's just, you don't feel alone when you're using Peloton.
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Peloton.
When your workout is a joy, it's a joy to work out.
It's just about creating that pattern.
Finding just whatever is easiest for you to create that pattern.
And I believe that Peloton is that.
I want to let you know if your testosterone is low, if your balls is feeling shallow, if you shallowed out in your nuts, if you're really feeling hollowed out, if your balls feel like somebody knock on them, it would make a loud like that.
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That's not good.
What I'm telling you about is if you are experiencing symptoms like low energy, fatigue, erectile dysfunction, low sex driver libido or libido, anxiety, brain fog, enlarged breast tissue, bloating, headaches, it could all be an indicator that you're low in testosterone.
Some of it could be.
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That's LGC for Let's Get Checked.
trylgc.com slash tho for 30 percent off your entire order at trylgc.com slash theo you know it definitely is a good uh it's good to know your levels because they'll change and then if you're going to get on it i recommend getting on to a um keeps or a hem something also because your hair can can adjust you can lose that uh that flow if you don't hold
on to it while you adjust your testosterone levels so just some thoughts from my experiences um i want to let you know we got uh new be good to yourself colorways merch available now hoodies crew necks and tees also available is the i'm upstairs collection baby let them know where you are what do you i'm upstairs and the new get that hitter bait and
tackle collection they got these hats right there them brims baby catch that fish in comfort check out that and more at theovonstore.com that's theovonstore.com all right as we get to these calls um let's listen to one more little christmas deal here see what say this is from 1960s pop christmas the shakeabouts
We'll see you next time.
okay that's a bit much that made me want to damn eat my cousin's cat son not doing that let's listen to this one the eggnog boogie by chiminy givers okay that's a little bit much trying to relax over here we'll try one more um the first no and
this is by the shakeabouts And
that makes you want to reach for another cookie, doesn't it?
Damn, it makes you want to reach for another cookie.
There you go.
And that is the first novel.
And look, I like my music.
I want my Christmas.
I don't care if the house burns down.
I want to be settled somewhere, the fireplace going, or somebody drew a fireplace and pinned it up.
And I want that music.
I don't care if the house burns down as long as I can hear a peaceful tune.
I don't care if we never see the cat again.
I don't care.
I just want to relax and hear a peaceful Christmas tune and have me a little cookie.
The cookies I like, the ones that moms make with just the sugar on them, or the ones that have the star in them.
And they're star-shaped.
You know, mom gets the cutter, puts it in there.
And the stocking one, moms make the stocking one.
Those burn for some reason.
The back of those always burn up.
But them bitches good.
You know, I like them.
I like cookies that are burnt.
I like the burnt cookie because you got somebody to complain at.
I like a cookie that comes with a reason for me to bitch at the end of it.
You know, hey, the fuck.
The fuck.
And you still, oh, I'll have four more.
I'll have four more of them burnt bitches, but you're going to hear about it.
You're going to hear about it.
Amen.
Let's get into some calls, man.
You guys have had some good ones, and I'm happy to address some of them.
Thank you, as always, for hitting the hotline.
985-664-9503.
All right.
Brother man, this is Joey Donnets calling from Manhattan.
Joey Donnets, baby, from Manhattan.
Them sugar circles, baby.
Blessing us, baby.
With them glucose O's, baby Donnets, dog.
From the big city, baby, up there in Big Apple country.
Big Apple, baby, gang, Dominicans.
So I've got a big date lined up in a few days.
We've got a couple mutual friends.
We went to the same school.
But, you know, I barely know this, Chica.
I just wanted some advice, you know.
What do you talk about?
What should I say?
First date, I'm a little nervous.
Let me know what's going on, brother man.
Gang, baby, I appreciate the question there.
And sorry to cut you off, man, but I can.
And here's the first date move.
Here's the first date move.
You take the lady to a maternity ward.
Take her to the local hospital.
I used to do this move when I was a child, pre-teen, or teen, you know.
Soon as I was, you know, virile or whatever, sexually mature, as they called it in science or pre-science.
I don't know what we took, but I got to be.
But as soon as you're sexually mature and you have a date, you should take her to the infirmary or a maternity ward.
Here's what I would do.
I would take the, because we didn't have a lot of attractions in our area.
You know, you could see maybe there had been a fire.
You could go over there.
You could park by the water, you know, which is fun, but it just, it leaves other, the other people coming to park by the water are usually deviant.
You know, somebody out there smoking a pill or people that want to have sex outdoors.
And when you're still a youngster, you want to take her somewhere that's at least decently lit, you know, so her parents don't get upset.
So what I found was the maternity ward, you take her in there because you see the babies are in there.
And you show a girl the baby, that tells her right there, A, you're a family man.
You're about that life, okay?
You're about life.
You're about, I mean, you're looking at actual, because the windows there, the babies are in there.
They got them in there, you know, in the little, you know, vestibules or whatever.
So you get to see each one in the little carton.
And so you're about actual life.
You're about life.
So you're showing her that.
And she knows you're about sex because a baby, you didn't get a baby without sex.
You know, that happened one time in the desert.
And that's a rap.
But since then, it's taken a couple of people, you know, touching, doing touch.
So, so you let her know you're about sex.
You take her to dinner.
There's no sex in.
Nobody's fucking in the back so you can eat at the Applebee.
You know?
There's not, you know, there's not two people back there fornicating over there at the Captain D's seafood or whatever so you guys can have a, you know, can do a shrimp, you know, basket.
So, but if you show her that baby, it puts it, there's a thing that happens where it just shows, hey, I know about sex.
I'm sexually mature.
That's what it does.
It lets a woman know you know about sex.
You take her to dinner, that doesn't mean you know about sex, that means you know about recipes, you know about silverware, you know about, you know, being indoors or whatever.
But you take her to the to the maternity, bam.
She sees that.
And some of the babies, it still smells like sex in there.
You know, the one in our town, the window was busted between the babies and the visitor.
So you're sitting there, you know what I'm saying?
I think they even had a little broken glass around there.
But yes, you could still smell.
I mean, you still get that hit.
And some of the babies, they really, they definitely smell like some of them smell like doggy style.
Some of them, one of them, you'll see still have a panty wrapped around his wrist.
There's some real, you know, them Italian ones.
There's some real, it gets a little hype.
So that's your first date answer, brother.
Well, you're going to take her to wear Dave and Busters?
Take her to Bustin Busters.
You know what I'm saying?
Gang, baby, onward.
All right, we got a call right here that came in.
Theo, man, you have the most.
This is Ben from St. Louis.
You got the most.
What's up, Ben A and St. Louis?
I don't know.
Who is St. Louis, actually?
All right.
St. Louis, or Louis the IX, commonly known as St. Louis, or Louis the Saint, was king of France from 1226 to 1270 and the most illustrious of the direct Capetians.
He was crowned in the Rheims at age 12. There you go.
People, I guess that's who he was, baby.
Louis the Nine.
That's it.
From Poissy, France.
Damn.
Well...
Yeah.
There you go, baby.
That's it, dog.
If you from Poissy, you must be.
You a real G in my book.
That's for sure.
So I'm not shocked he was a saint.
What else do we have?
Oh, it was a call that came in.
My bad.
Let's hear more.
This is Ben from St. Louis.
You've got the most acute baby syndrome in a man I've ever seen.
You were talking to Bryce in that interview, and you compared winning a fight and the will to win a fight to whether or not a man is going to have children.
You need a baby, Theo, but your life is too busy.
You might be a homosexual.
I don't know.
And you don't have a wife yet.
Well, look, man, I would like to have a baby, okay?
But I can't have a baby with just a penis, brother.
So that's the first part.
If I was homosexual, dog, I would know.
You know what I'm saying?
I've never looked at the back of a man.
I've never looked at the back of a man like that.
If a man, even if I see a man who's painting or doing something and you see part of his butt a little, I don't even.
You know, I got a buddy and he would, he told me one time, and this is, he told me in secrecy, but he's dead.
He said when he would see a man's butt crack, he would imagine nipples on his butt.
You know, like titty nipples.
And I don't even do that, man.
So if I'm ever thinking about something naked, it's female.
But you never know.
If I get hit by lightning or something, you never know.
Or if I, I might, you never know.
You might fall in love.
You could, somebody could come across you that changes you, you changes your game.
Somebody could come across and you just say, you know what?
Sayonara, bitches.
And you go for it.
So as of now, I have no inkling to believe that.
But, you know, if God wants it, God wants it.
Baby, let's hear more.
Well, I do.
I propose to you that you impregnate my wife.
We'll raise the child.
We'll agree upon a price.
And you can see him when you want to see him.
St. Louis is pretty close to you, five, six hours.
A price?
So now, basically, you trapping me in a five.
So wait, it's my kid.
I impregnate the wife.
And then.
But who pays who?
That'd be my question.
Because I'm running this high-dollar root sauce over here.
I'm running this high-dollar freaking this wand chowder.
So if you out, you know, I got that real stick venom, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
I could sell, dude, I could sell this.
And my stuff's thick, too.
I got that preserves.
So I'm sure I could get a little dollar for this.
So I'm just saying, who's paying who?
You know, we need a source of passive income.
You need a son, bud.
Okay, so I'm paying, you're saying.
You need a source of passive income.
I need a son.
But I'm not keeping my son.
You know, I don't want to have that, you know, the son where you go see him like he's in a stable or whatever.
So I appreciate it, man.
You know, I guess, could I impregnate that guy's wife?
I don't think I could, man.
I mean, I could try.
But that's the crazy part.
If she and I meet up at a damn day's inn or whatever, and you let me try, and then it doesn't happen.
Fuck, maybe I'll do that, dude.
Dude, I'll just meet up and try with her for a couple hours, dude, or even 50, even 17 minutes.
So, anyway, man, I love you guys and thank you for the opportunity, man.
Thank you for the opportunity.
And I'll let you know if I need some of that.
But yeah, I've been thinking about maybe it would be nice to have a wife.
You know, I need, I'm definitely getting, because my friends are all settling down.
You know, Andrew Schultz just got married.
Chris DeLee is married.
Bernie Schaub is married.
I mean, even just the dumbest people I know are married.
So I'm like, if they can do it, I can do it.
So what else, man?
Let's take another call that came in.
What do we got here?
What do we got here?
Do you believe in, like, do you believe in ghosts?
You know what I mean?
Because I saw the ghost, man.
I think I saw the ghost.
Yeah, I know what you mean, but do you know what I mean?
Yes, I know what you mean by ghosts.
People don't say, hey, you know, hey, I was at the racetrack.
I saw those ghosts going in a circle.
I know what you mean.
You know, we went fishing.
My buddy reeled in a seven-pound ghost.
I know what you mean, guy.
Okay.
Thank you for the call, also.
And do I believe in ghosts?
Well, yes.
Because, you know, I've forgot something in another room before, you know, and you got to go get something.
You leave something at home.
Or you have to call a diner in Maine and tell them to mail your AirPod.
I leave stuff all the time.
So I can imagine a soul just kind of leave something, but then you got to come back and get it, you know?
And I think it's easy for a soul to get out of it.
A body is pretty, you know, a body is just a dirty birdcage, baby.
This thing is, it's not that strong, really.
It's great because it makes all our organs just be like a team, but it's not that.
Go stab yourself.
Stab yourself four times, man.
Don't call anybody for eight minutes.
See how you do.
You know what I'm saying?
Bodies only can only handle so much.
And I don't blame ghosts for leaving some bodies.
I don't blame ghosts for some bodies.
If I'm a ghost, I'm a spirit, I'm out.
Some guy doesn't brush his teeth for a month, dude.
I'm ghosted.
I'm out, okay?
Some guy's in a domestic dispute, dude, and he's in a standoff with the police, I'm out.
I think you're going to see a lot more ghosts because I think ghosts are tired of being, we're just, you know, people screwing around, just drinking damn mountain dews all day.
If I'm a ghost and I want to do more running, if I'm that David Goskins, I'm out.
That's probably who a lot of spirits are.
A lot of spirits are just, a lot of ghosts are just spirits that left home because shit was getting bad in the body.
You know, you realize, you know, your owner or whatever can't read and he's 30, I'm moved.
I'm leaving.
Ghost by.
I'm not staying around inside of somebody at a certain point that's not toe in their end of the line.
You know, you dudes out there playing dice and he's 41. I'm out.
I'm out.
Boo.
I'm out.
So So I'm not shocked that a lot of ghosts are really, I think you'll see more ghosts because I think a lot of these spirits are getting tired of, they thought we were going to do something with this whole deal.
And we're just fucking, people are just masturbating and looking, you know, doing binoculars and shit.
If that's all, and I'm a spirit, sayonara, I'm out.
Ever moved out of a bad neighborhood?
That's a ghost.
That's a ghost these days.
The bodies they're in, they're not cutting it.
And they just say, hey, I'm done here.
I'm going to go look for something else.
So yeah, I believe in ghosts, Bub.
I do believe in them.
What else do we have?
Let's see if we can't get to one more call.
Wait, here's one that came in.
What's up, Theo Von?
This is your boy, Jeremy, from Baton Rouge.
What's up, brother Jeremy?
Thank you for calling, mate.
I was going to let you know that I took a trip over to Australia and I came back and I had some cuts all over me.
And my mom said, yo, where did those cuts come from?
I said, rise up, lights.
Rise up, lights.
Rise up, lights.
And she laughed and we cried and it was a special moment.
But hey, I wanted to let you know that in your episode you would talk about turquoise hens or Turkish hens.
I think you might have meant a Cornish hen, dog.
You know, the little chickadee that you put the stuffing in or you get it from the store.
Yeah, brother, thank you.
Yeah, Turkish hen, baby.
Oh, no, Cornish hen.
sorry i think about two and a half of that You're right.
And thank you for that, man.
Yeah, I remember when my mother dated a man, he had Cornish.
He made us, the first time he ever had us come over, he made us Cornish hens.
And we're poor as fuck.
I'd never seen a real hen.
You know, I'd never, I didn't know what, but I knew that this man, it was real weird.
He was feeding us these little bitty ass, you know, these are little children hens.
This is, this is what a lot of, you know, this is some Epstein appetizers, baby.
This is something Ghelane Maxwell would consider a delicacy.
So Yeah, and I just remember trying to eat that bitch and just hated that man, you know, because it just it's already hard.
You're being a kid, you have to go to someone's house and eat, you don't know them, and they're dating your mom, and then they give you this little bird, and it just looks so more human.
You see its little arms and its little muscles.
God, it just felt like being in science class, like during like 11th grade, but suddenly they gave you a fork instead of a scalpel, and you're like, oh, this is going to be dicey.
So anyway, yeah, I remember those hands, baby gang.
What else?
Let's take one more call, man.
Hey, T.O., it's Alan from West LA.
I'm in the car right now.
It's a little rainy, so I hope you can hear me all right.
Thank you for calling, Alan from West LA, baby.
Gang, onward.
I'm calling, man, and I'm trying not to be emotional.
These are happy tears, though.
I'm calling it because I just want to say thank you so much, man.
You know, if you're ever wondering if you're doing something good, Theo, I want to let you know that you've helped me so much in my life.
A few years ago, I was in a really bad spot.
I was in several toxic relationships with bad people.
I was stuck in a job.
I mean, it was more of like a cold, to be honest.
I was brainwashed.
Damn, brainwashed.
Damn, brother.
My God, brother.
Damn.
I'm sorry to hear it, man.
I can't.
I've never been brainwashed, really.
I mean, we all have, but I never have been directly brainwashed, man.
And I'm sorry to hear that.
Homeward.
I was dead broke.
I had negative money, actually.
My account would get overtrapped all the time.
My savings and checking, so I mean, if you gave me money, I would still have zero money.
Oh, dude, that's wild.
If you gave me money, I would still have zero money.
That's crazy.
Onward, brother.
I'm not laughing at you, man.
It made me laugh, gang.
That's how bad it was.
When I was in that condition, man, I was living right next to the Great Black Peeps on Pico and 17th, and I turned on your podcast.
I heard that you were sponsored by them, so I gave you a chance.
About a year and a half ago, I was listening to Jesus just talking about making changes in life, man.
He said this thing was just so silly what you said.
Nothing changes.
Nothing changes.
It gave me some strength to do something to change my situation.
I have a person.
I have a job.
That's fantastic.
And it's a lot of money.
I have more money than I ever had in my entire life.
And things are just going up and up.
I just want to thank you so much, Theo.
I love you.
I love your podcast.
And thank you so much for everything you do, man.
I appreciate you.
Gang, brother.
Thank you, man.
Thanks for the message.
Gray Block Pizza, baby.
Yeah.
1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach, son.
Gray block, baby.
Get that hitter.
Man, I'm happy for you.
You know, I'm happy that you're feeling better.
I appreciate you calling and just sharing that.
And that's all you, man.
It's all you, you know, choosing to do something different in your life.
You know, that nothing changes if nothing changes.
It's a great statement.
I heard that somewhere in an AA meeting, and I shared it, you know, because it just resonated with me so much.
And I remember it all the time.
You know, that if something is going to be different, I have to do something different.
You know, I can't think my way into positive action, but I can act my way into positive thinking.
You know, and yeah, I could sit there and think all day, but it's not going to do anything for me.
I got to move my legs.
I have to move my heart.
Or if I move my legs, it can move my heart.
It can move my brain.
But I got to do something.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, man.
Yeah, thank you for reminding me of that.
I needed to hear that.
So it's a statement that we share, you know, and you hear it and then I hear it and somebody else hears it.
And, you know, I'm trying to do something.
I'm just trying to be loving this holiday season.
I'm just trying to remember that there's new possibilities.
I'm just trying to remember that things could be better always.
Even if they're already great, there's always room for things to be better or different or more unique.
And that all things really are possible.
And that may sound crazy to some people, but I just think it all just ends in that space that, yeah, if I want things to be different, I have to do something different.
You know, it's all just memes at this point.
Anyway, man, I love you, brother.
And thank you for calling, dude.
And I'm so happy that you're doing better.
You know, I'm so happy that you got that fever, you got that fire, that you decided to change something.
And it sounds like once you did that, A lot of things have changed.
So, what else?
We've been offered to impregnate a wife.
We talked about ghosts.
Let's take one more.
We'll take one more here.
Hey, CO.
What's up, brother?
Gang, gang, brother.
It's Cliff calling you from Worcester Mass.
What's up, Cliff?
From out there in Worcester, Mass, baby, onward.
I called you before talking about my alcoholic wins, bro.
I went to treatment.
I'm back.
My son's second birthday tonight, man.
I just love everything you do, man.
You're a great inspiration.
I don't know what to say except for All right, brother.
Keep it 50. Later.
Gang, baby, keep it 50. I'll do what I can.
I'll meet you halfway.
I'll meet you halfway.
It takes two to tango.
It takes, we can't do it alone.
You know, we got this.
I'm so happy for you, man.
Happy birthday, your son's second birthday.
And you sitting there with a clear head and clear heart.
You can handle it.
And you dare and you're capable of being there for him today.
Man, that's cool.
That's really cool, man.
Just happy for you.
You know, happy that you're living.
That's living, man.
Seeing a kid have fun and you put him to bed and then you sitting there with memories of it.
You sitting there just caught up in the joy still of it.
High on the joy of other humans and of love.
It's good shit, man.
That's beautiful shit.
So congratulations, man.
Merry Christmas to you and to your little fella.
And Merry Christmas to everybody.
I want to thank everybody for being a part of this podcast this year.
I want to thank everybody that's helped produce this podcast this year and just been a part of my life.
Colin Reiner, Raleigh Mao, Nick Davis, Sean Dugan, Jimmy Rector.
We've had a whole crew this year that has chipped in and helped out.
It's been a unique time with moving around and trying different things.
And you guys, thank you.
And thank you for being a part of my life.
And if you need me, I'm going to probably take a break coming up in January here.
We'll have some guest episodes that you'll be able to enjoy.
And those are all new guest episodes.
Those won't be repeats or anything.
But I'm just trying to focus on just making myself feel pretty well.
And, you know, I haven't figured out exactly how I'm going to do that.
I'm looking at some different options.
And I'm going to choose what's just most comfortable for me.
And that's always evolving, kind of.
But I'm grateful to you guys.
And if you need me, baby, you know where I'm going to be.
So I'm upstairs.
Gang, baby, let's leave out in this holiday tune right here.
Come, all ye faithful.
There we go.
Come left, adore him.
I'm only faithful, joyful and triumphal.
Come, me, come, me to death, and...
Dude, they say come a lot in this deal, huh?
Jeepers.
Come and behold him, born the king of angels.
Come let us adore him.
Come let us adore him.
Come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant.
Come ye, come ye to heaven.
Come and behold him, born the king of angels.
I'm let adore him I'm let adore him Adore him.
Come, all ye faithful, joyful and proud.
That is, if you want to grab that, you can.
It's O Come, All Ye Faithful by Grigory David.
Thank you guys for being a part of my year, man.
You guys be good to yourself, gang.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, Suiar.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jermaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Oh.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
