Theo talks about petting dogs, monogamy, being on tour, and the current state of society.
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Music:
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All right, check, check.
Chicken Charlie.
Chicken Charlie.
Charlie Cheese Chimpanzee.
Charlie Chaplin.
The chimpanzee.
Chocolate chip.
Chuckling.
Those are all chill words.
A lot of time, if you're doing microphone audio, if you communicating through a microphone or a, you know, somebody, you got a man listening somewhere or a woman or lesbian.
A lot of time they'll say, can you give me a sound check?
And people will say, Mike, check, Charlie, check Charlie.
They want to chu sounds.
They want a certain sound.
A certain sound, I guess a certain sound does a certain thing.
A certain sound lets you know it's a certain siren.
It's a certain warning.
A certain sound.
You know, I make a certain sound different times.
Like if I'm looking for something, I can't find it.
I went out to the car and I got in it and I do not have something I need.
I have to go back inside.
Jesus Christ.
And that's when, look, I could have never been Jesus Christ.
Dude, he had to walk all those stairs or whatever with the, I don't even know what he had like a big piece of furniture on his back or something.
I don't even know.
I got to reread it.
But I couldn't, dude, I'll leave anything inside.
And he did like a thousand steps or something.
I'll leave anything inside.
I literally would rather eat one of my own nuts out of my nut bag than have to go back in and get it.
But I'd be like, grrr.
That's a sound I make sometimes.
Grrr.
And I'll go back in, I have to unlock the door.
I'm like, oh.
Then I will yell, where are you?
Where?
Where would you put that?
I will yell at myself so evil.
And it's something small usually, like my dang.
Could be, I got a new CBD vapor.
It's CBD.
It's vaping, but it's non-addictive.
It's laser lime.
So that's where I'm at mentally and emotionally.
But that's a sound, you know, a different sound is something that comes out of a different thing.
Ah!
Ah.
Trying to think when I would make that sound.
That's if you're changing a diaper or something, you get duty on your something.
Or if you touch duty somewhere.
My friend used to do this trick.
And he passed away, but when he was alive, he used to do this little kind of shit trick.
I guess you would call it, and I don't want to be unprofessional or whatever, but it would be like a little...
And he'd have a little dog, a little duty in his hand, a little shit.
A dog had done a little turd work or whatever.
A little booty.
A little booty shit.
And he would, he'd be like, hey, hey, bud, you left this.
And he'd say something like that and throw it over to you.
And you'd catch it.
You didn't know what it was.
And it was something that had come out of a dog's bottom.
Usually, usually fessies or something.
But anyway, man, good to be here with you guys today.
And I'm really, I'm feeling good today, and I'm grateful you're here.
And I want to thank, I want to remind you to support the Netflix special.
It's out now.
You can check it out.
It's on Netflix platform.
So you can see it get on there.
I've been meaning to watch also Made on there, but I haven't seen that yet.
And yeah, I'm glad it's out.
I'm glad that it's done.
You know, it was tough because the material was ready a few years ago.
And then the pandemic.
And so there's been this real, but it's like everything.
Supply chain, that's what they call it.
Dude, the other day, I'm trying to buy some cupcake.
And I said, hey, man, let me get a couple Halloween cupcakes off you.
You know what I'm saying?
And the guy back there, honestly, I'm not going to say it's a gay guy working back there.
And as a straight guy, it's I'm grateful that the guy is selling cupcakes.
I'm grateful anybody's selling them.
The fact that somebody even thought of saying, hey, let's take a big cake and make it small so daddy could have a little sugar at lunch.
God, that makes me.
Oh!
That, that, that's the sound I make when I hear that.
Oh!
That sort of Jewish ejaculation.
But But what was I talking about?
Oh, yeah, it's just tough.
And then the guy's like, I just want to tell you, you know, we've had a lot of supply chain issues with the food coloring.
And I'm like, dude.
Dude, I will literally poke my gums with a needle and spit in that white frosting right now.
I do that three times.
We will get it to orange.
And you can icy.
He was just making conversation.
And I start to see how women feel about men hitting on them.
Because you can't even find a woman working the cupcake area anymore.
It's a lot of men on men, you know.
It's a lot of sugar boys back there.
And I'm here for it.
I support it.
You know, I want everybody to live their best life.
And then the guy's like, well, let me go.
Let me get your number and I'll let you know if we have anything coming in.
Like, dude, I don't need some guy texting me at night saying we got, you know, green.
You know what I'm saying?
We got all the fall colors.
Like, I'm not trying to roll over in my bed and get that.
Hey, just got a little, you know, don't want to alarm you.
Just got a little, you know, just got a little visine thing full of yellow.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, just, it just.
But that's life.
Life is that full circle.
Life's that full circle, man.
You kick a ball at a handicapped kid 40 years later, bruh, he'll stab you with a knife at a damn at a, um, what's that place called?
Piccadilly Cafeteria.
That's that's how it works.
So.
Oh, oh.
I like this.
It's just different sounds you make.
I like the different sounds that we have in us.
There's a lot of them, you know.
If you pet a dog and he don't walk off.
God, I love that.
God, I love that.
If you pet a dog and he stay right there and let you do it, God, you turn into a dang pedophile, baby.
You know what I'm saying, boy?
You get that wowzer on that schnauzer, baby.
You just, he keeps letting you do it.
You get that little, that glee shine on that V Sean, baby.
That is when God, that's when you feel God working.
When you pet a dog, a strange dog, a miscellaneous dog, baby.
And it lets you keep petting.
Oh, make you want to kick a fat kid at Kmart.
You know what I'm saying?
Praise God, baby.
But I just want to say thank you for supporting me in comedy.
And I am glad that we got the show on the air now.
And you can see it where you watch Netflix on your phone or whatever.
And tell your friends, tell your wife.
You know what I'm saying?
They're raping everybody out here.
All right, let's get into it, baby.
Let's get into it.
Got a nice episode for you here today.
And I'm happy to be alive.
And I'm happy you're alive.
And I mean that.
And if nobody's told you that today, boom.
Somebody has.
I'm going to go.
We got our boy Eddie 9 Volt.
Mmm.
About to get electrocuted.
I'm on a calm up.
Yeah.
Feels feel good after I've been so blue.
I'm on a calm up.
Feels so good to have a bird know you.
Well I just broke up with my baby Now I can finally get the love in you Mmm mmm mmm mmm yeah yeah I just count up to Lucky Street When the mayor came and said to me Come on a comma He's on a comma And it's playing too sweet But we had you and me We got so much loving and chemistry Come on a comma Come
on a comma I'm running And it ain't gonna raise a run I'm on a comma Come on a comma Come on a comma And that right there, that right there is Eddie 9V on the come up.
Oh, that song lifts me.
I feel lifted.
I feel lifted.
I want to thank David Freeze for this beautiful jersey, man.
You know, the St. Louis Cardinals, they let me out there on the ball game, on a ball game field.
And I'm bad luck usually on a ball game field.
You put me in a game, you lose, or somebody gets damn, you know, asthma attacks.
I remember they put me in a game once, and five kids had asthma attacks.
And the police showed up, and somebody busted some woman for having, you know, fake handicapping a kid.
Sometimes they used to, they make one of the kids be retarded or mentally ill just to get that money, that dummy check.
You would see it a lot in the poor community, a lot in the urban community.
You'd see them have a child that they didn't let go to school.
And they keep him out of school so he don't learn anything.
But every now and then, you know, since he don't know anything, he get that check, $600 a month, $300, I think, at the time.
And they put a neck brace on him every now and then wheel him out to a sporting event or something so people in town could see him, whoever it was or her.
You know, and the kid out there have, you know, one time the damn, it's usually like foster parents sometimes, but sometimes it's people's own parents.
You know, family that say, look, we're not doing that good.
We ain't making much money.
We got four or five kids.
Let's keep one of them away from the school and put that neck brace on him.
And they wheel him out on a dolly to daddy sometime.
I remember wheeling this one kid out.
You know, this boy long.
They call him Long Tommy because he was long.
If you get long as hell, you could barely see him.
If you tickled his foot, it took probably four seconds for him to know what was happening, for him to get even a giggle out of him.
So you could damn, you know, you could almost burn off one of his toes if you were really cruel.
And I wasn't.
You know, I'm grateful to God for that.
I didn't have that cruelty in me where I'm burning children's tarsals or whatever.
But what was I talking about?
Oh, but the daddy sometimes would wheel him out there on a damn dolly, a damn, you know, Home Depot dolly, and just prop him out so people in the community could see him.
Oh, they still got him.
He's alive.
You know.
And then that was just part of the whole deal.
And then you get the money for him, $350 a month.
I think it went up to almost $400 when I was young.
Now they give you money for anything.
You know what I'm saying?
Somebody patted you on the back too hard.
They give you $70, $80.
You know?
Somebody spray-painted on your car or something to give you, government to give you $75, $60.
So, different times.
But what I'm saying is he gave me this real jersey from the World Series, dude.
Not poker either.
I'm talking the real one, baby, that big one.
And that's awesome, man.
I mean, it's just so nice of them to be so gifting like that.
And the Cardinals made a beautiful run this year, and they didn't get it done.
And so anyway, I just wanted to show some homage to them and to St. Louis.
That was a loud show, that St. Louis show.
Damn.
If you were at that thing, there was people, somebody, people gestating in the back.
Some lady back there, you know, just people loud in the audience.
Some lady having a real violent menstrual cycle, you hear.
I mean, just really.
I mean, just damn full moon and right out of her damn vagina.
Just a dark art.
People in there, people with damn, some dude had something stuck in his throat, a kazoo or something for half the show.
You just hear.
Like, damn, what is even going on in here?
But still, grateful people came out.
There's been a lot of good shows recently.
I haven't seen you guys in a while on a solo episode.
And so I wanted to come this week and make sure we got one in.
You know what's been happening?
We went to Wilkes Buyer.
And damn.
Oh, I get into town.
Some guy give me a railroad tie.
Piece of iron.
I'm outside having me a little sandwich out there by the thoroughfare out there.
And this actually, this was in Delaware.
In Delaware, dude, if you want to see people fist fighting and nobody wins, then you got to go to Wilmington, Delaware's, baby.
De la Wer, de la Were.
I don't know what that's Spanish for.
Where?
I'm going to look that up.
What does where mean in English?
Ware.
Pottery.
De la pottery.
So the day of pottery.
The day of pottery, I guess it means.
Well, damn, whoever there was a lot of bulls in the china shop because there was a lot of broken shit around there.
But good area, though.
It was a good, good, good area.
Good people.
Good people that came out.
A lot of diversity came out.
Everybody's damn, you know, damn Judeo, African, Italy.
They got a, you know, Italianese.
Everybody's African, Italiermanese out there.
It's all damn, you know, everybody has a twin that's been killed.
It's just a lot.
There's a lot of, you're not surprised to have a weapon.
And some man gave me a weapon.
He came up.
I'm having me a little burger right there on a thoroughfare.
And a thoroughfare, everybody in the place had a burger place was in a, I think it was a halfway house.
They said it closed at 8 p.m.
because people had to sign in or whatever.
So gratefully they were making Food.
But I was happy to be there.
Man, we had a good time up in that piece.
But a man gave me one of them railroad ties real fast.
Here you go.
You're going to need this.
Sharpened up too.
Fellow named Buck, I think his name was.
He could have had a lisp.
His name could have honestly been FUCK, bro.
Fuck, you know?
God.
Oh.
So I don't remember what it was, but that was crazy.
Wilkes Byra was one of the best shows I feel like I've ever had in my life.
Man, that was fun.
I didn't know where we were.
We got there to reservation.
Only place to stay in town is a damn holiday inn or whatever.
And it says when they get there, there's signs everywhere that say people will steal from you here.
Like, damn, you know, your company's having a tough time if they putting that shit up.
But, and it was Holiday Inn Select.
And I don't know what they selected, man.
They must have, it must have been a draft at a local prison, bro, because everybody in that bitch was, I felt like an inmate.
You know, you could hear the guy behind the counter, every time he walked over to the printer to print out the thing or whatever, you could hear his shackles on it.
I'm like, geez, I'm not even going to sleep here.
I'd rather, I'm going to stay in the car and sharpen this railroad tie.
But that was a joy, man.
All the show is joyous.
Where were we this week?
Honestly, I do not.
Some places I don't even just go so fast.
You know, you go in, oh, Minneapolis.
And we interviewed Jesse Ventura.
That'll come out this coming next week.
Jesus Christ.
I hope no one ever has to.
I respect this time.
I hope no one ever has to honestly speak to that man.
That's what I hope.
What else?
Oh, Dave Chappelle special came on and I watched it.
And obviously, you know, he's a legend.
He's made his way up being legendary.
And I thought there was definitely a lot of funny parts.
He's a funny guy.
Obviously, he's created his own way of doing comedy.
It's his own ambiance.
It's his own thing.
The parts for me that were a little rocky were he, you know, kind of referred to himself as the goat.
I thought some of the, I've noticed his ego has kind of been real sprouting over the years.
You know, even just the way he comes, coming to the comedy club.
But I don't know if it's possible for it not to.
You know, we live in a world where there's so much reflection of yourself that I think it's hard to hide from your ego.
Because now with social media and everything, your ego has weapons.
Your ego has, there's so many ways for your ego to communicate back with you and tell you you're good or you're this or you're popular or you're seen or you're whatever, you know.
Back in the day, your ego, I mean, it definitely had internal weapons making you think you're great or making you, you know, behave certain types of ways.
Or if you start chiefing on your own shit, that's what my uncle used to say, bruh.
And he actually died, dude.
He got, I didn't even tell you guys this, my mom's original brother got killed.
He was alcoholic, got hit by a, um, or not hit by, he got killed by a train.
Motocross train or whatever.
Track train.
You know, not three people fucking, you know, ran into him or whatever.
But what's I even talking about?
But anyway, yeah, I thought it definitely some of that part where you were referring to yourself as a goat, that's a weird moment to watch as a human.
But I don't care what he's talking about.
I mean, I feel like he got kind of stuck on this transgender discussion thing over the years, which I don't really understand.
But I feel like also, once you've gotten so many things out of the world, you have all the cash and prizes, what else is there to even, you know, a lot of rich people will end up being gay or money gay as they call them.
And it's like the Roman Empire.
At the end, they're upstairs.
You know what I'm saying?
They're upstairs.
They're upstairs eating freaking newborn cabbages and making love to damn straight and gay children and men and women.
Because they'd done everything.
They'd exhausted all the options of their desires.
Their desire, because desire is that little leapfrog.
You start off, you give him a little butter scotch, baby.
And next thing you know, he's hopping, you know, he'll hop over to a damn cupcake two days later.
And then he's hopping to a birthday party.
And now he's at a damn Crown Plaza.
You know, he's at a damn barbecue at a Crown Plaza for, you know, an urban kind of family reunion or whatever.
two people get shot.
But then he'll jump, you know, next thing you know, he's at the jewelry store.
He's at a Tyler, the Creator concert.
And, you know, he'll just keep, you know, it just keeps escalating, whatever it is, that desire.
Desire will keep escalating.
So once you've done everything the Romans were doing, I mean, it got real dicey what they were doing.
You know, and I just think that's what happens to someone as you get to a certain level.
It just, there's nothing left to do.
So you're sitting around, you're chatting about trans and people that are trans and what's going on.
I did like that Netflix supported him and let him say what he wants to say.
People should be able to.
All that shit is ridiculous.
And nobody even really cares.
The only people that care are, honestly, I think a bunch of people that just, I don't know, people that are trying to stifle all the communication.
Some people, the only thing they have to go for, going for them, I think, is their sexuality or their whatever their little difference is.
And those sometimes are the people that make their difference a bigger deal.
People yelling, look, I'm different.
Don't treat me different.
That's the, you know, and it also could be a part of the times we're going through.
But I'm glad he got to say what he wanted to say, man.
I definitely laughed out loud a few times.
He's one of a kind.
And those are my thoughts on some of my thoughts on the Dave Chappelle special.
I don't get to have a, you know, it's hard for me to have a lot of thoughts at once.
But I just tried.
So what else?
I'm trying to think of anything else that's been going on.
We've got some great calls that came in.
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You know what I'm saying?
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It's dicey.
So praise God.
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What else, man?
After the show, sometimes I've been able to pop out and do some meet and greets and surprise some folks.
Or not surprise, but just say hey to you guys.
Sometimes, some nights it's harder than others.
Some venues don't allow it.
You know, Minneapolis was tough because it was the first venue I've been to where they made them wear masks.
And I didn't know it till halfway through the first show.
I'm like, what's going on?
I just, I'm not good at this anymore.
You know, or maybe everybody's, maybe everybody ate something real hot in the lobby and their mouth is burning or everybody ate a Dorito and cut the top of their mouth because I couldn't hear any laughter.
And then halfway through, I'm like, oh my gosh, everybody has to have masks in here.
And that is honestly ridiculous.
And thank you for the people that came and put up with it.
It's not my choice.
When we sold the tickets, none of those things were my choice.
But it's tough because what do you do?
You cancel the show.
Some of these people, they're just putting these things into place.
I think it's absolutely insane.
You know, I live in a place most of the time in the Central East here where people are unmasked and everybody is doing fine and well.
And there's no logical, you can't explain to me how you, one place, it just, so, and I'm not here to debate it with nobody.
I know that COVID is dangerous.
I believe that.
But I don't know that people should have masks inside of a damn venue.
That's unbelievable.
And that's sad.
And I hope to not put any more venues on the schedule where that's what's going on.
So that is one thing that I'm going to try my best to do.
But thank you guys who came and bear with it.
And some people, they said, well, you can't be doing the thing.
Well, I'm sorry.
It's the best I can do right now.
Some places, all the venues are owned by the same company.
It's like a YouTube, but it's like a property management, you know.
So you're just kind of screwed.
You're just, it's really tough, man, to feel very free.
But know that when you feel that way, I feel that way too.
And so I'm hoping that things change.
Usually, when something needs to change, something does.
So what else?
I think that's all I got right now.
I just wanted to keep you guys informed, keep you guys tuned in.
We got some great voicemails that came in.
As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
Yeah, you know, I've been struggling.
I've still been struggling a lot with anger.
I've been trying to go to more AA meetings and do more meditation.
Today's the best I've felt in a while.
Battling that.
And I don't know if I find I get angry at any one specific thing, really.
I just.
I just get angered, man.
It's like the dynamite is in my, it's right under my skin, bro.
Man, it wants me to be angry.
It's like something wants me to be angry.
And I can notice it's bad when I wake up and a couple of the first few things I think are is that I'm angry.
Or I get angry about certain things.
So, yeah, I guess I just want to say that out loud so I'm not just letting it be inside of me.
Sometimes if I let things just stay inside of me and I don't say them out loud, then it's like they win.
You know, and I wish, you know, I've even been asking my anger, why are you here?
What do you want?
Because sometimes it does feel like a ghost of something that happened or a ghost of some desires.
I don't know what it's, it just feels like a thing that's just like, it's almost feel like it's haunting me.
And that sounds crazy.
Not in the sense like, you know, like there's a damn exorcism or something sneaking in my ear at night and busting big nuts.
But just like, I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like there's an infection in me and this anger.
But anyway, we got some beautiful calls that came in, man.
Enough about me.
Sometimes I feel like the end of this podcast is about me so much.
It's just too much.
So I want to hear from you guys.
Thank you for hitting the hotline.
985-664-9503.
All right, here we go.
Hi, Theo.
This is Katie.
I am a mechanical engineer in South Carolina.
I'm coming to both of you Charlton shows.
I'm very excited.
So I will.
Katie.
And them mechanical, you know, you that little mechanical bad girl, huh?
That Lego lady, huh?
You out there just using, you know, you out there using that little monkey wrench.
Banana and around, probably, on some of these men, I'm sure.
Thank you for calling, baby Onward.
I'm calling to tell you about a recent experience I had.
My dad, you know, has been really wanting me to date, really wanted me to have grandkids, blah, blah, blah.
So he says, hey, Katie, you know, I got this perfect guy for you.
I got this guy.
He's a great guy, good Christian man.
You know, he's real nice.
Oh, yeah.
And a child is like a little fireplace for your family.
Your family will hate each other.
Your family will be shooting damn arrows at each other and doing heroin.
And somebody have a baby and good God, people will stop doing heroin at least in the daytime to be around that kid together.
And that's God.
Onward.
Got this guy.
He's a great guy.
He's a good Christian man.
You know, he's real nice.
He works with me.
I said, okay, Dad, I'll give him a try.
So we're texting.
You know, it's fine.
He asked me how on a date.
I was like, okay, cool.
It's going to meet for lunch.
Meet for lunch.
Old boy brings his cousin.
So it was me and two men.
Oh, woo.
Woo-woo, boy.
Oh, I want.
Dang.
That little side kick.
He brought that side item.
He brought that little, I guess if you didn't like him, they're ready to, you know, this family's ready to bust overall.
Somebody about to catch a gonad full.
Somebody about to get nadded out and get that procreation going on.
Them biblical dogs, they don't care.
You know what I'm saying?
If Freddy ain't your fit, then we got little Frankie right here on the side step.
you know what I'm saying?
If you don't like Ernie as that entree, then we got little that little side item, Sammy, right here.
He'll get in there and he'll nut around until somebody has something to give birth to.
Let's hear more.
Food is paid for.
But one of the strangest days I've had.
But I think from this experiment, I've learned I could have two boyfriends.
I think I would be okay with two men.
They even could be related.
I don't think I would mind that.
But just two boyfriends, I think, would be good.
Double the fun, really.
What you think about it?
Let me know.
Have a good one.
See you two weekends.
Bye-bye.
Oh, wow.
I took a turn.
Oh, look, these days, we're in Corvid times.
We're in the last chapter of the Bible, I feel like.
And I don't know what it is, Ephesians or whatever.
You know, I don't even know.
You know, I'm not even sure what's back there.
I think it's just a damn tab.
It's like an inventory of how many men and how many sheep were in the whole book.
But this is the end.
You know, people ain't even clocking in for work anymore.
The only people even working are Mexican.
I mean, you know, we're at the end.
I was just in Minneapolis.
There's nobody even in the city anymore.
Everything's deserted.
There's murals everywhere.
You achieved it.
You achieved maximum diversity.
There's nobody there.
They should call it Indianapolis because there ain't anybody in that batch.
So this is the end of time, baby.
If you want to get that double up, get that family.
Make a game show out of your vagina.
I would.
You know what I'm saying?
Let each of them boys take that chance at that procreation.
Maybe do a little, you know.
And at least you're going to achieve your grandfather's goals or whatever by giving him that little papoose.
And look, a lot of us, we just want somebody to love.
It doesn't matter what form it comes in or how it comes.
You know, I think if you can be honest with your partner about it.
But there's certainly a new age of people that's more about polyamory and polyigamus.
And they'll let you do whatever.
If you want to have a little bit of Oreo over here, if you want to have a little Choco Taco, but you want to also get a little bit of these butternutters over there.
You could do it all.
You know what I'm saying?
You could hide an M ⁇ M in your ass if you want.
And the whole time be skittling under your tongue.
People doing it all.
And I think as long as everybody, there's not as much jealousy, maybe.
I grew up in the real jealousy era.
Where you saw somebody talk, you talking to them, I said, oh man, couldn't uh-uh.
No, no, no, Rhonda.
No, no.
But that's changing ours, too, you know.
If somebody will feed Rhonda for the night, you welcome to take her off of my hands, baby.
How are we doing upstairs?
That's that upstairs cam.
So it's a lot of, there's definitely more sharing is caring.
That's really come a long way.
You know, a friend of mine said her daughter is getting taken care of half the time by her grandmother.
And at first I thought, man, that's a little, it might be messed up.
But then I thought, well, that's how it probably used to be.
People live in a house, the whole family's in there.
You go to Korea, you flush the toilet, you'll drown one of your damn cousins or whatever.
Everybody's in the damn, everybody's in the house.
You open up a top of a shipper robe and your great uncle's in there.
You know, I mean, he's almost deceased, but he's also covered in socks.
So he's warm.
But it's like the whole family sticks together and it's more of a tribal thing.
So I like it.
And also, shout out to the date for bringing Kuzzo along, huh?
Talk about being a wingman.
That's like a Buffalo Wild wingman.
And watch them steal that and make that.
If that isn't, they might already have that as a wingman.
I bet they do.
As an advertiser piece.
But yeah, you look.
Stay alert.
Stay alarmed.
Somebody gave me a damn shiv the other night before my own show when I was having a little sandwich at a halfway house.
So if you don't think we on the last notch of the belt, if you don't think this buckles about to bust, then you don't know nothing about a 35-inch waist, homie.
Gang.
Gang.
Thank you for calling, Katie.
Yeah, who knows?
Look, two men, yeah.
But y'all gonna, I wonder if y'all split that check three ways.
That's what I wondered.
If y'all thrice up that check.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
Dude, if I'd have been on a date and some lady brings her freaking cousin, I got twice the chances of a day, of meeting somebody over one dinner.
I'm having one BLT, but I got double the chances of some TIT.
There's four TITs at the table.
Woo-woo.
I'm hoping milk for dessert.
You know it.
Let's get another call that came in.
Here we go.
Oh, this one Right here.
What's up, Theo?
This is John from Maryland.
I just got a question for you.
I wanted to see what your views on monogamy are.
Just with everything going on nowadays, it seems like it's a lot less than it used to be.
And I don't know if I feel like it's going to be a part of my generation.
Just wanted to get your thoughts on that.
Love you, man.
Thanks for everything.
Looking forward to see you in Charlotte.
Gang, gang.
Buzz, buzz.
Gang, brother.
Wow.
And I was in Charlotte, and so I'm sure we saw each other there.
And that was cool, man.
So thank you for coming.
I hope it was a good show.
Some nights I felt like they're good, and some nights I felt like they're not.
Honestly, that's just me.
They're all I know.
It's like I give it all every time.
But some nights there, you know me.
I mean, jeepers.
I just...
If I was...
So.
But I did just crack opening with damn worthers, boy.
Hmm.
Hmm.
They are good, huh?
You have enough Werthers, man.
You'll start dating a sister, I think.
They are good.
I'm going to set it down because I know the sound of it isn't ideal for some of you.
You know, I think it's interesting that monogamy is becoming less of a thing.
I believe it.
Because I think you're getting marriages that they're not working because people want to have some freedom.
They want to be able to sneak around a pine tree and blow somebody out or touch somebody's asshole or whatever.
You know, these kids are doing.
I don't know.
I'm not around children when they're sexual.
But yeah, people want to just be able to explore.
People want to be able to explore.
And before there was shows about like they had cheaters, you know, when they got that Jewish Italian dude or whatever, and they stabbed him on the boat.
Because Big Adrian is, you know, he's out there, you know, just boarding down some thick guy's wife or something at a wedding or whatever.
You saw the shit.
But, but yeah, and they used to have, they had the, you know, Phil Donahue's or whatever, Ricky Lake.
They had all these Wendy Williams or the, what's a guy's name?
Not Chucky.
He's so high.
He was like, you could be the daddy, that guy, whatever.
Who's the dad?
Who is?
And they bring up in the envelope and it's like the, it's for, I think it used to be an advertisement for damn UPS or whatever.
But they're like, stamps.com, you know, Sinclair, you are the father.
And then the package or whatever is from stamps.com.
But anyway, so I don't even know what I'm talking about.
man.
Oh, so that was the cheating was a big thing.
It's like, oh, you cheated.
You cheated.
You're mine.
You're mine.
This is our thing.
This is.
And everything is get.
It's getting more swirly.
We are beige bound.
I say that a lot on here.
Everything going to end up beige.
We're getting to the end.
You're seeing, I think, the downside of the comforts of a capitalist, of maybe capitalist America.
I don't know that.
I don't know enough knowledge to know that.
But we could be coming to the end of, you know, every period of history has a time.
Mesoloic.
Game of Thrones.
Dragons.
Columbus.
NASA.
And what are we in now, dude?
I don't even know, really.
Freelance.
So you're seeing, you know, everything kind of goes through its time.
And I think this could be what, you know, I don't know.
Do you guys think we're at the end of times as far as like what American society has been like?
Do you think?
Or do you think we're just going through a little transition period and it's going to come out bigger and brighter?
What do you think on that?
I'm curious.
I wonder sometimes is, you know, are we stuck in this swipe society where we're just literally just swiping for things that we want.
Whether they're human or human, food, Instacart, Insta Heart.
We're looking at all of it as we have access to it all.
And so does it all lose its meaning when it's right there.
If you wake up with food in your mouth, man, it's then the part of you that wants to eat it'll die, I think.
Not the part of you that swallows the food, but the part of you that wants to eat.
But more so, the part of you that wants to hunt.
That's the scary thing.
That's what I scared.
I'm going to have one more lick on this candy.
They are good.
Glad I found that in my truck earlier.
So those are Some of my thoughts on it, man.
And I'd love to know what some of you guys think.
What are some of your thoughts on those types of things?
985-664-9503.
Another call came in.
We got a beautiful single mom that we're going to hit up at the end of today's show.
You know, my mom texted me yesterday and has told me she was real proud of me, and that made me feel good.
I'm also going to tell you what's going to help you keep your hair.
That's keeps.
You know, so many men get rid of their hair falls out, falls into their tub, their shirt.
Dude, I had a buddy.
He'd collect all his hair in his bathroom and dry it out on the counter and shit and try to fucking just kind of put it back in his head on Friday night.
My friend Jeremy, dude, and I respected it.
But it was also kind of crazy.
But also, pretty decent guy.
He did online gaming for a while.
And then his mom left him, actually.
He lived with his mother and he wouldn't move out, so she moved out.
Pretty cool, Miss Martha.
Pretty cool.
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What else?
Let's get into it here.
Let's get into it here.
What's up, Theo?
This is Corvin.
What's up, Corvin?
Obviously named after, I'm guessing, probably a Corvette and a van, maybe?
Cool.
One of your parents was cool.
And one of them drove a van.
Onward, brother.
Civil engineer in the great state of Mississippi.
Oh, dang, bro.
Engineer.
Y'all been engineering civility over there, huh?
I haven't been there in a while.
I got to get back.
But thank you.
I can't imagine engineering civility.
That seems absolutely impossible.
But it seemed like a vibrant undertaking.
So thank you for your service, brother.
I know you said a call in about what scares us.
I think mine would be getting old.
You know, I'm 25 right now, getting married, coming down the pipe.
And, you know, my hair is falling out, starting to pull some gray hairs.
You know, I don't want to be 40. I don't want to, you know, get old, but I don't want to die at the same time.
I just got out of college, man.
But, yeah, I don't know.
Something about getting old.
Just wanted to know your thoughts on it.
Love the podcast, brother.
Keep it going.
Gang, gang.
Thanks, Corvin.
I appreciate you, man.
And yeah, I appreciate the question.
Yeah, getting old has always really scared me.
I feel like I'm running out of time to learn whatever lessons that I'm supposed to learn or that the gods want me to learn or that my higher power, you know, that I'm not going to have enough time to learn certain things.
Your looks start disappearing.
That gets dicey.
That gets dicey, dude.
Your nuts get longer.
When you got to reach for your nuts, when you reach for your nuts and you have to reach a little bit in a different place than you used to reach.
That's a lot.
For your hair, I would say, dude, don't pull out the gray hairs.
Keep them in because you can dye them later.
You'll want that.
If you pluck them, then those hairs are gone.
So then later, if you don't have any hair, you're going to wish you'd never plucked them.
Just a note.
It's a suggestion too.
You can do whatever you want.
You could cut your head off if you want.
Yeah, getting old is always scary, man.
My father was so old.
You know, my father, obviously, I've mentioned was 70 when I was born.
He was 70 years old.
So when I got to know him, he was 75, 77, 70. You know, about 80 by the time I kind of really got a good look at him.
And watching him move and watching him be unable to do Things watching him rest.
His eyes were always watering.
That's so weird.
When old people, water starts coming out of them wherever it can.
You know, they'll have to pee or something.
They'll fall asleep and they'll just cry for like 30 minutes.
While they're sleeping, they'll wake up and won't even have to pee anymore.
And they just, you know, just their tear ducts was just damn doing urine.
You know, just crazy.
Things happen when you're old.
They smell like milk.
Start smelling like milk.
Like baby milk.
Yeah, it's alarming, man.
I think the thing that gets, the thing that I noticed for me that makes it spookier is not filling my life sometimes with things that make you then feel young.
I'll fill it with a lot of like worldly stuff that makes me feel young.
You know, I date women at all ages, anywhere from probably, you know, 40 to probably 25. So sometimes you date a younger lady, it makes you feel a little bit younger, but I'll stay young.
I'll play hoops with the, you know, younger generations and stuff like that.
You know, I'll listen to future.
I'll do different shit.
I'm an island boy.
I'll listen to those freaking little pineapple wiggers right there, dude.
Jeepers.
Come on.
at.
But yeah, there's something about it that stings, man.
It's that the fact that you don't know, you know, the fact that you get, but, you know, I think you want to make sure you get to do the things you can do while you're here.
That's what I think is probably a bigger fear.
That you get to love someone.
That you get to apologize to somebody.
That you get to forgive someone.
That you get to take responsibility.
That you get to maybe see your child.
That you get to hug them or hold them.
That you get to.
That you get to let somebody know how much they mean to you.
That you get to have real, real, real human experiences.
That those moments where when your mouth wants to say something, you don't say something, that you override those things.
That you really push the pedal on this experience of being human.
That's one way to defeat some of that aging feeling, I think.
I think people used to feel like this was all there was in the existence realm.
Now, thanks to, I think just our own imaginations, thanks to times changing, less ghosts, I think people are moving on and doing different things after they die.
There's other experiences.
And so I think people are more curious about those, especially if we're living in a society where maybe people aren't always making the most out of all of the freaking, you know, out of all the stuff we got.
But, and I don't mean to sound that in like a dour way, but I started noticing for myself, well, I want to feel different.
I want to have different feelings.
Well, I need to have a different environment.
I need to adjust what it is.
And that means I need to have a family.
I need to love someone.
I need to be brave enough to do these things that are going to make me feel alive.
And that, I think, counterbalances the aging.
Because, yeah, it's a little spooky getting older, man.
And fighting to stay young is the, oh, that's the worst.
Dude, I went on a date with a gal and I showed what music we're playing in the car.
And I give her my phone.
I said, oh, she is like, you have eye music?
She's like, what are you, like, 60?
And I was, I just felt so embarrassed.
I should have done Spotify.
So little things like that.
You're afraid to talk about movies.
Like, oh, have you seen this movie?
Have you seen Land Before Time 2?
And you just see your date's face just disappear?
And it just like, just things like that.
Like, like, trying to stay young is very hard.
It's also kind of fun, though, trying to stay young.
But we're all chasing that moment of just when time was, being older wasn't even a thing.
There was no older.
You were so just all systems go, man.
Everything was just, I was like maybe 10 years old when you thought about being across the room and you were across the room.
Where you laugh, your friends would make you laugh just like everything was so free.
When you have to worry about it, there was no concerns, no worries.
So to be that way again, no matter what age you are, that is such a search, I think.
To be that free.
That age doesn't even...
Because you're such a G-dog.
Because you're such a damn Bruce Lee of life.
That when age comes to count you or cake you up one year, you say, hey, fam, you could do it, but you know I'm bigger than that.
You know I'm doing something that you can't calculate.
And living in that kind of joy, I think there's a lot of value in that.
But how do you get there?
I don't know.
But that's one of the true journeys of life.
That's why it always pains me when people die young, that they don't get to try and see how things work and get to have the most out of this experience.
But I don't know.
Thank you for that question, man.
Made me think.
All right, let's take one more call here.
See you.
This is Reed from the great state of Louisiana.
Oh, wow.
So, really, a lot of southern calls from this episode.
Let's get some good calls from other places, too, man.
Portland, I want to hear from you guys.
Australia.
What are y'all doing?
Y'all home?
Call.
Hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
I'm not sure that two or three-digit code I think you might have to put in a little bit.
And I love y'all's autism show, man.
God.
God made me a damn one Australian autism, bro.
People fucking on that kind.
Let's hear it.
I just listened to your podcast.
You're wondering where everybody's from and what they do for a living and what scares them.
I'm a crop duster, so I fly 145 miles an hour, 56 feet off the ground.
Great time, under power lines, and over trees.
What scares me?
I'm afraid of spiders.
But that really doesn't matter.
Man, I love what you do.
I always get a kick out of all your podcasts.
And even that podcast you did with SCTE, fella.
Love you, man.
Keep doing what you're doing.
Thanks, brother.
Love you too, man.
Thanks, Reed, for the call, man.
Yeah, dude, you crop duster, huh?
Wow.
You out there, you that hitman on them bugs, baby.
You a school shooter for bugs.
Damn.
You out there just taking care of those soybeans, corn, cotton, I'm guessing.
I remember when I used to work on a...
And sometimes we would get a crop duster to come in and we go watch them.
It'd be pretty cool.
Nice change of pace from the day, break up the afternoon or whatever.
Yeah, you should be scared of spiders.
Look, if you're scared of spiders, man, I don't blame you.
Those little things, sneaky as hell, man, especially sometimes you see them videos at a funeral, they'll climb out of a damn eyeball or whatever.
They're crazy, bro.
Spiders are...
You know, they're real Fred Astaire of the insect kingdom, too, because they could really...
Eight legs.
Damn, bro.
You've seen a two-step.
What about that eight-step, dog?
You know what I'm saying?
in the old day of the day.
They can do anything they want, really.
So I'm glad you're crop dusting.
I'm glad you're killing them.
I'm glad you're killing other bugs that are really doing bad stuff out there.
Because I hate getting an apple, have something a little worm, a little, something, a little hole in it.
A little damn hornet or something stung it or just all kind of shit.
Get a little ant up in your damn strawberry or something.
So I'm glad knowing you out there in airwaves, risking your life going under power lines.
Somebody's got to do it, man.
I'm glad you're doing it.
I'm glad you're here with us while you still are, dude.
Anything could happen to you.
It's a dangerous job you guys have.
You know, really, it's a really, you guys get euthanized all the time by the power.
You know, you guys get really shut down by God a lot.
So stay safe out there, man.
And keep killing them insects, baby gang.
And actually, we're having trouble locating the call that came in to nominate the single mom.
So we are going to postpone it.
We'll do it next time on the next solo episode.
All right.
So yeah, we'll get to that next time.
And thank you guys for being a part of my life.
Hope you guys are being good to yourselves.
You deserve it.
I'm feeling a little bit exhausted right now, so I'm going to shut it down and take a nap or do something to help alleviate some, you know, I just feel, yeah, I just get overrun by these stressful feelings.
And so sometimes I just have to shut it down.
So that's what I'm going to do.
On the way out, I'm going to listen to a song that I've really come to love.
And this guy just captures, you know, I've never had music that really just spoke to me, just spoke, was like saying words that I always wanted to be able to say and just couldn't.
And this man does it, dude.
It's a white guy.
And yeah, we're going to go out on this.
Gang, gang, baby.
If you're upstairs, stay there.
And I'll see you there in the future.
And I'll see you guys in Charleston and Asheville this weekend.
And that's it.
Thank you very much.
If you need the hotline, if you're struggling with something, 985-664-9503.
It's always open.
And I love you, gang.
I won't call, so you won't answer.
We won't talk the way we used to.
In my mind, I'm back at 20. Broken died in my apartment Dying young seems so much fun when in your mind you're all alone.
There's something in my head of me that always falls.
apart am i more than you bargained for Man, that's a hitter, baby.
You don't have to say you're sorry if it's too hard for you to love me when I get stuck in this condition.
You try to help, I try to listen.
When I dissolve into my darkness, your heart breaks, and I feel hopeless.
It's not your fault if I can hold something in my head to me.
That always hurts On my own I tend to fall apart Am I more than you bargained for?
Love you I wanna be where you are But am I more than you bargained for?
Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh,
ooh, ooh Yeah, man, y'all can go get that hitter right there.
That's Evan Bartel's Lonesome is that song.
Yeah, if that song hits you some type of way, let me know about it, man.
God damn it, thing.
That's the Muhammad Ali of my damn feelings, bro.
Praise God, man.
I'll see you guys in the future, baby.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voices out there.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
All right, so we are easy to do.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kai Club is a dude-bloody white guy.
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh ho ho!
No!
I think Tom Hanks just buckdowned me.
Anyway, first rule of Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Second rule of Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule.
Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
