Jeff Wittek talks with Theo about what's special about New Jersey, their definitions of success, and what he learned from jail. Jeff Wittek Youtube:https://www.youtube.com/user/jeffzilla3000 https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYFqBFDeDhmz_xPaMFJuQTg
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Today's guest is a barber, turned criminal, turned entrepreneur, and he was kind of turning, keeping all those plates turning at the same time.
He's a YouTube personality.
He's an entertainer.
He's fascinating to me, and I'm really grateful to have him in here today to learn more about him and to spend some time.
Mr. Jeff Wittick.
For me to set that parking brake And let myself unwind Shine that light on me I I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song I've been singing just for.
And now I've been moving way too fast on the rubber band.
What kind of fitness do you like to do, honestly?
I do it all.
I do a little bit of everything.
I'll just make something up.
I'll fucking run through this wall right now.
It's a pretty sturdy wall.
Test it out.
Yeah, I bet it would take you probably 70 reps.
To blast through that wall?
Yeah.
I would give it one shot and I'd give up after that if I didn't make it through.
Oh, you're not doing it for fitness.
You're doing it for more acclaim almost, or like conquering.
Yeah, training for life.
You never know what's going to come at you.
Oh, dude, definitely, dude.
You never know if anybody's going to show up and they're just going to be covered in drywall and you got to defeat them.
You know, it could happen, man.
You never know when you got to fistfight a contractor, dog, and he wants to pull out all the stocks.
That's right.
You got to be prepared for drywall.
Oh, you never know, man.
And drywall is a gateway drug, man.
I've always said that.
If somebody's doing drywall, it's not long until they're doing pills usually or something, some kind of uppers.
You ever notice that over time?
I mean, I don't think I'd have a problem with it.
You know, I'm clean now.
The only thing I mess with is sparkling water.
Yeah.
Sparkling water and drywall.
Yeah.
There you go.
If I pop them with this liquid death.
Crack it open, man.
Let's die together.
Oh, yeah.
Feels good, huh?
Yeah, cheers, brother.
Cheers, man.
Nice to meet you, bro.
Nice to meet you, too.
I've seen your work.
Big fan.
I've seen your stand-up.
I saw that one time you did stand-up on mushrooms.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was Joey Diaz started all of that.
Because that's the thing about Joey Diaz.
He's basically almost like if they had a construction worker video game.
Yeah.
And you had to get to the end and fight the big boss that's got all the drugs, all the drywall.
Yeah, he's all the good plumbing, all the everything, you know, tremendous.
He's an interesting character, man.
He reminds me a lot of guys from my hometown because I grew up over there in New York, New Jersey area.
So I'm used to guys like that coming in the barbershop and just fucking bat shit crazy.
Some real legends, I bet.
I bet you've met a lot of, and I'm sitting here with Jeff Wittick.
Yeah.
And I just want so our audience knows.
And he is a YouTube personality, entertainer.
I would say kind of an artist, kind of a...
I don't know, man.
I kind of feel like I'm in the same realm as you.
I feel like I'm the same age as you two sometimes.
I just wake up and I feel like I'm fucking...
Yeah, but you feel older?
I feel older.
Yeah, I feel like I'm fucking a thousand years old sometimes.
You feel like this week has just been one of those weeks.
Yeah.
What is it?
Like, you feel it like in your spirit or do you feel it like in your body, you mean, or like in your emotions?
Like, what do you think?
I feel like I've lived like a thousand different lives.
Yeah.
That's a great thing I would say about you.
Yes, you seem like you lived a thousand lives, man.
You see, yeah, there's like, I feel like there's a lot of different facets that people could learn about you.
And like a bar, like obviously you barb.
Yeah, I was a barber for years working in a barber shop.
In New Jersey, where you're in New York?
Staten Island, so it's kind of like a little bit Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Yeah, it's one of the five boroughs, but it gets left out.
It gets left behind, and it kind of looks like New Jersey.
God, dude, I always wanted to be from New Jersey, man.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, because it's kind of like New Orleans, but in the Northeast, I think.
Yeah.
And people talk a little bit the same sometimes, like way yet, kind of like, because people from New Orleans, a lot of time, their accent, especially women, kind of thicker women, will get their accent will get mistaken for New Jersey.
Just real lazy.
Just lazy, the way you pronounce your US.
Yeah.
You know?
Way yet.
The coffee.
A water.
The allen.
And it just seems as always so...
Like a lot of, does it feel like that?
Not for me.
No, I wanted to get the hell out of there the second I was old enough to leave.
I left at 18. I moved down to Miami Beach, and that's where the romanticizing started for me.
But I was drunk all those years.
I don't remember any of it.
Oh, you drank a lot coming up.
I drank heavily, yeah.
And I really like your stuff.
I like how you mix in the sobriety talk, and you talk about your own stuff, and you're very vulnerable.
Yeah, because I, you know, when I got into this game, I was like, I'm just going to fuck around and make funny videos.
I never thought to myself like I would be getting vulnerable.
I talked to your producer and he said that he watched a documentary, so he'd seen me cry already.
So it's odd to meet a man that's a stranger.
And he had already seen me cry.
So I'm still getting used to stuff like that.
But seeing you do it, it's cool.
You know, it gives me hope, like something to look forward to in the future.
Thanks, man.
Well, it's nice of you to say that.
I mean, I think you seem like a really sincere guy.
Were you always that way?
Or are you finding now?
Because it seems like, here's what it seems like to me when I watch your stuff that you've done kind of everything.
It seems like you're this being.
You're almost like this attack barber.
That's what I felt like a little bit, not in a bad way.
Have you seen the barbershop shot?
Do you watch the podcast?
Yeah, okay.
But, but I saw, what did I see?
The oh, I saw the one vlog too about this, like your history of your life that kind of like sums up.
It's just like a little bit of everything.
Oh, okay.
Which is really cute seeing your parents.
But I was trying to piece together, okay, who is this guy?
You know, what is his, it seemed like you've done everything or you've wanted to do everything.
Yeah, I wake up some days.
I don't even know.
I'm like, what am I doing all this for?
Because now I'm doing so much.
I'm doing two different shows.
I know, I see you do a lot of shows too, but I'm sure you probably go through it too.
You wake up some days and you're just like, fuck, what am I going to talk about today?
Oh, dude.
Yeah, the past 100 episodes, I feel like.
Yeah.
Has really been like that.
Like, sometimes I don't know, and then I don't know what people want to hear anymore.
And I feel like I used to be kind of connected to that.
Like, I was in this pocket.
And then the pocket just, I don't know.
It got either the pocket disappeared or I disappeared or something.
The connection wasn't there sometimes.
Yeah, but you can't stop because these people look to you for more than just, you know, some laughs.
Yeah.
You know, you keep these people going.
I'm sure you've got people sober, you know, that are relying on you now.
Yeah, I think there's probably some people that are definitely fired.
You know, they're excited, you know, that you're in the front.
I also mix in.
Are you sober?
Well, I mix in all kinds of stuff.
So right now, right now I'm on my four-step right now.
Are you just going to A meetings for fun?
No, I've got like 70-say.
Try out to try out a sit?
I got like 70-something days I'm going and I'm doing a four-step right now.
Okay.
So that's where I'm at.
I fell off, let me see, a couple months ago.
And I tried ketamine therapy.
I tried that.
Okay.
To see, just to help me with just like stuff from growing up or just whatever, to try it out.
Because I was off the wagon.
I was like, I might as well try this ketamine therapy while I'm out here.
You don't tell them that in AA, right?
No, I'll tell like my sponsors or whoever asks.
But I try to always go to meetings so I'm not like falling out of like the practice of it.
I've never had a canned flat water.
That's kind of new to me.
I'm used to sparkling in the can.
Really?
That's nice.
You ever see those boxes of water?
It's like a milk carton?
Yeah, it makes me sad.
Yeah.
Almost like a funeral.
It's like a coffin for water.
Yeah.
It's nice for the environment.
It's cool.
I can respect that, but just you feel like you taste like a little lingering of milk.
You know, like it used to be used as a milk carton, and now they just put water in it.
Yeah, it seems a little repurposed.
Slap a label on it, put Will Smith's son as the face of it or something like that.
And then all of a sudden, you know.
Yeah.
But liquid death I could get behind.
This is a sparkling one, right?
You brought this one out for me?
Yeah.
Appreciate it.
I'm going to crack this one.
Nick, got you.
Get that out of here.
No disrespect.
No, put it right in your veins, dude.
This just got me.
This is what got me off the booze right here.
Really?
I'll have 17 of these a day.
Like LaCroix I've been drinking, but fuck LaCroix because I've been trying to get sponsored by them.
And they won't do it.
No, no bite.
I hit them up.
They hit me right back in the day.
Liquid Death?
Yeah.
Oh, they're ready, dude.
They're ready.
They're going to die with podcasting, man.
They're like, we're going to spend all of our money on podcasting and go out.
That's the way to do it.
It's watching TV.
What are you going to pay for commercials?
Yeah, I can't imagine that.
I mean, the money that's also that goes into commercials and stuff like that is pretty hilarious.
Yeah.
Do you have cable?
I don't.
I have Hulu.
So that is cable, yeah.
I guess, yeah.
Do I even have time to watch stuff at this point?
You're doing what, three podcasts a day?
Shit, I wish I'm doing two podcasts a week.
Actually, I don't wish.
I'm okay with what I'm doing.
it's hard to...
It's great, man.
It's great.
That's what I got to remember all the time.
It's like, this is a great job.
You know, it's fun to be able to think out loud and let people be there sometimes with you to hear you think.
You see a therapist?
Yeah.
I got a new woman I'm starting with on Friday.
You look like a therapist, dude.
Is it the glasses?
You want me to take them off?
I can take them off.
Let me see if you still look like one.
Put them back on?
I look like a fucking New York barber, no?
Put the specs back on?
It's crazy what one little fucking detail can change, huh?
Maybe a barber at a library, you know?
Come over here into periodicals, and I'll freaking.
It's your show.
Would you rather me like this?
I like them, yeah.
I like them.
They look nice, dude.
So you started off in New Jersey.
You were barbering.
You got into drugs on the side.
It seemed like you were just doing anything.
I mean, everybody got into drugs on the side over in New Jersey, you know?
Yeah.
And you guys did wrestling.
I know everybody.
I know a guy who built a wrestling ring in his backyard.
I didn't do no wrestling.
But everybody loves it in New Jersey.
All the kids do.
Like WWE wrestling?
Yeah.
Okay.
People love that.
Bon Jovi.
Did you do your research like fucking with that guy Nardwar?
Huh?
Because if you're going back to my childhood, yeah, like I had wrestlers, but nobody knows that about me.
I never shared that online.
I'm not getting this from online.
I'm getting this from thousands of people I met from New Jersey.
You guys like wrestling?
Bon Jovi?
Y'all's moms?
Yeah.
Family.
What else?
That's all I know, really.
Meatballs, spaghetti meat.
Oh, yeah, all that kind of stuff.
Good feet, good food, things you could pick up with your hand and fucking put in your mouth.
Yeah, I eat fucking everything with my hands.
I don't eat forks.
People love that, yeah.
Steaks, too.
I just eat a steak with my hands.
Oh, you got these fucking wrist forks, dog.
You're in, bro.
But yeah, I think those are things that I just kind of generalize about New Jersey that are pretty safe.
Listening to Joey Diaz will give you a good idea about a lot of stuff from New Jersey in that area.
New York, but as New York, you know so much from watching movies and stuff.
You get such an idea of New York.
I think I just wonder, like, what made you, like, what do you think was, like, the fire inside of you that made you, like, want to become or made you already a personality that ended up on YouTube?
If you think back on it.
I don't know.
I think it's just where life went, you know?
Like, initially, I thought, you know, let's move out here and make something in the entertainment business.
I didn't know if I wanted to do stand-up and stuff like that because I had a little nerves to do stand-up.
And that's why when I, the first thing I saw of yours was when you did stand-up on mushrooms.
And I was like, first of all, when I do mushrooms, I want everybody around me to be on mushrooms too.
That's how I like to, because I don't want people on a different wavelength.
Not that it's fucking like, see how he just came in here and I'm like, what the fuck's this guy doing over here?
That's like somebody when you're on mushrooms and somebody is.
Yeah, that would be an enemy.
you went up on stage to do stand-up when pretty much they were all enemies until you get a laugh out of them.
Yeah.
You know, so that's fucking ballsy.
I saw this guy went up there.
He has a mullet.
He's fucking on mushrooms.
He went out there and said it like, I'm on mushrooms.
And you stared death in the face and you were just like, fuck this.
I'm going to fucking kill this shit.
Yeah, that was cool.
So I've been a fan, man.
Thanks, bro.
You know, I've been watching you guys' stuff.
Thanks, man.
That was exciting.
Does this bother you that everybody has mullets now?
No, I think the part that bother, like, not bothered me, but like, I think it's awesome, dude.
I think it's a confidence piece.
I feel like I have a big nose, so it also rounds out my face.
It gives me a more heroic style.
Yeah.
If you show up on a horse or even on a fucking bike, like that's painted brown, chicks are like, damn, who the fuck is that?
A bike that's painted brown?
I feel like if you come, like, I feel like you just, it gives you more, it gives me more bravado.
Dude, sitting there with a cold-ass neck, like some little fucking twink that's all cold.
What are you an accountant?
On a bus stop?
Yeah.
Fuck that, feeling the sunrise on your neck.
Yeah.
Like some freaking busted out twink, dude.
I ain't gonna say that.
See, like, I woke up today, like, this whole week I've been in like a little bit of a funk.
I haven't been feeling 100%, but having the mullet, you wake up and you look in the mirror and you're like, I'm a goddamn entertainer.
Yeah.
You know?
There's something going on here.
Yeah.
And I did this cut because I was going to skydiving school.
I was going to learn to get sideways certified skydiving.
And I was like, I just need a fucking wild haircut just to jump out of the plane and fucking take the pictures and shit.
Because you want the hair in the back.
You want it blowing.
A little extra parachute, maybe to help with the velocity coming down.
Yeah, baby.
And after that, I just rocked with it because it put me in that mentality.
Every time I wake up, I'm like, all right, I'm not a regular guy.
I got a fucking, yeah, I'm a skydiver.
I got a goddamn mullet.
I need to entertain it.
Whatever it takes.
Yeah, what am I going to do?
This is not for me anymore.
This is for the people.
Ah, I like that.
Do you really start to feel like that over time?
Because I wonder, like, the pressures and stuff that it, that, that whole, and I don't want to put you in like a YouTube world because I kind of separate what you're doing.
Put you in that world too.
Yeah.
You know?
But you're also human, but that's where everything ends up at.
So, like, I mean, your YouTube career is probably launching the rest of your careers and keeping you or allowing you to make so much more money and grow your fan base.
So technically, your main income is YouTube right now.
Look at the VMs fucking cashing you out.
They're not paying us that much, but they're a good zipper out.
But I'm sure touring was initially like your number one priority, top pay date.
And now it's all this other stuff you're doing on YouTube.
So you're a YouTuber too, bro.
No offense.
I don't take it personal, you know?
Yeah.
Call me.
Yeah.
I guess I am.
Theo Vaughn, the YouTuber.
Damn, I know it.
You went from having that comedian title to fucking, I'm going to change your Wikipedia on it.
People on it.
Theo Vaughn fucking YouTuber.
My friend Rob knows how to change people's Wikipedias on the spot and make it be that.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
I got to call him up.
His friend does or something, and he gave him some little cheat code.
Damn, that's nice to have somebody at Wikipedia.
You can just put whatever you want up there.
I work at SpaceX.
You know, like I'm a fucking investor in Uber or something.
Just put all types of flexes on there.
You never need to buy a watch or nothing.
You know, just have your Wikipedia stacked.
Yeah.
Dude.
That's a great call.
Yeah.
If you know somebody at Wikipedia, it's based.
You could say you went to all these colleges.
Yeah.
You have all this cash.
You do know.
You got Rob.
You got Rob over there.
Yeah.
I got to hit him up.
Tell him to slap Harvard on my fucking resume bill, dude.
You know what?
Let me see what I can do.
Take all my arrests off.
Never been arrested.
This guy was squeaky clean.
He's got a fucking perfect record.
Let me see what I can do, man.
But do you feel like at a certain point, does it kind of top out where you guys are doing so many feats and trying to do so much wild stuff?
Was there a point you realized I don't have that neck?
Like there's a level in me that I don't have, like a Steve-O or like.
I never had that.
I never wanted to do any of that shit.
I'm just a team player.
You know, I was like, I'm with this crew.
These are all my friends, and we all collaborate.
We work together.
It's kind of like what you guys got with your whole comedian podcasting crew that kind of blew up over the past couple of years.
We had that where we just collaborate, not for money.
It's just, you know, we like making videos together and we're able to help each other out.
We all work together well because we do it all the time.
And, you know, we hit that pandemic where nobody filmed for a while.
And my friend wanted to make this big comeback video.
And he suggested something.
And I was like, fuck it.
Yeah.
What's the hardest one?
I'll take that, you know?
Just to be a fucking team player.
Get in there, yeah.
And then the mullet and then the fucking, you know, the way you feel after jumping out of a plane 25 times.
You just feel like I'm a goddamn superhero.
Like how I came in here hot, I was going to run through your wall.
Yeah.
I had that, but 25 times worse, you know?
Yeah.
So then another little fucking thing pops up and it's like, oh, I'll fucking do that.
What's the worst that could happen?
I'm not flying out of a plane, you know?
Yeah.
And then, yeah, a year later, your fucking face is smashed up.
You do a podcast with another guy with a mullet.
Yeah.
This is the downhill of it.
There's always oversight.
No, this is good.
I'm saying it in a good way.
You're doing a podcast with another YouTuber.
I appreciate you coming in, man.
It's an honor.
What is a big fan?
Well, thanks, man.
That's nice of you to say that, dude.
And I would love to have you cut my hair sometime.
Yeah, no, I do mullets.
I do my own.
You do your own.
It's an easy cut.
Yeah.
You could probably do your own, but I would love to get you on my show.
I would love to come on, A. And B, I did my own for years before I had hair like this.
Yeah.
And that I did well.
This is harder to manage, I think.
You got no grays in there, nothing, huh?
I got some, man.
I dye them out a little bit.
Oh, do you?
Yeah, right in here.
Looks good.
Thanks, man.
I appreciate it.
Stress-free life.
Yeah, kind of.
I'm just hiding the stress-free behind dye.
Are you?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, just on here on the side, yeah.
It gets a little dicey.
Behind the mask.
Yeah, sometimes I'll put it a little in here.
When you're not, so if you're having a week that you feel like kind of bad or down or whatever, do you ever notice where it comes from?
Because I mean, I could tell a little bit on your face when you came in.
It was maybe a little bit of just like not exhaustion, but that was traffic and just New York frustration in me.
Still in you?
Yeah, that doesn't go.
Traffic never leaves, huh?
No, I talked to my father and he's just like, God damn it, he's cursing at the cars on the street.
And it's just, I don't know why that bothers us so much, you know?
Yeah.
But yeah, no, I came in a little, I was a little off, you know.
No, you're great.
Charming, nice, affable.
But I just felt like, oh, he seems like maybe your energy feel like, and then when you said also, it's been like kind of a funk week.
I think maybe the pieces in your head, in my head, are like, oh, maybe that's what I was thinking about.
Here's a question right here from somebody.
Hey, Jeff, I'm a huge fan.
My name's Mitch.
I'm from New Zealand.
I was just curious to know what do you class as being successful?
Let me know.
Gang, gang.
Gang, baby damn.
That's beautiful.
Thank you very much, Jeff, from New Zealand.
You want to take that one or should I?
You.
Man, success, I think just maintaining a level of happiness is successful.
But I was in the boxing gym earlier and I was doing sit-ups at the end of my workout.
And I looked up and there was like, you know, how they have quotes all over these boxing gyms.
Yeah.
It said, I forget the fucking quote exactly, but it was like, success is consistent effort over a long period of time or something like that.
That's how you get, I guess that's like getting results in like, in like a combat sport or something like that.
But I guess that can still translate over into everyday life, you know?
Consistent effort over time?
Yeah.
And like we do that with multiple things.
Like the hardest part about podcasting is probably staying consistent, just getting in here, getting it done, you know, like getting, doing your workouts, just getting into the gym is the hardest part.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Going to work, finishing the day without telling your boss to go fuck himself, you know?
Yeah.
Did you find the quote?
That was John Wooden's definition of success that became pretty famous.
Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction and knowing you made the effort to become the best you were capable of becoming.
I think that might be the quote.
I just butchered it so bad, but I wasn't planning on talking about it.
Just noted it a lot because your thing had four words in it.
But that's okay.
Yeah, but do you feel like...
Because it's something I wonder about myself, too.
I just wanted to get a blue check on Instagram.
I was like, I'll be good with that once I get that.
Maybe that gold plaque for like the YouTube when you get a million subscribers.
Like that would be like an accomplishment that I'd be like, okay, I made it.
But it never goes away.
It's never going to go away.
I don't think it ever will.
And you too, you know?
Where do you think it comes from?
And what do you think that is, that thing?
Because that's what's kind of fascinating to me.
Yeah.
It's odd, huh?
Like, what are we chasing?
You know, like, what, do you, do you set a goal of money in your bank account that is going to make you happy?
And then what?
Money can't be it.
There's no way that money's it.
No, because then you just get all the money and then you're like sitting around.
What the fuck do I do?
I guess I'll just get high on drugs.
I'll just do fucking ketamine therapy.
Like, I'm not saying that's, that's bad.
It might have worked for you, but like, we just always have like, I don't know, I need to stay busy in order to not like fall into the stresses of everyday life.
Yeah.
You know, so money is not it because if I reach that goal and then I don't have to work anymore, then I don't know.
I don't see that as like success or happiness.
I don't know.
I think you got to stay pushing for life.
Like that whole thing, like do a little bit of everything every day consistently.
If it's working out, if it's podcasts and you're working on other shows or you have, you do jiu-jitsu, right?
Yeah.
So you're building up in that.
You're just bettering yourself in a bunch of different things each day than if you have a shitty day at jiu-jitsu, maybe you had a good podcast that day.
You know, you got something productively right.
There you go.
That's what you're doing.
So that's one thing that doing something that makes you feel some sort of achievement, showing up, like making my bed right when I get up is always a good one for me.
It's like, okay, I started, I have one thing done, you know, even if, even if that's the only thing I'll even get done today, everything else I might fuddle through.
At least I started off with one thing, right?
Yeah.
But sometimes it's interesting because I'll look at like a family.
Like this morning I went to the smoothie shop and there's a family out there and there's like some, they're singing a song, Rain Go Away or something raining for a minute.
And they're like, it was like this two, a man and her husband, or it could have been a lesbian couple, but one of them was real.
You know, trying to be a man.
And then they had two children.
They were having like a sweet time.
And I was like, oh, that's, you know, whatever I'm standing here with things bouncing in my head and worrying about this.
that success.
Like, I think sometimes you see it in little, Or having maybe, I don't know.
It was like some piece of happiness that I witnessed for a minute.
These people didn't know that I was looking at them.
So I don't know.
Sometimes it's like, I don't know.
I'm just trying to look at what the idea of success is, you know?
Maybe we got to have kids.
You got a dog or anything?
I don't.
I got a responsibilities of other lives.
The stuffed animal's not alive, but it's like, you know, it's from a store.
I mean, it's good.
It's nice.
I got a French bulldog.
Oh, you do?
Yeah, he's 15 years old.
He's the oldest French bulldog.
I looked it up yesterday.
He's the oldest French bulldog in the world, and he's off the books.
I got him under the table, so I don't have any paperwork for him, so I can't get him.
Now, there you go.
That's the most New Yorker.
I got him when he was four years old, and I got no papers for him.
So maybe I'd get him like a plaque if I had his records.
I could get him that Guinness plaque.
And maybe that'd be like a fucking accomplishment for him where he's like, I made it.
Maybe he feels that what we're searching for.
But since he's got no papers, he's fucking...
You'll never get the documentation on him.
People don't know.
I got to get him a Wikipedia, and then I'll get that fucking documentation on him.
He could have come over on the, maybe he came over on one of those ships, you know?
It's insane.
I don't do any special stuff.
I feed him regular food from Ralph's, you know?
Just, I don't do anything special.
Where would he work if he worked?
When you look at him and you get to know his personality.
My dog?
Yeah.
Who does he remind you of?
Like a night manager at the end of the day?
He kind of reminds me of like who's that guy that just fought the heavyweight in UFC?
Derek Lewis.
Oh, really?
He throws those shots.
Yeah.
Like the big overhand rights.
Yeah.
He kind of does that when he walks around, when he struts around.
Okay.
And he's got that build like that.
I think he would be a UFC top contender.
Jesus, bro.
His best years are behind him now because he's 15, but he was fucking an athlete when he was young.
Was he?
Yeah.
Now he's slowing down.
Yeah.
Maybe we'll get him on HGH.
Can you give dogs HGH?
Can you look that up?
It is human growth hormone.
DGH.
We would need a dog growth hormone.
You need something, yeah, I would think, get dog specific.
I'm sure you could get him on an upper at least to get his wind intake stronger.
Look up what Mark Wahlberg's dogs look like or something like probably The Rock's dog is probably jacked.
You know, he's probably got him on some of that stuff.
Dude, I'd pump him with a little bit of nitrous, not every night, but occasionally.
Nitrous?
Just something.
I mean, whippet?
I think if you give him more intake in the air, that's what's going to fuel a dog.
A dog is a small unit.
I mean, it's basically a fucking little modem.
Can you do whippets?
Are you considered sober?
No, right?
Because you manage his air?
I don't think so.
I mean, here's the thing that's interesting about sobriety, man.
And I meet some people who will say that they're sober.
They've been off of cocaine for, uh, I mean, he's sober from cocaine.
I'm sober from alcohol.
Yeah, right.
I say sober all the time, and I smoke weed.
If somebody offered me fucking mushrooms or something, I was in the right mood.
You know, I would, I would, I might do them.
But I say sober just because the only thing I ever had a problem with was alcohol.
Really?
Yeah.
I never got into anything.
Cocaine, none of that shit.
I never really liked it, you know?
But I grew up seeing my parents, my dad drinking beer always.
No, they didn't do cocaine.
Not that I know of.
They might have been, you know, but yeah, I would always see my dad with a beer every day around fucking like three o'clock, you know?
He'd pour it in a glass.
Aww.
Romantic.
Like, that's his happiness, you know?
Yeah.
He didn't have a problem with it, but I think I just have a much more addictive personality.
Do you?
Yeah, for sure.
I go fucking, I'll eat a whole bag of sunflower seeds.
Fucking, you know, at night I'll destroy a whole, you know, box of candy.
Just heartless, huh?
Yeah, it's bad.
That's my problem.
That's my problem is candy.
That's my new addiction.
And LaCroix are fucking liquid deaths now.
Let me stop saying that.
What are you doing with the candy?
What kind are you doing?
Nerd ropes?
I mean, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
It depends.
It depends if I'm smoking weed.
If I'm smoking weed, I'd be into all that shit.
Nerd ropes, Twizzlers, Skittles, even the sour ones.
You fucking wake up in the morning, your mouth is all torn up.
You're like, what did I do last night?
We used to do that thing.
We would put one in each cheek, a spree in each cheek, and go to sleep.
Oh, that sounds like torture.
And just see if God wanted us to be alive, dude.
Yeah, because we didn't know, you know?
And my brother and I would do it, and he would fucking take his out, which basically meant at that point, he's seeing if I'm going to die.
You know what I'm saying?
That's crazy in his head.
Yeah.
That he's going to take his out because I was the younger brother, you know?
So I'd sit there, dude, and just wake up and just like orange out of this.
Are you the baby of the family?
I got two younger sisters, but we don't.
You're the youngest male.
They didn't really count.
Yeah, youngest male.
Okay.
And then I got purple out of this side, dude.
Just spree just coming from the side, bro.
Yeah.
Looks like Yodin.
It's a horror.
It looked like a gay vampire that it overthrows, bro.
I was not doing real well.
We got a question that came in right here for you, Jeff.
We got a lot of people who really love you, man.
A lot of great questions came in.
I posted a picture.
I tried to share it, but I posted the wrong picture.
I guess it was an edit of you.
Yeah, I wanted to help you out with these questions because I do stuff like this with my Patreon people and I do FaceTimes.
I do one-on-one FaceTimes.
And those are interesting.
Some days when I'm having a bad day, I just talk to them.
Oh, wow.
And that fucking actually changes my whole mood.
That's a good one.
You should do stuff like that because you get a lot of life experience, too.
I feel like you kind of have the same thing going on, like you've lived a bunch of lives.
Yeah.
So I feel like we got a lot in common.
It's not just the hair, you and I. Yeah.
And the Wikipedia page.
Fascination, yeah.
All right.
How's it going, guys?
Whoa, hold on.
Okay.
Just wanted to be ready for this.
That's a lot of voice in a person.
That's a lot of men.
Intentionally?
I don't know.
I mean, he's close to those power lines.
This is a man.
You know what I'm saying?
I would be probably 200 feet from those power lines to even make my video.
This guy is definitely...
This guy probably's grown apples.
Out of his throat?
If he wants to, I bet, dude.
This dude could spit an orchard.
He's got a fucking apple tree growing out of his stomach.
Oh, his Adam's apple alone.
I bet it's two pounds.
Hey, how's it going, guys?
Question for both Theo and Jeff.
As we know, both of you have dabbled in the dark arts before.
So what is your guys' each motivational factor that led you to change?
All right, that's my question.
Love you guys both.
Sure the cast will be great.
Gang, gang, baby.
Hell yeah, bro.
Gang, gang.
Gang, baby.
What you got there, Jeffrey?
Fucking, what was the question again?
What was your motivation if you dabbled in the dark arts, drugs, alcohol, sexual deviance?
Well, I was like, I think I was around like 28, and I'm like, what the hell am I doing with my life?
I'm kind of half-assed in everything.
I'm half-ass in drug dealing.
I'm half-ass in social media.
It's kind of a weird career to merge.
It's like if I was a rapper and I sold crack before, cool, that's normal.
But like if you're a YouTuber that fucking sold drugs before, it's a little weird to get people to understand.
But I could see that.
I guess if I just explain it like that, like I'm like 50 cent of the fucking YouTube game, you know?
Right, gang, yeah.
I should be dead, but I'm still here.
Yeah.
I sold drugs before.
I'm doing this shit now.
Oh, I like it.
But how I got sober, how I fucking got sober of alcohol, I was like, I need to take one of these things serious and give it 100% because you can't half-ass selling weed.
You know, you got to collect money.
People don't want to fucking send you money if you're acting like a clown on the internet.
You know, like, who is this guy?
Right, I'm not paying him.
He's crying in his videos on YouTube.
I'm not fucking paying that guy.
Well, I'm never going to get paid, but yeah.
Do you cry a lot?
I mean, I've definitely probably teared up, actually.
Some of it is seasonal.
I think I've actually seen you cry too before.
Some of it is.
It's not that big a deal.
It's not that memorable.
That's me.
That's what I thought.
That's the video he posted.
Oh, it is.
I was like, send Theo question.
I'm going on his podcast tomorrow.
I had the wrong guy.
That's not at all you.
Is it your relative, maybe?
I mean, twin brother, long-lost evil twin?
In college, dude, minus the tats and a lot of the I have the same shirt.
Is this like a fan?
Honestly.
This gentleman, I believe, lives in Indiana, and we've communicated.
Oh, this is a real person.
This is a real man, yeah.
This is a real person.
I just got the wrong guy.
He got the wrong guy.
Great guy.
I've heard he's a really nice guy.
And he's jacking.
If we want, I'm not going to say he has HGH, but if we want HGH, he's the guy to call.
I bet we could probably squeeze a hair of his under.
Looks like he has the Rocks tattoo over there.
Oh, he might.
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But back to what I was saying, that guy's question.
So I had to take it serious.
You know, you can't half-ass both things.
So I was like waking up hungover and then you have to get to filming and stuff like that and you don't have your confidence that you had at the night before with your five asshole friends.
And yet, I was fucking killing it.
I was on fire because I had the confidence of the booze.
But then it just, it levels out in the morning and you're fucking down and now it's time to entertain the masses.
You're talking 100,000 million.
Who knows?
Yeah, you have a huge channel.
What's more important?
Fucking Steve and Kyle and fucking whoever at the bar?
Donnie.
Yeah.
Those assholes don't even remember because they were wasted too.
Yeah, and they didn't have anything to do really the next morning, maybe or whatever.
But they didn't have to do this the next morning.
That's what I'm saying.
No.
So, yeah, you need to be calm.
And look, now that shit fades because sometimes I wake up not feeling confident still to this day.
Okay, so then what's the difference?
Because this is interesting for me too, man, even hearing you talk about this because I can totally relate to that.
Like having the confidence the night before, if you've been drinking or out having fun with your buddies, but then suddenly feel, you know, it's just that thing's missing in the morning and you're like, damn.
Yeah.
It's hard to just get it.
Yeah, just go for a good run.
Maybe have a black coffee.
Go for a good run.
Oh, a good run helps, huh?
Push yourself.
Yeah.
You know, overcome something that's mentally tough.
And then, I don't know, maybe you just hit the reset button.
But yeah, after you stop drinking for a while, you lose that like, like, damn, this feels great waking up fucking sober, you know?
But it like, it fades.
You got to find new ways to, you know, get that feeling of like just freshness in the morning, fresh and ready to go.
You wake up happy.
Maybe you stop jerking off or, you know, no sex.
Maybe lay off the candy at night.
Yeah, but then, but then you start to get to the part where it's like, well, what do you have?
You do anything?
You know, I know it's true.
I bought a vape last week and did freaking half a thing of damn peach pear nerds or, you know, space, whatever.
Oh, you got one of the ones that you juice up yourself?
Yeah.
I didn't even want to, dude.
I went in there and I didn't know what I was doing.
And the guy in there was so, the guy looked like both of his parents were weed.
Like he was so fucking high, dude.
Like if his mom came in, she would have been in a cellophane bag, right?
Do you even, do you smoke cigarettes?
Uh-huh.
Are you addicted to nicotine?
No, but I just needed something to get.
And the flavors are coming out with, you know, I love like banana pudding.
I love creme brulee.
Sounds like you're going down a.
It's a dark road, bro.
So next thing I'm in there, dude, I have like nine different dessert vapes, dude.
I'm leaving out of there.
I mean, it was like a Cheesecake Factory page.
Yeah, that place ain't for you, dude.
That place ain't for you.
But yeah, having some kind of a vice, some kind of thing I want, having to reset myself when I don't feel good, that's the toughest thing to do.
I feel like for me, when I'm not feeling good, and it probably has nothing to do with anything external in the world, it's all internal.
How do I reset myself to be able to be okay to others, first of all, and then okay to myself and have a productive day?
And then I think that probably is some type of a success.
If you can figure out whatever that is, for some people, maybe it is.
You have a family.
For some people, maybe it is you do something for someone else, you know, go for a run.
Sometimes doing a yoga or something, if I can just get over that hump of uncomfortable, sometimes it's just a hill.
Yeah.
You know, anyway, I didn't mean to go for that.
I'll just love it.
Maybe go on a fucking $100,000 Hawaiian vacation.
You know, maybe that'll help.
I think that could help.
Maybe that'll fucking help you hit the reset button.
Yeah, that could definitely help, man.
I've not been on that.
Did we talk about money and happiness?
We just said, I mean, I didn't have any money and then I've made some money.
I don't have a ton of money, but I've made some money and I don't know if it may, I don't do not think it's made me any happier.
Yeah.
In liquid death, he's not happy enough.
Yeah.
You got to fucking fucking step it up.
Here's somebody right here who's obviously unhappy.
Hey, hey, it's Michael McNeil.
Who's the happiest guy I've ever seen in my life?
Don't judge a book by its cover, huh?
Text to Theo.
You're one of my favorite comedians on the freaking planet.
Listen to you on the daily.
My question is.
You all just got an apology, man.
What was the greatest lesson that you learned being in prison, and how does it translate into your business or your personal life?
And Theo, you definitely look like someone who's been to prison and came out with a rough, rough life.
So what's your life lesson, Theo?
Love you guys.
Gang, gang.
Gang, gang.
Gang, baby.
That's a great question, Jeffrey, since you really have the prison experience amongst us.
Did you go to federal?
I went to jail.
No, I was in jail.
You went to Miami-Dade.
I saw that.
Miami-Dade, I was out in Japan.
How many years would you spend?
Yeah.
I have been locked up several times, but I never did prison.
That's after, once you go over a year, that's prison.
So I've only been to jail.
But yeah, life lessons that I've learned is fucking don't do stupid shit and go back because it sucks.
It's not like there's not people in there that are interesting to talk to, you know?
Like maybe I'd find a gem like you and I'd hang out and we'd fucking hit it off, you know?
That's rare that you get that because it's not smart people that get arrested.
And my bunky was in there for murder.
And when I asked him, finally, I worked up the courage to ask him what he was in there for.
He was like, oh, I shot at somebody and I hit him in the head.
And I'm like, the fuck, you fucking, so you fucking shot a guy in the head.
Unique way to say it.
Yeah.
But I guess.
It was the guy's fault.
Yeah, but it was the guy's fault.
But fuck, I guess it's like if you're doing like gangster shit and you're just shooting at fucking, like you're not actually, maybe he wasn't intending to kill the guy.
Maybe he was just trying to scare him.
You know, and he fucking, I guess that's how he was trying to phrase it.
Or maybe that's how he lives it himself and convinces himself.
But how dumb is it to be to shoot aimlessly?
At least if you're smart, you're going to shoot where you want to shoot.
Yeah.
So then it's like, oh, I'm going to shoot him in the leg so he doesn't die.
Yeah.
And I still get to be a shooter.
Yeah.
You know?
Whereas I'm just going to shoot anywhere and see what happens.
He's going to leave it up to the luck of the bullets.
Yeah.
That's insane.
Maybe he needs to.
I don't know.
He obviously.
He needs specificity.
He obviously wasn't the smartest guy, which is my point.
There's not much you can learn in there.
You know, it's very political.
It doesn't really make much sense.
You know, the inmates give each other a bunch of rules.
And if you break them, then you're getting beat up by your own people.
Was it scary?
Yeah.
Of course.
Yeah.
But, you know, I'm sure you get used to it over time.
Were you angry at the system?
Were you angry at yourself?
Like at that point?
Like, I fucking got arrested for the dumbest shit.
It's never something planned.
You know, it's usually something that you just slip up.
You know?
Yeah.
It's not even like.
I've done way worse shit that I haven't gotten in trouble for.
Never hurt anybody and nothing violent, but like, yeah.
So it's just guilt.
I feel dumb.
And then like the only thing you can really do is read like a Bible or go to church.
They have like a church on Sunday.
Oh, really?
Yeah, God will find you in jail.
Yeah.
You know, and even the pastor or priest or whatever, he's like telling you like you were put here for a reason.
And like that'll really get you because you're like, I'm here.
I was here, put here for a reason.
Maybe it is to find God.
Yeah.
That's why everybody leaves.
Lord it up.
Oh, yeah.
And did you find, did you have a couple weeks where you were like in the, where you really got into the Lord Club kind of?
Well, I was raised.
Yeah, I believe in God too.
Yeah.
I don't know what exact religion fits me perfectly right now at this moment because like the Catholic Church did all that stuff with the kids and stuff like that.
I don't know.
I don't want to get into stuff like that.
But yeah, I believe in God.
Well, humans falter so much trying to sh because you're trying to share the or you're trying to share the message of something that's it's a lot of pressure for anybody to put it's a lot of pressure to put on humans to convey I feel like the ability and the the truth of what a god is I feel like it doesn't it seem like on as on a human like no matter if they're the priest or
the bishop or whatever it's like that's a lot of fucking pressure that this dude's gonna be the filter for that kind of shit yeah yeah so you mask that you know you take that kind of like that I think a lot of those guys get a lot of power hungry power happy a lot of them on jets now and stuff dude wearing like oh have you seen righteous gemstones on hbo I love that show god I wanted to be on there that that's actually the inspiration behind the mullet Kenny Powers not in that show yeah eastbound and down oh of course for me to get the mullet I was like fucking
I'm jumping out of these corners northeastbound and up dude yeah what do you mean Jeff Wittick northeast oh yeah yeah just like I was just saying where you're from but um I'm just yeah I want to I want to be on the same wavelength as you Theo your brain you got an interesting brain you're one of a kind you got it one you have a specific style in your comedy that I don't know who you are even close to who I could compare you to you know it's thanks man you know what I'm saying right well I think you have a real ability man that people Love you for
some reason.
Yeah, I don't know what it is.
Did you switch out producers?
Because I watched a podcast episode.
I thought you had like a small Asian boy or was helping you out in Nashville.
We have a fella.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, named Riley.
He's still around.
He does a lot of stuff with the church.
He's with the church.
And so it's hard to get a hold of him.
He does outings, Boy Scouts.
Oh, yeah.
He's a man.
How old is he still doing Boy Scouts?
He's 20, I think.
I got a bunch of 20-year-olds working for me, setting up my shit.
And they're all fucking idiots.
They have no credentials to be doing any of this stuff, but I love them.
They make me happy.
I don't care if you have all this fucking year and stuff.
If you just make me happy, you just got to be in a good mood to film sometimes.
Like this guy, when I first came in here and saw him, he got me right out of it.
Yeah, he loves you.
Nick's a big fan of yours.
Thank you, Nick.
Big fan of yours, too.
Thank you for setting this up.
Yeah, Nick's done a great job, man.
He's helped this podcast so much over the years.
But yeah, having a fucking bunch of 20-year-olds, you know.
That energy is fun because they're just like, it's so funny looking on maps and stuff.
They say no cap all the time.
I'm like, stop saying that fucking shit around here.
Yeah, they're all wearing chains and like getting to baby tattoos and shit.
It's fucking pretty hot.
The little Uzi Vert and stuff like that.
They keep me young, but also, you know, now I might fuck.
What if there's a draft?
We might lose them all.
You know, I'm having no team.
They'll rope up all my 20-year-old guys.
Can you even imagine if there's a draft, dude?
We're going to be basically a bunch of people hiding with vapes on the front line.
That's exactly who it is.
The 20-year-olds now?
Damn.
We're fucked now.
They're all going to be doing those looted fucking TikToks and shit.
Those are viral TikToks about war in Afghanistan.
I haven't seen those yet.
Those new ones, you haven't seen the ones, everyone hanging on the plane?
I've seen some of that yesterday, yes.
But I haven't seen...
Like, we're over here talking about, oh, it's tough to get in here and do a podcast once a week when these guys are hanging on the sides of planes because their lives are so shit.
Right.
But it's like, it does.
But then it's like, if it weren't for social media and stuff, I wouldn't know about that, which is, or some of it I wouldn't see.
And it's okay.
It doesn't mean that I don't want to know about it.
But it's interesting the amount of stuff we know about now.
I don't know if we can handle it.
As humans, I don't know if we're built to handle all of this stuff.
It's like, somebody, you know, because then what can you or I do?
We could donate.
We could join the service if we get drafted.
Yeah.
We could help an Afghan friend or something.
I think joining the service is the only like actual thing that we could do, really.
Like posting something on your social media.
Yeah, you're bringing awareness to it.
But there's enough awareness, bro.
There's so much aware.
We don't need any more awareness.
I know people is dumb.
I know people is starving.
I know people are doing rapes.
I know people are unhappy.
I know people are mentally unwell.
I live inside of one of them.
I know people that shot people in the head.
Yeah, there you go.
Yeah, I do.
Even though it was a guy who moved his head into the bullets.
Yeah, fuck.
But the awareness, it's too much.
Yeah, we don't need any more awareness.
I'm so aware, bro, that it's like.
But it's money for people because it's clicks.
You know, we need clicks.
We need to fucking get some clicks on this.
You pro-vax or anti-huh?
Let's talk Taliban.
Let's talk fucking Building 7. Taliban shit.
Let's get some.
Let's keep this going.
If you don't believe in Tower 7. Building 7?
Oh, yeah.
If you don't believe in Tower 7, I don't even know who you're going to do.
It was an inside job.
I mean, look, there's a guy running out with an IJ tattoo on his wrist.
You can see it, bro.
They found it in a video.
My mom was in, she was in the tower.
She was in the first tower.
I know she was the secretary.
I think she was.
She got out.
Yeah, but she doesn't think it's an inside job.
I'm always trying to get her.
I'm like having the kids that my 20-year-old employees, they'll call her and they'll be like, we believe it was aliens that flew the planes in.
And my mom's like, what are these guys smoking that are working for you?
Aliens flew the fucking planes into the towers.
It's like a new conspiracy.
Yeah, she thinks everything I do is fucking like, I don't know.
She watches all my stuff.
Oh, of course, man.
My mom does too.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
I think it makes them feel like closer to you, or I don't know.
I think, I'm sure my mom has gotten to know me way better through my podcast than ever as a human.
I never talked about drug use in front of my parents, any vulnerable shit, nothing.
Even that stuff I said about, I might get yelled at because it's saying I'm not Catholic technically anymore.
I might get whapped when I leave.
My mom might be waiting in the parking lot.
They're driving across country right now.
They got an RV.
They're retired.
They're coming to see you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
They're driving across the country.
They're stopping at some campgrounds and stuff like that.
Do they stay at KOA and stuff like that?
I don't know what that is.
It's like a safe enough.
Is that like a trailer park term?
Yeah, KOA is like...
Sometimes they have a little group center in the middle where they're going to go to the camera.
Yeah, I think they're doing stuff like this.
I was out in Malibu shooting some stuff and I found a campsite that was on the water and I sent a video to my dad and he was like, that is expensive shit.
Like I want to find like a piece of shit lot for fucking 20 bucks.
Yeah, he was pissed off.
He just gets pissed.
I'm just sending him a video, you know?
Look at this nice campground.
He gets mad.
Do you think getting mad is like a New Yorker's just, it's a natural first reaction?
It's like saying hello a little bit.
Yeah, it wouldn't be normal if he was like, oh, that's really nice.
I would love to visit.
I'd be like, what the fuck, man?
Wouldn't you fucking turn gay or something?
Yeah, what's going on, Bob?
You gay or what?
You got something to tell me and mom?
Huh?
Let me get grandma on the line.
Oh, shit.
Grandma's dead.
We'll get a Ouija board.
She needs to hear this.
What about this right here?
What do you think about this, man?
This just happened.
Look at the body on the pitcher.
Baseball players' physiques are so funny to me, you know, because they're athletes.
They're pro athletes, but they don't have to be ripped.
Like UFC fighters, you have to use every pound on your body as a muscle, you know?
These guys don't give a fuck.
They're out doing blow and fucking eating fried chicken, and then they get up the next day and just throw a 99 mile an hour fastball.
That's really all you got to worry about.
It's just this thing, making sure this is good.
That might be the white.
You might be talking about the White Sox specifically, but there are a lot of good.
I think there's a lot of.
I think some guys, every now and then you get that still kind of thicky, thick guy out there.
Now, what do you do with showing him?
Now that guy's got some beef on him.
Oh, yeah, he does.
You got a belly.
He very, very careful.
Well, folks, I think I missed the point of this video.
So he said something racist to him?
Yeah, that was actually.
This was actually him.
He did a little Asian accent.
Now, what do you do with showing?
See, like, we can't change this.
You know, we have no power over this.
There's nothing we can do about this.
Right?
Yeah.
We can't change this at all.
We're spreading awareness right now.
Did you see that video of the girls getting her hand bit by the alligator?
I haven't.
Can you look that up?
Yeah, do we want to play this one?
Yeah, let's just get through this.
What do you think about this, man?
Did you hear the guy?
He said...
Now what do you do with Shohei Otani?
He better, better careful.
Oh, the announcer did it.
Yeah.
You didn't even notice it the first time.
I didn't even notice it, no.
Danger, man.
Damn, you got to know your fucking place.
He got suspended, too, for it, and here's his apology.
Well, folks, Shohei Otani is coming to the plate, and it's been brought to my attention, and I sincerely apologize if I offended anybody, especially anybody in the Asian community, for what I said about pitching and being careful.
You just started a world war, bro.
That's America's favorite pastime with putting Chinese racism in there?
That's fucking terrible.
I thought it was the players going at it back and forth.
And I'm like, this is just shit talk at first.
I wasn't paying attention, really.
I was thinking about that alligator video with the girl and her hand getting caught in the water.
It would be, dude, yeah.
But, yeah, no, that's terrible.
Yeah, do you think, you think it's terrible that the guy did it?
You got to know your spot.
You're an announcer, you know?
Like, I'm scared to do live podcasts because I might slip up.
I'm just, I don't give a fuck about what I say sometimes.
And there was like no filter, so I won't do live sometimes.
But this guy knows you're live, and you don't have a crew of 20-year-olds that are going to edit this after, you know?
I got the story wrong.
That was the same game, his next at bat, and today he has been suspended indefinitely.
Jack Morris, the announcer.
Even after his apology on air.
I feel like you let the man have an apology.
Maybe you suspend him a game, but I don't think it goes any further than that.
I feel like you can blatantly hear from his intention that it didn't mean anything.
Maybe somebody he knows who's Japanese has always said that in his life or something.
Sometimes you can have things stuck in your head that come out.
Yeah, I don't know.
Like baseball commentary, it's like, maybe that's not for you.
Maybe you want to be a comedian.
If you're trying to make jokes and get laughs, maybe you should be trying that out of the laugh factory, you know?
Not on a fucking baseball game.
Yeah, but do you think, what do you think?
Do you think his intention, that's why I wonder, what was his intention?
Trying to get laughs.
The guy's also maybe 70 years old.
Do we know how old he is?
Just out of touch.
Yeah.
Probably.
He needs some fucking woke kids around him to teach him you can't be doing that shit.
This is 2021.
He needs some kids to teach him that aliens are...
Your parents?
He's building seven.
Yeah, no aliens did building seven.
So you need to watch your fucking Japanese accent, bro.
What are you doing, man?
Yeah, we got bigger fish to fry.
Representing, like, our country here.
Dude, it's crazy.
We can get China's flu, but we can't do an accent of them for two seconds on a regular baseball game.
They don't fuck around.
They don't have YouTube, Instagram, none of the shit we have.
They ban everything.
Except they do have TikTok, though, man.
Oh, yeah.
I have a Chinese, a friend of mine is a Chinese masseuse, this lady Yuli, and she shows me her TikToks.
But how come we don't, I don't see Chinese TikToks?
I don't think they let us see theirs.
Really?
So she has one that she's able to use, I think, because, I don't know, she is Chinese.
Maybe her phone program is from China.
Oh.
I think she'd be paying roaming.
Pull up the crocodile video if you can find it.
It's interesting, and not to take away from this, this is a serious issue, but this crocodile video-No, it's not.
You're going to appreciate, because this girl- One of them is freaking one of the crocodiles is big brother, and the other crocodile is an actual crocodile.
Okay, look at the way this girl handled this situation here.
I could see my sister doing something like this because she works with animals.
She's a racehorse owner.
She owns Thoroughbred Racehorses.
She lives out in Kentucky.
For equestrian.
No, racehorses.
Like thoroughbreds.
And she does jiu-jitsu.
So watch how this girl handles this because this animal goes to fucking tear around.
Look at that.
Oh, this is not the video I saw on Instagram.
It is the same video, but I don't know why they needed to break down the backstory on the crocodile's life.
That's how they do it now, dude.
It's a whole Vice Land documentary.
this thing was at Nobu before it showed up no Yeah, that's the one we want warning.
Thank you.
Reminds me of my 15-year-old French bulldog, the weight.
So look, she goes in there now with it.
The thing's locked in.
Look at the roll.
She rolls with it to save her arm, and then she body triangles him.
Look at that body triangle.
She must be at least a purple belt.
Right?
Have you learned that move yet?
Yeah, I think I have.
I'm only one stripe white belt.
This is what you got to do to get the black belt.
You got to get in the crock tank.
Oh, I left last session.
I couldn't even find parking.
That's where I'm at right now.
Oh, yeah?
Do you go through phases of stuff?
Yeah, I go to phases where literally I'll get my ribs cracked and I can't go for two and a half weeks.
That's what my biggest problem is.
Oh, so it's a body giving out.
Yeah, it really is.
And that's almost sad, but part of that's depressing, too.
Yeah.
But take me through some of this, Jeff.
This is interesting because this, I feel like, is a difference between you and me.
Like, I would like to watch that Shohei Otani thing and talk about the race, and you're like, no, you want to see some rap.
She's a little bit of an alligator.
She's using BJJ, a Brazilian art form of martial arts.
And once we discuss it, I agree with you way better, dude.
Yeah.
I love the way that.
I don't want to come on here and start, you know, switching up topics and stuff.
If you had plans to talk about that, we go back to the baseball stuff.
No, you know way more than I do about how to do this kind of thing, man.
I think this is good, and I think that you – I love the roll.
I don't even know if I would have noticed the thing roll like that.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe, you know.
Watch this.
And she rolled.
That's total BJJ right there.
Yeah.
And then they wrapped it up the body triangle.
And while her hands locked in teeth, there's teeth going through her wrist right now.
She stays in.
To keep your composure.
No, nonsense.
It's Keith Peterson jumping in there at the end.
Look at that.
Yeah, this guy was scared to get in there.
He's like, I should have let him called in seriously.
Who is he?
Yeah, he's the guy.
What a freaking cop out yelling, we got trouble in here when you're the dude who's supposed to be.
Yeah, thank God that girl is trained, you know?
Yeah, that's crazy.
She's mentally tough, too.
Yeah.
Yeah, my sister does BJJ.
She's a purple belt.
So that reminds me of her kind of.
Are you guys pretty close?
Yeah, I mean, I'll beat the shit out of her now.
But that's like, she's older than me, so she used to kick my ass when I was younger.
But, you know, I wouldn't want to, you know, roll with her.
I would just close, not you guys with her.
I didn't know I just push kick her away.
You know, how McGregor starts his fights out.
He does the push-kicks.
Test him.
Just get away, Karen.
I don't want to go right now.
We're 30s.
We're in our 30s.
Dude, his first name is Karen.
And I'm Jeff.
My mom predicted memes while the aliens were flying the fucking planes into the towers.
My mom was out predicting memes.
She knew.
She's like, I'm going to fuck my kids for life.
Right into Tower 7, baby Tower 7 Productions, dude.
That's our new production company, Jeff and Karen.
Oh, is this McGregor's tweets?
But dude, McGregor does do that.
It's like, yeah, he's like, back up, Karen.
It's almost like you got a homeless guy coming out the street.
I don't want to risk, you know, catching any blood-to-blood contact.
So let me just do the push kick.
And it's very much like, you don't want these hands, so I'm going to let you know that by just, I'm going to put this so you know what's, and if you keep coming, then it's going to be these.
And I feel like.
Like, this in MMA is a good technique to start out the fight, like push them away.
But also, if you try that out on the street, you might hit nuts and you might hit fucking, and that's, there's no timeouts on the street.
So that's an effective way to get, to not engage in, and to throw a shot, but also like, say, like, look, you don't fucking want it.
They might get hit in the nuts.
You could take off, you know, before the cops get there.
Like, look, I'm still going to dinner with my wife.
Yeah, exactly.
We're going to be at.
Yeah.
You might have some dress shoes on or something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I wonder if you saw him in person.
You ever met Connor in person?
No.
Me neither.
But I wonder if you saw him in person if he looks.
Because some fighters, if they had on a hoodie, you may have no idea if it weren't for the ears, you know?
Yeah.
The ears.
Yeah, what happened with Connor?
Connor and Cormier got into it.
Yeah, Connor took umbrage with some criticism that Daniel Cormier made on one of his MMA shows, and he just started going off on Daniel Cormier.
Daniel Cormier is a fat mess getting into worse condition by the day.
God bless.
I mean, he's retired, you know?
Showing up drunk at media events the very day before.
He was in the booth calling my fight.
So he was upset at bias commentating.
He was.
Imagine if he had that fucking baseball commentator on his fight.
Yeah, he probably would have loved it.
Doing the Irish accent.
I can't help but do the Irish accent.
And I don't know if that's, you know, a fancy.
That's a great point.
If that would have been an Irish guy, I bet there's no problem.
Because I fucking love it.
He's so fucking, to be honest, I don't give a fuck.
Oh, fuck you.
Mr. It's a hard accent to do, but it's just so fun.
If I was commentating the fights, if I was Daniel Cormier, I'd be canceled big time because I would just do the whole fight in an Irish accent.
But I don't think you'd get in trouble for Irish accent.
Would you think you'd get in trouble?
I mean, if Connor's just pissed about him gaining weight in his own life and his own time, I think he's just going to be pissed about everything that Cormier does.
And look, let's be honest, dude, Cormier is that thicky.
You know what I'm saying?
He's built like Winnie the Pooh went to freaking CrossFit for two years.
Yeah.
You know, he's got that, he has the body style you're talking, that Bay Bruce body style where it's just, you got all the body, you got every part, and you're still great at whatever your sport is.
Yeah, and that's a perfect example because it's MMA where you have to, you know, make weight, but he's a heavyweight.
So yeah, you could be 265, you could get up there.
But now you got guys like Nganu that are now using every cubic square of fucking muscle on your body has to be like lean muscle, you know?
Nganu is a fucking specimen, man.
That guy is terrifying.
You see the picture of him next to the smallest heavyweight champ?
Like the heavyweight champ next to the lightweight, flyweight, shawl weight?
I don't know all the weights.
It's too many.
I'm like a.
Mine would be just weight, dude.
I need a few minutes before I go in the ring.
That's my weight.
Look at this.
Oh, my God.
That's that Brian Moreno?
Brandon, yeah.
Brandon Moreno.
Wow.
The lightest UFC champion and the heaviest.
Oh, my God.
And the crazy part is, Nganu seems like the nicest guy in the world.
Yeah, French.
French accent.
The French are coming up, bro.
That's Cyril Gagne.
Gagne.
Oh, yeah.
Nganu?
Yeah, that's going to be a good fight.
Who'd have thought?
Let's go back.
What did Cormier respond, Nick?
He said...
No problem.
Oh, yeah.
Two reps.
He'll hit it and then go again.
Yeah, he might just punch through it.
I went to the UFCPI in Vegas, and they have that thing where you punch, and it tells you, like, how much your velocity is or whatever the fuck?
Yeah.
And I hit that shit as hard as I could, and I couldn't even get a third of what Nganu got.
Really?
Yeah, and I had a shot.
I was there with a pro fighter, and he got less than I did.
And Nganu was punching three times harder than that.
What the fuck?
It's fucking insane.
Were you with Sugar Sean?
No, I just fucking pulled in.
I said I was with the Nelk Boys.
Oh, yeah.
I wasn't.
I wasn't with anybody.
I was just like, I was just fucking.
I respect that, dude.
I snuck in.
I infiltrated the UFCPI.
No, I had a friend there that was training, but it would have been cooler if I just left it the other story.
Yeah.
I lied.
I'm a Nelk Boy.
I like that, dude.
I think I don't even know if I know the Nelk.
I mean, I know who the Nelk Boys are, but I don't know if I know any of them in person.
Yeah.
It was Steve I met.
Yeah, I feel like you get along with them.
I met some of them.
They're HJ.
Yeah.
They're doing their thing.
Oh, yeah.
They're kind of like in the same world.
Do you ever feel like the same world that you guys are in?
Yeah, 100%.
Yeah.
That's so cool that so many people kind of cross over each other and do stuff together.
Yeah.
Dude, guys.
I got...
They make some edgy jokes.
They got me in trouble one time.
They sent me a package of merch, and one of their shirts had Epstein on it.
And my friend, one of my friends, he looks like a young Epstein.
He has like a little rat-looking face.
And I always call him Epstein.
So I made a joke as I was promoting their merch because they sent me a nice big box.
And then I was getting canceled just for promoting their merch.
So, I mean, it's just what you give a fuck to.
Is there value in getting canceled these days?
Like, my friend Morgan Wallen, he has, like, he got canceled or whatever.
And he's like the biggest musician in the whole world.
The N-word situation?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, he's a big, now he's, I think he's the biggest.
I mean, he's basically like the, he's like the male Katy Perry now.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
I mean, he'll be on tour for 10 years if he wants to, I think, anyway.
So that actually helped his career?
It definitely didn't hurt him.
I think the way that they beat the media beat him down about it, it just helped him.
It's almost like if you want to sell a good tour, get canceled first.
Not that Morgan couldn't have without it, but did you apologize or did he just double?
Yeah, he kind of did.
No, he did a little bit of like the song and dance, you know, that they make you do.
Yeah.
For sure.
Well, he grew up in the South.
Yeah.
You know, did he get a pass from somebody?
Because I don't know if that, I don't, I know that doesn't count, but.
No, but it kind of, I mean, look, he called it like he called his friend, his white friend, a pussy ass N-word.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
And he didn't say ER, he said A, which you can buy in music.
So to me, to me and a lot of my black friends didn't even think it was a big deal.
You know, it's really just the media.
But if you can get the media to bite into something controversial, I wonder, do you think it can help your vibe these days?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, if that's part of your brand and you just double down on it and you don't apologize, you just say, this is who I am.
And I made a mistake.
Times are changing, you know?
I don't know.
This is fucking, I probably shouldn't comment on this stuff.
Oh, I don't know.
I think it's interesting.
Yeah.
But I just feel like is cancel culture now something people can use as leverage to be a better, to promote?
It's almost like 6ix9ine did it.
If you watch that documentary about 6ix9ine, his whole thing was like.
Bro, and it's multiple.
Yeah, and it's fascinating, bro.
His whole thing was, to me, I'm going to tell these rappers, rappers are not tough anymore.
The guys who were shooting each other, they both shot each other.
Biggie shot Tupac, Tupac shot Biggie.
Did they shoot at the same time?
How'd that even happen?
And here's what.
He was like a month apart or something, right?
Oh, one of them must have shot straight up in the air than do it with an 80 gauge, though.
But here's the thing he realized.
He was like, none of these dudes, all of them are just about like internet cloud anymore.
There's no real killer.
I'm going to call all of them pussies.
And that's what he started doing.
And he's right.
None of them are going to kill.
100%.
They all just want to have their...
So you got to be more hardcore to be a fucking YouTuber now than a rapper.
That's so true.
I was talking to Yogati the other day, and he was like, what's the deal with all these YouTubers boxing their money in that?
And I was like, well, back in the day when rappers had beef, they would just shoot each other.
Now, like, YouTubers in our world, they found a way to resolve that conflict and also monetize it.
And, you know, like some people get into boxing and they love it.
Like, the Paul brothers, they actually live and breathe boxing now.
They move their trainers into their houses.
Like, they are putting millions into their training camps.
And they're, you know, they have resources that are better than most fighters have.
A lot of these fighters are getting paid two grand a fight.
I know.
If that, you know, how do you pay for training?
They're like grateful just to get in a gym.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's just fascinating.
Yeah.
Why aren't these rappers like if they have any real beef?
It's like the rappers have turned into the actors.
Yeah.
And the YouTubers are the fucking ones that are actually about it.
Let's settle the beef.
Yeah.
Look at us.
We're in combat sports training.
What the fuck?
Yeah.
What are we preparing for?
I don't know.
I would be willing to fight someone in a couple years.
Oh, yeah.
I think somebody like around.
I think if Brendan Schaub lost, Brendan Shaub and I do a show called King and the Sting, and he formerly did UFCing.
He's a heavyweight, though, you'd go after him.
I'd have to gain 40. He'd have to lose 40. Oh, so he would be fucking a toothpick, and you would bulk up like Cormier, probably.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I'd probably go after somebody with a little less experience because he actually has Octagon experience.
You're right.
Maybe Bobby Lee, he wrestled in high school.
Bobby Lee's a perfect matchup.
It'd be good shit talk back and forth on stage, you know, press conference.
You get up there, you fucking do the accent like that, you get canceled, your career blows up, and then you fucking beat his ass.
Yeah.
Dude, you think I could beat him up?
I could beat him up, I think.
I'd hate to.
Didn't he say some martial arts experience?
Or is that just me staring at him?
He does, but I bet it's Deep into his bone marrow now.
I mean, it is, he's put a he's more of a it's embedded in his brain.
It's his instinct now.
It's actually more dangerous that it's instinctual because he could just you know rekindle that.
That's a good point.
And his body's parts aren't far apart.
So I feel like he can like manage his body.
You know, like some remote controls, like the original PlayStation controller, like there was just a couple buttons and it was close and easy.
And then you got that Xbox thing.
You're like, what are you doing over here?
Yes.
I think I have too many.
Whereas he's just like, you know.
Yeah.
It's more like.
History punches down the middle.
That's all you need one too.
That's all you need to know.
A lot of people don't know Bobby wrestled at Powwe.
Wrestled at Poway High School.
This guy has a question about an opponent for each one of you.
Is this dope as YOLA?
It looks like it, but I don't think it is.
What's up, Brad King?
Jeff, how we doing?
It's your boy Meter from Jersey.
Theo's a big DP fan.
That's empowering, not the other thing.
And Jeff likes Connor.
I mean, would you guys ever, you know, get in the ring?
Fucking ratted me right out over here.
I think Theo would sleep Jeff in like 30 seconds.
Don't drive us against each other, bro.
We just met.
We're fucking finally warming up to each other, and you want to drive us against each other.
And he fucking ratted me out of being a Connor fan.
You know, look, I don't like Connor's actions recently.
Calling Cormier a fat fuck is kind of a little funny.
Yeah.
But, you know, like, yeah, he's got to work on his respect levels right now.
But also, he's going through some serious shit.
He's got a life-changing injury right now.
When I smashed my fucking head off the crane, I was saying all types of bat shit, crazy stuff.
I still am today.
I probably said things on the podcast.
Yeah.
Well, at least you could use a crane, Andre.
If anybody's like, why do you say that?
I'd be like, just show a picture of a freaking big John Deere.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
You can say whatever you want.
You're mentally handicapped.
Blame it on the crane.
Dude, blame it on the crane.
I made a song about it, too.
You did?
Yeah, at the end of the documentary, you'll see it.
So, yeah, I skydive into a musical performance at the end.
I couldn't figure out how to end it.
I was like, this is some sad shit.
It got real dark.
And then I just wanted to end it on a happy note.
So I covered higher from Creed.
Ooh.
Yeah, I was fucking jumped out of the, I jumped out of a hot air balloon, and then I just started singing.
It was like a, because I can't sing.
I'm not a musician, but I could do like funny singing voices.
Yeah.
So I did that.
And then I reached out to him and he gave me the rights to do it or whatever.
Really?
Yeah.
That's awesome.
Have you ever done the one that Josh Adam Myers does at the comedy at the Jam?
Jam.
Comedy Jam.
He has comedians and entertainers come on stage and sing with a live band like you.
Goddamn Comedy Jam.
Goddamn Comedy Jam.
Goddamn.
I don't know if I could do that.
I could do it for if I sold tickets to my own tour, I could do it for my own fans, but going out there for people that don't know me and then I just started doing a shitty cover of Creed.
I did it.
It was bad.
Everybody did it.
Like open mics?
I know Burr doesn't go that route.
No, no, it's not open mic.
It's like a real show.
So they've just, the crowd is there.
They know it's comedians and entertainers or comedians performing music that are not singers.
So they know.
But it's a real band and it's like a good, people are just having fun.
But people, like the average person has way more musical talent than I do.
Really?
Yeah, I don't have any.
I have like bad music.
What skills do you think you actually have?
Like what are some of your, honestly, what are your skills?
Fighting.
I could probably fucking take off the average YouTuber's head in a boxing match, you know?
Have you thought about challenging anybody?
Yeah, I've been doing it.
On my own podcast, people are sick of it.
I just call somebody out every week and nobody's taking the bait right now.
What about Ethan Klein?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, he wouldn't take the bait.
I mean, what's in it for him?
Money?
Yeah.
You know, how much money can you possibly give him?
He's not going to do it.
He wouldn't do it.
I would love that matchup because he's fucking, you know, said some things about me, but, you know.
He's a heavyweight.
He would probably like to do a debate, like a mental battle.
What about Trisha Pattaya?
I mean, that's man on woman.
That'd be a new thing.
You'd have to get a new league.
I thought she was transgender.
Not sure.
You would have to get a whole new league of like, who's even down to put that on?
That bare knuckle?
They'd put on fuck.
Triller would probably put it on.
Triller would do it.
They don't give a fuck.
Bro, Triller is basically like anytime I've ever been in a huge nightclub in Jacksonville and had to go find the bathroom, that is what I feel like I'm wandering through when I watch Triller.
Somebody's singing over here in this corner.
It's very poorly lit.
I wouldn't disappear.
A rematch with the crocodile and that girl.
They might try to set that up and just promote it, the rematch of the crocodile versus the anime girl.
Dude, that's where we're headed.
It's definitely getting interesting.
It's like we're all heading into this space where it's like there's just the things are just publicized fights now.
The UFC is like the biggest sport in America.
Yeah.
I realize it's my favorite sport.
Same.
It's great.
Football used to be my favorite sport.
Fuck that.
Men running around with helmets on and gear throwing a ball around.
Just put two men in.
Only one can win.
You know, you have to make that man fucking either quit or go to sleep, go unconscious.
You know, what's better than that?
Do you think you could have done it looking back on your life if you'd have gotten into it early and really trained?
Do you think you'd have had a chance in it?
Do you have that thing?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, I got in plenty of fights growing up, but I've lost some, you know, that might have fucked up my momentum.
You know, if I had a loss.
Who'd you lose to?
Do you remember?
I mean, I've had group fights where I just got clipped from the side and stuff like that.
Yeah, I remember I lost this one fight.
I fought some guy on steroids.
He was on performance-enhancing drugs.
I wouldn't test him or anything after that.
He'd walk around school saying, I'm off the weed.
I'm on the juice.
Oh, yeah.
He's a real juice head.
And yeah, just fucking, I was out of my weight class.
That's why they have weight classes.
You know, I tried to go after a fucking big dog.
I got fucking pummeled.
But it's a humbling experience.
You know, I wouldn't change a thing.
Except maybe the fucking, you know, the crane.
I lost the fight to the crane.
But even that, I got TKO'd.
I didn't even get knocked out.
That was a TKO.
That was a Dr. Stoppage, actually.
That one was a Dr. Stoppage with the crane.
That fucking crane.
Dude, we Should do a fight review sometime.
I wonder if that would be cool or not.
You and me commentating?
I think we just came up with a goddamn, you know, and get a fighter, too.
We have to get somebody who fights who knows what they're talking about.
Do we?
I think we know enough.
I don't think we do.
We could just do fucking accents like that guy.
Yeah.
And, you know.
Oh, coming to the plate.
We'll get views.
We'll lose all our sponsors.
I'm sure Liquid Death will stick around.
They're in it for the long haul, dude.
Going to jail?
That was your Connor McGregor, if anybody's wondering.
Yeah, that was my Connor, man.
Oh, I'm going to fight you, baby.
They're all bad, man.
Wow.
I mean, I get a lot of practice.
All I do on my podcast is talk about myself and do Conor McGregor impressions.
People are pissed.
Yeah, I'm getting used to it.
I got a soundboard and stuff.
So I got the 20-year-olds that believe in aliens flying planes, and they're just hitting buttons all day.
And it throws off any form of conversation that gets started.
But I think that's like what I'm used to because I'm in the younger generation where everything's just quicker, and we cut ours, those edits.
It's not like Rogan, where it's just they sit down and have a conversation, and they can just talk for three hours.
Yeah.
It's hard to be on Joe Rogan.
Do you have a calf or two hooked up to your penis if you do those?
Because I got a piss right now, and I feel like we've been going only for like a half hour.
Yeah, two and a half.
Yeah, two hours added to pee so bad.
I remember some of my, all my thoughts started to have like it was on an ocean.
Do you get nervous to tell him, like, can I take a piss break?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Because I got a little of that right now.
Yeah, I don't want to interrupt the show, but I got a piss back.
Yeah, go pee and we'll come answer this question from this young lady.
Okay, yeah, we'll come right back for this.
Damn, I was holding that in.
You were?
I'm happy you weren't pissed off that I have to go piss.
Not a chance, man.
No, I'm glad you're getting it out of you.
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Nice.
Hi, Jeff.
Hi, Theo.
My question for you, Jeff, is did you really lose your virginity at age 12?
And if you could go back and change things, do you think you would still lose your virginity at age 12?
Love you, Theo.
Love you so much, Jeff.
Gang, gang, snip, snip.
So somebody's been neuter.
If I could go back and change anything, I would go back to when I recorded that video and said that it was 12 because I think it was like 14 or 15. I think I exaggerated a little bit when I said that, but she did some deep diving research for that.
And so I love you back.
And I appreciate you for watching all my stuff way back then when I said that in a video because I was new to YouTube.
I was just blurting shit out.
I wasn't fucking 12 or whatever.
I didn't know it was going to stick and resonate with people.
It might change how this girl lives her life.
Well, what if she lost her virginity at a young age because you did?
Because I did.
What if some 12-year-old watches that and you're like, you know what?
I'm going to go outside right now and bang somebody.
I know.
I know.
So yeah, if I could change anything, I would go back to when I said that because that was a lie and I'm spreading misinformation.
I must have been 14, 15, which is still early.
Yeah.
But in New Jersey, is that early?
I feel like New York is, I feel like that's freaking...
So you got a hump by the time you hit about eighth grade.
Yeah, no, I had already been in and out of gangs, multiple gangs, different fucking...
I don't recommend you do the same thing I did, but you know, I don't regret it.
Whatever it is.
It's a little gang life, I think, that lady looks like she could use definitely.
Join a gang.
Something light, nothing heavy, you know, maybe a book club that also buys knives or something.
You know?
She might already be part of one.
Yeah.
She's watching both of us.
I think, yeah.
She's not doing, yeah, she's definitely doing great.
It's funny to see the crossover people that watch the both of us.
Because I saw you posted a picture on Instagram saying that I was coming on.
And like the picture you picked of me was that was the old version of me.
I had no mullet, you know?
I wasn't my true form at that point.
And there were people on there like, who the fuck is this guy?
Like, fuck this.
Who is this N-word?
Somebody wrote me, who's this N-word?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Pretty cool, I thought.
God damn.
Yeah, that is pretty cool.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, I guess you got some messages, but yeah, I saw people comment and stuff like that.
They were pissed off.
So it's interesting to see these videos.
It's nice that we do have crossover fan bases.
Yeah, her.
That's it.
That's the only one.
And anybody who likes getting their hair cut uniquely, which I think is so many people now have mullets, fans.
I know.
It's kind of a little frustrating because we had our thing.
Me, you, and Kenny Powers.
And now it's.
And Kenny really, he launched it years ago, but it didn't really pick up.
It was almost just like a look at the past, kind of, because he, I think, was a character from the past, you know?
Yeah, it's kind of like he plays an exaggerated version of himself.
I just, before I finish, I don't want to leave out Riffraff because I know that's a buddy of yours.
I've spoken to him too about doing stuff together, like shooting a podcast or something together, and I know he's an avid mullet representation.
He's an avid.
He's a piece of hit.
Riffraff should be in a museum.
Yeah.
Some people are like a segment of time trapped in a person.
And riffraff is like 19...
He's like 1989 to like 94. Oh, damn.
He's born in 89. Really?
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's...
You're both unique in your own ways.
Oh, yeah.
He's similar.
He's extremely unique, man.
Because we went to his place, man, I went to his place in Florida.
He took me like immediately dirt bike riding in his neighborhood and quadding in his neighborhood.
And it's not like a neighborhood you go quadding in.
So the neighbors are all like, well, you know.
They're all like taking their trash out.
But that's the only time that dirt biking or quadding is fun when it's on the streets illegally.
Yeah.
And if somebody's flipping you off while you do it, yeah.
Yeah.
And what are you going to go to a dirt track and do it the right way?
You got to load it on the truck and get it off and all that shit.
And your mom's there clashing.
If you get a track, sign off this shit.
Fuck it.
Just ride it down the street.
Join a gang.
Gang.
Yeah, like New York and the dirt bikers in New York.
Like Meek Mill over there on the East Coast.
Oh, yeah.
You would just ride the dirt bikes in the street.
It's way more fun.
The cops come to chase you, just skid, go the other way.
That's legendary.
I went to jail for that, too.
You did?
Yeah, one time.
But I feel like a lot of things it seemed like you would get stopped for, was there an act, did you rebel against police and that also helped you get to jail?
I wonder, was there an extra element?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, fuck you.
Yeah.
That's what I see.
I see, like, okay, there's this one introductory element where about 80% of people maybe make it out of.
But Wittick is like, nah, fuck you.
I got myself in a deeper hole.
I keep digging it deeper and deeper.
I'm like that kid in the breakfast club where he's like, you got detention.
And I'm like, fuck you.
And he's like, say something again.
And he's like, he just keeps saying it.
That's me.
I keep getting time added on.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, you basically stop by a police office to ask for directions.
And next thing you know, you're in freaking solitary confinement for a year.
What the fuck did I do?
Yeah.
That's a good question that lady had, man.
I remember being young and having sex, man.
And that was the best time to be sober.
And I have sober sex is for children.
I've always said that.
And I believe I was 17, man.
But once you hit like 12, you're just trying to find somebody who will let you put your penis in them, I feel like.
You just want to get it done so you can tell your friends that you did it.
Yeah, and to tell yourself you can do it.
Yeah.
Because you're this weird thing that wants to have sex and that hasn't done.
It's like the legend of Zelda, kind of.
No, see, I don't even know what Zelda is, but I can kind of understand.
Yeah, it's like Final Fantasy or some game.
You know, it's like, I got to get to the end.
I got to defeat the boss, you know?
Yeah.
The Vulva or whatever.
I just pissed off half your audience there, not knowing what Zelda is.
No, they don't have them know.
I just wasn't into games.
The only video games I played was Grand Theft Auto.
Just go beat somebody up if you don't feel like playing the game.
Just go do it.
That wasn't Grand Theft Auto, dude.
That was your 20s, okay, dude.
No, it wasn't even the game.
It was just blended.
Those were the Miami drinking days.
My city, too.
It is very blended, that time, reality, and me playing that game in my childhood.
I might be mixing some shit up.
That's probably why I said I was 12 when I fucking lost my Virginia.
Of course you did, bro.
I was thinking about the game.
Oh, you're throwing somebody out of a cab, bro.
I was with a prostitute in Grand Theft Auto.
Yeah.
Yeah, you do have kind of like a Grand Theft Auto kind of history, I feel like.
I live my life like Grand Theft Auto.
Yeah.
Still to this day.
Even my place that I live in, my apartment, it's designed like the mission room.
Everything I do, I go out, I do a heist, I bring it back there.
We sort out all the goods.
You know, it's just, that's my mission room.
You have one of those big bank vault wheels on the front of your refrigerator?
Yeah, on the fridge.
It's like you're trying to sneak up on this snack.
Pretty much.
Yeah, do you remember losing your virginity, man?
Was it a scary time?
Was it a good time?
Yeah, for me, it was a scary time.
I was in the backyard of my friend Tom's house.
We used to hang out over at Tom's house in his basement.
That's where all the, whatever we can get into any trouble.
You know, Tom's parents didn't really give a shit.
He had like a, we all live in duplexes.
My house was not a duplex, but pretty much 90% of houses in Staten Island are duplex.
Maybe even a triplex or something.
Families all living in the same place.
You can smell the neighbors cooking when it comes to the vent.
Yeah, we used to have that.
We lived in a fourplex.
Oh, fourplex?
And our neighbors made liver all the time.
And we would all, when the liver smoke would come through the vents, bro, we would lose it as kids.
We would go hide.
It was literally like this weird game of hide and go seek that happened.
I forgot about that.
The second that liver smoke, it would literally the smoke of it would come through the vents.
I just got so lost in that, I forgot we were even talking about.
I went back to thinking about Riffraff's hairline.
I just would love to fix it and just line it up.
He pushes it back too much.
He's got his boy Maserati Matt, I think, who cuts him up, man.
Oh, yeah.
I don't want to disrespect Maserati Matt.
Take it back.
His hairline's perfect.
I don't want to get barber beef, you know?
No, no, Matt.
And was it a scary time?
What happened?
You knew the girl?
Oh, yeah.
So Tom's Parents would be up on the third floor, and we would have the basement down.
So now we're down like four levels, we're underground, we could do whatever we want down there.
Beautiful.
Finally, we get some girls over to Tom's basement, and then that's finally when I was able to close the deal.
Now, were both girls that night?
Was it a plan?
Like, we're all I had to go out in the backyard because the basement down there, there was always people hanging out.
It wasn't that, it was like this room pretty much, you know, so we couldn't get anything done in there.
Went out in the backyard on a beach towel.
Oh, yeah.
This is where I lost my virginity.
That was the first time.
Yeah.
I hope my fucking mother doesn't watch this one.
She knows.
She knows in her heart.
That's two things that I said.
She knows the way that you came home after that and complained about the sandwich that she made for you.
I came back with an attitude.
Yeah.
Hey, mom, make me a sandwich.
I got a fucking beach towel on my back.
Yeah, damn.
My poor mother.
Have you been to Jones Beach?
Is that up like you guys?
Jones Beach?
Yeah.
I went to Jones Beach as a kid.
Oh, that's cool.
I caught a fish there.
I caught a striped bass off the beach.
Wow.
Yeah, maybe that's what I need.
You know, we were talking about the reset button earlier.
Maybe it's just a good fishing trip with your old man, you know?
Just go out on a boat or a lake, you know, whatever, on the ocean or lake, whatever, just fishing.
I feel like I'm always searching for a reset.
Do you feel like that?
Yeah.
Yeah, because things are going good for me right now.
I am actually resetting.
I'm starting back up the barbershop show.
And that was kind of stressful to kind of reset that because it's something I'm so used to.
And I did it for so long.
And I'm proud of those episodes that we did.
And now we got to kind of start that back up again and do that character.
It's kind of a bat shit, crazy barber.
Was it a real, was that really the way it ended with the guy?
That was kind of like a metaphor.
Yeah.
It was like me letting go of the old me that would burn down his restaurant if he fucked me over and said, you know, you got to get your shit out of my house, which was my house.
He moved into my house and get your shit out and then went and had this successful business.
I would have fucking burned it down, but because of my love and respect for his family and me putting that old version of myself behind, that was me transitioning in that moment.
Yeah, it's very weird that all this happens on a haircut show when all you have to do is cut the person's hair and interview them.
But haircut's such a changing of the guard when you go get a haircut.
Yeah.
It's such a like, how am I going to leave here?
How am I, who am I, what am I trying to be when I, you know, go back into my life?
Am I just going to have the same vibe?
Am I going to, you know, going to get a haircut, making some hair choices, there's a real thing to it, you know?
I want the hair exactly the same because everything's going great.
I don't want anything to be adjusted.
Let's keep it the same, you know?
Trying to hold on to.
Yeah.
Or I want it to look a certain way.
You see, guys sometimes have the same haircut that you could tell that they've had since they was freaking four years old.
You know what I'm saying?
You're like, oh, that guy is, he's sticking with what works.
That guy's missionary hair.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But guys got it easy because you could always like grow your hair back in a couple weeks.
You know, when women make a change, it's a big deal.
You know, that's why they want the guy to comment on it.
Oh, you didn't notice anything?
There's nothing different about me.
You know, it's a big deal for them.
Yeah, that is true, man.
And I think especially as women get older and stuff, the hair always can look nice.
Yeah.
And so they get their hair done.
But yeah, for a guy, when you change up your hairstyle, it doesn't happen often in life unless you're...
Like Shanel Malley is always changing his hairstyle up or whatever.
Sugar Sean.
There's not much guys that really do that.
Abe Lincoln did a happy life.
He had a mullet at one point, didn't he?
No.
Abe Lincoln had a mullet?
I think he did.
There's a drawing of him.
I've been to his home that he grew up in.
There's a drawing of him actually with longer hair.
Hmm.
There you go.
Oh, that's got to be doctored.
I feel like one of your fans made that edit.
I don't know, man.
That shit looks pretty fire.
This is the fucking theater.
Are you telling me if that dude Reddit page?
Oh, that dude rolls up to president, bro.
I'm voting.
That one too, the America one.
I'm voting legally, bro, if that dude rolls up.
Okay, that's doctors.
That's the big guy.
That's shake.
Yeah.
This guy had a question about his hairstyling days.
This guy looks like the type of guy that would get nervous going into a barber, going into like a super cuts.
Probably doesn't have a regular barber that he visits.
He goes to new people every time.
Yeah, do you trust people that go to a new person every time?
What kind of person is that?
Person that just doesn't give a fuck, just lives day to day.
But bro, that is like the Pablo Escobar of Haircuts.
Like, you are fucking to go to a different person every time.
Yeah.
So that's what this kid does?
Do we know that about him yet?
We should assume it.
I'm okay to assume that.
I'm that person, though.
Oh, okay.
We go to a different barber every time?
Just whatever's closest or open or whatever.
Yeah.
So you're not from here?
No, no.
I went to great clips and sports clips when I was in Minneapolis, and there would always be a new lady whose fingers smelled like cigarettes.
Yeah.
Man, I had this Italian guy that the barbershop that I went to growing up, I can't believe I can't remember the fucking name right now, but this place was like handed down from generations of like just Italian sons that would take over the barbershop.
So cool.
And yeah, I feel like shit, I can't remember this name, but who knows?
That might have been in Grand Theft Auto 2 that I'm just dreaming this up in.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Man, it's crazy.
Your life is just kind of a merger between Grand Theft Auto and real life, Jeff Wittick.
Yeah.
We got to the bottom of it.
This is my therapy session for the week, you know?
Save me fucking 80 bucks or whatever.
You're like, John better help.
John Wick.
You're better than John.
This episode's better than the movie John Wick.
That's what's crazy.
Didn't he ride a horse and fucking rob like a...
He did a robbery while riding a horse.
This guy's in a ball.
Times Square.
This guy's head.
I didn't even watch the movie.
I just watched that one scene.
If you even just look at the box, the picture, you get the whole thing.
I feel like.
Theo Vaughan and Jeff Wittick.
Two delectable specimens.
This one's for Jeff.
What's the best hairdressing story you have?
Gang, gang.
Oh, Amber Rose walked into the barbershop and she was like, I want you to shave my head and my sister's head.
And this is when she was dating Kanye West.
And I was like, you look like Kanye West's girlfriend.
And she was like, sweetie, I am Kanye West's girlfriend.
I was like, oh, fucking nervous.
And she was beautiful in person.
Like, fucking, I was very shy at the time.
And I did it.
I shaved her heads.
And I ended up dating her sister for a while after that.
I shaved her head.
And yeah, she was beautiful too.
It wasn't her sister.
She was just.
Is cutting a woman hair?
Maybe do Amber Rose Jeff Wittick?
Maybe we could find something.
This might reveal something from my past that you had no idea about.
Maybe I won't even.
She almost feels like Kathy Griffin's kind of son.
No, that's not.
I guess there's no...
This situation would come to the barbershop a lot.
Yeah, because he was, you know, a barbershop is a one-stop shop.
You go for a haircut and you go in.
You get everything.
Yeah.
So he would come in.
You get the ram, you get your deal, you get your dog.
So yeah, he would pop in a lot.
Like Sorrentino.
And he's on the juice.
I don't know saying he's on the juice, but I would bet.
But are a lot of these guys in New Jersey on the juice or they just look like this?
I think it's, I don't know, his cheeks look all inflated.
I think that's a side effect of testosterone.
Yeah, I used to do testosterone, man.
And I loved it.
And I would get jacked.
That's probably why that picture I thought was you.
Oh, yeah, it's true.
Dude, what about this?
So, oh, he celebrates five years of sobriety, man.
That's amazing.
That was just in.
I'm sure he's doing ketamine therapy and stuff like that, though.
He didn't read the fine print down there.
He might be on mushrooms, weed, and ketamine therapy.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
There's a lot of people trying to find different ways to get around it, man.
Yeah, like there's a lot of successful people in Hollywood that say they're sober, but I hear rumors that behind the scenes they're not.
Yeah.
I don't know Jared Ludell personally.
I don't want to say that it's him, but how's that guy sober?
You know, he's a rock star fucking doing performances in front of millions.
Is he in Kings of Leon?
No, I think he's got his own thing.
30 Seconds to Mars.
30 Seconds to Mars.
That's a good thing.
Same thing.
Yeah, same band.
But yeah, he's sober, and he did Recreant for a Dream.
He was in Fight Club.
He was the guy that got beat up with the blonde hair.
You know?
Yeah, you'd think you'd have to gram out after that at some point or bowl up.
But who knows?
Like, how do you come up with jokes?
I just like to talk.
I start talking on stage or I'll think of something from growing up and I'll start there usually.
I think I like a memory from growing up.
That usually makes me feel pretty good and then I'll try and come from there.
I don't like telling jokes when I don't feel like happy though.
Yeah.
So if I'm in a bad mood, man, which I've been in for a while, I don't like telling jokes that much.
Yeah, the whole year of recovery while my eye was growing back, it was fucking hard to think of jokes.
Were you agitated a lot?
Yeah, and I just thought I would never have confidence again.
Not the confidence part.
I knew that eventually I would stop giving a fuck over time.
I would just get used to it, but I just was worried that people looking at me and the first thing they feel is bad for you.
How does that translate?
Can I make people happy and make them laugh?
That's going to be tough to overcome that.
Oh, that's interesting.
Yeah.
And then do you become like a charity case or anything?
Yeah, you become a charity case.
Like whenever you walk past somebody and you see like they're in a wheelchair or they have like a fake like prosthetic leg or something like that, like it's always the first thing you're drawn to naturally.
You know, just as humans, that's what we do.
It's a surprise.
Yeah, exactly.
It's just a shock.
And then it's like, oh, no, I'm a comedian.
And then it's just so hard to get past that fucking prosthetic leg or something like that.
Yeah.
You have to compare.
People are like, oh, come over here and see this one-legged guy who's a great comedian.
You know what I'm saying?
People are just like, they're where their brain goes.
You're going to be staring at that leg the whole time.
Yeah.
But I watched Michael Bisping documentary on how he lost his eye or was like battling his eye stuff and he was getting surgeries on it and one of the surgeries got infected and that's when he eventually like I think he lost his eye.
I'm not sure exactly 100%.
Supposed to talk to him soon.
It doesn't work well, but he still has it in his head.
Oh, yeah?
So he took it out?
I saw a thumb.
He can take it out completely.
If you take it out, it doesn't reattach.
It's not like an iPhone charger.
Yeah.
No, unless this is.
Oh, no.
So he lost his eye.
100%.
Yeah.
And he won the belt with one eye.
Yeah, he beat Luke Rockhold.
That's not saying much, you know?
He won the belt.
I didn't hear the part.
I'm just kidding, the Luke Rockhold, if you watch this.
I don't know.
I know you get a lot of you.
Luke Rockhold's so good looking, dude.
We can make fun of him.
Okay, yeah, that's true.
That's the other thing.
I love you, Luke, but he's going to be fine.
Luke Rockhold, dude.
If he doesn't have a fight with the FC, he's definitely going a few rounds with somebody's wife somewhere, okay?
Luke Rockhold is doing fine, bro.
Yeah, so he beat Luke Rockhold for the title.
He won the ball.
Then he should be the super champion for pounds.
Because pound for pound, how much does an eye weigh?
If you take that out of the head, bro, that's a magical ounce.
Because think, if Khabib or John Jones had to wear eye patches for all those fights, they're not having perfect squeaky clean records.
I don't give a fuck.
Bisting money just, because here's the crazy part.
I've talked to him 20 times in person and never even realized.
I knew he'd had a bad eye, but I just thought it was just detached.
I didn't know that it was unworking.
Yeah.
That it was a fake eye.
You'd never know.
Can you tell with mine?
I'm just kidding.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, you did for a second.
I'm fucked up, especially on this topic.
Now I'm let me make an apology video.
I was doing a prank on Theo there that was not meant to be disrespectful.
Fuck, man.
That's racist.
I'm playing with fire.
Oh, look at your eye.
You can't.
I might run into eye troubles in the future.
I'm fucking really playing with fire, making eye jokes like that.
You wonder what will come to you.
Sometimes I wonder of All the things being recorded, since we record so much stuff, how easily it would be for anything to come back and haunt you, you know?
Somebody just makes a deep fake on you.
Notice your life in the future, like, say anything happens, you're like, Well, you said this, and it's just like, This is just karma, you know, like the Virginia, the losing your Virginia thing.
I don't even remember that.
I don't know why it's not even true.
Yeah, you're right.
We're fucked.
We're fucked.
We did it to ourselves.
This is what we signed up for.
I know we did.
You know, it is what it is.
What did we sign up for that we wanted people to know who we were?
What did we sign up for?
That's what I wanted to do.
I think to be remembered.
So when we have our great-great-grandchildren, they could look at our old podcast and see when we talked about fucking, I don't know, ketamine therapy.
But you know what it'll be, though?
It'll be a three-minute best of all the episodes will be surmounted in a three-minute best of clip.
I mean, even if I go watch Muhammad Ali, sometimes I'll watch a whole fight once in a while.
Yeah.
But mostly I just go see Muhammad Ali's greatest moments.
Yeah.
You know, and it's six minutes of great moments.
But you're a busy guy.
I'm sure a lot of people, like, you know, people are submitting questions.
Maybe they got time to watch the full segment?
Yeah, they get to do a deep dive into Muhammad Ali.
You know, I don't know.
We make the content, so we don't get to consume as much because we're too busy making it.
But I think you got to make time to consume too.
Just not all the awareness stuff, you know?
Like, you got to find your places to find your content.
Yeah.
And what is it?
Netflix?
I don't want to fucking watch Netflix.
Not super often, a lot of it.
I don't know.
Hulu's hard to manage.
I will say this.
Netflix is the most manageable with the remote.
Yeah.
Hulu is hard.
Hulu's like having a diorama, dude, and asking it to change.
I don't even mess with it anymore.
It's got too confusing for me.
I won't even touch it.
It touches to two different interfaces.
It's very, very strange.
And Spotify is tough, too, because I used to watch Joe Rogan's podcast on the TV and fall asleep to it.
No disrespect.
It's just, you know, that's when I have time to watch stuff.
Oh, dude.
Assume it's at night.
And you can't do that anymore with Spotify.
So I haven't watched a Joe Rogan podcast in fucking probably a good year.
You know?
Yeah, when he gets on there with that spacey brother dude, that's when I would really zone out.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Tyron Woodley or whatever that guy's name is.
Tyron Woodley.
No, he's not talking about fucking space.
Montgomery?
What's that guy's name?
I don't even think that's a good idea.
That's that Afro kind of in space.
You know, I saw a billboard for the Tyron Woodley fight, and it was only Jake on it?
It was hilarious.
It was on sunset.
This guy is a UFC champion, and you have only Jack.
Oh, that's messed up, dude.
Unless Jake made that part of his contact.
It said Showtime in the corner.
Like, how disrespectful can you be?
You know?
Oh, my God.
Come watch his fight.
Only one guy.
He's going to be fighting someone else.
He's just fighting his own how much money.
He's fighting his banking, how much money he's going to make.
He's fighting with his accountant after.
Man, that's like my fucking Crane video.
I put the uncensored one on Patreon.
Like, this is like just me doing something.
Like, you get to, it's like a pay-per-view.
Yeah, totally.
But it's just me versus Crane.
And how much did people pay overall, you think?
Well, I broke the record on Patreon.
So subscriptions, yeah.
A lot of them came just to see the video and then left.
But now I do like extra podcasts there and stuff.
But we had 47,000 people signed up.
And how much is the Patreon?
It was like $5, $10 a month.
Wow.
$20 if you want to see some nudes, slip some nudes in there.
Really?
But I never did.
I never worked up the confidence to do it.
I just put that option out and then I backpedaled quick.
I was like, nah, I can't do this.
Yeah, I don't know if I'll like how my body looks.
Sometimes if I'm with a woman, I'll walk out of the room backwards so they don't see my butt.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah?
Backwards, you go?
Wow.
That's a different technique.
Like a crab?
No, not an offward.
Not like that.
No, no, no.
Standing up backwards.
If I did it like that, they would almost think that's cute, I think.
But the other way is a little bit weird.
I walk out literally like a freaking quiet Korean girl, you know?
Yeah.
I mean, just like a moonwalking Korean.
I forgot what we were even fucking talking about.
We have one more thing we're going to talk about.
What was it, Nick?
Did you want to talk about the Taliban still being allowed on Twitter?
Yep.
Oh, the Taliban.
Yeah.
Yeah, I thought we got into the Taliban already.
No, we didn't.
We kind of talked about the plane.
Not specifically that they aren't kicked off Twitter.
Other social medias.
Taliban uses sophisticated social media practices that rarely violate the rules.
Wow.
So the Taliban, is this right, Nick?
They're allowed to stay on Twitter.
Yeah.
Well, you know, I'm not all for censorship.
Yeah, I support free speech.
The Taliban did try to kill my mom, or could have been the aliens.
So, you know, I'm not a big fan of the Taliban.
Good call.
So, I mean, fucking ban them, you know, block them off Twitter.
I think they deserve to be banned.
I agree.
On Tuesday, I did not find a single fact check on any of their tweets nor any warnings for false or misleading content.
And the part that's wicked about this is that this is just Twitter just saying, we will make money off of anything.
We will literally let people put – That doesn't mean that, does it?
No, I think it said that would violate their terms of service.
Is Trump still blocked off Twitter?
Yeah, that's how this article couches it, that Taliban is allowed on where, well, ex-President Trump is still banned.
That's crazy.
To me, that's crazy.
I mean, it's just crazy that you could have just because, How does the Taliban make money?
Just robberies?
I think views on those beheadings.
They're getting AdSense.
And I can't even get AdSense on my fucking barber videos?
God damn.
I think they sell opium, too.
Bro, you got to quit taking off the hair and just take off the whole head.
You're aiming a little hot to season three.
It's all beheadings.
Just only on Twitter.
We're going to have to switch platforms.
Yeah, YouTube's tough.
Yeah.
They were cracking down on me for a bit.
What were they upset about?
Do you know?
It's just a lot of blood and gore.
With the documentary, the whole thing got age restricted.
A lot of my barber videos got age restricted just because edgy jokes and stuff.
Once you start getting a lot of attention on it and they start human reviewing your stuff, then it's like pretty much anything you do, they could fucking hit you for it, you know?
Damn.
And for a while, I was on their good side.
Every video would go on trending.
And then after that, I think it did like one beheading or something and just slipped in there.
And that was it on their bad side.
And the age restricted like my last 20 videos.
So it is what it is.
Here we go back to selling weed.
Yeah.
I wouldn't buy some anyway because I'm just trying to get to this four-step, but I would probably, as soon as I get through all 12 steps, I might buy some.
Okay.
Yeah.
Maybe it'll help you when you're not feeling so good.
Write some jokes if you're not feeling happy.
So no, there's anything to get.
We'll disconnect at night.
Turn off your brain.
Yes.
Turn off Hulu.
Turn off fucking YouTube.
I got really into UFC like you did over the past year.
And even on YouTube, all I'm recommended is, oh, Conor McGregor said this, and they put a thumbnail at him, and it's just his tweet.
But I just get roped into all those, and I'm just watching UFC drama now.
There's some good dramatists out there, though.
I guess it's like WWE for adults.
Like if you follow the drama that they talk shit on each other outside of the octagon.
So good.
And then you watch the actual fight.
That's why I hope Darren Till is okay, man.
I know he just posted the other day, but he's been kind of on and off over the past year.
And he's one of the best, I feel like, at talking shit.
At talking shit, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So funny.
He just went across like four weight classes, though.
Now he's in middleweight.
Who knows?
He's like, basically, he's like the whack-a-mole of weights.
He's like weight-a-mole.
Yeah.
He'll just literally pop up like straw weight, middleweight, you know, female flyweight.
That's something that's not easy to do.
No, it's not.
I learned the hard way.
I told you I got my ass kicked by that juiced up guy on steroids.
You don't go after those guys that are just 40 pounds heavier of muscle than you.
If you went after him now, would you do something different after Watson?
Do steroids too.
Even the playing field.
Yeah.
Fuck it.
I'll get on the juice trail pack on 20 pounds.
Let's both go out at same weight class.
I would like to.
Dude, if White Claw came out with steroids?
Yeah.
It's even a brand.
It's a good brand.
Or Nelk started selling steroids.
Bro.
Nelk.
We just did a new drop.
You got to get it right now, today only.
Everybody buys it.
Whoops, too late.
We sold out.
Too late.
Get it next time.
Maybe next month.
Bro, Folson steroids, bro.
Can you even imagine?
Dude, every fuck-tarred kid with a fucking shitty bicycle would be yoked out of his face.
They would have to sell those out of India or something.
You'd have to go.
Dude, if somebody, here's what we need, somebody to start marketing steroids to Indians.
Dude, I'd love to see a bunch of jacked.
Oh, you're right.
There is no Indian UFC fighters, really.
Does Dana even go out there?
Maybe Dana needs to take a trip out there, go look around.
Maybe he'll find some talent.
There's a billion people there.
I think they need it.
Start some pizza shops over there first.
They need a little bit of New York, New Jersey over there.
They need some sustenance.
Yeah.
I'm not a big fan of Indian food.
I wouldn't be either.
It's hard to fight on Indian food, I think.
If you've had a bunch of Indian food, I'm not going into a ring after that.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah, I'm a picky eater.
I don't really like any other food but fucking steaks.
I just eat steaks three times a day.
Damn, really?
Yeah.
I'm just trying to bulk up.
Damn, you're like Jordan Peterson, dude.
I'm going after that guy.
They kicked my ass when I was 15. Fuck yeah.
I'm trying to get on his weight class.
I would fight him.
I'll track him down.
I'll try to track him down.
Yeah, I would fight him for you.
Yeah, I don't want to put his name out here now because we have such die-hard fans, they might go attack him.
And this is between us, you know?
This is between me and him.
I don't want to send my fan base after him like a fucking little YouTube and weasel.
Nah, this ain't no to-go order, baby.
We serving this beef.
Keeping this beef in the restaurant.
We'll talk about it after.
We'll look up his Facebook or something.
I'm sure he's on there still.
I like it.
Yeah, Jeff Weddick, man.
You have to cut my hair sometime, please.
Absolutely.
Would you?
Yeah, I would love to.
That's cool, man.
Thank you, bro.
Got the new mobile barber shop coming along.
Oh, God.
Pull it up right here.
Oh, do a van or something?
Yeah, it's an Airstream.
Good.
It's an old trailer, and I pull it with my old Silverado.
Oh, yeah.
It's a janky setup, but it's, you know, it gets a job done.
You heard that song Silverado for Sale?
No.
It's pretty good.
Oh, look it up.
It's really good.
I didn't want to admit how much I like it, but it is good.
Silverado for sale?
Yeah.
Oh, there it is.
Yeah.
Well, look, yeah, man.
Save up.
Yeah.
This is a real janky setup.
I'm releasing my own hair product soon.
Oh, look, there's my doctor who's the first comment, Dr. Eamon.
He's the one who did my brain scan.
He gave me a bunch of vitamins for my brain.
Told me to do hyperbaric chamber a lot.
Oh, damn.
They got you in the chamber, huh?
Yeah, he did the visit.
He's kind of like a psychiatrist, too.
So he talked to me about a lot of stuff with my brain, like what might be causing some depression stuff.
And he did it for a social media collaboration, but then I got hit with a bunch of messages saying, oh, that guy's a scammer.
He's showing you a different brain scan, somebody else's.
Really?
And I'm like, I guess there's no way for me to tell.
I don't have my own brain scanner.
It's true.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
The people that control the freaking equipment, that's who controls it all.
What if they're just sending out bad brain scans?
Someone told me the other day they think the people testing for COVID are putting COVID into people.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
And that blew my mind.
That's a whole nother.
That's a whole nother episode, yeah.
How did you get to handle Jeff?
We've had Jeff and Jimmy on our show now.
Oh, that was easy.
I just looked up who had it.
I tracked him down and I fucking made him an offer he can't refuse, you know?
How much did you offer him?
15?
No, I killed him.
That's what it means.
You never saw the godfather?
Dude, I'm telling you, we had.
You never saw the godfather?
You know?
I did see the godfather.
Yeah.
That's what making an offer you can't refuse is.
Oh, yeah.
Make you an offer you can't refuse.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, you actually guessed it the first time I gave him two grand.
You did?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's fair.
You know, did you know that Marlon Brando actually was gay?
Was he really?
Yeah.
I believe that.
Yeah.
Turns out that he moved out to an island and had like I mean, I could be spreading misinformation now.
No.
Is this true?
Yeah, it's true.
Some people even say Richard Pryor and Marlon Brando hooked up.
Oh, yeah.
That's the rumor.
There's a long been, I think there's a level of and for that to come out about basically the biggest mob boss in movie history, you know, like in history, you know, whatever fiction, non-fiction, it's all blended together now.
It's all I mean, we're all 11% gay at least.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think everybody's a little gay now.
Do you think that we are headed towards a place where everybody, like I often think with like race, right?
Where some of us are different races or cultures, but eventually in 10 decades or 10 times of having children, we're going to be everything's going to kind of be based.
Everybody's going to be able to get together like the rocks.
Everything's going to be based on Hawaiian.
Yeah.
Everything's going to Hawaiian.
That's actually what it's going to be.
It's going to be kind of Hawaiian or on a plane to Hawaii kind of ethnicity.
But do you think that that same, like sexually, do you think we're headed there or do you think it'll always be kind of predominantly heterosexual with some like people that are pan or a or homo sexual?
I think it's just everybody's going to blend together.
I think eventually it'll just be beige.
Yeah.
I already feel like that's happened throughout my life and I'm only fucking you know I've been around 31 years and I've seen it happen.
Yeah.
I feel like I don't know.
Yeah, it's definitely different.
It's definitely happening fast.
I just wonder if that's I wonder what nature's plan is because I can see how we shape things, how the media wants to like make everything very homogeneous or whatever it is.
But I wonder what nature's plan is sometimes.
I don't know.
I don't think it's up to nature.
I think it's up to Elon Musk.
Whatever he wants to do.
You know, the guy's pulling down planets that are full of gold.
He's going to be the richest man in the world.
You know, that's this whole SpaceX thing.
He's trying to get to Mars to colonize.
He wants to get some diamonds out of some...
Oh, if he pulls the first diamond out of Mars or something, then that's...
That's checkmate.
Yeah.
The richest man in the world by like not even close.
You show up with a new metal.
Yeah.
Yoin.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Maybe that's all we're searching for.
Maybe you're searching for a new metal, man.
We got to get up into space.
We're not going to find it here.
Uh-uh.
There's too many people already digging around.
We're down here cutting each other's hair, dude.
We fucking need to be up in space.
We need to get up to space.
Yeah.
We'll do it, man.
My team of 20-year-olds are working on getting us up there.
We'll do it.
Grand Theft Astro.
Jeff Wittick, thanks for coming in and spending time with me, man.
It's a pleasure, and I appreciate your earnestness, man.
And it's nice to meet you.
I'm a fan.
Oh, vice versa.
This is great.
I look forward to cutting your hair one day.
Yeah, soon, brother.
Yeah.
Practice on yourself in the meantime.
Maybe I'll do a little on the sides.
I don't want to do too much, you know.
No haircuts until I pull up the van.
Hold up.
You got it.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll try my best.
Thanks, brother.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh But when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to flip that pocket break and let myself hold on shine on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song we're And I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of mine.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Hi, I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
