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April 2, 2021 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:41:31
E333 Heather McMahan

Theo sits down with Heather McMahan to talk about what it's like going to college in the Deep South, hooking Riley Mau up with a new lady and the deeper meaning behind their zodiac signs. Heather also discusses the difficulties she faced after the loss of her father in 2015 to pancreatic cancer and what kept shooting for her comedy dreams. Heather McMahan: Website: https://www.heatherontour.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/heatherkmcmahan Absolutely Not Podcast: https://dearmedia.com/shows/absolutely-not/ New Merch: theovonstore.com Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to tpwproducer@gmail.com. Music: “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer: Nick Davis https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Producer: Sean Dugan https://www.instagram.com/SeanDugan/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
Today's guest is a real dominant and hilarious and just dang near adorable female.
That's right.
Female, baby, you know what I'm talking about.
Boobies, uvula, baby, all of it.
And she is from Atlanta, and I'm just so happy to finally be able to sit down with her.
Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Heather McMahon.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my story.
Shine on me.
If I were you, find a song.
I've been singing just on the phone I've been singing just on the phone She takes a hard seat.
It's fine.
She's got a crippling sciatica, so it's fine.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of my friend has an Australian Shepherd and it has dysplasia.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah.
Yeah, most of them do, I think.
Yeah, I got a Frenchie and they have every fucking problem with the book.
Do they?
Yeah, I like needed that expensive, fucked up dog.
So that's where we're at.
A lot of, I think, Frenchies.
Let me think.
Frenchies, Australian shepherds.
I don't want to say a lot of foreign dogs, but...
They can't handle a lot of, you know, they can't handle that American pressure.
That's really, I think, the facts is once you get, you know, even you get those shih tzus and they got them all pilled up.
I don't fuck with a shit.
I don't fuck with a shihhtzu.
Yeah.
Do not fuck with a shihhzu.
And let me tell you this.
I tried to do the right thing.
I went to like eight different French Bulldog rescues.
I was like, I want one spina bifida, one in a wheelchair, one leg, no leg, no nose.
One in nose where there's treasure.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
And I got denied all the fucking time because I was living in New York and they're like, oh, your apartment's not big enough.
I actually had a very nice apartment for New York.
And so we kept getting denied.
And so my husband was like, fuck this.
He's like, after we got denied like the seventh time, he's like, we would be perfect parents.
We were like, let's get the most expensive purebred.
We were just like, let's find the breeder who's got like, just wears gold all the time.
And that's the way we would.
Napoleon, I want one fresh out of Napoleon's nutsack.
That's how French I want this thing to be, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's tough.
I've been thinking about trying to get a dog.
And so I've been thinking about like what kind they get.
Like, I think about, yeah, how pure can they get?
How pure can the breeding get?
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
I want that shit.
I want that thing afraid to show up to war.
That's how French I want it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, I want it.
You want it pure, but you also want it a little slutty, though, too.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You do.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I guess I could see maybe a, I don't know if they had a lot of slutty dogs, boss, growing up.
I'm trying to think of the dogs that I would see when I was young.
Well, we used to bet, like, if a dog was giving birth, people would go out and bet on it and bet how many babies it was going to have.
This is so Louisiana.
So if the dog was whelping, they call it whelping, I think, then they would, people would be out there throwing a little bit of money down.
Oh, hell yeah.
You know, and trying to win a little or just trying to, you know, just, I guess maybe just also just feel what it's like to be victorious.
Maybe not even, it might not have even been about the money.
I mean, you know, I feel like degenerate gambling is a thing.
Like my husband gambles a little bit.
Does he really?
And I don't get it.
Yeah, it's fine, but I don't get it.
Like I won't even put $10 on like a crap stable.
Like I just, I'm like, no, fuck that.
I know how hard and how long it took to make those 10. And I'm like making a little money now, but I'm still just like, there's no fucking way I'm gambling.
Do you give your husband a little bit of an allowance or does he have his own?
Does he have his own?
No, he has his own, but yeah, yeah, he has a job.
He has.
I do not know.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's why.
No, he has a job.
Well, actually, technically right now, I call him the house manager.
So he gave up his career in New York.
We were living there.
We moved back to Atlanta.
And I'm like, listen, until you build your real estate shit here, like, I need you to be the house manager because we're redoing some shit.
Oh, y'all are.
Yeah, we are.
Yeah.
We're in like, yeah, the thick of it.
Okay, so I'm sitting here with Heather McMahon.
Thanks for coming in.
I know we've been trying to get to see each other for a long time.
I know.
And yeah, I had so many people that were like, can I come over if Heather's going to be there?
I had more women.
I'll tell you this.
I had more women offer to come over in the past five days since people knew you were going to be here than have ever wanted to come and spend time with me.
Those are my hoes.
I love them.
Shout out to all the girls out there.
Yeah, I didn't get a good look at them, but some of them seem like hoes over tech.
And you know, it's, you know, that's a good thing.
If, like, if you present yourself a little slutty and you just, you know, you're honest and transparent about it, like you do you.
Yeah.
You know, the ball's in your court.
I'm here for it.
Yeah, I like that.
So you started out doing comedy in Atlanta?
Or you didn't start out doing comedy.
So you're like a, you're kind of one of these hybrid people kind of, and I'm not judging.
I'm just trying to say stuff and think at the same time.
Right, right, right.
No, no, I hear you.
So you're like one of these hybrid kind of artists.
Like take me into it a little bit.
What is it?
Well, so the first time I ever did stand up, it was actually at my high school prom.
So I went to this like really conservative Christian school and they always had like a, we couldn't even call it prom.
We had to call it like the junior, senior, senior banquet just because it's like fucked up.
Right.
And so they wanted like a surprise guest.
And so I said, they approached me.
I don't know why because it was like highly inappropriate the set I did.
And so the first time I did stand up was at this prom and I was roasting the senior class and I was like, if I can get up in front of these fucking peers that are like the most judgmental people on the planet.
And I just came alive.
I was like, this is what I want to do forever.
And I was always a theater nerd and was doing all that.
So I went to Ole Miss, got a theater degree, then went to New York and was doing kind of improv sketch.
Like I really was on the SNL trajectory.
I was like, that's what I want to do.
I love a wig.
I love a costume.
You know, that's just where I thrive.
That's where I'm come alive.
Yeah, I love the wig.
And I was out in LA doing UCB and was kind of doing that underground scene.
And, and then.
You were really hustling it.
Oh, I was hustling, raw dogging it, whatever you had to do.
I was doing it.
Were you using sex to try to get forward?
You know what?
I offered and no one picked up on it.
They were like, we're good.
We're good.
Like, if I could strip, I would, but I have eczema, so I feel like I would take off my clothes and they'd be like, we're good.
Here's $10.
Like, put your pants back on.
It's real rashy.
It's lotion night.
Yeah.
They should have lotion night at the strip club for people with eczema.
When does that start?
When do we start getting strip nights For when does the like cancel culture?
Like, when does that like the diversity, forced diversity culture hit the strip clubs?
When do we see like the girl doesn't even climb up the pole?
It's like one of those like things at the Hampton Inn, like swimming pool that just lifts you out of the water.
It's like that for the strip club.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It just takes her up the pole slowly and then just bring her slowly back down.
Maybe that's a charity we start.
That's our philanthropy.
I like that.
Yeah.
Yeah, limp, completely just limp strippers.
So I have a family member, semi-family member who has been an exotic dancer.
Ooh, yeah.
And in our town, they had a strip club called Neil's.
That's what it was, right?
And I don't know if it was supposed to be a strip club, but enough people were naked in there where eventually, you know what I'm saying, you could see some titty.
I hear you.
So, but the ceiling was low in there.
So the women would get on stage and they'd have to duck and strip.
So it was very like kind of.
An occupational hazard?
I mean, I would say, yeah.
This is before they had that.
Yeah, yeah.
So this is just like, yeah, it was really like, it had a lot of, you know, it was like the scoliosis.
It was like in the scoliosis belt.
Right.
So there was a lot of, yeah, but the women would have to get up there and so they'd have to strip.
So it always had this very like, it looked like the women were sneaking around.
You know what I'm saying?
Because they had to dump it.
They just bent over a little bit with like a titty hanging out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those are my girls.
So they had to get into that.
I mean, I'm from Atlanta where like stripping is an art form.
And I mean, you go to places like Magic City and there's like 15 girls on a pole, like a Jenga set.
I mean, it's insane.
And then you go to places like the Claremont Lounge, which is a very famous trip club in Atlanta.
Yeah, where like, you know, the women are in their 70s crushing beer cans with their titties.
I mean, it's just like, that's the spectrum.
And so, and then there's my favorite trip club, though, Swing and Richards, which is mostly men.
And you just walk in and literally it's just dudes doing the helicopter, just swinging their dick around.
Really?
Hell yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, I've seen that in Germany at the park one time.
Oh, yeah.
Seems very German.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
The chopper, the fucking masculinity.
Uh-huh.
I remember somebody took me to a gay club one time in Baton Rouge, and I'd never been.
I didn't know they had it, right?
Right.
So we walk in and there's like men with no shirts on and just jeans.
And I thought that the air conditioner was broken.
I didn't know what it was.
I was like, damn, we're at a bar and this fucking air conditioner is, you know what I'm saying?
They should do something because this seems crazy.
They got a decent clientele for fucking having no AC.
Right, right.
And then I realized it was gay men, dude.
And they start, and gay men get extremely aggressive, I feel like.
Okay.
If they seem like a straight man is in the building.
Because I have this feeling that a straight man, like guys want to try to get a hot girl, but for gay men, the hot girl is a straight man.
I hear you.
Well, a lot of the dancers at Swinging Richards' Club in Atlanta are straight dudes.
Oh, really?
And they have a big gay clientele, but a lot of them are straight dudes.
Because, you know, I mean, my sister's a criminal defense attorney, so she's had a couple of clients.
And she's like, no, no, no, that's Mark.
That's Mark.
He's X7DYs.
But like, he's a good guy.
And he's also like hits on me all the time.
So interesting.
Yeah.
So, so, so, so, so then you were in New York and then you guys decided to move to Atlanta.
Now, did you kind of take a, were you like saying, I'm going to take a sabbatical from kind of the, uh, because if you were, if you were doing like second city and stuff like that, were you like, I'm going to like step away from that?
Were you starting to do your own thing?
What was going on?
I went to New York and then I went out to LA for four or five years and I was out there and I was like, I'm doing the commercials and all that shit.
And I never, I didn't take the traditional route.
Like I was more UCB and really like honing that craft, if you will, as obnoxious as that sounds.
So I wasn't in the store.
I wasn't doing, you know, the traditional stand-up route.
And then I kind of had this like, oh, fuck, aha life moment where my dad passed away suddenly of cancer.
So I had to pick up my life and move back home to Atlanta.
This is in 2016.
So I pick back up.
I'm like, I'm just going to go for like six months.
I'm going to help my mom figure out what's next, all this shit.
And it was crazy.
I kind of started living my life through Instagram and just really blowing up Instagram and using it honestly cathartically just to like get shit off my chest and try out new material.
And it just blew up.
And so then I was able to like work in Atlanta a little bit.
And then I was like, this is insane.
I, you know, I don't know.
It was a weird blessing.
Like it was the darkest time of my life, but it was so cool to like be able to get an audience from that.
And I just started like putting funny shit up that brought me joy.
I didn't give a shit about being in LA.
I didn't give a shit about being in New York.
I wasn't trying to impress anybody.
And that's when the best shit came out.
Yeah.
And then we went back to New York and I was touring in 2019 and it's just been a wild ride since.
Dang.
Yeah.
But now I'm back in Atlanta.
Yeah.
And so now, so now you have, so now you find most, but now you're going on tour, right?
Yeah.
So now you have a show that's going to be on stage.
Yeah.
So what's the stage show like?
Like, I mean, it's a, it's a grab bag.
You know, it's, it's a long stand-up set, but I also bring out wigs and have videos.
It's kind of a mixture of like what I do on Instagram.
And my kind of, I don't know, brand of, of comedy is very much so storytelling.
And it's, it's, you know, about my life.
And, but I, here's the thing.
I really like people to leave and they're like, I don't know what the fuck just happened.
Not like performance already, like weird, but I like people to like maybe cry at one moment and they're like, I don't know what the fuck these feelings are, but something's coming up and then I just hit you.
You know what I mean?
And then they're like, this was fucking weird.
And I was here for it and it was rowdy.
Oh, I like it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like it.
Yeah.
I think something, one of my goals always with stand-up was like, I don't care if people remember like a joke that I told, but I want people to remember me somehow.
Like, cause that's what I feel like you go back to see.
Like you go back, you get invested in a human or in a feeling.
I don't know if I get invested enough in like a joke alone because anybody could write a joke kind of.
I feel like I want to get invested in somebody.
You know, that's what makes me as a consumer want to be involved with somebody.
Yeah.
I mean, I remember the shows where you leave and you're like, I don't really know what just happened.
Or like, yeah, you just leave with that feeling or that warmth or maybe like shame.
I don't know what it is.
Oh, yeah.
But I want you to get in your car and just be like, something happened.
You know, and like think about it for a while.
I don't know.
I'm a Pisces, so I like to just get in there.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, I'm a Pisces.
Yeah.
When's your birthday?
March 1.9.
Okay, I'm 1.5.
Oh.
Yeah.
This makes sense.
So what does it mean?
What does it mean?
Take me into this because I don't know anything about it.
And if people did know about it, I always thought they were like sorcery or something.
Or people would call them, you know, people would curse them when I was young, you know, if people Showed up with the Libras or something, you know?
Oh, well, I don't fuck with the Taurus.
Like, I don't like hold a lot of weight into it, but most Tauruses have been pretty evil in my life.
So, I rebuke it in the name of Jesus.
Like, if I walk by a Taurus, I'm like, no, not today, Satan.
Yeah, I can, oh, I feel the negative energy.
Oh, um, but Pisces and what are Tauruses?
Sorry, just so I don't forget it.
Um, end of April through beginning of May.
Oh, yeah.
So it's coming up.
So tourist season is coming up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just keep your butthole clenched.
Like, shit's going to get wild.
Oh, dang.
Oh, wow.
So it's tourist season.
It's about what do they do?
They're just like usually cheaters.
God, I'm going to get so much hate for this.
They cheat.
No, I want to know more.
They're like three tourist guys in the world.
Where do you see them?
Yeah.
You see them at strip malls, T-Mobile's, a lot of chilies.
You know what I mean?
They're always hanging out at a Chili's bar.
Dude, I remember making love to this girl that worked at a Chili's and she had, oh my God, she had all these pictures of, I remember going over to her place.
She lived at her parents' house.
They were out of town, apparently, or she killed them.
I don't know where they were.
It seemed like they've been out of town for a long time.
They might still be out of town.
It's been about 17 years.
But she worked at a Chili's and she had all these pictures of like all the local firemen in her house.
I remember.
Seems sus.
Yeah, I never even thought about that till just now.
I wonder what happened to that guy.
Maybe the firemen like helped bury the family.
They were in on it.
There was, yeah, it just got a little like some chicks have that DIY dateliney kind of shit.
They want, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, a little like oxygen channel snap moment, that energy.
That's a Taurus woman right there.
Yeah, she might have been a Taurus.
Okay, anyway.
But Pisces, we're creative.
And we're creative.
We're sensitive.
And it doesn't necessarily mean that like you're a sensitive person where you're just empathetic.
Like you're able to connect with people on their emotions.
Okay.
But we're also terrible with money.
Like that's the number one thing.
We're able to make a lot of money because we are big thinkers.
But like if I get $100, I'm spending $99.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
So yeah, I got to have like a financial advisor, an accountant, an attorney just to be like, sign off on shit.
You know what I mean?
I need like a balance.
I need a limit on my credit card.
You do?
I do.
I do.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
And I don't know what it's like.
I don't gamble, but if I'm making money, I want everybody to have it.
Like, I'm like, do you need a job?
You know, and my friend's like, no, Heather, I'm, you know, a financial investor.
Like, I don't need a job.
I'm like, I just want to give you money because I feel like I don't know why.
Yeah, I feel that sometimes.
I feel sometimes like I don't, yeah, like money's, I don't know, money's so weird.
Yeah, it makes me uncomfortable.
It makes me uncomfortable.
And I have it, but I need it.
Right.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah, I need it.
But yeah, it makes me uncomfortable.
I don't like being somebody that has money because I think I always judge people that had money.
Like I was always like, oh, these fucking rich people and shit like that.
And so I think sometimes I'm like, oh man, I don't want to have any money, you know?
Like, but then you also have to have money.
If you can't tell the rent guy, hey, you know, I'm just trying, I've been nice to people this month.
He doesn't care.
That's not his.
And I've had no money and it sucked so bad.
Like I've worked every hospitality job you can imagine.
Oh, really?
Oh, yeah.
Did you do DoorDash?
I never did DoorDash, but like I was in, worked at every restaurant.
I worked every job in a restaurant.
And when you're working in restaurants for like 10 years, I mean, it just takes a part of your soul away that I don't know if you can ever get back.
But I do believe, you know, like in Israel, you have to serve in the Army.
You have to serve in the Army.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Two years, right?
I think.
Yeah.
I think in America, everybody should have to either be like a valet, you know, any sort of, like work at a hotel, work at a restaurant.
Yeah, something.
Yeah, work at a Perkins.
Jiffy Lube.
Be a hostess at a Perkins for at least a year.
Yeah.
And then you can go out into the real world and like be an adult.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that's true.
It would be nice if they had some kind of like a little tributary of occupational tributary that brought you out into the mainstream.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm trying to think of a job that I had that I really that really, really stuck to me.
Well, I used to sell Mexican food for a living.
Like in a restaurant or just like- But it was crazy, man.
They had the two chefs back there, these two black women named April and May.
And they did not like cooking Mexican food.
So sometimes we would have to literally go tell the tables that we the chefs didn't feel like making a quesadilla today.
So we would be literally offering like French toast and shit at 5 p.m.
You got vague over there.
And I was so scared of them that I was like afraid of the confrontation.
And sometimes I would just lock myself away from some of that because I didn't want to be a part of it.
Do you think, we had a question that came in right here for you.
Let's bring up this question right here from this young lady right here.
Hey, y'all, my name is Jessica from Atlanta.
And my question for Heather is, if you could star in The Broadway with The Rat King himself, what production would you guys start in and what would your roles be?
Ooh, well, I've always been told, I have a lot of friends on Broadway because I come from the theater world.
I've always been told the only role I could play on Broadway is Pumba from The Lion King.
I don't know why, but they're like, that's the only role.
Did you bring up a Pumba before?
Yeah, yeah.
Because why?
Go ahead.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
No, I don't know why.
I don't know if it's like them just being assholes and being like, this is the best you can be, or it's because I have like a deep voice.
But yeah, I think, God, what could we be in?
Is that the Lion King?
Uh-huh.
My friend Dodd Loomis actually works on, he does the Lion King.
If you ever wanted to be that, I think you are looking.
Yeah, but they're always like, no, you be Pumba.
Like, you just have the energy of Pumba.
I'm like, what the fuck is that about?
You can see the eyes and maybe some of the cheek structure.
And I mean that in a very beat.
I would definitely spend time with this animal.
We could do sound of music.
You know the sound of music?
Ooh, yeah.
But the sound, like it kind of has a little Willie Nelson in the beginning.
100%.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
A little banjo.
The sound is people opening cans of tuna at home.
100%.
Just the ring doorbell over and over again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The sound is people reaching for that latch under a car hood from like the 90s where people, or it didn't just pop up automatically.
And you have to, then it comes up an inch for you.
Then you have to put your young fucking hands into a dirt fucking hot fucking car.
Yes.
And reach for a fucking latch.
Yeah.
The sound is just like women trying to like get around in their like purse just looking for keys And shit.
It's like, fucking shit.
God damn it.
Did I leave my keys?
It's just that recording over and over again.
The sound.
Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Just over and over again.
Like, God damn it, Daryl.
Fuck you.
I knew you forgot the keys.
That's it.
And there's three checkbooks in there, but there's no checks.
It's just that like carbon stuff in the other side.
Yeah.
Do you still have a checkbook?
I still have a couple checkbooks.
The sound is one of us running back to the microwave because the popcorn's already like past the one or two second mark between the pops.
And so we know it's just burning.
So the sound is just running back to the microwave.
It's the sound of the music.
Listen, I think we could, listen, when Broadway comes back, I think this is our moment.
You know, I'm trying to get an egot.
I want a Tony.
And I've realized like, maybe I just need to write my own musical.
And I can't really sing anymore.
I've got this deep voice.
And so I'm like, maybe we should actually probably do like a straight man play, though.
You know, something dramatic, something where we're both nude, but there's nothing sexual about it.
It's just for some reason.
Because I feel like that's the only way you win a Tony.
Oh, I got a little erectile dysfunction.
So there don't even have to be something sexual about it.
If there was, it would take a couple episodes.
So I'm just going to let you know.
Yeah.
There you go.
And I got eczema.
So you know what?
But we're winning Tony's for it.
It's called back to back.
It's our sex life.
God, I'm freezing my eggs for you.
We're both of us facing the other way.
Just ask to ask.
Well, let's go back to back.
Yeah, let's go back to back.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, we can assume that our butts are touching, but I think, yeah, just for like, yeah, the ass-to-ass thing is just going to be, that's going to make me nervous.
Okay, I feel you.
I respect that.
Didn't mean to push that on you.
I apologize.
Really apologize.
Wow, I thought you were Pisces.
I thought we were vibing, but okay.
So note to solve.
What else would we be?
The sound of music?
It was such a great question.
So what other kind of show could we be if it was a...
Now, I don't know what you know about musicals, but we could, I mean, Hello Dolly is like this very iconic old show.
It's Southern.
Is it Southern?
No, it's not Southern.
Never mind.
But it's, I mean, I could see you in like a hoop skirt having a moment, you know, with like a hat on and like a, like a pipe or something.
Okay.
Yeah, you're a little old timey.
Okay.
I'm going to go with this.
I think we could do like a, I don't know Hello Dolly, but I've been to Dollywood once.
Oh, fuck yeah.
So what about Hello Dollywood?
I could play Dolly Parton.
Yes, we just wrote this.
So this is our pitch and Broadway, we would like some fun.
What if you Dolly Part and you just part your hair like so severely?
And it's, now that's not a good one.
Yeah, but you know, that thing now is that these young kids on TikTok are telling women, I'm 34, they're saying that we can't do a side part anymore.
They're like, no, it's only a middle part.
We can't wear skinny jeans anymore.
It's like this whole fucking thing that these young girls are trying to tell us how to dictate our life and our aesthetic.
And I'm fucking pissed about this.
Have you heard about it?
I haven't heard about that.
And I'm also glad I haven't heard about that because it seems like it's some bullshit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's okay.
I'm glad that women are doing stuff, but I don't want to know about it.
You know what I'm saying?
I love that women are telling other women what they're doing wrong because that's feminism.
Yeah, that's what we need.
We need more.
I think it should, I want to see it spill out into the streets.
I would love to see, here's where it is, is a couple of 19 or 70 year old women getting abused by some 30-year-old women.
Just a street cat fight.
That's where it ends.
Listen, I went back to my story at Ole Miss like before Rush, and they wanted me to give like a motivational speech.
And I literally scared them.
So were you the head of your story?
I could see you being like the lady at night that comes down and is like, only one peanut butter.
You know?
Who's that lady?
The house mom?
No, she's like a 65-year-old lady who's living rent-free.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's like, no boys upstairs, but also only one peanut butter.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember that, yeah, that lady would always be like, one peanut butter.
You'd be like doing oral sex on some woman and she's like, one peanut butter.
You're like, oh, damn.
Because that's every man fantasy is that women in a sorority house are just doing oral sex on each other.
That's it.
You guys just eat each other out all day, right?
It's like, no.
No, I remember doing oral sex on some woman at Ithaca College somewhere.
I don't remember.
Man checks out for Ithaca.
And some lady peeked in and was like, only one p.m.
I'm like, damn.
I mean, yeah, no, I ran my sorority.
I tried to be president, but because I wasn't from Mississippi, they were like, it's not going to look well across campus.
Like, it was a big deal.
I mean, I went to Ole Miss.
Ole Miss was weird.
Ole Miss was weird.
And it was amazing.
And it's, God, if I die, like spread my ashes in Oxford.
But it was kind of a culture shock for me.
Like, I didn't even know what the capital of Mississippi was.
I got there and people were like, oh, we're from Jackson.
And they're like, very, you know, old Southern money like, we're from Jackson.
I'm like, Ville, Florida.
Like, I don't know what the fuck Mississippi is, but it's the greatest place on earth, truly.
But yeah, no, I was, I was a bid day president.
I was pledge class president and then bid day.
So like I was in.
I could really see that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I could say, oh, well, my best friend Scott went there and he was in Sigma something.
Sigma New?
Sigma Alpha.
SAE.
SAE.
They've been kicked off campus.
I think it was.
Yeah, yeah.
Probably because of Scott.
I wouldn't be shocked, man.
It was either Scott or it was probably, I don't remember.
They had like South Seas or something was there.
Oh, was that Kapu Sig?
Kapu Sig.
I thought he was.
So I dated a lot of Kapu Sig.
Did you really?
I told Scott.
Did I have sex with Scott?
I don't know.
I mean, I'll ask him later.
Okay.
But he, I remember going up there and yeah, everybody, you'd have like the drunkest, some dude that couldn't even read be like, you know, Faulkner.
Oh, it's always about Faulkner.
You have no fucking idea who Faulkner is.
Faulkner used to buy mouthwash here.
And it'll be like, what?
Yeah.
Who gives a fuck?
Like, all of a sudden, everybody's into like early American poetry.
I'm like, I didn't know who the fuck Faulkner was.
You know, they excavated a cannon from under this restaurant, you know?
It's like, who gives?
A lot of fucking facts all the time.
And you're like, all right, Mississippi, bump the brakes.
A lot of plaques, too.
Uh-huh.
Lots, way too many plaques.
A ton of plaques, ton of cocaine.
Yeah.
A lot of just plaid, like gingham.
Shepard Smith.
I heard Shepard Smith used to go do cocaine there.
Did you ever hear that story?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Fuck, I don't want to say that.
But yeah, I'm pretty sure like, well, I mean, whatever.
Fuck it.
We all did cocaine at Old Miss.
If Shepard Smith came out of the closet, he could, it's easy to come out of the closet.
It's way easier to come out of the cocaine closet, I think, than the actual closet.
I mean, it was just such another planet.
I got there and it's just like, you know, you have all these like rich kids from the South.
Oh, yeah.
But it was weird Because I was in the art department.
I felt like, like, I went and visited Alabama.
And I swear to God, I went to visit and I was like, okay, I only have two choices because I didn't, you know, my SATs, like a blind cat could have done a better job on the SATs than me.
Even though I was student body president of my high school, I still, I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine.
Like, long story short, I was like, oh, I'm going to go to school in California.
Oh, wow.
Be an artist, all this shit.
And they're like, you are 100% denied.
So it was two weeks before graduation.
They were like, who did this testing?
And the funny thing is when the Lori Laughlin thing came out where like, you know, she was paying somebody to like get her kids into college, my sister called me.
She's like, dad, my sister went to Troy Tech.
She's very intelligent.
Troy Tech?
No, Georgia Tech.
Sorry.
Yeah, Troy Tech, which is in Alabama?
Troy, I think is.
I never heard of Troy Tech.
I was even like, that is a reach.
Troy State.
Okay, Troy State.
Yeah, there is Troy State in Alabama.
Shout out Troy State.
Shout out Troy.
They got to go Wendy's in Troy.
Do they?
That's it, though.
Yeah.
I could see that.
But long story short, my sister's like, you know, dad was so stressed out about the fact that you did such a bad job on your SATs that he like called me and thought that, you know, I was going to go take your test for you.
Like he just was like so worried that I wasn't going to get into college.
So it was either Alabama or Ole Miss.
And I visited Alabama one weekend.
And this, I swear to God, this is like so on the nose, but this guy named Bubba was in overalls at this like Theta Chi house and he was just coked out of his mind.
And it was like a chicken tender eating contest, which I love Tindies now.
But at the time, I was just like, and he was hitting on me.
And I was like, I got to get out of Alabama.
Like, I'm not going to school here.
So I just like, that's it.
I guess I'm going to Ole Miss.
And I showed up at orientation and was like, fuck yeah, hotty toddy.
Let's go.
And it was the best four years of my life.
And then I did coke with Shepard Smith.
So good, good, good, good.
I was wondering how it ended.
Yeah, Josh Kelly used to go there.
I went there when Josh Kelly, because he went to Ole Miss, I remember.
Yeah, I liked going to Ole Miss.
It was just different.
I didn't grow up like with any tradition or anything like that.
So you went there and everything was very, it was, everything was very traditional.
Well, it was a big deal.
You know, I just thought you wore like a t-shirt to a football game.
And they're like, no, no, no, no, no.
You're showing up in pearls, high heels.
It's August.
It's 115 fucking degrees out.
The humidity is at 300 and you're just melting and you're sweating out the Jaeger from the night before, but you're having to stand there with like a shrimp cocktail platter and like try and look regal.
I'm like, I'm a debutante.
Literally, I'm just oozing gin and Jaeger.
So I learned a lot.
I learned how to like, you know, grab myself up by the bootstraps and get my shit together.
Yeah.
Oh, I could see that.
I feel like it is really, it is like a Sephora boot camp for women.
Fucking.
I totally see old Miss being like that now because I would remember, yeah, we go to some of these parties and everybody, all the boys have names like Gryffindor the Sixth and shit, you know.
Two last names, like Sutton Miller Foster.
Yeah, yeah.
It was all way like insane.
Like, yeah, you know, his daddy invented the swing set.
You know, like, there was always shit that was fucking way crazy, you know.
They're like, oh, his great-grandfather invented the noose.
You'd be like, that's a fucking noose.
I wouldn't lead with that at an intro, at a party.
Let's just call it, let's just, yeah.
Let's just go.
Yarn.
Say yarn.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, it was yarn, and you guys did something you shouldn't have with it.
But then you had to buy cocaine from him, so you're like, fuck, now I got to get into this conversation with Gryffindor.
God damn it.
God, it would just be, it made me feel, I felt so foreign when I would go to those places because I think, yeah, I just never was into that kind of culture.
And like that, some of that bro culture always kind of spooked me a little bit.
I hear you.
Because you get guys that would be like, you know, I'll do anything for this.
Right.
You know, you get guys drinking each other's blood and stuff.
And like, you know, this Bloody Mary has real blood in it.
You know, this has two pints of my pledge in it.
That would happen at the SAE house.
They actually had like some party called Patty Murphy where they just had to get this guy as drunk as possible.
And I remember being there and like being 19 and just going, I like, I'm like, this isn't right.
I was just like, this seems unsafe.
And then next year that that party got shut down.
But it was interesting.
The frat world, I mean, yeah, you've got, you know, your stereotypes, but my sorority was literally like the best.
I met the best bitches.
I met these women who are still so part of my life.
And they were just like, you know, I don't know.
We just didn't like dressed up and then would get drunk and then do philanthropic work.
Like honestly and truly, it was like every other week we had a new charity thing.
So I was like, at least we did some good, you know?
Yeah.
And I'm not trying to.
It was culture shock, though, for sure.
Yeah, I'm not trying to knock it off.
I think it was awesome.
I think I was just like afraid.
I think I just didn't know anything about it.
Right.
So like my best friend went into it because his dad had gone to school at University of Mississippi.
And so then I just like would go and see like little pieces of it.
And even though I was at LSU for a couple years, I just didn't get too much into the Greek stuff, you know?
And those guys were always such a culture.
It was like, if you weren't in it, you kind of weren't in it.
Right.
Well, when I would meet people out in LA, there's like, they would just be shocked that I was in a sorority.
They're like, what's that life like?
You know, like, they literally were like, did they beat you?
Like, what happened?
Tell us about it.
Yeah, tell us about it.
I'm like, no, it was actually fantastic.
We would, you know, dress up and like go to parties and it just like live our life.
It was fantastic.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I know everybody wants, but when people are from the South, I mean, listen, there's Greek culture at all these different schools, but I think specifically the South, everybody just thinks that like, you're just like yelling racist things all day and like just being the worst horrific person you can imagine.
Yeah, it gets the worst rap, man.
Especially out now.
Like, yeah, it's like, oh my God, you guys had fun.
What was that like?
I'm so sorry.
You had camaraderie and friends.
You're like, yeah, fuck you, Clark.
I did, and I loved it.
And it was fantastic.
Yeah.
Oh, you should be an ARF attorney out here at UCLA.
We just got a new fish.
Yeah, get the fuck out of here.
I remember going to some parties there, and it was so lame.
It was just like, it was really, really bad.
It would be like a lot of people doing just Bitcoin before it was a thing.
You had to talk about it.
Yeah, rumor.
It was like Bitcoin rumors.
Rumors.
Yeah, that was the night.
That's funny.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But yeah, so I went to Ole Mess, you know, and then I went straight to New York and I was like, I'm going to do the comedy thing.
Now, for most of us, you know, learning a second language in high school was just real challenging.
You know, you had to get out there and some people just wore kind of Spanish clothes and got a D. You know, it just, it was a real, it was hit or miss back then, you know.
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So did you find more success then once you got out of kind of the main, not the mainstream, but like the main paths of what we would expect routes to find success?
Because to me, you were extremely like captivating and beautiful and like original.
And so those things to me, like as just a regular man and also then as an entertainer are very obvious.
So it makes me wonder how, and maybe other executives and stuff did see that, but it makes me wonder like how it wouldn't be such an easy choice to be like, oh, this person, yes.
Right.
Well, I basically, you know, I was doing the grind and you're having to like, you know, stroke the fucking ego of these people, especially in that like UCB SNL world.
Oh, I can imagine.
I was just kind of fucking over it.
And then teachers are angry people that didn't get where they wanted to go.
And then everybody in my classes, like even in the early stages in New York, they all had these like creative writing degrees from Harvard and I would show up in my hoops and animal print and like a full face of makeup just like, what's up, y'all?
Let's fucking jump.
Cigarettes.
Yeah.
I would have like a quarter's light in my purse and just like, you know, smoke a menthol and like chill.
And it was so weird.
It was like, and I hate to like say this, but like as a woman in that world, you had to like not, you know, you just had to like play games.
And I didn't want to fucking deal with it.
Now, who was making you play niggas with, was it men doing that?
Or was it also, because women get weird in that kind of shit.
I find, yeah, what was it?
Sorry, you ain't that.
I just wanted to authentically be myself.
I think I was trying to fit a different mold.
And of course, I just love doing the characters and like wearing a wig and being the ugliest version of myself possible and just like tapping into these like weird isms that I find in these characters just brings me so much joy.
Like that's truly when I come alive.
And so I just was like, fuck this.
I'm going to pave my own way.
And really and truly, when I was in LA, I was having a great time.
But again, I go on these commercial auditions.
Listen, I went on an audition.
This is just so LA where the breakdown said, morbidly obese, but beautiful.
Morbidly obese.
And I literally call my agent.
I'm like, listen, I'm a thick girl.
I got a thick neck, thin ankles.
You know, I've got the shoulders of an offensive lineman.
Like, it is what it is.
But I was like, this is the breakdown.
Like, this is the, this is the mold that I fit in LA.
And mortally is death.
It normally is.
Mortally is near death.
One foot in the grave.
Yeah.
You're like my 600-pound life stuck in a couch.
You have like, you're just eating pork chops.
You know what I mean?
I was like, I got a soul cycle every now and then.
You know, I sweat when I'm not just like sitting alone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I basically was just like, I got to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah, that kind of stuff is such a grind, the commercial grind.
Oh, God.
I don't think people understand.
Like you drive across town and there's to North Hollywood.
Yeah.
Yeah.
To North Hollywood, to Santa Monica.
Sometimes the auditions would be in Montpelier, Vermont.
They aren't anywhere near where you live.
Yeah, they're like, can you go up to Carmel?
It's an eight-hour drive on a Friday at five.
And then you go in there and they, I literally, like, I was just done with commercials when I went and they're like, here's the thing.
We know you're so funny and you're so perfect for this.
They're definitely going to go in a different route.
We're thinking like more Asian, older man, but we're so glad you came here.
And I'm like, listen, I'm here for the diversity.
I'm so glad we're being progressive, but you just wasted my time driving eight hours to Carmel, California.
And they don't care.
And they're like, look, we need you to go shave your head in your car right now and convert to a Japanese Judaism and come back in here.
Exactly.
Yeah.
They're like, can you speak Mandarin and do you know how to knit?
And you're like, no, the fuck, I don't, but I would fake it till I make it, you know, and probably offend everyone in there.
But I was like, I'm so desperate for this fucking job right now.
We need you to get your clout Up a little bit.
Do you mind going outside and just using a racial slur in the street for a few minutes?
Okay.
We need you to at least, we need 20,000 more followers.
I don't care if they're angry or not.
Exactly.
For this non-union commercial that's going to pay you $14 in a Subway sandwich.
And you're like, fuck me.
But yeah, so I after, so I basically had to pick up my life and move back to Atlanta.
I was like, it's just going to be temporary.
Like, I'm just going to go help the family out.
And then when I started just living my life authentically, especially through Instagram, because I, it's almost like a reality show every day.
I mean, I'm just uploading stream of consciousness, consciousness, what comes to my mind.
And then all these women were just like, thank you for talking about this.
Oh my God, I connect with this.
And then I was able to start touring and it was just insane.
I was like, fuck it.
I built it on my own.
Like, fuck LA.
You know, I have to go back to LA like next week now.
But the thing is, when you leave LA, that's when they want you.
But if you have a PO box or an address in Los Angeles, the phone never rings.
But as soon as you leave, they're like, now you're hot in front of us.
We want this thing.
We want this blood diamond.
That's what they call us, you know?
Once you're out of LA, they call you blood diamond.
Fuck, yeah.
Like, oh, how do we get that?
Yeah.
Sierra Leone.
Yeah.
Blood diamond.
How do we get that rare ivory?
You know?
How do we get the ivory with the cane sauce on the side of it?
Fuck, I love cane sauce.
Yeah.
You know, I've never been really like, I've never been like really southern.
I don't feel like.
I'm sorry.
Come again?
Do you think I feel like I seem like a southern person?
Yes, Theo.
Really?
Yes.
Have you taken a look in the mirror today?
You have a fucking mullet.
You have a tight fade and a mullet, and you're from Louisiana.
Yes.
I guess so, yeah.
I don't know.
I just have never really identified as that.
Well, see, maybe, I don't know.
Maybe I'm projecting because I don't feel southern.
No, it's okay.
No, no, I think it's not.
Do I come off as southern?
Yes, to me, you do.
But then also, the more I kind of see what's going on, I feel like you come off all, well, here's what happens.
Sometimes in New Orleans, people also come off as New Jersey.
So there's some close stitching there between like different styles.
Like, I don't think you come off as like southern Georgia, which is where things can get really southern.
You know, daddy got a geese, you know, like it can get fucking a little.
It can get a little weird.
You know, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I don't know.
I know how to put it on.
Right.
And you don't come off as uneducated, so it's not that redneck, that kind of that thing.
Right.
You know, like I never was into that or felt like that growing up.
Yeah, so I guess.
But now do you find in the business that they try and put you in that box?
Oh, yes, I'm not sure.
Yeah, and I won't honor any of it.
The only southern thing that I've even done is when me and Chelsea Lynn did the, we did a live show around the holidays.
I loved it.
And I adore her.
And it was fun.
Oh, she's so much fun.
It was hard to do, but it was a lot of fun.
But that was like the most kind of because she's not, she does like, I don't know, her character or, you know, Tammy's, she's more, because Chelsea's from Oklahoma, so she's more just kind of rural.
Right.
Is it redneck her?
I don't know.
What do you mean?
I mean, it's trailer trash Tammy, right?
Right, but trailer, right, but it's not redneck Tammy.
Right.
It's working really, yeah, we're really like peeling back the layers.
Yeah, she's just, I think trailer trash Tammy.
Here's the thing.
All of her characters are like very confident people.
And that's, there's always, but that's a southern thing.
Southerners are confident.
It doesn't matter.
Like even in my lowest moment, like anxiety through the roof, I'm like, I got this.
Like my daddy told me, I got this.
I fucking got this.
And I'm from Atlanta.
Like you said, I'm not from like Macon, Georgia.
Right.
But there's something about like that southern inside of you where it's just like, I'm going to fucking do this.
Like watch out.
Daddy told me yes.
So I'm doing it.
I do say daddy then.
Diddy, diddy.
Hey, Diddy.
Rest in peace.
Yeah, I don't think I ever had that then.
I think I got to the lowest point.
I was like, I'm not going to make it.
Who's coming with me?
Right, right, right.
And a lot of people were like, I'm not going to make it either.
I got shotgun.
That's where I kind of feel like my group, my like, you know, I feel like it's sort of this, I don't know.
I honestly do not know who my supporters are sometimes.
Like, I don't know if supporters, but like, I don't really know who's on my team because it's not like redneck people.
Right.
No, I think I know your supports.
Well, I'm one of them, but like, I know that, I know that dude, you know, it's a Riley.
You know?
Riley, how are you today?
I feel like I'm in the presence of just like Barber Streisand.
I adore you, Riley.
Japanese greatness right there.
That's right.
Are you Japanese, Riley?
I am.
There you go.
Yeah.
How's church?
It's pretty great.
Great.
I love that for you.
You're a man of God.
I'm a woman of the Lord.
So that's why he just opened the door earlier night.
We just connected.
I felt the Holy Spirit there.
I could see that.
I felt it.
And Riley last year got his first kiss, actually.
Oh, hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
How was it, Tongue?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It was pretty great.
Yes.
Yes.
Hell yeah.
Cleaning the palette, baby, with his freaking little ginger snap.
There you go.
Now, Riley, I'm a great matchmaker.
That's just like one of my talents.
So if you tell me like what you like, I mean, you can be very specific with it.
If you're like, I want her to have green eyes and, you know, be into anime and, you know, love Chipotle, like, I will find her.
So don't ever, you feel like you can ask me.
I will find you.
Dr. Suss.
They call him Dr. Suss.
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah.
Green eyes and breasts.
What do you like, Riley?
Honestly, if you are looking for a woman, and I think Heather's very serious about that she would consider helping you out, brother.
Damn.
Yeah, I mean, I'm more of the honestly open to anything.
Not anything, anything, but like, I mean.
Like, give us one.
One detail.
Yeah, give us a detail.
Like, you talking, so we talking five to six feet?
What are we talking about?
Yeah.
Cool.
Honestly, as tall as you want.
Like, six, four?
I mean, you know, do you want to be cuddled at night?
Like, you got, just give me specifics.
How do you want to feel on a day?
Okay, I like being cuddled.
Okay, great.
All right.
So a larger woman.
Okay.
Larger woman.
Fantastic.
I mean, I'd like to cuddle her as well.
So maybe she has one short leg, one long leg.
You want to backpack it, huh?
Okay.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Let's see what.
Fantastic.
That's all I need.
Right there.
I got it.
And it's about what you get out of them.
It's a.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, it's a waiting game.
Give me a blonde.
Give me a blonde.
It's a game show.
You say, give me a blonde?
Give me a blonde.
Oh, right.
Okay, there we go.
See, I like that.
And it's okay.
I think men now feel intimidated like they can't say what they want, but just be honest about it.
Like, I have a very specific.
I want a woman.
Yeah, I want a woman.
That's fine.
I want somebody with a vagina, you know, and a good attitude.
And we can find that.
There's plenty of women out there with vaginas and good attitudes.
Now, Riley, because we haven't even really gotten into this, Riley.
And I know, have you been since the kiss, have you been doing any more dating or is it not yet?
No.
I like attitude, though, not yet.
Yeah, not yet.
Not yet.
Very optimistic.
You got to speak it into existence.
Exactly.
You know, put it on the vision board.
I used to think that was such bullshit.
Right.
And then I got high one like New Year's Day and I made a vision board and then all the shit came true.
I was like, God damn.
Okay.
So I think if you speak it out into the universe and you're just like, I want a blonde woman who I can cuddle or maybe she cuddles me, you'll see what happens.
Wow.
Yeah.
You got to ask me.
Riley, I mean, look, I really believe, and is Atlanta too far for you for a woman, not Riley?
Do you have a mileage?
Do you have a distance?
No, Atlanta.
How far is Atlanta in far?
Not far at all.
34-minute flight, four-hour drive.
I got you.
Not bad.
But I got women all over.
Like, I have a posse of beautiful women in Nashville.
Yeah, I got you.
Okay, I don't want to end up in any sort of, because legally it's going to come back onto me.
Okay, sorry.
I can find you love too.
I can find you love too.
Yeah, how old are you, Riley?
I need to make sure you're legal.
I'm 22. 22. Great, great, great.
Great.
Yeah.
Going on 23. I love you.
Somebody's young, but they also tell you how old they're about to be next.
In 18 weeks, I'll be 23. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, look, I would like it.
You know, I would like to find somebody.
I had a girl just kind of deserted me recently, but she just left you in the dust?
Huh?
She just left you in the dust or ghosted you or what?
Yeah.
She, well, I was living in Iowa and I had two kids and they were at the county fair and she passed through town and that's how we met.
I was taking photos down by a bridge.
Okay.
And no, that's Bridges and Medicine.
Okay.
Okay.
Sorry.
I just really like it.
But what happened?
No, yeah, she just told me it just wasn't for her, man.
She told me it wasn't for her.
How do you feel?
I was a little bummed, actually, because I felt like I just didn't share kind of, I think I had some more feelings and I didn't share them.
And so I felt like I got kind of left just like she did it over text, which was a little bit of a, I thought it wasn't cool.
I hate that.
I don't even like to text, period.
Like I am old school.
Call me on a home phone.
Like I want to chit chat.
Oh yeah, break in my fucking house.
Okay.
Breaking my window.
Breathe over me in the middle of the night and be like, yo, we're meeting for lunch tomorrow.
Like that's the level of intrusion I want.
Club me and put me in your fucking stepdad's Acura trunk.
Okay.
Yes.
I want to know that you care.
Do you notice that always, it's like on Amber Alerts.
It's always a fucking like maroon accura every fucking time.
You know, I don't know what kind of like marketing they're doing, but every time I get an Amber Alert, it's like Maroon Acura.
And I'm like, what the fuck?
And then the crazy part is with advertising on the phones, an hour later, I'll get accurate sale.
Come on down to accurate.
It's like, this is insane, man.
Fuck, no, I'm not setting myself up for failure.
No.
Yeah.
It's just crazy, though, how you're the advertising.
But yeah, I think, look, there's probably good women out there.
And do you have a type?
Do I have a type really?
You know, I think I'm kind of surprised a little bit.
I like to have a woman that maybe has a little bit of probably, probably faith.
I think she likes to laugh.
Yeah.
She doesn't have to be like the funny person just to get jokes, though.
Yeah.
Like just, she just has to be able to read.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Just like a basic sense of humor.
Yeah, basic sense of humor.
Well, you said faith.
Like you want a woman who believes in the Lord.
Believes in some sort of faith.
It doesn't have to be, you know, it doesn't have to be Christian.
Yeah.
But it has to be some sort of, has some relationship with a higher power or wants to.
Yeah.
I don't want somebody just fucking hitchhiking the galaxy.
You know what I'm saying?
Like I need to know if there's a rapture.
You're going somewhere.
You know, I just need to know that you have a final destination.
Doesn't have to be heaven.
It could be your own heaven.
But I just need to know that like we have something to look forward to together.
Yeah, it could be somebody from Growboff is going to come pick you up off the counter and take you somewhere.
That's fine.
Okay.
Okay.
But you got to be a side item on some deity's battleship.
Yeah, I feel you there.
So I think like that, maybe what else do I like?
You know, I want obviously somebody that I'm attracted to.
Are you more of like a blonde brunette, redhead?
Like, do you care at all?
I mean, and it's okay to see.
Blondes don't like me that much.
They don't?
They do not.
And it's okay.
And she can see it.
I can see it.
And it's fine.
They do not like, I don't know what it is.
They've never, I've never really been their cup of tea, I think.
So you probably don't date blondes then?
Are you don't date?
They don't date them.
I've tried.
I've sent them DMs.
I don't hear back from these women.
Well, any women that are, you know, followers of mine that are listening slide into Theo's DMs.
And I really want hot blondes.
Like, I just want, I think you'd look good with the blonde.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
Or if you're like kind of a cross-eyed brunette, also sliding DMs.
So I feel like you'd also thrive with somebody with like a loose eye, you know?
Yeah, look.
I mean, you can have something that isn't exactly perfect.
That's fine.
I'm not perfect.
So I got a lot of loose pieces.
And so, yeah.
But yeah, I'm open to dating.
You know, I'm trying to be a little bit more realistic about it.
And just like, actually not just dating whatever, you know?
I'm trying to actually, you know, use my time wisely.
But I feel like when you find the right person, you will know.
Oh, you do.
You do.
You do.
When my husband, we met, I mean, when we were like 22, he walked into a bar in New York and I literally said to my friend Tina, who's here, I said, holy shit, I'm going to marry him.
No.
She was like, but Jeff?
Like, they were high school friends.
She was like, my buddy Jeff.
I was like, oh, my God.
Like this, it was like a voice.
I don't know where it came from.
It was like deep in my taint and it just came out.
I was like, that's who I'm going to marry.
And sure enough, I mean, 10 years later, we're married.
It took a while.
It's wild.
It took a while.
It took a while.
Took a couple of sponge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But we got to it.
We got to it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you remember your first kiss, though, growing up?
We talk about this a lot, and we've had a lot of unique people sit here and talk about it.
Travis Tritt.
Who else came in here and talked about that?
Morgan Wallen, we talked about.
To me, the first kiss, like, yeah, I remember my first like peck.
It was like Levi, it was my boyfriend in kindergarten.
But my first like adult kiss with tongue, I was 13. It was Michael Campbell.
Shout out to Michael Campbell if you're listening.
I was on a beach in Destin on spring break.
And I think he like, it was one of those things where you're like at that weird age where everyone's like, so are we all going to stand in a circle tonight and like make out?
Like it was that.
And he just tapped me on the shoulder.
He turned me around and he shoved his face in mine.
And it was just like a, you know what I mean?
Just like just an oral, he was just almost like mouthwash, just really hitting every spot in the mouth.
Was it enjoyable?
Absolutely.
My man's Cycle Campbell, they call him.
He still, yeah, he still has whiplash from it.
Oh, fuck yeah, he does.
And once you stopped and his body started spinning, it was like something on him was going to be rotoring.
100%.
And I remember turning around, like, it happened.
It was like 30 seconds and then he like walked away into the night in the sand.
I was like, was that a ghost?
And I was in like a tank caney and I was like, fuck yeah.
The beaches of Cheyenne song came on by Martha Brooks.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I just, and it was like the thunder rolls, you know, and then the lightning strikes.
I was like, hell yeah.
I just kissed Michael Campbell.
Damn, God, Michael Campbell.
And I'll say this.
That's a good name, too.
You got a damn good name for somebody.
You hope you did something.
You know what I'm saying?
I hope you did something with yourself and you're not just out there building fences.
Right.
Yeah.
Which is code word for being in prison.
Being in prison.
Uncle Tom's building fences, you know.
I remember, I remember now, you really making me think about when we would go to the beach and we would go and during the day, we would try to get liquor, then we would bury it in the sand.
In like a sand dune?
Yes, because we couldn't bring it back up to the hotel room because the parents would see it.
And then we'd go out at night and there used to be boys and girls would just be walking up and down the beach at night, like on the beach, like right where you could drown, you know, the freaking old Natalie Holloway circuit, you know?
Oh, shit.
And you'd be out there just trotting along and you would meet up with somebody and you might make out with them and you were only 13 or 14. I can't even believe we navigated it.
It seems like.
How did we pull that off?
Yeah.
I remember I got in so much trouble the first time I took booze down.
I got a thing of like Seagram's, the blue gin, because I thought it was going to taste like Gatorade.
God, and that looked nice.
It looked so nice.
And I brought it up.
The bottle was kind of square a little bit clean up.
Yeah, it was like a sharp bottle, you know, and I brought it down and we just like buried it in a sand dune.
My best friend Mary Beth and I were like, yeah, we're going to chug it.
And I was like, what the fuck is gin?
You know, my eyebrows just melted off.
I was like, I didn't want this to happen.
My tankini is just falling off.
It was, yeah, I was traumatized.
And my mom found it under my bed when I got back from like spring break.
And she's like, you're an alcoholic.
Like, I'm like, mom, I barely drank it.
Like, I had like a sip of it with Gatorade and I threw up for two hours.
So I barely drank it.
Yeah.
And the worst you was trying to make out with your mom.
Like, I don't remember like the first couple of times you got drunk, it was like crazy shit.
You're like, dad's cute, you know?
Oh, no, it was just shit would be crazy.
Like, what?
And your parents and you guys were at Charlos and Charlie's or whatever.
Yeah, whoever the fuck they were, dude, they were gay men.
And you guys were over there and your parents were like, what in the hell is going on?
I studied abroad in Italy and I literally was so fucked up the whole time I was there and had the best time.
But I thought I was going to go like go to Italy and like find like a hot Italian man.
I hooked up with like a Romanian, a Croatian, and then I'm like making out with this guy one night and his name's Fernando.
And we're talking.
I'm like, where are you from in Italy?
He's like, I'm from Cancun.
I'm the only person who went to Italy to study abroad and hooked up with a Mexican guy.
But his family owned Carlos and Charlie's.
So that was the big deal.
He's like, come to Cancun.
My family owns Carlos and Charlie's.
I was like, hell yeah.
Did you go?
Hell yeah, I did.
We're still Facebook friends.
You're lying.
You know, I swear we got.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I also, I also don't 100%.
No, I know for a fact his family did not own Carlos and Charlie's because I got there and like, we had to wait in line.
You know what I mean?
It's like, god damn it for not though.
He was hot though.
So damn, that's hilarious.
That's great.
Do you remember, were you guys pretty well off growing up?
Do your parents have some money?
So my dad.
You went to private school.
I did.
But my, I remember at the beginning when my dad was trying to build his business, he ended up being very successful.
But I remember at the beginning, my mom has this like triggering moment where my, my dad essentially, I guess, like did, he meant to like the software for the online credit report.
Oh, damn.
So he was big in the mortgage business and was like a computer nerd, but we started from nothing.
And I remember one day we were at the grocery store and I said, mom, we can't get that.
It's like ice cream.
I was like, we can't get it.
We don't have a coupon.
My mom said she went on that day and was like, you better fucking make this business work because these kids are like really like shaming me in a Kroger.
But yeah, I mean, when, by the time I graduated high school, dad had sold his company and he did well.
So yeah.
But I had this like great southern father and who was just like so, I mean, he had this like deep southern voice and he was just like, baby girl, you can do anything.
You're a goddamn McMahon.
Like go for it.
Like he loved being a girl dad, even though he was like this larger in life, larger than life character.
He looked exactly like Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but white.
So imagine white Uncle Phil.
That is literally my father.
I love that.
I love that, man.
And he died of cancer.
What kind of cancer did he get?
Pancreatic.
Oh, once it gets down there, it's fucking.
Oh, you're fucked.
And it was crazy from the day of diagnosis to the day of death.
It was one week.
You're lying.
I swear to God, he was going to have a fucking heart attack in Waffle House.
He went to Waffle House every day.
He had his own booth.
Like, they have a booth with a plaque on it where my dad used to go.
So he was really.
Yeah.
I mean, I thought for sure, if somebody called me and they're like, he just dropped dead in a Chick-fil-A, I'd be like, that's on brand, dad.
That's on brand.
But yeah, he had no idea.
And so we went to the hospital and they're like, yeah, he's got, you know, he's be lucky to make it through the night.
And we got him to MD Anderson in Houston.
And then it was like a week later.
So it's also weird because when you talk to other people about cancer, they're like, yeah, my mom struggled with chemo for three years.
And I'm like, we had a fucking week.
Like I still went through it and saw it, but it wasn't, I didn't have the same experience as everybody else.
Right.
It was insane.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was very quick.
If you get pancreatic cancer, but then you have like that one asshole.
We had this real dick in our neighborhood and he's had pancreatic cancer stage four for like 13 years.
He's still kicking it.
But I'm like, if you survive it, you're, you're an asshole.
Like if you're still on this earth, I think God either wants you to learn something, teach somebody something, or you still have something left to do.
I was like, my dad peaked.
That's the way I have to like rationalize it.
He was such a great guy.
He had had this successful company.
He fucking did it.
He peaked.
So once you peak, you're done.
Like lights out.
Yeah.
You're going to die.
Yeah.
So if you start to feel yourself peaking, man, you better get slow and figure it out.
Get real fucking lazy and make sure your will and a state is in the right place.
That's a good point, actually.
It is a scary feeling to feel like, what else do I need to do, or what else am I supposed to do?
It's also a nice feeling to think, what else am I, what other purpose do I have?
And to find some other purpose.
I think that's where I've been at recently, just real recently, just trying to figure out like, find some more purpose for myself that's not involving me.
Like, that's one thing, a side effect of doing our jobs these days is it's a lot of me.
Yeah.
And it's a lot of me.
And it's a lot of like, you know, you're the product kind of in a way.
And so it's a lot of me.
And it's like, God, it's so damn sick.
And then I'd be sick of myself.
Self-loathing too.
Yeah.
I'm so fucking sick of myself.
Yeah.
And then I had these moments where like, I never had anxiety before.
And I've recently like been getting super fucking anxious.
It's like almost like a manifestation through my body where I'm like, my head's like, I'm just like, what the fuck is happening?
And I'm like, I got to get over myself.
And then I'm like, you know, it's like, just stay fucking humble.
And not that I'm not, but it's like, you're like, why am I feeling this anxiety?
Like, I know what I'm doing.
I know what I'm here for.
But it's like trying to find that bigger purpose.
Like maybe, maybe it's the Lord telling me, like, slow your fucking roll, do something else for somebody, you know?
Yeah.
I think, well, that's what they say sometimes.
Yeah.
Like that I'll find, if I find, yeah, other stuff to do for, if I find stuff, if I make my focus other people, then I'll find more joy, you know?
But yeah, it's interesting, man, because you start to become that it's a lot about you because you're the product and you're the only one doing it.
And you're also, you're the production company.
You're the, there's so many little things that you are.
And it's like, and then also we, you, you made it work that way.
So it's hard to delegate.
I don't know how to tell anybody to do anything.
My entire family is like, you need to hire someone.
But I'm like, when you've been hustling it on the grind, it's like, I just know how to do it.
And that's another thing.
Pisces, we're not great at delegating.
Like, I'm like, if I don't do it for my, no, we're not.
We're terrible at it.
I mean, you got a good crew here and you got Riley.
You got to write this down.
Yeah, yeah, I got you.
I got you.
But yeah, it's really hard to just like let go of the reins and be like, okay, I trust somebody else because when you're like a Do we sleep on our side or not?
Do we sleep on our back or side?
No, we sleep on our tummy.
You sleep face down?
Or on your side?
I've been doing like kind of this almost 45 degree angle thing.
I got to figure it out.
Okay.
We sleep on our tummy.
We do sleep on our tummy.
I'm like face down.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
We're getting our lives together too.
No, it's a good notice because I don't know a lot of this.
And I think this is one thing where men and women, we don't know what's going on in the stars.
So we're out there hooking, you know, like we think everything's a little nipper, you know?
And we're like, oh, that's a little dipper, you know?
Yeah.
I mean, I've really had to have these moments like after coming off the road and like basically sitting at home for 2020.
I'm like, shit, I've had time to like be in the quiet and reflect.
And I realize I only thrive in chaos.
Like when I'm on the road, when I'm out auditioning, when I'm on 65 flights in a month, that's where I do well.
When I have time to kind of sit alone in my own thoughts, I'm like, this is a scary place to be.
And it's not that I'm like, you know, not in tune with who I am.
I think you have to be to do comedy, but there's just moments like I don't do well in silence.
Maybe I'm fucking codependent as shit.
I don't know what it is, but I need to have like the noise around me.
I'm also freezing my eggs right now.
So I'm on a lot of hormones.
So I'm just like, literally, I'm sweating through everything I have on right now.
And I think that's also why my anxiety is bad, but it's a fucking wild ride.
Frozen eggs, baby.
Yeah.
I like that.
Yeah.
But they basically, like, I have to put testosterone gel all over my shoulders at night.
I already, I'm built like a water buffalo.
Like, I don't know.
I wouldn't say that.
I'm built like a Conestoga wagon.
I know that.
I'm built like, yes.
Pull up a gingerbread man.
This is exactly what I'm like.
Ladies, if anybody wants some of this, you know what I'm saying?
I want you to know what you're going to get.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Full throttle.
We're going no frosting.
Okay.
We're going no frosting, though, ladies.
But pull up a water buffalo, too.
Yeah, pull up water buffalo and gingerbread man, please.
Can we get two images, Riley, whenever you get a chance?
You know, the brain is one of the biggest organs in the body.
And I made that up, but that could be true.
You know, these days, you don't know what's true, man.
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Yeah, it's interesting as you start to like kind of know what you are and what's going on.
But I can't imagine, you know, women, you guys get the, so when they do the eggs, what do they do?
Take me through the egg hunt.
It is such a wild ride.
And can anybody do it or you have to be chosen?
No, anybody can do it as long as you have eggs.
So you might actually have a couple eggs.
I don't know.
You could look into it.
Oh, dude, I feel like a little bit of a bitch.
Sometimes, brother, between us, man.
between us.
Now that one looks a little too, I need one a little bit lighter tone.
That one looks a little bit Argentinian for me.
No, not the water buffalo.
The gingerbread man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I could see this.
Do you have like thick hands, though?
No, you've got a nice thicker.
So only a medium length arms.
There we go.
Let's throw that happy-go-lucky guy right there.
There we go.
Oh, yeah.
And even the one that's kind of running away at the bottom, that's me.
Pisces running away from our problems.
Yeah.
That's me.
Don't hit the water, buffalo.
That's me to a T. A solid, slender ankle.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, great ankles, but just really, I mean, it's just all the powers right here.
Make a sock out of my freaking wiener.
That thing looks nice, bro.
Oh, how is that little baby right there?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that's where I'm at.
But yeah, I have to put testosterone, gel, and then like take estrogen pills.
So I'm just spiraling.
Like I don't know what the fuck's happening.
And where do you eat it?
Do you just, you guys, for all summer, you're in that field, or what do you guys do?
Yeah.
We just hang out in the field and then roll around in testosterone and grass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We actually eat, I mean, we, we, you know, we graze, if you will.
Oh, I love that.
We graze a little bit, then we also smoke a lot of menthols.
Oh, damn.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
There we go.
Woo, boo.
That's what I'm talking about.
A little testosterone gel, a little glaze in the grass.
And then a lot of menthols.
These eggs are lightly charred, huh?
You know what I'm saying, dude?
Now, did you date a lot of brothers growing up?
Because I feel like you seem like, and people must say this all the time, you kind of that brother bait.
Did you drive a Honda Civic and date a lot of brothers?
I did not drive a Honda Civic.
I drove an old BMW.
I would say like if Jeff got hit by, I have a very distinct type, and it's literally like my father.
I consider, like, identify as a lumber sexual.
I like men in like plaid shirts with chest hair and beards and like medium penises.
Like that is to me.
Okay.
That's, that's my type.
Okay.
But the, but the men who hit on me inside my DMs the most are urban gentlemen for sure.
I had a man after a show in Atlanta one time.
He came up to me.
He's like, damn, girl, never lose y'all groceries.
And I was like, I mean, I'm so sorry.
I have no, I literally was stumped.
And I was like, I'm so sorry, sir.
What?
And he's like, you know, girl, y'all, melons.
And then just like, then they just walked away.
And I was like, I don't know what just happened, but I'm kind of turned on right now.
Black men also, I think they just have a level.
They can, I think, fuck at a different level, I feel like.
I don't know.
Yes.
Yeah, I don't know.
My last couple of boyfriends were not black, but yes, those are the men who, here's the thing.
I think because they're like, they're excited.
They're like ready to do.
They're like fun.
But they also like really confident women.
And I think that's what it is.
Like, look at black women.
They're always just like owning themselves in their body so comfortable.
Like, what do white women have?
We have, like, Gwyneth Paltrow telling us we have to do a fucking cleanse and put crystals up our vagina all the time.
Yeah.
So I think I kind of carry that southern big hair, big tits, like, let's fucking go, you know, energy.
How many people think you're that lady who married the football player's wife?
You gotta be a little bit more specific.
The lady who married the football player.
The lady they had a reality show for a while on Bravo.
Do people ever think you're that lady?
Oh, Kim's Olsiak.
Yes.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So my mom went up to her at a Publix one time.
Your mom thought he was you?
Yes.
My mom went up to her and was like, Kim, my daughter looks just like you.
And then showed her a photo of me.
And Kim was not happy with it.
But I'm like, Kim, come on, girl.
I'm like you with like, you know, an extra 20 pounds.
But yes, I do get told I look like Kim all the time.
Oh, that's funny.
I get a lot of random stuff.
Kim look all different.
I mean, I haven't seen her in years or anything.
I just remember they used to have a show that she was on.
Yeah, Don't be tardy for the party.
And it was because her husband played Atlanta football.
And I'm a Saints fan, so we would see, they would play each other.
I get Anna Nicole Smith a lot.
Oh, yeah, the deceased.
Yeah, deceased.
Rest in peace.
But I get her like when she was having a good day.
I used to work at this gym in LA, and this old guy named Moses would come in all the fucking time, and he would just scream, Anna Nicole, you're here.
And I'd be like, God damn it, Moses.
Like, I know you're in a knee brace and you're here to exercise, but I want to fucking take you out by the knees.
Like, I don't need you.
And then everybody would kind of turn and look at the calendar and they'd be like, oh, she is Anna Nicole.
And I'm like, god damn it.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I wonder what musical we would be in.
Sound of music is good.
It's a good one.
Yeah.
I mean, we're not hitting Hamilton.
You know what I mean?
I just don't think we have the diversity or the talent for it.
So I think, yeah, I don't know.
And I don't like those.
I think a lot of the uniforms they were on a ship or something.
I don't like a lot of that.
I feel you.
I feel you.
Then, I mean, what else could we do for?
We could do like dirty dancing.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
We could have a moment in dirty dancing.
Again, we would have no pants on.
Yeah, exactly.
Y'all remember you're the one thing.
That song you know what I'm talking about?
Yeah.
Okay.
But then I would pick.
Because I keep singing it and you're seeming like you don't know what I'm talking about and it's making me nervous.
A time of my life.
Hold on, we got to remember.
Never felt this way before.
No, I know it.
I know it.
I was letting you take it.
I'm in a wheelchair.
I got to be in a wheelchair.
And at the end, I just go off a little ramp.
And then I'm at the bottom and you crush me.
But we figured it out.
We're like, obviously, it's like stage combat where I don't actually get hurt.
But that's the new twist that you end up killing me.
Do you have a thing that you got to blow into for the week?
Because they did a fundraiser.
Yes, I love that.
They did a fundraiser volleyball game.
And it rained, but people still came and gave money.
And somebody got electrocuted because they also had a band there.
And that guy died, but it wasn't about him.
It's never about him.
And everyone's like, hey, you know what, Dylan?
Go fuck yourself.
You always try and make it about you.
Because he's a Taurus.
And that's how that works.
He is.
He's a Taurus, dude.
He's a Taurus, but he ain't no freaking bull.
No, he ain't a water buffalo.
No, he ain't.
God, it's like looking in the mirror.
Really, I just don't.
I mean, I understand the relationship to, I understand seeing an object.
Pull up Conestoga Wagon, if you will, please, Raleigh.
How do you spell that?
I couldn't fucking tell you.
Also, let's go on record first time an Asian guy has asked me how to spell something.
And no offense, Raleigh, not assuming you're Asian, but Conestoga Wagon.
We expected better.
How about this, dude?
Fucking gas, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
Just type in wagon.
I think those would come up.
Let's see you spell it out.
I actually want to see this go on.
Because the spelling bee at our school and shout out this girl, Helena, and they called her big Helena.
Ooh.
She was pregnant.
That's why she was big.
And people were still like, you're fat.
And she's like, I have a black baby in me.
You know, it was like kind of, but no.
I'm about to fucking crush this spelling bee.
Suck a dick.
Yeah.
She won the spelling bee in fifth grade pregnancia.
Okay.
And I missed that.
Women can do anything.
I'm telling you.
Thank you.
We can.
Thank you.
Look at the Statue of Liberty.
Okay.
You know, she's in heels and she's been standing up that long.
She's been doing it.
Crushing it.
Praise God.
This is a Conestoga wagon.
That's how I'm built.
Yes.
Hold on.
Let me take a look at you.
Let me take a look at the wagon.
100%.
I've actually never seen something more accurate.
Thank you.
Yep.
The neck is right.
Yeah.
Yep.
Limited neck.
Limited neck.
I can see, you know, I'll look around, but a lot of it's for show.
Yeah.
But see, you're self-aware.
That's another thing about being a Pisces.
You're self-aware.
Oh, too self-aware.
Too self-aware.
And that's why we get anxiety.
Yeah.
I think.
No, I think you might be right.
God.
I wish I freaking knew you more because I just need a lot of this information.
I got you.
I will literally help you.
I'll find you love.
I'll do your taxes.
Not well, but I will do them.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And yeah, I'll find you love and help you fix your life.
But that's also another thing.
I like to kind of help and fix people.
Like, I love a fucking project.
Yeah, I love a project.
Oh, dang.
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah.
A fixer-upper, let's go.
Are you touring?
What are you going to be doing?
So I kind of did what you did.
I did a bunch of the live shows.
Here's my thing.
My audience gets really fucking rowdy.
Like, originally, they were like, let's do some of these drive-in shows.
But I'm like, I've had to call an ambulance multiple times for these drunk women.
So I said, the last thing we want to do is have a drive-in show where then there's like a 15-car pileup on the highway and my name's on the marquee.
So I was like, let's not do anything with vehicles.
So you guys had a bad drive-in?
Yeah, yeah.
No, I just, I was like, I'm not going to do the drive-in shows.
I know that's what everybody's doing this summer.
So I'm waiting.
I mean, I had to put my tour in hold.
So I hope we're able to go out in the fall.
I need to like pop in and start doing some shows again.
But no, I haven't, I haven't.
And it's kind of nerve-wracking.
I think now some anxiety can come from that.
You're like, will people still come out?
They came out before.
Will they come out again?
And I fear that.
I think everybody, I think a lot of people do in our business.
You know, you just don't know.
Things were going pretty decently.
You don't know if people forget about you, if they forgot, you know, like even though there's proof that they didn't, you still just don't know sometimes.
I know my audience pretty well, though.
I mean, everybody.
They love you.
I mean, listen, I have a very strong female audience and, you know, I am their white Oprah and I'm just so proud to have that role.
But I know that these women, I mean, they message me on the fucking regular.
They're like, I've got three kids.
I've been locked up raw with my fucking husband, you know, Marcus.
Like, I'm going to literally murder the whole family.
You better be performing this weekend.
So I have a feeling it's going to be like revenge travel.
Like these women, when they're able to be in a theater again, they're going to be losing their fucking shit.
So, and I had a wild tour in 2019 where I was like, God damn, I almost like felt a little self-conscious.
I was like, do I come off as like a raging partier?
Because I mean, I drink, but nothing crazy.
And these women would just be like getting so fucked up at the shows.
And I had to be like, hey, guys, I want you to enjoy this and take something away from the show.
So like pump the brakes on the seltzers before you get here.
But I think it's going to get even wilder.
Like I think I'm going to have to just do some crazy shows right out of the gate and then we can get back to like trying to be a professional.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, that's a good point.
You know, I stopped in the comedy club last night and half the crowd I felt like was just wanting to be out.
Yeah.
They just want to be out somewhere.
If it's a woman or man, whoever's come, they're bringing their, they've wheeled their partner out.
You know, the partner does not want to be there.
The partner wants to be doing something else.
They just got into like chess.com or some bullshit that eventually will lead them out of the marriage.
Yes, because I saw the Queen's Gambit and now they're like, oh yeah, I'm going to be a fucking chess tycoon.
You're like, no, you're not.
You're 20 years behind.
Yeah, so I think a lot of people are just wanting to be out right now.
Yeah, I mean, I'm starting to get that itch.
I mean, other than the fact that I'm sweating because I'm on a lot of hormones right now.
But yeah, I'm starting to get that itch where I just need, it's a revenge travel.
Like I'm ready to go.
I had COVID.
I'm like, I've got the antibodies.
Let's roll, you know?
Are you hiding your economy accelerating?
Oh, I'm fucking melting.
But again, it's because I'm on testosterone.
Is it?
I was on some a little bit.
I got off of it.
But will you, do you mind cutting the air conditioner on?
It's right outside of the door.
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't know if you could have it.
Oh, thank God.
Praise be.
I'm fucking melting.
I've drank like already this water.
I'm hitting a smoothie.
It's been a while.
Yeah.
Well, you look nice, though.
I don't see any sweat on your head or anything.
Well, I'm just, I feel like the pants are getting, you know what I mean?
Just, I mean, when you have big tits, though, it just, it all, it captures right around your heart, which then, that's why I have fucking hot flashes all the time.
That's the other thing, performing.
I'm a very physical comedian, and I get off stage, and then I have to do these meet and greets, and I have to, like, change clothes.
And I don't sweat in normal life.
I mean, it's amped up, obviously, because I'm on testosterone gel.
But yeah, I want to get on.
I remember getting, I would get sweaty on stage, and I remember, yeah, I never had any tits like that.
I had decent, I used to do steroids, and I had some pretty good tits for a little bit, but that was in college, you know?
And they were just, you know, chest more mouth.
Yeah.
I mean, I feel like I'm on Roids right now.
Like, I literally called my doctor before I came in.
I've only been on these for a week, but you basically have to do this shit where you have to like prep your body so you can grow a ton of eggs.
Oh, really?
And then they go in and they try and take as many eggs as possible.
No way.
And it's a really weird feeling.
Yeah, it's almost like angry birds.
Yeah, no, it's literally angry birds.
And it's the weirdest feeling because most people, they like take their eggs and then they're immediately like trying to get pregnant.
But I've got to go finish tours.
And like my career is just now in this place where I'm like, okay, I, I, but my doctor's like, you need to try and get these out while you can because in two years it might be hard to get pregnant.
So I'm doing all this shit to make your body think that you're pregnant to prepare to then not have somebody like hand you a baby.
It's the weirdest thing.
So it's a real big emotional, I mean, obviously you're a hormonal roller coaster, but I'm just like about to have to start shots in like a week.
Like what?
It's just the most outer body feeling.
Do they give you a pract, like a, like a baby to carry around just like a cabbage patch doll?
To take the edge off?
You know, they can.
And actually, I think I should probably request that.
I don't know why I didn't ask for that in the beginning.
Yeah, you get like a little papoose with the baby.
And it's really just to see like if you are suitable to be a parent.
Yeah, to get a temp, at least something to keep under your arm for an hour.
You know what I'm saying?
Just something to take that little grit out of you.
Yeah.
And I asked my husband, I said, you know, like, ideally, when would you want to have kids?
He's like, just such a typical dude answer.
He's like, I don't know, like five to seven years.
I'm like, the clock is ticking, bro.
Like, I don't have that.
He's like, let's start in like seven years.
I'm like, I'll be like well into my 40s.
It's not going to happen.
He's like after Illinois wins, you know, like, we don't know when that's going to be.
Oh, everything's around Penn State, you know?
He's just like, yeah, when Penn State like wins a championship.
And so I'm like, yeah, good luck to you.
When they stop molesting people, yeah, then maybe.
But fucking.
They're the wrong business.
No, so many people have been molested and called into this show.
So it's totally, that's nothing crazy.
Yeah.
What else do we want to cover here?
Let's bring up another question that came in from someone that loves you.
And we'll see what we can do here.
Actually, you know what I want to get to real quick?
Let's bring up that video of, we do something on here where we do something fun, nice for single moms.
So we had somebody who called in and submitted one.
So let's get that video up real quick.
If you don't mind, Riley Mal.
Oh, oh.
Okay.
Is your title nervous?
Hey, Theo is Cody from Central Pennsylvania.
I wanted to nominate my co-worker, Kim, as a single mother.
You know, whenever we come back to our office, had a bad day, had a hard day.
She's always a smiling face, cheers us up.
And a great woman.
She's raised a good daughter, got a good head on her shoulders.
She's trying to take care of her mother, commuting to take care of her mother as well.
And it's just been a little tough lately.
Figured I'd reach out.
But gang, gang.
Gang, baby, thanks for the call.
Let's call Kim real quick, and we'll just...
Let's give her a call.
Yeah, look, it's nice that people support, man.
And I remember my mom always just like, sometimes if she would have had like a little extra cat just to do something, you know?
Just so she, like, a couple of hours, she didn't have to think about something.
You know, like, I feel like it just would have helped her a lot.
But what do I know?
Also, let's see.
Let's call him up, Riley.
Can you get that lady on there?
Kim is her name?
Yep.
He's on.
He's on.
Oh, God, I cannot wait to set up.
Riley, I'm so thrilled.
Yeah, now that I want to see.
Yeah, you know, I'm sure I could eventually figure out something.
If something real, you know, positive comes across your desk, let me know.
Can you switch to the camera so they can see me, Riley?
There we go.
She's going to think I'm an ampedophile.
Hey, Kim.
Yes.
Hey, my name is Theo.
I'm just, I guess I'm a stranger, really, but I am calling you.
A friend of yours, I work on a podcast.
I'm a podcast guy.
And a friend of yours called, who was the guy who submitted the video, Riley?
Can you tell me?
Cody.
Cody, a man named Cody that works with you, reached out and he said, because sometimes I was raised by a single mother.
Sometimes we do something nice for single moms.
So he nominated you.
He just said, look, there's a lady that works with me.
And sometimes I'm having a bad day or at work we're having a bad day.
And I see her and she always boosts my spirits.
And she's been a great mom.
She has a child and she's been taking care of her mother.
And it's just been a lot.
He said, I noticed it might have been some extra stress on her recently.
So he just nominated you.
And we just do a thing where we just give you a little financial gift of a thousand bucks and you can go do something fun.
And that's all it is.
So we just, I know it's a lot of me talking immediately out of the gate.
And I just wanted to just let you know why I'm calling so you don't think I'm some kind of pervert or something.
Well, thank you so much, Theo.
I really appreciate that.
That is really awesome.
Cody is an awesome friend and co-worker.
And when he told me that he did this, I looked you up and I watched one of your podcasts and enjoyed it very much.
So this is great in many ways because he opened my eyes to you and you're a funny guy.
And he said that you do great things for people and just is wonderful.
Well, that's sweet of him to say that.
You know, it's nothing super big, but yeah, it's sometimes just nice to have a little bit, you know, just something extra to get a little extra coin.
You go do something, you know, do something, take mom to the skate park or something, you know.
What does your mom enjoy doing?
Do y'all spend any time?
What's the time like that you guys spend together?
Well, unfortunately, my mom is ill right now.
And I just saw her a couple days ago for the first time in over a year because of COVID.
And so she's struggling.
I'm trying to help her.
I live two and a half hours away from her, so it's not easy to see her on a regular basis.
So I'm just trying to help her, hopefully move her closer to me and just take care of her.
She's 71, which is, you know, still fairly young, I think.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of games of Scrabble left in that lady, I think.
Do you guys like to play a board game or is there something you like to do?
My mom and I like to play Scrabble sometimes.
Oh, yeah.
Well, not recently, because I've been away from her for a few years.
We used to go to concerts a lot.
Oh, damn.
Oh, yeah.
We've been to, you know, anything from rock to country to pretty much anything.
So that was really big for us for many years.
Oh, wow.
And we're big Washington football team fans.
Oh, wow.
That's incredible.
Well, you know what?
Also, I think maybe we'll have to send her some nice flowers or something.
We'll grab her address from you, you know, so we can just, you know, and keep in touch and see if there's some other way that we can help out.
I don't know if I know anybody with the Washington football team.
I'd say I'd get you some tickets over there, but I might, though.
I'm going to have to ask around.
Maybe we'll see what we can do.
And we have Heather McMahon here today, too.
She's a comedian friend of mine.
Hello.
She might have some suggestions.
I don't know.
What do you do with your mom, Heather?
My mom's 73 and sassy.
I mean, she loves a home goods.
You know what I mean?
She just likes to bebop around town.
Yeah, here's the thing.
We're going to figure out.
I'm going to reach out to whoever I need to.
We're going to get you some tickets to a Washington game.
Oh, that'd be awesome.
I mean, I feel like I'm well lubricated, well-connected.
We'll figure it out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Could your mom go to a game, you think, possibly one day, or what do you think?
I'm hoping as of right now, no, just because of her medical issues right now.
But I sure hope that we can in the future.
Okay.
So that is a little iffy right now, but it would be great to take her to a game.
It's been almost 10 years since we've been to a game.
Oh, dang.
Well, it's probably been that long since the team's been decent, too.
Probably a little over 20. Okay.
And you're still fans.
Wow.
good on you.
Lifelong, lifelong fan, no matter how good or bad they do.
That's pretty cool.
Yeah, you don't meet a mother-daughter football fan.
I haven't met it that much.
I haven't.
I just want to say I think it's so fantastic that you're taking care of your mom.
I moved back in with my mom, and my mom's 73. And just like this time that you get with your parents, just like hold on to it because it's, you know, you can't get those years back.
So you're doing the Lord's work.
You really are.
Well, thank you.
That's why I want to move her closer to me so I can see her on a daily and weekly basis.
It's really, really difficult to have her so far away.
And I hadn't seen her in almost a year and a half, and it was just very difficult.
I'm an only child.
I have an only child.
My mom's an only child.
So we have like the world's smallest family, I think.
Damn, yeah.
And what's the biggest thing preventing you from having her close right now?
Financial issues.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I need to figure out how to get her moved up here, just moving costs and find a place that has some assisted, she needs some assistance.
So not necessarily an assisted living place, but possibly help.
Get a nurse to come in to check on her.
Moving's expensive and help.
Like nursing is so expensive.
So I hear you.
We looked into it for a family friend.
I was like, I never realized how truly expensive it is to get an extra set of hands.
And if you go through the government and stuff, it's hard to get that.
It's all these so much documentation and you can't have a job a lot of times if you want to get help.
It's really, it's really tough.
You know what?
I want us to help out as much as we can.
So I want to stay in touch and see if there's some way that we can't find some, you know, I don't want to promise anything, but just see if we can see what the costs are and some of the longer term kind of thing.
I know when my mother's, when her husband, when her second husband died, one of her biggest, as he got older, one of the tough things was my mother couldn't claim any income because if she did, she couldn't get like, you know, then she couldn't get assistance and all this.
There's so much rigmarole.
So anyway, I bet your mom's so proud of you, though.
She is.
She is very proud of me and I'm proud of her too.
You know, she was a single mom and it was tough.
And now I'm a single mom of five years, I guess it's been.
And yeah, it's tough.
But we're very, very close and would like to continue that as long as possible.
Well, we're going to stay in touch and see what we can do to try and help out.
And just thank you so much.
And yeah, just thanks for answering the phone today.
Yeah, and it just puts us in a place of just remembering that we're, you know, that everybody's kind of dealing with something, whether it's big or small sometimes.
And that it's nice to connect and think about those things together.
Right.
Right.
Well, I really appreciate your help and your thoughtfulness.
It's really awesome.
Well, that's sweet.
You know, these days it's really hard to find nice people that want to help out.
And I greatly appreciate it.
Well, that's sweet of you to say that.
And yeah, we're going to stay in touch and see what we can do to try and, I don't know, I feel like we can be a little more helpful, though.
And so I just want to see, let's see what we can do.
And thanks for your time today.
And I hope you guys have a nice day over there.
Okay.
Well, thank you so much, Theo.
It was really nice meeting you.
Thanks so much for your help.
You bet.
Take care.
Have a good one.
All right.
Take care.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
So sweet.
Yeah.
It's got to be tough when your mom's far away, huh?
Especially if you want to go and it's like, if you're still working and then it take that, you got to get that extra time to go do that.
I'll say after like moving back in with my mom, now I've done it twice, right?
Right after my dad died, I had like a period where I was like, I can't believe I'm doing this.
And like, I have a sister and she's fantastic, but her career was, she's an attorney and life was busy.
But I like picked up and moved back home.
And I was just so resentful for so many reasons.
I was like mourning the loss of my father, but also like my mom's a young spirit.
Like she can do stuff, you know?
It's not like, I mean, God bless, like she didn't need physical help.
But there were moments now looking back, I'm like, I can never get back that time with my mom.
And so my husband and I literally gave up our apartment in New York and we've moved back in with my mom now.
And we're like taking over her house and all this.
And Jeff, my husband is like so into it and he loves it.
But I just like have so much fucking fun with my mom now.
Like she's just the best.
And I'm like, it's the best decision.
Most people are like, you live with your fucking mom.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, I do.
And you rage and it's amazing.
You know, like, I'm like, I've never had more fun in my life.
I don't want to hang out with anybody my own age.
She's 73, doesn't look a day over 40. And she's just savage.
She is unreal.
And it's the best.
I wonder if we had a show and it would be like you and like maybe you and your mom live together and I'm like the brother that comes back and lives with you guys or something.
And then you think I'm going to help, but I don't help.
Yeah.
You just hang out in the basement, do Bitcoin, play FIFA.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
And I end up dating one of your mom's friends.
You date one of the friends from the Cuddry Club.
Yes.
Yes.
And then like you, you bring her home to your basement apartment.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
It's not far off.
Yeah.
I like this.
Yeah.
But Riley, where do you fit in, man?
We still don't have a lady for you, man.
Yeah, man.
I mean, I think if Heather, you know, helps out with you.
I think you got me.
I got you.
When's your birthday?
July 14th.
So what do you do with Cancer?
Yep.
Ooh, we're going to get along.
Cancer and Pisces.
Okay, we're going to get along.
I got you.
Ladies, if you're listening and you like a cancer, it's a lot of sad men who listen to this.
And no offense, guys.
I got y'all's back, fam.
You feel me?
Gang, gang, baby.
There you go.
No, I'm joking.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no, but I know they're sad.
Yeah, I know they are.
I know they are.
I can feel it.
The energy just reads really sad.
And Riley's giving me a little, I mean, you're giving me a little joy, but most of sadness.
You got to really, you got to beat it out of them.
You know what I'm saying?
You do.
And I love that.
I mean, I listen to this podcast religiously.
So I live for when you, you know, you just, you give like the least, but I can get the most from it.
So I just need you to know that even though you're doing the least, I'm getting the most.
And that's what it's really all about, Riley.
So I got you.
I will find you a woman with green eyes and maybe one leg, maybe two legs, you know?
Yeah.
Maybe three nipples.
I don't know, but it's going to get freaky.
But I will make sure she's a woman of the Lord.
There you go.
Yes.
I got you.
Amen.
I got you.
God is good all the time.
And all the time, God is good.
Hey, there you go, Riley.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Riley Mao.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's bring one more question from one of Heather's listeners, and then I think we'll probably be good for the day.
Great, because I've sweat through everything.
Hey, it's kind of cute, I think.
Oh, that is not one of my listeners.
It could be.
It could be.
Okay.
I see.
Hey, Theo.
Hey, Heather, it's Brent coming from Michigan.
And Heather, I see you like to travel a lot.
Have you ever had like a near-death experience?
And if so, where and how did that go?
Let us know.
Okay.
I love just the aggressive, like, what's up?
It's a very Michigan thing, too.
I think so.
You know what I mean?
Just like, what is life?
Near-death experience.
Let's see.
I mean, dude, yeah, I almost died in Baltimore.
I don't know if you've been to Baltimore.
I have.
It's basically the Black Maine.
And yeah, it gets a little.
It gets a little crazy.
People had warned me.
I was there for a show and people had warned me.
They're like, just wait till you see somebody doing like the heroin.
Yes.
And they're literally like zombies walking out.
And I played this club that was across from like one of the scary.
Magoobies.
Was it Magoobi's or no?
Was it?
No.
Sorry.
I need to quit interrupting.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're fine.
No, no.
No, I think it was like, oh, shit.
It was some, I can't remember the place.
I just remember we rolled in.
We couldn't find food anywhere.
Yeah.
And we were staying, like, they were like, there's one street in Baltimore.
You can like stay in a hotel there.
You can get a sandwich here.
Everything was closed.
This wasn't during COVID.
This is in 2019.
I just remember seeing.
This was during regular time.
Like the subway was closed.
Like a subway sandwich.
I was like, I just need a fucking sandwich.
And then I came out and everyone's doing the heroin lane.
Oh, yeah.
And then I had never had a panic attack in my life.
But for some reason, like just the energy of Baltimore, I had a panic attack right before I went out on stage.
And I had to start the show and like work through it.
So I did have that moment where I was like, okay, I, I just did a show through a panic attack so I can do anything, like anything that gets thrown at me.
I'm like, I got this.
And then when we got back out of the theater, it was more people doing the heroin lee.
And I was like, we got to get the fuck out of Baltimore.
I just, I don't get it.
And people from Baltimore got really upset.
They're like, our town's great.
We've got crabs.
I'm like, if that's the only thing, you have crabs and spirit airlines.
Like, I don't know what, I just don't see the draw.
I really don't.
Crabs are just SUV shrimp, bro.
They aren't.
They really are.
They really are.
It's just a shrimp in an armored truck.
That's all it is, bro.
I mean, crabs are great, but it's not, y'all, you know, it's happening underwater.
You're not doing it.
I'd like to see you do more above ground.
Yeah.
100%.
At least dolphins come out.
They come out of the water.
That's all they do.
They do a little, hello, pop, pop in, pop out.
Yeah, I would love to see a crab at least, you know.
Give me something.
Give me something.
Yeah.
But yeah, Baltimore's a wild place, man.
I definitely, I remember going there one time and there was people, yeah, kind of heroined out up top, you know, just kind of wandering around.
And UFC had just come there for the first time.
People were going insane.
She had people that were fighting each other in the street and then you had heroin people just kind of like refereeing.
There was a third world.
I can't.
It's a third.
It's a fifth.
It's yeah, it's yeah, it's like a two and a half world.
I thought about getting into the UFC stuff.
I know you're a big UFC guy, but I have some of the female UFC fighters that follow me.
And I just expected these women to like come up.
They came to one of my shows in Atlantic City.
And I just expected them to be like ripped.
And they were like half my size.
And I'm like, you're in the fucking octagon.
Because I feel like I'm built to fight.
I'm a very like gentle person, but I'm just, I'm very limber.
Like I got a high kick.
I'm strong.
You know, I feel like I would thrive in that environment, but I don't know.
I know you're training.
I could see.
Yeah, I've been doing some training.
I like it.
I really like how my ribs got hurt.
I've fought in a lot of the women in class.
I could see you doing it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I could see any woman doing it.
It definitely, it's a confidence builder.
And it's not about as much the fighting when you're at the training.
It's just more about like learning how to like women will definitely learn to defend themselves and how to like.
That's what I want too.
Yeah.
A lot of them.
I'm going to learn how to like, you know, break someone's nose if they come up behind me at a ballet.
You know, I just want to fuck some shit up.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Self-preservation.
Yeah, you could do that.
You'll be preserved after a couple of classes, I think.
Yeah.
Yeah, I really enjoy it.
I think it's fun.
And a lot of the fighters are really nice people.
Do you only fight people in your weight class?
You're supposed to.
I thought I had a blind guy.
Look, it's really, I have a long way to go.
Okay.
They have put me against females and most recently a blind gentleman.
Yeah, Albert.
Oh, sweet Albert.
Well, how'd it go?
He's good.
He's good.
Yeah.
He's good, man.
I think he used to do gift wrapping or something, like a Macy.
So he fucking had me.
The best massage I've ever had in my life was a blind man.
Yeah.
And he was like, you know, they warned me, but this guy, they're like, he'll change your life.
And you could feel him feeling around the table.
And I'm like, yeah, you lose one sense.
You get a new sense in your hands.
I mean, it was incredible.
He knew the body like no one's business.
I was like, I really kind of only want blind masseuses from here on out.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah, I think sight, eventually sight will become a thing of the past.
But just in general, just yeah.
I could see it phasing out.
Yeah.
I could, yeah.
My hearing's going for sure.
Yeah.
Who needs?
I mean, I think us having skin starts to feel really like archaic almost.
Like in the future, it seems like we'll have some sort of a dip or something that people will be in.
Like a paraffin wax that you just go in and then that's all that's your new skin.
Something like, doesn't it seem almost archaic that we're still wearing our old skin?
It seems crazy that women are still giving birth with their actual body.
You know what I'm saying?
Something start to seem a little bit like you see somebody do it and you're like, oh, this is going to become outdated.
This seems almost.
Oh, I feel like an alien right now putting all this shit into my body.
And then I had to do the shots and it's like, couldn't we have done this with like a grapefruit?
Like there's a lab somewhere that could be growing this.
Yeah.
You know, Barbara Strey saying what, she paid a bunch of money and like cloned her dog.
And I'm like, yeah, it was only like actually $20,000.
I mean, think about it for like cloning an animal.
I'm like, yeah, let's, why aren't we there yet?
Right.
Maybe we are.
I don't know.
They haven't called me.
They haven't told me.
I didn't get the email.
You know, it'll probably start, you know, it'll start abroad first, I'm sure.
Because we haven't too many regulations, you know.
Here, you know, it's tougher to get things passed.
Here, we'd probably have a lot of different stuff, you know?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, you know, good old US of A. Remains to be seen.
It remains to be seen a lot of things.
Heather Mayman, thanks so much for coming in today.
Thanks for having me.
Yeah, I appreciate it.
And people can check you out.
Yeah, check me out on Instagram.
Yeah.
And you can listen to my podcast, The Actually Not Podcast.
The Absolutely Not Not Podcast.
And we'll put links to all that right in the description.
And yeah, thanks so much for your time and for coming in and for bringing your childhood friend in.
Hey, thanks for letting me sweat on your couch.
This has been a real magical afternoon.
Yeah, we're going to auction off that cushion, actually.
Yeah, let's get weird with it.
All your sad, lonely male followers.
Riley's probably going to keep that information.
Ooh, I smell like testosterone.
Riley, ooh.
Riley, I actually feel like there's been a little sexual energy between us.
I really do.
I do.
I mean, do you feel that way?
Oh, yeah.
Okay, good.
Good.
Riley is, I mean, all he has is sexual energy.
Honestly, radiates it.
Radiates sexual energy.
And I don't think you're living your truth.
So I think I'm going to get you with a broad-shouldered, thin-ankled, just big-titty blonde girl.
Who loves the Lord?
You know?
She's in the youth path.
No, not youth.
Sorry.
God, no.
No, she's a youth group leader, but she is an adult.
Look, let's be honest, at some churches, she could be as long as she's kind of like as long as she's a pastor in training, a PIT or whatever.
Pastor in training.
Pastress.
Yeah.
Whatever it is.
But I see it.
And I just ask one thing.
If I find you your wife, can I please officiate the wedding?
Sure.
Hell yeah.
Okay, great.
I love it.
Look.
Who knows what could happen?
Magic.
It could be how magic starts.
Heather, thanks so much for coming in.
Thanks for having me.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of my life out.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself on my shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I'll stay here just for this.
And now I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my pants.
And these wheels that I've been riding on, they won't so thin that they're damn near gone.
I guess now they just weren't built to land.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Charmaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Whoa!
I think Tom Hanks just buttiled me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is.
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