Theo talks about going into the caves of Kentucky, the power of the phrase "Everything is going to be OK" and gets emotional listening to voicemails from fans. Plus, Theo sits down with the one and only Kris Kringle - aka - Santa Claus, for an exclusive interview.
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Even if I just sit down and do nothing, I'm still traveling at the speed of time.
It's really interesting when you think about it.
You could lay in a bed.
You could be in a damn coma, bro.
You could be in a food coma and a real coma.
You could have been in a car accident after Thanksgiving.
And so you double comed.
Laying there.
I mean, just still as a damn frozen orphan.
And you're still traveling through time.
You're still clocking miles, you know.
I think it was maybe episode 60 or something.
They had Tiny Sand Who came through with a very, just that ear tickler.
That seasonal ear tickler from the great Tiny Sand Who.
Let's hear it a little bit right now.
Remember that?
Remember Tiny?
Come on.
jingle bells.
There he is, Betty.
There he is.
Who could forget that, man?
Who could forget that, man?
And that was almost, that was probably, you know, 140 episodes, 240 episodes ago or something.
Jesus, what have we been talking about in here?
I mean, what have we been talking about?
I'm grateful to still be here with you.
I'm grateful, and I hope that you are, I hope you're leaning into the holidays.
You know, I didn't realize it was the holidays suddenly.
And then bam, bro.
You know, like a brother with a freaking, you know, like a brother with a ski mask.
This shit just rolls up on you.
You know, bam, the holidays is right there.
And suddenly here we are.
And it is that time of year, man.
It is that time of year when you get to feel it a little bit.
And especially in such a wild year.
Let me play a couple of sounds that remind me of Christmas.
Christmas.
That's the sound of like maybe somebody...
You know, somebody's just like on a second date and they decide that they actually like each other or something.
And they just kind of like, you know, start that they're having whipped cream or something.
They put it on each other's face or something.
You know, and then she kind of smirks and he kind of like maybe he hides behind a tree or something.
And then she, you know, spills her eggnog in the park and he's like, oh, I didn't do it, you know.
So that's a little bit of Christmas right there.
Euphoria right there.
That's called A Christmas Dance by Arthur Benson.
And let's see if we got another sound right here.
Oh damn, this one you high as hell, bruh.
Oh damn, this one you high as hell, bruh.
This when you high as hell, bro.
That's when you believe in, that's when you believe you drive a reindeer.
That's when you believe that.
Dude, the other night, so I went to this deal over here.
A couple things happened to me.
So one, people's getting soft, man.
People is getting soft.
Dude, they not fully baking people anymore.
Some people, they seem like, like I was, when I was born, I was baked at probably about 450 degrees for nine months.
You know what I'm saying?
That's how I rolled out of my ma.
But you got MFers out here, some soft batch cotton boys out here just, dude, here's what happened.
So I went to this town called Bowling Green, Kentucky.
And it is the home of fruit of the loom drawers.
So if you ever been wearing them fruit of the looms, baby, you know, if you ever got your fruit all loomed up, then you know them bitches came straight out of Kentucky.
That's basically Kentucky that's holding you nuts, bruh.
Kentucky just holding your ivories, bruh.
Gotcha.
You know, they're just supporting you low batch, daddy.
But what I'm telling you is this.
So I went there to look at some different vehicles.
I've been vehicle shopping.
So I decided I'm going to get me a hotel, stay over there for the evening.
Dude, the guy behind, I go knock on the door of the hotel, and I understand it's COVID times, bro.
The disease is out.
So, first, the guy comes to the window of the hotel, the door, glass door, and looks at me like I'm COVID.
Like, oh, who's here?
Is COVID here?
Like, bitch, I'm not COVID.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm regular, baby.
So, anyway, the guy, it was just so ridiculous.
Like, looking at me like he was going to be able to judge if I had the disease through the glass.
So anyway, he lets me inside and I was like, say, hey, Devan, do you guys have a room here?
He's like, yeah, we got a room.
Let me go see if it's clean or not.
I was like, all right.
You know, and he goes upstairs.
Literally, he was upstairs for probably about 15 minutes.
Obviously, he should have cleaned it earlier.
That's in his job description.
And he didn't.
And how do I know that?
Because I've been a lazy motherfucker like this dude.
That's why.
That's why I know, because I've been that dude.
I've been the dude that shows up to work and doesn't work.
And look, I was really good at that.
So anyway, man, finally he comes down.
And at this point, I'm thinking, man, I might as well just want to drive back.
You know, it's only like an hour and a half to where I'm going to back home to my place here.
So anyway, so whatever.
He's looking on the computer and stuff.
And at a certain point, I'm getting antsy.
You know, it's been a while and it's getting late.
I want to go get something to eat.
And I know restaurants are kind of closing.
A lot of things close now at like 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock.
So I'm giving him a little bit of pressure, you know, like, you know, can you run my card?
Or, you know, is there anything I can do to help?
Saying stuff like that, like a passive aggressive.
That's what they call it.
When you pretend like you are a teddy bear, but you really a bad bitch, kind of, you know.
So anyway, sorry, finally he goes, look, I'm sorry, sir, okay?
But I just need you to relax a little bit.
I used to be in a wheelchair.
I'm like, what, bro?
You used to be in a wheelchair?
You used to be?
That's what we're doing now?
People are just saying, you know.
Hey, man.
Look, I used to weigh 11 pounds, 9 ounces when I was born, okay?
Huh.
Calm down.
Cut me some slack here.
Like I said, I used to be in a wheelchair wind, bitch.
You broke your leg once?
You know, you did some fucking dirty karate somewhere, bruh?
I just don't understand.
It just, man.
Don't make me hit you with that rat jitsu, bruh.
Tighten this white dude up.
Sorry, man.
I'm sorry.
Getting out of line, but it just, man, I don't know, man.
This shit.
Like, it just, like, hey, hey, buddy.
Look, I had acne when I was 14. If you could give me a little bit of room here, okay?
Hey, hey, guy.
You know, I vomited in the middle of the school play when I was nine, okay?
If you could just step back and show some respect.
It's just like, what are we doing, man?
Hey, man, I used to be in a wheelchair.
Well, bitch, then get in a wheelchair now if you in it.
You know, I'm sorry, man, but that shit just got me heated up.
Like somebody just threw some damn warm briquettes in my ass, bro.
You know, that's where I'm at with this shit.
Just.
Hey, hey, man, look.
You know, I used to be four years old.
Okay.
I was only three and a half feet tall at one time.
If you could give me a little bit of room here.
It's just like now we're like using whatever our weakest moment was as our front.
And I don't mind us sharing our weakest moment, man.
I think there's a level of connection there.
There's an opportunity, you know, it's like we're trading vulnerability, you know, you know, we're trading baseball cards there, you know.
I'll give you a, you know, I feel uncomfortable outfielder and you give me a, look, man, sometimes I'm insecure shortstop.
And, you know, we recognize each other from those spaces.
But I don't know if saying like, look, man, you know, somebody burned my hair off once, okay?
Could you give me a little bit of, give me some, give me a moment should just lit me up a little.
But anyway, that's where I'm at, man.
But anyway, what I meant to say is we're alive for another week.
And this is the surprise that God gave us, man.
This is it.
Whatever it is, the good, the bad, the nasty, whatever, this is the surprise.
This is it.
This is, this is the, hey, guess what's in my hand?
And they show you, this is what's behind door number one through a jillion.
This is it, baby.
This is life.
And you know what?
I think we're doing okay with it.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you.
Come on, baby.
I'm just sitting on your front porch, wondering how could I be so far from the music.
Hey, hey, look, buddy.
Come upstairs!
Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little time For me to set that parking brake And
let myself unwind Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you
And now I've been moving way too fast On a runaway train with a heavy load of my hands And these worlds that I'm in And there you go.
Awkward fade-out begins.
Come upstairs.
Excuse me.
Look, I used to be in a wheelchair.
And he didn't even say when he was.
At least tell me when.
When?
When you were six?
Or last week.
It's like some people was baked at, you know, for 10 minutes at 100 degrees, bruh.
And they got all these ingredients, but they don't got no, they, nothing's holding them together.
You know, and they got these soft batch out there, bruh.
These soft batches.
And that ain't us, baby.
Now, I'm okay if we a little bit of a toll house morsel.
I'm okay if we have that element of Toll House morselility in us.
Where we a little soft.
But we gripping on the edges, baby gang.
Yeah, so that was wild, dude.
And then, oh, also, I went and looked at a cave.
Look, bro, I went.
I got to tell you this, man.
Oh, Santa's going to be here at the end of the episode.
We got damn Santa.
And we got a beautiful Santa, man.
This man has been a liaison to the North Pole and of, you know, just the vibe of giving.
And we got a natural beard Santa, not one of these fake ass, you know, clip-on bitches.
We got a real, real, real man right here.
We got freaking Chris Krangle, bruh.
PG, baby.
PTL, baby.
You know what it is.
Praise God.
Praise the Lord.
Oh, so I went to this cave, right?
So there's this thing, if you go to Kentucky and there is a cave there.
Because I've been trying to be more outgoing.
When I don't want to do something, I go do it.
The other day, I didn't want to go to jiu-jitsu.
Went over to Nashville, MMA, left out of there feeling like a champ.
This lady put me in a sugar lock once.
I still can't feel two of my toes, and I can't wink out of one of my eyes, but God's plan, bro.
What else am I talking about here?
What were we saying?
Man, my mind gets all rattly.
Oh, I went in a cave.
They got caves over there.
And a cave is just basically like a it's kind of like a mountain, but like made out of air.
And so I went over and went, I was trying to just do some touristing in this area.
So I go hit this cave.
I'm caving.
And, well, first of all, at one point, they take you.
It's a boat.
You go under this part of the ground or whatever it is, earth rock.
And you basically have to duck down inside of the boat.
So you go first, you walk into the cave, then you get in this boat, then you go down this little river, and they you get down, you have to go under the rock, and you literally have to lay in the boat.
Like if you put your head up at all, you will die.
Like there is a like, it's like 40 yards of just straight rock.
Like you can't even, I can't even believe they'll let us do it as just a customer.
You know, because once I'm a customer, bro, I kind of, you know, once I'm a customer, dog, once I give you $5 or $6 or $12 for an experience, I put my life in your hands.
I kind of check out.
I just assume, look, I gave them $9, bro.
I'm going to be safe, whatever I'm doing, you know?
And it's a pretty sad, it's a pretty unfortunate and not very, you know, it's kind of the opposite, I feel like, of being like a Navy SEAL or a Marine.
It's like being like a Navy skunk or something.
It's like I'm not really looking out for myself anymore.
It's like, oh, look, I trust you.
Look, I gave you $7 here.
You know, you taking me into the bat caves.
I'm going to trust you going to take care of me.
So I'm like on my phone and shit.
I'm not even paying.
And literally almost died.
So the boat goes under the rock.
We go through the cave.
It's nice.
It's fun.
It's, you know, it's, it's, it's, you're kind of pretending that it's more fun than it is.
The guy's like, hey, here's a hole right here that, uh, you know, this hole's from 1904.
And you're like, holy shit.
My grandfather could have seen this hole.
You know, just things like that.
And you, you know, I find myself asking questions like, oh, really?
And That's not a question, but you know what I'm saying?
Like, like saying things that I don't even really want to say, you know, like, oh, wow, huh, huh.
Never would have thought of that.
But anyway, just shit like that, you know, I'm upstairs.
But this episode's really gone off the rails, man.
Anyway, bruh, what I'm telling you is, oh, at the end of the thing, here's what happened.
At the end of the thing, the guy says, and I want to thank you guys for coming today.
And I want to also let you know that only like 30 years ago, this entire cave was filled with trash, right?
This whole tour, he'd been telling us how beautiful the cave was and the temperature and how there's only one fish that comes, this little fish named Anna or something, little Anna show up and she's the only one that come in the cave and they, you know, where's Anna tonight?
He's like shining a flashlight in the water and all of this cutesy stuff, you know?
And I'm just in the back like, you know, oh, really?
You know, just, you know, I'm being a customer.
I'm being a customer.
That's what you do.
I give you $7.
You walk me through the thing.
I say, no way.
And, you know, and I don't die.
And you get me back to where we started.
And we go our separate ways.
Maybe I buy a gift at the gift store.
Usually I do.
Oh, yeah.
At the very end, he's like, and also, I just want to thank everybody for buying a ticket today.
You know, the caves used to be only 20 years ago, these caves were filled entirely to the top with, and then he started just rattling off.
Just complete bullshit.
It's like washers and dryers, petroleum, trash.
He's like, people came from all around to throw their trash in these caves.
He's like, they even found half of a mobile home in here.
Now, where was the other half?
I don't know.
And I'm like, oh, really?
Anyway, bro, it was just crazy that basically what I toured was like a hollowed out landfill.
Like basically somebody tricked me into touring out a hollowed out landfill in Kentucky for about $13.
So anybody out there that says you can't start a small business, man, get you a shovel and get you some bullshit and get you a square reader for your phone.
And I bet you you're going to be good, man.
Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas to you.
I want to let you know that we are celebrating.
This is not an ad.
I mean, it is, but it's not.
But it's like on January 15th, 8 p.m.
I'm going to try and do some different sketches and unique stuff.
We're doing a live show.
Myself and this woman named Chelsea Lynn, and she was on the podcast, and she plays Trailer Trash Tammy.
And I'm excited about it.
You know, it's going to be live.
So you buy a ticket.
The tickets are $10.
That's a reasonable ticket.
I thought about a ticket.
I said, well, what's a ticket that's reasonable?
I said, well, look, you spend that, it'll do a raffle.
You know, I remember when I was young, my grandfather won a damn wheelbarrow.
And he was fired up, man.
He pushed me around in that bitch.
And then he got to drinking, really, and I never really saw him again after that.
But, uh...
But before that, man, but I'm just saying, look, $10 is a decent amount, but it's not a crazy amount.
And you're going to be able to sit on your couch and watch a live show.
We're putting on a show.
This is going to be Theo and Tammy's Belated Christmas Talent Extravaganza.
I'm producing this thing.
It's going to be lights out.
I hope so.
Hopefully the actual lights don't go out because the one thing we need to pull it off is electricity.
So you can buy a ticket now in advance.
And just remember to tune in that Friday evening.
There's nothing going on that evening.
I checked.
There's no big football.
Dustin Poirier and Conor McGregor is going to fight the week later.
So you're good.
You can tune in.
It's going to be fun.
We got some dope sketches.
We're going to have a live talent show.
We're going to be hosting the whole evening.
We've got some live musical performers.
It should be similar to that show, He-Haul.
There's an old show on YouTube if you get to check it out.
H-E-E-H-A-W.
And you know what?
I'm looking forward to it, man.
I really wanted to make it a special night.
So I hope that you'll be there with me and support.
There'll be a live chat where people can chat during it if they want to.
And you'll also be able to watch it for like, I think a few days afterwards online.
So I want to let you know right now that 2020 was rocky.
It was rocky like you nuts, Daddy.
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Do you have a hard time taking pills?
I do.
You know, I remember somebody gave me a pill once and honestly, it was my friend Billy Conforto, R.I.P.
And he's probably was one of the, I bet he's one of the 60 or 70 greatest homosexual prize fighters that never fought for money.
Honestly.
And I miss him every day, man.
And we actually, we got a, you know, we need to, we're going to build a bench over there in his honor near where he lived over there in La Place, Louisiana.
But he gave me a pill one time and I drove off the road not long after he gave it to me.
And honestly, I thought the dude might have tried to give me a BJ while I was passed out, but I don't think he did.
You know, and praise God, bro.
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That's all I really know at the moment.
Let me think.
We had a lot of great calls that came in.
We got Santa's coming.
Santa.
Santa's coming.
Dude, I remember growing up in Louisiana, they did an event every year.
And an event is like something where you don't, you know, it's like regular time, but it's more special than that.
And they used, somebody would fly in a plane through the air around town, and they would play Christmas music out the plane.
This was a small plane, a crop duster.
So they'd put on these jovial tunes and they would hit the air.
And so moms, they would bring us outside on the porch about maybe 6.40 and say, do you hear it?
Do you hear it?
And they would just be like, dashing through this.
You know, it would be this sound.
And it would just be, it would blow your mind.
And it lifted you up with that Christmas spirit.
And I thought that that was so special that a town did that, that they invested in that sort of thing.
And I think that that's important, that kind of stuff.
Because, you know, who knows if that moment right there might have, you know, kept the magic alive in me.
And made me believe in things because, you know, Santa is something you believe in, but it's something that's just your first kind of, it's kind of like your first romance in a weird way.
You know, you're hopeful and you're excited and there's possibility and there's a date.
There's December 25th.
And it's just, you know, it has all the elements of romance, but no sex.
Nobody getting sick.
And there's something that, you know, there's something special about that.
Because I think if you can make that time romantic enough to a child or, you know, romance but non-sexual to, you know, if you can make it entertaining enough to a child in that way, then it can, they'll carry that same ambiance and the same belief of possibility into the world in other aspects, man.
I want to thank you guys for supporting the podcast.
I want to thank you guys for being a part of my life this year.
And I know I say that a lot, but I think sometimes it's just hard for me to get across.
You know, I haven't been feeling good this year.
You know, I have not been feeling, and I say that a lot.
I think I might have a pinched nerve in my neck or in my back.
Finally got an MRI today.
But I've just, you know, this shit sounds freaking gay, bro, but it's been in pain a lot.
Or not gay, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
Painful.
But just kind of like, you know, I sound like that dude like, hey, man.
You know, I used to have baby teeth.
If you don't mind, look, if you don't mind, bro, I used to be in the third grade.
Okay.
We had some great calls that came in.
And I want to thank Kenny again last week from Portland who gave away a nice gift and promoted others to do the same thing.
Here's a call that came in.
Hello, Theo.
This is Bert from the Dirty South.
Dirty Bertie.
Let's hear it, baby.
I was just calling in to let you know I just finished your third place babies episode.
And man, that thing just blew my mind with all the calls about the donations for the PS5 and people were just reaching out to you, man.
It really, it touched my heart, really.
It made my heart blow up like, you know, like the grease, really.
Oh, hell yeah.
That's like God taking a big puff off that love joint and blowing that bitch right into your fucking third lung, baby.
That love lung, the heart.
Gang shit.
Homeward.
It just, it warmed my chest.
It's 7.09 in the a.m.
down here in Austin, Texas.
That's Joe Rogan country down there.
And that wild, that's Joe Rogan country down there.
Homeward.
I just wanted to call to let you know how that made me feel.
I guess I kind of makes me, you know, it like rejuvenates my spirit, like my Christmas spirit.
And I just wanted to call you and thank you for that.
And that's it, I guess.
Appreciate everything you do, man.
Gang, brother.
And that's not it, man.
That's a lot.
You know, you saying that is a lot.
And, you know, being a man that's brave enough to make that call and just say, hey, man, thank you.
This made me feel a certain way.
You know, that means a lot.
That's hard to do sometimes.
You know, as men, we get so, we don't get acclimated to letting our feelings also be a badge of courage or a sword or a shield, you know?
You know, I can tell you something made me feel a certain way, but also at the same time, be powerful with it.
You know, and I think in the future, we're really going to learn and really start to acclimate to what these other powers we have are, even in our own vulnerability.
Because I think there's a way to be powerful and be vulnerable, but not be weak.
But thank you, man.
That means a lot to me that at 7.09 a.m., man, that look, it all started, man, that guy Kinney called in wanting to be nice.
Dude, my friend Dan Lagana called in the other day.
He created a show called American Vandal on Netflix.
He's working on this new Tiger King series.
And he's just talented and just a man that's all heart, bro.
He must have 48 orders, bro.
And he called, and I didn't even know he listened to the podcast.
And he called, and he said, hey, man, I just want to say I listened to your episode.
And if there's anything I can do to give, if there's another mom out there I can give to, let me know.
And first of all, it just touched me so much that, because he said, hey, man, it really touched me.
And it just, man, that was, you know, that was cool, man.
First of all, here's a guy that I really admire who's like saying, man, I listened to your podcast.
I'm like, that's so cool, bro.
Thank you.
That's crazy.
And then that he cared, you know, just that it made him feel.
And it was just night.
It was just, and meant so many people called wanting to then give and do something.
And like, I don't know.
There was honestly just not, there was no way to facilitate it all.
There was just no way to facilitate it all in such a last-minute way.
But maybe next year we'll do like a platform or something to see, you know, what's possible.
But thank you to everybody that called.
I mean, so many people called in offering to be of help.
Pretty powerful, man.
Let's take another call.
It came in right here.
Hey, Dio, this is Melissa from Houston.
And I just got through listening to the latest podcast, Third Place Babies.
And wow, just, man, that really hit me.
What a great podcast.
And you have the best fans, the best audience is so generous.
And just thank you for that episode.
And it made me think of What I could give to you.
And, well, I can't, you know, literally, I guess, really give you anything, but I just thought if I could give to you, I would give you the ability to feel okay and to really, really feel how much you're loved because you are.
That's my wish for you for this Christmas holiday, and it'll be in my prayers for you.
And just thank you.
Thank you for that episode.
It really touched me.
And that's it.
Well, thank you, Melissa.
That's sweet of you.
Yeah, that's very sweet of you.
And just a lot of calls came in like that.
People that just felt just felt something.
Man, just felt something.
You know, so much, so many times in life, man, I just want to feel something, man.
I just want to feel something.
And life can get mundane.
It can get monotonous.
It can get where we focused on the Excel spreadsheet instead of the Excel lens that can happen between humans and from moments.
And, uh...
You know, thank you.
Yeah, you know, I wish I had a bottle of okay pills that I could take in the morning.
You know, I've never really felt okay, man.
Woman.
Sorry, Melissa.
I've never, I just, you know, it's funny in working with sponsors over the years and working in some 12-step stuff.
And a lot of times I'd find I would call my sponsor and I'd say, hey, is everything okay?
And they'd be like, yeah, man, what do you mean?
I was like, just tell me everything's okay, please.
Just tell me everything's okay.
And they'd be like, yeah, everything's fine, man.
Everything is fine.
And I think I just never, you know, I never heard that.
I never heard that growing up.
Nobody was around.
I said, hey, man, everything's okay.
Everything is okay.
So I always was just frenetic.
It was like I was always this loose wire that had come down in a storm and no one ever addressed it really.
And it's nobody's fault.
It's just, it's just, you know, that's how I was.
And I'm not sad about it or anything.
I'm just, you know, being okay was never something that I was.
So that's sweet of you.
You know, and maybe that'd be a nice New Year's resolution for me to just think about everything's okay.
And if you need to hear that, you know, my friend Bill Morris, man, he's a white guy, which is easily to be expected from the name Bill Morris.
But he texted me, this is probably a year ago, and it just said, hey, it just said everything is okay.
And I talked to him a few days later.
I was like, hey, man, why'd you send that?
What was going on?
He just said, hey, I just, I had a feeling maybe you were in a space where you didn't know if everything was okay.
And so I just wanted you to know it was.
And so I just, that's what I sent.
And I was like, man, it's so funny.
Because right when I read it, I was like, all right, bro.
All right.
Everything is going to be okay.
And so I'm telling you that, you know, if you years been choppy or if you, you know, you don't know if you're doing okay raising your kid or if you if you don't know if you're loved or if you don't know if man I don't know this shit got me feeling some type of way now yeah if you don't know if everything's gonna be okay I'm just I'm
sending you this audio text right now just saying hey bro you know everything everything's gonna be okay you're doing good you know you're okay as you are damn bro I'm gonna get I'm gonna hear about this at jiu-jitsu bro but but uh but no for real man you you know you're
doing good if you don't know if you're a good brother you don't know if you're a good boyfriend you don't know if you're a good husband you don't know if you're a good wife you don't know if you're a good human you don't know if you really have any relationship with God but you know he's looking for you any of that kind of like like I'm not here to give you any message I'm just letting you know that you know wherever you are it's you're okay you know and
that everything is going to be fine and I don't even why I'm saying that right now I just but I feel some type of way bro and I feel really compelled to say that so praise God man but thank you Melissa yeah I think my whole life I've just had to try to be something because
I never knew what I was and I you know and there and and I used to feel sad about that sometimes but now it's like look that's that's how you get different things that's how you get art that's how you get things perspectives but thank you for those warm wishes Melissa that's really sweet of you let's
hear what else we got here we got a couple of other honestly some of these are just nice messages that came in and so I'm gonna play some of them and then we got Santa's gonna be in here in about 10 minutes, bruh.
Freaking Santa!
Can you believe it?
Hi, Sierra.
My name's Renee.
I'm from Brisbane, Australia.
Hello, Renee.
And thank you for calling here from Brisbane.
And God, I love Australia, man.
Sorry, I was just imagining me just really fucking Australia, bro, because I just love it onward.
I was just calling to say in your last episode, you gave away that PS5 and it prompted you to give to some other single moms, like the gift card and the Xbox, maybe.
Yeah, we did.
We followed up with those moms and carried through with those things.
And I know you're not taking me to task.
I just wanted listeners to know.
And you know what?
I'm going to hit up a few more.
Some other people did submit people.
I'm going to hit up a few more tomorrow and just see what else we can do.
And I wish I'd have known how much outreach there was going to be in offers for help because I would have planned ahead and had somebody on staff to help more.
And maybe Nick can help out and we can get Sean to help out here.
Onward.
I'm sorry to interrupt you, Renee.
And I just wanted to let you know it's really inspired me to put in a bit more effort this Christmas, help a few more people out.
Like, I think we all sometimes get stuck in our own bubble and we just want to help ourselves.
But yeah, you've made me realize there's more out there and it's been great.
It's, yeah, seeing people smile makes me smile, you know?
I do know.
You know, I really can relate to that.
It's so funny.
So often, like, I just never, I've never been a big, you know, I've always been envious when I'm doing stand-up, which seems like doesn't even exist anymore, but I've always been envious of the crowd.
I've always been envious.
I just want, you know, I want to sit there and I want to, man, they're having fun.
They're laughing.
You know, I just always, I think what I wanted to be the most, I wanted to be that person in the crowd.
But I just have never been really good.
I've just never been good at having that much joy.
I'm always so concerned.
I'm always scared.
You know, my best friend growing up, this fellow Will Teague, man, and he's a, you know, if they ever, if they ever make a space shuttle that's taking people directly to heaven and they put two people in it, he should damn be one of them.
But, you know, I grew up always at his house and I got to see his mother years later and she said, you were always such a scared kid.
And I said, dang, man, was I?
But anyway, going back to what you said there, Renee, yeah, I've always admired the people in the crowd that were having a good time.
I always wanted to be them.
But the only way I could get to even close was to be the person saying stuff to get people to laugh.
You know, it was like the closest I could get was, man, maybe if I create enough of that, I'll become it.
And there's probably more in there.
But look, that all started with Kenny from Portland.
So you pin the tail on the wrong donkey.
Hey, Theo, this is Kenny calling from Portland.
I had an idea here.
I have a PlayStation 5 that I got from my work.
I'm not really a big gamer.
Right there.
But I can relate to you, Renee, when you say, you know, it's not like, you know, I feel so sad.
A couple of months ago, this company sent me a sweatshirt.
Same company that sent me this sweatshirt, feet, it's called, and they got nice sweatshirts.
And they're pricey, though.
It's a pricey piece, man.
I mean, it's cheaper to probably buy a damn lamb and hang it off your arms, you know?
Or carry it around your damn neck or, you know, get a fucking fake sheep and carry that bitch on you.
But they sent me some sweatshirts.
And one of them I knew it wasn't my style.
And I knew I didn't want to wear it.
And I thought maybe I'll, you know, you know who would really look good in this?
I thought, was there's a woman who cleans my apartment.
She comes once a week.
And that's okay.
And she's awesome.
And she's honestly so awesome.
And I look forward to her coming.
She speaks Spanish.
I get to practice Spanish with her.
And she brings her kids sometimes and they're beautiful kids and they're funny.
And it's like this little connection I have to like, they're from Central America.
It's like this little connection I have like to my father sometimes.
And I knew, immediately I knew, man, I should just give that to her.
I'm never going to wear it.
I should just give it.
And I didn't.
You know?
And that's fine.
It's okay.
I'm not crying about it.
It's whatever.
But it's like, I just, I want to get to the place in my life where I trust every little instinct that says, give this, give this, do this, give this.
I want to be able to be that.
Whatever that is.
You know, whatever that is, I just, that's what I want to be, man.
But thank you, man.
Look, all of us have been affected by Kenny's generosity.
And that's pretty dope.
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All right, we got a call.
What's up, Theo?
This is Shane from California.
Sugar Shane, baby.
And I know a couple Shane's was gay men that I knew.
And I'll be honest with you, brother.
And I'm not saying anything, and it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter who you love, Shane.
But a lot of times a gay man will have the name Shane, and they call him Sugar Shane.
Onward?
I was just calling to talk to you about something my son wanted to talk to me about last night.
He comes in from the cul-de-sac playing with all the kids, and he says, Dad, I need to talk to you.
Can you come back to my room?
And I said, yeah, because he's got younger brothers.
And he said, Dad, is Santa Claus real?
Now, he's a fifth grader, so maybe he should already know, maybe not.
I don't remember when I found out, but he heard through the word of the cul-de-sac that Santa Claus wasn't real.
So he told me he wanted me to be real with him, and I was real with him.
Damn, is he a little brother, dog?
He wants you to be real with him?
Praise God, baby, onward.
Laid it down.
And I could see a little bit of the little boy kind of seep out of him a little bit.
You know, with that Santa magic disappearing.
Damn, you hit him with the damn truth, huh?
It was kind of a it was a real, it was a real conversation.
And anyways, with Christmas coming, I thought there might be a lot of conversations like the one I had with other people's kids.
Anyways, I hope you have a good Christmas out there in Nashville, Tennessee.
Thanks, brother.
Amen, man.
I appreciate it.
And thanks for the call.
And, you know, I remember somebody told us Santa died when I was young.
And God, God, it was hell, man.
And I remember our neighbors even at one point tried to do a thing where they buried a fake Santa like they did a damn fake funeral and had a little bit of like a Santa, a little, you know, like a fat sleeve hanging out that bitch or whatever.
You know, half a gif, you know, quarter of a, you know, Teddy Roxban.
You know, or, you know, one, you know, they have, you know, some damn Voltron or something hanging out that bitch and they say Santa's dead, you know, or something.
So, yeah, there was a lot of staged things going on, people trying to save money, parents.
You know, somebody, a parent would spend all the money on dope, and then they'd do a fake fire and throw a half a Santa suit in it.
Say, oh, damn, Santa fucking, you know, cooked himself off doing, you know, doing dope or whatever.
But what are we talking about, man?
Oh, yeah, it's hard to tell them.
I think it's hard to tell the kids.
I don't have any kids, you know, and I need to have a damn kid soon.
But what I am telling you is this, man, that I think a way to tell them is say, look, Santa's alive as long as you want him to be alive.
And the second you quit believing in him, he doesn't exist anymore.
Because then I feel like you're maybe setting them up for a good metaphor in their growing lives.
That whatever you put your faith in, whatever you really practice and you put your energy into, it could be meditation, it could be loving your spouse, it could be aiming to be a better parent, it could be learning art.
It could be stand-up comedy.
It could be anything.
If you keep believing in it, then it has a life.
If you keep practicing it, then it has an existence.
Things aren't just alive out there.
We have to make them happen.
Whether they be dreams, whether they be visions, whether they be businesses, whether they be love, whether they be self-worth, whether they be anything.
You know, whatever you focus on grows, baby.
And I'm not preaching at you.
I'm not.
I mean, some of this stuff, I'm just, you know, it's the stuff we kind of always talk about in here.
And I don't even know why we do sometimes, but that's okay.
And this is our world.
But look, I applaud you for being there in that moment and staying in the moment.
Some dads would throw a beer at the kid, you know, or go piss and never come back.
Say, I'm going to tell you when I go, I'm going to go piss.
I'm going to tell you when I get back.
You know.
But you being honest.
You being an honest dad.
But yeah, the second that you, whatever it is in the world, if you keep the magic alive, the magic stays alive.
So we can take that out into the world, man.
Look, there's some other great calls that came in, and I want to get to some of them.
But Santa Claus is coming to town.
And, you know, I'm excited, man.
I'm excited they did that in my small town.
Somebody went out of their way to do something special to make me feel as a kid for probably extra years at Santa was real.
And who knows what hearing that sleigh go by in the sky made me do or made me feel or made me believe.
Who knows?
Who knows the residual effect of taking a little bit of time out and making somebody feel good or doing something extra?
Who knows, baby?
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better watch out.
I'm telling you now.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you're sleepy.
He knows when you're out late.
He knows if you've been bad or good, so you better give him a break.
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All right, let's get to the guests now.
Today's guest needs no introduction.
And you know, I don't even know how we get introduced to this man in our Lives, but we're so very grateful that he exists and he's here today with us.
This is the man himself, the stepson of Father Time, Mr. K. Kringle, they call him up in the hood, baby, Chris Kringle, Santa Claus.
Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I'll be singing just for you Yeah, because I'm just like, do you even get self-service like if you're in the sky?
I do.
My sleigh and reindeer are all fully equipped with all the latest technology.
Really?
You guys got the technology package?
Oh, absolutely.
We were retrofitted about four years ago.
Wow, that's wild.
Has there been like this year, has it been a lot scarier for kids to request gifts?
Has there been like a lot less interaction?
Like, what's that been like for you, like interacting with the kids?
Well, for me, where I'm at four days a week, it's same business as usual.
However, there are some parents that want their children to still socially distanced, so we put them on the bench seat that I normally would sit on.
And then behind it, we have a little fireplace and a Christmas tree.
And I hide behind the Christmas tree, and then I peek out, and I do a shh or a surprise face look type of thing.
I love that.
So that works out fine.
And some of them, they'll do the first picture while they're sitting on my lap with their mask on, and then they'll take the mask off after that.
That way they want to, I guess, chronologically capture the 2020 moment.
Are some kids more special than others, Santa, do you think?
Well, they're special needs children.
Yeah.
And they come and see me all the time, too.
And they're very children.
Pardon me?
You mean like year-round?
Year-round.
See, because I am Santa and I am naturally fat and I have white hair and a white beard.
Children come up to me all the time during the year.
If I'm out grocery shopping or we're out at a restaurant or someplace, sometimes even when I'm at a gas station filling up the vehicles.
Oh, yeah.
If I've been sniffing gas, I'll accuse somebody of being Santa, that's for sure.
So I always have little coins or trinkets or things of that sort.
I'll spend a moment or two talking with them and then I'll give them something.
How did the spirit of Christmas kind of start like in your heart and stuff like that?
Yeah, I've always loved children, okay?
And that's the main reason that I do this is to so the children will have the best experience with Santa's possible each year.
One of the early Macy's New York City Santa's, his name was Charles W. Howard, and he's famous for having quoted or creating the quote, he heirs who thinks Santa enters through the chimney.
Santa enters through the heart.
And that's very, very true.
Yeah, I guess there's an element of just keeping that alive in children, huh?
Keeping that ability for anything to be possible.
Sure, everything's possible.
Yeah.
Do you feel like a responsibility whenever you see the kids?
Like, do you feel some like, is it hard to gear up and just show up every day and be Santa?
The season does get long.
And Mrs. Claus is always ready for it at the end because she does a lot to help me get ready every day.
Oh, does she really?
Oh, yeah.
She curls my hair and my beard with little mini hot rollers.
Oh, damn.
And from the time I get into the shower to the time I walk out the front door, it's about a two-hour process, 45 minutes of which I'm sitting there with these curlers everywhere.
And where'd you meet your Mrs. Claus at?
I met Mrs. Claus in Virginia Beach.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
And it's been 33 years since then.
We've been married.
And will Mrs. Claus kind of, does she have like a favorite meal that she prepares for you, kind of?
Yes.
Cookies.
All the time, cookies.
Really?
So that's not just a myth, right?
No, that's not a myth.
I love every kind of cookie there is.
So when a children ask me, what's my favorite cookie, I say, I love all the cookies.
I've never met a cookie I didn't like.
Now, was there ever a time where there was, I heard like rumors and stuff that there was a time where some of the reindeer wasn't, you know, there was like some of them was kind of struggling doing, you know, not drugs, but like just struggling with stuff that they were going through.
Was there ever a time where they were going to replace some of the reindeer?
Well, we always have reindeer in training, okay?
For example, this year I've got two reindeer that are hoping to make Santa's reindeer team next year, and their names are Holly and Jolly.
Oh, really?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
And they're working hard.
A couple max preps out there.
I like that.
So they're kind of on the junior varsity right now.
They're on the junior varsity.
That's right.
And so what kind of training and stuff do they have to do for reindeer?
Because I imagine like at some point part of the element is you grant them the ability to fly.
Well, that's through woofle dust.
You don't know what woofle dust is?
Uh-huh.
Well, let me tell you, I think it's probably the reason I've lived as long as I live.
A lot of people think that I go to deliver all the toys in 24 hours.
They think that I go around the world this way, east to west, east to west, east to west, but I don't.
I go north to south, north to south.
And every time I get back to the north, I land at the north pole.
People don't realize that there's so many good children in the world now, and it takes so many toys to take care of them.
I can't have a sleigh large enough to haul all those.
So you got to make all those trips.
So we make all those trips.
In the world, there's 24 time zones, and we do one time zone every hour.
That's How we can do the whole world in 24 hours.
And when we land at the North Pole, here's what happens: three things: the elves come out and put all kinds of more toys in the sleigh.
Mrs. Claus meets me at the sleigh and gives me some coffee or a hot chocolate or cider or something like that.
She'll prep you up, she'll kind of keep your morale up.
And this special elf that we have who has the formula to make woollust, she comes out, and one of the things that she does before we take off again is she hovers and she sprinkles woole dust all over the reindeer and all over the sleigh.
And then right there beside me on the sleigh is a giant bag of woole dust.
Oh, damn, bro.
Okay, because I'll tell you what, I travel to some of the places in the world and the weather is just terrible.
I mean, it's really, really bad.
Yeah.
And you don't want Santa and the sleigh sliding off these icy roofs.
So what we do is we circle the house, sprinkle a little woole dust on it, and that way the reindeer have sure footing whenever they land.
I like that.
Yeah, it's great.
Here's a question that came in for you right here, Santa.
Here's a question from one of our listeners.
What's up, Theo?
What's up, Maul Santa?
Just taking a dump right now.
I want to ask, Maul Santa, sir, what is the rowdiest kid you ever had on?
What did they ask for?
What do they do?
And in general, how do you deal with a situation like that?
Especially with parents there.
What are you doing?
So, gang gang, take dumps.
Jesus.
Well, the rowdy children, I talk with them a little bit about not being as rough and tumble as they are, that that's just a big show that they're trying to put on.
Okay.
And as far as the children that ask for everything, because I have some children, they bring the whole Toys R Us book or whatever.
They're getting their toys out of.
And they're being greedy.
Oh, yeah, they're being greedy.
And so what I tell them, I said, now, if the last little boy or girl that had come to see me who asked for everything, if I said, okay, I'll bring you everything, then you wouldn't get anything because it'd all be gone.
So we all have to share in this world.
And what do kids want over the years?
What have you noticed that children really want them?
Is there a couple of common gifts that really stand out?
Well, over the breadth of time, I know each year there's kind of a novel gift.
Believe it or not, every year I get a bunch of requests for pogo sticks.
Are you serious?
Oh, yeah.
I do.
Wow.
And sometimes I don't get so much any more hula hoops.
Yeah.
But I get, even this year, I probably had 20 or 30 children come and ask me for pogo sticks.
Go ahead, sir.
And of course, there's a lot of children that want the Nerf guns, okay, and that's fine.
And if somebody wants a regular gun, do you help them with that?
Or is that?
I can tell them I cannot legally bring them a real gun because they're not old enough.
I see.
I see.
What's the oldest person that's ever sat on your lap, probably?
102 years old?
No way.
Oh, yeah.
I've had them all the way from three days old to 102 years old.
102.
How long was that line to see, I wonder, huh?
Well, you know, in the malls, there's a lot of long lines.
Okay.
So I try to move them along fairly quickly.
And what did the 102-year-old want for Christmas?
Do you remember?
She just wants to be able to see 103.
So she just wants a little bit of time, huh?
She wants a little bit of time.
What's some of the cuter answers that little children have given you over the years, you think?
Well, I've had some come and pull on my beard and then realize it's real and run off.
Sometimes they may have a set of expletive or two on the way out.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I had one little girl who she was probably maybe six years old.
And I asked her what she wanted for Christmas, and she said coal.
And I looked at her.
I said, you want coal?
And I looked at her mother, who was standing there beside her.
I said to her, why do you want coal?
And she says, diamonds.
She made the connection that if you crush coal, you'll get diamonds out of it.
She's that long-term thinker.
And her mama clapped her hand and said, that's what I'm talking about, girl.
So she thinks he drop her off a bag of brickettes, huh?
Yeah.
Dang, man.
Some of these women starting to think long-term, you know?
Yeah, they are.
That's one way to do it.
Do you remember me when I was a kid or no?
Oh, I do.
You were quite a handful then.
Was I?
Yeah.
I thought about it.
But you had fun.
You turned out pretty good.
Thank you.
I would imagine in the North Pole, there can be a lot of like things get to seclusion.
And even, you know, in cold temperatures, people suffer from depression sometimes in isolation, you know, and eventually even sometimes alcoholism, drug use.
Do you guys see any of that up there?
We don't have any alcoholism and drug use, but what we do is we have one of them blue light things that's supposed to help raise your mood all the time.
So we have that.
Oh, dang.
Bring me one of those.
I'll tie it around my dang neck.
That's what I need.
Now, do some kids, some kids freak out when they see you, Santa.
Some kids can't handle it.
A lot of times you'll see, you know, mothers will put a picture of their child crying on Santa's lap.
What's going on there?
What is it?
Well, some of them cry a lot.
Some of them will cry a little bit.
And some of them will just have a total meltdown.
How do you handle that, though?
Like, what do you do at that moment?
Well, here's what I do.
If they put them on my lap, when they start to cry, I'll hold them as close as I can so they won't hurt themselves trying to get off and that type of thing.
And then at the very end, before I let the child down, I'll also cry too because that makes a good picture for the parents.
And then I'll put the child down and sometimes the photographer will take a picture of the child leaving with fear on their face sometimes.
Now, there's a lot, there's like, there's over the years, you see a lot of Santa's that get, you know, they show them Like on bad Santa, drinking alcohol and stuff like that.
Do you ever, have you got, have you ever had to use uppers or downers or side splitters or whatever to really get through the work week?
No, not at all.
Amen, brother.
Amen.
And is it ever, do you see it in the industry, though?
No, I haven't seen it.
Not in the real bearded Santas that I see.
Is there a lot of kind of not beef on the streets, but is there like a lot of like discrepancy between fake bearded and real bearded Santas?
To me, there is.
Well, there's something not real.
There's a difference in the professionality of them.
Now, there are people, men, who have what's called designer beards.
These are made out of either real human hair or sometimes yak hair.
And once they're put on properly, you can't tell that it's not a real beard.
Really?
Okay.
And there are some people that, and it's called designer beards.
Okay.
Now, those Santas are just as professional as the rest of us that have real beards.
It is the Santas that have the fake bellies and the fake beards and the fake wigs that are of poor quality that tend to be the ones that you have problems with.
Yeah, I think people that aren't in it for the real, that aren't in it, that aren't fully in it.
If you don't have it in the heart, the children will see right through you.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah, if somebody's getting all yaked out on that yak, I think that would be, that's interesting.
How nice is yak hair?
Is it pretty nice?
Oh, yeah, and it's expensive, too.
It's like $2,000 to $4,000 for a good beard and wig set.
Dang.
Yeah, they're expensive.
That's pricey, man.
I don't even know where you would get a yak.
I don't even know if they still make yaks anymore.
Oh, yeah, they are.
And there are people who service the Santa industry with suits, all kinds of other stuff that Santa's need, as well as beards and wigs if they need those.
Where are some of the places you've been stationed at over the years, Santa?
Like, I know in Santa's line of work, there's a lot of places you get called on to serve, basically.
It's almost like the military in a weird way.
It's almost like the military of the heart, you know, especially on the holiday times.
Where are some places you got called on to serve at?
Well, I've been in Orlando, Florida.
I've been in Wichita Falls, Texas.
I've been in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
I've been in Novi, Michigan, which is north and east of Detroit a little bit.
I've been in Modesto, California.
Wow.
It's a lot of fun.
I've actually been in Nashville.
Yeah.
In Cool Springs Galleria Mall in 07 and 08. How was that?
Was that fun?
It was a lot of fun.
I bet that was a big time, too.
That was before too much technology when people were still really, I think there was a little bit more Christmas spirit out there sometimes.
One of the people that came to see me and I did not realize who she was at the time.
And one of the L's working on the set said, do you know who that was?
And I said, no.
That was Hannah Montana.
No way.
Bible Cyrus.
Wow.
And I did not realize that at the time.
What she asked for, do you remember?
No, I don't.
I'm sorry.
Well, whatever it was, it seemed like she got it because she's been having to...
She's had everything.
Here's a question right here from a young lady.
Hey, Theo.
Hey, Mall Santa.
Hello.
My question is, what's the nastiest thing that has ever happened to you as a mall Santa?
Baby barf, you know, dog poop?
What is it?
What's the nastiest thing that's ever happened?
Yeah, do you ever, is there ever accidents with like children?
I'm sure, huh?
I've been fortunate over the years, I've not had too many accidents happen while they're in my lap.
But from time to time, a child will, especially the really small ones, not the two or three-year-old who is scared.
They never vomit or anything, at least that's not been my experience.
Sometimes the little bitty ones that I hold up a little bit.
I've had a few children pee on me.
Oh, wow.
Especially if they get excited.
Now, that's sometimes.
Like, where out on your chest or where?
No, right here on my lap.
And what will happen is they'll get excited and then it just cuts loose.
Hilarious.
I guess the other, if you want to call it a nasty thing, from time to time, especially when you're towards the end of the season and the lines are long and people have had to wait in line a long time and their children will end up wetting themselves.
What upsets me is when the parent knows it, but doesn't tell me.
They just plop the child down because I have what I call pea pads that I could put on my lap to keep my suit from getting wet as well as to keep other children who sit there afterwards from getting wet.
Safe, yeah.
If they would just say something.
Wow.
Yeah, I was wondering what you would do.
So I guess you'd put a pad out or put some flour out or something.
No, what I do, I have little red pea pads so it matches my suit.
You guys think of everything, Santa.
You have to.
All right, what's up, Maul Santa and Theo, gang, gang?
What's up?
Here's a question from all Santa.
What's the worst gift that a child's ever asked for when you thought to yourself, there's no way I'm getting you that?
All right, thanks for taking the time to.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas, man.
That's interesting.
Yeah.
What is it?
What's one of the gifts you're like?
That's impossible or that's not even...
I never promise that I'll bring them X gift.
I'll tell them I'll see what I can do.
And I always am looking to make sure that what they're asking for is age appropriate.
Yeah.
Because sometimes they're wanting the same thing that an older sibling has, but they're not ready for that gift yet.
Do kids ever ask for, or like teenagers ever ask for anything that's like perverse kind of?
And you're kind of like, you can't have that.
No, teenagers actually are mostly pretty good when they come to see santa the reason they're there is mom wants that picture with santa every year i've had some people that have been coming to see me 40 and 50 years wow they really coming every year to get that picture so they can give it to their mom one year i was at uh when i was at cool springs there was a ups guy who delivered to
the mall on the very last day of the season he and his son who also works for ups would come and get that picture so they could give it to his mom and his son's grandmom oh that's cool yeah so there's a lot of people a lot of it is a lot of tradition people come through to have a part of the same tradition and stuff like that um have there ever been a proposal in front of you i've probably had a half a dozen of them over the years yeah and now how does that usually go down when it happens do
they let you know in advance is it kind of uh does the is it a man always proposing uh all the ones i've had have been men proposing to women uh we've done it a bunch of different ways uh when i was in uh novi michigan i was in kind of the center part of the mall and up above on the second floor was a case jeweler and this young lady was sitting on my lap
and her soon-to-be husband was up at case jeweler and he came out to the to the uh edge there and looked down and hollered to us will you marry me and then he came on down the stairs in a hurry and came to the set and gave her the ring oh that's cool another thing i've had was uh uh they would come to the set ahead of time and they would give me the ring and i would have it in my pocket
and then they would be sitting on my lap and and uh i would always ask the woman what she wanted for christmas and then i would ask the guy what he wanted for christmas and a lot of times the guy would say this woman here is the love of my life and i'd really like to marry her but think things are really hard right now and so i can't get her a ring so then i'll reach in my vest pocket and i'll say well just a second i think i may have something that'll help you out and of course give it to him and
he opens it up and she's all agas you know uh wow that's the magic right there huh and i'll tell you another thing that's happened is uh birth announcements okay i've had several people bring with them uh to see me and they will bring the sonogram of the ultrasound that they had taken and get you to autograph it or something no i would hold it up they would be sitting here and i would hold it up and we'd be smiling and i would kind of point at it yeah yeah and
people think you're the dad no no no no they don't i don't think they think that but anyway i would look i'm dude if santa was my dad you know exactly people be like what does your dad do like oh he works at the bank i'd be like uh my dad santa my dad santa wow that's pretty magical so there's really an element too of your job where it's just people where you there's moments where you're really involved in the magic of life yes that's awesome man it's a lot of fun i bet that's really awesome has there been
anybody that's come to see you that's kind of been on their way out of the world you know that's leaving life and they wanted to come see santa one more time yes uh it's not so much older people but it is parents who bring their child who has a terminal illness and always have a special bell that i give to children like that and
about eight years ago i had given one to this little girl she had spina bifida and some other problems going on and about uh this was early in the season and probably about a week or ten days later uh the mom comes back and she's just bawling in tears and then i realized who she was and she came back to tell me that
her child had died and she buried her child with that bell that i had given him yeah it's interesting uh i think people you you know they look to santa i think as like a symbol of like hope and oh yeah love you know a symbol of magic you know a symbol of what else uh could be out there that we don't know from time to time usually five or six times a year i will have a child come to me
and tell me santa i don't want you to bring me anything this year i want my friend or my cousin or my mom or my dad to get a special christmas is that pretty remarkable when you see that when a kid asks yeah and here's what i do first of all if you think about children most children are takers they take stuff they want stuff given to them oh yeah there are very very few children that are what i call giver children they
want to give to other people they don't want something for themselves so when i when that child when i see that child and we're done with the visit i bring the parents in or the parent if there's only one that came with them and i'll say do you know what your child your little girl your little boy asked me for and they'll say no and i said i'll then tell them the story of what the child asked me for and about half the time the parents will
know that they have a that that child's a giver child wow about the other half of the time the parents had no idea but they're thrilled that their child is that way and i said and i said and that's when i make the the gift of the bell to the child i have the parent and the child there and i'm explaining to them what's what's transpired.
And I'll tell the child that every time you ring that bell, I'll be thinking about you.
Oh, I love that.
You know, there's something special about just being that, it's almost like you're like a middleman for some of the joy that's out in the world.
Right.
It must feel pretty interesting sometimes.
It is.
It's a lot of responsibility, but it's gratefully accepted responsibility.
Amen.
Yeah, I bet just to have, to be able to be like at work and have a few moments like that.
Some people don't have moments like that in their job their entire lives, you know.
So to be able to have that and then also not only just like take it and be like, this is what I'm doing, but take it and just act the part of being kind of just part of the current of whatever that good energy is.
And I've had children as well as adults that ask me to pray with them, and I will pray with them right there on the set before they leave.
Amen.
Are there a lot of good kids out there, you think?
Oh, yeah, there are a lot of great children out there.
I like your attitude.
Anything else we got for Santa, Sean?
I think that's all.
Man, Santa, we know you're so busy, you know, and we just thank you so much for stopping by.
Is there any other messages you have for the kids out there?
I just want you all to be happy with everything I bring you and love what they all have made you.
Take really good care of it because it takes them a long time to make that stuff.
Merry Christmas.
Let's finish out this episode and I want to wish everybody a Merry Christmas.
And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
And thank you for helping me be a part of this and being a part of my life.
And I mean that and I love you.
And be good to yourself.
Because you deserve it.
And I'm going to try to do the same thing.
And may we all just be headed towards a wonderful new year.
Amen.
All right, let's go out on this lovely special by Dusty Dex.
That ain't doing it for me.
So let's go out on this special by Timothy in finite joy to the world.
Okay, none of that.
Let's go out by O Come All Ye Faithful by Gregory David.
And there you go.
That's Trappy right there.
Come on, let my door.
Come on, you faithful.
Joyful and triumphant.
Come, you come.
You bet, you bet, you bet.
And you can hear somebody getting roofied in the background.
I'm the old man.
I'm the king of angels.
Come let us adore him.
Come let us adore him.
Come all he faithful.
Joyful and transformed.
I hope your new year is a remix.
I really do.
You guys be good, man.
Gang.
Come and be open.
Born the king of angels.
Bye.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
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