Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Fortune Feimster New Netflix special “Sweet & Salty” comes out January 21st https://instagram.com/fortunefeimster ----------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------- Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn ----------------------------------------------------------- Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Ashley M Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brandon Woolsey Brian meek Christopher Becking Cody Anderson Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dan Draper Dan Perdue David Christopher Dentist the menace Devin James Cornwell Dionne Enoch Doug C Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Piemonte John Kutch Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Justin L Kaylyn Dudich Kenton call Kirk Cahill Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields LJ Logan Yakemchuk Madeline Matthews Marisa Bruno Matt Nichols Meaghan Lewis Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mona McCune Nick Roma Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 OK Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Sean Scott Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Victor I tuck back and sit down to pee Johnson II Vince Gonsalves Vincent Gil Vlog Master William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Today's guest has a new special coming up on Netflix.
She is multifaceted, and she's a wonderful storyteller.
She's very entertaining, and I'm happy that she's here with me today.
the wonderful Fortune Feimster.
Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Amanda Bond got a face tattoo.
Can we bring that up next?
Fortune, thanks for coming in.
Hey, Theo, thanks for having me.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
That's cool.
Nice to see you.
Yeah, it's really sweet of you to come by.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, can you bring it up next?
Sorry.
I just want to see this.
I just saw this on the news.
Oh.
Amanda Bond's got that face hitter right there.
Hey, it's not even a good heart.
Is that a heart?
It's like a drunken tried to make a heart, but it's like kind of a lopsided O. It's like a tattoo a buddy of yours would give you like in Syracuse or something at a party.
You know, or in like, there's like a Flint, Michigan basic white person kind of tattoo, I think.
She doesn't look anything like she used to look.
Uh-uh.
She.
It's so common now with face tattoos.
It's almost like, you know, I have this idea sometimes that in the future, the layer of like this layer of skin will be, we'll wear like an actual protective layer of skin in the future.
Because the sun will just be murdering all of us.
Oh, that's a good reason.
I don't know.
I think my thoughts were just that it'll become like an old idea.
Like, oh my God, you wore your natural skin.
What an idiot.
You know?
Like, we'll eventually have like a newer layer because it also seemed like people are on the last, like, people are just like face tatting and just totally like the old layer, it's like getting all peer.
It's like people are just at the end of the road with the old layer.
Yeah, the dry skin.
Yeah.
We're going to be one of the last people to like have worn our natural skin.
We're like snakes, just like.
Yeah.
Let it all shed it all.
Like, all right, now for the new one.
Yeah.
And I think they'll just blow it on almost like with a like a pressure wash it on or like a maybe a tanning bed if you ever go to like one of the stand-up ones.
I haven't been in the stand-up ones.
I've never, I've been in a tanning bed once.
Yeah.
And it's not great.
Well, I went in my hometown.
No, I bought like a...
So yeah, no tanning bed shame here.
Yeah, no tanning bed shame.
But this is obviously not a body that tans easily.
Really?
This is a body that burns.
Oh, yeah.
And this body has not seen the light of day ever.
As much as, you know, I'd love to rock a two-piece.
It's not happening.
Oh, yeah, I'd see in the two-piece stuff.
So in college, I bought like a package of four sessions for a tanning bed or whatever.
I went to one and I was like, all right, this is not bad.
And the second time I went, I got undressed, which, you know, is a feat.
Just getting undressed takes a lot of time.
You wear a belt or no?
Yeah, I wear a belt.
And I got into the tanning bed and they hadn't turned it on.
And I was like, ugh.
And I'm all like, hello, hello.
No one's like, listen, because it's like part of it's a tanning bed, other part's a salon.
It's always something else.
Tanning bed.
Yeah, I used to work at a place called Frozen Options and we had awesome.
And then a fucking bootleg tanning that people got pink eye from the bed.
No, really?
But anyway.
Yeah.
So like no one's turning it on and I'm just like sitting there and it's getting cold and I'm just like, damn, I got, so I got to put my clothes back on.
That's another good 10 minutes.
Yeah, it's misery.
And I'm like peeping my head back and I'm like, hello?
Like no one's doing anything.
So I just, I had seen her turn it on before.
So I just made, I just turned it on and put, you know, the 10 minutes or whatever.
I mean, that's probably a lot of stuff.
10 minutes.
I think it's 10 minutes regular amount.
Good amount.
So I turn it on and I get in the tan bed.
I do my thing.
I get out and they're all like looking at me like they had like looked in the, I don't know, a video or something.
Like I had tried to get more time.
Oh, like you try to sneak a minute?
I think I tried to sneak a minute.
I'm all like, no, I did the appropriate amount of time I paid for it, but I could never go back after that because they were giving me such a stink out.
Like I had stolen candy or something.
Damn.
Oh, this bitch in here stealing fucking hot minutes.
Stealing hot minutes.
I was like, my body can't even take extra hot minutes.
I'm telling you, I just, y'all weren't doing your job.
Why are you looking at me like that?
So that was my, I got, uh, I got a tan in bed shamed.
Did you feel the, did you feel the tan after?
Was it real?
Did you get too much?
Yeah.
I mean, I was, I mean, I got as tan as my body pigmentation will allow.
Your body only goes so tan?
Yeah, and then it just turns to freckles.
Yeah.
So for me, it's like.
Straight to cancer.
It goes straight cancer.
And if we ever go out to like a beach or something, I'm that asshole with like a towel all over my body where you can just see like this much of my face because I just, I'm like, no one expects me to be tan.
What am I doing?
Yeah.
We're going straight to cancer.
You're begging kids to bury you in the sand.
You're like, yeah, yeah, bury me again.
I'm putting everybody's umbrellas over me.
I'm like, you don't need that, do you?
All right.
I got three umbrellas covering me.
It's not sexy.
Yeah, I think I used to love Tanny.
My mom used to open the windows in our apartment.
She would move the dinner table over and open the windows and put a lawn chair right there.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
And she'd have a little bit of beer and catch some sun right there.
Let me say that tattoo one more time, Nick.
Do you mind, brother?
I guess she got it, huh?
Is it permanent?
I mean, it looks like some of my nephew.
Is it a heart?
Yeah, it looked like a large sock.
I think it's a heart.
You remember when she remember she was a childhood star, and then she really, I guess she's, I don't know if she struggled from addiction or she had mental health issues, but she went might have been a combo.
I don't remember.
But I mean, she was known when she was growing up as being very girl next door.
You know, she was in all those movies where she played the cutesy, like, you know, nice girl.
And then she went deep.
She was like tweeting about wanting Drake to murder her pussy.
I think that was her words.
First of all, we've got enough black crime in America, okay?
I don't think that we need Drake.
And I don't think Drake is the guy who's going to murder the pussy.
No.
Drake seemed like the guy that'll maybe like sneak up on the pussy and tickle it.
He just, you know, get a little romantic with it.
But I think that was the cry for help where everyone's like, oh, no, she's in trouble.
Yeah, things aren't going well.
Thank you.
Oh, and then she threw a bong out of a window, too, I think.
I remember.
Oh, really?
Oh, there's the Drake.
Right, didn't he?
Wasn't that the correct terminal?
Oh, it murder my vagina.
Sorry, I made it crasser.
It's all right.
She's still a lady.
She was a lady about it.
She said, murder my vagina.
Yeah.
That's pretty gangster, actually.
But I think I had read a story about her like a year ago where she had gotten, she'd gone to get some help.
I don't know, the mental stuff for any sort of addiction.
I'm not sure what it was.
And she was taking classes at the Fashion Institute in downtown.
So she was trying to get it, you know.
Just do something new.
Yeah, pull it together.
And maybe she felt like she didn't want to be a celebrity.
Oh, yeah.
She graduated college from Fit'em.
Yeah.
Just in June.
Fit him.
I went to Fit'em.
Fit him.
You know what's interesting?
There was a story when I was working on a dog show one time or a pet show or something.
This years ago.
Like you were on the show?
Yeah, I was hosting.
It was about pets or something, something about animalia, you know?
Yeah.
And so we went to a dog place where they had, where rich people had their dogs go for the day if they were going to be out of town.
Yeah.
And it's nice in there.
They got astro turf and they got fucking magical.
You know, they got food from like exotic, you know, like the dogs were having turkey for lunch.
Chefs making dogs food.
Yeah, it's crazy.
Like you see a guy there with a pot and like stirring.
Every dog's getting CBD oil.
The guy's got a white glove on.
Yeah, you would see dogs.
Yeah, one dog was getting, one dog was getting a dime and put them on one of his incisors in his mouth.
Like it was fucking, and that was little John's dog, actually.
Dude, they said that, this is true.
They said that little John's dog had been there for a month and that and he had gotten the top of the line stuff for it.
So all the dogs had to play in one area and then little John's dog had his own fucking like little hotel area.
He had a penthouse.
Yeah, yeah.
He had a penthouse.
But at the place.
That's right.
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But Amanda Bynes dog had been there for two months.
Oh, wow.
And it was like a hot, it would look like a slipper that was alive.
You know, one of those kind of dogs.
You know, like a big slipper.
A big slipper.
Like a big furry slipper.
Fur.
You didn't know where the eyes were.
You didn't know where the ass was.
You'd like to give it a treat and suddenly you'd put the treat in its butt.
You know, you were like, where's the face on this thing?
Oh, my gosh.
But it loved me, dude.
It was following me around like a fucking hot Ewok, you know?
And they're like, hey, we'll give it to you for a thousand bucks.
It's been here for so long that we can't really board it anymore.
We're going to have to give it up.
A thousand bucks is pricey for that.
At the time, it was real pricey for me.
Now I might go 800 on a fucking Bichon or something.
All right.
But it loved me, though.
It was almost like the parent I never had.
Like in the distance, every time I turned around, it was like about 30 feet away, fucking just like kind of little shit.
Giving you a thumbs up.
Yeah, kind of or something.
It could have been an erection coming out of the fur.
It could have been a thumb.
But yeah, so I said no.
And I wish I'd have said yes, honestly.
Because the dog really liked me.
Do you have a dog now?
I don't.
And I've never had a dog.
Yeah.
That was the closest I ever came to having Amanda Bonds dog.
And so I wonder what ended up happening to that dog.
I don't know.
You see if there's any information about that?
We'll make a Nick work today.
Can you make some phone calls?
Can you get its tracking number?
I bet I can actually send her a DM and ask her.
She probably didn't realize she had a dog.
She's like, what?
Had a dog?
I wonder Reunited pet dog she accidentally drenched with gasoline.
I didn't smell any gasoline.
Oh wait, was that the same dog?
There was a picture of it right there.
Let's see if we can...
She accidentally...
Unless that was the dog as a puppy.
Damn it.
Does that look like it, Theo?
That looks like it if it had gone, had like Nicholas's cage's life.
Like it looks, it had a lot more hair than that when I met it.
Well, it says she tried to set fire to it.
Oh, that's like a Dele kind of.
This was 2013 that she was reunited with a pet dog that she almost set fire to.
Well, it kind of sounds like a dog that would be.
She's a beautiful young lady.
Yeah.
I hope she's doing okay.
It'd be cool.
Maybe it could reach out and even see if she would come on.
That'd be interesting.
You should have her on here.
It'd be real interesting, especially if she struggles with addiction.
We have a lot of, you know, I struggle with it and a lot of other people do.
But I think it could be interesting for her to just share like probably what it's been like.
Because that's a scary thing about Hollywood.
You only know from like articles.
You only know when people are like, you know, the Britney Spears situation where she's got an umbrella and shaved her head.
You don't know like what led up to it.
What was the thing?
Yeah.
Yeah, you never know the truth, really.
She's kind of crazy.
And I think it would be interesting to talk to her.
I mean, just to find out, like, you know, where things started to go off the rails and how she got it back on track, you know?
Yeah, does she blame, or not blame, but yeah, like, I bet it was tough to forgive whatever the things were that were really bugging her, you know?
That's why I did not become a child star.
Yeah.
You would have been a good one, I think.
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
You know who you look like?
You look like.
Everyone say people watching are like, she looks like the kid from Bad Santa.
I get that every time.
Every time.
No, dude.
You're way hotter than that.
There was a video question.
Someone asked, and I had to look at your IMDb, but they were like, in Bad Santa, did you actually cut your thumb when you were making a sand?
People are always like, they're all like the kid from the sand lot or the bad Santa kid.
Oh, no, that's crazy.
I'm not even offended by it anymore.
I'm just so used to black.
It's charming.
Oh, it is very charming.
I think it's charming.
People say that I look like if I wear a blue button-up, they say I look like, who's that woman who was in Sleepless in Seattle?
Oh, Rosie O'Namal.
Meg Ryan.
Yeah.
I'll get a Meg Ryan if I. See, look at that.
Yeah, I can see it a little.
Well, when I was 10. No, you have a cuter nose than that guy.
I got these chubby cheeks.
It's just the hair, I think.
And the eyes may be a little.
And we're just adorable.
I mean, both of y'all would be.
I mean, yeah, you guys.
I tried out for when I was like 10, they had an open casting call.
And I'm from North Carolina, and it was in Charlotte.
Do you remember that show Wild and Crazy Kids?
It was like a bunch of kids doing like...
They were looking for the pyramid, trying to win a contest?
It was like a field day almost, like kids competing in different activities.
And you went out for it?
Yeah, I went out for the open casting call at the mall, and I had jelly stains on my shirt from McDonald's breakfast.
Oh, hell yeah.
Dude, when I was young, I used to sneak a couple of those packets, and I would slick my fucking hair back sometimes.
Yeah.
Because I thought chicks would dig it, dude.
Because everybody loves jelly.
That was my concept, you know?
That fucking jelly sideburn.
Gotta get it.
It's free, too.
Strawberry that bitch up.
And that stuff held your hair so good.
So many preservatives.
It's just like, yeah.
So the guy, like, you know, they have a producer like asking all the kids questions.
And I'm just like, oh, so fat.
And just like, such a slob.
You were slovenly as well?
Yeah, back then, because, you know, you're just like a little awkward fat kid.
You don't really know any better.
And he just looked at me and just like, no.
You wrote no on your head?
No.
So that was my first Hollywood rejection.
Was there anything else you tried out for?
Oh, God.
Well, it was so funny.
You know, it was funny.
I watched you on Road Rules.
Yeah.
Did you drop for Real World ever?
I sort of did.
I was in college because I think we're around the same age.
And they had another open casting thing in Raleigh where I was going to school.
And I was working at a radio station.
And they gave us passes to go to the front of the line.
Oh, yeah.
I could imagine that.
And so people have been waiting all night to meet everybody.
They're bonded.
And I come in all like, you know, my Starbucks.
What's up, everybody?
What's up, Bassana?
You don't even know me yet.
I'm about to be a star.
And they like hate my guts.
Oh, yeah.
The line hates.
The line hates.
And the line for those things is always like the most obtuse people.
It's like people really trying.
It's a lot of, there's always a lot of like, I don't know, maybe desperation, I feel like.
Well, everyone's like over the top.
It's like big personalities.
Like, I gotta make them see me.
Right.
At the front of the line.
Yeah.
A lot of times, that's what's there.
Yeah, very aggressive.
Yeah.
And where you're like, whoa.
And I just, you know, they pull us all in in groups.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I remember this.
Yeah.
Did you have, or did you see a tape or something?
I'll tell you.
No, I'll tell you.
I never really talked about it, but I'll talk about it.
Okay.
But yeah, I want to hear more about your experience.
You go in.
It's at a bar.
Where is it?
It was like, yeah, like a big bar.
And they put us in groups and a big table.
And, you know, of course they're asking questions like, where's the craziest place you've had?
This sex.
And I'm like, I want to say like 1920.
And I'm just like, oh, you know, I don't even know I'm gay at that point.
I was in the closet.
And so they were asking all these questions.
Everyone's like, you know, well, I fucked once on a washing machine.
And everyone's like trying to outdo each other.
And I'm just like, in my head, like.
Someone's like, I fucked on the back of a senior citizen.
And you're like, yeah.
That's a lot.
And I'm just like, well, I can't wait for this group part to be over so I get my one-on-one interview.
And I didn't say one word.
I didn't answer one question because it was all so crazy.
Yeah, it's people desperately like, yeah, I'm dead.
You're like, well, you're not dead, dude.
I'm a ghost.
And I had no good stories because I was a nerdy ass 20-year-old who hadn't really lived life.
And they go, all right, thank you to all of us.
And I'm like, what?
That was it.
So I technically auditioned, but I didn't answer one question.
But dude, what a card to play, though.
The silent card.
Yeah, they're like, we want her on TV.
She has nothing to say.
And did you still leave though thinking, hey, they might reach out to me?
Yeah, I'm like, well, they got my contact information.
I have my email address and my, because, you know, we didn't really have cell phones at that point.
And they're like, find me on my hot mail.
Hit up my hotmail.
DulceGrande at hotmail.com.
That was my hotmail address, Big Sweetie.
Oh, really?
But that was like, I laughed so hard later.
Like, knowing what I know now, I'm like, what a dumbass.
Yeah.
But I mean, it all worked out.
You know, it was not meant to be for me.
Yeah, it wasn't to be for you.
Isn't that interesting, though, how, like, it's like sometimes you'll want something, you'll think, oh, this is what I want.
And then later you'll realize, oh, I'm so grateful that didn't work out.
That didn't happen that way because this, there was this other plan going on for me that was supposed to fit really well.
Well, it would have been hard.
It would have been hard for someone like me who, you know, didn't know.
No, it would have been tough.
I didn't know so much about myself yet.
I moved to LA and still didn't know I was gay.
Like, I was just a little bit of a late bloomer in that way because I grew up, you know, in the South in North Carolina where I just didn't know.
I didn't have those examples.
So that I would have been like, everybody else would have been like, this girl's dumb as shit.
We all know.
So it wouldn't have been probably.
Oh, it would have been.
Yeah, you might have been forced to have to like really figure it out before you were ready to figure it out.
Yeah.
Or I'd have been that person that's like, he's cute.
Yeah.
Where everybody else is like, yeah, you're banging dudes, but you're the one, you're behind the dude.
And it's like, whoa, this is interesting.
Stay still.
You're moving too much.
So I want to hear how it happened for you, how you ended up being on that show.
Yeah, I'll tell you.
So before, I'll just, you made me think, so if you, so I've never asked a gay person because you're 100% gay.
100%.
Okay.
So.
I appreciate you assuming I could have some bisexual.
Oh, yeah.
I'm flattered.
Oh, yeah, dude.
Bro, I'd watch you fuck one of these fucking whack ass dudes running around.
Somebody.
Somebody on this.
Oh, I'd pay $200 to see you bang out Tony Henchcliffe over there, dude.
To fucking put it on his little ass, bro.
She might kill Tony.
I will be the one to kill Tony.
Dude, you know what's crazy is one day someone's going to walk up and actually kill him.
Oh, God.
And it's going to be the greatest, saddest, most amazing fucking documentary ever.
So do you know, like, because like, I just wonder sometimes, like, if you look, when you're thinking back in your life now, so now you're comfortable being, yeah, you know, there's no questions inside of you or anything like that.
Like, do you, can you look back to like a seed where it's like you kind of can, where it makes more sense?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, once you know, once that like cloud is kind of lifted, you look back to your whole life and you're like, oh my God, there, there, like so many, so many things.
But, and, and now with everything being like so gay, like people talk about gay stuff all the time.
Yeah.
YouTube, you know, everyone's out.
Everybody's gay.
People aren't even gay or gay.
Yeah.
And like being gay to some people is like, cool.
And you're just like, like, like, you don't even know if they're genuinely gay.
They're just like, well, gay is fun.
I want to be on RuPaul.
See, I want to open a bakery, so I'm going to come out of the closet.
Yeah.
That has nothing to do.
Or I'm going to have a fashion line, so I have to be gay.
Yeah.
So it's just, I think, too, part of it is that people aren't like conforming to labels now.
Everyone's kind of doing their thing.
And, you know, yeah, I can look back and just be like, oh, my God, like, this is so obvious from like early on.
You know, you just don't know it because any, you know, anyone you kind of, any dude I assume might be gay, like in my hometown, would be like, hey, girl, this is my wife, Pam.
Oh, yeah, you always see that, too.
And then she'd try to hold his hand and he'd be like, oh, gross.
No.
Like, reprimanding her.
And so I just didn't know, you know, I was like, I didn't see any out gay person.
I'm from a probably.
Yeah, I mean, both men and women.
I mean, you know, any.
They always had a secret dude that worked at the bank that was gay, you know?
Yeah, and there was like any woman who might, I thought might be gay was like a librarian who like loved mowing grass.
Yeah.
And you're just like, man, she's doing a lot of yard work.
And that perfume's like that's gasoline.
Spilled some of my legs.
Yeah, so it was just, you know, it was a different time.
And so you didn't, you knew what gay was, but you didn't think it could apply to you in any way.
Right.
Because you're like, well, no one else I know is, so I must not be that fancy.
Interesting.
Yeah, I just sometimes wonder, like, what is that feel?
Like, what is the like, does it, yeah, like, how does it start to, like, feel inside of you where you.
It gets, for me, it got to the point where you just couldn't deny it anymore.
Oh, wow.
So there's just so much evidence.
Yeah.
And it was like I had moved out to LA and moving to LA was a big thing for me because then I was seeing gay people everywhere and no one even batted an eye.
You're just like, oh, it's like, I mean, for me, I felt like so stupid.
I was like, look at those people holding hands.
I'm like, what am I like born in a barn?
It really felt like I was an idiot.
Whereas it's like, whoa.
And then like you start to, like the L-word came out.
You start seeing you're like two chicks, hot chicks, kissing.
And you're like, wow, I'm feeling things.
And then it just sort of bubbles up to the point where you're just like, yeah, where you're just like, I'm gay.
Yeah, some dude came out of the closet in one of my shows one time.
Oh, really?
Yeah, he was.
I swear to God, he was laughing so hard.
He's like, I'm gay.
Fucking just hit him.
Yeah.
And his buddies are like, what the fuck, Patrick?
You know, have another beer, dude.
Calm down.
I'm fucking gay.
Yeah, bro.
He's all like, sorry.
Dude, that's so, does it, so if you're, does it feel like, do you, does it feel like if you, does it feel like you get like an erection in your vagina if you're a gay woman?
No.
I mean, when I was watching the L-word early on, yeah, you're kind of just like, you're, you're, more tingles, I think, than anything.
Yeah.
We don't get the, the boners to tell us like that we're excited.
Right.
It's more like the butterflies and the tingles.
So when that starts to happen, could you think back to other times when you're only like, oh my God, I got that feeling some, but I had no idea what was going on?
Yeah, well, I was very intense about certain friends growing up.
You know, like if I joked, one of my very first jokes was like, I talked about how I would get so upset if my friend Michelle would go out on a date with a guy, and my mom would be like, I don't understand.
And I'm like, she's my best friend.
It's like so intense, you know, you just, she's on a date.
My head's exploding.
You're in a car with binoculars in the distance.
Fucking going on her email.
I mean, it was like.
You just get so like angsty, you know, because there's all this stuff inside and you don't know what it is.
And it used to baffle the shit out of my mom.
She would just be like, I don't, like, who cares?
Like, she's on a date.
I'm like, yeah, I'll be like, we were supposed to go to Chile's together.
And it's more of that shit.
Just that, like, oh, that, like, teenage, like, but that, like, goes on for longer than it should.
And yeah, you're just the direction.
You're like, yeah, it must seem so bizarre.
That's so wild.
Because I would have like sort of these like intense friendships where it almost felt like you were dating at times, like writing each other notes and putting it on your car.
Stuff you would do with like a boyfriend.
Yeah.
I was doing that with certain friends.
And so you get just so emotionally invested in that person that when their straightness continues and a guy comes into the picture, you're just like, it's almost like malfunctioning.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're like an R2D Tiffany fucking just.
You've created a non-reality.
Right.
And then reality comes to bursts that bubble.
It must be a little hard.
It must have been oddly heartbreaking almost in some ways, even though you didn't know maybe exactly what was going on.
Man, that would just feel so heartbreaking, I feel like.
I mean, I think, you know, when I talk to other gay people who had those experiences, I think where the heartbreak comes in is that you're getting told no.
Like, even if it's not a verbal no from early on, because there's like something between a closeted gay person, like if you and I had met in high school, like we'd be buddies right away.
We'd be high five.
And I never had sexual chemistry with a dude.
It was always like, we're homies.
Right.
And so even if I do find men attractive, so even if I would find a guy attractive, it would never be reciprocated because my body, who I am, is putting out something I can't control.
Oh, interesting.
Yeah, totally.
And so you're just getting rejected from the beginning.
Right.
And so that definitely affects, I think, a lot of gay people.
And some people work their way through that where they're like, they build up their self-esteem in other ways.
Some people start drinking a lot when they get to like college and stuff to sort of mask that pain of rejection.
Everybody deals with it in different ways, but.
Yeah, I never really thought about that.
There must be this rejection from the way that society is kind of built.
At least back then.
Especially in younger people, too, because younger people don't even know what they're doing.
Yeah.
And you know, yeah, it was just like, I went to prom and stuff, but usually I asked the dude, hey, what's up, Mark?
You want to go to prom?
He's like, don't pat me on the back so hard.
Not pat me on the back so hard.
So I just, yeah, I just didn't have that typical normal dating.
I never had a boyfriend.
Yeah.
I went on a couple dates, but yeah, you just kind of like dating sort of became like a non-thing.
So I became sort of the overachiever, like, oh, I'm going to be in all the clubs and I'm going to be president of the student government and I'm going to make A's.
Right.
I'm going to find other ways to just to express myself.
Yeah, that and to get validated.
Oh, yeah.
I had to, I had to find validation elsewhere because I wasn't the girl getting flowers on Valentine's Day.
Yeah.
I'd be like, Sheila, you're going to finish those cupcakes.
So, yeah, you just.
Somebody buys you a rake.
Whoa, whoa, that's a unique gift.
Yeah, I was like getting flowers from my brother.
These are from my brother.
It's wild because you really are like a, you, you also have this whole vibe of like a real beautiful woman, I feel like.
Oh, thank you.
You know, like you really, I don't know.
I don't know why I said that even, but I just, yeah, I don't know.
I just felt that.
Well, that was very sweet.
Thank you.
I don't know.
I think where I was able to sort of find connections with people, it was more of just like being friends with people and being genuinely interested in them.
Yeah.
And having good conversations.
And I had a lot of friends, you know, and then I was sort of became the class clown that sort of made people laugh and stuff.
So I did find laughter early on was sort of that bridge, that gapped, that disconnect with people.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Yeah, I can totally relate to that.
Yeah.
So then all of a sudden, people are looking at you with a different set of eyes.
They're not looking at you as like, oh, there's that chubby girl that's awkward.
They're looking at like, oh, she's funny.
She's funny.
She's cool.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You create something about you.
And almost kind of what a neat, so much of our like who we are and our validation becomes based on that like response we get from the opposite sex.
Right, right.
Yeah.
Or, you know, when we're growing up.
So it's almost kind of neat that if you were able to like kind of take that out of your picture, even though it probably affected you some, I'm sure, to take that out of your picture and find other ways and just be able to build friendships with people and not have that element be part of it.
Yeah.
It's almost kind of a weird blessing, it seems like.
Yeah, because I mean, I did see early on like people get really wrapped up with men relationships.
Oh, yeah.
Like pregnant and shit.
Like, even my mom, you know, after my folks got divorced, she was so hurt by that and my, and my, and that rejection from my dad that she spent that next like 10 years just all that mattered was finding that man who loved her.
And I would see her just get crushed, you know, like because she put everything into that dude to the point where she was neglecting stuff at home.
Yeah, the rest of her life or find another joy.
Yeah.
And so all of her validation was completely there.
And then when that thing didn't work out, she just was on the floor.
And that definitely had an effect on me where I was just like, man, I can't do that.
I can't be like that.
So there was like a happy medium, you know?
Yeah.
So yeah, in a weird way, it allowed me to stay focused, I guess, and put more value in friendships.
And create a new way to breach just to a new world.
It's almost like you didn't get stuck into this same path because so many people, it's like you get into there and everything's based on it.
Fucking, you know, Larry look for every, it's like, does Larry look at me after science, you know?
Yeah, and I've seen people make career decisions that have changed the course of their life for a person, you know, for love that didn't work out.
Sometimes it did.
And so you just wanted to find like, you wanted to make those decisions when it was the right person and the right time.
Right.
So I was glad I at least didn't spend my high school, college, early 20s where that was dictating all my decisions and thoughts.
Oh, yeah.
That dictated all my shit, dude.
It was a fucking nightmare, dude.
Driving across town just to masturbate.
I remember biking across town to find some titty magazines.
Just to masturbate.
I was so lonely.
I used to bike five miles to masturbate, dude, on the weekend.
It was like the biggest thing I look forward to.
Well, back then, you couldn't, you know, porn wasn't as accessible.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Now you're just like, yeah, now these lazy people.
Yeah, no one's getting their steps in.
Oh, if I had a Fitbit on, bro, I was the healthiest fucking masturbator in 2020.
My arms are strong.
So are my legs.
I'm so strong from biking and masturbating.
But now you date a lot of hot women.
You're basically like the David Spade of the lesbian community.
I feel like you get a lot of hot chicks.
I've dated some very, very attractive women.
Now I'm engaged.
Now you're engaged.
Now I'm spoken for.
We have a question that came in about that, actually.
Let's get to it real quick.
Have you set a date for your wedding yet?
She's just a matter-of-fact.
She's very short.
Have you set a date for your wedding yet?
Maybe her husband may only be allowing her a certain amount of words.
Woman, you've got one question.
Make it short.
You got nine words, Rhonda.
Rhonda, keep it short and sweet.
We have not set a date for our wedding yet.
We got engaged like two years ago.
I'm starting to twiddle your thumbs over here.
What's going on?
I'm not even the bride.
And I'm like, what the fuck?
What's happening?
No, I mean, well, she moved out here.
We've been together four and a half years.
And the first year was long distance.
And then I wanted us to at least live together a year to see if we still liked each other.
That's a good idea.
So once we hit the year mark, she made so many sacrifices.
She moved from Chicago.
She was a kindergarten teacher, left a job she really loved.
And she was working in the inner city, Chicago.
And just, that was her passion.
And so she gave up all these things for me.
So I felt like I needed to show her earlier because I probably would have maybe waited like another year to get engaged.
But I wanted to show her I was serious about us and appreciated the sacrifices she made.
So I proposed to her, but neither of us had the intention of getting married right away or like to be in any hurry.
We are going to get married sometime this year.
We just got to plan it.
Yeah, 2020.
You got about eight hours left.
Yeah, it's just, I think normally when people get engaged, there's like, usually it's the bride, whoever we're both brides, but technically.
But that bride's usually like very much like, all right, I've been dreaming about this my whole life.
Right.
Here's the thousand things I want to do.
Well, she and I never dreamt of getting married because, you know, we just, again, that wasn't my fantasy.
I didn't think that was ever going to happen for me.
Even if you think about the wedding cake, it's just one woman standing up there by herself.
So we don't have these, all these things we've always wanted to do.
So for us, we're just like, and we've lived together now for, you know, over three years.
And it feels like we're married.
We will get married, but it's just one of us has to freaking plan something.
So I think I just got to find like a wedding planner.
Yeah.
Or get one of those planner books.
They have books that say planner on them.
There you go.
You know, but yeah, you can get somebody to do it.
Go to Pinterest.
Yeah.
We just kind of want to have a party.
I think we'll probably get married at the courthouse or something.
Yeah, I like that.
She doesn't like.
She don't like a lot of people.
Like, she doesn't like to be the center of attention.
She's very, like, she does not want to say vows in front of people.
She don't want to be walking down an aisle.
She just is like, so it's kind of funny.
So I'm like, well, we got to have a party.
And why else get married?
Yeah, you got to have, yeah, you got to have some, yeah, a nice celebration.
It's almost like when people don't ever celebrate their birthday or something, you got to celebrate it.
Well, you just, I just want, it's a spit.
There she is.
Oh, yeah.
I've met her before.
I met her.
Yeah.
I'm trying to think of where we ran into each other.
I feel like at a strange place.
I don't remember where it was.
I don't remember.
She's awesome.
She's beautiful and so smart and lovely.
And she comes on the road with me a lot.
But she's kind of joined The circus that is being a stand-up comedian's partner, you know.
Oh, yeah, I bet, huh?
It's tough.
It's a different world.
And LA's, you know, Chicago is an awesome city.
Yeah, Chicago is fun.
And LA, if you're not in the business, you're kind of like, What is this place?
Yeah.
So it's been an adjustment for her.
But I think she's finally starting to feel like home.
So now we're in a good place with LA and making friends and that it feels like a good time to get married.
That's cool.
If you want to plan it, bud.
Yeah, we can do a little something.
Oh, my God.
Get some shrimp.
If you'd like to bike to our wedding and masturbate.
And dude, the whole time I was biking, I would try to look.
My main goal while I was biking was to look like I wasn't going to masturbate when I got there.
I'm up to nothing.
Because I remember thinking the whole time that, oh, fuck, everybody knows that I'm biking across town to jerk off.
Where were you going?
I knew my basketball coach had a bunch of nudie mags he kept in his bathroom.
That's fucking weird.
Under the sink.
So you would go to your basketball coach's house and be like, yo, can I borrow some of those magazines?
Oh, I wouldn't tell him, dude.
I would just go in there and pretend I had to do a bowel movement for about two hours.
Oh, my God.
And then I would be so embarrassed to come out of the door, I would go out through the window of his house and leave the fucking bathroom door locked.
So I would lock myself in.
And it was one of those locks.
It was one of those locks you put the little latch in the thing.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, shit.
So he had to climb back in his window.
Oh, my God.
Why did he let you keep coming over there?
I don't know, man.
I think he thought I had just a bad GI tract or something.
Man, things were so different back in the days because I hung out with teachers too.
And they would come to my house.
Nowadays, they're like, I'll fucking sue you.
Yeah.
But back in the day, you were just like, yeah, this is hanging out with my teacher.
Yeah, everything's a lawsuit now.
That's one thing that's messed up a lot of things in America is just everything.
Lawyers got so happy.
Everybody found just easy ways to make money.
It's almost like, yeah, everything's a lawsuit.
So they have to make everything safe.
They have to make everything, I can't do this.
The school bus driver can't say things to the kids.
It's just like, there's no living anymore.
Yeah, well, everyone's like walking on eggshells.
You don't know what you're going to say.
That's going to offend somebody.
People, you know.
It's ridiculous, though.
I don't understand why it's so, it doesn't feel real, though.
It feels like it's real.
Like, if you look online, like if you're on, like, yahoo.com, it feels real, all the outrage and the bullshit.
If you just read that, you're not alive as a human.
But it feels like in the world, things aren't exactly like that as much.
I don't think so.
I mean, yeah, I don't know.
I've never thought, nothing's ever happened to me.
And I'm like, I'm going to sue that person.
Like, I just think you just work things out.
Like, you just got to work it out.
Yeah.
And, you know, you hit somebody's car, call your insurance.
Yeah.
You know, it's not like, I'm going to sue you.
I don't know.
It's like a, I think we're the only country that really is so litigious in that way.
Yeah, I think so, too.
Because there's so much money here, too.
Yeah.
You know, people's all, you know, chasing money.
Yeah.
Okay, my story about, yeah, so I went to, when I was, I was going to University of Arizona's and they had auditions there.
They used to have auditions at like six or seven schools around the country for a real world and road rules.
University of Arizona is a good one to go to.
Because this is kind of a party school, right?
No, that's Arizona State.
Oh, okay.
If you want to basically cut the top of your car off with a fucking welding torch and also cut your sleeves off to match your fucking car and buy a little bit of turquoise, then University of Arizona is the place for you.
Okay.
So it would be crazy.
It was definitely, it was, it was just hot.
What was it like?
It was fun, though.
A lot of classic rock fans.
All four years?
You were there the whole time?
No, I was actually only there for one semester.
Gotcha.
So I went there for one semester and they had auditions at a bar called Gentle Ben's, I think.
Sounds amazing.
It sounds like a fucking place.
It's definitely going to get a sexual harassment lawsuit.
Yeah.
Ben was too gentle.
Easily.
So they had, and I went in there and, man, I was having, I was depressed, bro.
I mean, half of my life I'm depressed.
So this was a time when I was.
And I went in there and they had auditions.
And yeah, they sat us in a group and they just started talking to me.
Yeah, they started talking to people.
Yeah.
And I just remember being like, I bet half y'all would be afraid to fuck some twins.
That's what I said, right?
You were always saying crazy shit, though.
I remember they would always be like, what's Thea's saying some weird shit?
So that's all I remember saying, bro.
Because shit was getting weird.
Like one guy, yeah, like the first guy was like gay, but then wasn't going to be gay and then came back from the dark side, he said, and then went back to, like, everybody had like a crazy story.
One guy was doing fucking Renaissance fairs and shit.
I'm like, fuck, dude.
I'm down to nothing right now.
You know, I got to come strong.
I got to pull some shit out of my crazy bag.
So I was like, I bet neither one of y'all would fuck twins, you know, and they didn't know what to say.
And so then when I'm leaving.
I guess, I guess not.
And then there was a girl in our group.
She literally stood up.
She was on the highest heels you could be on.
She stood up and then just fell directly down.
And she got fucking asked to go to the next round.
Like, oh, she's going to fall off camera.
Yes.
She's going down, right?
So then what happened was when I'm walking out of there, the man like taps you on the shoulder and gives you this packet.
And it was like a big packet.
And it was literally like 30 pages of stuff to fill out.
And he said, hey, fill this out and mail it in.
And you'll hear from us in like within six weeks.
So for six weeks, I was excited.
You know, it was like, who knows?
And then I never heard from him.
And that was it.
So then the next year, I'm at Louisiana State.
Okay.
And they had auditions there.
And every year they had like six campus where they would have audition.
So it just happened to be the next year that they had it at this campus.
Okay.
So I'm like, okay.
So I went again.
And then, and I kind of knew, okay, the first round you say something wild.
I'm going to draw my twins line again.
Yeah.
And then watch somebody fall over.
So I don't remember what I did the second time, but I did something.
I bet none of y'all would fuck triplets.
Oh, he's good.
He's good.
And I remember, actually, I remember.
So then they had you, you know, you fill out the packet.
And this time I didn't try to be wild on the packet.
I just tried to be like, just talk about my life.
And so then they called one time and then they made you set up a camera and they would call you and interview you and you had to mail them a tape.
Okay.
And then they did that three more times and it was with therapists and different types of people that work at their company.
Okay.
So you had to talk to a therapist for there?
Oh, interesting.
You had to talk to a therapist.
I still know her.
This lady, Laura Kokorian, that's her name.
Real sweet lady.
Yeah.
And then they had you drive to a regional, like they had like 20 or 30 people drive to a regional place.
And so I drove and I went in the hotel.
Yeah.
And it's, and in the hall, in the hotel, it smelled kind of, it was like kind of a, it was in an urban area and it smelled like a lot of like urban kind of hair care products and stuff, you know, kind of like, because I grew up, you know, with riding the school bus with a lot of black kids, a lot of black kids at school.
And I was like, oh, it smells kind of like black people in here, you know, and I remember saying that right when I sat down and I could just see their eyes just like.
They were like, we got a racist son.
We got a ringer, right?
And I didn't mean it like, oh man, it fucking smells like black people.
Yeah, you weren't trying to.
I didn't say that.
I was like, oh, it smells like, I can't remember exactly what I said.
That's the, that's what I mean.
It smells like a black woman in here, I think.
Maybe that's something specific.
That made people go like that.
Yeah, it was something kind of specific, you know?
And it did.
That's what it's, you know?
And I was right.
No joke, two seconds later, a black woman comes in and asks everybody a question in the room.
And I was like, oh, it's that, maybe it's that lady.
But, yeah.
And then, so then I remember after that, they, yeah, they would ask me more questions about race or and because they wanted people that sort of like push buttons and stuff, right?
Yeah, they wanted people that would say stuff that was outrageous, I think.
Or just, I don't know if I was just too naive to even know.
And a filter, maybe?
Yeah, there's no filter.
But also, I think people knew I wasn't, you know, I've never come from a place of like, I have any anger or I maybe had more curiosity than anything.
You just seem kind of misunderstood by the rest of the cast.
At least what was aired.
I think I was.
And then cast members at a certain point, they start to become cast members.
Right.
So they're like, oh, okay, I'm this person.
I'm the activist.
I'm the one who's going to, you know, like, if anybody says anything inside of line, I'm going to be that.
Some ladies like, oh, I'm going to come out of the closet, you know, even though I don't even know if I'm gay.
Some guys like, oh, I'm the guy who's going to fuck everybody.
Some guys are like, I'm going to buy steroids.
You know, everybody's got different roles.
But yeah, anyway, so that was that.
And then one day they called and said, hey, do you want to go on Road Rules?
Do you want to go on this trip?
Yeah.
And it was crazy because at the time, so many people watched the show.
Right.
MTV.
Yeah.
MTV was huge.
It was huge back then.
And I remember thinking, man, this is going to be just a life change.
I remember going to a basketball game that day and walking into the basketball place and thinking, man, next year, if I do that show, next year half these kids would know who I was when I came in here.
And that was kind of it.
That was just a wild feeling kind of.
And then I went and do the show and went back to LSU and it was a nightmare.
Oh, really?
People were so mean.
People would throw shit at me all the time.
Holy shit.
Make fun of me, call me all kind of names.
I remember one time I was at a bar.
I was waiting to go into a bar and some kid threw a bottle and it whizzed right by my head and shattered on this bar right next to me.
Oh my God.
And that's when I was like, man, I got to get out of here.
It's just not safe for me to be around here.
One night, some people, I forgot about this.
I was at a bar by Tulane University and some kids started fucking with me and then started chasing me.
And I ran up to a house.
I banged on the door.
This lady, it was a girl.
It was a group of girls lived there.
Some of them were asleep.
This one girl was awake and she let me in.
And then these people ran around their house and were throwing things through their windows.
Oh my God.
Just drunk kids at like 3.30 in the morning.
They broke like three windows in these people's house.
And I was just like, Jesus, dude.
It was just a couple of weird, you know, shit that was real scary.
Yeah.
You know, so I was like, I probably need to get out of here.
Was it that they thought you had like, like they wanted to take you down a couple pegs?
Yeah, I think so.
And I don't know if I had ego about it.
I can't remember.
I don't really think I did.
I mean, I was.
Just the fact that you were on TV.
Yeah, this guy thinks he's cool.
This guy's different.
I don't think it was a matter of how you were acting.
Just like, oh, he's on TV.
Fuck that guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was just a lot of like really shit that made me uncomfortable.
I was like, I'm not doing this.
Yeah.
I was crazy.
I didn't, I would have scared.
I wouldn't guess that that would have been the.
I wouldn't have either.
Yeah.
And that shit was scary.
You're like, what happened to the basketball game?
Come on.
What happened to the cool?
Yeah.
They're all throwing bottles at you.
Shit.
Yeah, there was just some scary moments.
Now, that wasn't everybody.
Right, right.
But that was just a couple of things where it was like, oh, I'm not going to, you know, I'm not going to die down here because somebody wants to be a prick, you know?
Right.
And that's when you moved to L.A.?
I think that's when I moved to L.A. Yeah.
But anyway, that's kind of a fucking downer story.
No, I would say, I mean, that sucks, but it's interesting.
That was the journey of it.
It kind of illuminates when you're talking like Amanda Byn.
She was child star and stuff went off the rail.
it's just never as good as you perceive it's going to be in your mind.
Maybe you were young.
Oh, yeah, I was young.
I was 19. Yeah, I mean, that's young.
One cool thing was one time they had flew me back to Los Angeles for something and they sent a limousine to pick me up.
Yeah.
Which was so bizarre, dude.
I'm sleeping on my friend's floor.
We're sharing a floor.
And he would always bring home these crazy fucking drunk chicks.
And I would have to hide and fucking kind of sleep by the closet, you know, under a bunch of sheets.
So it looked like nobody was in there.
Oh, my God.
And anyway, so I had the limousine stop at the bus stop because I used to wait at this one bus stop and pick up everybody and got in and dropped them all at school.
And that was a fucking pretty cool day.
That is cool.
Just pulled up.
I was like, hey, you guys, get in.
We're going directly to campus.
It's like 7.30 in the morning.
People are freezing.
Oh, my God.
That's like that comedy club up in, what was it, Sunnyvale or something?
They always would send the...
Yeah, didn't they send a limo?
Like a stretched limo for just you and you're like, what's white?
You're like, is this the fucking 80s?
What's happening?
Yeah.
You're like, is somebody dead?
You got like your one book bag and like a satchel of merch.
You're like, uh, okay.
You're almost embarrassed.
You're always embarrassed to get in.
The only place this would be okay is Vegas.
We're in Sunnyvale.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're in fucking Silicon Valley.
Fucking Twitter over here is looking down on me.
That's crazy.
What's one of the weirdest clubs you've played over the years, you feel like?
Was there something weird when you were starting?
You know, the one that tripped me out was in Peoria, the jukebox or something.
I love Peoria, but I never played the club.
The comedy club is right beside a strip joint.
There's a strip club on one side of it, and then right across the street is a race car track, but like where dudes just like, the race car track's like mud.
Like Demolition Derby?
Yeah, kind of, but they're racing.
So it's crazy loud.
You know, it's kind of more of a passion thing than it is.
More of a passion project.
Yeah.
Like anybody can be racist.
Dudes are like making these cars in their backyard.
Like racist people will show up and be like, I'm ready.
And like, nah, nah, nah, man.
It's not that.
It's cars.
Like, oh.
Yeah.
So that was a trip.
Like, everybody was so nice, but like, some dudes would wander over from like the strip club drunk, being like, where am I?
And I'm like, so being a lesbian, what?
And I would fuck with these dudes.
It was so fun.
But you like, if the door would open, it'd be like, it was insane.
So you couldn't like not talk.
You had to talk the whole time.
Oh, yeah.
So that it would drown out the engines.
Yeah, that was probably one of the most memorable ones.
The jukebox.
Something like that.
Comedy jukebox or something.
I need to go there.
That'd be dope.
Yeah.
I performed once back when I did Last Comic Standing.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot you did that.
Yeah, you did it too, right?
Yeah.
I made it to like the final 40 or something.
Yeah, I was saying it was like that kind of thing.
I started touring pretty much right after that, but you know, nobody, only people who knew who I was.
Right, a couple people.
Yeah, watched the show, but they like hired me for a charity event in Virginia Beach.
They're like, oh, it's going to be like sit-down dinner.
It's going to be really nice.
It was supposed to be like sort of through a gay organization.
And I guess like a week before the guy in charge quit and some other guy was just like handed the project and he was just like, ugh.
So it was like, ended up being at like a biker bar, like Harley, you know?
And the dinner was like a Chinese buffet with like eight options.
And there was no gay people in sight.
And I had my mom meet me up there from North Carolina because, you know, I was new to touring and stuff.
And fuck, man, the stage was like a crate, like a fucking, you know, Coca-Cola crate.
And the light was a clamp, one of those clamp workspace lights.
And the mic was like, sounded like a karaoke, like a kid's karaoke machine.
Or it's like, oh, he wants to hear some comedy.
And they hired an opener who used to, who came up with the comedy store, Steve Moore.
He was an old comic.
And he was supposed to do 20. And I was supposed to do 40. And he lasted two minutes.
Because it was like biker dudes that were just like, what the fuck is this?
And there was maybe only like 20 people there.
He lasted two minutes.
They still paid him.
He got his check and he left.
I was like, dude, you can at least make it 21 in here.
Come on.
And I got 20 bikers looking at me like I'm insane.
And my mom's just looking at me like, what profession have you chosen?
And I don't, by the grace of God, I just like somehow figured out what to talk about for 40 minutes.
And got it done.
Got it done.
But, you know, that's early on when you're just like, I don't really have 40 minutes.
So I think I was like asking, what's, hey, sir, like, where are you from?
You know, that shit, like, crowd work.
And I mean, I've never been scared in my life to be on a crate performance.
Oh, crate is so hard.
You take every step as a fucking no.
Yeah, every time you move, it's like, on my karaoke machine.
You're like, what is going on?
You got to earn your stripes, though, you know?
Dude, I remember Me and a friend of mine went to a school, University of Arkansas, Little Rock, or some, it may have even been a smaller one, right?
And we had to be on a crate.
It was outside, yes, it was outside.
We had to be on a crate.
Yeah, people brought sofas and everything, they were kind of fired up.
People bringing their own sofas, and we didn't know what to do.
We had no plan.
It was meeting in another community.
We each had about eight minutes, right?
We had to fill an hour.
We stopped before at like a store that had a bunch, like a dollar store, got a bunch of fucking weird prizes.
Yeah.
And we had two girls take pregnancy tests.
No.
At the school.
They had to go in and take them and bring them back to the crate.
We were standing on a fucking crate outside.
And the audio was good, though.
Oh, okay.
That's good.
And they had to check.
Yeah.
And both of them came back negative, man, and they both won something.
If it came back positive, you get a baby.
One girl was sweating, too.
One guy started pacing in the distance.
We're like, geez.
Holy shit.
You're like, your prize is condoms.
I had a crazy show.
It was also in Arkansas at a college.
And it was one of my first college gigs.
And at the time, I had this character because I came from, I did Groundlings first and then transitioned into stand-up.
So I had like, I had tested for SNL twice.
I had this whole past comedy thing of characters and improv and all that stuff.
And I had a character that was a Hooters waitress named Darlene Witherspoon.
And so I filmed myself like in an alley pretending to be a Hooter's waitress.
And it didn't go viral, viral, but a lot of people watched it.
And so I was sort of known at that time as like Darlene Witherspoon.
And so I got hired to do this college.
And they mentioned that they were fans of Darlene Witherspoon.
So I just assumed, well, then that's probably why they're hiring me.
All the students must be fans of Darlene Witherspoon.
So I, again, didn't have a ton of material.
You got to build it up, you know?
And so I, at those colleges, you have to do an hour.
And so I did like 40 minutes.
I found my way through that.
And then my big idea was that I was going to take my clothes off.
And under my clothes would be my Hooters outfit where I'd be in this tight Hooters shirt and these tiny orange shorts.
So I take it off thinking like, here comes the big finale.
I'm in this tiny outfit.
I'm going through the rows of kids.
They all are horrified.
None of them have ever heard of this fucking character.
It was the people that hired me who were fans, the like, you know, the advisors.
These students were just like, you know, they're 18. Like, why is this fat girl in a Hooters outfit?
And she's, why is she, like, everybody was like, oh, my clothes are up on stage in a pile.
I was like, well, I misread that situation.
And you must have known immediately, too, that it wasn't going well.
No, and I, there it is.
See, food.
Oh, damn.
Yeah, my fat ass is in this Hooters outfit.
Fine.
And I just, these kids were just, you know, when you're 18, they're like uncomfortable.
They're like, they're not in on the joke anymore.
College kids are so fucked up.
College kids that are going to those events are fucking fucked hard.
They just think they feel sorry for you.
They're like, oh man, like, what did, you know, what happened to this poor woman?
They're like, I'm part of the Native American Initiative here at fucking Fayetteville, Arkansas.
Like, what are you talking about?
It was, and I still had like a good 15 minutes left.
You have to commit to that shit where you're just like, I'm all prancing around in my Hooters outfit, just acting like this is normal.
Gumo, my worst show was, I mean, there's so many of them, but one of them for sure.
University of either North Florida or Central Florida.
It was their battle of the bands.
Oh, man.
And so they hired, I got to be the host, the MC.
Okay.
So I go out in the beginning.
I'm thinking I'll do a couple minutes, warm them up, and then, you know, it'll get the crowd going, start to bring up a band.
Well, I go out there.
They don't give a fuck about me, dude.
They don't have, some dude honestly threw the American flag at me.
I remember.
It was a big one.
It was on a thing, and it just came and hit the stage.
And I couldn't tell if that was like a good thing or a bad thing.
Are you being patriotic?
So they literally boo me off stage.
Oh, my God.
And it was about 800 kids in a small venue, and they were all excited because I think it was a Greek thing, and it was their battle of the band.
So each one had a band that was going to play.
Yeah.
So I go backstage, and I burned through all my material.
Yeah.
They couldn't even hear it.
They were so pissed.
I go backstage.
I bring out a band and like, okay, you just need to do, you know, about four or five minutes between each band now.
Really?
Jesus, which feels like an hour when you're fucking eating dicks.
I felt my spine literally crawl out of my ass.
Oh, man.
And hide in my sock, dude.
I was fucking.
So I just came out again, bro, the second time.
And I'm like, boo.
And literally, I kept coming out to the point where about the fourth time, it became funny that I was coming back out again.
Yeah.
But man, I remember crying internally, like tears forming, but not coming out of my face and only going backwards into my throat.
100%.
And it was just painful, man.
Oh, my God.
This shit was dark.
We got a question right here.
Came in.
All right.
Fortune, two questions.
Do you wear a bra and would you or have you ever shot a porno?
Oh my God.
I could sort of, I didn't have to think.
Did she say, do I wear a bra?
She said, yeah, what did she say?
Yeah.
Do you wear a bra and have you ever or would you shoot a porno?
Well, that is wide range.
That's some diverse questioning.
Do I wear a bra?
My titties are down here.
I do wear like a, like a kind of like a shout out, North Carolina, right here.
Oh, nice to say hoot nanny.
Hoot nanny.
Nice.
I do wear a bra.
It just, I don't wear the ones with the wires and the things, so my boobs should be like here if I did do that.
So now they're like a little bit, they're like midsection.
They're kind of like man boobs, a little bit.
Go moobs.
But they say women oftentimes are not wearing the appropriate size bra.
Really?
So I got to go to one of those bra specialists and get like a better one, probably.
And would I shoot a porno?
That's a big no.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm sure that comes as a shock to people watching or listening.
Nah, this is not a porn body.
This is a turn the lights off.
You know, no candles even.
No, wow.
No lamps.
I'm about darkness.
I'm more one lamp in the distance.
Oh, speaking of no lamps, here's a guy who definitely just woke up.
It says dick fuel.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
What's up, Fortune?
My question for both of you is when Netflix calls, is it a call?
Do you have to go in for a meeting?
How does that go down when they go, hey, you're getting a special?
How does that work?
Also, if you could turn into a motorcycle, would you?
Thanks.
Yang, brother.
And his shirt say Dick Fuel and the Motorcycle Men, I think.
And Dick Fuel and the motorcycler?
Motor, I don't know.
Motorcycles, maybe?
He likes motorcycles.
Yeah, how does it work?
Because you have a new special coming on Netflix.
Yeah, January 21st.
It's called Sweet and Salty.
It's my first hour.
It is.
Yeah.
Wow.
I've done two half hours.
I did one for Comedy Central and then one for Netflix.
So I'm excited.
That's so exciting.
Super pumped for that.
And yeah, for me, well, I did the half hour first as part of the stand-ups.
It was like Nate Brigatsky and Nikki Glazer.
And that happened.
They call your agents.
I don't know how it went with you, but for that, they call my agents and then just sort of offer it.
And so that helped me sort of get in the door with Netflix.
And then they, I think we went to them like a year and a half later to do an hour.
And they were like, no, because it's gotten very competitive.
Yeah, it's very competitive.
They're saying no to a lot more people nowadays because there's so many specials.
They make so many specials.
They said no.
They just felt like it was time.
You know, it's all about timing and stuff.
Yeah, but it's just, and it's their opinion.
Yeah.
And so I just sort of, and I got the same sort of answer from other people, which I was kind of surprised by.
I was like, I think I'm ready.
But I just was like, all right, it sort of forced me to kind of put my head down and just hit the road even harder.
So I spent a year and a half just, I mean, I've been touring since 2010, pretty much since last comic.
So I hadn't stopped that process, but I just like cranked it up even more where I was just like gone like every weekend, just like beating this set as hard as I could, trying to make it better, trying to get it to a place where they couldn't deny it.
Be it Netflix or whoever.
Yeah.
And so, but you don't really think about that as the end goal.
You're just like, this is what I'm doing.
I'm a comic.
I'm getting a lot of stuff.
Yeah, I'm just doing my thing.
You hope for that.
This is an outside thought of like what's going to happen bigger pictures.
You can't control if someone's going to buy it or not.
And so I got it to a really great place.
And then it sort of came at the same time I'm doing a morning radio show for them now on Sirius XM.
It's me and Tom Papa.
It's called Nice.
Called What a Joke.
And so it sort of came like, you're going to do this radio show with them.
And also, we want your special.
Oh, wow.
So it was, I think, a phone call.
And then you meet with them later.
But, you know, I just, I don't know.
For me, it was like, I've gotten plenty of no's in my career, but I'm very motivated by those no's.
It makes me like, you know, I got, I was on a pilot that Tina Faye produced.
I was so excited about.
And it didn't go.
And it just like something was like, all right, you got to know, but you have Tina Fazier for like five more minutes.
What are you going to do with that?
So I pitched her show, ended up selling my own show.
And we've shot that pilot.
It didn't go, but that led to me being on the Mindy project.
So I just try to use those no's as a big motivator.
Yeah.
And now I shot my special.
I said, I shot it in Charlotte.
Sweet.
North Carolina.
What is it called?
Sweet and Salty.
Sweet and Salty.
I love it.
Yeah.
I love Sweet and Salty.
Right?
You know, and you shot it in North Carolina?
Shot it in North Carolina.
Wow.
Your folks came out.
Yeah, everybody came.
Wow.
So that meant a lot to me because I've been in LA 17 years and they don't really get to see my world and what I do much.
And so to get to share that with them was a special for me.
And it's a very autobiographical set where I go through like birth, elementary school.
I take everybody on this sort of timeline journey and then bring it back sort of full circle.
And I talk a lot about being from the South, you know, and because I think the South gets a bad rap in a lot of ways.
Yeah, South gets a bad rap.
There's assholes everywhere or ignorant people, but I fucking love Southern people have been so good to me and I am proud to be from the South and I wanted to have it filmed In the South, because I think people associate the South with certain people.
I'm like, well, I'm from the South.
I feel like I'm a good person.
Yeah, the South has so many good people.
I wonder sometimes why it's almost like the people that make a lot of the news stories have never even.
Most of the people I know are good people.
Yeah, have manners.
They're kind.
Loving.
Do stuff for their neighbors.
Would help anybody.
Would help a neighbor no matter the color of their skin doesn't.
100%.
Man, it just makes me so mad sometimes.
Yeah, so I just wanted to like, I'm not ashamed of that part of myself and my past at all.
I'm like, I'm southern, but I'm also gay, and I'm also a daughter.
I'm also a sister.
So I tell a lot of stories that I think a lot of men in particular kind of assumed they wouldn't be able to relate to my story.
And a lot of dudes come to my shows with their girlfriend or their wife.
And you can kind of see them being like, all right, what do you got?
And then by the end, they're the ones that are like, oh my God, like that was, I had such a good time.
And that means so much to me because I'm like, I'm trying to just make people feel good.
And I'm telling stories that everybody can relate to.
So I'm really proud of this special.
And I just want people to watch it because, I don't know, I feel like I'm presenting a different look, outlook on that world.
Yeah.
I was talking about this yesterday, I think.
We had Tommy.
Tommy?
We had Tommy Laronin yesterday.
He's the newscast.
She's like a fox.
And she's very conservative.
But I was talking about they haven't had anyone from the South in comedy since the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
Right.
Really?
Yeah, there was a big gap.
And Reba.
I mean, they had that Reba show, which was great.
Reba show is great.
You ever watch that?
Yeah, I love the Melissa Peterman was Steve Howie.
Dude, that show is great.
Yeah, there was a big gap.
Huge gap.
And so it's like you're telling me in a place where there's so much history, so much good storytelling, so much creativity.
Right.
And that's the thing.
Like, southerners are such storytellers.
And that's a lot of my stand-up is I'm just telling stories.
I'm not doing the like set up punchline, set up punchline.
That's never going to be my style.
I'm like, here's a funny story, and it's going to make you laugh.
You know, on the way to telling you what happened.
And I think that's a big southern thing.
I think, like, you know, we tell stories because we grew up with like people that you would think like that, that's not a real person.
You're like, no, I grew up with that.
This is a real person.
This is a real story.
That's our whole bias based on mostly.
And that was like my entire childhood.
And I grew up watching everybody tell these crazy stories and they're like full of life and full.
And I, I mean, of course, you know, that influenced me, influenced you and a lot of southern comics, you know, but I just, I felt like being gay, you're sort of just like thought, okay, well, you're a gay comic.
I go, no, I'm, I'm still southern.
Yeah.
That's still a huge part of my upbringing.
I still have my accent.
Like, it's, I go, I own a house in North Carolina.
Yeah.
It's a big part of me.
Oh, that's amazing.
No, I love hearing you say that.
Yeah.
And southern women, too.
Like, you're telling me there's not, I can't imagine how many great personalities have been missed out on.
Yeah.
That are southern women, you know, that are just, and I think a lot of southern women also don't think of getting into comedy.
Right.
Probably because I think in some of those spaces, there's still like more of a, you know, men kind of do comedy a lot of times.
Yeah.
I mean, like, when I started at the store, like Sarah Tiana was there.
So that was nice to see.
Like, she's from Georgia.
Oh, yeah, she's great.
Seeing like another stand-up.
But, you know, there's like a handful of us.
Nate Brigatsi's done so well.
And there's a girl on Instagram too, Chelsea Lindy.
You follow her?
Uh-huh.
She's a trip.
She's so funny.
She does trailer trash Tammy.
Yeah, she's so.
Yeah, they come.
I met her at Luke Bryan's house.
Oh, did you?
Yeah.
Their video of her and Luke Bryan's mom.
I was there that day.
You were?
I was there that day.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, they had a big charity event at their house.
Can we watch it?
I don't know if we can watch it on here right now.
Oh, my God.
It was so fun.
His mom's Luke Bryan's mom.
She's out there smoking a cigarette.
She was driving around with a golf cart smoking.
Yeah.
Okay, Luke Bryan and his wife Caroline asked me to help prank Luke's mom.
This is Chelsea.
He's like telling his mom that this girl's been stalking him.
Yeah.
He's telling his mom his mom's having a cigarette.
They're standing by a golf course.
This is shot on a phone, it looks like, too.
And here comes Chelsea.
That's his backyard.
It is?
Look!
Look at her!
Look!
Look!
Go!
Get in security!
Get in security!
Go!
Hey!
I got her!
For the first time of the month!
I got her!
Get on your stomach!
Get out.
You hurt me.
Get out.
I can't breathe.
You hurt me.
Get me.
Get her.
Get her.
Give me five minutes with your an apple breath!
Really?
Oh really?
I will breath!
Come on!
Come on!
Really?
Come on!
Really?
Really?
Come on!
Come on, bitch!
Mama!
12 days of pranks.
Oh my god, she falls down like they so funny.
They prank each other all the time at Christmas.
He killed his mother with death, man.
That is insane.
So Luke's wife, Caroline, is a big pranker.
Oh, really?
So every year, she does 12 days of pranksmas.
So this was like they said, this was months before Christmas.
She set this up because they had a big charity event at their house.
Did you get a golf tournament?
It was like a bunch of stuff.
It was like gun range.
It was putting.
It was fishing.
It was like a day outside.
And they played like music and stuff and raised money for the Brett Boyer Foundation, which helps kids with heart defects and down syndrome and stuff like that.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Yeah.
Dang, that sounds like fun.
Oh, it was awesome because you talk about getting back to my roots.
Like, I don't get to do stuff like that very often.
You know, live in LA.
I'm on tour all the time.
Yeah.
Like, just to go to somebody's farm and like fish.
Yeah.
You know, just shooting targets and stuff.
And they had skeet shooting.
Oh, really?
Yeah, it was awesome.
And then they had like the, all the, like, Jason Aldean, all these guys were playing music with him that night.
And Kid Rock came out.
He did?
Yeah.
Was it in Nashville?
It was, yeah, in Nashville at their, they have like a house in this, like, a farm.
Is it in Leapers Fork out there?
No.
I don't, I honestly don't know.
They like shuttle you somewhere because, you know, they don't want people knowing where they live.
Oh, yeah.
Blind soldier.
Put you in a trash bag.
That's awesome.
What's so funny is like my fiancé's like, you know, lived in Chicago 12 years and then it's from Michigan.
And they go, do you guys want to shoot a rifle?
We're like, yeah, we'll try it.
And so they had like five targets.
And I try shoot, I hit like the target maybe once.
She gets the rifle and she's like, pew, pew, pew, I'm like, what the fuck?
She nailed all five targets without even like flinching.
I'm just like, oh.
Kindergarten cop, huh?
Kindergarten cop, 100%.
Damn, that didn't surprise him.
Like, okay.
Y'all can pay her a security.
That's right.
Yeah, she'll protect me.
I'm the puss.
Our alarm went off one time and she, and I was like, we got to wait for the cops.
She's like, no, I'm going in.
And I stood in the doorway.
I was like, I have my hand on the panic button of the alarm system.
Should anything happen to you?
I'm of no use.
Don't let this big body fool you.
I'm like, that's when I become very straight.
Help me.
Help.
Theo, I need a man.
Oh, she'll be like, you're supposed to be the butch one.
I'm like, what are you talking about?
Get your man boobs over here.
Oh, man, that's hilarious.
Yeah, I'm so excited for your special.
Yeah, that's how it worked.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Did they call you half?
Yeah, I had one.
Yeah, let me see.
2015, I think.
And they came out and saw me.
And then they said, yep, we'll do a special.
They gave us like a certain budget.
Yeah.
And that was it.
You shot yours in New Orleans?
Shot mine in New Orleans.
And I really wish I hadn't just because, yeah.
I am glad my mom got to be there.
I think mom got to be there.
A lot of family and friends got to come.
So that was the best part was just them getting to be part of the experience.
The tough part was just people there had not, there hadn't been a lot of comedy there.
Same with me.
So a lot of people didn't know what to do.
They didn't know when you were joking.
Sometimes they didn't know.
One person was yelling defense for half the thing.
They thought it was like a sporting thing.
Oh my God.
The lady's yelling defense.
They had to throw her out.
Oh, my God.
This lady's out of her fucking mind, dude.
Yeah, I had a similar thing where the show started like an hour late because, you know, you're filming, they're setting up the stage and everything.
So people were like pissed about that.
And you're just kind of like, well, at tapings, it's different than a regular show.
At tapings, they do kind of start late because they're trying to get all the stuff.
They've hit cameras and lights.
So everybody got hammered in the like.
Oh, an hour of just people pounding it.
But people were so excited for me.
And I appreciate that.
I love that.
They were like, you know, they were yelling at me my whole set.
Oh, wow.
Some gay guys were even yelling, lesbian, like as a term of endearment.
But I'm like, dude, I don't want lesbian being yelled out during my entire Netflix tip thing.
They're going to, like, some editor is going to have to be like, oh, you know, going through this whole thing.
Yeah, it's funny.
People don't realize, like, you don't just cheer the whole time.
Yeah.
Like, just listen to the show.
Right.
Some people are like, we're going to cheer.
We're going to fucking let them know.
It's like, they're going to know.
Yeah, I had one woman who, when I would say the punchline or whatever, she got, that's right.
And I'd be like, no.
Or like, yep, that happened to me.
This was my first show.
I had to be like, ma'am, I love you, but can like you not do that?
And she kept doing it.
Like, yep, that, and finally went, shut the fuck up.
It was bonkers.
And then the second show started late, too.
They had been drinking all night.
So it was rowdy.
It was rowdy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I, I'm glad I, the same, I'm glad I did it there because I got to share that with friends and family.
But, you know, it's risky.
It is.
Yeah.
Because people think it's just a party.
We're coming out to party.
Exactly.
Which a live show is.
Yeah.
Any live show, you're just like, yeah, I want you to have the most fun ever.
Let's fucking have the best hour and a half ever.
Yell what you want.
We'll do it.
Yeah.
But at a taping, you're like, oh, I gotta.
You just gotta get this done.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's tough to be up there and be a comedian and also trying to feel like you have to kind of like produce, you know, like, you know, be a, you know, a controller as well.
That part was the most interesting because it's harder to like stay in the moment, you know, like, cause a live show, it's just like so natural and you're just like, I'm connecting with you, you're connecting with me.
But like when you're taping, the producer part of you is like, oh, I messed that lineup.
You kind of like, or you're like thinking about where you're standing.
There's something a little more unnatural about it.
But then by the second show that night, it was like, okay, let's just, let's just do this.
Yeah.
Yeah, it gets to be, yeah, let's just do this.
Yeah, the second time, yeah, you're like, yeah, you just start to realize, okay, there's things I can control, things I can't.
Let me just do my best.
Well, you know, like I said, I just want people to watch it.
January 21st.
January 21st on that foot.
Sweet and salty.
I love it.
That's so exciting.
Where are you going to watch it?
I'll be in New York doing press.
So I guess somewhere in New York.
And then I leave like two days later to film a movie.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I'm going to Puerto Rico.
Oh, wow.
I never filmed there before, but it should be fun.
To San Juan, do you know?
San Juan, yeah.
I'm flying to San Juan to shoot for two days on that movie, then flying to Pittsburgh to shoot a day on another movie, flying out on the red eye that night to go back to San Juan, and as soon as I land, I go back to filming.
Damn.
It's crazy.
But it's good.
I mean, I'm always been trying to balance the stand-up acting life.
I'm just happy that anybody wants to hire me.
So if that's what it takes, I'll do it.
Yeah, you've always done what it takes, it sounds like.
Yeah.
I mean, I come from, you know, I come from very nice working folks.
My mom was a special ed teacher for 30 years.
Wow.
My dad worked at a trucking company.
And then the last 10 years, he's basically been a janitor at an elementary school.
Oh, wow.
Like in charge, he's a janitor, but also he's in charge of the janitors there.
So I'm very like working class.
Like we didn't have much growing up.
And you just learned from an early age.
You got to work.
Nothing's handed to you.
And, you know, I started working at the recreation department when I was like 15. Did you really?
Lining softball fields and picking up trash.
At the rec department.
What was it called?
Belmont Recreation Department.
BRD, they called it.
And I loved it.
And, you know, but we just, when I moved to LA, I had $25 in my pocket.
You just figure it out, you know?
Yeah.
You're just like, I have a goal.
I want to keep a roof over my head.
And for me, it was never about trying to be famous or anything.
I didn't think someone like me could be on TV.
I was like, I just want to pay my bills.
And, you know, there were times where before I got like Chelsea lately, I like had no, I was done with money and nothing.
But I was, and it like scared me because I thought, well, I can't like call my parents.
They can't bail me out of a rent or something.
But there was something in me that knew like, even if you have nothing, I'll go work at a Starbucks.
Yeah.
I'll go work at a UPS.
I don't give a shit.
I'll do whatever it takes to pay the bills and I'll figure it out.
Yeah, there is something nice when you have a family member, you grow up having like just an understanding of how to figure things out.
You know, I feel like that's one thing I learned as I get older.
I see sometimes there's people that depend on other people to figure things out for them.
And there's people that are able to figure things out for themselves.
It's a beautiful thing if you've had to figure things out for yourself.
Yeah.
Because it's such a, I mean, that's the, it's just such a skill.
You know, it's such a skill that some people don't even realize they don't have.
They're like, oh, I need the government to do this or I need, you know, like, it's like, yeah, to have that skill to be able to survive.
You got to be able to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.
You know, like, I find the people that I know who've been handed things their whole life, they don't know how to function sometimes.
And you're like, come on, dude.
Like, tighten up.
Yeah.
And it's just like, as hard as it was growing up with like, you know, we had, I'm not saying I had it worse anybody else, but, you know, we, but yeah.
There were times where the lights were cut out.
There was, you know, the water bill hadn't been paid.
And you just are like, all right, we, you know, we at a young age would pull our money together and be like, all right, let's pay the water bill.
You know, you just figure it out.
And so my mom is a teacher.
Like in the summers, she had to go get a job waitress in a Sizzler type restaurant.
Oh, yeah, I used to like Sizzler.
Yeah, it was called Quincy's.
Oh, was it really?
Yeah.
That sounds good.
It was, there's no ego in it.
Like, it was embarrassing for her.
She had to wait on like friends, families, and stuff.
But there's no ego when it comes to taking care of yourself and your family.
You just got to do what you got to do.
So I think it helped prepare me for LA, for this business, because, you know, it's like, I'm lucky that I'm working, but I don't know.
I don't know what's going to happen.
Yeah, you can't.
Yeah, you have to.
There's no city that'll make you survive, I don't feel like, like here.
Yeah.
And I was here, you know, eight years before I made a dime at this.
So I had to do other jobs, you know, you just figure out other ways to make money.
Yeah.
And yeah, so I'm just always like hustling as a result.
I never stop.
Yeah, well, and that's a nice thing.
Some of that never stops, you know.
I think that thing never stops, like the desire to achieve or to figure it out.
Well, the flip side of it is that you're so consumed with this being secure and making sure you're never in that position again is that you almost work too much.
Too much, yeah.
Where I spread myself pretty thin.
But I'm doing what I love.
So at least I got that part.
You know, I don't think my dad loved being a janitor.
Yeah.
But you got to do what you got to do.
So at least I love my job and I get to do really cool things.
Yeah.
It's true.
I love sweeping though.
I fucking love sweeping.
I would have been a good janitor, man.
My mom used to put me outside and I would sweep, man.
I'd sweep everything.
I'd sweep stuff that wasn't ours.
I'd sweep the cars.
I'd sweep the damn sidewalks.
I'd go sweeping halfway down the damn block.
Oh, my God.
I don't have to come get me.
That's hilarious.
That's not ours.
Come back.
Yeah.
My dad's big thing was doing floors.
He was good at stripper.
Yeah, that buffer.
He'd strip floors and wax them, and that was his big thing.
I used to ride on that buffer.
Sometimes they had this one man, Jerry, that was a janitor, and he would let me ride on that fucking buffer for half a minute.
I bet he did.
Hey, you want to ride on this buffer?
Oh, yeah.
If you mean the machine, yeah.
if you're talking about that, you got it.
Dude, he's like, yeah, sure.
That's what I was referring to.
One time, these two janitors are walking down the hall.
I just told this story yesterday.
And one of them said to the other one, he goes, hey, did you set the chairs up in the gym?
Mr. Ford's going to be speaking in there this afternoon.
And the guy goes, President Ford?
And the guy goes, fuck no, Mr. Ford, the science teacher.
President Bargain Ford.
That's right.
Get those good chairs out.
It was just so baffling to me.
And also beautiful how this man is just working in this school every day and thinking, hey, man, the president might show up.
Right.
It could happen.
It could happen.
Fortune Themster, thank you so much.
Of course, Theo.
For being here.
It's always lovely talking to you.
It's such a good time.
This is one of my favorite chats that we've had in here.
January 21st on Netflix.
Yeah, Sweet and Salty.
And I'll share it on social media.
I'm excited for you.
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
Yeah, you bet.
Thanks for coming in.
buddy.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself on wine shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song I will sing it just for you.
And now I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of my hand.
5. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Wow!
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
