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I'm just sitting on your front porch, wondering how could I be so far from my home and my mom is somewhere else.
But when I find it, I'm patched up where it's just a little bit of a business.
Come on, man.
Let's go.
Come on, baby, come on.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my snoring.
Shine on me and I will be.
Final song singing just for you.
Shine.
Oh, shine.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, oh, oh.
What sound do you make if you, if you, if you step on something that you don't want to be stepping on?
I do that a lot of times.
And sometimes if it's really, I'll do that sometimes, bro, if I'm really feeling soft, you know?
Like if I've been pleasuring myself and I don't have like a lot of man power in my body and I and I step on something and I step on a thumbtack or a you know a sewing pointer needle then I'll then I'll do that you know I'll make that sound kind of no that one that one's too fake that one I don't really make
this is the end of the year this is the end of the year 2019 2019 we knew it would end we knew it would end when we got into it and Santa's come everybody's popped through Santa um who else Wolverine who else came out this year the Avengers I don't even know everybody it
happened it's done 2019 almost in el libros in the books in the books and I'm just trying to get some of the sounds that are stuck in my body from the year I'm trying to just get them out of me you know you ever want to do that sometimes I just want to just oh sometimes I just want to get a little
bitty freaking evil person just like a little bitty just like a little devil and I just want to just choke him uh I want to choke him okay good to be here um happy almost new year to you I hope that the the holiday was a good one for you I hope that you got what you wanted you had fun you uh you did what you wanted to do I went down to Louisiana
and I enjoyed myself you know I watched the children open their gifts you know the kids got you know Bobby and Janet got us got scooters you know little Leroy got a damn you know tickle and doll or something it wasn't a tickle me elmo but it was just like a kind of a cheaper one and it just somebody wrote tickle me on the side of it it was like a tickle me uh um
he-man or something or tickle me um i don't even know it honestly looked like a little bit of like a kind of a soft statue of al rocker but you know some bootleg toys and shit like that because you christmas man anything you could get dude if it's an infant too you give him anything bruh give him a little fucking give him a little um little dime sack of uh sawdust you know you give anything to a beautiful infant
but i had fun had fun spent time with the the fam hung out with my mother we had a nice time i gave her some earrings um my what oh the kids got merch my nieces and nephews got merch man and they were stoked about it so that's that that's you know i didn't just pick it up i ordered it for them you know i'm not just you know doing that but
yeah it was good man what else i went to we did the charity show in lafayette so thank everybody that came out out from there we actually had a caller that called in about it let's hear this yo what up theo this is dustin what's up dustin thank you for calling brother onward i just seen your show in lafayette and i was waiting line for a meet and greet and i had the pee.
So my girl gave me a water bottle to go in the car and, you know, run Big Yellow.
Oh, yeah, dude.
I know what you're talking about, bro.
Doing that little, just doing that, just doing that self-drip by yourself in a car, peeing into a thing.
Yeah, peeing into somebody's, you know, peeing into a water bottle or peeing into, you know, if somebody has big hands and they put them together like a bowl for you or something.
Just something so you don't have to use a regular plumbing vestibule.
Onward?
Well, I fucked around and left the cap on and I peed on myself while waiting in line.
But we still got it done.
And I still met you.
The show was awesome.
Gang gang, bruh.
Gang gang, bruh.
That's it.
Or as my mother said when she was leaving the venue the other night, my mother came out.
My brother and his lovely wife came out.
She said, gang gang, darling.
That's what she said in the distance, man.
So that really, that really freaking just, that made me laugh, man.
It was real funny.
But thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks for coming out, Dustin.
And the fundraising, the meet and greet, all of that for Dustin Poirier's Charity, the Good Fight Foundation.
It was fun.
Dustin came out, his beautiful wife.
You know, it was just, man, Lafayette really showed out.
They really showed out, man.
So thank you for everybody that came, South Louisiana and just people, people came from all over.
And it was a time, boy.
It was a time.
Yeah, dude, look, I feel you, man.
I've done that thing where you're trying to pee into something.
In college, a lot of young men will pee into things instead of going to the toilet.
You know, you'll pee in, you know, you'll pee in a couple of milk jugs or something.
Dude, I'll tell you this.
They had, when I was working in Charleston, when I was working in Charleston, South Carolina, they had a smoothie outfit over there I worked at.
And it was a bootleg kind of health and wellness shop.
And it was called Frozen Options was the name.
It was like a startup smoothie deal.
Frozen Options.
And self-tanning.
Eventually, but that came later.
And they had a manager.
The guy was just some guy who was basically trying to hire people and then have sex, you know, trying to hook up with the lady, trying to hire cute chicks or even busted chicks and get them to do a lot of tanning until they looked attractive and then make love to them.
You know, I think that was kind of some of his, you know, business model because he was kind of sad on the inside a little.
But anyway, yeah, I worked at Frozen Options, right?
And I don't know why I thought of this, but so at one point we got the tanning beds.
And they had a man that came in one time, an urban gentleman, bruh, you know, kind of, you know, a darker man.
And he wanted to do the tanning bed.
And so I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I, you know, you don't want to tell anybody no that they shouldn't do the tanning bed.
But this guy, you know, he's already, God kind of put him in the tanning bed a little already.
So the Lord's got his, you know, he's got that base.
And because I never seen a black guy get into a tanning bed before.
So, dude, he would come, he would come.
And about the third or fourth time he came, I realized something might have been wrong with him a little bit.
But I don't know if something was.
Something also might not have been wrong with him.
He could have not been wrong, you know, or nothing.
But anyway, dude, so the crazy, so the wild part is I used to get high back then.
That's when I was smoking a lot of weed and making exotic shakes for people.
Somebody'd roll in, I'd hit them with that fucking peanut butter and menthol, fucking, that medium, bro.
There you go.
They're like, it's not cold.
I'm like, who gives a damn?
They said it's called frozen options.
I said, well, this is one of the options, baby.
Okay.
One of the options is not cold.
Right?
And you got that.
You know, I'll fucking hit somebody with that pineapple walnut little baby shake.
You know, I'm the kind of dude I'll fucking just squeeze four cherries, just strangle four cherries in the palm of my hand and then just drip the, just open my hand up and then just drip it right into your mouth.
You know, I'll put two blueberries under your tongue, bro, and hide a fucking pecan in your ass, bro, and slap your cousin, dog.
And that's right there, that's $4.75.
You know, I'm the kind of guy I'm serving up different options.
So anyway, dude, the story's a little bit vulgar, but, you know, talking about urinating and having to, you know, handle body and handle body, you know, things that come out of your body in places.
But anyway, so one time the man went in there and he had something that happened to him.
And I heard him laughing in there for a little bit or yelling or something.
I'm not sure.
And dude, I'm not the kind of, look, if somebody's in a tanning bed and they're going through some shit, I'm not opening that bitch up.
Okay?
It's a nine, they're in there for nine minutes or 11 minutes, I think this dude.
And he was getting blacker.
He was getting more, you know.
I mean, he was definitely, I don't know if he was trying to get better at sports.
I don't know why.
I still have no idea why this man was trying to get darkened out.
But he was fucking, you know, he was really he started out about like a like a like a Mahomes and he finished up like around a little bit of like a kind of a kind of a kind of more of a crisp denzel so that's really the range he was in you know or but anyway so anyway he had a bowel bowel accident or a BM my grandmother used to call it you know when you basically you have a boot you know you
you do throwing a little booty work out of your you know it's this is sorry this is vulgar to talk about but the man had a poop or something in the what is that thing called space shuttle no it's a uh like a hot like a little toaster fuck I was just talking about it um tanning bed the man had a little accident there well dude I you know I'm working in the shake shop bro and this was a startup so you know maybe you got two
employees so the other employee was this chick dude and she was bro this chick was addicted to tanning but anyway uh so anyway i had to go i had to clean the thing i had to clean the um i had to clean the the self the tanning bed of the you know feces bro feces or whatever excrement but dude i don't know anyway so i don't know if i cleaned it that good or what happened but anyway over about the next probably three months
dude probably about probably about nine people got pink eye from the tanning bed at frozen options and self-tanning and um and damn dude i and then i would start seeing people around town with pink eye and i would just feel bad bro and i knew i dude i cleaned that thing so hard but i think i just you know you can only it's the it's the dark arts man you
know you can only clean if somebody's in a in a bunker in a fucking in that body bunker just getting that tan on and you and they blow up you know they throw some body work out into the deal out of their bottom you can't always no matter what you clean it with i mean you know the lord himself could hand you a mop and you're not going to get it all up but uh and then dude the place went under and we sold the they sold the
tanning bed so i can't even imagine how many people got got that itchy eye bruh you feel me but hey things happen man things happen sometimes so if you've ever had pink eye in charleston i'm just saying man that's one of the options dude that's one of the options bruh because i worked in the smoothie place dude i remember one time this lady came in this lady was a damn
muppet and she looked at the sign and all the different fruits and different options and she came up and she goes what's blueberries and i fucking lost my mind because this lady is probably about 40 years old what's blueberries and she just had never heard of them so but then on the same foot man on the other side of the bunion or whatever they say i got to also serve that lady
the first serving of blueberries she ever had you know because that's what i do i'm the kind of guy bruh you know i'm saying i'll put fucking five blueberries into an oyster close that bitch up put it in put it in your mouth and fucking braid your hair bruh and that's fucking nine dollars dog that's a medium that's a medium that's how i do it dude you know i'm saying i'll take a hit off of a hot giant blow it in your cup blow it straight up your cousin's freaking pie hole bruh you know that uh
that that just just shotgun it right into his mouth you know put a necktie on his ass take him to fucking up take him to a uh you know take him to a um down by the train tracks and fucking tickle his ass until the number six comes bruh and that's seven dollars dog that's a large so that's the kind of that's that's who you get that's what you get from me when you get the different options
um but thank you for coming out man thank you for coming out over there uh to the show in lafayette uh i got some shows coming up i'm going to europe literally in like five or six days i'm going to europe um coming up i'll be in uh i'm gonna be in manchester england uh dublin glasgow um uh edinburgh no i'm not even sure uh some
other places places that are still on sale are uh oslo norway january 14th stockholm sweden january 15th las vegas nevada i'm coming back january 31st and and february 1st at the mirage oroville casino i'm coming back i've been there about two years ago february 15th that late valentine's day hitter get that love hitter that fucking that little layorta
monkey bruh feed two bananas to your lady bruh and i'll tickle her until she starts swinging from the branches you feel me that monkey play toronto february 20th is now on sale the other two nights are sold out and then um oxen hill maryland february 26th as well denver uh january 20 i think fourth or fifth or sixth or maybe all three of those dates all the tickets are available at uh theovon.com
slash tour um what else what else is happening i i don't know i you know i've been thinking about dude i'm thinking about maybe looking for a different place to live uh i don't know that's all i got dude i'm excited i think for the new year it's kind of scary at the end of a year um But
it's nice too because it's a reminder.
It's like the calendar is like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
You're like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
You know, it's like a little bit of a free procrastination kind of, or free like, hey, here you go.
It's like a remind, like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Remember?
You're like, oh, yeah, yeah.
Because if there was like 2,000 months in the year, fuck, you might never even make it to summer.
Let's get a call that came into the hotline right here.
985-664-9503 is always the deal.
Oh, let me comment on this.
Bobby Lee, who obviously named after General Robert E. Lee.
And a lot of you guys know Bobby Lee.
He's a beautiful Korean or semi-Korean comedian.
And he has a podcast called Tiger's Belly, which is also a rare food, I think.
It's a rare food.
And it's also a nickname for diarrhea, which is then a nickname for Nick Swartson.
But I'm going to tell you, Bobby Lee decided to drop a little homage, which is French and also, I think, is a cheese, to your boy by getting the same haircut.
So, Bobby, you want to step out here to my heritory, bruh?
That's what I'm seeing here.
But let me tell you that it's not just a, what you wandered into, Robert, is not just a style, man.
It's an embodiment of something bigger than yourself.
Dude, it's that BYO Tarzan, bro.
It's like having something just swinging off the back of you.
You know what I'm saying, dude?
Anybody could just have hair.
Tons of things have hair, dude.
Even some women have a little bit of hair on their chin, bruh.
You know, and they might work at the library or whatever.
But what I'm telling you, Robert, or Bobby, as you go by, which is obviously a racist name.
But I'm telling you this, Bobby, that you can't just try to embody my fucking follicle karate, bruh.
You feel me?
You can't just try and duplicate my Gator cape, baby.
Okay?
Because you hear.
When I turn my head, you hear that fucking whoop.
You hear that tail flip around, bruh.
That thing, whoop pee.
That thing will bite a baby at Disney World, bro.
I ain't playing.
This haircut ain't playing, Robert.
And I saw you the other day, Bobby, and you look like a Rosie O Donald.
That's what you was looking like, man, with your long hair.
I seen it.
And now you're trying to come at your boy.
And the slept kingdom wants to challenge the rat kingdom.
Well, let me just tell you, little daddy, that this is a working man's cut.
This isn't one of these sleeping cuts that you like.
Your hair before would have tested positive for tempurpedicness.
What I'm saying is you're going to have to wake up, Bobby, because the haircut you have now that you've grown in, that you come into, this adult men's haircut, before you had a children's cut.
You know, kind of a thick child maybe that had never done well on standardized tests and then was put into a unique school for children that learn more by shapes and by, you know, soft items.
But now you have a real senior's haircut, man, a man's cut.
And this is a full-bodied style.
You know, this thing has aroma coming off of it.
You know, you got that haircut now, man.
Look, I'll tell you, sometimes I turn around and there'll be six raccoons behind me and two of them doing dice, bruh.
And one of them's cutting up a gram.
So it's just, you're entering a realm that I don't know if you're prepared for.
And I don't know if you're welcome.
Let's take a Patreon question here.
Have you watched DeLeah on the show you?
No, I haven't.
And what are your thoughts on him playing the ultimate creeper of children?
I couldn't wait to hear your thoughts.
You know, Chris DeLeah is the embodiment of the dark arts.
And people know it.
And he knows it.
If you put your ear up to Chris DeLeah's hand, you can hear a bunch of bullshit.
You know, and there's a lot of rumors that go around about him.
You know, somebody said when he was a baby that they had other babies that had to live in his crib and work for him.
And they would do all kind of stuff, and those babies wouldn't get any milk.
And some of those babies, they just, they'd get so dehydrated that their eyes would be dry.
And sometimes instead of giving them water, he would crawl over by them in the crib and just lick their eyes.
And man, that hurts me knowing that he could have done that kind of stuff.
And there's other stories out there too about him.
You know, somebody said that his hair actually is armpit hair from a very tall man's armpit.
And that Chris kind of bored the guy to death one night by just yelling, oops, over and over again.
And the guy finally couldn't take it anymore.
And his brain and heart shattered at the same time.
And then, and Chris trimmed his arm, the man's, you know, that pit hair, that fucking tertiary little, that little, because the armpit, dude, it's almost like a vagina.
There's just no entrance.
And rumor is that Chris then trimmed that hair there and sewed it into his own head.
Yeah.
So it's just, you know, there's a lot of, there's a lot going on out there, and you want to be prepared.
That's what I'm telling you.
You also want to know that it's the time of year where you need to look real hard in the mirror.
And that's true, man.
Are you happy with where you are?
And you could be anywhere, Hawaii, Toledo, bankruptcy.
Did you make the right choices with your life?
Are you the person you want to be?
If you're listening to my voice on this podcast right now, the answer is obviously yes.
That being said, so much of getting what you want in life is learning new skills.
And there's no better place to do that than Skillshare.
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What you find just might surprise and inspire you.
Personally, I'm taking Simon Sinek's How to Share Ideas That Inspire Action.
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All right, let's get to another call here.
As always, the hotline 985-664-9503.
Hey, Theo, Gang Gang, brother.
Gang Gang, Amigo.
Or friend, onward.
Hey, my name's Jesse out of Sewer, Florida here.
Out of Sewer, Florida.
I've never heard of that, man, but I'm not shocked.
A lot of stuff happens in Florida.
A lot of things, man.
The first 48, synchronized swimming, shipwrecks, what else?
A lot of waterborne disease.
And also, the NFL Super Bowl will be there this year.
And that's where you may see the New Orleans Saints.
New Island Saints.
Let's go on, Jesse Onward.
And I used to know a guy named Jesse, too.
And he was a Christian prize fighter.
And he would often beat the Lord and some people.
Gang, let's hear it.
Just wanted to call in, man.
I was just listening to the podcast on my way home from work.
And I heard you guys talk about the single mothers thing, man, and what you guys are doing for them.
You know, it just got me thinking, you know, how much I love my mother.
And, you know, I just wanted to call and say thank you for letting me feel that feeling, I guess.
Feeling this overwhelming sense of love for my mom right now.
You gave that to me.
All right.
Gang, gang.
Gang, bruh.
You're welcome, man.
You know, it's funny because when you just said that, it made me, you know, sometimes I just get this feeling in my face.
It kind of starts behind my nose a little.
And then it gets into my eyes.
And it's like an emotional feeling.
And then I can feel it a little bit in the back of my throat.
Yeah, and it's like this emotional feeling, man.
And yeah, I appreciate thank you for the call.
Yeah, I got to see my mother this past weekend.
And then...
Yeah.
You know, it's and we had three single mothers that came out, too.
I want to thank everyone from Patreon for supporting and all you guys just for listening and supporting, for supporting the ads.
And, you know, last year we sent Christmas cards with the financial gift to all of the single moms that have ever been associated with the show.
And I'm not saying that because I want you, I need any sort of, oh, you're like, you're cool, Theo, or anything like that.
I just, you know, I want these moms to know that we care about them and that we don't forget about them.
Because that's important.
You know, it's important not just to let moms know that, but, you know, it's important that people know that they are cared about.
But no, we had some beautiful mothers that came out, and it was nice for my own mother to be there in Lafayette.
It was nice to have the single moms, three beautiful ladies.
We had dinner before.
I'm actually going to give them all a call tomorrow and we're going to do something nice for them.
But just want to thank everybody for supporting the Patreon.
And I'm glad that you had a nice thought about your mother and that you had a thought that's bigger than just in our brains.
Because I like the thoughts that make me, that get in, that are, because anybody could get a thought in their head, man.
I like a thought that takes over my being.
You know, a thought that comes from somewhere, I don't know.
From somewhere that's bigger than us.
Gang shit, dog.
That's what I'm trying to say, dog.
You know what I'm saying?
And that's a fucking medium, bruh.
Oh, you come in, you don't have any shoes on over at Frozen Options, dude?
Oh, well, how about this, bruh?
I'll throw a fucking half a gram of oat milk, couple two Winston's in there, dude.
Two Winston longs in there, 112s.
You know, I'll throw in two scoops of strawberry.
You know, a little bit of creme de cocoa, bruh, that coconut crema.
And I'll fucking whip that bitch up and pour it right into your damn brazier and chill them tets off.
You feel me?
And that's a large right there.
So I'm just telling you at frozen options, we got different things.
You want pink eye from the tanning bed?
We got it.
So shout out to anybody in Charleston, South Carolina who has ever gotten pink eye to go with that base, bro.
If you got that healthy base tan, you may also, if you got that itch, bro, you got a little bit of downtown in your uptown, you feel me?
And I tried my best to clean that bed, man, but we were understaffed over there.
My God, we were understaffed.
And it just, we were better than that.
But what also was that man doing coming to tan, bruh.
Because, dude, I remember in high school, they had kids who had kept trying to tan because of thinking they'd be better at sports and shit.
You know, and we had one dude, this guy Clint, and he was, bruh, he looked like he fucking, like he was best friends with the son.
Because he just looked damn, I mean, he could have, he could have worked with the NAACP.
He was dark.
But he didn't look like a black guy or like a, you know, he didn't look like a black kid.
He just looked.
Actually, I guess sometimes he did because he ended up dating.
You know, he ended up getting hit on more often by black girls.
And this is also, you know, 18 years ago or whenever.
But damn, bro.
You know, people do anything to try to be, you know, to get above the rim.
They really will.
Let's take another call.
Here we go.
Theo.
Hey, man, it's Toby Tomplay.
What's up, Toby?
And I used to live near a boy named Toby growing up, named Chris Jones, and named Toby.
And he never said much, man, but he always had a little bit of a grin on his face.
And I asked him one time why they call him Toby, and he didn't know.
Let's hear more.
Calling from right here in the booth, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
Actually, I lie in Prairieville, Louisiana.
Over there, Prairieville.
My sister used to work over there over in Point.
Where is that?
Right across the river.
She worked at a bar over there, Tiger Plaza or something.
Tiger Bar in Pierre Park.
She over there across the river, bro.
Gang.
Anyway, man, I was inspired the other day.
I just discovered your show a few weeks ago, and a gentleman called in, and he said he had that monkey on his back.
And he said he was fighting his addiction, and that he had three beautiful kids that were dependent on him.
And he was reaching out.
And the whole time listening, I'm going, he says, tell me you believe in him.
Tell me you believe in him.
And I almost picked up the phone and write this and called him, but I listened to the rest of it.
And he said, dude, I believe in you.
And that's awesome.
And I just wanted to tell this guy.
I don't think he left his name, but I'm sure he's probably listening to your podcast.
Hey, man, I believe in you too.
And the kids believe in you.
And they can pitch on you.
And you know that, man.
Just keep on doing it, bro.
Just keep doing what you're doing and showing up, man.
Gang gang.
And you get that hitter.
I don't even know what that means yet because I just started listening to your show, but it sounds cool.
So I'm going to say it anyway.
All right, Theo.
Keep on doing your thing, bro.
Peace and love.
Enjoy your holidays, bro.
Amen, man.
And happy New Year to you.
Yeah, man.
It's wild when somebody's going through that toughness.
When somebody's, because we all take turns, man.
We all take turns on the merry-go-round.
And, you know, and it takes us around.
And sometimes it's taking you by the gumdrops.
And sometimes it's taking you by the, you know, the ladies out there with the freaking, you know, with the soft tits and everything.
And scooping you out freaking, you know, a little souffle or something.
And sometimes you come around and you pass, you know, a beautiful garden.
And sometimes you pass a knife shop.
And sometimes you pass a mirror, bro.
And we all go around this time where we pass that mirror.
And you get that reflection of yourself.
And you, you know, we just, you get, you know, but you get a reflection.
Like, I wish they had a mirror that was like for our feet, for like who we are, bro, like the inside of us.
I wish they had that mirror where you could stand in front of it and it would say, oh, don't you see, this is how you're seeing yourself.
And I don't know.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
But thank you.
Thank you for your sentiment, man.
You know, I believe that we will at some point in time develop another, we will find that there's another level of communication that we are, that we are just learning.
It's another language or something That connects us all at a much greater level than what we're doing now or than the most common form of communication now, which is texting or fucking yelling at somebody or fist fighting at a damn Popeye chicken.
And dude, I'll be honest, bro.
Popeye chicken, dog, if y'all can't fucking if y'all can't figure the shit out.
I mean, they got one in Louisiana over there on St. Charles Avenue, and every year they got a couple of Muppets over there gunning each other down, bruh, for no fucking reason.
And it ain't Mardi Gras until they pop off over there by the Papaisa.
I'm going to tell you this, man, is there anything more satisfying than watching an underdog knock out his opponent, helping you cash a big money line ticket?
No, there isn't.
You know, I laid a wager.
I laid a wager on my bookie.
Two weeks ago, I bet Denver, and then I bet New Orleans to win this week, and I need LSU to win the whole thing.
So I need them to win in a couple weeks or next week, whenever that game is.
And I'm going to make me, I think, about $1,500.
So it was a risky move.
I just laid $100, which is a good amount.
But it was a big payoff.
So three games.
But my Bookie has better bonuses and more MMA odds than any other sports book, period.
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bed bro i cleaned it i can't even tell you how many times because people come in bro and they go tan in it one girl's like i'm gonna stay in there for about 19 minutes i was like damn she definitely gonna get pink eye she's gonna get pink eye in her dang buttocks dude because that is that's too long in there if you in there baking and they still got them body remnants from your boy dark tanyan bruh you know the fifth uh fencer
the fifth um what is that movie called the fifth musketeer uh let's take another call here here we go 985-6629 shit i'd have forgot the number bruh good good that's okay onward it's your boy sean calling from minneapolis minnesota boy big sean hey sean oh hey sean
hey sean hey sean hey sean yeah sean onward seanward horrible joke just figured i'd hit that hotline you know i'm 20 years old man but you're not i was addicted to them dark arts you know for for a good three four years man wow you were addicted for three or four years and you're only 20.
so you that early riser you that worm bro first bird first bird to the house gets the worm daddy let's hear it i'm 16 so never graduated high school you know man i'm 20 fuck yeah i know dude hell you could probably get a job right now at frozen options baby you feel me come on in baby come on in we got roller skates we got tanning what's blueberries we got them frozen options
oh you have it oh what do you want that cowboy special huh i'll take two hits of uh i'll take two dips of um of long cut throw that in the blender i'll take a uh i'll take a half of a pap's blue ribbon throw toothing of um nutmeg in there and then drop a fucking copy of reader's digest in that bitch mix it up that's a medium for
you boy gang let's hear it 20 years old i'm back in high school and shit like i just wondered man like do you got any advice for a 20 year old kid still in high school man like shit be weird sometimes like i'm in here spraying for breed because i don't even know what to do with myself like i have friends you know but they all be doing the dope still that that nose can you feel me so it's like what do i do bro i'm in high school but all these kids bro it's like all they want to do is do drugs too man so i was just trying to you know i figured
i'd hit the highline then gang thanks for hitting it daddy thanks for hitting it you little fucking buttercat you out there trying to stay on that dust but it sounds like you live in dust troy here's the thing brother if you gonna do drugs that's your choice it sounds like you've been through it and you're out the other side so i'd let that rainbow stay where it's at because you
know a friend of mine told me recently he said drugs it's like a bill it's like a tab and you order you keep running the tab up and running the tab up and running the tab up on your body or on whatever and at some point you know go or the devil or whoever says okay you got to pay the tab now and you might have to pay it with your health you might have to pay it with jail time you might have to pay it with your life you know nobody wants to think about that but so you know it's just running
that tab how long do you want to run that tab how much risk do you want to take that's what it is bro if i'm 20 years old in high school dog well can you even date anybody are you Dude, that's basically setting you up to be a sex offender, I feel like.
Because what if you find a girl and she's 17 and or 16 and you think she's beautiful and nice, you know, and she got them soft, booty cheeks, you know?
You know, are you even allowed to have those kind of thoughts?
Like, I don't know what you do.
Jesus.
Dude, that sounds like a bait car.
And bait cars, when they put a car out there with cameras in it, in a place where cars get stolen all the time, and then they film what happens inside and make a TV show about it.
So, fuck, bro.
Dude, if I could go back to high school, dog, I would be making sex with more women.
Not at this age.
I'm talking if I could go back in time, dude, because now you can make love to anybody in high school.
Teachers, janitors.
We had a lady that looked like a dang big bird.
Dude, I'll fucking, I'll ruffle her feathers, dog.
If I could go back in time, dude, and bring my wiener.
Hello?
Dude, I would, bro, bro.
I wish my wiener was detachable.
I'd throw it down the freaking block.
Let one of them real wild bitches, you know, she'll catch it in her, you know, she'll probably catch it under her chin or, you know, cat balancing on her back like she's doing hacky sack.
Just kind of stop it real slow on her back.
I mean, damn, bro.
But if I went back to high school, dog, I'd fucking eat lunch fast and then go talk to chicks.
I'd do my work so easy, bro.
Here's the answer to everything in high school.
1776, that's one answer.
All of the above, that's the other answer.
And everything else, I would just...
All right, let's take a call right here.
E.O., this is Ty coming out of Morgantown, West Virginia.
What's up, Ty, up there in Morgantown, West Virginia.
And they had a woman and her niece offered me one time to give me that wheeling feeling in West Virginia.
And they wanted to do sex and make me a soup or something, they said as well.
Try to get me come back to their place for a sex and a little soup.
I didn't do it.
Wish I had.
Let's hear more.
Traveling to Columbus, Ohio right now to see my family.
Just graduated WVU.
Gang, gang.
Congratulations, dude.
That's fucking fire, son.
You graduated college, bro?
That's crazy.
Dude, now you can do whatever you want.
May I also recommend something you might want to get into is opening up a place called Frozen Options, boy.
Gang.
I got a little question for you.
So back in August, I was dating this little English yarn.
You know, I had to end now, obviously, because I'm over here in the U.S. She's over there in England.
Okay, you dated a little UK girl.
And I'm headed to the UK in a week.
So onward.
I'm only 24. But here's my dilemma.
She might have been, you know, the most beautiful thing I ever got to touch.
And that's what I'm having trouble with.
Can't really get myself as mighty excited for somebody else as I did for her.
Just wondering if that ever happened to you.
Kind of made you lose some confidence for your future love life.
If it did, maybe it didn't.
Maybe you could give me a little bit of point as to how to deal with this.
Having trouble getting excited for that next person.
Gang.
Gang.
Yeah, buddy.
Yeah, buddy.
So you really sprung hard for the girl, for the Euro kitten.
That little, you know, for that little Irish, for that little Irish doily, huh?
For that little kitty cat.
You came hard for that for that cat.
Dude, here's what I'm telling you.
If you, you will get other women that are going to be attractive, okay?
There's always, you always, but someone might be attractive in different ways.
You know, that's the thing I learned about as I get a little older for me is I learn for myself that you don't, if it's just sex, then something will come along.
You know, your body will have sex with someone else, I promise you.
And your body's going to be, your memory will fade of her some.
And the next option that you have for sex will become almost as good as her, whether that girl is or not, really.
Because, you know, it's based on options.
You know, I went to one time, Guantanamo Bay and did some stand-up down there.
That's five, I don't know, nine years ago.
And the first day I got there, dude, they probably had nine girls on the island.
They had like 2,000 people stationed down there, nine female girls.
And the first time I saw them, I was like, oh, I don't know, you know, a lot of these women, you know, wake up and shave their face in the morning.
Some of those type of, you know, beautiful lady like that, but that style, you know?
Kind of chick that had a, you know, you know, she had her tits pierced With penises.
You know what I'm saying?
Some real, you know, women who weren't interested in being women almost.
By the third day I was there, those women were the most beautiful.
They were all looked like Cindy Crawford.
They all became Cindy Crawfords.
They all became Gladys Knights.
They all became, you know, who else?
Emma, Hermione Grangers.
They all became nice, you know, it.
I don't know what the equation is, but it's like distance minus time plus a couple of these bitches.
And they're fine.
They, you know, suddenly they're fine as fuck squared, bro.
So that's how some of that works.
You got to think about that thing.
Because nothing.
Because nothing, dude.
That's advice right there, a suggestion, bro.
That's a small.
But yeah, you'll find someone else will come along.
And then eventually you might fall in love.
And you don't, I feel like you don't choose who you fall in love with.
That's the part I don't think you choose.
The love thing that comes in for me, I notice, is something that is, I don't know.
I mean, you can definitely, I don't know.
I just, you don't choose who you love, man.
You really don't.
And there's almost a beauty about it because in a weird way, it takes, when you're really in love, I think it takes that pressure off of you of, is this the right person?
Is this, because that love is just real.
But also, what the hell do I know?
And look, let me tell you, as far as other women you'll date in your life, dude, first of all, you go back to high school.
That's what some of these other guys are doing.
Bro, they busted a man in Indiana years ago, and he was like 32. And he was little.
He had like Italianism or something.
And he was real little.
Like, I mean, really little.
He was like three and a half feet tall or something.
He went back to elementary school.
And he went to school for like seven months in Indiana.
And finally, somebody busted him.
They saw him driving a truck and doing construction or something over the weekend.
And they got his ass.
You know, one of his teachers is like, what the fuck are you doing out there?
You know, you're a foreman?
And he's like, dinosaurs?
And then they busted him.
What else, man?
Yeah, dude, you're going to date all kinds of people in your life.
You're going to date a woman that doesn't, you know, you're going to date an older woman that comes over and just chokes you out, bro.
She puts you in that freaking RNC, dude, and in that hard scarf.
And you wake up and she's already, you know, she's come twice.
You know, you're like, I don't even know what happened.
You know, you're going to date a girl that one of your friends dated.
And it's going to ruin a friendship of yours.
A lot of things are going to happen.
You're going to date a girl that you probably shouldn't date.
And you're going to date her anyway.
And you might start doing pills or selling pills for her.
You know, you're going to fall in love with, you know, you're going to see a woman on a bus or on a train or something and fall in love with her.
A lot of things are going to happen.
You're going to meet some, you know, some brought over by the pool.
And you're going to see, you know, that wet suit pressed against them, you know, them tits or butt.
And you're going to feel some type of way.
So yeah, everything good.
You'll be fine, brother.
You will be fine.
All right, let's take one more call here.
Here we go.
What's up, D.L. It's Bo out of Columbus, Ohio.
What's up, Bo out of Columbus?
Thank you for calling, brother.
Man, I'm just calling in because of the weekend I'm about to have, man.
So Friday, my family and I are going to sign on our dream home.
Nice.
And you got that home, man.
That's nice to have.
Nice to have a little bit of room.
You could get a cat or a dog.
You know, snag a couple hamps, put them bitches in the back.
You know, get a service animal or something if you want.
Dude, I'd like to get a couple service animals, but not even need them for support.
Just fucking get them.
Get them all excited and be like, guess what?
Y'all are free, bruh.
I don't have a nervous condition.
You don't have to just fly everywhere all the time.
You don't have to sit on somebody's lap that looks like a complete pussy.
Y'all are free.
And they're going to be like, they're going to be so excited, bruh.
And we're all going to go out to the bar and drink.
Everybody.
And the frog's going to get all fucked up, bro.
I'm going to make a soup out of his ass.
But let's hear more, Brother Onward.
The reason why that's such a big deal is I grew up homeless as long as I can as long as I can remember.
From like 2.1 to I'm 18. Damn.
Homeless, man.
That's rough, bro.
That's a rough nugget.
That ain't no round rock.
With my family, because they were all junkies.
But yeah, people be putting a mortgage right in that A arm.
You know, somebody just throw it up in that freaking in that escrow account.
Homer?
I'm signing for a third of a million dollar house, man.
And I just don't know how I feel about it.
I got this weird feeling of numbness because I'm finally comfortable, and it's just like I've never felt that feeling of comfort.
So part of me just feels like this house has been the goal for so long, but now that I'm here, it kind of feels like a checkpoint, man.
Wow.
I like that, man.
I like that.
Yeah, like a checkpoint.
That's what Mike Posner said when he was in here in studio.
Let's hear a little more.
Who knows what's next?
This is kind of how I'm feeling invincible.
It could be the White House.
It could be the Siesta Mariachi down the street.
But I know it's going to be one step forward, no matter where it is.
Appreciate your podcast.
It's really helped me throughout the years.
Long time listener.
Hope you're having a great weekend.
Thanks for sharing that, Bo.
Yeah, you got a home, man.
That's awesome.
You got that CASA.
Dude, you could get a yard, get you a little fucking bury something out there, do a time capsule, do a treasure, you know, get a spouse, do a dateline episode.
You know what I'm saying?
You could hide anything in the yard, brother.
But I'm happy for you, man.
I know I can relate to that where you're saying, yeah, you know, I can't believe I'm doing this.
I can't believe I'm doing a house.
I can't believe I'm.
Yeah, it's funny how we get comfortable even in no matter what it is.
Whether it's being homeless or being home full.
And when it changes, it's just, it can be unique.
You know, I'm sure that's how Bobby Lee feels, man.
He just finally got his head a home.
Because that is a home cut, bro.
Everything else is some bull.
Yeah.
But once he finally threw the Cadillac of cuts, the over, under, in one, now he gave his head a home, man.
Dude, I wish you love and luck, brother, over there.
And everybody does, man.
That's what we got for you.
You got this shit.
Go get that house, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
Be like the plumber on the plumber episode.
He's peeing in his own house, dude.
Hell yeah, he is.
Dude, bottle it up.
Store it somewhere.
Sell it for drug tests down the street.
You know what I'm saying?
That's a large.
Dude, all kind of options, bruh.
All kind of frozen options.
And pink eyes tanning.
Everything is available here.
We got merch.
We got new stuff coming out.
King and the Sing will be off for a couple weeks.
I don't know if any of you guys listen to that podcast as well, but what else, man?
Happy New Year to you.
Happy New Year to you.
Three years of this past weekend.
That's crazy.
What could the new year hold?
You're right, brother, with the house.
Yeah, this could just be a checkpoint.
Who knows what's next?
We might discover a new moon.
You know, we might discover a new kind of sugar.
You know, we might make a wish on something.
Anything could happen.
You know, I might wake up one day and the cure to cancer may be growing out of my back.
You never know.
I don't even know what I'm talking about, but that's okay.
I never have.
For three years, I never have known.
Onward, I'm headed to Euro.
What?
Thank you so much.
Thank you to everybody that's coming out in England, Ireland, Scotland.
Thank you.
Oslo, Stockholm, Amsterdam.
It's going to be magical.
Myself, Ari Manis.
We'll see you there.
you guys be good to yourselves Let's go out with a little Spencer Jacob Growl.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your pain.
Be good to yourself, huh?
Life's not happening to you.
It's just happening.
It doesn't have a vengeance out for us.
Life ain't trying to.
It's not happening to.
It's not happening to us.
It's just happening.
And we're here.
We got this.
Thank you.
Telegram living.
Telegram middle.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's out.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
