Audio file corrupted at 53:00 - 1:14, hence the lesser quality. Thank you for understanding and Merry Christmas!
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Hey, hey, hey You what did the horse say to the um other uh to the chicken on Christmas?
Hey, hey, hey So today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza if you want something and you can't and you think you can have it and it's pizza then you're doing great 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach gray block get that hitter Merry Christmas to you Merry Christmas to you Feeling
alone, kind of misty Waiting now for you to come romance Cold again But I know we'll be warm Sitting by the fire and dream Tell me again will
it whisper And that is some romance modern jazz Christmas there by Bluma Petterson and that is Bluma Pedterson there with a song called Christmas Moment Let me pull up something else that's really let me pull it fire up another here here we go one right here oh
yeah that's a wild west get on your horse get a gun and get some dang Christmas and
that is a song right there that is uh to shape Alexander with Santa Hold On Happy Holidays to you Merry Christmas to you and that's what I say a lot of time Merry Christmas and that's how I leave it oh it's that time of year it's good to be here I hope that you are just honestly I hope you're wherever you are I don't care what I don't wherever you are I hope you really fired up about
it and you feeling that Yule baby you feeling that Yule you know because this is that time when you can just you know you could kind of grab somebody's cheek a little and wiggle it hey hey hey buddy Merry Christmas this time when you could pet a little you know pet a neighbor's son touch him on the head hey buddy you're doing great you know stay out of my yard but
you're doing great it's that time it's that holiday time you know and it's it's really when you think about Christmas that they had a baby in the desert and I've talked about this before but they had a baby in the desert first of all very dangerous I don't know if you've ever been to Arizona but you don't see a lot of babies a lot of children won't even
come out of the the the homesteads or the or the buildings until they're five six when they got enough hydration in them they got them oiled up enough because a baby the desert is the complete opposite of a baby you know a baby is um it's it's it's like gushy kind of and got fat like a little its fat look like muscle you
know a lot of time you'll see a baby and its fat look like muscle you'll see a lot of its arms look like he's jacked but he's only 20 pounds you know you're like damn is he jacked no he's just he's just he's fat but he's it's stylish there's the fat is never as stylish on us as it is when we're a child and the desert is dry it's grainy it's sound
like that it doesn't there's nothing slick about it so a baby if you put a baby in the desert man it's lights out so to think that a long time ago for christmas that a baby was born and put in the desert man and uh and then a bunch of men went out there to see him and that's where it really does get wild i get you know i
get but i also if i think if somebody said hey man they got a baby out in the desert think about that you're somewhere you know you're at a hardy's or you're somewhere you know you're just parked in your truck somewhere just thinking about your wife or something or anything you know doing whatever you're doing video games whatever and you and somebody nudges you or something hey buddy they got a baby in the desert you would go see it you
would go see it that's an easy one some people maybe chris delia would be like i ain't gonna want to see that baby you know but But any regular, you know, mentally decent male would go see that baby.
And so that's what's beautiful about the story of Christmas is they had a baby in the desert.
Some people went out there.
A couple donkeys went out there and shit got real sentimental.
And that's beautiful, man.
And that's it.
And here we are fast forwarding to the year 2019.
And this thing is wrapping up.
This year is almost wrapped up like a gift.
It's like we're wrapping the gift ourselves as the year ends.
And I can't even remember what's in the box.
Sometimes the years go by so fast, I can't even.
You know, life is such a time capsule.
Sometimes I don't know what's in it.
And I'm sitting there putting things in it all the time.
But yet I don't even know what's in it.
And before I can get a, try and get a handle on it, it starts back again.
It's January or Yanuary.
As a lot of my Latino friends say, Yanuary.
Oh, Pampa.
Do you like Yanuari?
And some people think, oh, it's racist to do a Mexican accent.
It's not racist, dude.
I love a Mexican accent.
And it's fun.
Do a Mexican accent.
Do a Chinese accent.
Do a white guy accent.
Do a freaking that girl, you know, who's always like with the long finger.
Do it, do it.
Do whatever you want.
It's an accent.
So do it.
Ho, ho, ho.
That's an accent.
That's Santa.
Hey, hey, hey.
That is a pervert right there, boy.
If you hear somebody like that.
If somebody has a couple grams of Coke and they say there's a baby in the desert, now that's different.
That's danger.
But if somebody comes over and nudges you during holiday, say, hey, big boy, they got El Bebe in Las Playas.
Then you're going to go for that.
You better go for that.
What else?
What's going on?
Not too much.
I'm flying back to Louisiana tomorrow and I'm just looking forward to it.
You know, I'm going to go do the deal.
Get me a little bit of gambo.
Get me a little bit of Christmas Yambalaya.
Yambalaya!
Burp, burp, burp.
And they'll put anything in yamalaya.
Did somebody have yambalaya?
I might have a little swallow in it.
And I don't know if you've ever had swallow or not.
It's not, I don't eat it around children.
And it's really an adult meat.
Because if children, you know, if children hear you eating attractive birds, they get nervous.
You know, so if you have that swallow, that's something, you know, that's more of a seasonal or, you know, a special time of year when you have a little bit of swallow.
But that's the thing about Jambalaya.
You could hide something you're not sure if you want to eat inside of something you do.
You know, you could throw a few yale ranchers in there.
You know, you could throw a couple marshmallows down there in the middle.
Bam, bam.
What's that?
Oh, this is good.
Oh, this has got crab meat.
Oh, damn.
This is sweet.
That's the marshmallows, bro.
And that's a yamalaya.
Oh, yamalaya.
What's going on, man?
It's the end of the year, and it's been a great year.
I want to thank everybody for all the support.
Had some good podcasts recently.
We got some great ones coming up in the new year.
That's going to be exciting.
We got the show in Lafayette coming up.
Let me let you know a couple dates that are still available.
January 14th in Oslo, Norway.
January 15th, Stockholm, Sweden.
January 31st and February 1st, Las Vegas, Nevada.
And that's at the Mirage coming back through.
That's Super Bowl weekend.
So if you're going to be there, come see.
February 15th, Oroville Casino at the Gold Country.
February 20th, Toronto, Queen Elizabeth Theater.
And we just opened Thursday night tickets for that week as well.
And then February 28th, Oxen Hill, Maryland, that makeup show from last year.
And it's beautiful here on the set.
If you could see what producer Nick has done, man.
Man, we got some beautiful people who gave us some Christmas ornaments, Rat King.
Damn.
We are very blessed to be part of such a wonderful group.
I want to let you know, too, we got some single moms that are going to come out into Lafayette.
And here's a submission that came in for one.
Just want you guys to get on board.
Here we go.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
This is Jeff from Crowley, Louisiana.
Big this past weekend, fan.
Gang, gang, Buzz Buzz.
Gang, Jeffrey.
And thank you for calling over there in Crowley.
And Crowley is the kind of place they got big animals over there.
You'll see an inchworm that's damn two feet long.
You're like, whoa, this fella.
This fella might be in the rodeo.
You know, they're big.
So it's that kind of place onward, Jeffrey.
I was calling to nominate my mom for Single Mother's Night at your show in Lafayette, Louisiana.
She's a single mom with five boys.
She always worked hard for us growing up, trying to provide for us everything she can, you know, with a lot of kids like that.
And she doesn't have much of a social life.
She's going to get out much, you know, she can't do much.
She works nights, but she's got her dream job as a nurse in Lafayette.
And she's a big fan of the show.
me and all my brothers, we watch you and we love you.
Came to your show in Biloxi, Mississippi.
And you're coming close to it in Lafayette.
And I know my mom would love to be able to get a night out and go enjoy herself and do her own thing.
So, yeah.
Hope you call back.
Thank you.
Well, look, man, you're very welcome.
And yeah, I'm so excited that she's going to come now.
We will reach out to you.
We've got a couple single moms.
We're going to have them and a guest join us for dinner before the show.
And we're going to do something nice for them as well.
So, Jeff, we'll reach out.
Thank you.
That's very sweet of you, man.
And, you know, it's, you know, you think about that.
You think about if they had, you know, when, you know, a mother's got to do a lot of it on her own and just the fear that probably comes, but that they push it aside real quick.
You know, there's stories.
A mother could lift a damn shift robe off a fucking set of twins or something.
They'll have a 700-pound shift robe and something happens, there's lightning or something, or a little, you know, maybe something hits your house or knocks it over onto a kid and a mother will lift it off of them.
And this is a mother that, you know, it could be a mother that's never done squats or never even, you know, she ain't on creatine or any type of, you know, pre-workout.
And then suddenly they'll be able to just have the strength.
You know, sometimes if we could just crack open a mother and just get whatever, just harness whatever that is, that strength of love and of perseverance that they have.
Man, it's something that's beautiful.
It's its own little Christmas, man, what goes on inside of a mother.
And I applaud your mother, Jeff, and I am excited to get to meet her.
So her and a guest will be coming.
Please join us for dinner.
I hope you will.
Nick will reach out to you and we will set it up.
And we've got a couple of others.
We're going to reach out.
We had a good deal of single moms that were nominated, and we can't have everybody out, but we're going to have some out and we're going to do our best.
And the next ones we'll catch next time.
So thank you very much for the submissions.
Oh, man, it's that time of year.
Dude, I was thinking, man, one Christmas I got, I got a silk shirt.
And I don't know if you ever remember the silk shirt.
Because silk is first something you think you'll never be able to have it.
Because spiders have it.
And there's no, if you look at a spider, never once does a spider look like, hey, I'm going to fucking do something for you.
You know, I'm going to share this batch with you.
You know?
And it's marvelous that sometimes one, you know, that one, that, that at some point in history, I don't know when or whatever, but they made a deal with them and they got all the silk.
So when I remember when I got a silk shirt, I just, it blew my mind.
And I don't know if you remember when these really hit the market.
They were kind of, they had that kind of glaw, like one edge to them.
Like at one, it was like mine was like a light red, like a light red shirt.
And from straight on, it looked red.
But if you had somebody move over about five inches to the right or the left and look at it, it looked a little bit purple.
It was just, you know, like when you see somebody's car has been leaking oil on your, on the concrete outside of your house and you'll see a little bit of, they have the oil.
And then on top of the oil, they got that little party layer, you know, that kind of little, it's like a little, like somebody just beat the fuck out of a rainbow and just left it there bleeding kind of.
Well, it's like that.
And that's the kind of thing that's in the silk.
It has this really transvescent thing.
I don't know what it is.
It's like an extra layer of skin in it that kind of glistens, that's ready to fucking party or do some blow.
And I remember I got that silk shirt and man, it was nice, dude.
I remember when I came back from school from Christmas, that's when I really hit my stride because that's when I had that new stuff.
I had that flex.
You know, I had the freaking straight up just flex curtains, bro.
New shirt, new hat.
You know, sometime in winter, me and my brother split a pair of mittens.
He get one one day, I get one the next.
You know, he's going left, I'm going right, bro.
You feel me?
And then sometime I'd replace the other side, I'd get an oven mitt.
Because my dad, you know, whenever my parents were married, he would sometimes drink and he got my mother a set of small oven mitts one time when he was in, I think, like Puerto Rico or something.
And so we had, so sometimes you could replace the other mitten you didn't have with that fucking baby oven mitt.
But yeah, that shirt, man, that silk shirt.
So I'd go back to school with anything I knew I got fresh hanging off of me.
Anything.
Slap bracelet.
New wrestling figurine, have it in my pocket.
My grandma would give me a bag of mints.
Usually she'd give me a bag of breath mints.
That was her big thing.
And I would just roll to school, bro.
Fucking mint it up.
Pocket full of the Ultimate Warrior.
Gang shit.
And I had that silk.
I had that fucking spider spit smock on.
And that thing, man, it was nice.
And the crazy thing was, though, if you started sweating, the sweat would immediately get...
And in Louisiana, you sweat automatically.
It doesn't matter.
It'd be 200 degrees below zero and everybody's sweating.
You know, it just gets hot down there.
You'll see a crab.
Sometimes you'll see a crab come out of his shell and he's wiping his brow.
Man, it's hot in there.
You see it.
Louisiana is just like that.
you'll see a raccoon take off his fur and hang it on the branch for a bit.
You know, he'll be over there just wringing out his muscles full of sweat.
And until you've seen a furless coon, brother, you don't know what's up, man.
You're like, damn, bruh.
But those, I remember those silk shirts.
And then sometime, like, that thing would get all, when it got sweaty, it would just stick to you.
But yeah, if you looked at it head on, it was green.
But if you had somebody move nine inches over to the left and look at it, it was like a little bit, a little bit less green, kind of blue or something.
Man, I love those.
I love that silk shirt back in the day.
We got some calls came in.
985-664-9503.
Merry Christmas to you and happy holidays to you.
And we got a great, bright year coming up ahead of us.
All of us.
You know, we are living this gift of life, man.
And it is a journey.
And I'm grateful that it is a journey.
I'm grateful that it is highs and lows.
Because it is a challenge, you know.
I mean, if you played Super Mario and it was just the whole course was just you running to the end, man, you put the controller down after one time.
But it's not like that.
You know, life is, there's more.
They got the magic mushrooms.
They got, you know, you can get a little bit of coin.
You know, you can beat your head into some bricks.
You know, you can, you know, every now and then, dude, in certain areas, bro, you could light a can of WD-40 and throw it at somebody who fucking didn't fix your truck correctly.
You know, fireballs.
You know, they got dragons you can fight every now and then.
Some thought will come out the house with a bunch of slippers on talking shit.
And you could freaking, you know, just launch that bitch off a drawbridge if you want.
I mean, I'm just saying that it's as tough as it is sometimes with these downs and these valleys that are in life.
We wouldn't play if there wasn't challenge.
We wouldn't play.
I wouldn't play, I don't think.
So I'm not preaching at you.
I'm just trying to remind myself that this is the game.
This is the game I'm playing.
You know, in an easier, a too easy game, there would be no challenge.
And I get to see who I am when there's a challenge around me.
And it's nice.
It's nice to be inspired even by ourselves sometimes in the face of adversity.
But, all right, let's get in a couple calls that came in.
985-664-9503.
Yo, what's up, Theo?
It's Jake from Tennessee.
I work with the post office.
What's up, Big Jake?
At the post office, that P.O. And dude, I know a lot of y'all hopped up on them perfume samples, dude.
I know that shit.
That's why I go in there sometime.
I'll see some dude like he's on some damn, you know, polo sport.
I'm like, damn, bro.
You need to.
You know, you'll see him over in the distance just ripping open a magazine and getting a couple hits of Burberry Britt over there.
You're like, dang, boy.
You freaking better back off that Christian y'all.
Because you fucking geeked up, dog.
Yeah, one time the guy pushing the little mail cart, he's over there.
You saw him.
He's back there.
He's ripping perfume samples out of the zines and fucking basting under his arm, bruh.
You know, he hits himself with them samples and next thing you know, he's all tweaked out.
Because he's popped up because he's been, you know, scenting up his trenches, bruh.
I'm telling you, that's one danger thing about being at the post office is get whatever comes through the mail, try not to get addicted to it.
And that is nature.
That's nurture.
That's nature or nurture.
So can we beat it?
I don't know.
Yeah, one time the mail truck is over by my house.
It's 11 o'clock at night.
I go out there.
I'm looking at the guy.
He's in there.
He's got two strips of S. Day Lauder cut up into little paper squares and he's putting them under his tongue.
I said, whoo, he about to smell the devil.
But that's, you know, that's just the dangers of working in the mailing catalog industry.
But thank you for calling, brother.
Let's hear more.
Today I was at this house delivering the packages.
I was on a new route, so I don't really know this house.
And I walk up to drop off this big box.
And dude, they had a snack bucket for all delivery drivers and stuff that come to your house during, you know, Christmas time, especially during Black Friday and Cyber Monday.
You know, these people have nice snacks out there and stuff.
And dude, I'm not going to lie to you.
I forgot about my delivery drivers and all this shit, but I just want to give a PSA to all these people out here.
Don't forget about your delivery drivers.
You know, they're bringing you all your Amazon and your dildos or whatever you're ordering online.
Hell, show them a nipple or something.
Yeah.
Don't forget about your delivery drivers this Christmas.
That's all I want to say.
Gang gang, let's get it.
Gang gang, let's get it.
And that man right there is telling the truth right there.
Out there out of Tennessee.
Take care of your drivers.
These men out there, they schlepping this and that.
You ordered 13 boxes of oatmeal for your grandmother for Christmas.
And now, you know, Henry over here, he's got to schlep it up the stairs for you.
Leave him something out front.
Leave him a thing of fresh Dorito packages or leave him a thing of gummy bears, man.
Or you can even get that one big gummy bear, that big bitch, man.
That big papa Bear, that thing's about freaking probably 11 and a half inches tall, and he can just snack on that match while he's cruising around.
Yeah, people think they just order off Amazon, it magically drops on their doorway.
No, they got a middleman, they got these side-piece Santas running around everywhere, and those men and women too, a lot of strong women who also do fitness and who be having protein shakes on their lunch break and wearing gloves with no fingers on.
You know who I'm talking about.
A lot of strong, you know, sometime lesbian and sometimes non-lesbian women that dress like the wet bandits from home alone.
And these beautiful ladies over there schlepping the goods up to your door.
So leave them something out there.
These are the real Santa's.
Leave them a milk.
Leave them a cookie.
Leave them a picture of you and your cousin or something doing, you know, fishing, catching a big trout, catching a big walleye.
T-A-O, baby, that's think about others, and you know it.
Thank you for calling and thank you for making all those deliveries.
And I'm going to think about it too.
I'm going to set a little stool out there.
Dear Mr. FedEx, dear Mr. Amazon, dear Mr. or Mrs. Male person.
I know you're really Santa.
And here's a rice crispy treat from my nice crispy heart.
Gang, brother, onward.
I've got to tell you this, you know it, and I know it, that this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.
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There's ways to get help without having to drive over to that office in town that have that stigma.
And they got one man out there, you know, maybe a brother, maybe a couple of, you know, a white dude wearing like a Buffalo Sabres jersey or something.
And they, you know, having a couple freaking menthols or blowing a Winston.
And you know that they trying to just score a couple of drugs from a therapist or something, you know, some of them by the building.
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Oh, what's going on, man?
I don't know.
I'm excited down in Lafayette.
We're going to raise some money for Dustin Poirier's charity, the Good Fight Foundation.
That show, I think it's sold out.
People are asking about a meet and greet.
There will be one after, and we're excited to raise some money for Dustin's charity.
You know, they help people that can't help themselves.
And that's one of the things that this whole podcast kind of was started on is fucking, I don't know, man, whatever, dog.
I mean, not whatever, but I'm just glad I'm not freaking laying in a park trying to smoke my own nuts right now because somebody's doing that, bruh.
Grilling body, you feel me?
About to have a little bit of their own grilled body.
And I knew a man, that brings me, I knew a man, this dude Sweeney up there in near Natchez, Mississippi.
And he actually took his own wiener off of his body with a knife at a party when he was on LSD.
And they used to run the Ramada over there on the bluffs.
But anyway, all right, let's take another call.
985-664-9503 as always is the hotline.
Oh, and this is, I think, our three-year anniversary, too.
That's crazy.
This is three years.
I'll talk about that in a minute.
Here we go.
What's up, Payhouse?
Josh from Bowl.
You know, I just called asking about Winter Depression, if you ever get that.
You know, I just realized you live in fucking L.A., don't you?
Yes, I do, Josh.
Thank you for calling, and I do live in L.A. Onward, brother.
There ain't no fucking winter over there, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, you don't get no snow or nothing.
Like, what happens over there?
Does it get cold?
You know, that's a good question.
What happens over here during the holiday?
And I'm going to answer it in a second.
Let's hear more from you.
No, I don't even fucking know, dude.
You know, I'm driving around fucking two feet of snow right now.
I mean, I haven't seen my kids in days.
You know, because I've been sleeping in an igloo.
You know, one of them igloo hitters.
Because, you know, you got to get right back up.
Start delivering those packages.
Bro, that's what I'm talking about, bro.
That 28-degree drywall, baby.
That's iglooing.
Gang.
FedEx don't give a shit if it's snowing.
You know, personally, you need to do a lot.
You got to get after it.
But, yeah.
So, you know what?
I mean, questions still stand because, you know, maybe you were somewhat cold once.
I'm sure you were.
You've been a lot of places.
Look, great question, brother.
We don't have a, it doesn't get cold here.
And you know, one thing about Los Angeles that really freaking trickles my dickle, bro.
I mean, this will make me just leak from my low beak.
And that is that there's no seasons here.
So things don't change.
So there's no, you don't feel the vibe.
You don't feel that Mother Nature has a real pulse here.
You know, you don't feel her wrath that much.
You know, there's fires sometimes, but that's usually a dude over there, you know, some dude playing hopscotch with his buddy, and they're all cooked up on that freaking, on that kettle corn, you know, methamphetamine.
And next thing you know, they'll fucking they chasing each other with cigarettes, playing, you know, pee-pee tag or whatever out there behind the bushes.
You know, and it's kind of drug-induced homosexuality.
And next thing you know, they burn down half of a fucking hillside.
Because these bastards over there are doing, you know, gramming up on a fucking, some homemade Chernobyl's over there and all tweaked out on that bust or dustless.
And next thing you know, they don't, they, who knows?
So they burn down a hillside with half a Winston because they fall asleep in each other's arms over there, all cooked out on that fucking bugle boy.
But Jesus, sorry, I'm wearing the bad Christmas hat and earphones at the same time.
What are we talking about?
Oh, yeah, there's no winter here.
And one thing, so that's, sometimes when, one of the reasons why people in Los Angeles are so nutty is because they don't, they, they feel like they run the world.
Mother nature doesn't push anything on them, you know, so they feel more powerful than nature a lot of times.
You know, there's not, there's no seasons, so things never, you don't realize the power of Mother Nature.
You don't realize the beauty of just, you get trapped in this bubble that things can just go on forever as the same.
Or I think so.
This is just what I think.
Sorry.
This isn't everybody.
But other places, yeah, you realize, okay, for four months, I'm going to have to be indoors.
You know, so maybe I should find a spouse.
I'm going to need someone not just that I can hook up with for a night.
I need somebody to care about.
I need somebody to care about me.
You know, winter's coming.
You know, I know in the Midwest, they got cuffing season.
And that's when if you don't have someone to love, you've got to lock them down.
And so in the winter, a lot of times that cuffing season is right there around August, September, October.
And that's when you better lock down a mate because it's going to get cold.
And you need that full-body duralogue with a significant other.
And they have it, man.
And they, uh, so...
So...
So, uh...
So that's one thing about LA.
There's no effect of nature, I don't feel like, as much with the weather.
Now, that's strictly the weather.
You can see the power of nature by going to the beach, and there's a very peaceful element, but you don't see it from the weather, where the weather really dictates things.
It doesn't rain, so you can always throw a party.
You could plan anything, and you never have to worry about the weather.
Like, I never wake up in the morning and think what the weather will be.
But when I used to work on Mississippi over there on a farm, we used to have to look at the DTN all day.
I think that's what it was called.
DTN weather.
Yeah.
We'd have to look at the DTN.
And this is back before they had an app when you had to look at the actual computer screen, go in there and see where the storms were coming across.
So you say, okay, we could fertilize right here today because it's going to be dry, you know.
Or it's okay to have a crop duster come through today because it's not going to rain, so we're not going to lose whatever chemical we put down.
But I remember that having to just sit at the DTN and weather would dictate how you behaved.
But here it doesn't happen as much.
So yeah, I think it's a lot of people in California and Los Angeles go to Hawaii.
You know, they're like, they want it even nicer.
Which is another thing I noticed why this city doesn't stop much.
Man, in Louisiana, when it rains, hey, time out.
Talk to your buddy.
Sit on the porch.
Spend some time.
We can't go do something.
It's raining.
When it snows, oh, we snowed in.
Maybe you have two friends come over and you guys enjoy each other's company because you need it.
You know, there's more of a value on one another.
But this is more of a turnstile out here.
And I'm not saying damn L.A., blah, blah, blah.
There's a lot of great things, but I am answering the question as to how this, what do I feel like the weather dictates behavior here in L.A. You know, there's less like in a lot of places you help somebody shovel their driveway, an opportunity to talk somebody.
Hey, hey, hey, Berta, hey, Miss Berta, let me go do your shovel.
You know, my buddy over there, he used to go decorate the Christmas tree by the neighbor and she would fucking touch his ass while he was on the ladder.
What are you going to do, huh?
It's Christmas.
But stay busy out there if you FedExing, baby.
Get it done.
And put something out on your porch for a FedExers.
Put something out on your porch for you Amazon guy.
You know they're going to stop by.
Let them, you know, it does feeling appreciated is nice, isn't it?
Gang.
Oh, let's get a call right here.
Here we go.
What's up, Theo?
This is Jay from San Diego.
What's up, Jay from San Diego, man?
Thank you for calling, brother.
Homeward.
Down here in the dirty breakfast.
Just calling to give you one of those hotline hitters that you love.
Recently, on social media, I've been seeing a lot of stuff about these people trying to change Santa Claus' gender To be gender neutral or questioning whether he may or may not be a woman.
And I'm like, the man has a beard.
He's kind of wondering where you stand on the whole subject.
You think it's as funny as I do?
Well, let me know.
Gang, gang.
Gang, Jake, thanks for the message.
If you and your household want to have a nondescript universe, that's fine.
But I like Santa being a woman.
His wife is Mrs. Claws.
You know, the tooth fairy is a gay man.
The Easter Bunny could be a woman.
Now that I could see, let's go either way with it.
But Santa is a man.
Santa is a man.
If you, you don't want some lady being out all night.
It doesn't feel even safe.
You know, a lot of women get taken advantage of at night.
And Santa is just, you can't, and you won't.
Some of that shit, man, people.
They just don't, but nobody's buying that shit.
Well, Santa doesn't have a gym.
Santa is a man.
Okay?
Until he comes out and shows a tid or busts out a lip, that's a man.
And that's it.
And it's really just the same.
Because here's what happens is if the that's all fueled by companies.
If they can make Santa gender neutral, then they can sell a whole new branch of new Santa ornaments, new Santa Christmas card, new Santa pool toys.
Because now they got the gender neutral Santa.
So that's, you have to, for me, I think that's where a lot of that motivation comes from.
It's just people trying to make money.
It's people trying to make money.
And it's sad, man.
It's sad.
And I try to distance myself from things where I feel like that is what it is only about.
But yeah, fucking, that's some bullshit, dude.
Nobody want their grandmother out there driving a sleigh all night.
Dude, my mom's driving to freaking Houston right now, and she called me nine times.
And it's only two in the afternoon.
Nobody want their grandmama out there schlepping around a bunch of hello kitties or whatever.
You know, a bunch of, you know, Gryffindor hats or whatever the children want this year.
And now she, you know, your grandmother's got to stay at a day's end because one of the reindeer, she's worried about him overheating.
Uh-uh.
You want Santa out there.
Manta, bruh.
You want him with the pedal to the metal.
On dancer, on prancer.
Oh, Vixen stayed up all night doing some dust.
Oh, well.
Oh, well.
Put him on your back, Cupid, because we ride in.
What if a couple of Somali pirates show up in the middle of the night?
And you got a gender-neutral Santa Claus out here injecting himself with different hormones and shit, man.
Nobody's getting a gift because they're Jack.
He's getting, you know, no kids are getting gifts now?
You can't do it like that.
Santa's not a woman.
Nobody wants him to be a woman.
It's some asshole writing an article who doesn't have any care about, you know, a lot of people, they want to kill any Christian spirit that's alive.
And they want to kill the fun.
Don't let these people kill your fun.
They're just trying to take advantage of you and make money.
Man, get out of here with that, man.
Santa's a man.
The earth, mother earth.
The earth is a woman.
Tooth fairy is a gay man.
Everybody got their space.
You know, this shit, ever since Black Annie, nobody liked Black Annie.
Even my black friends are like, what?
So, unless it should have had Blake Griffin in it, then it would have been good.
He's hilarious.
But let's be real with this shit, man.
I'm tired of it.
Because some of it, there's no benefit to it.
It's just a trick to sell.
Oh, if we can make every man think they're a woman, then we can sell them all now woman products as well.
So I'm all about equality, but, you know, everything functions because there's a male, female, there's yin and yang.
Now, I'm not saying there might be, you know, the gestation.
In three generations, we might all be, you know, we might all be bi gender.
Who knows?
But let nature do that.
Not some asshole with a Yahoo article.
Gang, bro.
Sorry, I got heated.
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Ask yourself down in your little cauldron of feeling and hope.
That's your heart.
Ask yourself, do you care about your eyes?
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Yeah, these are hearty.
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I didn't even like, dude, I would hate going if it was with my mom and I had on a tank top and we was at the grocery, bro.
I was really a little bitch, kid.
Hell, I'm half bitch now most of the time, dude.
You know me, if I fucking get, if I start swimming in the baby pool of my own damn feelings, I fucking, I'll drown down there.
But, but I'm also a badass, dog.
You know?
I'll also put your fucking chubby cousin in a hard scarf, dog.
I'll put half a bread pudding in his mouth and fucking put that boy to sugary sleep.
So don't come at me with that shit.
I don't even know what I was talking about.
Okay.
Let's take another call that came in here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, what up?
This is Brennan from Eden Prairie, Minnesota.
What's up, Britton from Eden Prairie in Minnesota?
Beautiful.
You know, I met a girl one time out there in Minnesota, and she was a Native American, she said.
And then she accused me of almost, well, she threatened to have a baby with me.
Anyway, let's hear more.
For those of you that don't know, Eden Prairie is basically the white bratty little cousin of Minneapolis.
And anyways, I'm 16 years old.
I had a question about girls.
So I got a girl that I like and she likes me.
Okay.
That's a start, man.
That is a big start.
More?
But she, I don't know, she's caught up in some illegal activities and I won't get into that.
But, you know, I got my own issues of, you know, getting in with all the pornographies and all that.
And so, like I said, I'm 16. I don't know anything about girls or life or anything.
And I was wondering, do you think having a girlfriend is something that can help you with your problems or where you can help each other?
Or is it something that will distract you from fixing your problems that need fixing?
Because, you know, we both need some fixing.
Yeah.
Gang, bro.
Thank you for the question there, young fella, 16-year-old boy.
They're calling out of there.
Man, 16. God.
Hell, I'd drink a glass of your blood if I could, man.
You know, it's man, being 16. Well, here's what I say.
Sometimes Relationships can help and sometimes they can hurt.
I think if I'm not doing well, then I don't know if I'm going to be able to really treat somebody well.
You know, it's hard to see the value of a relationship or even a friendship sometimes when you're in it.
You know, I can get complacent.
get complacent in a relationship.
Sometimes I'll stay in a relationship just because I'm afraid to be alone.
That can happen.
I mean, you do know some stuff because you are asking people.
To be 16 and be this kind of aware and asking these questions is, that's huge, dude.
A lot of 16-year-olds are just busting on themselves at home.
And you at least are trying to do a little more than that.
so i think you know i think if you you can work on yourselves together you can work on yourselves apart And also, man, you know what?
Sometimes there's not working on ourselves.
Sometimes it's like, you know, I'm always sometimes caught in this, I get caught in this trap sometimes where it's like, I have to fix, I have to repair, something's wrong.
And sometimes, man, I'm just being alive.
I'm just being alive.
And there's the ups and the downs, but this is the ride.
It's almost like, I wish they taught us that in school sometimes, like had a real course that said, hey, children, this is what some days will be like.
You will leave your driveway.
Somebody will, you know, you'll get a call from your cousin.
He'd been in a fucking head-on collision over there by the Hardy's.
You know, you'll get to work and you might lose your job.
On the way home, you'll try to stop by a Dunkin' Donitz and that bitch is burned down.
And you'll go home and your wife will be complaining because you guys haven't had sex in a while.
Sometimes they should just teach you that in school.
Hey, that's going to be what life is sometimes.
It's that.
But so yeah, sometimes it just is what it is and that's the way things are, bro.
So I think you're going to be fine.
You're 16. You're figuring it out.
It's okay.
Take it easy on yourself.
You know, if you're alone, if you're not, you know, find some things that make you feel good.
Don't do a bunch of drugs and hurt yourself, bruh.
That's what I'm saying, dude.
And that pornography can really, it'll dirty your freaking brain.
And every time you bust them cheat cheat pops out, you're losing a little bit of that stallion.
So finally, you know, 19 years from now, you have a child and that motherfucker, he's a little pony.
You know, he got a little buzz cut and he fucking, they put a bell around his neck at the mall.
And that's your son.
So save up those Chi-Chi pops and be a warrior.
You know, save up those Chi-Chi pops and be a warrior.
I don't think I really helped Jerry or anything, but I love you, bruh.
And just take care.
Just be safe, man.
Wear your seatbelt.
And find friends that you trust.
And it's okay if you don't know what a relationship means at this point.
Just do your best.
And just know that you're okay, man.
However you are, you're okay.
Everything is okay.
You're not doing anything wrong.
The world is not conspiring against you.
Everything is okay.
And that's the truth.
And I just don't want you thinking that it's not all the time.
Because I used to do that.
And it really was.
And I can miss out on some of the beautiful gifts that are right in front of me.
Let's take a call right here.
Onward.
Hey, CO.
This is Justin from Dallas.
Just on my way back home from work.
Thought I would share with you a story that came to my mind when I was a kid around the Christmas time.
Thank you, Dustin or Justin.
I'm not sure which one.
I couldn't hear it, but it doesn't matter.
Thank you, Austin.
We'll go there, man, from Dallas.
And I love Dallas, man.
And I had a crush for a while.
I wanted a radio host down there on a morning radio.
Gang onward.
So, me and my buddy in Austin were having a sleepover at his house?
Oh, dang.
Shout out to my boy Scott Satchfield.
When we was younger, we stayed by his daddy's house over there in Jackson, Mississippi.
And his daddy had a house over there, and it was on the top of a little bitty hill.
And we stayed over there.
And I'd never slept in a bed with another man before.
We weren't even men.
We were children.
So another, you know, children man.
And his dad closed the door, and then he came back in about a minute later, and he goes, now, fellas, y'all can sleep pole to pole or hole to hole, but don't sleep pole to hole.
And then he closed the door.
And dude, we sat there trying to figure it out and do the math.
And finally, I just slept on the floor at the foot of the bed, dude, like a damn golden retriever, man.
Because we didn't want to get the equation wrong, you know.
Let's hear more.
Sorry, I interrupted you, brother.
And we, I don't know how we got to this, but we went up in his attic.
We really just grabbed a bunch of ornaments and we filled them up with gasoline.
I love gasoline.
And trailed the little, you know, like the cloth outside of the end.
We really just made cocktail ornament small pots.
And we were really just lighting them up and throwing them at cards as they went by.
And It's pretty risky, pretty dangerous.
And yes, I mean, they really did catch fire.
It's kind of like a bomb.
So, yeah, I was just wondering if you've ever done anything like that or just anything real risky over the holidays.
Appreciate everything you do.
Get in game.
Thank you, brother.
Yeah.
I remember one time we had, my mother had a friend that came over, and she'd only come over when we cooked.
And this lady was big as a damn.
I mean, just big as about a small gymnasium.
And she really, part of her arm had turned a little yellow because she, I don't even know what had happened.
Something.
And anyway, she would drive over only when my mom would cook.
And she'd come over and have her, she'd talk and everything and be friendly, but really she was, you know, sneaking some of the rations.
She was really, you know, she was there for the food and the socializing was second.
And I remember one time while she was in there, we'd gotten some kerosene, maybe it was, or gasoline.
I can't remember.
God, I love gasoline, man.
I love, man.
I put some on my hands the other day and just fucking smelled it all day long.
And anyway, we put her bumper in kerosene of her car, and right before she took off, we lit that bastard on fire.
And she just drove off into the night, dude, with that with that old-fashioned taillight, baby.
That Fuego bumper, dog.
And we lit that lady up like that.
And honestly, I don't think we ever even saw that lady again, dude, honestly.
But I loved being, dude, when I was young, we would put fucking WD-40 on our tongue, bro, and try to fucking lick each other.
We would do...
Damn.
Dude, I love the smell of WD-40.
I wish they made WD-41, bruh.
Because, I mean, hell, we could do anything with that.
You know?
Beautiful.
Let's take another call here.
Actually, you know what?
We got a Patreon question.
Okay, this is from Tara Stegner.
One of my favorite Christmas movies is Home Alone.
What would you do if you were home alone at eight years old because you wished your family away?
What kind of stuff would you do knowing you're the man of the house now?
Personally, I'd watch every R-rated movie available and go through everything in every bedroom looking for treasures.
Let me think.
If I was, well, I was home all the time when I was young.
I was home alone all the time, dude.
And I would always, I would have a couple extra vanilla creams.
That was the first thing.
Because we was allowed two vanilla creams at night for dessert.
And that's that vanilla cookie, vanilla cookie cream in the middle, white cream in the middle.
So I'd have about probably about six or eight NM matches and some milk.
You know, because we always had to split up the milk we had.
We had to split up the cookies.
So I would cheat, man.
I would have what I wanted.
And what else?
Oh, then sometimes I like to take off my shirt and pants.
And I like to, we had a couch and had three cushions.
I like to lay under the cushions, like on top of the couch, but under the cushions.
And just like feel that pressure kind of against my body and just look out from the side, you know, from in between the cushion and watch television like that, like a sandwich.
Like I was a meat.
And the furniture was a breads.
And what else would I do?
Oh, I like to play game.
On the television, games would come up sometime.
You know?
Do you know sports trivia or something?
Call 1-888-SPORTSNOW and play the game $17 a minute.
$90 if you're in Cuba.
You know, coupons don't apply or some kind of shit.
So I would call that hotline.
I'd play fucking $200 worth of games and mom would beat my ass later when the bill came.
What else did I do?
Yeah, we went peeking in our mom's closet around Christmas.
That was always so crazy, man, peeking in the air.
You know, it made me realize how hard my mom worked, even just looking at her shoes hanging from the shoe thing in the door.
You know, she had her heels and her work shoes.
She had her morning walking shoes.
These pink new balances.
have them forever, man.
They would probably...
They were 20 years old when I met her.
You know, when she had, uh...
My mother was such a hard worker, man.
She was always going.
She was always working hard.
I wish she had told me, hey, I'm working hard so I can take care of us.
Because I think a lot of time when I was a child, I just didn't know what was going on.
You know, no one ever said, hey, this is why, this is what's happening.
This is why we're doing this.
So sometimes today I'm always like, I always feel like I need to be doing something.
I always feel like something is wrong.
Even though there's nothing really.
You know, I feel like somebody pushed a car in the distance and they have a car alarm that's just going off outside of the apartments or something.
And the alarm's always been there.
You know, it just is always this thing making me feel like something.
Like I don't know what's happening.
Like everything's not okay.
Anyway, I kind of digressed in all of that.
Here's a question from Jacob Wells.
Did you believe in Santa growing up?
Yes, I Did and a lot of me still does you know down in Covington, Louisiana.
They used to hire a it was like a small plane to go through the air at night and they would put a bunch of lights on it and stuff and they would play Christmas music out of speakers on it.
And so you could hear on Christmas Eve, you would actually be able to take your kids outside and hear and hear like a Christmas and see something in the sky.
And I remember that being a really neat treat for kids because it just cemented into you that Santa was there.
And you never even thought, hell, why the hell does Santa have a propeller on his leg?
But, you know, that's being a kid, man.
Gang.
Let's take one more call here that came in.
985-664-9503.
Theo, what's up?
This is Bob.
Hey, Bob.
Thank you for calling, brother.
Onward.
So, lost my leg on a motorcycle accident a couple years back.
Damn, Bobby.
That flamingo, baby.
Tell me more.
Now I'm trying to find out how to get some fucking tanks with that stumpy hitter.
Just, you know, kind of hard.
You gotta change up the game.
So, any thoughts?
Thank you.
well Well, so you got that one, you know, you got that one piece, really.
You're rolling on three right now, and you're looking for love.
I think be fourthright.
We're all missing something.
You know, we are all missing something.
And I think these days more than ever, people that have uniquities to them, those things are valued more than ever.
You know, I used to know a guy named Bobo, and he had cut off part of his arm for some reason.
I don't know why.
And it was below the elbow, about three or four inches.
So it was like in his forearm.
And he would sometimes get behind the bar at a bar or club and he would walk and he would stick the nub part of his elbow and the part coming forward, the little bit of his forearm up, and he could turn him back and forth like it was a submarine.
He would walk up and down the bar.
And so if you were like away from the bar by about 15 feet, you could see just this little thing pop up and look around like it was a submarine.
Or a snork.
Remember the snorks?
They were old cartoon.
But yeah, he had that Bobo had that submarine hitter and he was always looking for cocaine, really.
But he beautiful man, dude, and I still miss him.
What did you ask me?
Oh, man, I think there's more value than ever to being unique.
There's more value than ever to be in unique.
And I know this is easy for me to say because I'm by, right?
I got bipedal.
I got two hitters right here below the belt.
But there's more.
Now there's ways constantly to inspire people.
They got the titanium.
You could get something graphite.
You could go wood even.
If it's a tough year financially or if you're living in like Newfoundland or something, you could get that wooden appendage.
There's a lot of beautiful options out there.
But I say be forthright.
Hey, ladies.
I got that magic wand.
You feel me?
You know, I'm that one-legged fucking...
You know, you got it, man.
If you only have one leg, bro.
I love you, dude.
I think it's cool, man.
You know, I know that's crazy, but I think it's really, really cool.
Because, dude, when I see somebody that has a handicap and they're really and they're challenging it and they're, man, that inspired me so much, dude.
You know?
It really, you have the chance to be so inspirational to others.
And I know that probably is hard to think about because it doesn't heal what's going on, but you could hella get some hoods, bro.
They got ladies out there that are fucking some real Muppets.
So I know when you come in with that fucking low-body gonzo, bro, that one piece, all day, bruh.
You're going to be a freaking third lieutenant in the Poontang Mafia, son.
And I would decorate that leg, bro.
Get that other leg decorated for the holidays, bruh.
Throw some fucking lights around that thing.
Hang a car freshener off that bitch, man.
Do something with it.
Dude, I remember I was in Tucson, Arizona on the bus once and a man had a wooden appendage, a second half, low half on the left.
And he would sit on the bus.
This is when you could smoke a cigarette on the bus.
And he would cross his leg over the other leg.
And in the side of the wooden part, he'd build an ashtray in there.
And I remember sitting there one time with him, having a cigarette after work, over there at City Grill off a Tanka Verde in Wilmont.
And I took the bus and I'd sit there with him and have a cigarette and put the ashes right out into his leg.
And I've never forgotten that man.
Oh, we're at the end of the year.
We're at the end of the year, man, and I love you.
And you know, if you need me, Ross, I'll hold you up, dog.
The more I think about it, man, I will hold you up.
You know, I'll hold you up, brother.
And thank you for sharing what's going on with you and your life, man.
You're holding me up.
Gang shit, bruh.
We out here, dog.
And it's a beautiful time of year, and it's a beautiful time to love somebody.
And it doesn't have to mean sex or anything like that or Touching yourself, don't touch yourself at Christmas.
What are you doing?
But touch your heart, man.
Love yourself a little.
Get in there, as that boy used to say that had it.
And he had a lot of hits of that TISM, and you know it.
What else is going on?
I may have this thing this week, Chocolate Shoulder Challenge.
We'll put out on Instagram, so you can check it out.
Remember to get your Christmas shopping done now.
It's almost over.
And I hope your holidays are something special.
And I hope that your heart is a fireplace.
And it keeps you warm and keeps the others around you warm as well.
Thank you for three years.
Thank you for the support.
Thank you for all the calls.
You know, this has been one of the toughest years of my life in some ways, but I'm feeling a little better and I couldn't be more grateful for you guys not giving up on me.
Ari Manis, the dirty little Hebrew, rolling over there with me.
So let's see what we can do, man.
You guys, be good to yourselves.
I love you.
Merry Christmas to you.
And thank you.
Thank you.
Let's take us out today with DJ Dins, The Rooster, and Christmas Day Sale.
Let's go.
Bye.
Bye.
It's a little Christmas trap music.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McGuire.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
