Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Theo talks reminisces about going back to school, talks about his family visiting, and listens to some voicemails about last weeks' single mom debacle, surprise babies, and student loans. This episode is brought to you by Shipstation Try ShipStation FREE for 60 days by visiting https://ShipStation.com, click on the microphone and type in THEO. Blue Chew First order free with $5 shipping at https://bluechew.com when using promo code THEO Skillshare Try 2 months free at https://skilshare.com/theovon Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Music Intro “Celebrate” - Spencer Jacob http://bit.ly/Celebrate_SpencerJacob Outro “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alex Wang Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Annmarie Reilly Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brandon Brandon Kirkman Carla Huffman Charles Herbst Christina Peters Christopher Becking Claire Tinkler Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dakota Montano Dan Draper Dan Perdue Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook David Christopher David Smith David Witkowski Dentist the menace Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Doug C Dusty Baker Fast Eddie Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia J.P. Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jim Floyd Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Lawrence Abinosa Leighton Fields Luke Bennett Madeline Garland Madeline Matthews Mandy Picke'l Mariah Marisa Bruno Matt Nichols Matthew David Meaghan Lewis Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Roma Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell OK Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Robyn Tatu Ruben Prado Ryan Hawkins Ryan Walsh Sagar Jha Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Sean Scott Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Shannon potts Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Vanessa Amaya Victor Montano Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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You know, you just ride that full bag, baby, you know?
I'm just like a, I mean, I should be surfing right now.
I got, you know, I'm basically, I'm like, whatever that surfer guy's name is.
Just riding that yellow right now.
I'm on, dude, I am full.
My body's full right now of urine, but I'm not going to pee.
I'm going to ride that bag and stay in the pocket and do my work and do this episode right here.
I'm going to tough it out.
That's who I am today.
I'm somebody that's going to tough it out.
damn it Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we alive.
Mm, mm, mm.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your things or ways.
I'm not even sure what they say in it, but that is Celebrate by Spencer Jacob Growl, who is a musician, and he lent us that song.
And that's a real happening tune.
And music is neat.
Isn't music neat?
Because it's like a, you know, it's something that gets into your body.
It's almost like ants.
Music is like ants, and they crawl in the ear.
And sometimes the ants are real chill.
They crawl slow and they vibing.
And they from Jamaica and you, they smoking that Gange.
They got them big horse leg hitters, them giants.
You know what I'm saying?
They got them big giants.
But now other times you'll get those ants and they climbing into your sound holes, in your ears, and they looking, you know, they flying fast and they staying busy.
Them big body, them big dogs inside of you.
And that's what sound is.
Sound is just really just a ghost that has a lot of noise in it and it just gets right into your head.
It makes you feel some type of way.
School.
School is back for a lot of families right now.
It's coming back.
This is the big weekend.
And thank you for checking in.
This is the big last weekend before school.
Remember?
Remember, the summer was long.
You had summer camp and you might have went through a little bit of purity.
You know, one day you wake up and your legs a little bit longer.
Or you got a little bit of hair on your kneecaps.
Or you got, you know, maybe you get a little titty or something.
You wake up in the morning and you got a little titty.
And you fell asleep sans contit, you know, without titt.
But you wake up in the morning and your shirt got a little bit of, you know, some of your fat is kind of meeting up around your nipple like they smoking a jaunt.
Like your nipple was like a brown giant.
And some of your fat cells kind of met up around it to get that hitter, baby.
And that is a tit.
That's how a tit starts.
And men, we don't get them.
Some guys, we had a fellow that got some wild tits from Tennessee last year.
And he got tattoos on him and everything.
But a lot of men don't get don't get titty.
You know, a lot of men don't get titty.
But it is school time.
Dude, I remember when I when school was coming and you got in that last week and summer was wrapping up, like about a week before, I would set my clothes out on my bed.
I knew what I was wearing.
Mom had got us two outfits.
One of them, you know, usually has some Gerbot jeans or something.
And maybe a Varnette t-shirt or something nice.
I had my Eastlands, them low-top Eastland hitters, baby.
Them foot boats, baby.
Them shoes.
And I'd get them hitters and lay them out.
I'd lay the pants out.
I'd even roll the pant legs up a little like I was as if my body was on the ground.
I would lay my whole outfit on the ground and look at that bitch and say, damn, that boy, he's going to look nice.
And then I'd have my outfit.
I'd have it all.
And man, school came fast, man.
And you had your new clothes, boy.
Dude, and I would, first day of school, I'd get my hair fixed up.
I put everything in my hair.
Do I shampoo it?
Do I conditioner it?
Then I put a little damn, you know, I put some musk powder in it.
I put a little gel.
I'll put a little foam.
I put a little moiss in it.
I do it all.
I put some baby powder in the size, boy, in case the ladies come knocking.
This head smell is rocking because look, a lot of ladies they want a baby that's genetic.
If you throw a baby up in the air and it's little enough, a lot of ladies will catch it right there in their vagette, bruh.
They'll catch it in that, you know, that vagina net, boy.
They'll just do a headstand and catch that bambine.
Because the ladies want that BB.
They want it.
Dude, if you put a baby on roller skates and send it by a couple ladies, they're going to follow it.
And that's 100% science.
So, you know, there's a lot of, you got to know what's up.
So that's the thing.
If you put a little baby powder in your hair, that's the bait and switch.
They smell that baby.
And then bam, they get that man.
You feel me?
They get you.
And that's what it was.
Everything went in my hair first day of school.
Dude, I do everything to get the ladies to come around.
Looking at that poiff, baby.
Looking at that hitter, baby.
Looking at that freaking crisp.
I was a crisp hipotamous, you feel me?
And everything went in my hair.
A little bit of cologne.
I'd even take a hit off that cologne if the thing, you know, because some of that, that Ralph Lorraine, they used to have that Ralph Lorraine cologne.
And that shit was probably about nine proof.
And I'd put a little bit, I'd pour, you know, pour a drop in each ear and then just get that, get a little hit in myself, boy.
You drink enough cologne, your breath will smell good for, damn, at least two seasons.
You know, come winter, you just, you just easing off that positive scent you'd have in you.
And man, that first day, my hair had it all.
My hair had it all.
Everything was in there.
I put all of just trying to put a little ketchup behind my ears, anything to get the ladies to look over at Papa.
And it was from, remember the first day of school, you showed up.
And no matter what I had on the outside, but you were all excited.
Who's doing what?
Who's got a beard?
Who's pregnant?
Who failed?
Who didn't fail?
Who moved away?
Oh, dang.
Leonard moved away.
Who was Leonard?
I don't even fucking know him.
Boy.
Bye, Leonard.
Somebody did this.
Somebody did something.
And you came back to school and you found out, oh, dang, Patrick went to Texas.
How was it?
You know, little Jennifer, she caught a couple charges.
She was escorting outside of the AMP.
And you're like, damn, sorry, Jennifer.
And what else?
Laveldrin got his, he got Corn Road.
Damn, La Veldron.
That shit looks tasty.
And everybody brought the tales from their summer back.
You know, somebody had a nice shirt.
They went to Florida.
Remember that?
Florida.
You see, they had the shirt said Florida on it.
And that was the real hitter, somebody that went to Florida.
Like, damn.
I mean, Florida was our moon, you know.
Florida was really our moon.
But there was no, it was so exciting, but then also it was so nervous.
Because every year that first day of school was like, okay, are the girls going to like me this year?
You know, am I just going to be the, am I going to be, is any girl going to look at me?
Is it, you know, what's my vibe going to be?
Who am I?
And sometimes I, you know, I come to school and I had bad acne.
And acne is just, I mean, your dick is so wild and yet when you're young, your dick is just such an animal.
It's trying to climb out of your head from the inside of you.
I mean, while you're laying there at night, your dick will run up through your neck up to your face and try to jump out of your pores.
And your pores get all bruised from the inside and that's acne and it shows on the outside.
And they got a little bit of bust and some of them got a little bit of bust because that's, I mean, you just, your hormones is so vibrant.
Your hormones, you know, they wiling.
And they try, you know, in your dick just scooting around inside of you trying to bust out of your face at night and leaving little divots and stuff.
And that's acne.
And that's another thing.
If you showed up with acne at school, remember, oh, just broke my heart.
Dude, coming to school, you had a huge zit on you.
That thing was heavy.
Some of them, dude, I had acne so bad one time.
I remember having one zit.
It was kind of heavy on the side of my face.
Like, damn.
I couldn't even, I had to have one of my buddies kind of just pull down on my other ear, you know, just to keep my head straight.
Because I had that heavy Z, baby, that big Z, that baked Z D on my side.
I was fully Italian, that, you know, that little bust lump, that acne, that, that thing's trying to, because you were just so horny, remember?
Remember how horny you were as a boy?
As a child?
Remember that?
Dude, some kid died.
I remember we went to his funeral.
He was erect in a coffin.
Like, damn.
Damn, Wallace is, he got that death bust in him.
He's trying to bust from beyond.
It was different, different time.
But I remembered, and I know a lot of you parents have your kids going back to school.
And just my thoughts are with you.
Because I know it's an exciting time, and you guys are looking for a break.
It's probably been a long summer out there.
And I remember my mom, it was risky.
Every day she would leave the house.
And who knows if that thing was going to be standing when she got home?
Just a risk.
She just left a couple dang risk opotamuses just milling around inside of the zoo that was our home when she went to work in the summertime.
What's going on?
My family was in town this past weekend.
My family came out here and it was cool.
You know, we went to Disneyland and it was hectic and chaotic, but it was nice.
You know, it was nice to, my mother came, my brother and my sister came.
They brought their children, five total children, beautiful children, you know, and my family's lucky to, you know, have five able-bodied children that are able to, you know, see and experience and feel and be creative and laugh.
And just, you know, we're really fortunate that, you know, that we have a lot of health in our family.
And it was nice.
You know, my mom was here and it was nice.
You know, it was the first time we'd all ever done something like that all together.
Rented a house, got a nice Airbnb, and we stayed there together.
And it was a little tough for me because I've been dealing with a lot of stress.
And, you know, sometimes I just have to be by myself.
I just can't.
You know, honestly, I was having trouble just being grateful.
And I feel a little sad sometimes because sometimes I go into an experience and I want it to be a certain way, you know.
I want, you know, I want the, you know, I want to, you know, I know my family's coming, so I think, oh, I'm going to be up and at them every morning.
I'm going to be active and, you know, I'm going to help out as much as I can and I'm going to just keep a positive attitude and this and that.
And then, you know, the weekend, finally the week comes, they're coming in town and I've been having to work a lot and just been overwhelmed.
And, you know, and I don't, I was good.
You know, I was a good son.
I was a good uncle.
I was a good brother.
But it's never, I guess sometimes I'll just have too much expectations.
And it almost prevents me from enjoying stuff sometimes because my mind has already created such a cliff that I can't – the odds of me being on that cliff or being at that –
You know, I have this imagination or this expectation in my head that, oh, everything's going to be like this.
And then the truth comes, and look, the kids, they're kids.
One of them, you know, they're wilding out and they're having fun and they're in a new place and there's a swimming pool and they're being kids.
And, you know, the truth is my mom's driving me nuts half the time.
And so, you know, and the truth is, I know sometimes I'm probably driving people nuts.
So I take myself out.
I go put myself in a bedroom for a little bit by myself.
So I don't bother anybody.
Sometimes I got to babysit myself, you know.
And the reality is we had a great time.
It was fun.
You know, we worked as a team.
You know, somebody would cook breakfast and I was, you know, what did I do?
I did, how did I contribute?
I played with the kids.
You know, I made sure all the audio visual stuff, if we were watching a movie or the kids wanted to watch, they had this cool little projector outside that would be on the wall so the kids could watch TV outside.
And that was really cool.
That's one nice thing about California.
The weather, they got an outside projector sometimes.
And so, you know, and so I helped with that.
What else?
I was good.
You know, I contributed as much as I could.
I was good at Disney.
I kept things moving.
I stayed positive.
You know, I didn't be greedy at all.
If it came to finances, I overcontributed or contributed as much as I could afford.
And the truth is we had a great time.
The thing for me was just my expectations.
Sometimes I build these crazy expectations that life is never going to live up to because it's life.
And there's variables.
And there's just, so I got to manage my expectations sometimes, you know.
But I live and learn, man.
You know, I live and learn all the time.
And that's all we do.
I ain't winning this deal.
You know what I'm saying?
We're all getting second place.
Nobody's getting, we ain't getting first, bro.
I'm not getting first, man.
You know, progress, not perfection.
And I know if I go to, you know, I need to go to some more AA meetings and I've been, you know, neglecting my program.
And I know if I do that, then I'll get rid of a lot of The stress that I have inside of me because I'm living life, you know, I'm trying to just, it's all my own will.
I want everything to, and I got to recognize that the world is going to be what it's going to be.
And I can't have a lot of expectations, you know, not from the whole world.
I can expect things out of myself, but I can't be combative with the way the world is or how other people are.
It's just I'll lose every time.
So I'm trying to find a little more gratitude, man.
And man, and my heart goes out.
I was saying, you know, these news stories with these shootings and my heart goes out to the people in those cities and the people that are affected by those things.
And I'm...
My heart goes out to them.
What else is going on?
Yeah, we had a nice time.
And I hate to brush over the family visit, but we went to Disneyland.
And my thing is, my thing about Disney, dude, I like watching, I love seeing Asian people eat big things.
And I used to watch it on the internet.
They used to have a good series out there on the YouTube about it was a lot of Chinese and kind of, you know, kind of Mikos, kind of mini Koreans eating big pieces of pound cake.
And you could see them on their, you know, and it's beautiful.
Because, you know, Asians are probably one of the top, easily top four ethnicities or five.
And when you see them, they're so docile and they're so, and this is a, I'm talking some of the newer generation, it's more active.
You know, you got more, you know, you got a lot more, you know, they got a lot more gunpowder in them, some of the, you know, kind of more recent Asians.
But I'm talking, you go back a generation, you got a lot of DAs, boy, them docile Asians.
And man, watching one of them just kind of just, you know, just navigate a big piece of pound cake or a big cotton candy with that small, that small huffer.
They got that small mouth.
And God, it's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
It's like watching nature work and watching God work.
And so that's one thing I love about Disneyland is seeing, just, just, I mean, you, and you got to pay attention.
There's not a sign that says, hey, hey, buddy, over here.
Look at the Lord work over here.
You got to navigate and see what's going on.
And sometimes on a park bench, just off your, you know, outside of your, you got to kind of go like that.
And you'll see a park bench and they'll have two beautiful ASEANs, baby Asians.
Beautiful.
And they're a beautiful culture and you'll see them, you know, one of them with like a big turkey leg and one of them with a big cotton candy and they, it seems like they're whispering to it, but they're ingesting it.
It's beautiful.
I mean, it's really, it's something that's, you know, I'm surprised it's not in more travel guides.
But I love that.
I love that about Disneyland and just everybody having, everybody having fun.
And we enjoyed it and we made the most of it.
And the kids are crying and they're fighting and somebody drank a bunch of bubbles.
But that's life.
That's life.
And I got to realize that I'm grateful to be in it.
And I am.
And I am.
You know, and I think I've just been struggling a lot with just my gratitude and just remembering to be grateful.
Because my life is good, man.
I'm healthy.
You know, I'm able to breathe.
You know, I have a career that I want.
You know, I have people that love me.
You know, I have a mother that's alive I can talk to.
I have a brother that I know cares about me till the end of the world.
You know, I have the ability to love others.
I have legs that work.
You know, so I can be, I can help others.
You know, I can take action.
I have a voice.
I can speak.
I have the ability.
I have dreams.
And I have the ability to take action on some of them, you know.
And, you know, I just have a lot of blessings.
And I just, I hate when I forget that because it leaves me in a space where I am, I don't know.
I just hate myself when I'm not that.
I don't hate myself, but I don't, I just, I've lived in gratitude before.
And man, it is a good place to be.
You know, because when you're grateful, you're not alone.
And you're not in judgment.
That's the thing.
I just hate being judgmental.
I hate it.
And it's tough because I'm a comedian and there's part of that in there, but there's, I hate it when, you know, I don't know.
Everything's going to be okay.
I'm just going to work.
I'm going to do a little bit better of being in gratitude.
And I'm thankful for you guys.
I'm thankful.
You know, we got sold out shows this week in Sacramento.
I think Las Vegas is almost sold out for this weekend.
And they say that that rarely happens because it's a, you know, Las Vegas is a destination city.
But I'll be in Sacramento on the 8th and 9th of this week.
And then on the 10th, Saturday night, I'll be in Las Vegas.
So you guys can come out.
Theovon.com slash tour.
Also coming up shows in Brea, Biloxi, Scotland, Dublin, Oslo, Stockholm, London, Manchester, and Amsterdam.
We just added another show in Sayreville, New Jersey on October 3rd.
And there's just a lot of shows.
Theovon.com/slash tour, T-O-U-R.
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And look, you know, I've been through, I've had all the erectile problems.
I mean, I've done, you know, dude, I remember about five years I didn't even have an erection.
So if you saw me, you'd be like, damn, that guy just got a lot of loose skin around his kind of near his nuts.
And that was my wiener.
But not anymore.
If I need to get hitting, if I need to get that Tony Gwynn, then I throw that blue chew.
I throw it in my gums, boy.
So let's get to a couple calls here that came in.
The hotline, as always, is 985-664-9503.
And if you're struggling with something, you know, and you need somebody to reach out to or something like that, you can hit the hotline.
And we listen to every call that comes in.
And thank you for being a part of this past weekend and this experience.
Gang, bro.
Always.
Gang, man.
Hey, Theo.
This is Angel in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Actually got the pleasure to meet you.
You helped my family out.
We had a great loss.
Oh, Angel, I do remember that, actually.
Thank you guys for coming out.
I believe you're, I want to say, hold on.
Oh, I have my booklet here.
Usually have some of that stuff written down, but I believe your mother had passed away.
Let's hear more.
And I was listening to the podcast last night, and I've been thinking about it.
And, you know, don't stop being a bright light just because somebody's, you know, having a bad day.
We don't know what that woman was going through, but I'm a single mom of three boys.
And, you know, I would never treat anybody like that.
But some people just weren't raised right.
And some people just don't have that God's heart to say, hey, I'm doing somebody wrong.
You know, we're lucky that we have that kind of spirit in us.
And, you know, I work with people daily doing hospice.
And I listen to your podcast.
And it just always brings like an uplifting spirit.
And what you do for single moms is just amazing.
So don't let this one nasty lady who is probably having a nasty day ruin your spirit.
We love you.
Gang.
Gang Gang.
Thank you for the call.
Angel, I appreciate that.
Yeah, and I know you're talking about last week with the, you know, they had the single mom came out to San Francisco, and she really, really shit the bed.
And, you know, and I think I had expectations.
You know, I think I had, you know, I wanted it to go a certain way.
And there's, there's things I can't control, though.
You're right.
You know, and I felt a little bad about it.
I thought a little bit about it.
Like, part of me is like, you know, I don't know what that lady, you know, you can't make people do anything.
You know, and I'm sure there's been times in my life when people have tried to help me and I've shit on them or I didn't do, you know, I could have done better.
Dude, I remember some people, you know, they let me come live with them when I was a child and the neighbors was lesbians.
And I would drive through their yard in the morning in a 1984 Ford escort and pour vodka out the window for no real reason.
And it wasn't because they were lesbians.
They happened to be lesbians and their yard happened to be across the street.
But I'm sure when those people opened their doors to me, they weren't thinking, oh yeah, this boy going to go hot wheeling, you know, through these munchers fucking hedges.
You feel me?
So, yeah, we all do stuff.
But yeah, you're right.
I appreciate you saying that.
And yeah, I just, you know, I'm going to limit my expectations and or try to and do and do what I can.
And we do what we can.
I think part of it is, yeah, it's like we got a group, we do some good, we're trying to do a little bit of good, and most of the time we succeed.
I mean, out there in Tulsa, too, you know, we had two single moms came out to Kane's ballroom over there, and boy, that was a show.
We put it on them.
And God bless all the single mothers getting their children ready for school coming up on this week.
I know you need a break.
And bless you, young lady, for working in hospice.
You know, you're right there on the front lines of life and death.
And that's, you know, my brother, his wife's grandmother passed away last week.
And she was a beautiful woman.
Man, she always made me feel good every time I saw her.
Avis, that was her name, Mama Avis.
And she always made me feel good.
And I know she was in hospice right before she passed.
And I know you guys are right there.
And it takes a special person to do that work.
And so thank you very much for doing that, Angel.
Let's take some other calls that came in.
985-664-9503.
School's almost back.
Dude, I wouldn't, here's the tough thing.
First of all, spending time with my nieces and nephews this past weekend set me back a couple years on wanting to have children.
Man, they are so energetic and their parents have to be so patient.
And what if your kid ain't even smart?
And you got to get him ready for school.
You know, you spending $130 getting him a bunch of, you know, some new Zapatos for La Escuela.
And you know, he ain't even fucking smart.
That's got to be crazy.
You know, you sending little freaking, you know, little Mark or Lil Darius or little Ector.
You got him $130.
You got him a new pencil pouch.
And you hugging him and saying, oh, yeah, you going to have fun this year, buddy.
Then you close the door and go to your room and you're like, damn, my child is dumb as fuck, man.
He'll be lucky to get through this shit.
That's got to be crazy.
Dude, parents must have to pretend so much, huh?
That's so fascinating, man.
You giving him $2 for lunch knowing he's just going to be fueling up to go back to a class that he ain't even going to fucking do well in.
Man, that's crazy, man.
Shout out to all the parents out there.
You guys are warriors.
You guys are warriors.
I witnessed so many of y'all at Disneyland this weekend working the front lines of raising children.
And it was pretty beautiful, man, just seeing the families all just doing the best they could to make it a nice experience for their kids and the sacrifice.
And it's beautiful.
You know, it's beautiful.
And my mother took my brother and I there when I was young, and I'm sure she probably had to sacrifice a lot to do that.
And so it was nice to have that memory while I was there this weekend.
Let's take another call.
How's it going, Theo?
This is Will from Burlington, Vermont.
What's up, Will from Burlington?
And Burlington, it's Vermont.
I've always wanted to go.
And my luggage went once.
Southwest Airlines messed my luggage up and sent it over there to you guys.
And I don't know what happened to it.
Fuck, somebody probably wearing some of my shit right now.
I did have a nice crew neck sweatshirt that I really, it was kind of heather gray or something.
And it said boys will be boys on the back.
So if anybody sees anybody wearing it over there outside of, I think it was Manchester, Vermont, maybe or something.
I don't know.
I don't know at all, actually.
Let's hear more.
I just listened to your podcast where you put that guy on blast for recommending a single mom that didn't really behave that well.
And I thought that was kind of messed up of you to do that.
I'm a huge fan, but that guy probably really looks up to you.
And I mean, you know, he was just trying to do something nice for somebody who he thought was fine.
And, you know, it turns out, obviously, that she may have been kind of an alcoholic or something along those lines.
But he obviously didn't know that.
And I don't know.
I just feel like you just kind of put him on blast.
You called him during his lunch break and you kind of took out your anger on him.
And I don't know.
I didn't like that.
I mean, that being said, it was pretty entertaining.
But, I mean, he's, you know, you're probably one of his role models.
I think you should have directed that anger towards the woman.
She really screwed up.
Oh, well, I appreciate it, man.
I appreciate the call.
Yeah, you know, I felt bad about that.
When we got to the end of the episode, I was driving home and I was thinking, man, I felt like I forgot something.
You ever know that?
You might be somewhere and you forget something.
Maybe you at a camp out or something and you drive halfway home, you realize, you know, man, you pat in your pockets, you're like, damn, I left my, you know, maybe a Playboy magazine or a hustler or a club, one of them, you know, a little bit of jerk off kind of, you know, novellas really or magazines.
Something you could jerk around to.
Pictures mostly, you know, titties and everything.
But yeah, man, I agree with you.
I felt like I forgot something and I felt like, yeah, I took my anger out on that guy.
You know, I was angry.
I was angry, man.
And I can be angry, you know.
Sometimes I can be nice, and sometimes I can be angry.
I can be both of those people.
I can be somebody who is a loving person and also somebody who overreacts sometimes and doesn't manage things well.
You know, I am a, we all are.
We all are, we're more than one thing.
And that's a good point, man.
And that lady could be more than one thing.
You know, she could be a couple of things.
Now, also, if she's four things, three of those things could be a real bitch.
But you're right, man.
Actually, I think, let me give this guy a call right now, Michael.
And at least leave him a voicemail.
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
At the tone, please record your message.
When you've finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options.
Hey, Michael, what's up, man?
This is Theo.
We spoke last week from the podcast.
You had submitted a single mom for San Francisco who was a real dragon.
But I just wanted to call and apologize.
You know, I feel like I was, you know, I was angry and I think I took it out on you.
And because I couldn't get in touch with the woman.
And maybe it's for the best.
Maybe I'm glad I didn't get it, you know, into an argument with her.
I mean, I just shouldn't have been taking action when I was angry.
So I just want to say I apologize and I hope you forgive me.
I'm sorry.
And, you know, and I appreciate you, you know, caring enough to check out the podcast.
And I know people can spend their time and their efforts doing anything.
And the fact that you have spent any of it listening to me is baffling.
But I'm grateful.
And you cared enough to submit somebody.
And I'm sorry that it turned out kind of the way that it did.
But it certainly isn't your fault.
And it's not my fault either.
And we tried our best.
And yeah, and that's that.
And just, you know, if you check in with her, the single mother again, just tell her I'm sorry that, you know, we couldn't make the evening something for her that she could enjoy.
And I'm sorry that she thought that I was racist.
And I think part of it was that hurt my feelings.
But still, no matter what, none of it I should have taken out on you.
So thankfully, we were able to find a Mexican or Latino mother, single mom, and the gift that we were going to give to your friend, we were able to find a young lady who's very deserving of it, which, you know, we called her at the end of the episode the other day.
So I'm sorry that your friend missed out on her gift.
And you just let her know that I hope she's feeling better than she was whenever she came out to dinner and to the show.
And again, I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.
And if I put, you know, if I called and I called and put it on the show and, you know, it kind of wasn't fair.
So thank you very much for being somebody who cared enough to submit a single mom.
And in the future, I hope to be able to get you tickets or something to a show and repay you.
Fuck.
Beeps always ruin my life.
But I think he gets it.
I hope that left.
Anyway, Jesus, that was a long voicemail.
I'm Chatty.
I am Chatty, I guess, huh?
Let's take another call, man.
And thank you to the caller for bringing that up because it was something that was on my mind.
All right, let's get into another single call in just a second.
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Calling you from sunny South Florida, Fort Lauderdale.
It's calling in.
Down on the Florida Keys, a little place come on.
Just to give you a little comfort about the single mom debacle.
You know, they always say no good deed goes unpunished, but don't let that break your spirit.
I think people should just be nominating fans.
And that lady was obviously not a fan.
So that might be a little guideline to implement.
Second thing with Will the Busmeister.
I think a lot of guys, you know, they're in there doing business and they got a little situation with that premature E-Jack.
And I don't think they want to give away the details to their lady.
So that's why they end up riding it out and maybe get themselves in a situation.
Oh.
Oh.
Well, I didn't know that was something.
That premature ejaculation or that PE boy, that P, you know, that pre-E-Jack.
I didn't know that a lot of guys, if they did it, they was ashamed of it and then stayed in there.
Oh, who is that?
Who would do that, dude?
That seems crazy.
Bro, if you spill pudding in the kitchen, dude, and it's all over the place, you don't just stay in there with it.
You got to get out of the kitchen, man.
You got to go tell somebody, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Just spilled a bunch of pudding in the kitchen.
You know what I'm saying?
You got to have a plan.
You don't just pretend nobody spilled pudding in the kitchen.
You got pudding all over your legs.
You got pudding on your cheeks.
And you going to pretend that nobody spilled pudding in the kitchen?
Guy, guy, guy, guy.
Unbelievable.
As far as the single mom, I think, look, 14 out of 15 single moms have been awesome.
Actually, about 13. Or actually, you know.
You know, I think some of it's just expectations.
I had some expectations, you know.
We sent, you know, it's like, it's like, yeah, I had expectations, and so I shouldn't have had them.
You know, or my expectations should have stopped if no one submitted anybody.
That would maybe be something I could be bummed about.
But, you know, Michael tried to submit somebody.
We did our best, boom.
But yeah, I think in the future, we'll just keep it as is, and we'll just do our best.
And, you know, we should probably vet a little bit better, I think, on our end.
Just make sure that the lady isn't some, you know, kook.
But even then, you don't know.
And at some point, it's just out of our control.
All we can do is try our best.
So let's hear another call right here.
Here we go.
T.O., this is Mike from Raleigh, North Carolina.
Big Mike over there in Raleigh.
And Raleigh Coleman was an assistant principal at one of my schools, and he used to sleep in his car at lunch.
And he would deny it, but I saw him get in there a couple times and kind of close the thing, and he'd rest in there.
And he had a little thing.
He would tie it off and just breathe out a keyhole.
He would take the key piece off and breathe through there, put his mouth about there on the inside and breathe through there.
And sometimes take one of them little sack milk in there with him.
One of them sack milks.
You put that straw in and you just dexter that bitch and then hit it.
Remember those?
And he also would sometimes wear roller skates at lunch and do a little athletics.
But go on, onward.
Not really a hot topic or anything.
I just thought it's kind of a crazy story.
I don't know if you ever heard a surprise baby story, but the day after the 4th of July, we had a baby boy and we had no idea that was coming.
She took some tests back in November, all came back not pregnant.
She was having her cycle, her hitter every month.
Oh, yeah, that Tony Gwynn, baby, batting for the cycle, bro.
It's like a brother gets loose inside of your woman, bro, that Tony Gwynn, and they start acting wild, you know?
And they started just really, just really acting wild.
He never kicked one time.
And 4th of July, she thought she was constipated all day long.
I was driving around, going to go to a fool party, listening to King and the Sting.
And, you know, she said she thought she was constipated and didn't feel good.
So we were going to go to the ER together.
And she ended up going home, going to sleep.
So I was just waiting to get that call she wanted to go, but I never got a call and bought her apartment car was gone.
Called the hospital, said she was getting transported there and came by.
Her dad was outside waiting for me to say I was going to be a daddy.
She was in labor.
I just think it's funny, man.
You know, some people when they're pregnant, they give them all this Beethoven, let the baby in the womb listen to all this stuff.
My kid was listening to this past weekend, King and the Sting and that Congratulations by Chris Delia.
Oh, God.
Sorry about that part.
Hope the kid will be okay.
Onward.
And I just thought you think that's cool, man.
Maybe he'll grow up to be a comedian one day.
That's all for you, man.
Gang Gang.
Gang Gang, bro.
He might be a comedian.
He might also grow up, you know, to be a mime.
I mean, that dude must be hella quiet if nobody even knew he was in their body for nine months.
Think about it.
If I got something in my body for nine months and it doesn't make a peep, that's not even a baby, man.
That's a ninja.
Your wife had a ninja.
So you might want to give that thing a piece of cat, you know, a big piece of pound cake or a big turkey leg or a cotton candy.
Because you got that low-key, that secret Asian, baby.
That's a damn ninja, dude.
If you didn't, dude, I never gone to the toilet and come back a parent.
I mean, that's dark arts, brother.
You know, and God bless you guys with the new baby.
And I'm so excited for you, but I never, you know, I never been over at, you know, at a chick's house and she busts a fart or something or a little bit of body gas.
And next thing you know, I'm a stepfather.
So I don't know what's going on, but y'all might need to get on keto or y'all might need to get on a, you might need to get a sonogram at the house, brother.
You know what I'm saying?
You got to know when you just got to know if something's living inside of your body, I think, I guess.
Or maybe you don't.
You know what, actually, bruh?
This sound great.
You didn't have to spend any money on the baby shower.
You didn't have to paint the room or do all of that.
Dude, if this baby can be quiet for nine months inside of a woman's body, he can sleep in the garage.
He could sleep in a fucking, in one of the DeWalts in the truck.
Dude, you could put this baby anywhere.
Dude, you could put this baby in a glove box, baby, leave him in there overnight.
Put a sack milk in there with him like your boy Raleigh Coleman.
So look, man, I think you need to write a book on how to have that zero-dollar baby.
Because you heard a million-dollar baby, Hillary Swank, but you never heard of $0 baby.
That's what you got to write.
How to have a baby, zero dollars, zero sonograms, no baby clothes.
Silent baby.
Baby, you got a damn mind, brother.
And congratulations, man.
I'm happy that you're a father.
And it sounds like your wife is doing okay.
And, you know, it sounds like y'all beautiful over there.
And thank you for sharing that remarkable story.
That's remarkable.
Jesus.
Here we go.
Let's take one more call.
985-664-9503.
And, you know, Skillshare.
You know, and if you want to support the podcast, people are like, man, I love the podcast.
How can I support?
Go try one of the deals.
Get you to Blue Choose.
Get you to hitters.
You know, start using ShipStation.
Quit doing all this stuff yourself and not being able to figure it out.
Or go to skillshare.com slash Theo Vaughn.
Skillshare is an online learning community for creators.
And creators, man, they're people that are making something.
You know, just like in Bishop Gunn, they say, I'm making it.
That's creators, man.
And you might be making something.
Maybe this guy is suddenly, he's making that book.
He's going to make the $0 baby, how to do it.
How to, you know, have a baby inside of your wife and not tell anybody.
I mean, now that's the move.
The other guy called in and said, look, if you, you know, if you spill pudding in the kitchen, you got to tell them.
Maybe this guy tells you where to put the pudding so nobody even knows.
They got a dessert milling around in them.
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No, you don't, Daniel.
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Wow, you got a new baby?
What, man, a lot going on.
You know, we apologize To Michael.
We got school starting back.
We're living life.
We're living life, man.
And thank you guys for reminding me that I am because I walked in here today and I was just, you know, I wasn't remembering that.
And that's why I'm grateful you guys are here to remind me of, you know, that good things are going on.
And if I don't feel like they're going on in my life, if they're going on in yours and you tell me about them, then they are going on in mine too.
Gang, gang, let's take this call.
Hey, Theo, it's Darren from Omaha.
And I just wanted to maybe ask the listeners for some advice.
34 years old this December and just seems like a really fucked up life and it doesn't really seem for the obvious reasons.
I went to school, got an undergraduate degree and a master's degree, and don't have a criminal record still because of student loans and whatnot, living with the parents.
And it's real hard to meet a lady because of having to have a mountain worth of student loan debt.
And I just.
Oh, yeah.
It's hard to fuck at your parents behind a bunch of debt.
That's hard to do.
No lady is like, hey, yeah, let's go over to your parents and fuck behind all your bills.
That's tough onward.
I figured when I was younger that life would be better, especially if I walked the straight and narrow.
I did have a lot of fun, but it just seems like life isn't really adding up to being what I expected it to be.
So if there's anyone else out there who's in their 20s and 30s who is suffering with a mountain of student loan debt, maybe they have some advice on how they're getting through.
Just paying enough bills like I can as fast as I can.
But thanks.
Bye.
Thank you for calling, man.
And I'm sorry that you're dealing with that struggle.
And this call actually came in.
I'm reading this note here.
It says this call came in a week back.
And then we got another call from him.
But I want to say this about student loan debt.
Get consolidation.
Check out different companies and pay a lower rate over a longer time.
Pay it for the rest of your life.
Who cares?
So many people I hear, or this is what I think.
This may be not what you think.
So you don't have to listen right now.
But just pay it.
Who cares if you have to pay it for 50 years?
Who gives a damn?
Pay it.
$50 or $100, $200 for 50 years, fucking pay it.
Oh, well.
Just pay it.
So many people like, I got to do fuck that.
Spend the rest of your money enjoying your life, living your life.
Pay that little bit by a little bit over time.
Who knows?
Elections in eight years or whatever, they may bankrupt the whole nation by paying your student loan debt.
So then nobody has student loans, but everybody's just out in the street, you know, and it's war, and it's total war because there's no, because nothing means anything.
I don't know, man.
We'll see.
But I just say this, man, don't beat yourself up over that.
And student loan debt isn't that much.
You know, in the big amount it is, but in the small monthly amount it isn't.
And we can pay that.
So you just got to work a little bit harder, man.
You know, there's been times where I was making nothing, but, you know, we can pay that.
It's not that insane.
And you know.
Sorry man.
I got a little.
I've been jazzed out, man.
Like I got damn Wenton Marsalis in me.
Let's take another call.
Hey, hey, Theo, it's Darren from Omaha, Nebraska, and I'm really actually that.
Okay, and this is Darren again called a week later.
This is a fresh call.
Too thankful you haven't had a chance to play my other message yet.
I was really beating myself up in that last one.
And this last episode from July 29th, it really helped out.
I mean, honestly, when I started focusing on the fact that I'm hitting the gym five days a week, making my fat ass go there and also have a full-time job and also taking care of other people and trying to make other people's lives better by being a good human being, I have a lot going for me.
And my situation will eventually change.
And I really appreciate that last episode focusing on action because I think things are going to get better.
It's just a matter of time.
Thanks.
Gang, gang.
Gang, bro.
Wow.
Yeah, man, that's amazing, man.
A week, you know, the perspective change.
You say you've been going to the gym, getting your blood flowing.
Every time, that is the solution for me.
Every time.
If my brain is leaking, bruh, then I got to get my pores to start leaking.
I got to get sweat activity.
They call that sweat activity.
Because once my body starts feeling good, I feel like I can do anything.
You know, by nature, we're supposed to be in motion.
By nature, we are supposed to be in motion.
The world is round, according to most people.
And, you know, you're not supposed to be sedentary on a round object.
If you see a seal on a ball, they're moving.
They're moving to keep their balance.
They're moving.
If you see a seal on a block, they're doing nothing.
You know, they're doing cigarettes.
They're doing pudding packs.
They're doing Pop-Tarts with the icing on them.
And I like the ones without icing.
But what was it talking about?
But what I'm saying is we're supposed to be in motion.
We built this world now and this society, especially in America here, where we're really sedentary.
Like I'm sitting here in a damn desk now.
I'm in a room that's inside of another room that's inside of a building.
I'm three rooms deep right now.
I'm so disconnected from activity at this moment.
So we got to go out and get it.
You know, our bodies were meant to be really like oceans.
They're supposed to move and flow and get the vibe.
You got to get that vibe.
So if I'm out here with no vibe doing nothing, doing hostess cakes and, you know, just being a damn snackodactyl and fucking smoking, you know, free basin Fritos, then yeah, I'm going to be nothing, bro.
I'm going to be slow.
Or I'm going to be looking at all the doldrums.
But yeah, we can stay busy.
And yeah, and I appreciate you reminding me, man, because I need to hear it.
It's just a boomerang we made here.
I say something, then y'all say something.
And we go back and forth, man, and we stay alive, bro.
I love that.
Let's take another call here, 985-664-9503.
And go attack that student debt, man.
Look at that as a challenge.
All right, government, you want to put student debt on me?
Go live, dude, get your life.
Get your life.
You can do it, man.
You're a capable guy.
You sound capable.
You could do whatever.
This is our life.
We have to do it now.
Gang, boy.
CEO, what's going on, man?
This is Mark from Pittsburgh, a little north of Pittsburgh, Butler PA.
Out of Butler PA, man.
In Pittsburgh, everybody knows a couple ladies came down from West Virginia once, and they tried to give me a little sex out there by the parking garage down there.
Down there by Union Station or whatever.
And I got a little bit of it, you know?
And they was aunt and niece.
And they said they wanted, they was from Wheeling, West Virginia.
And they said they came to give me some of that wheeling feeling.
And I got a little bit of it.
And it was okay.
I would say probably it was all right.
It wasn't crazy, but it wasn't too...
Onward.
And I was just listening to your podcast talking to Bishop Gunn about how they were in that Rolling Stones header.
You know, it's funny that you guys talked about fans of the podcast being fans of Bishop Gunn because my fiancé and I are huge fans of the podcast and we have become huge fans of Bishop Gunn as well.
They're so good, man.
Dude, I'll be honest with you.
When I first heard them, I didn't even think they were any good, bruh.
But the more I heard them, I think they are good.
And then I think they're really good.
Gang, bro.
And we're going to be getting married this August.
August 10th, to be precise.
And after we say I do, Sean is going to be playing by Bishop Gunn when we're walking down the aisle.
And that's just because your podcast, when we hear that, we know we're about to get in a good mood.
And we just want to get sent off right.
And a song that puts us in the right bond and the right spirit.
Thank you for everything you do.
Thank you for everybody you help.
And yeah, gang, gang.
Gang, gang.
Man, thank you, dude.
I appreciate that message, man.
You know, that really lifted my spirits.
Man, you just put me in a nice place just now.
You know, you put something in me that feels good.
And I think it's just because you came with the positivity.
You know, you came with the care.
You know, you got the wife.
You got a special moment.
You know, you related it to us and everybody who listens and pays attention to this deal.
And you made us feel like we have some value a little bit.
Or that's what I felt.
And so thank you very much, man.
We're happy to be part of your wedding, man.
That shine, baby, it does make me feel good.
You know what?
I'm going to get out of here on it right now, I think.
I'm going to get out of here on some shine.
And yeah, I got to stay in the light because that's the only way we win.
The other side, it's just there's no end to it.
The judgment, look, man.
You know, like, nothing on the outside is going to change the way I feel except for me and the way I interact with the world.
If everything is, if something's always wrong, then something's wrong with me.
And it doesn't make me a bad person if something's wrong with me.
It doesn't make me a bad person if I have a bad day.
You know, it doesn't make me a bad person.
You know, I just, but I got to write the ship.
I don't stay alone.
I communicate with others.
A lot of it I do right here.
Talking with you guys, listening to people talk.
The guy has the baby, you know.
They think it's a little, you know, a fart or something or a belch.
Imagine that.
Dude, I'd be afraid to pat my wife on the back after that.
She'll burp up, you know, a damn stroller with twins in it, man.
Oh, man.
But, you know, I'm glad you got a lady and I'm glad y'all going to be coming down the aisle.
That's what made me, that's what it did.
Just picturing two people coming down to the aisle to a song that I know makes me feel good, so I know it makes you feel good.
And man, I could just relate.
That music, isn't it?
It's funny what music does when it gets in us.
It's funny how it can do something special to us.
Music.
It's interesting.
It's like a little baby, you know?
It's that air ninja.
It really is, man.
I'm going to take us out of here on that, man.
I'm going to take us out of here with a little bit of shine.
Michael, again, I'm sorry if I put you on blast last week.
I could have done better.
I'm not really sorry if I'm still angry at that lady a little bit.
I'm not really angry at her.
Actually, I'm more grateful that we found a young lady, you know, who is excited about us.
And yeah, man, whatever.
It's all good, dude.
Everything will be okay.
You know, I need to expect less and do more and show up with a positive attitude.
And, man, we're pretty lucky, aren't we, guys?
We are pretty lucky.
Thank you guys for being here this weekend.
What else?
Any other news I got to share with you?
Maybe some things, but I'm waiting until next week when I'll have more information, but you guys be good to yourselves, man.
Let's take it out of here with a little bit of Bishop Gun.
Bishop Gun.
Do you say I do?
Yes, do you say I do?
You may now kiss the bride.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home?
And my mind is somewhere else.
But when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been thrown.
Now I'm just falling on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of my life out.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that park and breathe and let myself shine.
Find that light on me I'll sit and tell you my story Shine on me I will find a song I will sing it Just for you And I
I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of mine that I've been robbing on.
Their walls so thin that they damn near gone.
I guess now they just work.
Mid to last.
Congratulations on that wedding, man.
Check your wife, check your spouse for babies, everybody.
Check your lady for a damn baby.
That ain't a mole.
That might be a baby.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my story.
Shine on me.
Come on now.
And I'll be the final song.
I'll sing it just before you.
I'll find the words to help you.
All right, let's go all the way, man.
If you call my name, I'll sing it to you.
Shine on me.
I'll sit and tell you my story.
Shine on me.
And I'll give you the final song I would sing it just for you.
Oh, I am till death do y'all part, man.
I wish you a million happy years together.
And uh, yeah, be good to each other, huh?
And be good to yourself, man.
You deserve it.
And thank you for, you guys, for reminding me to do the same.
Gang.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jermaine.
Oh, hi.
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no.
No!
I think Tom Hanks is the buddy.
Anyway, the first rule the Kai Club is, tell everyone about Kai Club.
Second rule the Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah.
