All Episodes
July 22, 2019 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:11:52
Never-ending Walmart | This Past Weekend #216

Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Theo talks about feeling restless at night, starting a non-profit, and listens to some voicemails. This episode is brought to you by Manscaped Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code THEO at https://Manscaped.com Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Music Intro Sweet Child O’ Mine Cover Tiny Sandhu Outro “Makin’ It” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/MakinIt_BishopGunn Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alex Wang Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Annmarie Reilly Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brad Moody Brandon Kirkman Carla Huffman Charles Herbst Christian Coyne Christina Peters Christopher Becking Claire Tinkler Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dakota Montano Dan Draper Dan Perdue Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook David Christopher David Smith David Witkowski Dentist the menace Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Donald blackwell Doug C Dusty Baker Fast Eddie Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia J.P. Jacob Rice Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jim Floyd Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Lauren Williams Lawrence Abinosa Leighton Fields Luke Bennett Mandy Picke'l Mariah Marisa Bruno Meaghan Lewis Meghan LaCasse Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mona McCune Nick Roma Nick Rosing Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell OK Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Robyn Tatu Ryan Hawkins Ryan Walsh Sagar J Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Sean Scott Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Shannon potts Shona MacArthur Stephen Selph Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Travis Simpson Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Victor Montano Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Alright.
What is it, dude?
Alright.
Dang, dude.
Oh, man, I look like a frickin' comb my hair with a damn shovel.
Alright.
I have on pants with um, and I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but I'm, I have on pants with sandals.
Pants with sandals.
And every time I do that, I feel my feet feel like they're just up to no good, you know?
My feet feel like they're...
Just because I guess like the cold air kind of hits them and, you know, when they're just so damn exposed, if you're wearing damn, you know, you got your damn toes out there, your freaking your little dangle pieces out there at the end of your feet.
Because your toes are just like, almost like 10 small, like little Floridas just hanging off your body.
But yeah, when I have pants on and sandals, I feel.
Oh, and then a dog comes up and licks your toes?
I mean, let's be honest, bro.
That's the dark arts right there.
Yeah, man.
Yeah.
We'll be right back.
That's that intro header right there.
That's uh signy.
That's a signy signy.
That's tiny sand who putting that sound paste on your damn hearing on your hearing brushes.
And if you guys don't know who Tiny is, Tiny's a you know, he's that rare earth element.
Tiny Sand who is a man, you know, when this pod, you know, when we first started doing this, he would send us sound.
And he records deep in the earth.
We don't know where he's from.
I mean, if you took a damn, if you quit, you know, quit combing your hair with a shovel and use the shovel naturally in its natural locale into the earth, I bet somewhere down there you'd find a damn treasure box and you'd open it up.
And inside of there'd be tiny sandhoo, a small man.
We don't know how many, nobody's seen him.
And he'd be playing a little bitty, a little bitty guitar, you know.
But that's him.
He hit me through email years ago.
And every couple months he'll send in something.
And this message came from him, and this is all truthful, and this is all honest.
He said, hey, man, I've been living a different life in a different dimension for a while.
But fuck that, man.
I'm back.
And coming through with that interplanetary hitter.
A cover of Sweet Child of Mine.
And that's it, Tiny Sandwho.
And that could be Middle Eastern.
I'm not sure what he is.
But we're gracious for that hitter.
And we're hoping to have a new website up here in the next two weeks.
And then people can submit their sounds, music, melodies, and this and that to be a part of the experience.
And that'll be that.
What's going on?
Not much, man.
What did I do this weekend, really?
You know, I got my nieces and nephews are coming out here in two weeks to go to Disney.
See the mouse, you know it.
And I remember when I was real young, you know, they had a man next door, kind of an older guy.
And I don't want to say a pervert, but he always said his zipper on his pants didn't work well.
So, you know, you can kind of, you could get a dang, you could get a stencil and some markers and draw your own conclusion on that.
But this man, he would always say, come see the mouse, you know.
Y'all want to go to Disney World, come see the mouse.
And you get by him and he had a little mouse in his hand.
A little bitty mouse, you know.
Reminds me of that circus mouse on Green Mile.
Remember that movie?
Remember that movie that killed the big black guy that killed Michael Clark Duncan?
And they got the man on there with the circus mouse, that little white, kind of shifty guy.
Looked like his eyes are playing in a little bit of a, like his eyes are always kind of shooting at each other a little bit.
He got that little circus mouse.
You know, he goes, oh, it's going to be a little bit of a circus mouse.
Remember that?
But I could see myself, I don't know if I could train animals.
Actually, I could.
You know, I don't want to doubt myself.
That's one thing recently I've been tired of just doubting myself.
You know, I want to believe.
I want to just start to just believe that I could do what I want to do.
Or I could do anything.
I could train animals.
I could, you know, I could be a high diver.
You know, I could, you know, I could hold my breath for a long time.
You know, just different, it could be anything, man.
It could be really anything.
And I just, I guess I want to start believing in myself more.
What else was I thinking about?
Oh, I went to look at a car, You know, and I'm looking at a Jeep Grand Cherokee.
And I always wanted to have one.
And so thinking about treating myself and getting something like that.
You know, just that hitter, you out there, that little, you know, that little, and you got that vehicle and your cruise.
And I love that.
Dude, remember when you were young, bruh?
And you left the house for the first time in your car?
I remember looking back at my folks and being like, man, I can't believe they fucking let me go.
They know sure fire.
I'm about to go get me a little bit of junts, you know?
And it was, I don't even know what holiday it was, Thanksgiving.
Dude, I'll get a couple damn turkey junts and just huff them things and just get my lungs all freaking, you know, cornucopia cooked out, bro.
I was just, literally, I drove 200 feet to my neighbor's, bro, and drove there and got some weed.
And I was just, I remember my mom could even see me from where I drove down.
It wasn't, I lied to her.
I said, I'm going to get something.
I'm going to the market or I'm going to get some gas.
And she said, you have a full tank.
And I said, well, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to top it off.
Because it was my first time, that first experience right there.
But I remember that.
And I drove just about 200 feet into my neighbor's driveway and bought weed right there in front of my mom.
My mom said, damn, you're an idiot.
And she was right.
She was right about that one that time.
Now I have evolved since then, but she was right about that.
But remember how shitty everybody's car was when you were a kid?
Unless you were rich, then you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
But remember how shitty, bro?
I remember one dude, they had this guy in our town, this guy, Big Samuel, and he had a van and it wouldn't shut off.
So that bitch, you had to constantly be putting gas in it.
It wouldn't shut off, dude.
There was no like on-off.
It was either when the gas was in, it would start up, and when it was out of gas, it would stop.
There was no, I think somebody either stole the ignition or something happened.
Sorry, had me a little sip of that coffee.
Dude, coffee, let's be honest, that's like damn cocaine for your lungs, bruh.
Right when you bring that cup to your mouth, it's like your lungs just pulled over under, you know, off the interstate and bought a, you know, bought a swift, you know, bought a couple, just a wet, a wet brown gram of joy.
What's going on?
Dude, I have this crazy kind of thing that's been kind of milling around in the background that I want to share with you, but I don't want to like jinx myself.
Do you ever get like that?
Like you want to share like some news or something, but you don't want to like jinx your own life?
I get like that sometimes.
I was at the comedy store this weekend.
Everybody was in Montreal for the comedy festival.
And I was just by myself.
And man, I get this thing at night where like I get, you know, like everything was good.
And then the next thing, you know, I downloaded Snapchat.
And, you know, Snapchat should be shut down.
I mean, anything can get through Snapchat.
It's like our borders, basically.
It's like, whatever.
They got a meal.
They got, you know, Snapchat is very, it's just so dangerous.
I know I've talked about it before, but I didn't really realize this.
You know, I get this thing at night when I'm by myself and it just, like, I get like restless.
Like, I just, I don't know.
I just get restless.
I want to do something.
You know, but I don't even know what I want to do sometimes.
I just don't know what I want to do.
But it's like I want to like growl at something or I want to just, you know, just nibble on something, a titty or something.
I don't know what it is.
Something.
I just want to do something.
I have this thing and that I get restless.
And maybe it's just, you know, it could be like a sign of the times.
Like because we're going from such an era of just human to electronics.
You got to think about that.
I mean, you know, 30 years ago, the only volts going through your body was a heartbeat.
That was it.
If you wanted to check me for some type of rhythm or a voltage or something, heartbeat.
That was, you know, that systole and diastole, bruh.
And those were also a couple of kind of redneck brothers in my town.
Twins, you know, systole and diastole.
Harper was the last name.
But that's also, you know, that's part of your aortas.
Because your heart just is like a, your heart's like a shoebox, but the shoes are all blood.
And anyway, but if you check somebody's body, that was it.
The main frequency rolling through them was that heartbeat, that, you know, that.
Or if they went for a jog, then it would be that.
Or if they was doing a little bit of Coke, it would be like, or if they had just bought a shark, it would be like, So, but that was it.
That was your only vibe, was that your only vibration inside of you that you're, you know, that nature's drum, the heart.
And then now you got all of the, you got, there's electric waves going everywhere.
You know, I just wonder sometimes if my angst is a side effect of just all the electricity and stuff that's in the air, all the vibes that are out that are just cruising.
I mean, dude, there's an email.
If you send an email, where do you think it Goes, bro, through the ground, dude.
No, through the air.
That's a damn word, bird, bro.
That thing is so.
If you're chilling, if you're chilling, and next thing you know, you feel something, you know, I wouldn't be surprised one day they crack a guy open on a deathbed and he gots a bunch of damn Best Buy emails clogged up in his body or something or some, you know, who knows is what I'm trying to, I guess, saying.
So that's been that, I guess.
But yeah, I guess at night sometimes I get kind of, I don't know, there's this thing inside of me and it just wants to act out.
It's almost like a, just like a, it feels like a little gopher that won't brush his teeth or something.
He's just hiding like in the base of my neck and in the back of my wiener.
And he wants to just be out there.
And he wants to be naughty, man.
That's how I feel sometimes.
I can't.
I wish I could explain it to you better, but that happens to me at night.
A lot of time by myself, I get that naughty gopher just milling.
I mean, that thing is just fucking loitering around in the back of my nuts, in my nut sock, you know it.
And in France, they say nut sock, and that's nutsack.
But it's kind of beautiful, isn't it?
What else?
But yeah, dude, fucking Big Samuel had that van and that bitch wouldn't shut off.
So you had to keep it rolling.
You had to just go get more gas.
You would siphon gas.
I don't know if you ever siphoned gas or ever, you know, giving a blowjob to a mechanic, but you get that hard hit and then the gas is coming up fast.
You got to get away from the hose.
And if you don't get away from the hose real quick, then you can't, then that gas will get you.
You get bit by that gas.
It'll jump out of the hose and bite you in the face.
And you can't have a cigarette for about a month after that because you'll cook yourself out.
Oh, man.
What else happened?
Oh, I went to a church this weekend.
I actually went to a church service.
It was real cool in downtown in Los Angeles.
I hadn't been to something like this.
It was like a big event.
And it was, you know, and I'm not, you know, sending any, you know, the thing that I love about an environment that I loved about this environment was just seeing people, all types of people, just being fearless, kind of, fearless to like believe in something other than themselves.
You know?
And I don't even know if it was denominational.
I don't think this, I don't even know if this, if it had a denominational, it was called Voo, V-O-U-S Conference.
And it was downtown in Los Angeles.
And it just was, you know, because sometimes when I think about, you know, when I think about like religion and stuff and I think about faith and I used to not believe in anything.
You know, when I was young, I didn't believe in anything.
You know, I only believed in myself, really.
And as I get older, you know, I want there.
And I don't even know if it's as I get older, as I get more willing, you know, I want there to be something else.
I want there to be.
You know, you ever go to Walmart and you think it's just going to go on forever?
Remember that?
You go to Walmart and first, you up front, they got the candy and they got a couple pound cakes or something that, you know, they didn't make quite a pound.
They're like three quarter pounds instead of defective.
They got those defective areas up front.
40 cents for a pound cake and you got that bad bitch, you know?
You pick a couple up of them sweet sugary freaking breads, you know.
And then you go and they got children's clothing.
Then they got, you know, stuffed dinosaurs and board games.
And then they got lotion.
And then the food starts up.
And they got damn watermelons.
And they got the awe.
What are the things, you know, you sit down in them and you're not sure of yourself and you can almost get trapped kind of, but you're in Hawaii or something.
Not mannequins.
Hammocks.
So you got, you know, you got, you have these, you know, you keep cruising.
Then they got TV dinners.
Then they got, you know, liquor.
They got vodka and gin and everything.
Then they got 700, you know, different types of orange juice.
And you think Walmart's never going to end, man.
You just keep going and going.
You running through that thing and you just, they got milk and then they got live animals and they got guns.
Then they got Genesis.
Then they got Exodus and then they got, you know, next thing you know, you're in Terminator 3. Like there's just so many different sections of Walmart.
But then you get to the back of it.
You get to the wall.
It's like, oh, man, this, it ends, you know?
You notice some toilets back there.
And there's like a, there's like a thing that there's like literally like 600 signs that tell employees to wash their hands, which is bizarre, I think.
Like, gee, like, what kind of problems are we having, you know, if people aren't washing their hands that much?
You know, especially if they're handling everything.
Everything from board games to bison jerky to, you know, adult suppositors.
And what was I talking about?
Oh, this was it.
And I think that's what I think about life.
You know, I don't want there to be or not life existence.
You know, I don't want there to be nothing else.
I just don't want there to be.
You know, I think it'd be real scary to let go of like the life of the existence that we know.
But, you know, I think that, you know, that God is like an origami.
He does origami.
And we're the paper and he'll just fold us and put us out into something.
And, you know, here you got folded up into a human.
And then next time he puts you, he'll make you damn a little raccoon out there or something.
And you're in France or you're in Japan.
Maybe he'll make you, you know, he'll fold you up and you were just like a pack of starbursts or something out there.
You know, anything.
You could be a fireball.
Maybe you work for a dragon, you're a fireball.
But it's like, I want to be folded up into something else when this is done.
I just.
And it was just interesting.
It was great to see people just together, all different types of people, man.
I mean, they had this one little guy, this little, you know, he was like kind of like Asian and Mexican, this little kind of Vietnam, you know, Vietnam, this Vietnexican, this little Vietnamxican.
This dude was, you know, he had these pistolas.
He had his hands like pistolas.
And he was just kind of almost twerking this little guy.
And he might have had a back problem.
And if you have a back problem, then everything you do is kind of twerking a little bit.
And you know that.
And anyway, he, but I was watching him just sing these songs and they had everybody just fired up.
And dude, I got so much joy out of just watching somebody else have fun.
So it was a, anyway, it was just a neat experience.
It was just a neat experience to see people not being afraid to admit that they want to believe in something other than themselves.
Because that's where I have a tough time with a lot of things in my life.
I'm finding recently I just want to do things myself.
I want to believe in things myself.
It's hard to let go.
It's hard to just really let go.
But man, it looked, when people do it and they, it looked fun, man, it looked joyous to see people just really just surfing on that beautiful vibe vibe.
Just being free, man, they just, people seem free.
But yeah, if you get to that, imagine when you get to the back of the Walmart, when you hit the wall, it all kind of just, by the yogurts, bruh.
You know, they'll have about 40 yards of yogurt off of there, off the end, in like a big kind of, you know, milk kennel.
And they got, I mean, and they got peach yogurt and the damn, I mean, they got so many types of yogurt, man.
When are we shutting this shit down?
Dude, we need to build a wall around some of these cows' udders.
Because the types of, I mean, they got, I mean, every type of yogurt's coming in, man.
You got, I did, the other day I saw lime yogurts, bro.
Dude, you can't have lime and dairy?
What?
What kind of cow is it?
It's like the Steve-O of cows.
You can't have that.
Lime and dairy, they are arch rivals.
And they have that.
They had the other day, they had a Spanish yogurt.
What the fuck is that, dude?
That's just yogurt.
So it just seemed like there's a lot going on out there when you get to the back of the Walmart.
But when you hit that wall, it just...
I thought I'd be able to keep just running past the frozen foods, past the big, huge thing of the beach balls.
You know, maybe get to England.
Who knows?
Next thing you know, I'm underwater.
Next thing you know, I'm dating Ariel.
Next thing you know, I got 101 Dalmatians, and Cruella's fucking dead, bro.
And I'm living life letting them puppies run over my body.
Just letting them pups just paw print all over Daddy's fucking naked back.
So, I don't know, man.
I just, I don't know, dude.
You know what I do know, actually?
I don't want there to be nothing.
And I don't think there is.
I think life is too much of an experience for there not to be more, man.
You know, more will be revealed.
That's what I want.
And I believe that you get what you believe, what you want.
I believe you get that.
If you want to be a salamander when you die, next thing you know, you're going to be swimming for a long time.
People don't think about that.
Some people are like, oh, I want to be a fish when I die.
Well, dude, have you ever, I swam for nine minutes, dude, at my cousin's birthday party.
Almost during.
Almost during.
Imagine swimming fucking 24 hours a day.
And fish can't even sleep, really.
A fish, because you can only sleep on the banks, you know?
They can only sleep on the bank.
And if they jump on the bank, they can only sleep for five or six seconds or eight seconds before they get real nervous because there's no, because it's air.
And then you fucking swimming again.
That looks hectic.
What else?
I had some sushi this weekend.
I don't know if you guys have ever gotten involved with this damn...
What they're doing to these fish, man, the Japanese, man.
It's...
I mean, basically, it's really...
So, I mean, I'd rather pay them, you know, I love Chinese food, you know?
Dude, you give me an orange chicken, a little bit of cinnamon on that.
You give me that freaking that Sergeant Pepper chicken or whatever it is.
A little bit of orange chicken.
Throw a little bit of cinnamon on that, bruh.
Sprinkle that cine on that fucking, on them vittles, baby.
Come out.
You know, finish that hitter off.
Maybe polish it all off with a little menthol ciggy.
You can find me with the Lord, brother.
That's that Lord's meal.
But yeah, I mean, sushi, it's basically, look, I'd rather, I'd pay him two extra dollars, cook the shit.
You know?
And they're not, here's the deal for me.
They're not even, I've never heard of any of the fish.
They gave a box, the sushi box, about $50.
$50 for the box.
You think it's a board game and you open it up and it's damn fish, you know?
It's like, where the hell's Balderdash?
Why, you know?
It just very confusing.
And the fish, you never heard of them.
Tamarindo, what is that?
Where is that?
I've never heard of that.
You know why?
Because nobody has.
And then they got, you know, they got the, they got salmon in there.
They got the Mackie Mackie.
Dude, I want the hard polish.
I want the, where's the good shit, baby?
Where the bass?
At least throw a couple cuts of fucking fresh bass in this bastard.
You know?
At least carve me a little carp.
You feel me?
Carpe carp, daddy.
It's like, put something in here that I can deal with.
Or just cook it.
Because sushi, man, it's just, I don't hate it, but I don't get it.
You know, and I don't know a lot of people that do.
It's good, but what is it, though?
And why aren't they cooking it?
Look into it.
That's all I'm saying.
Oh, I don't even know what I'm talking about today, dude.
What am I talking about?
I don't know.
I got my hopes up.
I got my hopes up.
And we'll see.
You know, who knows?
Life is so wild.
Dude, how about Tanya Milosevic that we had in?
Unbelievable, wasn't it?
And if you haven't listened to that episode, she's a young blind lady that came in and just, man, you know, I've been having trouble.
I was thinking about not doing interviews anymore because I did the Jordan Belfort one.
And I didn't like him, honestly.
I didn't like him.
And I hate to say that, but I didn't.
I didn't like him.
And I didn't, but I didn't do a good job of trying to figure out what was going on with him or figure out what made him, you know, seem greedy or behave a certain way or just, I don't know.
I feel like I probably could have tried to do a better job of connecting with him.
And so I don't know.
We're going to try and just look at a different way that we can do interviews and who we interview to make it more of an experience that I can be comfortable in and enjoy and want to engage in.
You know, I wish I would have asked him, you know, or talked about greed and what I think about greed and where I find greed in my life and how I could have related it to him.
I don't know.
I just felt like, and I'm not being hard on myself.
I just want to do it well.
I don't want like wasting people's time.
You know, if you think about time, then you can't even think about it forever because you'll run out of it.
So it's, you know, it's that tricky ticky.
It's that tricky tick tick ticky.
But I thought interview, talking with her was so cool, man.
It really just, you know, it just made me, it made me want to learn more.
You know, it made me want to believe that I can learn more and that I can, you know, just, it made me believe that there, I don't know, it just made me think, oh, well, there is a way that I can do this and enjoy it.
There's more out there.
You know, there's a Walmart that goes on forever, man.
I'm talking about never-ending Walmart here.
And I know that's what Nick's going to call the episode as well.
Nick picks out the episode titles.
If you don't know that, just filling in on that.
Oh, I do have some really cool news.
So we're going to do Single Mom's Night out in San Francisco.
If you know a single mother who you'd like to nominate, you can hit the hotline 985-664-9503.
You know, don't, you know, just be careful about it.
We don't want to hurt anybody's feelings or anything like that.
So, but yeah, we would love to treat a single mother out to the show one night and then do something nice for them and their kiddo or kiddos.
But we are, it looks like anyway, we're going to be able to start an actual nonprofit.
That's the goal.
So going to be having someone work full-time, not full-time, part-time.
So sometimes on building that, you know, helping out single mothers or helping out single mothers who are, you know, financially unstable, financially troubled.
And all of our single moms haven't been.
Some of these ladies, it's all different types.
But in order for it to be an actual nonprofit, it has to be charitable.
That's one thing I learned.
So we have to make sure that we will help out people that are really struggling.
And so anyway, we're going to work on that.
We're having somebody look into that and really kind of move that forward and apply for a nonprofitership.
So pretty cool.
Pretty cool.
You know, I have envisions of like of, you know, having like places like where these, where moms can live and just take a little bit of stress off of their lives so that they can just create more of a, hopefully create more of like an emotional well world for them and their and their kiddos.
Man, isn't that cool?
Wouldn't that be cool?
So, thank you so much to everybody that supports this podcast because it's slow.
It just takes things take a long time.
You know, it's like the government kind of things just take a while.
But we are doing it.
We can do this.
And I'm just starting to try and believe that in my life that if we want to change the world or do something different, that we really can.
That sounds crazy to say that sometimes, but I was laying in bed a couple of weeks ago, and I just had that thought.
I was like, man, we could change the world.
You know?
Because I'd rather believe that than that we couldn't, you know?
Than that we stuck out here.
You know, that it's all just super glue and that I'm not super, then I'm stuck.
So I think we could do.
I mean, it's crazy.
Maybe I sound like a crazy person, but you know what?
You have to.
You got to believe, you know, somebody's crazy before they're crafty.
You know, somebody runs up on you in the park and is like, hey, bro, you know, I'll blow you right now.
And you're like, no way, buddy.
And then next thing you know, you know, so first they sound crazy, but then it could be crafty, you know, do what you got to do.
Today's episode, I don't even know what I'm talking about today.
Man, dude, my neck starts hurting like 25 minutes into these episodes.
I got to get a new neck.
Thank you to everybody that came out in Los Angeles two weeks ago.
I want to thank you so much that came out at the improv.
It was fun, man.
The first show, it was so much fun.
I mean, it was just a real, real hoot.
And that was a joy.
And I just want to thank you and everybody that came out to King and the Sting last week with me and Brennan Schaub.
We did a live show.
And it wasn't live.
It was just me and it was just stand-up comedy.
But we're going to be working on a live show.
And I'll see you in San Francisco this weekend.
So you can know that at Cobb's Comedy Club Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
Support for this past weekend comes from Manscaped.
And they, Manscaped is a company.
And they're number one in men's below-the-belt grooming.
So if you look down by your junk and you ain't seeing joy, you should change it.
Because your junk should be really just, you want that hitter down there.
You want that hair, you know, you want that kind of hairless hitter.
Manscaped offers precision engineered tools for your family jewels.
I didn't write that, but I read it.
Now, I've groomed myself before, and I've nipped my, I hate to say this, man, because it's, you know, but I've, you know, I've nipped, you know, I've nipped my little game hand before with a scissor.
And I have, man, not a big nip, but just enough.
And man, that thing, it, it's got a lot of blood in it, I'll say that, you know.
And it's kind of edgy, and I'm sorry I shouldn't be talking like that.
But Manscaped is forever changing the grooming game with their perfect package 2.0.
Inside the perfect package, you'll find the electric trimmer called the Lawn Mower 2.0.
It's waterproof, skin-safe technology.
Keep you from nicking that sack.
And the only person that is allowed to nick and sack at the same time is Chris Kringle, baby.
Jolly old Santa Claus St. Nick with that sack of gifts.
You can create less mess by trimming in the shower with that electric trimmer, the lawnmower, the waterproof one.
You can get those hard to reach places.
They got a little tool called the plow.
And you can share crop your own freaking your own body.
I mean, you definitely.
You got 40 acres and you got that mule, baby, that little, you got that instrument that they give you.
Let's not forget about that crop preserver.
It's an anti-chafing ball deodorant.
Wow, they go in deep and moisturizer.
Whew.
Now, back off the moisturizer a little, man.
You'll end up doing other things to yourself, end up touching yourself to full pleasure and blasting.
Why are you not putting deodorant on the smelliest part of your body?
That's what they're wondering.
It's time to get clean with the perfect package 2.0.
Get 20% off free shipping with the code Theo at manscaped.com.
Always use the right tools.
Get 20% off and free shipping with the code Theo, T-H-E-O at manscaped.com.
20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com.
Use code, you know, Theo.
So that's our only ad today.
Isn't that cool, man?
Isn't that cool when it's nice and there's not a lot of ads?
Let's get into some calls.
Some great calls came in.
You know, I've been struggling recently to kind of like feel a lot of my own feelings, and I just want to share that some.
You know, I like to come on here sometimes and talk about what I'm feeling and stuff, but honestly, I've just been so, things have been so busy recently, it's been hard to have a lot of feelings.
You know, because you need more space for those.
And I'm going to try to get some more of that going in my life.
You know, just go to more meetings, more 12-step and go to, and what else?
Go to and maybe do some meditation.
Somebody looking at that, man.
Get my chakras, you know, give them a little bit of rest.
We got some calls that came in.
As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
And I do want to say thank you.
I don't know if I say it enough.
I want to say thank you so much for just being a part of this and for paying attention sometimes and for coming out on the road.
You know, I really, I get to live my dreams right now, and it's crazy.
You know, I get to live my dreams.
And sometimes I'm still agitated, you know, but that's just me.
That's just who I am.
I'm not going to change sometimes.
And, You know, and it's different.
Like, it's just, I don't know, man.
You know, it's hard.
Like, you know, I don't sometimes feel like I know I've done enough work and stuff in my life and in stand-up comedy to be able to have the ability to entertain people when they come out to the show.
I know that I've done enough of my homework so that I can apply it now on a regular basis.
But still, I feel, I think there's always a part of us that feels not deserving.
And some people say, well, no, man, you deserve it.
And I appreciate that.
But I want there to always be a part of me that feels a little less deserving.
Because I need that part of me.
You know, I need that part of me to keep me.
I think I need that part of me anyway to just kind of, I don't know.
It's just like a thermostat.
It's like I know the setting.
And sometimes the setting doesn't leave me feeling great, but it's still the setting that I know the best.
And it's a setting that I can operate at.
But I just am so grateful, man.
Thank you guys so much for, I mean, I just can't even tell you.
It's like, I always believed in myself, I think.
But I never, you never really, you just don't know.
You don't know.
You just don't know what's going to happen.
And I'm not saying like, I'm not walking on the moon or I'm not no Danny DeVito or anything like that or, you know, Ronald Palmer or anything, but I'm having like an opportunity to live out some of my dreams, man.
And I'll tell you this, man, it's awesome.
You know, it's really, really cool.
It's really cool when somebody comes up that's that's just like me from where I'm from or that's different than me.
Says, hey, man, you know, you make me laugh or my wife and I had fun or, you know, I can relate to you.
And like, it's wild.
I don't feel like I deserve that and nobody kind of does, but I'm happy.
I do want to do my best to be able to be a part of, you know, like, I don't know, man.
just...
You know, I want to feel like I, I mean, I do feel like, I don't know.
I'm just thankful, man.
I'm just grateful.
And so thank you very much.
And I'm excited about being able to just be a part of whatever's going on in the world and hopefully bring some joy out there.
Let's get to a couple calls, man.
Here we go.
Hey, what up, Theo?
This is Drew from just south of Portland, Oregon.
I just finished the podcast with Tanya, your amazing blind lady that you found.
And I just thought that you should definitely tell her that she needs to start a podcast because she just fielded every question that you had without a hiccup.
You know, she just took it all right on the chin.
And I just really appreciated her ability to not flinch and just roll with the punches and answer the questions.
And I think it'd be a really interesting perspective hearing her gang gang.
Much love.
Appreciate that.
I mean, yeah, like I said, mentioned earlier, man, it was incredible.
You know, she made me feel like I wasn't doing anything with even all the capabilities that I, you know, with, you know, the gifts that I have inside of me.
She made me really feel like that.
Yeah, man, she just really is just a...
Isn't that wild, man?
And I hope her next life, if she wants to, she gets to see it all, man.
And then imagine when she realizes what a gift she was and how she handled herself.
Like, I mean, she's the dang.
She's basically the Princess Charles of the blind, I feel like, or of any impairment.
Man, it's so inspiring.
And you know what?
I'm going to send that call, this voicemail to her so she gets it, man.
You're right.
You know, you're really, really right.
And I hope I'm there after in the, you know, in whatever's after this, man.
I hope, you know, we're at the, you know, we get to go to the endless wall.
You know, there's a behind the wall, you know, behind the Walmart or whatever, you know, that never-ending Walmart.
And I hope there's an aisle where it's just you see like people that can't, that have an impairment and they get it.
They get given the gift, you know.
Man, you imagine that?
Jesus.
Sorry.
Could you imagine an aisle?
Like, you know, you close your eyes for the last time and then your spirit just takes off in like a never-ending Walmart.
And every aisle has something special in it, you know.
And in one aisle, there's like, you know, you see a blind person who gets a gift of sight, man.
They can see.
And then, you know, God shows them or some higher power shows them or the spirit, the entity, you know, that puffed the, you know, puffed the magic dragon, whoever it is, dude, She-Ra, whoever it is, man, you know, Chief Gillespie, whoever it is, shows them what a good job they did.
Or, or at least sits down, or even for, you know, they got another row, and it's people that was murderers or people that was not flushing the toilet, people, you know, people that's being dirty.
And they got, you know, God sitting there or whoever, you know, Coyote John or whatever that guy's name is, not Punksatani, Phil, who is it?
Yogi Bear?
Whoever's running the Walmart.
They sit there.
They've got the hand on their shoulder and they show them why, you know, X's and O's on a piece of paper, why they shouldn't do murdering.
And the guy's like, oh, I see now.
You know, I just hope there's, I hope there's just, I hope the aisles keep going because I want to, I just, I believe they can.
And I think if enough of us believe that, that, that something else could be, there's something bigger out there than us, and maybe everybody else has been.
And I'm the one who's missing some of the boat sometimes by trying to think too much to myself and want to control it all myself.
You know, and some people don't like thinking about religion or talking about religion.
I don't know if I'm really talking about that.
But I also don't want to be afraid of what, I don't want to be afraid to think or talk about stuff on here.
You know, I don't have to be right.
I'm not here to be right to you.
Hell, I'm not even here to be right to me.
So I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Jesus, dude.
Why do we keep doing this every week?
Let's take another call, man, right here.
Gang, gang.
Thanks for the call, too, and thank you for that sweet message to Tanya.
Yeah, what a gift that we got, huh?
She was so eloquent.
And how she, man, she made me think like, if blind people seem like they're not interested, we're sorry.
We sometimes just don't, man, she could see her part in everything that was going on in the world.
And, man, it was incredible.
It was really, really incredible.
Dude, I listened back to it yesterday.
And it was the first time I've ever done that.
You know, it was really, really incredible.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Bill from Dubuque, Iowa.
Big Billy boy out there in Debuke.
And dude, Debuque has, it's beautiful over there, man.
If you like Iowa and you like Dubuque, then you really, then you're right.
Then you're going to love it.
That Midwest hitter?
Gang, bro.
That fucking map of Dactyl son right there in the middle of the map.
And a lot of people want to, you know, say this and that about the Midwest, about certain areas.
How about that Louisiana purchase, Papa, that LP?
Buying, okay, we bought a third of America for what?
$80, bro?
Greatest deal ever, son.
Shing shing, boy.
Shing shing, boy, that Ricky Davis, daddy.
Gang onward.
Just giving off work.
I work for FedEx, delivering those residential packages.
You feel me?
Oh, I feel you.
You freaking Resy Arnaz, baby.
Uh-huh.
Your gift is home.
Yeah, you hitting them residentials.
Dude, I'd be fucking peeing in people's side yards, daddy.
I'd be laid off the first day.
I'd be laid off, man.
And y'all should borrow Big Samuel's van, dude.
You got to keep unlimited gas in it.
Dude, we used to have to tape these big tanks on the side of it of just gas.
So it would just be unlimited gas.
Because you couldn't turn it off, man.
And you couldn't turn it on.
Once the gas went in, it went on.
Let's hear more, man.
Thank you for your service, baby.
I listen to your podcast on the way to work.
Shit, I listen to it the whole time while delivering, man.
That's what I'm saying, boy.
From you and Brendan Schwab, I appreciate you guys.
All right.
Keep on keeping on.
Gang, gang, buzz, buzz, brother.
Gang gang, man.
Buzz, buzz.
Yeah, Brendan's a nice guy, man.
You know, he's got a big heart.
And, you know, I just, this weekend, man, I was just feeling so lucky to be in some of that circle.
You know, I wasn't feeling good about something and I needed some suggestions, some advice.
And I called Brian Callan, and he, you know, he's just so helpful.
You know, and for him to just be so helpful to me.
And like, you know, I know we're, you know, we work in the same business, but I'm just so, and maybe we all are.
We all are fortunate to have somebody, you know, and if you don't have somebody, man, I'm sorry, man, but I think you just be patient.
You know, somebody will, you know, there's somebody out there looking for you to be your friend.
I believe that.
You know, and sometimes we don't even notice the people that we have.
You know, sometimes we just really need to notice.
And sometimes I don't even want to notice the people that care about me because I don't want to.
You know, I'd rather just say and say, it's easier for me to sit there and say nobody cares.
Nobody cares.
You know, it's just easier to do that sometimes, man.
It's harder.
It's harder sometimes to just stand up and say, yeah, you know, here are the people that do care about me.
And if I go and I'm going to thank them, you know, I don't know.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do.
I'm just, I don't know, man.
I've been having like a lot of weird feelings.
I've been adjusting my medication a little bit, but, you know, not in a bad way.
I'm safe and all, but I would like to one day get off of these antidepressants.
So I'm not doing it, but I cut my, the amount I take down some because I would like to one day not take them.
You know, I'm reading this really interesting book that really talks about that, and I'm hoping to have the author in one day.
Let's take another call.
Who's listening?
Hey, Theo, this is Eric over here in Utah, but studying for the Texas bar exam.
Just finished law school this past.
Oh, yeah, you finished law school, huh?
Them torts, bro.
You've been eating them lemon torts, baby.
I feel you.
Congratulations, man.
Studying for that bar.
Study for that Roseanne bar, bro.
Grab your crotch and sing the national anthem, dude.
Gang.
Past semester, and I'm actually watching your episode 214 now.
You were saying something about, you know, wanting to know who listens.
And I got to tell you, man, I've been in, you know, like I said, in law school for the past three years with these crazy-ass rich kids.
I'm a factory worker's kid.
My parents are fresh off the boat.
Gang, bruh.
You like Rudy Rudiger, dude.
That's what you are.
People are going to be yelling, Rudy, Rudy.
And you're going to be like, quiet down.
We got a cross-examination going on.
You're going to be the only one in the courtroom wearing a jersey, dude, and a cast on your arm and getting everybody fired up.
The judge is going to be like, approach the bench, please.
You can't wear a gold helmet in here, sir.
Gang, man, I bet your parents are so proud of you, man.
You know what's amazing, man, that's unique is that the struggle or whatever that is, that's the magic.
Dude, if you don't have a, it's so funny.
I was talking to Dustin Poirier the other day, and he made me think, dude, it's so funny.
Dustin Poirier is obviously everybody knows I'm a huge fan, and he's a UFC fighter, and we're both from Louisiana, but you know, for a guy sometimes, he's so insightful.
For a fighter, he's oddly so insightful.
And I guess maybe I shouldn't say that because that kind of like puts down fighters.
But here's the thing.
People think there's a general thought out there that athletes sometimes aren't that insightful.
Well, that's not true.
And I'm probably the one who fucking thinks it.
Really, it's just me that have that thought.
But he was saying that if you're an underdog, man, the beauty of being someone who has to go through struggle.
Because you get that.
If there's no struggle, there's no...
If there's no struggle, then it's nothing.
There's no journey.
There's no journey.
You know, you get to make that magic, man.
You get to be the story.
Like, once you get to a place of like, you know, of insane comfort, unless your kids, then they have to make a different story.
Like if you, say you're able to, you come from, you know, from lower means and you get to higher means in your life, then your kids, maybe they, they give away all the wealth that you accumulated.
You know, I don't know.
It's like, and not that it gets taken from them by a government or anything.
I'm saying they get to give, like, it's just, it's like, what is our journey?
What is the thing?
What is the, because that's what it, that's, I don't know, man.
It's like all the things in my life that I thought like made me like not have any value or made me like feel like nothing or like all my struggle is That's my path man.
That's like now I can show people this is my you know, I was Lewis and Clark, man.
You know, I wasn't freaking, you know, Bear Bryant or whatever.
You know, it's like, I don't know.
It's like if you have, if you have a distance to go, then you have, you have, then you get to have a journey.
Imagine being born into an environment, you never even get to have a journey.
And everybody, we all have one.
We have to figure out what it is, you know, and I do believe that as well.
We all have one.
We all have a way that we can not only inspire ourselves, others, that we could change the world, man.
We could, I don't know.
I'm feeling hopeful, but also fucking, I think the hat I'm wearing is kind of getting tight on my head.
But congratulations, man, Moore.
You know, I don't vibe with any of them.
And then to, you know, listen to your show, man, hear some real down-to-earth shit really just brings me back.
And it's really been super helpful for me, man.
So, you know, just keep it going, brother.
Gang, gang, dude.
And when I go to jail for something, you can come and support me, bro.
I like your attitude.
Rudy, Rudy.
That's cool, man.
That slow clap with Charles S. Dutton.
Remember him standing on the sideline of Rudy?
Dude, if you don't watch Rudy at Christmas, dude, or after sex, then who are you?
That's what I want to know.
If you don't watch Rudy Rudiger to help you get an erection, I mean, the movie Rudy, nothing helps you get an erection more than watching that.
And that's a freebie right there.
Let's take another call here, man.
Hey, Theo.
This is Will from Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts.
Big Will from Martha's Vineyard, huh?
Dang.
And I heard Martha's Vineyard's been shaved, you feel me?
That's one of them old Cooter jokes.
Homework.
Today I'm feeling a little down on myself.
I'm 22 and I feel pretty lost in life, man.
I got my 19-year-old girlfriend pregnant, and we met on July 4th, 2018.
The baby's due August 17th, 2019.
So about a month from now.
Feeling pretty down because sometimes I feel like she might be better off without me.
She had so much potential, you know, like she was going to a really good school, was going to get into pre-med, all that.
All kind of got thrown away because I got her pregnant.
Well, I'm going to interrupt you real quick, man.
First of all, thanks for calling, man.
You know, I cannot even fathom that.
It's so wild when you're young.
You go from like, man, I got to get laid.
I got to get laid.
And then once you get laid and get somebody pregnant, you're like, fuck, that's crazy.
I didn't, that wasn't part of the goal.
And look, some of these things I'm already saying, you can't put all these weights on yourself, man.
Maybe she could be better off without you.
Maybe you're not ready.
Maybe it's not the best fit.
That could be true.
Maybe you could be better off, you know, without her.
It's like some of that could be true, man.
But I don't want you, you know, I can't relate to this story exactly because I haven't had this experience.
But I don't want you to be, you know, don't put all, it sounds like you already have like a lot.
You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
And you don't know if she was going to go to pre-med.
She still may go to pre-med.
She may be one of the best baby doctors in the world in 10 years.
You know, this may be a gift that you're not able to see yet.
How this toy is going to, you know, not this toy, but this, you know, this human, this baby is going to play out in your life.
You don't know it.
Let's hear more.
She's the most amazing girl I've ever met.
She's always smiling and happy.
But sometimes I feel like I can't be the man that she needs.
I don't make enough money to support her and the newborn.
And I struggle a lot.
Man, I struggle a lot with my fears of becoming just like my dad, who wasn't around.
That feeling of self-doubt, you know.
Basically, what I'm trying to say to you: now I understand my own father's choice to not be there.
I just want to break the cycle, man.
Not for me, but for my girl and my daughter.
Well, it's sweet of you to call in, man.
And it's also sweet of you to write this down before you called, you know, because sometimes you have to.
And, you know, like I prefer people to call and just share, but I know it's hard sometimes.
I just don't like it to not be, like, real, you know, sometimes I worry that people are just making fake calls and stuff, but I don't worry about that too much.
Oh, I could imagine being a young dad, man, I'm so, I can't even imagine.
It's so scary.
You know, it's so scary.
But the cool, one thing that's neat is this may be an opportunity for you to reach out to your own father and say, hey, look, this is what's going on in my life.
And what are some things that you would have done different?
You know, because, I mean, if like you're saying like your own father left or, you know, separated himself from you or your mom, if that's the case, then man, wow, you could really, I bet you could really make a bridge there.
What an opportunity he would have to find some fulfillment.
And maybe he can't help you be a father, but he could at least say, look, these are the things that I did that I wish I hadn't done.
I mean, what inspiration you could get from that, maybe.
I mean, it'd be very brave of you to call him and do that.
I don't know what y'all's relationship is like, so I'm not saying that.
That could be really brave.
And look, I don't want you to stack all those eggs on the back of your neck right now.
You know, the woman and the baby and the possible relationships and her future.
All of that isn't what you have to, you don't have to, all that's not happening right now.
The whole world isn't happening right now.
What's happening right now is you're going to have a child August 17th or, you know, whatever date you said.
And you just have, you need to be a loving day.
Now you are going to have to be active, probably.
You're going to have to get active.
You know, I believe that life is for the active.
And that if you stay active, man, you'll get wherever you want to go.
Because the only way to get from here to there, activity.
Or magic.
And we don't know if magic, you know, magic's part-time.
You know, people don't know if it's, you know, it doesn't work most of the time.
So you got to get active, Papa.
And you can do it, dude.
You can do it.
And I think this is a great spot we can put out some calls to other listeners who want to call and offer suggestions, who have that experience.
But look, man, I know that there's a lot of love in the world.
And if you just choose to be loving, dude, if you really just choose to be loving, that you'll find the power to do it.
And when there are moments where you think you can't do it, you can't go to work, you don't want to apply for a job, you don't want to ask for help, you don't want to do it, to then do whatever that action is that you don't want to do, man, it's so powerful.
That's so powerful, that contrary action, bruh.
There's so much power in that, man.
And then walls will open up you can't even see.
Walls inside of yourself, possibilities will open up you can't even see.
Because nothing's going to change if you don't change.
Things aren't going to be different.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
But you know, for you to start saying, hey, I believe that I could do this.
I believe that, but you have the chance to change a child's life.
You have a chance to help shape that child's world.
You have a chance to.
If you accept that challenge, man, you could really, you could be that hitter, daddy.
And when those moments, I think I should just be out of her life.
Nuh-uh.
You can be out of her life sexually, you could be out of her life as a lover and that sort of thing, but, you know, but you can't be out of that child's life, dude.
You know, I don't think you should be.
I mean, in the beginning, you probably could if you wanted to, because the kid ain't going to know anything until it's probably two or something, but you don't want to miss all of that, bro.
You don't want to miss smelling that little baby's fat arm, bro.
Sucking on that fucking...
A two-month-old chubby-ass bicep, bruh?
Come on.
If that ain't the fucking, if that ain't the Lord's gristle, bruh.
If that ain't the Lord's gristle.
And a little baby, they smell like they fresh out of the, you know, out of the dang oven.
They good after you wash them off.
I'm talking about, you know, after they put a little bit of that oven powder on them.
Not really, you know.
But I believe you could do it, man.
I believe if you change that thought, if you change and you say, I can do it, you say, I'm going to do it, it's going to hurt.
It's going to be hard because you might not even believe it.
But if you don't change your perception, nothing ever changes around us.
You know, I sit and want my life to change, but I keep doing the same thing.
I go home at night and I jerk off and do a couple parliaments on the patio.
And I expect in the morning not to wake up and be tired and smell like parliaments on my hand.
Impossible.
I got to change things.
And when I do, man, it gets bigger, man.
Things get bigger.
That Walmart gets a little more endless, bruh.
Few extra aisles, dude.
Now you could buy a washer-dryer.
They got frigid airs over there.
They got them chicken nugget sacks over there, Them 70 piece, dog.
They got it all.
They got lawn chairs.
They got bougainville.
They got, you know, machetes.
It's just.
You could change it, man.
We can change it, bro.
If you have some suggestions for that young man, though, you know, he got a girl pregnant.
He loves her.
But you heard it.
He doesn't know.
But I believe you can do it, man.
I believe we all can.
I really, really believe we all can.
And we just need each other because, you know, we can't do it alone.
You know, neither can that baby.
So I got you, bro.
Gang, gang, man.
You can hit the hotline 985-664-9503.
And, man, we're lucky.
You know, we're lucky to be here, and we're lucky that we have each other.
And sorry if I'm assigned to preach or anything, man.
I'm not trying to.
I just.
You know, sometimes I don't know what's going on in my life.
And I have to just try my best.
You know, I come in here.
I don't have a plan.
I got the calls right here.
The sheet says calls.
We had two questions from Patreoners, Jacob Wells and Cigar J that I didn't get to.
And I'll do them next week.
And so I don't know what I'm doing sometimes, but we making it, bruh.
We'll go right into Bishop Gunn here making it.
I ain't seen home in about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
And I ain't made a dollar I ain't spent.
But where it's going ain't killed me yet.
I'll still get where I'm bound to go.
I'm making it.
I'm making wrong feel right.
I'm making it.
And if hell's where I'm headed then, I'm making good times.
And congratulations to Bishop Gunn, guys.
Listen to this.
They will be opening up for the Rolling Stones in Houston Saturday, July 27th at NRG Stadium, Energy Stadium.
Isn't that amazing, man?
Did we know that when we picked...
When...
We don't know what's going to happen.
You think they knew that when nobody knew that.
I should've put it down But I'm making it.
I'm making all feel right.
I'm making it.
And it feels where I'm getting there.
I'm making good time I'm making good time I'm making good time Making good times.
I want to thank Nick and Gianni for making my life easier and always being a part of this show.
Music Between the loudside cross and the fields I lost, I'm left here alone in the steer.
But I'm in pretty good shape for the shape that I mean.
I'm making it, I'm making it, I'm making it wrong to see you right.
I'm making it, I'm making it, I'm making it time.
Fuck Denny's, bruh.
I'm making it, I'm making it, I'm making it wrong to see you right.
I'm making it, and it kills me right.
I'm making it time.
I'm making it time.
I ain't seen home in about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
Endless Walmart, baby.
We can change the world, man.
Be good to yourselves, man.
You deserve it.
And I'm going to try to do the same to myself.
You know, and thank you for always reminding me.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voices after you.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
All right, so yeah, it is a deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy-bloody white guy.
I'll take a quarter bottle with you out of the quarter.
I think Tom Hanks just butted me.
Anyway, first rule of Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Second rule of Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule.
Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
Export Selection