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Happy November.
Happy November to you and wherever you are.
And I'm so grateful you're here.
I'm here.
We out here.
You know, we're in this little dirty daddy royal rumble.
We out here tickling each other's tummies.
You feel me?
We're out here just being, you know, we a couple of, you know, we a couple of wildest little clams in the chowder.
You feel me?
Take care.
Brush your hair.
Let's get into it.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home and my mind is somewhere else.
But when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been blown.
There you go.
Get your mind.
Get your mind.
Now I'm just foaming on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be calm as far.
Come on.
We're here.
We can do it.
But when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
Come on.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to step that park and breathe and let myself hold on.
Shine that light on me I'm slipping Tell you my story Shine on me Shine on me And I'll give you the final song.
Sing it just for you Mm-mm-mm-mm.
That is Bishop Gunn with Shine.
And that's that lead in the music right there.
Welcome to This Past Weekend.
Where are you at right now?
What are you doing?
What are you wearing?
Dude, are you wearing a shirt that you like, I hope?
That's one thing sometimes for me, dude.
If I leave the house in a shirt that I don't like, I am not going to be real tickled about that.
If you see me somewhere and I look grumpy, then I probably have on a shirt that I don't like.
You know, my mom's, you know, one time when I was growing up, my mom got a batch of real small shirts.
And I don't know where she got them from.
I don't know if, you know, somebody was selling, you know, boxes of really small shirts or whatever, and she got a deal on that.
Because she used to spend time, sometime with some, you know, miscellaneous gentlemen here and there who was getting deals on stuff.
You know, she dated a black Jewish guy when I was young.
So, you know, she'd show up at the house with a box of, you know, you know, a box of, you know, one size fits all neck braces and shit like that every now and then.
And we would play in the house, you know, play, you know, we'd play handicap at the house and, you know, put on different neck braces and, you know, wheel each other around and do courthouse and all of that.
And, you know, just being children, you know, being young children.
And one time my mom got these shirts.
And I think probably for a year and a half, they had four different colors in the box.
They had orange, they had blue, like a blue you never even seen anymore.
Like, you know, they used to have a lot more different blues.
You know, a long time ago, they had a lot more.
Now they have maybe seven different blues.
You know, royal blue.
I think midnight blue.
You know, you know, British blue.
They got that, you know, the British always want to do their thing.
French blue, that blue that kind of, you know, it says it's going to be there for you and then it's not there for you.
It never helps you out or shows up.
And they got like three other blues.
But this was a blue that they don't have anymore.
This was kind of, it was like powder blue kind of, but a little, like if somebody saw you in it, they couldn't tell if maybe you worked at the hospital or if you were like a newborn baby.
It was kind of one of those things.
So I guess it was like a medical blue.
You know, it kind of seemed like a blue.
Maybe you would only put like a newborn baby in, like a baby, you know, a baby blue for a boy if somebody gave birth to a boy.
Or it would be, you know, like the scrub, something like that.
So we had that.
They had orange, blue.
They had pink, like not pink, but like purple and green, like a dark green.
I think they were black, but it said dark green on them.
So that's one of the problems sometimes with dark green.
Somebody's like, oh, these are, you know, you'll buy six or 700 dark green shirts, but really they're just black shirts.
And now you're wearing black shirts and you're thinking, you know, that your eyes don't work good.
And that shit always, that's, I don't like it when, you know, companies do that to you.
When they say, oh, you know, you got this box of dark green hitters right here, and really they're just black hitters.
And you, and you're walking around in a, in a black shirt and telling people it's dark green, then all your friends think you're crazy and you don't know any better because you can't, you think your eyes are bad because somebody lied to you.
One of these fancy companies lied to you.
But yeah, my mom got some bad shirts, some small shirts.
And so I remember for a while growing up wearing those real, real small, small shirts.
And I think, you know, I know, you know, anxiety is something different for everybody, but sometimes I think when I was young, that's one of the things that gave me anxiety was wearing, I mean, these were t-shirts that would be for really, almost just real athletic babies.
If they had a baby that could, you know, that was, you know, that was going to wear a lot of different shirts than those would have been for him.
Because my mom got about a box of bad shirts.
But anyhow, man, I hope that this November is fitting you comfortably.
Because we're getting into a nice time of year.
You know, I remember when I was young being, you know, November, you get outside and you could feel, you know, just feeling the cool air on your cheeks.
And it felt like I just like a man, like not a man, I guess like, yeah, like a man with like a cold tongue was just kind of licking your cheeks a little bit.
And that's Mr. Winter.
You know, that's Father Winter or whatever they call him.
You know, Chris Kron, not Chris Kringle, but, you know, that's wintertime.
And wintertime would come along and it would just, you know, it was fun around those times.
And we had a turtleneck at our house too.
My mom had a turtleneck she wore for business meetings or something.
And sometimes we would get a hold of that bitch, boy.
And when I was young, there was nothing more fun than wearing mom's turtleneck because you didn't have a shirt like that.
You know, when you were a kid, that turtleneck, that's like a third sleeve.
You could do whatever you want.
You could put your arm out the top, put your neck out the side, and then your other arm out the other one.
You could do whatever you want.
You know, you got that bitch.
You got the arm coming out the right hole.
You got the other arm coming out the left hole.
And then you got your other arm going out the turtle hole.
So you wearing that bitch.
You look like a crossing guard that fucking, you know, that's in really in some developmental type of clothing.
And I love that, man, when my mom, you know, because I would do the laundry.
We had different chores when I was growing up to do the laundry.
And that was one of mine.
You know, my mom made us do that when we were real, real young.
And we had to do it.
You know, we had to help out, you know, do the bathroom, clean the bathroom.
You know, everybody had different chores.
And I remember sometimes with the laundry, I would do mom's laundry and I would get the, and I'd get that turtleneck, boy, and I'd put that bitch on.
And, man, you could do all kinds of, it was just more of an adventurous shirt than other regular shirts.
I remember a turtleneck was really, you know, it was like kind of, it was like the choose your own adventure of shirts.
Because a turtleneck, you could pop out a different, you know, you could pop out the top, you could pop out of a sleeve.
You know, you could do whatever you wanted.
And I grew up in a neighborhood where a lot of people look like shit.
So it's like if we wore stuff that was not really, like if you showed up, dude, on our, if you got off of our school bus at the school and you look like shit, dude, you fit right in, bro.
Cause our bus, it brought in everybody.
You know, out from my street, man, off of McGee Street, bro, it brought in all the wildcats.
You know, headlights, boy, we had that headlights.
We showed up with the headlights.
People want to start bitching, then everybody going to start itching.
Because we had that, I mean, they had headlights in our neighborhood.
There was, it was, you could, turf force, bro.
You'd feel, sometimes you get two strands of headlights in your hair at night and you couldn't sleep.
Them bitches was battling it out.
You know, it was like S.E. Hinton or it was like, you know, one of these step it up, like that movie Step It Up where everybody's trying to outdance each other.
And that was the kind of thing you could feel in your scalp if you got, you know, a couple different strands of headlights at the same time.
And we called them Italians, headlights, because they showed up in groups and they bothered you.
But I love this time of year, man.
And I hope you love it.
And I'm happy to be with you guys.
I'm a little tired, but, you know, I'm always a little tired these days.
And that's just been life.
And that's okay.
I think I'm, I don't know if I'm tired, but I'm also kind of gratefully, you know, restful in some ways.
I'm just, you know, I guess I'm a little bit gratefully exhausted maybe in certain ways.
Man, I got back from Utah.
I got back from Utah, and I want to apologize.
I didn't do the meet and greet last night after the Saturday shows.
Nobody cared, really, I don't think.
I mean, some people might have cared.
I was just trying to, I was, you know, I've just been, I've been, you know, I've been having a lot of like just anxiety and anxious energy.
And it's been hard for me to, you know, when I get back to do the podcast, sometimes it's tough, you know, because I just feel, you know, just a lot of stress, I think.
And I don't know what some of the stress comes from, I guess.
Honestly, you know, sometimes I feel, you know, I feel like just more responsibility.
I don't know.
I mean, look, it's different when people start coming to see the show and people are excited and, you know, it's just a new thing.
You know, it's a new thing in my life.
And I've talked about this a little bit before and I was thinking about it today.
You know, but I'm used to being that, having that underdog kind of thing.
You know, I'm used to feeling like an underdog where, you know, feeling like nobody cares.
And so, you know, that's a comfortable place for me to be at because it always gives me like a place to come from.
You know, my whole life, I've always felt like I came from a place where I felt like nobody cared.
And some of that might have been true.
And some of that was that something was off with me where I couldn't feel when somebody did care.
But now it's like people are coming out and they're supportive of the work.
And I'm doing good work, man.
Look, I'll show up.
I'll put on a good show.
I promise you.
You know, there's a lot of things in my life I've done poorly, but show up and, you know, and share, you know, share these stories and make people laugh and feel good and have fun.
I'm doing that.
I am doing that.
And I'm not going to let you down in that department.
But it's just been different when people come out and it's just kind of scary.
Like when I've always felt like the underdog, when I've always felt like nobody cared, and to now be in a place where it feels like people do care, you know, it takes some, I don't know.
It's like, let me think if I can explain this better.
It makes me just wonder, well, who, if I'm not the underdog, you know, or how does this fit on me?
You know, I don't know how to be kind of in that way a little bit.
You know, I don't know how to be like, I don't, I don't know.
My mind wants to say like, or my heart wants to say like grateful.
Like, I don't know how to be.
I mean, I know I am grateful, but I just don't know how like.
I guess I feel like no matter how much I say thank you to people that they're not going to believe me.
You know, like, I don't know, maybe people, no matter how much I say thank you, people aren't going to believe me.
Like, like people would never like believe that I'm grateful or something.
I don't know.
I'm trying to figure some of it out.
You know, I'm trying to talk and feel at the same time.
But, but I had a great time, man.
You know, people came out and it was nice.
You know, some husbands and wives.
A whole family came out.
And this family, I'll tell you this, this family, they must have been probably about nine feet tall or seven to nine feet.
And they came out and, man, they were all laughing.
And the dad was out there, you know, and he had something on his cheek, like a little bit of mustard or something, because they'd been eating.
You know, families like to eat together.
And they had fun, man.
I almost wiped that mustard off his cheek and put it in my own freaking face hole.
I almost put it right in my own condiment hole right there and ate that little dab right off of that daddy's, you know, right off that daddy's cheeky cheeky.
You know, I was just feeling the love.
I was feeling caught up in it.
And we had, man, it was just all the shows were sold out and people came out and it was great.
It was a great time.
Somebody gave me a nice gift.
It's behind me.
It says Onward on it and it's got a V at the front.
And he made this himself.
And this is Rawlings is this man's.
Rawlings Sporting Woods.
And this man named Lance Rawlings.
And it's, you can look him up, RawlingsSportingWoods.com.
And he makes these really cool wooden pieces.
And somebody else brought me out their WWF title belt.
I don't know.
You know, this guy was holding it up the whole show.
He was keyed up and he was fired up.
And he, I mean, it was awesome.
And so he gave me that strap.
So now this man gave me a strap.
So I got two straps here.
I got my own Fighter and the Kid belt and I have this one that this man gave me.
What else?
Oh, I went to the Mormon, went and checked out the Mormon Tabernacle and looked around there.
Beautiful campus.
If you get to go to Salt Lake City, you know, one of the special things they have there is Mormons.
And Mormons, they are, you know, they're gentle people.
I mean, Mormons are gentle.
Have you ever seen a sheep?
You ever seen a sheep when it's being real, real nice?
You ever seen a sheep and it's being just super nice?
Like you see a sheep and you're like, damn, that sheep is being fucking nice.
That's Mormons.
They're friendly, man.
You can marry anybody.
You know, we're walking through the scenery there, through the campus down there on Temple Avenue in downtown Salt Lake City, and they got weddings going on everywhere.
They had 11 weddings going on.
Dude, you could pick somebody up and pick a rose off a thing and tickle a preacher for two seconds.
And next thing, you know, you're hitched to whoever you're holding on to.
I mean, everywhere you turned around, there was just, you were in a wedding.
You were walking in a procession or into a, you know, you were catching a bouquet.
Dude, I probably, you know, I probably caught six bouquets for about 48 yards.
It was stunning.
Just a lot of love.
There's a lot of love in that group.
You know, definitely people start looking a little bit similar because you don't do a lot of genetic, you know, if you're not incorporating too much extra genetics every now and then, then people start looking a little bit similar.
But damn, it was a beautiful community.
Beautiful community.
And so it was nice, man.
It was nice to just see, you know, see that community, walk around.
Just friendly people.
They had a man out there.
He was, you know, selling different spices and stuff.
He had his own little spice cart.
This little older guy reminded me when I was growing up, actually.
They had this dude my dad knew named Cinnamon Wilson.
And this guy, I hadn't thought about this guy in forever.
When I was a child, Cinnamon Wilson was this dude.
He would let us kind of like, I guess, lick a little bit of cinnamon out of his hand.
Because we didn't always have cinnamon.
Now, you know, I'm living in a different world these days.
I got cinnamon at the house.
But when I was young, we had, you know, we didn't have as much cinnamon as we wanted.
And cinnamon, now kids are screwing around.
They're doing cinnamon challenges.
And they're hiding cinnamon between their, you know, their buttocks and stuff like that, and staring into the sun and just doing wild, you know, unnecessary tricks.
But when I was young, you didn't get cinnamon all the time.
You didn't have as many flavors.
You had orange, grape, you know, peppermint.
You could get that anywhere.
But cinnamon, that was a special flavor.
And my dad's buddy Cinnamon Wilson, bro, or Mr. Wilson, but we called him Cinnamon Wilson.
He put a little bit of cinnamon in his hand.
I guess he would maybe wet his hand or something, either, you know, lick it or cry into it a little bit.
And then he would put some cinnamon in there.
And he'd hold the cinnamon down by us.
While he was talking to my dad, he'd let us lick it out of his hand.
And he was gentle, you know, he had those big, soft, senior citizen hands.
You know, because my dad, at that time, my dad was probably 75 years old.
So all of my dad's friends were 75. And man, if you were licking cinnamon off of his hand, it felt, I mean, it almost was like a cake.
Sometimes you almost wanted to just bite right into his damn hand meat, like it was a coffee cake or something.
And he'd be real chill about it.
And he wasn't a pervert or anything like that.
He wasn't, you know, he wasn't, you know, you didn't see his pants, you know, expounding in the front or any, you know, he wasn't touching your hair, trying to steal a little, you know, cut part of your hair off and keep it at his house or anything wicked.
He was just, he liked giving things to people, I guess.
And he was a bird trainer, too, and he also had birds all the time.
So he was used to feeding you something out of his hand.
So he, you know, sometimes you fuck up.
He'd reach in his pocket and next thing you know, you got, you know, you got a mouthful of bird seed.
You're like, fuck, I thought I was getting, you know, some of that tasty sweet powder, that cinnamon, baby.
Because cinnamon was, when I was young, cinnamon was brand new.
Now, cinnamon's an old hat.
Now they got all kind of new stuff.
Kratom and these kids are on, you know, what else?
Jinko Baloba, all of that.
You know, what else are kids doing nowadays?
Tangerine.
They didn't have that shit when I was young.
When I was young, we had more, you know, cinnamon was a new, something brand new.
So if you saw Mr. Wilson, he fucking hit you with that low palm, you know, hand down with a little, you'd go over there and just get you a couple of fucking tongue whips of that cinnamy mom.
And then the other kids would see you get it.
My brothers and sisters would see me get it, and they'd want to get a little hit of it.
So it was pretty fun.
It was like a fun game.
But he was a bird trainer and he would train birds, you know?
And he, well, I guess he didn't train them really, but he would like feed them and just look at them for a long time, you know?
But some people call him training.
And he ate a lot of bird eggs, too.
That's one thing about the man when I look back on him because he passed now.
He's with Christ or whomever he, you know, whomever he favors.
But he, dude, he'd have all kind of, he, I'll say this.
He was doing stuff he shouldn't have been doing with the bird eggs because he'll have a, he'll have a damn nightingale omelet.
Like, what the hell is that?
I don't think, I think, you know, you're not supposed to have that.
And you go over there and he'd have a damn duck omelet.
Like, what the fuck?
Because I grew up where I'm from, you just have chicken omelets.
In Vietnam and some places like that, they got the, you know, they have the balut duck eggs.
They got all those fear factor snacks and stuff like that, that fear factor breakfast buffet.
People out there drinking fucking, you know, quartz and quartz of rhinoceros salmon.
But I don't, we wasn't drinking big animal salmon in our area.
When I was growing up, we had regular shit.
But he would have, that's one thing in hindsight he shouldn't have been doing probably with some of those birds is harvesting their eggs and making, you know, unique or extracurricular style omelets.
Because you'd see that dude, he'd be having a fucking, you know, tomato and sparrow omelet.
You're like, what the fuck is that?
He's over there really harvesting.
But man, we had a good time in Utah.
Thank you to the people that came out.
I do, you know, I don't know if I apologize for not doing the meet and greet on Saturday.
I was just, honestly, I was just exhausted and I just needed to kind of do some things to take care of myself.
So I wasn't trying to be selfish, but, you know, I don't know, man.
I'm just still kind of learning what it's like to have people come out and to, you know, a lot of this kind of stuff is, I don't know.
It's like being in like a new relationship or something.
I don't know.
I can't explain it.
And maybe I'm overthinking it in some ways, but, you know, but a lot of good people come out to these shows.
I can't explain that to you enough.
You know, I've been doing this comedy for 15 years.
And over the time, I've had some fucking jackrabbits and damn, dude.
One time I remember being in Toledo and they had like an arsonist recovery group.
And I'm all about recovery.
You know that.
12 steps, I'm on 144 steps, man.
I need to just constantly be on the staircase.
But these boys, these with some arsonists.
You know, them fucking, you know, just a bunch of damn candle Zoros.
I mean, they'll fucking light a candle and just, you know, burn down a damn doghouse or something.
And I respect them and stuff, but, you know, that's the kind of people that were out there getting free tickets.
People that's used to burning down hospital, you know, arsonists, people that does arson.
You know, the kind of guy who lights a cigarette and that ain't enough.
Then next thing you know, he's like, oh, he'll hold that lighter against the side of a damn federal building for an hour and a half.
So, but to have people that are really coming out in that, you know, in that care and it's just exciting.
And it's an excitement that in some ways I'm just getting used to.
And then it's a lot.
You know, you get, it's a lot and it's new.
And, you know, I hadn't been taking that good care of myself.
I've been trying to do more working out and staying athletic and, You know, getting my blood going just to keep my brain in a more comfortable place.
Because I guess I just feel like some more responsibility and stuff these days.
But I'm grateful to the people that came out.
If I didn't get to meet you, then we'll do it next time.
And thank you guys very much in Utah.
What else?
I have D.C. and Lexington coming up.
And then we got a, dude, there's a bunch of new dates for the spring.
And I'm so excited.
I think late spring, it's looking like I'm going to jump across the pond, maybe in both directions for Australia and the UK.
So that should be good stuff.
As always, you can hit the hotline and be a part of the show.
And that number is 985-664-9503.
Yeah, and I'm happy to be home, man.
You know, I had a nice time, though, in Salt Lake City.
It's a beautiful city.
And you need skin moisturizer, though, in Salt Lake City.
If you're going to Salt Lake City and you don't have any moisturizer, you might not make it.
Dude, I woke up in the morning.
I'm scratching and itching.
I'm bleeding out of, you know, my elbows and stuff.
Everything's dry.
My mind feels, you know, my mouth tastes like I maybe, you know, like old Cinnamon Wilson hit me with about nine handfuls while I was sleeping.
I'm dried out.
I thought a damn scorpion was going to just crawl out of one side of my mouth because I was just, you know, it's dry.
So I say if you go up there, take extra water.
You know, the airport should let you bring water to Utah because you need it.
Take extra water, moisturizer.
Fuck, I don't care if you buy a couple damn bags of plasma off the, you know, off the black web or whatever, but show up because that shit, you'll be dried out.
You show up, it'll be, you show up, you have a ninth birthday party in Salt Lake City, and by the time it's over, you'll look about 35. Dude, that shit, you get, dude, moisture.
Dude, moisture is God's buttercream.
And he put it into us because he wants us to stay frothy.
And they're not doing that very well in Utah.
But a beautiful place, I went to go visit my buddy Josh Kelly.
And he's a musician.
And I used to work as a tour manager for him.
One of my first jobs was tour managing for Mr. Joshua Kelly.
And he's had some good hits over the years.
And he comes from a very talented family.
And he has a farm up there.
And they got pigs and little, you know, goats.
And they got foster children.
I'm not counting those as animals.
They're beautiful.
He's got two beautiful little foster girls.
And it just really lifted my heart up in a lot of ways.
You know, it's really special when you see somebody doing foster care and doing it well.
And just, you know, just opening their arms and their lives and their hearts and their wallets, you know, to help, you know, to help some young children.
And one of his foster children is from Louisiana.
And I hope I'm not talking outside of shop or outside of school here.
But, you know, it's kind of special, you know, for me, just being from Louisiana, it's just kind of a special thing.
So we went over there and petted the animals by his house.
They got donkeys, and they got some fainting, you know, whatever those are, little fainting javelinas or something.
They had Christmas bells on them.
And dude, it's beautiful.
I know that, you know, I don't, you know, I've seen some animals, I've seen an animal get hit by lightning.
I've seen a Doberman jump out the back of a damn, you know, Nissan truck doing about 80 on the interstate.
And he did it by himself.
That Doberman, he didn't want to be alive, I guess.
But I've never seen, you know, they have one of these, you know, these javelinas.
They got these jingle bells on them for the holidays.
And then they're like fainters.
So if they get spooked or something, they faint.
They hit the ground.
And it's almost like musical chairs.
You know, you're excited to hear the music from the jingle bells and then they faint out and hit the ground.
So pretty cool to see them have these dropping like that.
But we had some great calls that came in.
I'm going to get to a couple of them.
And thank you guys so much for coming out in Utah.
And happy early holidays.
This is a good time.
You know, this is a good time to, you know, stretch your arms out wide and then wrap them around somebody else.
This is that hugging season.
Because people are cold.
And a hug, that's a fucking, that's a little scarf.
You know, when you show up with somebody, when you hug them, you put them in that soft scarf.
You know, you do that in the summertime.
You're kind of a pervert.
You a creep.
You know, you a toucher.
You know, but you do that in the wintertime, boy, you just fucking giving them that full front body cinnamon Wilson.
You feel me?
Just, people don't get that mad if they're cold and you hug them.
Go hug somebody that's cold.
Watch them smile.
Let's get to a couple calls that came in, man.
Thank you guys so much.
As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
We had a great time with our single mom came out.
I want to thank Justin and Roman and I'm forgetting his name right now.
Justin and Roman and one other lovely gentleman who came out and filmed and recorded our single mom voluntarily.
You know, voluntarily, man.
And just really, man, just so kind.
And it was a hurt, you know, and I was like, you know, I got there like 10 minutes late.
Typical date, you know, typical man date, you know, I'm showing up a few minutes late or me, typical me.
So I get there and we took the lady out to the California's pizza kitchen.
And they got other stuff.
They say pizza, but they got salads, you know it.
And what else?
We went to an escape room and played a game.
She came out and brought her sister out, a mother Of three and breezy, that's her name.
This girl, straight Breezy, you know, and that shit was, you know, category four wins, baby.
She, you know, she was definitely breezing past everybody.
You know, she was, you know, she ticked, you know, she'd tickle your nickel if you, you know, you'd feel her go by.
She's really quite a current of a woman and a beautiful, a beautiful young mother of three.
And we went out and had a nice time.
And those guys volunteered their time.
And they went and planned ahead.
And, you know, it's a great time of year to do that, to fill other people's hearts with your time and your ability.
And they just reminded me of that.
They reminded me of, it's funny, even if I'm somewhere helping out, I'm somewhere taking the mom out, I don't always feel like I'm doing something for some reason.
But those guys, man, they showed up and, you know, capturing the audio and video.
And it was, man, it was fun.
It was really, really fun.
I'll put a picture of them, of us up on the Instagrams so you can see it.
But let's get to a couple calls that came in.
As always, the hotline, 985-664-9503.
We got some really, really great ones.
People calling in about, you know, helping out with Nut Vember.
People staying on their grind and staying off their little meat, you know, meat shooter and trying not to do touch, touch at the house, you know?
Trying not to fucking feed cinnamon to their Wilson, you feel me?
As always, I want to let you know that today's episode is brought to you by HelloFresh.
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I just fucking admitted that I've eaten cinnamon out of a man's hand that my dad barely knew.
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Okay, let's get into a couple calls here.
We got this one right here.
Oh, man, what's up, Theo?
This is Chris calling from Long Island, New York.
This is my Chris, Long Island, Strong Island, baby.
And I don't know why they call it Long Island.
I mean, it's probably, you know, well, I'm an idiot.
Probably long and feels kind of lonesome like I do sometimes.
Onward.
I call for the podcast.
I don't think it would be interesting.
I just wanted to let you know, I just listened to the November podcast last weekend at the end.
Yep, and I'm going on right now.
Let me see.
I got about six days of that juicy, juicy in me right now.
You know, if you hear something kind of, if when I'm talking, you hear a little bit of gurgle in the back of my throat, that's my chi building up.
Because I'm nutted up.
You know, I got that simmons stack starting to build in the back of me.
You know, that's what I'm saying.
And we can do that.
You know, you can hold on to your newt, hold the line.
Viet nut.
This is our V at nut.
Onward.
You said this is your most selfish podcast.
And the whole time I was listening to this podcast, I was thinking this is his best ever, most helpful podcast.
Just useful, funny.
Just your heart came across in that one.
And I just couldn't let it go.
At the end, you thought it was so selfish, but I know it wasn't.
I just know it wasn't.
So I'm just calling, letting you know I appreciate you.
I'm getting emotional.
I appreciate you a lot.
Just keep doing everything you keep doing the same way.
Thanks, man.
Onward, sorry.
All right.
You're not going to call back, but my phone number is and just you're doing great.
You're the best, man.
Thanks.
Yeah, thanks for calling, man.
I appreciate the message.
Yeah, I don't know why, man.
I think I've just been feeling really strange recently.
I've just been feeling like I don't know.
I've just been feeling like not that good, to be honest with you.
You know, I've just been feeling like, I don't know, like no matter what I do, like it's not enough, you know?
And I don't know why I feel that way sometimes.
And I'm kind of tired.
Honestly, man, I'm kind of tired of it.
You know, I'm tired of feeling that way.
And I don't know if it's because we live in a time now where it's like, it makes you feel like you have to always be doing stuff or, you know, maybe I'm getting older and I'm starting to just think about like, you know, just what the value, like, you know, what's important.
I don't know.
But I appreciate you saying that.
That's nice of you, man.
You know what?
Let me get this header right here.
This is the free...
we live in 2018, I can call people back.
Let me see what I can do here.
Hey, Chris?
Yes?
Hey, what up, man?
This is Theo.
Oh, man.
I'm doing good, man.
I was just listening to your message, man.
I thought it was real, real nice of you, dude.
I just wanted to call and say thanks.
Oh, man.
I meant that.
So hold on.
That was such a great podcast.
When you said it was selfish at the end, I said, oh, no.
I never felt like calling, but I said, I had to just say it.
I had to tell you.
Well, I appreciate it, man.
For one, it's nice to hear a New York accent, dude.
It makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life.
It makes me feel like I'm caught up into something, you know, like I'm caught up into the underworld of like, you know, some type of mafia style in my brain, you know?
Well, I don't know if it's exactly like that, but you definitely, I got a bunch of friends I turned on to you, and we all, I mean, we all really appreciate it.
But I really, you know, I go through some similar struggles, and I'm trying to get sober myself.
And as far as the mess, it almost sounds the best thing to say, but like I relate to it.
Like I relate to all of it and I get strength from it and I just appreciate it so much.
I really appreciate you so much, brother.
Well, thanks, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I don't know why I just feel like that sometimes, man.
I guess I just feel, yeah, I don't know.
It's like I'll do an episode or something and then I just feel like, I don't know, like I just didn't, I don't know.
I don't know.
I've just been feeling, I think, really strange, like not being able to like feel like of use or of value, you know?
Really?
Really?
Yeah.
Man, just, but I don't, I guess I could, I guess I could understand it, but it's hard for me to believe it because I feel like you must be getting so much love back right now.
You must be, no, Theo?
Yeah, no, I get a lot of, yeah, I get a lot of, yeah, I get a lot of people that, you know, send nice messages, send nice DMs.
People come out to the show and say nice stuff.
I don't know what it is, man.
Well, I was listening to your voicemail and it just kind of hit me.
I was like, man, then I don't know why I don't have like a healthy view of just whatever's going on in my own world, you know?
Yeah, yeah, but man, that makes a lot of sense to me because I've been a teacher.
I've been a public school teacher for 11 years and I get the most beautiful letters written to me by my students about how much I've affected them and helped them and touched them and they learned from me.
But yet in my own personal life, I'm still all fucked up in my head and I still can't do the things I want to do.
And like, I got two daughters and I know I'm a good dad, but yet still I can't get out of my own way when it comes to my own health and just being okay with me fully.
I guess it's just, I guess it's not just everything you get back.
I guess it's hard to explain that.
We gotta, like it's a practice.
We gotta keep working on it, maybe, you know?
Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, even while you're saying that, it's got me kind of thinking about it.
Yeah, I don't, that's so wild that we can't, yeah, it's like we won't give ourselves, I guess it's like I'm scared to feel like good about myself because it's like, I don't know if I just don't know, like I'm, what if I start feeling good about myself?
Am I going to feel like too good about myself?
Am I going to be become like a bad person?
I don't know.
I don't know.
It's like you're full of doubt, like just full of doubt.
Like you're just not sure.
I mean, I don't want to put words into your mouth, but it sounds like you're just like doubtful.
Just not, I don't know.
Yeah, like I don't deserve to feel, like, I don't know if it's, I don't deserve to feel good, but like if somebody, I don't know.
I don't know, man.
This is interesting.
That's why when I heard this, I was like, oh, God.
And you left your number.
I was like, I'm going to freaking call this dude back.
Yeah, I almost didn't want to leave it because I thought maybe then you just called because he wants him to call back.
But no, I was hoping to maybe, I don't know, I just left the number and you called it, so it worked out.
I'm keeping you on the line too long.
You just wanted to call to say you appreciated it.
So I appreciate you calling me, Theo.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, you bet, man.
Thanks so much, Judy.
And this is my number.
You have it.
If you need something, hit me up if I can give you some suggestions or something about the cast, you know.
But yeah, I don't know, man.
I don't know what that is.
I think maybe it's something I need to just think about more, talking to like a therapist or friends about.
Just, yeah, why I just like.
Is it you really feel like you're not doing the right thing?
I just feel like just, yeah, just disconnected or I just feel, I don't know.
I feel like I want.
From what everyone says, LA is a hard place to really connect with people on that level, I guess.
I don't know.
Is that part of it?
Yeah, no, it definitely is.
It's not like, yeah, you don't have a lot of like connective conversations and stuff out here.
Right.
I don't know.
You know, I don't know what it is.
Maybe I just need to go to more meetings and just kind of like listen to others, you know, or something.
I don't know what it is.
But yeah, man, I appreciate the call, man.
It was really nice of you, dude.
It was like the nicest thing I got.
So thank you.
Theo, thank you.
Keep doing you.
I wish you the best of luck and all my love.
And thank you so much.
Thank you.
Yeah, you bet, brother.
Have a good day, man.
Happy early holidays.
You too, Theo.
Good night, man.
Cheers, brother.
Wow, that was nice of him, man.
You know, just nice of him to say that.
You know, I'm going to listen back to his call one more time here so I can get another vibe for it.
Chris calling from Long Island, New York.
This is not a call for the podcast.
I don't think it would be interesting.
I just wanted to let you know, I just listened to the November podcast from last week.
And at the end, you said this is your most selfish podcast.
And the whole time I listened to this podcast, I was thinking this is his best ever, most helpful podcast.
Just useful, funny.
Just your heart came across in that one.
Yeah, I don't know why.
I've just been feeling so self.
I don't know why.
I've been feeling selfish.
I don't know what that is inside of me.
I just feel selfish, man.
You know, and honestly, I just feel kind of like, this is going to seem crazy, man.
I just feel like ashamed of myself for some reason.
You know, I don't know why.
think maybe just shh I don't know.
I think part of me feels like, you know, I don't have all the tools like, you know, to know if I'm like not going to fail myself, you know.
Yeah, I don't know why, man.
I don't know why.
I just feel like I'm not...
I'm trying to just feel my feelings, you know?
You know, I'm not afraid of my feelings.
In fact, dude, I wish I had more feelings because then I know what's going on with me.
You know, when I don't have any feelings, I think that's some of what's been going on.
I just haven't been having a lot of feelings.
And so then I get scared, you know?
Because like, you know, ever since I got into like AA and started doing sobriety and that, I started having a lot more feelings, you know, and some of them for the first time in my whole life.
So I started like, you know, for like the first time in my life, I felt like a living person, you know, because before that, all my feelings were just like in my head.
Like all my feelings were just like strong thoughts and understanding of moments.
And like, you know, I'd seen moments on television and so I knew how to act and all these moments and stuff.
But I, and I was present and I cared, but I just didn't, I couldn't feel that good.
And then I got into AA and I could just feel better or I could feel at all.
And I think maybe I've just been having going to enough meetings or like, I don't know.
I think just a lot going on, you know, you know, and a lot's been going on in my life.
It's been just a different experience.
It's been a different experience, you know, going from like being the chip on your shoulder, feeling like the underdog.
And then I guess, you know, I just worry that like if I start to be like, you know, not the underdog or start to be successful, then I'm just going to like alienate like the person.
Like I'm going to alienate like the kid who always felt that like nobody cared about, you know, if that makes any sense.
Like suddenly like if I start to like live in this place in my life where more people care, then I'm like letting go of like the kid that I've always or the person I've always been who I felt you know growing up and stuff was just somebody that nobody cared about.
I think something like that or something to do with that.
I don't know.
But I don't even know.
I don't know.
I'm not trying to make everybody, you know, I'm not trying to like have a Debbie Downer type of day or anything like that, man.
I'm not I'm not sad.
You know, I'm just, you know, I'm just trying to monitor, you know, what's going on with me and how I feel.
And it's just been a little bit different.
And I've always only known kind of one way to be, you know, and it's hard to, yeah, it's weird.
It's like, I don't want to hear people tell me that I'm good at something.
You know, I don't want to hear that.
Like, I don't want to hear it like at a deep level.
Like, I can hear it up here in my ears.
Yeah.
I can hear it.
I can say thank you.
I'm glad you had fun, you know.
But I think at a deep level, I don't want to hear people, you know, I'm not mad at people that say nice things.
That's not what I'm saying.
It's just like at a deeper level, if I hear that, I don't know.
I don't know.
A deeper level, if I hear somebody tell me that, you know, I just think somewhere inside of me, I always wanted to hear that, you know, even though I didn't even know that I needed to hear it.
You know, when I was young, I just wanted to tell somebody to just, you know, somebody who loved me to tell me that they, you know, that I was doing a good job, you know, and that I was okay and that I was just a good, I was just a good kid, you know, that I was okay.
Even if I sometimes wasn't doing good, you know, that I was okay.
And I think now as an adult, you know, having people be excited and having people say, you're good at this, or, you know, it's just, you know, it's like a new skin, you know?
And I'm grateful.
But it's just a lot, you know, it's so, it's like an emotional kind of learning curve and stuff.
And I'm not trying to sound like egomaniacal or anything, man.
Look, you know, we may never sell, we may never sell another ticket to a comedy show.
And I'll be back just fucking, you know, telling riddles to fucking arsonists.
You know, one dude was throwing lit matches on the stage.
What, bruh?
What are you doing, dude?
But yeah, anyway, so that's just, I don't know that.
But anyway, Chris, that's why I feel sometimes, I guess.
I don't know.
I'll get to go to more meetings, I think, and just get more dialed in.
But anyway, I didn't mean to get in a weird space.
I'm so grateful for the, you know, for this opportunity to come home and have this here, to talk and to listen, you know, and I thought it was nice of Chris to call and leave that message, you know.
I think we live in a different age these days Where it's okay, you know, young men need a lot of help.
You know, young men need a lot of help.
You know, there's this attack.
There's this, I do feel sometimes like it's not an attack on young men, but they're very much, I feel like, being neglected, you know, in society.
And I feel like a lot of the choices that we've been led to by stronger powers in the world and stuff like that have led us away from, you know, having, having some, you know, helping our men to learn and to grow emotionally.
And I'm part of the problem.
I'm a victim of all of that, I think.
I'm not like a victim like woe is me.
Like I need to put a damn tourniquet or something or, you know, bum one of those fucking neck braces, those one size fits all, even though I have, dude, I used to wear a children's medium, even up to last year.
Because my neck has always been real short.
And I've always had like kind of that shorter neck and I've wanted more of a medium's neck.
And I would wear a children's medium neck brace to kind of get that extra fucking quarter inch.
You know, at night I would lay there and keep it on for about eight minutes.
Because you're not supposed to keep them on for longer than eight minutes if you're not, you know, that's not doctor recommended.
Anyway, let's take another call, man.
Onward.
Hey, dude.
I just want to call and apologize, bro.
I went to your show last night.
I went by myself, got a little nervous and had some drinks, dude.
And I started hooting, hollering a little too much up front, dude.
And I feel bad.
I feel real bad, honestly.
So I just want to call and apologize, man.
I hope you don't hold it against me.
And I'll fucking love the shit out of you, man.
Great show.
And yeah, man.
Keep doing what you're doing.
I appreciate the apology, man.
Yeah, I forgive you, bro.
You know, I appreciate it.
You know, I don't handle those things sometimes super great.
Sometimes I do okay.
But my thing is, you know, and I understand, yeah, you know, you're excited and people have too many drinks and then you don't even know.
Then you just work in freelance for vodka.
You know, suddenly you're employed by vodka and, you know, you clocked in for work.
But it's just tough sometimes if the show, like, you know, because I want everybody to enjoy it.
And, you know, some comedians, they work real hard on the art and putting it out there.
And we just want it to be a fun experience.
So I don't mind people being a part of the show.
I just don't want them to try and make the show about them.
Because yeah, I mean, because the show, because I don't feel like the show is about me.
Like, I feel like it's the show.
You know, I'm not up there the whole time, like, look at me.
I'm up there thinking, let's make it fun.
Let's, you know, this is how we're going to do it.
This is what we, you know, let's make it a joyous time.
And so that's what happens sometimes when somebody gets, you know, when you clock in and you working for, you know, whatever you drinking over there, if you're drinking, sometime a lady, I seen this lady the other night.
She had a little, one of those long straws that, you know, could have been a damn hospital bag.
She might have been a registered assistant or something.
Or, you know, one of them plasma jockeys or one of those ladies that comes in at night and they stealing plasma out of senior citizens.
And that shit's happening all over over there in some of these different communities, the Hasidic community.
I think they caught somebody doing it in where else.
I think over in Haiti.
And they got people popping in and, you know, they siphoning plasma out of somebody's stepuncle or whatever.
But, yeah, but this lady had one of those things going into her purse.
She's fucking sipping on some secret sauce right there out of a damn, you know, Pierre Cardigan or whatever the damn, you know, purse brand is.
These ladies are listening, you know, what are the, you know, I don't know what it's called, bed bath and briefcase, whatever ladies are carrying things around in.
She's sipping out of that header right there.
So, yeah, just, you know, I want you to, I want everybody to have fun.
And I don't, fuck it, it's your life.
Here's what I say.
I appreciate your apology, man.
It's nice of you to call.
Let's take another call.
Here we go.
Yo, Theo, this is Gabe from Las Vegas.
What's up from Las Vegas, boy?
And that's the devil's butthole.
Beautiful people out there, though, dude.
Beautiful people out there in the desert.
Las Vegas, everything is just a strip, but they got a lot of real serious, good people out there.
You know, a lot of Latinos, a lot of white people with sunburn.
You know, they got a lot of people out there raising dogs, a lot of animal rescue.
The one dude died, that fucking Titty Maverick, whatever his name was.
You know, Captain Lou Al, you know, Lou Al Pacino or whatever that guy was, the desert, you know, posse captain.
Anyway, onward.
I'm calling in about Sydney from Monday's podcast.
She said she was having issues with her boyfriend watching porn behind her back.
Oh, yeah.
And let's, we'll say, real quick, we're going to go back to the November podcast episode last week for a couple seconds.
You can listen to her call.
And she was having issues, sexual issues, and sensual activity issues with her and her man because of pornography.
This is Sydney in Oklahoma.
I did find out not too long ago that my boyfriend had been watching porn behind my back.
He does know that I am against it for my own personal reasons.
Okay, so your boyfriend was watching the pornography behind your back.
And that's really a fun place to watch it, I'll be honest.
But that makes you feel more secretive.
So you heard that, and let's pop back into your call now.
Thank you for calling.
Onward.
And just want to give a little tip.
You can probably, you know, dabble in the filmmaking a little bit.
Send him some naughty photos, videos, something to get his mind off the pornography, to replace the pornography.
And honestly, it doesn't even have to be any new videos.
Most guys do just fine with like, you know, you send a video of cutting some watermelon and a bra, maybe some strawberries.
You know, that's more than enough for most guys.
So, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And that's a nice idea right there.
You know, and I think if a woman is to do this or a man is to do this, if you dating a man and you're a man and you prefer the company of men, you know, you like that longer pause, you feel me?
Then what I'm saying is if you want to send some nudity of yourself, that's kind of yes.
Especially if your spouse or your partner or whatever has a problem, if they're suffering, and that's what she was saying.
Her call, she's saying that she believes that the pornography has affected their sensual activities, you know, playing, you know, really close game of freeze tag.
You know what I'm saying?
You're it.
You're it.
You feel me?
Sexual.
Doing full sexual.
And so yeah, maybe that's one thing you could do.
Do some real naughty things.
And here's another tip.
If you're going to send some nudities of yourself, don't send your face in them.
If you're a man or one, I don't care what you're sending.
Ladies, don't send your face.
It's not that just to protect yourself.
You don't have to do that.
You know, some ladies, you know, they'll be naked.
They'll send you that nudie and they'll have like a makeup on or have a hat on.
You don't need that.
Just the body.
Because the, you know, man, especially, they're just thinking at that point sexual.
Or maybe I'm just thinking that and maybe that's my problem.
You know, and that's one of the side effects of pornography that's really negative is, and I'll say this for myself, and I know this for a fact, you start to think of sex in like frames.
You know, you start to think of sex in the same way that it's shot in the videos.
Like, okay, I see someone, I meet them.
Okay, now we're in bed.
Now we're in this lewd position and I'm envisioning this, you know, this little crotch area or something.
And I'm in, you know, I'm seeing the titties out there or something or seeing the balls if you're doing the wild, you know, if you out there, you know, boar hunting or whatever, chasing men.
But, but they, you know, and then next thing you know, I see this and then this.
It's just, you think of sex in frames in specific moments more than you think of it as one big buffet.
You think of it as, okay, here's a side item.
There's a side item.
First, the side item, we walk in them, you know, into your place.
The second side item, we lay down, we, you know, look at each other's booties or whatever.
The third side item, we doing, you know, oral copulation or something, you know, playing that, you know, doing the lippy sticky or whatever.
And then the third, the last one, doing full sexual.
And then you got, and then that's it.
And then everybody busts out at the end.
And then next thing you know, it's, you know, you know, you chilling, man.
That's it.
You know, that's it.
Aftermath, rendezvous.
That's it.
Eminem.
But what you don't realize is the buffet of sex is a bigger thing.
It's more you over here, you looking at this, you touching, you holding hands.
You know, you looking and they got dirty silverware.
You asking for clean silverware.
You seeing the different types of lettuce.
You're seeing they got black olives.
They got red olives.
You know, they got some bruised strawberries over here.
They got this.
They got the legs, feet, butt, cheeks, hair.
You're seeing everything.
It's a fuller picture.
And pornography kills that full picture and it just cuts it up into scenes.
And so that's my problem that I have sometimes.
I've noticed for myself anyway, is to view, because then you start to view that experience with a woman just in still images and moments.
In sex, instill images and moments.
And okay, I need to see this.
I need to see this.
I need to see this.
And then everybody needs to do full bustule.
And that's life.
But that's not it.
That is a program that runs through us because pornography is dirty.
Because that's dark arts.
That's dark arts central pornography.
I mean, the devil might as well just be damn, you know, might as well just have put his brain right into a damn flat, you know, into a computer and uploaded it right into your life.
But here's what I'll say this, is this, that, oh, shit, what was I talking about?
Oh, ladies, if you're going to send nudes, yeah, you can do it.
Now you can send some pornography to your man.
And I think, now I love this idea, the end idea.
Let's play it again.
To get his mind off the pornography, to replace the pornography.
And honestly, it doesn't even have to be any nude videos.
Most guys do just fine with like, you know, you sent a video of cutting some watermelon and a bra, maybe some strawberries.
You know, that's more than enough for most guys.
Now, yeah, I agree.
You can do something romantic.
You could be, you know, shooting an arrow or something off the roof or something.
Maybe you're in a skirt.
Or you could do, you know, I do like this idea of reframing what pornography is.
Maybe you're wearing a little, you know, a security guard outfit or something with, you know, it's assless or something.
They got like an assless security guard outfit and you running down, you know, chasing a fake criminal or doing, I don't like the knife and the vegetables.
I can't get harder on a knife.
So if I see a knife, I'm not getting erect.
But that's me.
But some guys, you know, maybe if your husband is, you know, he's from New Jersey or he's part Native American or whatever, he can handle it.
I can't handle that.
You know, broken glass and knives, no dicky dicky for daddy.
But a lot of men can handle that.
But I love this idea of reframe.
So, because then here's what's going to happen if a lady tells you that, okay, I'm going to send you some pornography.
Now you know that A, she's trying to work with you on this problem that you have.
If you have a problem, this is only for men that have problem.
I'm not saying every men have problem, but a good way to reframe it, yeah, is if your lady wants to send you something, maybe she's just doing math.
You know, maybe she's doing math and she have, you know, a wife beater on with, you know, and they got the breasts, open areas.
They got rips over their breasts.
Or they got, you know, maybe she's eating soup and she got some, you know, and she got a little buddy over there painting her toenails or something.
She got a gay friend at the house painting her toenails and she's having some soup.
You know, or if you like a man, if you prefer, you know, a sex man, then what you can have then is maybe your man, you know, he's butt naked and he's chasing a, you know, he's taking, you know, he's got a little dachshund or a Bichon or something, and he's taking that bitch for a walk or something.
You know, he's taking that beautiful little lovely creature for a snack or something.
And he's fully nude or he's wearing like a cooking apron and one of those neck braces or something.
There's definitely new ways to say, hey, this is what pornography is now.
Let's make it new and exciting.
I like that idea.
Thank you for that call.
Let's take another call that was in response to Cindy from last week.
Onward.
Hi, this is Jalen from Virginia.
I'm actually calling in to respond to Sydney from Oklahoma who was talking about her boyfriend and how she doesn't like him watching porn.
Yep, we got that call.
And thank you for your call.
Onward?
I think a good compromise, if the reason for you not liking him watching porn is because you don't like the idea of him lusting after other women, maybe instead of making him stop watching porn, maybe you guys can make porn together.
Maybe send him a couple new pics or shoot a video or record a video of you two making love.
So when he does masturbate, he's doing it to you and he's celebrating your body and celebrating the love that you two make.
That's a nice thought, man.
That's beautiful.
That's like the hallmark pornography channel.
This guy just sent us in and that makes me feel good.
Yeah, do something, make a pornography together.
Make it a thing you do together somehow.
You know, one thing that would be neat about that, if you did that in a unique way, you're going to take a lot of the power out of that pornography for him.
Because one of the things about pornography where it really hurts men is it becomes something we do by ourself.
It becomes this kind of like hidden act.
People ain't watching pornography out there, you know, during a soccer game.
You know, you're not watching pornography at a fiesta or, you know, at a Carl's Jr.
Actually, you might at a Carl's Jr.
I don't know if you've ever been to a Carl's Jr. at night, but some of the lights don't work inside and people are lonely eating big sandwiches.
And I've always said that, that Carl's Jr. is really a mecca for lonely men and big sandwiches.
But oh, so if you want to do pornography together, you're going to take a lot of that power.
If you do something with your man together and make it together, ladies, instead of ostracizing your man, you're going to make it really, really healthy for him.
I think you're going to have a chance to make it a new experience for him.
And the truth is, man, what we all need in a lot of ways is a new experience with something.
Because, man, when you're a man and you've been masturbating for, you know, 13 years, nine years, that's a long, that's a lot of sexual energy that you've just been using by yourself.
And you're, you know, you're at home, you know, you got the windows closed usually, unless you're Jamaican or something.
I mean, a Jamaican person, they bust out with the damn windows open.
They'll fire that right out in the air.
A damn seagull will come by and just, you know, that's lunch.
And that's the lunch bunch.
But most people, they close the blinds.
It's a lonely thing you do.
It's a lonely thing you do.
It's something you do by yourself.
It's lonesome.
It's lonesome activity.
It's not an excitement.
I mean, it's fun when you're busting and looking.
But outside of that, the side effects of it are, and the practice of it is you do it by yourself.
It's secretive.
You do it by yourself.
So then it feels like this, you know.
But for a woman to then say, hey, well, let's see, what if we do this together?
Ask your man, why do you like this?
Make him really think about it.
Let him know you're not going to judge him if he answers in an uncomfortable or strange way.
And then I think, you know, there could be some progress in that area.
And I feel bad that women have to deal with this, you know, and that men probably are starting to have to deal with it too.
We don't even realize.
And some people might think, Theo, you're crazy talking about pornography this much, man.
I'm telling you, I'm telling you, we don't know the long-term side effects that this is having on humanity.
But I guarantee you they are not decent.
Let's hear another call.
Onward.
What's up, Theo?
My name is Grady.
I'm calling in regards to this woman, Cindy, that called in on the last podcast and was asking questions about her boyfriend and how she can help him.
Yep, that's Cindy, all right.
Onward.
She's struggling with always looking at pornography.
He that peaky peaky guy.
And I'm that peaky guy, you know.
I'm five days full right now.
Ba-ba, beat sheep, have you any wool?
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Five days full.
Onward.
I set a book recommendation I really wanted to be able to offer.
It's this book I'm reading that's called Unwanted by Jay Stringer.
And it's a book about sexual brokenness.
He's a Christian, but I bet even people that aren't Christians would get a lot out of this book.
Okay, this Unwanted by Jay Stringer.
And we'll put the link to that below.
We don't work for that book.
I have not heard of that book, but I support the fact that this man called in and recommended it to it about sexual brokenness.
Yeah, and look, this is a tough thing.
And look, that's the thing that's going on now.
You know, it's November.
And so people are trying to stay off that bust.
And I'm one of those people.
You know, I'm one of those people.
Because I want to have those feelings.
I want to have that sexual comfort, you know, that, you know, and be that crazy guy.
You know, I want to be that Horace Grant for a lady.
You know, I want to be in the paint doing work.
I don't want to be always on the outside, just BJ Armstrong and in the distance.
You feel me?
I want to be that HGZ.
I want to have the goggles on and be doing work against the boards, baby.
And those are some old Chicago Bulls references.
What else is going on?
What have I been thinking about?
Oh, they have this trail of, not a trail, they have a tribe, I guess you would say, maybe of Hondurans allegedly coming towards the U.S. border.
I was thinking about this a lot because this is, you know, this is like a new thing that, you know, the media really blasts out and uses as like a scare tactic and a thing, you know, but it's also a real thing that there are real people who are experiencing some sort of trauma or something in their country and they have left their country and are,
you know, caravanning towards the U.S. And it makes me think a lot about illegal aliens or, you know, immigrants, people coming to the U.S. You know, when I checked out, my father came here legally from Nicaragua in 1922, I believe.
People have come legally and illegally over the years.
We know that.
I love the idea of having a very legal system for people to get into the country.
I love this.
I thought about this could be a neat idea that, look, I'm all about strengthening up the borders, making, so you know who's coming in.
It's just not safe to not know who is around.
You know, it's like a roll call.
I wish every year we did a roll call where we just, where everybody had to go next door, their exact next neighbor and find out who in the fuck they were and do a book report on their neighbor.
Because we don't know who, you can't keep, you can't run a good company if you don't know the inventory.
You can't do it.
And here's what I thought though.
I thought this a lot of the issues are, are we mistreating people?
Are people being mistreated?
You know, there's so many great people in America, in the world.
I was thinking we should, part of the program for having people who are not already legal citizens of the U.S., part of the program could be that there is a, you can sign up to help someone.
You can sign up to foster a family.
Okay, I can help two Honduran people can stay at my place for this much time.
You know, they can stay here for this much time.
I can help for this, you know, they can stay and work with me.
I feel like there would be a really great program of people that want to help and then people that need help.
Because that's really what you're dealing with.
But I think that then you would have an exact account of what's going on.
You'd have somebody to help somebody get acclimated into what it's like to be in America or what it's like to live in a new place.
And then you solve a lot of that problem.
Then you, because otherwise we don't know what it's like for people living right on the border.
You know, and suddenly people are in their yards and running and they're starving and scared or thirsty.
We don't know what that's like if we're not right there.
You know, I just feel like we could have a smarter program overall to help people come in.
What do I know, though?
You know, what am I know?
I'm just thinking out loud.
All right, let's get to another call.
985-664-9503.
Hey, CL, this is your boy Chad in Iowa.
Hey, Chad in Iowa.
And you know, I love Iowa.
You know, my heart has been, I've been getting these ideas in my brain and in my heart over the past couple months to do a comedy tour.
Like a rural, just middle of nowhere comedy tour.
Not middle of nowhere, because nowhere is someone's everywhere.
You know, nowhere is my nowhere might be, you know, might be your somewhere, you know, your everything.
But I'm trying to think about how, you know, doing a rural comedy tour, and I mean just getting out there, boy, someplace you could fucking smell the bacon, you know.
Some people, a place where if you see somebody eating a couple of, you know, you see somebody having that nightingale egg omelette, you don't look at them sideways.
Let's take more, Onward.
Not too many of us.
I was just listening to the responses to your P problem, your, you know, shrinking violet there.
Oh, yeah, and he's talking about when I was having urinary troubles in Phoenix.
When I was at the urinate, the urinal and couldn't get that couldn't get that faucet to pop.
Let's go.
The first, I was glad to hear somebody call with the mathematical thing.
That is absolutely true.
The part of your brain that controls math also, for some reason, controls your P, urethra, or whatever.
I don't get it.
It's biology, but that is absolutely true.
Dude, you don't even have to go through the tables.
Just go, what's 67 times 3?
And even the idea of thinking of that, you're going to be pissing before you know it.
Just make up some number.
What's 273 plus 9?
You're piffing.
And there you go.
And he's saying a caller had called in and suggested to me that I do math when I'm at the urinal.
And apparently that's a real thing then.
That if you just start doing math, this gentleman from Iowa is saying that if you do math, that part of your brain that does math also runs the urinary, the uretha.
So there you go.
You know what I'm saying?
If you divide it, they will piss, is what I'm saying.
And that's full Iowa.
I'm talking Dyersville, baby.
I'm talking Dyersville.
All right, so there you go.
Try the math.
If you are having trouble at the urinal, you know, other guys around you are grunting and pissing and doing all kind of stuff, juggling.
They're doing it right.
They're making fire, and you're really standing there just struggling to get your match to flare.
Do math.
All right, let's take another call that came in.
Onward.
Hey, Dio, this is Josh from Sacramento, California.
Josh from Sacramento, baby.
Sactown.
That's the Diaz Brothers country, son.
I think, oh, that's Stockton.
Sacramento, though.
Dude, everybody in Sacramento looks like a missing person, bruh.
Beautiful place, man.
Also, who that?
Shout out to my Saints.
I forgot about that.
Yeah, man, I love the New Orleans Saints.
Onward.
I just want to say thanks.
I love the podcast.
I think every week you always bring something new, something fresh, something funny for all us gang gang members out here.
Gang gang, Papa.
I just finished listening to the episode November.
Wanted to say I think it's awesome that you create a space for all us dudes who have struggled with, you know, blowing loads into our hands and stuff.
Whew, he said it right out like that, man.
He said it making that little, you know, the sweet cream like Big Richard used to say he was making back there.
And he was a guy who was a convicted pediophile in my area when I was growing up, Big Richard.
Homer?
On the frequent, I think it's great that you create a space for us so we can help kind of overcome those things together.
I'm a recovering nut blower, I guess you could say.
Oh, yeah.
You out there fucking blasting pecans, huh, daddy?
Not in the oral sexual way, but in the masturbation.
It's okay, man.
Look, hey, bud, if you want to suck a guy off, you can do it.
You know, it's 2018, man.
You can almost, I mean, dude, legally, they just made it legal.
You can date a second cousin.
First cousin, there's genetic crossover.
You know, you're going to be double-dribbling.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
You're going to have a baby that can do the three-legged race by himself.
But if you want to date a second cousin, man, or polish him off with the insides of your face, you can do it.
Let's hear more.
Sense of the term.
And just want to say there's hope out there, guys.
You just got to stick to it.
The best thing that helped me get over that was competition.
I saw a documentary where a fighter won it masturbate before his fight, and he would always win.
There you go.
So if you're out there, if you're not winning right now and you're just out there blowing yourself out every night, come on.
Man, there's more to be done.
There's more to be done.
But thank you for that call.
All right, let's take one more call here, man.
Onward.
Hey, Theo, so to start this off, I'm not sure if this is a great question for you personally, and I don't mean that in a bad way.
Look, I don't take that in a bad way at all, man.
I'm just happy that you called.
Thank you.
I'm just not sure if you have a lot of experience with this.
So it might be more of a topic or question for your listeners.
So I'm 18. I've been dating this girl for the past six years.
Okay, so you started dating when you were 12 onward?
We've been together since 7th grade.
You know, recently she went off to college, and things have been kind of weird since then.
I think she's getting to the point now where she wants to break up.
You know, I just kind of wanted your advice on that.
I mean, she's helped me through addiction.
She's helped me through my parents' divorce, depression, you name it.
She's been there.
And, you know, like I said, I think she wants to break up now.
And I was really hoping that Thanksgiving break is coming up.
And I was hoping that she would want to spend that time together and try to work things out more.
I'm not sure if that's going to happen.
So, you know, man, I just love her and really scared of what's going to happen, I guess.
So my questions are, how do people deal with a long-distance relationship?
And then also, if it does come down to breaking up, how do people deal with such a big breakup?
Because, you know, for me, it's almost a third of my life that we've been together.
She's just always been there.
She means absolutely everything to me.
See, I don't know, man.
Sorry if it's a little confusing.
It's kind of hard to keep a thought.
But yeah, any advice that you can give, that'd be awesome.
Same with your listeners.
Excuse me there.
Thank you for the call, man.
I think this was, you know, this is exactly what I wanted to, you know, I'm glad you called.
Yeah, because I don't want you having to just think about this stuff by yourself and get too swarmed up.
Man, I can relate to this.
You know, I had an experience when I was in right when I got out of, when I got into, you know, right around that high school, college time, I was dating a girl, and it was long distance, and she, you know, she was ready to really kind of explore the world in a lot of ways and meet new people.
And, you know, sometimes as young men, we put a lot of that on, like, you know, for me anyway, I just, all I could think about was her having, hooking up with other guys, her hooking up with other guys.
But really, the truth was she just needed to kind of be free.
You know, and I was heartbroken, man.
I was just heartbroken.
I mean, I remember I laid in a street in my neighborhood.
It wasn't even my neighborhood.
I just laid in the street somewhere, and I was smoking menthol cigarettes, you know, because they had a lot of brothers around me blowing out all the time.
And I was, you know, doing menthols, and I wanted to just, you know, and they were a lot of the, at the time, a lot of black men were struggling in America.
So I just wanted to just emulate any struggle, you know.
I just wanted to just, you know, every hit I took off of that menthol cigarette, I just, that was my Amistad.
You know, I just wanted to just, I don't know, I wanted to burn my insides up because she wanted to move on and I wanted to kind of stay.
I wanted to stay where everything was.
And the truth was, I mean, yeah, I was really in love with her at the time, but also I was just afraid of change.
You know, I was so scared of change.
But it sounds like, man, you know, this is somebody you've really cared about.
And you said that she was there for some really important times in your life.
And sometimes, you know, someone's in our life for a certain amount of time just for really important things.
You know, and it's kind of great that you've had her for these moments.
You know, she sounds like a neat person.
I don't even know her, but I can just feel it.
You know, in the bass, in the baritones in the back, you know, in the back strap of your vocals, I can hear it.
In the rear instruments, you know, I can hear that she's probably a decent person.
And here's the thing, man.
You're going to have other chances with her.
It's going to be hard, though.
It's going to be hard.
You have to stay busy.
Your mind is going to be your worst enemy if you really start to miss her.
You know, when you're not less than because she wants, she's just at a moment in her life where that's going to happen.
You know, there's a setting free of the, you know, there's this freedom that comes when someone goes off to college and that mindset.
And you have to find yourself now.
You have to find out who you are, you know, somewhat separate from her.
And it's going to take effort, man.
I hate to tell you that because I know it's probably going to be hard sometimes to, you know, stay motivated or stay moving if you get those thoughts in your head that she doesn't care, she's not thinking about you, or she's dating or doing other things.
But you can do it.
You know, you can make better choices than just laying in the street and smoking cigarettes.
You know, if I could go back in time, I'd have spent more time with my friends.
I would have used that time to try and be brave and even just go on dates.
But there's a great chance.
It's hard to see this when you're young, and I'm not preaching at you, but it's hard to see how many more opportunities you may have to date or to be in love or to have an experience with someone that you met when you were younger.
Yeah, but it sounds like, man, you guys have something really special.
Six years, you've only been alive for 18, and for six years you guys have had each other in your lives.
That's a long time.
You know, and maybe something that can help is to like kind of pray for her.
And I'm not saying that, you know, like in a Christian way, but just, you know, to think about her and wish the best for her.
You know, my father used to pray for his enemies all the time.
And eventually, even though they never knew it, he cared about them because there's something inside of us where if we kind of wish for something or hope for something enough or pray for something enough to do well, then we start to want to, we kind of support it instead of dislike it, you know?
So just praying for her to be happy.
And, you know, and eventually her being happy could bring her back your way.
Well, you have another opportunity.
And look, man, I'll tell you this.
I was in love with a girl and she came back around years later.
And dude, I'm glad we didn't end up together.
She's a great girl, but years later, she wasn't the same.
You know, the girl you love right now, 10 years from now, she could be doing gambling.
You know, she could be stealing.
She could be a real, real chatty.
You don't want to be a lifelong listener, brother.
You end up with a real chatty Kathy, and they have a couple, you know, some cinnamon certs, or they have some Skittles or something.
It's hard to listen to all of it.
So you don't want, you know, you don't know who she is really yet.
And this is a chance for you.
It's going to be, this is going to be a really good chance for you.
So I would just, I would think and try and wish the best for her, even when there's moments where you don't want to.
You know, man, I want her to do well.
I want her to be happy.
I want her to have new experiences and learn and find, have some joy in her life.
You know, and I think that can help you.
You do that for a couple of weeks, man.
It could help you get through some of that because then you're going to be more supporting.
Part of you is going to want to support her instead of not want to.
Because we have this thing inside of us.
If we cheer for something, even if we hate it, eventually we'll start to kind of actually want it to do well.
And then that's such a much better place to be for us because now instead of the feelings of hating something or disliking an experience, now we're like, we're cheering it on.
But also, those are just my thoughts, man.
And what do I know?
You know, I'm just a struggling man in his 30s that's, you know, only got five days off of his own ball bag.
So Who knows?
But I do know that I'm grateful to be back here from Utah today.
And I'm happy to be here with you guys and to be part of this past weekend and have this experience.
And that's it, man.
You know, we can get out of here.
We can go off in our week.
The holidays are coming up.
It's going to come so fast.
Because it's two weeks until Thanksgiving or something like that or two days or something.
Start it now.
Don't wait.
Wish happy holidays right fucking now, boy.
I'll start wishing people that shit right after Mardi Gras.
Dude, I'll be at a funeral right after Mardi.
I'll be at a funeral in June and be like, happy holidays, you know?
I'll be hanging mistletoe up outside of At a Damn Wake.
You know, that's where I'm at.
So it's a great time.
Don't let anybody make you feel bad for being in the season, for having that feeling.
Don't let anybody, you know, look at you being joyous and make you feel ashamed of any of your joy.
Keep your chestnuts off the open fire.
Some of you guys, I don't know how many people have been busting out down there, but hold the line, you know, you can do it.
And be good to yourselves, man.
Because you probably deserve it, and I'm going to try to be good to myself, you know.
We can do it.
We can do it.
head out with this song actually i just thought of this one i love this and this is um Let's head out with this song.
Here we go.
We got this.
Come on.
Come in.
I ain't seen home in about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
Take care of yourselves.
And I ain't made a dollar I ain't spent.
But where it's going ain't killed me yet.
I still get where I'm bound to go.
Hug somebody, baby.
I'm making it.
I'm making wrong feel right.
Hit somebody with that.
Hit somebody.
I'm making good times.
Hit somebody with that handful of cinnamon.
You feel me?
You want to be in love with somebody?
Let somebody eat cinnamon out of the palm of your hand.
You want to talk about pornography?
That's what I'm talking about.
Hit them with that old cinnamon Wilson.
You feel me?
Come on, boy.
You want to do the new pornography?
Reshape it.
Put it into your relationship, into your marriage, however you want.
Change the game.
These are old templates we're running on.
This is somebody else invented this bullshit and we're letting it live in ours, in our heads, in our hearts, in our lives.
Come on, man.
Get that cinnamon Wilson, man.
Old school.
You want to show a lady a good time?
Put a little bit of cinnamon, you know, in this hand, you know?
Be that front open palm.
She knows what's coming at her right there.
Little handful of cinnamon.
Dude, you let a baby gall lick some cinnamon off your fucking palms, boy?
Come on.
Then you hit her with that hidden fist full of coriander on the other side.
And now, suddenly things is getting sweet.
And it helps where I'm headed then.
I'm making good time.
I'm making good time.
This is Making It by Bishop Gunn.
This is Making It by Bishop Gunn.
And most all of my plans slip right through my hands and wound up next to me.
We'll stay with him.
He's gonna switch out.
If this bottle was an hourglass, I'd say that I'm about an hour past.
The minute I should have put it down, but I'm making it.
Actually, you know what?
I'm making balls feel right.
I'm making it.
stay We stuck with it, and look, it's picking up.
See?
We stuck with it and things are picking up.
Oh, taking good time.
Oh, taking good time.
I live here alone in my skin in my skin, but I'm in pretty good shape for the shape.
That's it.
I'm making it.
I'm making it.
I'll make your own feel right.
Yeah, I'm making it.
I'm making it.
I'm making time.
I'm making it.
I'm making it.
I'm making it all feel right.
I'm making it.
And it tells me I'm making it.
I'm making good times.
Make your time Making good times, man.
I hate to see home in thy hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
That is Making It by Bishop Gunn.
Man, I've been riding their music for a long time now, but it helped me get through a lot of this year in certain moments, and this is one of them.
You know, making wrongs feel right.
You know, we're figuring it out.
You got to be good to yourselves.
You probably deserve it.
A la.
I'll see you next time.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Here's a deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jermaine.
Ho, ho, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Ho, ho, ho!
No!
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?