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This episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block, an especially great place to get Italian food inside of your body.
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Get that eater.
What's up, you little grilled artichoke hearts?
Ooh, a grilled artichoke heart.
That sounds like a very Halloween-y treat.
You know, maybe a rack of lamb.
That sounds like a Halloween treat.
Dude, a lot of foods just sound like a Caesar salad.
Like they made salad out of Caesar.
Et two brute past the Thousand Islander.
Happy Halloween.
Let's get into this.
Let's get into this.
*music*
Help me.
Die, die.
Help me.
You didn't pay the rent.
I've got poison ivy.
I've got poison ivy.
*crying* *crying* *crying* *crying* *crying* *crying* *crying* *crying* *crying* Oh my god.
Oh my god, what have I done?
I'm not a wolf dad.
Oh my god, what have I done?
Y'all trying to jerk each other around for what?
Whoa!
Bye.
That's it.
And here we are.
And it is all Hallows Eve or almost Hallows Eve.
You know, it's almost Hallows Eve.
It's coming up.
Halloween.
When you can take a candle, think about what you can do is you can take a candle and put it into a pumpkin.
And the pumpkin comes alive.
That's something special.
You know, it's amazing.
Something that you would think doesn't even have the ability to have reach come out of it.
A pumpkin.
A pumpkin.
You can put eyes in it and a mouth and a nose and put light inside of it.
And suddenly it takes on a whole new adventure.
Because not only does that pumpkin have the ability now, but then that pumpkin can make some choices of its own.
And I'm happy to be here today with you.
Happy Halloween this week.
And I sell, look, you know I'm celebrating this.
You know, I've already taken my heart out and put a raven in there.
So, you know, I'm running on that Edgar Allan Poe.
I got that caged, I got that caged that, you know, I got that caged crow.
And that's what I'm clucking around with this week.
I love Halloween.
I love it.
You know, I love that you can just, I mean, you could just kind of, you can feel it open.
You can feel the, you know, this is that one time of year where they leave the gate to the graveyard open and we can come and go as we want.
And the spirits from yesteryear can come back and visit us.
So you might feel something on your shoulder.
What is that?
A raindrop?
You know, is that a couple of raindrops just tap me on the shoulder?
Is that some bird duty that, you know, hit me, you know, repeatedly, a couple of different bird duties that hit me?
No.
Maybe that's a skeleton just tap, tap, tap, tapping his three fingers on your shoulder.
Because he's got a secret from the past to tell you.
So you got to keep your spirit open.
We got to keep our spirits open, man.
I want my spirit to be open.
Because you know that there's, look, there's secrets flying through the air year round.
Year round.
But we don't pay attention.
But this is that time of year, you know, El Día de los Muertos, the day of the dead, when we stop and we listen.
Is that the breeze?
I don't think so.
That's my great, great, great, great grandmother bitching about something from a long time ago.
That's Halloween.
Hear people complain from so long ago.
That's one of the gifts of right now.
One of the things that can happen.
You know, when you can take something that's not working or that's not even capable, you know, it's kind of like the autumn.
You know, this time of year, I love the fall too because it's refreshing.
You know, it's kind of like a shasta.
I don't know if you ever had that shasta soda.
You know, when I was young, we used to have, you know, different people had different sodas.
They had Pepsi.
They had orange crush.
Had a picture of an orange circle slice on it.
What else did they have?
Mountain Dew.
And then they had Shasta.
And Shasta was, I think, this shit was maybe a dime a can.
You know what I'm saying?
You could drink one.
You could, you know, fucking throw one out on the interstate.
You could do whatever you wanted with them.
They weren't, it was, it was like for 10 cents, you either got something to drink or something to throw that was really hard.
You could play football, you could, you know, paint it brown and play football with it.
We used to do that sometimes.
And then sometimes somebody would get hit so hard the can would bust, and that was just that one fumble, and the whole game was over because it was just a 12-ounce can.
But yeah, that shasta was just basically very minimal soda.
But that's what this time of year is, but it was refreshing.
Shasta was so refreshing.
That's what I remember about it.
And you pour that shast in your throat, and it would kind of, you know, it would kind of burn your throat.
And it had a flavor.
It was like raspberry or butterscotch or some crazy, sometimes the flavors were, you're like, is this a flavor really?
Menthol.
You're like, I don't know if that's supposed to be a soda, but you would drink it all, that shast.
And sometimes you couldn't even, it wasn't even, didn't even have a flavor.
It would just burn your throat so bad.
And then you would just be so grateful that the burn went away that you would be like, oh, the soda's good.
Because finally the burn of the soda would go away from your throat.
You'd be like, oh, thank God.
And it left you with a feeling of like you overcame something.
It was really just like a 12-ounce count of challenge and adversity.
And that was shast of soda.
But I love that this time of year is refreshing.
You know, it's a time of year where you could take a, you know, things start to slow down a little bit.
Even in California, California, you know, in Los Angeles, one of the problems that we have here is, and I know I'm constantly naming many of them, but one of them, besides traffic and a lack of community, and I'm talking about in the city, you get out in the suburbs, man, things are a little bit more regular.
But you get here in the city, man, it's just, there's a lot of greed and loneliness that's overcome people.
But one of the things that I, to me, one of the things that this time of year allows is for you to start something new, to take a life, you know, even here it slows down a little bit because the season starts changing.
It gets a little colder here in Los Angeles.
So suddenly you, you know, you get a little like, oh, it makes you look around for a second because you get so caught up in being in the sunny days here.
Man, I get so caught up in being in the sunny days here that I don't know.
The year just all runs together.
And every day there's like some, you know, there's a couple of vagrants running around dressed up like Santa, you know, pissing in a park and stuff like that and, you know, hiding bottles of urine and stuff from each other and playing, you know, hide and go sip.
They're running around just drinking each other's urine.
And that's in the park right by my house, dude.
Duck, duck, piss, bro.
A bunch of people out there playing games, dirty games with different urine.
And some of them selling dirty urine and clean urine in the park by me trying to, you know, people trying to pass drug tests, people trying to fail drug tests, people just trying to get their thirst quenched.
You know, there's a lot.
I mean, if you put your ear up to the wind at night in my neighborhood, you could hear, you know, a lot of just dirty gallons being passed between hands.
But this time of year, even in Los Angeles, it gets a little windy and it gets a little cool and the seasons come in.
And you just kind of get a second to like breathe, I feel like, and to look at what's going on around you.
And you can take something old and you can put a light in it.
You can kind of, you know, see how something has fared you for this past year.
You know, I've been doing this.
Has this been good?
You know, I've been eating, you know, I mean, you know, I dated a girl, you know, she'll wake up in the middle of the night and get a bunch of Skittles and do Skittles in the middle of the night.
You know, crawl back into the bed and she got a mouth full of, you know, those little rainbow flavor crumbs.
Those, you know, them little, you know, look like a little, a couple of rabbit duties, those, you know, rainbow rabbit duty hitters, them sugar hitters, and she got a jaw full of them.
And she go back to sleep with a mouth full of Skittles.
And now she, but and she could handle it.
Because women are organized, man.
Women can be very organized.
And now I'm laying here on choke watch, making sure she don't choke all night.
But what I'm saying is that this is a time of year where you can take something, oh, but you could, maybe you look at that.
Have I been putting Skittles in my mouth and going to bed?
Maybe that's not serving me anymore.
Maybe it's time to let that go and let that be a ghost.
Or you could take something like, oh, I've been thinking about this, but I haven't really been doing it.
And now you could take action and do that.
You know, now you could find something that's a pumpkin.
It's good.
It's nice.
It will make a nice kind of veggie casserole.
But if you spend a little more time with it and you hollow it out and put some eyes in it and draw a snout on it and cut a little mouth into it and you put a little bit of light in it, a little bit of time, a little bit of effort.
And now you got something that you're going to use to haunt the rest of your year.
You got something that you've taken that isn't, it's not perfect yet.
You know, maybe you got some construction paper sitting around on the table and a little bit of tape and you've been thinking, oh, you know, I'm going to make an origami lantern.
But you haven't been, but now's the time.
Take a little time.
Slow things down.
Put some light into something.
Put some light into a family member.
Put some light into a friend.
You know, and watch it.
And watch it grow into something beautiful that's going to help keep you warm and keep you excited.
Some new adventure that's going to carry you on into these winter months.
A little bit more of that tune.
Here it was.
And that was Vampires Suck, and that's by Jean Bjork.
And you can find that out there in the ether somewhere.
And that's just some haunting music.
Just something to keep you tempted and something to keep you twisted.
And just remind you that this is a week to have fun.
This is a week when you, if you want, man, Halloween is a great time to tickle somebody.
And tickling, we should enjoy tickling before they outlaw it.
You know, they got a lot of these snarky, you know, angry people that just write articles and stuff all day.
And most of them are just on Twitter, angry, sad.
They're probably going to start outlawing tickling.
They say you're trying to molest people's bones through their skin.
Bitch, I'm tickling somebody.
Okay?
I'm not doing whatever you're saying.
I'm tickling.
All right?
I'm bringing these phalanges and trying to get them gigalanges out of somebody.
You know, I'm trying to play those ribs, man.
When I grew up, actually, they had a lady in our neighborhood and she was a rib reader and she was a mystic.
And for maybe 40 cents, she'd read your ribs, you know?
Just run her fingers up and down the sides of your ribs for maybe about six or seven minutes, bruh, and kind of tell you your future.
Pretty cool.
Pretty cool that she could do that, you know.
And she also did hair.
You know, and her real name was Miss Bobby, and on the weekends, she'd put a different sign outside and she would do hair.
Dude, the haircuts from her, no joke, no joke, $4.
So you got that $4 chop, man.
And it looked like about maybe it was worth $3.
Dude, I would go there all the time.
I left out of there.
I looked Amish.
You know, I looked a couple times.
I looked like a doll, like a kind of like a cheap doll you might get maybe in Poland.
I looked like sometimes it didn't look like somebody had cut my hair.
It looked like somebody had just basically tied a bunch of like scissors to their foot and then just kicked me in the sides of the head a couple times.
You know?
Just like I got that karate cut.
Suddenly I'm a black belt and looking like shit.
But dude, something was fun about being young and looking like shit, man.
And when you look like shit, man, you roll up into a place, dude, you got nothing to prove.
Because nobody's expecting anything.
I like that.
That's one thing.
That's a costume I don't want to wear anymore is expectations.
You know, I want to get rid of these expectations in this fall.
I wish you a happy Halloween, man.
I was at the Orpheum.
I just got back from Phoenix.
Thank you to everybody that came out.
It was crazy, man.
This whole weekend was crazy.
I was at this comedy festival in Phoenix.
And I got to do two nights in a theater.
You know, I'm talking that John Wilkes booth country boy, Pop Pop, that Lincoln killer, bro.
We were in a real theater.
And dude, it was just magical.
They say your name, you come out on stage, and everybody's excited.
You know, I met a young guy.
He came out with his father.
They came to a show.
They had a guy and his brother.
I met them outside of the stage door and we took a picture.
Some lovely students from ASU, some nurses, beautiful, beautiful group.
A lot of just great people came out.
I met a Betelgeuse.
They had a man being a Betelgeuse out there.
Man, it just really warmed my heart, dude.
You know, honestly, when I really think about it, it just warmed my heart to like, I don't know.
I can't really explain it.
Like, yeah, I know, I know, you know, I went and did the jokes and everything, but I just, the people that come out, I'm noticing that are coming out to the shows are, I don't know.
It's like people that I would just like to meet in real life.
You know, everybody I meet, it just seemed like just easy to talk to, understanding.
I don't know, man.
It just makes me feel really good.
You know, and I don't mean that in a selfish way, like it makes me, like the going on stage part and doing the jokes and stuff, that makes me feel good.
But I'm starting to feel like a bait for the fact that we're able to get together.
You know, that we're able to, that I feel like we are, you know, what we're doing through here, even through this podcast, is just bringing good people together.
And I don't feel like I'm responsible for that, but I feel like, you know, I'm just happy to be part of that.
But I'm telling you, I'm not joking.
At these shows, people that are coming out, man, it's just special people.
You know, and I feel like, you know, I feel like we're going to be able to do some good things in the world.
And it's going to take some time, but I really feel like we're going to be able to do some good things in the world, man.
And man, that makes me feel good.
And so I want to say thank you guys for coming out and supporting, you know, the laughter.
I think maybe that's what it is.
Maybe, you know, the laughter is kind of like the, you know, part of the, not bait, because bait feels like something that you use to trick.
But maybe the laughter is just, it's like a little fire, you know, and it gives us like a place to kind of meet.
But I feel like in the future, we can do some really great things together somehow.
And I'm happy to be a part of that.
And thank you guys for coming out.
Dude, it was crazy.
You walk out on the stage and like people are, and all you can hear is you can hear people, but you can't, and you can feel it a little bit, but you can't see very far.
Because they got lights.
Some asshole in the back shine a bright light right in your fucking eyes, bruh.
It's kind of like cops.
When cops knock on the door of your car, dude, that's always the craziest, man, when the cop knocks and you're trying to think like, man, and the worst is when you hid your weed in the glove box.
What an idiot.
Man, you hid your weed in the only place the cop is going to ask you to open.
Dude, I've Done that before.
License and registration.
The second you start to lean towards that glove box, you're like, fuck.
I'm an idiot.
I hid my weed right there.
Boom, bam.
Dude, a buddy of mine one time handed the cop the registration and some weed, man.
Like, dude, you fucking dumb, bro.
Like, I'm dumb, but you are definitely, definitely dumb.
But yeah, I had a great time at Phoenix.
And I'll be back there actually in March.
Tickets aren't on sale yet, but I do want to let you guys know that I'm coming back there for a full weekend at Stand Up Live.
I had such a great time, man.
I can't not come back.
And that was it, man.
I was out there with Brendan Shaubs and Brian Collins, Big Jay Okerson, Ari Shafir.
And I was just honored, man.
And to be on like a big stage is cool because now it's like you have like a playground.
You know, I felt like during the second show, I told this story that I haven't been telling very much about my mom.
And I just felt I had like a big playground to move around on.
Remember like when you would go to school and you would get, like if you say you were in third grade and the next year you went to a different school and you had that first recess on your new playground?
And it was like, dang, what's going on out here?
They had some toys, you know, they had the monkey bars.
They had the slide.
The slide was always a piece of shit, bruh, honestly.
Dude, especially in the south, man, they gave us metal slides.
Basically, here's a oven that you can slide down if you want to.
Dude, some days it was 97 degrees down there in our town.
And the one toy out there, you got 70 kids trying to play on a fucking hot slide.
So basically, here's what would happen.
You'd have one kid go down, then the other 69 kids are now suddenly playing a game called EMTs, Emergency Medical Technicians.
Because they had that one dude, bruh, fucking little hot legs Daniel.
You know, he'd be at the top and people would be like, Daniel, don't do it, Daniel.
But you know Daniel, bruh.
He makes his own choices, dude.
He makes his own choices.
And old Daniel, who had just recovered from the burns from last year, gonna give that fucking 96 degree slide a second chance.
And man, the second he hit the top of that slide when he sat on it, bro, you could hear the scream start.
And I mean the type of scream that starts in your toes and just reverberates up your thighs through your just your crotch area.
I mean, dude, you'd see the wee would shoot right out of his body.
The wee would, it was just too hot.
The wee would just boil like a steam.
Like somebody just made a batch of chamomile in his bladder and just that tea kettle just blew out that bladder.
The we would just shoot right out of him, just like the Polar Express was taking off out of his cratch.
And then that scream would just reverberate right.
You'd see it rattling through his chest.
And it would just steep, just steep right out of his mouth.
As he would hit the slide and his legs would just roast.
I mean, just a couple damn just beef jerkies.
That dude would be laying on the ground and all the other kids playing EMT suddenly.
Just because old fucking Hot Daniel wants to try the slide again.
Come on, bruh.
Tighten up.
Tighten up.
Man, it's good to be here.
I'm happy to be here.
You know, I was listening to some old episodes of the podcast and I was trying to think if the, and I know a lot of people don't care.
They say just do the podcast, but, you know, I've just been feeling, I think I've been feeling so busy, it's been hard for me to feel more relaxed and more in touch.
You know, and I want this podcast to be a place where, you know, I can share what's going on in my life and you guys can share what's going on with yours.
And so I'm going to try to work on that personally over this holidays and just get myself physically into a better place where I'm feeling just, you know, just managing my time better and less exhausting and stuff like that.
So that's a commitment that I want to make to you guys as our listeners.
And I know some of you guys are like, hey, man, just, you know, thanks for being here and thanks for showing up.
And I appreciate you saying that.
But I want to do better.
You know, because I know in the, you know, I'm listening to some old episodes and sometimes it just, I don't know, there just, there was points where it felt more, not more caring, but just more like it was just us, you know, like it was just you and me.
So in some ways, I want to be able to try and, you know, I want to work towards that.
And this is a time of year to think about that.
And I'm glad that I have some time now with the holidays.
I'm going to see my nieces and nephews tomorrow.
Man, I can't wait.
I'm going down to Baton Rouge.
I'm going to be in New Orleans tomorrow night.
And then I'm going to see my nieces and nephews.
Man, God has blessed me with so many nieces and nephews, man.
It really, you know, it makes me so happy to see like those children having fun, you know?
I mean, I call my niece and nephews and they're on the phone and they're just having fun.
You know, they're not fighting.
Like whenever people would call us at my house, we were always fighting, man.
Somebody always screaming, getting beat.
Dude, somebody, you get the phone.
I remember getting beat with the phone, bro.
People beating each other with the fucking phone.
You'd have to tell somebody, hold on, and then you'd hand the phone to somebody and then they would beat you with it.
Like, damn, bruh.
You know, this shit is heated out here in these Tela streets.
It's Halloween time.
I'll be in Buffalo also this weekend.
Then I'm going to Buffalo, New York.
And that'll be cool.
Get up there in the winter, see a little bit of the winter time.
Maybe, you know, go on some hiking trails.
I don't know what's going on up there in Buffalo.
You know, that's beef yerky Country.
That's Buffalo chicken wings.
You know, they got them little wings.
And I think, honestly, I respect Buffalo, but I think it's sad to take a wing off a little bird like that.
Imagine seeing that little bird, man.
He ain't done nothing.
He probably just, you know, this little bird probably in the first or second grade.
And he don't even, he got these little bitty ass wings, you know?
He probably still wear like train him, you know, special underwear in case he pees on himself in class and stuff like that.
And here come these big companies and they chopping the wings off of him.
Come on, Buffalo.
What are y'all doing?
And then they put the celery right next to it, make you feel better about yourself.
Because celery don't care about dying.
You know, celery, celery's that green victim, bruh.
It's that green willing victim.
Celery's just like, hey, chop me down, cat daddy.
I'm ready for the Lord.
But they, you know, they, they, they, that celery, they just show that as a little accoutrement.
But the real crazy part, they got these first and second grade little chickens and they taking their wings off of them just to put them in a little bit of ranch.
How about this?
Why don't you make a can of little buff of chicken wing spray?
I spray ahead of it out on my tongue, get that feeling and that vibe, you know, and to get those vibes, those CW vibes on my teasy.
And then I just, you know, a little squirter ranch in your mouth.
And then I can sit there while I have that and think about these beautiful little chickens finally making it in the third grade, you know, and getting report guards and getting, you know, you know, S's and positive scores on their little report cards in their first and second and third nine weeks and all of that.
So just a thought, man.
But I'll be up there, Brian.
I'll probably have some fucking them teriyaki hitters.
Some Buffalo chicken wings.
A lot of great calls that came in.
I will be in Buffalo.
The only other place that I'm coming to be, there's some other places, but the only place that you guys don't know about that I'm going to be is where else?
Oh, Lexington, Kentucky, December 7th and 8th.
And those tickets are on sale.
Buffalo and Lexington.
The other places for this year, I believe, are sold out.
What else happened this weekend, man?
Oh, I got nervous, dude.
You know, one thing, sometimes like, you know, I'm trying to deal with like, you know, meeting more people and stuff like that when I'm out just, you know, running around.
And in the bathroom, I'm finding I got that nervousness.
You know, I got that nervousness.
And nerves, it's basically like dirty electricity that hides in your body.
And I get it when I'm at the urinal.
You know, and the urinal is just basically a special hole that they made and they put like a pretty thing over it and you just urinate into it.
It's by the wall.
And I get up there, man, and I noticed I was in Phoenix and I'm peeing at the urinal, doing what I do, you know, letting God just pull water out of my body through the front of me.
And I couldn't go.
And the two dudes that we all showed up at the same line, at the same time, and then they left.
They got finished.
You know, these fellas are all emptied out.
And I'm still just standing there, just riding.
I mean, this is like a, you know, it's like a river rodeo.
I'm trying to get that river.
I'm trying to spark.
And I'm just basically pushing as hard as I can, just like squeeze, like pushing forward, almost like you would to try to do a duty, but you're doing it towards the front for urine.
And I'm just pushing, man.
I can't get that urine to fire.
I can't get that match to strike, that flint to steal.
I can't get it.
And then those dudes finish the second guys.
So now I'm still standing here.
And you can still, like the first dudes had already washed their hands and they left.
You know, now the second dudes are, and I'm still there, bruh.
So now I'm not even peeing.
I'm just some guy who's been holding his dick for about two minutes.
And that's, that's crazier when you think about it.
You know, when you think about the fact that then you're just some guy who's been holding on to his penis for two minutes around other men.
There's nothing wrong with it, but there's nothing right with it.
And so it just, you know, that was something I did, you know, just, I was just got gun shy and I noticed that my nerves will land right there in my crotch a lot of time in my C-rotch.
You know, right down there by my baby bird, by that spicy frog.
And that's what I'll notice.
And that started happening to me again.
So I'm a little bit worried sometimes about how I'm dealing with anxiety, but I think a lot of that is just, I got to start taking some better care of myself.
And so I got into some physical fitness.
You know, because one thing is my mind hasn't been doing super great, like very, you know, I've just been, I've been in my head too much.
And so when you're in your head, then you got to get into your body.
Because, you know, your energy is just, your energy, your neck is that Mason Dixon.
And your energy, you need to keep it even.
And if you use that, you know, sometimes you got a union a little and sometimes you got a Confederacy a little.
Because you want it to be even Steven.
You want to have both parties just sitting right there along that Mason Dixon, just playing handball and doing Yahtzee.
Look, I did a Yahtzee one time with nine dice.
So I'm not saying I'm, you know, no, Jesus Christ, but you try it.
Only took me 70 rolls, bro.
And did a Yahtzee with nine dice, bro.
All fours, player.
I'll see you in heaven.
See you in heaven.
But I'm going to start getting back into some physical fitness because I want my Mason Dixon to be, you know, to be a safe place for everybody.
Because otherwise, my nerves get all up above, above.
And then all that energy gets stuck and I'm frenetic in the top.
And that's all, you know, and I want to be even.
I want to be even, Steven.
Oh, happy Halloween, guys.
We have some costumes that Came in.
You'll be able to see these on the YouTube.
I'm going to look through the pictures really quick.
I want to thank the people that sent them in.
First, we have, and I'm looking at them right now for the first time.
And also, if you see our set, we have a very spooky set today.
And that's beautiful, man.
I'll say this: man, my mother always decorated our house.
My mother always decorated our house.
You know, my mother always did good with holidays.
She always did good with holidays, man.
She would make sure that on holidays, you know, like important events, you know, she did good on those.
And she made, she always did the decorations and stuff like that.
And, you know, I love the fact that she did that, man.
That makes me feel really proud of her for doing that.
Because I bet it's probably hard when you're a mom and you get home sometimes or, you know, you finally got that one day off.
And the one thing you want to do is go get that box out of the attic, especially when you don't even have an attic.
We just had a box just tied up near the ceiling.
And we would say that's the attic.
It's like, bitch, that's just some fucking rope and tape about a ceiling, you know, covering a box.
But that was our attic, you know.
And one of the toilets upstairs got leaked out one time.
You know, they had that brown ring forming around the base of it.
And it started to kind of, you know, crap, you know, the toilet will start to hide in the floor a little bit if it gets, if the wood or whatever it is, the linoleum gets too damp around it.
And, you know, we have four kids, bro.
So the chance of hitting the toilet when you're urinating with four children, I mean, you're shooting at about probably 22%.
You know what I'm saying, man?
You're shooting, yeah, you're probably about 22%.
So a lot of that moisture in that body urine would get into the wood around the toilet.
And the toilet started to kind of, you know, fade into the wood a little bit because if wood couldn't hold it up because the wood was getting all greased out from the children urine.
Because children urine, bro, dude, you could run a go-kart off a kid's urine.
That stuff's spicy.
That stuff's spicy.
Hey, it's got that kit kick in it.
You know, you put a drop in each eyeball, dog, you could see far, bruh.
Children urine's super powerful.
In Native American times, dude, they would take children's urine and they would dye different like bird feathers and stuff in it and wear them and put them right in the crack of their butt and stuff during like dances and parties and stuff for good luck.
So the, you know, the medical capabilities of children urine, priceless, bro.
Children urine, I mean, if you have, let me think, if you had about six gallons of children urine and the cops show up, you're fucked, bro.
I'll tell you that.
So it's okay to use it medicinally here and there, but don't go, you know, tapping your little nephew to get it out of them.
Stay classy.
Keep your life right with Christ.
All right, man.
Here's some costumes I'm looking right now.
This first one is Lucas and Sammy from Ann Arbor, Michigan submitted this one.
And he's dressed up like a cat or something.
And he got to drink with him.
So he's dressed up like a drinking cat.
You know, he's dressed like a, and she's dressed up like a little lady.
She's wearing red stuff.
And he's got blood around his mouth.
So he might have something, hepatitis C or something.
And she might, she looks like a nurse.
She looks like a nurse at a picnic, like a picnic nurse.
And he looks like he got, he's a Hep C cat.
You know, so he's, he's hip.
He looks kind of nice.
So he's hip and he's hep.
So they are a nice group there.
And that's Lucas and Sammy.
And but one of them is a woman, though.
But both of them have men's names.
And that's okay.
Doesn't matter.
All right.
Next up, we got Sean and Sebastian Hornback.
And they dressed up.
I mean, they look like a couple, they got green hair, white faces, white shirt.
Look like a couple of Chernobyl Italians, bruh.
They look like a couple of, you know, a couple waiters at an Italian restaurant that also secretly want to be Irish.
They got green hair and they got lipstick on too.
So they're thinking about doing cross-dressing, obviously, and they might be family.
One of them is real little and looks like he's about seven years old and one of them is bigger and looks like he's about 27. So they're either friends that probably shouldn't hang out because it could be illegal.
I'm just guessing, man, I'm not accusing you guys of anything.
You know, because I've been around people I shouldn't be around.
But if you see their picture, and this is Sean and Sebastian Hornback, and they, I think they dressed up as a couple Chernobyl Italians, but beautiful there.
And then we got this dude, Brent Rice, and he has speckled.
Oh, have you seen that commercial for the candy on the television?
And the people eat the candy and then it's all over their face?
And they got acne?
They got that sugar acne.
And that's what he has.
He's got that face with the sugar acne.
And he looks like he got, maybe he could have been bit by a gay guy or something as well.
Because my cousin last year got bit by a gay guy off Highland.
And everybody knows that.
All right, let's look at another one.
Oh, and that, yeah, that was Brent Rice.
This is David Jones and Rebecca Jones.
Oh, this is, I've seen this before.
He is the man painting.
They have a man on television.
Sometimes when you're, you know, high or not even high, just being alive, and you're flipping through channels of television, they have the, you see that guy on there and he's painting.
And it looks like Mr. Rogers' little brother, you know, he's got big hair.
He's got that fro.
He's that little fro baby.
You know, like he got, like some of his pubis, you know, was in a, like there was a flood and his pubic hair climbed up onto his head in order not to get wet, you know, to take care of its family and everything.
So he looks like he got that flooded body, that pubis up top.
And then his girlfriend is dressed as a painting.
And this man, you've seen him on television, you always have the old-fashioned little paint.
It's like a little cardboard with paint on it.
Little chunks of paint, different colors.
That little, you know, that little Roy Gib handheld piece.
And his wife looks like she has a stream and stuff on her.
And, you know, she's a painting canvas.
And that's nice, David Johns and Rebecca Johns.
Beautiful.
All right, the last one, we got a man in a wheelchair or a fake man in a wheelchair or an actual real man in a wheelchair.
I can't tell.
And another dude, right him, look like he works at Bubba Gum Shrimp Company.
And they got a man here.
He looks like he sells weed or something.
This could be a man or a woman or it could be a child.
This could be a teenager.
And he's in a wheelchair.
He looks like one of those guys that plays basketball on the documentaries.
And he's got long hair, so he might be also a woman.
And he has on, let me see, an American flag or something.
And this dude, man, he looks like he works at Bubba Gump.
He looks like a youth pastor.
You know, he looks like a man.
Obviously, he's with the church.
You know, he's got on white shoes, bright white, too.
Like the kind that you ever meet a dude who, you know, he's like 40, but he still lives with his mom.
And he never moved out and he never really finished.
He don't have any school certificates at the house.
Ya boy.
You know, one of the Lord's, you know, one of God's favorites.
You know what I'm saying?
And he's a beautiful guy.
And he has, and his little buddy is in a little wheel.
It's either a wheelchair or it's just a, it could be like a handicapped wheelchair.
It could just be a regular chair that he put wheels on.
I can't really tell.
But the guy doesn't look like he has legs either.
And no offense to anybody that doesn't have legs.
And I'm making fun of that.
The guy doesn't have legs in this picture.
But they look like they might have met at like a VFW or something or outside of a McDonald's.
And that's Justin Velasquez and his girl.
I'm sorry, I didn't even read that.
It is his girl.
So that's him and his daughter in this picture.
But it's cute, though.
It's cute.
And happy Halloween.
And this is that time of year when you can do whatever you want.
When you could dress up like however, and you can get out into the world and you can live, you can live.
You can live, man.
And that's really the gift, too, is that this time of year, just remind us we get to be alive.
Go walk through a graveyard and see if you don't have some gifts.
You can't be feeling bad about yourself in a graveyard.
Take a test.
Go walk through a graveyard.
If you feel bad about yourself, then that's on you.
Because you got a lot.
You got a lot.
You got a lot of opportunity just with this gift of life.
But I ain't preaching at y'all, man.
I'm just trying to stay in my own head.
We got some great calls about Halloween and some different things.
I want to thank the people that sent the photos in and let me make fun of you guys and roast your costumes and think about you guys.
You know, I like seeing different people, whether it's in interaction, you know, pictures, drawings, you know, little dolls of other people.
I like all of that.
Voodoo dolls.
What else?
Dioramas.
Sometimes you'll do a diorama and have some people in there.
And I like to meet all types of people.
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Okay, I will be in Buffalo this weekend at Helium Comedy Club.
And we got some cool calls and stuff.
I want to get into some of them.
Here we go onward.
Hey, Theo.
Hope you're doing well, man.
This is Noah.
Hey, Noah.
Thank you for calling.
And Noah, that's an ARC name.
So, dude, I cannot, I mean, I'm only going to assume you're a boat captain, bro, because I can't imagine how do you grow up and be a Noah and not drive a boat?
That's like being named Bambi and not, you know, not getting killed in a drive-by.
You know what I'm saying?
Like certain names, the story has been written.
You know, you can't be named Audest Simpson and not, you know, get gruesome over there in Brentwood with your old lady.
I mean, it's certain names you can't do something and not be it.
Like, you can't be named Carl and not end up working over at that sandwich house that they got.
Onward.
I'm calling from Ohio University.
Ohio University, man.
Thank you for calling, sir.
In Athens, Ohio.
And, man, I know you love Halloween, and we happen to have like the biggest block party in the country for Halloween at our school.
And I heard you talking about there's a guy who called in who lost his dad a couple years ago.
Yes, I remember that.
I don't have his name right here in front of me.
Maybe I'll give him a buzz this week.
He did call in.
He called in and lost his dad on Halloween.
And this will be the second anniversary of that onward.
And you gave him the advice to maybe dress up as his dad and go around, you know, maybe visiting some old friends and, you know, just like being his dad for a day, you know.
And I decided I'm going to do that this year as my costume.
My dad was in the drug enforcement agency for 30 years, and he was busting some of the biggest criminals in the country, man.
He worked his ass off.
I lost him a year ago, and I miss him so much.
Oh, I'm sorry for your loss, man.
I bet he's really proud of you, dude.
I can hear in your voice that you sound like a confident guy, you know, when you sound like a guy.
And this is judgment, but you sound like a guy that has his act together.
And I bet your dad always heard that, you know, and I bet he's really, really proud of you, bro.
You know, to have a son that is, you know, you might not be a drug enforcement agent, but you sound like an enforcing type of person, a guy who's, you know, who's moving forward with his life onward.
Some of his old clothes left behind.
I got a DEA eradication team shirt on, a DEA Ohio hat.
I got some aviator sunglasses.
I got some camo pants and some boots.
And man, I didn't know if I'd be able to do it because I thought it'd be like, you know, emotionally difficult for me, but I'm excited, man, because I'm wearing his clothes, you know, and I get to just kind of be him for a day.
I know I'm not being him for a day, but I'm paying respect to my dad and also having a cool ass costume to wear and party in and just have a good time.
Yeah, man, I love that.
Dude, thank you for this call.
You're making me think and you're making me feel as I'm hearing this.
Yeah, you know, as you're saying that, man, you got me excited now.
Because it's like for a night, you get to be your dad.
You know, and you got some of his clothes, man, that's such a nice gift.
You know, we don't think about those types of things.
You know, I never had anything of my father's.
You know, I never had anything of my father's.
You know, his other children, they took everything or whatever.
You know, I don't have anything of his.
But one thing I remember a lot is the smell of his shirts.
You know, because I was just so young around my dad that a lot of the things, I don't have a lot of full memories of us spending time as much as it's like more my senses.
You know, I remember a sound, like he always had his keys and change in his pocket.
And it would always like kind of jingle when he walked.
And he whistled a lot.
He liked to whistle.
Because my dad was born in 1910.
They didn't even have a lot of instruments or even sounds back then.
I mean, if you wanted to hear, you know, different, the sounds they had back then, the wind, cannons, you know, vultures, rumors.
So I hear, you know, so very limited sounds.
So he would whistle because, you know, that when my dad was growing up, whistling was probably one, you know, an Olympic sport.
So he would whistle a lot, and I would remember that.
So it's funny, I have certain senses, but one of them is the smell of his shirts.
You know, my mom and dad didn't sleep in the same room, and my dad would sit up at night sometimes and drink beer.
And I would walk through the living room or walk in there at night, you know, and he would have me come over by him and he would give me a hug and I would smell like his shirt, you know.
And I love that.
Onward.
I just want to say, man, thank you so much for that advice.
I love the podcast.
I love you.
You're amazing.
Thanks, man.
I love you too, bro.
You know?
And even if we are not even gay, we're just buddies.
And that's okay.
Man, that's cool, though, dude.
You're going to be out.
And you know what I love about this, man?
Now you got me thinking, we're doing this.
Now we're doing Halloween.
We're getting Latino, bro.
You know, El Día de los Muertos, they go and honor the dead.
I went last year to, and this is one of the blessings of Los Angeles, is there's a large Mexican contingency here.
In fact, a lot of the history of California is Latino history.
Outside of Hollywood, Hollywood steals a lot of the thunder, but the lightning is Latino here, you know.
And they go to the graveyard.
Some do, and I think it's an older tradition, probably.
And I'll have to ask someone when we have someone on this Mexican.
And they go to the graveyard and spend time with their family, you know, and spend time with their deceased.
So this is really novel, I think, man.
This is interesting to be able to take your dad, put your dad's clothes on and go out and about.
You know, it's funny.
I was thinking about that guy the other day who said who had called about his dad passing away.
And I was like, yeah, maybe if you dressed up as him, you know, if you could get a mask made of your dad, right?
With the eyes so you can see out of it.
And then it might be cool if you could go as your dad, you know, get his clothes, put them on, and then like try and take on his thoughts, you know?
Like what he was thinking about, what he enjoyed.
You know, try to really get into his mindset a little.
You know, maybe walk into the door that he walked into or sit in a chair that he sat in or just think about things.
Actually, more just think about things.
Think about your mother.
But from like his, you know, that this is your wife.
Not in a dirty way.
Don't be thinking dirty things, man.
You know, stay out of that part of your dad's brain.
Those are his thoughts.
Those are just between him and your mom, you creep, you little worm.
Just stay in the other side, the good side, or, you know, the legitimate side.
And think about, just think about what he thought about.
Just, yeah, like to imagine that sitting dressed as your father and looking at people that he cared about.
And what if you looked at a picture of yourself?
That would be pretty wild.
Wouldn't that be cool, man, to dress up like your dad and look at a picture of you?
And then just be able to feel how much love he probably had for you.
You know, imagine looking at a picture of somebody that you care about more than anything and that you would do anything for and that you're so proud of.
And I know that sounds kind of crazy, but I don't think it sounds that crazy.
You know, the Mama Mount Kilimanjaro is inside, bro.
I'm a stalag tight, you know, and I'm trying to get inside.
And I think that would be super, bro.
And there's no way your dad's not going to feel that.
That's Halloween, man.
That's dark art and but boy, you got candles with you.
Gang, gang, man, thank you for that call.
That was a beautiful call.
Making me think about that.
And also just referencing back to the man that called a week or so ago.
All right, let's take another call.
Hey, Theo, what's up?
It's Josh from Buffalo.
Just calling to let you know that we're excited to see the Rat King and the home of the chicken wing this upcoming weekend.
That's true.
This weekend is the king in the wing.
I never thought about that, man.
That's nice of you to reach out in advance of me coming over there.
Moore?
And also wanted to extend the invitation.
You know, me and all my buddies, we're a bunch of musicians.
We're big fans.
We're going to be coming out to the show Friday.
But Thursday, we're playing right down the road at a place called the Tap House.
So if you want to come on out, maybe bring the strap, we'll be there, the whole Curious crew.
If not, we'll see you Friday.
But check us out, man.
Come hang out with the Curious Crew, Tap House on Chippewa.
If not, we'll see you at Helium Saturday, brother.
All right.
We'll see you.
Awesome, man.
And yes, you are only allowed to say we'll see you three times in a call.
I'm just checking with you.
Dude, that's nice of you.
If I have the energy, if I got the vibe Thursday, then I'll get out there.
You know, I'll try to come by and see you.
I don't want to promise you, though.
Will I bring the strap out into an alcoholic environment?
You know, where they got loud instruments and stuff like that?
The strap is that, the strap is young.
The strap, you got to think of the strap.
It's like a nine-month-old, man.
That thing is just sleeping through the night.
So I don't know if I'm bringing that.
You know, sometimes you got to keep the nice shit at home.
Sometimes even an oyster, man, it hides its pearl when it goes out on the town.
And it comes back and picked that bitch up later.
But we'll see, man.
And thank you for the call.
And no matter what, I'll see you guys on Friday.
And I'll try to come through on Thursday, but no guarantees.
But I do appreciate the invite.
100%.
That's nice of you to welcome me into town.
A lot of beautiful people up there in upstate New York.
Great place to get tetanus shots.
And what else?
Oh, neck tattoos, baby.
Gang, gang.
Rochester till I die.
Son, Brother Weez.
Let's take another call right here.
Hey, Theo.
So I'm calling to tell you about my nine-year-old nephew.
Okay, you got a nine-year-old nephew.
So do I. So game on.
I know you have nieces around the same age.
I saw your one video, but this kid had the worst start to his Halloween weekend.
So yesterday, Friday, I don't even know what the fuck date it is, to be honest with you, he had a double-hitter pet death.
His elderly chihuahua, sweet pee, had to get put down because she was sick.
Okay, you got a nine-year-old with a chihuahua, though.
That's, is that legal?
You know, what kind of nine-year-old you got him with a chihuahua.
That's the part that's kind of got me a little bit nervous for him.
That's a frenetic animal.
Chihuahuas get scared.
They're doorbell activists.
You hit that doorbell, those motherfuckers go for 90 minutes.
You know, it's like watching a fucking loud movie and you can't get the volume to turn off.
But with that said, rest in peace to that little animal.
You know, with Chihuahuas, sometimes it's just a fucking, it's like a spicy slipper.
You know, they're crazy.
They're wild.
You know, every year there's probably, there's like, I heard a, or read an article or heard an article that there's like two, three hundred chihuahuas that die just from, you know, just basic shit around the house.
A book falls off a shelf and, you know, takes its back out.
But let's hear more.
And then out of the blue, his guinea pig named Nugget got really sick too and had to get put down on the same damn day.
Ooh.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I'm sorry your son lost two animals, little Chihuahua, which sounds, I don't know.
The Chihuahua didn't even have a name.
That sounds to me like I'm not sure if that's realistic.
That could be your animal.
But Lil Nugget, that's another story.
You know, and I'll say this for Lil Nugget, man.
I'll do a little prayer for Nugget right now.
Because you know that G-Pigs have a strong place in my heart.
G-Pigs, gerbils, you know, short rats, all of those animals.
You know, Nugget, you know, you weren't meant for this world, little nugget.
And God wants you somewhere else.
Maybe he wants you out there in Asia or, you know, in, you know, Vietnam or something like that or in the future.
But God didn't need you right here anymore, little nugget.
And so this your time.
This is your time to get out there and just, you know, chew away at the cheese of reincarnation, bruh.
And maybe you'll come back as a tall, tall, beautiful nug.
Not even a nugget, more like a chunk in another time or another sphere.
And we wish you well, young buck.
And I hope that wherever you show up in the world, bruh, that they got mad hoes for you, my man.
All right?
And big hearts as well.
Gang, gang, bro.
I Love you.
But that is a worse weekend for a nine-year-old.
So I had to leave work, Early, go take this guinea pig to get put down.
Well, his mom went to go get the Chihuahua put down.
And he cried all last night about it.
And he also has two other dogs that died this year.
Oh, come on, lady.
Look.
What's going on here?
He's got two other dogs.
What kind of, you know, what kind of chop house are you running over there?
You know, I'm not accusing you guys of anything, but it sounds like you're picking sick animals and then shoveling them off on little Randall or whatever your son's name is.
I mean, what's going on?
What kind of, you know, what kind of halfway house for the halfway living are you running over there?
You got animals popping through there.
You got little gerbils with spinal bifida and all of that popping through.
You know, you got, you know, you buy, next thing you know, you got them a rabbit that has Hep C. Or you got, you know, you get them a little seahorse with AIDS or something, you know, and I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be crude to you, but this seems wild, doesn't it?
That you keep bringing these animals around your boy and they keep perishing.
And now, you know, he's nine years old.
What's next for him?
The dude's lost fucking 30 animals.
It's like, you know, it's like not Noah's Ark, but like, you know, little Randall's shitty raft.
And all the animals that get on, they drown out because the raft got bad ballasts on it.
So I'm not accusing you or anything, but I will say this.
It's Halloween time, so this is a great time.
You know, take your son out maybe and let him visit the spirits of the animals.
Maybe get your boy out there, put a diaper on him or something.
I don't know how old, you know, if I don't know if people are doing diapers at nine years old.
If they are, get him one of those lean diapers so the other kids don't see it.
So they're not laughing at him and stuff.
Get him a regular, you know, a tight diaper, one of those lean ones.
And get your boy out there and maybe, you know, draw pictures of the animals on his body.
Do some smoke or some sage or something.
You know, maybe have one of the neighbors light a pagan or something in the distance, you know, upwind of you.
And y'all catch those vibes, bro.
And let him visit those animals that you guys are, you know, that little portal that you guys have created over there into the nether sphere.
And I'm not trying to be rude, but, you know, I love you and I love your son.
And I hope whenever he's, you know, I hope, you know, he doesn't lose another 60 animals by the time he's, you know, 18 years old.
But at this rate, mama, you got to get a stethoscope or something at the house and start checking these fucking primates that are passing through.
Because the animals that are, you know, this is a one-way ticket to the cemetery when they get picked up by y'all, it seems like.
But with that said, you know, I love you and gang, gang, and I hope to see you soon in the future sometime.
Let's take another call.
And that is the worst weekend.
That is the worst weekend.
And we'll put that into the contest.
Yeah, dude, you know, at this rate, that guy's going to have, Jesus, that guy's going to be living in some kind of dang.
I can't even imagine.
Pray for that kid, Lil Randall.
Y'all put Lil Randall on your prayer list.
Onward, take another call.
Hey, Theo.
My name is Jack.
I'm a big fan of the podcast.
Thanks for calling, Jack, and thanks for your fanship.
And my problem is just with my, some would say, extracurricular life with the ladies.
And so I've had a girlfriend for a little bit now.
And I'm 18, so you know, we're kind of getting frisky.
Oh, yeah, at 18, you can do adult sex.
And that's normal and natural, man.
And that's scientific.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Erection city, bruh.
You know?
Like running around with a bag of clubs, dog.
You got that pitching wedge, that sand wedge, bruh.
You got just got that regular dance.
You got it all at that age, man.
Beautiful, Homer.
And we have sex, but I feel like I jerk off so much.
You feel like it or you know you do, Homer?
I feel like this has been a problem since I was younger.
I've just jerked off so much.
Yes, I hear you.
Or paddle the penguin news, some would say.
Paddle the penguin?
I've never heard of that, bruh.
Unless you're blowing them ice-cold splotches, you know, more.
But I feel like it's desensitizing, like, mid-sex.
I'll just, like, go soft, and I won't be able to get it back up.
And it's, like, embarrassing, and I'll like make an excuse.
I'll say I'm tired or something.
Yeah, you're tired from what, though, at 18?
This is it, man.
Tired from you working in a coal mine or something?
You can't be tired at 18. You got to have that virality, bro.
You got to have that electric dick.
That's what they're expecting anyway.
But I appreciate you for sharing this, man.
Let's hear more.
So you're feeling kind of some desensitization, it seems like, down there.
Your nerves aren't really all keyed out.
But it's just, I don't know what to do.
I've tried to stop, but it's just like, it keeps, I keep on crawling back to just late at night when I'm all by myself.
I just feed the geese, you know.
Feed the geese.
Never heard that.
Dude, let me, and I'll say this.
I don't know if you've ever fed a goose, brother, violent animals.
You try to put your wiener out near a geet, I guess.
One geet, one geese.
That thing will, dude, that thing will give you a very fast, sharp blowjob.
And that's very, very dangerous, dude.
Do not do something like that.
So I can't really tell what you're trying to get into here or what, but if you're masturbating too much, yeah, you're going to be desensitized.
You know what I'm saying?
You can't, if you beat a guitar against the wall all day, then it's not going to be super well tuned.
It's not going to be tuned to make real music because you've been out there bashing it for no reason.
So respect the music of it.
You know, a real man, you know, you might even want to get a little case for your dick.
It just, you know, goes on the front of your dick and you open it up and it's like got that kind of blue felt in there, like a saxophone.
Remember that in grade school, somebody would open that case and it had the blue felt in there with the sax in there, a little horn or something, a little trumpet, a little stillwell with his, you know, little metal hitter in there.
Yeah.
Maybe put that around your junk.
That way you're going to treat it like it's something special.
Because you out there beating your crotch against the wall for no reason and then expecting it to Mozart in the bedroom.
But you out there machine gun Kelly in it all afternoon.
It's not real life, bud.
But yeah, if you do have a real problem with it, get a hold of it now, man, by not getting a hold of it.
You know what I'm saying?
Be good to yourself, dude, and stay out the freaking park, bruh.
Geese, man.
Feed.
What is going on, dude?
This is Halloween.
What am I thinking, man?
Am I taking all this serious and you guys are all messing with me today?
The hotline, as always, is 985-664-9503.
That is the hotline.
You can always call it.
And it'll always be here for you.
And also, if you're a young man that's struggling with something that lives in the Los Angeles area, hit us up, 985-664-9503.
You know, we're trying to solve some of these problems or some issues that men are struggling with in real time.
And it can be, you know, something real, something that's going on.
You know, I don't want you to be afraid to reach out here that this isn't a safe space.
And you can say on the message, look, you know, just let us know what's up.
And maybe I haven't been bringing enough of my problems into the show.
You know, maybe I've been holding back.
I think I want to think about that over the next week, you know.
It's Halloween, man.
What skeletons are in your closet?
You know, is that bone marrow?
Are you just happy to see me?
Let me tell you this right here.
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The Saints and Vikings are playing tonight and I recorded it.
So I'm here working doing this doing this instead.
And you know what?
I didn't even think twice about it.
I'm just happy to be here.
You know, I've been feeling like emotionally exhausted.
Like I've been having a tough time kind of getting in touch with my own emotions.
So I'm going to try to think of some, not think of some ways, but I need to take some actions to make myself just feel a little bit more connected.
You know, I think just life getting busier, work getting busier.
But I don't want to ever get too busy that I can't be a part of this podcast in an effective, in the most effective way.
So I just want to let you guys know that that's part of my life right now.
And I'm so glad that God is, you know, or their higher powers or whatever time, the clock, you know, Mother Nature has given us what's going on, you know, the time of year right now because this is a great time of year to bring people together.
It really, really is.
All right.
What else?
Here we go.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
This is Adam Collins from West by God, Virginia.
West by God, Virginia.
And West Virginia is one of the two Virginias.
And I think you guys should fight it out, bruh.
Twins, come on, shut it down.
One of you guys.
That's what we need.
Onward, brother.
Thanks for calling.
I was just calling to save house, listen to your Keep That K podcast, and whenever you came on there.
And that means the Fighter and the Kid podcast.
I was on there the other day.
I think I know what you're talking about.
Let's hear more.
On Rapid Port in full Ric Flair-esque meets Rock and Roll Express fucking with the belt.
I just picture you coming up with it with Big Brown texting you and letting you know that Rapid Port's talking Smack and coming hard on you and then I picture you maybe looking at the belt for inspiration and perhaps reaching to your roots where tears come from, both tears of joy and tears of despair.
Hell yeah, man.
You're right in tune, brother.
And just pulling out that reflector and Rock and Roll Express, me Macho Man, fucking just breaking it out on him and coming in there hard.
I came in there hard, boy.
The Rat King.
But you still have to deal with.
I have to spend whatever it takes online for me to help and promote you to win the fucking belt back.
I mean, not back, but defend the belt.
And that's what we'll do.
Votes don't lie.
Votes don't lie.
Yeah, that was the craziest thing when I went in there.
So, yeah, I was sitting in here in my studio, and I was waiting for Uriah Faber to come in.
And he's an accomplished and beautiful young fighter.
And he's a fight boy, and he's a fistie boy.
And he's a great, you know, talented.
I mean, and this guy, you shake his hand and weighs like 40 pounds.
That man is a, he's dense and he's talented.
And I'm waiting for him to come in, and I hear this yapping going on through the wall, like a chihuahua, you know, like a chihuahua that somebody gave to an eight-year-old.
And I hear that yapping.
And then I'm texting over there.
I text Brandon Showers.
I said, who do you guys have in studio?
And he's like, Michael Ratport.
And then I listen closer, and they're talking about me.
And that's when the king, the rat king, just comes out of me.
And it's just, you know, it is.
It's all the things that it was just all the things, all the people that told me I can't.
You know, and it's all the people that, you know, that cry about the voting and the people that can be sore losers.
You know, and the people that they don't want to understand other people's lives.
They don't even want to try to put themselves in other people's shoes.
And that's the rat king.
It's that forgotten character that crawls up out of the sewers and says, hey, we all deserve a crown.
You know, we all have something inside of us that is worry, that is worthy of some type of royalty or the feeling, at least once in a while, to feel like being a king.
Because there's a lot of us out there that have nothing.
You know, they don't have any cheese, baby.
But I'll tell you this, man, we'll come to the surface time and time again when we smell something stinking.
And that's what I smelled there when Michael Rappaport calling me out.
And so I looked at that belt and next thing you know, son, I swear to God, I blinked and I was in my, I was, I was in my sunglasses and I was ratting.
I was ratting down the hall and I rolled right in there.
Because if you want to talk behind my back, then I'm about to spin my spine around, Daddy.
And now we're face to face.
But thank you for calling in and checking in about that, man.
And that's what that rat is, the eternal underdog.
And that's what I feel sometimes like this podcast is, man.
You know, we all just want to be okay.
And we all just want to be good people.
You know, and we all just want to love somebody and be loved.
And I think we're in this world right now.
We're going through a time.
There's so many transitions going on in the history of humanity right now.
And we're a young species, human beings, you know, 2,000 years.
And we're only, you know, or however many thousand, you know, I'm just going off of, you know, zero if it's 1997 or whatever it is right now.
But, you know, there's a lot of transitions going on of, you know, people learning how what our emotions are and what our feelings are and, you know, getting addicted to technology.
And, you know, it's a wild time.
It is a wild time.
But some of us out there, we want to, we're still fighting.
We're still fighting and learning at the same time.
And that's the hard thing to do, I feel like, for myself.
You know, I want to take action and I want to, but I'm also, you know, a lot of times I live in fear of being able to say what I really think sometimes.
And some of it is just because I don't feel smart enough.
I don't feel like I have enough knowledge.
So I don't know.
When you don't have the brain, sometimes you got to let your heart be your brain and just talk from there.
And that's what we do here, man.
With them underdog A orders, baby.
We're a curious crew.
Let's take another call.
Here we go.
Hey, Ceo.
My name's Pat.
I'm from Augusta, Maine.
Hey, Pat.
Thank you for calling from Augusta, Maine.
You know, you have a beautiful state up there.
You guys are often, I feel like you guys are lucky in a way.
You kind of get to, you're like the appendix of America.
You're there and you are, you know, you're constantly, you're always around.
Every now and then you flare up and raise hell.
But you also don't have to be constantly affected by the daily stuff.
I bet there's a lot of blessings to that.
I've spent some time up there on Islesborough Island out there eating lemon ices and being natural out there.
Let's hear more.
I've lived here my whole life.
I'm half Viet Kong and half American.
My parents met during the war.
Oh, wow.
That's beautiful, man.
Dude, you know what has got to be wild for you then?
And this is just me.
I don't know if it's judgment or just guess.
I don't know what this is, but man, that you're a product of a war.
You know?
Half Viet Cong or half Vietnamese and half American.
Yeah, man.
Think about that.
That there's a war going on.
And babies, and a baby was made.
That's, I mean, as beautiful, as sad as that is and as wild of a circle that is, that it's beautiful.
You know, babies are often the healing Thing of a lot of different things.
You know, someone has a family and a baby, and next thing you know, the families all come together, and they all have one thing that they all love immediately in common.
And that's what it's about.
And when you see that with different races, you see a child that's black and white, you're like, oh, well, then you know that the family, they both love that child.
They both love that child.
And that's, I think, where all of it gets healed.
A lot of things take time.
And a lot of issues in America, some of them just take time.
The news wants to act like we're supposed to have everything fixed in a fucking day or a month.
But the news also doesn't even give a fuck.
And they don't do anything to help.
They just do stuff to hurt.
But when you see a child that is two different ethnicities, two different cultures, you're like, oh, that's the solution.
That's the solution.
And it really is.
Because then you know that there's two different cultures both loving the same thing as much as they can.
And that's the solution, man, is finding an equal point of love.
That's really what does bond, I think, people.
Anyway, I didn't mean to make this about my thoughts.
Let's hear more.
But anyway, my wife of 12 years died tragically last month.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm sorry, bud.
Let's hear more.
I never thought, you know, I'll never be the same again.
I never thought I'd be able to smile again.
But I asked my friend Chris at work what he listened to all day, and he told me, see you along, and I love your podcast.
You're the only reason I've smiled since my wife's death.
I just wanted to say thank you.
This is a never-ending struggle, but you're the only thing helping me through it.
And I love you, man.
Keep doing what you're doing, and thank you.
Oh, thanks, dude.
That's sweet of you to say.
That's very nice of you to say that.
Yeah, I bet your wife was a lucky guy.
Oh, sorry.
I bet your wife was a lucky lady.
Man, I don't know what to say except thank you.
You know, it's kind of weird.
Like, I don't know.
Sometimes it's like more about listening.
So I wish I could hear more about your wife.
You know, I wish I could hear more about like, you know, maybe ways that you guys like to laugh or, you know, if you guys like to snuggle up at night, like how you like to hug each other or, you know,
maybe if y'all like, you know, if you like to watch the same program or if you, you know, I'm sure you probably know like what, how she likes her coffee or how she likes, you know, if you get to the restaurant early, what to order for her, you know?
I bet there's a lot of nice little moments and things that you guys have that are special.
Um...
Yeah, and I bet it's been a real scary new journey for you.
And I just hope that you find a lot of peace.
And in that peace, I hope you find a lot of beautiful memories and thoughts and even living memories.
You know, memories that are so alive that they're memories, but they're tapping you on the shoulder all the time.
They're kind of hanging on your back like a backpack.
And I hope you find a lot of those too to keep you comfortable.
Thanks for calling, man.
Happy Halloween.
And maybe your wife will stop by and visit.
I know maybe that's, I hope that's not like a morbid thought and I don't mean it like that, but it's a magical time of year.
You know, and I bet she's probably thinking about you too.
But I'm glad that I could help bring a smile at some point.
You know, and I feel a lot of, I think some of like what I'm feeling even in my own life is just, you know, I just want to be like of service.
You know, I just want to be able to, you know, I just want to be able to like.
I don't know.
It's like, you know, it's like, you know, I grew up and I didn't have anything and then now like I have some stuff and it's like, I don't know.
Still, the only thing I want to do is just feel okay.
You know, the only thing that I want to do is like, I don't know.
I just want to be associated with stuff that helps out.
So, and I bet your wife also is probably going to really try and inspire you to do some neat things in the future.
You know, she's going to find a lot of neat ways probably to live through you.
And that can be a beautiful relationship, I bet.
You know, but I'm sure she's loving you wherever she is right now, man.
And I believe that you're going to see her again, you know, in a really, really neat or special place or realm.
And y'all might be foxes in the next life.
What about that, boy?
And what if maybe I'm in a little canoe and I come down the river and I see two foxes getting kind of foxy over there on the rocks?
And I'm like, dang, them some rocks foxes over there.
So you never know, man.
Be ready.
You might want to start learning how to be, you know, dress up like a fox at the house or, you know, learn how to run around on all fours.
Because, man, your lady's going to be looking to be frisky, too, if she's ready to see you in that next realm.
But I love you, man.
Happy Halloween to you.
Let's take another call.
Hey, Theo.
My name's Elisa.
I'm 23 from Chicago.
I've been listening to your podcast now for like six months, and I love it.
Thanks, Alicia.
And I love Chicago.
You know, I love Illinois.
Onward.
So cathartic and so funny.
I just had a question.
I guess it's like guy advice, dating advice.
Just because I'm seeing this guy right now, he's 28, and he kind of seems like he has maybe like a similar upbringing as you, in the sense that he didn't have his dad around, and his relationship with his mom was tumultuous, to say the least.
And I noticed that as we're dating, like, he there's days where he's just not talking to me as much, and like he seems so great the majority of the time.
But he also seems like he's having issues, like, connecting with me and being consistent.
And so I don't, I mean, he seems like he's interested in me, but at the same time, I'm not sure.
Do you think that this is something I should bring up to him?
Do you think I should just give him his space, stop talking to him?
What was he like with women when you were 28?
And do you think that if he's not being super consistent with me with his communication, that I should just kind of like stop talking to him?
Or do you think that I should bring that up to him?
Thank you for the question.
Thanks for calling.
I think I can relate to this.
Some stuff I can't relate to.
You know, I think you have to decide what you want for you.
You know, if you're happy with the points that, you know, that it's just kind of a fun, you know, if you're happy that it's just a fun time, you guys can enjoy each other's company.
And when you guys are connected, that it's great, then you just can rock that.
And you guys can enjoy that together.
If you're looking for something further, you know, like more of a, you know, marital type of adventure or do like a honeymoon or something, you know, or, you know, do marriage or something where you're together all the time and you got to fight and stuff and also be in love, then you might want to investigate what's going on a little bit further.
I think trying to be understanding is a good way to come at it because no matter what's going on, he has an issue.
And it probably, you know, or he, there's some, whatever, there's some behavior he does that doesn't settle, it doesn't, you know, that boat doesn't dock correctly with you.
So you're like, okay, well, he's connected for a while and then he's kind of, you know, maybe MIA or a little disconnected.
Yeah, I can feel that 100%.
I mean, I'm so scared of that.
Like, I just, and I'm scared of it.
People are like, well, you should just try.
You got to give it a shot.
I feel you.
But I mean, there's like a thing in my bones and my body that is just like, I mean, that just, I turn into a Sasquatch when I think about being really connected.
Where my, I mean, every part of my being just runs, you know, like, and I'm not even running.
It's just running at its own pace at its own will in the opposite direction.
But I say this, that I think just talking to him about it and don't accuse him.
Try and understand it from his perspective because here's what's going on with him is this, and it's something I'm still learning all the time.
Like, yeah, I'm thinking, okay, well, here you got this man, you got this tender guy, and he's being sweet, and then sometimes he's being, you know, missing in action.
You know, he's like a prisoner of warriors.
But what's up with him?
So for him, he's connected and then he's not.
So he's pulling back a little bit.
Well, there must be some reason.
Maybe he doesn't want a full connection.
I think yeah, I would ask him.
Say, sometimes I noticed this.
I'm fine with it.
Do you want to talk about it?
And leave it there.
Let him, you know, meet him halfway.
And just try to be loving towards him.
You know, you can be loving towards him and then also decide whether or not the relationship is for you.
You know?
And that's something that's missing a lot of times in this world.
And I'm not saying it's missing with you.
You sound like you really care because you're actually calling or thinking about it.
But sometimes connectivity is really hard for people and commitment is hard.
And I don't know.
And then at that point, yeah, you'll just have to maybe give it a chance.
See what he says and go from there.
But just you can love yourself and respect yourself and the choice that you're going to make.
And then at the same time, you can also lovingly approach him with seeing what's going on with him.
But I appreciate the call.
I don't know if that was helpful or not, but that's what I said.
You know, that's all I have to say because I'm ready for some candy soon because it's Halloween.
Okay, let's take another call.
Hey, CO, this is Michael from Iowa.
Hey, Michael.
The Shire of the United States, Kangang.
I got a little dark artistry question for you.
27, Father 4, and my wife is a little bit of a hippie, and she wanted to try the placenta on the second one.
So we kept the placenta on the second one, brought it home, and we had a nice blender.
We had a Vitamix.
You still have it.
Dang.
Dang, dude.
You drilling up baby parts and stuff for what?
What are y'all going to do?
Make a moisturizer or something?
Is this for what?
What is it?
Onward?
Go ground that up, poured it out in ice cubes.
You got those stem cell hitters, dog.
You got placenta ice cubes?
Oh, my God.
This is so slithering, bro.
This ain't no Hufflepuff cake right here, more.
And swap those things in this movie every day.
I tried a couple, and I don't know.
It was, you know, felt weird.
But the questions are, three-parter.
Number one, does that make us cannibals?
Okay, is it cannibals if you're eating part of your own children placenta?
I think it's how much you have.
You know, people have called it before about, you know, a lot of young guys, when they're 14 or whatever, they bust a, you know, they bust a nudie out and they have a, you know, and I'll be honest, and it's very growing up style.
They have a little dab of it on their tongue or they put a little in the back of their mouth, you know, get a little what's, you know.
And that's doing, that's called full circle when you're eating your own, you know, you know, even not eating, but when you're having even just a little dab of your own yogurt.
So if you're eating placenta fucking ice pops at the house with your lady, dog, dude, y'all about to end up on the episode of Snapped.
What are the rest of the questions?
Have you tried placenta?
I've never had any Santa, bruh.
I don't do that, that baby wrapping paper, bro.
That's dude, that's the Lord's to-go box, man.
And I'm not dealing with all that.
That's, you know, that's something special.
That's that ninth layer of skin, bruh.
That's something different, man.
I ain't making you guys, next thing you know, you sitting at the house making wallets out of that shit and stuff.
You got, this is the dark arts.
This is the dark arts, man.
Christ.
More?
And number three, I saved the fourth one's placenta, not to eat, just to fuck around with.
And I would like, maybe, I don't know, some input on what to do with it.
It's like nine months old, sitting in the freezer.
So, yeah, I don't know.
Yeah, dude.
I don't know either.
Don't call me when you guys are hiding body parts.
This ain't that kind of place.
You know, a lot of calls today.
People have been sending in all kinds of stuff.
A lot of calls today with people, you know, running, you know, dying animals and they're blaming it on a nine-year-old.
And then you got this guy, him and his wife's making freaking, you know, baby wrapping paper smoothies out here and drinking, you know, you know, doing suppositories of baby snot and all of that and hiding stem cells in their back door and their booties and all.
What is going on?
Dude, this is not...
I mean, I've tried some stuff.
You know, my boy Duncan just sent me a bunch of elk, five-pound bucket of elk, but I've never done anything like that.
You know, I've never put any freaking BP butter, that babysit of butter, that Placeesi.
I don't know.
Jesus Christ.
I don't know what else to say, man.
All right, let's take a video call here that came in.
You can send in video calls through the website theovon.com.
On the podcast link there, there are directions how to submit a video.
Onward.
Hey, Theo, this is Grant from Portland, Oregon.
Hey, Grant, what's up, man?
Thank you for calling, my friend.
Looking for some advice.
I'm a foreman at a paving company, and I just started my own paving company.
And a lot of the guys that I work with have seen me at the first paving company.
And I was a shoveler and a laborer.
I did a lot of hard work, but it came to a point where somebody would say, I don't want to do that.
And I would say, I want to do that.
And I'd move up.
I'd learn new things.
And now I'm a foreman.
And a lot of these guys have been there longer than me.
So they don't really respect me.
And they don't really listen to what I say.
And I'm just wondering if you've come up with a way to earn somebody's respect.
I mean, I work like crazy.
I bust my ass and I'm dirty all the time.
And I practically have no life.
And I don't really want to do that.
And I also just don't want to be a dick to these guys.
I was just wondering if you had any advice.
Gang gang.
Gang gang, Grant.
Thank you for calling, man.
Just listen to you.
Here's what I would say.
Just keep showing up.
Keep showing up.
Keep showing up.
You know, I got in the comment years.
People are like, oh, this guy can't do it.
He's from this side.
You know, he's from this background.
He's from this.
He's from that.
He can't do this job.
You know what?
I keep showing up.
I show up when they, you know, when I got to go, it cost me $500 to fly out to Toledo, and I go show up.
And I go to the next club and I go show up.
And for 14 years, I just go, I show up.
I show up.
I show up and I do my job.
And I don't be mean to others.
And, you know, I pray for my enemies.
And I just try and stay, you know, and just control what I can control.
And you're going to have to work hard, man.
You're going to have to work hard.
Because it's not even that you're proving them wrong.
It's what you're doing, really.
You're proving you right.
And that's a way to look at it.
This has nothing to do with them.
This just has to do with you because you can't control what they think or do or anything like that.
All you can control is you, man.
And you show up and you do it.
And you don't have to work with the same guys.
Look, man, people are always, you'll find somebody else looking for work.
You can get guys that will listen to you.
And, you know, but you're going to have to show up and you're going to have to work hard.
That's what you're going to have to do.
And eventually people will just see you that way.
And the reason they'll see you that way is because that's who you'll be.
You know, eventually you just become what you've been doing.
Whatever it is.
If you haven't been, you know, you're becoming a foreman.
You're becoming a dancer.
You're becoming someone who, you know, does magic.
Dude, for 10 years, the first 10 years of doing magic, people think you're just some fucking crazy person who accidentally suffocated, you know, a few rabbits in a hat.
But then, but damn, boy, you fucking Larry Siegfried and, you know, Jeremy Davenport or whatever those guys are from Las Vegas, those magical guys.
So it's just, you know, you just, but they had to show up and do it.
You know, a tiger bit one of those guys.
But he fucking, now he does, he does magic.
He doesn't even have a face.
But he had done the magic so long he can still do the magic without a face, man.
And that's baffling.
And that's just consistency.
You just keep doing it.
And you show up and you'll be what you're working towards.
And you can do it, man.
I think you got it in you.
And it's not, and if something gets a little testy, just say what you mean, but don't say it mean.
That's what my brother always says to his children.
Say what you mean, but don't say it mean.
If they want to judge or whatever, that's fine.
Say, look, I'm just trying my best.
You know?
And every now and then, ask them for suggestions.
Make them feel a part of.
You know, just because you have a position that's higher than somebody doesn't mean that you, as a person, are, or that you, as somebody that can't be understanding to them, or that can't include them.
You know, sometimes I'll know something or think I will, and I'll just ask somebody else anyway.
Because then, if they get to feel like they're helping me out, then it makes them feel good.
I think you're going to manage it just fine, man.
Just be confident in yourself and show up.
You can do it, bro.
A foreman, man, congratulations, man.
I applaud that.
You know, my brother one day was cutting down trees and he's climbing up there with a damn chainsaw, dude.
And we don't have real strong legs, so we could barely even hold on to a tree.
You know, we could barely even just barely hold on to a tree.
If a little bit of wind blew, we would fall right off.
We're very weak inner thigh muscles, like just like violin strings, man.
Like just fucking E-flats.
And one day he's like, dude, he cut into a tree and it was full of bees.
And next thing you know, he's running into people's houses and they think he's a burglar and he's not.
He's just a shitty chainsaw man running from bees.
But that day he decided, you know what, I don't need to be the guy with the chainsaw.
I'm able to be the guy down at the bottom directing the guy with the chainsaw.
And fast forward eight years, my brother runs an amazing, you know, he's an arborist now, and he runs an amazing tree company.
And it's just because he decided for himself that one day he was going to be, that he wasn't something, that he outgrew whatever it was, or that he wanted something else.
And at first, people said, I'm sure this man, he's just a chainsaw man that bothers bees.
But eventually they'll see you different.
And if you just show up and be different.
But anyway, sorry, I just wanted to think about my brother for a second.
So that's why I told you that one.
We'll take this last call, man, and then we're going to get out of here.
I know this has been a long episode, and that's Halloween, man.
And that's what happens on the holidays.
We got to enjoy them and stay up late with each other and do scary stuff.
Heyo, this is Jeff over in Detroit, man.
What's up, Jeff in Detroit?
Thank you for calling, sir.
Wanna call in, bro.
Got some of the dark arts coming up.
Got my old man.
He's got that sickness.
Oh, wow.
Got that cancer in the lungs.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry to hear that.
He got that cancer, bro.
And, you know, shit, man.
Torn up, man.
I mean, old man, he wasn't the greatest.
You know, he had to drink in, had to shit.
By the time I was a teenager, you know, I had my own.
But he's coming back to me.
Wants to reconnect.
Wants to be real now.
Torn, homie.
Don't know what to do.
Don't know how to think.
Ain't got that hate in my heart no more for him, but don't know if he deserves that forgiveness.
Just because you're sick.
Hey, don't make all the past go away.
Don't make nothing go away.
I don't know, man.
Just sending my thoughts out there to the world.
You and your people.
They all good people.
See what you think.
Gang, man.
Thank you for your call.
Wow, that's a lot.
You know, that's a lot.
And that's what life is about, man, is feeling things.
And you're right there.
You know, you have a father.
He wasn't a big part of your life.
And now he has terminal cancer.
And now he's coming back to you and wants to connect.
You know, I realize in my own life that...
Well, look, I won't even make this about me, man.
You know, you have...
They're just not capable.
And now you suffer that.
And in some ways, he probably suffered it too.
You know?
I find it hard to believe that there's not a deadbeat dad out there who doesn't think of their son when they fall asleep at night, even if they haven't seen him in a long time.
And even though, you know, like, you know, he wasn't the best father, you could still be a good son.
And that can be in whatever, yeah.
You know, you don't have to make up feelings of love for him, but you can still be a loving human.
You know, you can still be a good son.
And that defines a lot about you.
You know, because his definition of where of you, you know, he wrote a lot of his definition of you guys.
But you haven't finished writing your definition of you guys.
And I think to be able to say, you know, to yourself years from now that you were a good son, you know, that you loved your father even when he wasn't capable of loving you.
You know, he's the one who's sick now.
He's the one who maybe needs some help.
He's the one who's struggling.
You're kind of the father right now.
You know?
And it's a big sacrifice because there will be needs that are deep inside of you.
You'll never get met.
You'll never get them met.
You know, but to set that to the side for now and try and be loving and just, you know.
I think even just making any effort is huge by you.
Because you have a chance to decide what kind of son you want to be, you know?
And even if you don't, and if you decide not to do anything, then you can still do that too.
You know, and you, there's no, there's no loss here.
There's no loss.
But I'd hate for you to look back on this in the future and wish that you had done it differently.
You know, 'cause it takes a lot to love somebody that didn't that wronged you or that didn't, you know, that you feel like didn't love you or couldn't express love to you.
It takes a lot, man.
But man, that's powerful.
That's powerful.
And you have the ability to change his heart, I think.
Because if you show him how much, how loving you can be, he's going to realize that there's only one place that he could have, that you could have gotten that ability to love from.
And that's from him.
And from your mother, because you're them.
And man, that's going to be powerful.
When that resonates in his heart, that he's able to create something that could love that much.
It's going to make him realize that he could have loved that much, you know?
And maybe that'll be the little, the unlocking of the chasm that shows him that he can, you know.
But I'm sorry to hear that about your father.
And I wish you love and luck, bruh.
Onward, man.
In some way, shape, or form, we got to move onward.
It's that time of year, you know.
You can take something that's been haunting you for a while and you can put a new light in it.
You can put a new little light in it.
And you can start a new adventure with an old pumpkin.
Anything can happen, man.
It's that time of year.
Keep your chakras open.
You can do it.
Be good to yourself.
You probably deserve it, man.
I'm going to take us out here with the song that brought us in Vampires Suck by John Bjork.
Happy Halloween, man.
I love you guys.
gang.
*music*
*music* you you
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
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