Sitting down with Uncle Joey. This episode brought to you by: Acteon http://www.getacteon.com Use code THEO50 for 50% off all towels Layered http://www.layeredusa.com Use code THEO for 10% off Hood Hat http://www.hoodhat.com Use code HOODUSA for 20% off Lakeside Maple http://www.lakesidemaple.com Use code THEO for 15% off Submit a video question on LiveRaise’s Fan Line: http://bit.ly/Theo_FanLine Dates September 14-15 Zanies Nashville, TN October 18-20 Skyline Comedy Club Appleton, WI November 1-3 Helium Comedy Club Buffalo, NY November 9-10 Wise Guys Salt Lake City, UT Nov 30 & Dec 1 Comedy Loft Washington DC Dr. StrangeGunt Patreon Gunt Squad: Alaskan Rock Vodka Renee Nicol Angelo Raygun Matthew Snow Ryan Sweatman The Asian Hamster Megan Andersen-Hall Stephanie Claire Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Travis Vowell J.T. Hosack Austin Kehler Addison Ardolino thatdudewiththepaperbag Meghan LaCasse Nyx Ballaine Alta Jacob Rice Jonny Zaz Mark Bentley Kiera Parr James Hunter Jerry Zhang Gabriel Almeda Ryan Crafts Amanda Sherman Brett Jones justin marcoux Christopher Stath Bryan Reinholdt Niko Ferrandino Paddy jay Thee shitfaced chef Paul Flores Tommy Redditt Casey Rudesill Gunt Squad Gary Joey Desrosiers Cody Kenyon Kirk Cahill Philip James Michael E. Ganzermiller Scott Owen Lide Mitchell Watson Matthew Azzam Justin L Jeremy West Kenton call Steve Corlew Nick Butcher Megan Daily Ken Melvin Old McTronald Matt Kaman Tom Kostya Mike Vo Micky Maddux Sam Illgen Ben Limes Stepfan Jefferies David Smith Logan Yakemchuk Aidan Duffy MEDICATED VETERAN Dan Ray Audrey Harlan kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Ben Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Stacy Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Alex Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Calvin Doyle Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matt Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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What's up, guys?
Before I say today's guest, I want to let you know I'll be performing coming up in Charlotte, Washington, D.C., Salt Lake City, Toronto.
Just hold a beat on getting the Toronto tickets.
We're figuring that out if you already have them.
You know, just not sure yet if that's going to be coming to fruition.
And where else?
Appleton, Wisconsin, and Buffalo, New York, other places that I will be coming to.
Today's guest is he's just one of a kind.
It's like all of mankind got just put into one person.
And he's like an oracle to the great beyond and to the great ahead.
And he's one of the sweetest guys that I know and one of the absolute funniest gets you out of your seat.
Straight up savages.
Joey Coco Diaz is here with us today.
I still want my eyes Shine that light on me I still want my eyes I'll spin and tell you my story.
I want to know about that, bro.
That looked like the one thing I definitely wanted to be in.
Next time, you're coming with us.
I'd love to.
You're going to come with us.
Dude, I would love to go.
What a blast.
Because, so you guys had to pass, I know, so you guys at least got to skip some of the lines.
Oh, right through like doctors.
Because you guys must have had a million people trying to holler at you.
What was there?
Oh, my God.
It was crazy.
It was great.
It was great, though.
You know, you don't know.
We'll save it for the podcast.
You don't really know how good Disneyland is until you get there because we're all cheap.
Yeah.
And we're like, $149, I'm not going down there for $149.
Then when you sit on a ride, you go, I get it.
Yeah.
I'm safe.
Did Eddie have children with him or no?
Yeah, he had his son with him.
Oh, he did?
Yeah.
His son and my daughter love each other.
Really?
Yeah, they love each other.
They love each other.
We all go to the same restaurant on Wednesdays because kids eat free.
My daughter loves the spaghetti there.
Yeah.
The pasta restaurant.
It's the worst shit I've ever eaten in my life, but they like it.
And last week we went and that's who was there.
Draco.
And we all hung out and the mom.
You know, it's a different world, man.
That's crazy, man.
And the kids, so does your daughter know about the podcast or anything?
She doesn't know about that.
Like, what does she kind of look at it as?
What the fuck she knows?
I don't know what the fuck she knows.
You know, she knows I got an office.
Yeah.
She goes over there.
She sees the microphone.
Try to hide the bongs and shit.
She'll tell me she wants to go to your office, daddy, and clean it.
So I'll let her come over and wipe it down and have fun.
I have a garbage out and give her like $5.
And she just lost a tooth.
You said on the way in.
You say your daughter just lost a tooth.
That's fucking mind-boggling, emotional.
Is it?
For me, it was.
I'm from a different fucking world, bro.
Yeah.
Oh, I remember selling my teeth to some kid that came through town.
Yeah.
No, you didn't.
Just on the street, yeah.
Your baby teeth?
I don't know if they were baby or not.
Some of them might have been adult.
My mouth kept making them, bro.
I needed them, you know?
My mouth was just producing fucking, this was like a silver mine, you know?
Or like something, you know?
Like my mouth was like, do whatever we got to do to sell something.
I'll fucking make as much enamel as you need.
That's crazy.
I used to fucking be petrified at a dentist.
So I didn't go to the dentist for like 20 years.
So I was just doing my own dental work.
No.
Oh, yeah.
I'd get a bottle of jack, get some Coke and shit, get fucked up, get a wrench, and I'd go to work, dog.
And just get in there.
Oh, yeah.
I pulled out like all these are all fake.
Yeah, I pulled out like those motherfuckers.
Fuck yeah.
Wow.
And then the day I did go to the doctor, I went to this Kevin named Kevin Sesser, DDS.
And bold, that's the day I kidnapped the motherfucker.
The same day I got the teeth, I got my fillings done that morning.
Oh, I could see that.
Dude, dental work will make you want to fucking kill you.
You know, and my attorney kept saying, you should use that in the defense, you know, and I'm like, nah.
Because I did want to kidnap this dude way before the dental worked.
You know what I'm saying?
Way before I went to the dentist, I was going to rob this guy.
Me going to the dentist had nothing to do with it.
He was going down whether I went to the dentist or not.
But that's the beauty of these days.
Like, you could do anything, man.
You could go to the dentist first, and then you're like, yeah, I was high on some kind of gas or something like that.
How do you know that?
Bro, you know what?
I could have made the excuse up.
I just didn't want to.
I wanted to end it.
Yeah.
I wanted to end it at that age.
Like, I wanted all this just to end and to start over.
I knew I had fucked up.
Yeah, did you have a lot of amends to make when you went through, like, when you kind of started to kind of, when you kind of got out of that sort of lifestyle?
No, I still make amends.
Really?
Like, I still think of shit and I go, you know what?
I should call that person and I should write that person.
Like, I was just talking about my back.
Like, I got a big beef with my ex-wife.
You know, I have a 27-year-old I don't talk to.
Oh, wow.
Me and my wife, just, just, you know, in life, we make a few good fucking decisions, you know, and me getting married, I was young.
I wasn't really in love.
I was a fucking criminal, you know.
So what made you get married then?
Like, what was the thing that you kind of did, honestly, when you think kind of, because look, I'm in some of those situations.
Like, you know, I worry about moving forward, but knowing that I'm not ready sometimes in certain environments, you know?
Well, you're never fucking ready.
I mean, you're never ready for dick.
Right.
There's no handbook on marriage.
There's no handbook on friendship.
There's no handbook on life.
There's no handbook on anything.
You know, I remember a kid years ago, there was a phone guy at the store.
And one day the fucking talent coordinator got fired.
They just made him the talent coordinator.
Wow.
He didn't know nothing about nothing.
He got fired six months later, but you just have to be ready.
There's times that in life that I can't train you for what's going to happen.
Right.
And that's, if you think about your life, I mean, how old are you now?
I'm 38. Think about your life.
That's most of the time.
Nobody could train you for what?
You either fall apart, have a nervous breakdown, go see a psychiatrist, or fucking live your life.
live your fucking life because it's very...
You have no idea how much exact, I mean, this is literally, I'm going to a therapist today at seven, and it's like, you know, some things that's just like, sometimes I'm just afraid to like maybe admit what the truth is to myself.
And instead, I'll get stuck in some of these like therapy situations because sometimes I feel like I know what the truth is, but it's hard to, sometimes it's hard to know if your instincts are reliable.
Does that make any sense?
Like if you get an instinct, if it's legit or not, or if it's fear, or if it's.
I had a friend.
I have a friend.
That's the kiss of death.
I love him with all my heart.
But every decision he makes is a bad decision.
And I was thinking about it about a month ago, and I was thinking about when I was in the same position.
That at one time in my life, everything I did was a bad decision.
I mean, I was the kiss of death.
When I got out of prison, everything I did, getting married, everything I did.
So I consciously made a fucking decision to think about every decision and not to do the first thing that came to my mind.
Wow.
It's like I had to actually do that.
That's a bad idea.
Like, I would be negative to be positive.
Right.
Because I was doing everything wrong.
So before I do that, I'm going to fucking throw hot water on it and do the other thing.
And I started because you have to come to terms with yourself.
You go, this ain't working.
Yeah, sometimes you got to realize it just naturally, you're not going to make the best.
Maybe your instinct isn't the best of decision maker.
Yeah.
This morning I woke up and I saw something about the nerdist.
The Alexonerated NBC and all this stuff.
I don't know who his accuser is or whatever.
It got nothing to do with it.
Chris Hardwick guy.
Yeah, Chris Hardwick.
But I was very happy.
I've met Chris a couple of times.
You know, he is what he is.
He's the sweetheart of a guy.
But you can't...
We can't keep...
But we're getting judgment by the internet now.
And that's not fair.
That's not right.
That's not what this whole thing was about.
This is about, you say something, I did that.
All right.
Give me the camera.
Give me the footage.
Let's go.
I can't base everything on your fucking word.
That's why I don't go to therapy.
I use my podcast as therapy.
I beat you to the punch.
I'm going to get it out there before you could even get it out there.
I'll tell you the fucking story.
You want to know the story?
I'll tell you.
I don't give a fuck.
It was 30 years.
What are you going to do?
Arrest me?
Beat me up.
What are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
At this point, there's not much you could do.
I do something positive in a mental type of way once a month.
Yeah.
You do a lot of stuff.
I do something.
Like, I just reached out before the Netflix special, which you came out.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, it's great.
I really awesome out there.
I reached out to somebody who did me a solid when I was 16 years old.
And I didn't know the amount of the solid that it was.
So I shit on the solid.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
And I live with that every day.
And we kind of talk, but I could see it in his face.
Listen, he has no reason to talk to me.
He really doesn't.
I caused havoc in his house.
I caused havoc in his life.
And I wrote him this long thing.
And I just said, listen, if there's anything I could do to come over to your house and talk to your family, just to nobody wants to die with this shit on that.
It's not such a big deal.
It was a big deal then.
Today, it's not such a big deal.
We all lived.
We all survived.
I haven't heard back from him.
Is it hard sometimes for people, do you find it?
Because what do you think is one of the things that stops us sometimes from being the bigger man?
Because sometimes I want to be angry instead of be grateful.
Or I want to be, I don't want to reach out to someone, like I still want to hold that grudge.
When you have those kind of moments, how do you kind of get through some of that?
instead of being like, well, fuck, I could still hold a grudge against this person, but I'm going to do this instead.
You know, TJ English, he did the podcast for me and Rogan, and he said in his 30, 40 years experience dealing with Cuban people were always very vindictive.
You know, the book he wrote about that guy was about a godfather, you know, about a crime godfather.
But the guy used to kill people himself.
Like, that's unheard of.
Like, with episode eight of the Sopranos, they were thinking of canceling the Sopranos.
I think after episode seven, they really, HBO did not want Tony killing somebody.
Yeah.
Because the mob boss always sends an underling.
But Chase wanted to make this point, so he had Tony kill him.
With this guy battle, you know, I'm very vindictive.
I will get you.
Yeah.
I will get you.
I will lay down like a fucking dog and I'll wait years.
I've done it to people already.
You know what I'm saying?
I've done it to motherfuckers already.
Well, I'll sit in the bush for years.
You know, that's a horrible way to live, though.
Yeah.
That's a horrible.
I'm the king of it because you can do it.
Because that shit's stirring you all the time.
It's running in the background, like an open window on the internet.
Like it's just sitting there running.
Like there's somebody right now that's in Burbank.
But I want to go over there and throw him out of fucking window every morning when I wake up.
And the only thing that stops me is my family, my daughter, what I'm doing right now, because he's a piece of shit.
And he's been a piece of shit to a lot of people.
A lot of comedians.
And I knew it when I, but guess why I don't throw him out the window?
Because I did business with him and I knew it going in that he was a piece of shit.
Wow.
So shame on me.
I got caught up in the smoke of the situation.
Now I have to pay for my sins.
But I'll get that motherfucker eventually.
I'll give him a flat.
I'll put sugar in his gas tank.
Something along the line.
I'll be fucking something.
I'll put saran wrap in his gas tank.
Yeah.
And he'll stall every 30 miles in the 405.
You know, I'm the king of that shit.
Oh, that made it worse.
I don't want to live there.
Yeah.
I don't want to be there.
You know, like I said, two weeks ago, I wrote a letter to my ex-wife.
Like, and I said all the things I did wrong.
Yeah.
And I took the letter and I lit it on fire.
Wow.
Because I don't want nobody getting that letter.
I don't want to go to jail.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
And does she know all these things?
Did you send it to me?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I just wanted to know.
You wanted to know?
I just wanted to know where I fucked up and how I was aware of what I had done, you know?
Man, I'm afraid to say it's so crazy hearing you say some of that because sometimes it's like if I, if yeah, the real, the truth sometimes, it's like I'm afraid, I'd be probably afraid to even fucking read it all to myself, you know?
Oh, when I read it, when you read something, like when I write a story about me robbing somebody, like in my little iPad, and I'm writing and I giggle and then I read it.
Reading it fucks my world up.
Yeah.
Like reading it fucks my world up for an hour or two.
Because it changes the perspective of it.
It changes the perspective.
What you're thinking and what you're reading is two different things.
It's a little harder when I said I jumped through his window and all that shit.
You know, it seems a little bit rougher.
But I don't know.
It's been great.
I've been trying to, you know, ever since I have the family, I just want to shed some of this fucking snake skin.
Yeah.
You know, that's why I don't like any of these accusations from people lately.
You can't, I can't come back to Cleo and said that when we were going to University of fucking Texas one night you touched my tit.
I can't say that now.
Yeah, that's crazy.
I can't do that now 20 years later.
That's not right to you.
It's not right.
It's not right to me.
Let me call Cleo and go, hey, Cleo, man.
A couple of years ago, I felt a little threatened by you in that room.
We were doing blow and you asked me to show me your monkey.
Yeah.
You know, what the fuck were you doing blow with me for?
You know the deal.
You pull a line of coke, you're sucking something.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
You're sucking something.
You faced the fire.
You're going to fix the faucet.
Yeah.
You're going to fix the faucet with your mouth.
And the reason why I don't like that is because I know I've changed.
Right.
That's the thing.
I know I've changed the person.
I know I don't see the shit I used to see.
Yeah.
And when I see it now, if I would go into buildings like this.
When I was 21, I'd put a suit on, dog.
And I'd walk past reception and I'd walk into a business like this.
And I'd pick the third floor.
And I'd just go from door to door looking for Tony Smith.
Wow.
Tony Smith here.
No, there's no Tony here.
What room were you looking for?
I thought it was 303.
Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no.
Maybe check the fourth floor.
You know how many times I'd open up a door and there'd be a purse sitting there or your wallet.
And you went to the bathroom and let your wallet on the table.
And I would just take a wallet.
There'd be 500 bucks in it.
And I'd walk out the building and I was good for the day.
Yeah.
I did that for years.
I would walk into a building and just knock on doors.
Like, I'm looking for Theo.
Theo Villa.
Dude, we used to do that too.
We used to go through the neighborhood at night and we'd steal everybody's fucking car radios, right?
But then here was why I did it, dude.
At first, you know, we did it because we wanted a radio for our own car, but you only can put like one radio in your own car.
So then I'd have a back seat with like nine radios in it, you know, all these fucking radios sitting there.
But then here's why I started to do it.
Because then I would see people drive down the street and be furious that they didn't have any music.
So then that would fucking make me laugh so hard, bro.
Just see somebody driving.
And this one dude started singing his own songs every day, bro.
He had no radio?
Oh, dude, this dude.
It's crazy how I never got into robbing cars or car stereos.
I love watching somebody who used to rob car stereos.
But at one point, cars started putting a device in it that if you stole the stereo, it wouldn't work in another car.
I think especially Subaru had the technology.
Subaru.
I'll tell you what, bro.
When I first started working for Subaru, it was 1986.
And I was living in Boulder and I was a detailer.
But I became friends with the manager.
His name was Peter Pinto, a real street guy.
And one day he's like, why do you wash cars?
You're like one of the best salesmen.
Just talking to you.
I can buy shit from you.
And he goes, just come over on a Monday and see if you like it.
And I came over on a Monday and sold three cars and made $1,000.
At that time, I used to work 60 hours a week for like washing.
I think it was $8.60 a month they would pay me.
And you made it in a day.
I'd make it in a day selling cars.
And I went, I borrowed $500 from my girlfriend's mother.
And I went and bought, you know, three jackets, three pair of pants, a pair of shoes, a belt.
And I went and fucking knocked them fucking dead.
But I thought I was making like seven to 10 grand a month.
That's right.
Like my first three months in 1987, going to school, seven grand a month.
Subaru, selling 10 cars a month.
You get a check from them, you get a check from Subaru, but the lotman drove like a fucking, like an expensive BMW.
And I'm like, how can a fucking lot man sell, you know, have a BMW?
I mean, what can a lot man make?
You know, the year went by.
I stayed a loyal employee.
You know, I got into a few arguments there.
I threatened to fucking break the car with an axe window if they didn't pay me and shit like that.
But the cops came in one day.
This was a crazy place where I worked.
It was called Crouch Subaru.
Yeah.
Krouch, and that's German, huh?
Crouch.
They have their own.
Crouch, huh?
You know you're going to get fucking robbed or somebody's.
C-R-O-U-C-H.
They own an Acura store today.
Yeah.
A couple Acura stores.
But in those days, that Subaru store was a fucking comedy.
Like, it was a comedy.
And they didn't even have a lot of Subaru.
Do people even know what that was then?
Yeah, no, in Colorado, Subaru.
It's the number one car.
It's number one car.
It used to be Burt Subaru.
Well, the number one Subaru dealer in the world.
Wow.
They did 500 new Subarus a fucking month or something.
And then we were like number eight in the district.
But one day the cops came and they arrested this fucking lot guy because he was running a scam at the gym.
But what we also didn't know was that after you sold a car, he would talk to you for five minutes about your car and he would upsell you.
Oh, he's selling shit on your car.
So this motherfucker was taking the stereos out of the GL10 sedans, the top, and putting it in your shitty car.
So all these people were paying 20 grand for these high-end cars and the radio like an AM radio.
And bro, he did it to every five.
Like when he got arrested, he had been doing this for years.
Like people were buying a ton of money.
Ton of money.
He was selling rims, tires.
Then the cops came in again one day and surrounded the building because we had a salesman that used to rob banks at lunchtime.
Oh, wow.
His name was Carlos Valverdio.
That was great idea.
He was this guy.
And he had nine kids.
Nine fucking kids he had with the same wife.
He had been married like 30 fucking years.
He was robbing that pussy as well.
Every 30 years he was like 22. He was Spanish.
Carlos Valverdia.
Spanish is Kavi.
Never forget this guy.
And one day the fucking cops came and surrounded the building.
He was fucking robbing banks at his lunchtime.
Him and four other guys would fucking get cars.
I mean, it was fucking crazy.
Then I got in trouble there.
This car dealership was a professional thievery.
Everybody was stealing from banks.
There was a guy in there that robbed banks.
That's a great sitcom.
Everybody's stealing from banks.
Oh, my God.
There was a guy in there that was in probation because he robbed banks.
And he just got out of jail after doing 20 years for robbing banks.
The manager was a biker that would work six months of the year.
Yeah.
Like cut his hair and shave.
And he was a great salesman.
Then the other half of the year, he was a biker.
Didn't do no drugs.
He hated drugs.
And he hated the smell of vinegar.
Wow.
So when I didn't want him there, I would come in and I'd buy a bottle of white vinegar and I'd take a cap and put it in the corner of his office and spill it.
And he'd be in the office within minutes.
He'd be like, I smell vinegar.
And he'd fucking leave.
I used to get Coke bindles and tie like fish wire to him and I'd throw them on the floor by him and I'd roll him from my seat and he'd be fucking trying to step on it.
I had a great time.
That sounds so much fun.
But it's so funny because what I learned that year, I still do today.
Right.
Like all the things I learned about selling cars and how you should be a salesman.
Like I still use those principles today.
Like they kept me alive in the comedy game.
Yeah.
Like, you know, so it's kind of...
When you're...
Like what's that kind of like?
So like, what is like, is it hard to go from like, you know, being like, is it hard to switch into like a dad mode?
Like, did you ever worry that it would be hard to switch into like a dad mode?
Or is it just kind of naturally happening?
Because I, you know, like sometimes, you know, especially as a comedian, it's kind of like the center of attention, you know, sometimes, whether we want to be or not, you know, and then like have your daughter be the center of attention.
Is it different?
Like, is it unique or anything?
What's that like?
I've had like five lives, man.
Yeah.
So like I leave here now.
I go over the hill.
I pick her up at a quarter to four from camp and I take her to Muay Thai.
And then I got a half hour in between Muay Thai and swimming.
Yeah.
And then I sit there for a fucking hour and sit with her.
And then from there, we go to dinner tonight because it's Wednesday night.
So it's spaghetti night.
So it's spaghetti night.
And does she like, if she's in the pool, you know, you're just watching her?
She just, it's like all the dad stuff.
Yeah.
You know, and I'm very fortunate because a lot of the people on the pool are moms.
Right.
I could go with my wife.
Oh, nice.
You know, the way I look at it, I got a second chance of being a dad.
Wow.
I fucked up the first time, so now I do it to the T. I'm the type of guy, if you give me a second chance at something, that's it.
Whatever the past was, was the past.
Next time, I'll do it to the fucking letter.
Yeah.
And it's all that's going on right now in my life is very important.
Like every aspect of it, the balance I have.
You show up.
It's important.
You got to show up.
I give a fuck about, I give a fuck about my family.
We got to feed our family.
We got to eat.
And we got to act like a family.
If not, we're going to end up like an LA family.
Divorced, and I got a 16-year-old wife.
I don't want that.
I did that already.
I did that already.
I want a family.
I want to go home at night.
So I enjoy my comedic life.
I love my podcast life.
You know, I love going to the store and bumping into you guys with someone.
Last night was so much fun in the parking lot.
And sticking your fingers up somebody's ass, and you're talking about this.
And then I went and got pizza at Joe's, and I brought our Sicilian slice for Lee and his buddy.
And they waited for me by their open mic.
So we sat in the parking lot till 12.30 eating pizza, talking shit.
And people were pulling on going, Joey, what's happening?
And we're talking about black dick and fucking how it's funny because I'm going, yeah, the chick she liked black dick.
She liked the banana mist around the dick.
And I got a black guy pulls up and going, It's funny you're here.
We're just talking about black people.
He came over, we started telling him about banana dicks.
I mean, we were there until about 12:30 just talking.
And then I go home and I wash my hands, I pee, you know, check on the kid.
And then I walk into her room, tiptoe.
Yeah.
And I turn the turtle off that's doing like this psychedelic shot.
It's crazy to put kids through something.
So now I turn this other thing off and then I give her a kiss and I say, you know, God bless you.
And then I walk to my office and there I am smoking dope two minutes later.
And then, you know, so it's like I have nine lives in between.
And they're all going on at once.
You know, I really respect that fathership shit.
Like, I don't get high.
Like, like, if I get high before, like, swimming or something, I'm dualisterene.
I change my shirt.
I put Visine in my eyes.
You show up like at least a pro.
Yeah, I show up like a pro.
I don't show up like fucking, you know, looking like cheats and shit.
You're not having your daughter hold the roach in her swim bag.
In fact, yesterday morning I got up because she went to pre-care first, right?
She went to, at two, she went to like pre-care.
And I was against it.
But when my wife took me and I saw the kids, I go, what are we going to do?
Keep her in the house all day.
Right, because it's fun that you do art and stuff like that, and they get to interact with other kids.
That's a huge, that's the biggest thing.
Got to interact with other fucking kids.
That's the big thing that when I came from Cuba, I had a big problem.
I didn't speak the language, bro.
Yeah.
I didn't speak the language.
And then my father died.
So I was like Vito when he came from Italy.
You ever see The Godfather 2?
When Vito came, he was like a half a fucking retard.
He was like singing songs at the INS.
He was like singing songs.
Yeah, he's like one of those guys going through my neighborhood with no radio.
Yeah, with no radio.
And that was me.
I was damaged goods.
I was damaged goods.
But my mom had me in an adult world because she didn't believe in daycare.
So here I am with her at the track.
I'm at the bar with her that she owns.
You're at the laundromat.
You're learning about everything.
That didn't do me no favors.
It showed me the world, but it also slowed me back.
It took me years to chair.
Probably took a lot of your childhood away.
I was a single child.
So that don't help either.
So you don't learn how to chair, you don't learn how to do...
So I had to learn to deal with all that.
With me, I wanted her.
Listen, man, let's fucking be honest.
As men, let's be fucking honest, you know.
Your mom was hot?
No, my mom was a fucking dirty hawk.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
I know what we're being honest about.
My mom was okay.
She's about a seven or eight.
Let's be as honest as we can.
You know, a woman has to fight hard in this world.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
It's just the way it is, ladies.
I'm not here to tell you why or how.
It's the way it's always been.
It's a tough time.
The odds are against a woman from day one.
I'm trying to shorten those odds.
If I could get her from 9 to 1 odds to 7 to 3, I did my job as a dad.
Amen.
And that's filling in those voids.
See, I thought being a dad was buying your kid a $22,000 car.
No.
At 25, when I had my kid, I thought that's what having a child was.
Having a child is when, dog, my phone's ringing, I don't give a fuck that it's ringing.
And I'm on the floor with her drawing crayons every night.
Yeah.
Like, every night, her and I sit together and we get crayons.
And she yells at me, why don't you use markers?
I'm like, because I'm fucking old school.
I like crayons, bitch.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm a crayon type of motherfucker.
And while I'm doing that crayon, I'm thinking about my life.
I'm looking at her and I'm thinking about the shit I didn't do as a kid.
But that's every night.
You get that second chance.
When I get home, we eat dinner.
She says her prayers.
Even though I'm talking about eating assholes all day and fucking that fucking Polic fuck and all this shit that comes out of my mouth, then at six o'clock, I'm this guy that says prayers at the table.
Yeah.
And Mercy, take your elbows off the table.
And I talk to her in Spanish.
Oh, I like that.
So if I say, hoy que tapazando, I'll say it, hoy que tapazando.
How is school today?
Gump boy.
So whatever I say to her in English, and even if she don't understand, she'll learn to fucking say me.
And she gets it.
She gets it.
What are some things that she does that you notice is like you inside of her?
That must be kind of cool, huh?
See, like something, like a moment in your kid when they like, maybe they laugh a certain way or they look a certain way or they do something.
Like, you know, when you see like you in, it's like, you know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, no, there's a couple things I see already.
I see that she likes her alone time.
Yeah.
There's times we walk in from doing something and she's like, later.
And there's times I'll go in the room and she'll be like, she'll tell me the truth.
She's like, Daddy, I want to be alone right now.
And I'll hurt my feelings, but I'll go, I'm the same fucking woman.
Why would I be hurt?
I don't like her temper.
Sometimes she goes off on my wife, and I got to sit her down, and she gets red.
I see that Cuban blood going.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
So that Cuban blood is good, but it's bad in some situations.
So I want to hone it.
Yeah.
It's more of a soup.
So I brought her into jiu-jitsu about two months ago.
And she fell in love with the dude because my daughter's going to be a little dirty whore.
I mean, I love her to death, but she loves men.
And I wanted that.
Yeah.
I want it.
Like, I bring her around guys, so she's never scared.
She's never intimidated.
Oh, I like that.
My mother was a bookmaker, so she worked with men.
And I used to admire how my mother walked into a room and the respect she got from men.
Wow.
It wasn't a respect that she got because she had big tits because she laid the law down in that room.
I came from a very interesting backhand that I didn't know.
When my mother was 16, her and her sister went to a dance in Cuba.
And my mother couldn't find her sister.
So she went outside and some guy was raping her.
And my mother broke a bottle and cut the guy, stabbed him from one side of his back to the other.
He died.
I had to get my mother out of Cuba into the States.
So my mom went to like Caracao first.
Curacao, yeah.
Curacao first.
Yeah, we have a military base there.
Huge military base.
Huge.
And then she went to the States.
And then she went back to Cuba with a fake identity and everything disappeared.
Wow.
So I look at my daughter and I think about me and I know that that's in my blood.
It's in there.
That that's a possibility.
My mom had to think quick.
I never knew the story until she died.
Wow, she's fearless.
I never knew the story.
I saw her in action.
In fact, yesterday I was writing.
Man, she must have been a strong woman.
Yesterday, I was writing a fucking thing.
Because I usually, like, when you go write jokes, sometimes you can't write jokes.
So just sitting there licking a pen, I'll fucking just write a story.
Yeah.
You know, like, let's write it.
And I wrote a story about me and karate and how I got into karate.
I got into karate because I played hookie and I got hit in the head with a lunchbox and I got stitches and I told my mother and the next day she walked me to a black karate school.
All black.
Black people doing karate?
Oh, yeah.
1969, 68, New York City.
How's that not a doctor?
As a matter of fact, you know Laranja Orange?
The guy that acts Brazilian that hangs out with all these guys is Eddie's black belt.
Oh, whoa, wait.
Is it not Shea or what's that guy's name?
He used to do he does the Brazilian accent?
His father was my first karate.
Eve, not Eve.
I'm thinking of Eve.
You know what I'm talking about that guy Eve that comes down sometimes?
He's like friends with Tate Fletcher and those guys.
No.
It's not him and Mickey Gall.
He comes with those guys?
No, no, no.
Not him.
No, this guy's one of Eddie's black belts.
Wow.
He has a show, the Ranjo Naranjo.
He's a black dude, but he makes believe he's Brazilian.
A capoeira boy, yeah.
He insults everybody.
His father was my first black belt.
And his father would walk around with a fucking wooden sword and hit you.
There was no giggling allowed.
And I remember I got kicked in the stomach one time and got the wind knocked out of me.
And I'm like, I'm not going back.
And my mom grabbed me.
She goes, you don't go back in there.
I'm going to kick you in the stomach 50 fucking times.
So get back in there.
That's no big deal.
You got kicked one time.
He would make you run on the streets with your gi on barefoot in 1968.
So you would be running past all your friends.
And then the next day you'd go to school and your friends are like, hey, karate man.
Come on, show us some karate and shit.
So then you'd be put on the spot, Connie.
You kind of had to respect your art.
You had to show your art to your friends.
And then you decide for yourself, do I respect my art?
Am I going to show it?
Or what am I going to do in this moment?
That's why I love the martial arts so much because at that time I was so fucked up, but they brought me into something.
And I used to get bullied by this kid, Rudy the Haitian.
He was a Haitian kid.
Yeah, Haitians can be wild, man.
It's risky.
It's 50-50 shot every time with a Haitian.
And this is the 60s in New York.
I don't even know what a Haitian is.
But the whole neighborhood called him Rudy the Haitian.
And he was about my age.
And he would beat me up like once a month or whatever.
And one day I got the karate down.
I lit this motherfucker up, Jack.
I lit him up with kicks.
The fucking double dragon.
Oh, yeah.
I got him with like 20 kicks to the stomach and shit.
And then the next time I fought him, his father came downstairs and grabbed my arms and pinned me and let him hit me.
And then his father took me upstairs.
His cheat code.
And my mother would wake up in the mornings, take me to school.
But my mom would have a bar, so she wouldn't go to bed till four in the morning.
So she would do all this shit and then come home and take an afternoon nap.
And this one particular day, he came upstairs, knocked on my mom's door, which big mistake.
My mom opened the door, like, what's going on?
He's like, the next time your son hits my son, I'm going to hit him and I'm going to hit you.
And my mom got a fucking kitchen knife and chased him up the stairs.
I was like five.
Damn.
I was like crying.
Mom's going to get dirty.
And all of a sudden, my mom came down holding a knife.
So that motherfucker will never fuck with you again.
And we went inside.
But the lady next door had seen everything that went down in the apartment.
Everybody knew, everybody on the floor.
But it was the 70s.
There was no camera and Americans shut their fucking mouth.
There was no rats.
You were not allowed to talk to the police.
You were raised not to talk to the police.
Yeah.
And I'll never forget, like 10 minutes later, the cops knocked on the door and they had my mom in the hallway.
They turned her around.
They were about to arrest her.
He kept saying that my mother had a knife and the little old lady came out with a fucking, what do you call those things?
Probably knitting a cross or something.
Yeah.
Rosary beads.
Oh, yeah.
And she goes, I saw the whole thing.
She didn't have a knife.
And that was it.
She had a spoon.
She was stirring coffee.
Isn't that right?
And my mom goes, yeah, see, in Spanish.
And the cop's like, all right, let it go.
And my mom was telling Rudy's father in Spanish that all this shit.
And a week later, Rudy's family moved from the building.
We never saw the Haitians again.
Wow.
Now, with your mom being so tough, was it tough to feel like affection from her?
Because sometimes, like, my mom's a hard worker, right?
My mom delivered, you know, she's a delivery woman.
You know, she delivered newspapers when I was a kid.
She delivers magazines now.
She's always had a fucking van, you know.
Now she's got her husband.
He's as Alzheimer's.
You don't even know he's in the van.
He's with her every day.
Just fucking bouncing around in the fucking passenger seat.
She had to get a fucking second seat belt installed for him because he fucking would kind of slip.
He's getting little.
He would slip out of the fucking purse.
Now she's got him just basically in a fucking straitjacket, just bouncing around.
He has no clue where he is.
Just delivering fucking news on wheels every day, you know.
I think he's about 90, you know.
Your mom still does this?
My mom still does it, dude.
And here's the worst part, but she got a good deal on this van, right?
My mom likes a good deal, and she got a good deal on this van has no window, none of the side or back windows, bro.
So her fucking GPS is the Lord, bro.
So she just fucking bouncing around.
He's got even a thing.
But she's out there delivering all these things, man.
She won't not work, you know?
Like, I could tell her, like, look, you know, I give her some money every month, every month, but she wouldn't have anything else to do.
You know, it's like her identity.
But then for me, it was hard to like, for me, that kind of mom was hard to connect with, you know, because that she just had, you know, she, for me, I looked at my mom as like the mom and the dad.
I didn't realize when I was a kid.
But, you know, do you find it was tough to like have an emotional, like a mother-son connection when your mom is like such a has to be such a bravado, you know what I'm saying?
Kind of?
I grew up without a dad.
I had a stepdad.
My mom was tough.
Yeah.
My mom was very tough.
In today's world, it would be light abuse.
But I'm thankful.
Yeah, same.
I'm thankful for everything she did because my mom prepared me for the world.
But today, I'm not raising my daughter.
I'm preparing my daughter just in case something happens to me.
My mom did a great job, but she left a lot of gaps.
And that's where the damage came in.
Right.
So what I did differently is I write all the damage down.
I write for my daughter.
So I write every couple days when I'm feeling what my thoughts are.
Kind of like Jack's teller on Sons of Anarchy.
Yeah.
So if something does happen to she has all the fucking answers.
She'll never, she'll know the truth.
You know, I don't tell my daughter I'm a comedian.
I don't show her because if not, she's going to want to be a fucking comic in front of the stage.
Right.
Don't tell them.
I don't even, like the pre-K teacher the other day said, have your daddy help you write it, but it's got to be clean.
I don't want that shit.
Don't tell her because it's going to be all right for her to be the class clown.
Right.
I don't want her to be the class.
My mom dog made me fight.
My mom brought a girl home for me the first time.
What the fuck?
Till this day, I can look you guys both in the eye.
And I don't even know if I fucked.
I think I passed out from fear.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I came on a girl once and just fucking, and then lied about it.
Then I got so scared I fucking left out of my own window in my room.
I was too embarrassed to walk through my own fucking house.
It was a party at my house.
And I just fucking left, bruh.
And there's all these people just driving silently up and down the street, fucking singing in their cars.
And I'm like, this is a fucking crazy world, man.
Do I sound like I got a little bit of flavor up in my throat?
Well, I just might.
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Get that hat up.
It's a fucking crazy world, man.
And what we do, like, think of the world our head lives in.
Have you ever thought of what we do?
Have you ever gone to an open mic and seen a bunch of guys that are in it for four years?
And it takes you right back to it and going, like, damn, what made me stick with this?
Yeah.
With this abuse at the four-year mark.
You're not really a feature.
You're starting to MC.
Your home club hates you.
Your friends go to Montreal.
You're not going to be.
Oh, that's the worst.
You know, it's all these emotions that most people can't hang.
Listen, Brian, I've been here 27 years.
I've seen a ton of people come.
And I've seen a ton of people go.
I've seen people that I've gone to gigs with that have conversations.
They love comedy.
This is what they do.
And a year later, I go to a commercial audition and there they are in there with a camera going, well, you know, it was a little on the tough side.
And you're like, what are you talking about?
We just did a gig together.
And you were telling me how.
Yeah.
This is what I do.
This is what we do.
Yeah, it chooses you after a while.
I think this sport too, like comedy just chooses you.
Like, I don't even know.
Like, I don't even feel when I get up on the stage anymore, like I'm trying to make them laugh.
I just feel like this is what I have to do to get through the day or the week.
It's just like part of the week.
It's almost like getting out of bed and making coffee or something.
Like, I used to feel up there like I was in this moment where like, okay, I gotta, let's see how this works and let's see how this works.
And now I feel like I can finally just kind of be up there.
You know, did you start to notice that as you got along in it?
Like you can just kind of, the goal in the end is almost just to kind of get to the way you are in front of your friends.
Like you joke around in front of your friends, but when you get on stage, it's this different pressure.
But eventually it all comes all the way back around where the whole crowd just feels like you're in front of your friends.
You know what I'm saying?
Let's think of this word, words.
I'm sorry.
The journey of emotion.
How long have you been doing comedy for?
15. So in those 15 years, I want you to think where your emotions were before you went on stage when you started, where your emotions were when you get on stage now.
It's fucking two different fucking worlds.
Now, three months ago, I could look you both in the face when you came to see me in Vegas.
And I'm going to tell you, motherfuckers, I was damaged goods.
Yeah.
Because it happens.
This is the human brain.
And sometimes our brain gets fucking fried in between everything.
Not to mention Arifa, not to mention being a father, not to mention a thousand variables.
But guess what?
Motherfucker, I'm back now.
Comedy-wise, I'm back because I got lost.
I watched John Mulaney and I thought I wanted to be John Mulaney.
He was a great fucking comic.
Yeah.
Great writer.
But guess what?
I'll never be John Mulaney and I'll never be Theo Vaughn.
And guess what's even better?
Theo Vaughn will never be John Mulaney.
He'll never be Joe Diaz.
Why?
Because he's fucking Theo Vaughn.
And Joe Diaz is Joe Diaz.
And you know what?
Once I put that together, like I'm brand new again.
Like I feel like I'm 20 fucking eight now when I go on stage.
Like now, you got a fucking problem.
Last night I ate up that main room.
You went to the room, I got my ass kicked.
You know what I'm saying?
you can't win every fight.
You know what I'm saying?
The main room, I fucking came out there last night.
If I would have had a Xanax at the seven-minute mark, I would have had to take it because I could feel my heart ready to jump out of my chest, and that's what comedy is all about.
When you still feel that in your balls, that's what it's all about.
For months, I wasn't feeling it.
The business part got to me.
Yeah, the business partner.
The business part sucks dick.
The fucking numbers and this and that and the tickets.
You know what?
I don't give a fuck.
You don't want to come see me?
Don't fucking come see me.
I'm still going to do what I do on stage.
I'm going to be crazier than ever.
Crazier than ever.
I don't give a fuck about society or how fucking what you can say and what you can't say.
That's got nothing to do with me, bro.
I'm a comic and I'm sick and fucking tired of what's going on.
No more safety net.
Yeah.
You know, I was making excuses up to you.
I'm not going to the comedy store no more because I can't work out new material.
Too bad.
Work it out at the comedy store.
Work it out.
If you bomb, you bomb.
That's what Mitchie Shaw intended that place to be.
But in my head, I'm like, well, they pay $25.
I can't bomb.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
I got to take a chance on the fucking tightrope.
If not, I just become a comedic robot.
And that's what I was becoming.
A comedic scared robot.
No, man.
No, no more.
If I'm in the middle of the bit and I think of something that happened, I'm dropping it.
And if I forget the bit, so be it.
So be it.
I'm going where my mind takes me now.
My balls are connected to my heart, are connected to my brains, and that's it from now on.
I'm 55. What do I got?
Five, six years left to do comedy before you're too old and ugly to get on stage?
And people are like, Joey, let it go.
You know what I'm saying?
My mom will drive you to fucking gig for the rest of your life.
I am so over comedy now.
Like the Netflix special, all that stuff was like, I shed like this snake skin.
I'm like, I'm done.
There is this skin that comes in with the industry that it's not cool for guys like us.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not your thing.
Don't fucking tell me what to say.
Don't tell me not to fucking say.
Number two, I went, bro, and I went and I bought every piece over the year.
The last couple of years, you know, with the podcast, we have great families that we've developed.
Oh, yeah.
They know my love for comedy.
So people started bringing me albums.
Bob Newhart albums.
Oh, wow.
And fucking Lenny Bruce Live from Carnegie Hall.
And fucking, they brought me all the Richard Pryor albums, the good one by Centennial Nigger.
And the good one, something I said, or, you know, the niggas crazy.
Those are raw Richard Pryor.
Wow.
And I forced myself to put them back on the turntable.
Fuck, fuck videos.
Yeah.
Fuck watching fucking specials anyway.
Think about it in your head.
Put it on video.
Look how they did it.
They would do a tour and tape the bit the best way it came out.
You could hear the bit end and then it would start all over again.
So the albums were brilliant.
Yeah.
Why aren't we doing that?
Yeah.
Why aren't we doing that?
I don't want a special ever again.
Yeah.
Ever again do I want to shoot a special.
From now on, it's this album.
Yeah.
I want you to listen.
I want them to hear the glasses.
I want them to hear the fucking breathing.
I want them.
That's what comedy is to me.
The specials, they forgot how to shoot them.
Oh, 100%.
They forgot how to shoot them.
Go look at Lenny Bruce.
Everybody tries to be avant-garde now.
They're showing you the audience.
They want to show you fire.
Just show the stand-up from the waist to the head doing stand-up.
Don't show me the fucking audience.
Because I watched somebody's special.
He was bombing.
The audience wasn't laughing.
And you could hear like this laughter.
If you laugh, you go like this.
You move back and forth when you laugh.
This audience was stiffer than fucked.
And you could hear the laugh track.
You know, Netflix is about to drop, what, 47 new specials?
That means nobody's going to get to watch them.
We're all going to be caught in a mess.
Yeah, what are we going to do?
It's almost like Netflix doesn't even care if people watch them.
It's just that they want to say that they own it.
You know what I'm saying?
In a weird way, a lot of networks have become like, and I'm not likening this to slavery at all, but they've become, that's what it's almost about.
It's like, how can I own a piece of this person?
As opposed to like, how can I push this art?
You know, like, I find that with some spec, it's just like, I don't know.
It just sometimes I'm like, I want to be freer than that.
You know, I want to be freer than that.
And like, you know, I mean, I feel so fortunate, like, you know, just to be like, even, you know, fighter and the kid guys and, you know, to be able to be friends with guys like you and Joe and, you know, just becoming better friends with some of these guys where it's like, I feel like we're in this free space.
You know, it's like we don't have to, dude, I hated for years, man.
I used to not be able to be myself in this town, man.
And it made me feel like where I, you know, there was something here that made me feel like where I would, like I had to like try and act like the second best friend on a sitcom or something.
And it was just, man, I just hated it.
And I hated it.
Fuck you and the fucking horse.
You know what the best thing somebody says to you is be yourself.
Yeah.
And we never understand what that is.
What's be myself, mate?
Exactly what I just told you.
Yeah.
You just said it.
The goal of comedy is to appear to them like you're talking to your friends.
Yes.
When I talk to my friends, what do I talk about?
And they love it.
Do I talk about intelligent stuff?
Do I try to make believe about it?
No, no.
I talk about the filthiest, whatever the fuck is on my mind.
You talk about whatever.
Some shit is racist.
I'm not racist.
Some shit, you got to say it with color.
Or if not, it's not going to fucking come the fuck out right.
Yeah.
You know, some shit.
We're living in this.
Don't come to the show.
Yeah.
You know what, man?
When I came here 20 years ago, I really, really, really wanted to be on TV.
We all do.
But now, after you do this and we have this freedom, really?
You want to go work at CBS and have somebody come up to you and go, excuse me, but the word is the instead of and?
Does it make a difference?
Ain't nobody watching this shitty fucking show anyway.
Does it make a difference whether I say and or the?
They pay some lady to come up to you and tell you, oh, the word is car.
Who gives a fuck?
Who gives a fuck?
You know, so it's ridiculous.
You know, that's why I always looked at comics early on.
When in the 70s and the 80s and 90s, a lot of comics ended up in rehab that were on TV.
Yeah.
You're fighting it with yourself.
It's a comic, a real comic, should have a hard time on network TV.
Yes.
Well, I mean, I just had a lunch with an executive the other day.
He's a friend of mine, and we were talking about that.
I said, Well, y'all get so many fucking writers and give them these shows.
These people aren't entertainers.
Like, I wouldn't watch half these fucking, you know, they're not even real, they're just writers.
Like, why do y'all keep putting writers in front of camera?
Like, I'd rather watch, you know, like that girl, Punky Johnson, that works at the comedy store?
Black girl in the kitchen with the long dreads, hardcore fucking lesbian, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
I love her.
Oh, she's so lesbian, two years she's going to fucking just sprout a cock.
You know what I'm saying?
She's ready to party, you know?
But I would watch her.
She's only been doing comedy maybe five or six years, right?
She's from Louisiana.
I'd watch her more than I'd watch some fucking writer.
Just because she's at least a, you know, I just use her as an example, but she's just a per she's a thing, you know, she's entertaining.
It's like, like, that's one thing I like about Sebastian.
Like, at least Sebastian's fucking entertaining, you know, like.
Sebastian's very entertaining.
You watch him and you see a show.
And that's what I tried to do from time to time.
Oh, yeah.
No, I think he did a great job.
My wife calls it when I become white.
Yeah.
When I try to become a writer.
Yeah.
When I try to write jokes like all the great writers, that's where I fail.
That ain't us.
That ain't us.
They want us to go up there and be what's in our hearts, what's in our soul.
And you know what?
Half of it you're not going to agree with.
But that's what comedy is about.
Comedy is how my world collides with the real world.
That's what should come out of your mouth.
What's going on in the real world and what's going on in my world?
Like when your mind, those poor Filipinos, poor Thai kids were in there stuck.
In my mind, that coach is Sandusky.
He was going to take them to a cave, fuck him in the ass, and kill that motherfucker.
He was going to figure out what to do with the bicycles.
He hadn't planned that yet.
But he was going to kill those kids.
He was trying to figure out how to hide 30 bird scooters.
He took the apostles down to a cave.
What do you go look at a cave?
What's in a cave?
A bat.
He was going to fuck those kids.
It took Marines to get them out of there.
He was going to fuck those kids and leave them down there.
2,000 years from now, some fucking guy was going to find 12 little fucking Thai kids skeletons with all their assholes fucked up.
Yeah, the Penn State University.
Send Dusky Jr. and shit.
That's fucked up.
That's what we see.
That's what comedy is.
Right.
So stop letting comedy...
The political circle.
It's funny.
It's not funny.
It's dead.
It's dead.
It's a com if you go up there with a political joke.
I don't want to hear you no more because that's the first thing I see on the news the first 10 minutes.
And it's just Americans are sick of it.
It's hatred.
It's pure hatred.
I don't want to be a part of that at all.
I don't either.
At all.
I don't want to be part.
I'm so happy I'm a felon.
I can't tell you how happy I'm a felon.
I'm not responsible for none of this shit.
I will never vote.
I don't want to be responsible.
I'm a half a felon.
That's hilarious.
I got a gun.
I got a couple guns hidden.
I got one at the comedy store.
I just planted one at the comedy store.
Oh, I love that.
Oh, in case things get dangerous.
That used to be my, I used to just get, you've got to go to any, people, we have gun control.
I get your gun in 10 minutes.
I go down to any handball court.
You look for a little guy that looks Puerto Rican and Jewish.
You call him over.
He's got a 22 that don't miss.
And he'll buy it back after you kill a motherfucker.
He's like a walking porn shot.
Tell him what you did to true.
Listen, I shot three guys with this.
They didn't miss.
I shot one guy in the head.
He'll buy it right back.
What'd you give me?
50?
I'll give you 48 for it.
And he'll take the gun back and you just can't get caught with that gun.
You'll be charged with 18 murders.
I got that gun in a baggie behind the fucking counter.
I got a gun with a silencer.
Oh, I love it.
Hidden in my own building, an old school silencer.
I got to go grease it from time to time to fucking make sure.
Dude, I want to hide some guns, bro.
That's a great thing.
I started buying some hot guns and just started fucking hiding.
I love that.
Just in case people get fucking froggy at the store.
You need a couple of them.
I haven't seen that.
Oh, shit.
And how that scene with the end took three weeks.
First of all, when they got there, the set went on fire.
Like, they had the worst luck in the world with that movie.
Really?
It was supposed to be a two-month shoot, and it ended up being a 10-month shoot.
Where'd they shoot it at?
They shot half in Miami, then the Cubans threw them out.
Then they finished it up here by the 405.
Wow.
Like, the mother's house is by the airport and all that shit.
The 10th City is where the 405, where they shot heat.
That's 10th City.
But they shot the last scene, and that machine gun he had is like something like a fucking monster.
So they had to figure out how to get the gunfire that come up on the screen, and they showed all that shit.
But what they didn't tell you is that the rounds were hot.
And one time, Al Pacino fell on the rounds, and it burned his leg, due to the third degree burns.
So they had to cancel the movie again for two weeks.
They had to shoot all the out the Colombians getting shot.
Wow.
Fucking brilliant shit.
Then they got an X-rated.
Oh, and they said they couldn't put it in theaters.
Couldn't put it in theaters.
And then they had to fight the X-rated.
And then they released the movie as a Christmas movie.
No.
Scarface came out.
Can you check and see what was the release date?
Theatrical.
People were going to the movies and going, that ain't a fucking Christmas movie.
Like, Rudolph's been doing Coke, bro.
Fucking Blitzen just bought an eight ball.
You remember the little guy that's a comedian that was in there?
December 9th, 1983.
Jesus.
And I remember when I saw the commercial, I was living in Aspen.
And it didn't reach up there.
Like, it had gotten, like, they were talking.
Al Pacino said that at the premiere for the critics, that they started walking out at the 30-minute mark, like, in chunks.
And he just kept sinking in his chair from the embarrassment.
He thought it was going to bomb?
Yeah, it was a bomb.
Like, people were like fucking attacking him.
Brian DePalma, Universal, saying it was the worst thing they've ever seen in their life.
The hottest show is Dynasty or something.
Oh, wow.
She showed up.
Oh, really?
Victoria, whatever, the real pretty older woman.
And they interviewed her.
They said, what did you think of the movie?
She goes, well, I left at the hundredth fuck.
Wow.
I think 100 fucks is enough for a person in a lifetime.
There was 4,400 fucks in that movie.
Oh, my God.
They counted them.
4,400 fucks.
They could play that at a wedding, I feel like.
And then what happened was the movie bombed, but the VCR, It came out in February and it just blew up the movie.
And now the movie is in the top 10 all-time sales.
Even though the movie ate a bag of dicks in the fucking box theater, the box office, once it hit DVR, it just, I still remember going to a friend of mine's house.
Did you see the theater on DVR for VCR for?
Brother, the movie came out December 9th, 83. I was living in Aspen.
I got off the plane February 1st, 1984.
And as I got into my buddy's car, he looked at me and he goes, have you seen Scarface yet?
And I go, no.
I saw the commercial.
We went right to this movie theater in Seacaucus called Harmon Cove, right there, right by Newark airport, like 20 minutes from Newark.
I didn't go home.
I didn't unload.
It was the matinee.
It was like the two o'clock movie.
Wow.
We couldn't even sit together.
It was sold out.
We couldn't even sit together.
It was that sold out.
And at that time, it was picking up momentum.
It was February, and it started picking up momentum.
And then I went, it just, when it came out of VCR, I still remember like Theo, you would call me and go, come over Friday.
We're picking up four or eight balls.
I'm going to have a case of booze.
And we would sit there from Friday night at 11 after Miami Vice.
We would go out after Miami Vice and then go back to your house at about two or three broads.
And we would snort Coke and watch Scarface and Godfather 2 the whole weekend.
Damn.
And every time they do a line, we'd do a line.
Wow.
Like that type of shit.
Shit is making my dick wet.
Yeah, those are the good old days, but you can't do that shit no more.
Thank God.
Thank God.
Look, your life has changed.
You're a completely different person.
You don't have the social issues you had anymore.
That's true.
It was all the drugs.
See, now I have the social anxiety.
I get the social anxiety when I go to the store.
But it's been a lot better lately.
Has it been?
Do you, when you think about, oh, there was one thing I was just...
Did you ever work with him?
All the time.
One of my idols.
One of the guys that helped me the most.
I bumped into Angel.
And Angel Salazar, if people don't know, he was Chi-Chi.
Yeah, Chi-Chi in Pacino met him at the thing.
1993.
I'm a struggling comic.
I'm confused about comedy.
I don't know nothing about comedy.
I'm just telling people I'm a comedian.
I'm getting up on stage.
I'm just dying, bombing dicks.
And I go into Hell's Kitchen to cop a bag of Coke because I was working on 57th and like 12th Avenue.
I was selling cars at a Jeep place.
And from there, I would walk through Hell's Kitchen and go to Port Authority.
And one day, it's like July of 93, and I'm walking through Hell's Kitchen.
And who do I see in front of a building but Angel Salazar?
Wow.
And at this time, I knew he was a stand-up.
I knew he was a comedy store guy.
And you've been in Scarface?
He had been in Scarface, and he was Cuban.
And I went up to him and I go, I'm Cuban.
I want to be a comic.
And he shook my hand, and he took the time to be my friend.
And he gave me a fly to come see his show.
And I went and I was blown away.
And then he got me an audition for an improv troupe at the Copacabana.
And I just ate a bag.
I remember paying like $15 to part.
And I had like 13 and quarters.
And going in there, and they like, give us three impersonations.
And me, like, making them believe I'm a job.
Two of them were yourself.
I was just horrible.
I had no idea.
And I would call him and ask him for advice from time to time.
And he would give me a little advice from time to time.
Then I started working with him.
And he is one of the all-time pissers.
I mean, he is really a cocaine savage.
Cowboy.
He's one of the only people that went on to church and did a package in front of Lee.
And Lee's face turned fucking red.
Wow.
Like, that's the only way I can get him on the podcast.
If I got him, he came to town.
He was staying with Stephen Bauer, Manolo, in Scarfield.
Oh, yeah.
He stays with him when he comes to town, and it's right by the office.
They're right by the office.
You know, when you come to my podcast, you can throw a rock to where Stephen Bauer lives.
Wow.
So I had the only way I saw Angel at the store, and he's like, put me in your podcast, but so I kept calling him.
He's hard to wake up in the morning.
Yeah, yeah.
So we had to do it like at 10 o'clock at night, and I had to get Coke from like an old Coke dealer that I knew was fucking Coke from the 70s.
Yeah, some good stuff.
And that's how I got him in there.
And he would go off camera and do little bumps.
And Lee kept looking at me like, like, Lee, that was like Lee's second year in the podcast business.
But the funniest, I mean, I have a thousand angel stories.
I mean, we used to work in El Paso, bro.
I can't even remember.
Dealers would knock on the door.
Everybody wants to give that guy a blow.
It is.
Do you think that part of that kind of like sometimes you live, you have to, you become a role.
Oh, no, no.
He'll tell you.
It's crazy.
He's gotten laid from it.
I mean, it's never stopped.
One of the funniest stories I ever heard was he did Rochester a couple of years ago.
And he says.
And he goes out.
Yeah, the Rochester.
Yeah, I love it up there.
That club.
I love Rochester, bro.
That little walk.
Brother Weez up there, the radio, dude.
Brother Weez is the best.
Dude.
Brother Weez is the best.
And he did the early show Saturday.
And then he told them that he was going to take a nap in between shows.
And they knocked on the door, nothing.
They knocked, nothing.
They kicked the door down.
Angels passed out.
He's bleeding from his nose.
They get him up.
They finally gave him coffee, and he went up there and he bombed.
And then he passed out again.
They put him in his car and left him there.
And he kept saying that they roofied me, man.
Hello.
His opening line is, hello, where's my Spanish people?
Where is my Columbians?
He always go, where's my Puerto Ricans?
Where's my Dominicans?
Where's my Colombians?
I want to talk to you later.
Once they said to raise their hand at Colombians, he'd say, I want to talk to you later.
Bro, we used to get fucked up.
The rumor is he don't even sleep.
He just hangs in his closet upside down.
On the road, when he comes in, like we would work El Paso together.
First thing he does is he shuts all the windows.
Let the luminos fall on the glass.
You know, I mean, he means business.
Damn.
And he'll go all five nights.
Like, I haven't worked with him now.
It's got to be 12 years.
That's a hawk.
Dude, the thing I hated about doing drugs, man, you know what's so funny is last night, man, my thing now sometimes if I get lonely by myself and stuff, I'm by myself, I'll end up watching pornography or something, you know, and I'll shut the blinds and shit because I ain't jerking off with the fucking blinds open, you know, like some kind of, you know, like a fucking camp counselor.
You know what I'm saying?
So I closed shop up.
But then this morning I got up and, you know, and the lights coming against the blinds and it reminded me of all those times I wake up if I was high on cocaine.
Because you've been up all night.
So you wake up, it's like fucking noon and the blinds are closed and the fucking lights just like, and it just, I hated that, man.
I hated waking up with my blinds.
I like to have my blinds in my living room and stuff open now.
So it's like I wake up, the day's right there meeting me in the living room, you know?
It's like, I hated those days when everything was, like you were hiding all day, begging people for Gatorade on the internet.
Bring over some Gatorade.
It's like, I don't even fucking know you.
Trying to meet bitches on Tinder just to get them to bring Gatorade over, bro.
It's crazy how cocaine and comedy could go hand in hand, you know?
And I'm doing comedy 27 years, 28 years.
I haven't done Coke in 11 years this year.
That meant for 17 years, I felt like I cheated on comedy.
Yeah.
It was the weirdest thing because I would never do it before I went on stage.
But it would be in my pocket burning a hole in my life.
And I would go right from the original room.
People would be, hey, great set.
Yeah, good, right.
I would go right to the bathroom.
Me too.
And do two bumps.
Then it'd be okay.
If I had another spot, I wouldn't do it.
I would do it.
I would have that Coke.
That Coke had to be in my pocket at 8 o'clock while I would fall apart at the seams.
Yeah.
And I would put it in my little drug pocket.
Yeah.
And it would stay there unbothered in a little baggy waterproof in case the fucking rain came.
In case the floods came, in case you got biblical, because they'll break out of fucking.
Yeah, in case Louisiana all over again, I'm on the tie afloat and waving at the airport.
Fucking I'm here, cop sucking.
Dude, how great would that be?
You're on the news.
They're like showing you and you're just down there doing Coke and they're fucking waving at the helicopters.
Like, how many videos are there of the news during Katrina where there's just a bunch of brothers just blowing a fucking blunt and they fucking couldn't put it on?
And just yelling up, you can't stop me, bitch.
Who the fuck would even have a blunt?
That was terrible, and it's going to happen again.
Yeah.
You know, like this year, the storms are getting stronger and fucking stronger every year.
Well, I think Mother Nature doesn't like some of the stuff that we got going on sometimes.
I don't think she likes some of the energy.
And look, she's a fucking tough lady.
She's a hardworking woman, man.
She'll correct it when she needs to, you know.
It's wild, bro.
But yeah, I'm so grateful for you, man.
I just appreciate you always being cool with me, man, and being supportive, bro.
How can I not?
You know, my father's from Nicaragua.
You know that?
Yeah, yeah, I know.
That's why he had you at 74. Them spics don't never stop fucking.
They don't give a fuck.
They'll fuck on Social Security and everything.
Spanish people, they'll fuck on Social Security.
They don't give a fuck.
Listen, we get $128 a month.
We'll make it work.
You know what I'm saying?
I'll take care of them.
Dude, what if one day, what if I could learn Spanish, okay?
Okay.
And maybe five, eight years from now, we did like a Central American tour, like a fundraiser or something down there.
Would you do it, you think?
Well, I got no passport.
Oh, yeah.
I can't stir the fucking pot, man.
I got a lot of skeletons in that closet.
Oh, yeah.
And that passport closet, there's a lot of skeletons.
Why get Trump pissed off with anybody?
You know what I'm saying?
I got in.
I'm good.
I don't need to go anywhere.
That's great.
You want to go to fucking England?
That's great.
I can't do shit, but it's good that you learn Spanish anyway.
Yeah, I want to learn.
It's good that you learn a language anyway.
My dad used to talk it all the time when I was young, man.
I loved hearing him talk it.
Listen, man, the only language that don't help you is fucking Latin.
But you take Latin if you're a genius, if you're going to be like an engineer or something like that.
But just, you know, it's like when you become an attorney.
I was telling Rogan, if you go to UCLA tomorrow and go, I want to become an attorney.
A lot of your curriculum is math because they're teaching you how to solve problems.
Right.
So you're going to go, why am I learning all this fucking math?
Well, I'm getting into law.
So yeah, you're a history major, but you're going to have to do a ton of math work because it just adds up to that shit.
I don't even know why we got on this.
No, it's good.
I mean, it's like, yeah, I think about Latin sometimes it helps you just into kind of know words immediately.
You know, when I first started out in college, I wanted to do Latin and do all of this shit.
And then like halfway in, I fucking thought I was going to be, I got a job as a bus boy in Tucson, and I thought I was going to be the best fucking bus boy in the world.
That was my goal at one point.
I was like, I'm going to be the best.
I'm going to be busing in fucking London, bussing tables.
Like, I had these dreams.
Are you serious?
You're a bus boy in Tucson?
Yeah.
Yeah, dude.
I used to live.
My mom used to live off of Golf Links off like on East Pantano, like way out there on the east side.
In Tucson, Arizona.
Yeah.
Because I went to college.
Really?
Oh, really?
He lives in Tucson.
I call him.
It's not a guy Sam Fox.
Fox isn't his name, is it?
No, no, no, no, Novella.
Because they had a guy, Fox.
I used to work for.
I could fucking kidnap that dude, but he was also kind of cool, too.
Tucson used to have one of the craziest comedy rooms of all time.
It was called Bugsies.
Yeah?
On Tuesday nights, you had to give him a bug to get in.
Uh-uh.
Yeah.
A real bug?
A bug.
Rudy Marino used to book the room.
If you showed up with a bug, he'll let you in for free.
Oh, dude.
Oh, my God.
The guy that ran the place had to weigh 900 pounds.
He had like eight necks, but he had cocaine that would make you go fucking blind.
That was all cortisol in his neck from doing Coke.
It was hilarious.
He had the best Coke in the world.
I love that.
It was $150 for the night, and there was three comics.
We all got paid the same.
Guess who I remember going down there with, like my second or third time, and he got the virginized Mincia.
Fluffy.
Really?
That's how young Gabriel was.
Wow.
We took him down there one time and he came back.
He was pale.
I was like, man, I got my dick sucked.
He was like 18 hanging out with Uncle Joey and shit.
That's when Southwest used to have the seats that would face you.
Oh, yeah.
Remember those?
That was so much fun.
What happened to that?
Well, I'll tell you what happened.
I went to Chicago like in 2001, and that's when the breath strips were out with the THC.
Oh, yeah.
So they would stick together.
And one day I ate a breath strip, and I thought it was one, but it was like nine of them.
And I got on a plane.
That's when they had a direct flight from Chicago to Burbank.
Did you know that one time?
Southwest had a no, I'm lying to you.
It went from Chicago, Burbank to Vegas to Chicago.
So you could work a club on the south side.
It wouldn't land at Ohio.
It wouldn't land at the main Chicago airport.
It would land.
Midway.
Midway.
Yeah.
So you could go from Burbank.
What the fuck story was I'm going to tell you?
Southwest, you're going to go there.
Gabriel, you said Gabriel, you took one of those.
That could be your next special.
I took one of that.
It was nine.
It was like me, Gabriel.
I'm not forgetting.
It was like me, Gabe, Martin Moreno.
It had to be like eight comics he brought in for this little festival.
This club's not even open no more.
It was on the south side, tremendous across from a white castle next to a steak and shake.
We used to get fucking stoned.
And I remember getting on the plane and eating the edible.
And it was me, like Martin and Gabriel.
And we were sitting across from three like old women.
And all of a sudden, the edible started hitting me, right?
And I'm 380.
I'm fucking huge at the time.
Really?
That must have been miserable.
Oh, I had to be 380.
Dude, I can't TV.
You went to jail and you had to live in that body?
That's fucking too sad.
No, no, when I went to jail, I was in good shape.
This is like 10 years ago, 15 years.
And I'll never forget taking my shirt off.
And the sweat was pouring down me.
And these little old ladies were just looking at the floor.
And there I am fucking sweating.
Another time I went to Delpha out of Red Eye and I took an edible.
And I got so hungry, I ate a pack of cinnamon certs.
And that's a mistake, dog.
Don't ever eat a pack of cinnamon certs.
The whole thing, cinnamon makes you sweat like a motherfucker.
Really?
Dog, I started sweating on a plane.
There was a little gay guy next to me, and he had like little lenses, and he was asleep.
You know how gay people put those little things on their eyes.
I had to take my shirt off.
There I am in first class with the blanket up to my stomach.
My tits are out.
You could feel the beads.
I remember getting off the plane in Miami the next morning and my pants were fucking wet.
And the waitress, the stewardess, would just walk in the halls, look at me and give me a water.
She knew how fucked up I was.
Dude, my buddy and his brother used to get so fucked up on Coke in Miami then they'd go up to the hotel room, put on diapers, bro, because they kept shitting themselves and just go back down to the fucking dance floor.
Just partying with diapers full of shit, bro, just dancing.
And they could dance, bro.
I mean, these boys could fucking dance.
But who wants to dance with somebody who smells like shit?
But I think they stop moving.
That shit steps fake.
Bro, I used to get coked up with a dude.
That's what it's like to be, I think they were Latinos for sure.
I used to get coked up with a dude that used to put a string on his wrist.
And the string would go to the doorknob.
So if you tried to open the doorknob, his string.
Bro, I used to get high with some crazy people.
I used to get high with his brother, who was bald.
And his brother would be talking to him like we'd be doing Coke.
Like, yeah, yeah.
And also need go.
Thank you.
And he'd be like, what would he go?
And he'd smack himself because he kept thinking flies were winged on his head.
He would smack himself 80 fucking times a night and we would laugh at every fucking time.
And after he'd smack himself, he'd go, bro, he used to put balloons.
He lived on the 34th floor.
I had another friend, Kurt.
He's dead now.
Rest in peace.
Good dude.
He used to get so paranoid that he would put little parachutes on his cocaine.
So if the cop came, he would throw it out the window.
And the little parachutes would fly.
I mean, that's the shit that was the 80s, you know?
God, the 80s is good, bro.
It's fucking craziness how that shit just took over.
Everything was so much fun back then.
I feel like there was so much more mystery and intrigue when I was growing up than there is now.
Like now, there's not a lot, a ton of room for even your imagination because everything is, you don't have to wonder anything.
There's no, like back in the day, a rumor, like the rumor was one of the most popular forms of like information, you know?
Like I remember rumors was like.
Like I never like, my friend was a surgeon.
He was on the cut his ass open.
But I remember, dude, I would start shit.
I remember going on camping trips and the day we would leave, I'd be like, you know, Jay Leno died.
And everybody'd be like, no fucking way.
And we'd be out in the woods for a week and everybody would think that Jay Leno died.
And I knew he didn't, dude.
And we would have these fucking things and we'd stay up at night talking about, you know, the tonight show and shit like that.
And then they get back and be like, he wasn't dead.
And I remember people being like, that's psychotic to do that.
Remember when Chuck Liddell was the king of the world?
Yeah.
Well, one day, Eddie Bravo's having dinner with Eddie, with Dana White.
You know how Eddie Bravo is a big Fidel Castro fan.
Is he really?
Yeah.
Dude, Fidel came and spoke to me one time.
I went to Cuba once.
Did he really speak to you?
Well, when fucking Fidel died, I call him up.
I go, Eddie, do you know Fidel died?
He thought I said Liddell.
He looks at Dana White.
He goes, Chuck, Liddell's dead.
I'll call you back.
When did you go to Cuba?
I was a student.
We went there and then they had like a big thing at the University in Havana.
And then Fidel Chemist spoke to our students, just to our group.
It was like five hours.
They had this thing we had to listen to so we could hear what was going on.
He was an interpreter.
They had fucking, I think, horse meat in the other room.
People in there fucking getting a little bit of cut of horse and they're fucking putting it in their jaw.
People are outside just partying and drinking.
They served alcohol at it, and they had an interpreter, yeah.
And he just basically just told us how great, basically a lot of numbers about how good Cuba was.
You know, it's like literally for four hours he spoke.
Oh, he could, he wouldn't shut up.
He was like, giving him a line of Coke.
Yeah.
You could never shut that motherfuck up.
You know, on Sundays, he would hold like these things and he would talk for eight hours about the numbers of the country.
Yeah.
What's going on?
What's going on in Russia?
What's going on in the United States?
He's very intelligent.
Yeah.
You have to sit there and applaud.
Oh, really?
Yeah, you have to sit there and pay attention and applaud.
Yeah, the balcony was all cute.
They'd be watching you and shit to make sure that, you know, it was fun, man.
We had so much fun in the city, man.
We went to a baseball game.
And what else did we do?
Oh, I remember we were walking around, just hanging out, you know, drinking, you know, Havana Club, you know, or whatever, you know, people.
What year is this?
This is 2002.
So just walking around and there's some people hanging out in the alley that are kind of dancing and partying a little bit.
So, we go over there and we think it's like a family, it's like a birthday cake and stuff.
So, we're singing, you know, cumplianos, everybody's having a nice time.
We think, oh, we're, you know, we're in a different country, we're celebrating some guy's birthday.
Then, one of the dudes at the birthday starts eating this lady out, fucking just, and we're like, this ain't, and we're like, oh, these are these are escorts.
Like, we didn't know.
We thought it was like a family.
And next thing, we're all dancing with these fucking ladies and shit.
We think it's like a grandmother, like a fucking birthday party.
Next thing you know, one of the guys goes down with a lady's waist a little low and fucking just starts eating her pussy right there.
We're like, what the fuck, bro?
Welcome to Cuba.
Yeah, this shit is fucking awesome.
I was talking to somebody last year.
I went to a party and there was boats.
And next thing you know, there was a girl fucking a guy in the boat.
I didn't know what to do.
Get in there.
Jump in or fucking call 911.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Just stand there.
You can stand there.
You're going to stand and let somebody get that dick suck.
At least go and put a finger in their ass.
At least cheer for them.
You know?
My buddy.
We got some calls and stuff that came in.
Joey, you mind if we jump to a couple of them?
We got some calls and questions that came in.
Let's hit some of the...
These are some live raised fan lines that came in.
Hey guys, Luke here, content you from Spain.
Joey, how do you reckon Theo would handle himself in the streets of New Jersey when you were growing up?
How do you think he'd do?
Not saying he's a pussy or anything, but he doesn't seem to be dealing with those putters over firing the kid very well.
What was the question?
He said, how do you think Theo would do in the streets of New Jersey when you were growing up?
And you can be honest.
Perfectly, because you had a sense of humor.
Oh, wow.
You either had to be tough or you had to be funny.
I wasn't tough, but I was funny.
Yeah.
And I had heart and balls, and I could steal, so they left me alone.
I think I could definitely check at least three of those boxes.
You can make somebody laugh.
Yeah, people love that.
People love that shit.
Dude, that's one of the things that always, I feel like, acclimated, like when I, it was easy for me to acclimate sometimes around black culture in my area because, you know, a lot of us were on the same kind of financial level.
You know, they had more like generational, you know, deficit, I think, because just, you know, generation after generation of being black in the South was like really tough.
Just tough, very tough.
Just tough.
Very tough being black anyway.
Like when I came from Cuba, I learned about.
Did they have black people there?
In Cuba?
Yeah.
That's where black people were invented.
Oh, wow.
You know, I mean, look at half of Cuba.
Half of them were my color.
Yeah, they got that.
More of the half, they look like Julius Irving.
Yeah.
Because they were brought over with the slaves and then it mixed into the culture.
Yeah.
When you're Cuban, when you take a DNA test, you're not going to like the results if you're white.
You're not really going to like the results.
But I know the results because I grew up there.
I know the people.
You know, my uncle, my mom was like you, but her brother has kinky hair and it's like cat blood.
And I have two cats that are Siamese.
They're brothers.
One looks like a Siamese.
The other guy looks like a leopard.
Because every eight generations, that leopard blood comes out with the spots.
Wow.
You know, my other sister, my sister, same mother, same father.
My sister's dark.
Really?
Yeah, my sister's dark.
Oh, that's beautiful.
That's cold.
They have the band in Cuba, Ethan and Eki Alfonso.
Emmy, the sister, is dark.
Eki, who's on Anthony Bourdain, when he goes to Cuba because he owns a bar, the Factoria, he's light-skinned.
So now, Cubans are very racist.
Are they really?
Oh.
And is it against the skin tone or is it against...
That's why if you watch, like, if you ever go on Netflix, there's a show called Celia about Celia Cruz.
It's brilliant because it shows you Cuba in the 40s, like when they told her, you're a little too dark to be singing.
Wow.
And then she started singing.
And the guy was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second.
They're like, we're a little too white to be listening.
You know, it's really interesting when you watch that show about how homosexuality, that shit didn't fly in Cuba.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
But they have the best homos of all these guys all the time.
But it didn't fly.
Like, they killed the brother.
They never let you know what happened to her brother, but they killed him.
And I know as a kid, I had an uncle that would tell me that if you were gang, you or your parents would take your shark fishing and throw you off the boat.
Like, it was...
Like I've met Cubans in Pasadena that I've brought Cuban, Afro, Cuban music to their house, and they're like, take it off.
They can't handle it.
They know they have the black blood in them, but they don't want to be reminded.
Oh, wow.
Me, I use it to my advantage.
That's who I am.
If it wasn't for Richard Pryor, I wouldn't be here.
If it wasn't for Julius Irving, I wouldn't be here.
If it wasn't for Red Fox, I wouldn't be here.
If it wasn't for Al Green, I wouldn't be here.
These are all part of people who make my comedy up.
Straight up, gangsta.
Julius Irving is what I drew on stage.
I take it to the hoop.
We ain't got no time to fuck around.
What slam Duncan on your fucking ass?
I remember you told me there's a great, and I watched it too, there's a great all-star game where him and Pistol Pete played together.
Pistol Pete was the best.
That was my dog.
That was when he played black.
Yeah.
That was the thing.
Pistol Pete.
Yeah, he was the first white guy to play black.
That played black with a white mind, but black dribbling.
And he wasn't fast.
I mean, he could, ask him, look up.
He run the 40 in two days.
Yeah.
Took him two days to bring lunch.
He had to bring lunch.
But it didn't matter because he used black body movements to shake you.
Yeah, hear this.
He had to shake and the dribble.
There's a scene when he sees Julius Irving and he fakes the Bob McAdoo and he just flips it behind his back.
That was his shit.
So when that all-star game, they just made a mistake.
They put a white dude, they put a black dude that was dressed up as a white dude on the NBA East team.
And he just fucked him up.
He just, it was his game, you know.
And if you watch it, he only had four assists.
I read the box scores of that.
But watch what he was doing that game.
Beautiful.
Pistol peep.
Oh, yeah.
Blacking it up.
That's that black culture.
That's half of what I got.
That's why I can never be red.
Half of what I do is black.
A little bit is Chinese.
A little bit is Santeria.
A little bit is fucking Jewish.
I'm a fucking Jeet Kuno.
Oh, you're a fucking 9% Halloween.
Yeah, I'm 9% Halloween.
And I do Devil's Night.
I hit you with a sock with flour.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm a Devil's Night type of motherfucker.
Halloween's for fucking kids.
Devil's Night.
You got a fucking full moon in your asshole, bro.
Oh, yeah.
Devil's Night.
Devil's Night.
You're supposed to stab a motherfucker.
The next year, you got a badge.
That's the original old school.
Oh, really?
Oh, yeah.
The old school was that's when you hit somebody in the head with a pipe.
Wow.
That's been pissing you off for a year.
Devil's Night.
Before Halloween.
The 30th.
Devil's Night.
And then you get some candy.
The next year is like, good luck.
It's like Chinese.
It's like the year of the fucking stick.
Chinese, bro.
Dude, I was just in China.
A dude, I saw a dude pick his nose and feed it to a fucking cat, bruh.
And the cat ate it, and it was like, but that's China, you know?
China's like the thing you're walking with your buddy.
He dies.
You fucking make a soup.
A couple people eat and you fucking cruise.
And nobody knows nothing.
And nobody knows nothing.
And the guy's honored to die and be part of one week.
What'd you think?
I loved it, man.
But they're a forward-moving place.
Like, you can't get citizenship there.
Nobody's coming into China.
Like, China's doing, they're ready to take over the world, but not in like a fucked up way.
Like, I don't think they're, it doesn't seem like the people are thinking about it in a military sense.
They're just like, we are Chinese.
We are proud.
You know, we just keep moving forward.
You need something built right there.
We'll fucking build it.
We'll build it 100 stories high.
You know, it doesn't matter.
Like, we'll die nine times.
We'll be reincarnated.
Whatever we got to do to just keep it moving.
Tell me how many nights are the seven?
Keep it moving.
Three nights.
You just went by yourself.
It was great.
Yeah, we went over there and they got a group over there called Cine, Sine Productions or whatever, Promotions.
Dude, they do it.
It's great.
They flew me first class, put me up, oh, bro, beautiful places.
I never even stayed.
Dude, some of the hotels, fucking place is so expensive, I couldn't even sleep, you know?
Like 600 bucks.
At least enjoy to walk around the room.
This thing's $600 a fucking night.
You know?
They had like nine light switches in there, dude.
It's like a fucking, I don't know where I was.
It was insane, bro.
You could spend 40 minutes just fucking turning on all the lights.
It's fucking crazy what we do for a living.
It is, man.
It gets really interesting.
Let's take another couple calls if you don't mind.
I got a piece, so we'll take one more and we'll get the fuck out of here.
You got it.
Let's do it.
Suggestions I can give my wife.
Joey, what's some good advice or some suggestions I can give my wife for her first psychedelic trip?
Appreciate it, man.
Love you guys.
Whoa.
It's like I'm living in an aquarium.
see that guy right there first thing for a psychedelic trip is for his wife for Just make it easy for her, but then fuck with her once she's high.
Yeah.
Oh, wait, I think you told me a story about this one time.
Yeah, when my first wife in San Francisco in 85, we took some grateful deadass and we went to a party.
I was very nice to her.
You said her stepdad was at the airport.
I kept telling her, don't you have to pick your father up at the airport?
And she's like, let's go.
And then she'd go, what time is he coming in?
I mean, I had this poor girl going.
Then there was a poster of Bruce Lee on the wall.
And I kept looking at Bruce Lee going, don't say nothing to her.
No, no, come on, bro.
Don't, don't, talk, don't say nothing to her.
She can't handle it.
She would look at me like, what's he saying?
I don't know.
Don't listen to him.
I put that girl.
That's the girl that I wrote the letter to.
Oh, I bet it is.
Because I put her through death.
Man, I remember one time we were living in San Francisco.
I was living in the hate Ashbury, and I was just a professional thief in the daytime.
I bartended two nights a week at Rock and Robins.
But there was all these Cuban refugees that sold nickel bags, and I was the interpreter.
My job was to go to Japan City, whatever, and I would pass out traveler's checks.
So they would bring me stolen traveler's checks, and they couldn't do it because they were Cuban.
They didn't know the language.
I would take a $50 traveler's check, pay $4, and then they give me $46 in change.
Oh, wow.
That's the old school.
And traveler's checks, you can't.
It would take a while to come back to it.
This is what you do with traveler's checks.
You go to the bank, get $1,000 worth of traveler's checks.
Go to your hotel rooms.
I'll come over, kick the door down.
I take the traveler's checks.
I give you $5,000, and then you get another $1,000.
Because they were guaranteed, they could, oh, they would be stolen in the old days.
It was a scam to have.
So I would go to you.
We got $500 today.
Let's go buy some traveler's checks.
You have to file a police report, but then they'll give you it.
It was a lot easier in 85 than it is now.
Now they probably, you got to go give a finger test and see DNA.
But back then, there was no American Express traveler's checks.
Yeah.
I remember hearing about this on television.
I'll never forget one night, like, we were at this Cuban dude's house and we were snorting Coke, and she was sitting there with me.
And this Cuban dude goes, not for nothing, but your wife doesn't say much.
I go, she's deaf.
She wasn't deaf.
She just didn't speak Spanish.
Oh, yeah.
So the guy looks at me, he goes, he's all coked up.
He's like, I don't know if you know this.
I work with deaf people in Cuba, right?
Right?
So she's like, I'm like, talk to her in deaf language.
And he's like, and he's doing all these noises and shit.
And all of a sudden, she's like looking at me and I go, she goes, what do I do?
And I go, just throw some hand signals and fuck with him.
And she's like, and all of a sudden he looks at me and goes, I never studied that language.
Fuck him.
Do you miss anything about your first wife?
Like, was there some cool stuff about her?
Yes.
We were kids.
Yeah.
We were kids.
Being kids is fun.
We were kids.
We were in love, you know.
Yeah, that kid love, that young love.
It's like, 21, 22. Yeah.
It just went somewhere.
And she grew up and I didn't.
That's what happened.
If you want to know the truth, she grew up and I didn't.
And we wasn't the type of person you want to be around back then.
Yeah.
So, yeah, there's little things.
I missed the bitch was from Buffalo.
Nobody made a wing like her.
She made wings in a wok.
And she made blue cheese dressing from scratch with coronavirus.
You've never seen nothing like that.
And I'd watch Delirious.
This is way before stand-up comedy.
I'd read videos and watch shit, and she'd cook those wings, and she'd make fucking thousands of those wings in a fucking wok.
She was a great lady, and we have a great daughter together.
You know, I don't talk to her, but she's in my thoughts.
God gave me a second chance.
Yeah.
And that's why I got to get the fuck out of here because I got to go to Korea to see you before we tie and swimming and the whole fucking deal.
So, I'm happy I came down here to see you, man.
I fell in love with you a long time ago, and now I'm happy because my senses were right.
I picked three winners, I picked a lot of guys, I picked you, I picked Kate, I picked Dean Delray.
You know, you guys are hustlers, you're honest.
I could see that comedy store, you know, it lets you see I see a lot of people who fake the funk up there, man.
Yeah, you see them.
You see a lot of who fake the funk up there.
You actually see people who go up there that wish we do bad.
You watch them in the back of the room.
That comedy store has a lot of different angles.
It teaches you how to be a lot of things.
But the thing that you get the most is that the camaraderie you and I have, we couldn't have a better camaraderie.
We came out of the same snatch.
This is real.
Yeah.
This is real.
I cheer for you.
Yeah, same.
When you came to see me do the Netflix special, you paid out of your pocket.
You cheered for me.
Yeah.
That's something that people, real comics, a lot of comics, I love this work.
I'm listening to Theo.
You don't have to say that.
You don't have to say that.
No, that doesn't mean anything.
You don't have to say nothing.
I know who's making the fuck.
Yeah.
And I know who's only going to be there temporary.
And I know who's going to be there with me to the end.
I know the person who comes up to me and says at the end, bro, that joke is badass.
I know he means it.
I also know the person that comes up and says, Theo, you were great on, I'm dying up here.
When you walk by, they're like, fucking redneck sack of shit.
That's the truth.
That survives at the comedy store.
You were great in that.
And when you walk by, he's a fucking piece of shit.
He probably blew somebody's fucking, fucking half a fag.
That's the other angle of it.
So you have to learn how to deal with all that, be a comic, and remember, be the biggest thing.
That's, I'm a man.
Before I became a comic, this, that, a felon.
We're men.
And we got to act like fucking men.
Yeah, I think that's one thing that I, you know, like, that you don't need, you kind of covertly, like, you know, I think you infuse that, like, you know, even just hearing you tell your stories, knowing, you know, recognizing you got a second chance with some stuff, with some family stuff.
And like, you know, that stuff is like, you know, low-key, like inspiring, you know, because, you know, yes, you know, for me personally, you know, I live in some of those worlds and I just feel, you know, scared and nervous, but, you know, I do know you do make, you always make me feel like I have a friend and that I have somebody that cares.
And like, you know, if I'm, if I'm friends with you to the end of my life, man, I'll be honored, you know?
No, this is, listen, man, I lost, God took away my family, but he showed me the gift of friendship.
Yeah.
And the gift of friendship is beautiful.
People just misuse it, mishandle it, and they don't know how to handle it.
Yeah.
You have acquaintances and you have friends and you have people you live and breathe for.
I breathe for you.
I breathe for Lee.
I breathe for Kate Quigley.
Joe Rogan, I'll stand in front of a ball.
Ari Shafia, I will take that bullet from the comedy store and shoot you 12 times.
You mess with Ari Shafia.
You mess with my Jew, I'll fucking kill you.
You mess with Duncan, I'll put a bullet in you.
You mess with Eddie, I'll shoot you to death.
You touch Red Band, I will fucking personally send you to Mars.
I will call somebody that lights people on fires for a living for $5,000.
You touched on it.
Waygo Frankie, baby.
People have no idea what it is living for some breathing for somebody.
Everything in this Hollywood talent is amazing is that you ain't shit.
That's why when the shit turns, you know, look at now.
So somebody accuses Theo of something and I got to hate Theo?
No, that's not how it works.
I know Theo 20 years.
I'm going to back Theo.
If something happens to me and an agent fires me and I'm with that agency and hasn't, I would fire that agent because they don't back their people.
That's what we don't have anymore.
Did he really touch your pussy?
Prove it, and I'm still with him.
What the fuck are you talking about?
But we live in a society out here that we don't have nothing.
We only have friends as hot as our career gets.
If we get hot, then they talk to you.
I don't want you to talk to me.
I want you to talk to me when I was broke.
Those are the people I talked to today.
The people that were my friends when I would go up to the comic store and go, Theo, let me $3 so I could get a gram of Coke.
I got 17. If you give me 3, I'd get a 20. I'd give you 3 forever, man.
I love you.
Thank you.
I'll give you two, man.
I wouldn't drive down here for anybody else but you.
You know that.
You know I hate fucking driving.
I came down here for you and for your fans and your family.
Yeah, we appreciate it, man.
We got a lot of young listeners that love you.
I got this hat, too, man, that a buddy of mine made.
It's from my friend's company called Hood Hats, but they make dope hats, and nobody else has that hat, man.
It says West Hollywood Comedy Store.
This is it.
It's one of a kind.
Thank you very much.
I love you, man.
Thanks for coming on.
I love you.
Thank you for having me on.
Yeah, I'll see you soon.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to sell that parking break and let myself all mine shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song out.
I will stay there just for you.
And I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of mine.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your Partner, the answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends, sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Hi, I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
