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Oh, man, sometimes, sometimes life is such an undertaking, isn't it?
You know, you have those moments you'll be cruising.
You know, and your life feels good and you're just wearing your life around your neck like a, you know, just like a fox, like a fox fur.
And somebody's like, damn, is that a fox around your neck?
And you're like, nah, that's my life.
You know, I've got my life so tamed that it just hangs around my neck like a fox.
And then sometimes, dude, your life is just a fucking fragile, you know, even in just in an instant, man.
You can get just so just, you know, you can get keyed up, irrational, fired up, frazzled, fraggled.
You can get that fraggle going.
I'm here in Shanghai, man.
This is fragile central.
I mean, this place, imagine everything, everything.
Pick something, okay, that.
And then a million other things.
And all of a sudden, everything happens at one time.
At one time.
It's like the Big Bang, but it's all over.
And that's what's happened here in Shanghai, China.
But you got to seize it.
You just got to, however it's coming in, I have to seize it.
I have to take it.
It's life.
I have to take it.
I just have to take it exactly as it comes.
I can't adjust how it comes.
I can only adjust how it's received.
C'est la guerre, baby.
And that means that's French.
For so is la vie is life.
So is life.
Oh, c'est la guerre is so is war.
I don't know.
Fuck the French, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, not 100% really fuck them, but also, you know, nobody really likes them.
But let's go onward.
Ah.
I ain't seen home in about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
And I ain't made a dollar I ain't spent.
But where it's going ain't killed me yet.
I still get where I'm bound to go.
however it comes.
I'm making wrong feel right.
You gotta make Rome feel right.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Most all of my plans slip right through my hands and wind up next to me broken on the ground.
That's how it's coming.
If this bottle was an hourglass, I'd say that I'm about an hour past the minute.
I should have put it down.
Come on now.
But I'm making it.
I'm making it.
I'm making it.
I feel right.
I'm making it.
And it helps where I'm heading in.
I'm making good time.
Making good time, man.
And that's it right there.
I'm making it.
That's what I'm doing tonight here and right now, whenever this is.
And I'm coming to you from Shanghai.
China, baby.
Think about it.
China.
China.
Where fish, they have, you know, where a lot of fish hang out and people catch them.
You know, I got into China and I came here to do some shows.
And I get into Shanghai.
It's nighttime.
And Shanghai, imagine you're in a pinball machine and there are like 24 million balls in there and you are exhausted and you want to find something to eat.
Got in, started walking around.
I couldn't even, there was too much going on.
There's like, there's, they have, you know, older people that look young and young.
You know, they had a baby that looked about, I mean, this baby might have been 86. This might have been an 86-year-old baby, dude.
And he was carrying a bunch of hay on his back.
And they have, you know, people are on rickshaws, people are on horseback.
People are on each other's backs.
You know, one guy gave another guy a couple dollars and he was riding him, who fucking knows?
I guess however far the guy could carry him.
You know, that's a, I've heard of Uber.
This is like Uber.
Like, hey, here's a dollar.
You, Burr.
You know, let's go.
This is where I'm going.
Fucking giddy up.
It's just, it's magical here.
It's everything.
Imagine everything.
Imagine everything you've ever known.
And now imagine it's right here.
It's China, baby.
Anything can happen.
Someone's, and there's so many people.
Like, somebody will sneeze and seven people will fall out of their mouth.
And you're like, holy shit.
People are traveling via sneeze now.
You know, Gazum family.
It's just like that.
So many people, so much going on.
And we're staying right here, like in Times Square.
I'm basically staying on this place.
It's called Nanjing Road.
And it's basically like in the it's yeah, it's like the Times Square of New York.
So it's definitely like a touristy area to stay in.
But man, just so, and they try to say, they have everything you ever wanted to buy, even shit that doesn't exist.
You know, you could get a, you could get a baby diaper that sorts coins.
Like, oh, that baby just took a shit.
Did he?
Yeah, but it's about 1,100 nickels worth.
You know, it's like you could get you could get a, you could get mittens for a cat.
You know what I'm saying?
What's he going to do with that?
Except probably just feel trapped, really, you know, trapped.
You know, feel like he's in four little bitty traps.
I mean, anything you want here, they got it.
It's Shanghai, baby.
It's absolutely Shanghai.
You can get soap that will predict the future.
Imagine that.
You got a bar of soap, you shine it up.
Next thing you know, fucking bad ah, boy.
You got that crystal ball action in your dome and you see yourself maybe getting a job as a wedding planner or event planner and you never knew it before.
And all you did was crack in to a bar of suddy suds.
Anything's happened.
They got it all.
All, man.
We took a train, took a train over to a place called Shaman.
Shalman.
And the train is nice when you go through the countryside and you see, I can't even, you A lot of buildings, there's no windows in them.
There's no people.
There's nothing.
And apparently, like, when you buy a building here, you buy the building.
That's it.
You buy, like, the walls, everything else you put in.
And when you leave, you can take it all with you.
I'm talking everything.
And you just see, I mean, thousands of buildings like that, just sitting off into the countryside.
No wasted space.
Near Shanghai, there's not an inch of wasted space.
I mean, if, you know, like every, you know, you'll have a gymnasium, then you'll have a garden, then you'll have a cemetery.
Actually, I didn't see any cemeteries.
So they must do cremation, do they?
Bro, you're dead.
You're not fucking getting...
You're out of your mind.
But it's just, it's amazing.
Yeah, the train ride was beautiful.
I even wrote some notes, man, just because there's been so much going on.
And there's everything outside.
There's everything.
There's like, there's, you know, they got fancy businessmen come here, you know, and they have sex tourism.
Sex tourists.
People come here looking for sex and doing exotic sex.
You know, and the kind of stuff where, you know, I'm talking cirque de sex.
You know what I'm saying?
Somebody will, you know, trapeze off the side of a building and just land on your dick or land up in your crotch.
You know what I'm saying?
You can have a dude, you know, backflip off of a fucking, you know, you can pay a dude $40 backflip out of a treehouse and land in your ass.
It's that kind of thing.
It's just sheer magic.
And they have everything you want.
They have edible socks, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
So you wear your socks all day.
Next thing you know, you break them bitches off, throw them in the skillet, to-dale.
That's fucking foot bacon, baby.
Cut two slices of that, and you're in bed.
And you're ready for the next day.
Nothing goes unused here.
Man, I realize how wasteful I am.
Dude, I saw a man pick his nose, okay, and then feed it to a cat.
And that is, that is China.
In a nutshell for me, that's China.
Man gets in there and gets out a clean little freaking, you know, that baby body orb, you know, that little boogua.
And then gave that bitch to a cat.
Nothing is off limits in China.
You know what I'm saying?
That's a fucking, that dude pulled a little baby Salisbury fucking steak out of his nostril and just fed it to a cat.
That's, I mean, that's damn, that's that cat caviar when you dropping bug bugs into a feline.
And that's China.
And I'm not saying that to denounce China or to shame.
I'm saying that it's just everything is of use.
There is no waste here.
You see somebody spit out of a window, you see a thirsty person just catch it in their mouth.
It's like that.
It's teamwork to the, and it's really teamwork.
It's teamwork to the end.
Everything is used.
You know, everything is used, man.
It's remarkable.
And the people, man, I can't tell if the people are rude or friendly or shy or confused or they just don't care.
You know, I notice as an American, sometimes we go places and I'm having some water.
I notice as Americans, we go places and we're so like, like it's not really about, you know, we're just so worried about ourselves that if someone doesn't interact with us, it seems like, oh, is, you know, is something wrong with me?
Do they not like me?
I think in China, they don't even fucking think about us.
They don't care.
You know, they don't not care, but it's just they're living their lives, man.
They're just cruising.
You know, definitely, it's just baffling.
You know, it's baffling, dude.
But they have everything here, man.
They got a hat that can spell check.
Imagine that, dude.
Imagine having a fucking hat on, not being able to spell, bedale.
Today, I'll motherfucker.
Now you are John Irving.
Now you are anyone you want to be.
Michael Crichton.
Shell Silverston.
You know, I'm saying the giving tree, bitch.
I got fucking vowels on my head.
I got consonants fucking dripping off the back of my neck.
You got a hat that can spell check.
They have, imagine every product that's ever been, you know, we get products in America that are made, you know, and it's finished.
It's a finalized product and it's all attached and all the advertising.
Dude, they got shit here.
They got a scarf that'll kill your cousin.
Imagine that.
You got that nasty cousin.
Because everybody got that nasty cousin, you know?
The kind of cousin that'll pick his nose, show it to a cat, but then, yeah, have it for himself.
You know what I'm saying?
He'll just boog up his own throat.
But now they got a secret scarf.
And you give him that thing, you know, for Christmas or for Hanukkah or for, you know, Botswana or whatever, Kwanzaa, sorry.
You know, you give him that hitter.
You give him that fucking neck piece.
And he's wearing it for two, three weeks.
You know, he's at the bar.
He's fucking, you know, doing whatever nasty cousins do.
If you got a nasty cousin, you know what I'm saying?
He's probably doing crazy shit, like, you know, painting his, you know, maybe putting like, you know, what would a nasty cousin do?
Probably painting racial slurs on his legs and stuff.
And even having pants on, but even just knowing that under his pants, he's got all these racial slurs on his legs.
And what would a nasty cousin do?
You know, probably, you know, when a parent gives their baby the bottle and the baby's enjoying the bottle in the other room, the nasty cousins sneak in and have a, you know, have about maybe three ounces of that milk.
And the baby's only got six ounces.
And they got this nasty cousin in there fucking swigging down 50% of that leche.
Come out.
So now you give him that, you give him that scarf.
And he thinks it's, you know, he thinks it's just a unique scarf.
You know, he thinks it's that fucking just tinsel for your neck.
It's that year-long tinsel.
You know, it's that year-long tinsel for your fucking neck.
But then, put out, suddenly he's taking a walk and you got a button at home.
That one button, you press it, and that scarf just chokes the motherfucker out.
And that's the kind of shit they have here in China, man.
They got everything.
You know, they got everything.
And I'm just trying to feel like how they communicate.
They don't, it seemed to me, and look, this is all my perception.
And my, you know, and I don't have 20, 20 perception.
I got about maybe 17, 20. So, but they don't, it seemed like they don't communicate much between each other.
Like in America, we're always, we're like, you know, we're always community, we're always, you know, it seems like there's more communication between us than there is here.
Here, it's just this kind of group thing that happens.
There's a line.
There's a line for everything.
There's a line where you are in line.
Basically, in China, you get in line, and then you stay in line your whole life, and then you die.
And that's just how it is, you know.
And even when you die, there's like a line to get into heaven.
Like, you know, somebody could die.
Sun Ling, you know, your boy Sun Ling could die here, you know, get bit by a venomous snake.
And next thing you know, he dies, but then he comes back to life, you know, four hours later because the line to get into heaven was too long.
You know, reincarnation's backed up.
Yeah, it's bottlenecking over there over at the, you know, in the reincarnation portal.
It's bumper to bumper.
You know, the cops are doing breathalyzers over there.
So it's just, what else is it like here?
The food, I mean, because that's something that we think about, is very, man, they had a dude on the train.
So I'm on the train and, you know, we're over there and we're riding.
And this dude opened up a sack of straight-up cat.
I mean, this had to be cat.
Look, it smelled like cat piss.
Like somebody had taken, you know, made sticks out of cat piss.
Them CP stackers, bruh.
You know, it seemed like somebody had found a way to make a just a long, you know, just a long face hitter out of some straight cat piss.
You know, a little bit of that feline juice juice.
And this, man, I've never smelled anything so bad in my life.
And dude, you go to like, they have all these packets, like, bro, you could get a fucking gizzard.
You could get the neck of anything, boy.
The Chinese will eat.
The Chinese will eat.
When I was growing up, you know, they had a lot of, like, a lot of black, my black friends would eat, they'd eat all kind of wild stuff, you know, hogshead cheese and more.
You know, they got kind of, you know, a lot of cracklings and things like that that to me were foreign to me.
But the Chinese, dude.
Bruh, if you got your appendix taken out, when you came to after the anesthesia at the hospital, they'd have a motherfucker across the room, boy.
You know what I'm saying?
One of your little Mandarin amigos, one of your little Cantonese comrades over there just slicing into that thing.
You know, like George Costanza into a Snicker just plating.
He'd have your appendix plated up.
You get your tonsils taken out.
Somebody else is getting a bowl of fucking two-chunk meat soup.
Because nothing is wasted here.
But man, it happens fast.
You have got to be...
You have to.
Because anything can happen here.
Man, you see...
You're walking down the street, somebody rappelling off the side of a building, dude.
Is that Batman practice?
Is that a burglary?
Is that a fireman who just put some, anything, you don't need any, Especially as somebody that speaks English, you can't even ask anybody.
You know?
You can't even ask anybody, man.
So, it's just...
It's just unbelievable.
The guys that brought me out, Senna Productions, I think they're called, S-I-N-A, Brian Sugu, I think is how you say his last name.
He's not even Asian.
He's an Amsterdamian and Mormon.
But it was great, man.
Just the hospitality was beyond anything.
I mean, I'd come back here.
So many amazing people came out.
You know, I met this dude, this beautiful man, he makes waffles out there in Shaman.
And they got an island out there, and this dude's out there slanging waffles, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
Those are just straight-up gridlocked pancakes, baby.
And this dude's out there.
You know, this dude's out there, you know, slanging them fucking griddle hitters.
And it just, you know, so many people came out.
People that saw me on Rogan, people that, just nice people, a lot of people that are here teaching English.
That's the top thing, it seems like.
And man, it was just, you know, and they wanted to just tell me a little bit about the culture.
And they were grateful.
You know, a lot of really, really great Americans are over here working.
And I'm going to think about them when I'm not here.
Because, you know, because when we're not around, we need people to think about us sometimes.
And it can be when we're not around anywhere, when we're not around our family, when we're not around our friends, we're not around our country.
You know, we want to know that people think about us.
And I'm going to think about those people sometimes.
But yeah, it was magical.
It was magical.
And there's also, I felt a sense of, like, I didn't feel as much a sense of like self-importance here.
And I know I'm just rambling about China, but look, I'm in dang China, dude.
And I wasn't here last week.
And now I am here.
And here it's about the greater good.
There's more of a sense like your family, I feel like people are more into it.
Their family means a lot to them.
You know, it seemed like people, their province, you know, or their region very important to them.
Certain food, people would say, oh, this is food from my area, you know, or this is food from, you know, the Hunan province, you know, or this is food.
People were just a lot of cultural pride.
It feels more like you're part of like a country, like a thing here, like Chinese, like being Chinese, it's a thing and they are, they have so much history.
Dude, these people have been here.
You know what I'm saying?
If you go, if you read Adam and Eve, right, in the Bible, if you read, if you look back behind the Garden of Eden, there's a, there's just a million Chinese people back there hanging out.
You know, it's like the timeline, I mean, China, these people have been around here.
And some part of me, I felt, some part of me felt like they're from another planet.
And not in a bad way.
They're not that, just that they, dude, if anybody, and Joe Rogan was talking about this, if you have, if you look at their writing, it looks very like hieroglyphs.
It looks like something that somebody would come from far away and make for us.
It's drawings and it just seems like secrets, you know, that somebody is showing you their writing.
I'm trying to think what else has been fascinating here.
How everything moves.
They'll have somebody walking, right?
They'll have somebody riding a bike with a child sitting on the back of the bike, not in a seat, just like on the tire cover.
And I'm talking like a nine-year-old.
And the parent will be riding the bike forward.
The child will be sitting sideways with their legs hanging right down by the spokes on their phone, completely oblivious and completely trusting to the parent that the parent is navigating a busy street.
There are buses.
There are motorcycles, VESPAs, scooters, there are cars, all of that going on, all these intersections, all of it happening, and all of it flows without a hitch.
It's unbelievable.
It's almost like you're in a bloodstream.
You're in a bloodstream, and it is going no matter what.
It's about what's important for everyone.
We are moving forward.
So yeah, it's more important.
It's not like I'm important.
That's what we have in America.
I feel like I'm important.
Like I apostrophe, important.
But here it's about importance.
This is what's important for most of us.
We all have to move forward.
You know, and I know a lot of that sense, you know, you got that communist style here.
But it doesn't feel communist.
It feels very capitalistic to me.
You know, I mean, I've been to Havana, and that's how some Latino people say Havana.
And I say Havana, dude.
I don't say Havana.
You know, sometimes you meet somebody that pronounces something too fuck, you know, come on, man.
Say it what it is, you know.
People are like, oh, I'm from Miami.
Bitch, you're from Miami, bitch.
Okay?
And your parents are paying your rent while you're over there at the U of it at the over there at the U, the U. You know what I'm saying?
People are like, oh, I'm from, you know, New Jersey.
Bitch, you're from New Jersey.
You know what I'm saying?
You can't.
New Hierse.
That sounds like a cheese.
You're from New Jersey.
So it's, you know, it's just, yeah, it's just more about what's important here.
The greater good.
Everybody's moving forward.
There seem to be some pride, you know, some Chinese pride.
People definitely excited about Americans, you know.
There's excitements about Americans, you know.
So it's, you know, I'm trying to think of what else.
What else?
I took a couple notes here.
Yeah, and I usually don't write notes, but there's just been, dude, it's so much here.
It's so much going on.
You know, we went up in the tallest building in the world, you know.
Got my lady friend out here, so we went up in the tallest building in the world or the second tallest.
I don't know, bro, so high, like you're looking, you're like in the clouds.
You can feel a cloud go like wrapped around the building and scoot off.
Okay.
Okay.
There you go.
A cloud just and then gone.
And then you're, you know, you can see everything.
It's like you're above birds.
It just.
And not a lot of birds, man.
And look, and that's another thing.
Nothing goes unused here.
You know what I'm saying, dude?
If a bird lands here, it's going to get fucked up.
You know, it's going to be a soup.
You know what I'm saying?
This ain't a place where a lot of birth...
Think about that.
In America, birds are taking the day off.
I saw a pigeon one time.
I thought it was dead, dude.
It was fucking on vacation.
Just laying in the fucking park.
Like, what the fuck?
You're on vacation?
You're a pigeon, dude.
Birds relaxing, birds getting fat, birds complaining, birds catching the flu in America.
Bird flu?
Dude, here, a bird doesn't have time to get sick.
They'll cut that dove into a couple of fucking steaks, boy.
You know what I'm saying?
Do you see somebody with a fucking lip full of flamingo jerky?
It's nothing.
Everything gets used here.
We're moving forward as a group.
You know, there's no, bro, you couldn't complain here about a bunch of shit.
Nobody gives a fuck.
There's so many people.
We are moving forward.
It's not about, you know, you.
It's about us.
And you still see like a sense of, you know, people aren't, and these are all my perceptions.
And I might be totally wrong.
This is just how I feel and see in this brief experience in Shanghai or Shanghai.
You know, I don't have, you know, I'm taking little bits.
I'm not getting, you know, and I wanted to get off into the countryside, man.
I had this, you know, we're on the train and I had this idea of like, and you're on the train and you see like the man on the bike with the hat and the thing going across his shoulders and a bucket on each side, like a teeter-totter on him, you know, a bucket of, you know, perfect balance.
Balance is key here.
Man, everything moves in succession.
You can't even...
I couldn't explain to you how so much happens and nothing...
I didn't see an accident.
Like, that's the thing.
There's not a lot of panic here.
There's this general sense that everything is going to happen no matter what.
But yeah, it's just been fascinating, man.
Everything's for sale.
You can get anything you want here.
Like I said, you know?
You can get a shirt that you can get a shirt that every now and then will kind of hug you.
You feeling lonely?
Put on that fucking tank top, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
You feeling lonely?
Put on that affectionate sweater.
You know what I'm saying?
Anything you want.
They got it here.
Dude, you want extra kneecaps, dude?
They got them, bro.
You get them installed.
Plastic surgery out the yin-yang here.
You see a dude look like a fucking triceratops, bruh.
He got his cousins fucking, you know, he borrowed a, you know, he had a cousin that died in a fire or something.
He took his femurs out and fucking got him installed into his, you know, straight out his dome.
Anything.
You want six legs and you want a shit silk?
You got it, baby.
You're a spider now.
You could fucking, dude, anything you want to happen can happen here.
They got it all.
They got it all.
And it's just, it doesn't end.
It doesn't end.
It's all night.
And it's safe.
Here's the thing.
So safe.
Bro, I haven't felt this safe.
The only other city that I felt this safe in for me was Toronto.
Toronto, you could go to sleep in the middle of the street in Toronto, in the middle of a busy street in downtown Toronto, and the cars would slow down as they went by you quietly as to not wake you up.
Like that's how safe it is.
But you feel safe here.
You feel like anything could happen.
It's confusing.
You don't know what people are saying.
People sound angry a lot.
I don't know.
Just fascinating.
Oh, I noticed people want to, they want to engage with you.
Like you can feel them looking at you, but when you look at them, they look away.
And it feels like there's a secret in the air.
Like everybody, like there's a huge secret going on and you don't know about it.
But the truth is, there is no secret.
It's just this human kind of fog that just goes in and out of the existence.
Just like in and out.
Like China is a lung and it's just constantly just breathing and expelling and breathing and expelling this sense of mystery that's in the air.
And it's fascinating.
It's fascinating, man.
If you haven't been to Shanghai, I recommend it.
If you're watching on the YouTubes, this shit, it looks French as hell.
I'm sitting here.
I'm in my hotel room.
And man, these people took care of us.
You know, I got to stay in just some beautiful here to Mariotte.
Man, the first night I could, I went out on the street, I couldn't handle it.
There's children that are awake at 2 a.m.
And all the little girls here, they dress up their daughters.
There's a lot of pride when families take their daughters out and they all let them dress up like princesses.
So all the little girls are princesses.
I mean, You know, like in America, sometimes you'll see a girl dressed up like a prince.
Every little girl you would see on the street here is dressed like a princess.
And so that was kind of cute because suddenly you feel like you're almost like in Disney World.
You know, there's this sense of, you know, you can, when you see children, all the children seem very happy.
And that says a lot for a culture.
You know, when the children seem to be, you know, very happy.
And they're curious.
You can see the children be very curious and looking at you.
And there's not a lot of white people here.
Look, I thought there'd be a ton of white people, a lot of Europeans.
No black people.
No joke.
I saw two.
There was one girl, I think Erin or Erica, that came out to one of the comedy shows.
She's a comedian.
And one other, I saw a British, black girl that I believe is British.
But yeah, just different, you know, just like just, you know, fascinating.
Very, very, very, very, very fascinating.
So what else?
Skyscrapers everywhere.
You can see a skyscraper anywhere.
You can see a skyscraper anywhere.
And it's all happening at once.
There's just everything.
There's absolutely nothing is wasted.
You know, somebody could die upstairs and two hours they're serving ribs downstairs.
And that's life.
You know, it's about the importance.
Somebody's hungry.
Somebody died.
Let's figure this out.
It's about important.
You know, not I important.
And I know that's kind of a fucking cheesy thing, but whatever, dude.
Life's cheesy, bruh.
Life's cheesy, dude.
Open your mouth, son.
You alive?
Open your mouth.
Taste your tongue.
What's that, bruh?
Velveeta?
You know, what's that?
That shop chat?
What you got in your mouth?
What you got in your mouth?
So here I am.
Here I've been.
This episode also is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza and Bronx Born Pizza.
One of them is in Los Angeles and one of them is in Bend, Oregon.
This episode is also brought to you by Ridge Wallet.
Imagine that, imagine you have something stuck on your ass, right?
And you have to take it all, and it's a wallet.
That's what it is, you know, and it's nice to have, but at the same time, you got this big ass fucking crazy ass wallet in there.
You got pictures from the eighth grade.
You got pictures, you know, girls or guys used to fake.
You got pictures of people you never fake, you know, which is awkward.
If you're still carrying pictures from the eighth grade of chicks you wanted to hook up with and you're in your 30s now, then that is, that's not nostalgia.
That's illegal, bruh.
Okay?
Empty the shit out.
Or just get that Ridge wallet, that front pocket carry.
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What else, man?
We'll get into some calls, man.
Let's take a few calls.
We got some great calls.
We got some fanline stuff.
We're going to go over some things.
I'm happy.
I'm feeling fortunate to get this episode off.
I want to thank everybody on our Patreon.
We had a single mom that came out in Shanghai.
And I'm going to get a call from her when I'm back in the U.S. I'm going to get a call this week on the line with her so we can talk to her.
Beautiful lady.
Beautiful lady.
Two children, one and three years old, two little girls.
And she took the time off to come out.
We got her tickets and took care of dinner for her and a friend of hers.
And, man, it was just magical.
It was magical to be a part of this scene, to come over here and do stand-up.
I would say about 30% of the people that came out were Chinese or looked Chinese.
They could have been white people that dyed their hair and dyed their skin kind of light colored.
I don't want to accuse anybody of being Chinese.
But yeah, I went to an AA meeting.
We're not supposed to maybe talk about that, but I went to an AA meeting.
I have two years sober.
And that is, maybe I'll get into that on this episode.
I don't know.
Maybe I'll get into that next week.
Man, just so much.
So much happening here.
And thank you guys so much for the listenership.
That Duncan Trussell episode was crazy.
Guys, we have some sweet guests that I'm trying to get in right now.
And if there's a, look, if you want to go hound some guests, you know what I'm saying?
I'm trying to get Russell Brand to come in.
You know?
I'm trying to get Amy Schumers to come in.
You know, I'm trying to get, you know, I'm trying to get who else?
Oh, Amanda Knox.
You know what I'm saying?
That French murderer.
But she didn't do it.
So I'm trying to get every, you know, I'm trying to get the dark arts and the light arts.
I'm trying to get it all to happen.
But if there's somebody you want to come on, tell them.
Send them a message on social media.
Say, hey, you need to go.
You need to go on.
These days, we make happen what we want to happen.
You know, for so long, especially in Hollywood, I had this idea, I'm waiting for these people to do this for me.
I'm waiting for this.
I'm not doing that shit anymore.
I've been reaching out to guests that I think are neat.
I want to have come on.
And so I guess I just, I'm feeling empowered, man.
I'm not wasting this.
You know, it's that Chinese infusion, bro.
I'm infused, dude.
I got that green tea in me.
I'm fired up, bro.
I got that Chezwan.
I got that Chezwan in my nuts, bro, in my spine.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm spraying spice, boy.
Papow, Papow.
I got mace in my special place, dog.
You know what I'm saying?
And I haven't masturbated, honestly, in about 11 days, so I'm feeling good about that.
I'm keyed up on my own seed right now.
You can probably feel it in me.
Look, I don't even know what time It is.
That's another thing about China.
What time is it?
Who gives a fuck, bruh?
Keep it moving.
Keep it going.
Are you doing something?
Do something.
There's not one overweight.
I mean, there might not be food here, but there's not one overweight person here in China.
Not that overweight is everything, but there ain't nobody.
Look, if you got some extra gristle hanging off of yourself, somebody will come by with a fucking knife and grill that shit up.
You could lose weight here, but I swear that one of the reasons they probably do plastic surgery is they're probably cooking a lot of that shit.
You know what I'm saying?
They could probably trim my nose down a little bit and have a couple little, you know, at least make one scallop.
They could pull at least one scallop out of my snout for somebody.
But we had some calls that came in.
I'm happy to be here with you guys.
This is this past weekend.
I'm going to be in Raleigh, North Carolina this weekend.
If you know somebody in North Carolina, have them come out.
What are they doing?
Nothing?
Let's change it.
Let's change that shit together.
You know, so we can have them come out, and I'm going to be there in Raleigh, North Carolina.
Where else I'll be coming up?
Minneapolis, Minnesota at the Skyway Theater.
Chicago, Illinois, and that's selling out pretty quick, August 16th through the 18th.
Zaney's in Nashville, September 14th and 15th.
And then just for laughs in Toronto, go and get those tickets and come on and get those hitters.
And let them know you got to fell out there who you want to see.
Ghostbusters.
And man, I feel excited today, man.
Sometimes I get nervous when I feel excited.
You know, I feel like I get nervous to feel good.
You know, I feel like I've been feeling like this a lot recently, man.
I've been feeling like, you know, because I've been working hard in this, you know, in stand-up for a long time.
And like, even in the past couple weeks, things have been going better.
You know, things have just been having better opportunities.
And I just get nervous, you know.
And it's not like, I don't know, man.
It's like sometimes you just got to put on that jacket of, I can do this.
Because nobody knows if you can or can't.
Nobody knows if you can or can't do something.
You let them know that.
You let them know.
They don't just know.
I used to think that everybody in the world was thinking, oh, he can't do it.
He can't do it.
And that fueled me.
It fueled me because it was like this chip on my shoulder.
But in the end, it's like, if I show up and I can, I don't leave the judgment up to them.
I don't let them decide if they think I can.
I can.
I can.
And man, I don't know.
Maybe I'm infected.
I might be Chinese, man.
You know?
And I got some Chinese features, bruh.
I got some Chinese features, man.
I got high blood pressure.
You know, I got kind of lean eyes.
My eyes are real lean in the sockets, man.
They used to make fun of me when I was young, actually.
But, man, it's a blessing to be here.
It's a blessing to be here in China, and I would recommend it.
If you have considered coming, then I would say continue to consider that.
You can get all tickets at theovon.com slash tour.
We got some new Gang Gang shirts coming out this week.
You can get all that at theovon.com slash store.
And I hate saying my name, bro.
Theovon.
It's just, let's go to some calls, man.
You can always hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
Or you can hit the fan line.
And those are our live raise fan line video questions.
You can submit a video question.
And we've got a gang of those today, too.
We're going to get into them.
Here we go on a call that came in.
Here we go.
And I haven't heard any of these yet.
This one says Theo's old friend.
Let's hear who it is.
All right.
And that's just me not having the volume on.
Onward.
What up, dude?
It's Crummel.
All right.
And let's hear who it is.
All right, and let's hear who it is.
What up, dude?
It's Crummel.
I ain't talking to you in a long time, man.
Oh, Crummy Crumb, boy.
My boy Robert Crummel.
And this, I knew this gentleman in high school, man, old Crumb Dick.
My buddy called him Crumb Dick all the time.
And no real reason.
He didn't really have small pieces of food on his dick or anything like that.
His last name was Crummel.
And so just Crumb Dick, people would call him that.
And he's not a bad person.
He's not a dick.
It's just like a nickname.
You know what I'm saying?
Everybody got that nickname.
Like we had a dude that had been in a fire.
People call him Sparky, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
Everybody's got that crazy nickname.
You know, we had a dude who we had a dude, they called him salty because he used to, if he would get scabs and stuff, he would, after gym class, when his body would be real sweaty, he would peel his scabs off and eat them when they were salty.
And so everybody has a nickname.
You know, everybody has something wild.
We had a girl named Tiff and people thought it was from Tiffany.
And I asked her mom one day, is it from Tiffany?
Short for Tiffany?
She said, no, Tiff.
Like, you know, you get into a little argument with someone.
I'm like, that's an insane reason to call somebody that.
But anyway, go on, Crumb.
What's up, baby?
Stumbled across your website.
Seeing you was doing your podcast thing.
I just got to remembering old days and shit.
And just wanted to say what's up.
And that was all.
I'm going to see how you're doing, man.
At any rate, I'm going to get back to work.
I'll talk to you later, brother.
Okay, there you go, man.
I hadn't talked to Crummy right there in probably about 15 years.
And you probably could have just hit me up on my regular phone, Robert.
But, I mean, that's interesting to leave that on the hotline.
But hey, that's how it happens, man.
That's how it happens.
Good to hear from you, bud, and I hope everything's going good down There.
We used to have this dude in our neighborhood, also named Pug, and he was straight up first of the month, dude.
He used to listen to Bone Thugs and Harmony all the time.
And wake up.
And yeah, and then one time somebody invited him over to the house and everybody hit on the roof and shot BB guns at him.
You know, and that was on Halloween.
And that was the kind of time you could do that when you could shoot a friend, you know, with a non-deadly weapon.
And that was Halloween style.
And we would call Pug over and then gun him down, pop, pop, off the top of the roof with BB guns and with those small metal hitters, bruh.
All right, let's hit another call here.
The hotline always is 985-664-9503.
I didn't tell you that the song at the beginning of the episode was Bishop Gunn.
That was Bishop Gunn again.
I know I keep going to them.
I promise I'm going to listen through the songs.
We've had a lot of great submissions.
Here's the problem with music people have submitted.
It can't be copywritten.
If it's copywritten, I can't use it.
Because they'll flag us and they'll take our episode down.
Here we go.
Let's get another call that came in.
Hey, Theo, it's Andrew from Illinois.
What's up, Andrew in Illinois?
Thanks for calling, dude.
Let's hear more.
With you saying your regret from not serving in the military, you know, you shouldn't feel like that.
I served seven years in the Marines.
Thank you for your service, man.
Marines, boy, those boys don't play.
I remember I was on some bases doing, you know, some USO-type comedy tours.
And, you know, and all the services do their thing.
But, man, them Marine boys show up or women.
And they, man, they get it done, son.
Marines, dude, they're like the Chinese, bro.
They'll eat each other if they have to.
You know what I'm saying?
You'll see three Marines walk off for lunch.
Two of them come back.
And the third one was happy to sacrifice himself, dude, because it's about that greater good.
Let's hear more.
And I just want to say, you know, you're doing your part, and you're helping us out with coming back home to a good country.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, you're giving us laughter.
And, you know, you're helping out that veteran friend with some money whenever he needs it.
You know, 22 of us are killing ourselves every day.
22. Wow, man.
Yeah, you know, and that is a, you know, well, thank you for saying some of those things.
For one, man, I do realize that my job is freedom of speech.
I mean, my job is a direct freedom.
My job is a direct freedom.
Like, you can't do my job in some countries.
You know, my job is freedom of speech.
So people have legitimately died specifically for, not for me, but for my job, for my ability to orate, to speak, and to speak freely.
And so, you know, I guess maybe that's why some of that feels heavier to me, but I'm sure a lot of men feel that way.
You know, you feel regret.
You feel regret.
You feel like you weren't, you know, you weren't strong enough or you weren't good enough to do it.
But I appreciate you saying that, that we can find ways to do it.
You can help a friend out.
You know, and that's such a harrowing issue that so many veterans are taking their own lives.
You know, there's a lot of issues there with that.
You know, there's a lot of issues.
You know, a lot of them probably aren't getting the help that they need.
There's a lot of people claiming PTSD that don't have it.
And I'm not accusing people, but I've just heard too many cases.
And I've read too many articles where it's like, you know, now everybody just wants that easy.
You know, they want that, oh yeah, PTSD, sure.
You know, let me get that hit.
And then it's, then it is, it takes away from the pool and the time and the resources that are for men that are actually, and women that are suffering from it.
You know, but it's like, how do we figure all that out?
A lot of the shit is just that people need to, there needs to be, people need to want to do stuff for themselves.
Like one thing I notice here, man, and this is general speaking for sure, is that people seem excited about their jobs.
It could be a shitty job somebody has here, but they're excited about it.
People seem fired.
And maybe they're just excited because I'm a white, you know, they look at me and think money.
You know, they look at me and think, oh, well, here's a tourist.
But there just seem to be, I don't know.
America has this malaise.
We have this infection that we don't want to, we don't, I wonder sometimes if a country gets so comfortable, sorry, my email's on, if a country gets so comfortable, does an infection get into it of comfort?
You know, comfort becomes such an infection.
Because we adapt, you adapt, and we've almost adapted out of the pieces of us that make being a human exciting.
We've almost adapted.
We've almost gotten so comfortable sometimes in America that we've got.
I don't know.
I feel like I almost know what I'm saying, but then I don't.
We've almost, it's like we've, it's like it becomes an infection.
If you get so comfortable, then you don't, you know, there's nothing else.
You just, you lose the vigor, and it becomes an infection.
And then generation to generation, it goes down.
You know, it's like we need something to really make us feel purpose.
That's what I'm thinking.
You feel like there's no purpose.
Like, I don't know.
China feels like they have a purpose.
You know, there's this vibe in China that I hear about that they feel like that they have inherited the torch Of the strongest country, and they are excited about that, and they are moving forward with that.
And it's pro-China here.
There's no fucking you come over, they're trying to make shit, you feel comfortable from a, it's fucking China.
You can't get a citizenship here.
You're from another country, you can't get citizenship here.
You can be welcome, you can be allowed to stay, you can be granted permissions, but and this is from what I've gathered, you can't, you know what I'm saying?
Like everybody's all like, you know, America sometimes wants to be this fucking turnstile, and that's fine, but you got to organize that, you know, everybody's fucking styling and nobody's turning anymore.
You know, nobody, we got to have some sense of order.
And this shit is about order over here.
And so there's, you know, I don't know.
Obviously, I'm fucking have just turned into a Chinese person and totally given up on my home country.
I'm not saying that.
But it's definitely been interesting.
And it makes me wonder, I don't know.
It just makes me think, I guess, and feel.
Let's hear more of this call.
I'm sorry to keep interrupting you, brother.
So, you know, you're looking out and you got his six, man.
So don't feel bad.
You know, you're doing your thing.
I just want to say, you know, I appreciate the podcast.
You're doing great things.
Gang gang.
Gang gang, baby boy.
Gang gang.
And yeah, we're trying to move it on.
We're trying to move it on, but I appreciate you saying that.
We had another call in here about military.
I appreciate you saying that, you know, that I'm trying to do something and be a part of something.
You know, we had another call here about military.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Tameem.
I was listening to your podcast about the 29-year-old virgin, and I had to pause it in the middle of the podcast to leave this comment for you.
What got me a little triggered was your remark that dudes in the military or guys and ladies that serve in the military, their votes should count for more.
I mean, listen.
Right.
And that's a comment last week.
I said that if you serve in the military, your votes should count for more than if you haven't.
And that got you triggered.
Let me hear more.
My vote should definitely count for more because I'm a true badass.
But unfortunately, there's lots of dummies that are in the military, too.
And they vote this way, that way, any other way.
Who the hell knows?
I worked with a ton of them.
They were completely retarded.
I don't know if I can say the R word, but I said it anyway.
You can say it again.
It's okay.
If you say it to a person that is retarded or around them or their family, I mean, it's not going to go over well, and you're going to suffer the repercussions of it.
But you can say it.
It's okay.
Onward.
And, you know, look, they're just people like everybody else.
It's a job we do.
Don't feel regret for not joining, man.
It just wasn't your path.
You're doing way better stuff now.
I sincerely mean that.
I love your podcast, dude.
I just discovered you like maybe a week ago.
I think you're hilarious, dude.
You're now one of my favorite comedians.
Keep doing what you're doing, and I'll keep doing what I'm doing.
All right, brother, take it easy.
Well, that was a nice message, man, and thanks for your service.
You know, and that's a nice thought from inside of a military mind, you know, that they look at us and are grateful for people that are, you know, that they don't hold it against us, I guess, if we don't serve in the military.
So thanks for saying some of that, man.
Because I think a lot of guys feel like that.
You know, I have a buddy that's in there, and he had a son.
I think he just had a son about eight months ago.
And I got another friend over there and lives in Virginia, and he's got two daughters, and he's a SEAL.
And, you know, he has to go away on these trips and stuff.
And it just really, you know, I can't imagine what that's like.
And the women who have to support, you know, whatever, or the spouse who's not there, who's not, you know, going on these, you know, when you go out and fight or go out and serve.
I don't know what they call it.
It's like, it's not vacation.
You know, it's like a fight.
It's like a vacation, but you have to fight and work.
So I don't know what that's called.
Deployment.
Sorry.
But yeah, just leaving their family, just that separation, that's a real thing.
You know, it's a real thing.
And I watched some of my friends go through that, and it's intense, and it's intense, and it's powerful to see their wives, both of them are guys, and to see their wives that stay home and really learn to be a wife and, you know, learn to be a father and a mother while they're gone.
It's fascinating, man.
It's pretty fascinating.
But thanks for saying that, dude.
Thanks for saying that.
Yeah, so you're saying there's a lot of idiots in there that don't deserve it.
You know what they're starting to do or what I'm hearing about here?
First of all, in China, they have facial recognition is coming in hot.
They're going to be able to know everyone wherever they are.
Everyone.
And you think, oh, really?
Is it going to be effective?
Dude, shit here is effective.
They have one app.
Everybody uses something called WeChat, and they use it for everything.
You use it to text.
You use it to buy food.
You pay for your bill.
You order food.
You order a taxi.
It's all in one thing.
There's no a million app.
There's none of that shit.
You can't do Instagram here.
I can do it through AT ⁇ T, through like a VPN or whatever, but I can't.
They don't have Facebook.
You can't do it through their Wi-Fi, right?
So, but they are going to have a thing soon where you are going to have like a score, almost like on Black Mirror, that shows how you are as a, I guess, as a person, you know, that's going to like evaluate you.
And sometimes I think we need something like that in America.
It's like, so that way you know if somebody is a fucking slug and they're not doing anything or not pulling their weight, you know?
And you know if you are, I guess.
I guess it's not more about knowing that somebody else is.
It's just, it's something that's like, we need something to light our fire to, you know, we need like, it's just like, it's hard to get a whole country to move forward.
It's hard to go onward when you have so many anchors that are just stagnant.
It's like, how do you fix, how do you, how do you remedy that when there's just so many fucking Muppets out there, you know, just, you know, drinking each other's breast milk for fun.
It's just, how do you remedy that?
How do you solve it?
You know, it's like, and we can't help everybody.
We can help most people, I believe, but I don't think we can help everybody.
We have this thing sometimes in America.
It's like, I guess I'm thinking about America because I'm not in it right now.
You know, me, I'll step outside, dude.
I'll talk about us, then I'll step right outside of the building and point a finger at you, you know?
So that's what I'm doing right now.
But it's like, it's just like we're always trying to help the lowest common denominator and people, like, there should, yeah, how do you start to know if people want to help themselves?
Because there's a lot of people that are alive.
They don't even act like they want to be it.
You know?
And what I'm saying is, dude, if that's your case, bruh, check on out.
You know?
Come to China.
They do reincarnation here.
You know what I'm saying?
Check yourself out.
You could be a Bambi in an hour.
You could be a toad.
You could be a, you know, you could be anything.
You could be a Ziroff.
You could be whatever you want.
But thanks for those calls, man.
Those are our follow-up calls from last week about military.
And I don't know if that changes my thoughts really on should.
There's just something about the fact that if you serve to me, if there were a vote anyway, I would be willing to say, well, I think that those people should be allowed to, they've earned a higher ability to vote, a higher percentage of vote.
But then I also think if somebody graduated high school, then they should be able to maybe have a higher percentage of vote.
You know, it's definitely, but then maybe that, maybe that, I don't know enough to know if that ruins the idea of democracy.
You know, I don't know enough.
Let's hear another call that came out of the hotline.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Dylan.
I'm out here in Tohoka, Texas, welding on this gas line.
Oh, you out there welding on a gas line, bro?
Well, I'm not smart, but that does not sound wise, dude.
Think about that.
You're welding on a gas line, bro.
Come on.
Onward.
But I'm listening to your latest episode, and a guy called in who liked getting his dick sucked twice a day, right?
Oh, yeah, that man called in.
He was a contractor.
He said he's spending $1,500 a week for somebody to rock his cock around in their mouth.
You know?
For somebody to freaking vacuum up his bus busts.
Come on, guy.
That seemed like a lot of money to me.
It seemed like an addiction to me.
That's me judging him, but that's what it seemed like a little bit.
But let's hear more.
He's paying for it.
So I wondered, I mean, I agree with what you said.
It seems like it's working for him and it's working for these ladies.
So I was thinking you're trying not to masturbate.
Yep, and I think I got 11 days right now, man.
And that's another reason why I'm feeling nutty.
You know, I feel like I got pecans in my stomach, boy, because I got that nut.
That thing is built up, son.
You know what I'm saying?
I'll stare through a fucking peach right now.
I got that shang.
I got that yin-yang inside of me, boy.
My dick will fucking karate kick its way through a fucking weak fence.
I could do something right now, bruh.
You feel me?
I'll pet a dog with my fucking eyelashes, bruh.
I haven't masturbated in 11 days and my chi is like, hey.
I get cheat up, boy.
They call me Chester Cheetah, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm cheat.
Dude, I'll fucking run through a village, bruh.
I'll run through a village and lick somebody's fucking neck.
I'm fired up, boy, because I got that nut.
I got that nudie nudie, bruh.
I got the Lord's Garbanzo beans fucking just stacking up inside of my fucking nuts.
Let's hear more.
And when you're paying a hooker, you're like masturbating with them, with their bodies, right?
So, you know, I thought that was interesting.
I wondered what, why really, if you don't want to masturbate, but it's kind of the same thing he's doing, except he's paying money to have somebody do it for him.
And maybe that's hard to connect with actual people and like find love and stuff if you're, you know, getting addicts started twice a day and he's jerking off a lot.
I just wondered why you were down with that.
And I wonder, you know, how that fit in with you trying not to jerk off or whatever.
So I love your shit, man.
Keep your head up.
Thank you, man.
Thanks for the call.
You know what?
I think I'm okay with prostitution being legal.
You know, I'm okay.
That doesn't mean I'm okay with sex trafficking.
I'm not in any of that kind of shit.
But I'm okay with prostitution being legal.
I'm okay with it.
I think that it serves a purpose.
I think there are people that can do it in a healthy mindset.
I think that, you know, that I think it's okay.
Now, I don't think addiction, anything, is super healthy.
And I think we all find ways to check out so we don't have to do stuff.
You know, for me with masturbation, and I haven't talked about this in a while, you know, and I've been struggling a lot, man, over the past couple months with like, you know, I'll get, you know, I'll be by myself at night and I'll get this, you know, I'll get this feeling like I want to do something.
You know, I want to do something.
I don't know if it's bad or here it is.
It's not that I want to do something.
It's that I feel uncomfortable.
And I don't want to feel uncomfortable.
So that uncomfort manifests, it wants to get out of my body.
And it's like a vulture that just wants to jump right out of my, Just right out of my heart.
And the vulture always wants to do something bad, you know.
And so I'll find myself, you know, looking at escorts or thinking about pornography.
And I haven't been doing pornography, but I'll be thinking about it, you know.
But then, next thing you know, you know, I'll get end up down some wormhole, and then I'm, you know, I'm drawing pictures of or something.
Or, you know, I'm mad, like, you know, a buddy of mine, actually, this is crazy.
This dude, he used to make this little recipe back in the day, you know, whenever we would, you know, after we had met some girls.
And, you know, when you're young, a girl will let you touch her crotch.
And look, ladies, I want to say this on behalf of a lot of the men out there.
Thank you.
But it starts to, once you touch it, after that, you don't really want to touch anything else except more crotch.
And so you're constantly, men are constantly nervous with their hands after that because the only place they really want to put their hand is in a crotch and they can't do it because you can't just run around just hiding your hands in people's crotches.
You know what I'm saying?
This ain't, you know, and just you can't, you know, your hand ain't punks a tiny field.
You can't say your hand saw its shadow and then hid in a woman's crotch.
That shit ain't going to cut it, bro.
That ain't going to hold up in court.
You're going to go to jail.
And you'd probably get your hands cut off here in China.
But anyhow, what I'm getting at here, fuck, what am I getting at?
What's this talking about?
Oh, hookers and masturbation.
So yes, I want to do something with my hands.
I can't remember what I was talking about.
I'll go back in time.
Something will happen.
I want to do, I want to, yeah, you know, like, oh, so women, once you do that, then after that, that's all we want to do.
We want to touch more crotch.
So anyway, a buddy of mine, he used to make this recipe of like, he had a couple different ingredients.
I'll have to look back and remember what it was.
And it would smell like crotch.
And he would take it, you know, a couple of these ingredients and put them in a little mixing bowl or whatever and put it in the microwave or sometimes even put it in the oven if he was making a little bit of fucking Christmas cudder.
You know what I'm saying?
And it would smell like crotch, bro.
It was unbelievable.
I mean, it was really, really neat.
Because you don't think somebody could just hype it, just do that.
You know, this man was like a perfume, like a, I mean, that's the most French thing I've ever heard of, you know, firing up a batch of microwave wasse, eh?
But he would do it.
He would create this thing, and it had that, you know, that stench.
Because look, and I know this is vulgar, but there's a, you know, we're guttural.
We are, we are, that is something that is in us.
You know, you want to, you know, it's, it's, it's, it is vulgar.
It's in us, but it's, it's, it, it's what got us here is that, you know, the scent of a woman, the scent of sex, the scent of desire, the scent of something that draws you forward.
It's a scent of anything.
It can be, you know, it can be a flower.
It can be any.
It's what draws you.
It's what moves you.
And this man could make that scent.
He could make that scent of crotch.
And he'd fire up a batch and we'd fucking just, I mean, we'd inhale so much, dude.
This one boy, Jeffrey, passed out.
And we're like, damn, Jeffrey, that dude could end up being a damn rapiste, you know, a rapist.
Because if he, you know, there's no reason to be inhaling that fast with a little bit of scent in the air.
And you can't even fucking keep your life in line.
You can't even keep your act together.
But do I see a difference between the two, that that man was doing that and he was hiring hookers twice a day to blow him?
I see, here's all, if something, if he's calling me asking me if I think that's an unhealthy behavior, does he really just want to ask himself and he's not giving himself an honest answer?
Is he just getting a second opinion?
Does he already know that it might not be and he just wants to hear somebody else say it?
You know, here's the thing.
I feel like if you can't stop something, then it's an unhealthy behavior.
That's what I think.
If it controls you, if you're not in control, dude, then what the fuck?
And I'm not saying that at you, brother.
I'm just saying that, you know, that's when it's unhealthy.
And for me, you know, masturbation has not been, and watching pornography over the years has been an unhealthy tool for me.
It started out unhealthy.
You know, it, you know, I got a lot of it confused with, you know, where my troubles still struggle these days is, you know, if I get in love, you know, I have problems with sex because there's just a lot of confusion in there.
There's a lot of uncomfort, you know, and so that's a place where I still battle with.
And that's really, you know, I mean, I'm still seeing some therapists about that.
And that's a place where I still need, honestly, to do a lot of work in those areas.
And it's tough.
It's tough because you know what the worst part is for me.
And I know you didn't ask about a lot of this, I don't think, but I'm just kind of rambling.
I mean, hell, I'm in China, dude.
So I can be different over here if I want to or even not even be different.
I don't know if I am.
But you know, the hard part is wanting to do that work.
You know, wanting to get better when you know that something is wrong.
And look, if you guys are saying, look, man, if you jerk off once in a while, there's nothing wrong with you.
That's true.
But that's not what my thing is.
My thing is that over the years, I would look at pornography.
Anytime I had to interact with a woman in a real scenario, a lot of times, instead of doing that, I would just go masturbate or look at pornography.
It would kill off the desire to then go meet with a girl or take a girl out on a date or do anything really a lot of times.
And so then that became just an unhealthy pattern for me.
And it also was a protector because it's like, oh, well, I don't have to go talk to, you know, I don't have to take any risk of actually falling in love or any risk of putting myself out there into another person's heart because I'm going to kill that.
I'm going to cut that risk right off here at the pass.
At the emotional fucking pass, I'm going to cut that risk off by shutting my, by physically stopping the desire.
Because your emotions, your emotions and your physicality, it works in conjunction.
You know, I mean, you know, your nuts are connected straight to your heart.
And so you got to fucking find, you know, you got to be careful.
You can't just be playing those harp, those chords all night.
You know, you can't be just busting some fucking C-flats on those nut heart strings.
You know, you got to be careful.
And you got to keep them tuned.
Because otherwise you can get caught up.
And that's where I've been.
And that's how a lot of the dark art started for me was being out there.
I appreciate you calling, having me think about this.
Let's go to one of our LiveRays fan line questions.
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Don't be a pervert, man.
You're a pervert.
You're watching some dude on YouTube and you're not subscribed, bro.
Who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck are you?
Let's hear it.
What's going on, Theo?
My name's James.
I'm from Monterey, California.
Thanks for calling in, James from Monterey.
That's John Steinbeck Country.
And John Steinbeck was up there fucking with anchovies in Wrighton.
Let's hear more.
I'm a security guard.
Hell yeah, boy.
Dude, I used to have this sketch I wanted to do about an insecurity guard.
And it was just like, oh, he was just hiding behind like a hiding in an alley behind a dumpster, just hoping nothing bad was happening.
An insecurity guard, you get it?
Okay, that was stupid.
Onward.
Hey, I caught a fugitive that was wanted by the federal marshals.
I was wondering if you've done anything heroic that you were really proud of.
Damn, you caught a fugitive, dude?
That's awesome.
And fugitive sounds like pretty much the fanciest criminal you can be.
Some criminals are like, hey man, I stole this.
I'm a thief.
And some other, then a big dog rolls up and he goes, you a thief, bitch?
I'm a fugitive.
Oh, fuck.
Here come a couple of fugitives.
Have I ever done anything heroic?
You know, when my sit, I had, I found two fingers in the woods one time when I was young.
Somebody cut off their fingers either with a some, you know, with a sling blade or with a cot, some folk call it as a cos a blade.
No, with a, I don't know, a sword or something.
I don't know.
We found two fingers, a peace sign, me and one of my buddies, and we gave it to the police.
That's not heroic.
One night I was trying to get a blowjob from this girl that was on the swim team.
And we didn't say she was on the swim team because she gave blowjobs.
That'd be funny, you know.
If a girl gave you a blowjob or even a guy and he like swallowed all the time, people were like, you know, they're on the swim team.
Wow, a lot of bad jokes here in China tonight.
But the thing was this.
The thing was this.
Oh, so everybody heard that she gave blowjobs.
And that was the kind of, dude, as soon as somebody gave one blowjob, you heard it.
I mean, that was, you know, it was like Paul Revere.
You know, I mean, it was that kind of style.
So anyway, I took her out to this boat dock.
I picked her up one night and I'd stolen my mom's car.
And I went and picked her up.
And man, we were out there.
I put on some Travis Trit or something or some, you know, maybe a little bit of George Strait or something, just whatever.
They used to have this thing on the radio.
It was called Crying, Loving, or Leaving.
And you would put it on the radio and they would just play country music and people could call in and make requests.
Anyhow, me and this girl, I put on some country music.
We're out there slow dancing, bruh.
And we got the wind, and we're out by this huge boat launch.
It's like, this was in Madisonville, Louisiana.
And they got this huge boat launch, and we're the only car out there.
And suddenly, and we're out there slow dancing, dude.
And this girl had some fucking hips on her, bro.
She was built like a fucking barrel with small tits.
And I'm just like, man, all I'm thinking about, dude, I'm so erect, bro.
My dick is climbing up my rib cage, bro.
That thing, like, I'm so erect, my dick starts kind of peeking out of the top of my shirt, bro.
That's how erect I was, bro.
I was fully erect.
And that's when you, dude, you could get so erect, your penis could be like 19 inches long sometimes.
You're like, what the fuck?
One of your legs would disappear and just, your dick would just grow a foot out the top of it.
You know, just crazy times being young.
And she and I are slow dancing and suddenly a car goes across the parking lot right off the boat launch and it bounced kind of on the watertop and just ended up out in oh shit is this audio popping the whole time Jesus I don't know and it just went it bounced off the water because it was probably going about 40 miles an hour right off into the water and then it sunk and it sunk probably about 15 feet away from the shore so now she and I and this is a huge parking lot by a boat
launch and she and I are the only people out there there's not it's a half mile to get to any anything there's a bar about a half mile away so she and I jump in my mom's car and ride across the boat launch right across the parking lot we pull up park the car so the headlights are facing out on the water and you can see the car now is completely submerged in the lake in the lake poncho train and so
she and I run to the end of the boat dock that's there and we got to get in I mean this car is underwater you know you can still see the headlights of the car that went underwater are near the top of the water but they're still a couple feet down and they're still on the headlights are still on so we're scared man we're spooked you know we spooked up you know we spooked up like a couple of fucking um you know like a couple of uh like a couple of frogs you know like a couple of
frogs playing with fireworks we're scared and and so we we get down to like our skivvies really and we got to get in this water and i'm like all right let's get in and she goes on the count of three and i'm thinking like the count of three fucking somebody's drowning you don't do one two three jump in the water when somebody's drowning you fucking just jump in and i'm saying the dumbest shit ever and this girl was on the swim team this girl was on the actual swim team not doing blowjobs
and swallowing she was on the actual swim team you know and she was also doing blowjobs but she was not that's not why people said that she was on the actual team that had a group that went to other places and swam against other groups of people that wanted to swim and so next thing you know she's like one two i jump on three she doesn't jump now i'm in the water by myself i'm swimming over i get onto the car you know because you can kind of get onto the now i'm standing on the top of the car
that's submerged underwater and i got to go down i have to you know i i go underwater hold my breath go underwater the driver's side window is is open i reach in the car nobody's in the driver's seat so i'm like fuck you know somebody you know they got knocked around or whatever i um i go back up get another breath of air go down again feel around in the passenger seat and they had um they had
what i think and this might sound crazy they had a ham somebody had a seasonal ham right there you know what you could get one of those big hams remember they used to have that show supermarket sweep and the thing you had to get was the farmer john hams them things was worth 30 32 dollar and man you'd see you know you your teammate would be running around and this was a game show where two people would go to a supermarket and they would run around and get a bunch of shit
into a cart and they would get money for doing it it was the greatest game show ever basically one of the greatest games ever played next to maybe nfl football and the teammate would always be at the front by the register yelling get the ham get the ham get the ham get the ham so anyway in the passenger seat i swear to god they had a farmer john ham right in there and i touched that thing bro it was this cold fucking big
ham and i thought it was an and when bro and we're talking pitch black i'm underwater it's nighttime it's nighttime it's 930 at night you know and all my you know like i'm scared my i'm erect dude and you know you got some meat on you if you were erect and possibly possibly could be finding a dead body and that was that young cat when you had that young cat boy you'd be erect bro you could be fucking digging graves and
staying erect and uh so anyway i touched this ham or whatever it was and i think it was definitely a ham and i got sick i thought it was a body i thought it was a shoulder i thought it was a head i thought it was an ass cheek i thought it was all of it i thought it was a big huge knee that was swollen maybe somebody broke their knee in the crash and they had a huge swollen knee that felt like a ham i thought all this shit so i start vomiting just out of fear just vomiting underwater so now i come back out of the water i get
out i can't hold my breath anymore to go back down there's somebody in the car i get i swim out i tell the girl you know who put her clothes back on what the fuck you're on the swim team get the hell so now we jump in my mom's car right and i'm nervous because the car seat's getting all wet because i'd stole i'd take my mom's car she didn't know i don't have a driver's license i'm not allowed to use her car and i drove up we drove up we ran to a bar they had a bar called
tea rivers and it might still be there dude it was a great place to get fucking pink eye really in the summer which you don't see that much and that was a strong strand boy right off that chaffuncta river you catch pink eye in the summer off the chafuncta bitch i mean i'm talking the kind of pink eye that would make your fucking throat hurt you know that strong shit and um and uh anyway i go i ran inside the bar i'd never been in there and i'm yelling there's a car went off a gray car went off into the water people come out of the bar
about four people in there probably all alcoholics and because it was not a night where anybody was should be out drinking and they all got in their cars and now they're all drunk driving back up to the place everybody gets out in the water now there's like five people out in the water looking somebody goes back in the car underwater nobody's in there they say they don't feel anybody i see cop lights in the distance i get scared me and my girl you know what i'm saying that swim teamer um we
jump in my mom's car and i take her home and drop her off no blow job and she actually moved away she moved away to a different state like about a month later so that fucking sucked and it turned out somebody just did the uh there was never a body in there somebody had done it for insurance money they'd like you know started the car earlier and put a brick on it or whatever and sent it off into the water so so i was never a hero i was never a hero uh and that shit cost me a blowjob dude somebody trying to catch that
insurance and those are the types of people that are fucking shit up in the world you know those are the type people that say oh i'm important you know it's not about i'm important i'm gonna get this insurance money i'm gonna get this hit i'm gonna fake this pts i'm gonna do that i'm gonna do this you know it's like we need hitters we need we need people that's moving forward but thank you for calling on that fan line let's take another fan line question uh from our live raise fan line here we go my question is why is
it hard for me why do i get so nervous when i talk to very pretty girls very attractive young ladies i just don't okay yeah i mean why I don't know why you do, but I know why I did, bruh.
Because I put them on a pedestal.
I didn't stand a chance with them before I even walked up to them.
I thought that just because they were pretty, that they were more than that as well.
That they were everything.
You know, I'd always felt, and the prettiest woman, or the woman that I always felt was the prettiest since birth, my mother, you know, she left feelings of rejection inside of me.
And I don't even know if she did it on purpose.
I don't think she did.
But those feelings lived inside of my soul at a deep level that I couldn't access and that I still can't.
But inside of me, that made me feel that the woman that I felt cared for the most didn't want me or didn't care for me.
So then when I put a woman on a pedestal and that woman, even in just a moment, becomes the woman that I care for the most, I can't communicate with them.
I feel rejected by them.
I feel negative.
I feel because it was the same that feeling, that's when that feeling that's inside of me that was left by my relationship with my mother, that's when that thing kind of surfaces a little bit.
Because it's the only template I have is that the woman that I thought was the most beautiful and always would in my soul, my mother, the one we all feel that way about, our mother, if there's rejection from them, then for me, this is what I find.
When I would put a woman on a pedestal, I would feel that rejection again.
You know, and I would not be able to talk to them.
I would not be able to have a voice because the woman that I cared for the most didn't allow me to have a voice or didn't help me express myself.
And so therefore, women, future women that I care about, I wouldn't be able to express myself around.
So that's just for me, man.
For you, I don't know.
It could be some of that.
You sound like a caring guy.
You know, you called in here to think about it with me.
So obviously you're caring.
But I think approaching women first to have a friend.
Don't think like, I would be like, fuck, about to walk over and see if this bitch wants to be my wife.
Fuck no.
You know how much pressure that is for a woman?
Don't even know.
And now some man wants to marry them just because they're pretty?
That's crazy.
That's crazy.
And the last thing I want to be around my whole life is a miserable, is a girl that's pretty but is miserable.
I don't give a fuck, dude.
I don't care how pretty you are.
You know what I'm saying?
If you're so pretty, but that's all it is, man.
That would be my worst nightmare.
I don't even want to be in an Uber pool with that bitch.
You know?
But thanks for calling, brother.
Onward.
My name is Alex, and I was wondering if there's any advice you could offer up regarding a loved one who sleeps loud.
When I say that, I mean he like snores and yells in his sleep.
At this point, anything helps.
Okay, so you got that loud sleeper.
You know what I'm saying?
You got that fucking Benjamin Barksdale.
You got somebody being loud next to you while you're trying to sleep.
First of all, that's insane.
Do you know that?
That's an early warning sign of insanity.
Somebody who, when other people are trying to sleep, is violent in their sleep.
You know what I'm saying?
I was eating this girl.
She liked to wake up in the middle of the night and catch a fucking handful of Skittles in the face.
Come on.
You know, she wanted to eat Skittles.
She'd keep a bowl of Skittles by the bed and just drop them S Kittles into her throat out of a dead sleep.
Always fighting in her sleep.
Sweating.
It's wild, man.
It's wild.
They got some violent sleepers out there.
They got fucking people out there sleeping in Vietnam.
I'm like, damn, where are you sleeping in?
Vietnam?
Come tighten up.
If he's loud, shut him down.
Put him in the other room.
And I would also try him on different sides of his body.
If he's loud, roll him on his side.
If he's loud again, roll him on the other side.
He's got four sides.
Try all four.
If he's violent, maybe tape his legs together or tie his legs together.
You know, you can also try some of that metamucil.
You know what I'm saying?
Metamucil makes you have to go to the bathroom and do number twos.
And if you're on that metamucil, look, you're not going to sleep real heavy because your butthole is going to be real alert.
Because, dude, look, man, your butthole gets alert.
It feels like your booty wants to whistle.
But then it is, it's number twos.
You're doing number twos.
And so that metamucil will do that.
So maybe put them on a little bit of metamucil.
But thank you for calling there about that loud sleeper, man.
Come on, people sleeping fucking loudly?
Get it together, dude.
Get it to fucking gather.
You're a loud sleeper, you asshole.
How much more selfish could you be?
Tell them to tighten up, baby.
You tell them I said it.
Let's take another call here.
This is from George Davis.
Hey, Theo, this is George from Texas.
Man, I just wanted to say thanks for all your laughter you provide.
It's really helping me get through a tough time right now in my life.
Oh, you're welcome, George, man.
You know, it's the least I can do, man.
This is my service, I guess, you know, or being a part of this world.
And thank you for calling in because this is us.
This is us, man.
More.
Man, see, like a lot of other people, I, you know, work my ass off trying to find a place to buy and move into eventually.
And it was a cabin up in southern Colorado.
Ooh, you got that so-called that so-called that southern Colorado cabin, huh?
Mm.
That sounds good, dude.
I'll let a fucking carp jump in my, just jump into my, one of those sacks.
You catch them carp sacks.
And people catch exotic mountain lions and shit out there.
And you could hunt out there.
And you could.
A lot of weird shit happening out there.
People killing their spouses and stuff like that.
People going missing.
Just an overall real, you know, people finding treasure.
Just an overall adventurous area.
Let's hear more.
Just a good place to get away from all the stress and problems that come with living in the big city.
But Man, all that shit changed this weekend when some self-confessed anarchist just burnt down the whole fucking forest, 40,000 acres up in flames.
They still don't have it contained right now.
Damn, bro.
I didn't know all that shit was happening.
They shouldn't sell matches at gas stations.
I've been saying that shit.
How you selling matches right next to fucking gas, bro?
You know what I'm saying?
I got anarchists out there.
They should have anarchist tests.
Test people to see if they're fucking anarchists, dude, when they're in high school.
You know what I'm saying?
Give them a match and give them a piece of cotton and tell them do not light this piece of cotton on fire.
If they do it, do fucking lock them down or shut them down.
You know what I'm saying?
Give them one of those remote control scarfs and fucking hack out.
Shut them down.
Let's hear more.
I mean, I just thinking about all my neighbors that lost their house and all the firefighters and police, you know, that are doing a good job to contain all that shit.
Yeah, fire is dangerous, dude.
Fire will fuck you up, dude.
Fire can do all kinds of stuff.
Fire can turn dough into a fucking muffin.
Fire can make a biscuit.
Fire can light a hallway.
Fire can burn down the damn earth, dude.
Onward.
They arrested the guy and he's in jail right now.
But man, it's just been a really tough time.
And your comedy, your style of humor really helps me get through it.
I've been thinking about it a lot, listening to the podcast.
And man, it makes me feel like I'm hanging out with one of my older cousins from Oklahoma.
You know, they're always funny and had that kind of same view on life that you do.
Well, thank you, man.
I appreciate you saying that, George.
You know.
Yeah, you know, I'm glad.
If I can be that sometimes, like an escape or something or a change of pace, man, I'm happy to, you know.
That's nice of you to say, man, because that makes me feel like I'm doing something positive.
You know?
And I think all of us, you know, all we really want at our core is to feel like we are making somebody else feel good, you know?
I think really at our core that all I want is just to is to do that.
You know, I think we all want to do that, man.
You got me getting emotional here a little bit, man.
Yeah, it makes me, when you said that, it made me feel, you just made me feel something.
I'm trying to figure out what it is.
You made me feel like I was doing something for somebody else, I guess.
Or you made me feel like of service.
Or you made me feel like I had some importance.
Like, not in a selfish way, but just that I was doing something not for myself.
And I appreciate that, man.
That made me feel good when you said that.
So thank you, George, bro.
And you'd be safe out there, dude.
Stay out the fire.
You know what I'm saying?
Stay out that.
Don't buy a kerosene coat from nobody, or we won't see you again.
But if you want a kerosene coat, you could probably get one here in China, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
Bro, you could get a butt plug that's made out of bubblegum, son.
This is going to be bad breath all month after that fucking wild night.
Thank you for calling, George.
Let's have another call here.
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Here we go.
I was just talking to my girlfriend about what it is that I like about you and your act, too, I'd say.
Thank you.
And this is a call from Darren Henderson.
And Darren Henderson is a person.
Here we go.
It's that you seem like you haven't lost a sense of wonder that almost every child has.
And that's what I like about you.
That's what I decided.
So I wanted to thank you for that.
And so I realize that's not a question, but I'm just running that by you.
I wanted to get a response from you.
Either way.
Thanks, Darren.
That's nice of you to say, man.
You know, I remember on a class trip to Disney World when I was young, and we honestly, I'll be honest with you, we ate some LSD.
And we fucking, dude, we saw it all, son.
You know what I'm saying?
I saw, man, I saw people and I saw machines and I saw it all, dude.
And I saw a great bird come out of the far north.
And man, he had fucking strong hands.
And I saw him fucking touch my eyeballs with his fevery fucking feelings.
But sorry, but let me get this back to you.
So anyway, I was at Disney World and they have there on a wall it said, imagination is more important than knowledge.
And I think it's a quote from Einstein or something.
I'm not sure.
But I just remembered seeing that and I got my picture taken next to it.
And it's a popular quote.
But I just knew that that was just my life, man.
That that, you know, I think when I was young, I just hated like, I think sadly, when at a certain point, I hated my life so much or I hated myself.
I don't know what it was.
You know, I just was not, I just did not feel good when I was young.
And I just hurt a lot, man.
I don't even know what, you know, I just, I don't know.
And I'm not sad about it.
I'm not, you know, it's the past.
You know, I can't live there.
That shit's Over.
I'm not living there anymore.
But my imagination, I just needed it.
And so I think God gave me an imagination just because I needed it, man.
You know, I just hated being inside of myself.
I just hated, I just didn't have any tools to feel okay.
And so it was just, you know, and I said, so I think God gave me that.
He gave me a sense of wonder and a sense of imagination.
But yeah, I remember it said imagination is more important than knowledge, and I just loved that.
And I remember telling my teacher that one time.
He said, you're going to fail.
I said, imagination is more important than knowledge.
He goes, well, you're going to fail this test.
And he goes, you got a D. And I said, well, I'm going to imagine that I didn't get a D. And that was it, man.
But yeah, but thanks for saying that, dude.
I guess, you know, I think there's also a lot of shit I don't know.
So, which is most stuff.
So it's like, damn, I might always have a sense of wonder, dude, unless I figure some more stuff out.
But I appreciate you calling, man, and just having me think about this kind of stuff and think about like what it is to wonder.
You know, wondering is like.
Sometimes I think like, okay, so I know this, you know.
I know like a shoe, you know, I know it.
It's a shoe.
But then sometimes it's like, oh, well, it could be a hard foot mitten, you know?
It could be a fucking leather spatula that kind of wraps around your foot a little bit.
You know, I thought about, like, I don't know.
I like to just, I don't know.
Sometimes my brain just serves things to me differently.
I don't know.
This is interesting, a sense of wonder.
You got me thinking about this now.
You got me wondering about wonder, bruh.
But thanks for calling, Darren.
I appreciate that, man.
And tell your girlfriend that she has a boyfriend who likes to think about stuff, and that is of so much value.
We are quickly, quickly catapulting into two types of people in the world, people who are thinkers and people who are not.
And it is happening, I believe, so fast.
And I don't think it ends well for people that aren't.
I don't think it can.
Let's hear another call.
Here we go.
Hi, Theo.
I'm Alex from Idaho.
Hey, Alex.
Thanks for calling in.
And I'm calling because I just relapsed and I'm not feeling very good about it.
Okay, you just relapse and you're not feeling really great about it.
Thank you for calling.
Let's hear more.
I took a shot and I've been clean and sober for about a month.
Okay.
Well, that's okay.
You know, you still here.
You have your voice.
You're talking about it.
You're thinking about it.
You know, you're being active.
Let's hear more.
I'm just kind of feeling down right now, Theo.
I don't feel right about it.
I'm currently walking home from downtown because I don't have my car.
Well, it's probably good.
You don't have your car if you're drinking, you know?
You know, stay away from that vehicle.
You know what I'm saying?
You want to be that killer.
I'm just not proud.
I'm not proud, you know?
I'm just not proud.
And I just wanted some advice.
I wanted some good words from you.
Okay, well, you're not proud.
Yeah, well, it's not a thing of pride.
I mean, you want to have, yeah, well, I'm sorry you don't feel good about it.
But it doesn't make you a bad person because you did it.
You know, you said you had about six weeks.
That's a long time of being sober if you want to be sober.
You know.
And the good thing is you can always start over.
You just started over now.
So it's okay.
You did six weeks.
That's good, man.
You did six weeks.
Dude, my buddy robbed a bakery one time, right?
Fucking idiot, also.
You know, just bake at home.
It takes longer to make as much bread and stuff, but robbing a bakery is dumb.
But he got six weeks.
He got six weeks in a local jail.
So, you know, six weeks is six weeks.
And don't feel bad about yourself.
You can feel bad that this didn't work out, that this, you know, but now you got six weeks, now you have a challenge.
Get more next time if you want to get more.
You know, and also it doesn't sound like you're a bad person.
You didn't sound fucking wasted.
You had a shot.
I remember I've tried to go 31 days one time, and on 30 days, a girl asked me if I wanted a drink, and I had no defense if a woman asked me for anything.
I had no ability to stand on my own two feet at all.
And I said yes.
And man, I didn't feel proud either.
I felt like I gave up.
But here I am a couple years later, and I got two years tomorrow.
So that's okay.
You know what I'm saying?
We still love you.
Keep your shit together.
You know what I'm saying?
Just make sure you wash your crotch up every now and then.
And that's for everybody.
If you're drinking or not drinking, wash your fucking dick or wash your crotch.
Dude, so many people never wash their crotch.
They let the water run over it, but they don't fucking wash it.
Wash your crotch, dude.
I met this girl at the library one time, and she only had eight fingers or eight toes.
I don't remember which one it was.
But she only had 18 of the big 20. And her crotch, damn, boy.
I met her at the library, bro, but that crotch smelled like a fucking card catalog, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
It smelled like Dewey the Decimals.
He'd been decimated.
It smelled like Dewey had been decimated up in there.
So you got to tighten up your crotch, no matter what, man or woman.
You know what I'm saying?
Sud your nuts up.
You Want soap that can fucking predict the future, bruh?
Wash your nuts with it.
Get a bar here from China.
Let's take one more call, man, and then I got to get off the line, man.
I got to get off the line.
It's just been a lot, and we'll get more.
We got a lot of calls that came in, and we'll get more.
But let's take a call right here.
This says Dark Arts in China.
Here we go.
Hey, man, it's Scott up in West Virginia.
What's up, Scott, up in West Virginia?
Thanks for calling.
I hope this call reaches you before you take your flight overseas.
Too late, Scott.
But I'm glad you called anyway, and I'm excited to hear it.
What is it?
You might want to rub one out, I'm thinking.
If you get caught up in the dark arts of the Orient, I don't know what they are, but they sound mysterious and just a bit more dangerous to me.
You might catch yourself with a pair of chopsticks and get a splinter.
And that's the kind where it works itself out.
But I'm thinking you might want to handle business before you have business handled.
Ooh.
Well, I appreciate you looking out for me, man.
You know, and I didn't hear this call until now, but I didn't do that.
You know what I'm saying?
I came up in here fully jocked up.
You know what I'm saying?
I got these, my nuts are fully sauced up.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm showing up with these.
I mean, I could probably sell one of my nuts for $1,000.
A nut full of fucking fancy American straight-up human sauce, bruh?
That's a damn delicacy around here.
Everything's a delicacy.
Dude, you could eat, you know what I'm saying?
You could sell a dove's asshole to somebody over here for probably $250.
I mean, you could do anything.
You know, like, they got all kinds of stuff here.
They have any type of animal you could imagine.
You know what I'm saying?
They got ostriches raised on fucking rare whale semen.
They have ostriches that their whole lives they've only been fed semen from big whales.
And that meat, my God, that meat is.
The meat from those ostriches, bro, will crawl into your fucking mouth and sleep all night.
And then go down your throat.
And that is damn.
I mean, that is the Lord.
That is wild.
But yeah, I didn't do it, man.
I came in here fully up.
And I'm going to leave fully up.
You know, and it's been a good experience.
And I didn't get caught in because you can do all kinds of stuff in China.
You know, saying for $60, you could jerk off into a shark's mouth.
And sure, it's just a dude dressed up like a shark, but still.
You know?
Sure, it's just a dude named Larry Shark, but still.
But no, anything can happen around here, man.
And I appreciate you looking out for me, Scott, but I made it through so far.
And I still have a little bit more time to kill here tomorrow.
But so far, I have made it through.
What else do I want to talk about?
What else?
What else is here?
Not too much, man.
Got some other dates out there I want to tell you about.
Appleton, Wisconsin, Salt Lake City, Washington, D.C., all those things.
You can go get them.
What else, man?
Any other big adventures?
Not much.
Just taking it as it comes and realizing that, man, there's just still so much stuff I can do.
You know, not being hard on myself, but just, man, life is such a crazy challenge.
Somebody sent me an email and it said, man, it said, imagine that you just exist in nothing for eternity.
That your spirit, your energy just exists like, and I'm paraphrasing, exists in eternity, like out in there in the ether.
And he said, life is a moment where you get to come to the forefront of the fishbowl of being, and you get to interact with the other spirits.
Like, life is that.
That's what our lives are.
There's all these other humans and beings and everything out there in the ether, in the space, all these other energies.
And life is this one time period where we get to show up in a form and actually interact with each other before we go back out into the ether.
This is it.
This is it.
We get to be here and feel and love and see and hurt and recover and forgive.
We get to be here, man.
You are fucking here.
You might be at work right now.
You might be wherever, but you're on a fucking planet floating in the middle of space.
And you get to love if you want to.
You get to help if you want to.
You get to forgive.
You get to apologize.
You get to start over.
You get to make it to six weeks sober if you want to.
You get to learn a new language if you want to.
You get to travel to another within this existence.
You can travel to another type of people that speak a whole different language and experience all those feelings and emotions and emoments in a different, with a little bit of a different recipe.
Man, it's fascinating being alive.
We can't control it.
We can take it as it comes.
We can control ourselves.
Man, I'm not trying to preach or anything tonight, but I'm just, I don't know.
I'm in China, man, and I'm just, you know, my yin yangs is up.
My yin yangs is up.
Thank you guys so much, dude.
Thank you guys so much.
Thank you for being here with me.
I'm just grateful.
We got a lot more calls and stuff.
We'll have to get to them later, man, because I got to do to bed.
And I got to edit all this and upload it.
So it's going to be a lot of effort.
But I'm excited to put it in.
I'm excited to put this effort in.
As always, you can hit the hotline if you have a comment, a suggestion.
985-664-9503.
Follow us, support.
I'll see you in Raleigh, North Carolina this weekend.
You know?
And I love you and be good to yourself because you probably deserve it.
Have you thought about that?
You just might.
You're making it.
You know that, don't you?
making it.
I ain't seen home in about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
And I ain't made a dollar I ain't spent.
But where it's going ain't killed me yet.
I still get where I'm bound to go.
Man, it's Bishop Gunn.
I'm making it.
I'm making wrong feel right.
I'm making it.
And it helps where I'm headed there.
I'm making good time.
Come on, you got this.
You're making it.
You got this.
You got this shit today, this week, this month.
You got this.
And most all of my plans slipped right through my hands and wound up next to me, broken on the ground.
If this bottle was an hourglass, I'd say that I'm about an hour past the minute.
I should have put it down But I'm making it.
I'm making all the making it.
And it feels like I'm getting there.
I'm making good time.
Man, this band, they get me, man.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
You got a guest you want to see on here?
You go tell them.
Let's do this, man.
Fucking do this.
Oh, oh, oh.
You can cut out.
Oh, oh, oh.
We can do this next week.
I might feel like we can't, but right now I feel like we can.
Between the lives of the film that I host, I'm left here alone in my state.
But I'm in pretty good shape For the shape that I'm in I'm making it I'm making it I'm making it wrong Feel right I'm making it I'm making it I'm making it good times
I want to thank everybody in Shanghai that came out, man.
You know, to be in another country and somebody comes from your home country, instead of wanting them to bring you something and them and me make them feel a certain way, they made me feel comfortable.
They wanted me to be okay.
Man, just great people.
Great people out here, the Senna.
They got this group out here.
Storm, Brian, Ian, Barney.
Storm, Brian, Barney.
And that fancy weatherman, too.
That fancy fucking weatherman, bro.
That's the wildness, man.
That's the wildness.
You guys, be good to yourselves.
You probably deserve it.
I will see you back in America.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Please, do you?
Well, anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Maine.
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Oh.
I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?