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Let's go.
All right.
It's Monday, April 16th.
It's Monday, April 16th.
This is someday, man.
It's another day that these that the sun and the moon and whoever else made.
Poseidon, Transformers, Voltron, everybody.
Everybody making it happen.
Everybody making it happen.
Good to be here with you guys.
I just, let's get into it.
I just got back from my hometown.
You know, I was down there in Covington, Louisiana down there.
And, man, we were shooting a pilot for this project.
It's like a low-key small-town detective series.
So, you know, big-time shows, they have like dateline murder mystery.
You got to really murder somebody.
You got to chop off somebody's arm or steal somebody's wig or but with their head hooked to it to really make that, you know, to make a real crime.
But in this show that we were pitching, it's more about small-town mystery, crime, paranormal.
You know, the kind of shit that, you know, you don't know what happened.
You know what I'm saying?
You played hide and go seek and one dude y'all never found.
But if you go out in the woods at night, you can still hear him counting.
You know, that kind of stuff.
Somebody stole a pie off of somebody windowsill and then suddenly everybody had diabetes in the whole town.
You know, a bunch of lice came through and things got crazy.
A bunch of lice came through and they made it with termites.
And next thing you know, they had people, you know, they had little bugs that were eating houses and making people itch.
So it's that kind of show where you go into small towns and you investigate what could be happening.
So that's what I did, man.
I just got back today.
And we had a good time.
We had a good time down there in Covington, Louisiana.
And what have you guys been up to, man?
What have you guys been up to?
What you've been up to in your life?
What's going on?
Somebody had a birthday this weekend.
You know, sometimes things happen so fast.
It's like, and I don't know if it's because I'm older or because you get used to doing things.
But things happen so fast, it's like I can't even, it's not that I can't enjoy them.
It's just that, I don't know.
I guess I've just gotten used to them.
You know, it used to be, remember when you first went over to somebody's house for a birthday party?
Huh?
You remember that?
Remember it was like, oh, you know, Kenneth is having a party and you got an invitation.
Remember that shit?
You got an invitation.
And that shit said, Kenneth's house.
Or if his parents were divorced, you'd be like, Kenneth's dad's house.
1 p.m.
to 2 p.m.
That shit only lasted an hour.
When you were a kid, boy, that shit lasted one hour.
And dude, you got up early.
You got up early as hell.
And a lot of times, if we had to get somebody a gift, what my mom would do is say, look around the house, find something Kenneth would like.
And that was like a test as to how greedy you were or not.
Because you know good and well, I'm not giving Kenneth the nice shit.
You know good and well, I ain't giving little itchy ass Kenneth the good shit.
I'm not giving him a new toy that I hadn't opened or, you know, some money or anything.
So I go around the house, bruh.
Come back to my mama about maybe an hour later.
Have something all just in a little box or bag.
My mom looking there, it would just be like my bed sheet.
Just fold it up.
I'd be like, this is for Kenneth.
My mom be like, what the fuck?
You giving Kenneth your bed sheet?
That's insane.
Go find something else for Kenneth.
And you would do something wild.
You would maybe break Kenneth off a couple cheese slices or something.
You know, or maybe something, you know, you wrap him up a couple of batteries or something.
It was just different.
You find anything around the house.
Oh, Kenneth will love this Phillips head screwdriver.
You know, the next thing you know, four-year-old Kenneth out there with a Phillips head.
It just, those were the days.
But remember that when you went to somebody's party, you were like, mom, is it time to go yet?
She'd be like, no, it's 9 a.m.
You'd be like, oh, fuck.
What comes after 9?
1 p.m.
And she'd be like, no.
No wonder you wrapped up a bed sheet for Kenneth.
But that was it.
You were so excited.
You would brush, dude.
You would brush your hair.
You would comb your hair and brush your hair.
I remember combing and brushing my shit, putting that hairspray, dude, because I grew up in the hairspray belt.
You know, you fix all, everybody put hairspray on everything.
You know, sometimes if your carpet got real old and mashed down, I remember in my neighborhood, a lot of mothers would go around with like a Brillo brush kind of, and brush it up and then spray it with hairspray to give it that pop.
You know, to give you a step that give you, you know, put a little bit of, it would put a little bit of crunch under your barefoot in the house, but it would give your carpet that lift, make it look fresh and new right off that carpet truck.
Because they also had, if you wanted to get carpet, they had a carpet truck about every six months come through and it would park up there off a Lee Road down by where I was from, and you'd go up there and pick a color out, and they'd have three or four colors.
You know, maybe get you in, one of the colors would always be fucking crazy.
You'd be like, damn, they got a fuchsia.
So, but you know, a couple sisters come through and grab that fuchsia out of the gate.
A couple brothers or a couple loped out white dudes come through and they put carpet in their fucking car.
I mean, it wasn't crazy when I was young to get into somebody's car and have it fully covered in carpet.
I mean, it was just a different time back then.
It was just more of a style thing.
But yeah, you remember that birthday party?
And then there was fucking Kenneth's gift.
And that thing was sitting on the table.
And man, all morning you had to walk around and just, you were like, fuck, man.
Why Kenneth getting everything?
And I ain't getting nothing.
And by about 11 a.m., that's what your mom would be hearing.
I never get anything.
Kenneth gets everything.
And meanwhile, you don't even fucking know who Kenneth is.
You were one of those second or third degree friends that you just got, you know, that was back when you got invited because you had to.
You know, that was like the old Facebook four-year-old birthday parties.
It was like you had to know people.
You had no escape.
So 11 a.m., you crying now in the living room.
Kenneth's shit is all wrapped up.
You can't even remember what you got him.
You didn't fucking get him shit.
You gave him a couple color pencils that you had, you know, and maybe a yo-yo.
Y'all got a little 40-cent yo-yo or something.
Put it in there.
Meanwhile, you don't even know Kenneth, the dude in your class, ain't even got any arms.
So now you fucking getting an armless kid a yo-yo, but you're not even there yet.
So you crying, you pissed off.
Your mom's pissed off now.
She's yelling, fuck Kenneth.
Fuck Kenneth's party.
And now you're defending yourself.
You're defending Kenneth.
Kenneth, his mom is a nice lady.
Now your mom's pissed at Kenneth's mom.
Your mom starts whooping your ass because you're crying and screaming and fighting in the living room.
Now you got your ass beat.
Ow.
You cry yourself to sleep.
You take about a 40-minute nap.
It's 20 to 1. You get up.
It's time to go to Kenneth's.
And you get to Kenneth's.
And man, the place is lit.
The place is lit as fuck.
People got Kool-Aid all colored on their mouth from drinking Kool-Aid.
They got that one four-year-old kid.
He can't even fucking talk yet.
You know, they got another.
They got one kid sitting by themselves just looking at the wall.
They got that kid, little Andrea.
You know, and they just living life.
And somebody's in the backyard and somebody ran and, you know, they got a sprinkler fucking going.
And it's a real shithole, but it don't matter because this is Kenneth Party.
And those are the days, man, I remember those days.
And we would go to this place called Roller Kingdom.
Now, sometime whenever you got about six or seven, you know, you was able to skate.
You had that ability to skate.
And so you go to straight up Roller Kingdom, man.
It was dark in there.
People touching each other's assholes and everything.
All kind of wild shit.
I mean, it's so dark, you fucking, you'll, you know, you'll lick your sister's titty in there.
And that's natural activity out there.
Because look, man, when roller skates come on, that shit got me hard, bro.
I was that little jouster out there on them skates, dude.
I'll just be jousting with an erect.
You know, I'll be out there just skating, but with that erection.
And when you're young, you get that erection, but I don't kind of hide it.
Now, if I get an erection, I'm like, oh, somebody's going to complain or start something.
But when I was young, over there by Roller Kingdom, and I'm popping off, you know, and I'm sprouting, I'll push my pelvis forward, boy.
I skate penis first, boy.
I want everybody to see that I'm here to battle the dragon.
And that's how I do it.
And those were fun, man.
I remember little kids' parties.
Dude, one kid's house I went over to.
I was just about hit purby.
I went over to this one boy's house.
And I didn't even go to the fucking party.
Dude, the party's in the backyard.
I saw his sister's bedroom.
Dude, I stopped in there.
Had my head in her panty drawer, bruh.
Dude, I had my face in that panty drawer for probably, fuck, that whole hour.
That whole hour birthday.
Because, you know, come about 1.55 p.m., boy, I heard my mom calling from the living room or honking.
My mom was that fucking mom that would pull up and honk, start honking, didn't get, she didn't give a fuck about meeting your mom.
She didn't give a she didn't give a damn about meeting your dad.
She was like the only single mom.
So then other, all these dads were always trying to meet her and shit and walk me out to the car.
My mom didn't give a fuck.
My mom wouldn't even stop the car sometimes.
She'd slow down as slow as a car could go, you know, maybe, which is maybe about, you know, 40 feet every maybe seven seconds.
She would slow down as slow as you could go.
And then you'd have to get in, man.
My mom wasn't fucking playing.
My mom didn't play.
My mom was efficient and pissed off.
And that's where I came from.
But yeah, this weekend we're back in my hometown, man.
And it was kind of crazy going back.
Like we had a crew of about eight of us went down there.
And this show is like, you know, like a scully and molder.
And we chase small town crimes.
You know, you know, and it could be anything.
You know, a house went missing or, you know, they find a bunch of, you know, baby doll heads in the woods, that kind of stuff.
You know, the dark arts.
We out there chasing it.
And in my town, a bunch of monkeys got out.
You know, when I was young and a couple other times, a bunch of monkeys got out of the primate center and they were living and hiding in different places and hiding in the dumpster by the Popeye's chicken.
They caught a couple eating pizza and they're up to some wild shit in my town.
You know, they were doing all kinds of lab testing out there, making different hybrid animals.
You know what I'm talking about?
They have like, you know, an alaguan, which is just like an alligator and a swan, rat crows.
You know, you get that raccoon and that crow.
They got everything.
And so, you know, in my town, they've had rumors of all types of wild activity, humanzies, chimpumans.
So we got in there and started just asking around.
Man, we interviewed people that had been fired from the place, from this primate center.
We interviewed the man that was a director there for 30 years.
We got into it, boy.
We were traveling around.
We had an old grand marquee and my sidekick, this beautiful young comedian, and we got into it, man.
So, and what else did it make me think of?
Oh, I went to my old junior high school, and that was pretty cool, man.
That's where I got a lot of my early erections were in junior high.
So even just getting back in that building, it made me feel, I don't guess it made me feel a little bit old, but it reminded me of some just damn standout erections.
Because I had this early thing, this habit, when I would get an erection when I was young, you know, when I was really young, I didn't know what was happening.
I would get one and I would put it on, set it on a piece of paper, and I'd get my pencil and draw an outline around it and save it.
You know, because that way if I went to the doctor, I could show the doctor kind of what was happening.
You know, just show him these, you know, just, you know, these cock sketches.
And so I would just outline that sucker and just outline it and do all of that.
And my penis had that low-key curve to it, too, out of the gate.
I think, you know, I don't know if my penis was really ready to be erect.
Because sometimes some things you're ready for in life and some things you're not.
And I don't know if my penis was really ready to be erect when it was.
But I think my imagination started reaching out, you know, reaching for ideas of breasts and vulgarity and crotches and all of that.
And so my mind was reaching out for these dark arts.
And that my penis, your penis will follow your imagination.
Your penis is just, it's basically the little brother to your imagination.
I mean, it just tags along behind, you know, it's like the shadow of your imagination.
And if your imagination is sprung, then that penis starts to just, but my penis had that low-key curve to it, you know, that little, just like it was trying to just kind of peek around a cabbage ball.
You know, like it was trying to peek around a small cantaloupe.
Like it heard something in the next room.
You know, I had that wild boner.
But, oh, listen to this.
Speaking of boners, okay, I'm on the flight home and I fell asleep.
You know, I fell asleep on the plane of natural causes.
And I wake up.
There's a lady next to me handing me a blanket.
And she said, sure.
And she said, sir, your body is showing.
I'm like, what?
What's going on?
And she goes, your body, sir.
And I'm looking down and I'm sprung up.
You know, I'm showing root.
You know, I'm erect.
Because I wear these special pants sometimes when I fly and they, you know, keep a lot of blood from going into my legs and everything.
And sometimes that blood will store up in my wiener.
And I'm erect.
And this lady's like, I don't want to have to call the flight attendant.
Like, what?
And I'm thinking at first, I thought, well, you know, I didn't really, in my mind, I'm like, I just woke up.
Like, what am I doing?
Am I doing something odd or profane?
No.
And this lady basically is calling me out because I have an erection.
Because I'm a natural man on an airplane.
And this freaking frump, I mean, this lady was a straight-up Frumpkin.
You know, looked like a little, she looked kind of like a dude, but like kind of like just kind of maybe decent legs, kind of.
She looked like a full trash bag, but somebody had put like legs on it that had maybe ran a 5K, but about six years ago.
You know, she looked like she had just kind of big tits, but not even cool tits.
You know, really just more belly hiding in her breasts, really.
And she was like just kind of jacked in the chest.
You know, this straight up frumpkin.
She was from New York or Jersey or something.
Just kind of a know-it-all kind of.
And her husband's sitting right there.
And I'm like, it was something, you know, like, I'm like, I'm sorry, ma'am.
You know, that's a natural thing.
You know, I'm sleeping.
And she's like, yeah, well, you know, it's not very appropriate, is the word that she used with me.
And that's what shook me.
What's not appropriate?
I can't have an erection.
First of all, bitch, it ain't for you.
This ain't your erection.
The funny thing is, I'd have to fall asleep next to you to even get an erection.
Because you look like somebody that just do chest exercises every day since they were about 16 months old.
And you got a big old jacked chest and nothing else.
And your breasts look all freaking, your breasts look like two fucking just fat kids asleep in the sun.
And one of them got some moles on it and looked like somebody spilled chocolate on one of them chubby boys.
And you're trying to tell me...
You're not going to back me up?
Fucking white, dude.
Both of them were white.
And it's just like, damn, dude, I looked at that dude.
I was like, wow.
You're a man.
Your wife's sitting here.
And how can I get called out for having an erection?
Like, that's a crime, bitch.
None of us would be here if it wasn't for an erection, you stupid Muppet.
You frumping latte.
Man, if that bitch was a drink, I would spill that bitch, man.
Just made me mad, dude.
I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to get angry, but I can't get an erection in my sleep anymore in public.
And I don't even know if an airplane's public.
It's got to be international waters, but air.
We're in the freaking sky.
I'm halfway to the sun, lady.
Don't be shocked if I erect up, okay?
Don't be shocked if my cock starts looking for, you know, looking for some hope.
My body's probably scared.
I'm, you know, 30,000 feet off the earth.
And things happen in a man.
I mean, you could tell this bit, they didn't have any sex like this couple.
You know, not that I have really of a good one, but just made me mad.
You know what it made me feel like?
I mean, I guess it made me like feel bad for being like a man or something.
Or she was making me feel like, you know, because I had an erection or something that I was being wild, you know, that I was, you know, like, damn, I mean, is that what it's come to?
You can't even be a man anymore?
I had pants on and underpants.
You know, those are, that's the correct amount of coverings.
You know, and just because, you know, I mean, I don't know.
Just made me mad.
You know, it obviously made me mad.
I'm still upset about it.
Just made me mad.
You can't, I can't, you know, I'm showing a little.
What if somebody's pregnant?
They can't show their work?
You know, this is just like high school.
I'm showing my work, lady.
That's it.
This is just like grade school.
You know, what if somebody's pregnant?
I'm like, excuse me, ma'am.
You're going to need to tone that down.
No, I wouldn't say that.
You know, it's this freaking lady.
It's just some of this attitude out there that like, I can't, a man can't even be a fucking human.
You know, like there's this crime against men or something.
I don't know what this lady's problem was.
And plus, I got a decent wiener.
You know, I got that short fat.
But that thing big boy, it's like that fucking fat dude at school.
You know, and after the ninth or tenth grade, he quit coming to school because he was just too, he got too big, you know.
They didn't make enough shirts locally that could really partner with him to get him comfortably in a school when he would just stay at the house topless and do homeschool, but still learn.
And people would go visit him on the weekends and stuff until people started to forget about him.
But that's what I got, that short fat.
You know, I got that young mayoral candidate.
And just because I'm bringing heat and this lady's over here frosty as hell, I should have said, man, I wish I would have said something.
I wish I would have said something.
Makes me, you know, it just makes me, just makes me mad.
Anyway, I don't mean to harp on that.
But damn, it's a crime to get an erect.
And you know what's funny is I felt like this a couple months ago.
I was somewhere and I got an erection.
This is during, you know, when the Me Too Times Up stuff was, you know, when every celebrity suddenly had, you know, was a victim of rape and everything.
You know, it's amazing how many celebrities will jump on that ship immediately.
You know, I was right.
It's like we've all been, everybody's been sexually abused, it seems like, in some way.
I mean, here's one thing.
We've all been abused.
Why don't we just agree there?
It's like everybody's trying to out be abused.
It's like, oh, I've been abused.
I've been abused.
I've been abused.
Well, I was molested by, you know, one of my favorite lambs.
We had some lambs.
And I was molested by them at church, during school, you know, by my step, you know, mother's, grandmother's, father, you know, in the past and the future on drugs.
Yes, it happened to me, too.
I'm not shunning the movement, but it's just like, you know, it's like everything's just, it's just, everything's just a part of, you know, like this guy, Comey or whatever, is coming out about the elect, you know, something about Trump and they're in a big fight.
I don't trust any of these Muppets.
I never trusted any of them since I was a kid.
Politicians, dude.
You know, I remember growing up, when you're poor, politicians don't give a fuck about you.
They don't give a fuck.
It doesn't matter what color you are.
I mean, they say that they do.
They don't give the same problems have been around in America since I was a kid.
You know, these politicians aren't doing anything.
It's just a little show.
That's what I think.
But these coming, all these people are all fighting.
I think it's hilarious.
I think it's all the WWE now.
But then suddenly everybody's selling that book.
Oh, here's the book about it.
You know, there's no truth if there's a book attached to it.
How much is truth?
And how much is PR, boy?
But they, um, what, oh, fuck, I wasn't even talking about.
Oh, I remember this.
Dude, one thing I noticed, man, I miss gravel driveways.
It's just something I hadn't seen in so long, man.
We got out into the sticks, dude.
We went and interviewed a friend of mine's brother while we were in my town.
We just, this dude, man, he had the slowest draw when he would say, come on.
He'd be like, come on.
Man, it had me laughing so hard.
Come on.
But they had gravel driveways.
Remember gravel driveways?
That shit was lit.
Somebody was upset, or you went outside and you were upset, you could grab a piece of your driveway and fucking throw it at somebody.
How awesome was that?
You can't do it with this concrete.
You got to have a hammer.
You got to have all of this shit.
You got to have a slingshot, you know?
Or like a buddy to one of those big, huge slingshots.
You could have three people to even, you know, fire off a piece of that big granite or whatever, driveway granite.
But when I was a kid, boy, you walk outside, somebody pissed you off, you pick up a piece of your fucking driveway and throw it at that motherfucker.
Oh, it was cool.
I missed that.
Oh, you hoe.
Oh, really?
Really?
Really?
Pick that thing up.
Dude, most of us, half the time we were outside, all we did was stand around throwing rocks at a stop sign.
If you've ever done that, boy, then we have a lot in common.
And I don't care what color you are, white, black, Latino, you know, different color.
One thing that was pretty cool, I was at my middle school this, or my junior high school this past weekend.
And, you know, a girl that I used to have a little bit of a crush on and used to take, you know, I used to ride to school with her sometimes.
And her mother would give me a ride to school.
She's going to be the principal soon.
And one of the last teachers that still works there from when I went to school there is retiring this year, Mr. Heidelberg.
And he used to, you know, he used to run the low-key special kids.
You know, he'd be running all these special kids.
And that's where that dude, Brian, St. Pierre, that's where this young dude, he was the first Wigga ever, the first white kid that wanted to be black ever.
And they put him in learning disabled classes because they never seen it before.
So, you know, you had kids with real learning disabilities, and then you had freaking, you know, Brian St. P just wearing this Charlotte Hornet starter pullover, you know, just shooting invisible jumpers all day on the backs of mentally handicapped kids, you know, just doing fake dunks on people that was drooling and running life like that.
But Heidelberg is retiring.
That dude's retiring.
But we went on to, what did I want to say?
Oh, we went, yeah, we went on to the old school.
We just got to walk around the old school.
And it was just, you know, you know, it was unique to be an adult now.
When I was at the school, they said that one thing that they don't have much of anymore is they don't have as much racial tension as they used to when I was a kid.
And that was pretty cool to hear.
You know, because, you know, at the school, it was probably maybe, I felt like it was like 60, 40 white, black for kids.
And that's all they had.
You know, I didn't have a lot of, we didn't have a lot of other diversity.
Now there's a little bit more.
But it was really cool to hear, you know, this young lady and this other gentleman who are, you know, teaching at the school and who are, you know, potential principal that they don't have that as much anymore.
That kids just don't think about it.
You know, it's not as much of a thing.
So, you know, I think, you know, it's just good to hear because that's the truth.
If that's coming out of a small town, then that's the truth.
And these aren't two people that would say anything to me to make me believe anything different.
You know, I mean, I'm still not saying that it's easy for some people, but I know that it's nice to hear, you know, from an educator, you know, from educators that I personally trust, that at young levels that a lot of kids aren't thinking about that kind of stuff anymore.
You know, I can't imagine what that's like.
Because the truth is, the future of the world, man, it's beige.
It's beige power.
Because if you drive by people at night, if you look off in the distance and people are fucking at night, everybody's a little bit mixed now.
You know, you do everything.
You know, even if somebody's still a little bit racist, they'll yell at somebody to get out of their yard for being one color, but then they'll close the door and practice the moon walk, you know, or practice some bachata or macarena.
You know what I'm saying?
Like everybody's, it's all merging.
You know, it's that beige power.
That's what I say, beige power.
It's all merging.
What else, man?
Oh, I thought about this, dude.
Why does every small town have a dead man's curve in it?
How about this?
Don't have that.
That'd be a great idea because people are dying.
And if anything, it even tempts young people.
They're like, oh, dead man's curve.
Here it comes.
I got that here today.
And that's how it rolls out.
How about don't have, for some reason, every, like whenever we're driving around, we're in all these little places here and there.
I mean, they have towns by me called Bush, Sun, Blonde.
Just one word towns.
Big Branch.
That's named after a fucking stick.
I mean, these are all towns right over by me.
And we're going into them, and everyone has a dead man's curve on the way in.
Beware of dead man's curve.
Beware.
How about don't fucking have that?
Just have the street start to curve a little earlier and just have kind of like a little bit of a bend for a longer period of time.
There's something about small towns.
They love that.
They love to have that chance.
They love to have that chance of death.
There ain't much to do.
Let's fucking take dead man's curve at about 45. See if the Lord wants us this week.
Man, I had a good time.
So that's what I did this past weekend.
I want some of you guys to hit the hotline.
And just, you know, every now and then, you know, we had the contest as to what you did this past weekend.
We'll give out one of these correctional Center blue t-shirts every month.
We still have to mail one to the first dude, but don't worry, man, it's coming.
I've been out of town a bunch.
But we're doing that, so don't worry.
But hit the hotline with what happened in your past weekend: 985-664-9503.
And let us know if something good happened, if something bad happened, let us know.
You know, it's just got to be 60 seconds or less.
And each month we'll put together, you know, the voicemails and we'll give away a prize.
We might be adding some other prizes to that as well.
We're going to bring Nick in in a minute and talk about some things.
What else happened to me?
Oh, I'll tell you this.
You know, when I was young, and if you're on YouTube, it just got a little dark in here, but that's because the powers went out.
When I was young, I got hit by a Pontiac firebird.
When I was young, I got hit by a Pontiac firebird.
And I don't know if anybody out there has ever been hit by a car.
And if you have, you know, we're, I guess we're Eskimo twins.
But I got hit.
I mean, that thing, I was young.
You know, and I just left running across the street.
My mother just told me something.
And I went back to listen to her.
And then I took off running again.
Bam.
Got lit up on that thing.
And you can still see on my calf, on one of my calves, like by the side, there's still a, you know, there's kind of a soft spot there in my bone where that thing hit me, probably doing about 38. And I respected that it was doing 38 miles an hour because if you're doing anything less than a 35 and a damn Pontiac Firebird then or Trans Am, then I couldn't even respect you.
You know, if I get hit by a damn Trans Am going six miles an hour, I mean, I would feel like a little bitch.
But you hit somebody at 38, you know, that actually, you know, it's not great, but it does a little something for me, a little bit of street credit.
And that's what I got.
You know, I got that street credit.
And it was beautiful, man.
I mean, this is back in the day.
This is in 85 or 86. This is back when those things would go 0 to 60 and about almost about 9.2 seconds, 2.5 liter.
You know, 5 p.m., kind of 5 p.m.
blue or whatever color it was, midnight black, whatever it is.
I don't know.
Man, I remember, I just remember, I remember just seeing the car.
That's all I remember.
Beautiful, beautiful car.
But yeah, those are some of the things that popped into my head going home, going home to a small town and just realizing that people just like a slower way of life.
People liked, I mean, I remember I got impatient.
I'm waiting in line.
Everything's kind of, people just like a slower way of life and it feels good.
It felt good to relax.
We're going to get into some news.
We're going to get into some of you guys' calls.
Nick is here.
You know, we also have another producer that's Chris Perez.
He's coming in.
Not today, but I think we're going to interview some, do a couple of interviews this week.
If you, we have that Greyhound breakdown we're going to do this week.
So if you have a story about Greyhound, something that happened to you on Greyhound, hit us up at the hotline, 985-664-9503, and leave a voicemail, let us know what happened.
And also if there's something good that happened to you, you know, there's a lot of joy that happens on Greyhound.
I saw two people get, not married, but I saw two people get annulled.
I saw a marriage, I think, get annulled, annulment.
You know, and that's beautiful when you get off at one stop and your ex gets off at another and you got your whole future ahead of you.
It's kind of beautiful.
So, you know, there's some good things that happen.
So if you have something good that happened, hit the hotline as well, and we'll get involved in all of that.
This weekend, I'm going to be in New Jersey at Bananas Comedy Club.
And Bananas is a comedy club in Hasbrook Heights.
You can come through.
That's April 20th and 21st.
As well, I will be at Cluster Fest in San Francisco, May, sorry, June 1st through 3rd.
Cherokee Casino out in West Siloam, Oklahoma.
And that's June 9th.
Calgary, June 15th and 16th at Yuck Yucks in Canada.
And Tembler Brewing Company in Bakersfield, June 23rd.
The new website should be going live this week where you guys can get involved in more stuff and see more of what's going on.
All tickets and everything available, Theovon.com.
Man, what a week.
I'm just tired, dude.
I fucking get tired.
But I am happy to be able to come home and be here with you guys.
And I want to get to some of y'all's calls and think about some things with you guys and hear what's going on in your life.
So also, another weird thing, I was sorry to keep telling you to hit the hotline, but just if you wanted to hit the hotline, just tell me what you do.
Who are you?
Who are you that listens to this podcast?
Hey, Theo, my name is So-and-so, and this is what I do for a living.
And I have, you know, one or two or three or four kids or no kids.
Or, you know, I'm homosexual or I'm straight edge or I'm asexual or I'm, you know, I just died in a fire.
I'm a ghost, whatever.
Hit the hotline and let me know who you are if you feel like it.
Sometimes I just want to know who listens so I can know that.
All right.
We'll be back.
Literally, there's going to be no commercial break.
We're going to stop right now and then we're going to be back.
We're going to roast a couple of songs as well.
See you in a second.
And we are back.
Let's play one of the songs that came in.
Nick.
Nick Davis is in here with me.
Yes, sir.
This is Theo Von Track by Billy the Kid.
We are out here to laugh, to joke.
Damn, somebody sent this in, huh?
Out here to laugh, to joke.
Want your titlet, man.
Damn.
Want your title, man.
This sounds like drug use.
Like drug use.
Like drug use.
All right, cut that off.
Who's that from?
That is Billy the Kid.
That's Billy the Kid sent that in.
And that is, uh, what did that sound like?
That sounded like some dude looking for something in a library, I feel like.
Yeah, it's something.
It sounded like he was on drugs walking through a library looking for a book.
Yeah.
When I was young, I was in the library and some, they had a boy, and he could have been Japanese or he could have just been kind of, you know, just local.
And he set my hair on fire one time at a library.
And one of my friends had to beat my hair out with a periodical because it was pretty lit.
yeah, and that was you know, that's back though, honestly, when life was more fun.
So that's what's crazy, you know, that that's childhood is supposed to be more fun, but that's the kind of shit that was going down.
And they buried one kid and thank God everybody fucking dug him up.
What else, ma'am?
What else is going on?
Let's get into some of the news, man.
Thank you guys for being here with us.
Nick just stepped in and we got some news, some calls, right?
What do we have on?
Yes, sir.
We got some news first.
There's some heavy stuff went down, but some lighthearted stuff as well.
First of all, President Donald Trump ordered a military strike on Syria early Saturday in coordination with France and Britain.
The White House intended the strike to deter Syrian President Bashar al-Assad from using chemical weapons after a suspected attack using sarin and chlorine gas killed dozens of people last week in the rebel stronghold of Doua east of Damascus.
That's crazy, man.
So they ordered a military strike?
Yes, sir.
And they got it.
Yeah, and we had the approval of France and Britain, our allies.
Huh.
Well, let's see.
Look, man, I mean, it's like, what are you going to do?
I mean, I know they were using gases and stuff over there on children, and you saw pictures of that.
If that's true, then, I mean, it's just uncalled for.
You know, it's uncalled for.
So, the only thing is these days, how do you like go about like making sure nobody gets hit and this, this sort of thing?
But then I think that that's where you get away from like some of the country mentality and just get into like an individual mentality.
Like when I was young, it was just like, you know, us against another country.
Do you remember that?
Yes.
Yeah.
It was like Russia.
You just didn't, you didn't think about like each person.
And it's probably not the best way to, you know, in some ways, it wasn't very humane, probably, because you're not thinking about each individual human.
But then that was, I think, you know, we're still coming off of a colonial time where people were like, you know, taking each other's land.
And, you know, does that make any sense, you think?
Yes, definitely.
It's very confusing who's associated with who.
We're bombing Syria, but it's somewhat to get to Iran and Russia.
It's, yeah, definitely.
It seemed like more black and white back in the day.
But sometimes I look, I like a little something.
It almost makes you feel, you know, makes you want to, you know, hug your lady or fucking, you know, jerk off in a neighbor's mailbox or something or do something wild.
Because I feel like when the missiles hit the air, sometimes it makes you just feel a little bit more alive.
Is that weird?
No, it's end times.
You gotta have your fun at the end.
Yeah.
They say if you're trapped in a freezer, somebody told me this one time, that you're trapped in a freezer that you can stay erect for, like it's almost impossible not to stay erect because your body starts to think that you're dying and that it wants to procreate.
And the same thing like in a fire, like as you're burning, you'll get an erection.
Man, I would hate to see you on fire while you're in a plane.
What kind of erection you'd have then?
Oh, that's a good point.
If a plane's going down, boy, somebody's getting that free hit.
What else we got?
Former first lady Barbara Bush is in failing health and she has decided not to seek further treatment.
A source close to the family said the 92-year-old former first lady is being cared for at her home in Houston and has decided she does not want to go back to the hospital.
She has been on oxygen for some time and she's currently joined by her family, including former President George H.W. Bush.
Oh, that's it.
And former Governor Jeb Bush and former President W. Bush.
Huh.
Man, I always thought that she looked like shit, honestly.
You know, and that's, you know, she, but she's probably seemed like a nice lady.
I just always thought that she, you know, that George W. Bush didn't chase a lot of hotties.
You know, but that's back when, I mean, he kind of took that Rosie the Riveter type of chick, that tough, she looked like she could have been early MMA.
You know, early grassroots type of stuff.
Maybe she fought in Charleston a couple times.
You know, maybe she fought in Lexington.
Maybe she fought over in Birmingham or Meridian, Mississippi.
You know, maybe one time got out to Oklahoma for like some sort of, you know, battle of the bulge, kind of, you know, middle of the country sort of thing.
But she looks like she definitely could have probably caught a fist fought.
She looks kind of a tough broad.
Definitely, definitely.
I could see her fighting Don Fry, one of their early UFC stars.
Oh, yeah.
Or Big Kamala.
Remember that guy?
Yes.
Yeah.
Okay, who else, man?
What else?
Anything else in the news?
Let's see.
A daycare worker reportedly built a drug den inside a Missoula, Montana YMCA learning center.
Ooh.
The facility's laundry room was outfitted with a battery-powered light, makeshift curtains, shelves, and an air filter, and a small glitter case containing snort tubes, lighters, glass pipe, and a vial of methamphetamine were all found.
There you go, man.
Well, look, and I've always figured this.
Daycare and drug use, how can you should, you can't outlaw it because you're telling me you're going to drop your fucking kids off by me.
And look, most of these daycares, dude, I used to work at one.
I think it was called A-O-K Ranch or some fake name.
And people would drop their kids off all day.
We had them in a long, it was a trailer.
It was basically an empty trailer that we'd put different like letters, alphabet on the wall.
And we didn't even have all the fucking letters.
We had to draw some of the letters on the wall.
So we had some real letters, some drawn on letters or painted on.
And then we had kids age four to, I think 12 all in the same room in this big trailer.
We would watch movies and they would change clothes behind these men's and women's curtains in the back and we'd take them to swim in this big cistern that somebody had spilled a bunch of damn flour or powder in.
And so the water was all chalky.
So we'd take them down the hill to swim in there.
Who even knew it was in that shit, bro?
You couldn't see the bottom.
The bottom was literally only about 14 inches away.
And then one time, this man named Wild Bill would come down.
He'd take photos of the kids and stuff, you know, for like about three weeks.
So I go to my boss one day, Big Tiff, this lady that ran it, and I was like, you know, do we ever get to see the pictures from Mr. Bill?
And she's like, who's Mr. Bill?
And I'm like, the photographer.
She's like, we don't have a photographer.
She's like, you know, we don't even have electricity here in the front building.
I'm like, well, fuck, boy.
Somebody's been coming down.
We've been posing with them.
Dude, we were doing pyramids and like throwing kids up in the air and stuff.
And, you know, it's just, so you're telling me that these people are watching kids all day and they can't do a little bit of dope here or there, take a hit?
And here's the thing, as a parent, you know what you're getting when you drop your kid off.
You can tell when you, if you get there and they got a little fence or something, you know, or they're put or they got, you know, the lady has pepper spray around her neck.
You know what the fuck you're getting into.
So I don't blame the, I don't know if I blame the people that are working there trying to have a side hustle, make a little bit of dope.
You know, it's tough times.
You know, do I think that they should be doing that around kids and cooking up methamphetamines around kids?
No, I don't.
But do I blame them for trying to run two businesses at the same time and not being sure which way to go?
You know, I don't, I understand it because it's, it's hard.
Nobody wants your shitty kids.
Because here's the thing.
A lot of times, though, kids are either good.
Like I find my brother's kids sometimes are good when they're around me and they'll be bad or when they're around him.
But sometimes that's not the case, man.
You know, and if these people need to, you know, have a side hustle, then do it.
I mean, I'm glad that she didn't have the kids involved in it, though.
Now, that, for me, is that's a no-no.
What else do we have?
Actor Will Farrell escaped from a violent car crash relatively unscathed.
The actor suffered minor injuries after the SUV he was riding in flipped over on the Los Angeles freeway late Saturday night.
Wow.
We're going to the quad.
Could you imagine that if Will Farrell got into a car accident by you?
The weird thing about some celebrities, it's hard not to run up on them and, I think, expect them to make you laugh.
Like, what if you ran up to Will Farrell?
He's dying.
You have to do CPR on him.
I think I'd be laughing to it.
Like, it would seem like he was joking.
He was coming back from a San Diego Funnier Die event, and he was in character as Ron Burgundy.
So I don't know if when they got hit, he was in character, but again, it just adds to it.
Yeah, if he rolls out as Ron Burgundy, I mean, there's no way, you know.
And he's coming back from San Diego.
I mean, it all kind of fits.
There's no way.
He's like, like, what's that, Baxter?
There's cheese in the orphan's bedroom.
All right, cool.
Let's get to a couple of calls, man.
What do we got, Nick?
We got Bryce.
What's up, Theo?
This is Bryce from Fresno.
Okay.
Thank you for calling, Bryce.
I appreciate you hitting the hotline onward.
Just wanted to tell you a little bit about what's going on with me.
This past weekend, me and my wife, we made an offer to buy a home.
And we're really excited, man.
It's a big deal for us.
And especially with me, like buying a house with my family, that's not too common, you know.
And my grandma, she unfortunately lost her home.
And I couldn't tell you, man, how many times we moved when I was a kid.
And I just didn't want that for my family, you know.
Going through the prospect right now, and I got a badass wife, you know, that supports me and stuff.
And we make a good team and starting like a new chapter in our life, you know?
So, yeah, I just wanted to share that with you.
Thanks for calling, Bryce.
I appreciate that.
That's amazing, man.
You got first-time homeownership.
And I think, you know, in my family, yeah, I guess, you know, we rented growing up.
But to have that first-time home ownership, that's huge.
And you sound like you might be Latino or Guatemalan.
I mean, you might be American as well, but you might also know Spanish.
Or you have a Lisp that likes Mexican food.
I mean, these are all possibilities.
But I can't even imagine what that's like to be the first one in your family.
Because you're going to start to set a precedent.
You know, now your family is going to become homeowners.
You know, now somebody in your family is going to look at you like, oh, that's Uncle Bryce, you know, or that's my dad, and he's a homeowner.
You know, he pays his mortgage.
You know, your home is going to be something, you're going to have an example of something that you take care of.
You know, you get flower beds.
You and your wife are going to have some traditions you'll be able to build.
And those are some things that I think a lot of, you know, families that travel a lot or move around a lot or families that get, you know, get stuck in just renting, you don't get as much of that.
You know, I remember one of the things that I loved as I got older was running down the staircase.
You know, and it just became a thing where I could like, at some point I was small enough to slide down the rail a little bit.
We had just a, it was just a piece of shit rail like along this wall.
And then I got too big to slide down it and I had to just, you know, then I had to get back to running.
And, but then as I got older, I could literally make it all the way down the staircase in like four steps if I wanted to.
And I just remember there was always some weird monitor in my head that was like, man, you used to have to like hold on to the rail with both hands when you would go down these.
And it just, you know, it's wild how you have like these little things in your home that you'll start to remember.
You know, I would always get jealous when I would go over to kids' houses and they had like that thing on the wall that showed where the kids had grown up and it kept getting taller.
You know, because it just shows some little bit of history.
I remember, you know, I remember like I remember taking out the garbage and things like that and going out to the gate and how the gate would scare me.
And at night, and dude, at night when you were a kid, anything could be in the air.
Anything.
A star might attack you.
A fucking wolf, a tree, the ground might swallow you.
Somebody with a hatchet might show up.
It was always somebody that for me was like with a hatchet.
Like, I'd never even seen a fucking hatchet my whole life.
But in my imagination, they had five motherfuckers that are just hiding in the shadows, hatchet ready, just looking for somebody just like me.
I mean, those are kind of scary thoughts to be thinking about a homeownership, but you're going to have nice stuff, man.
You're going to be able to buy things and put it in your house.
That's going to become your domain.
That's amazing, man.
Congratulations, dude.
You know, I can't, I don't know if I can know of a better weekend.
I don't know if I can know of a better weekend than having that first feeling of being a homeowner.
So congratulations to you.
You're going to set a precedent in your family.
It sounds like we'll become a new thing.
What else we got, Nick?
You know, waking up this morning to the passing of Mitzi Shore was a rough one, man.
That was the first thing I saw as soon as I opened my eyes.
Looked at my phone, went on Instagram, and fuck.
It's like one of those people that you like, like Stan Lee, you know, like one person I was like, fuck, man, I know it's going to happen, and it's got to be really shitty to wake up in the morning and see, you know, one of the passing.
So rest in peace, Mitzi Shore.
Yeah.
Thanks for calling about this, man.
Yeah, I mean, Mitzi Shore passed away last week or over the weekend.
I believe it was Friday.
And I was out of town.
I was out of town, and I felt, I mean, personally, I felt the first thought I had was I felt bad for Paulie.
Yeah, and I mean, you know, Paulie's one of, I mean, he's definitely one of a kind.
He's the only person that, you know, that grew up just thoroughly in that club.
I mean, he has two brothers, Scott and Peter.
But, you know, Paulie's just the one that I kind of know.
So I just felt, I mean, my first thought is felt bad for him as a son.
You know, I can't imagine that.
I can't imagine like there must be some type of a connection thing that probably happens to a man when their mother passes away.
You know, because that's like you guys were connected.
That was like your life force.
And then that's gone.
You know, I'd love to read up and find out if there's like something that happens in our brains or inside of us when that kind of happens.
But yeah, I just felt really, you know, I just felt for Paulie.
And then I thought about this club, you know, that this lady made this club because the comedy store changed my life.
Changed my life.
More than any building on earth, besides the hospital that I was born in.
The comedy store changed my life.
I mean, it's a place that has just given me so many opportunities.
And I just wouldn't even have the little successes that I have today if it wasn't for there or a lot of the friends that I have.
That place has helped me build up confidence on stage, which has carried itself off stage.
That place also, man, great place to buy some cocaine and party, meet some good Poiss or chill out or cock if you're looking for that.
And everything.
You get anything you want at the comedy store.
And to think that this lady started this, a woman started this.
It made me think about feminism too at first.
I was thinking, man, well, this is the kind of feminism that makes sense to me is a woman just doing whatever she wants to do.
You know, I mean, people say they can't do this, they can't do that.
This woman started one of the greatest comedy clubs in the world, if not the.
And this is 40, 46 years ago she started it.
And it's just been, you know, it's had its ups and downs, but it beat out all the rest.
And she was a, you know, she controlled the stage.
She said who passed and who didn't.
I mean, you want to talk about a glass ceiling.
There wasn't one.
If there was, it was a female.
You know, she was the one.
She was, you know, that just made me think, wow, that's the first time I've just felt, oh, that's feminism right there.
You know, you want to see a woman just do something and at the same time have the natural powers that a woman has.
Boom, there you go.
You know, that's not talking about it or tweeting about it or making a fucking poster board or something.
That's just getting out there and living life and at the same time happening to be a woman.
You know, sometimes it just makes it, you know, like Beyonce performed this weekend at Coachella.
Do you see that?
I did.
And she's like the first black person to ever headline Coachella, you know?
And to me, it's like, well, who cares?
Like, why does it always, it's so strange.
Sometimes like, you know, people are like, it's, you know, I'm the first black, I'm the first Asian, I'm the first woman, but I don't know.
To me, I guess if I don't think of things like that, then it's like, why?
But then those are the same people where it's like, well, it doesn't matter that I'm black or a woman or I'm Asian.
To me, it's just like, why does it always have to be, I don't know, why does it always have to be something?
Does it make any sense, Nick?
Yeah, pointing out these differences or these first only separate us rather than looking at us all the same people for sure.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess it's like, yeah, I guess at a certain point, some of the stuff feels like, well, it just, does it feel separating?
You know?
Like, oh, I thought it was just awesome because somebody's performing.
You know, and now it's like, oh, now it's just a, now it feels like, oh, it's not for everybody.
But then I guess, you know, there's this chip on a lot of people's shoulder where there's just, you know, I saw Charlize Theron the other day was talking about how, you know, she didn't know if it's safe to raise her kids in America because of the racism that's here.
But at the same time, I'm in my hometown this weekend, and I specifically asked some of the educators that are at the junior highway I went to about race stuff.
I was like, what is racial stuff like these days?
And they said it's just, it's nothing like it used to be.
You know, and that made me feel pretty good.
And isn't Charlie Stern from South Africa like the most racist place?
That's a good point.
I think we're better than there, to be honest.
Yeah, I definitely think so, too.
I think it's more, I think, if she didn't watch the news as much, she would probably, you know, think it was a blast or think it wasn't as bad as she thought it could be.
What else we got, Nick?
This came in from Layla.
Hi, Theo.
My name is Layla.
Hi, Layla.
Thank you for calling.
Thank you for calling.
Onward.
Discovered you through Cyberx, and then just, it was love at first sight.
Anyways, I am currently married, and I've been married for about three years, really three years in September.
And my husband is a recovering addict, and he relapsed this evening.
So I'm home alone, and he hasn't come home, and I'm worried about him.
And he's a really good man.
You know, he's trying.
He just started his own business.
He just took over a business.
And apparently the guy that he took over the business from, he does a little bit of the cocaine.
And I guess he's been a bad influence on my husband.
And anyways, if anybody could just offer some encouraging words of wisdom, my husband is really a good man.
I just don't know really where to go from here.
Okay.
Well, I appreciate you calling, young lady.
Yeah, I can imagine that that's got to be really tough for you, you know, if you're dealing with that sort of thing.
I know that there is Al-Anon meetings where you can go, you know, if you have a family member or a spouse or whatever that, you know, struggles with addiction, you can go and learn how to deal with them.
And I'm sure you know those things.
I'm not trying to preach at you.
Just trying to share in case there's people out there that don't know that if they are, you know, if they live in a home where there's a, you know, somebody who's an alcoholic or they think they may be, that there's help out there for you.
Not the alcoholic.
There's help out there for you by going to Al-Anon meetings.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry your husband's dealing with that.
I mean, you know what's funny?
As you're talking, as you're telling me that he relapsed, my first thought was the first thought that bubbled into me, the first, it was jealousy.
I was like, fuck, man.
I want to be out there.
You know, a little bit of just a little bit of jealousy.
Like, damn, lucky guy.
And that's the thing in you that makes you want to just go party and do stuff.
You know, that's that dark art that's living inside you, man.
That's that fucking, you know, that's that, that's that medieval Picasso that's inside me.
Just putting paint on everything.
You know, just putting dark paint on my insides.
Because he wants me to be dark and he wants me to behave that way.
And, you know, I'm sure sitting at home waiting for him is tough.
I mean, if you said he has that influence, that's hard.
I mean, that's hard.
I mean, it's hard to be in a, I don't think I could go into business with somebody who was doing cocaine.
I couldn't do it.
I'm not preaching at your husband.
I couldn't do it.
Dude, look, my biggest fear is some fine chick showing up with an eight ball and a, you know, nice looking butthole, and that's it.
You know, and that's just next thing you know, I'm in outer space, son.
You know, I'm up there Buzz Aldrin and around somebody's ass.
So that's one of my biggest fears.
So, and it's plus the stresses of the new business, this and that, I can imagine there's a lot of pressure, but I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.
You know, I'm sure that it's probably tough, and, you know, and I'm sure, you know, you just have to be supportive and you don't want to reprimand.
You don't want to probably say too much because you know he already has enough on his plate.
But I'll say this.
One amazing thing about that program, the AA program and sobriety is he can always come back.
You know, those people, they don't judge you when you walk back into the room.
Most people don't know.
They don't remember.
You know, it's your journey.
It's his journey.
And he can always go back.
You know, imagine having a place you can always go to, no matter what.
I mean, I don't know if I ever felt like sometimes in my life that I had that.
And that's one thing that those rooms of sobriety offer for people.
But I appreciate you calling and sharing that with us.
And I hope that he made it home, that things are looking in a different direction now.
You know, and maybe next time, maybe we just recommend that he speak with his sponsor if he's going, you know, into business or what's going on in business circles.
Because, yeah, I am so grateful that nobody I know, you know, I see some people sometimes that are running around with it.
You can hear it in their pocket.
Dude, I could hear a little bag of cocaine from about 80 feet away, son.
Damn.
Where you at, boy?
I can hear that shit.
But thank you for calling, sweetheart.
I hope it gets better.
I'll be thinking of you.
Let's hear more, Nick.
What else we got?
All right, here we go.
Hey, Theo, man, this is Dylan from Texas.
All right.
Thank you for calling, Dylan.
But I had a question for you about alcoholism.
I'm 25. I got a college degree.
I got a degree in welding.
I weld pipe.
Oh, damn, boy.
You that fitter, huh?
Get that fitter.
You that pipe fitter, dude.
I used to know a dude.
He used to go welding underwater.
That was his thing.
He worked for like the oil rig, and he'd be out there fucking just welding all kinds of shit underwater.
I'm like, dude, are you sure that you have a real job?
Because that sounds fictional, man.
I don't even know how that would work.
Let's hear more.
Company, and I take care of my girl and our four-year-old son.
And we got a house and all that, but it's real stressful, man.
So what I've been doing is go get a six-pack and two little airplane bottles of whiskey every day.
And right now I'm sitting in my garage and drinking beer.
And I used to do drugs and all that, and I used to do other stuff.
But I just wonder, man, do you think that that's alcoholism?
Because I drink every day.
I limited myself to a six-pack and two shots.
But I just wonder if that's going to be something more.
Well, look, man, you used to do drugs, you said, and other things.
I don't even know what that is.
You know, fucking juggling, throwing knives at your neighbors.
I mean, anything could, that could be anything.
You know, burying people you just met.
I don't fucking know.
But only you know that answer.
I can't tell you if you're an alcoholic.
You could drink a pint of gin a day.
I don't even know how much a pint is, or six pints.
And you might be, you might not.
You know, there's functioning alcoholism.
The thing that I noticed for me is that I use it as an escape.
The biggest thing that I recognize in hindsight of having and having taken a respite from drinking, coming up on two years here of drinking, no drinking or drugs, is that I used alcohol as an escape, you know, or I use cocaine as an escape.
That's the thing.
Something I've learned is that now I'm facing more things and I've learned that my life is therefore advancing more.
Because for me, I wasn't really addicted to a drug or an alcohol.
I was addicted to not wanting to see myself.
I was addicted to not wanting to feel my feelings.
And so when it came moments where I felt like I needed to or I was about to, then I would resort to doing a drug.
And so that's what it did for me.
And so I find now that I don't do that, that I don't have that escape, that I battle more.
Like when things come up, instead of being like, oh, fuck, I'll just have a B, you know, then I find that, oh, now when things come up, I battle that thing and I learn to figure the thing out.
And if I can't figure it out, then now I have people that I can call, that I can say, hey, I have this issue.
What would you do?
And they've been in the program for 10 years or 20 years.
And they'll say, oh, this is what I learned to do.
And then I do what they learn sometimes.
And then that's how my life gets better because I'm not thinking for myself and I'm not escaping my issues.
Now, I'm not saying you have issues.
You may not.
You may not.
But if you find that you're escaping things and that's why you drank them, then you may.
Only you know.
I can't tell you if you're an alcoholic.
Only you know.
And I'm not going to accuse you of being one.
You might be that dude.
Who's the guy on Nick on that cartoon where they all drank outside of the house?
King of the Hill.
Yeah.
Hank Hill.
Yeah, Hank Hill.
You might be the main star, dude.
I don't know his name.
Who's in Broombauer?
What's that guy's name?
Boomauer, yeah.
Boomauer.
Okay.
I can't do any of it.
Okay, Hank.
Dude, I was trying to work on Jaymoore did Norm McDonald.
I was trying to work on that.
Well, the thing about funerals coming along a little.
Yeah, you're getting much better than your first attempt on the Jaymoore episode.
Yeah, that's true.
The thing about funerals, somebody's dead.
I got to work on it.
What else we got?
On April 12th, state lawmakers of Louisiana passed a bill making it illegal for a human to have sex with an animal.
There you go.
Lawmakers passed the vote 122 to 6. Okay, there you go.
So six people voted no on that.
Which seems bizarre, but I'm going to tell you why six people would vote no.
Yes, if you are doing sexual actions with an animal that is a small animal, you know, or an animal that isn't fast, then yeah, you should go to jail.
Okay, this stuff with Bichons and, you know, river rats or whatever, all that stops now.
But if you are fucking a cheetah in the wild or a lynx or a mountain cat, you are never buying a beer again, as far as I'm concerned.
You're a hero.
That's not bestiality.
Some dude is dating a fucking white wolf.
That's not bestiality guy.
Okay, lawmakers.
That guy is a damn American icon.
That guy, you put that on YouTube?
Game over.
Okay?
Views central.
I'm telling you this, if I meet a man who's been making love to a wolf in the wild, that man eats for free by my house.
Just last Friday, I had OD'd on fentanyl and heroin.
And I am now going to be being shipped off to Jacksonville, Florida, Duval County this Saturday to be in an inpatient rehab center for the following three months.
I've been a big follower this past weekend for about a year now.
I made a tier shootout in Cast in last August and got myself a journal and am really anxious regarding these next three months and just how to fill the time in my day at this fucking rehab center.
You know, I really don't want to be stuck with a roommate who talks to the wall all night and cheeks his meds and shit like that.
Shit can be weird, but I guess I was just hoping to get some advice on what to do.
You know, I'm going to be disconnected from technology.
Good, man.
Well, I think you got to be.
You know, I think honestly, one thing that struggles that help that's not good for me right now is sometimes there's too much technology for me to even get through some of my own program.
You know, I have to start making more room for my life in my life for my program, my 12 steps and my sobriety, that sort of thing.
But dude, if you're going into treatment, I promise you they will surround you with things to do.
You know, just listen for the similarities, not the differences.
That's what I hear.
And just get, you know, just, I don't know.
I can't tell you what anything to do because I don't really know.
You know, I just know that at the core of me and at the core of everyone, I bet there's something that they want you to feel better.
So, and you want to be well.
Somewhere inside of you, there's a part of you that really, really wants to be well so that it can do well.
You know, that for me is the worst part sometimes is, you know, is knowing that when I don't treat myself good, that myself isn't able to do its best work.
You know, that's the toughest thing for me sometimes.
But you'll be busy.
You'll meet a lot of friends.
Look, if you're willing to call in here, I bet you'll be willing to speak to others and see what's going on.
And I'm glad you made it back out in Addison.
And I wish you well in the three months.
And hit me up when you get out.
When I come to Addison again, I'm going to try to schedule some dates.
I'll get you some tickets, man.
Be my guest.
We'll hit an AA meeting down there together, dude.
That'll be dope.
I went to one not far from the club last time I was there.
So we'll hit a room, man.
You stay in those three months, man.
We'll hit a meeting when you get out.
So I'll put that on the table for you.
What else we got, Nick?
Anything else?
Yes, one more call.
All right.
Sorry, I'm just brushing through these tonight, guys.
I'm just, oh, man, I'm just feeling tired.
All right, let's take another call.
Hey, man, I'm calling to talk about an issue we got going on down here in Houston, motherfucking Texas.
Okay.
Yeah, I mean, they should call it that, dude.
Houston is quite a place.
Let's hear more.
Right.
We got a thing down here called the sissy shoulder syndrome.
Right?
Okay, the sissy, what did he say?
Yeah, sissy's shoulder syndrome.
Sissy's shoulder syndrome.
Okay, let's hear about it.
Triple S. What's going on down here?
Dudes stop.
They don't exercise.
And the reason is because fucking internet dating, man.
Because dudes don't have to go out and attract women in the field.
They get to put on a pretty ass, like a pretty ass shirt and a nice little flat jacket like they're in the fucking army and take some pictures and put a filter and throw that shit up on the internet.
And then they get to sit there, sort through all the women.
And then when they actually do go out in public, they got a chip on their shoulder against women.
And that leaves them depressed.
And then they for sure ain't going to try to do a fucking push-up.
And this all culminates into the sissy shoulder syndrome.
What is he saying?
He's saying that men, they don't do any push-ups or workout because they don't have to, because they don't have to approach in the wild anymore like they used to and look like, you know, try to look their best, you know.
So instead, they can date online and they can, you know, just put the make themselves look as good as they want, certain angles and stuff.
Either sex can.
And then that way, whenever they do meet them in the women in person, then what was he saying?
I guess they eventually get rejected, which sends them into a spiral.
Okay.
So they get rejected because they're not in shape.
Yeah.
And then it's just a self-fulfilling prophecy.
They're depressed, so they don't work out.
And they're depressed, they don't work out.
So this dude might be a gym teacher.
This guy might be selling gym memberships.
Do I think that, I mean, I was with him for half of it.
You know, that man that, yeah, it's like it is different.
I mean, times are different.
It's like you don't have to, we don't have to, everything is, it's so electronic now and so fast that it's baffling.
Like you don't, it's, you don't have to do those things now to attract the opposite sex as much.
But you, you still have to show up in person at some point.
In most places anyway.
In LA, I don't even know if it matters.
I mean, two people could probably get, well, I'm sure there are a couple people out there that are married right now that have never even met.
But in the rest of America, like that stuff's not flying.
Like I know, you know, some of the places I was in this past weekend in Louisiana, you talk about, you know, some, you know, some people, some people don't even have Netflix.
A lot of people still just use cable to watch television.
It's just what they did growing up.
It's what they know.
You know, some of those people like a big star that were, say, like a comedian, say, like John Mulaney, who's a popular comedian, he might sell 30 tickets, but you send Dave Coulier there from Full House and he'll sell it out.
It's just, you know, some places it's just, they kind of stick to what they know.
So some places it's not that internet dating thing.
And there isn't a sissy shoulder syndrome.
It's you still got to, you know, you still got to puff up and do those old puffer fish antics and get out there and meet a lady.
And, you know, some of that's more traditional.
It's what we used to do in America and what we still do in some places.
But it is evolving.
You know, you get into some of these other places and yeah, like who you are is becoming more electronic.
Is it good?
I don't know.
I don't think it is.
It's not good for humans.
I mean, I think that that's some of the stuff you see with Trump.
He has like this old mindset, you know, in a little bit of a way.
And in some ways, I like some of it because it's just, it seems like there's some humanity to it.
Whereas sometimes it's like if, I don't know, maybe Trump doesn't have anything to do with it, but it's like we just, sometimes I want us to shut down some of this electronic shit.
And it'd be nice to just be humans again.
I mean, I feel like we're quickly not becoming humans.
Do you feel like that, Nick?
Or, I mean, you think I'm crazy?
And that's fine if you do.
No, seriously.
I think WALL-E, the movie, is like a perfect representation of where we're headed.
We're all just sitting on these carts that move us.
We get fed just from our pods, everything.
We don't have to leave our house.
I left my cord, computer cord for my laptop in Santa Monica, and I just had an Uber driver pick it up, and he sent it to me.
It's like, you don't have to leave your house for anything.
Yeah, it's wild.
I mean, I was looking at the airport the other day.
Everybody's just on their phone.
They're moving forward on an escalator.
And it's just like, wow, we're almost just being carried around by these machines and dropped off.
At a certain point, I wonder, will we become a burden to the machines?
Sometimes I kind of think it's not as bad either because I've seen this picture that went viral a few times and it's people on a bus now, everybody staring at their phones, but then side by side with people on the bus in like the 1950s, and every single person has their nose buried in a newspaper.
So it's not like it's just a different medium to avoid human interaction.
It's just much, much easier now.
And Do you think human interactions is it becoming less of a necessity?
That's what I wonder.
I think you always need human companionship, touch, actually talking to someone face to face.
I think that's a human necessity always.
Yeah, I find what, yeah, I agree.
I find what I get from human necessity, from human interaction, and I didn't get for a while because I spent a lot of time just in bed, about a decade, really, a lot of my time just in bed, not meeting other people or interacting.
I don't get a reflection of who I am.
And, you know, when I'm out and about and I say hey to somebody and they say hey, and I smile at them or something, and they say hey back to me, and I know that, oh, I can tell they, okay, they, you know, I'm not a bad person.
You know, I'm, you know, maybe I hold the door for someone or I just, you know, be kind to the nurse at the doctor's office or, you know, just something where I interact with other people.
I get a vibe for who I am.
I get a reflection from them, off of them of who I am.
And usually it's an okay one.
Usually it's like, oh, okay, I'm not a bad person.
You know, I just talked to somebody.
Nobody fought.
It was, everything was comfortable.
It was cool.
You know, I just walked into the building.
That girl smiled at me or that man smiled and I smiled back and everything seems pretty cool.
I'm okay.
I'm going through the day all right.
But when you don't do that or when I didn't do that, I wouldn't get a reflection of myself.
You get stuck inside and then you're not getting that feedback from people that lets you know that you are doing okay.
You're okay.
And so then my brain would start to be like, oh, you're fucking up.
You're not a good person.
Because that's that little part of me, the same part of me where my alcoholism lives that wants to tell me something bad or wants to do something bad.
And that part grows.
The more you're inside, it grows.
It's like a moss.
The more you don't take care of yourself, the more you don't get outside, the more you don't interact with others, that shit grows.
It's like a damn algae.
And it gets thick, and then it's above you.
It's like on the water, like a layer, like you're like a swamp.
And whoever you are, the good things, the good reflections you used to see yourself, it's down under that murk.
And you can't access them as much anymore.
And that's why you got to interact with other people.
Because you'll see in their eyes, you'll see them looking back at you.
And that look is that you're a decent person.
And you feel that.
And that lives inside of you.
And we need that.
And that's why we need that interaction.
And that's one thing that is scary.
You know, I wish, you know, sometimes I wish we would shut things down.
But, you know, at what point does technology become dangerous to us where it's not safe anymore?
You know, just because we can keep advancing, do we?
Because how does it end?
Dude, the other day, look, I try to turn off my phone.
Siri, please turn off my phone.
To power off your iPhone, first press and hold both the side button and either volume button for three seconds.
Then move the slider that appears on the screen.
Right.
So what she's saying is, if I tell her to turn off, she won't do it.
She's saying you do it.
I mean, it's silly and it's silly, but it's crazy.
Please turn yourself off.
I can't imagine why you'd want to, but you can turn me off in settings.
Now she's even trying to convince you not to.
Yeah.
It's crazy, man.
That's the dark arts.
All right, we're going to do that Greyhound breakdown episode this week.
We're supposed to have a Greyhound driver coming in.
You know, I'm trying to get, they just shut down Backpage for escorts, and I want to find out how some of these ladies feel about it.
I'm hoping to get one of them in.
If you know an escort that works in the Los Angeles area, nobody's trying to fuck or anything like that, dude.
I mean, I probably jerk off at the house before, but that's me, and that's how I operate, and that's really unfortunate.
But if you know one and they want to make some money, we'll pay them just to come in.
We can do audio-only interview if they want to hide their face or something like that or hide their, you know, who they are.
But I just want to talk about that and hear what that's like and how that affects their industry.
So if you know one, tell them to hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
And that's a Los Angeles area only.
What else do we have, Nick?
What's going on?
Not much.
Just got some final thoughts.
I liked your thought.
Oh, you got some gifts from some listeners, didn't you?
Yeah, I got a gift.
This came in, and I know there's a couple gifts that have come in, some clothing and stuff like that.
This came in right here, and this say original condition, originalfactory scent.com.
I don't know these people, but this man sent a note with it.
I'll read it.
Hey, Theo, my name is Joe, and I'm from Amarillo, Texas.
My dad and I run a small business selling new car smell.
If you want that scent, when you get in that car, you get that NCS, maybe that new car smell.
I've included some of them in this package, and they got this damn ice cold.
This shit looks like about a couple kilos of new car smell, boy.
They broke us off.
Your podcast is very inspirational to me over the past year.
I've listened to it since day one.
I'm 25 years old and working towards the goal of being able to support my family with this business one day.
It is very difficult not to get discouraged or feel like a loser sometimes when everyone I know chose the safe route of going to college and working a desk job.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that.
It just wasn't for me.
Listening to you and hearing you discuss your own trials and tribulations in a different industry has given me the strength to keep going on the hardest of days.
I know I'm not the only person that appreciates what you're doing.
Thanks, brother.
God bless.
Oh, man, that's nice of you, dude.
You know, and this boy Paul Morrow is his name, I believe.
And he sent me a couple of these hitters, man.
And this is that originalfactorycent.com.
He's not paying me to advertise, but I thought that was sweet of you.
Thank you very much.
You and your father running that small business, dude.
That's beautiful.
And you know what?
I'm going to go on your website.
I'm going to buy a few.
And we'll include them in with the this past weekend shirts that go out for people that hit the hotline with how their weekend was.
We're going to drop those hitters in there, them original condition, them new car scents, bro.
Damn.
I mean, this shit feel like about 60 grams of straight up new car magic, dude.
You know, you might be able to meet somebody And fuck, or even just jerk off yourself and feel like you're in a new environment.
Definitely.
Yeah, which can be nice, dude.
We used to warm our hands up in a pot of water and jerk off like that.
You know, it's like taking a trip to the Caribbean, man.
I'm going to have to try that before the escort comes in.
There you go.
Oh, yeah, we'll make everybody in the room, you know, spell themselves before the escort comes in.
As always, I want to thank the Gunt Squad.
I want to thank Gray Block Pizza.
And who else?
Gray Block Pizza, man.
If you want pizza and you don't have anything in your mouth, go get it.
They got pizza.
They got what you need.
They got all kind of the Bella Goat.
Let me read a couple of, the Frenchie.
Take that Frenchie.
They got the Hunter, bro.
What's that in the distance?
Animal?
The fucking hunter, dude.
Feel your face.
The caps.
The Zingato.
And that's Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard.
Thank you guys.
We got some guests coming in.
I love you.
Take me out with some music here, Nick.
Thank you, Nick.
That's nice.
And this is a Spencer Jacob Growl with Celebrate.
And you can find the link to that in the episode.
Thank you, Gunt Squad, for your support.
I hope you caught that Thursday episode on Patreon.
Patreon.
As always, brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Gray Block Pizza for that pizza that you need.
Celebrate Dark Day.
That's 1811 Pico Boulevard.
All of your demons exercise.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
*music*
Alright guys, see y'all soon.
Okay.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
