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March 6, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
54:46
3-06-17 | This Past Weekend #12

Theo talks relationships, more about his father, his childhood friend named Thundercat (possible RIP), masturbation, sex with a Caribou, and takes calls from listeners.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
What's up?
What's up you little Guatemalans?
Huh?
You little crispy Yamaguchis?
How you feeling, huh?
Huh?
You ever done an eight ball at a Bass Pro shop and played a Dele's Hello on a duck call?
You ever done that?
You ever emptied a bunch of ice trays on the kitchen floor and made snow angels at the house?
You ever done that?
Get all wet, get your back wet?
Well, dry off, bruh.
Dry off.
Cause this is this past weekend.
This past weekend.
Who wants a drink from Daddy?
30 pounds of hamster bones.
Houston.
Houston, hamster.
Houston, ounst, hamster, hamster.
I got a hamster to the woman.
I got a truck like I'm Santa.
30 pounds is a stand.
Give him a name that is Ryan.
Judas Fox.
Hounseless.
Ecstasy.
I'm going to get these mountains.
Tapping them up like I'm bad.
Ezekiel, bliss in the sound.
Green day.
Run.
Cheryl's name.
Random.
Tiny bones.
Hand them.
They eat.
Hand them.
Who wants a drink from your daddy?
Turpin off drinks me in transit.
Put the clock shoulders in hand.
Shawshank and allocate hands.
This next guy comes to stay.
I love him.
He has a problem now.
I All right, welcome, welcome, welcome to this past weekend.
It is Monday, March 6th.
I want to thank everybody who purchased the new album, 30 Pounds of Hamster Bones, got us to number two on the iTunes Comedy Charts.
Really exciting.
It's about 2 a.m.
It's Monday morning.
Monday, March 6th, 19, 2017.
You know, I'm always about a century behind.
Just got back from Bremerton.
Bremerton, Washington.
So anybody who came out to the show last night, I appreciate it.
I had a nice time.
Kind of a naval town.
Not the body part, just the service.
So a lot of people there in the service, I understand.
We had a good crowd.
There were about 500 there at the theater.
And all ages, all ages, man.
They had some children in there.
And I feel like we really made the most of it.
So I want to thank everybody that came out.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
If you haven't got the album, that's what I was playing right there.
It's a new video.
You can check it out on the YouTube as well.
I made it with Simon Rex, guest stars in it.
Your boy Dirt Nasty.
And it's just fun.
It's like a play on Designer's Panda.
And it's Hamsta.
Hamster.
So check out the album.
Check out that video.
And good to be here.
Let me touch base with what's been going on, man.
We did the JRE podcast, Joe Rogan experience, if you didn't check it out.
I was excited, man.
I was excited to get to do it.
Joe and I don't know each other very well.
I don't know him very well.
So I was a little nervous, but we had a nice time.
And I felt like I got to know him a little bit better.
Really smart guy.
He knows so much.
And it was inspiring, man.
It was inspiring just to be able to have a conversation with somebody.
I mean, LA to me is the loneliest place.
You in your car a lot.
Your best friend is a coffee.
You know, a lot of people don't date because it's not geographically desirable.
You know, I mean, whenever you meet a girl or a guy, you ask them where they live.
And if it's not in a convenient area, then the love ends right there.
The love stops at the gas money, really, you know?
And it reminds, makes me think about incest.
Like back in the day, you know, some places incest is more popular.
But I think like if you lived in a rural area, in about, if you walked even, you know, eight miles, you might only come across family, you know, back in the day.
So I think in some rural areas, you're more likely to have incest because, hell, you go for a jog, even a long run looking for love.
The best you might find is a cousin in the distance, you know, maybe a distant cousin.
Maybe that's where the term came from.
And that's how I think a lot of incest really probably popped off back in the day.
You might only meet people at family reunions or at funerals.
So I think it was a little more popular.
It was a proximity thing.
Whereas in a city, you're usually more likely to bump into people that aren't of the same bloodline.
So I think in a city, you're less likely to have incest.
But definitely it should be, I don't know if it should be a crime.
It should be frowned upon.
I think these days there's no excuse for not getting outside of your comfort zone.
Even if, you know, and that's way too comfortable.
You know, if you're winking at somebody across the room at a family get-together, that's just because you don't know them doesn't make it, you know, Christian or right.
You know, so yeah, so I've always had that thought.
Bestiality, that's another crazy thing.
I'm thinking about, you know, sexuality right now, I guess.
And I've always thought that, yeah, bestiality with small animals, taboo.
But you get out there and you fuck a leopard?
Is that bestiality or is that pretty much the dopest shit you could do?
You know, like you catch a hyena or a lynx.
Dude, you fuck a lynx and put that on YouTube.
You'll never buy a drink again at a bar.
That's for damn sure, dude.
So I think incest laws keep them in place, but some of these bestiality things, they should fine-tune a little bit of it.
You know, I catch some dude snuggling Up with a lab, you know, or even a black lab, or, you know, even a sheep or a livestock animal.
That's fucking cheap.
You know, that's dirty.
But I catch somebody, you know, dropping a YouTube video of them, you know, making love to a, you know, a caribou.
That's a hero.
That dude's a hero in my book.
Yeah, I want to thank everybody for supporting the album, man.
It's really great.
The past week, for me, this past last week wasn't good, man.
I got down in the dumps, dude.
I just, I don't know what was going on.
I was just hating myself.
I got down in the dumps, and I know that's kind of a recurring theme, I guess, with me.
But I got down in the dumps.
I just, I was judging myself a lot.
I was stuck in my head with my thoughts.
And I think part of that comes from just being here in L.A. You spend a lot of time by yourself.
You know, like people think that comedians, that it's this glorious life where you're around a million people.
But during the day, I'm taking care of my life and my business.
And in the evening, I'm on stage, but a lot of people that are at the shows are on dates.
You know, a comedy club is like a date event.
So a lot of people there is on dates.
And you don't, you're not, you know, I'm not the kind of guy that can really bust into a date and change the game, you know, and peel a date off, peel a woman off of their man if they're out with a man.
So I'm more of a casual guy.
I got to meet somebody.
And I did meet this girl also who's Nicaraguan a while back, and we swapped numbers, but she lives in another state, and we don't really keep in touch.
So, yeah, so it's tough, man.
It's a tough city, Los Angeles, if you really want to find some love.
But yeah, that's how I felt, man.
I just started feeling down on myself.
And I know that I got to get some of these things fixed inside of me.
These things that make me feel less than when I am by myself.
Because if I'm not feeling good, I can't, you know, I've touched on this the past few weeks.
I can't expect somebody else to feel that for me.
You know, I can't think, oh, well, when I meet, you know, Marguerite or when I meet Cheryl, that I'm going to be, that's when I'll be the happiest.
I got to find a way to be the happiest now and be the most comfortable with myself now.
If you got a chance to check out the Joe Rogan experience that I was on, I was definitely excited.
I mean, these days, it's a neat thing to be a part of because he has so many fans and he has just such a breadth of knowledge of different stuff.
And he's a big guy, so there's intimidation there in that sense.
But I was excited, man.
Him and Jamie that produces over there.
It was just neat.
It was nice to just spend some time with another man just chatting about stuff.
And we talked a little bit about my father.
I talk about that a lot on here.
I never really had a lot of that man leadership in my life.
I never really had much of a mentor.
I mean, my father, you know, because of his age, he, I mean, I remember my father would borrow money from me, you know, and I was making allowance money.
You know, I was making, maybe if I was lucky, maybe $4 or $5 a week.
And I was a saver.
I would save my money and I collected small items that I would find.
I was really a little bit of a hoarder.
And I used to buy little pieces of quartz and stuff.
They had a lady down the street that sold, you know, quartz and magical rocks.
And I would get involved and really, I think I kept her in business for about a year and a half, you know, and buying just different stalagtite and all kinds of just shit she had.
Because a lot of the rocks, she said, were magical and would make our lives better.
So I invested in a lot of that basically just betterment granite for lack of a better term.
But I remember my father when, you know, he wouldn't have gas money, so he would borrow money from me, and it probably made me not really think of him as a mentor.
And he had this way of always asking me if he ever let me down.
Did I ever let you down?
And of course, I'd always say no, you know, because I wanted him to be happy, because I knew he was getting so old that I wanted him not to worry about me.
So that was, you know, I didn't have that mentor.
I didn't have that comfortability around men.
And then my brother left off.
My brother went to live with my grandparents and dealt with some of his own demons.
And so I spent a lot of time by myself in that house, in that apartment with women.
And my neighborhood was dangerous.
So I just didn't develop a lot of relationships with men.
So I think in weird ways, I long for that.
I long for some of that connection, you know, to be able to just spend time with another male that's nonsensual and connect and connect, you know, and just talk and feel like we're just fellas, you know.
And it's a wild time to be a fella, man.
I feel like it's hard to be a man these days.
We don't know what it is anymore.
You know, a lot of our parents now are divorced or on second and third marriages.
And so there's a lot of, you know, it's up in the air as to what it is to be a man.
The old definition of men has been attacked a lot by a lot of feminist regimes and, you know, and attack, I don't want to say not lesbians, but attack lesbians and soft men that don't want to, you know, support or really discuss what it feels like to be a man.
I mean, I feel like these days, if you're to get out into the wild and roar, they'll call the police on you.
You know?
And the cops show up, you're like, What are you doing?
I'm just trying to access my manhood.
You know, I'm trying to fucking turn my insides into a damn fight club.
I'm trying to be whatever it means to be a man.
You know, in adult men, I've talked about this before, but adult men are committing suicide at an all-time high, man.
So, you know, it's a tough time to be a man, but I'm still out here trying.
I think last week I fell off a bit and got a little in the dumps.
But when that happens to me, what I try to do is I try and think about somebody who's less fortunate than me.
I remember when I was young, they had this boy in our neighborhood named Thundercat, TJ.
They call him TJ.
I don't know what the J stood for, but the T stood for Thundercat, and they would call him Thunder.
And he was born with some deficiencies.
He had hair just growing directly out of his face, you know, like one of those, you know, almost just like the dark arts.
It just almost like he was just, one of his parents was fucking carpet.
You know, he just had this kind of wolf boy, sort of wookie kind of thing just growing directly out of his face, his hair.
And that was alarming to people.
And somebody said that he was going to die.
And they somebody said it loud, and I think they said it in church.
And so they convinced enough people in our area that he was going to die.
So he got to quit school.
And his parents bought him a little truck, a little Ford Ranger, and he just drove it in his backyard.
They had a small backyard, but large enough to drive a truck around in.
And I remember waiting at the bus stop near his home.
And he'd just be missing school.
They let him smoke Winston cigarettes.
And he would be back in his yard, Lil Thunder, just driving this truck, you know, as a child, as a, you know, just a real hairy kind of child.
And before that, I remember the girls at school would always brush him and brush his hair.
And they kind of took to him, championed him as like a little bit of an oracle.
You know, and we all did a little bit.
I remember I used to sneak over by the fence because his family had a chain link fence and I would sneak over there and give him sliced peaches, feed him sliced peaches through the fence, you know, keep him hydrated and stuff like that.
And he and he would just smoke cigarettes and listen to Fujis, killing me softly.
He was listening to a lot.
He had a couple of tracks there in the truck.
And I remember Blind Melon.
He listened to some Blind Melon there.
And they thought he was going to die.
And the reason why he got to not even go to school was because so he could die at home.
You know, they wanted him to have some peace.
And he didn't have to, you know, struggle with all his lessons and, you know, spelling and all of that because you're not going to need that if you're dying.
And he never did die.
His mother had varicose veins.
I remember and she died.
And the daddy, this is how they used to make money.
The daddy used to do slip and falls at pizza huts.
And he would sue them and he would get that money and get that check.
And he died.
The father died doing slip and falls.
He was working the circuit one year and I think he was near like Sarasota, Florida, and he died.
He split his head open on a salad bar out there, you know, doing his craft or his work or whatever it was, scamming, you know, scamming.
But I remember a lot of times when I would feel down in the dumps as a child, I would think about him and what his life was going to be like and what his walk through the world was probably like.
Because he kept a good attitude even though he had this affliction and even though he, as far as everybody was concerned, was destined for death, maybe heaven.
Hopefully, a child.
You know, you like to think that most children go to heaven.
But yeah, that was Thunder.
Yeah, last I heard, he was still alive.
So anyhow, when I get down in the dump, sometimes I like to think of somebody that's having a tougher time than I am.
I want to appreciate everybody that called in as well.
We got some good calls, some basic life suggestions, and I want to offer that out to anybody.
If you need somebody, if you need a friend, you need rural or urban advice.
That's what I like to refer to it as, because that's what I feel like I can help with.
You can call in to the number.
It's on my Twitter and it's on my Instagrams.
And it's a 985 number.
It's a voicemail.
You can leave a voicemail and I'll get to that and address any of those issues or any thoughts or questions people have.
And I have some today, actually.
I'm going to get to a few right here.
And if you're on the YouTubes, if you're watching this on the YouTubes, you can see that I got a desk now and a little bit more of an environment here.
And eventually we might get people to call in.
But right now we're just dealing with things as they come.
So I'm trying to keep my spirits up right now.
That's my goal.
And I want to thank everybody that came out in Seattle because that really did.
It made me feel pretty good.
But I'm going to get into some questions here, man.
I'm going to let you know some dates too that I got coming up.
But first, let's crack into some questions here.
See if we can get this.
You guys listen up.
Yo, Theo, what's up?
It's your baby boy, Brian from Auburn, Alabama.
I'm calling you from the deep south.
I wanted to ask you about what the fuck do you do when you're depressed and you don't Know what the fuck is going on with your life?
I'm 23, I'm about to graduate, all these kind of good things are happening around me, but man, I ain't been more depressed in my life.
And I've seen you like on this week, and like this weekend, and all that shit.
And I saw you were going through a hard patch now, and I was going through a hard patch.
I just kind of want to hear, you know, what do you do to kind of see the brightness when you stand in the dark, man?
Be well.
Thanks, Brian.
I appreciate that, man.
It's a good question.
What do you do?
You know, I'm not trying to get all philosophical.
What I do in the past, I didn't do anything, man.
I'll tell you that.
I made some poor choices.
I would lay in my bed.
I would do masturbation.
You know, I would do just masturbation until I didn't even have any feelings.
I would almost just beat my feelings out of my body via masturbation, you know.
And I started masturbation when I was young and it persisted, man.
And that's another thing about, you know, no man ever told me anything about masturbation, man.
You know, I mean, when my father was young, they had, he was probably on horses, and who knows what the fuck they were doing.
You know, I don't even know if masturbation then.
And my brother was gone.
He wasn't there.
So I learned it, you know, by watching some pornography videos.
And some boy beat me up at the library one time and showed me a bunch of pictures of Cooter.
That's what he called it.
And he would, that boy was beating me and making me look at this, look at these pictures of Cooter that he had that were all jacked up and had been, probably just looked like they'd been looked at so many times.
It was nasty.
But what do I do, man?
I try to find some faith these days.
I try to have faith, you know, that things will be okay.
I mean, it's hard to tell a guy.
I mean, you're in college, you're going through those, you know, there's a lot going on in your life, I bet.
It's busy.
You know, your future probably seems immense.
Your possibilities probably seem endless.
But also, it's probably scary if you're graduating, you're getting out of college.
I'll just tell you this, man.
You got time to make some poor choices.
So even if whatever you're choosing doesn't end up being phenomenal, you can fuck up, dude.
You could start a bakery, bruh.
You could start a bake.
You could do French breads and, you know, baguettes and whatever and fuck that whole industry up, dude.
You could burn the bakery down and try to get insurance money, go to jail for that for eight years.
You get out, you're only 31. You could then join the service, get out of that, and you're only 35. And you still can do it, you know, so you have time to kill, man.
So I just wouldn't be so hard on yourself.
I'd take a step back.
And sometimes when you're in your problems, you can't see that the reality of things is that things are okay.
You know, sometimes you're just so caught up like you got to do this and you got to do that.
Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.
And just realize that by not doing anything, you're going to be okay.
You know, take care of whatever your basic needs are and just relax, man.
You know, relax.
Especially if you're in college, man, they got, you know, hot leg running around and you could do, you know, you could experiment and do homosexuality.
You could do whatever you want.
And whatever it is, you'll be able to, you know, get through it or get past it.
Because time will heal everything, man.
I promise you that, dude.
Time will heal everything.
So I'd say look at the reality, bud.
I would say just look at the reality of things.
In the big scheme of things, it's not going to be that overwhelming.
When I think back about college, the only thing I really remember is that I wish I would have had more fun.
That I wish I wouldn't have worried so much about this or that, you know, about the tests and about the, you know, what people thought of me.
And I just wish I'd had a good time.
I wish I had more pictures from college of me having a blast, bro.
That's what I wish.
So if I had any guidance there or thoughts or suggestions, I would say take it easy, take a step back.
If shit feels dark, find a mentor.
Find somebody already graduated and talk to them.
Talk to somebody.
Don't go it alone.
Find you another man and get out there and put your feelings out there.
You can't be afraid to put your feelings out there, dude.
That boy Thunder, his daddy, he used to, when I would miss the school bus, his dad would give me a ride to school.
And he would even help me with my spelling words.
And he used to smoke Marlborough cigarettes and he would blow the cigarette smoke at me while I was trying to recite my spelling.
And it's hard to, spelling's kind of hard enough.
I did well in it, but spelling, when you got smoke coming at you and in your eyes and everything, even harder.
You know, when you're trying to spell just being attacked by secondhand smoke, that's a real, I mean, that's some fucking straight up wiat ERP.
You're the wyatt ERP of consonants and syllables at that point.
So, but I remember that sometimes I would share with him what was going on because even if it was just a few minutes in a car together, that was another man around that I could reach out to for support.
So that's what I would say, man.
Take it easy.
Look at the reality of the situation.
Don't get caught in the minutia that's right in front of you.
Look at the big picture.
Big picture, you're finishing college, man.
That's a huge achievement.
Big picture is you could fuck up.
You could do your bakery and fuck it up and still be fine.
You could do law school, medical.
You got time, bud.
So don't get too overwhelmed.
Take your time.
Take it easy, man.
That's what I would say.
What else, man?
Let's move on.
We'll move on, dude.
We got Joey.
Yo, CEO, how you doing, man?
This is Joey here from churches.
Got a question for you, man.
You said you'd fell back into the dark depths of the web there.
whether it be on your phone or your laptop or what have you.
Quick question for you to want to get out of that world and then fall back into it.
What kind of categories are you clicking on on these websites, sir?
What's your favorite genre, if you will?
Yeah, what's your favorite playlist to ticket yourself to, if you know what I mean?
So just a weird kind of inquiry, I guess.
I'd like to know what my fellow man likes to look at when he's like going to look at those kind of things.
You stay well, man.
It was so fun.
You're the shit, too, man.
My phone's dead, and you took a picture for me.
Thank you so much.
Safe travels, man, and stay well, brother.
Bye-bye.
Nice, man.
Yeah, I believe he came out to the shows in Denver last weekend.
Well, yeah, I mean, I think it's interesting to ask another man what he, you know, what his categories are when it comes to pornography.
He's talking about pornography.
And I'd mentioned that I'd fallen back into the depths of it, and I've been trying to get out of that.
And it's scary, dude.
It's scary if anybody's dealing with that.
When you get into a lot of it's habit, and there's a new book by Malcolm Gladwell, I think is the gentleman's name.
And it talks about habit and about triggers and about how a lot of your life, you get its reactions to things and then falling into habits and what creates those habits and how you have to just adjust a few simple things to create new and better habits.
I'm not sure the name of that book.
I could look it up, but fucking, I'm not gonna right now, dude.
You can look it up.
But yeah, when it comes to pornography, I mean, you know, I was nervous to talk to women when I was young.
I was so nervous.
And I don't know why.
I don't know if it's just because I never learned or nobody ever said, hey, go talk to her.
My brother was nervous around women as well.
And so I think, you know, I didn't have that.
I didn't have him guide me, you know.
So I was so nervous that instead, pornography, you don't have to have any interaction.
You know, you just have to interact really with yourself.
And the woman is there just, you know, digitally or in a picture.
And so you're not really investing anything.
You don't have to put anything on the table.
And that can be addictive.
That can be addictive.
And it gets addictive quick, man.
And, you know, I started off as, you know, the categories of porn, I mean, it's, that stuff can escalate quickly.
You know, I mean, when I was young, it was all on pictures and drawings.
People would be drawing cooters and everything in class.
And, you know, you'd just be thinking your buddy was passing you a note, and it would be a picture of maybe a breast and a cooter.
And a lot of them had hair on them back then, and they would draw the hair on them as well.
And so at least that's a little bit more, you know, classy, I guess.
Whereas now, just the cooters are just open, and it's just, you know, these cooters, some of them just look like they're attacking and they're just angry and or, you know, some of them look happy.
I mean, it's just, but now you're so inundated with all of it.
You see the depths of these, you know, vaginas and these, you know, birth wallets, if you will.
So, but back in the day, you didn't see that.
But yeah, it escalated, man.
I got onto the video pornography.
I remember I used to ride my bike across town before video pornography.
And I knew a man that had some magazines.
And I would go and just use his bathroom.
This man I knew.
He was an adult.
I would just go use his bathroom and do masturbation, man.
I'd bike about seven miles to go do that.
So obviously my addiction to that started pretty early when I think back on it.
And then the internet, man, I would, you know, I would cancel dates because I would just masturbate.
And I wouldn't want to have any interaction.
I'd be afraid.
And a lot of it probably came from fear of interacting with women.
But yeah, it escalated.
And then, you know, you're watching the, you know, 18 and 19 year olds on there, barely legal, and they got the different sights.
And then threesomes.
And then now it's gangbangs where the lady's looking like she's, you know, just playing like a, it's almost like whack-a-mole with all these penises and cocks coming at her.
And, you know, some of it seems, it's just deviant at a certain point.
And then you got the ones where the ladies, they're doing butt sex and butt activities.
And some of them, the ladies' butts are hanging open in the end.
And, you know, you can just seem like cold air is getting in their butt.
And that's always scary.
I'd be worried that these women were getting sick.
I'd picture them, you know, the next day wearing a scarf or something because they got all kinds of, you know, chilly air inside of their buttholes.
So that stuff just escalates, man.
And these days we're desensitized to even just looking through Instagram.
It's like you see a couple of sexy pictures or, you know, I've had to get off of a couple of text chains because I have friends who they just drop out some puss into the text chain or drop out some titties or some Italian titties.
I got a friend who loves, you know, big titty Italian women.
And he's sending those and I had to tell him, dude, I don't want to be surprised.
I just, you got to work hard these days to not be desensitized, man.
And I got desensitized early and I stayed in it and I was doing good.
I had two months of not watching it, of pornography.
And I fell off last week, you know, and I got lonesome.
I was out in Denver and the altitude, you know, I don't know if that affected the way my blood flow might have been better because I was at those altitudes and I was doing, you know, I was pleasuring myself to the greeds of the internet.
And if you're doing that, I don't know if you're asking me if I do it, Joey, or if you do it, but you got to fight it.
I mean, it is a fucking fight.
It's a fight, man.
And I know there's like websites that you can go to that you can download stuff on your computer to stop you from even being able to access porn sites.
You can go to sex addicts meetings, sex and love addiction, and those are everywhere.
And those are like safe meetings where you can go and talk about those things.
You know, and that's a real issue because I think it's killing a lot of relationships and marriages.
Because then you show up with ridiculous expectations.
You know, it's like you, it makes it tough.
It makes it tough to know how to treat a woman.
And it makes it tough to have any feelings sexually when it comes to an actual human being.
So right now I'm just struggling, but I'm focused.
You know, I got a few days under my belt and hopefully I'll be able to keep more.
And maybe even by just talking about it, you know, like this, maybe it opens up the fact that people, you know, that I'm discussing it, so it's putting it on my brain.
So that's that, man.
That's what I got there.
Let me drop a few dates on you guys, man.
April 6th through 9th, I'm going to be at Tampa Side Splitters.
Those dates have changed.
It's April 6th through the 9th.
April 21st through 23rd, I'm at the punchline in Sacramento.
And June 1st through 4th, I'm at the Pittsburgh Improv.
Yeah, I want to apologize.
I know tonight's not super funny, maybe.
You know, we kind of got into it, you know, talking about this stuff, but I guess some of it's, you know, it's real shit, man.
It's real shit.
I mean, if anything, I've, you know, on stage, I love my, you know, I'm, I can be, I can entertain, but when I'm off stage, man, it's, I am battling to be a decent man, you know.
And there's a lot of men out there doing it.
You know, I don't know if it's, if it's just me or if it's an era that we're in where, you know, we just, we're not growing up properly.
But I know that I'm not alone because, I mean, people are calling in and asking.
You know, there's a lot of people called in and left questions and comments, and some of them were too long or didn't make any sense.
But call in again.
Leave another one.
You know, if there's something that's still on your mind.
You know, see what's going on.
Let's keep it moving here.
We got another.
Hey, Theo.
My name's Hayden.
Dude, I got a...
But this girl I was with, we were talking, telling each other some of the things that you only tell people.
You know, I told them more about me than I've told anyone in a real short period of time, which might have been stupid, and we were moving quickly.
But basically, she went on a cruise for 10 days and came back completely changed.
And she told me that a month before that, she had known the same night she told me she loved me for the first time.
She said she knew that same night that she didn't want to be with me as well.
And we are moving too fast, but she never told me that.
And I just want to know, man.
How do people just tell people things without really knowing?
And lead them on like that.
Tell them they need to see him.
And then tell them ten days later that they can't see him that much.
They're tired of seeing him that much.
They don't want to worry about what makes them, you know, me happy.
They only want to worry about what makes them happy.
He's single.
And it's torn me out.
I haven't talked to her since we broke up five, four days ago.
And I just want to know, should I talk to this girl and get try to get more answers out of her?
Or do people mean what they say?
Wow, man.
Sorry, the audio is low on that.
That was where the voice, it was just a low voicemail.
You got a lot going on there, man.
You know, I feel for you, dude.
You know, I feel for you because it seems like you're putting yourself out there.
You know, you let this woman know that you care.
She reciprocated those feelings or she started them and you reciprocated them.
I'll say this, you know, you mentioned that you were on the cruise.
Cruise is dangerous, bro.
A lot of swingers go on there.
A lot of men go there to get rid of their wives.
You know, there's past few years, it's been a popular spot to just ditch your spouse, throw them over, or get them drunk and just push them off during a storm, hide them.
I think they found some woman who'd been in a ship for like six years or something.
She was up in the, you know, in a smokestack or something, some smoked woman, I guess.
Now smoked.
Yeah, it's, what do you do, Dude, you know, you put yourself out there.
She told you she loved you, dude.
Honestly, man, maybe she told you she loved you for her.
You know, sometimes, and I'll be honest, man, I was in a relationship with a girl for a while and I told her I loved her, but I knew that I didn't.
I knew that I just was like fucking millibobbing around in my brain and scared of not having somebody.
And so I told her that, you know, and maybe some of it was I didn't know what love, you know, how to figure out love or how to think about it or how to digest it.
I just knew that I was afraid to not have somebody think that I love them.
So some of that could be that.
Maybe she doesn't know.
And, you know, sometimes when we love somebody, we just are doing it for ourselves because we want to see how somebody feels or how somebody behaves when they believe that we love them.
You know, I think I don't know if I'd suggest discussing it with her anymore.
It seems like a step back is usually the best move.
You know, she went away and came back.
I mean, who knows?
She could have fallen, you know, she could have met a man who fucking killed his wife on a cruise.
She could have met, you know, she could have fallen in love with a staff member.
I remember when I was on this cruise one time, they had a girl who broke her teeth out in Shanghai and got impregnated by a mariachi player, a Chinese mariachi player.
So you don't know what the fuck is going on in these cruises.
I mean, it's basically just people floating around and drinking.
And anything can be possible really when people are drinking.
But it's scary when you put your feelings out there and they don't get reciprocated, dude.
But I commend you, bruh, for putting your feelings out there.
Nobody wants to do that anymore.
Most people don't even have feelings.
I worry that younger people don't even have any fucking feelings.
I think our feelings are going to be in a museum in a few years.
You're going to walk in and be like, oh, look, that's adorement.
You know, or that's, that's not a word I don't think, adore, but like, oh, that's happiness.
Look over there.
They've got a whole wall of sheer joy.
So I think it's commendable you're expressing your feelings.
You know, the specifics of it, I wouldn't get down into it.
You know, it just seems like maybe she doesn't care right now.
And maybe she never could care.
You know, maybe she's not in the same place as you when it comes to affections.
And maybe you got to be okay with that.
You know, if that's the reality of the situation, then you need to find a way to fix your pain and deal with your pain.
And, you know, whether that's finding somebody new, taking time for yourself, you know, talking to somebody else who's been in love or who's maybe in a marriage now.
I mean, excuse me.
It's hard to see that she's obviously not the girl for you at this moment.
She ain't the girl for you at this moment, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
She's out time catting on these cruises, bruh.
They drinking Mai Ties.
You know, people being nasty, people being naughty.
Who knows?
You know, if, so she's just not the one for you.
So you're going to have to just hold on to your feelings, keep your cards to yourself.
You know, if you got to smoke some menthol cigarettes or you got to, you know, go to a water park or do something to get your mind off of her.
And, you know, maybe help somebody else.
Find, you know, talk to somebody else.
When I get, I know the best thing I can do for myself these days when I'm feeling bad is quit feeling for me and start feeling for somebody else.
Find somebody else that's having a tough time.
Like, you know, find your Thundercat, dude.
Get you a little Thundercat out there, you know, and fucking slipping them sliced peaches.
You know, find somebody who needs, who needs, who's having a tougher time than you.
You know, because you're brokenhearted, but maybe there's some dude out there who's never even been on a date.
I remember one time I worked on a show out here in Los Angeles, and it was a reality kind of unscripted show.
And it was after that movie had come out, old school.
Remember old school?
Yeah, it was right after old school had come out.
They put out this, they made a pilot, which was like a one episode of a reality show about three comedians that go back to college and start a fraternity.
And it was me, Burt Kreischer, and this guy, Brett Ernst.
And so we got to get these dudes who were like in their 30s and some in their 40s even.
And we started a fraternity for them.
And we took them on like this crazy outing.
We stole this goat and we went ice skating and we had to do like all this rush week kind of stuff.
And one of the guys on there, he was an operator of a ride at Universal Studios.
He'd never kissed a woman.
This man was 40, 40 years old and he looked like a little, he looked like a lamb sort of that it was nearsighted, like a nearsighted lamb.
And he had never kissed a woman.
And so at the party, we had a big frat party.
And we got him a woman and had him slow dancing.
And I remember his glasses even fogged up, dude, like they do in the movies.
And during that moment, seeing him kiss a woman, fuck, I don't remember what was going on with me because I knew that there was somebody else who'd been through quite a different and more tough journey.
Because I'd kissed some girls, even though I felt rejected by a lot of them and, you know, probably felt and thought that a lot of them hated me.
You know, I'd certainly done some lip work with some of these Gals, but this man had never, and so this for him was a big moment.
And watching him do that made me feel some joy, dude.
So, yeah, that's what I would say, man.
You know, you don't know if she told you she loved you for her.
You don't know if she told you she loved you.
You just don't know.
You know, and words are one thing, man, but actions are another.
So, follow the actions, you know, and take your own actions right now to show yourself you give a fuck about you, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
Get your back waxed.
I got my back waxed the other day.
Shit feels beautiful.
A couple of Viettes back there just shining up your skin.
You know, put some softener on your skin, dude.
Sometimes at night, if I'm not feeling good, I put a little bit of softener on my skin before I go to bed.
You know, it's not like having somebody in bed with me, but it's like, make me feel pretty good.
Makes me feel pretty good, man.
Let's get to one more.
We're getting long here.
Got a little ex-girlfriend problem.
Broke up.
Me and her broke up about three years ago.
I've been dating for four years.
And she came back into my life.
Kind of about trying to rekindle shit.
You know what I mean?
I kind of miss it.
I kind of like the way we had things, you know, but...
I don't know if it's a good idea not to go back to something that was broken up.
You know what I mean?
Let me know what your thoughts are, bruh.
Thanks a lot.
Fight the power.
Oh, fight the power.
That's an old rap reference.
There was a song, late 80s, Fight the Power.
Public Enemy did that song.
You can go look that up.
Yeah, bruh.
Look, I appreciate you calling and asking.
You know, I spoke to an ex-girlfriend of mine.
I mentioned her a little bit ago recently.
And I called her on the phone actually to apologize for what a shitty boyfriend I'd been.
And it got pretty emotional.
And part of me, I think somewhere inside of me, wanted us to be able to give it another chance.
I don't know if that was because I'd been lonesome.
I don't know if that was because, you know, I thought there were enough qualities there and enough chemistry there where there could be an opportunity.
And she's moved on now.
She's, you know, got her a husband or engagement, and that's that.
That's her future.
And that's all I can do at that point is be happy for her.
But one thing I do know is that it just, it needed time.
You know, I couldn't have called her a few years ago and done that because I was still holding grudges.
I was still angry.
So if you're going to get back together with somebody, you got to make sure that whatever broke y'all up before, whatever issues there were, that that shit is gone.
And you need to make sure it's gone on your side.
Like you need to figure out what inside of you, even if she did something wrong, why were you unable to deal with it?
What inside of you last time y'all split up made you okay with breaking up?
You know, what inside of you, you know, made you upset enough at her where you were like, okay, good, I'm done with this as well.
And if that's not an issue anymore, if those issues aren't there anymore, then I think you can move forward and try it again.
But if you're going to rehash old stuff, you got to start at a clean slate, dude.
Because if you're going to rehash old stuff, then it's just going to bubble out.
It's going to be the same type of thing.
Whatever happened before, those things are just going to be lying under the blankets and they're going to pop up after a little bit of sex, you know.
And I would hold off on the sex, man, honestly.
I'd just be casual about it.
Because you guys maybe are in a different place now.
You've already got some history.
And, you know, just embrace the good history.
You know, at least you got somebody coming back around, man.
That's nice, dude.
It's better than, you know, it's better than not having somebody.
But I would take it easy, man.
It sounds like you're taking it easy.
I would continue to take it easy.
Be casual about it.
Don't just dive all the way in, man.
It's easy to just try and get up in that, you know, up in that kunt and just, you know, be, just get your tongue in there and just be nasty.
But you got to take it easy when it comes to the sensuality.
You got to build up the groundwork around that first, whether this is a new relationship or an old relationship.
Anyhow, man, I am, it's late here.
It's 2.39.
I want to thank everybody again for helping out with the album.
I want to thank everybody that called and dropped some calls in.
I know I got to start doing this earlier, man.
I am a little tired again.
But I'll try and, you know, I'm just learning as I go.
And I appreciate you guys checking out this past weekend.
My past weekend was kind of boring a little bit, so I didn't have a lot.
I was just, it was just really just a lot of emotions and just not feeling fucking super great.
You know?
And sometimes, dude, that is my weekend.
And this was one of those times.
But I appreciate you guys' support.
Anything else that I need to share?
Nope.
I don't think so.
I will tell you this.
On the way out, we're going to listen to, I've got this little keypad now to help me out.
You know, because we've been talking about love, dude.
We're going to check out a little bit of foreigner.
I want to know what love is.
A little time to think things over.
I say yacht rock, dude.
If you're on a yacht, that's what you listen to, boy.
Yacht rock.
Oh, I've had adult gas, bro, today.
Butt gas.
And it is trying, bro.
I think I ate something at the airport.
*music*
Hear that instrument?
I don't even know what fucking instrument that is, dude.
The old jammer remember this one, dude.
Dude, the clap.
Find your mentor, man.
Find somebody to help you out if you're out there.
If you're broken, dog.
I don't know if I can face it again Can't stop now, I've traveled so far It's that jam, dog.
It's that Christian rock.
I want you to join me.
Damn, that's every dude out there want to know what love is.
We're not the role models we used to, man.
So we got to build it from the ground up if you want it.
You got to build it from the ground up, man.
Get your heartbeat up.
You guys stay up.
Stay out of the darkness, dude.
Stay out of the darkness, man.
You know?
Gay guy bit my cousin, too.
I told you about that.
But we'll see, man.
Thank you guys for your support, bro.
You guys be good or be good at it, huh?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sui.
Here's a deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamine.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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