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Jan. 23, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
51:26
1-23-17 | This Past Weekend #6

Theo talks indecisiveness over yogurt. Failing triceps. Reagan's boys. And answers a fan question.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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There it is There it is guys Got a new Prezi in it's Monday January 23rd and that is Hail to the chief That's a song they play man probably cop that from the Native Americans back in the day.
I wonder if that burns them a little you know hail to the chief knowing that uh you know that honestly probably a lot of whites took their land and a lot of Europeans I'm betting a lot of time it's just really generalized that whites did it but I'm betting there were a lot of Europeans there on horses as well I got some tea I'm not feeling that that well I don't know what I got I just got like a kind of a head just fluish kind of thing I think they had this homeless dude right and
you know I respect the homeless bruh I've lived I've lived in some shitty places I've never lived I slept in a ball pit one night actually when I first got to LA the first couple of nights I was here a buddy of mine and I were looking for a place right we're looking for an apartment so we didn't have a place to sleep so what we did was at night we would jump over the fence at the McDonald's off of Wilshire Boulevard here
in Los Angeles and we would sleep in the ball pit you know the play uh the play area we would sleep in the ball pit right so the first night we're in there you know and it's cool it's kind of uh it was a little cold it was a little cold but you get under the balls it's not as bad you know your body heat kind of builds up and we were wearing a lot of extra winter you know attire then the second night same thing we're in there and during the day we're checking out CD places and you know trying to figure out what we
can get approved for to get a lease the third night we're in the pit you know we jump in after they shut down they shut at 11 get out of there at five and we're talking we're in the ball pit and a all of a sudden there's like an Asian dude on the slot from the slide we hear a guy say hey can you guys keep it down out there there was another guy sleeping on the on the plastic slide that came down into the ball pit so I think it was an Asian
dude he sounded Asian could have been a guy with a lisp or with you know what else could he have had maybe a part of his tongue was damaged or something but he sounded Asian sounded like an Asian gentleman so so I guess I have been a little bit homeless that's as homeless as I've been but outside of that I've lived in some real shitholes grew up in a shithole but anyway I borrowed a homeless guy was like you know doing raps and I respect that you know it's something you know you got to come up I've never really
heard of a guy going from homeless to you know to to pop sensation but but it could happen and so the dude he gave me his headphones he's like listen to this listen to this hit you know it's got to be of course it's a hit bro I haven't even heard it you know let me judge that but anyway he put his headphone he gave me his headphones and I put them in my ears and that I think was the bad move because after that I just felt my brain and my head and
everything I just felt squirrely so so I just shouldn't have borrowed uh shouldn't have borrowed that dude's headphones so that's just a note for the future you know don't use you know use your own headphones don't go don't borrow a homeless guy's headphones anyhow uh it's january 23rd hail to the chief hail to the chief
uh this chief what have i been up to man been feeling okay man some indecisiveness recently um we're gonna get into a couple of things in a minute into some of the news i'm gonna talk about uh a little bit of sensuality give you guys a little sensual report on you know some sensual stuff i've been dealing going through and dealing with uh what else we'll talk about uh we got a request from a fan via snapchat uh we have i promised you guys i'd talk about uh some oral you
know different oral sensual activities that i had when i was younger um and a couple more sounds i got a few more sounds i just kind of went through my brain and found some sounds that i make so that's what's on the docket uh what man i was feeling indecisive i had a you know i didn't i get in this thing where like i'm hungry but i don't have any food you know and i have money to get food you know i'm thankful for that but so i'm at the grocery store you know finally get you know give in to my desires
of my stomach and i get over there and they got the yogurts bruh right i'm in the yogurt section and um and i like the dairy section man i'm a dairy guy you know i'm lactose intolerant but i'm brave you know i get out there in those you know i mean you're out in those fart streets a lot of times bro if you choose to do dairy and if your system isn't really you know isn't you know doesn't have the proper gradient uh for dairy you know you can kind of you kind of can live in those fart streets
so they got the yogurts dude and the uh the yogurts it was uh it was eight for four dollars now that's a deal bruh that's a deal you know and the problem was i start picking them out and i just get bit by something that always plagues me is i'm indecisive you know and i know one of the one of the one of the one of the cornerstones of a real champion human and of a good man is that you know he's decisive
and i'm trying to be more decisive you know i know that i struggle with it and i want to do it better you know i want to make decisions better but they got eight for four dollars but they got they got 30 flavors of yogurt you know like when i was young they had two flavors they had blueberry and they had strawberry bruh you know and then they also had nothing that was the third flavor remember that you ever accidentally get the nothing flavor you know like you would get and you open it up you think it's blueberry or
strawberry but it's nothing bruh it just tastes like a like a like a bucket of milk just gestated into your mouth you know uh That was really disheartening when my mom would let us pick out a yogurt and we got the wrong one.
So, anyway, I'm standing there.
It's eight for $4, 50 cents a pop.
You know, I'm in.
I'm in.
They hook me with the deal.
They hook me with the literature right there on the little thing.
Eight for $4.
But I can't, like, right out of the gate, I get two vanillas, bruh, because I do vanilla yogurts.
I got two vanillas.
But then the flavors start getting a little bit squirrely.
They have key lime pie.
Huh?
I'm not, you know, I don't think I'm ready for that.
So I picked up, I copped a couple of cherries because that reminded me of when I was young as well.
Cherry was like a new flavor and everybody went berserkers for that.
I copped a blueberry, even though I didn't like it.
You know, we ate a lot of blueberry yogurt when I was young and it just made me, you know, maybe I had a bad experience, I guess.
But it just, I don't know.
It just made me feel, it makes me feel poor when I eat blueberry yogurt.
It makes me feel a little bit tender.
They had lemon burst.
I'm not doing that, okay?
I think that's for, you know, a special type of man, maybe.
You know, it might be for a woman that's just got a divorce or something.
I don't know.
But I'm not doing lemon burst, right?
So I got a couple vanillas.
I got the cherry.
I got the blueberry.
And I'm just sifting through these other flavors, dude.
And they just started getting bizarre.
They had gingerbread.
I don't think we need it.
And I ended up copping actually a couple of basic limes because I had lime once before, regular lime, not the key lime pie.
But it kind of left a bad taste in my mouth.
Maybe, you know, I don't know if maybe I'd been smoking cigarettes at the time or maybe I'd just been in a bad mood when I ate it.
So I copped a couple of limes.
But literally, I'm standing there.
I've been at the thing for probably 15 minutes, man, picking out, you know, trying to get my selection to eat yogurts.
I think what I'm saying here is that I could never be president.
I'm not a president.
Unless I get better at picking out yogurts, man.
So anyway, that's where I'm at.
I guess I'm feeling kind of indecisive.
There was a lot of rain today.
One of the Hollywood Hills kind of slid into the street.
So, you know, maybe a couple of, you know, probably some wealthy people, you know, probably lost some very expensive pets or something.
I have no clue what occurred.
You know, probably some $30,000 rose bushes, you know, came down into where us pleons live.
But that was going on, man.
That's where I'm at.
Just feeling a little bit indecisive.
But yeah, we got a new president.
The new president's in.
I thought the inauguration was cool.
I never watched it before.
I think I'm just getting older now where you start to kind of tune into those things.
Because eventually you get old and just furious about politics and then you die.
You know, that's how it kind of works for most seniors.
I thought Melania, the new first lady, looked beautiful, man.
I thought she looked nice in that dress.
I don't know if that's called a dress or not, but like this, you know, light blue smock.
And I thought it was cool, the little kid, man, the kid Baron.
Just to be like a kid and you're standing up there.
It had to be so bizarre.
I just kept kind of wondering what was going through his head.
Like, does he even, you know, realize the magnet, you know, the magnify the size of this event?
Does he have any idea?
I thought that was pretty cool to see the kid.
And there's one point, there's a video out there, if you haven't seen it, where his mom tells him to do something and he makes like this cat hands at her, dude.
So I'm looking forward to that little kid getting in the White House and, you know, burning some curtains or who knows what he's going to do.
I mean, that kid's going to go through purbity in the White House, bro.
I mean, anything is buzzable.
So I'm really intrigued to see how it shakes down for a little Baron.
What else?
What else is in the news?
We have violent weather here.
The most rain we've had.
A lot of bad weather out in Georgia.
People died.
You know, that's heartbreaking, man.
Because usually a lot of times tornadoes are just like serial killers for poor people.
Like, they just attack the poor.
You know, I mean, I don't know why people continue to build their homes in these alleys where these tornadoes frequent.
You know, I can understand you want to get ballsy and get out there and go toe-to-toe with a tornado, bro.
I actually had a NATO experience, bro.
I went toe-to-toe with a NATO.
I'm popping a couple of...
Melatonin gummy bears.
They got little gummies.
And they help your brain rest at night.
Because I got an active brain.
My brain's active.
That's what they said.
When I was a child, a lot of my children reports from school said active brain.
Strong heart.
Got the heart of a lesbian.
My father always told me that when I was young.
He told me I got the heart of a lesbian, which always kind of stuck with me.
I had an old dad.
Some of you guys don't know.
My dad was 70 years old when I was born.
My dad was born in 1910.
He was a missionary from Nicaragua.
So anyway, what are we talking about?
Let me get back to what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the tornadoes just going at poor people.
And I had an experience.
I was working on a farm when I was just out of college.
In the summertimes, I would work on a farm on the Louisiana-Mississippi border.
And that was right off of Faraday and Vidalia, Louisiana.
And that's where Jerry Lee Lewis is from, right around there.
Goodness gracious great balls of fire.
You take my nerves and you're right on my brains.
So I'd be over there and I was just a farmhand, dude.
I would do whatever, you know, drive tractors, plant, clean, paint, odds and ends, man.
That's what my deal was.
We get out there.
I had a knife, had a gun in the truck.
We'd get out there in the morning and we'd get out there early, 7.30, and we worked till 7 or 6.30.
I mean, we worked.
It was a day's work, man.
i was a man i was a man i was a man and it felt good man it felt good to come home and i wouldn't even think i couldn't even think about anything i was so tired i would just fall asleep i would eat with the family they put me up and uh and then i would fall asleep and then i would wake up crack a dawn and we'd go again that was it and you you worked as much as the weather permitted so you could work 12 13 days in a row sometimes anyhow so one day i'm i'm working at the farmhouse i'm i don't know what i'm
doing cleaning or maybe painting and they had this other gentleman that was working with me he was thick i mean this boy was coming in he might be deceased now he was you know that size the kind of size where when you meet him you you get a good look at him because you know that you're not gonna a few years later you probably won't get to look at them again because you know they're gonna head on back to whatever back to the spiritual realm because of their size you know and this guy was just thick and
just always just sweating out of his neck and his face and just a sweet man dude he was a sweet man bro um anyway we're working together and there've been bad weather coming through and then a tornado report comes up and it says that there's a tornado right in our area so we go outside and you can literally see this tornado you know maybe 2,000
yards away or a couple miles I don't know how many yards 2,000 yards is I mean I know it's 2,000 but it's I have no clue how far that is I made that up I mean I didn't you know what I'm saying dude I'm guessing I'm guessing so we're like we know we got to hide in a ditch dude that's what you always heard right I think anyway I mean hell that could be for anything but for some reason I just remembered that I'm like we I'm like bro we got to hide in this we got to hide in this ditch so we run across and we and
I get into a ditch dude right well this guy and it's a ditch bro it's like I mean it's probably three acres long this ditch it's a little irrigation canal this dude gets in the ditch on top of me on top of me bro so now I got this guy 300 something pounds on my back laying in this ditch I mean I'm heavily protected now from this storm but just the ignorance really going through that man's skull at that time that
he wouldn't pick another spot in the ditch to be I mean it's kind of sacrificial I guess that he would get on top of me like that it didn't feel homoerotic I I couldn't feel any of his waist touching me it just felt like all just basically just a breadth of stomach and chest torso meat just a anyway so that was just kind of a storm experience man I had a hole up in this ditch with this gentleman
and and yeah the storm you know the tornado came close it didn't it damaged some stuff in the area but we were fine and and that was that so you know I don't I don't really have any you know if it's a tornado coming I don't know what do you do you know what do you do I guess you get in the ditch that's that's what I'm I guess that's the advice if you got a tornado coming get in the ditch and if you're poor you know just know that these tornadoes are I mean statistically they're looking for you you know I don't know if mother nature is just a killer
and that's how she chooses to just get the poor but but it seems it seems to be enough evidence there where that's there's some validity to that I'll tell you this dude yeah Trump is in office they got a new got a new president I think change is always exciting I think you know it was interesting a few years ago I kind of hated for a long time I've kind of felt like like my generation nothing ever
happened in our environment that made us wake up in the morning with any feelings or any vigor or any you know like our parents had you know there were I mean our grandparents had like Vietnam and some of our parents had Vietnam or World War I there was a lot of World War II obviously you know I'm not a big war buff but they like you know they got up and they had a feeling in their heart like they had a cause or they had like you know I stand for this or
like you know when they had all the Woodstock you know or civil rights like people would wake up with a beat in their heart for like a reason to be alive and I feel like I've grown up in this generation where you just wake up like all right you know I'm up you know and maybe that just could have been some of my own lackadaisicalness but but now I feel like people are waking up with some fervor you know they realize that you know their government probably isn't going to help them out very much and
that they that we have to do it ourselves I don't care what you know if you're Democrat or Republican or who you support but I feel like that's kind of cool it's pretty interesting to wake up and have a just a sense of purpose when it comes to something bigger than ourselves not or not just ourselves like you know I don't you know it's like now we wake up with some fucking dick in your balls you know with some fucking extra cooch juice in your curtains you know what I'm saying ladies like you just yeah
you got a little freaking spittle in your griddle you know and I think change does that any kind of change if you're you know like just anything gets you up gets you up in the morning and gets you fired up that's uh that's what's going on they got the new president they had the march they had the million women march or I'm not sure how many women it was a lot of women you know and that's it was pretty powerful to see I think a lot of the photos and stuff because my mother was a hardworking woman you know and
and you know she delivered newspapers since I was born and she would deliver baked goods regionally on the weekend you know she tried to keep us off a welfare and you know we would get some food from the church and stuff like that but so I think that that was inspiring to see these women you know getting together and and just creating a bond there.
Sometimes I think feminism just turns into like a hate men thing, and that's kind of scary.
You know, because men, we're just doing the best we can.
We don't fucking know.
You think we know what's going on?
No.
We're doing the best we can.
You know?
I mean, look at us.
We don't know.
We don't know.
I was thinking that there's got to be some dark husbands out there who were praying for an ISIS attack on DC, like hoping to get rid of their wives.
I'm sure there was a couple of dudes somewhere thinking like, you know, better give Janet a big hug.
This could be it.
There's a great movie called Get on the Bus, if you've never seen it.
It was about the Million Man March.
And I think it was for when Martin Luther King was speaking.
It's pretty cool, man.
Charles S. Dutton's in it.
But yeah, Homeless Dude, man, I borrowed his headphones, and I think, and dude, the rap was horrible.
It wasn't even a rap.
I don't even think it was his song.
Just felt taken advantage of.
Which makes me think about Ronald Reagan.
Because Reagan let all the Reagan next time, when I see homeless dudes, when I see people struggling out on the street, those are Reagan's boys.
That's what I call them.
Reagan's boys.
Because if you look back, they had a law that was passed in the 60s that provided like a lot of assistance and special care for mental health people.
Well, when Reagan was in office, the law got repealed.
And all of a sudden, all the money that was going towards helping people that were, you know, just straight up, just a bunch of freaking soul wizards out there, you know, they were out on the street.
And a lot of them are still out there.
A lot of them have been mating with other homeless people and making, you know, other people that are out there and that are having a tough time and troubled.
And that's Reagan, bruh.
That's Reagan.
Everybody, you know, Reagan takes a nice picture.
He's got nice hair.
I respect all that.
Decent actor.
But Reagan, when you see some people that are out there schizophrenic and really struggling, and those are Reagan's boys, man.
So, you know, I don't know if Nancy Reagan's still alive, but you could probably tweet at her about it.
Oh, man.
What else, dude?
What else, man?
Had some adult sex, bruh.
You know, had some adult sex.
And it was cool.
You know, it was cool.
I think I got to, you know, make sure that when I am getting sexually involved, that I'm, you know, making sure it's like for something poignant, you know, it's for a real relationship or in that sort of vein.
Because I'll say this, dude, if you stay out there just ding-a-linging every, you know, piece of slick canal that pops up, it's not going to help your heart, you know.
And I know I'm almost preaching to the choir.
So maybe I had a moment of fit of weakness or something.
I don't know.
You know, at the same time, you're trying to be a man.
And, you know, this girl is cool.
She's a neat chick.
But I do realize that, you know, my triceps aren't what they used to be.
That's for sure.
I've really just felt kind of meek.
Just meek in the triceps, you know.
So that really kind of hurt my feelings a little bit, got in my head.
And one of my hips was clicking.
I mean, just Morse coding the whole time.
So that's, you know, and this girl's a little younger than me.
And so that's, that's just, I don't know if that's a turnoff.
Is that a turnoff if you're a younger girl?
If any younger women are listening to this or young men who, you know, who prefer to be with men, if you're having sex with a man and he's older than you and his hip clicks or his bones are clicking, and I already have a weak neck.
I've always had a weak neck.
Never, never anything I feared more than a headlock.
If there was, there was one buddy I had growing up that was always headlocking people, and man, I couldn't be friends with him after a while.
Just out of the fear, just I couldn't, I don't think I'm, I don't think I could go through a headlock.
A good headlock, I couldn't go through it.
But if there's any young ladies out there who, you know, who do sex with older, you know, more adult men, is that a turnoff?
Do you notice that?
Like if a man's kind of, you know, his bones are clicking or something, if you guys are being sensual?
Anyway, let me know.
Let me know if you know.
Sober sex, man.
That's sober sex.
That's for children, I feel like.
Sober sex is for children, dude.
When you're young, you can be sober and have sex, bro.
It's awesome.
you don't notice all your own deficiencies or inconsistencies.
You don't notice like your ashy skin or, you know, that you need moisturizer on your ass or you don't notice, you know, you got to, you know, But when you get out there as an adult, you're doing sober sex, man, it's all your senses are so heightened.
They're active.
You know, you're just, things are getting out of sorts.
It's just.
So anyway, if there's any children out there, do sex when you're, you know, sober sex is for children.
That's when you do it.
You know, get out there and, you know, get your eggs moist out there.
But do it when you're young, you know, because when you get older, it's just, it's not the same.
It's not the same.
It's not the same.
But yeah, man.
Took this young lady out, bought her a little shellfish, bruh.
They got this place around the corner.
They do a nice little clam dinner.
You know, they get you a big dish of clams and you, you know, you kind of sit there.
You can teamwork a little bit.
And, you know, and that's really, I feel like always been the way to a girl's heart, man.
You throw some shellfish in a lady.
And unless they're allergic, if they're allergic, they'll turn red.
So, you know, that's a stop.
That's a no-go.
Shut it down for the night, bro.
When You throw shellfish in a lady, bro.
You almost have to hide your dick because they come out.
You know, their libido really strikes up.
Even some of that seaweed, bro, you warm it up, that hot kale, bruh.
You fill it brought up with hot kale, son.
You're ready.
You're going to have to exercise some P control, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, boy.
You throw a batch of hot clams in a girl, dog.
You better have some pussy control ready, bruh.
And I hate to use the P word, man.
I know a lot of ladies don't like that, you know.
But that's what's up, man.
So, yeah, man.
Got the girl.
You know, we had a nice time.
Sweet gal.
You know, she works at actually met her at one of those, not an eat and go, hit and, what's that gas station?
I think it's hit and run or eat and go.
Hit and run?
No, hit and run, I think, is an accident.
It's a eat and run.
She worked at a gas station inside.
Not outside.
She's not pumping the gas.
You know, she's not really kind of an outdoors woman.
She's more of an indoor service center.
She works in the service center at a gas station dealing with, you know, people want to pay for the gas, get coffee, snacks, and different indoor elements that she's vending in there.
But nice girl, man.
I met her a couple times when I was getting a tank.
And then, you know, we warmed to each other.
And next thing you know, we went on this second date that we went on, you know.
And she got some nice hair and just really, she's not the brightest, I don't think, really.
She's not dumb.
She just isn't, when it comes to knowledge, she just, that's not really her strong suit, I would say, you know, but anyway, so we got sensual, you know, and now I just got to monitor my feelings because when I was younger, if I would get sensual with the woman, you know, get sexual, do sexual activity, do some adult sex, a lot of times I would just kind of, you know, hide from them or, you know, or not communicate.
But now I'm trying to communicate clearly exactly what my feelings are.
And that's tough to do, man.
You know, living life on life's terms, man, it's tough to do.
So just trying to be an adult about the scenario.
So, you know, keep me in your thoughts about that if you can, because I'm going to try to be honest with this girl.
And I can always use support when it comes to that, I feel like.
What else, dude?
Let's get into a little bit more.
Let's cover a little more sensuality.
I talked about blowjobs on the past thing, oral sex.
So I'll tell you about this.
When I was young, when I was a younger man, I was a child, really.
I was just a middle-aged child.
And they had one of my first girlfriends.
Now, they had a girl in our school who had done some blowjobs, you know.
And that was the rumor anyway.
And, you know, once a girl, once that rumor hits the air, it's, you know, when I was young anyway, it was, you know, the girls were like all shaming her, but all the dudes were like, whoa, you know, Tanya's goddamn mouth, boo-boo.
So, um, so anyhow, she liked me, man.
She liked me.
And this was like the first girl, or maybe the second girl that ever liked me.
I dated another girl that really was like a young man almost.
She had real short, short hair.
And whenever we would hug, kids would yell out the bus and call us, they would call us fags, honestly.
They just call us homosexuals.
Even though she was, and I would yell back, this is a girl because I wanted to stand up for her.
But that still kind of hurts my feelings because she was a sweet girl, real smart, and grew up to be beautiful.
But at the time, she was, you know, going through puberty and so was I. And, you know, just people were changing.
You can morph into like the other sex for a couple of after, you know, for an perverty, you'll meet somebody during the afternoon, morning, they'll look fine.
In the afternoon, their neck is an inch longer.
You know, they hit like a feminine speed bump in their puberty chair, in their puberty trail.
So you don't know.
But anyway, she and I were going through purbity around the same time.
And man, our loins were fired up every day.
And we would touch hands.
And my just fucking legs would get straight.
That's how just erect I was at that time.
Just, God, I couldn't even turn my neck.
The blood was just so tight.
I couldn't even turn my weak, weak little neck.
Anyhow, so anyway, this other girl, you know, there was rumored that she'd done some blowjobs.
So I'm fired up, you know, because she liked me, you know, and she was cute and she was funny.
And we went, there was a party or something and she and I were going to make out, bruh, you know, and so this was my big opportunity, you know, I was a young man and I was just coming into my feelings and my nipples were hard.
One of my nipples stayed hard for, dude, probably seven or eight years, bro.
My left nipple, I remember, oh, it was just so sensitive.
You know, it was just a tender, just little, it was just like a little, just a little fucking mole of sensuality at the tip of my little, you know, chest, little boy, little, just boy breast.
And anyhow, so we supposed to meet in, at this party, she and I were going to meet off in the woods and we're going to do some blowjob.
You know, I was going to, you know, be the recipient of this, you know, novel new practice, really, as far as I was concerned, because it was new in my zeitgeist of thought or zeitgeist of life.
You know, nobody was getting this.
This was hot activity, man.
And so we started kind of kissing a little bit.
And I was nervous, dude.
I was so nervous.
I didn't have any feelings in my body.
And so she was kind of getting my junk out.
And a mom saw us, dude.
Somebody's mom came up and saw us.
And I just felt so ashamed, bro.
Oh, dude, this mom walked up and saw us, right?
Dude.
And there was like a pine tree right there.
And I went and hid Behind the pine tree, like there was no other, like there was, it was so obvious.
And then, and the mom's like, she knew me, she's like, Theo, and I just pretended like I wasn't there, bro.
And I was literally nine feet away from her behind this pine tree.
And she, like, walked over a few feet at a different angle, and she could obviously see me.
And anyhow, that kind of ended the relationship with the young lady.
You know, there was just too much.
It was just, I don't know, I was just nervous and it was just brought a lot of attention to you.
You know, when you could be the future recipient of the first blowjob out of all your friends, it's just all people are asking you about is this and this and this and, you know, about your, you know, your, how you're feeling today and making sure you eat an extra lunch.
You know, you got to gear up and, you know, make sure you, you know, you're not, they're giving all like idiot kids giving you like, don't masturbate.
You got to masturbate.
Like just crazy advice and just whatever, dude, and eating different foods, you know, man, you got to, you know, you got to drink more water.
You know, you got to make sure your dick's right, you know?
So I was doing all kinds of crazy stuff, man.
I remember borrowing some of my mom's lotion and putting that around my crotch and every, I mean, I was, you know, I was just a young guy.
I was going through it.
So that was just kind of like my first oral experience, dude.
It didn't go well.
And I think I carried a lot of shame from that because I was just a lot of embarrassment, you know.
And then the girl and I ended up breaking up.
And I think I was kind of bummed because she was really, a really cool chick.
And who knows if she'd ever given a blowjob before.
But anyway, that's my early blowjob story.
But yeah, man, I just had, oh, I got a peach yogurt.
I got a peach yogurt as well because they got these fruit bits in it.
And that's good stuff.
So I got that peach as well.
I want to get to a question from somebody.
I'm tired, man.
It's late.
But on Snapchat, The Blessed asked me, the B-L-E-S-T, asked me, what's my favorite Rode comedy story?
And I'm going to tell you this story.
This is a story that was told to me, but it's the best story that I've ever heard.
So a comedian told me he was performing one time in the Midwest somewhere.
And after the show, this hot chick comes up to him right off the stage and starts flirting with him all over him.
And he was like a moderate looking dude.
You know, I'm an eight.
I know I'm an eight.
I'm a healthy eight, bro.
As long as I take care of my teeth, I'm an eight.
I'm cool with where I'm at.
You know, I'm not jumping in conclusions.
But this guy, he told me he's like this hot chick.
And he said she was out of my league.
That's what he said.
She was all over me, bro.
All over me.
So, you know, the place starts to shut down.
We have a couple of cocktails.
She and I are both liquored up.
And I'm like, well, why don't you come back to my hotel?
And she's like, well, why don't you come with me to my place?
And the next day, he had to fly out the next day at like noon.
So he's like, ah, you know, I don't know where it is.
And I think it was in Cincinnati.
And he's like, I already don't know kind of where I am.
And I don't know if that's the best idea.
And he said the girl got kind of upset, but that she came back to his hotel with him anyway.
So they start kind of making out in his room.
And this girl was like one of those crazy girls that like starts biting you.
You ever get that girl?
Like you're just trying to kiss and she's like trying to bite you all sexually, but like, you know, like she'll like bites you on your chin and she bites you too hard and then you're pissed off and you're, you know, you're missing a little bit of skin or something on your cheek.
And you're like, what the fuck?
Like, this is not joy for anyone.
This is not joy for anyone.
But anyway, so he said she was like that.
She was all over him and biting him and just kind of pulling his hair.
And he didn't even have much hair.
And now he doesn't have really any hair at all.
So I wonder if that kind of resonates with him a little bit when he thinks back.
But anyway, she kept saying, let's go back to my place.
Let's go back to my place.
I've got drugs.
I've got pills, you know.
She kept saying that her dad was a doctor and she's got pills and all this stuff.
And my buddy started to get freaked out.
He was like, it was at the point where she was so hot that I kept keeping her around and I kept getting bit.
But it was scary.
It was scary.
So finally he's like, look, you got to go.
And when he said that, she like threw a phone book or something in his room.
This is when they had phone books.
And a phone book, dangerous fucking instrument.
Thank God we evolved to just like online yellow pages or white pages because that thing, probably a lot of spouses and weak males have lost their life to a phone book, I bet.
But anyhow, he said that she threw the phone book at him, started throwing shit in his room at him, so he kicked her out.
Well, the feature act, the guy who was opening up for him on the road, a younger dude, was right down the hall, right?
And he heard the commotion or whatever, so he had come to his door.
And while the chick is leaving, she sees him.
And she'd seen him on stage earlier before, too, because she was at the show where she met the headliner.
So she starts flirting with this guy.
Well, he doesn't really know what has occurred.
He just knows that this hot chick all of a sudden is all over him, this young dude.
And she's like, you should come with me.
And so, of course, the young dude, bro, you know, his nuts are straight up whispering in his ears, let's go.
So he left.
He left out with her.
They took a taxi or whatever.
About 40 minutes.
And they get out to this house and like off this like kind of a little bit of a, not shady area, but like a wooded area.
And she takes him inside.
And they start hooking up in this room.
And she's like, do you want me to, is it okay if I handcuff you?
And he's like, sure, yeah, that's cool.
You know, he's like all fired up.
So this chick like handcuffs him and she'd taken some pills or something right when they got there and they're all fucked up.
Well, she handcuffs him, starts giving him a blow job, and then she passes out like unconscious, like in his lap, like unconscious, dude.
Which has got to be, I mean, I Can't even imagine.
And he's handcuffed at this house.
He doesn't know this girl, really.
And the door to the room is open.
And then he sees headlights flash across the walls, like a car turning into the driveway.
The driveway, right?
So this dude's losing his mind, bro.
Probably just coming in his brain, but not like real sweet seed, probably just straight up scare and fear, just juice just flowing out of his cerebellum stem into his brain, right?
And then he hears the front door open, like with keys.
And a man, a grown man, walks past the room, peeks in, sees him, sees the girl, walks into the kitchen.
He can hear the guy in the kitchen, hears the guy do some stuff.
Then the guy comes in, picks the girl up.
It's a man about in his 50s, picks the girl up, takes her out of the room.
And the whole time, my buddy's like apologizing, or not my buddy, but this guy's, the feature, this guy who's there, who's chained up to the bed, is like apologizing, and the old dude's not talking to him.
So he's like scared out of his mind, and they didn't have cell phones.
This before they had cell phones, so he's like freaking out.
There's nothing he can do.
The dude comes back in.
He's like, don't make a word.
Don't make a sound.
Don't say a thing.
And he sits on the bed next to the guy.
And he's like, if I ever see you with my daughter again, it's not going to end well for you.
And the dude is like scared and squirrely and everything.
And then the guy gives the young dude a blow job, man.
And he tells him, like, if he doesn't go along with it, that, you know, I don't know, maybe bad things are going to happen or whatever.
But he gives the dude a blowjob, bruh.
Like, with a face and a penis, dude.
And that's the, and then, so the guy finishes or whatever.
The dad then goes into the kitchen and like apparently like made himself like a sandwich or something.
I guess the kid said he could hear the dad in there making a sandwich.
And not the kid.
The guy's not a kid.
He's probably in his early 20s.
But then the dad comes back in, unlocks him, tells him if he ever sees him with his daughter again, that things are going to be even worse.
And then just kicks him out of the house.
So then you got this young dude walking in the middle of nowhere, no phone, gets to a payphone, calls the headliner, the dude who had kicked the girl out of his room earlier, calls him, and says, man, you got to come pick me up.
Like, this is where I am.
And the headliner came and picked him up.
And when the guy got back in his car, that's the story that he told him.
He told him what happened.
And that's the story that that headliner told me.
And that's the best road story that I've ever heard.
I mean, it's not great, obviously, because, you know, there's a lot of crime in there.
There's sexual, you know, deviancy.
There's, you know, I mean, the guy, I guess, got orally, you know, raped or attacked.
You know, it's not right.
But it's fucking wild, bruh.
You know what I'm saying, dude?
That's a crazy story.
And I can't imagine that this headliner could make that up.
I mean, it's just too intense, man.
It's just too intense, bro.
So the blessed, that's the craziest story I ever heard.
I know that this pod has had a lot of profanity and stuff in it, man.
And I'm sorry, bro, but I'm tired.
You know, I'm tired.
And when my brain gets weak, sometimes it resorts to verbal, you know, it just wants to be naughty.
It just wants to be naughty.
He got some naughty brain.
He got some naughty brain.
But yeah, I'm going to break down real quick.
Maybe just to run through quick recap.
I got to eat yogurts, you know, so I'm square there.
I thought Melania looked good.
Thoughts and prayers to the people in Georgia and Mississippi that were affected by the tornadoes.
A lot of death over there.
I got to get my triceps in order because, you know, this, and I got to check on this click and hip, you know, because it's just, you're losing points there sexually, I think.
If any younger girls or girls, not young girls, you know, of age, adult women, have any thoughts on that, let me know.
Or, yeah, women, you know, or if you're married and your husband, his body's clicking and stuff during sex, how do you do you acknowledge that?
Do you let that pass?
Man, if there's something you do, if there's like a silencer or something you can put on, like you wear a brace on your knee or something, or, you know, wear like a thick accoutrement around your waist to kind of hide some of the click or muffle it, let me know.
If you see two homeless people making out, do what I do, bro.
Call the cops, bro.
Every time.
Call the cops.
And the ladies seem like, well, what's the crime?
And I'm like, if they have sex and have a child, they're going to make immediately that child is homeless.
Immediately.
And I don't think that, you know, outdoor people and people that are having trouble don't deserve the best, but I don't know if that's the best way to go about it.
So what else, man?
Let me just give you a, I'll give you an update on how I'm feeling, bruh.
I'm feeling, I've just been feeling a little down in the dumps, honestly, this past weekend.
So it's kind of a bummer.
You know, I feel a little bit sick from that dude's headphones, but yeah, my spirits just aren't super up.
So I'm hoping that tomorrow's, you know, we'll be, I mean, obviously tomorrow's a new day, and I'm going to start off with, you know, hopefully maybe a little bit light prayer, maybe some meditation.
I've still stuck with my new masturbation policy, so that's going strong, you know, and I guess there are some positives, and I just got to focus on that.
But sometimes it's not easy, you know, sometimes it's not easy to keep, you know, it's just life's tough and you sometimes don't even know what it is, man.
You know, like I've suffered from depression a lot over years.
You don't know what it is.
But it could be anything.
You know?
You know, it could be anything.
So, but that's a little bit of what's going on with me.
I feel like we've been going for a long time.
So, I'm going to postpone.
Yeah, I'm going to postpone those oral sounds till next week.
We already talked enough about sexuality here today, I feel like, and that sort of thing.
But I got another great story from my youth about oral sex, but I'll tell that another time.
But yeah, if you have any thoughts on the episode or on the podcast or anything, just let me know, you know, because I'm trying to do my best.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.
I'm literally just sitting up in my apartment just talking into a recorder in the middle of the night.
So it's, I mean, if this ain't weird, I don't know what is, but everything is.
But I do appreciate you guys listening to me.
I feel a little bit better than when I started.
I almost kind of feel like I had somebody to talk to a little bit.
So maybe that's bizarre, but I don't know.
Everything's bizarre.
But take care of yourself.
Why don't you do that, huh?
Be good to yourself this week.
You know, you owe it to yourself to try and be good to yourself.
You know, take some contrary actions.
If you're not feeling good, try something different.
You know, if you got somebody to love, tell them you love them, bro.
If you got a mother, call them.
Tell them you love them.
It's the only mother you ever, ever going to have, man.
It's the only one you ever going to have, bro.
I don't care how much you hate her.
Give her a buzz.
Listen to her for an extra 10 minutes.
Did I call mom the other day?
I don't even know what the fuck she was talking about, dude.
And most of the time I don't.
But at this age, even though we, you know, had odds at a lot of time in our life, I just listen.
You know, I just listen.
I just listen.
I'm not saying that I'm a good person because of that.
I'm just saying that I know that one day I'll look back and probably regret that I didn't.
So anyhow, yeah, sorry if I'm kind of dour.
You know, I'm just being however I can be.
But congrats to the Atlanta Falcons fans.
Congrats to the New England Patriots fans.
Man, Bill Belichick, he's good.
He's good.
Pittsburgh didn't show up.
They just didn't show up.
But fuck the Saints, man.
I love the Saints, but I just cannot deal with Sean Payton as the coach.
Got to go.
Anyhow, that's enough sports talk.
I'm actually going to look on some stuff online, how I can strengthen my neck a little bit.
I bought this neck weight thing a while back.
It's like this hula hoop for your neck.
But it seemed more dangerous, I felt like, after a while than actually beneficial.
But we'll see.
We'll see, man.
But this is January 23rd.
I hope you have a great week.
And again, any constructive criticism.
I know this episode got long.
I'll try to make it shorter in the future.
You know, I'm just, I don't even know what I'm doing.
But take care of yourself.
I've got some dates coming up.
I'll be in Baltimore in February.
I know, yeah, in February, I'll be in Baltimore.
There's a chance I could come to Jacksonville.
I should know that tomorrow.
And I'll be in Virginia Beach this coming weekend, actually this weekend.
And I'll be in Chicago the following weekend, February 2nd through 4th out in Schaumburg.
But we got a lot of cool dates coming up this year.
And I appreciate you guys being here.
This is this past weekend, man.
Have a great day, huh?
Take care of yourself, huh?
All right.
That's it.
That's it, boy.
So weird that we do this in America, but that's America, man.
We're a weird place.
I think we're starting to recognize that.
I think everybody's starting to recognize that.
But I'm happy to live here, man.
I feel just blessed to be in this country.
The fact that we can even discuss how people feel.
I remember going to Cuba once and people would run up to the windows and they would tell us like that they were prisoners.
But I was an American.
I was just drinking in their streets and being a dumb American.
But I do remember that.
So we're pretty blessed, man.
I am.
We all are.
Do we recognize it?
I hope so.
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm talking about, dude.
The fucking homeless guy.
Just got to carry my own headphones with me from now on.
I just shouldn't have listened.
I shouldn't have listened.
I knew I shouldn't, I just...
I knew it wasn't going to be a hit.
There was zero chance of it being a hit, dude.
But part of me wants...
You know, my inner Lou Pearlman wants to just...
Wants to...
Whatever, man.
You guys be good, huh?
Hail to the chief.
You're the chief.
You are the chief, whoever you are.
Hail to yourself, huh?
Be good.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, Suiar.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Hai!
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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