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Dec. 26, 2016 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
42:36
12-26-16 | This Past Weekend #2

Theo talks George Michael's death. Fck all news. Visiting his childhood neighborhood. Kickball with pediofiles. School bus erections. And how Christmas was.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
You hear that guys, huh?
Good morning Good morning guys.
It's Monday December 26th the day after Christmas That's George Michael That's George Michael right there guys remember that one huh?
I want George Michael Oh man George Michael dead at 53 I think it is good morning guys.
It's this past weekend December 26th is Monday Sad to see that man that that made me and how you feeling how do you feel about it?
Did it hit you?
You know different celebrities different you know musicians especially they hit you so you're not you're not expecting it like Prince Yeah, Prince obviously like amazing you know once-in-a-lifetime type of entertainer but I didn't realize George Michael I started getting all these thoughts and feelings I used to listen to him on the school bus I remember that was one of the first songs that I heard man was George Michael
on the school bus right there and I remember that song when it came on I felt you know I'd be on the school bus and honestly I'd be a little bit erect you know I was young and I was spry and real sprung in the veins and I was getting erect on the school bus listening to George Michael and I felt ashamed I remember feeling ashamed like what
are you you what are you doing you little sinner you know and that song would come on I want your sex and I would look at the girl sitting across from me you know on the some some frumpet little muppet girl kind of Rubinesque you know thick and just just a pale girl I remember in big sun on big sunglasses she needed eyeglasses but her parents couldn't afford them I
guess and so they gave her sunglasses I'm like Jesus that's I don't think that's an accurate replacement you know I mean she basically looks like she's in the witness protection program now not only is her vision bad but uh you know but she looks like a California raisin anyway but I remember that song I Want Your Sex and I just remember just pushing myself up against the window just scared to even look around and
I remember making eye contact with her when that song was on one time and just ah just felt every feeling you could feel as a young man felt everything man I felt everything you know I felt like she and I had a moment you know I just I don't know it was heavy it was heavy that's all I remember is that it was heavy good to see you guys money uh happy day after Christmas
man Christmas happened you know Christmas happened this past weekend what else George Michael gone fake news fake news is still out there huh what else I was looking at the headlines this morning giraffes may disappear they said giraffes we might be almost out of giraffes so that's really alarming you know just the fact that we thought these giraffes would be here forever
but let's get into it man this past weekend my Christmas what was it like Friday I went to New Orleans to hang out with some friends I had a friend who's a DJ we went to the rusty nail over there in New Orleans I went to a buddy of mine from high school he's a contractor now he and his brother they had a what was it oh they had a Christmas party so I stopped by there it was good to see them catch up you know share
old stories things I didn't remember and my buddy's straight his brother's gay but I had and it reminded me his brother was the first gay guy I ever knew about I'd never thought about that before and it didn't you know it doesn't matter now and I don't think it mattered to anybody then but it was just you know it was a it was a novel thing it was like the first time that I heard about a Chinese boy you know I'd never you know I'd never spent any time didn't
know any Chinese people so I remember that they might have talked about this last week even they had a Chinese boy allegedly about 17 miles away from us when I was growing up and we heard about it we got wind of it you know we were downwind from the Chinese apparently and and so we saved up money me and two of my buddies we saved up money cutting yards made us a little bit of money and got a taxi we got a $41
taxi to go see the Chinese but there wasn't there was no Chinese it was a a laundromat one of those you know a cleaning a cleaners somebody built a cleaners and just you know a breakdown in communication via humans and we that was how when it got to us at 11 years old there was an alleged Chinese person and there's nothing wrong with being Chinese if you're out there and you're uber liberal and
you can't stand somebody saying the name of an ethnicity but we'd never heard about it we didn't know anything about it we were children and they didn't have we grew up in a white and black area so when we heard there's a Chinese person a boy too they said you know there's a little bit of lore There, legend.
You know, there was a Chinese boy.
If you hear some people in the background, it could be, I'm staying at my brother's house.
I'm actually in he and his wife's closet right now recording this.
So the kids could be fighting or crying or loving or being loving in the background.
That is an option.
So, ah, but anyway, what was I even talking about?
Yeah, I went to New Orleans, hang out with some friends.
But yeah, my buddy, the contractor, he and his brother are contractors, they had the first, he was the first gay guy that we ever knew about.
You know?
And there was, you know, the way they phrased it, you know, oh, yeah, but he does his own thing.
Oh, he's doing, yeah, that's right.
He's doing his own thing.
You know?
Oh, he's really, yeah, he's an adventurer.
You know, just the terms you would hear, you know, like, just crazy.
Anyway, that's what I did Friday, I believe.
I went to that.
Actually, that was Saturday.
That was Sat.
That was Friday.
That was Friday.
I went there to New Orleans.
We just had Stasi Schroeder on our podcast, on allegedly.
It'll be coming out tomorrow.
The girl from Vanderpump Rules.
If you're a Stasi Schroeder fan, you can check her out on our podcast on allegedly, which drops tomorrow, Tuesday, the 27th.
But she's from New Orleans, so texted her, see if she wanted to come out or she's in town.
Didn't get a response.
No response.
Sometimes you don't get responded to, you know?
You know, and even though I wasn't doing it sensually, it does, you know, it makes you as a man.
You know, you want to get a response from the ladies.
I could text my grandmother.
If she doesn't text back with that oyster dressing recipe of hers that I'm asking for, then I'm upset.
I'm upset about that.
So, yeah, I didn't get a text back, but that's okay, you know.
Busy ladies, these ladies are busy.
Especially these fancy ladies, you know, a lot of them can get a little busy.
But that's okay.
I'm just kind of clowning around there.
But she's on our podcast if you like Vanderpump Rules, if that's your universe, if that's what you watch, or if your wife makes you watch that at night, and you pretend like you don't like it, but you like it.
She's going to be on Allegedly Tomorrow.
I got into it with her, man.
I asked her some questions.
She's a beautiful girl, so I asked her some questions about sensuality, asking about some of her sexual thoughts and practices.
Notice kind of what she's into, if she's...
So anyway, we get a little sensual on there if you want to check out allegedly.
I'm going to drop some dates on you coming up.
I got the Virginia Beach Funnybone January 26th through 29th.
And then the following weekend, I got the improv in Chicago.
It's actually out in Schaumburg.
Schaumburg, Illinois, February 2nd through the 4th.
So that's exciting.
As well, if you do art, I'm looking for somebody to do some cover art for my album.
I got a new album that's dropping, 30 Pound Bag of Hamster Bones.
If you do cover art or you're an artist, inbox me, DM me, you know, slide into my DMs with your artistic talents, with your color pencils.
But no, seriously, if somebody wants to design a cover or submit an opportunity to design that, you know, you're welcome to do that.
What else?
So that was this past weekend.
I invited out the Vanderpump Rules girl.
You know, I did get a text back from her yesterday, maybe, on Christmas.
Maybe the day, maybe Saturday.
I think yesterday I got it.
Said, oh, I was at a party.
And I was busy, you know.
But that she may go out on tomorrow.
Or today, Monday.
Today's Monday.
What else, man?
George Michael, though, huh?
Did that get you?
Did that get you?
So long thinking now that we're friends.
I want your sex.
Just imagine, huh?
11-year-old boy.
This comes on the school bus.
I want your love.
I want your sex.
Ah, just a bunch of impoverished kids sitting there staring at each other.
Ah, man, I was sprung.
I was erect.
I will say that.
I remember looking out the window and just like, I couldn't see anything.
I was looking out the window, but I couldn't see anything.
That's how erect I was at that age, 11. And just hearing that.
Just them say, sex, I want your sex on the radio.
Even though it was a man saying it, you know, I was sprung.
I was sprung up.
So yeah, Friday I went to New Orleans.
I stayed over there.
I stayed with my buddy and his girlfriend.
They live together now.
They had some cats.
A couple of cats tried to get at me in the night.
You know, one cat I think is black.
One of them is mixed.
But they was kind of fucking with me in the dark, and that's a little bit challenging, you know, sleeping in unfamiliar territory, and you got two cats kind of fucking getting at you, you know.
Speaking of actually, which kind of brings things full circle right now, I remember getting sensual with this girl up in Philadelphia.
That's one of the older cities in America.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Staying at her place and being erect in my sleep.
I was actually being erect in my sleep.
And she had a cat just swatting at my erection.
And I remember waking up to that.
And that is startling, dude.
If you have not, you know, I'm an animal lover, I guess, but I'm not.
It depends on what animals.
I've had a storied history with animals, and we'll get into that as, you know, some of these episodes unfold.
But I mean, if you haven't had a cat batting at your erection, I mean, that is too much.
This is what that cat was thinking, I bet.
Coming after that meat, huh?
Going after that scratching post, huh?
So, yeah, cat batting on my erection.
I was a girl in Philadelphia.
But that was scary.
That was alarming.
Another time, I remember sharing a bed with this woman, and she had a dog.
The dog's name was Kobe.
And a huge, big brown dog.
It was a great Dane, and we shared a bed together.
And this was right after Kobe Bryant had gotten brought up on those rape charges.
And I remember thinking, ah, this is, you know, this could go anyway, you know, this could go anyway.
And she made the dog sleep in the middle of us.
That was baffling to me.
Like, but again, I respect it.
I didn't know.
I just met this lady, you know.
You know, and this is back when I was, you know, just kind of running around Tom Catten.
And, yeah, that was alarming, you know, and she let me sleep over by her place.
And I don't remember if we really got very sensual or anything, but I do remember sharing this bed with her and this great dame, Kobe.
I don't know if he's still out there.
And I wonder what he was thinking while we laid there in the dark, huh?
Maybe that's what he had on his mind, huh?
Maybe that dog was trying to get at me.
Ah, erect on that school bus, man.
Erect.
So then Saturday I woke up.
I went and visited.
I got a condo over there in New Orleans.
I know I'm property dropping here, but and it had flooding.
It had flooding in it from some the guy who lived upstairs was leaving his unit, decided he wanted to take the washing machine with him.
Couldn't figure out how to unhook it.
Ripped it out of the wall.
Just ripped it out of the wall.
Just aborted that thing right out of the wall.
Broke a pipe in the wall and flooded a bunch of units downstairs.
One of those is the place that I own.
So we've had to remodel it.
But my tenant decided to stick with me.
She didn't move out.
Blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, so I got to stop in and see that place, and it looks really nice.
And the guys who did the construction on it were the same dudes' parties that I went to on Friday night.
So a little full circle there.
You know, the first gay guy I ever met and his brother, who was my close friend, actually, growing up.
We were good buddies.
So anyway, what else, man?
Then Saturday.
Saturday was Christmas Eve.
I got up and did a yoga class.
Didn't want to do that.
Oh, miserable.
Miserable in there.
Actually saw this beautiful girl that I knew from growing up in my hometown.
She bought me a coffee.
She bought me a coffee and I drank it slowly, bruh.
I'll tell you that, dude.
I drank that coffee slow, baby boy.
Drip, drip.
You want to talk about that slow drip, man.
I let it just...
I let it just...
Went to the yoga class.
Then it was Saturday, man.
It was Saturday, and I got, I came back to Baton Rouge.
And I went up to Natchez, Mississippi.
I don't know if you have ever been up to Natchez, Mississippi.
But I mean, it is very, it is just almost, I don't want to say slave times up there, you know, but it is a deep south, you know.
Pretty just black and white city, you know, like most southern cities are just, you know, kind of black and white, or have been for a long time as far as the main two ethnicities.
So that's what you see there.
But this one, I mean, whereas in Natchez, you see, I mean, it's just like, I mean, the white people act like it's 100 years ago, and the black people act like it's 100 years.
Like, you'll have black people that talk to you like you're, like, I'm just, you know, walking in a Walmart, you know, doing some last-minute cheaper Christmas shopping.
And, you know, you'll meet a black guy who talks like he's an indentured servant.
Like, yes, sir, yes, sir.
I'm like, what is going on here?
You know, like, everybody's got to evolve in this town, you know.
Everybody's got to evolve here.
You know, so that was baffling, you know.
You got a guy pop out of the bush.
He's like, you got any news from the north?
I'm like, dude, you guys been free for 100 years.
Let's get out of here.
But that was fun, man.
I had a good time catching up with some family.
I used to work on a farm up there.
I used to be a farmer.
I remember I worked on a farm, soybean, cotton, corn, driving tractor, hauling seed, killing snakes, snakes.
Growing up, I had a buddy in my town.
He loved hunting snakes.
He was tough, too, one of the toughest kids in our town, but he had a lith.
He had a lith.
And he'd be like, I'm going to hunt me some snakes.
And he was saying snakes, but he couldn't say it.
But you couldn't look at him like he couldn't say it.
Because he would whoop your ass.
He would whoop your ass.
So you know how hard it is to hunt snakes and not be able to laugh?
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable, dude.
Those snakes.
We're going to get these snakes.
Ah, crazy times.
So spent some time up there in Mississippi.
Had a great time, actually, just catching up.
My buddy used to work on a farm up there whose farm I used to work on.
He died.
He died a while back, man.
Good guy.
A lot of people in my life died.
You know, they did.
People is, you know, I guess I'm just a good luck charm.
Music.
But, yeah, but actually, we'll switch.
Actually, we're going to switch songs right here.
A little more George.
Michael Dead at 53. Very sad, man.
This one hit me.
You know, you don't know who's going to hit you.
This one hit me, man.
Remember this song?
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, that keyboard.
That yacht rock.
They call this music.
Yacht rock.
Oh.
God, this song, it made me feel like I was on vacation.
This beat.
Hear that calypso in the back?
I think that's what it's called.
I'm making shit up.
They always had that button on the keyboard, Calypso.
There's all I want to hear.
Some sense of something.
In your eyes.
Oh, that song, man.
Father figure.
But that makes me think of my buddy whose farm I worked on.
The guy was like a father figure to me, man.
He was.
And he passed away.
He's got a family up there now in Natchez.
So anyway, I was spending time with them, and we shared a lot of great stories.
Dude, I'll tell you one story.
They had this guy, Ronnie.
Oh, no, Johnny.
He was the yard man, right?
This brother, big afro brother, you know, and he was the yard man.
He came and, you know, tended to the yard and took care of the yard.
This was, you know, 15, 20 years ago, 20 years ago, maybe more, 25. But Johnny would come, and he had the biggest afro.
Well, one weekend, Johnny was painting the fence around the swimming pool, you know.
And so we're out there because a lot of sparrows, in the springtime, a lot of sparrows, if you had long hair or big hair, or if you had a, you know, something flashy in your hair like a bow or like a spinnerbait, maybe that got caught up in your head trap, you know, because some of the girls in these rural areas would wear a little spinnerbait in their hair, you know, trying to catch a man.
That was kind of the idea.
But Big Johnny was out there, and he was very Rubin-esque, this guy.
I mean, he was always sweating, you know.
He could be in the freezer section at the Piggly Wiggly and still be just perspiring.
So Big Johnny get out there and he's painting this fence, you know.
And it was just, each fence was just a two by two boards all our way around this fence, and he was painting it, a picket fence around the swimming pool.
But he's come in the house and he said, hey, now, he said, they got these two tennis rackets here.
Badminton rackets, actually.
You know, badminton rackets?
All wand, no racket, you know?
Give me some fucking racket.
What am I supposed to do with the badminton flip eggs?
That thing a piece of shit.
Give me a racket.
You know?
That's the kind of guy I am.
I bring a tennis racket to a badminton match, dude.
You know?
So, anyway, we're out there.
Ronnie, the sparrows was attacking his hair.
They probably had 400 sparrows in the area attacking his hair because he had this big, beautiful afro.
You know, I mean, you know, and they think that's nesting material.
So they're flying down.
Me and one of the kids, we're fending them off.
So we're out there just, you know, this is our U.S. Open out here.
We're out here just beating sparrows, you know, trying to beat them out of a man's hair.
You know?
And I'm no Olympian, dude, but I've beaten some sparrows out of an afro.
That's for damn sure.
In 95-degree heat in Mississippi, you better be damn sure I have, man.
Because I'm not afraid to look for a father figure.
I'm just going to move in.
Moving on in.
Yeah.
To ride in.
Thank you.
So that was that.
That was that.
What else, man?
We moved on.
We moved on.
So that was back in Natchez.
We had a good time there Saturday night.
Did Christmas Eve there.
And that was beautiful, man.
We went to church on Saturday.
That was really nice.
But honestly, I got angry in church, man.
The band was too loud.
They got 19 musicians on the stage.
I'm in church.
I don't need this.
I need a woman up there singing.
That's what I want.
Give me some hallelujah.
Give me some Silent Night.
They had seven-inch four guitars, a dude in a drum set behind a big cage in like an aquarium.
What is going on here?
And it's a small church, but it wanted to be like a mega church.
I don't know.
I love the church.
The church was actually awesome.
It just, the music, but I let it get to me.
So then I'm, you know, I'm there.
I'm agitated.
I'm agitated.
That's my fault.
I let it get to me.
I'm agitated.
So then I'm the grumpy dude in church, you know, scoffing at people.
Start looking around.
I can't believe she wore that.
Just bad.
So things got weird there.
What else?
Oh, I spoke to one of the drunkest guys I've ever talked to this weekend, man.
That's always alarming when a guy's just so drunk.
He's telling you nine different stories at once.
He's treating you like a friend one second, then an enemy to the next.
Just too much, you know?
Drinking's for children.
That's what I say, man.
Drinking's for children.
What else, man?
Still good.
Had a good time, man.
You know, woke up on, uh, did Christmas Eve there in Mississippi, had a great time, woke up.
You know, still masturbation free.
I'm still on the, still on the no masturbation train.
No pornography.
You know?
No pornography for me, you know.
God, thank God no George Michael was playing on Christmas Eve.
I can't even stay on erect during that, you know.
So, yep, we did that.
Christmas Day.
Drove down.
Saw my nieces and nephews here in Baton Rouge.
They're beautiful.
They're funny.
You know, they're kids.
I mean, they're just, they're kids, man.
They're great.
Then I went to my hometown.
Decided to go to my old neighborhood, man.
Drove into my old neighborhood where I grew up.
McGee Street.
They're in Covington, Louisiana.
I mean, that place.
A lot of negative.
I got to, you know, that's where I caught the school bus, dude, when I used to listen to this man, the man.
I don't understand me.
I don't understand me.
Oh, this song got me, too.
Father figure.
I didn't have one growing up, man, so I needed one.
And so when that song came on, it really resonated in me.
You know, it kind of made my emotions erect.
You know, just fully erect here listening to George Michael.
Not now, but back then.
But yeah, nobody in my neighborhood had really had a father figure.
So I went back to visit the old neighborhood.
I parked in my old, my mother's old parking spot.
My mom drove a Ford Festiva.
Used to deliver newspapers and magazines out of that thing, bruh.
She liked a Ford Festiva.
That's a little bitty car.
It looked like a roller skate, you know?
Looked like somebody knocked up a roller skate.
My mother drove that.
She had to have a car that she could drive and beat us in at the same time, bruh.
We could have all four of us in that car, and she could hit from the driver's seat.
She could successfully whoop all of our asses.
And we deserved it, too, probably.
95% of the time, you know, she wouldn't have had to do it if we would have had a...
I parked.
I parked my car.
I had a lot of negative feelings from that neighborhood.
Had some good stuff, too.
We had a good time.
I mean, it was a, you know, it was an American neighborhood.
We played football and there was, you know, we played in the backyard.
We played in the street.
That's when you were kids.
When you played in the street, that was a real neighborhood.
We'd go down in the church parking lot and play.
You could hear other kids getting beaten if their windows were open in their houses.
You know, people got their ass whooped.
A couple of pediophiles in a neighborhood, you know, they'd stop by and give you their card.
You know, they got to let you know they had the law in Louisiana.
You got to let, if you're a pediophile, you got to stop by.
Introduce yourself.
Hey, I'm Mark.
I'm new in the area.
Not by choice.
A lot of them got signed up, I think, halfway houses and stuff.
They were in our neighborhoods and stuff like that.
You know, people in recovery, people trying to make themselves better.
I think that's a tough thing to beat, though, that rap.
But yeah, we used to play kickball with a couple of pediophiles in our neighborhood.
Just throw the ball, Larry.
You're not getting this ass, you know?
Because once you knew they were pediophiles, everybody was off the hook.
You know, it was when you didn't know they could trick you.
But yeah, it was a hectic neighborhood.
You know, family down the street, shirtless.
The whole family shirtless.
Zero shirts.
If you're thinking about a shirt right now, you're wrong.
A couple Elvis impersonators in the area, you know.
But anyway, I parked my car, I got out, and I just started walking down the block, man.
You know, I'm a nostalgia hunter.
I love nostalgia.
So I'm walking down the block, looking at the houses and the apartments and stuff where we used to live.
Walked up to my old apartment that I used to live in.
I almost knocked on the door.
I don't know what I was going to say, though.
At first, I was going to be like, I used to live here, but I didn't have a secondary sentence.
I didn't have a backup plan.
But then I got by the door and I saw they had some little rebel flags in the window.
I'm not that.
I'm not.
That's, you know, that's not my life.
So, and not that those people are bad people, you know.
When you're poor, you just, you know, everybody wants an emblem, you know.
When you're rich, you might wear Mercedes-Benz earrings or something like that.
You know, people relate to what they got, you know, what they have or whatever.
So I'm not judging those people, but I just felt like this isn't, you know, I don't want to get shot.
Shit, I got on a nice shirt, you know?
I got on a button-up.
I don't want to scare anybody around here.
You know, if I come across another young man who doesn't have a...
So, uh...
Then I was getting back in my car.
I was going to leave because somebody started yelling.
Two people were fighting about a parking spot.
There's a million parking spots.
People are fighting because you can park anywhere in this shithole.
And it was a shithole.
I'm not saying that negatively.
I mean, it was just...
That's what it was.
You know, it was...
It was pretty...
Impoverished neighborhood.
But then I walked up to some people there and I just said, hello.
Hey, what's up?
And we started chatting.
I didn't know them, but they lived in the area now.
We chatted for about 20 minutes, took a picture together.
So I kind of reconnected a little bit.
You know, it reminded me a little bit of the past, so it was good.
I love nostalgia, man.
Going to visit the past, I love that kind of stuff.
What else?
Reading in the news today, they're not talking about Russia anymore.
Thank God, Russia, really?
Fuck the news, bro.
They want to talk about fake news.
It's all fake news.
CNN, MSNB, all of it.
It's all bullshit.
It's all advertising.
Freedom of the press, I'm fine, but not this way.
These people are just scaring everybody every day.
Look at the front page every day.
Any combination of words, they can have to scare us.
I don't believe any of that bullshit.
It's sad.
I used to love CNN.
I used to love their website.
I would go there for news, but now it's just all hate.
It's all hatred, you know?
I just don't get it.
Russia.
Really, Russia's come.
What is Russia going to do?
Russia?
They're still using our old blenders from 40 years ago.
They're still eating straight cornmeal.
Straight.
Not mixed with water.
Come on, come on, really?
The kids are playing with stone dolls over there.
Dolls made out of stone.
Idiots.
I just don't.
I can't buy that.
Scaring people, man.
You know, and then they had giraffes made disappear.
That was an article today.
Animals are becoming extinct.
You know?
And then everything on there is against Trump, which is fine, you know, if they want to, but they wouldn't do that to, you know, other president.
Give the, you know, the guy's the fucking president.
Oh, well.
Quit crying.
You know, if Hillary was the president, you know, no matter who it is, quit crying.
Move on.
What are you going to do?
Live in the past?
Quit crying.
But giraffes may disappear and frogs too.
That's what it said.
Giraffes may be extinct.
Dot dot dot.
And frogs too.
Really?
Frogs?
Bro, I'm in South Louisiana right now.
Open the front door.
You can see nine frogs, bruh.
Nine frogs from the front door.
You want a frog?
You want a sample?
Dude, I'll get two of them to make love in the front yard, and I'll solve that problem right here.
Frogs ain't disappearing.
You're out of your fucking mind.
The news is out of their mind.
I don't believe any of it.
I believe people that I trust.
That's what I believe, people that I trust, and I believe my own instincts, and I believe what I see and feel with my own eyes and heart.
I'm not an idiot.
Yeah, there's stuff you can learn.
You know, you can expand your mind, but don't listen to these news.
They're selling the advertising.
The Johnson Johnson.
They're selling shaman commercials.
Anybody that's selling you something, they got a motive.
Freedom of the press.
I wish they'd shut these assholes up.
I'm just sick of it.
Because it's not news.
It's just fear.
They're inciting fear.
You know?
The world isn't as bad as it is, as they say it is.
You know?
I just, I don't know.
I try to stay off it.
But the problem is we're addicted.
We're addicted to the, you know, to absorbing all of this.
I don't know how to beat that.
I'm going to start working on it, I think.
I hope.
But yeah, George Michael gone, bro.
God, that father figure.
Mm, man.
I'm standing in me.
I'm standing in me.
Who's next, though?
Who do you think's next, dude?
Somebody said Steven Tyler this morning.
No way.
No way.
Steven, that guy will live forever, huh?
Steven Tyler?
I can't sing.
I'm in.
Fuck him, whatever.
Natalie Merchant, huh?
I don't even know who that is.
Little Wayne.
He's been having seizures.
Little Wayne's been having seizures, guys.
He's got a dull asthma.
He could be out.
Who's next, huh?
One of the Marley brothers?
Ziggy?
Snappy?
Huh?
Smokey?
You gotta think, dude, that much weed, that much relaxation, you could easily catch something that could kill you.
George Michael died.
I think he said it was heart failure.
You know, it makes you wonder drugs could have been, could have been.
All right, and we're back.
The thing got...
I think it's a sign that maybe it's time to shut it down.
But yeah, they said frogs and giraffes extinct.
Giraffe?
Fucking giraffes, bruh.
Talk about an animal that slid by solely on its looks.
Name one thing a giraffe has ever done.
There's never even been a show where they did...
Every animal usually has a TV show where they had Lassie, they had the one with the dolphins, where they help out, where they save the day.
Giraffes never had that fucking...
Giraffe ain't saving the fucking day.
They're not...
Giraffe...
More than giraffes.
I'm trying to think of somebody to compare them to.
You know?
Somebody that, you know, has like an awkward or unique look, and that's what gets them through.
That's it.
You know?
I can't think of anybody at the moment.
What else?
I'm doing the New Year's Eve.
I'm doing Amy Schumer's show in New Orleans.
Here in my home city.
I was going to go back home to Los Angeles, but I'm staying here in Louisiana.
I'm going to do that as far as I know.
And what else?
Fucking giraffes, though.
Really?
Look at them.
Look at them.
With the spots and the neck that never ran.
I mean, what do you try to put them in a headlock?
It could take you 45 minutes, bro.
Think about that.
You got to use your whole body to put them in a headlock.
Because you got to get them around the neck.
You know?
Hmm.
Giraffes.
Doing those long legs.
Ah, I don't like them.
I guess I don't like them.
I didn't know I didn't like them really till just now when I'm really bringing it up.
Who's going to die, though?
Who's the next celebrity to go?
I know it's dark, but who's the next one to go, huh?
Who's the next one to go?
I think, honestly, I hate to say it.
It's going to be the golden girl.
It's going to be Betty White.
I think Betty White's next.
I just, I felt it last year.
I'd have put money on it.
I would have put money on it.
But, uh, but I didn't, you know?
I didn't.
Maybe Russia will kill her, huh?
I wonder if that's going to be a news story.
Russia tries to kill Betty White.
Fucking news.
Eat a can of snake dicks.
Anyway, that's about it, man.
I'm going to shut it down.
That's what I did this past weekend.
But I want to, you know, Merry Christmas to everybody.
You know, I hope you guys had a good one.
If you didn't, it's probably your fault.
You know?
That's what I'm starting to learn.
If I'm not having a good time, it's probably my fault.
I got to either get myself into a different environment or I got to change my perspective a little bit.
Because in the end, we're kind of responsible for how we feel.
Or how we let ourselves feel.
I think that's maybe a better way to say it.
But anyway, man, happy holidays, everybody.
The next one will be in the new year.
You notice it comes out in a Monday morning.
I feel you in what happened this past weekend.
I got upcoming shows, Virginia Beach, and then in Chicago.
You can find them on TheoVon.com.
I also have my shirts on there, the brush shirts.
We got the new album coming.
If you want to do some art, hit me up about that.
And just keep trying, huh?
Just keep trying.
That's all you can do.
Don't give up, huh?
I don't know why I'm talking like a...
Eh?
I don't fucking know, dude.
But I'm going to go play with my nieces and nephews.
I'm just happy to be here.
You guys have a good one, man.
And R.I.P.
George Michael, God.
And I'm not even going to play the music again.
I'm just going to sing a little bar for you right here.
I don't need no Bible.
Just look in my eye.
Way too slow, baby.
Now, I can't take much more.
Now, do you see a smile?
I want your scats to.
He was kind of the white Michael Jackson.
A little bit.
He was a little bit like the white Michael Jackson.
And he was, I will be your father, figure, put your time else.
I will be your preacher, creature, anything you had in time.
I'll see you guys next Monday, man.
Hope you had a wonderful weekend.
I don't know if I did, but you know what it was.
Be good.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
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Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jermaine.
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Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Ho, ho, ho!
No!
*BEEP*
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Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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