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Dec. 19, 2016 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
33:39
12-19-16 | This Past Weekend #1

Theo's first episode. Talks about his past weekend; dating the sick, needing a wife, gateway gays, and how to do Karaoke right.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
Oh yeah.
You hear that?
You hear it?
Ah, it's that time, huh?
How you doing, guys?
You beautiful Muppets?
Huh?
You crispy wiggers.
How are you?
How are you?
I love that song.
You like that one, huh?
You got a Christmas carol?
Do you like one?
Sentimental feeling.
When you hear voices ring, speak holly.
Ah!
That's mine.
That's mine, huh?
Good morning.
It is December, Monday the 19. It is almost Christmas time, guys.
And this is, this past weekend is the first one I ever done.
The first one.
I'm seeing how it goes.
I'm literally sitting in my closet right now in my apartment in Los Angeles.
I hung some blankets up on the walls.
I don't even know if that's how you make a sound area for recording.
I have a luggage bag laying on its side, like it was a casualty of war.
And then I have this microphone sitting on top of it.
I'm sitting in here.
And this is this past weekend.
It's December Monday 19. And I'm getting in the Christmas spirit.
Christmas tree, have a happy holiday.
You hear it?
New old-fashioned way.
That's mine, guys.
Everybody has a Christmas carol.
Some people don't, actually.
I was texting with this girl, this young lady, the other day.
She said she doesn't like Christmas carols.
It hit me a little.
You know, it hit me.
I mean, how do you not?
Well, she said she liked them like fancy.
They got to be played by the instruments only.
You know?
So, but I guess, I mean, it's, hey, to each their own as long as you're not afraid of hearing this just instrumental.
There's an instrument.
There's an instrument for you.
Ooh.
That's nasty on that, what is that, a saxophone?
Yeah, man.
Happy holidays, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Kwanzaa.
Happy nothing.
If you believe in nothing or if you, you know, you don't like joy.
I like the holidays, man.
I like Christmas.
I'm excited.
I'm going back to New Orleans this weekend or to Baton Rouge.
Actually, my family all lives there.
I got five, count them five nieces and nephews.
They've been, my brother been spraying out.
And my sister's been, not from each other, but my sister got two children with her husband.
I got five glorious little nieces and nephews, and they are just little nihilists, but they're beautiful.
We're going to do it all, man.
We do it all.
When Uncle Theo's in town, we do maybe a little bit of crafts, you know.
Maybe we do some, you know, make some baked goods.
We'll do the sleepover, the ghost stories.
Ooh, Christmas ghost stories, bruh.
What?
Great idea.
Great idea.
Somebody ring the great idea bell.
Christmas ghost stories.
Man, I'm smart, dude.
You get to hear a little bit more of that just for this.
Oh, you know what I'm saying.
But this is this past weekend, man.
That's this coming weekend.
I'm going to go see the family leaving on Wednesday.
This past weekend, I had sets at the comedy store here in Los Angeles.
It was Ron White's birthday on Saturday night.
Yeah.
It was Saturday night.
I was in the green room.
And Ron White was talking about how.
And if you don't know Ron White, he's one of those guys from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
And he's just a funny comedian.
And he's been spending a lot of time at the comedy store.
So, you know, you get to interact with him.
I'm not great buddies with him.
You know, I might like to be, but we don't, you know, I just see him from time to time.
We'll chat a little bit about this and that.
I don't know if he could pick me out of a Theo lineup.
But anyway, he was talking about his birthday.
He's like, yeah, 55 minutes till I'm 60. And he had a cigar and just excited.
Dude was excited about his career.
That's what we were talking about.
You know, is it hard to get excited about your career when you've had so many highlights like him?
And he said he's more excited now doing new material than he has been in the past.
That was cool to hear.
That was cool to hear, man.
So yeah, it's Monday.
I'm up.
This is going to be the New Deal on Mondays.
I'm going to put this up talking about this past weekend.
Letting some of you guys know some future dates.
I'm coming to Virginia Beach on the 26th through 29th of January.
And I'll be at the Chicago Improv.
It sounds like it's in Chicago.
It's in Schaumburg.
Schaumburg, Illinois.
It's about probably about 15 minutes, 20 minutes outside of the city, February 2nd through 4th.
And you can check out all my tour dates, theovon.com/slash tour.
But this past weekend, I did the comedy store.
I didn't have any dates, man.
I didn't have any dates this weekend.
You know, I'm looking for, you know, I'm looking for love.
They say don't look, but you know what?
I'm looking.
You know, I might hang up a little mistletoe because it's that time of year.
Ah.
I love that one, man.
I love that.
Look, man, I'm the kind of guy, this is true about me.
For karaoke, some people are good.
Oh, that's the way to get a woman laid or a man laid if you into laying men's.
You take somebody to karaoke and you just slay them.
Get up there and just drop some sweet throat on them.
And I see guys do that.
You know, on a date, then they hit up, get up there, hit some Aerosmith or some young jock, you know, and really set the ladies, get the ladies', you know, crotches to feeling all squirrely.
But not me, man.
If I do karaoke, the only song I'll do is rocking around the Christmas tree, bro.
It could be year-round, year-round, I do rocking around a Christmas tree.
That's right.
Because, because, because of the wonderful things he does.
No, because nobody's going to get pissed at you.
You know, I think I'm worried about what other people think when it comes to that.
So I get up there and I'm petrified of karaoke, man.
I could do stand-up jokes all night, but karaoke, ah, somebody help me.
I get scared up there.
So I do rocking around the Christmas tree because nobody's going to get mad at a guy doing a Christmas carol.
You know?
And it's a short one.
It's two minutes long.
And you don't have to be able to sing.
And, you know, there's still a little bit of joy in the air when you're done.
At first, you might be like, who the fuck is this, yo-yo?
But by the end, you're like, ah, it's over.
You know, kind of neat.
He didn't do a bad job.
That's what I'm saying.
Christmas carols.
If you can't sing, you can Christmas carol your way out of karaoke.
Don't forget it, huh?
Won't you tell them, Brenda Lee?
Get a sentimental feeling when you hear voices sing.
Let's begin.
Deck the hose with bells of Holly.
Yeah, it was a good weekend.
I had three nights at the comedy store.
So who else did I see up there?
I saw Bobby Lee, that beautiful little Viette.
And I know I'm name-dropping here a little bit, but just telling you who was there.
I love Bobby Lee.
If you haven't seen this beautiful little Korean fucking Ewok, I mean, God.
I mean, the dude has a penis like a sixth finger.
You know, if you keep going down your fingers, they get smaller and smaller.
Bobby's got that secret six in his pants.
He's a beautiful guy.
Always makes me laugh, makes everybody laugh.
He was up at the store.
Sebastian Manascalca was there.
I mean, the best.
If you haven't seen that guy, you and your wife, if you like men's, get in bed, put on some Sebastian, you'll love it.
What else, man?
This past weekend, I did a little bit of Christmas shopping online.
A little bit, man.
Got some last few things.
If you're in my family or circle of friends, I'm going to, this is a spoiler.
So I'm going to cover your ear holes.
You're getting either socks or underwear.
That's it.
This isn't an ad, but I use meundies.
That's what I buy.
Only thing I wear right now, meundies.com.
And you can go to meundies.com slash Theo.
Let's make it an ad, and get 20% off your first order.
And they are good.
I'm not even joking.
The 30-pound bag of hamster bones, the new album that's coming out in January.
I'm excited.
We just locked it down.
It'll be on vinyl as well.
We're shooting a video for that tonight.
It's just like a spoof video from Panda.
You know that song?
Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda.
But we're doing that for the hamster.
Hamster.
Hamster.
Hamster, Hamster.
So stoked for that this evening.
We're getting out there.
Got my partner in crime, Ken, is coming over today, and we're going to be working on that.
What else, man?
I'm tired of comics, man.
I'm tired of comic getting political.
I see all this political jargon and blasting the president-elect.
Shut the fuck up, man.
Tell some jokes, you know?
Since when do comic, I mean, I know that comics, you know, we have a voice and you can share it, but I mean, just the constant.
Every day I see these people just tweeting about Trump or blasting Trump.
I mean, it's just, come on, you know?
Move on.
It's hack.
I feel like it's hack, you know?
I mean, the dude's the president.
I mean, I live here in California where people are just crying.
They had safe rooms for people who couldn't deal with the election.
People saying their kids can't sleep at night because of the election.
Your four-year-old can't sleep because of the election?
That's your fault.
Don't you blame that on society?
You know?
You telling me your four-year-old's a he's a lobbyist, he's active in local unions or something.
Get out of here with the bullshit.
So, you know, you move forward, man.
I'm excited.
The guy, look, I'll be honest, I'm excited that there's a that feminism was getting out of control.
Jesus, especially out here in LA, you couldn't sneeze.
If you were a dude, you sneeze near a woman, that's air rape.
Oh, you're air raping me.
What do you mean?
I got hay fever.
So, I'm excited.
You know, I'm just, we're moving on, man.
You know, there's a lot of people that are, you know, they called people deplorables during the election.
Who's deplorable?
Humans?
Come on.
You're going to call your own country people that?
You know?
I'm deplorable.
I grew up deplorable.
By definition.
Poor.
You know?
Nothing.
Eating cereal out of each other's mouths like baby birds with bad sugar intake.
I remember my mother won a perm on the radio once.
And that was the greatest day of my life, I remember.
Man, she won that perm and she just came home beautiful.
Beautiful.
You know, I remember, it looked like somebody deep fried my mother's head for about nine seconds.
Yeah, you get this for that.
Christmas tree, have a happy holiday.
Oh, we were dancing around that perm.
I mean, look like the Lord had just licked my mother's head with his own tongue.
Beautiful.
Ah, yeah.
So anyway, moving on, moving on.
Not going to stick into things there.
Well, yeah, look, it's a president.
Boom.
Let's go.
So what?
So, you know, so a lot of America's struggling and suffering, and they want somebody who they think represents them, or they wanted a change, you know?
It's the world, bruh, you know.
200 years ago, they had, you know, people was getting beaten in the streets with hatchets, bruh.
We're moving on.
So get your dick out, you know.
Get your dick out, or get your breaths out, and let's move forward, bruh.
Don't be a Muppet, you know?
Bunch of squirrely Muppets out here.
Adult asthma?
Jesus Christ, if I meet one more...
You should have beat that, buddy.
That's for children.
That's for children.
You still riding around with children's diseases in your lungs?
Somebody needs to pat you on the back really hard.
Adult asthma.
Maybe God don't want you breathing anymore if you can't handle it.
You thought about that?
Ah, frustrating, dude.
Oh, it can be frustrating.
What else?
I haven't been on a date.
Haven't been on a date in a while.
Somebody was trying to set me up with their friend about two weeks ago, but their girl got sick.
She came down with a flu or something.
So, you know, I don't date the sick, you know.
I'm no Mother Teresa, I guess.
Everyone dancing merrily In the new old fashioned world you That's a good one, huh?
What's your favorite Christmas carol?
Drop it in here at the bottom.
If this is on Facebook or Twitter, let me know.
And I'll roast some of them next week before when I put up the new episode, I'll roast a couple of your favorite Christmas carols.
If you have one, throw it down.
If you have any questions you want me to answer, put it at the bottom.
Drop it into the bottom or wherever this is, Twitter, Facebook, SoundCloud, whatever.
And these will be up on Monday morning, man, this past weekend.
You'll be able to, you know, get a scoop.
But no dates, man.
No dates.
No masturbation.
I'm laying off the masturbation.
You know, I got my reasons for it.
I know it's kind of a personal thing to say, but hey, that's, you know, that's what's, I'm off it.
I'm six days sober off the old jerky jerky, you know.
And I wasn't, I don't know if I was having a problem with it, but I was doing it, you know.
I've been doing it since I was a child.
You know, I'm ready to give it up.
You know?
I mean, I had some crazy issues when I was a kid.
I remember I was at the library one time down there in Covington, Louisiana.
And this boy, I'm outside of the library, and this boy slammed me up against a tree, this big fella.
And he pushed, he took a picture out of his pocket, and he put it right in front of my face.
It was pornography.
And he's like, you know what that is, boy?
And I didn't know what it was.
I never seen the pornography, you know.
He's like, you know what that is, boy?
That's cooter.
That's cooter, boy.
That's cooter.
And I was like, that's cooter.
What is going on, man?
And then he slapped me, too.
So that was alarming.
I mean, that didn't have anything to do with the masturbation, but then I found some pornography in my brother's closet.
Me and my buddy, we was burying a dead animal once, and we found somebody had buried a stack of nudie magazines in the dirt.
I'll talk about that, actually.
Some of that story's on the album.
That's coming out in January.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, that's what's going on, dude.
I feel good about that, you know, and it's no big, I'm just saying, hey, man, I'm going to test out some willpower here, you know.
Now, if I'm doing something fancy, maybe I'm in Florida, you know, or, you know, if I'm in like an exotic land, maybe I'll get into it, you know.
But for the time being, I'm just trying taking some breaks from things here and there, you know.
Haven't been drinking five months now.
Staying off the sauce here.
That's good.
We had a couple of questions that came in from some people here.
Theo, have you ever hooked up with any of the Vanderpump Rules cast members?
No, I haven't.
I have not.
I'm friends with some of them.
Um, light friends.
Uh, Kristen is a friend of mine.
Stasi Schroeder, she's coming on the podcast this Tuesday.
I mean, I might have to, you might have to go back to masturbation at that point.
I mean, that girl, she's beautiful.
She's from New Orleans as well, allegedly.
I'm not sure, but she'll be on allegedly on the allegedly podcast that comes out on Tuesdays with my buddy Matthew Cole Weiss.
Another question, would you still let Andy Cohen bang you?
That was from the allegedly, he came on the allegedly podcast last week.
You know, no is the first question.
I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm doing ladies.
You know, I'm still in the women at this point in my life, and that's where I plan to be, unless God has another plan for me, and he wants me to date men's down the road.
But right now, dating women's, you know, I want to have a wife.
I want to have a family.
I want to be a grandfather.
That's what I want, dude.
I want to be just a creepy grandfather who wears masks to Thanksgiving and wears eyeshadow.
How about that, huh?
How about that?
The grandpa wearing eyeshadow.
That's beautiful, dude.
That's beautiful.
Riding a double bike around a neighborhood with two seats, but never has anybody on the back.
Wearing a t-shirt that says, I love ghosts.
Yeah, that's who I want to be, a real grandfather.
A real grandfather.
What was the question?
Oh, so, but I mean, you got to think, you know, if you're going to, if you got to go with a man, who's going to be that gateway man, you know, that gets you over to the other side, or that gateway woman that gets you over to the other side?
I mean, would there be any better man than Andy Cohen?
He said he's down.
He said he's down.
Would there be, I mean, who's, you know, who's your gateway gay?
Who is it?
If you got a gateway gay, let me know who it is, man.
Drop them in, you know, post it, send me it.
Who's your gateway gay, man?
Who's a good one?
Because Andy Cohen, the dude's cool.
You know?
I mean, you probably have more chicks that would want to date you after you dated Andy Cohen, right?
But who's your gateway gay?
I'm trying to think.
Kirk Cameron, maybe?
You know, who else?
Corey Feldman?
You know?
Who else?
Who else, man?
Who's your gateway gay?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
But Andy Cohen, I mean, Andy, I don't think you're going to find a better one than Andy Cohen.
That's it.
So, I got no plans to make love to that gentleman or to be, you know, involved in anything sensual, but, you know, we'll see what God has planned for me.
And if I had to cross over, you know, who's the river to get there?
Who else?
Who else could I even think of?
Nick Cannon, maybe?
He's handsome.
Nick Cannon?
Brad Pitt?
Come on.
Come on.
Dude, I would just hide in that man's mouth if he wanted me to.
I would just, dude, I would fold my whole body up into a little piece of gum and get into that man's mouth.
But that's that, dude.
That's the answer to your question, I think.
But yeah, no dates with all that said.
No dates.
Looking to meet a gal.
You know.
I mean, I'm hope, you know, you're hopeful.
You know, I want a wife.
I want a family.
You can't force it, though.
Dating out here in L.A.?
Oh, get out of here.
It's tough.
It's tough, man.
I almost want to go to a foreign country, get a woman from another country.
You know, one of the old-fashioned American women.
A lot of them are down in other countries.
You know.
I just need a hard-working woman.
Life's hard work.
What else?
I'm thinking about buying some curtains.
That's why I need a wife.
One of the reasons right there.
I don't like picking out curtains.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know what I'm doing.
So picking out curtains, you know, I'm on a restoration hardware and trying to figure it out.
And you got to have the thing that runs along the top that they hang from.
I don't know what that thing's called.
The pipe.
I watched the Saints this weekend.
Actually got invited to the game.
Should have gone.
Huge regret.
Didn't go.
What a loser.
Had a chance to be in the box, brother.
In the box.
With my buddy Jerry Quay Campbell.
He's a comedian.
Funny young guy.
His brother plays for the Arizona Cardinals.
The Saints were playing them.
But I'm sick of the Saints, man.
I've been sick of them for four years.
You know?
Giving the money away to Sean Payton.
No.
Sean Payton, first of all, Sean Payton's...
You notice that?
His mouth looks like a sphincter.
A B-hole on his F, on his face.
You got the booty hole mouth, Sean.
I mean, you know, it's stylish, I guess.
It's a new thing.
But I just don't, I don't get what's going on over there.
It's just Peyton, you know, and Tom Benson's, you know, he's babysitting birds in his head.
That guy, you know, he's mentally incapacitated and they're.
I just can't cheer this team, man.
I love the Saints, dude.
I love the Saints, but I just can't, I just, I don't think it's fair.
The product that they're, with the choices they've made and these guys still being around, Loomis, Peyton, just poor decision makers at the top office level.
Look at all these players we got taking all this money, doing nothing.
Breez says the same thing after every game.
Oh, we, you know.
Bree says the same thing after, oh, you know, we did, oh, we didn't do it.
We did do it.
We get them next time.
Come on.
Doesn't that guy say anything?
Just money robots, man.
Everybody's a money robot.
You know?
Everybody's a money robot.
What else?
This week I'm going back to New Orleans.
We got the family stuff.
You know.
We'll be by my brother's house.
We'll probably do church.
We'll probably do Christmas for the kids.
I'm going to go up to Mississippi and spend some time with some family that I got up there.
I'm going to see some friends.
What else, man?
Nobody invited me to a Christmas party this year.
No Christmas parties, man.
Maybe some like...
Maybe I was supposed to show up at one.
But no real Christmas parties.
So this past weekend, it was just work.
Oh, I saw a dude dressed up like a tree on Sunset Boulevard.
This is awesome.
I saw a dude.
He was dressed up like a Christmas tree and he would squat totally wrapped in a, like he was in the middle, a little guy, and he would squat down and just be there.
He had lights on him.
And a couple of cops, a couple of cops approached this guy, tell him he's causing trouble.
I'm like, what?
I mean, he would just, he would walk along the sidewalk on Sunset Boulevard.
Then he would squat down.
He would squat down, you know, and just sit and wait till some people walk by.
And he would just say nice stuff, you know?
Good tidings to you.
You know, you'd hear it.
What?
It's enjoyable.
It was enjoyable.
What else?
What else, man, this past weekend?
Not too much, man.
Yesterday I really took it easy.
Saturday, I did some work most of the day.
And that's it, man.
That's really it, you know.
I want to wish everybody a Merry Christmas, a happy holidays.
I'll get better at this.
This is the first time I've done it.
You know?
Think about the first time you did something.
First time you rode a bike.
You're probably fucking horrible at it.
You know?
First time you made a souffle, whatever that is.
First time you made a souffle, you probably was horrible at it.
You little anarchist.
You wasn't a good souffle maker.
So I'm getting better at this.
I'm getting better at this.
But the breakdown, I'll give it to you right here.
Was at the comedy store most of this past weekend.
Didn't really get invited to any Christmas parties.
Maybe one or two.
Maybe I forgot to respond to some evites.
Okay, I'll take some responsibility.
Been laying off the booze.
No dates.
We're supposed to go on a date with a girl.
About a week and a half ago, she got sick.
Great, great.
That's the kind of women I'm dating.
I'm dating the sick.
Send me your tired.
You're poor.
You're sick.
We got the Hamster Bones album coming out in January.
I'll be in Virginia Beach, January 26th through 29th.
Chicago Improv, February 2nd through 4th.
I never slept with any Vanderpump Rules cast members, but we got one of them coming on a podcast on Tuesday on the allegedly podcast.
Last week, I had the worst show of my life in Florida.
Saturday night, second show.
It's usually one of the best.
Half the crowd walked out.
There was some drunks fighting in the beginning.
There was a woman dressed like a tall kind of pit bull with bedazzled sequences, hats, and sunglasses inside.
Anybody who wears sunglasses inside, I hope you get electrocuted, bro.
I really do.
I hope you get electrocuted, dude.
I hope you don't.
I hope you actually do not get any of this.
Let me start it over.
That's for you.
That's for you.
Actually, that's not for you.
I hope you get electrocuted.
Trying to get some new curtains.
I'm sick of the Saints, man.
I love them.
They're my team.
But come on.
This defense has been horrible for 10 years.
Five defensive coordinators we've gone through now.
Five.
Five defensive coordinators.
Huh?
Dude, if I got five dogs at the house and they ain't doing nothing, each one of them, and they're all from different families, different DNA, it's my fault.
You know?
I just want to see people take some responsibility, man.
That's what it's about, guys.
Take responsibility.
Move forward.
Something's bugging you?
You got a hitch and you giddy up?
Huh?
You dating the sick?
Move forward, dude.
So, that's it, man.
I'll see you guys next time.
Next Monday, I'll post up.
It'll be after Christmas, so I'll talk about that.
We'll talk about New Year's.
If you got some resolutions, if you got any questions, post them below.
I'll get to them.
Thank you for the two people that sent in questions.
I forgot to write down their names, but I'll thank them next week.
Be good to yourselves, huh?
Because nobody else is going to.
Not like you want them to.
God bless you guys, man.
Happy holidays.
Rocking around a Christmas tree, happy Christmas party, huh?
Woo-hoo.
Where you can see every cup who tries to stop.
Rocking around a Christmas tree, happy Christmas belly ridden.
Later, we'll have some fucking pie and we'll do some caroling.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
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