Harrison Fishman and Dylan Redford dissect chaotic neighbor dynamics, ranging from a Colorado rancher harassed by fake cow sightings to Portland witches in polyamorous relationships with an ex-oil tycoon landlord. They analyze bizarre roommate behaviors like storing urine, hoarding water bottles, and building Hot Wheels ramps down staircases, while debating the ethics of excessive pet ownership and digital harassment. Ultimately, the episode suggests that modern housing conflicts often reveal deeper psychological fractures, forcing listeners to choose between enduring absurdity or fleeing for their sanity. [Automatically generated summary]
And I ask you if you want to be in the YouTube channel.
What do you like scrawny guys?
I know you're telling dump on us like that.
And you know what hurts about that clip?
What?
Is it's 15 seconds out of my whole life of 36 years and just on the fucking internet forever.
I'm just talking to these girls at the beach.
Well, in order to pave over that legacy and perhaps make a new one, let me introduce myself.
My name is Bryce Belden.
I'm joined here in the boudoir by producer Young Chomsky.
And we are Truan On podcast.
It doesn't feel right, though.
Why?
Because it feels like there should be sort of an impish presence.
You know how like there's a lot of yin feeling in this room right now?
Which one's Yin?
I think that's the man one.
Okay.
Fair.
Sure.
We're missing some Yang.
Yeah.
We're missing some Yang.
And so we're going to do five minutes of silence out of respect for that.
We need her back.
We need her back.
And you know, you always think about like, oh, who are the people who oppose maternity leave laws?
Like, you know how Europe they get like a year or whatever?
Right.
Like, why are these people in America like, oh, we need to make it like two weeks or whatever?
Now you understand.
I completely get it.
And one thing I don't understand in the first place is, why even have it, you know?
Right.
Why even have it?
Yeah.
Well, they say it takes a village.
Let the village do it.
Yeah.
I think that's what it is.
Let the village do it, is what I say.
But, you know, it's just, and it's interesting that like some of us have like abandonment issues and then that happens to them later in life and it makes them go crazy.
Yeah.
And yet if I do something bad, Liz doesn't get in trouble even though she made me do it by leaving me.
Well, as your attorney, I think I could put forth that.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Like that's this guy's feelings were hurt.
Right.
That's why he lashed out, you know?
Yeah, that makes sense.
We have a call-in episode.
I feel like this is a good one.
Yeah, if you like call-in episodes, and I do.
And I do.
And I think that you do, listener.
You know, I think, I don't know how you're feeling about this, but I really am liking the hate line.
Yeah, well, people get animated, and we like that.
Yeah.
I'm thinking that we might need to bifurcate the line.
And we might need to have the tip line, and then we might need to have a separate one.
That's the hate line.
Yeah.
And we'll record different messages.
Yeah.
Like different voice points.
We'll get a really angry guy to do the hate line one.
What's your fucking problem?
Just a different, a random guy.
Just some guy.
What's on the tip line?
It's Liz, right?
I think it's Liz.
And we need to erase every memory of Liz.
So the tip line is the feminine one and then the angry masculine hate line.
Yeah.
No, no, the hate line is many women.
There's not so many women that are in this, I will say.
We usually have, I feel like a 50-50.
I feel like there's less than 50-50 of women in this.
Well, you know, sometimes it's hard to tell.
Am I allowed to say that?
I don't know.
Here's the thing is, whenever you're calling in, I don't, I no longer see, I no longer see gender.
I no longer see whatever, unless you're a gay guy, because they often identify themselves as such.
Well, I think you should say your pronouns at the beginning of every call.
We don't need to be doing that.
The calls are already, frankly, often too long enough.
But you know what I did for this one?
I said, write out what you're going to say first.
And the reality is, ladies and gentlemen, is we did not get to, we got literally hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of calls, probably like 300 calls.
Wow.
Not to mention emails.
I did not think we would get that many.
And so I did listen to every single call.
I want to say this.
Some of you are in the wrong.
Frankly.
It is your fault.
But many of you, I sympathize with your position.
We did not get to include everybody's, even people who did a really good job.
We didn't even get to include all the ones that I cherry-picked as I think the best.
We think we got to half of them.
It does seem like people maybe took that advice and wrote them out.
Yeah.
I think that's just what I'm going to say.
I want to pay a compliment to our audience.
I think you guys all did a really good job.
You know?
Yeah.
Although they did people, maybe these are some of the people who are wrong that will introduce these details that seemed relevant and then had no expansion.
That's my fault for not including that in the bullet point of things to do.
What would be the I would say no extraneous details.
Frankly, I don't even need an individual hi to all of us.
Right.
Maybe we'll give them a special greeting to say.
Okay, just to make it uniform.
Yeah.
Hallelujah.
And then just go into it.
But my idea is I think some of the details were relevant, but they just kind of said them as an aside.
And it's like, no, that's actually important.
Then you didn't expand on it.
Maybe I'll that's the newsletter this week.
I'll put it about like how to leave a really good tip with coherent with the details, only the details that you need to put in.
Leaving tips for dummies.
Yeah, exactly.
Not that I've ever left a tip, you know, on anything.
A meal.
I don't know the last time I left a voice message.
I'm not a voice message.
People, you know, I would imagine you don't like voice notes even more than you don't like texts.
Is that correct?
That is so correct that it's almost, it's almost, I'm having trouble even commenting on it.
If you send me a fucking voice note and you're my friend and some of my friends do listen to this, or maybe someone will clip this and send it to you.
If you send me a fucking voice note, you are my enemy for fucking life.
You gotta mean that.
Do men send you?
Because I feel like women love voice notes.
I don't take accept texts from women, but men do occasionally send me voice notes.
Women love to tell you a story.
And this is, I was, well, I don't want to.
Women love to tell a story.
Yeah.
And they love, talk about extraneous details.
Sometimes they'll tell you many details and you're like, all right, The thing with the voice notes, if they added a fast forward feature or like a forward 15 seconds feature to that, I would accept that feature.
I'm going to transcribe is nice.
Yeah.
But I don't even take, if I notice there's a voice note, I'm sorry, the whole conversation is deleted.
Well, because it's the same.
It's write it out before you call the tip line.
And that's a text message.
How about this?
Never tell me.
I don't know how to stress this enough.
And I go into a diatribe about this in the show.
Just if you don't have to text me, text me.
That's amazing.
Thank you so much.
Don't expect a response.
But if you don't have to text me or even tell me something, know this.
You are killing me.
You are making me sad.
But now I feel like Shelby doesn't text me anymore because I said this too much.
To me, a text message is like a telegram.
It's for like communicating.
It's like, I'm here.
I'm outside.
Open the door.
Yeah.
You know, I feel like that's how I text you.
Yeah, you don't, you don't text me some bullshit.
I don't text you about my textbook.
You text me like a man.
I'm like, what time are we recording?
Yeah, but sometimes people, if you ever hear the next day, hey, what time are we recording?
Think on your fucking life listeners that you can text me, hey, or what's up, and you think that our relationship will survive this event?
You are dead fucking wrong.
You do something like that.
You'll text and you'll be like, Wait, and that's a text, and then I'm waiting.
Like, just send the whole thing.
Liz does that shit.
Does she?
No, but sometimes she goes, Oh my god.
Yes.
This is also what girls do.
But you'll just be like, damn, or like, fuck, or like, wait.
Yeah, but I'm sending a follow-up text.
I know, but you could just put that all in the one.
So I don't have, or you'll just say my name as a text, and then I think I've done something wrong.
Do as I say, not as I do.
Do as I say, not as I do.
That is the rule.
Do as I say, not as I do.
I break all of my own rules frequently.
Yeah.
I've said I'll never text one.
We do send voice messages.
We do not.
I've never sent a voice.
If I got your voice sent to my phone, I would think something was very bad has happened.
Yeah.
It's like in Terminator 2, how he knows his parents have been killed.
Yeah, because they leave him voicemail.
No, because Terminator calls him and he's like, oh, Woofies, what's the name of your dog?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's got the fucking spike through his head in the Milk Carton classic.
I remember that.
Yeah.
So we have today with us Harrison Fishman and Dylan Redford of the new show Neighbors.
Because I don't think I really introduce them so much in this.
I don't know.
Maybe I do.
But I like the show.
The show's on every Friday for one more Friday.
I think there's six episodes total.
It's a good show.
And I'm not, and you know this, ladies and gentlemen, even though it's Oscar's weekend and I'm going.
I'm going to the Oscars.
Who are you rooting for?
I got to tell you.
Well, man, I don't want to say because I don't want to ruin these guys.
There are some movies that are getting a lot more applause than I think they maybe should be.
Which one?
I'm not going to say which one.
Okay.
But I, because I haven't seen any movie.
But I say that I love, I don't, there's something in me that makes me really not want to see Train Dreams.
Yeah.
I don't think that I don't, we need that was a book.
Yeah.
We don't need to make that a movie.
And the other thing about Train Dreams is a book, it's about four pages long.
It's a, it's the back of a cereal box.
I don't want to run about train dreams and ruin this guy's episode.
But it's just ridiculous.
It's a fucking novella.
You know, I'm sorry.
It's a fucking novella.
And I'm not, I'm not, I don't need to, it's a, it's whatever.
It's just ridiculous.
Anyways, uh, we have with us Harrison Fishman, Dylan Redford of the show, neighbors.
Let's ring-ring-ring-a-ring-ding.
What did you say about the gong?
I love it.
It's a cool gong.
It's a smiley face.
Is this like sarcasm?
What?
I'm not.
No, I like it.
I like that.
How does that make you feel?
Good.
I feel calm.
I feel quiet.
We're starting the show, fellas.
We'd like to welcome into the Truanon home studio Harrison Fishman and Dylan Redford.
Neighbors on HBO.
Which guy?
Which Jew owns that one?
David Zotzlov?
Who owns HBO?
Well, whatever.
Well, we love them.
In any case, obviously, I myself maybe one day will be at least attempt to purchase the network.
Dylan and Harrison, I don't know.
I'm looking at your names.
I'm looking at the two of you.
I don't need to do that, remind myself of that.
Welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for having us.
The gong was, I love the gong.
I really do.
No sarcasm.
I know.
I knew you weren't.
I was being, I'm sorry.
I came in hot.
I liked it, though.
It felt good.
Yeah, it's good.
This tool is awesome to do shit like that.
Yeah.
I want to get one for the crib.
That actually, I might cause some problems with some people who live below me.
That's interesting.
There's this one person, and I don't want to say her name or what instrument she plays.
Okay.
But she practices that shit.
And sometimes when I can tell she's really struggling with something, I'm hitting the broomstick against the ground to be like, shut the fuck up, even though it's not bothering me.
You're doing that.
Oh, yeah.
So you're a broomed smacker.
That's something that you do.
I do, I do below and above.
You go up.
I go up.
Actually, you know what?
Literally, my first memory is my mom hitting the apartment or the ceiling of our apartment with the broom to get our neighbor to shut the fuck up.
Wow.
Wow.
Early neighbor memory.
The first memory I ever have.
That's crazy.
That is kind of a weird thing to see as a child, I feel.
Like, you're like, what is did you know what was going on?
No, I didn't know really anything.
I was pretty much like a two-year-old or something.
Yeah, you didn't know anything though.
It's funny.
That's kind of like a classic.
It is.
It's a classic neighbor's move, I guess.
But I guess it had to start with apartments.
There's an invention that we found.
I don't know if it's actually in production, but you can buy a sort of a large cylinder vibrator that you can attach to your ceiling.
It's like a stripper pole.
It's a stripper stripper.
And it's just like pounding the ceiling whenever you want to annoy your neighbor.
Wow.
So you can even do it when you're not.
It's like a hydraulic worm.
Or if you're just not at home, you can turn it on and just start smacking your roof from a phone.
It's like the fucking worm thumping thing from Dune.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Dude, I fucking want one of those things too.
So worms?
No.
I can't have a worm, but I want the thumper.
There's another thing I saw a video that can do decibel levels and like it hits the floor.
It's like a reverso.
It hits the floor and it mimics the sound of footsteps.
I guess if they're testing to see if like places are quiet.
Okay.
That makes sense.
I've got to.
So you guys, you guys, presumably, you live in New York, you live in LA.
Presumably, you don't live in a sort of suburban community.
So neighbors are really, it's a different issue, I feel, a little bit.
Yeah.
And really, I think what we're focused on, and we're going to be talking about, unfortunately, a lot in this episode, is roommates.
Oh, my God, babe, we're roommates.
That's okay.
It's kind of like a neighbor who lives in your house.
Yes.
It is.
Roommate Noise and Suburban Zones00:11:00
I want to run by some rules I have for roommates.
And I think we'll probably add for these.
These are work for neighbors too, but they're more a little more for you'll see.
Okay.
No pussy on the couch.
Right.
Let's break that down.
Let's break that one down.
Yeah.
So what do you feel like it's fairly self-explanatory?
Like if you're living with a woman.
No.
Dude.
Wait, go on.
Yes.
So I don't know.
I don't need to clarify.
You mean if you're living, you think of, like, if you're living with a girlfriend or a wife?
I don't know.
Tell me what you're saying.
Does it also mean no sack on the couch?
What do you mean, no sack on the couch?
Yeah.
You mean no intercourse on the couch?
What?
Because it sounds like you're talking about like, don't put genitalia on the couch.
No.
I'm saying you don't have sex on the couch.
Oh, right.
See, I have to do it.
Which is, that includes that.
Okay.
But no, if you live with roommates that you are not having sex with.
Right.
In which case, if you are having sex with a roommate, which is your girlfriend, let's hope, or else you're in trouble.
That's a whole other thing.
You are, you can have sex anywhere.
Right.
That's true.
It's your house.
You can do it all you want.
But if you live with other people that you're not having sex with, you can't be fucking on that couch.
Yeah, I agree.
Yeah, no sex in the common area.
No.
I think so.
Well, and the couch is so susceptible to stains.
And the idea of like cum being on the couch that's not yours.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Excites me a little, but yeah, it's it's more just like I like the couch in general, whether you live with friends or strangers, is it difficult, is difficult to reign the living room.
Yeah, totally.
You're right.
It is very, this is very neighbors.
It's like it's it's you really have to decide, you know, you have to share a space.
Yeah, you have to share a space.
Yeah, damn.
There are rules that you have in your head that you realize you don't have until someone breaks them.
Like, like, oh, like, I have this rule in my head that I'm not going to come on the couch.
And then your roommate does that.
And you're like, I didn't even know that that was a rule I had.
That's a good point.
Yeah.
And you think, like, am I crazy?
Right.
But then you realize that, no, a lot of people have very different approaches to anything that comes out of your body that I think that I generally, I don't know.
I've encountered a lot of things that leads to the second rule.
No shit anywhere but the toilet.
Totally agree with that.
And we flush it when we're done.
And you have to stay until it's fully cleared, I think.
Because I had a roommate who did not understand that.
Like the smell?
No, no.
She would, I think, like fire and forget.
Like she would flush, presumably, and then leave without making sure that the job was done.
Right.
Yeah.
That is cool.
So I would come in later and clearly she had flushed, but it hadn't been fully effective.
So I would have to then flush a second time for her.
It was like a half flush.
Yeah.
Well, the plumbing was old, but it's like your job to see it through.
You have to see it through.
That doesn't mean you flush, wait.
Yeah, exactly.
Because sometimes that shit has like kind of the refresh takes a second.
Exactly, which I think to me goes without saying, but clearly it didn't to her.
Oh my God.
What I would just like to pose is this question around the smell of poop in the bathroom.
And do you open the door to aerate it?
Or do you leave it closed, which will prolong it?
Light a match.
Right.
Yeah, I don't want to pry or anything, but do you live with a woman?
Yeah.
Your girlfriend.
Fuck.
Yes.
I live with my girlfriend.
All right.
Not married, though.
No.
Interesting.
But what women like to do often, this is something I've lived with for a long time, is you get incense matches.
Yeah.
They love those.
I have those.
So that's what you do.
That's what I do.
That's what you do.
Or that you just subtly change her diet to be, you know, to be something that is like a, is a sort of more soothing effluvium that she gives.
Well, that's what I prefer.
Yeah, instead of having to buy the matches, which, you know, where do you even get those?
Just change your girlfriend's diet.
Right.
Right.
On that note, do dishes now, I think is another rule.
Oh, my God.
We're doing them right now.
Yeah.
We're done with eating.
Those dishes are getting done.
Because that is the site of, that is the Alsace Lorraine of the shared household, the kitchen sink.
Yes.
Ground zero.
That really.
Look, even in my house right now with my girlfriend, the sink is a contentious zone.
Who contends?
I think both of us, I think sometimes we just let that shit stack up.
That's not cool.
Yeah.
That's not cool.
Do you guys do them immediately?
Everybody here does them immediately.
I have a dishwasher.
No, I let it.
I live alone.
You let it stack.
A little bit.
Yeah, by the end of the day.
Yeah.
Right.
Or the next day at the latest.
It's got, it's, to me, it's got, if it's not done that night, it's done the next morning.
Yeah.
While I'm making coffee.
Yeah.
Right.
But there's no, it's never, we're never more than two meals away or one meal away.
No, no, no.
You know?
Yeah, I think, but you're right.
Like, that's the perfect thing is just right when you use it, wash it, put it in the, through in the dish.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, there's also the exchange if whoever cooks, the other person cleans.
Yeah.
There's also that arrangement.
That's kind of an unsaid rule, I feel like.
Yeah.
Sometimes said, but sometimes they say it.
Sometimes they say they say it.
Sometimes they say.
They say it.
Food thieving, okay, once a quarter, no more.
Okay.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
But it happens.
Yeah.
Smoking cigarette out window and bedroom, okay, only after the first time you make love to a woman.
Yeah, okay.
I feel like that's acceptable, no?
Yeah, I'm just thinking about it because I used to smoke in my apartment and I've had roommates that, you know, it's tough.
Cigarette smoke.
It's tough.
It's tough.
Because it really, like, it's also like when you don't smoke.
Yeah.
It's like, it's like a whole, you really smell it.
It changes the zone.
But it also depends how much you're having sex.
Oh, yeah.
But you said first time?
Only the first time.
And I didn't say having sex.
Oh.
Made love.
Right.
Sometimes when you make love to a woman, they're like, let's smoke a cigarette out there.
Right, right.
And so, you know, because most of the time you're on reels within two seconds.
For sure.
Right?
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, you barely even are.
I'm not finished and I'm on reels.
You're already reeling.
You know what I mean?
We're in the reels.
Which is so unhealthy.
No, it's good.
No.
It's good.
Grace.
But sometimes you make love and you're like, we need to smoke a cigarette, but only the first time.
Okay.
Not too many kitschy objects.
You don't want like, that's really a roommate thing.
If you live alone, that's fine.
But if roommates, there's too much stuff accumulating.
Every time you go out to fucking, you go upstate, you go to some fucking antique store, you buy some fucking piggy bank.
We don't need a new piggy bank every time you go up to the fucking farmer's market or whatever.
Yeah.
Right.
Wipe down surfaces.
Yeah.
That's a big one.
Not good at that.
Yeah.
Not good at that.
Dumb wipe stuff.
I'm not good at that.
I see dirt and I say, okay, you accept it.
I accept it.
What about like kitchen surfaces?
Kitchen is a different kind of zone.
Dust on surfaces, I just let it rock.
You know, I let it just fester.
Yeah.
And it's a problem.
And I acknowledge that and I need to get better at it.
But that's a tough one for me.
That is, yeah.
It's not, you know, it really makes a difference, though.
It does make a difference.
You just hook that and wipe it and it's like, wow, my house is clean.
I went to my boy's house and took a little tinkle the other day.
I looked down.
The sink's a mess.
The floor is dirty.
And I'm like, fellas, this is the room with the most water in it.
Yeah.
Why not spread a little where it's dirty?
There are so many opportunities for water.
There's water and there's paper in here.
Yeah, if you don't even want to use a fucking washcloth or another rag or anything.
You know what?
Because I do use that.
I do use, if I have roommates, I do use their washcloth to like clean up spills.
No, you don't.
And then I put it back in the shower.
No, of course not.
I feel like you just admitted that you've done it.
I might have done that too.
Piss in the sink, piss in the sink.
Well, we've all peed in, but that's different.
But is that okay?
Is what I'm asking.
Is it, if you have roommates, can you piss in the sink?
Why are you pissing in the sink?
Yeah.
Why?
Closer to your.
No, we don't accept that anymore.
That works for a little bit in your life, and it works if you're living in an SRO.
But it does not work if you're if there's no bathroom, we can talk.
Okay, bathroom is being used, kitchen sink open.
And you got to go so bad.
How bad?
You're about to piss your pants.
What's wrong with you?
I don't know.
Okay, how about, so you grab a mason jar, you pee in the jar in your room.
Yeah.
Save it until they leave.
What do we think about that?
It's been done.
There's actually a call about that.
Really?
Yeah.
Actually, it's a little more extreme than that.
Okay.
So let's table that one.
I think the most important rule I think that we can agree on before we go further, we live in a society, but I'm just one man.
How is that a rule?
That's just a good rule if you live with other people.
I know we live here together.
Right.
I'm but a man.
You know what I mean?
And I'm just only, there's only one of me.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
It seems like more of a, like a precept, perhaps, than a rule.
No, it's a rule.
It's on my list of rules.
Okay.
Say it one more time.
Say it one more time.
I think if it's on the list, it's a rule.
We live in society, but I'm just a man.
How would somebody break that rule?
I feel like, is it, are you kind of saying, like, I might fuck up, but, you know, forgive me or something?
No.
Interpret as you wish.
I'm just saying we do live all together, right?
Right.
Yeah.
But as, but we're all individuals.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And we're all but one man.
For some reason, he said that I'm like, I want to live with you.
Yeah.
No, you don't.
Oh.
No, no, no, no.
I'd be touching.
And there's all sorts of weird things.
You think peeing in the sink?
No, I'm doing other stuff in there that you don't know.
I'm not touching you.
Well, maybe.
I'm touching your stuff, though.
I'm going in there.
I'm just going to be just touching things.
Yeah.
I like that.
That could be sort of like worst nightmare roommate stuff is your roommate's just touching all your shit.
And especially when you're not there.
He's just in there.
He's not using it.
You look at your little fucking, you look at your little laptop keys and you're like, is this someone's sweat?
There's like little Dorito dust on the cheese.
Is someone eating chips in my bed?
That would be, I would hate that.
Clearly, Dorito crumbs in your body.
We are in a time of neighbor disputes.
I mean, obviously October 7th, but even beyond that, you know, America and Canada, Mexico a little bit.
We're doing some stuff down there.
Europe is, I assume there's things, there's always making new ones over there.
Obviously, Yugoslavia, that was the 90s, though.
But, you know, going back even through history, Franco-Prussian, Genghis Khan, who moved so far across the world, he always got new neighbors and then had problems with them.
Choosing Stories Over Truth00:02:38
The Turks and Europe, you know, which, of course, Turkey's part of Europe a bit, but you know, they've had some difficulties in the past.
I feel like neighbor disputes define our age.
I don't really have any awesome going with that one.
I like it, though.
No, definitely.
Fellows I love the trajectory.
I love the show.
I don't know if I have many questions.
That's okay.
Thank you.
That's okay.
That's probably a good thing.
I feel like the work speaks for itself, but is there anything you would like to say that maybe the work didn't?
You know, honestly, no.
I feel like it's good.
I just like what you're saying.
Like, you know, sometimes if you ask too many questions about it, it's sort of like, you know, I don't know.
It's good.
I'm glad you like it.
Yeah.
In every instance, though, were you guys like, this person's right?
In many of them, I found it difficult to find a correct party.
I think it was, we chose stories where genuinely we would like read the casting pitch for them and we'd be like, damn, I could totally see both of these people being right in a certain way.
Yeah.
And there was often times where like emotionally they were totally right, factually completely wrong.
Like definitely don't own that piece of land.
But emotionally, I'm like, I kind of understand your way of thinking more than I do the other neighbor.
But the other neighbor is like totally right.
Yeah.
You know, and like that was, you know, there's like the emotional truth and the factual truth.
And that we always chose stories where it felt like that was at the core of it.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
I also think that like there are certain people that in our show, like, you know, if we're filming a story, sometimes there's one side or one house or one person on, you know, whatever team that, you know, is funner to hang out with sure.
You know, so like that's where it gets in terms of the actual problem.
Yeah.
I don't know who's right and wrong, but sometimes you just like one of them more.
You know, sometimes one's a better hang.
Yeah.
There's a lot of great hangs.
I feel like, I don't know, but sometimes you look at things and you're like, man, there's such a, it's such a big world.
And people are doing so many things in it.
Yeah.
And that's really how I felt watching the show.
That's awesome.
You're like, people are having experiences that I could never even imagine in my wildest dreams.
That's honestly, I feel like that's what maybe the most important thing out of the show.
It's cool.
It's almost like if people could see our shows almost like an x-ray machine of the, you know, you like fly over all those cities when you're in a plane and you look down.
Like, we're always like, what the fuck is happening in all those houses?
Hopefully our shows, yeah, like it just shows you what is happening in that house.
The Mennonite Neighbor Beef00:07:53
Some guy pulling a gun out of his closet, you know?
What's the best gun you guys saw?
Did anyone have a gun where you're like, oh, that's pretty good?
Who had the coolest gun?
I know you're from the bay, so you're scared, but you're from Philadelphia, so you've got some bodies on you.
I'm cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're cool.
We're cool.
You're cool.
I'm cool with the guns.
I'm trying to think about the coolest gun.
I mean, the one that Trevor has that he shows us.
Yeah.
Weirdly, I do love that one because it does feel like something out of like, it looks like the gun in taxi driving.
Yeah, it does.
And it also feels historical.
Like, I don't know if it still works, but it looks cool.
Yes.
I love that one.
Just a little handgun.
I really, yeah, after doing the show, kind of got it.
It's crazy because I was like, damn, if I wasn't a beef with my neighbor, I'd use a bomb, but whatever, you know?
So do am I to say?
Because a gun, you kill the person.
With a bomb, you kill the house.
Right, you feel me?
And the person.
And the person.
Oh, I'm presumably the person.
Maybe not, maybe just the house when they're gone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think I have some questions to intersperse in with these.
but let's just get fucking let's get i see you looking at your phone You got somewhere to be?
Okay.
No.
No, no, no, it's all good, man.
No, you can look at it.
I'll look.
Why do I want to look?
I'm looking at the phone.
I'm going to reel.
I'm here.
See, this is the problem with phone is I'm addicted to it.
Right.
Come on.
Let's do neighbors suck my roommate's dick.
Hey, team.
Big fan.
Love you guys.
My upstairs neighbor once came, knocked on my door, seemingly innocuously, you know, asked to borrow something, closed the door, went back to my girlfriend.
She said, that girl's up to something.
About three weeks later, she was up to something.
She came down, sucked my roommate's dick, walked off into the sunset.
Became a big situation with boyfriend drama afterwards.
Not very fun.
I declare war.
Peace.
Interesting.
You done lost the war, my brother.
Yeah, you lost.
So she came just to recap.
Yeah, I honestly, maybe because I zone, it went by, that story went by fast.
It took me a while.
Let me break that down a little bit.
Yeah, maybe let's just take a sec.
It sounds to me like the roommate of this gentleman got his dick sucked by a neighbor.
And that that neighbor had previously come to the house to do an innocuous, oh, may I borrow a bit of sugar?
And the caller's girlfriend was like, she wants to suck someone's dick.
I see.
Which I'm sure the caller was like, yeah, you're tripping.
Right.
And then she did successfully come down and suck his roommate's dick.
Wow.
So the girlfriend really called it.
She said, I don't, something suspicious is going on here.
I think there's something more at play.
A couple days later, she was right.
She was right.
So that was kind of a scouting mission on the roommate.
She could delay the land and then came in for the kill.
She was doing dick recon.
Right.
But what I don't understand is it seems like there's maybe another party here who we're not hearing about, which would be this roommate's girlfriend.
Because if the roommate had just, or excuse me, if the neighbor had just come down and sucked the dick, then no harm, no foul.
Right.
But either that neighbor has a boyfriend or the roommate has a girlfriend because it seems like if there's any drama about that.
Right, where's the drama?
I mean, this story is just, I mean, this really feels like a chat GBT, like fucking AI summary of the real story.
I know we're missing.
Yeah, we're missing somebody.
We're missing.
So how did someone just come, the neighbor come in and suck someone's dick?
Well, presumably he let her in like a vampire, you know?
But, you know, these things happen, you know, but it is a little, I do find it interesting.
This one is from a rancher.
Let's do rancher beef.
Hey, Bray, say Young Chomsky, longtime listener and Patreon subscriber.
Love you guys.
Love the show.
Love to Liz.
You wanted to hear about bad neighbors.
I've got a bad neighbor for you here.
So I'm a rancher in rural Colorado.
I don't own the land, but I manage it for the absentee landowners.
Now, unbeknownst to me, when I took over management of the property, I also inherited a feud with a neighbor.
Let's call him Jim.
They went back to a water rights dispute with the previous owners over a ditch you could jump across 45 years ago.
Not an exaggeration.
Anyway, so when I took it over, he started harassing me in a kind of rancher-swatting way.
So ranchers, of course, can't swat each other, you know, because everyone lives in the middle of nowhere and the police never do shit out here.
And everyone's so heavily armed that if you actually tried to swat anyone or start anything, you would cause an international incident.
So what you do is you're driving by their property and then you call the sheriff and you say, hey, I was driving by whatever road and there's like 80 cows out on this road, right?
So the sheriff knows where all the ranchers are.
So he calls you and he says, hey, we just got a report.
There's like 80 cows out on the highway by your ranch, right?
So you, of course, jump up.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, this is going to get fucking rodeo.
You're running out of the house.
You're shouting at your friend, like, saddle up the horses.
You've got fucking cows out.
You know, and you drive out there as fast as you can, and there's no cows, of course.
Now, the art to this is to make this call at maximally inconvenient times for your target.
So I was getting calls waking me up at 4 o'clock in the morning or at 9.30 at night or during Christmas Eve dinner, whatever.
And, you know, at a certain point, you're like, it's fucking gym again.
But you still have to go, you know, because it's always possible that you drew up a bunch of fucking cows out on the road and that would be catastrophic.
So it got pretty bad.
It was pretty bad while there.
I eventually tried to get back at him by flooding out part of his ranch, by fucking with the ditch, basically.
It was ugly.
He eventually got run out of the area by Mennonites, which is very difficult to piss off Mennonites badly enough that they run you out.
He got jumped by a pacifist.
It was very funny.
Anyway, that's how sausage is made in the hinterlands of the rural West.
Love you guys so much.
Best wishes to Liz.
And yeah, thanks.
Bye.
Wow.
Wow.
Straight from the Yellowstone Hotline.
Yeah, I love that.
I felt like I was watching a movie with that one.
I just closed my eyes and just sort of drifted there.
That's a dream caller.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I loves you guys, by the way.
That was really good.
That really was touching.
That reminds me a lot of the first episode you guys had.
I was a gift.
Yes.
Yeah.
You know what's funny?
It really made me think, and he's a great storyteller, but it's just funny how no matter where you live, the ways that people fuck with neighbors can look totally different.
Yeah, I love that idea of someone just fucking with you like that.
Like, you know, all your cows are.
Calling the sheriff to tell us, like, oh, there's a bunch of cows near this guy's pasture.
You don't know who they are.
That is good.
And it's nice that the Mennonites came through, you know?
Yeah.
That's awesome.
I will say, though, I don't know if he was referring to the Mennonite as a pacifist, but my boy Zach did get his shit fucking rocked by a Mennonite in Philadelphia.
Wow, really?
Yeah.
Turns out he and I both know the Mennonite, but he didn't know this at the time.
But the guy we know turned Mennonite and then saw my friend Zach and just fucking socked him.
So he turned Mennonite recently.
Or he didn't grow up Mennonite.
He didn't grow up Mennonite.
As far as I know, he didn't grow up Mennonite.
Certainly was not Mennonite when I came into contact with him as a teenager.
So interesting.
Yeah.
And in Philly, rock by a Mennonite.
Rock by a Mennonite.
You met Zach.
He's a big dude.
I think so.
Tall ass motherfucker.
He was at our Philadelphia shows when we did them like a few years ago.
I feel like you know a lot of freakishly tall men.
Home Security Footage Mishaps00:02:51
Well, just next to me because I'm five wide.
Yeah, that's true.
They got into a beef about something in the past.
This guy turned Mennonite and then he sort of.
They were in a band together.
Yeah.
And I think the guy didn't really actually have a beef with him.
He just didn't know how to express himself.
That's kind of sweet.
This one actually, this next one kind of reminds me.
This is just how I imagine filming the actual show you guys did turned out.
What's up, TrueNON gang?
Love the show.
My name is Connor.
I'm calling in to complain about one of my neighbors.
So my wife and I live next to an older couple, and their kids and grandkids all live in the same house with them.
We're all cool with each other.
We've been to cookouts at each other's houses, etc.
My hate is directed towards the dad/slash grandpa of the house.
And let me preface this by saying they have a borderline psychotic home security setup that involves a self-installed 10-foot metal pole with four different types of security cameras pointed in all directions of the street.
And also they left the construction scaffolding up for that pole for literally three years, but that's not even the grievance here.
But it is relevant.
Okay, so one particular time we went over there, we had never actually been inside their house.
My wife and I go in there and the dad immediately offers us beers.
We politely decline because we don't even drink like that, but he insists.
They tell us to get comfortable.
We sit down in their living room only to realize that under their main TV setup, it's mounted on the wall, there is a multi-screen live security feed set up on some Epstein Paul Blark control center shit.
Live feed of our entire street just in their living room at all times.
We proceed to drink beer and make small talk that quickly devolves into the dad shaming us for being drinkers while we were drinking beers that he insisted we drink.
We didn't even want to drink those fucking beers because he is sober now.
Followed by him asking if we are Catholic.
We say we were raised Catholic.
He proceeds to essentially hold us hostage for 30 minutes and explain that Catholics are fake Christians and the Catholic Bible is fake.
And he pulls out two different Bibles attempting to show us the difference between the Bibles.
And I don't know what that means at all.
I don't even remember exactly how the fuck we got out of this situation, but needless to say, our neighborly relationship has never been the same.
I do not interact.
I do not want to interact with this guy ever again.
Fuck him.
Thanks.
Have a good one.
Love you guys.
Wow.
Wow.
That's amazing.
That's a great story.
Cats, Bibles, and Hostage Situations00:15:28
It's a great story.
It's honestly chilling.
Yeah.
I love that power move.
I'm going to bring you into my house and show you that I'm watching you.
It's like a horse's head in the bed.
Yeah.
It's like, better watch out, you know?
I will say, dude, how many people are fucking filming from like home security cameras?
Dude, dude.
It's crazy to me.
I feel like in one of the Florida ones you guys did, there was a lot of home security footage.
Yeah.
And then like a lot of people on cell phones, but I'm like, what is this urge that people have?
What is going on on your street?
Yeah, totally.
Yeah, it's funny.
Like, I mean, and it's so like unintentional.
Yeah.
Setting out to make this show.
We're not like, we want to document everyone's security systems.
It's just like almost every story, everybody had a little cockpit in their house where they sat with all their screens and they just monitored everyone.
It's insane.
Yeah, there was one character who just like laid in bed and watched like Westerns, but then also he had another monitor next to the monitor showing Westerns that was just footage of like six different security cameras filming his neighbor's house, you know, and just with like, that's the two things he watched all day.
There's something there about Westerns and the frontier.
There's something wrong with.
Yeah, for sure.
I'm like, I've lived in cities most of my life where nasty things occur on the street, but I'm like, I don't want to see it.
I don't want to know.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I mean, it just, maybe it just comes from when you actually just own a house.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
And you're like, I mean, I think a lot of this shit comes from that.
Like, you know, because no one on our show is a renter.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
Yeah.
So, but, but I know, like, it is just so, it is just crazy, like, the time that we're in.
Yeah.
If I had a crib, I guess, and like owned a house somewhere, maybe I would put a camera up.
But I don't think I, I don't know.
I feel like I'd be too lazy, but for insurance or something.
But like, what the deal is, like, with, like, watching the street and like keeping an eye out.
Like, that's what's so confusing to me.
That is weird.
The street thing is, like, another level.
Yeah.
Well, and oftentimes these systems are basically if something happens in your neighborhood, you call the police, like a hit and run or there's a neighbor issue or whatever, the police officer comes over and basically tells you you need to buy a security camera and install it so you have proof of what's going on.
And that is like the beginning of the end.
Like, because then you feel like, oh, the only way I can beat, you know, justify anything is if I have proof of it.
So I have to have proof.
And so then it's like proof of what?
Like, you know, did something happen on your street or that a neighbor did something wrong?
But, you know, oftentimes like cops suggest security camera systems.
And, you know.
Yeah, it's true.
Cops kind of make people into these, you know, paranoid surveillors to some extent.
You're right.
And then they use the surveillance that these people get.
I watch a lot of interrogation videos of people when I can't, like, when I wake up, I had a lot of nightmares.
And so I wake up at five in the morning sometimes and I'll put on very quietly like someone's like four hour interrogation and it sort of lulls me to sleep.
Yeah.
And one angle, right?
Yeah, one angle.
But sometimes they're more in like documentary format.
And a lot of it, like people get busted because like your neighbor had a fucking video camera and that like showed you burning your parents' corpses in the fireplace of your house.
Right.
And like, and so these things, like, I think about this a lot.
I'm like, damn, there's just, they, like, if you, they, to resolve some bullshit about offense until you get a fucking camera and then like, you know, say your other neighbor decides to innocently murder his like, whatever, husband or wife or kids or whole family maybe in annihilation situation.
Then all of a sudden you're working for the police in this.
Yeah.
You know?
Totally.
It's so true.
But you don't have to give that footage to the police.
Yeah, but people want to.
They want to.
It's Chekhov's footage.
Right.
You know?
Once your footage exists, it has to be watched.
Dude, it's so minority report.
Yeah.
That movie.
Like, it is just crazy how I'm just, you know, it's sort of like a stoner thought, but it just like, as time goes on, I'm so, you know, it's going to be crazy how much shit is just, there's going to be cameras fucking everything.
It's just so funny too.
Like instead of like living alongside your neighbors and like interacting with them, just like having like a fucking pinopticon that you or like some crazy dome surveillance system in your like fucking like suburban Wisconsin home.
Like also I think a lot of people really want their suburban house to get like broken into while they're in there.
Because I also sometimes watch gun YouTube and there's a lot of guys who are like, this is my home defense.
Fucking, you know, you get your hard point at this your bedroom door, and you have total like situational awareness of the hallway corridor, and then, of course, like any ingress or egress things going on here.
And I'm just like, what do you think is happening in the crib?
You know?
Yeah.
I mean, we heard some elaborate scenarios from neighbors who were like ready to defend their house like it was, you know, like, you know, like it was like some sort of compound that was going to be under attack by some sort of militant group, you know, and it's just like, I don't think that's going to happen.
Strawdog style situation.
Yeah.
Dude, totally.
Yeah, fuck.
That movie rules.
I mean, my view is if someone, if someone comes in, Casa del Belden, I'm going to blow your head off with a 38 special.
But like, I'm not, that's not to defend my house.
That's to defend from you touching my stuff in my house.
Right.
You know, I'm a renter because I also don't want to live with a ghost.
That sounds like a fucking nice idea.
You smoke someone.
There's a fucking ghost in your house.
New roommate, no rent.
Yeah, also.
If you shoot someone in your house, you're just going to keep living there.
Yeah.
That is scary.
You're going to see where the new paint layers were.
Right.
Someone I know did.
Someone killed him.
No, it was like a stab someone in their house and just still lived there.
Jeez.
Yeah.
Well.
But the guy didn't die.
Right.
Well, that's okay.
But he bled everywhere.
Then you just clean it up.
Yeah, I guess you just clean it up.
Speaking of, this is also another thing I want to talk to you guys about.
Too many animals.
Let's roll this one.
Hi, Shirinan.
First time long time.
So I moved into a new apartment in September and I've gotten to know my neighbor a little bit.
For reference, it's a pretty small apartment, two bedrooms.
But currently, my neighbor has his wife, two kids under five, two large dogs, a cat, a bird, and two reptiles all in this apartment.
And I can't hear them all the time.
My first introduction to him was constantly hearing him yell at his wife through the wall and also scream at his children.
But later he introduced himself to me and immediately showed me the stab wound from when he apparently got stabbed by someone in my building because they didn't respect him.
I didn't get further details on that.
I'm also pretty sure that his wife is over 10 years younger than him and they started dating when she was 17, which is something.
Anyways, multiple times a month, I hear him have a loud party next door, which almost always ends with him getting into a loud fight with his wife or someone else, the music turning off and everyone leaving kind of awkwardly.
Last time he was yelling at someone in the hallway saying, you're going to get fucked in the butt.
Get your gay ass home.
I know some jailbirds who can fuck you up.
That might have been to his gay cousin who always rings my doorbell to flirt with me while he's drunk and then leave.
But I must say he's very nice to me.
He always gives me a hug when he sees me and says that he loves me.
And he gave me some leftover cake from his daughter's birthday party last weekend.
He's saying we need to party together.
He calls me Luke, which isn't really my name, but I'm kind of scared to correct him on it.
That's my story.
Love the show.
Bye.
Awesome.
Luke, let me level with you.
You have to move.
You've got to move.
You have to move.
The cousin is ringing the doorbell to flirt with you.
Yeah.
Gay cousin, right?
What does that even mean, though?
If your neighbor's cousin is like, ding dong, you look beautiful.
That's a nightmare.
What are we doing here?
My question to you guys, what the fuck possesses people to live with so many animals in such small environs?
Mints.
And mints.
Right.
Why do people take mints?
It's a great question.
Why do people do that?
I mean, I mean, in the cases of our show, in one of them, I mean, a guy just really wants a fucking farm to provide for his family.
So, like, that one, you know.
It also, it starts to get out of, it escalates and gets out of control very quickly.
It's like a gateway drug.
Like, you get a cat or maybe two cats or you take one in because you feel bad for the cat.
You're like, well, I don't want the cat to be alone.
So maybe I just, you know, and then you see other cats and you're like, well, maybe all the cats can hang out and they can have a little cat family.
And then, you know, then you're like, so it's like, it starts to, and then what happened with Jean is that she started feeding the cats.
And then she was like, well, if I stop feeding them, they're going to all die because they don't know how to find food for themselves and they're going to starve to death.
So I have to keep feeding them.
And then more cats came.
So it's like, I think, and then with Trevor's farm, it's like, well, if I have two goats, I need another goat to be able to make enough milk.
And if I have milk and a goat, I also need meat.
So I need to get a pig.
You know, it's just like.
Yeah.
And it's also like if you, you can't just have like, if you're really trying to homestead, you can't just have, yeah, like a goat and a chicken.
Right.
You kind of have to like have enough animals to put in a fish.
To be free to get a farm.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I think it's a solution to that.
I'd probably live on a farm instead of just like a neighborhood.
Right.
That would be my.
But I obviously, you know, I'm not in that situation.
But my question is more like, because you know, like, sometimes you live next to someone with like eight cats.
And I know that one of my old neighbors might be listening to this with her four cats in that studio apartment.
Maybe I told you.
That was a lot of cats in that studio.
But sometimes you meet somebody and they have like a lot of animals.
And then there will be a couple of the extraneous ones.
Maybe there's a ferret.
Maybe there's a few reptiles.
And it's sort of, it's like a, it's, it gets a little moist in there.
There's a certain stench that emits and stuff.
Yeah.
It's just, I don't understand what I love all animals, not all of them.
Do you have a pet?
No.
I also don't have a pet.
Me either.
You don't?
No.
No.
I think.
We should kill all pets.
Great.
So let's do that wrong.
No, I just wonder, like, sometimes because I don't have a pets.
I also didn't grow up with, like, I wasn't a dog.
We were in a dog family.
So I'm like, it's for me, it's hard to access the pet thing in like that way.
So I don't know, you know?
Yeah, sometimes when I go in a person's house and I have a dog, I'm just like, there is a live animal in this house right now.
What are we doing?
I grew up with dogs.
I love dogs, but I live, I don't know.
I'm in a city.
There's room for me and my things.
Right.
My view is this.
Dogs are for fighting.
No, but dude, I've told this on the show before.
My friend knew a guy got eaten by dogs in fucking Bushwick.
Your friend got no, no, my friend knew a guy who was eaten.
Oh, because they do eat you if you pass.
That's crazy.
I like that you were like, no, my friend knew a guy.
And we're like, oh, but it still doesn't erase the pets.
It still doesn't erase the ditto.
Or eaten posthumously.
We don't know.
We genuinely don't know, I think.
But eaten posthumously, probably.
They do do that.
I do think what Dylan was saying, I think it becomes some type of addiction or like collector thing.
Like it just, maybe you just start, you know, I don't know.
You get used to having two cats and you're like, oh, fuck.
Well, and it structures your day.
You're like, well, at two, I have to get the cats the kibble.
And then at four, I have to pay the, you know, feed the lizard.
And then at six, I have to.
It's like, gives you a day.
You know, nothing else going on in your life.
Just get a bunch of cats.
Just get a bunch of animals and you're good to go.
That's general.
I don't know if you guys have read Man Search for Meaning, but that's like the last chapter.
It's all about that.
He's like, get a dog.
Yeah.
Really?
No.
But with the cats, I've lived with a lot of cats.
I grew up with dogs.
I've lived with a lot of cats.
And I lived with good cat owners, and I've lived with cat owners that were more like not good.
And it is an interesting feeling.
Every morning when you're cooking, cooking coffee, making coffee at fucking 5 a.m. and you step in puddles of cat piss all the time, and then you're the bad guy.
But it's the litter box is the thing that's tough.
And sometimes you go to someone's really small apartment and they're like, no, no, actually, we don't even smell it at all.
It's like, no, your whole house does smell like you do, but you live here, so you don't smell it.
Dude, totally.
I mean, that's a thing in itself, too, is just the way that people's houses smell.
And the fact that people get so used to them, it is such like a, even when I was younger, I would go on like play dates and sleepovers and shit.
And I feel like just smelling other people's houses was like weird.
Well, isn't there something literally in cat feces?
It literally like it drives you crazy.
Right.
You know, and then you just stop being able to smell any, like, you can't.
Well, and the pee doesn't come out.
Like, the pea stench is like, it sticks around longer than other stenches.
I will say, though, like, you guys, whenever there's a new episode, I have thought, man, these people's houses must smell fucking crazy.
I mean, I wish that there was a way for people to watch the show and smell the house.
Like, you know, the February squirt.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
True.
If we do a theatrical release of neighbors, we could do the 4D.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, every house.
Man, totally different smell.
Insane smells.
And it gets to the point where, yeah, like the smell of cleaning products is also triggering because you know when you smell such a strong scent of Febreze that around the next corner is like the craziest thing you ever smell in your fucking life.
Yeah.
Totally.
Dude, that is so true.
Let's do my boy had herpes and well.
What's up, guys?
On the basis of roommates, I used to live in what later became a flop house.
My buddy got diagnosed with herpes and one of our roommates would follow him around and Lysol everything he touched and would not eat with us or anything.
Heng way, he moved out and into his bedroom moved an entire punk band, including one member sleeping in the closet.
And in the main bedroom, that guy with the herpes moved in his girlfriend and his closet became the baby's room.
And then in the living room, my buddy with herpes, his insane dad moved in.
And anytime I brought a woman over, he would go, oh, you must be Madison's sister.
Madison being the first girl I introduced him to.
This happened like five times and I always had to answer for it.
Anyway, thanks guys.
Whoa.
Wow, that was so cascading.
Every word was like just pounds of crazy.
Wow.
You think that when he got herpes, he like opened the door.
He's like, guys, there's something I need to tell you.
Herpes, Punk Bands, and Closets00:06:58
Yeah, I have herpes, everybody.
Dude, I'm just following him around, Lysoling everything he touched.
I don't think you got to tell your roommates if you have herpes.
No, you do, legally.
Most leases.
Yeah.
It's in the bylaws.
Let's be real about STDs for a second.
They're basically not real.
There's only two that are kind of real.
What are they?
Herpes and HIV.
But doesn't everyone have herpes or something?
Isn't it like three out of four?
That's what somebody you were going to hook up with who had herpes told you.
Yeah, you're right.
That's just somebody you were like, no, no, everybody has herpes.
It's just mostly dormant.
Just get it.
I don't know.
Maybe I have herpes.
I've never checked.
Sometimes I get bumps on my penis and mouth, you know?
It could be anything.
It could be a lot of different things.
It could be a lot of things.
It could be a lot of different things.
But those are the only two without a cure, no?
Yeah.
I'm looking at you.
But those are the only two that they have.
Because with syphilis, which used to really, that decimated societies, basically you can get rid of that.
Right.
And chlamydia.
Gonorrhea.
Let's name them.
Yeah.
Gonorrhea.
But gonorrhea, we've never really known what the difference is between the two.
Oh, really?
I don't.
Well, people always, I think people say the clap is gonorrhea, but people say chlamydia because it sounds like it should be the clap.
It's got the claws out.
But the clap is gonorrhea.
Was curious in that story about the baby in the closet.
What was that about?
Sounds like the guy and his girlfriend, who presumably contracted herpes from him, or vice versa, they had some herpetic baby.
Wow.
That was the baby might not have herpes.
I don't know how that works.
I don't think it's transmitted like that.
Although, if you're having an outbreak when it's coming out, it's like vaginal birth.
Maybe it is.
Yeah.
Right.
You know, could I say something about that?
I just want to go one story back.
That was kind of crazy that that neighbor had a stab wound.
Oh, right.
It kind of crossed over that.
That was crazy.
That's what I'm saying.
I'm like, that person needs to move.
Yes.
Yeah.
Anyways, yeah.
That was, I just was sort of, that's been in my mind.
That's a crazy, if my neighbor was like, yeah, like, look at this stab wound.
Like, I was like, someone disrespected me.
I guess that is a euphemism.
That's true.
For getting stabbed.
Right.
I was involved in a kinetic, disrespectful incident in the foyer earlier today.
It's awesome.
You got severely disrespected.
But I'm like, you got to at least get out of that family's orbit.
Yeah.
No more.
Don't accept the cakes anymore.
Be like, just be like, fuck it.
I have cancer.
I can't hang out with you.
No, I have herpes.
Right.
I wonder how cheap the rent is in that, how much that guy's paying.
I don't know.
I mean, that's the thing, too, is that you always are like, you move in sometimes.
It's like when they fucking, you had your problems with your neighbors.
Which ones?
Well, I don't want to say it on the show because it makes you sound really Islamophobic.
Oh.
Yeah.
They're just, they are loud.
Yeah.
It's not people.
Well, they are people.
But it's like, it's like.
Well, they have a fucking PA system that is broadcasting out basically at me and no one else.
He got a mosque underneath him.
And they're doing call to prayer.
And they're doing the call to prayer.
I'm so sorry.
I don't want to ask you like this.
He is so respectful when he talks about it.
I just, it's not my business.
It's so.
Dude, no, it makes sense.
And how often is that?
Oh, it's every day.
I mean, but it comes and goes.
I don't know.
I have a fan going, you know, but it's just like the only, you know, just directionally, the only place that is going is in my bedroom.
That's crazy.
It really doesn't carry beyond that.
They do, what is it, Fajer at fucking like five in the morning?
Yeah.
The first one?
Five times a day, my brother.
I think it's five times a day.
Interestingly, is that you never seem to consider maybe seeing what they had on offer.
I mean, I see they seem like they got a good thing.
They had a, yeah, they seem like they're having a good time.
And if you converted to Islam, those calls to prayer that wake you up at five in the morning, that's not like a fuck, I'm getting woken up.
That's like a yes, I'm getting it's really convenient.
I'll put that in the pro column.
That is, that's so, that is a great way to think about that.
It's like if you can't beat them, join them.
Yeah, that's what I view about.
By the way, that's my advice to every single person calling in: is convert to Islam.
Is convert to Islam.
Let's go with a roommate is cooler than me.
I can't remember what this one was about.
Hey, True Anon roommate story.
So my freshman year of college, I had a randomly assigned 17-year-old roommate who was this like BPD savant art ho type.
Anyway, she asked for privacy one afternoon, like the first month we were living together, because her 26-year-old boyfriend was coming over who, you know, naturally was living at home.
Not the point.
So anyway, I leave.
Don't hear from her for a long time, not answering her phone.
So eventually I just come back to our shared bedroom and she is topless doing Coke off of our disgusting dorm room floor with a $100 bill that I find out later she stole from my desk.
So yeah, I was pissed and then she transferred to art school.
And nothing wrong with any of that.
I got to be completely completely real with you.
She was having a cooler time than you are.
Yeah.
Sounds like you were a nerd.
I'm going to be just in all honesty.
Sounds like she was having a fucking blast.
Yeah.
And so true.
It doesn't, I will say, I didn't spend a lot of time.
I've never, I spent one night on someone else's dorm room floor.
And actually, I did, the people I was staying with did have sex on the bed right above me, which actually wasn't.
Did you know that at the time?
No.
Well, I know I saw it occur, but I didn't know prior to going over there, but I did realize.
That's when I realized that breasts could have veins in them.
I guess I never thought of that.
How old were you?
I was probably 16.
Yeah.
But I'm like, all right, 17, 26.
Listen, I don't know these people.
A guy lives at home.
Well, he's a loser.
Okay.
He's handing with a 17-year-old.
She is in college, but I'm just kidding.
But they're doing Coke on the floor.
Where else are they supposed to do it?
Right.
Yeah.
And a $100 bill is.
Pretty crisp.
Yeah.
They're being clean.
And I guess she probably was going to return the bill.
Yeah.
That's true.
It was just to ask for some privacy.
Right.
Right.
I don't really see, it doesn't sound fun to me to be on Coke in a dorm room locked with your 26-year-old boyfriend when you're 17, but maybe, you know, different stroke.
Could be fun.
Could be fun.
And then she went to art school.
Open Piss and Crisp Bills00:16:01
Yeah.
Probably a lot of fun again.
Yeah.
With these people, this is my advice, listener.
With these people, you just say, God bless you.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
God bless you.
So in the document, this was roommate is cooler than me.
So that was your editorializing?
Yes.
I was like, I was really, I was thinking about that title.
I was like, she wrote that.
No, no, I've used all of my shorthands so I can remember what the calls are about.
Yeah.
I listen.
By the way, listeners, I listen to every single voicemo that was left.
For a lot of you people, it's tough out there.
I don't know what to tell you, but it's tough out there.
This one's from somebody who actually, this is a little different.
This is from a mail carrier.
Let's listen to, but first of all, pause on that name.
But let's listen to what he has to say about his little work.
Hey, Bryce, hey, Jan Chomsky, I'm a mail carrier, and I just had to deliver 16 metal water bottles and a MyPillow to a guy's house.
I really hate that guy.
Also, in case you were curious, ever since Chuck had his accident, been a lot more turning point now.
Fuck on.
I want to add an addendum to that one.
So just in the interest of time, we're not playing it, but there's another call from an Amazon delivery guy who talks about how he has to deliver pallets of essentia to these same houses every day.
My question for you guys is this.
Why do people buy so much fucking bottled water, man?
Bottled water?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's a really good question.
Could be so many reasons.
I mean, I think people are freaked out by fluoride.
Yeah.
I do think a lot of people are freaked out by tap water and fluoride.
It can be kind of canary in the coal mine for a bigger conspiratorial effort, you know, where it's like, oh, something, something is amiss and this water is purer than whatever is.
It's funny.
They're like more willing to trust like the Coca-Cola brand than they are like their municipal government, you know?
Yeah, true.
And it's, you know, it's, it's strange, but that, yeah, definitely have seen that for sure.
Yeah.
So this guy was delivering metal, what was it, metal junk?
Like 16 metal water bottles, people, which, you know, you remember like what it, Stanley Cups?
Yeah, yeah.
I presume it's a Stanley Cup style situation.
I see.
Because I think when people in a lot of different places in this country got really into water bottles in the past few years.
Oh, yeah.
You're right.
Reusable water bottles.
Which actually, you know, you'd think that would be water from the tap in there, but often, according to videos I say on Instagram Real, they are putting other liquids in there.
Which is so interesting because that completely defeats the purpose of having a water bottle for any sort of ecological reasons.
You're buying plastic water bottles to pour into your existing people do that.
I think that's people do that.
Dude, the pallets of if I could get the numbers on how many pallets of bottled water are being sold in this country every day, I would make that fucking paper straw kid look like Richard Nixon, which was actually very pro-environment in someone else's.
But I would say now I would change this.
I hate, I like, I'm not like a microplastics guy, but I'm like, listen, I'm a water bottle guy.
I've been one for years.
Maybe that's because from the Bay, we got the beautiful, tasty, hetch, hetchy water.
Best tasting water in America.
The tap water that you guys have there?
In the Bay Area?
Really?
It's delicious.
Delicious.
It's delicious.
Delicious.
Especially compared to the other largest municipality in California, Los Angeles, where the tap water is not good.
Not good.
It does not taste good.
New York has good tap water.
It doesn't taste great, but I think it's like good in that whenever I get a glass of water and it's completely opaque and cloudy, people are like, oh, that's got to be minerals in there.
You mean the things.
And the ground?
Yeah, minerals and dirt, the things that are in the ground.
Why do you think that people, you know, don't drink tap water?
If you want to, I mean, I'm going to be honest.
I think that like most Americans are completely insane.
Like, I think that, like, I think that there is a type of mental illness that is so all-encompassing that they haven't even figured out that it exists yet.
It's like one of those things that you can only sort of see it by its, it's like when you try to make out like dark matter in space or like certain like extraterrestrial objects, they can only see it by the space that either takes up or the gravity that it directs.
Or like the light is raptured or whatever.
Yeah, negative space.
I've been all around this country.
I've been to most states.
I've been to a lot of towns and I've interacted with a lot of people.
I still do.
Man, I don't know.
There's something really wrong here.
And people are addicted to bottled water.
And I think that's just one of the many.
It's like a tiny symptom.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like the shrapnel.
Yeah, for sure.
Just how about this?
Next time you're in your house with a bottle of water, why don't you get a glass?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then fill that from the tap.
And I understand people are like, oh, not everyone has good water.
I'm sorry.
Most places in America do have drinkable water, except for a few very well-known places.
If you live in one of those that you don't have drinkable water, I'm obviously not talking to you.
Right.
No.
Duh.
Right.
But for the most part, I think people are just crazy.
They just like buying bottle.
Do you think that the Britas work?
Do you think all that shit works?
Putting it for some.
What does work?
What does work mean?
I don't know.
What do you think it does?
How much do you think it takes out?
And like, what is it ultimately taking out?
Exactly.
We could probably figure this out, but I don't know.
I don't think so.
And I don't really want to.
I'm not interested in figuring out that.
Just drink the fucking water.
Just drink the water.
Yeah.
And it will make you stronger.
That's the whole thing.
It will.
It's like milk, dude.
Also, the fluoride is good.
Yeah.
The fluoride is good, right?
Doesn't it lower your IQ a little bit?
Whatever.
I got one fucking.
I would like to be a little less smart.
Yeah.
I would like to be a little dumber.
Yeah, exactly.
I understand, you know, some people don't have the points to shave off, but it's, it's like, come on, man.
I want to keep my teeth.
I don't.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't brush.
You don't brush yourself.
I can't.
I have a friend who has never brushed only flosses.
And he thinks what?
Yeah.
And he says that it is the big toothbrush corporations that have created that false narrative.
But they sell floss, too.
Well, that's interesting.
The floss companies.
The floss.
They're more like cooperative.
Yeah, exactly.
They're collectively owned.
You can't say his name.
We got to check out his teeth, though, next time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, obviously, what are his chompers like?
Beautiful.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
That's the thing, is it does take all kinds.
You know what I'm saying?
When I was a kid, my grandfather used to always say, take care of your gums.
Your teeth will take care of themselves.
And he really instilled that in me.
That might be true.
I think that's absolutely true.
Do you guys all floss a lot?
I floss every day.
Wow.
I used to not.
And the dentist, like, it shaming me worked.
Right.
And they don't, they say you're doing a good job now, which really makes me feel good.
I've never heard that from a dentist.
That you're doing a good job.
Yeah.
Never.
I'll be honest.
Nothing I do to my body or with my body affects the outcomes I have health-wise.
Like, I brushed my teeth consistently for many years, zero cavities.
Wow.
And I did brush my teeth consistently multiple, two or three times a day for many years, cavity.
It's like, nothing makes sense.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I know you're highly genetic.
Yeah.
Health-wise, my teeth have been pretty good no matter what I do.
But I floss probably every day, every other day, I would say, because I like to spit blood in the sink and then pretend that I just got in a badass box again.
And I'm like staring in the mirror.
I'm like, you got to go back out there.
I hear the pounding of the crowd.
I hear the pound of the crowd.
And I just go out there and I confront my neighbor who left condoms in the trash can.
Play this one next.
Okay.
I once had a roommate who would throw used condoms into the kitchen trash can.
And this wasn't some like college trap house situation.
We were both in our 30s and we would have friends and family come over all the time.
I guess that's inconsiderate, but it depends on the layout.
If the bedroom is right next to the kitchen, right?
Well, you think, so the bathroom is the logical trash?
No, dude, you have a trash in your room.
That's something I want to talk about.
Trash cans in your room.
Do you have a trash can inside of your bedroom?
No.
Yes.
Right now?
No.
My girlfriend.
If you're in a room with a roommate, do you have a trash can in your room?
I think I guess.
Am I the only person in here with a trash can in my fucking room?
Why the fuck do you have a trash can in your room?
Because I want to walk to the kitchen every time I have to throw something away that's in my room.
What stuff do you throw away in the trash can in your room?
Trying to think.
Mostly envelopes for junk mail.
Right, right.
That's good.
I'll throw those on the bed and then later when I'm going to bed, I'm like, oh, I have junk mail on the bed.
I'll go through it.
Jewel pods.
Oh, yeah.
That's like the spittoon or whatever.
That's like you get out of a copper.
Yeah.
Exactly.
For sure.
No, definitely.
Those are like roaches.
I mean, I don't empty it very often and I don't put food waste in it, but like, you know, empty melatonin every once every six months.
I'll have a little empty bottle of melatonin I'll have to toss in there.
But you know, various things like.
It seems dry.
Your trash cans.
Do you put a bag in there?
Of course I put a bag in there.
Yeah, but it's dry stuff.
It's dry, yeah.
It's dry goods.
that makes sense but but if i think a block used condoms belong in the bathroom trash that's But that's also public area trash.
That's true.
That's true.
So here's what you do.
What I, I mean, listen, again, this is, I've lived, I haven't, I haven't lived with a lot of roommates.
I haven't used a condom in about 15 years, to be completely honest with you guys.
20 years, maybe.
But you just fucking toss that shit on the ceiling.
Okay.
Music?
Out the window, you know?
Your ceiling is just kind of like a cave.
Exactly.
It looks like fly strips.
And they probably would act great as a fly strip.
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I honestly.
I don't know.
I feel like there's nothing wrong with that.
Unless maybe what you do is you wrap it in something.
Exactly.
You wrap it in something.
You're a casual thing.
You do rap in something else.
Yeah, you rap in something else.
This guy's parents are coming over.
You're in your 30s.
Yeah.
I don't want fucking grandma to be throwing away her apple core and to see your little fucking Trojan full of jism.
You know what I'm saying?
Totally.
She's going to eat that.
Exactly.
We don't want her chicken.
Yeah, we don't want to choke it all.
No, that, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's do this one.
Let's do piss glasses.
Hey, Truanana.
First time, long time.
I have a bit of a roommate beef situation that I think might be of interest to you.
So I live with three roommates, and we all share the same cups and glasses in the kitchen area as you do.
And we recently discovered that our one roommate has been using these communal glasses to store his piss at night.
He apparently, he's got to have like a bladder infection.
He apparently has to pee like three or four times a night and got sick of walking to the bathroom.
So he just decided to take cups and pee in them.
And mind you, his room is the closest bedroom to the bathroom.
Like he shares a wall with it.
And obviously I find this out.
I confirm about it.
I'm like, that's disgusting.
What's wrong with you?
Like, never do that again.
And he doesn't, he's not even embarrassed.
He's like, didn't, he doesn't even comprehend why I would be upset that that's, or like that's gross.
He's like, well, no, dude, I like pour him out in the toilet and then I just put him in the dishwasher when I'm done.
And I say to him, I'm like, I don't want to ever drink.
I don't want to drink out of a glass you've ever peed in.
Like that's not the point.
And then he's like, well, and then he gets all mad and defensive and he's like, well, you know, you haven't gotten sick from it, have you?
Like, and he just doesn't, like, if I was pissing glasses, I feel like I would be embarrassed if people found that out.
But he doesn't even, it makes me feel crazy.
But our other roommate convinced him to just get his own glasses that are his like designated piss glasses that he that he pees in.
And I guess that's like a compromise.
But I personally would rather live in a in a house that's 100% piss cup free.
I don't know.
I don't know if that's too much to ask.
Let me know your thoughts on this on this situation.
Wide range of emotions.
I love it at the end.
I feel crazy.
And then he's like, I don't know.
Maybe he sort of is starting to feel crazy.
I'm going to watch the spiral.
Brother, you are right.
You are right.
You're 100% in the right.
But what a nice compromise that has such a good resolution.
It does.
Are you guys?
So I have never been like this.
When I wake in the middle of the night and I have to go to the bathroom, almost every single time I've had to do this throughout my life, barring certain chemically altered situations, I have made it to that bathroom and I have gone in that toilet in the most effective way I can.
Right.
However, I have lived.
I've lived with people who have things like a, and it's, I don't think he's listening to the show, but, you know, one of my best friends, he had a drawer of Gatorade bottles that was full of his urine that he would empty out once a week.
You know him too.
And I thought that was rather odd, considering we had maybe a 500 square foot apartment.
So the bathroom wasn't very far from anybody.
But is this something that you guys have encountered?
I've done it before.
I'll totally admit it.
How is that easier, man?
Well, I think really, I think I'm trying to go back and because this was a freshman year of college, high school.
I think, you know, honestly, I did it as like a joke or like to shock people.
I think, you know, like it's a funny gag.
So, yeah, it's pretty funny.
Ha ha.
Yeah.
Now, no, it's not funny.
All right.
It's fucked up, guys.
But no, it's gross.
I mean, I do, this is what I wonder about this guy that bought the new cups.
I think the thing is, is like having open piss is the fucking, that's insane.
That's crazy.
But, you know, if you, if this guy, I don't know why this guy is doing it, but at least get a jar or a bottle.
I don't know.
I think container.
Yeah.
Use the bathroom.
Yeah.
Right?
I've heard of this scenario when a roommate is too chatty and too friendly.
And they don't even want to leave their room when the other roommate is homie because they don't want to get stuck in a conversation and they're too scared to say, please stop talking.
So they just piss in a jar.
Yeah.
And then dump it to avoid engaging.
I would, I would, yeah.
100%.
Yeah.
Because also if you do it and no one finds out, who cares?
It's like a tree falls in the floor.
And you just put it in a bag, bring it outside.
But I don't know.
It is.
That's pretty crazy.
That person needs to move.
To your point, Dylan, I will say that roommates can be jailers.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
You can live with the screws and the warden and some motherfucker out there who's always making something.
She's, you know, she's always in the living room or whatever.
Oh, hey, mama.
It is, it is, I guarantee it is a thousand million times worse than being at Pelican Bay or at any of the San Quentin, any of these motherfuckers.
It is difficult.
You can be imprisoned in your room by a roommate who's too talkative.
Yeah, absolutely.
That's the worst.
I mean, it might be worse than, it's like you just don't even want almost any relationship maybe with your roommate than one that just always wants to talk to you.
Roommates as Jailers00:06:13
Yeah.
We talk about that with neighbor stuff too.
Yeah.
You know, like a neighbor who's extremely friendly can be very problematic for you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That happened.
I mean, look at, look at, I think, I guess by the time this comes out, there'll be another episode.
But the last episode with the racial beef, that's sometimes if you're too good of friends, because it's not, you know what I'm saying?
There can be problems.
There can be problems.
Look what Seinfeld.
Right.
It's a really good example.
Grammar?
Yeah.
What a nightmare.
I mean, speaking of racial problems, coming full, he never really came back from that.
I know in San Francisco, the guy who lived above me was just like, at first, I was like, this is nice.
He's very, very friendly.
And then it was way, he'd be like inviting me up for drinks.
And then like, you know, in San Francisco, you get a little minor earthquake, a lot of little tremor.
And he'd always text me, like, did you feel that?
And I would just not respond.
Pause, bro.
I mean, it was, it was clear, like, there was a flirtation to it.
And he knew, you know, and all good, but he knew that I was straight.
It was a gay man roommate inviting you up for drinking.
Not a room.
He lived above.
Yes.
Yes.
And he had a boyfriend.
And I had a girlfriend.
That don't matter.
And he would still, and it was just like, I wanted to have neighborly relationships.
After two fat tires, that shit don't matter.
Damn.
I knew about that, but I didn't realize that.
I didn't realize that there was a place where we first recorded.
Did he ever just stop responding?
Yeah, I mean, usually, but like, yeah, I would see him and I would just try to be like, I know.
I just want to have a limited engagement.
Yeah, limited.
I know.
It's like the minimal amount you can get by with.
Because you don't want to make them angry by not engaging.
But I like, it's nice to know your neighbors.
But there's a contained space for that relationship.
Yeah.
Totally.
Well, speaking of, can you go to neighbor trying to hit?
Hi.
So I had a tip about a neighbor that I used to live on my floor.
And so I was friendly with him in the laundry room, him and his son.
And he was married.
So he had a wife.
And I would see them together, like the three of them in the elevator a lot.
So I'm like, oh, family guy.
And we had like harmless conversation in the laundry room once.
And then I left my clothes down in the dryer for like maybe five more minutes than it should have been down there.
And he folded everything, put it in a bag, and then put it, hung it on my doorknob.
And I was living with my mom at the time.
So I thought it was maybe a little bit like platonic, right?
He put a note in it, got your laundry for you.
Like, it just got him a little creepy, though.
And then two days later, he had searched my name up, I think, from looking at a package that I received down in the mailroom because there's no other way he could have gotten my name or any of my information whatsoever.
Found me on Twitter and DM'd me at 12 a.m.
Hey, how are you?
And I knew it was him because he had his photo and I knew his first name.
So creepy.
I have no idea how he got any of my information.
That's why I think he like looked through all the packages to try and figure out like what my name was.
So then I put like an evil eye above my bed at night and like prayed that he would go away or that the drama would end and I would stop getting attention from him.
And then literally, I want to say two weeks later, and this is all during COVID, his job moved him to Israel.
So he's long gone now.
Thank God.
Anyway, I just thought I would share.
I'm sure a lot of women have like weirdo roommate, I mean, hallmate stories like this.
But yeah, I'm glad it's over.
Bye.
Love you guys.
And sadly, he perished at the Nova Festival.
He perished at the Nova Festival.
We can't, we cannot be accepting him folding your laundry.
No, that was such a transgression.
Yeah.
Major red flag.
Such a transgression.
Because your underwear was in there.
The underwear.
Exactly.
Yeah.
And then the note, because it's like, I always, I'm like, when I heard that call, I was like, could you imagine if you're that guy's wife and you're like, you walk down a laundry room?
You've been taking a long time down here.
He's just folding up some panties.
A tank top.
I was just helping out one of the neighbors.
One of our neighbors.
I don't even know her first and last name.
And then the midnight, hey?
The midnight hay.
The midnight hay.
So horny.
That guy, dude.
While his family is all asleep, quietly sleeping.
This was sort of the most succinctly told, but there was a number of my neighbors trying to hit responses from women.
I got to tell you, you must kill him.
You must have been.
It should be illegal.
Yeah, it should really be illegal.
I don't like that at all.
Damn.
I'm sorry to everyone out there that deals with that shit.
But you know what?
Evil eye worked.
Evil eye worked.
That's one good question.
God is real.
That was a real cross from that or whatever the evil eye is.
I love that he moved to Israel.
This is, so this is actually an email that we got.
Hey, Brace, my last roommate situation was four of us living in a house together.
And one of the roommates is a 40-year-old unemployed woman who would spend her entire day filming X-rated content in her room and in our shared bathroom.
I would come home for lunch during the workday and hear her spanking herself with a paddle.
I eventually found out that she would film videos for pissing herself in our shared bathroom.
It would not clean up the mess afterwards.
It was months on end of hearing her spanking herself and having a biohazard for a bathroom before I found out why she was doing this.
Apparently, she was, apparently, she was in a diaper-based, polyamorous relationship, and the only man in the relationship was mad that she had drunken a beer, so he ordered she spend all day, every day, punishing herself and posting the videos on some niche content site.
Wow.
So it's like a dominant, submissive, diaper-based polyamorous.
Like he, that's crazy.
Polyamory and Bathroom Biohazards00:08:13
Yeah.
So that was punishment.
She did all that for punishment.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah.
This is what I don't understand about that lifestyle.
If someone was like, Brace, you have to be punished.
I would say, no.
No.
If I had drunken a beer and the alpha in my poly relationship was like, now you're punished by peeing yourself.
Like, no, I don't think so.
I drank.
I don't think it's legal.
You and what army?
You're punished.
No.
I'm really surprised.
So this is something I want to talk to you about at the show.
A lot of the neighbors that you interview so far in the episodes have come out have been very, let's say, right-wing coded at least, if not explicitly.
Or maybe on the further fringe ends, but like, you know, right-wing tinged.
I'm a little surprised that there hasn't been the other side of America because I will say the blue-haired sort of polyamorous lifestyle person, I think it's very associated with the Ridgewoods or the Bush Weeks or the Ucho Parks of the world.
But this exists in great numbers in the small towns and mid-sized cities of Middle America.
And I'm a little surprised that none of them came on the show.
You know what's interesting is there actually are, I don't know if it's exactly half, but there's a good chunk of our neighbors who would identify as liberal.
But I think what happens is when you're dealing with, it's a classic NIMBY situation where the second you get into property rights, everyone becomes right-wing.
And so because that's what we're focusing on, I think everyone and the way that they talk and act end up coming across a little bit more conservative.
You know, and, you know, I saw this growing up in Marin for sure.
Like you, you know, this liberal bastion would do everything they could to deny public housing efforts.
You know, so it's like really someone's true values are on like full display when you're dealing with your home and your property.
And so, you know, but I think maybe aesthetically or just visually, they don't present maybe as more like liberally, culturally that way.
So, but yeah, they're, I mean, right?
Yeah, yeah, no, 100%.
100%.
I would say like half identify as like, you know, conservative politically.
And yeah, totally.
I also think, I mean, that will be, hopefully if we get to do a season two, it'd be cool to get some people that are like very clearly liberal.
Yeah, the next episode.
There's someone on there that is very liberal.
So we sort of know.
I think Europe could be fertile ground for that too.
Those people are crazy.
Totally.
Yeah, where is the crazy?
You know, I mean, I don't know.
I am curious how, you know, other countries deal with these kinds of things.
You know, like, is America truly like fucking crazy?
Or like, you know, like if we did the same show somewhere else, like, would it, you know, I don't know.
I think you actually could, throughout Europe, at least, I feel like this exists in Europe.
Yeah.
I feel like it probably exists everywhere to an extent, but in a places, I think that this is something that requires a expansive middle class.
Yeah.
And that's something that America really has in spades.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
That's a really good point.
Exactly.
Because you're not going to be like, you know, this guy in the favela put his tire.
It's like, these are people who are like, this is my, you know, it's like that kink song.
What is it?
Shangri-La.
You know what I mean?
This is my Shangri-La.
This is my little area.
And I think that you need a middle class for that.
Because the very rich are also, they are involved in arcane property disputes and stuff.
But like, that's like, you know, that's like West Marin, where like we're building a helipad and our neighbors don't like it.
Totally.
Totally.
Which oftentimes just gets like litigated through lawyers and their neighbors never even touch the lawsuit.
No one even shows a gun to anyone.
How fun is that?
God, I know.
Yeah.
Let's do Portland polyamorous neighbors.
I love you guys.
So I have a complaint about neighbors.
And I live in Portland, Oregon.
I hate to talk shit about Portland, Oregon because it's, you know, the fucking right-wingers are giving us so much shit.
And this is a good city.
But some of the people in this city are fucking whack.
And my neighbors are both fucking polyamorous.
One of them thinks she's a witch.
She literally runs around during manic episodes outside back and forth wearing a fucking felt witch hat.
Okay.
This bitch goes to witch circles.
She's kind of fucking crazy.
She scares me.
And the other one is a fucking psychic, used to work as a psychic.
And she's Polly, and she's fucking communicating with all of her partners, partners, and all this shit.
And I just think it's fucking nuts.
Okay.
Why would you want to talk to that many people all the fucking time?
I can't even deal with one person emotionally.
I can't even deal with myself emotionally.
Okay.
This poly shit is fucking weird.
Just fuck a bunch of people.
But the poly shit, come on.
Both these bitches, Polly, it's like I'm not conservative whatsoever.
I'm left as fuck.
But this is what I'm working with as people that I have to relate to and be around.
They think they're fucking witches and psychics.
I can't tell you how many people in this town have told me women over the age of 40 have literally said, I'm a witch.
Okay.
It's like, I know that reality is really difficult to comprehend and deal with right now.
And I get it.
I get it.
But you're not a witch.
We all feel vibes.
Okay.
I just, what I want is advice of how to be my leftist self and deal with all these fucking whack ass bitches that think they're fucking special witches out there.
Oh, and on top of this, my landlord is an ex-oil tycoon.
This bitch lives in a fucking mansion.
And now she's had some sort of come to Jesus moment where she's spiritual and she gets messages from the spirit world and they're magical.
And she'll like, come over.
I mean, this bitch, I've lived here 17 years.
This bitch abuses her kids.
She's like a psycho.
But all of a sudden, now she's like, she got a sign the other day that the dryer wasn't really broken.
And you know what?
I think she hit the time limit.
Listen, whatever follow-up you might have left, we can't include it because I can't find it in there.
But I got to tell you right now, I don't, what if you can't beat them, join them.
Yeah.
Yeah, totally.
Put on the witch hat.
Dead to polycule.
Right.
This is what I meant earlier when I told you I'm pretty sure that like 80% of Americans have like advanced deep schizophrenia of a new type.
Like, think of how many people connected to this, this like random lady calling into the truanon right now who in her immediate vicinity are speaking to spirits.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Right, dude, totally.
I know it's, well, it's, it's crazy with our show literally like.
Yeah.
It just, it was not, we weren't trying to find people like that.
We really weren't.
Like there are just so it really like America truly is kind of like an a la it's like it's an a la carte buffet of spirituality, religion.
Like people just can create their own God.
It's insane.
Texting Addiction and Identity Labels00:04:24
Yeah.
And I also think that the polycule thing, you know, it's like, I feel like a lot of it is some TikTok brain where it's like, oh, if I am horny and want to have sex with lots of different people, it must mean that I'm polyamorous.
Like they can't just like not have some sort of label or identity attached to their desires for a second.
It's like, okay, this is something that, you know, I need to have an identity attached to.
And I think that like it does, like, you know, so much of the stuff that our neighbors, you know, believe in also helps in identity formation for them.
It like gives them a, you know, it gives them a worldview.
It gives them beliefs.
But sometimes they're just like totally contradictory.
And, but it makes sense for them, you know, and from the outside, you're like, well, that none of those things connect at all.
But for them, it's like, well, this is what makes up who I think I am.
Right.
And it's, yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I think that the polyamory thing, listen, we have no opinion on polyamory in this show.
The commenters are going to be.
The commenters, at this point, commenters, you know, we are poly.
We are a polyamorous podcast.
Right.
But, you know, but I mean, there are three of us.
But my view is like we all want some meaning, right?
But I think also some people really want some rules.
And from what I understand from what I have observed from polyamory is that there's a lot of rules and a lot of processing.
And I think in a society that is so alienating and so fucked up and weird, some people just get addicted to processing.
I hate processing.
Like when someone, it's like someone's, it's like, when someone's like, after two weeks after you break up, hey, can we meet up again and like talk for a while?
No.
Nothing to be said.
Oh, cool.
Six hours of the worst conversation of either of our lives where nothing gets figured out, nothing gets solved, and we both go away feeling bad.
Maybe we'll have sex for 10 seconds and want to kill ourselves afterwards.
Wonderful.
But imagine, some people are like, what if I did that, but a whole relationship?
And so like with Poly is, I think you get into this difficult terrain of these natural feelings of jealousy or whatever approach.
And then you're just addicted to dealing with those over and over and over and over again.
Because the reality is, if you just want to get a little something, something here and there, you can do that.
That's legal.
There is no, you don't need to be doing a whole thing about that.
But then also some people are addicted to texting too.
That's another thing.
Addicted to texting?
Text messaging.
Yeah.
Yes.
You know?
You're addicted to getting texts and not responding to them.
What are we at?
What are we at right now?
We are at 1,019 unread text messages.
Phone number and then complaining about it.
860 unread signal messages.
You guys like that?
I have zero unread.
It's hard to respond to.
It's hard to respond.
Sometimes it's, you know, it's a weird like weight sometimes of like looking at text and being like, I'm going to get back to, you know, I don't know.
Yeah.
Is it presumptuous to send a text and expect a response?
I actually think it is.
I actually think it is.
Because the reality is, is like, I'm not ready to talk.
Right.
Some people will text me and then I'll respond and then it's like they texted me and then threw the phone in the freezer.
And it's like you reached out to me.
Are you talking about me?
Not necessarily, but I've known other people do that.
And it's like, you're I don't do this to you.
People like what happened?
And then I'll tell them what happened and then there's no reply.
It's like, why did you ask me what happened?
It's almost like they got what they want.
They're like, got what they wanted.
Now they're like, just a little hit.
Just like regular sex.
But my view on this is like, listen, some days I just don't want to look at an El Fonarino.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm trying to keep that shit in the pocket, in the drawer, whatever.
I don't want to be looking at it.
And I certainly don't want to have to stay looking at it while I have a endless text conversation with you.
You know what I'm saying?
Some days I'm in transit and then I get home and I don't want to get text then because now I'm at home and I got to fucking do my shit there.
And it's like, and they accumulate.
But you know, I've gotten, let's see how many people have texted me so far today.
Not to brag.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten different people today.
I can't have ten conversations at once.
That feels good, though.
Oh, yeah.
Witchcraft and TikTok Obsession00:03:01
It's kind of like keeping the Ember alive.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You are polyamorous, but just for texting.
Just for texting.
I have probably the text volume of a polyamorous person.
But here's the reality: I don't like texting.
I am bad at it.
I am open with that to everyone I know.
I'm not bad at it.
I'm good at it because I'm good at not doing it, which is what I want to do out of texting.
I also don't like talking on the phone.
Oh, yeah.
But you also get a lot of phone calls.
I get a lot of phone calls.
And you answer them.
Yeah, I do.
Crazy thing about being in a polyamorous relationship and also being like just having a busy life outside of that.
Yeah.
Like, how do people do that?
Do you think it's like people that are companies?
All you do is that.
Yeah.
All you do is for sure.
And obviously, witch stuff, too.
Right.
Yeah.
I think with her, she should become a witch, right?
Right.
I mean, I got to tell you, lady, you're asking for advice.
And my advice is it's difficult because I would never be in your situation.
And I don't mean that in a hotty way or a catty way, but I'm just saying the first witch moves into the neighborhood.
I'm sorry.
We're burning her.
We're burning her.
We're killing her.
We're throwing, we're pine a rock to her.
We're throwing into the Portland River.
You live in Portland, and I think that it might be difficult to get away from this kind of environment while you live there.
Yeah.
I understand a lot of conservatives hate your city.
However, sometimes other people also find your city strange too.
And there's just a lot of witches there.
You're in a witch-heavy environment.
And so I would just say, don't talk to these fucking people.
Yeah.
And just, you don't have to, I assume, but you probably do.
But your landlord should not be telling you about visions.
Yeah.
And then not fixing your appliances because of it.
Yeah.
Document that shit, actually.
Yeah, that you could get some money off.
Yeah.
Take them to court.
And maybe try to like, if your landlord's actually having like a mental breakdown, try to exploit that to like get cheaper rent.
To be like, God is talking to me, too.
Yeah, that's really smart.
Yeah, clairvoyant battle.
Well, out of all the witches in Portland, one of them must be real.
Right?
That's a really good observation.
Thank you.
That's true.
I don't know.
It's a numbers game.
Yeah.
If everyone's a witch, like, I don't know.
What is everyone looking for, man?
I don't know.
It's just like, I don't, because I should be, I've been dabbling in every religion, you know, but it's these people like create these syncretic things that are like half assembled from like TikTok.
Yeah.
Fucking, you know, or what a lot of it I think is from TikTok.
People are spending amounts of time on TikTok.
I joke about being on Instagram Reels.
I do not watch short form video often, except for sometimes.
But people, I think, are on TikTok in ways that I don't understand.
Yeah, I know.
I think you're right.
I think, yeah, totally.
People just want to believe they can have an effect on the world.
And like outside of being a witch, you're supposed to like vote or like be good at your job.
Like none of that makes a difference.
So it's like, okay, I'm going to do psychic shows.
And it's, you know, it's like, God bless.
I'm not even being a hater here.
Yeah, no, totally.
I'm afraid of witches, frankly.
Psychic Shows and Liberal Arts00:15:09
But it's just, I just, come on, man.
It's just, we really, people really are crazy.
So, lady, I don't know what to tell you, but I support you.
I want to talk about kink roommate real quick here.
All right, I'll keep it short.
So I have a roommate who recently got a divorce and I moved into like her spare room.
And she's really cool.
She's really great.
Here's the thing.
Pretty shortly after she got her divorce, she started seeing this guy who's like super into kink.
And now I just live with this person who I deeply love and is great and is very, very fun, but fun to be around and just a good friend, but is now just the most annoying sex person of all time.
Like sex is now her hobby.
And I'm tired of hearing about fucking kink tasia and all these sex clubs she goes to and talking about her ass getting beat all the time.
And I don't know.
Let's pour one out for all the people who have to live or coexist with sex people, especially ones that they like and are friends with.
So yeah, that's my thing.
Bye.
Is he jealous?
That's the question, right?
Well, you know, it's too much.
I don't need to know that about you.
No.
But listen, he moved into the house.
Doesn't sound like he's got a girlfriend.
And she is having sex every which way till Sunday.
New positions.
But it's not just the positions.
Is he maybe sitting here in his room playing fucking Switch 2 and thinking...
Maybe.
He needs to be a Switch 2.
But I'm like, why doesn't...
The question is, I think we're all asking, what's going on with you having sex with her?
Right.
Right.
Right?
Right.
They sound like they're like super close.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And maybe there was something.
I feel like they were meant to ultimately be together.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That does.
I did get the feeling.
Yeah, there was a couple of the way that he said certain things is like, you guys are friends.
He feels close to her.
Like, that's obviously his friends.
And I have like a number of female friends.
And even if they became insatiable sex addicts and I lived with them, I would not have sex with them.
That's true.
Because I value our friendship and I'm gay.
But the, but like, and I understand, so I understand that if he's like talking from that perspective.
But on the other hand, like, you know, there's a piece of this puzzle where not.
I agree.
I agree.
Well, it's also like, I'm trying to think about it.
Like, it feels like the part of the problem is that she, because they're so close, she's telling him all about this stuff, right?
And she's like, like, it's her new hobby.
She loves doing this kinky sex.
Is she also, was he also hearing the sex or is that not part of it?
Is there anything to mention it?
He didn't mention it, but how could you, like, here's the thing?
It's having sex with roommates in the house.
Yeah.
It's difficult.
Yeah.
And so that's why you always go, shh, every time my roommate will hear us.
Right.
Which is fun.
It's difficult.
It's difficult.
Yeah, because it's like, we're in the French resistance.
I'm glad I don't have to, because, you know, I can't pee in the urinal with somebody nearby.
No, he can't.
He can't.
It's a whole thing.
It's a whole thing.
Oh, I want to get in.
You know, I've, you know, well, I'll say this.
I've been there.
Yeah, I've been there.
And I'm working through that.
It really depends on the design and the type of divider and the divider.
There were just ambient music in the bathroom would really help.
But we've talked about this before.
We don't need to get into it.
But I think that would.
I'm glad I don't have a roommate to have to deal with that.
Heavy flow, long dick.
They can tell when I'm in that fucking room.
And that is no shame.
I'll turn around.
I'll piss on the floor.
Butt to the fucking urinal right there.
Show you what I'm working with.
But yeah, it is tough.
And hearing roommates have sex, there is a bit of titillation to it.
It appears that Chester's making mouth deceive me.
I wonder who the lucky damsel is.
But on the flip side, sometimes they're hitting it in a crazy way.
I used to live in this building that was like, it had just shared a light well with this guy and this woman.
Actually, I don't know who was in charge here, but they were fucking like beasts all the time.
And sometimes it would just be you'd wake up at one in the morning and you'd think you were having an auditory hallucination because you would hear this sort of, you know, sort of sounds like some demented child comfort himself.
And you're like, what is going on?
And I would look out the window and I would see them thrusting.
I'm not kidding.
I could see them perfectly.
They always had a little red light on.
Really?
Like a bordello, yeah.
Across the way or next door?
It was on Hay Street in San Francisco, and it was like I lived in this disgraced podiatrist's house.
And he who spent all of our fucking rent money in Reno every weekend with the husband of the psychic who had a shop downstairs, who also robbed my girlfriend of her, not her, her room, or excuse me, her co-worker.
Long story, psychic ripped off somebody of a lot of money, and then they spent it all in Reno.
But so I was just paying for this guy to gamble every fucking weekend.
He was a disbarred podiatrist.
So I should say disgraced and disbarred.
He's no longer allowed to practice podiatry.
But our house was like basically connected to our neighbor's house.
Like there was like a centimeter between them.
And so in our like little alley where we had the garbage, like I could just see into it's not a light well, but that's how it functioned because that's where my window was.
And that's the only light we got.
And so I, but I would see down.
I lived on the third floor.
I could see them in the first floor thrusting.
Wow.
Thrusting.
It is funny, though.
It does like if you hear people fucking like once or something, you're like, oh, people are having sex.
That's kind of funny.
But then it over time, it does, it is weird or something.
Or it's like there's something weird about over, I know, it does something to you.
Because it's like you're a voyeur without wanting to be.
Right.
Yeah, totally.
So you're a little bit being molested.
Right?
You know what I'm saying?
So you should call the police if you ever hear your roommate having sex.
I want to go to the most they-them message we ever got.
And I mean no disrespect by that.
That's just you'll understand what I'm talking about.
Yep.
Is that a piece of gum right there?
Is there some candy in the middle of that table?
You want some candy?
Can I?
Yeah, that's a great thing to chew during them.
Yeah, yeah, why don't you fill your mouth with something?
Really bad candy that Sweetwater sends you.
I like sweetwater.
I love sweetwater, but the candy is not good.
Let's be real about that.
Keep this in.
Sweetwater, if you're listening, and the phone calls, we don't need to call me.
He's the producer.
But the candy that you send, we love that you send it and don't stop, but it's not good candy.
I like Josh from Sweetwater.
He has a very kind voice.
I like when he leaves me.
They replace all those fools with AI.
You know that, right?
I still, I'll miss Josh.
Hi, True and On, calling in for the hate episode.
So I lived with 12 friends in a big apartment in college through the whole pandemic.
We must be stayed friends, but there's a couple of famous stories from that period.
First one, a couple who lived with us left their used dildos underneath the living room couch.
I think another couple in the apartment left a used condom on the couch one time.
Second, My roommate tried to intimidate one of our subletters by aggressively shaving the pills from our couch with a straight razor.
And third, another subletter had a manic episode and stole everyone's money and vibrants and had to be picked up by her parents the next day.
So yeah, fun apartment full of heinostites.
Wow.
Wow.
This is, I'm just saying, like, so I don't know.
Maybe I mislabeled that.
It's not the most they then message we ever gotten.
We've gotten much more they-than ones.
But I just, and I have a question.
Do you guys went to college?
Did you live in dorms?
Yes.
For a part of it, yeah.
Yes.
Very, I would lived in a fraternity house.
Wow.
You would or did you?
I did?
I did.
Yeah.
I was in a dorm for like a month and then I joined the fraternity.
Wow.
I guess it never, you were in a fraternity?
Yeah.
It doesn't come up often.
What, fraternity?
No, a fraternity of what?
Of men.
I mean, we're just going to have to hit that with the pause, my brother.
I don't know what else to say to you.
You purposely lived with a bunch of men?
It's like I got to college.
First of all, my dorm was all men.
Huh.
And then it was like, I didn't know what fraternities were, but like these guys were like, do you want to smoke weed?
And I said, yeah.
And then I was like, these guys are cool.
And they said, do you want to join us and move in?
And I was like, yeah.
Did they hurt you?
No.
No hazing?
No, it was very chill.
I mean, you had to smoke a huge bong.
Like that was the beginning of.
Was it fun?
It might have been funner living in a frat than in a dorm.
Yeah.
I mean, who knows?
I think it probably was.
Yeah.
I had a good time in college.
Yeah.
Sounds like you did.
The way you're talking about it.
It didn't like change my life.
You know, I don't really keep in touch with those people, but it was fine.
I went to a very nerdy.
It was like super nerdy.
Nerdy college.
Where'd you go?
Carnegie Mellon.
Oh, cool.
Dude.
I feel like that's a cool.
The frats there are probably cool to go on a rip bong and go on the computer.
It was not the Jewish fraternity, to be clear.
I thought those guys were losers.
Oh.
Yours was Greek, though?
I mean, in the sense that they're not.
Were there sororities?
Yes.
That's awesome.
Did they come over?
Not really.
What?
I feel like it was more non-sex having.
I mean, some people, you know.
You got to understand, my version of college in my head is from old school.
Yeah.
Porkies.
What's the other movie where they're in college?
You know what I'm talking about?
The famous one?
Animal House.
Animal House, obviously.
That's fine.
And that's basically it.
Right.
And so I think college, I'm like, it's awesome.
Like, it's just so American party.
You're just partying.
It's so cool.
Like, oh, school, fuck you.
You know, like, whoop, fuck, could you cool fucking cutstand?
And so I don't, because they didn't ever let me in.
One time I went to Santa Barbara to play a show when I was a teenager.
And it was during the night that school opened or whatever.
So there's all these parties on Isla Vista, which is obviously they have their own STD that comes from there, which we all know about.
And I was like, wow, college.
And we were walking around and we went to a frat party.
And then out the window, we just see these frat guys.
No, we steal beer.
And then these frat guys think another guy who's like randomly there stole the beer and they beat him with rocks.
And we're like, dude, you watch this.
Yeah.
No, it was fucked up.
We didn't say anything.
What was your feeling when you were watching?
I mean, that's a crazy thing.
I went, oh, no.
Oh, no.
No, no.
But then what do you do?
Because there's no, like, I'm like 16.
What do you do?
Go up to him.
Hey, it's me.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry, these guys, you guys are beating with rocks like fucking savage animals.
No.
Oh, you meant to be beating me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Stone me.
Yes.
You know, get me.
And I saw a naked lady or guy.
No, it was a lady outside.
I just remember someone naked pounding on the outside of her apartment door while her roommates were like looking out the window, making fun of her.
They locked her out.
Was this like college for you guys?
I went to art school, so it was super September Piercings and stuff.
Oh, lots of those stick and poke tattoos.
Some suicides.
Some suicides.
I'm trying to think.
I was just sitting in my dome, just sitting and reading and feeling guilty.
You were.
Where'd you go?
That's just liberal arts college, just sitting around feeling so guilty.
For what?
Just being alive.
White.
For being white.
You can say it.
Say it.
Wow.
Dude, so college sucks.
It's good.
I had a great time.
I loved college.
I had medium.
You didn't like it.
You didn't like it.
You went to liberal arts school.
I went to liberal arts school.
What'd you major in?
I majored in sculpture.
You're a fucking idiot.
What do you major in?
Sculpture.
You're a fucking idiot, too.
What did you major in?
I was creative writing and music.
All right, you're fucking stupid, too.
What is wrong with you guys?
What do you went to college to have fun?
I'm going to be Bach here.
What are you guys saying?
You go to college to learn how to be Gordon Gecko, Wharton School of Business.
Yeah, everybody around me was like electrical engineering and like having a nervous breakdown.
And I was having a good time.
And then I got to become a software engineer anyway.
So those guys were fucking dumb.
You guys were just like, oh, sculpture.
Yeah, I was like, sculpture.
Because they were like, you could do whatever you want in this.
And everyone was kind of like, you know, which was kind of cool.
And then I was like, oh, I want to make movies and videos.
And then that, you know, took over.
Sculptures, you know.
Jeez.
Jeez.
Would you guys ever make a sculpture?
Oh, yeah.
Not since then.
What's your most badass sculpture you made?
Achilles?
No?
No Greeks?
None of the Greeks?
No.
No, I made a sculpture.
I made big sculptures.
I carved.
You carved.
Out of styrofoam.
I made giant.
Yeah.
Can you imagine with a long knife?
That's awesome.
The sound, though, you're right.
Those are known as swords.
Huh?
No.
So you did like a cause style.
Yeah, they were kind of cause style vibes, dude.
They were kind of violent.
They were like kind of fucked up, cause style, styrofoam.
I like them, you know.
What did you make?
I made, I did like, I got into like prosthetics, like medical prosthetics.
And I would make like little, it was just some conceptual art bullshit.
But it was like, I made like a mask that like I was re I think I read an article that like if you smile all the time, it gives you more endorphins.
So I did like, I made a mask of like a thing of my face and then I basically kept my mouth smiling for like 24 hours a day and shit like that.
I just did stuff like that.
You know, just like I've seen it like that.
It's cool.
I like that sculpture.
I have vampire fangs.
You do?
Not real ones.
But no, they're real in that, but I got a, they're prosthetic.
Oh, dude.
Yeah.
You can put them in.
Yeah, I can put them in.
They're custom, dude.
And they look and they look real.
They look real.
You know, Izzy?
Yeah.
Izzy made them.
Izzy Galindo.
Izzy Galindo.
But the goat.
Izzy GOAT.
Shout out to Izzy Galindo.
Dude, Izzy.
That's it.
See, if you're listening.
Have you been to the Izzy Izzy basement?
I have.
The basement's awesome.
Dude, that is like...
His kitchen.
It's so cool.
It's like the cool, all that like behind the scenes, like, you know, prosthetic stuff is amazing.
Basement Squats and Vampire Fangs00:02:28
And then you meet him, you go there.
It's like you're on a Hollywood set or something.
It's so cool.
He made those for you?
He made them for me.
Do they just cap over your tooth?
Oh, yeah.
Dude, that's so cool.
No, no, it's a whole mouth.
Oh.
Oh, wow.
I think.
Yeah, no, it's whole mouth.
It's really hard to.
Oh, sorry.
It's my doorbell.
It's really hard to talk.
It's your security system.
Yeah.
Who the fuck's at the crib?
Dude, I do have a good time.
You have to kiss while you do that.
You do have a camera.
Yeah, but it's like a doorbell camera.
It's not my doorbell.
Sure, sure.
Okay, last one.
Hey, Truanon.
So I went to college in Western Massachusetts.
In my sophomore year, I ended up in this house off campus with these two dudes who were kind of what we used to call Hotep.
Great guys, just lots of things like Anks and Eyes of Horace and fractal art around the house.
We lived in an old schoolhouse on a farm with an unfinished basement.
One day, my roommate was like, hey, man, we're going to have a buddy squat in our basement.
He just got out of prison, needs a place to stay while he figures shit out.
The dude who moved in was like this 5'5 Jack Trinidadian dude who slept on the floor and ate biryani all the time.
Here's the good part, though.
He turned the basement into a Japanese bondage dungeon and would practice kinbaku on a rotating gallery of female subjects who'd file in nightly for hours of ritualized BDSM.
Kinbaku, I'm looking it up.
Ooh, often referred in the West as Shibari, Japanese ghost bondage.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, I was only 19, so the idea of falling asleep on ex-con was binding women in the basement and performing extreme sexual acts while they screamed in agony and pleasure was not exactly something I would have signed up for.
My favorite memory of this experience was going down to the basement and seeing the literal spider's web he created to suspend these women off the ground.
The room had no heat, one bare bulb, and was as dank as filthy as something out of Hellraiser.
Great film.
I'll leave you with this.
The only time I remember him screaming was when he'd have his female bodybuilder come over and they'd swap roles.
She was his dom, and so now I had to go to sleep with him screaming his head off.
Wow.
That sounds pretty cool and interesting.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to be honest.
Super interesting.
Sounds like a really good experience when you're 19.
Never after in your life, that becomes less of a good experience the older it gets through.
But when you're 19, here's the deal.
If you're listening to this podcast and you're like 19, you can take anything.
It's true.
Yeah.
It's fine.
You're screaming.
For sure.
It is fucking fine.
Solo Poly and Screaming Sleepovers00:15:15
It's going to be okay.
And you should.
And you should actually, I genuinely think you should.
Put yourself in as many bad situations as possible because you'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
You know?
Totally.
I mean, he should try that shit.
You should learn how to do some Shibari.
I know.
I'm like.
It's very technical.
It seems very technical.
Yeah.
It is crazy to go to prison and then be like, no, I'm the jailer.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I guess it does make sense, but I'm like, to women, there wasn't any in there.
I didn't do that to you.
This is, I just don't understand.
So many people are into.
Actually, sorry, last one.
Last one, then we're done.
No, no, no.
Do a couple solo poly roommates.
Okay.
Hey, first time, long time, whatever.
Since you guys are on the polyamory beat, I want to tell you guys about how I became polyphobic.
I had a housemate who was, I guess, solo poly, like they didn't have a partner, but they were dating a lot.
And they also had, like, a ton of dietary restrictions, like they were vegan and also like a whole bunch of other stuff, which is fine.
And I understand it.
And I don't want anyone to have a tummy ache, whatever.
But that meant that they couldn't ever go on a date at a restaurant, I guess.
So a first date with them was a home-cooked, dietary restriction-friendly meal at our house.
And they started picking up like a ton of first dates.
And I think at the peak, it felt like there were like three or five home cooked first dates a week and like a revolving door of strangers from Lex or Hing or Tender, whatever.
And I had COVID and at one point I was like hacking up along and I had to tell them, hey, I'm hacking up along and I have to walk through the dining room to go to the bathroom.
Can we maybe pause on the dates or like go somewhere else to have a date?
And anyway, I'm not going to conflict.
And the ultimate resolution was that I moved out and I swore I would never have a housemate ever again.
And now I just think that poly people throw away every social norm because of relationship anarchy.
But that's my beef.
Love you, Pie.
Wow.
Wow.
Poly solo.
So I introduced these two gentlemen to solo polyamory, which they had never heard of, despite being in the corporate world of media, where I presume you had trainings about this kind of stuff.
Solo poly, for those who don't know, is a type of polyamorous configuration.
Solo poly, people tend to see themselves as their own primary.
They usually have multiple separate or intertwined polyamorous dynamics.
They're committed to their polyamorous relationships, and they don't depend on the relationship escalator to express their commitment.
Wow.
Some jargon there I'm not entirely familiar with, but I'm learning.
So what are you doing in this situation?
Well, I think it's good to, you know, it's weird to like break it down like that, but you know, you should have a great relationship with yourself.
Yeah, like that should be a given.
Like you should be your primary, right?
Like, I don't know, but I thought it was like a schizophrenic thing that you had multiple versions of yourself that you were dating and getting yourself off with.
That's correct.
I will be honest that, you know, without looking into it at all, just a witchy guess from me that this probably co-occurs with DID quite often, associative identity disorder, which I am a lay expert on.
Yes, yes.
But I'm like, but if my neighbor was cooking a fucking vegan meal five times a week in that, here's the reality with vegans, and we love them.
We love them.
They do fart like a motherfucker.
Right.
And so think of it from our collar's perspective.
She's out there.
She's got COVID.
Actually, she can't smell.
So this does dock a point from her.
She's out there.
And so there's just somebody who's solo poly cooking up a fucking, you know, I don't know what, Brussels sprouts and, you know, beans and the veggie tofu pups three times a fucking, five times a week.
And she's just out there with some fucking, you know, sleeve tattoo, the t-shirt that's a large, but he's in XL.
That t-shirt's got like some bullshit on it.
I don't even know what.
And, you know, he's got his little fucking, you know, can't little canvas shoes.
It's just, and he's just got his fucking big ass Septipus and they're just out there farting and chomping, farting and chomping.
As he slowly grows more tumescent, she gets her shit, whatever happens to them.
And then they go and they make some farting love in the other room.
And you're just like, dude, I wish I was dead.
That's what's happening, right?
Right, yeah, right, right.
You paint a vivid picture, and now I'm beginning to really understand.
Five times a week.
Five times a week is a lot to bring a new guy in there.
Yeah, that's a lot.
That's a lot of strangers coming through.
You know?
Well, what do you think about this?
Yeah.
I mean, I think that also just, you know, that aside, you're also creating a crazy mess in the kitchen five times a week, too.
Because you know that those dishes aren't getting done.
Because they're fucking.
Right.
Because then they're leaving.
That's a great point.
So you're soaping and soaking.
Yeah.
Right.
And then going to the room.
I mean, maybe Soaping.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe just soaking.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, geez.
It's just, this is what I mean by roommates can be jailers.
Right.
But on the other hand, a problem one encounters living with other people is, first of all, yes, the person who has people over constantly for lovemaking sessions or people over constantly for whatever reasons.
But then also the boyfriend or girlfriend who is now living with you a little bit.
And that is a tough to go down.
We don't know.
And they don't really know even fully yet until roommate situations are kind of nightmares.
Maybe more than neighbor situations.
Oh, yeah.
Because you're just like, I think they're more like worse in an acute way.
Like immediately.
Really bad quickly.
Yeah.
You know, like sometimes neighbor disputes take maybe a couple, they can take years.
Right.
But this can happen in a day or an hour.
Yeah.
And then you're in a second changes.
And then you're like, well, I guess I'll move out next year.
Yeah.
I guess I'll wait until my lease is up in nine months.
Oh, cool.
Like, I'll find another room or whatever.
I mean, because that's the thing is, if you're in a beef with your neighbor, okay, you might not want to go outside because he's going to film you.
But if you're in a beef with your roommate, you're stuck in your fucking room and you have to scurry to the kitchen.
You have to scurry, and you might stop making meals.
Oh, man.
You might stop taking bath.
You start peeing in bottles.
You start a four-hour bath.
You start peeing in bottles.
That's the thing is it can be very living with other people because so many people are crazy.
This is my view.
So many people are crazy.
And if you've lived in cities or roommate situations your whole life, you'll notice that like sometimes even people you don't think are crazy.
Yeah.
Totally.
It also has to do with your personality.
Ultimately, are you kind of a little bitch and you don't want to make conflict?
So you don't call it out, so you avoid it.
Because sometimes maybe, you know, it's easier to have a roommate if you're willing to fight with them more.
Yes and no, I think.
Because I think for me, I love conflict sometimes, but then other times I hate it.
But for me, the risk is always, I don't love conflict, but I'm not averse to it.
But the risk is always, is this person about to unleash a side of their personality that is so heinously insane that they will win by default if I push them?
Yeah, totally.
And so sometimes when someone's doing something really strange, that speaks to like a like love crafty and depth of like unknown, unseen horrors that lurk within their soul that you being like, hey, could you not poo on the floor sometimes might unlock.
And so that, I think like we're all a little afraid of that.
Yeah.
What are you afraid that they might like do or say to you that might just like like there's no coming back from like how what I mean throwing shit around you know I mean I've getting physical getting physical like you know screaming at you every time you see them right breaking your shit breaking your stuff I mean I've I've Had some, I've seen some situations go down.
I've had some situations go down where you're just like, What?
What's going on, man?
You know, it's good that that caller moved out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was really the thing to do.
Yeah.
That's the nice thing with the roommate thing, too.
You can ultimately move out.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Maybe financially.
I don't know.
Yeah.
But unless you had a really good deal.
Yeah.
You know?
Then you got to get them out.
Which is always, I feel like when I talk to my friends who have roommates and they have a great house, they're like, fuck, like, how do I hold this shit down?
Yeah.
Which is interesting because maybe if we think about all these from that perspective, maybe some of these people have left where they got pushed out.
Yeah.
That's the point.
I mean, you have to think about that.
There's also, this is something I've learned in my many years doing a show.
There's two sides to every story.
That's a really good point, Bruce.
Sometimes there's more.
That's interesting.
Solo poly.
Three, four, five.
Solo poly situations.
There could be infinite infinite sides to that coin.
But I want to end on one that combines a lot of what we're talking about, which is polycule with rabbits.
Oh, yeah.
I love this.
Hi, True Anon, subscriber, longtime listener, loving this hate line.
I live in Los Angeles.
At one point, I was living with my ex and her polycue when I was desperate for housing.
The exit also makes up our names all the time.
Needless to say, they were the messiest and dirtiest people, not being the queer polycule allegations.
Anyway, they had pet rabbits.
They kept in a cage outside and only fed them hay.
And they would eat their own shit because they had no food.
One time I confronted one of the polycule members and said, if you can't take care of these rabbits, the best thing to do is give them up.
And then I got screamed at, told I hate disabled people and what have you.
And then eventually one of the two rabbits died at one year old when they can normally live at 14.
Anyway, well, the story is: do not live with your ex, especially if that ex is attracted to 18-year-olds and only eats food-dyed mac and cheese and hard-boiled eggs.
Thanks.
Love you.
Man.
Caller, thank you so much for that.
Wow.
Jeez.
Jeez.
I mean, what can you say?
I don't know.
People live such crazy lives.
I don't know.
It's just no, that's just, it's true.
Yeah, it's just true.
It's just true.
How do you find yourselves in these types of situations?
So she, her ex decided to be in a polyamorous relationship while they were still together?
Or just live in that?
There was a little confusion on my part when it comes to that because I'm like, were you in the polyamorous relationship?
But then it made it sound like she was living with her ex as a roommate.
Right.
And he became polyamorous, or there was a poly couple that moved in.
It seems like there was a polycule that maybe she wasn't a part of, or now she feels like, what was I doing?
Right, right.
Yeah, that was confusing.
I think that she, that she's not involved in the relationship, I think.
Yeah.
Because it wouldn't be her ex, she wouldn't refer to him as the ex then.
Yeah.
The rabbit thing is that really painted a disgusting portrait of that guy.
I mean, I just hate the killing of the rabbits.
Yeah, and you know that.
Starving the rabbits.
Yeah, those cages were disgusting.
Oh, yeah.
It's just like you have these two little Shibari prisoners in the fucking backyard.
It's not serious.
Well, no, I'm not about that, but it is like.
They're doing Shibari on the rabbits.
Jesus, dude.
Just at least don't do Shibari.
I'm just like, dude, it's just, I feel like what happens is people who are a little bit maybe not feeling so good group up with other people who are maybe not feeling so good.
And then they maybe make each other not feel so good together, but they feel good because they're seeing their behavior mirrored in another person.
Right.
They're like, this is normal.
Right, right.
But like, I really, if you're in a situation like this and you're maybe one of those people who's like, you're taking your hay out to the rabbits right now.
Yeah.
And you're like, that's not about me.
Think about it right now.
Are you happy?
Right.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
You know, are you?
Are you?
Is this for you?
Because you have a choice.
You have a choice.
You have a choice with this.
You do.
It is the dietary, getting caught.
This is also, speaking of what we were just talking about, you don't want to be like, hey, can you not shit on the sink?
Because by the way, listeners, there are so many calls we're not playing about roommates shitting on the floor, bathtub, or sink.
It is genuinely, we have dozens of them.
You can choose one poop story.
I can choose a shit story.
Absolutely.
Maybe one shit story.
That would be, let's do.
Oh, wait.
Fuck.
Actually, we need to play the Hot Wheels one.
The Hot Wheels one.
The Hot Wheels one, we gotta do.
I might have not even put any shit ones in.
Hot Wheels one.
You know what?
This is a mea culpa on me.
I didn't put any of the shit ones in because there was too many shit ones.
That's fine.
But they exist.
I think it was such a wall of shit that you decided, you know.
Yeah, that I was like, listen, and because some of them were just like, oh man, you might have just, you just wrote it down as an observation to some.
Yeah.
There was somebody who was like, my, this Russian guy moved into my house and he just kept shitty on the fucking tub.
And I was like, oh, let's do the Hot Wheels one because I think this one says a lot as well.
I think this is also, we're hearing a lot of Pauli stuff, but let's hear maybe the opposite of that.
Okay.
Well, I named it, my roommate is a bum addicted to Hot Wheels.
Wow.
Because this is the other thing, too.
Sometimes you live with some people and you're like, brother, you need to get out of the house.
Yeah.
There's people that are in there all day, every day, and they're not doing anything.
And you're like, you are unhappy.
Yeah.
Even if you think you're happy, I know you're unhappy.
Let's get out there in that big white world.
Big wide world.
Because it's doing something to the feng shui in the house, too.
Just the lurking presence in the house is difficult.
If there's a guy that's always home, that's hard.
Because it's just a guy always in your house.
He's not your roommate anymore.
Exactly.
But it also just starts to feel like it's kind of his crib because he's there the most of all.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah.
And you're like, oh, I guess he needs it more than I do.
You know, he really likes being here.
Guess it's sort of your house now.
All right.
So my roommate story is: I have this roommate, and he has no motion.
Lurking Roommates and Feng Shui00:04:01
He has no play.
He doesn't go anywhere.
And I shit you not.
He plays the Hot Wheels online racing game and genuinely rages out of control to the point that it interrupts my sleep because he's like yelling at the TV about fucking Hot Wheels.
Also, I came home one day and he set up a Hot Wheels mega ramp down our staircase.
Love you guys.
Thanks.
I mean, that's awesome.
That's the thing.
Okay, him playing.
I've never lived with a gamer.
Yeah.
No, me either.
Yeah.
We got to hear him out.
Because maybe people are hacking.
That's true.
Like, what if they are cheating?
Right.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, for sure.
That's really frustrating.
There's also hella kids are fucking rude as fuck these days.
And so maybe some kids call him Unk or whatever on there.
He's like, fuck you.
Fuck you.
I'm fucking 23.
You know?
It is funny, though, like when he started.
First of all, I didn't know there was a Hot Wheels video game.
I didn't know.
Yeah, I didn't really.
But I thought that was lame.
But real Hot Wheels.
I know.
I would even say that that's a step forward.
That's a progression where he's slowly moving outside.
He's building his Hot Wheel rigs down the stairs.
Like a sculpture.
Yeah, and then maybe one day it goes out the window into the front yard and he brings in other people to also race the cars with him.
You know, like it's just, that could be a really good thing.
He's building.
What do my analysts say about this?
If I told her I was doing this, which I will next session.
But she was like, are you building a bridge somewhere?
Yeah.
Where are you trying to get to?
What is he building?
You said it was like a school shooter?
What?
I thought you said it was like a school shooter.
No, the sculpture.
He's making a sculpture.
I think from a sports point of view, it's very exciting.
Yeah, yes.
Because it is also a little bit like a guy who's like playing Grand Theft Auto, and then he was like, dude, what if I did this and fucking math class?
Right, right, right.
You know, right.
Okay, we got to hear one more, one more, just one more.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's do it.
I love this Hot Wheels one, though.
I feel like this guy.
Let him build.
Let him let him build.
Let him build.
Exactly.
Actually, you know what?
Here's what you do.
Why don't you fucking get some Hot Wheels?
This is like my advice to everybody.
If you can't beat them, join them.
Just join them.
If your roommate's crazy leaves all the dishes in the sink, fucking leave your dishes in the sink.
God will take care of it.
You know, if your roommates are having sex all the time, fuck it.
Have sex all the time.
Have more sex.
More sex.
If your roommates shit on the fucking floor, shit.
Shit in their bed.
I don't know.
That is really funny.
All right, we will not be doing my roommate as a schizophrenic pedophile because that's pretty much the entirety of that message.
How about this one?
I thought this one was strange.
Roommate jacked off before adult baptism.
Okay.
Strange flavor.
Okay.
All right.
This one is strange.
I found this.
I think I actually.
Well, let's listen to this.
You think this is about you?
No.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Let's not play that one.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
I would actually suck.
I don't think it's adult baptism when that shit's played.
Are you baptized, though?
No.
What religion are you?
I grew up Unitarian.
Unitarian?
Yes.
Which is a nothing.
It's a nothing.
You got to be kidding.
It's a Marin.
It's a Marin religion.
That's incredible.
What is Unitarian?
I don't know what that is.
Brother.
You're looking at it.
I am literally the embodiment of Unitarianism.
Yeah, for sure.
Wow.
What genuinely what it is?
Seems good.
We don't know.
It's basically like, I mean, I don't actually fully understand what it is either, but it's something along the lines of we believe in everything and everyone.
And anyone can come to this place of worship and worship whatever they want.
Kind of.
It's the most lesbian pastor situation you will ever encounter.
Gotcha.
It's extremely open-ended.
Yes.
Radically.
I used to go to Unitarian church, not for services, every once in a while.
Unitarian Church and Lesbian Pastors00:05:26
And I was always like looking around.
I was like, because I was in my early 20s.
I was like, what are these people?
Are these Christians?
Yeah.
And I still don't really know.
Yeah.
I don't fully know either.
I don't fully know.
Seems like anything you want.
Yeah.
Did you go to services?
Yeah, when I was born in Denver, when I lived in Denver, my family would take me there.
And then we went to the one in San Francisco, and it was like total chaos.
That's where I used to go.
It was total, like everyone was fighting about how to be more accepting and not being accepting enough.
And then it was just like my mom and dad were like, no, thanks.
Everyone's speaking in tongues, but they're like, just whatever tongue you feel like.
Yeah, yeah.
We're worshiping here.
What about you?
What religion?
Jewish.
Fishman?
Yeah.
Not like diamonds.
They were like.
It's a bit of a, it's a bit of a speaking of Lovecraft, it's a bit of a Lovecraftian name.
Fishman.
Yeah.
Really?
Like a fishman?
Yeah.
I wonder.
I wonder where he came from.
My ancestors.
Where am I?
You're from the Northeast.
When am I?
That's an interesting fish.
Fish, fishman.
Well, you've got a rare.
You have some people, first name, first name.
Last name, last name.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Carverson is kind of a last name, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
What's the middle?
Benjamin.
Yahoo.
Right.
Right.
Which is the first thing that came to my heart, but that's just how it worked.
We could do Benjamin Franklin, too.
You're tapping in right now.
Tapping in.
Benjamin Franklin.
Dude, love Benjamin Franklin.
We fuck with Benjamin Franklin.
He's from Philly, so Benjamin Franklin is your goat.
She's the goat.
Everything.
He built that shit.
He built that shit.
Was he also kind of shaped like an ancient building?
Yeah, like he's he looks like when you see the domes and the rotundas, you're kind of like that looks like Benjamin Franklin.
He's like people who choose their dogs that look like them.
He's like designing Philadelphia.
And then he was like, I need people to see it better.
My electricity.
That's so cool.
Imagine Joe Biden invented like a microchip.
You know what I'm saying?
That's crazy.
He's kind of vibing, I feel like.
What was his job, even?
You don't even know because they think he was president.
They were like, they just gave him the reading jobs.
Like, yeah, post office, go to France.
Yeah.
Yeah, he loved the French lady.
He was a francophile.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
It's interesting.
We don't know much about this guy, really.
I would like to learn more about this.
He's one of our most mysterious sounding fathers.
Yeah.
Because all the other ones became president, I assume.
Yeah, for sure.
But George Washington, too, we don't really know so much.
Really?
We don't know so much about it.
We do, but we don't.
Because we know about the cherry tree.
I was going to say, yeah.
We know about the wig, but that's confusing because that was also the name of a political party back then.
We know about wooden teeth.
The teeth, yeah.
The teeth thing is, but that can't be real.
That's disputed.
Yeah, it's disputed, right?
Because there would be pictures of him with them out.
Well, no, but there are no pictures.
Well, there'd be paintings.
Right.
Paintings.
The slowest picture of all.
The slowest sculpture of all the other.
Paintings.
They lied.
They fucking lied.
Who lied?
They're fucking painting him.
He's like, no, no, change that.
Too fat.
Yeah.
Too fat.
He's like, oh, put more white hair on me.
Now they got AI George Washington talking to Glenn Bowen.
Oh, that's awesome.
I know.
That is the type of shit that we're about.
Once Liz is gone for longer, we're doing that kind of shit.
We're talking to AI fucking Benjamin Franklin.
So tell me about yourself, man.
Like, what was it like?
George Washington.
It could be cool.
Would you get the idea?
Because most other people were like, no, we're part of England.
But you were like, no.
Because that's about what?
Like, where these guys got their ideas.
Yeah.
You know?
Yes.
Because before Reels, like, what was what did Benjamin Franklin do at like 10 p.m.?
Pamphlets.
Yeah.
Pamphlets.
But you can't read.
Well, they could read.
But not by the torchlight.
Right.
That's where they had the pin sniz.
Dude, Benjamin Franklin must have been doing the most weird shit ever in his off time.
Because they said that I remember reading somewhere that he would take air baths where he would just be naked in the bathtub and open the window and just lay there.
Awesome.
I know, but like that, and that's recorded.
Yeah.
What is the shit that's not recorded?
Yeah, he was like, do not record.
Like, he was secondary.
He's like, don't put down that I did that.
I know.
I wonder, like, it's, it's, but you think he had piercings?
Like, what did they?
Because who was the first guy with those?
You know what I mean?
Besides ear, right, right.
And I guess pirates sometimes had nipple.
No.
Really?
In my imagination.
No, they probably did.
No, they're probably strong, hunky, sort of North African pirates, you know.
And he's got nipple piercings in his vest.
It's open and he has you in his arms.
He's like, he's like, I'll take you from your merchant ship.
Because I've been Shanghai, obviously, which is part of why George Washington did his whole thing.
And we're attacked by these fucking, you know, Barbary pirates.
And he's like, come on, come with me.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Because that happened to some white boys.
And he puts you in a Shibari.
Yeah.
No, but some white boys.
That happens to some white boys.
Wow.
Yeah, that's true.
I kind of did that a little bit.
But they did.
Sometimes the Barbaries would take some white boys.
The Muslims would take some white boys.
Yeah.
And you'd become a Muslim pirate.
Really?
Laundry Disrespect and Nipple Piercings00:15:37
Yeah.
Wait, when?
When was this?
Like, 1600s?
1600?
16000?
Yeah.
But I think 1600.
When the fuck was a Reconquista?
Why are you looking at me?
You're the worst Jamie in the business.
When was the reconquista?
Siri.
Oh, way before I was talking about it.
So, like, probably like the 1200, some of this stuff was happening.
But I think this stuff also happened later.
Yeah, but they would take them without them wanting to be taken.
Are they just taken because they want to go?
Have you ever been picked up by like a Moroccan guy who weighs like 215, all muscle, no body fat?
He's fucking 6'1.
You've only ever seen other 5'4 white British guys before in your life.
He's bald.
He's got two giant gold earrings.
He's got nipple piercings, and he's wearing a fucking vest of a type which you have never even imagined.
And he's picking you up and he's like, You are coming with me.
Yes.
You're like, Absolutely.
You know, let's do what's up?
Jack Off.
What is it?
Jacked off before adult baptism.
Oh, jerked off before adult baptism.
Hello, TrueNPOD.
This is like a roommate thing.
I'm in college, and my roommate, what he likes to do is watch those like AI recap videos.
You know, the ones where it's like, oh, the woman, you'll never believe what happened in her life next.
He likes to watch those videos.
No headphones, full volume.
Hand down pants on penis.
Non-sexual.
Sometimes sexual.
I have walked in on here and masturbating.
But he just likes to sit there hours, just hand on penis, AI videos blaring.
Another time, a couple months back, he invited me to his baptism.
And then, like, I don't talk to this fucking guy.
And I wasn't going to go to his baptism.
I felt bad.
But like a day before the baptism, he texts me.
He's like, hey, baptism got rescheduled.
Priest died.
Then a month later, like the day before his actual baptism, I wake up.
It's like two in the morning.
I look over.
He's just jerking his shit.
He's just cranking his fucking hog.
And I'm like, what the fuck?
You're about to be baptized.
Yeah.
Thank you for listening to an art pod.
Bye.
Hold up.
Okay.
You look over and he's jacking off.
Yeah.
Are you in the army?
Didn't he say it was college roommate?
Right now.
Oh, I didn't miss that part.
Yeah.
College roommate.
College roommate.
Same room.
Same room.
So, but can you not?
You're not allowed to jerk off.
I think the baptism, isn't it washing away the sin?
So he's going to be a little bit more.
Yeah, exactly.
It's like before your wedding, it's like a bachelor party.
I thought that maybe he was scared that he was going to get an erection while getting the baptism.
Does he have to be naked?
Mate, I don't think so.
You're no one.
I'm not positive about this, but I don't think you have to be naked.
But you show your character.
You're not, bro.
I don't know anything.
I would show up to the baptism just butt naked.
Okay, guys, let's go.
I'm naked.
Where are you baptized?
I know.
Well, that is like, maybe he was so full of rage.
Right.
Well, isn't it?
Can't you not jack off?
Can you jack off?
Like, if you're Catholic.
No.
You have to confess it.
You can do it, and then you just go to confession.
If you do it from somebody else, isn't that already kind of like a confession?
If it's a brief, isn't that a secret?
Right.
No longer secret sign here.
Yeah.
Just jerked off.
I just have to do this.
So wait, in Catholicism, I just have, I can do whatever I want, but I just have to go tell some fucking guy.
I think so.
Wow.
Wow.
No wonder this fool was getting baptized.
Interesting.
Wow.
So that's, I mean, this is the thing.
I want to ask you guys, do you live in a dorm?
Did I live in a dorm?
Yes.
Yeah, my freshman year of college, I lived in the same room as one of my friends for a year.
What did you do?
Everything.
We did everything together.
The AI video stuff I get, because you guys get those.
I love those.
I love those social AI videos.
So like every time a movie comes out or exists, there's like, there'll be like a 25-minute YouTube video that just plays some scenes from the movie while an AI voice narrates the plot.
And the footage is all like upscaled.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's all kind of like blurry.
And yeah.
Just for a recap of the movie.
Yes.
Yeah.
There was one going around for Twin Peaks to Return, which was so funny.
It's a complicated plot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a lot of fun.
Actually, I would like to hear that.
Yeah, I was just named Horn running over the child.
It was one of the many bizarre subplots.
I even forgot about that.
Can we do follow-up gay guy?
No, that's it.
That's it, I promise.
Nah, more.
Just hours and hours.
We just got to do fucking running this shit back.
These are the true modern tales of our time here.
Oh, wait.
No, no, sorry.
Is it wrong to move my neighbor's laundry?
Is it wrong to move my neighbor's laundry and then follow up gay guy?
Okay.
So we need to play those both in a row.
Okay.
Those are related people?
It's the same person.
It's the same person, but it's just follow-up.
Hi, I have a hate line tip.
I'm a gay guy.
My question is, is it wrong to move a neighbor's laundry in your building if you have no clothes to put in the dryer to replace it?
Here's the thing.
I'm a gay guy.
Like I said, I live with my boyfriend, neighbor across the hall, gay guy, lives with his husband.
He has been pissing me off for a long time.
I don't like his attitude.
I don't like that he keeps pretending that he doesn't remember us.
Obviously, you remember another gay guy in your building.
He kept moving my laundry to replace with his laundry from the dryer.
I would go in there and my socks were on the floor and stuff.
It was pissing me off.
So one day I moved his laundry from the dryer.
It was dry.
I moved it out of a sense of pure chaos.
He, you know, pissed me off.
I had no laundry to put in there.
So I went up and about 10 minutes later, he comes banging on my door.
He said, why did you do that?
Now, here's my question.
Do you think moving someone's laundry for no reason is a good chaos tactic on a neighbor you don't like?
And follow up, is it amoral?
Thanks.
Love the pod so much.
Goodbye.
Okay, gay guy again.
I'm following up on my last call and I thought it was important to mention that when he asked me why I moved his laundry, I replied that I had no idea what he was talking about.
I think that's important.
Thanks.
I'm at 100% completion on listening to your podcast.
I think that's important for you to know as well.
100% completion.
I love you people.
Okay, take it easy.
Bye.
Wow.
Might be gay guy of the year.
Yeah, right there.
He posed, I think, a real ethical question for you.
I really, because I've been in that situation where I think it's totally fine if you pile it somewhere respectful.
I don't think you could throw it all over the place.
I think that's fucked up.
Dropping socks on the ground, I think that's wrong.
But I think that's part of living in an apartment building or sharing washing and drying machines is I think it just, especially if you have a limited number of them, everyone's living their life.
They do laundry at certain times.
You kind of, I don't know.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
What do you guys think?
So he took his neighbor's laundry out of the wash.
It was wet.
and just put it on top of the dryer and left it.
Are you talking about which gay guy are you talking about?
Okay, that's a good question.
Because the gay guy that called in said that his thing that he did is he seemingly just took his neighbor's laundry out of the dryer and put it on top of the dryer.
That's what I mean.
The other people was doing to the caller.
Yeah, the neighbor doing to the caller, he was moving everything around and leaving things on the floor and taking things out when they weren't dry and replacing them with his.
Oh, I don't know.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
Yeah, right.
Hold on.
Okay.
Wait.
Let's refresh this for a second.
So this guy that called in is, why is he mad?
You guys break that down?
I think he's mad because he feels his laundry is being treated disrespectfully.
Because it seems like, and this is a crucial piece of information we're missing.
It seems like the dryer in his apartment building is not strong enough to handle his loads.
Now, I'm serious because a lot of times people will misjudge how much stuff you can put in to get it dried by one of the settings on there.
We burden our dryers.
We do.
We tax them.
We do.
We overtax them.
And so my thing is, I'm saying I feel like this guy is putting his stuff in the dryer.
It's finishing, but listen, the pockets of the jeans are still wet.
Some of the teals of the socks are still a little damp.
It needs another 10.
But his neighbor is just like, throw it everywhere.
Wow.
And he feels frustrated with this.
I understand that.
I understand that as well.
I also think something, as I've become an adult and no longer wear as much wrinkly shit all the time, keeping the clothes in the dryer, doing an extra 10 really helps on the wrinkle front.
If you take any of those clothing out and put them on top, you're going to get wrinkles.
Right.
So that's the problem.
Fucked with wrinkles.
Yeah.
So that's what I'm saying.
You think it's okay for him.
But this isn't really revenge.
He's not saying because he's not really hurting this guy.
No.
He's just touching his stuff.
Yeah.
But he, but I think that, so I, let's say gay guy number one was the guy who called.
Gay guy number two is the neighbor.
The neighbor.
Yeah.
Gay guy number one is basically getting revenge on gay guy number two by taking his clothes out of the dryer because that's what gay guy number two did to him.
Yes.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know.
I do think it's interesting that gay guy number two knows that it must have been gay guy number one that did it because the crime.
So that's a little bit of like the telltale heart kind of bullshit going on there.
You know what I'm saying?
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
So what do you do?
You're going downstairs to do the laundry.
You know, you had a long day.
You're like, God, everything's, yeah, I just need to do laundry.
And then someone's stuff is still in there, but it's done.
Yeah.
What do you do?
That's a really feeling because you don't know.
Yeah.
You know, listen, my building does not have a washer-dryer.
Okay.
There's no laundry in the building, no in-unit, no bottom units.
Not a great situation.
Yeah.
My life.
That's crazy.
Yeah, it's just the way it is.
Mine is like that, too.
I go to the laundromat.
I go to the laundromat.
Yeah.
The problem is when you do have a shared washer-dryer situation, you're coming up against all kinds of sort of what we were talking about earlier.
You think you have these things, rules of politeness, these rules that you were raised with, and that they apply to everybody.
And then when they meet the battlefield of the apartment building, you realize that people are doing things.
It's like the Battle of Cracy.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
You've got your longbows.
They've got their fucking.
They think that their crossbows are going to win, but the longbows end up winning the day.
Later, would not.
But it's interesting to me the way that people deal with laundry because some people do throw it on the floor.
I've had that happen to me before.
What I do is I go down there, and sometimes it's been like I've been up three stories.
I got to walk the fuck down there.
And okay, this guy's shit's still going on.
Whatever.
If he leaves it there for too long, though, I'm taking it.
I'm putting it respectfully on top.
I'm making sure no socks fall into the crevices between the two.
I'm putting it there on top and I'm putting my stuff in.
And that's just, you know, we just have to, we have to learn to, it's, we are all, we're in a society, but I'm just a man.
That's right.
Because look, right.
If you just did laundry, time that shit.
Yeah.
Know how long it takes.
Yeah.
Come back like a respectful neighbor, get the thing, turn it, get it out of here.
You can't just, it's not your house.
Yeah.
One thing that I think strikes me also with your show is that people are capable of just like being so uncomfortable themselves in order to provide some measure of discomfort to another person.
And I'm not entirely sure I'm capable of that.
Like the amount of work and discomfort you have to do, you know, partake in to create conflict with your neighbor just might not be worth it.
Like those two guys filming each other in Florida.
Yeah.
I think, right?
Dude and the other guy.
I'm like, dude, I don't want to film some guy right now.
You know what I mean?
Like, I want to like, I want to watch fucking reels.
I want to watch, I want to watch Stalker explained to me by YouTube AI in 20 minutes.
Oh, yeah.
But like these, it's just like, but like you have to, in order to make someone else feel bad, you also have to make yourself feel bad so often that I just don't think.
I think it's like a certain personality type that I want to get.
You want to be more like that.
Yeah.
Well, because like, so like if I put, I'm not trying to make myself sound so God, Christ-like here, god-like.
Well, maybe sounds right.
Some say.
Ah, fuck it.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I will.
But you know, if I'm taking my fucking neighbor's fucking laundry out of it, out of the dryer and I'm putting it on top of the dryer and a sock falls on the side, I am bending over and picking up that sock no matter what.
Yeah.
Anything less than that is a dereliction of duty to society.
Yeah.
On the other hand, you're but one man.
Right.
And so it's like, if a guy is just leaving his shit in there all willy-nilly all day, he fucking puts maybe a load in the dryer, he takes off to work.
Well, I'm not going to do the same thing he's doing.
Like, I'm not going to reverso him because he's going to know it's me.
But gay guy, number one, there's a little app that I am an investor in called Sniffies.
And you can set that location to neighbor's house and let the good times roll.
And so I'm going to say, you want to get revenge, you have to get no, he'll know it's you.
He'll know it's you.
He'll know it's you.
If you want to get revenge, you have to do it in a way where he just thinks it's the universe getting revenge on him.
Yeah.
Something cosmic.
And there's less of an ego to that.
Less of an ego boost to that.
But you just have to think, you just have to make his day worse and he thinks it's from God.
I think this is where, you know, if you're living in Portland, you have a hand up, but I think, you know, maybe talk to a witch.
Yeah, that's interesting.
Unresolved Neighbor Conflicts00:06:23
Right?
Because do something that is so bizarre and psychic that, you know, it just freaks him out or something, right?
I mean, just the idea of getting revenge is just already your off-tone battle.
I mean, this is your whole show.
It's like these cycles of revenge, and nothing ever gets resolved.
No.
Does anything, spoiler alert, does anything ever get resolved in the show?
I think, I mean, what is a resolution, you know?
Any kind of resolution.
Well, you know what?
With the farm one, it was, you know, it happened.
We filmed the story and then he ended up having to take all of his animals away eventually.
So that's a resolution we couldn't get to film.
But yeah, I mean, these things are just like eternal.
Like, they really don't. have resolutions.
Yeah, like there can be like a, you know, a legal or physical resolution, but how someone actually feels and if they're going to continue to do fucked up things to their neighbor, it's like, yeah, that's just kind of unresolved.
Like, I don't know, you know?
I feel like none of these situations that happen, you know, they go through a neighbor dispute and then they're like normal again.
Yeah.
I just don't think it leaves a taint of war on you.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's a scar.
For sure.
And then you're going to move somewhere else with that scar and most likely be more paranoid of your neighbor and then see something happen that you maybe you would have been okay with in the past, but see it as a transgression.
And, you know, it's like you carry that with you.
Have you ever seen Patton?
You've never seen fucking Patton?
What is that?
What is that?
Am I taking crazy pills here?
The filmed Patton.
Patton.
Pattington.
Are you talking about Pattington?
About the famed General Patton?
No, no.
Who's in it?
What, what's uh you're probably talking about Paddington?
You know what?
Send us the AI reel.
Are you guys out of your fucking mind?
You've seen the image.
He's standing in front of the flag, right?
Can we see an image here?
No, I'm not sending you the image.
But you know the scene, and this happened in real life as well, where he's talking to up, upbraiding the soldiers for being mentally damaged because of war.
He's in this, he's in the fucking, they're in the fucking sick bay or whatever.
And he's like, these guys are in here for being pussies.
Get him the fuck out of there.
I think what you guys are thinking, saying got me thinking, they probably should have executed every single soldier with shell shock after World War I and World War II wouldn't have happened.
Wow.
You bring them back home and you're just like, thank you for your service with a revolver too.
No, they just invented machine guns.
Right.
Right, because you're infected, in a way, you're just infecting the madness of war.
Yeah.
You brought it home.
You brought it.
You brought the war back with you.
And then you have kids.
You put that onto your kids.
Exactly.
You got to do World War II.
I did World War I.
I did World War I. War is so fun.
I know.
You got to do it.
But you know what I'm saying?
It's like, it's like, it's, it's, and shell shock is so cool sounding, too.
Yeah.
Could you imagine all the people you met that are like, I have PTSD said, I have shell shock.
Like, I have PTSD because my parents were, or I have shell shock because my parents were mean to me.
You know, listen, anyone who's mad at me, of course, I have PTSD.
But that'll be my excuse in court.
Fellas, I love the show.
I got to tell you this.
I think it's a fantastic show.
I find it to be, you know, quite cruel to itself.
I'm just kidding.
I think it's confronted.
No, I think it's a great show.
I think it says a lot about America.
if you're a European person watching this, go visit the places these people live.
Don't go to fucking, what are Europeans doing?
Visit Miami beach.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, go to Palm Bay.
Go to Palm Bay.
Go to Kokomo, Indiana.
Kokomo, Indiana.
That's where the two gay guys live.
Those are my favorite guys.
They're the best.
Did their house smell like cigarettes?
No, no.
It smelled green as a bean.
They seemed really clean.
They were clean.
But the hot tub in the crib was a little distressing.
It was a little warm in there.
I was going to say that room might have some mold issues.
They wanted us to get in so bad, and we were like, we got it.
It was pretty hot outside, also.
Yeah.
It was, yeah.
Because you guys aren't really in it so much.
But when they asked you to get in the tub, were you like, fuck it?
We're doing Louis Thoreau style.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, fuck.
I wish we got in the tub.
Yeah, we should have gotten you on the tub.
I'll tell you this.
Next time you got guys like that in the tub, tell them bring the gun in the tub.
Yeah.
And that's how it does the internet.
Damn, that's gun in the tub.
Gun in the tub.
And that's a feeling that you will never get in fucking Bay Area.
Yeah.
They don't want you to have a gun or New York because they want you to have a fucking gun.
Or a fucking hot tub in there.
Or a hot tub.
Apartment.
Oh, my God.
I thought water beds were illegal until about a year ago.
They're not?
Totally legal.
Wow.
Wow.
But a lot of leases don't allow.
Oh, so I got to read the fine print.
Dude, are those nice?
I don't think so.
I don't.
I laid on one once and it was horrible.
Really?
It's horrible.
But when I was a kid, I thought it was really nice.
Really cool.
Like, only really rich people had it.
Yeah.
I think it's not.
Yeah.
I think that like one rich guy had it at one point.
But I think they did cause some perishments, some deaths.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I think that's one of those things.
You think you can drown.
But people bought them for sexual purposes, but that doesn't seem equipped for that.
No.
I don't think that I can do all that.
Do you guys have anything else you want to say about the show?
No, thanks, man.
Thanks for having us.
Thank you for doing a marathon call-in session.
That was awesome.
It was so cool.
That was awesome.
We'll end it here.
Guys, neighbors on HBO.
I can't.
I'm not going to even think of a rude acronym for that.
For HBO.
For HBO.
Because surely you guys have thought of some, right?
Well, it's in the name of neighbors.
That's kind of interesting.
Oh, HBO.
Does that trip you out a little bit?
It did kind of freak me out a little bit.
It was there the whole time.
They're the hiding.
Hiding right there.
No, we don't make up any acronyms for HBO because we're just, you know, we love HBO.
Neighbors on HBO00:02:23
Are you on top?
Are you most watched?
No, the pit must be.
The pit.
We've been running.
We've been battling.
The pit.
We've been battling the pit.
Oh, well, I'm sure they're probably about to get me too, right?
The other way things work out there.
What else have you been battling?
Whatever the new Game of Thrones.
Nine of Seven Kingdoms.
Yeah.
And we surpassed it.
At one point, we did surpass it a couple times.
But doesn't that star a child?
Huh?
It does star a child.
So not that.
Not like that you beat the real Game of Thrones.
Right.
No, no.
This is a child's million Linoff series.
Well, it's like beating a kid.
You know what I mean?
Oh, come on.
I mean, it's like if you're up for like best director and it's like some child's like, I made this at school.
In my head, that show is like an all-kid director, all-kid pass.
There's a kid in it.
It's like baby Game of Thrones.
Dude, they should make that.
That would be so sick.
Are there laws against babies acting?
No.
I think there's a lot of restrictions of the amount of hours.
Yeah, there's a lot of red tape around that.
But it's like the job that kids can do, though.
Yeah.
Wow.
Because you know how they make Lego movies?
Yeah.
We should make fucking baby movies of regular movies.
Interesting.
It's just all babies.
All babies, dude.
Jabba.
All right, talk like that.
That'd be easiest if we did something like Jabba or a foreign film.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Just subtitle it.
Speaking of Stalker, you could easily make Stalker with a Baby.
They did Look Who's Talking, and the baby was voiced by John Travalta.