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Dec. 28, 2025 - Shameless Sperg - Chris Booth
49:36
It's been a while. Here's an update for fans & friends.

I'm just sharing my thoughts and some news regarding the situation I've been in since the doxxing. I hope you are all doing well, except for my enemies, who can all choke on my shit.

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Time Text
Dealing With Hatred 00:12:14
Hi folks, I am the shameless Berg.
I hope you're doing well today.
So obviously I haven't posted anything in quite a while.
It's been pretty crazy right.
So, you know, I posted a number of videos along the way kind of updating people on the situation that I've been dealing with as it unfolded.
And with every new video, I'd be quoted at the town hall because locals have just continued keeping this whole thing alive and, you know, hanging off my every word and following my content just to upset themselves over it and give my wife all kinds of trouble for being married to me.
Had people calling for us to be divorced.
Had people pretty much saying that I should lose everything, that I should lose my family and my children and all of these things.
All for videos that they don't like that they didn't have to watch.
And it's been exhausting, you know, and they haven't broken my spirit, but it's just been hard.
It's been a hard time.
And, you know, most of all, it's been betrayals, you know, betrayals from ostensible friends and family members who, you know, hitch their rides to the rumor mill and spawned a bunch of yarn and added to it and magnified it intensely just to make sure it would just get uglier and uglier and never die.
You know, God forbid that we just let somebody carry on with their life, you know, even if we don't like their opinion.
I know that that's just a novel concept, right?
Let somebody keep living their life, even if they have the nerve to speak their opinion and you don't like it.
So, you know, for the interest of family and for the interest of my wife, I decided to kind of go quiet, go dark.
And, you know, as much as I want to come out guns blazing and just say it all like I always do for the time being, I still need to lay low just a little bit and not come in with my full theory.
That's going to come eventually.
I can assure you of that.
I have to have a place to speak my mind, you know?
That's how all of this got started to begin with.
Just a desperate need to just speak my mind, share my thoughts and my opinions, and most of all, just be heard, be understood.
Whether people agreed with me or not, I just wanted to be heard and I wanted the intellectual honesty for people to say, that makes sense.
I can see how you got from point A to point B, you know, whether you agree with me or not.
Now, it turns out that a whole fucking lot of people agree with me.
A lot of people agree with me.
And there's a lot of people that are just too afraid to say it.
And I understand why.
I totally get it.
You know, you look at the situation that I've been dealing with, and I understand why people are afraid.
But the problem for me is that it's, I think, sick and twisted that we live in a time where supposedly we live in this free country.
And supposedly we have free speech.
We have all these rights, but we're afraid to use them.
And what's happened where we're afraid to use these basic fundamental freedoms?
You know, they say freedom of speech is not freedom from consequence.
And they're all too happy to be the ones to deliver those consequences to you and set themselves up like they have some sort of divine mandate to go on a crusade and a witch hunt against you.
So they love to say this.
They love to invoke that line.
But at a certain point, when you intend to deal so much damage that it causes real material reputational costs and damage to a person, it is disingenuous to pretend that you have respected free speech.
It is very disingenuous.
Don't believe that bullshit because I don't believe it.
You know, some of these people close to us, and we even had like a family friend.
You know, my little, my little daughter was friends with their little boy, and they had a great time together.
They were best friends to each other.
And it was a precious little friendship that they had.
And, you know, unfortunately, the adoptive mother of that boy the entire time was going behind our backs and twisting things that we were saying, taking things out of context, and just making up whole cloth stories, such as that I'm addicted to cocaine or something.
I don't fucking use cocaine.
All right.
I don't use cocaine.
I don't even like it.
Back from, you know, when I was a teenager and experimented with different drugs, it's one of the drugs I tried.
I don't care for it too much.
And most of all, because I observed what it did to people when they would use it, what it turned them into.
And I wanted nothing to do with it.
And it came pretty close to home, you know, for me because my own biological father, he had serious struggles with drugs.
And one of the main ones he struggled with was cocaine.
So it always kind of served as an extra deterrent for me to not go down that road.
So to be accused of doing cocaine was uniquely insulting.
Not that this person would know or care about that chapter of my history.
She just wanted to create trouble and call it concern.
She's concerned.
She also called CPS, you know, try to get my kids taken from me.
That's the sort of thing I've been dealing with.
Okay.
This registered foster parent who had so many opinions about my parenting and so many opinions about what I should be doing with my kids, how I should be teaching them, how I should be instructing them, and how I should be guiding them and their values and their intellectual development.
She had all kinds of opinions.
Well, let me tell you something.
If you have an opinion about my parenting, no, you don't.
No, you don't.
So you can shut the fuck up.
I doubt very seriously that she's watching.
But if she is, you know, you're a fucking scoundrel.
Okay.
You're a scoundrel and you had better stay out of my life and anybody connected to my life.
You know, I'm completely out of our periphery.
You don't belong anywhere near us and you need to just move on, get a life, mind your own, and fuck off.
You know, it's absolutely disgusting what some people will do in situations like these.
You never realize just how bad it can get.
I knew it could get bad.
And I know people lie and I know people make up stories, but holy shit at the lies and the stories that came generated out of this whole mess.
I honestly could never have seen coming quite the level of dishonesty, slurs, slander, rumors, just outrageous lies and distortions and all of this malice and cries for divorce.
Like you're trying to break up a family over fucking words you don't like.
And so I hope if some of these people even have a capacity to feel genuine shame, it might be time for you to do that because that's incredibly shameful.
It's incredibly shameful.
And for all of the hate and resentment and contempt that I can express sometimes, I have to say that this, I wouldn't do this to people.
Okay.
I wouldn't do this to my worst enemy.
I really wouldn't.
Because it's so spineless and it's disgusting and it's wicked and diabolical.
And I just wouldn't do that.
You know, would I say things that might offend you?
Yeah.
But at least I'm being honest.
At least I'll be straight up with you.
You know, if I have something offensive to say to you, I'm just going to say it.
And it'll just be, that's what I think.
That's how I feel.
No beating around the bush.
Just honest.
And these people are not honest.
And they don't care to be.
They don't care about truth.
You know, any one of these people that has made up lies and stories, if they were so concerned, could have come to me if they had a spine and asked me and expressed their concerns to me.
But they didn't.
Not a one of them.
Not a single fucking one.
And it's just shameful.
So, and you people are cowards.
You're cowards and you're backbiting losers.
And you should feel very ashamed.
I'm not ashamed.
You know why, because I'm the shameless berg.
I am not ashamed.
And so it's been ugly.
You know, it's been very ugly.
On the other hand, oh, and I got to say, there's been like six fucking articles written, like six.
And there was even a short segment on local TV dealing with this subject, this situation.
And I'm just like, dude, how is it that like grown adults, ostensibly grown adults, have managed to get themselves into this much of a tissy over words they don't like?
What has happened to us as a nation?
What has happened to us as a people?
That that's what this comes down to.
By the way, if any of you people out there, because there's a lot of brainwashed progressives that think that out in a rural area, they're not safe or whatever.
Okay, I live in a rural area and I'm telling you right now, all these MAGA types turn into Antifa in the drop of a hat the moment that you say something racist.
The moment that you say something that might be against black people or brown people or Jews or any of it, they turn into frothing mad witch hunters.
They join right along with the rainbow clan to come after you.
So don't be under any illusion, okay?
You know, whether you're a progressive or anyone else, do not be under any illusion that people in rural towns are somehow like your total enemies, right?
They're more enemies of someone like me, you know, someone who came out with a strongly nationalistic race-first message.
They will hunt you down and torment and taunt you endlessly.
And they'll be on their little righteous high horse in the crusade.
So don't you go thinking for a second that you are in danger in a place like this.
These people will more quickly come to your defense if you're a rainbow person than if you're somebody like me.
And this whole ordeal that I have lived through has proved that to me very well.
I even went into this whole thing with a bit of naivety.
I figured, if and when I'm ever doxed, locals around here won't give a shit.
They're country folk.
They probably won't care at all.
In fact, some of them will probably privately sympathize.
And some of them do sympathize, okay, privately, very quietly.
They've written to us, okay, expressing care and concern for the situation that we've been living in and saying, oh, by the way, I agree with Shameless Berg.
That's happened plenty.
So they're out there.
They're out there.
But the most vocal people, of course, have been detractors, naysayers, and all of that shit.
And that got so bad that we ended up having to hire a lawyer and issue a couple of cease and desist orders.
And interestingly, a lot of lies and slander started to die down after that.
As far as at least what was being brought up in public discussion, like at town hall meetings or whatever, lies and slander, they started to die down, you know?
So it was clear to me that these people understood that they were lying, that they were making shit up.
Otherwise, they'd have persisted and they haven't.
If you can hear any barking in the background, that's because recently we got a German shepherd puppy.
Goodness.
She's a yappy little thing, but she's very young.
So anyway, it's been a bloodbath.
Okay, it's been really bad.
Feel Bad About Speaking Up 00:15:39
And then, of course, you know, a lot of you will know I kind of had a spiritual crisis too.
And I kind of wanted to break down some of that for you.
And, you know, I've always been very honest and very open, sometimes honest and open to a fault.
There's times in retrospect where I feel like, well, maybe I should have just sat quietly with that one and not talked about it.
But I like to talk about things as they come.
I like to tell you what I think and what I feel as it happens.
And there are a lot of twists and turns in a journey like that, especially in a situation as dramatic, explosive, and tumultuous as the situation that we've been in.
All right.
So, you know, I'd made a number of videos discussing a sort of return to Christianity.
But here's what you have to understand.
My history with this religion goes back to when I was very, very young.
Six or seven years old when I started to get taught like heavy theology, heavy doctrine.
You know, not just the Jesus loves me, this, I know stuff.
It was the heaven and the hell.
It was the end times.
It was, you know, it was sin and redemption.
It was heavy stuff, you know, and, you know, an early fear and guilt complex that I had acquired.
And whereas, you know, naturally speaking, you know, when I, when I am walking more according to what feels natural to me, I sort of go towards the pagan paths.
I've always been that way.
But then let everything in my life just completely come apart.
And I've had a few swings back, you know, to Christianity.
And it's obvious in retrospect looking at it, I'm like, okay, I'm seeking for what feels safe, for what feels comfortable and for what feels stable and certain.
And, you know, a sort of path of dogma and rigid belief and rigid obedience.
It seems to promise and provide some sort of normalcy, some sort of stability.
Good lord, they are so loud.
I'm going to try to make it through this.
This yapping is.
And the worst part is one of my daughters is yapping right along with her for fun.
So it's, you know, double whammy going on right now.
So, yeah, so, you know, I had my swing back.
And yeah, there were certain synchronicities that kind of lined up that sort of led me that way.
But the thing is, like, I've had synchronicities go in a number of directions.
Some of them contradictory.
You know, some synchronicities seem to lead to one place and other synchronicities seem to lead to another.
And so just the emergence of synchronicities does not necessarily validate, you know, a truth claim.
It doesn't necessarily validate like, yes, I'm doing the right thing.
Yes, I'm going down the right path.
But, you know, I was brought into a state of real crisis by all of this.
Everything was falling apart.
And I was just, I was watching family connections, friendships just completely crumble all around me.
And it just wasn't stopping.
And the dividing line was getting really serious.
So, like, the whole family is split right down the middle at this point, with some of them kind of joining the chorus of naysayers and slanderers, you know, people that should know better or people that should have been willing to set this aside for the sake of family.
And they didn't do that.
And, you know, shame on them for it.
There's nothing I can do about it.
And I was regularly watching my wife get very upset.
A lot of pressure was being brought to bear on her.
And, you know, every new video, every new statement of sheer honesty was being, again, brought up at town halls, being, you know, thrown at her.
And the drama just would not stop.
And it just continued and continued.
And just in the interest of not seeing my wife crumble just for a minute to have some reprieve, some relief from all the ugliness, I decided, you know, this is a good time for me to quiet down.
Let me quiet down because people who hate me have been watching every video and I'm sure they'll watch this one too.
My God, you people have no life.
And I'm sure they'll watch this one too.
And I'll probably hear about it or something.
They have nothing better to do.
They have no lives.
It's very obvious by now.
I mean, months later, and I'm still dealing with bullshit.
You people have no life.
You have obviously no life.
You need to get one.
And it needs to not involve me at all.
But whatever.
So, you know, all of this stuff brought me to a point of crisis, of searching for a place of safety and comfort, of searching for something that would feel stable and carved out.
And, you know, something that I feel like I could sink my teeth into and rely on.
You know, there's something about the pagan paths and the mystic paths that don't always offer that kind of rigidity.
And that's sort of one of the things that makes it appealing.
And yet, sometimes when you find yourself in a crisis, you find yourself sometimes wanting to reach for something that feels more solid, even if it's an illusion.
And that's kind of what I dealt with, you know?
And so I came out with a story and I came out, you know, with a profession of faith.
And I came out saying, like, look, I'm going to go in a different direction with this.
And I don't know if I'm fighting the right fight.
But, you know, since then, I've had a lot of people still reach out to me.
I've still had people donating to me and expressing concern, but also expressing appreciation for the things I did, for the things I said, and for kind of having the balls to say it.
They appreciated that a lot.
And, you know, for that reason, I feel like almost obligated to speak, almost obligated to share my thoughts and to say, you know, here's where I'm at.
Here's what's going on.
You know, in particular, there's this one guy who at least goes by the username of N-word Snowman.
It's really funny.
I'm pretty sure he's being funny.
N-word.
It's spelled E-N-W-O-R-D, but there's no way like N-word doesn't mean like nigger.
It has to mean that.
Anyway, he's been donating to me like outrageously, generously.
I could have never anticipated it.
I woke up this morning to find another donation and I was just like, all right, fuck it.
I need to sit down and make a recording.
If I'm still going to have people writing in with words of support and I'm still going to have people donating and shit, like I need to say something to toss a line out there and to say, hey, you know, I still exist.
Hey, yeah, I'm still the shameless berg and I'm still shameless and I'm still not sorry, you know, for anything I've said or done.
You can look back on anything.
I've never said sorry and I'm not going to because I'm not sorry.
All I've ever done is just spill my thoughts, share how I feel about things, how I see them and how I arrived at that perspective.
And it turns out that, you know, I was singing the tune of a lot of people.
And I was saying what a lot of people are thinking or feeling.
And I didn't realize that it would be that way.
I didn't.
I figured that some people would appreciate the honesty.
They would appreciate that.
I just didn't realize that it would seemingly speak for so many people.
And that put me in a really interesting position.
And it's kept me in a really interesting position.
Because it, again, it's kind of created a sense of almost obligation to continue on, you know, even after this lull.
And look, growth is hard, you know, on Rumble.
It's hard.
And I was on X a bit for as well.
I was on X as well for a bit, you know, and I had to leave.
It's just being on there was too toxic.
It was keeping me too angry.
Like to a not useful extent of angry.
There's a certain level of anger that I need to bring to creating this content because there's a clarity that comes with it.
Like here, this is really how I fucking feel about this thing.
So there were times I would get myself a little amped up and angry on purpose before recording because I knew that like, all right, the honest rant will come out of me in this headspace.
But the problem on X, though, is just, my God, you are just swimming in a sea of just, it's a cesspit.
And it's just so ugly.
And there's so much shit on there all the time that just makes you, I mean, for me, it makes me like murderously angry.
And, you know, there's an extent of that that becomes kind of unhealthy.
And so I just made the decision.
I just need to leave.
So I deleted my X account.
I stepped away.
Deleted accounts in most other places as well.
You know, I kept Rumble open because I figured, well, I definitely will come back out and say something eventually.
So I left that.
And, you know, I still have my buy me a coffee, but it's like, I don't even have it posted anywhere.
And I've still been getting some donations.
I'm like, you guys are great.
I mean, seriously, you know, I haven't been spamming it.
I haven't even had my own old content posted.
Where are you guys coming from?
You know, I mean, I guess I made a difference in your world.
And I appreciate that.
I appreciate that I somehow made a difference in your world and that what I did here mattered to someone.
It means a lot.
It really does.
But yeah, it's been a hard time.
And so, you know, and I've been going to church here recently with my family.
And like, there's some really good people there.
And they've been good to us.
And they've been a strong support during this time.
When I say support, look, don't twist me here.
These people don't really agree with all my views.
I don't need them to.
That's not the point.
The point is that, you know, these people are quality enough and big enough in heart to be there for us, you know, during a time when being there for us was to incur drama and wrath upon yourself.
And so I appreciate that.
And, but, you know, it was after going to church a few times.
I enjoy it.
It's nice.
I just, I started to realize that my disconnect with it all, it's still there.
You know, the problems that I've raised before, like in some of my earlier Christian question videos, those problems are still there, you know?
And no amount of running away made those problems disappear.
No amount of trying to shut my ears and say, la and forget all the evidence that I've seen, you know.
It didn't make that disappear.
And, you know, sooner or later, once the haze of a return to old-time religion, once the haze passes and the dust settles, you realize that every issue and every question and every inconsistency and every objection that you ever had, it's still there.
And furthermore, I started to realize, I'm sure some of them are going to watch this, whatever.
Hey, guys.
I'm just, this is just my honest thoughts, okay?
Take him or leave him.
I'm not going to answer for them, right?
You can tune in or you cannot tune in.
And what I have to say about it starts and ends here.
Like, I don't have to unpack or explain anything to anyone.
But it was after a few services and like the subject of Nigerian Christians kept coming up and like the persecution that they're going through and all of that stuff.
And that's bad.
You know, religious persecution, it sucks.
It's not, it's not nice.
It's not friendly.
And believe me, I am no friend of Islam.
Not a bit.
And so to that extent, yeah, I feel bad.
But on the other hand, I just like nowhere in my heart did I make myself able to care about Nigerians.
I don't care.
And I just realized that, like, damn, I don't care.
I'm trying to care.
They want me to care.
We're praying about caring.
And I don't care.
I'm trying.
And I can't.
And I don't care.
And I just realized, like, look, I really just do care about my people.
It doesn't mean I literally hate everyone else.
But when I've always expressed this sort of apathy about other people, it's still there.
And I realized that.
And I realized how un-Christian that is.
And then it brought me right back to one of my biggest problems with it.
It's that I'm not universal.
Okay.
I'm not a universalist because I don't, I can't bring myself to care about all people groups equally, you know, just in the name of a universal creed, like Christianity.
I can't make myself care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I'm not cheering on their persecution.
I don't actively want them to be being, you know, persecuted and abused and all that stuff.
I don't want, it's ugly, right?
I don't want that.
But am I heartbroken over it?
No.
Because I don't care about Nigeria.
I don't care about Nigerians.
I just don't.
And nothing can seem to change that.
And it got me thinking more broadly, like, yeah, I mean, this is still the universalist program.
It's still the universalist faith.
It's still the universalist church.
And that's just how it is.
And Christianity is inherently that way, except for a couple of strange mutations, like Christian identity or whatever, or British Israelism.
You know, these other approaches, they try to center, you know, white people kind of at the middle and say, well, no, this is a racial religion.
And it's all around Israel identity.
And the true Israel people are like, you know, it's either the British or it's more inclusive, like more forms of European are also part of it.
And I just was never, I was never convinced of those doctrines.
I looked into it and I was like, eh, I don't think so.
I don't think so.
And I've never been persuaded by that.
So that leaves me with, look, it's a universal religion.
Okay.
And I'm not a universal person at all.
And I'm not going to feel bad about it.
Like, I don't feel bad about it.
And I know that some would be like, that's something that you need to repent of.
I can't.
I can't.
I care about my own.
I care about my people above all.
You know, and I feel like too many of our people don't.
And like we need any help with that.
You know, the rest of the people groups, they don't really care about us either.
They don't care about our fate and our future.
And so who else is supposed to care?
Who else is supposed to stand up for us and to take a decisive stance?
But in order to actually stand up for us, you can't stand up for all people.
It's not all Samsys.
It's not all equality.
And, you know, it may be that, you know, in Christ, there is neither Jew nor Greek and so on and so forth.
But like in my world, there's definitely different people groups and all those differences really matter to me.
And again, it doesn't mean I hate everybody, but these differences matter.
And these differences are such that I think that, you know, we should be separate.
And, you know, separatism of some form at the very least.
And okay, that might hurt some people's feelings, but I think it's a greater evil for me to throw away the fate and destiny of my own people, which is my own offspring and their offspring and future generations.
Christmas Eve Confusion 00:08:58
To trade that in for some sort of utopian, universalist pipe dream, because under that pipe dream my people disappear, they disappear and will be bred out and they won't exist anymore.
And am I okay with that?
You know, just because of a universal doctrine, i'm not and I can't make myself be, I don't feel it.
And uh, I had myself a funny moment.
So I was in church um, it was christmas eve right, excuse me, it was christmas eve.
There was like a candlelight service and it was nice.
I mean, it was scenic, it was nice um, and they played this video though, and in the video, you know, it was this black dude talking and he was telling the story of Christmas or whatever.
Meanwhile, i'm sitting here knowing that the origin of christmas is actually like Germanic Heathenry, and all of these adornments and the wreaths and the trees and the shiny things and all the lights and the gift exchange customs and all that comes from Germanic heathenry.
It all comes from my ancestral folk traditions and they've sort of been retrofit for, you know, Christian purposes.
And so when people say Jesus is the reason for the season, I'm just like well, you know, even going by the gospel account uh, he almost certainly was not born during December and this winter festival has literally nothing to do with him.
It has nothing, nothing to do with them.
So for me it's just a winter festival, it's a natural festival and it harkens back to my ancestors right, and so to me it is a quintessentially very white holiday.
Even if we've sort of retrofitted it with this uh, universalist creed, it's still a very, very white holiday.
And so i'm sitting there, they're playing this video and it's a splat guy talking and my brain, my brain, just wouldn't let me sit with it.
Like all I wanted to do was laugh and i'm trying to keep quiet and but my brain's just like, it's the Christmas nigga.
Look at that, it's the Christmas nigga.
You know what i'm saying?
I'm sitting, i'm trying so hard to not crack up sitting in church, but I kept my quiet.
But of course, when I got home I told my wife i'm like look, bear with me here.
But when they played that video I was like it's the Christmas nigga.
She shook her head and kind of chuckled at me a little bit.
Um, but I couldn't help it.
I'm just like okay well, i'm pretty sure the people here wouldn't be too appreciative.
That, like that, was my response to seeing that video and I couldn't help it.
I literally couldn't control it.
I couldn't, it's just, it's just in there, right.
As much as I don't care about Nigerians, I couldn't take it seriously this black guy telling me the Christmas story and He's surrounded by all these, you know, Christmassy adornments and decorations, and all the lights and the garland and the wreaths and the tree and all this, you know, incredibly Germanic stuff.
And I'm just like, yes, Christmas nigga, tell me about this holiday, Christmas nigga.
Tell me all about it.
That's how I felt, you know.
So, and I know some of you are thinking, you're white.
You can't say that.
Well, I just did, you know.
You can't tell me I'm the wrong color to make a small mouth noise.
That's what speech is.
They're small mouth noises.
And you're not going to tell me I'm the wrong color to make one.
I'll make whatever small mouth noise that I please.
You know, I've always done that.
And sure, I've paid a tremendous price for doing it, but I'm still going to do it, right?
Even if it offends people, because fuck your offense.
Get over it.
You know, grow up.
Get over yourself.
Get a life.
Move on.
You know, I'm 38 years old.
And I'm old enough to look back at when I was in school and people tossed around all kinds of words.
You think I didn't get called a faggot when I was a kid?
We all did.
And guess what?
I had to like pick up and just carry on and move on with my life.
And, you know, not try to just completely ruin someone's life over it.
But, you know, now it's like I'm 38 and a bunch of fully grown adults can't handle just a little offensive word.
I wish you could see yourselves.
Like, I wish you had the capacity for genuine self-reflection so that you could understand how ridiculous you are and how petty and spineless and weak you are.
Because you are.
And, you know, if you feel personally addressed and you feel like the shoe fits, then wear it.
You know, this is a general statement because it applies to a lot of people.
And I don't even know all their names or faces.
I just know that it applies to a lot of people.
And so, yeah, if you're taking it personally, then take it.
Take it personally then.
You know, wear it if it fits.
So I just kind of wanted to lay that out there.
I know people, you know, watch me going, you know, to and fro and swinging back and forth.
And they were like, wow, you're kind of all over the place.
Yeah, I was kind of all over the place because my life was kind of all over the place.
You know, everything was blowing up completely and things were fucking chaos.
And, you know, shit was being divided up and crumbling and going crazy.
And it was explosive.
And it just had me being like, fuck, just give me some normalcy.
Give me something.
Give me some glimmer of hope.
Give me some sense of a light at the end of the tunnel.
Let me grab on to something that makes me feel like it's going to be okay.
And so, you know, I had a swing back to that old time religion of my youth.
Made a video about it.
You know, some people liked it.
A lot of people didn't.
And I understand.
Like, I've had most of my messaging up to this point has included either small or extensive and sometimes scathing criticisms of Christianity.
And so for me to come out and make a message like that, people, some people were like, what?
Others were applauding it.
Like, yay, you know, so happy to see, you know.
But a lot of people are like, what are you, what are you doing?
Like, and they're like, why are you going back into cognitive dissonance?
And I can't remember who said that to me, but it stuck with me.
Because here's this person.
They listened to a lot of my content.
They heard my reasoning.
They listened to also my criticisms of Christianity.
And they liked what I had to say and how I said it.
They liked the points I raised.
And I think that they knew that I knew better.
And they thought, man, what a shame.
And they're like, you're a bright guy.
You know, you're a bright guy.
You're sharp.
Why?
Why are you going back into cognitive dissonance?
And the truth is, I didn't really have a good answer.
I understood where you were coming from, but I didn't have a good answer.
And because I was sort of acting on impulse, I was acting on, you know, what I felt was spiritual guidance kind of tugging me in a certain direction and feeling like I was supposed to respond to that call.
And so, as always, it was something I was trying to do something genuine and sincere.
I meant what I was doing, even if it was inevitable that in just a few weeks' time, the smoke would clear and I'd start to be like, okay, what?
What am I doing?
What have I done?
So I find myself now in the odd position of all right.
Well, fundamentally, that's just not working for me.
I can't, I can't do it.
You know, even with a really solid grasp of the Bible and the ability to speak really good Christianese.
I don't know if you've heard that term, Christianese.
It's the ability to speak and sound like a knowledgeable and experienced Christian.
Yeah.
I've got that down pat if I really want to do it.
And, you know, there's times when I've done that and meant it completely.
And there's been times where it's been performative, where I know what to say.
And you guys know that I know how to phrase things in a compelling way if I want to.
And that's just as much true in that arena as it is in this one.
And, but, you know, beneath it all, I have to sit by knowing, like, okay, you know, but there's this hole in that doctrine and there's this problem with that.
And there's this historical fact over here that kind of, you know, flips that on its head.
Oh, and by the way, that Christmas tree that you have sitting there, that's literally from pagan customs, but sure, let's just pretend like it's not.
Sorting Through Wreckage 00:04:13
Just all this stuff.
And it would just constantly just jump out at me in my face, like, you know, this, you know, this, you know, this.
And you have to just bury it and not talk about it and just lie to yourself and don't have the conversation because I've tried to have the conversation many times in the past and it doesn't work out.
Okay.
It does not work out.
So I kept quiet.
And so I've just kind of been sitting with myself and thinking and processing and trying to sort through things.
It's trying to sort through a lot of real wreckage.
Because there's stuff that's happened and gone on that I haven't told the internet about, you know, in the past few months.
I haven't told everything.
There's some highlights.
It's been really ugly.
You know, and it seems to be like little by little dying down some.
Who knows?
Maybe me having the nerve to make this video again will just bring it flaring back up and you know, reignite the whole thing.
But as it is, the whole all the drama has lasted far longer than I even had the YouTube channel.
I had the YouTube channel for 75 fucking days, 75 days.
And, you know, we're pushing the start of a new year.
And still, drama has followed all this time.
All this time for months.
And I'm just like, my God, you people just need to let it go already.
It's awful.
So to that extent, I would also like to rate this community one out of 10 on the free speech scale.
Okay.
One out of 10.
You guys have been really pieces of shit when it comes to free speech.
You have.
You've been unbearable.
You've been insufferable.
And you have been small town nightmares, right?
I mean, everybody talks about some of the downsides of a small town.
Everybody knows everybody, and everybody knows everything.
Blah, You know what?
Lot of what they know is a bunch of fucking lies and slander, spinning yarn and gossip backbiting, false accusations lies, all this stuff.
That's what they really know, because they don't care to know anything.
They don't care to know the truth and they don't care to look any closer.
They'd rather just have their knee jerk reactions and run off with their little narrative, run around town and keep that shit going.
So yeah uh, this community, one out of 10 on free speech.
You guys um, except some of you, are cool.
You know, you know who you are, but by and large, holy shit.
And so you fucking progressives are out of your mind.
If you think that you're unsafe in a place like this no, you're not.
You're not unsafe in a place like this.
You can come out here and be trans and have your little.
You know rainbow flags and your and your commie fucking politics, and you can have all this stuff and be fine.
Yeah, maybe you get a little shitty.
Look now and then you know, maybe if somebody's daring enough, they might call you a faggot or something like that, but that's about the extent of it.
Are they gonna try to burn your life down over it?
Fuck fuck.
No, you know, um.
So in a community like this, yeah you, you could raise a pride flag if you want, you can raise a trans flag if you want.
But you know, holy hell, let's say, if I were to raise a swastika flag or something, I mean it would be game over.
It would be absolutely game over um, just like it has been game over, just to have my videos get some local exposure.
So this whole idea that you know people out in areas like this are naturally sympathetic to people like me, it's just poppycock, it's complete bullshit.
So don't buy it.
Um, I i'm thoroughly, thoroughly disillusioned and disabused of that notion.
All right, so they're not on my side, that's for sure, and i'm not on theirs, that's fine.
You know, you guys have been some real bitches.
You've been some some bastards, some bitches and some faggots, for sure.
And oh, no words.
You don't like hurtful words.
The shit i'm talking right now, the stuff i'm saying, was like the locker room banter of 20 years ago and yet we just had to keep carrying on with our lives and somehow you people just can't do it.
Religious Trauma Cycle 00:09:04
So whatever.
But I just wanted to address my audience and just sort of let you know where i'm at.
Um, i'm kind of just doing my own thing and sorting through stuff on my own terms, thinking through my thoughts and um, and in trying to achieve um some some inner peace and stability again, you know where i'm not just clutching for what feels safe and comfortable and just out of a flashpoint of crisis and that is exactly what happened.
Is that this crisis?
You know, it threw me into what I call a religious trauma cycle.
The religious trauma cycle it's it's got to do with some of the psychological traumas that came with really heavy indoctrination from the time I was young, and indoctrination that got um multiplied exponentially uh, in my teen years and throughout my 20s, um reinforced and magnified exponentially by a lot of people that were around me, and it sort of just drove that complex further and further into my mind.
And so anytime things would be in a real shakeup, the trauma cycle would re-emerge and my brain would go.
You know, maybe God punishing you, maybe he's bringing everything down to put you in a state of desperation, to bring you to your knees as you finally do what he wants, and all this stuff is where my brain goes, or has gone.
You know historically uh, these episodes last for, you know, a long time, and this time it was rather brief.
I just haven't really said anything about it because I needed to sort through some things and I needed to know where I stand, what i'm doing and where i'm going.
So So as far as that goes, I guess for me, not a lot has changed.
You know, I've always kind of been on the more nature-based path.
That's my natural inclination.
That's where I go to when I'm being real, when I'm being actually true to myself and when I'm actually listening to my own spirit and following where I'm really being led.
And that's where I go.
The nature-based religion, the pagan religion, or whatever.
That's where I go.
That's where I've remained.
And it was for years leading up to this whole situation.
I didn't have any of those religious trauma episodes, any of those religious trauma cycles.
None of that popped up.
Because I guess nothing had been dramatic enough.
There hadn't been upheaval substantial enough to bring me to a place of evoking that sort of pattern, that trauma cycle all over again.
So you guys saw that in real time.
You know, you saw that happening in real time.
And I lost some friends.
I lost some support.
And that's okay.
I was just being real.
I've always just wanted to be real.
That's the whole point.
Nothing less.
And so that's what I did.
And maybe I was too real or too open or maybe I should have shut up.
And maybe I should have just processed all of it by myself.
But the problem is that the stuff I was going through was going to end up affecting my messaging.
It was going to end up affecting the direction I went in.
And in order to be honest with myself and consistent with where I was standing, you know, I kind of had to catch my audience up and be like, here's where I'm at.
And here's the effect that that might have on my messaging, on my content.
So rather than just keeping up an act and violating my own conscience through dishonesty, I just had to put it out there.
And I did so with no small measure of trepidation.
And again, it was not very well received by a lot of people.
And that's okay.
And there's some people that are probably never going to talk to me again.
Well, that's all right.
Farewell.
I was one person in particular.
Let's just call her a 156.
Okay.
And we'd been friends for a few years.
And, well, she took this all very personally, let's say.
My swing back to Christianity, back to old time religion.
She took it very, very personally as a very personal affront, as a sort of betrayal, in a sense.
And I certainly didn't mean it that way.
I understood where she was coming from, but that's not where my heart was at.
Okay.
It wasn't a sense of betrayal.
It was just me trying to respond and react to where I found myself.
And, you know, unfortunately, that means I've probably lost a good friendship with this person.
So, hello, 156.
I hope you're doing well.
And I know you very well may never talk to me again.
And that's okay.
It's fine.
I still wish you well.
All right.
But you of all people would understand from our extensive discussions that you had also dealt with religious trauma cycles.
You had also dealt with kind of swinging back and forth between two worlds a lot.
And in fact, in our discussions, it made it clear to me that you understood this better than anyone that I had ever known.
And so when this happened, my hope was that you would be able to kind of reflect back on some of what we discussed and reflect back on some of your own history and your own experiences and that you would maybe be a little slower to completely cut me off, right?
I'm not upset with you or offended.
Just I think it's a shame.
You know it sucks, but whatever you know, I do wish you well, whatever you do, and I don't.
I don't take it too personally.
I just think it's a shame right, because it's this is hiccup that I experienced and that was after, you know, like four years of knowing each other and then getting to know each other.
I had this hiccup and, you know, again lost some people.
That's all right, it's fine.
So I know I've been kind of dragging on for a while.
This is going to be a really simple, unedited video.
I'm not going to sit here and do jump cuts and put music and all that other shit.
I don't have time.
I don't have the will.
I just wanted to get on camera and just be very candid and very real with you.
So if you've listened this far, I appreciate it.
And, you know, for those of you that have kind of hung around and stuck with me, thank you.
And, you know, I'm sure that this video is furthermore going to upset some people.
Again, because of the meandering and the swinging back and forth and all that shit.
And I know I seem like I'm all over the place, but that's some of why I just explained.
I tried to supply an explanation, some context for why it's been like that.
You know, it's not just because I'm just pure crazy or something.
It's not because of that.
It's just some deep-rooted shit that got stoked and provoked by everything that has happened.
So I hope that that at least makes sense.
You know, so often my intent here has just been, does it at least make sense?
I mean, even if you agree or not, you know, even if you like it or don't, does it at least make sense?
And so my hope is that this will make sense to you.
So I don't know when the next time I'm going to upload will be.
I don't know what I'm going to be talking about.
I do know that I'm not done talking.
I know that I'm not done sharing my thoughts, sharing my mind.
I got to have an outlet, man.
I really do.
And I know people have tried to take this outlet from me and I'm not going to let them.
But, you know, for the time being, it's like I don't even have the will or the drive to do some of my usual commentary because I've just been so exhausted.
And I'm just trying to get my head clear and also to watch some drama die down.
I want to watch it die down enough to where it just loses steam.
And when I come back out, guns blazing.
Tough shit, you know?
Drama over.
You can deal with it.
You can love it or hate it, but it is what it is.
So hopefully that clears up the rest of the way.
I'm definitely going to speak my mind some more.
I'm not done.
And so for those of you who have stuck with me along the way, I appreciate that.
You know, to loyal followers and friends and to these random people that have been so kind and donated to me so generously.
I've been rather astounded by that.
And never really could have expected it, but I am very appreciative and I'm grateful.
So thank you.
And thanks for lending me your ear.
If you listen this far, I'm at like 50 minutes just about now.
So you guys, you guys take care.
I'll try to upload sometime again here soon.
All right.
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