April 11, 2026 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
01:21:05
Good Enough to LIVE WITH but not to MARRY! CALL IN SHOW
Stefan Molyneux analyzes a caller's toxic family dynamics and volatile relationship, where $300 monthly support masks emotional manipulation and destructive litigation between divorced parents. The host critiques the caller's three-year cohabitation with a jealous girlfriend who prioritizes anxiety over loyalty, arguing that living together without marriage while expecting behavioral change is cruel and statistically doomed. Ultimately, Molyneux urges immediate clarity on marriage and children goals, asserting that continuing this unstable dynamic wastes time and prevents genuine connection. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: CohereLabs/cohere-transcribe-03-2026, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Parents Divorce And Family Contact00:15:22
Yeah, sure.
Uh, thanks for the opportunity, by the way.
So, uh, firstly, maybe I wanted to talk about to you with reference to my family situation recently, like maybe not that recently, but around three years ago, my parents got divorced.
And since then I had kind of find myself struggling with, you know, who should I back or who should I believe is doing the right thing?
I know both of them are doing the wrong thing, so sometimes it's been a bit hard.
So, maybe for some context, as long as I remember, my parents weren't, you know, like a very good marriage.
It worked, everything was fine, but it wasn't like they loved each other.
At least that's how I interpreted it.
It didn't come as a big surprise, the divorce.
However, what was surprising was that my father actually filed for the divorce, which apparently was very surprising to my mother too, because she was, let's say, the one that always, you know, in some quarrels or fights, threatened him with divorce.
And her reaction to that was very surprising.
She was like, I would anticipate that after all these years of, let's say, being not a good match, right?
She would not be so hysterical and like it was completely not something I expected from her.
I would say, like, you know, she would be kind of relieved maybe or a okay with this, but no, it's been a disaster.
Sorry, it's a bit hard to like say this as a monologue.
So, no, no, keep going.
It's fine.
Yeah.
So, the reason for the divorce, as told by my father back then, was that, yeah, they simply couldn't, you know, difference of characters, this kind of thing.
Before that, they even separated for one year.
Like, my dad wasn't living with us in the same apartment.
Nearby, but not in the same apartment.
And to be honest, during this time, the situation was far better as family life because I also have a sister and we used to visit him, he would cook for us, etc.
So I didn't really mind him not living with us because when we were spending time with him, we actually, I would say, spend it better than if we lived together.
And then, yeah.
So, my mother's reaction was completely like weird to me, and it led to many stuff like, many, many stuff that are not great.
So, basically, they, you know, fight a lot of lawsuits against each other, or none of them are finalized yet.
And it's been like three years.
I mean, the divorce is finalized now, it's more about the division of treasure and stuff like this.
But also, there were like some charges.
My dad pressed charges to my mom because he went to visit him in another apartment to make a big fight.
There were like very tense situations, to put it mildly.
And the thing was that.
Sorry, he pressed charges for assault?
Not assault, but like that she destroyed his doors or something like this.
Oh, like property damage.
Yeah, yeah.
And this was because my mother found out he has a new woman now.
I should probably start with this.
And back then, he told us there is nothing like this, but now I know it was already back then.
So when he filed for divorce, he must have had somebody back then.
Now he already has another child from another marriage.
I mean, they are not married, but yeah, this kind of was like a big thing to me.
I don't know.
Also, how to feel about this?
Maybe you can help me process these feelings because I do not consider his new child my sibling.
I don't know.
It's a bit weird to me.
Okay.
And sorry, how old are you and how old are your parents?
My parents are 51.
I'm 23 this year.
23.
Okay.
And they separated.
Sorry, just remind me when did they separate?
Have their divorce been finalized?
No, actually, the divorce was finalized like the divorce was filed three years ago during Christmas, but before that, they didn't live together like for one year or a few months.
It wasn't right before the divorce, it was like one year before the actual divorce.
Okay.
Okay.
And how is it that I can best help you with the time that we have today?
Yes, so good question.
Now, after listening to you for quite a few months now, it's been better, but I would like to talk about, let's say, my parents individually, maybe, and if you could maybe help me assess them, their behavior, and how maybe I should behave.
About the fooing and stuff like this.
I'm not living with them anymore for like more than two years now.
Three, no, more than three years now.
Yeah, so.
I'm sorry, so are you trying to assess your relationship with them?
Yeah, yes.
Okay.
And what is your relationship with them like now?
It's been like, let's start with my father.
So he lives with his new family and new child.
I rarely call him.
He calls me like maybe once a week.
We talk.
He doesn't really invite me to his place, maybe sometimes.
So we have like very sporadic contact with each other.
And yeah, every time this happens, my mother is kind of angry that I stay in touch with him.
So if I ever tell her that, she freaks out.
Yeah, and with my mother, it's sometimes, yeah, when this happens, for example, she hears that I had contact with my father, then she's, let's say, not talking to me for a week or two, and then she calls me to come for dinner.
So that's a bit weird.
So it was like, we have contact, we don't have contact.
Also, during this time, I was living abroad for half a year, so I do not really have that much contact with them.
And my mother is like this, you know, she cannot speak to me for a week because she's hungry, but then she wants me to come visit her like twice a week.
So it's not anything regular.
Okay.
And what value do your parents add to your life at the moment?
So most of my conversations with my father are like pragmatic, I would say.
It was always like this.
We don't have a very deep emotional connection.
It's more like, We are running, let's say, we are running through a checklist.
Let's say, if I did this, if I, let's say, fixed the car, if I paid my taxes or something like this.
And with my mother, it's like, you know, we come, we talk.
Sometimes it's okay.
Sometimes it's, let's say, even quite nice.
But sometimes she's like all angry and stuff, not talking to me, even though I come, right?
I try to, let's say, be okay to her, but at the same time, I'm not really.
I just, for the past few years, I get so many, let's say, sad messages from her, or even aggressive, or she blaming me, or comparing me to my father, that I stopped really caring if she tells me something like this.
Okay, so do you think that you've answered my question?
Oh, sorry, probably not.
What value do your parents bring to your life at the moment?
That's a good question.
I guess that I can ask them for help and get this help if I need it.
What sort of help?
I guess whatever help.
No, I mean, financial, I assume not emotional.
Like, what sort of help?
Yeah, yeah.
So, yes, I receive financial help.
From my father and from my mother to some extent.
But yeah, maybe not emotional.
Sometimes I feel like I'm more of an emotional helper, but I am trying to, let's say, fix the relationship with my mother and sister rather than she is trying to do it.
So you are right.
Maybe it's not emotional help.
Okay.
So how much money are you getting from your parents?
Is it for school?
Is that why you're getting money?
Yes, kind of, because now I have to pay for school, but yes, we can say that.
And how much is like $300, something like this?
A month?
Yeah.
Okay.
So the value that they're providing is $300 a month.
Yes.
And they're not providing any emotional value.
And in fact, it sounds like they're pretty stressful to be around.
Yes, you are correct.
Sometimes it's very stressful to be around them.
Okay.
So, when was the last time that they provided great value to your life other than money?
Can't really remember.
I mean, maybe.
Sorry, it's blank in my mind right now.
Okay.
So your father is in his, how old?
60s?
Do I remember that right?
No, 50s.
50s.
Okay.
And he's had a new child, right?
Right.
Okay.
And does he want you to be friends with that new child or something like that?
Yeah, I guess so.
But it's not like he makes an effort for us to be friends.
Right.
Okay.
And what do you think of your father's new wife?
I barely speak to her.
I don't know her very well, but yeah.
Okay.
When you were growing up, what was it like with your parents?
So, with my father, the emotional connections were never really there.
But what you could expect from him was that, you know, he was a pretty responsible guy.
Like, everything was paid for, everything was like.
If he said he would do something, he would do this.
If I need him to, I don't know, print something or provide something for school or something like this, it was always there.
With my mother, it was like she was someone that maybe I could a bit more talk to, but at the same time, many times she, let's say, used this against me later on.
Another thing was my dad.
One of his biggest vices is that he's very cheap, man.
Like, even though he provides for us, he.
It's not so visible now, but when I was younger, it was like he didn't really want us to spend any money.
So, my mother was kind of, let's say, if we wanted to go buy something, we should go with my mom, right?
Not with my dad.
And the, let's say, daily life was my dad.
I remember he got into sports.
So he was doing some sports like running, going to the swimming pool.
But my mom never really wanted to do anything like this with him.
So, and I, when I was younger, I went running with him, but it became like a burden because it was like Saturday morning.
So, and if you don't go, then he would be angry because it was like a, you know, contest or something like this.
So, I really stopped doing this.
I was going to the gym by myself or by the skateboard or whatever, but he didn't really want to join me in those activities.
And with my mother, she's not really into any sports or anything.
So, maybe we could go for a walk or something like this.
Okay.
And did they provide you valuable moral lessons, life lessons, things that you found that were wise that you still find of value to this day?
Yes, they did.
So I would say my mom is kind of a very open person.
She taught me to be nice to everyone, that the more good you give away, the more comes back to you.
And my father, I think, taught me responsibility and maybe some boundaries.
Maybe he is quite disciplined.
So maybe I did not achieve this level of his discipline yet, but.
Maybe because I can look up to his discipline, I'm more motivated to achieve it myself.
Challenging The Sacred Family Myth00:16:07
Okay, so those are efficiency things.
What about moral lessons?
Good, evil, right, wrong, that sort of stuff.
Yeah, and this is confusing because I read one and now I'm reading another book of yours.
I also listen to a lot of podcasts, and this is pretty like changing my view on it.
I thought so, maybe my parents are providing some.
Moral value, but now all I see is like contradictions in what they do and what they say.
And, like, let's say my father was always like, we are all Christian, but my father was always like, you have to go to church every Sunday.
I don't know, you need to pray every night or stuff like this.
And I think I was already not into that by the age of 13.
Or something like this.
So there was always a problem that I didn't want to go to church on Sunday or stuff like this.
And whenever, let's say, my mom said, Okay, you don't have to go, then he was both mad at me and my mother.
Okay.
And so there weren't any particular moral lessons.
Is that right?
Yes.
All right.
So, what is your dating life like at the moment?
I know this sounds a bit odd, but yeah, what is your dating life?
Yes, I'm living with my girlfriend.
We've been together for almost four years now.
It's doing okay.
I actually, in the message, I think I included that maybe we can talk about it if we have some time later, but I think it's good.
Yes.
Okay.
And what does your girlfriend think of your parents?
She doesn't like my mother.
She kind of doesn't mind my father that much, which is weird because I get that she doesn't like my mother, but I don't really get why she does not equally, let's say, dislike my father.
Okay.
And what does she think of what's going on in the divorce?
Yeah.
So before, it was very crazy stuff, and she was really.
She saw it was crazy because I told her everything and she was really, let's say, she couldn't imagine how my mother can act in these ways.
Okay.
And do you guys want to have kids?
Yes, I want to have kids.
She wants to have kids too, but not right now, which is understandable.
She's a bit younger than me.
Okay.
And does she want your parents to be involved in your children raising kids?
We didn't really talk about this because we, what we talk about is that we want to have kids right now.
And maybe I try to convince her why, because I think, you know, there is a lot of stuff that even on some social media, all of this, there is all, there is so much negativity about having children.
And I think it discourages a lot of young people.
And sometimes I have to tell to tell her that maybe the stuff she sees is like, Okay, this stuff happens.
Okay, pregnancy is hard.
And I know it's a, let's say, hard thing to do for nine months, right?
You are handicapped and reliant on, let's say, me.
But I think it's still worth to have children.
So we are on this stage of talks when it comes to parenthood.
And what's her family like?
Not great, also.
So her mother is, let's say, Nagging a lot.
I don't want to be rude, but yeah, that's true.
And her father has a problem with alcohol.
Oh, dear.
Okay.
And what does that look like?
You know, when we, I, I learned it only after like one and a half year of relationship, because I think that was the period when he did not drink.
And my girlfriend didn't tell me about this right away.
And I, I actually never told me it herself.
I have to, I deduced it myself.
But since then, it's not like, I think it's not like she meant anything wrong.
It's like, she, she is terrified to talk about this.
She gets so sad and, It's very hard for her to even talk about this kind of stuff.
Recently, it's been a bit easier.
But also, recently, her father kind of relapsed.
Okay.
And what do you think of her parents?
Your view?
I think if I didn't know about the problem, right?
Her father is a good guy.
I mean, he cares for the children more than her mother, I think.
But yeah, you can't really forget about such a big issue, right?
So there is this.
And I think her mother, they have something like I have with my father.
So their emotional connection is not really there.
All right.
So again, is it that you want to evaluate your relationship with your parents?
So, maybe it's not.
Maybe it's how actually it, in what implication it has on my relationship.
This might be more accurate.
Well, your relationship is there for children, right?
Like we have sex drives, we have drives for romance and so on.
All is part of having children.
So, I'm going to go on the assumption that you guys have children at some point, right?
So, what do you think of your parents and your girlfriend's parents?
What do you think they will be like as grandparents?
Do you think they will be good, bad, neutral?
I would say neutral.
I mean, my parents would be neutral, her mother neutral, but her father, it all depends how it will roll with the addiction, right?
If he will go to therapy and it will be.
No, no, as they are now, not as they might be at some point in the future.
As they are now, how would your parents be as grandparents?
It's hard to say really.
I would rather speak for my parents if that's okay.
So I guess my mother would be happy to.
I'm not sure if I would be as happy to, for my children to be around her unless we solve our issues.
I know you asked right now, but right now I can't really imagine this.
Like it just don't, it won't work because we have so, so many unresolved stuff ourselves that I wouldn't like to, let's say, Put my children through this.
Okay.
Are your parents helpful in your relationship with your girlfriend?
No.
I mean, my father is like not there, he doesn't say anything about this, and my mother is, let's say, more destructive in this kind of sense than helpful when it comes to my relationship.
I mean, they're acting like complete toddlers, aren't they?
Yes, yes, complete toddlers.
They are like.
Wasteful with their money on lawyers.
They are like revengeful.
Yeah, that's a shit show, really.
Okay.
So, what is the value other than $300 a month?
There is not a lot of it.
That's why probably I don't really call them.
The thing is, I think I want to keep my relationship with my sister.
Well, that's a different matter.
We're just talking about your parents.
Do your parents have your parents ever apologized for the ugliness of the divorce?
No.
Have they ever admitted any fault as parents?
Maybe, but it always is.
It comes with guilt, right?
At least from my mother, and you can't really talk about this stuff, my father.
Maybe you can, but.
It's hard, I guess.
If we never talked about any emotions, why would we do it now?
We only had one talk when I found out he's going to have another child because I reacted kind of emotionally to this.
And then he wanted to talk about this with me.
And let's say we talked, but then I still don't see how it helped.
And what has it been like to have conversations with your mother about these things?
So, recently I'm more like firm.
And after what I learned from you, I tried to, you know, any stuff when she's trying to manipulate me, or I already pointed out to her, I had this conversation with her, like why she married him, right?
And I feel like a lot of guys that also do Colin shows have the same issue that.
She didn't know, right?
She couldn't have known back then that he is like this or that he will do this, or she thought he was a better man and stuff like this, which I find very hard to believe in.
Sorry, thought he was a what man?
Like, because I said, wow, you didn't know he was like cheap, you couldn't really have an emotional connection with him, that he was so obsessed with going to church.
And she said, yeah, yeah, maybe it wasn't like this before.
It was only after the wedding or stuff like this, so I don't believe this.
Okay.
So, have either of your parents apologized for anything negative they did in your childhood?
No, not really.
Okay.
So, help me understand the value of having them in your life.
Yes.
So, now I understand and I don't feel bad with not calling them, but it was a time like this that I was like freaking out.
Maybe I couldn't sleep sometime.
Am I like, you know, a bad person for not calling them or for not keeping in touch or for not responding to their texts or something like this?
Okay.
I mean, that's an interesting question.
What do you mean by a bad person?
Right.
So, you know, because in my country and in my family, it's like, you know, it's a sacred thing, family is a sacred thing.
So, My grandmother's, like, both of them.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Sorry.
I've heard this speech a million times.
Okay, so if family is sacred, why would your parents get divorced?
That's a good question.
And my father is so Christian, so why would he get divorced, right?
And this doesn't make any sense.
But, you know, it was.
Okay, so let's not do this family is sacred stuff because the moment your parents get divorced, especially when it's an ugly divorce and they're attacking each other and calling cops.
And pressing charges, then they can't say that family is sacred anymore, right?
Yes.
I mean, I can't pee on an altar and then say the church is sacred, right?
Right.
Okay.
So throw that out.
What else?
Can you remind me of that question?
Sorry.
You said, Am I a bad person?
All right.
And so you had this family is sacred stuff, but nobody believes that.
I mean, well, let me ask you this you're talking about the wider culture.
Have your parents been shunned by all their friends and family for destroying a marriage?
No, actually, my father's family accepted just his new wife.
Like, it's nothing.
And my mother tried to send my father to everybody she knows.
Right.
So they don't care.
In fact, they're fine with your parents having destroyed a family, right?
Yeah.
Also, nobody from my, let's say, more distant family ever called me or my sister asking how we are or anything like this.
Has your father been kicked out of his church for destroying the sacred family?
It doesn't work like this in my country.
It's like you are not a part.
I mean, you can't really be kicked out.
Sure, you can.
What are you talking about?
Yeah.
Huh.
I mean, the priest can say you're not welcome in this church.
What are you talking about?
It doesn't happen in my country.
I mean, I don't know.
No, no.
The priest can do it.
I don't know what happens or not.
But the priest can say, I mean, if your father was a murderer or a rapist, I'm sure the priest would say you're not welcome in this church.
Yeah, you are for sure you are right.
He can do it, but I've never heard about any instance like this.
No, I get it.
So, but I'm just saying that the whole family is sacred thing is just bullshit.
Nobody believes it, nobody acts on it.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
Okay.
So that's why I was sort of impatient with the, but society says that family is sacred.
It's like, no, they don't.
They just say that shit so the kids will feel bullied into calling them.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, it makes sense because, you know, I don't ask for help really.
And sometimes, let's say, my mom asks me to, I don't know, buy something.
And let's say I forgot to buy her water, right?
Like, because let's say it's heavy and, uh, And she asked me to do it and I forget, and then she guilt trips me that I forget to buy her the water and bring it to her place or something like this.
Right.
Okay.
So, what else would it mean to be a bad person for not texting your parents, right?
It's got nothing to do with family is sacred and society says, and like that's the society doesn't live that way.
That's just completely ridiculous, right?
I would believe that family is sacred if people who, for no good reason, blew up their families and if they got ostracized.
Then I would believe that, but nobody does.
My mother was never ostracized.
My father was never ostracized, and nobody cares.
So anyone can blow up families, and they're perfectly welcome.
Everyone can abuse each other, press charges on each other.
Everybody's fine and welcome.
So there's another reason, I think, as to why you might think that you're a bad person for not texting your parents.
It's not to do with the family sacred stuff or what else.
Defining Responsibility Beyond Blame00:16:00
Maybe if you know, you can tell me.
I think I'm just.
Well, you, hang on, but you said, I'm not trying to catch you out here, right?
But you said, Am I a bad person?
Or I might be a bad person for not texting my parents, right?
Yes, I said so.
Okay, and I'm just, I'm asking, right?
This is Socratic questioning, right?
I might be a bad person, right?
Like if you said, I just robbed a gas station, I might be a bad person.
I'd be like, Well, yeah, because, you know, stealing is wrong, right?
So if you say, I might be a bad person, I'm fully.
Open to hearing the argument.
Okay, so you say I might be a bad person and it would have to be by some standard, right?
I think I know.
Maybe it's because all the stuff prior to the divorce seems like I don't care about this because since the divorce, they, let's say, I lost a lot of respect for them.
And that's why maybe I'm kind of torn between all those years when it was, let's say, fine.
And the divorce, and maybe because of this, I feel this regret that it couldn't be normal and that the divorce happened.
And that's why maybe if it didn't happen, we could have a normal relationship.
I don't know, something like this.
Well, I mean, I don't know what that means.
If somebody wasn't a smoker, they wouldn't have got sick from lung cancer.
But they were smokers and they did.
So I'm not sure what the off ramp here is.
Because they did what they did and that's done.
And they don't regret it and they don't apologize for it.
So that's who they are.
I mean, if you want to know what someone is like, you look at what they do, right?
Right.
Actions are the ultimate window into the personality, right?
So if somebody says, I want to lose weight, but they don't lose weight, then they don't really want to lose weight.
So, this is who your parents are.
It's revealed in two things.
One, their choices, and two, their justifications.
Right?
So, they have made terrible choices.
They've blown up the family.
They've attacked each other.
They hate each other.
They're trying to destroy each other.
They're calling the cops.
They're funding lawyers.
Right?
So, that's who they are.
They can love people.
How long were your parents married?
Around 20, maybe less than 20 years, something like this.
So, they can, maybe they were together for a couple of years beforehand.
So, you know, for almost a quarter century.
Your parents claimed to love each other and now they're trying to destroy each other.
Yes.
Right?
So you're in danger in the long run.
Because if they can turn on each other, who else might they turn on?
Yes, I experienced that from my mother, I guess, because whenever I do something she does not like, it's like, oh, you act like your father.
Right.
Okay.
So your parents are dangerous to each other.
And they're dangerous to you and your girlfriend.
Yes.
They are what I think I would refer to as emotional terrorists.
Agree with me, or I will try to destroy you.
Yes, this is for sure valid for my mother, but my dad is like not there with the emotions.
Like, you know, he's like cut off.
The only time I remember he was guilt tripping me because there was this baby, no, baptism of his new child, and he invited me.
To come there, and I knew that if I go there, my mother would freak out.
But at the same time, I didn't really want to go there, but I also didn't want him to think that I don't go because my mother doesn't want me to.
And this was hard for me to talk to him about this.
And you know, then he was like, I think he didn't even consider that I might not want to come.
Because I don't want to come, but he only thought about it.
I don't want to come because mom will freak out.
Well, but your mother sorry, your father is trying to attack and harm your mother legally, right?
Yes.
So he's also kind of vicious that way, if I understand it correctly.
Yeah, but.
I couldn't, I don't, let's say, excuse him for that, but my mother did like crazy stuff, like stalking type of stuff.
And, you know, she went there, she was texting him like every day, few times, and it was like, you know, poems.
So, yeah.
But, yeah, it's not acceptable to like charge.
But they're both escalating, right?
They're both using lawyers and getting more and more angry, right?
Yes, but my mom for sure escalates more, and the lawyer type thing is more about the divorce, the money, and the one time he pressed charges of damaging the property or something like this.
Okay.
They also shared a mortgage, so this was like a big, big stuff, also part of the lawyer.
Why lawyers are involved.
Okay, got it.
All right.
And is it mostly settled now or is it still ongoing?
It's ongoing, but not for a year or so because there are like a lot of waiting time.
Okay.
All right.
So, do your parents show any signs of taking responsibility and being better people?
My father, I don't know.
Maybe for his new family, he's a better person than he was for our family.
Hard to tell.
I don't know.
And for my mother, it's rather costly.
Sometimes she's like a good person, but sometimes she's not.
So she is not a good person if you take this into consideration.
But yeah, it's like sometimes she tries to talk.
I suggested therapy, like we could go as free.
With my mother and my sister.
Recently, we had a long talk.
So, this was kind of okay because I told her why, let's say, what I feel.
I told her about why he chose him and that I don't believe that she didn't know anything.
And I kind of ranted.
And it was okay.
It was, let's say, maybe a bit productive, even.
But with my father, I don't think anything like this is possible, and I don't think I would even approach it.
Okay, so then your parents won't change.
In fact, they'll probably just get worse.
Bad behavior tends to get worse over time.
It's like if somebody's gaining weight and they don't even think that there's a problem, they're just going to keep gaining weight, right?
Yes, yes.
So I agree.
Okay, so the question then is this If their behavior stays this bad or gets worse, do you want them in your life?
If there's no change, yeah, I know I shouldn't want them, but there is something, this feeling that maybe I want them.
I don't know how to explain it.
Maybe it would be nice to have, you know, parents in your life.
Maybe it's maybe if they would.
I know they do not put any effort to change themselves, so that's wishful thinking.
With my dad, it's like, okay, we can talk one time a week and it's okay.
I mean, we don't really meet anyways.
But with my mother, it's.
Yeah.
Okay.
So do you want them as they are or if they get worse?
No, no.
If I am going to have a relationship with them, they must change.
Otherwise, I can't see it in the long run.
Okay.
And what do they need to change?
So for my father, I guess he would need to start, let's say, putting more effort into the relationships, which.
I don't think he will ever do so.
No, no, no, no.
That's put more effort into their relationships.
I don't know what that means.
Specific and measurable things.
From what I would expect from him, is maybe try to address the issues, maybe try to talk about the whole thing why he acted as he acted, why he decided to start a new family and have a new child, and maybe do some restitution or.
I don't know, some, you know, after all, he's also my father.
So maybe from time to time, like, organize something or invite me even for a workout or whatever.
And he's not interested in that.
So at least from his actions, right?
And for my mother, I think, yes, she needs to finally, let's say, stop thinking about this divorce thing and.
Maybe if she will, I don't know if it's possible that she will meet somebody new or no, or she will just find peace on her own, then maybe we can.
Okay, that's all very, very abstract.
You need measurable things.
You can't manage what you cannot measure, right?
It's sort of like saying to a sales department, do better, right?
It'd be nice if you guys did better.
Okay, so I don't know what your answer would be.
My answer would be they need to take responsibility, stop blaming each other.
Go to therapy and apologize.
Yes.
Okay.
So those would be some practical, measurable things, right?
Yes.
Okay.
So they're not going to do that.
Yeah.
Like they're not going to.
People don't change in general.
99% of people don't change.
And people don't change in their 50s.
And your father, in particular, is not going to change because his wife and the mother of his second family child.
Likes him the way he is.
So, why would he change?
Yeah, this I realize.
Okay.
So, they're not going to change.
So, if they don't change or they get worse, which is more likely that they'll get worse, do you want them in your life, not based on who they might be or who they could be or in some other dimension, what good parents would look like?
Do you want them in your life as they are?
No.
Well, that's your answer.
No.
Now, I mean, if you want to talk to them, I'm always a big fan.
If you're uncertain, go talk to them and say, look, I need you guys to stop blaming each other.
I need you to stop wasting money on lawyers.
I need you to stop making excuses.
I need you to take responsibility and I need you to go to therapy.
I'm trying to do this with my mother.
Well, no, hang on.
You can't try to do it.
All you can do, you have 100% control over what you do and 0% control over what other people do.
So, if people say, I'm trying to get my brother to stop drinking, or I'm trying to get my aunt to stop smoking, it's like, well, there's no trying.
What you do is you say, you should stop drinking and you should stop smoking, and here's why.
And you have 100%.
You don't have to try to do that.
You just do it or don't do it.
Does that make sense?
Yes.
And then the other person, which is out of your control, listens or doesn't listen.
But there's no trying involved, if that makes sense.
Yes.
It's like saying, I'm trying to give $10 to a homeless guy.
You don't try to, right?
You say, here's $10.
He says yes or he says no.
But you don't try to give $10 to a homeless guy and you don't try to change people.
You 100% say, here's what you need to change and here's why.
And they either listen or they don't.
But there's no, I'm sorry to be an annoying nag about this, but there's no trying involved because trying sounds like it's on you.
No.
You tell them, here's what I need.
To have a good relationship with you, they do it or they don't.
But there's no trying, if that makes sense.
Yes, yes.
I actually had this explained to me before about trying.
So sorry for using this expression.
I understand why it's not.
Well, because it's a public call, I have to make sure I don't let that one slip by.
Sorry, go ahead.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Sorry for using it.
Okay, so that's your answer.
If you accept that they won't change and they won't, I mean, they haven't even admitted there's a problem.
Your father hasn't come to you and said, you know, I. I've really been mean to your mom.
I've been blaming her for a lot of stuff.
It's really not fair.
I chose her.
After all, I chose to spend 20 years with her.
I can't say that she changed so completely that she turned from someone I loved into someone I hate.
There's something wrong with me.
There's something wrong with my perspective.
I mean, let's say that your mother had some brain injury or a stroke or something like that, and then she just became a different person.
I mean, I suppose it could happen, right?
Well, then you wouldn't hate her.
It would just be like, okay, she's lost her part of her brain, and so she's not the same person that she used to be.
Yeah.
But you wouldn't press charges.
You wouldn't sue her.
You wouldn't, like, you'd just say, oh, okay, so she's really damaged, right?
Yes.
You know, if my best friend, I play tennis with him, and if he breaks his arm and he can't play tennis, I don't hate him.
I'm just like, oh, I'm sorry, you've got an injury, you know?
Right.
And so your mother didn't suffer any big brain injury.
Is that right?
Your father didn't suffer any big brain injury?
No.
Right.
So they're the same people they always were.
They've just gone from loving each other to hating each other.
Which is a perspective change, and it's around blaming the other person for everything that goes wrong without taking any responsibility.
It's putting yourself in the position of a child with a bad parent, right?
So, if you're a child and you've got a bad parent, I mean, there's nothing really you can do.
I mean, you're just stuck there, right?
You're just stuck there.
You're like the guy in the Count of Monte Cristo, his enemies hate him and they just get him thrown in jail, and he's just stuck there, right?
So, that's the reality.
So, your parents are pretending that they are children.
And that the other parent is an unchosen, brutal adult.
And so they're regressing.
And this happens to people.
Immaturity is just pretending you're a child and helpless.
And then this allows you to take all kinds of vengeance, right?
So people pretend that they're victims so that they can be aggressive.
It's a very common phenomenon, of course, as you know.
So your parents don't even admit that there's a problem.
Cruel Regressions In Sibling Dynamics00:13:19
They don't even sit there and say, gee, I loved this person.
I had children with this person.
I said I was going to love this person forever.
Now I hate them.
What is wrong with me?
What have I done that is incorrect in my thinking?
They don't say that.
They're self justified.
It's all the other person's fault.
They're bastards.
He's an asshole, whatever they say, right?
So they're not going to change.
And I don't believe it's worth being in relationships in the hopes that people will change.
It's wrong.
It is wrong to be in relationships in the mad hope that people will change.
It's actually kind of cruel because you are not in a relationship with the person.
It's kind of a narcissistic, I'm not calling you a narcissist, right?
But it's kind of a narcissistic relationship.
If you're with someone because you can imagine them being the opposite of who they are.
It would be like if a woman dates an artist and continually tries to talk him into being an accountant.
And she's like, hey, man, they both start with A. Maybe you can be an astronaut too.
So that would be kind of cruel, right?
And she would be then in a relationship with her own fantasy rather than with the person.
When you're in a relationship, you should be in a relationship with the person as he or she is, not in your fantasy of who they could be.
Right.
And so if you like people for who they are, great.
If you don't like who they are, you can certainly give them some requirements.
If they don't meet those requirements, you're under no obligation to stay.
What I don't want is for people, you, of course, but people as a whole, don't be in relationships on the fantasy that people will be magically different from who they are.
That's selfish and it's kind of cruel.
And it certainly is not very productive.
I mean, I assume that you don't want your girlfriend to be the opposite of who she is.
No.
Right.
It would be the same as saying, Well, I'm dating a short woman, but I'll only commit when she becomes one foot taller.
That would be kind of cruel, right?
All right.
If you don't mind, can we shift to talk a bit about my girlfriend?
It's kind of related to what you've been talking about now.
So.
Well, hang on.
But hang on.
See, I'm a little annoyed here.
Yes.
I don't know whether what I provided was of any value to you or not.
I just spent like, what, an hour talking to you about your parents.
And I give you the final speech, and you're like, I want to switch to my girlfriend.
I don't know if I did anything valuable.
I don't know if it means anything to you.
I don't know if it matters to you.
It's kind of weird, isn't it?
Yes.
Sorry for that.
You are right.
So, but hang on.
What happened just there?
I was being selfish.
No, no, that's fine.
But I'm not looking for a label.
I'm trying to understand the mechanic.
I think what you said triggered something in my mind about my relationship with my girlfriend.
Okay, go on.
Yes.
So, yes, thank you.
It was valuable to me, and it makes perfect sense what you said about it not being okay to be in a relationship with somebody and wishing they would change because we are not really with them in the relationship.
And why it triggered me is because.
I, let's say, gave my girlfriend this kind of requirements, what I can't accept in the relationship, and it has to do with jealousy.
And this jealousy also concerns my family.
So, my girlfriend is jealous of me and of my relationship with my mother and sister, which I find a bit weird.
Because it's not perfect, as you know.
And okay, maybe it's better with my sister, but with my mother, I don't understand why she's jealous of her.
I understand her why she doesn't like her, or maybe why she wouldn't want to spend time with her.
But I don't understand why she would be jealous of, let's say, me doing anything with my mother or my sister.
Okay.
So, and the reason I had to pause earlier was because if I wasn't giving you useful advice regarding your parents, I would not believe I could give you useful advice regarding your girlfriend, right?
Yes.
I mean, if you came in with two sore elbows and I spent an hour massaging one elbow and you said, just switch to the other elbow, I don't know if you're switching because I'm not doing anything good, right?
No, you are doing good.
Thank you.
Okay, I appreciate that.
Okay, so is she more upset when you spend time with your mother or with your sister?
It used to be both.
Now I think it's with my sister, and this is my assumption, if you don't mind.
She has a poor relationship with her brother, and they used to be separated as children.
And I had a pretty good relationship with my sister.
So now.
I think she's jealous of that.
And also, I'm sorry, is that what she has said?
She agreed with that.
I said that to her, that this is probably the reason, and she agreed.
Yes.
Okay.
So she's jealous because you have a better relationship with your brother than she has.
Sorry, with your sister than she has with her brother.
Yes.
Okay.
And is there anything that she could do to improve her relationship with her brother?
I tell her that maybe be like a bit nicer to him, even though he's not always nice.
I mean, he's a pretty special guy, let's say.
He's very intelligent when it comes to maths, physics, stuff like this, but he's not very emotionally intelligent.
So he hurts her and he's often being mean to her, or he has a bad mood and therefore will act weird to her.
And yeah, I think he tries.
He also cares about their, let's say, sibling relationship.
So I believe there is a room for improvement in their relationship.
Okay, hang on.
So does her brother, is he older or younger?
Younger.
Okay.
How much younger?
Like two years.
Okay.
So you said she was younger than you.
So is he like late teens, early 20s?
He is just 18 this year.
Okay.
Does he acknowledge that he has any problems in relationships, like perhaps being a little mean or something like that?
Not to me directly.
I heard from his grandmother that he did once to her.
No, no.
I mean, maybe once, maybe this, maybe that.
I mean, that's an ongoing thing.
Does he say, I may have a problem with being a little mean to people?
And, you know, everyone has that potential, and we're all a little mean every now and then.
It's not necessarily the end of the world, of course, right?
So, does he have an acknowledgement that he has a bit of a temper and needs to improve?
I never heard it, and nor did my girlfriend.
Okay.
Does your girlfriend have any acknowledgement of things that she can improve in how she relates to him?
I think she.
It's hard to tell what she thinks, but she never told me anything like that.
What do you mean it's hard to tell what she thinks?
You've been living together for years.
Yes, okay.
She's not some hammer up code that you have to crack with the help of Indiana Jones.
She's someone you live with.
Yes.
I think she needs.
My God, how to say it?
She could be nicer to him too.
She could not react with so many negative emotions to what he says or does.
Sometimes, like, she's just overreacting to stuff, even though maybe it wasn't that mean, or she takes it personally or stuff like this.
Okay, so there's things that she can do that would be better in the relationship, right?
Yes.
Okay.
And is she working to improve those?
Is she doing self knowledge, talking to therapy, or maybe getting advice from you if you have some skills in this area?
Yes, she used to do therapy.
She had to stop because it was quite expensive.
And, you know, we live on our own and we are quite young.
So we don't have that much money.
But yeah, we talk about this stuff.
I tell her what I heard from you, what I learned from you.
I encourage her to listen to your podcasts whenever I find some podcasts that can be relatable to her.
I recommend it to her.
She sometimes does listen to those.
So, yes, maybe this is not the thing we talk about most like improving her relationship with her brother.
We more focus on improving our own relationship, but.
I believe, yes, she would like to improve it.
Okay.
I also will confess to being a little annoyed.
Doesn't mean you're being annoying.
I'm just a little annoyed.
Because you said, I want to talk about things with my girlfriend.
And you said, my girlfriend is jealous when I spend time with my sister.
And then I said, well, what's the problem with her relationship with her brother?
Because apparently that's the jealousy, that's where the jealousy is coming from.
And then you said, well, this isn't particularly an important issue or we don't talk about it much.
Right.
You are right.
You are right.
I really don't know what to say more because if we diagnosed this and then I tell her what she might do to maybe make her relationship with him better, and ultimately it's up to her if she wants to make it better or not.
But then we find ourselves in the same situation again of her being jealous of.
Me spending time with my sister, or even less than that, then I don't know what to tell you.
Okay.
Does she view her jealousy as a problem?
Yes, but, you know, actions do not always align with what happens later because let's say we have a small fight, we explain this stuff, we talk about this, she acknowledges it, we agree on that, that it is a problem, that it's not okay.
And she said that I am right, it's not okay, that she will work on it.
And then it happens again.
Okay, so you spend time with your sister, and your girlfriend gets upset.
And this is like you spending time with your dad and your mother getting upset, right?
Right.
So she says, I shouldn't get upset if you have a good time with your sister, right?
Yes, and it's not like even we have a lot of time together, let's say, excluding her or anything like this, but she gets upset that she called me or something like this.
Okay.
So how often do you interact with your sister?
Like once, twice a week, we text or call, and sometimes we meet when we visit my mother.
Often she's like a part of that.
I mostly visit my mother with her.
Sometimes I go alone, then she's not there, obviously.
And when I talk to my sister, she doesn't participate in that.
Okay.
So, how many, if you were to say, is it half an hour a week with your sister, an hour, two hours, five hours that she spent on the phone, texting, or maybe visiting?
So, like two hours a week.
Okay.
And when she says she feels jealous, how does she put it?
Loyalty Versus Personal Anxiety00:07:05
What does she say?
She's just angry at me.
Like, she's changing her tone and asking questions like, like, The question feels like it is infused with guilt.
So, oh, you spoke to your sister, or something like this.
And it's not really like she says, oh, I don't like you speaking with her, or it's just like the series of questions.
It sometimes feels like interrogation or stuff like, wow, what did you guys talk about?
Oh, cool, cool.
Something like it's not really like it seems innocent, but you know, I know her because I lived with her for four years and.
She changes her tone.
She's not as soft and nice as she is, like usually.
And this is visible.
And I tell her that.
And then I get angry because, you know, we can have a perfectly normal day.
Everything is lovely.
And then she changes her attitude when this stuff happens.
And I get angry because I don't understand why she would like, you know, I feel disappointed that this stuff is.
Let's say it's causing our relationship to suffer.
Okay.
So she has admitted that it's a problem.
Yes.
And when you say, because so when people say that there's a problem, that they have a problem, then they're responsible for changing it.
That's true.
Okay.
So with your girlfriend, she says that it's a problem.
And therefore, when you say, hey, you're doing that thing that you've already said is a problem, what is she supposed to do?
Take action to change it and say sorry.
Right.
So, if in the moment you say you're doing that thing, then she has to say, Oh, yeah, you know, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Let's reset.
And does she do that?
No, it escalates.
Then she stopped talking to me and then she says sorry.
And it's like a cycle.
Okay.
And has she admitted that that's a problem?
Yes.
Okay.
And is she working on that?
Yes, I must say our relationship has been better now.
It's not perfect.
It's not perfect now, but yes, it's getting better, I would say.
I think it's because now I can better reason with her because I can actually provide logical arguments and, let's say, lead the conversation for her to understand that what she's doing is not okay.
And this is thanks to you.
So I really appreciate what you do.
And before that, I used to be like, you know, avoidant.
I would shut down.
I mean, I would stop talking to her.
I would get very angry.
And then she would start talking even more and it would be a big fight.
Now I think I'm, I get still irritated and I get angry when she's talking in this mean, disrespectful tone towards me.
But I still find this piece in myself to, let's say, argument why what she does is wrong and make her feel that I care about our relationship.
And I assume she also notices it.
So now.
Okay.
So, yeah, spending a lot of time telling me what's going right is probably not a great use of time, but I appreciate that feedback.
So, what are the virtues that you admire in your girlfriend?
What are her morals?
She's loyal.
She's.
No, no.
You can't say that she gets mad at me for spending time with my sister and she's loyal.
Those two don't fit together.
Can you explain to me?
Sorry, I'm not.
Well, loyal means that she puts your needs and interests first, but she's putting her own anxiety and neurosis first at your expense.
Oh, right.
I didn't think about this this way.
Okay, so, and I'm not saying she's not loyal, but it can't be one of her primary virtues.
Because loyalty is when you put someone's interests first.
You're loyal to them, it's consistent.
But if she puts her own anxiety and neurosis ahead of your happiness and well being and reason, then that's not loyal to you.
So, what else?
She's like disciplined, she's ambitious, she's.
Not morals, not morals.
Those aren't morals.
I mean, they're not bad, obviously.
But, you know, a serial killer who cleans up the crime scene is disciplined, right?
Right, right.
So I would say, like, honest.
She's honest with me.
She does not lie to me.
She does not lie to me.
Hang on.
So if she's honest, this is why I was asking about if she says, yes, I have a problem with jealousy, right?
Then if she's honest, she would work to stop that from ever starting.
And if it did start, she would say, oh, no, no, you're right.
I did say that, right?
But if she still lets herself get angry and then only apologizes later, then that's not honest.
Because you say you have a problem with this, and she says, Yes, yes, I have a problem with this.
And the problem starts to manifest.
I'm so jealous.
And you say, Hey, wait, you already said you had a problem with this.
Then if she's honest, she would say, You're right.
I did admit that.
I need to control this.
It's not your fault.
Right.
But instead, she lets herself, How long is she angry before she apologizes?
Not long.
If we quarrel in the evening, then by morning, it's already all right.
Sometimes it's like maybe half an hour or something.
So between a half hour and 12 hours?
Yes.
Okay.
Okay.
So I'm not saying she's dishonest, but that's, you know, where you're saying to me this is not honesty.
Okay.
So what else?
So I know maybe it's not much, but I never felt like I have to worry that she will, I don't know, teach me for other guys or.
I know you said it's not honesty, but I feel like I can trust her and I feel supported by her.
Okay.
So, but that's after the relationship, right?
So, did she have morals or virtues that drew you to her four years ago?
Yes.
Back then, it was like we didn't have those jealousy issues.
It was like one year of almost no quarrels at all.
Yeah, that didn't answer my question, though.
What were the virtues and morals that drew you to her?
Virtues That Drew Us Together00:04:06
I mean, how long have you been listening to what I do?
A few months.
A few months.
Okay.
So, my definition of love is it is our emotional response to virtue.
Yes.
That we love virtue.
And, you know, it's nice if they're sexy and attractive, and there's nothing wrong with all of that sort of stuff.
But relationships are sustained on virtues because virtues tend to grow over the course of life, and that compensates for the physical.
Deterioration is that I love my wife more now than when we met 24 years ago because she and I have grown in virtue, though we don't look like we did 25 years ago or 24 years ago, right?
So relationships are based on virtue.
Love is our admiration of virtue.
So that's what I'm asking about is when you met four years ago, when you were 20 and she was, I don't know, 18 or 19.
What virtues of hers did you admire?
It was basically the same stuff, but even more because back then.
Oh, Jesus.
Logically, you can't admire loyalty before you're in a relationship unless she was hugely loyal to other people.
You can't say, well, I now have four years' evidence of her loyalty, and that's why I was attracted to her in the first place.
Because in the first place, there was no loyalty to you because you weren't in a relationship yet.
So, you mean before we engaged in a relationship?
You met her.
I assume you were attracted to her and all of that.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
But what were the virtues that you admired in her?
Yes, so.
We.
So.
She didn't go to parties like other of my friends.
She was going to the gym as I did.
When I first asked her out, we had a little chat and I enjoyed the conversation.
Then we started to meet, and she was being, how to say it?
I felt good in her company.
We always had stuff to talk to.
I felt that we both made each other a better person.
Also, there were no jealousy issues.
So she was having a good time with me.
And let's say we could hang out with my family, with her family.
We would go visit her grandparents.
They liked me too.
I liked them.
We would spend a lot of time.
Okay, so hang on.
So she liked your family?
Yes, actually, in the beginning, it was like she preferred to stay with my family than with hers.
Okay, so she liked your family, which means, you know, I can understand this.
I sympathize.
She was still young, but she's not a very good judge of character.
Yes, it was before the divorce, so yes.
Okay, and has she, what has her experience been?
Of seeing your family melt down in this horrible way.
She was there for me.
Sometimes she was getting like angry with what my mom did and telling me that and was right.
I feel like she excused my father a bit, which I told you in the beginning, which I found a bit weird.
And yeah, basically, we moved out together and.
Yeah, she was there with me.
She was supporting me through the divorce when I was getting like, I wanted to talk to her about this.
Okay, sorry, sorry.
Moving In Without Marriage Plans00:07:50
So, how long after you started dating did you move in together?
It was around one more than one year for sure.
Okay, so you were dating for a year and you've been living together for four years?
No, no, we've been living together for three years or maybe a bit less than three years.
Also, I was abroad for half a year alone.
Okay, so basically six months of in person dating, and then you moved in together.
No, because you said you were abroad for six months.
But it was after we moved in, then I moved abroad, and then we moved in together again.
Okay, sorry, my apologies.
I misunderstood.
Okay, all right, so is she religious?
No.
And you are not religious, right?
No.
So why would you move in with her but not marry her?
I don't think it is a good idea to.
Moving with somebody that be, I mean, to marry someone you haven't lived with before.
But it's a bad idea.
I mean, statistically, you're more likely to break up if you don't get married before you live together.
Oh, really?
If you don't get, yeah, if you don't get, yeah, if you live together without being married, you're more likely to break up.
Oh.
Huh.
Yes, but on the other hand.
Hang on.
Did her father sit you down and say, well, why aren't you marrying my daughter?
Why do you just want to live with her?
No.
Okay.
So she's not getting good advice.
Because if somebody wanted to shack up with my daughter but not marry her, we'd have words.
Like she's good enough to live with, but she's not good enough to marry?
Why?
Why not?
What's wrong with her?
What's missing?
Yeah.
This is very.
Are you aiming to get married?
Do you want to get married?
Yes.
And when are you getting married?
It's been four years.
Yes.
This is another thing I wanted to talk to you about because.
Well, I don't want to pile too many issues into one call, so just give me the brief synopsis as to why.
Okay.
Have you proposed?
No, not yet.
Okay.
Does she want you to propose?
I think it's like, it's not.
Yes, but not now, maybe?
Maybe.
Okay, so have you guys talked about getting married?
Yes, I talked to her about this, but I said that I want us to resolve these issues before we do it.
So, the issues I talked to you about, which were that jealousy issues and this change of tone when she does not like something I do.
Okay, so she's good enough to live with and have sex with, but she's not good enough to marry.
Obviously, I wouldn't say that, but this is what it looks like.
Well, again, I don't.
I mean, I just judge by the actions, right?
Yes.
Okay.
I mean, how do you think she experiences that?
That he'll have sex with me, I'll make his meals, but he won't marry me because I'm not good enough for that.
It's not like this.
I mean, I'm making a lot of meals.
Sorry, I don't want to sound defensive.
I truly think she.
I don't know, maybe like she would be okay.
Let's try it another way.
You become a father, and a guy shacks up with your daughter but won't marry her because she's not good enough to marry.
How do you feel?
Bad, right?
I don't know.
How would you feel?
But I would feel that if there are some, I didn't know, so I'm surprised to find out that it is actually.
Not a good idea to live before marriage.
But you would look these things up.
You're an intelligent guy, right?
Yes.
And when you said that those couples often break up more often, I think it's maybe because they can find out stuff that they do not like about each other while living together.
And maybe later on they can save themselves from divorce because they can break up before even getting married.
But that's not.
That's fine.
So, you want to test drive the car, right?
To see if you want to buy it.
Okay.
So, what kind of car dealership is going to let you test drive a car for three years and still not decide to buy it?
Yeah, this is a good point.
I mean, in my view, and I can't solve this one in the time that we have, but I would say just have a conversation with your girlfriend and say, what is it that we want?
Do we want to marry?
Do we want to have children?
When?
How does it feel that we're not married yet?
Maybe she doesn't want to get married.
I don't know.
But I think have that conversation.
Okay.
And then if you say to her, listen, you're too immature and volatile for me to marry, but I'm happy to keep living with you and having sex with you, I mean, I don't know.
I mean, that's horrible, isn't it?
I'll use you for sex and companionship, but no, no, you're too immature and broken and volatile to marry.
Then you're just wasting her time.
And women have a short runway if they want to have kids, right?
Because if it's going to work out with you guys, get married.
If it's not going to work out with you guys, please, God above, release her back into the dating market so she can find a guy and get married.
But this Groundhog Day of just the same day over and over again, just kind of drifting along.
I mean, I've done it, so I'm not trying to come down on you like some bad guy, but it's not good.
Yeah.
You have no time because you're a man, but she has short time because she's a woman.
Right.
So if it doesn't work out with you guys, right, it's going to take her a couple of years to get over it.
Puts her at 25, then she's got to start looking for a guy.
A lot of the good guys are taken 26, 27, you know, like her time goes by.
Can I tell you what we talked about this in the context of marriage and children?
Well, I do know that you're not resolved.
So, what you did talk about, it's not resolved.
You haven't figured out any of these things with any particular resolution and detail.
So, what you did talk about is not particularly relevant to the question of is it resolved what you're going to do?
Is she fully aware that every time she gets angry at you regarding your sister, that marriage ring gets further away?
I don't believe she even thinks about it.
No, no, haven't you told her?
You've told her that you're too volatile in your jealousy, so I can't marry you.
Isn't that what?
Sorry if I misunderstood.
Yes, this I told her that I want to marry her.
So, hang on.
So, if you've told her, I won't marry you because you're too jealous, then every time she gets jealous and doesn't restrain herself, she's saying, I don't want to marry you.
Right.
Right.
I mean, if your boss says, if you steal one more pencil, you're going to get fired, and you steal one more pencil, then it means you want to get fired, right?
Volatile Jealousy Blocking Weddings00:01:12
Yeah.
So if you've said to her clearly, this jealousy is a deal breaker, I won't marry you, and then she continues with the jealousy, it means that she doesn't particularly want to get married either, and you're both just kind of wasting time, I think.
This is possible because I didn't feel like she is expecting me to propose, you know?
Right.
So if I were in your shoes, I would sit down and have that conversation.
Like, what are we doing here?
Are we aiming to marriage?
Are we aiming to kids?
Right.
Make a list of all the things that need to get solved for you to get married and then either work to solve them or don't get married and don't stay together because the purpose of living together is marriage and children, if that makes sense.
Yes.
Okay.
Good.
Okay.
Well, listen, I hope you'll keep me posted about how it's going and I certainly would love to hear.
And if there's anything I can do.
With your girlfriend, if she speaks reasonable English, I'd be happy to help.