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Feb. 19, 2024 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
40:25
5411 Izzy and Stef Movie Review: MADAME WEB

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Time Text
Well, I guess this is one of the few times we're talking about the movie right afterwards.
Yes.
The movie was called?
Madam Web.
Madam Web.
Now, you know what was interesting is that there's actually a spider.
I think I got a spider theme.
Sometimes they're kind of subtle.
Really?
But I did get a spider theme.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh.
At first thought, we knew that this was going to be kind of rough going.
It had a 14 percent.
Approval rating or something.
All right.
So, uh, the actress, uh, Dakota Johnson, I think.
And so she was, yeah, she's.
Okay.
So I thought, okay, she's just kind of emotionally dead at the beginning, but I'm sure there's going to be a story arc where she ends up emotionally lively.
It seemed like she, and then, you know, looking at the end, it seemed like she had more emotion than she did in the beginning.
Well, yes, a little bit, but I guess because she warmed up, right?
So she's distant.
She's numb.
She's inaccessible.
She's cynical.
And then she just gets even more so at the end.
Her qualities just increased, but there were no qualities.
It didn't make any sense.
It was so bad.
OK, so I made the case, just as we were getting to the car, that there is a good story buried in it.
Now, the good story that's buried in it is something like this.
So this girl, the main girl, Cassie?
Yeah, Cassie.
Okay, so Cassie, her mother dies.
She doesn't really know what happened except she thought that her mother was some idiot scientist who was in the Amazon studying
Spiders for no reason, vanity, selfishness or whatever.
So she resents her mother.
She's angry at her mother.
She goes through this journey and through this journey she finds out that her mother was not selfish, that her mother was trying to find a spider venom to cure her of some disease which ended up curing her.
Yeah.
So, her mother was trying to save her.
Now, once she lets go of all this resentment and anger against her mother, she breaks down her emotional barriers and is able to finally connect with people and have friends, and basically they're substitute children, right?
Yeah.
So, once she stops resenting her own mother, she can become a mother herself, which is why the blonde woman has the baby
And it's basically letting go of resentment against your mother so that you can be a mother yourself.
Now that's... it's not the worst story in the known universe.
You have some facial expressions that say you don't totally agree.
I don't think that's the actual story.
I hate to say it, but I think you're picking at straws.
No, no.
I'm just saying that there was that story buried somewhere in there against the writer's best wishes.
Right.
Yeah, probably.
I'm not saying it's conscious, but she did let go of the resentment against her mother and then she was able to bond with these girls, right?
Yeah.
Her younger self becoming a mother or whatever, right?
Yeah.
Other than that.
Okay.
Speaking about like the movie itself and not even the story, this had to be the worst camera job I've ever seen in my life.
What do you mean?
What were these cameramen doing?
Like y'all were, they must've been like on so many drugs when they were filming this.
Go on.
There was not a single scene that I wasn't trying to tilt my head to like.
No, but they were trying to get you the spanned spider angle.
Cause he climbed on walls and was upside down a lot.
But it was so bad, like, you know, I have an issue with modern films and the cameras being a bit too smooth sometimes.
Yes.
But this one was, like, smooth but really shaky at the same time.
And whatever they need to do, they need to stop.
Right.
Yeah.
A lot of times during the action scenes, I'm able to follow what's going on.
This one, it was like the cameras were so badly done in my opinion.
I just, I kind of just closed my eyes and sat there until the noise was over because I couldn't watch anything.
And it was just, I kept trying to tilt my head and like figure out what was going on.
Oh, the noises.
I mean, so I can't watch a movie now without cotton in my ear.
Yeah, I had my earbuds in.
Yeah, you had your earbuds in?
It's so loud.
Yeah.
And does the sound, it feels like an assault.
Because I can feel the sound, and we watched it foolishly in IMAX, but the sound is always bad.
So you, I feel it.
It's like somebody's punching me in the chest.
Oh, the volume nowadays in places are just crazy.
Yeah.
Like this, like hearing damage stuff in my view.
And it's, it's, it's actually, it annoys me.
Like, it feels like somebody is just jump scaring me by punching me in the chest.
Like it feels like an assault.
It actually really is.
Yeah.
And they really tried to get you with the jump scares by doing the loud audio.
Yes.
Yeah.
So that was pretty bad.
I'm going to be honest.
I don't think this movie got a single facial expression out of me.
Well, I think that mirrored the complete lack of facial expression on part of the actress.
Yeah, like, you know, she got stabbed.
I sat there.
She laughed.
I sat there.
They made food.
I sat there like it didn't do anything.
And the actors, what always bothers me is, well, first of all, they say, listen, don't go anything stupid.
Don't do anything stupid.
Right.
And she leaves them in the woods.
We don't have to care about the story.
She leaves a bunch of teenage girls in the woods.
And she says, don't do anything stupid.
And they're like, yeah, we're just staying in the woods.
We'll stay.
And then they get snacky.
And then she says, oh, there's a shortcut.
We're going to shortcut through the woods to a place.
It's obviously far away because they leave in the afternoon and they don't arrive till nighttime, and the idea that they just find the place.
They emerge from the woods right where this diner is.
Yeah.
Terrible.
These are city girls, they don't know anything about the country, they don't know anything about the woods, and you're trying to blunder around in the woods.
And how does she know what the heck the shortcut is?
She has no idea, and they're blundering around in the woods in the dark, no flashlights, no cell phones, because they had to get rid of those.
And they left the fire going in the woods.
So, uh, that was just ridiculous and annoying.
And then the other girl, Cassie, finally comes out, pops out right where the diner is.
And then now, listen, I'm not a teenage girl.
I am.
And let me ask you this.
So if there are teenage girls around and they like, uh, they, they think that the boys are cute or they want to talk to the boys.
Uh, how long is it before they are?
We're good to go.
The girls like some guy or think he's cute or hot or whatever.
Usually they kind of cast a lot of glances at him and smile and then we'll all like congregate.
Maybe a hair flip or two.
Yeah, we'll like basically all congregate.
You know in sports when the guys all like put their arms around each other?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, huddle.
It's called a huddle, yeah.
We basically all huddle and we try and talk about like which one looks the most attractive and then we try and figure out.
But do you hike up your top to show your belly button and then jump up on the table and all dance like you're a bunch of... To be fair, I'm not friends with a bunch of weird losers like these girls.
So I don't think... I mean, it depends.
You know, their social class is absolutely in the negatives right now.
I'm not friends with girls like that.
So I highly doubt... But can you imagine any of the girls you've ever met or not been friends with?
I've never seen... I mean, we go to diners, we go to restaurants.
Have we ever seen teenage girls dancing on the tabletops?
Oh my god.
It's so unreal.
It's so, hey, I bet you want to, you know, I wonder if a bunch of guys wrote this and get teenage girls dancing on tabletops.
It's gross.
It's creepy.
That scene disturbed me more than I can possibly tell you.
Yeah.
It's just weird.
Oh gosh, the fireworks.
What was that, about four hours of fireworks at the end?
Oh my gosh.
I thought they were flares, I didn't think they were fireworks.
No, so if you remember, this was the building at the very beginning.
I lost track of this completely.
So the building at the very beginning, where her supervisor ended up getting in the car and going off and getting hit in the ambulance.
So at the very beginning, they said, Oh, there's a bunch of fireworks in here.
It's all a bunch of explosives.
It's super dangerous.
And I don't know why that place was still intact at the end, because if it, if it half burnt down at the beginning of the movie, Oh, quick question.
If there's a bunch of absolutely deadly fireworks, fireworks, so powerful that despite the fact that I've been to probably a hundred fireworks exhibits in my life, I've never, ever seen fireworks that can literally punch through brick walls.
Yeah, like what the heck was that?
So, okay, so let's say there are basically these are weapons that can- These are bombs.
Yeah, these are giant bombs, and apparently what you do after you find a warehouse full of giant bombs is you leave it completely unattended, unguarded, unlocked, and anyone can just wander in and set them all off, and apparently they destroy half the city.
And that's the logic of the world that they live in.
I mean, yeah, obviously.
Oh, man.
And then, does she fight the guy?
No!
Oh, and because it's a Spider... Sp... Where am I going with this?
A S-P-I-D-E-R movie, what are the letters that destroy the guy?
An S and a P. S-P-I-D-E-D
I mean, that's literally how bad it was.
Okay, so here's another thing.
So I looked at that guy at the very beginning and I'm like, man, he looks like an Ezekiel.
And guess what his name is?
Ezekiel?
He looks like it!
You look at him and you just think Ezekiel and then his name was Ezekiel.
I just found that so funny.
It's actually quite a famous comedian named Sarah Silverman who played the woman her whole, her in an action movie.
She's like, oh, I'm finally going to be in an action movie as a comedian.
I bet you're going to have cool stunts.
What's her entire movie?
Sitting in a chair, looking at screens like us.
Yeah.
She looks like Lae'zel from Baldur's Gate.
I actually did kind of see that.
She does not have the most, uh, uh, inspiring facial structure.
Lae'zel from Baldur's Gate, very narrow jaw, right?
It's very long.
Kind of almond-looking face.
Kind of almond-shaped, right?
And she has those very bony, like, cheekbones and very intense eyes.
And the only thing that she doesn't have that Lae'zel is, is a small nose.
Right.
That's all I'm saying.
No hate to the actress, you know, I think Lae'zel's a cool character.
I love Lae'zel, but like, you know... Just the most... Maybe... It's literally the most sitting action movie person I've ever seen.
She sits the whole movie and she has no emotion in the whole movie.
Yeah.
Also, did you know, this is actually kind of neat, physics is fascinating, so you have fireworks that can destroy a building, punch through like 12 inch thick brick walls, destroy helicopters, but you know the best way to fend them off?
How?
With a garbage can lid that you grab from the ground.
Yeah!
So it literally punches a guy, throws him halfway across the building, but Cassie can hold up
A little garbage can lid, and she can fend off these giant weapons of doom that can destroy everything in their path.
Well, here's what doesn't make any sense.
So she wasn't, like, naughty to her or anything, but I don't mean this in a bad way.
She wasn't particularly toned or anything.
No, no, she's skinny.
She's skinny as a rat.
She wasn't skinny.
Well, maybe she gained a bit of weight for this role, but you see her in most of her movies, she's skinny.
I just noticed she had some chub on her arm and stuff, but she was not at all toned, unlike some of the other girls there.
I know the black girl had some good abs or whatever, right?
She wasn't toned.
She had no muscle definition, right?
Now, I'm not exactly the most toned, but I have some decent muscle definition.
I do Pilates and stuff.
I do home workouts.
I have muscle definition if I try hard enough, right?
Not to say either thing, but I'm not that muscular, she's not that muscular.
Just the other day, I was playing a game with my friends outside, and we were throwing balls at each other, or some soccer ball or something, right?
And we were really whipping it at each other.
This one guy throws it at me, and it kind of hits my shoulder, and I stumble back a few steps, right?
And then I get up, I throw it again, whatever, game moves on.
But the fact that she's gonna hold off a literal bomb and not even move, like, there was no impact, she just sat there as it bounced off, and it's like, whereas I get hit by a soccer ball and I'm stumbling.
So we did some paintball not too long ago.
A while ago, yeah.
And in paintball, I mean, basically I'm like, please don't hit my job.
Please don't hit my muffin top.
Oh, I got hit on the arm and I still have a welt from it.
This was a while ago.
So this is just paintball and it hits and it hurts, but apparently this is totally fine.
Oh gosh.
Okay.
When she, Cassie at one point in the sort of final fight scene, Ezekiel hits her so hard in the stomach, she flies probably 20 feet and lands against a wall.
Yeah.
Half a flight of stairs, or whatever.
I mean, it bothers me fundamentally that people get such a bizarre view of what damage is a human being.
Like, if somebody hit you that hard... Oh, you'd be out.
Like, your ribs would be broken.
All of your innards would be liquefied.
Like, they'd turn into soup.
Yeah.
Because you get hit that hard that you're flying 20 feet.
You're done.
Even if you're some Hulk-like superhero.
But she is basically a slender woman with no definition.
She's a slender 35-year-old woman with no muscle definition.
She's not gonna...
Oh, and she's not got superpowers.
So I just found that kind of- Or physical superpowers.
Right, right, right, right.
So I said the time- So they specifically said you do not get blessed with the physical- The physical strength.
Yeah.
So I don't, like, it really bothers me that people think that this level of insane violence, like she would be almost punched into two pieces with that.
Oh, yeah.
And yet she just, you know, shake it off, you know, shake it off, man.
And then she's totally fine.
Shake it now, I'll play the song.
Yeah, I mean obviously a lot of action movies are unrealistic, but this one just took things to like an entirely new level.
Now, I thought the time flip was interesting.
I mean, I feel like she flips time, she goes back, and she sees the future.
Oh yeah.
I thought that was interesting.
That's basically Final Destination, but like an entire superpower made off of it.
What's that?
It's a movie series, Final Destination it's called.
Basically, it's like five of them at this point or something like this, but it's at the beginning, the main character, she'll see like
A premonition.
I remember there was this one, she got on like a carnival ride, and she basically gets in, and she sees a premonition of the ride, and it basically falls apart and everyone dies, and then it takes her back a few minutes to when she's just getting on the ride, and she stops it, and then the rest of the movie, like because she saw the future, right?
And then she's able to stop it from that, and then the rest of the movie is
You know, they all keep trying to die.
It's a whole mess.
I'm not going to explain that movie.
She has this time for that.
They just stole it from Final Destination.
That's the first thing I saw or thought of when this happened.
I'm like, I've seen this before in a movie review.
That's why they had the Christmas Carol because Scrooge sees the future and then becomes generous because he sees how mean he is and all of that.
I'm just saying the coolest thing they had in the movie was kind of taken from another movie.
Right, right.
The time dilation stuff, so she understands that she can see the future, and the black guy who's her boss who gets into, near the beginning, he gets into the ambulance, and she's like, I need to drive, let me drive, something bad is going to happen.
Now, if you genuinely believe that,
You would take the keys away from him, you would lead him someplace away, you'd create a diversion, and she's just like, okay.
Well, I guess you can die then.
I guess you can die then.
Oh, and can we point out, so all the guys, so their boss just dies, whatever, right?
Yeah.
And all the guys, like, she just starts sobbing and trembling and stuff, because her friend died.
The guys there are just like, you know, stuff happens.
Yeah, we gotta try and fix it.
And like, you're literally an ambulance.
There's gotta be other people.
Like, you work in this.
Yeah.
You work in ER or whatever it's called.
Like, there's gotta be another person that's injured in the area because you're at a scene.
Then you help them, but you're just sitting there crying because someone you knew died.
Right.
And like, obviously that makes sense, but if you're like that, then you shouldn't be working.
That job.
That job, yeah.
If you're used to it, because obviously people are going to die on the job.
Sorry, but I would say that, no, I mean, I hate to contradict you, fun though it is, but I would say it's not because the guy died, although he was her friend, it's because she felt guilty, because all the other deaths that she's dealing with, she didn't cause.
Yeah.
So I think I can understand that, because now she's like, oh, basically, I didn't believe my powers, and my friend died, and that's pretty bad.
Sorry, go ahead.
Yeah, no, that's fair.
Now, I think it was really interesting to me because these movies are generally childless.
Or there's just some cute kid you have to save or whatever.
But the fact that there was a positive portrayal of motherhood, or getting pregnant, you know, she had the baby shower... No, that baby shower was portrayed super negatively.
Huh?
The baby... I think that... Because of her premonitions and so on, but the baby shower itself was kind of nice.
She was just weird.
Yeah, but the fact that you're supposed to sympathize with the main character, and if the main character finds something bad, then it's bad.
I really hated her in that whole baby shower.
I hated her.
Oh yeah, she's so annoying.
Because I hate those awkward people that mess up social engagements.
Yeah, me too.
Now, occasionally I'm one of them, but not often!
Yeah.
No, no, so she's like, well, my mother died in childbirth.
She says to the woman who's six months pregnant,
Just say, Oh, sorry.
You know, my mom passed away.
I was, I just, I was raised in the system.
No, of course you would say, uh, well, she's awkward because she was raised in the system and she doesn't have good social skills.
She's been around for 35 years.
Like 20 of which she's been outside of the social system.
She's not gonna like.
It doesn't take a genius, like, is she autistic?
Like, it doesn't take a genius to say, don't say someone died of childbirth at a woman's baby shower when she's six months pregnant.
Like, that's not that complicated.
And you also don't even know the woman.
So, like, it's even worse because you don't even know them.
No, I think she might.
So this was her partner's sister-in-law.
Yeah.
Is that right?
Yeah.
So she probably had met them.
I mean, the partners seemed to socialize.
She said, oh, who are you?
Kind of.
Oh, really?
I'm pretty sure at the beginning they were just meeting the first time.
She's like, oh, like haven't seen you around before.
Oh, yeah.
I think, yeah.
She said you're so-and-so's partner.
Who said that?
She's like, oh, are you?
Oh, you saw Ben's Partner, right?
Yeah.
That guy, he's got a really interesting face and really spiky hair.
He's got this kind of half devilish face.
He also looks like an Ezekiel, I'm going to be honest.
Yeah, I've seen him in a whole bunch of movies.
He's actually quite a good actor.
He didn't have much to work with here, but I thought he was quite a good actor.
Oh, gosh.
What else?
The scene in the subway.
Was that a subway or a train?
It was a subway.
Because there was a train station, too.
Like, when she got her ticket, that wasn't a subway.
No, but it was a subway.
No, but it wasn't a subway where she got her ticket.
It was a big train station.
The fight was a subway because they were underground.
Trains go underground?
There are tunnels.
Have you never seen tunnels in trains?
I have.
Dad, it was underground.
All right.
In a subway.
No, I think they went from a train to a subway.
Whatever.
No, because also, weren't the seats facing each other?
That's a train.
You're talking about the subway scene.
Oh yeah, no, sorry.
It's the train scene.
They were in a train first, because the seats were facing each other, weren't they?
I don't- Oh no, they weren't.
There was a scene where- I'm pretty sure it was the subway.
Okay.
So, that bit where she has this premonition, what was that, 20 minutes?
Yeah, oh my gosh.
I mean, how- Okay, we get it.
You've got some premonition, something bad might happen.
Like, hurry up.
And Stalky Shaggy Guy is coming down the- They were trying so hard to make him, like, attractive, and they were failing every single time.
The beginning, also, near the beginning, he goes to the opera and he sits down next to some woman who's older and... Pretty ugly.
And then they end up in bed together, right?
Yeah.
Is that what happens at the opera?
You just go and find someone to take to bed and then you steal her NSA code or something like that?
And kill her?
Yeah, yeah.
It's like, okay.
I don't know.
Every single time he was on screen, he just got less and less attractive, but they were trying to do the opposite.
Like, he was just such an unlikable dude.
Yeah.
Everything about him was just like, can you just go away?
Yeah, I know.
He looked like the kind of guy who should be selling oranges on the median of a highway or something.
It looks like the kind of guy you'd see on the side of the street asking for money.
Right, right, right.
It's like, bro, the only thing I'll pay for is a haircut.
Oh my gosh, his beard, he was so scraggly.
And the floppy hair.
He just looks scraggly.
He looks like a 30 year old alcoholic who's just gambled away his entire life.
Like, he's awful.
30?
I don't know.
He was an adult at the beginning of the movie.
Oh!
Wait, no, go on.
What?
No, go on.
He's just an ugly old guy who looks like a gambling addiction.
Right.
Okay, so, uh, bro.
Bro.
Oh.
Uh, the guy, uh, she, she, oh, oh, so she's wanted for kidnapping three girls, attacking a bunch of policemen, which means she would be absolute person number wanted in the whole country.
Oh, yeah.
She attacked and killed, I assume, we didn't see them die, but she attacked and killed a whole bunch of policemen,
She never killed them.
Well, no, no, but they thought she did.
Remember they were talking about, um, because nobody, remember they said nobody saw the spider guy, right?
Yeah.
So this Cassie is assumed to have attacked and probably killed a whole bunch of policemen, kidnapped three girls.
So she is like Bolo, APB, all points bulletin, be on the lookout for, she's, she's criminal number one in, in all of the country.
Right.
And
Apparently she could just go to Peru.
And rent a motel.
Yeah, well, maybe that was cash.
And she stole a taxi.
Yeah, she stole a taxi.
But it's like, and I was like, she's going to Peru.
How can she leave the country when every single human being is looking for her?
And the court, apparently because of the NSA, everybody knows who everyone is, so they would have absolutely had, they would have disabled her passport, she couldn't get out of the car, like, but she's just, oh, no, also, apparently every car, I don't know why anyone ever refills gas, because apparently every car you steal has an infinite supply of gasoline, and nothing needs to happen.
Obviously.
Because they drove through the city at high speed, which burns up a lot of gas.
They drove out the country.
She drove elsewhere.
Oh, my God.
That's just a minor annoyance of mine.
Yeah.
Someone's got to fill up gas at some point.
Because this guy, you think about that, or as anyone who, when you become a driver, you're always thinking about how much gas you need or where it is, and that drives me kind of crazy.
So she goes to Peru.
Yep.
And apparently this guy... He's just been sitting there for 30 years.
He's been waiting in the jungle for 30 years.
For her to come back.
I promised your mother I'd stand in this greasy, disgusting, sweaty spot for 30 years until you come back and then I'm going to push you in the water.
Well, it looks like he hasn't bathed in 20 years.
Well, I thought he was actually, his clothes were fairly clean for a guy who's wearing the same clothes he wore 30 years ago.
Yeah, but his hair was like greasier than like a french fries.
Oh my gosh.
So that to me was like when they pull these Japanese guys, like I told you about these Japanese guys live in the jungle, they don't realize the war has ended.
When they, when they,
Pull these Japanese guys out.
They're legit insane because they've been on their own living in the jungle for 30 years straight.
Thinking there's a war.
And so this guy is just like, yeah, no, I'm, you know, cracking up.
It's a good thing you came back.
Do you know how insane he'd be?
Like, thank God you're here so that I can leave this spot I've been stuck in because I made some promise to your mother that he didn't even know the mother.
And he's just like, I don't know, that bothered me insanely that it's like,
I'm so glad you have come back to have all of these questions answered.
I've been here 30 years.
I've been waiting.
Well, no, more than 30 years, because early 30s, they referred to her as... She looked like 35 or something.
She looked like 35.
Yeah, she actually did look a little rough in some of the close-ups, but... Yeah, so 35 years, I've just been standing in the jungle.
Can I tell you what else bothers... Sorry, I don't mean to over- No, no, go ahead.
Okay, what else bothers me about these jungle scenes?
Okay.
So we live in Canada.
Yeah.
When it's warm,
And we go into the woods in... They did actually have that.
They had that.
They had all the bugs.
No, they weren't in Canada.
They had all the bugs.
They had no flying bugs.
Yes, they did.
Where?
Okay, when they were walking through the woods, the three girls, they were swatting away bugs the whole time.
Uh, I didn't notice that.
I did.
I 100% noticed that.
Because I was waiting for them to jump on a tree stump and twerk.
Okay.
But... No, when she was in the jungle in Peru.
Okay, there were no bugs there.
No bugs!
It's the Amazon!
They had bugs in the forest all other times.
There were bugs that they were swatting.
Okay, when's the next movie?
I'm going back to check.
It's at nine something.
Oh God.
Oh no, it's at 630.
I can't even.
Okay, but in Peru, they're literally in the Amazon jungle.
It's so thick with bugs because we go, we step 10 feet out of the house and there's a tree and you're inhaling bugs.
Yeah.
Like I've done shows where I'm walking around the woods and it's like, I literally will breathe them in.
Yeah.
So, uh, and the Amazon is insane for drugs and scorpions and snakes.
Sorry.
And, and so the fact that, and it bothers me every single time they, uh, that, that Hollywood does anything in the jungle, it's completely bugless, which is completely insane.
And it gives people, I don't know, it's like the whole point of having a city and the whole point of having tarmac and the whole point of having a house is you're not inhaling bugs and getting bitten all the time.
Yep.
I mean, you ever see these survival shows where they put people on these desert islands or whatever and they just, even they lie on sand, they get chewed up from the sand fleas and all that, like the bugs are mental.
I remember we saw some documentary, it was like an animated documentary on dinosaurs and they talked just about how insane the bugs were for the dinosaurs and they literally would go insane.
There was one point where they would go and they had to leave at certain times of the year because the mosquitoes would kill them.
So bad, yeah, the mosquitoes would kill them.
Kill the babies, I think.
So, uh, yeah, that, uh, oh, that, that, that guy in the jungle is just literally a jaw-dropping, you know?
Let me just tell you.
And, uh, some of the fortune cookie stuff, like you must delve into your past to open up your future and things like, and it did turn out to be kind of true.
Her future changed once she understood her past.
But here's the thing.
Uh, if.
The story is something to do with understand your past, let go of resentment about your past and it opens up your future.
It's impossible because she's 35.
First of all, the fact that her mother never wrote down anything about why she was going to the Amazon to study these spiders.
Yeah.
Right.
That she would, she's got infinite notebooks from her mother and she never says, Oh, I need to go to the Amazon to get medicine for my unborn baby.
Yeah.
Never once.
That was kind of.
Also, where was the father?
No idea, right?
So, single mom, right?
I liked at the end when she said, sorry, just another thing about single mom, when they said, are any immediate family in the room at the end in the hospital?
They're all mine.
They're all mine.
And I was expecting, you know how funny it would have been if the doctor was just like, dang, like, what's wrong with you?
Yeah, she's been around, there's all different races, right?
There was the Hispanic girl, the black girl, the white girl.
That could have been the funniest scene in the whole movie.
If the doctor just gave an angel a look, like, oh.
Okay.
Or if she was shaking her hand and was like... Yeah.
So, oh, what was I talking about before?
And also, at the end, she's in a hospital and she's not the most wanted?
I guess it was all cleared up by magic.
Girl magic cleared it all up.
Oh my gosh.
The only movie I've seen that's worse was probably the second Avatar, which for some reason everybody I've talked to likes, and it's really a big problem at this point.
It's starting to make me think I'm crazy, but I'd say that's the only movie I've seen that's worse than this.
Godzilla?
Wait, there was some other movie that we saw.
Elemental.
Oh, Elemental was terrible.
Elemental and Avatar 2 and this, they're all at the very bottom.
Hang on, we just talked about this on the way to come and see the movie.
What was the one, it had the, sorry, it was a supergirl.
The Marvels.
The Marvels?
Yeah.
Oh, with the Indian guy.
That was also wretched.
Yeah, but that at least had good special effects.
The special effects in this were so bad.
There really weren't many special effects.
No, but when the signs were falling over at the very end, it looked so bad.
Also, quick question.
How did she know to drive the ambulance through the second story of a building to hit this guy perfectly?
That's a good question.
Does she have a flash forward and know where she was?
You know how funny it would have been if she just landed on the car full of people she was trying to see?
Whoops!
Sometimes you know the future, sometimes you're just a little off.
She was a bit wonky, had some lag.
But even if she knew the future, how is she supposed to know all of this stuff?
Oh my gosh.
And I thought it wasn't too bad that the teenage girls weren't super ninjas, although I guess in the future they'd become ninjas.
But why was... Okay, so if he had just... This is what was stupid.
If he had just left them all alone, they never would have met each other and become ninjas and tried to kill him.
Ironic, isn't it?
Ironic.
No, it's stupid.
They're trying to give you the irony.
It's stupid and he's retarded.
Stephen Ho, stupid.
What?
What's that guy on YouTube?
Stupid.
Stupid.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Emotional damage.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
That's great.
Okay, so tell me, but I know that you love to work with metaphors and analogies.
So what do you think it meant when he put all of the three teenage girls in danger
And she couldn't save them all at once, but she was able to create ghosts of herself and be in three places at once.
What do you think that meant from a psychological or self-knowledge or metaphorical, in a metaphorical way?
I think it meant that we should have left the theater a long time ago.
I can't believe we arrived too late to get snacks.
That was just appalling.
Snacks would have helped.
I think I wouldn't even eat them at that point.
I would just have been too depressed just swallowing away in sorrow from watching this.
Now, of course, I assume that this is a part of a story.
It's the origin story of the three girls.
What?
The three girls become like superheroes, right?
The black girl has, like, the spider body.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
So they become... They, like, become superheroes, right?
Wait, later on.
But how?
How do they get the powers?
Um... Well, no, no, the black girl... Do you remember if she was being held off the ground and she was being poisoned?
So apparently if you poison people, you create them with superpowers.
No, but she wasn't, because she never got the black veins on her face.
I thought she got black veins.
Unless they were just the color of her skin tone or something.
Yeah, no, I think that I saw the black veins.
Okay, but what about the other two?
They never got touched by the guy.
He didn't even give him a handshake or something.
Or like smile at them seductively the way he does.
I think that's the one delicate area in the film where the logic broke down a little.
Yeah, other than that it was picture perfect.
Perfectly sensible.
What happened to her eyes?
She got hit in the face when she fell in the water by lightning or firework or whatever.
Okay, see these fireworks are so powerful.
This is also blows my mind.
Through the water, they can blind her.
Well, they also, they go 20 or 30 feet into the water and still impact her heart.
And why didn't she just swim?
When she landed, literally just swim.
She wasn't unconscious.
She wasn't injured at that point, except for the punch that sent her flying into a wall.
Literally just swim.
Are you literally like an ER person and you can't even swim?
You suck.
No, but I will also say that it could have been that the water was a little chilly.
And she was just stunned.
So what?
Get over it!
Right.
Grow up!
And it was very, like, from an analogy standpoint or a metaphor standpoint.
You're trying so hard to philosophicalize this.
Okay, are you ready?
Are you ready?
Listen.
The three girls brought Cassie's heart back to life.
Back to life, Izzy.
Because they gave her chest compress- They brought her
Harge back to life!
With their absolutely wretched personalities?
Uh, they were not the most sympathetic girls known to man.
At all.
Dude, that- I don't know.
Number one, the Hispanic girl had no personality whatsoever.
She liked math- science, though.
Yeah, like, you know, girls usually do.
Math for breakfast.
Yeah, like, tell me you're a nerd without telling me you're a nerd.
There's not a single girl I know, if they looked like that.
You know, she had a good figure, she was attractive, right?
If a girl looked like that, and puts that much effort into makeup and hair, she's not gonna wear a shirt that says math for breakfast, because that literally erases all of the effort she's put into herself to look good.
If you saw a girl wearing that, wouldn't you just laugh?
You're like, where did it all go wrong?
No, I would say it's wonderful that she's into physical fitness and the mental discipline of mathematics.
I think that would be excellent.
Beautiful.
Wonderful.
Inspiring!
No, if you wear a shirt that says math for breakfast, you are a nerd.
You have no social life.
You sit at home on Friday nights doing math questions for fun and being a teacher's pet.
That's what happens if you wear a shirt that says math for breakfast.
I'm sorry.
That's just the logic.
If you wear that, you're a nerd.
OK, listen, I didn't want to tell you about teenage girls, but I'm going to have to step in.
I have to intervene.
OK.
Because you got it wrong.
OK, I guess I do.
No, I remember there was a girl who liked me in high school.
She played cello and she wore a T-shirt saying cello power.
And she was actually quite nerdy.
She was super nerdy.
Yeah.
But that's an exception to the rule.
See that's why I don't run around wearing a shirt that says I love ducks or something because even though I do love like ducks and geese and chickens, I'm not going to advertise it because I just lose my status.
Like you just don't wear shirts with text on them.
It's literally just like a rule.
What if you wear something that says I have status because I'd like to get one of those for myself.
No you, I am status.
I am status.
Assert dominance over your enemies.
I did have some trouble with some of the science.
No, I'm kidding.
All of it.
All right.
Is there any other things you'd like to say?
I highly recommend this.
You guys should go watch it.
You're gonna have so much fun.
Why do you hate my audience?
I'm so sorry.
They help keep us alive.
For any of the guys listening to this, never wear a shirt that says math for breakfast.
Like this goes applies to both men and women.
Well, the funny thing is, is that she says, where's the shirt that says math for breakfast?
And you could see half her stomach the whole movie.
Yeah.
And also like, why?
They never changed.
There's clothes.
How could they?
I don't know, but, like, their clothes must have smelled so bad.
Oh, the other thing, too, uh, so... See, this is why, sorry, this is why deodorant companies will make that deodorant that says active for, like, 72 hours.
It's because of situations like these.
If you get kidnapped by Spider-Woman.
Yeah, you need to smell good, you know?
Right.
Anyways.
So...
The other thing, too, is that these girls have watched cops get killed or maimed right in front of them.
They've been kidnapped.
They've been dragged through.
They've had a strange guy in a suit walk on the ceiling and attack them.
And they're doing each other's nails.
Eh?
No, that was later.
And they've also had very traumatic childhoods.
And very traumatic childhoods.
But you know what happens?
At the end of the day, they just fall asleep.
No problem.
Yeah!
You know, it's been like the worst, most terrifying, traumatic, terrifying day of their entire lives.
But, you know, they're just napping.
And in a tiny twin bed!
Yeah, they all just sleep.
No problem.
Like, I could not do that, bro.
I'd rather sleep on the floor.
I'd sleep in the curtains.
Like, no.
Oh, this is the thing, too.
So, they're in that motel, and I'm like, oh, thank goodness.
A quiet scene.
I can
Get some rest from the noise, right?
And then even when she opens the curtains, it's like a thunderbolt when she opens the curtains.
I'm like, oh, come on, they're curtains for heaven's sakes.
Yeah.
I'm stirring my coffee.
It sounds like a tsunami.
Like everything was so aggressive.
And also when they wake up and she plays the alarm to get them up, the girl just turns it off.
It's like you haven't just had the most traumatic day of your life and then you just want to sleep in some more.
Like what?
Wouldn't you be in, like, fight or flight mode and, like, leap out of bed and, like, start punching people?
Oh, for, like, a week?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
People go through that kind of trauma.
They can't sleep for, like, it takes a long time to get back the basic sleepy stuff.
That's even what the doctor was saying at the beginning.
Like, they even said it in the movie.
The doctor was saying, hey, you know, you almost drowned, Cassie.
You're gonna be having some issues.
Take a week off work.
They literally said it!
They're not even taking the own advice that they put in the movie!
But they, uh, need to rest up for the table dancing.
Because apparently when you get male writers writing teenage girls, they just table dance the boys.
This had to have been written by a woman.
I can't.
No, I think it was male writers.
I think it was women.
Oh gosh.
Look it up.
Look it up.
Pulling out the phone.
Look it up.
I believe it was male writers.
I can't believe that female writers would have teenage girls table dancing.
Okay.
Who?
I can't type.
Who.
Wrote.
Madam.
Webb.
My phone is lagging.
There we go.
Oh, Webb.
I get that.
Like Spider-Webb.
I just got that.
No way!
Alright.
Come on.
Tell me.
Written by... It's a dude fest.
The film was... Okay, Madame Webb is an American feature whatever.
It's a dude fest.
Produced by Columbia Pictures and D. Bonet Association and Picture Reading.
The film was directed by S.J.
Clarkson from a screenplay she co-wrote with Claire Parker and the writing team of Matt Cezama and Burke Sharpless.
It's male and female?
There were two women.
And two men.
Although, Burke Sharpless, that could be- I don't even know what the heck that is.
Burke?
B-E-R-K?
Yeah.
I think that's a male name.
Okay, so you're- what you're saying is that it was a woman- The film was directed and from a screenplay.
She co-wrote.
That's all I'm saying.
I am astounded.
So there were men and women in the writing.
But she would be primary.
If she's the director, she'd have the most say in it.
Yeah.
Okay.
You know what?
I'm actually, my very first question about feminism has arisen.
Story was also co-written, aside from the screenplay directed by, like the screenplay was directed by two women, two men.
No, directed by a woman, screenplay by two women, two men.
That's what I said.
So it was directed by a woman.
Story by?
Story by, it was a story written by Karim Sanga, Matt Sazama, and Burke Sharples.
I think Karim's a woman.
Okay.
Produced by Lorenzo.
That's a woman.
No, that's the last name, I think.
Lorenzo di Bonaventura.
No, Lorenzo is a man's name.
I know it sounds like a woman's name, but it is.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
Okay.
Well.
So it was women and men.
Yeah.
So I'm right.
Well, the woman's in charge as the director, I think.
Yeah, both right, but I'm righter, you know.
What was the budget?
$80 million.
Nice.
And the box office was only 49 million.
I'm so happy.
They wasted 116 minutes of my life.
Dude, I checked my phone and it only been like 40 minutes and I hear I was thinking it was like the movie was almost over.
That's rough.
Alright, so I'm afraid we're gonna have to give that two giant thumbs down.
Massive, bro.
That was like a negative 10.
Actually, negative 9 out of 10.
Negative 10 out of 10 would be Avatar and Elemental.
All right.
Well, thanks, everyone.
FreeDomain.com to help out the show.
Really appreciate your time.
And also, this did come out of a vote for my live stream yesterday.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I did ask people.
Oh, no, today.
Sorry.
I did ask people if they would enjoy a movie review of this movie.
And everyone said, you should definitely go and see it.
And we really look forward to your review.
OK.
It's their fault.
All right.
Bye.
Bye.
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