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Jan. 13, 2022 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
38:52
HOW TO WIN ON DATING APPS!
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Hi everybody, Stefan Molyneux from Free Domain.
Hope you're doing well.
I'm here with Richard and dating questions, dating advice.
You're on a bunch of apps, is that right?
That's correct.
Alright, so what's the story?
What's going on?
I don't know.
I keep on going on a lot of dates and, you know, the girl is going on one or two dates and then after that they just, you know, stop writing, stop texting, responding.
And, you know, whatever it is, people say, you know, maybe I'm too nice of a guy, but, you know, I try to, you know, treat women right and everything.
And, you know, it's, you know, not really, I don't know, it doesn't seem to work out with a lot of women.
Okay.
And how are you choosing the women?
Um, I mean, I do it based on looks, um, based on what they write in their bio.
Um, you know, Just you know personality and you know, but even even so it's like it's very hard to find that type of person But even when I try to find that person it still doesn't work out So you're choosing the women based on looks right mostly I mean, that's what gets your attention I mean kind of like part of it is like if they have like a lot of filters from like social media and everything it doesn't seem to I mean, I'm not gonna really choose that type of person, but They just naturally look good
And would you say that if women chose men based on looks, would they be picking you?
I would say so.
I mean, I'm not trying to be egotistical, but I think I'm pretty good looking.
I mean, my friends say I'm pretty good looking.
All right.
The problem is that, you know, some girls that I have gone on dates with, I mean, they were actually fatter than they really were.
I mean, Oh, like they show up and they had some kind of skinny filter on, right?
You know, 20, 30, 40, 50 pounds.
I mean, yeah.
And I don't do that.
I mean, I try to be honest, you know.
Look, I mean, you know, I'm an average shape.
I mean, I just say, you know, things about myself, the way I, you know, whatever it is, I always tell the truth and I, you know, never really lie to anybody.
I mean, even if it sounds, you know, kind of silly or whatever it is, like any questions they ask me, I try to be honest with them.
All right.
So your filters aren't working very well because you're choosing women.
And now after you go on the dates with the women, are you still interested in dating them?
I guess sometimes yes and sometimes no.
I mean, I gotta be honest, it's like 50-50.
No, but of the women, I guess not 100%, but of the women that you go on dates with that you want to keep dating, they don't want to keep dating you, right?
Yeah, I don't know where it is.
I mean, I don't know if the attitude all of a sudden changes after two or three days.
No, no, no.
Listen, I get that we don't know what it is.
That's why you're calling.
I understand that.
All right.
So, there clearly is a mismatch in values, right?
So, if you're continually pursuing women who aren't that interested in you, it means that there's a value mismatch, right?
I mean, if you pursued a woman and you shared the same values and you were, you know, both reasonably attractive and so on, then she would want to keep Dating you, so that means that you're casting your net way too wide.
You're trying to play a numbers game, right?
Now, when you try and play a numbers game, you're like, okay, well, it's sort of like sales, right?
This is sort of what I learned in corporate sales way back in the day.
It's like, well, you make a thousand phone calls.
Of those thousand phone calls, you get a hundred meetings.
Of those hundred meetings, you get ten on-site demos.
Of those ten on-site demos, you get one sale.
You know, so 0.1% of your phone calls are going to result in a sale, but the sales are $150,000, whatever it is, so it's worth it, right?
Yes.
So that's called playing the numbers game, right?
And people do it when they play the lottery and they play the slots, they're just playing a numbers game.
So you're trying to play a numbers game when it comes to dating, right?
Which isn't going to work.
It isn't going to work.
And the reason it's not going to work Is that if a woman does not feel that you're choosing her for her, she's not going to feel honored enough to choose you back, generally.
So if you want to get quality dates, you have to stop dynamiting everything in the sea and seeing what floats to the surface, if that makes any sense.
Yeah, it makes sense.
Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
I guess, yeah, maybe it just, I mean, what should I do differently then?
Okay, what do you want in a woman?
I want a person, yeah, a woman who has values, who has the same political views as myself.
Yeah, a person who, you know, whatever it is, just, you know, has, can have a great conversation with me.
And I know it sounds kind of vague, but I mean, it's just, you know, like the ideal thing of You know, finding a woman that, you know, has the same values, has the same, you know, experiences that you had.
I mean, I, you know, I have a two-parent household and both my parents love me.
Okay, hang on, sorry.
What are the values that you want the woman to embody?
Because, you know, the same values, I mean, you could be a serial killer.
I want a woman who knows how to gut a freshly killed hobo, you know?
I mean, what are the values in particular?
that you wanted to manifest?
You know, a person who just who doesn't really, you know, who doesn't smoke.
I never smoke.
Who's not like a heavy drinker, who isn't, you know, a heavy gambler or anything.
I don't do any of that stuff.
Someone who likes, you know, to take walks around the park or museums.
Okay, so hang on.
So this is so I can, that the problem is clear.
So first, the first things you're talking about are not values, but the absence of negatives.
What do you mean by that?
Well, so, listen, you can be free of disease but not healthy, right?
I mean, if you never exercise, you eat badly, you might specifically be free of a disease, you don't have a disease, or at least yet, but it doesn't mean you're healthy, right?
So what you're saying, well, don't smoke, don't drink, don't be a gambler, well, these are absences of a negative, they're not the presence of a positive.
And then you say, well, likes to walk around the park, it's like, come on, a duck can walk around the park, right?
I mean, you need to have specific virtues that you're looking for, otherwise, it's like, you know, you're looking in the woods for something and people say, what you're looking for?
I don't know, but I might know it when I find it.
It's like, that's a good way to never ever stop looking, right?
So, what in particular are the virtues that you're looking for?
Yeah, I mean, someone who has, you know, similar political views as myself.
And what are those political views?
Yeah, I mean, you know, whatever is, you know, Republican, right-wing, you know, small government, You know, he has less taxes, you know, able to, how do you put it, I guess, you know, knows how to spend money wisely, you know, wants to have kids, you know, I mean, has like some sort of like social circle that's really good.
You could probably hear how vague this all sounds, right?
Yeah.
So listen, the fact that someone agrees with your particular positions does not make them suited for you.
Does not make them well suited for you, and I'll tell you why.
So let's say you're a small government guy.
Now let's say that you came to that small government conclusion through rigorous years of reading and thinking and challenging yourself, right?
And let's say that you meet a woman and she's like, oh yeah, I'm for small government too, and the reason she is is that that's what her dad told her was good and she's never thought about it more than that, right?
Well, you don't share values.
You may share conclusions, but you don't share the process called thinking.
Now, of course, it could be that you are a small government Republican guy because that's just how you grew up, and maybe she went through all this process of reasoning and thinking and so on, right?
But the fact that she agrees with you does not mean that you're suited to each other.
Because, you know, life, you're a young guy, right?
Life is really, really long.
Life is a long freaking time.
It really is a long time.
And you want people who can think and reason and assess new evidence and come to new conclusions and reform old ideas.
Like people involved in a process of thinking, not in conclusions that happen to match yours, right?
So you want someone who can think Much more than you want someone who merely agrees with you, if that makes sense.
Yeah, it makes some sense.
Hang on, you say it makes some sense, which I'm perfectly willing to accept, as there's a limitation in what I'm saying, but what part of it does not make sense, or what aspect is missing for you?
You want someone to have the complete opposite views from what you have, and then you're always constantly arguing.
Because the problem is, a lot of the girls that I've dated, you know, more left-leaning, and it's like, you know, they always go into these rants and everything, and it's like, I feel like I'm just defending myself and I guess, you know, I mean, I guess maybe that's part of the reason why it doesn't work either.
Okay, I'm getting a lot of crackling on your side.
I don't know if you're moving around or what, but... Yeah, I moved something around.
Yeah, I need you to try and stay still.
Okay.
Okay, listen, so let's say that you meet a woman and she believes the opposite of what you believe, but she's willing to listen and you can reason together, right?
I mean, you're not perfectly right.
I'm not perfectly right.
We want people who can challenge us as well, right?
Absolutely.
Okay, so the fact that she has different conclusions from you is not a deal-breaker.
The question is, can she sort of think and reason through them?
Is she dogmatic, or is she a fundamentalist regarding her belief systems, which, you know, they can't be questioned, they can't be opposed, or anything like that.
If you oppose her, you're bad, or you hate the poor, or whatever, right?
So, again, of course, if you If you've reasoned yourself into your opinions and you're with someone who has the same opinions but is dogmatic or has opposite opinions but is dogmatic, it's probably not going to work.
In fact, the former is more dangerous because it seems like it should work but it won't.
Because you're going to change your mind over time.
You're going to evolve to pure anarchism or whatever, right?
You're going to change your views and you're going to evolve and if she doesn't or can't or won't, then you're really going to have a... You know, it'd be like trying to surface from a deep swim to find that the The top of the lake is frozen over and you can't get through.
I mean, you know, there's a real ceiling there, right, to what you can achieve.
Okay.
Okay, so... Go ahead.
I mean, the thing is... I mean, I've dated girls of, like, you know, younger ages and, you know, a little bit older.
But I just feel like, you know, the older women are just into, you know... I'm not gonna... I hate to stereotype, but I feel like a lot of the older women, they just want a guy to support them.
Like, even if they're working a full-time job, like, they want a guy to earn even more than them.
And I just feel like that's not really love, that's just, you know, our being financially stable.
I mean, I feel like there should be some sort of reciprocation, some sort of commonality.
You're saying that the older women want a guy to support them?
Not support them, but like, oh, you know, let's say they're working like a, you know, a big corporate job, like they want a guy who earns even more than them.
Well, of course they do.
I'm sorry, of course they do.
It's like saying that women who want babies, they want a man with a penis.
It's like, that's not shocking, is it?
Maybe I'm missing something here, and I'm perfectly happy to be wrong, but of course women want a man who makes more than they do.
You know why, right?
I mean, I guess when they have kids, then they won't be able to work, and then the guy has to support the whole family.
I mean, if they want a two-part family.
Yeah, I mean, they want a man who makes More money the way that you want a woman with good fertility markers, clear skin, nice hair, and a good hip-to-waist ratio, even features, and you know, like, that's how we're programmed, right?
And you can wander a little bit off the reservation as far as that programming goes, but not super far, right?
Right.
So maybe I'm missing something, but why wouldn't they want a man who can Provide for the family, especially if they're older and they want kids, right?
Because then they're looking at time out of the workforce.
And if they're the primary breadwinner, then they can't very easily stay home.
You know, take a silly example of some lawyer who earns $300,000 a year and she's dating some guy who makes $30k a year.
I mean, let's say she wants to stay home and she wants to breastfeed and be there for her babies.
Well, she's given up $300,000 a year to settle on $30,000 a year.
Or she goes back to work and, what, he tries to breastfeed with, like, duct tape and a straw?
I don't know, right?
I mean, it doesn't work out.
Now, I mean, it's tough for those women, right?
This is something I did a show many years ago on this, about how as women get more professional, as they get higher incomes, more educated and more successful, then the pool of men that they can date goes down and down and down.
And for those guys, it's like they're rock stars, right?
Because if you make $400,000 a year, then the woman making $300,000 a year is pretty happy about that, but then so is every other woman known to man, right?
So, yeah, so I wouldn't blame women for that.
That's kind of how nature has programmed them to look for a man with more resources.
And you're the same way.
I mean, you're looking for a woman who's young and attractive and has the capacity to have children and all that, right?
You know, it's like women complaining, you know, well, you know, guys who, let's say there's some woman, she can't have kids for whatever reason.
She says, well, you know, the guys who want to start a family, they just won't give me the time of day.
And it's like, well, yeah, that's because they want kids and you can't give them that.
Right.
So, um, I just, you know, want to give you that, you know, sort of wet fish, wet fish upside the head reality, uh, call, right.
Wake up call.
Yeah.
Women want men who make more money.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know what to say about that, other than look in the mirror, because you want women who are more fertile.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know.
I think part of the problem is, though, you know, more women in the workforce.
And I think, honestly, some jobs, I think they're biased that they want more women than men.
And, you know, I just feel like it's kind of an unfair advantage that they have over the men, because, you know, I don't know, the quota system of all the... Oh yeah, listen, that's a whole... the whole affirmative action, hire more women, keep them from having babies, that's a whole... let's stay in your dating life.
I get that, but let's not get drifted off into that.
Okay, so, yeah, you're gonna, you know, you're gonna need to make some money if you want a good woman, on average.
I mean, there are exceptions, but, you know, it's not a bad place to start.
You're just gonna go out And you're going to have to start dating some money before you start dating some women, right?
I don't want to brag, but whatever it is, I have a good amount of savings.
I mean, I invested money in the stock market.
It went up pretty well.
I'm not going to say how much I have, but whatever it is, I was able to double my money at least.
No, I mean, that's great, but it's not how much money you have.
It's your attitude about women wanting a man with money.
Because I think you're like, whoa, that's kind of like transactional, and that's, well, of course it is.
Of course it is.
I mean, we evolved, we didn't evolve for love in some abstract platonic sense, we evolved for love as pair bonding.
So that we could raise children, right?
The only reason there are men and women, the only reason we have hormones that draw us to each other, the only reason we have hunger for sex, the only reason that men are ambitious for the most part, and the reason that women put on fertility-enhancing makeup, it's all to do with having children.
And so you don't want to disconnect love, attraction, resources, dating, you name it, from the game.
And the game is not having sex, the game is not being a player, the game is not getting dates, the game is not having a girlfriend, the game is not having arm candy, the game is having children.
That's what it's all about.
That's what it all revolves around.
It doesn't mean that everyone you date has to be the mother of your children or anything like that, but that's the reality.
And the sooner you get to that reality, the better off You'll be, because the danger is, if you're not filtering women correctly, or you don't understand the real nature of the game, then you're going to start losing confidence, which is, I think, why you're calling, because you're saying, well, holy crap, these women are not going out with me, they're not dating me, that's bad, and you're going to start to lose confidence, right?
And don't be in that situation.
I'm sorry?
Yeah, no, no.
Exactly, I mean, I know people, whatever it is, who just play video games all day in their basement, or whatever it is, and it's like, I mean, I definitely don't want to be like that, but yeah.
Another thing, too, though, I see some guys that are fairly successful, though, but they're in their 40s and 50s, but they're never married and never had kids.
In my opinion, I feel like it's easier for me to make a million dollars than to find a really good woman.
I don't know, because I feel like… But, dude, you don't even know what a good woman is yet.
Right?
I mean, walks around the park.
I mean, the homeless people shuffle around the park, but it's not what you're looking for, right?
So you don't have a clear definition of what it is that you're looking for, and therefore, guaranteed, you're never going to find it.
I mean, until you get the definition straight, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
So, I'll throw out a couple of virtues that I think are important.
You can sort of let me know what you think.
So, you need a woman who has moral courage.
Why?
Why do you think that might be important?
Um, you know, able to fight for herself, able to, you know, I mean, when she has kids, able to, you know, fight for the kids.
Yeah, because I mean if you're a small government kind of guy, if you're on the right, if you're a Republican leading and so on, you're going to face a lot of hostility.
You're going to face snarky shit from other parents.
You're going to face, if you get any kind of prominence, you might get hit pieces in the local media.
You're going to face a lot of negativity on social media if that's where you hang out from time to time.
So, yeah, you're going to need a woman who can stand up against the crowd, who can stand for what she believes in, and not in a way that's going to call down some crazy airstrikes on your house, if that makes any sense.
So you need a woman who has moral courage, right?
Right.
Have you been looking for that at all on Tinder?
Funny enough, I mean, Tinder I think is one of the worst, but I actually have been on some conservative dating sites.
I mean, I gotta be honest, there's almost nobody on it, but I know it's quality It's better than quantity, but yeah, like there's like one or two girls I matched with, but I mean, I know that it didn't seem to work out.
I know like one of them said she didn't want to know if she wanted to see me, you know, she just kind of fall away.
I know what happened to the other one.
Like you just got ghosted?
Yeah.
Uh, she just lost interest.
I don't know.
I know what it was.
It's like, I, you know, You're talking back and forth, I really like that.
What is going on with your mic, man?
This is really annoying.
It's just crackling in my ear all the time.
Are you moving around a lot, or what?
Because it's going to be really distracting for people.
I'm sorry, I was just, yeah, moving a little bit.
Yeah, I hate to say it, but if your mic is sensitive to movement, you've got to stop moving, okay?
I can't fix all that afterwards, and I really don't want to spend the time.
So, all right.
Okay, so listen.
If you don't know exactly what you want, then no woman is going to feel special to you.
Yeah.
Right?
You need to have your values defined to the point where when the woman clicks into your value set, right, like she's got everything that you want, that she's going to feel really special to you, right?
Whereas if you're like, yeah, I want a woman who's in a small government, you know, or is pretty or whatever, right?
She's never going to feel that special.
And if she's never going to feel that special, then she's just going to keep her options open, right?
Yeah.
So if you have your list, and a woman meets that list, then you really go for it, right?
Of course, I'm not talking about being a stalker or anything like that, but you really tell her.
You're the one.
You're the one for me.
You're the one I've been looking for.
And, you know, get in the van.
Just kidding.
You're the one I've been looking for, and so please, Lord above, let's find a way to make this work, right?
But until you've got your values, until you've got your values defined, what it is you're looking for, you won't know who to say no to, and you sure as hell won't know who to say yes, yes, yes to.
Wow.
Yeah, you're right.
You're just casting a net in.
See what comes up, right?
I guess in a sense, yeah.
I mean, I might as well say it, but yeah, I never had sex with a woman.
In that case, I'm choosing for the right woman, but I guess that's not really enough.
I'm sorry, I didn't follow much of that.
If you could repeat it, I don't know what you mean.
I never had sex with a girl before.
And how old are you?
21, almost 22.
Okay, good.
Well, listen, that's great if you've kept your heart pure for the right woman, that's great.
But it means that you've got to make sure it's the right woman when you make your big play, right?
Right.
Okay, so, you know, I don't think that's bad.
I don't think that's wrong.
In fact, that used to be quite the norm.
So, you know, good for you, but with their sort of hormonal, maybe virgin guilt desperation, you don't want to be sitting there saying, well, I've got to cast this net wider just so I get someone, right?
Right.
Because then it's going to be... I've known people who've lost their virginity to entirely the wrong person, and it really does kind of haunt them.
It really does kind of stick with them, and that's not great.
Wow.
Now, have you dated much in the past, or gone out a little bit and just hasn't gone all the way, or how has that played out?
I mean, I hate to say it, the longest date I had, like with a relationship with a girl, was like in fifth grade.
It was like before, the hormones and everything, it was kind of just like a, you know, little kid thing, you know, that we would just, you know, go places and, you know, go around the block and, you know, call each other almost every day.
I mean, you can almost talk, I guess that's like a good friend, but you hold hands and, you know, stuff like that.
Right.
Do you have a particular anxiety or belief system that is keeping you from moving things forward from a sort of physical sense?
With the girl, I mean, that was kind of before I hit puberty, so... Oh, well good, good, I'm glad.
Not reading Teen Vogue or anything, okay.
Okay, so yeah, let's look at some other virtues.
You need the virtue of honesty, right?
You need the virtue of honesty to have a successful relationship.
And honesty is kind of one of these complicated things, right?
Because let's say that you did something that upset the woman, right?
Do you know what you needed her to say?
What should she say?
You just did something that upset me, and here's why, without blaming you.
Like, you jerk, you upset me, but just, you know, being honest.
I've got a whole book about this called Real-Time Relationships.
The Logic of Love, which you can get for free at freedomain.com.
Just click on the books menu.
But you need a woman who's going to be honest with you, because the alternative to honesty is manipulation.
Right?
If you're in a relationship, there's no such thing as non-engagement, unless you've ghosted and that's the end of the relationship.
So you need a woman who is going to tell you when she's upset with you without blaming you.
Then you have something you can work with, right?
You don't know.
Like, just because someone upsets you doesn't mean it's their fault or their bad or doesn't mean you're bad.
You know, it's just...
It's interesting, right?
It's just an interesting question.
Like, where's it coming from?
Is it coming from the past?
Is it coming from the present?
Is it coming from fears of the future?
Is it being exaggerated?
Has it been minimized in the past and is blowing?
It's hard to say, right?
So, a woman who's going to be honest with you.
So, emotional honesty, intellectual honesty, very important.
Moral courage.
Super important.
Independence of mind, independence of character, willingness to think for oneself.
Super important.
And a willingness to allow for the division of labor in a relationship that allows the man and the woman to have their particular areas of leadership.
Because that's the division of labor.
I mean, one of the reasons why marriages don't work is that everyone's told, oh, the woman's told, well, you've got to be just like a man.
And the man's told, well, you've got to really understand and be sensitive to the needs of the woman.
And it's like, no, you don't.
No, I mean fundamentally no.
What you need to do is you need to have divisions of labor so that you can be efficient.
And out of your efficiency comes productivity and out of productivity comes happiness to a large degree.
Like you wouldn't sit there and say, well I need to build a house.
So I need to hire a roofer but the roofer has to be equally good at hanging drywall and putting in the plumbing and doing the electrical and they have to, like everyone has to be as good as everyone else at everything.
You would never want that, it would be ridiculous because you need people who are specialized so that they can do their job and you don't need people who are experts at everything and do everyone's job.
So whenever you If you want to make something, you get the specialist to come in, right?
You want to finish your basement, but you get the guy to hang the drywall who's really good at hanging drywall, and you get the guy to do the electrical who's specialized in electrical and sucks at drywall, and same thing with the plumbing, good at plumbing, bad at drywall and electrical.
And the division of labor, where people have their particular areas of expertise and it works out beautifully, that's the foundation of modern capitalism and that's the foundation of the success of the free market.
Division of labor is key, and Michael Jordan doesn't do his own damn typing, But somehow in marriages and in relationships we think that, well, everyone's got to be equal at everything.
And the man and the woman both have to be equally good at making money and running a household and raising the kids and and dealing with the relatives and remembering people's anniversaries.
It's like, no!
No, they really don't.
In fact, that's a terrible, terrible idea that makes everything impossible.
You can't build a house if everyone has to be equally good at everything.
You just can't, because you can't find those people and If you expect the plumber to be equally good at electrical, then you're just going to get bad electricity.
You're just going to get bad electrical, right?
And it's going to be frustrating.
And you're going to feel like the plumber did a bad job because he wasn't great at the electrical, even though he may be great at the plumbing.
So, a woman who's willing to let the man lead and be the expert and be the authority in particular areas, just as he is willing to let her lead, In order to be the expert and have the mastery and the dominance in certain fields.
It's great, you know?
You're building a house, you want the plumbing guy to say to the electrical guy, hey man, you go do the electrical, I'll do the plumbing.
And I'm not going to consult you a whole bunch on the plumbing and you don't have to consult me a whole bunch on the electrical, we're just going to do our thing and that's how we get the damn house built.
And it's the same thing with marriage.
Division of labor is key in marriage.
You have to trust your partner enough.
Like, let's take a typical example, right?
Husband's making the money, the wife's raising the kids, and she pays the bills and runs the household.
So he's got to be comfortable handing over the money to her.
Right?
That's a trust exercise, right?
So she has to have integrity.
She's not a secret spender.
She's not bidding on Michael Jackson memorabilia on eBay.
She's just not doing any of that garbage, right?
And she has to trust that he's not squirreling money away or hiding it and and he's working as hard as he can for the family while reasonably spending time with the family and and he's taking care of the income and you know she's got to trust that and she's got to give up her job to raise the kids so she's got to trust that he's going to be there for her and and continue to maintain the household income and all that so that's mutual trust and we've kind of been trained that the woman's not supposed to trust the man Because, you know, he could just leave you and then where are you going to be?
You've got no job skills, right?
Just don't trust the man.
And then the man is supposed to not trust the woman.
Well, she could just meet someone online while you're away working all day and then she's going to take the kids, she's going to leave, take half your stuff, right?
And so you need a woman who's confident enough to surrender control to you in the areas where you're good at stuff.
And you have to have the trust and belief in yourself to be able to hand over to the woman the stuff that she's going to be great at and if you can't do that you're just trying to build a house with everyone being an expert at everything and arguing with everyone about how everything should be done and nothing gets finished so you need that a woman who's confident enough to let a man lead you need to be confident enough to let the woman lead
in areas she's great at.
And again, you could sort of put in traditional gender roles here.
I do that for sake of illustration, but it could be any number of things.
Maybe the man's really great at raising the kids, and maybe the woman's really great at making money.
It could be any number of things, as far as that goes, right?
So, that's another thing that you want.
You want a woman, of course, who is critical of extremist forms of feminism, and who's critical of Socialism and so on and again not just mindlessly critical but thoughtfully critical because if you want your children to succeed in what we still have Aspects of the free market What was I just reading American companies have brought what a billion dollars back a trillion dollars back because of Trump's tax cuts and investing it all that so if you have
A wife who's like a hardcore feminist or a hardcore socialist or whatever, then she's going to raise the children with resentment to the system that gives them their only real moral chance of success, right?
So if you've got some feminist on your hands, she's going to raise her daughters to feel that there's this horrible rape culture patriarchy out there and, you know, that's just going to make her jumpy and nervous and it's going to be a disaster for her life.
And that's like a horrible, horrible environment to raise.
Children and so on.
And so you're looking for, you know, reasonable values.
And so there's a lot that you have on the list, which means that you're looking for a rare woman.
And if you're looking for a rare fish, there's no point casting the net really wide.
Because you're not going to catch the fish.
Or if you do, I mean, it's like winning the lottery rather than saving for your retirement.
I guess it happens but you can't plan for that, right?
It's not how you should plan your life.
So if you're looking for a very rare fish, you need to figure out where they are and you need to go there.
And then you need to Put your best foot forward and present yourself in a way that you know what you're there for and you know what you're looking for and if she matches that you need to let her know in no uncertain terms that you think she's absolutely wonderful and you need to declare yourself.
Declare yourself is kind of like an old phrase where you sit there and say, you know, I think you're just fantastic.
I think you're wonderful.
I could really see getting very serious with you.
I've thought of a lifetime together.
I think that we fit together really well.
I think we'd be very happy together.
I think we'd be very productive together.
I think we'd have a wonderful life.
I'm pretty sure you couldn't do better than me.
I'm very sure I can't do better than you.
And, uh, you know, what do you say to, you know, I'm not saying let's get married right now, but what do you say to exploring this relationship with the intention of it being serious, not with like a fling or play around or let's see who better might come along and all that.
And you declare yourself, your level of interest in the woman.
And then you say, well, it's because, listen, I've been looking for these 10 things and you mathematically impossibly meet 12 of them because there's two I didn't even know I wanted.
They happen to be your chest zeppelins.
Once you know what you're looking for and you find it, then the woman is going to feel special and appreciated and not replaceable, right?
You cast your net wide, you know.
What's the stupid, there's a website or an app or plenty of fish?
I mean, what the fuck does that say other than everyone looks the same as every other piece of tuna?
Right.
Everyone's replaceable.
You know, you buy a can of fucking tuna, you don't sit there and say, well, no, I wanted a different tuna.
I wanted another tuna.
Not this tuna.
This is the wrong tuna.
I mean, you look at those shoals of fish.
I mean, they all look the same.
These clouds of anchovies with their asses being chased by swordfish and Porpoises, I mean, they're all the same.
So, plenty of fish is like, well, that's horrible.
I just want a fish.
Way to be selective.
So, you know, don't do any of that garbage.
Swipe left, swipe right garbage is just nonsense.
Let all the losers who are just looking to get their rocks off, let those guys pursue all that trash, right?
And I mean that almost literally, right?
Yeah, I mean, I heard a lot of guys on the dating sites do that.
I mean, some of the girls have told me that.
So, yeah.
Can I just play the numbers and swipe, swipe, swipe?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's so passive.
That's never going to get you what you want.
Right.
You know, like when I, I mean, I love philosophy.
So, you know, 15 years ago, give or take, I said, well, I really want to start a philosophy show.
I didn't just sit there saying, well, I'm just going to take random jobs until I find what I like, right?
It's not how it worked for me.
Again, it couldn't have worked for me because this job, what I do now, didn't exist back then.
So it was factually, fundamentally, and functionally impossible for me to get my dream job by casting a net into the ocean.
He's not going to hate.
I'll try being a sign painter and then maybe I'll train to be a lawyer and then maybe I'll serve crullers at a donut shop and then I'll be a road painter and then, you know, like a parachute instructor.
I don't have enough lifetimes to waste on just casting my net.
Why?
You've got to figure out what you want and you've got to go for it.
And that's why you're not getting any commitment because you're not committing to anything.
Oh, great!
Here's a woman who'll go out with me.
Well, that's not going to make her feel special at all, right?
Yeah.
And if you don't have some... Like, if people are playing the Plenty of Fish Numbers game, if you don't have some overweening characteristic that separates you from the herd, you're just another tuna in a cloud.
You're just another anchovy in a whirlpool.
There's nothing that differentiates you.
Now, if you're like, I don't know, the one-in-a-thousand super hot guys, you know, or you're Shawn Mendes with, you know, his talent and lots of tousled hair and great height.
I actually saw him at the airport.
He seems like a super nice guy.
But anyway, I mean, if you don't have something extraordinarily distinguishing, like super great looks or fantastically athletic or born wealthy or whatever, right?
Whatever is tickling women's fancy that 12-minute cycle or whatever.
Then you're just another guy, and if you're not finding a woman, if all women are just kind of anchovies in a cloud to you, then how can you expect to differentiate yourself to them?
What are you asking them to commit to?
But I'm this anchovy, not that anchovy.
They're like, yeah, well, you know, what does that mean, right?
It doesn't mean much.
Does that make any sense?
Yeah, no, it does.
Part of it is, I did narrow it down a little bit.
I don't like girls who smoke marijuana.
Yeah, but again, you're just looking for the absence of a negative.
That's not enough to get a woman's commitment.
Look, women want to be the one.
They want to be the one.
And if the woman's not the one for you, then release her to find the guy who she is the one for.
Because, you know, a lot of men are complaining that women aren't committing to them.
And it's like, okay, well, but did you find a woman of your dreams who matches not just the values you have in the moment, but the values that are sensible and essential for long-term happiness and prospering?
And I mean, listen, I mean, I'm never getting remarried because there's nobody better for me than my wife.
Like, and I tell her that.
I mean, very clear.
There's nobody better for me than my wife.
There's no upgrade from her.
It's not possible.
Even if I had some fantasy bring-to-life Frankenstein design-o-bot.
Couldn't do it.
Couldn't do it.
Couldn't create someone better for me.
And she feels the same way.
And that's what you need.
Someone who's irreplaceable.
Not just another fish in the school.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Good.
Good.
Yeah, I mean...
I mean, I guess what, I mean, just, we should write down everything that... Write down everything you want?
Absolutely everything you want, everything you need going forward.
Write down the list of what your kids want in the woman you're gonna get serious with, right?
What do they want?
Write down how you want her to behave, write down the areas you're willing to surrender authority to her, where you want her to surrender authority to you.
It doesn't mean you're going to get everything you want, but you've got to have the list.
And keep me posted about how it goes.
That's most of what I wanted to say because I think you've got to go make the list and all of that and take it for a spin.
But I hope that you'll drop a line and let me know how it goes because it's a big topic.
And I certainly wish you the very best.
And you have a lot to offer a woman, no doubt.
Thank you.
Thank you, yeah.
I mean, it's just that I feel like, you know, obviously, as you see, a lot of relationships aren't working these days, and it's like... No, that's because people aren't choosing each other based upon rational values.
They're just choosing each other based on circumstances and physical attraction, and We share hobbies and we have similar upbringings and it's like that's not enough.
It's not enough.
It's just a fish in the neighboring shoal.
It's still not an individualized human being.
Gotta love that person for who they are, not how much they copy who everyone else is.
All right, listen, I wanted to keep this short because I want to make sure this gets out to as many people as possible, but I really, really do appreciate the conversation and I think it sounds like it was helpful.
And this way, once you find a woman who's incredibly special to you, Then you will be very special to her if she's sensible and that's how you start building the Real Foundation, all right?
Okay.
Thanks, man.
Take care.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you and happy holidays.
Thanks, man.
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