All Episodes
Previous Next
April 1, 2020 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
01:21:10
Stefan Molyneux Live Stream
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Hey everybody, it's the Steph Bot from Free Domain.
I hope you're doing well. I hope that you can live without my gorgeous profile as we dive into the next round of Doom Eternal.
Doom Eternal, also known as working from home in your pajamas, barely shaving, living on a steady diet of ramen noodles and things you find under the couch.
How is your at-life situation?
World going these days, my friends.
How are things for you?
Hello, hello, hello.
How you guys doing? Ah, the best of the very best.
That is right. Hello, Philip.
Hello, Madman Mark.
Hello, Gishindin and Chris.
South Carolina. Nice to meet you guys.
That's right. I'm working from home.
Don't tell my family.
COVID. Updates.
Doom Eternal is COVID. And we are...
Well, we're going to chat.
How are you guys doing? Is my audio coming through all right?
And music not too obnoxious?
What have we got here? Hi, Ron.
Hi, Houston. How are you doing?
You know, Houston, let me tell you Houston, right?
So many years ago, first time I went to Houston for business, I stepped out of the airport onto the street, you know, back when...
Remember back when we had airports?
That was cool.
But... I walked out of the airport and I thought, oh man, somebody's like been idling a truck right here in front of the exit to the airport.
Funny story, turns out it was not anybody idling a truck.
That's just Houston Air.
I just wanted to mention that.
Well, I guess you're from Houston.
You love my debates. I appreciate that.
Just asked my missus to have our second child.
Do I get a congrats? Well, you don't get a congrats for asking, my friend.
Do not get the test or vaccine.
I don't know. I've hearing people talking about them calling the government saying, I think I got COVID. And they're like, well, just stay home.
We're not going to test you. Why? Because we don't have enough.
Masks will help. Masks will help.
Alberta, Canada! Please separate so I have a place to move to.
Just... Oh, hello from Uruguay.
Well, nice to meet you, actually.
I work with a guy from Uruguay on the website.
So very, very nice. And...
Oh, it's so nice that you guys...
I don't know. Can you see this chat?
Okay, let's... Enough chatting.
Are we waiting for people to come in to show up?
I suppose so, right?
Okay. Doom and gloom, Steph.
I just got booted.
Well, what can I tell you?
What can I tell you?
Candace Owens' commentary about the infant death in Connecticut.
Yeah, well, it does seem that there is going to be some falsehoods around the death count and all of that, which is not particularly great, of course, right?
YouTube crash? No, really?
Gameplay. Yeah, it's coming.
I'm just waiting to see what's going up.
For some reason, this is not showing up in my stream on YouTube for some reason.
Anyway, it doesn't hugely matter because we've got the chat up here, right?
But yeah, I went out for a walk today.
I've decided not to run up to people that I meet on my outdoor walks and say, hugs!
Instead... Now what I do is I say, in every zombie movie, you always get to meet at least another human being you get to be wary about.
And so that seems important.
All right. This is slowly becoming another version of gun control groups claiming that there are 350 mass shootings a year.
Yeah, something's got to happen, right?
I don't know. Sorry. I just don't know why this is not showing up on my streams here.
Let's see here. Manage.
I should see this on my...
It doesn't hugely matter, but anyway.
All right. Shall we get going?
I've got a new thing here which says Customize.
Uh, hey!
Woman I dated in my 20s.
You're short, one rocket.
Alright. Uh, what is that?
I don't want to customize.
Play a badge. I get a cool badge?
What do I get? Icon.
Uh, let's see here.
Uh, what do I got here?
Doomsday? Awarded for milestone completion.
I survived three days at home in coronavirus.
I like that one. All right, that looks cool.
All right. That, you know, that's got to be my entrance to speeches, you know, if and when I get back.
That's got to be me, man.
That has got to be me. When I get back to public speaking, this is how I want to end for looking exactly at this.
Come, Marxists, let us with the rumbling.
All right. Oh, that's for multiplayer?
Okay. Well, I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing any of that multiplayer stuff.
All right. We're going to campaign here, right?
Hurt me plenty. Sorry, I actually mean to.
It's supposed to be Nightmare Doom Extra Spicy Level, I believe.
All right. Game slot.
Okay, there we go. There we go.
You guys are going to give me some lovely feedback here on how I'm doing and remind me.
It's right-click for the alternate fire, right?
Right-click for the alternate fire.
Oh, yes. I did just finish off something kind of cool here, which was a key, right?
I have acquired an Empyrean key.
It is the key to wisdom.
It is the key to logic.
Acquire all six to activate Maker Device in the Fortress of Doom, which unlocks the Unmaker.
And that's where babies come from.
All right. So that's good, right?
I have that, and I also have low ammo.
That's got to be a great combo, right?
And let me just check in here with my Discord community.
Is it all coming through nicely?
The video is good.
Are we smooth as butter?
Smooth as butter. Let's see.
Anyone? Smooth as butter?
No? I am extra spicy, actually.
Not many people realize that.
Which, you know, for a British person is just spicy.
Now, if I remember...
So those of you who've not been following me along, and apparently there would be some people out there who've not been watching this glorious escapade into digital mayhem goodness, then we are now into some sort of jumping nightmare.
All right? So what do we got to get to here?
What do we got to get to here?
Right? Right? Yeah, Trump isn't losing.
Although, I will tell you this, man, it's really ridiculous that they're looking to bring in seasonal workers during a time of massive unemployment.
I mean, I kind of get it, right?
Because they've got to get the food on people's tables and all that.
But man, can you imagine how much wages would go up?
Oh, num zero, climb wall.
That was not accidental at all.
I was planning all of that.
All right. Here we go, here we go.
What do we got? Oh, this is my...
Ooh. Alright.
So, what's our pattern here?
Alright. Oh!
Oh, look at that!
He makes the gay porn sound and makes it across.
Uh... Uh-huh.
Okay. Good, good, good.
All is going beautifully...
So lovely! Here we go.
Uh-huh. And what is the purpose of all of this, exactly?
I like to go to the engineering behind these kinds of things.
All right. One.
Ah! I almost dropped off that last one there, didn't I? That was close.
All right. Do I have somewhere to get in here?
Yes. Oh, come on.
I'm playing Doom, not Rayman.
Somebody says I make that sound and I'm not gay.
Well, I guess you're not an Alex Jones frog now, are we?
Do you guys want to do a cutscene?
Huh? I bought you an hourglass, dude.
With a Rocket League ball in it.
Yes, it will.
Now we should have borders.
I have a gayer ball than you do.
Mine's lit up. Disco ball!
God!
Sorry.
Hail to hug.
Wolverine!
...when his heart is laid to rest, and his soul will be at peace.
Thank you.
Hmm. I guess if I were down in demon land, I'd start believing in souls too, right?
Okay. I'm not supposed to shoot my friend, right?
And what are they burning here?
That stuff shouldn't burn.
Bones don't burn. Trust me.
I mean, don't ask me how I know.
I'm just saying that bones don't burn.
All right, so we've got something here.
I'm just going to have a quick poke around.
He said in a seductive tone, we've got stack of goop.
We've got train track with no train, or train with no train track.
We've got mystery millstone.
Oh, give me the sword, give me the sword.
Let me pretend I'm in Skyrim.
No, all right. Helmut, Helmut Nyborg, all right.
Random demon skull.
That seems like it should be lighting something up over here, don't you think?
Alright, let's go up here.
And... Oh, man.
That is...
Riblets.
Giblets and riblets. Alright, here we go.
Up here, up here. There's usually tidy stuff up here.
They give you some place to go that you don't expect to go.
Oh, no. Then it must be down here.
Sorry. I'm a bit anal when it comes to scooching around and seeing what things there are to see.
And that, actually, a fantastic representation of all of the crap coming out of my Marxist professors when I was in college.
All right. Nowhere to go.
Nowhere to go. And I literally cannot believe that there's just no safety here.
Narco-capitalism doesn't have an answer to how to stop children from being sold in sex traffic operations.
What? Of course it does.
Of course it does. And are you telling me that statism does have an answer to this?
Do you really feel that under statism, children don't get sold into sex trafficking operations?
The betrayer. Romney!
Sorry. After years of prolonged war against the demonic threat invading the world, Argent launched an offensive strike across dimensions, sending their greatest warriors into the heart of hell itself, trying to prepare us on a deceit betrayal.
All right.
You know, someone has this job.
Wait, how do I? The betrayer.
Oh, there we go. Do I touch this?
How do we get interview content?
Oh, there we go. Do I care?
But if these last remaining night sentinels, only one remained in hell by choice, betrayer of the Argenta.
It was Commander Valen who relinquished the keys to the elemental sepulchre.
Yeah, I know how to pronounce that.
In return for his son's resurrection, haunted by demonic visions, the image of his son's tortured existence plagued him without relent, the whispers of demons pushing him toward madness.
But enough about the mainstream media.
In a moment of weakness, he fell prey to the demon's trickery, sealing the fate.
That's some really, really good apostrophe work right there, I'm just telling you, because it's, you know, many demons, one trickery.
He fell prey to the demon, sealing the fate of Argent Denur and dooming the kingdom in which he swore a lifelong oath to protect Valen Cho's exile in the hellscape for his sacrilege.
Now, do you know what really happens in these kinds of situations?
I just know...
Did you guys think I should just do tough guy voice for, like, my entire podcast?
Like, Hi, I'm Stefan Molyneux.
I've been screaming so long and so incoherently that I don't have any vocal cords left.
I'm like...
Clint Eastwood on helium.
Is this where I came from? Or is that a different place?
Wait, no. So sorry.
Here I'm being distracted by my own paltry witticisms.
Okay, so if we go down here, then we can jump back up, right?
So if we go down here, there may be something cool, right?
May there be? Oh, no, this is where I came from, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I got it.
All right. So I could have come this way before, or was that just not up and running, right?
Wait. Oh, here we go.
All right. All right.
I'm trying to find a good heat source for all of this lava.
I'm not sure because it should be coming from the center.
Do you know that the center of the earth is actually warmer than the surface of the sun?
A little interesting factoid for you there.
Ah, chains are not dangerous enough.
Perhaps we can offer you some flaming chains.
Now, is this the kind of stuff that's going to fall down, isn't it?
I've got to find some way to jump all the way.
Oh, come on. I just want to shoot stuff!
What's with all this weird background plot stuff going down?
Call me Steph Plissken.
What do I put in my shakes?
Booty moves, Bruh. All right.
All right. Let's try that again. Oh, did I miss something there?
I really did, didn't I? An extra life.
Who needs an extra life when I have spinning fire?
Oh. And Indian food fart skyscrapers to survive on.
All right. Stefan Molyneux is hotter than the core of the sun.
That is correct. I cannot argue an argument like that.
All right. What do we got going on here?
I actually feel a little dizzy with some of these things.
Okay, guys, have you done this?
I missed the golden gun. What?
Where? Where's the golden gun?
All right. Peace be upon the most honorable Stefan Molyneux.
Ah, who wants peace?
Who wants peace these days?
The thirst for peace is a womanly desire to escape consequences.
Oh, wait. Can I go get that thing over there?
All right. How about this?
Can I get something here? Not really, right?
Not really. Oh, dude.
Am I going to fight that guy? I guess he's very confident in his masculinity.
That's why he needs all of that extra manly stuff.
All right. So, what's our story here?
Where do we have to go?
Where do we guts to go? Oh, there's a pill.
Where do I go? Jump into Dashback.
Marks this holiday home dream.
Which edition of Doom is this? This is Doom Eternal.
All right. Okay.
I guess I'll jump here, right?
Oh. No!
I was out! I was out!
Well, all right.
Now at least we know where to go, right?
No.
Oh, I have to recharge, right?
I guess I have to recharge. Low health.
Ah, this is how things go.
Just peachy. Alright, so let's not get on the flame thing here, right?
Wait for that to go. No, that didn't work out very well now, did it?
Death! Death becomes me.
All right. Oh, I've got the heart...
Wait for the cool-down, my man.
Yeah, but these things are dropping, right?
All right. Oh, you just got to do one at a time here, right?
All right. Oh, didn't I just come here?
No? Ooh.
Oh, so now if I... Wait a minute here.
Oh, so if I wait for that to go down, I get an extra life, right?
Uh, oh.
Ah!
I didn't see that spike until later.
Okay. Extra life activated.
Ah, I have, I am full of confidence now.
Alright, what do we got? We are going.
We are going. Oh, look at that.
So we don't want to go that way.
Ah, where did I go?
Where do I go? I gotta say not that way, right?
Did I get any further? Uh-huh.
Anarcho-capitalism would not stop Bernie Madoff.
Sure it would. Sure it would.
All right. Sorry for your patience here.
I will get it. I will get it.
I'm sure for a lot of you, watching a dad do something frustrating without getting too annoyed is actually kind of productive, right?
Yeah. Jump up, maybe.
Yeah, yeah, thanks. I appreciate that.
Should I go and get that life?
No, I forget that. All right. What if I jump over there?
Would that help me at all?
No, that's where I started from, right?
Oh, I have to get there now.
Oh, man.
This is...
I hate jumping games myself.
Just give me some monsters to slay.
Alright, so I have to jump around that corner and get over there.
Alright. Oh, no, I lost where I was going to go.
Ugh, so annoying. Alright, sorry about this, dudes.
I will get to the monsters soon, I promise you.
Alright. Okay.
Should I go get the extra life or not?
The wheels of hell go round and round, round and round, round and round.
Yeah, I'm not a big fan of this timey, jumpy jump stuff Particularly when you can't actually see where you're going Where am I supposed to go from there?
Have you tried staying out of the...
Oh, there's two poles to the left.
All right.
Two poles to the left, you say?
There are two hanging bars on those floaty things at the top.
What do I think of my debate with Vosh?
Oh, it was pretty sad, man.
But kind of predictably sad, right?
Oh, I saw it!
I saw it! Okay, I think I get it now.
I think I get it now.
I love flexing my butt muscles like this is actually going to do something in this game.
The little floating pill resets your dash.
You've got to dash all the way.
There. My gosh.
This is like crazy, though.
Oops. Oh!
So close! So close!
Oh, come on.
Black and white? Oh, they're going to give me slow motion, right?
Because that's how sad it's become for me.
All right.
This is the kind of thing that normally people would just edit out, but we are going live, baby, live.
You know what?
I might pause this stupid thing and get past this, because this is not my wheelhouse.
Get the life. Yeah, thanks.
I appreciate that. Wait, where am I starting from here?
Oh, seriously? Wait.
Oh, that's not so bad.
Okay, so I'm not going all the way back, right?
Oh, so close.
Alright, we'll get there. We'll get there.
We will get there!
Okay, where am I going here?
Oh, yeah, right. I think I get it now.
We will get there.
Oh!
Good gosh.
This is really actually...
I gotta tell you, this is like not the most enjoyable gameplay I've ever had.
If I wanted to play high-def Super Mario, I'd buy high-def Super Mario, but this jumping stuff is just kind of annoying.
Oh!
My gosh, this is, like, really dull.
Alright. Sorry, dudes.
I did not know this was going to be next in the game.
It's just one of these, like...
And the other thing, too...
Oh, come on!
I had that! I was there!
Eventually you will master it.
Yeah, yeah, I know, eh? This is the most exciting thing to watch.
How to watch me fall and fall and fall.
You know what? It's actually good that I have people watching.
Do you know why? Because otherwise...
Oh, come on!
I was right there! Don't jump so quick.
Yeah, thanks. Ooh.
Okay, well, that's a shorter way of doing it.
All right. Let's load the checkpoint.
We'll get there. Gotta time your sprints at the peak of your jumps.
I'm trying to, like, I'm trying to shoot demons, not play Chopin.
Right? Alright, what do we got here?
Where did the thing go? Oh yeah.
Uh, wait, there we go. Okay.
All right, we'll get there.
What?
Oh, come on!
I had that. That was, that was right there.
That is some cheap game mechanics, let me tell you.
Oh, come on.
Wait, there's a bar there?
Aim your mouse to the right when you make the final jump.
Aim for the pole, not the platform.
Oh, okay, thanks.
I appreciate that.
What?
The poll is...
You're right. This is the most compelling viewing ever.
Yeah, no kidding, eh? I'm actually pretty good with the demon part.
I just don't really like the jumping stuff.
Especially when they kind of don't let you see.
Oh, come on!
I, uh...
Yeah, I might come back to this, uh...
I'd like to get it done and then come back to it, because I can't imagine this is any fun for people to watch.
Arch, in fact, is probably giving people a facial tick, especially if you've completed it already, right?
Oh, I see.
There's one to the right.
Okay, okay, okay.
You want to watch? Do you care?
Do you care? All right.
Masculine point of pride.
But you should see me on the parallel bars.
Oh, no!
Come on!
Are you kidding me?
That was...
Oh, that was it.
I know you could...
What? Where do I start from here?
Oh, did I make it?
Did it just give up?
Did it just give up and say, oh fine, just give it to him?
Oh, hello. Hello.
Hello. Oh, I want that, that, right?
Get me some health.
Get some ammo.
Oh.
Whoa.
Let's go to a place where I completely backed off.
Let's go.
Oh, dude. I got Pac-Manned!
What the? No, no!
One point. Can I jump?
Let me jump.
I want to jump!
Oh, no luck.
No luck. Alright, let's keep going.
Alright, that's good.
Now we're back into where I like to be.
Now we're back into where I like to be.
Alright. I get it.
Low ammo? No sweat.
Let's go get some of these dudes.
Okay, let's run away from that dude, Kirsten, go get some help, because I'm not doing much damage to him.
Should I go through here? Let's see what's going on.
Oh, wait, did I get that guy so quick?
Okay, now I'm playing with gas, right?
Okay.
Wait, what keeps hitting me?
Oh, this dude. Okay, I'm going to need some ammo, right?
Yeah. Oh, that's not good.
good let's get away from here get ourselves some health Get ourselves a little more ammo.
Let's get away from here.
Run away! Run away!
Run away! Oh, we need some ammo too, right?
So, where's Dude coming here?
Someone's gonna come, right? Oh, Mr.
Jumpy! Now we're getting somewhere.
Alright. Come, my friend!
It is time to play.
I really didn't need that help, and this guy should not be rocketing me.
Okay.
Whoa. Hello.
Welcome to the U.N. Police and flying these days.
Oh, that's a cold joke, man.
Oh, Pac-Man from hell.
Literally from hell.
Oh, let's make sure we jump there.
A little health, which I don't really need.
Go through the warpy thing, which is totally cheating, but I'll take it.
Oh. Oh, I need to do...
No, that was a miss, right?
Oh, man, one of these spider dudes.
Yes.
And that's no better time to run out of ammo, would you say?
Okay, that is not going super well.
Did you guys see any health by chance?
Whoa. Oh, I could have used that.
24 health. Not ideal.
Let's see if we can get some from this dude.
And that dude? And let's get some ammo.
Yeah, you jump here, I'll jump there, my friend.
Must be de-gunned.
Forget the NRA.
You must be de-weaponed.
Blood punch, right?
Is that the blood punch?
Oh, yeah. Oh.
That's right. Load up on the gas.
Load up on the health.
All right. The music of death is still going on.
His aim is getting better, someone says.
But he's still aiming a little too high.
Dude! I'm trying to create the world's most popular...
Philosophy show. Am I supposed to aim low?
Is that your plan?
Are you trying to... Is that what...
Do you want me to seduce you?
Is that what you're trying to tell me?
All right. What have we got here?
We've got... Oh, wait.
Where's my... How do I get to my weapons thing?
Right? Anyone?
Resume. No, that's all.
Right? How do I get to my weapons thing?
Anyone? Q? No.
X? No.
Okay, sorry, let me just go to my settings here.
Controls, Customize Layer Bindings, Weapon Mod, Chainsaw, Flame Belch, Crucible, whatever that is.
Switch Weapon, Next Weapon, Previous Weapon, Compact.
Okay, let me hear that. Dossier, Mission Information, maybe Dossier?
Is it the dossier? Let me just do that in a manly way.
Ah, there we go. Arsenal?
There we go. All right. What have I got here?
Six something something, right?
Oh, I want the zoom weapon, right?
I want the zoom weapon.
That's good. That's very good.
Do I want precision bolt?
Wait, how do I unlock this dude?
Micromissiles. I am confident enough...
Wait, can I not... Hey, I've got three!
How do I unlock this thing?
Upgrades?
Master.
Headshot. All right.
How do I do that? Sticky bombs?
Full auto. Quick rack.
That I can't do much with, right?
How do I unlock this dude? Zoom in for additional...
Anyone?
Anybody? Bueller?
Anyone? No.
Okay. I've got three to spend though, right?
So I should do something here, right?
No. No.
I got...
So these three things up here, they're supposed to give me...
I need to find a mod drone.
Oh, okay. All right. I also need at some point to actually do the mods, right?
Now, should I just show off my skills here?
Whee! Okay.
Just because I can.
All right. Did I miss anything here?
No. All right. Uh-huh.
Wow. Doesn't that remind you of your spam box?
All right. It's a bit too obvious.
Here we go. Through!
All right. Combat.
Exploration. Uh, rewards?
I like rewards! 1,400.
Yes. Good.
Wait, what? Next level, 10...
10,800? Are you kidding me?
My gosh. Alright.
Savings. Should we do one more?
Should we do a little more? By the way, after this, you know, I haven't been doing any policy proposals for COVID-19.
After this, I'll have something to eat after this.
And then after that, I'm going to do a live stream where I'm going to talk about everything I think that should happen with COVID. Oh, cutscene!
Yeah, yeah, okay. Oh, it's a COVID map.
Good. What's CK2? We're going to Siberia, aren't we? Let me through the glass!
Alright, what have we got here?
Uh, that's...
Oh yeah, that's where my hair went.
Um... I gotta go someplace here, right?
Does it tell me where I'm supposed to go?
Sorry, let me try that again.
More manly. Does it tell me where I'm supposed to go?
Donate. Donate. Can I not mind?
Um... Mission select. What's that?
Revisit completed missions.
Pfft! Yeah! Can I do more jumpy stuff?
That would be excellent! Alright.
Why do I sound... Why? I never sound like PewDiePie unless, like, with his squeal.
Master levels. Ordered...
Awarded for pre-something.
Okay, forget it. So...
How is my daughter doing?
She's doing very well. Thank you very much.
She's doing very well.
I'm totally working, honey.
Oh. Oh, good. Okay, so I go through here.
Excellent. Into more lower intestine computer vomit.
Insert sentinel batteries into sockets within the Fortress of Doom to unlock items and power up parts of the Fortress.
Yeah, all right.
It'll tell me what to do.
Crusader Kings is a role-playing grand strategy.
You guys must think I have all the time in the world to learn new games.
Ooh... This is going to be a very pretty place to fight.
Now, was there anything I missed up here?
All in all, you're just another cog in the ball.
Do-do. All right.
Anything up here? Anything around here?
Uh... Ooh. Ah!
Give it to me!
Give it to me!
I will insert whatever you need to in here to give me the laser disco suit of doom.
God, does that ever remind me of my wedding night?
Holy crap. All right.
Do I need to insert something in here?
I will! All right.
Well, yes, that is some nice audio.
Nice audio landscaping.
All right, so there's nothing I need to go down here, right?
Okay. Up the stairway to heaven and...
Oh, yeah. This thing, right?
I did this before. Ice bomb.
Ooh. That is very good.
That's, you know, that's when Ice G releases an album and it doesn't do very well.
That joke. All right.
Right control to launch an ice bomb.
I'm really going to forget about this and people are going to remind me and be like, how come I can't finish this?
Because you don't use the ice bomb.
All right.
So if I do G, it'll switch between the two.
Okay. I like frag grenades myself.
I mean, I forget about them all the time, but at least I like them in theory.
Okay. Where's it telling me to go here?
Uh, somewhere down here?
Uh-huh. There was something around.
There was a big area down here, right?
Yeah, okay. Ooh!
Give me! Give me!
You know what? I think it's true what the Amazon guy said, that dildos are not essential materials, but I gotta tell you, unless that is a very, very awkward dildo, I gotta tell you, I'm pretty sure that is essential.
Technology. Can I get it? Can I get it?
Wait, what do I need to do here?
So close.
Oh, it's only half built or something, right?
Okay. There is a distinct lack of fighting in this part of the game.
Although I'm sure that's about to change.
Please, Google, transmit my location to the CDC. Oh.
All right. That's good, right?
Ooh, ooh, something opened.
Did it open? Did it open?
Oh, you're just tormenting me here.
Torture! Alright, what do we got?
Nothing down here.
Okay, guys, do you want to give me some demons to frag here, or what's the story?
I feel cockblock in my demonology by the id doom.
Look at our pretty landscape, people.
Please don't make it complicated.
Just make it twitchy.
Oh, I'm supposed to do something with that, right?
No? That's right.
All this technology and candles.
All right. Now what?
I just wander around looking at things I can't get?
Just like me being at a kid in a toy store.
Play CSGO instead.
You know, elemental communication.
If people aren't aware of your acronyms, it doesn't do you much good.
What, do you work for the army here? All right, so I did that.
I need to shoot?
What do I need to shoot? That looks like something I should put my something in.
No, all right. Around here...
Ah, the back end.
There we go. All right.
Here we go. All right.
I will take that birthday card.
Oh, look at that!
It's... Oh, what's that?
Hard Rock Cafe. It's the Hard Rock Cafe.
Demon Slayer! That's not ABBA, really.
Follow your compass for an armor upgrade.
No? All right. How about here?
Here? Any of this stuff.
Come on, it glows. It should be mine.
It should be mine.
It should be mine. All mine.
Well, what was the point of this? Did it give me anything?
Oh, there we go. Choose a file.
Huh? Enter.
What? Oh, some password thing?
I don't understand this at all.
As he lands...
Uh, what is this now?
Enter. Uh, computers in the future will run Windows 3.1.
You have one of 14 disks installed.
Uh, oh, is this allowing me to play the old Doom or something like that?
Is that right? Dudes.
Okay, now it's not giving me a place to go.
That's the problem. All right.
Can you help me out, my perps?
Oh, oh, here's someplace I'm supposed to go.
All right. Aha!
The one opens. I still have elevator phobia from Unreal.
Follow the yellow indicator at the top of the screen.
No! You can't force me what to do, you fascist!
All right. Brush my teeth?
No. Never.
Ooh, come on.
That's kind of pretty. Oops.
Ooh, so pretty.
I remember seeing this right before I was born.
That's right.
Ooh, drama doors.
Drama doors. All right.
Uh, repeat? Repat?
Repatorium? You get to repatriate people back to their home something-something?
Oh, Unreal Tournament?
That was my game, man.
That was my game online.
GWAR's server, circa 1997.
That was my game, man.
Alright, is that it for here?
There's nothing else here, right? If I jump down there, I assume bad things will happen.
Yeah, okay. And now?
Okay, now we go down.
And are we going to find some demons soon?
Wait, practice fighting demons without dying.
Exit through the portal when finished.
Okay, does it...
Oh, so this is just like a practice run, or what?
Does it get me anything cool or is it just kind of like a waste of time?
Okay, I'm sure this isn't going to be too exciting for you guys.
It's actually part of the plot, right?
No, and I don't die?
Okay, well, I'll just do one of these and then we'll go on.
It's not like I couldn't use the practice, right?
And I assume that these hordes get more difficult as you go on.
You know, this is the game, it's like being a shark, right?
You have to just keep moving, right?
Now, so I don't die at all, is that right?
Thank you.
Like I don't...
Do I lose health?
Yeah, I must lose health, right?
So, basically, this is kind of like having trolls in your chat room.
Not any of you lovely people, of course, but it's like the waves just keep coming and they never end.
Is that right? Where did they go?
Hey, where did everyone go?
Do you have a little jetpack there?
That is the saddest jetpack.
Did you think we'd get jetpacks at this point in human history?
Yes, you did. Oh, that's it?
Do I go? Do I leave?
Alright. We can portal this out, right?
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Uh-huh!
And now, can I actually get on with the game here, or what?
Yeah, what, you? Alright.
Oh, up. I gotta go up.
Alright. See, philosophy gives you these go-to places, right?
It's just that nobody ever really wants to.
What? Where's this slidey thing going here?
Am I supposed to go up here? Oh, lord, I can't believe I'm getting lost in this part of the game.
Yeah, this is some place I can't go, right?
Yeah. Alright.
Oh, I'm getting... Oh, it's just down here?
Ah, there we go. Ooh, ooh!
Spend Praetor suit points to purchase Praetor suit packs.
Praetor suit packs enhance your abilities or unlock new abilities.
Geez, what am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to be killing demons here or be madmen?
Good lord, I don't want a nice suit.
Okay. Select an available category.
Thicker skin. Oh, yeah, well, I kind of got that from being online.
I don't care about toxic water, barrel explosions, faster frag cooldown.
Wait, do I have to get level one first or can I go straight up to four?
How many points do I have?
Oh, you only have one. So I can only do this one, right?
Okay. Good.
I do feel like that's kind of cheating, but nonetheless.
Okay. Do I have runes to spend or what's the story here?
I don't know.
Can I buy any of these?
Thank you.
No. All right.
Codex, we don't care. Challenges, we don't care.
Arsenal. I still got stuff to spend here, but I do not know how to send it.
That's six. And this, I don't know how to unlock this dude.
And there's nothing I can get here, right?
Microwave beam, I got that.
And I can't get that. All right.
Alright, the ghost has given me a very gay medallion.
Alright. Okay, so now, can I actually get to the game?
Oh man, I gotta climb up.
Oh, I feel like I'm lost in a mall and I'm six years old.
Worst mall ever. Or is it the best?
We don't know. Alright, I'm supposed to go up here?
Uh, now...
Okay, the number is going down...
So that's good, right? Am I back here?
Ah, okay. So I go here.
I am afraid that this is my least exciting...
It is my...
Ah, broadcast log.
You know what? I don't care about your stupid codex entries.
Just give me some demons to slay.
All right. A little bit more.
You guys enjoying this? I don't even know.
Can you? I can't see how many people are watching.
I don't even have a clue. I have no clue, my friends.
How many have we got? A couple hundred?
I played the original Unreal.
That was actually a very good game.
A very, very good game indeed.
407? Eh, it's alright.
It's alright. Alright.
Oh, is that? Sorry. All right.
Oh, I get it.
So now we're in the ice thing, right?
Infiltrate the cultist base.
Oh my gosh, I'm a left-wing reporter looking at Free Domain Radio.
Infiltrate the cultist base.
This looks almost exactly like our early barbecues.
What? Mission challenges.
Optional tasks. Dossier tab.
Yeah, okay. Just give me some demons.
What am I? I feel like I'm doing my taxes here.
All right. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Oh, please don't make me start jumping.
Don't make me. Where am I supposed to go here?
Wow, talk about schizoid.
We've gone from totally hot to totally cold.
Oh, I see. All right.
We go there, and then...
Ah, uh, that's another jumping thing here.
All right.
Make short, short shrift.
Oh, don't not lock me over, my friend.
I would be very, very unpleased.
So this is what my tongue sees.
All right. Um, I want this, right?
Go and get this stuff. Uh...
That's it? Three stinky-ass demons and now another jumping puzzle?
Oh, you people, I'm going to have words.
I am going to have words.
Just because you can doesn't mean that you should.
What? Oh, come on, I was there.
I was so there.
And now?
Why do I have the feeling I'm supposed to jump up here?
Oh.
I'm a sperm and an egg.
Please don't play a blowjob!
Oh, there we go. Do that.
And now... Okay, dudes.
Oh my gosh.
It's San Francisco! Alright.
See, they thought it was going to be global warming.
Turns out it's zombies, hyperdermics, and poop in the street.
Okay, where am I supposed to go here?
Uh... Any idea...
Oh, lordy.
Oh my lord.
Alright. Um...
Well, I can't go up.
If I go down, what happens?
So I go up, and then what?
Am I supposed to jump all the way?
I can't jump all the way over to the ice things, can I? Try tab.
You got a map. All right.
Oh, yeah, that's right. I do have a map, right?
You're supposed to swim? Crawl to the right.
Move right. Wait, my right or your right?
Oh. Uh, what?
Oh, did I die?
What the...
Uh, hello?
Why can I not move? What the...
I cannot...
I cannot move!
Am I stuck here?
Why am I stuck? Can I jump?
I'm so sorry, guys.
I might have to... reset the mission, yeah.
Sorry about that. Um...
I couldn't move. Let's try that again.
Ah, there we go. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Wait, where do I need to go?
Clamp.
All right.
All right.
So we got all this stuff.
And then we do our little jump over here, eh?
And then, I do not think we are supposed to swim, eh?
We are supposed to go up like the ejaculate on the keyboard of the virgin.
Alright. Get those commies.
You get weird program bugs?
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow, you really can't jump over here.
Okay, so that's what I'm supposed to do.
Oh, I'm supposed to not go on those, right?
Okay. There's got to be a secret in here, right?
Yeah, I thought so. Whoa!
That's what my hero sees!
See, this is what my hair sees, which...
Whoa. Uh, yeah.
Toy found. Excellent. Uh, that's where I came from, right?
See, this is what my hair sees, and this is what the left-wing media sees.
Demon horns! From the philosopher.
All right. All right.
Punch that wall. Uh, ah, here we go.
All right. Oh, that didn't do much good.
Now, didn't I get a zoomy thing?
No? I thought I thought...
What the...
Where the heck are you going, jumpy dude?
Whoa. That, uh...
So if I hide here, they should trickle in, right?
And I can cowardly do it this way.
Come trickle in, my friends.
Are they going to come in this way?
Oh, my lord.
Whoa.
Whoa.
All right.
I do believe we have achieved peak Japanese subway.
Infiltrate the cultist base.
How can you infiltrate it when you've created it?
All right.
All right, here we go.
Should we just get some free ammo?
Okay.
Why not? Why not, I say?
Alright, there was stuff down here, right?
Ice caves of Hoth!
Luke! Is it true?
Oh, wait, wait a minute.
Here? That feels like some place I should be able to get into.
Oh, don't you miss going to bars?
Alright, um...
Oh, uh...
Something's down here, right?
What the what?!
Oh, come on!
What kind of freaky stuff is going on down here?
Oh. Uh, but if I get that, aren't I gonna die?
Oh, do I jump back?
Uh...
Ah, extra life acquired!
And gone at the same time.
That's lovely. Alright.
Get that, get that.
Wait, did I lose everything back here?
Oh, I'm pretty sure I want to get rid of those, right?
Where am I? Oh, this is where the zombies were.
Okay, got it. Anything down here?
No, but there was something down here I was supposed to get, right?
Okay. Did I get it from here?
Did it open up this way?
No. Uh-huh.
No, that doesn't do anything right.
Uh, okay.
Uh, there.
Anything? Oh, always with the skulls!
Always with the skulls.
We go up here... Oh, there's something up there, too.
I really feel like I'm leaving a whole bunch of cool stuff behind.
And I'm probably not... Whoa, what the heck?
Oh, yeah, that's going to be stable.
That's going to work. Have you guys done this before?
forward do you know how to get all that stuff up here uh uh can i jump on these things Oh, I can. Whoa.
Ow, hot, hot, hot. Oh, that's why they give you the health.
All right. All right.
Is there something up there I can get?
I don't think I can jump up there, right?
Anything I can jump to up here?
There is a secret. Yes, thank you very much.
I appreciate that. Okay.
All right. One last quick looky-looky round.
Whoa, that's cool.
Oh! There's something Ripley down there.
Ripley! See, that's a science fiction...
There's a science fiction reference for you.
Okay. Ripley, believe it or don't.
I don't know, man. I don't know.
So we can jump on those things, but I don't think we can go anything from there, right?
I'm just going to lose health, right?
Oh, you will come back to this zone later in the game?
All right. I think we've had just about enough.
Yeah, I'm not trusted that.
All right.
Alright. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
Cultist key. FreeDomain.com.
Alright. Cultist key.
What does that mean?
I don't know. Mystery stuff full of vats.
I assume that's blood.
Alright. What the?
Oh. That doesn't seem good.
What the? Okay, we'll take that stuff.
Mystery boxes go round and round.
Huh. Alright. What's that?
What's that? Ghost dude.
So I assume this is all stuff that I want to get.
Okay. So what am I supposed to do?
Does this change something over here?
Does it open anything up over here?
Alright. I'm going to chicken out and just assume that this comes back later.
To activate the jump boost.
What? You need keys.
Okay. So do I go down here to get the keys?
Dudes, can you just give me some demons?
That's all I'm looking for.
Whoa, that's pretty.
Oh.
I am strong enough to survive this cursed city.
Ah! Okay.
It's funny, you know, how sad we are for just non-politically correct stuff.
That the moment that this game made fun of, like, the mortally challenged thing, everyone was like, best game ever!
It's like, that is pretty sad when the vanguard of our cultural defenses are, uh...
Oh. Maybe I should stop talking for a bit?
for a bit.
What do you think?
Oh, why am I stuck here now?
Not ideal, Alright. So, did I get anything from the cultist key here?
No. Alright.
Well, I guess I'm glad I didn't spend too much time trying to figure out that puzzle, because it looks like it...
End, end, end.
Let's go on to the next part.
Uh, oh. Alright, that's the big blades of death, right?
So if I step in this, what happens?
I think I want a better weapon.
Mancubus. Oh my.
It's arm cannons.
Uh, oh, so it's a new friend to make!
There are no friends. There are only demons.
You have not yet vanquished.
Oh. Okay, so I got one.
We'll get the other.
Uh, alright.
Hey, he's got fire!
I don't have fire! Oh, I'll take that.
Thank you very much. Oh, man, that is some goopy stuff.
Oh, am I going into a dead end here?
Yes, I am. Low ammo?
I thought I just got ammo. Okay, shall I wait for them to come, or shall I go and meet them?
Meet them where they live.
Well, don't go that way. That's a dead end, right?
There is lots of sounds, and none of them are going to be good for me.
What, that's it? Am I paranoid for no reason?
Never. All right. Oh, I'm supposed to use that to clear away the monsters.
I get it now. Okay, um...
If only there was a giant axe who could use the wings from the ceiling.
Alt-fire the assault rifle.
Okay. No mod activated.
Oh, that's a little zoomy thing, right?
Oh, there's my grenade.
Okay, so that's... Okay, I get it now.
That's what I want. Uh-huh.
Okay, does this open up anything?
No. All right. Uh...
Oh, I gotta go up here.
Okay. Whoa.
I... Oh yeah, I gotta get this dude, right?
Unable to contact Steam.
Yeah, right. Strange, because...
Uh...
Is that for later, or what?
Am I supposed to jump down there?
I don't think so. Alright, we'll just do that one later.
Okay. So we gotta get up here, right?
Uh... Wait.
Oh my... Oh my!
Alright, so...
I really feel these things are supposed to be important, but I'm not sure how.
Open and jump on wall.
Oh, okay, so you mean over here?
I'm supposed to open and jump on wall?
Oh. Another gay medallion!
Alright. Praetor's suit point acquired, so I want that, right?
So suit... I want to upgrade that, but I only have one.
Reveals all progression items on the dossier.
Uh... Faster ledge grab and monkey bars.
I really feel I'm going to need that, right?
Because I am not very good at that, right?
Oh, yeah! Ice bomb!
Thank you! Thank you, guys. I appreciate that.
Um... Okay.
No, no. Is that all right? Uh...
Oh, I've got a timer to go through, right?
Okay. Ugh, good lord.
Um... Okay.
Uh, we're up. Oh, I want to stay back here, right?
Bad shadows! Bad shadows!
Bad shadows! Oh, this is not going to go well, is it?
No, it's not. Okay, so when in doubt, run away.
Whoa. Oh, I should have got health from those dudes.
All right.
Never be afraid to run away.
Oh, I thought I was going to get some help from that dude.
But no! Alright, that seems all too quiet for me.
Should we get the health? Let's get the health.
Dash, dash, dash. That's right.
That's right. Whoa! Dude!
None of this out of nowhere stuff.
That's totally cheating. Uh, weapon point acquired.
Uh, right? Let's weapon point it, shall we?
Arsenal. Us, that's funny.
Okay, so. Uh, oh, I want to get something out of here, though, right?
Why can't I do it?
I do not know. I'd like to get a zoom-in thing, though, right?
Uh, here? What have I got?
I don't know why.
Maybe I need to buy other things first?
Oh, that's five, so I can't do that one.
Did I get another suit point?
Yes, I did. But I... Oh, so I'll take...
All right.
There is an auto-map, right?
Okay. So, where is that?
I don't know. Let's just go straight.
I'd like me some exploring without knowing what's coming ahead.
Uh-huh. Uh, that seems odd to me.
Anything I can get here?
Oh, look! Another skull!
Haven't seen one of those before. Okay, uh, can we just go past this dude?
Oh, I have to get up on them, or what?
Well, this seems like way too easy a puzzle.
No? Alright, so...
Oh, what's down here?
Is that a door? Upside-down crosses!
Okay, but why is there this ridiculous thing here?
Oh, I'm supposed to get up here, right?
Nope. I'm supposed to climb on this thing.
Nope. Okay.
Oh, I see. Whoa, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no. This is a bar I'm supposed to swing on, right?
Like these bars? I should do a live feed with Paul Stanley?
Is that the guy from Kiss?
Okay, come on, guys.
Just give me some demons, for heaven's sakes.
This is ridiculous. Okay, nothing to shoot.
Any ideas up here? Monkey bar.
Yeah, it's a...
Yeah, but it's not...
Oh, I want this, don't I?
Oh, I can survive down here.
There was something here, right?
Oh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Did I pick it up? No.
It's a Kiss Guitarist.
Is this Plato's Cave? Jump.
No, I get that there's a jump involved.
I just thought it was going to be something to do with this.
Well, that's hot.
Do I do it when...
Oops.
Yeah, low health. I got it.
Now it's going to be much easier with this, right?
You need to aim higher when jumping to the bar.
Don't dash. Double jump.
Okay. Okay, got it.
Thank you. Appreciate it.
All right. Let's hope Steph never plays Portal.
Oh, I've heard of that game.
cultist key acquired.
Can I lure them in Whoa. Okay, I guess we gotta go down, right?
I need some health anyway.
Oh, I'm not going to do well with this guy, right?
Well, at least we've got some health back.
Oh, let's get this dude.
Oh, let's get these healths.
Oh, I guess we're kind of high on health anyway, right?
I should, what, lure these guys and...
What is that?
Will they come? I did not deserve that.
That was badly done.
Oh, bad guy up here.
Do I have a zoomy thing?
No. Oh, fine.
I guess I won't be getting that health after all.
Alright. That's where I came from.
There's nothing back here, right?
Ooh, daddy bot needs some ammo.
All right.
What do you guys think of this Bill Gates and, uh, all of this weird, uh, stuff that goes on with the, uh, vaccines and all of that?
Energy shields.
Plasma rifle. Alright.
Good. Oh yeah.
Plasma. Okay. Wait.
Please tell me I've got some plasma stuff.
Can I at least shoot these guys in the feet?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
I need that, right?
Okay.
Better.
Did I leave any health here?
No.
I will totally take that health.
Thank you very much. And now I assume that terrible things are going to happen from here.
Anything cool down here? Oh, there's an area.
Is there an area? No, that's just me.
Okay. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. It's kind of quiet, don't you think?
Does that feel too quiet to you?
Yes, it does. Why does it feel like these explosion-y things?
I'm probably supposed to be saving those.
Use your map? Oh yeah, thanks.
Okay. Yeah, that helps.
Thank you. Appreciate that. Let me just pretend I have East Asian spatial reasoning.
All right. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Am I supposed to go down there?
I don't know. It feels like that's where we've come from.
Okay, let's just have another quick look around.
Now that's where we came from, right?
You wish I had invented personal computers first?
I don't know. I've got to tell you, if the price of inventing personal computers is hanging out with the Rockefellers, I'm very glad I did not do anything of the kind.
Thank you very much. All right, let's try to pretend.
Okay. Okay, so we did go around here.
Uh, oh. Now, is that a secret, or...
What the...
Ah! It was not to be.
All right, so I assume it's this way, though, in general, right?
Clamp. All right, we go around.
That makes me feel a little nauseous.
Oh, come on.
You know, it's fair.
They haven't done this jumping fetish for a little while here.
Oh, that's where I came from.
Ooh. Huh?
Why does that look so familiar?
All right. Maybe I'm just supposed to jump down here?
And then up to here?
And then what? Oh, I have to jump.
Okay, so I have to go up and shoot that thing, right?
All right, so anything else cool?
now.
All right.
So let's jump down here.
I have a feeling that's not exactly how it's supposed to go, right?
Am I right? Yeah, okay.
Let's go back and try that again, shall we?
There we go. That's what's supposed to happen.
Oh, it's close behind me!
That's always a good sign. Always with the vents...
Ooh, what do we have here?
Uh, got a feel.
This FPS needs more jumping puzzles.
Yeah, no kidding, eh? Ooh.
If I had a rocket launcher.
CNN is reporting that Jordan Peterson has been hospitalized in critical condition after suffering a massive stroke.
I do not believe you, I'm afraid.
Now, does this have a Zoom thing?
Or a lock-on thing?
When I hear that rock and roll, it gets down to my soul.
When it's real rock and roll, oh, that rock and roll.
um... Oh, he's dead.
Okay, good. Yeah, CNN is fake news.
I don't think that...
19 health?
Yeah, I don't think so. That should not have happened for me, my friend.
Whoa! Stefan, you can't play Doom like you would play Counter-Strike.
I don't know what that means, my friend.
Uh, am I out of ammo for my rocket launcher now?
No, I am not.
Splash damage! Uh, ooh, I know I gotta chainsaw some dudes, right?
Whoa! Dude!
Dude! Okay, I'm afraid I need some ammo.
Oh, no, that's a little too harsh there.
All right.
All right.
A little health.
A little of this, a little of that, a little of the other, a little of that.
Let's get our green shardy shard, because that's how you make armor, my friends.
Alright. More rockety rocks, because I live for splash damage.
Ooh. That seems like a good thing, right?
So that's where we came from.
Now where does this take me? Whee!
Okay. I feel cold just looking at it already.
And that's why you have to have full body armor so nobody sees the horrifying shrinkage that your manly parts are subjected to.
Okay. All right.
Ooh. Ooh.
Is that good? Is that good?
good.
What is that?
Okay.
What's happening over here?
Okay.
Oh, I'm supposed to use that to go up further, right?
Okay.
I see. Alright.
Almost made it.
All right.
Please, a couple more jumping puzzles would be just excellent.
And now...
Oh. Oh, am I getting a cool upgrade here?
Wait. Zero.
Use. What have I got here?
Perform glory kills faster.
Much further away.
Gain speed boost after performing a glory kill.
I do not need much speed there.
Oh, stagger state. That's good, right?
Yeah, I like the stagger state.
Let's do that. I have the power.
I have touched. Ayn Rand.
All right. So that's good.
I assume we've got to go up here.
Then what? Where do we go from here?
Is it back to the lake up here?
Okay, then. A little bit of rocket launcher action.
Oh, oops. Forgot that was the weapon.
Do we shoot that? No. Okay.
So we just jump down.
Humana, humana. And that.
Scully skull. I know there are a lot of shenanigans in this game.
All right. I think...
Oh, wait. This is where I came from.
Oh, what the heck are you?
Do not like...
A whiplash.
Oh... Oh, we got these dudes.
Could you be so kind as to back me into a corner, please?
That would be excellent. Oh, that would be...
Oh, wrong weapon, right? Slow motion is badness.
All right. That's good enough.
All right, guys. Well, thanks very much.
Please drop by in a little while.
I'm going to get some food. And please drop by in a little while.
I'm going to talk about my COVID recommendations for what should be going on.
But thanks very much, guys, for dropping by.
It's a great pleasure. And we'll see you soon.
▲
Export Selection