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Aug. 14, 2014 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux

02:06:43

2771 Trapping Men in Fallopian Tubes - Tuesday Call In Show August 12th, 2014

How do you communicate principles to anarcho-communists? How do you protect your business without using intellectual property? Having unprotected sex and getting pregnant with an unwilling father, sleeping with liars, emotional inaccessibility as vain attractiveness, saying no to crazy people and all confrontation is honesty.

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	Hi everybody, it's the Fan Molyneux Computer Made Radio.
	Special!
	Tonight only!
	Tuesday!
	Sometime in August, sometime in the 21st century.
	We have a lot of listeners who, because either their prior listeners have been balky or I've just taken my own sweet time getting to the point, have been backed off, so we're going to bleed off the backlog tonight!
	Oh yeah, go watch my Robin Williams video.
	Don't say that three times fast.
	It's very good, I think.
	And that great comedian and broken-hearted man will definitely be missed.
	So, Mike, who do we have first?
	All right.
	Up first today is Hunter.
	And Hunter wrote in and said, in what ways have you had the most success planting the seeds of freedom in the heads of anarcho-syndicalists, anarcho-communists, and other people that use the prefix anarcho in an attempt to sound like they aren't plain old leftist authoritarians?
	Go ahead, Hunter.
	Hunter, have you spent a lot of time in the world of marketing?
	I own a real estate business, but I wouldn't say I spend a lot of time in the world of marketing.
	You own a real estate business?
	Yes.
	It's a very small business.
	It's just me and someone that does some of the IT work for me.
	No, that's fine.
	So do you spend a lot of time trying to figure out the lean-to market?
	I spend a lot of time looking for investments and looking for investors, yes.
	Okay, so the lean-to market is buying and selling people who've made lean-tos in the forest.
	And I would assume, I'm not too bad at marketing, but I'm certainly no real estate expert, that that market is pretty small.
	And when it comes to trying to change people's minds, it's a toad insemination strategy.
	I just spray my seed in the river and hopefully it lands someplace useful.
	But I don't really go out in hot pursuit of anarcho-syndicalists or anarcho-communists because...
	I put out as much information as in hopefully compellingly as I can and then people come to me.
	I have had a few people call in who are that way inclined over the years.
	So, I mean, the basics of getting this stuff across is when you're trying to create a market, Then you have to spread yourself as wide as possible.
	If you're working an existing market, like if you want to sell a sports car, then you put your ad in some place where people who might want sports cars or are most likely to want sports cars will look, and then they call you and so on, right?
	But when you're trying to create a market, there's no great market for a highly challenging and volatile philosophy in the world.
	There's not like people are like, Oh, I could go to these five providers.
	And so in trying to create a market, you have to spread yourself as wide as possible because you don't know where to aim.
	I don't know where to aim to get people interested in philosophy, so I aim pretty wide.
	You send up a searchlight and see who wants to land their helicopter on your field, so to speak.
	So I haven't pursued or, to my knowledge, had much success in that area.
	How come?
	Well, it's kind of an interesting situation.
	First of all, I'm going to Burning Man in a couple weeks, and it's basically a, some would consider it to be kind of an anarcho-communist fantasy, where there is no monetary exchange, it's kind of forbidden.
	I've been to a festival a couple of months ago where a lot of people, in conversations I have with people, a lot of these people align with the Occupy Wall Street movement, which is incredibly popular.
	There's like 600,000 likes on Facebook with the Occupy movement.
	For me, these are the people that are interested in these type of questions.
	They might be misguided in their end result, but I feel like their anger at the current system, we share...
	To the point where they're open enough to explore new ideas.
	Wait, wait, wait.
	Hang on, hang on, hang on.
	Hang on.
	How do you know that they're angry at the current system?
	In other words, that they understand what the current system is, have rationally analyzed it, and are angry at the right things.
	It's what Aristotle said 2,500 years ago.
	Getting angry is easy.
	Getting angry at the right people about the right subjects in the right way at the right time is challenging.
	But anyone who stubs their toe can get angry.
	So how do you know that they're angry about the current system?
	How do you know they even understand the current system?
	I'm not saying they don't.
	I have some indications that they don't.
	But how do you know that they're angry at the current system?
	Well, I definitely don't think they do understand the current system because the things that they're trying to acquire I think that the conclusions they come to are misguided because the foundation of their
	understanding of the nature of politics or philosophy is misguided.
	It's flawed at the fundamental level.
	Well, okay, but then what you're saying is they're pouring a huge amount of time and effort and risk and energy into the pursuit of a goal that is wrong, that they have no idea what it's really all about, which means that they are confidently and resolutely charging off in the entirely wrong direction.
	And I don't know about you, but I find getting people in motion in the right direction is a whole lot easier than trying to turn people around who are going the wrong direction.
	Okay, well, so, I mean, I thought that, like, the number one critique of the Occupy movement is that they don't know what they're doing, right?
	It's very difficult to get any of them to say what the goals are.
	That was the whole thing when it started to be popular.
	And this is what I'm trying to capitalize on.
	It's an unorganized group of people that don't really know what direction to shoot.
	So I feel like because of the fact that they're open-minded enough to push the ideas of what should be possible, these are obviously the people that are dedicated.
	There's a huge amount of them.
	It's a very popular idea.
	It's not a small group of people.
	Anarcho-communism...
	Okay, okay.
	I'm sorry.
	You're not really listening to what I'm saying.
	So you're saying that there's a lot of them and they're dedicated.
	And I'm not...
	I'm not disagreeing with that.
	So what is my point?
	We've got to be a bit more efficient here.
	What is the point that I'm trying to get across?
	Because I feel like you just keep lobbing the same cannons of information at me regardless of what I say.
	Are you asking me what your point is?
	Right.
	I mean, I'm not disagreeing with you that there's a lot of them, and I fully agree that they're confidently charging off in the wrong direction.
	Right?
	So what is the point that I'm trying to get across to you at the moment?
	Okay, so my situation is, in a couple weeks, I'm going to this festival where I'm going to be surrounded by...
	No, no, no, no, dude!
	What is the point I'm trying to get across to you at the moment?
	That it's not worth time focusing on anarcho-communists?
	Wait, you're asking me a question?
	Do you not know what the point is I'm trying to make at the moment?
	I believe that the point you're trying to make is that it's not useful to spend my time focusing on anarcho-communists.
	And the rebuttals to their problem.
	And why?
	Because they are founded in their ways, and there's not a lot of them.
	There's not a lot of them?
	When did I say there wasn't a lot of them?
	Oh, sorry.
	I see what you mean.
	Sorry, I understand.
	So you're talking about the likes for Burning Man and so on.
	Relative to the general population, there's not a lot of them, but there certainly is quite a few of them who go to Burning Man relative to, say, Porkfest or something like that, Libertopia and so on.
	That is true, but, I mean, comparatively to what?
	You know, I mean, comparatively to, I mean, anarcho-capitalism is unpopular compared to anarcho-communism is the way that I see it.
	That just is me.
	I didn't do a lot of research.
	So if they don't know what they're talking about, then what is driving them?
	If they're passionately committed to a cause that they fundamentally don't understand and have never read opposing perspectives to, then what do you think is driving them?
	Emotion?
	Oh yeah, emotion.
	Like if I was saying, I will do anything to rid the world of cancer except study medicine.
	And I was chaining myself to various places and getting arrested, and I want to end cancer.
	Cancer is the worst thing in the world.
	You could go to medical school.
	No!
	I will never go to medical school.
	That is insulting.
	That is corporatist.
	That is bourgeois.
	That is biased.
	I'm going to go and chain myself to a doctor, right?
	Okay, well, okay, that's a really good point.
	But the issue that I have with that is that that's not the type of responses That I'm getting when I have conversations with people that are of that particular belief system.
	They haven't been exposed to what medical school is.
	I had a conversation with someone that claimed to be an anarcho-communist.
	Hang on, hang on, hang on.
	I've got to interrupt you just where I don't understand what you're saying because I don't want to pretend to be listening.
	Okay.
	Are you saying that they don't know that what they're talking about is economics?
	Most of the ideas that I have had discussions with the people, they aren't very well thought through, like the way that you would redistribute wealth without using force.
	No, no, wait a minute.
	Dude, dude, dude.
	God, you're not listening to me.
	I asked you a question.
	Right?
	Now, you can tell me you don't want to answer the question, but please don't ignore the fact that I just asked you a question.
	That's kind of rude, right?
	Okay.
	Okay.
	So I asked you, do you think that the Occupy people or the anarcho-socialists or the anarcho-communists, those who are critiquing the existing bailouts, Wall Street, capitalism, do they not think that it is a subject of economics?
	Do they not know that what they're talking about has something to do with economics?
	Yes.
	So, if they know that what they subject, as you said, they've never even heard of going to medical school, and I think that's not true.
	If you're critiquing the existing way in which wealth exists or is distributed or created or transferred in society, everybody knows that's economics.
	I mean, if you don't know that that's got something to do with economics, then you probably have not been able to figure out how to open your door, go down the stairs, and join the march, right?
	So, they know that it's about economics.
	So, don't tell me that there's no way they could possibly know that they need to study economics.
	But they don't even know what that is.
	They don't even know what economics is.
	Like, that's my point.
	No, no, no.
	Come on.
	You're saying they've never heard the word economics?
	No, they've heard the word economics, but just like you say they take it for granted that it's a result of economics, of course they take it as—but what is economics?
	It's such a cloudy movement, and there's no real definitions that they are— They are extremely – what I have found to be extremely receptive to the ideas of anarcho-capitalism if actually put in front of them.
	But I haven't found that they have been exposed to those type of ideas.
	Okay.
	I have – I did a video on Occupy and some demands that came out of the movement.
	And the responses were hostile and retarded.
	I saw Peter Schiff weighed in to the Occupy protesters.
	I've seen other people who are competent at economics weighed in.
	And these guys have no clue what they're talking about.
	And they are basically poster boys for the Don and Kruger effect, which is the less you know, the more confident you are about your knowledge.
	And the more knowledge you get, the more The less confident you are.
	I mean, I know technically what is called a shitload of stuff.
	And I really, really hesitate to tell anyone what to do.
	My ideal society, I mean, I know more about economics and history and philosophy than most of the people around.
	And my ideal society is...
	I'm incredibly humble because I can't tell people what to do.
	Other people can't tell me what to do.
	I don't know what the future holds, but I know we shouldn't be using guns when we get there.
	And we won't get there if we keep using guns.
	So if they are angry at the current system, I think that's fine.
	I think anger is a good place to start.
	But then you need to educate yourself.
	Now what they want to do is They want to get angry.
	They want to go sit someplace.
	They seem to want to smoke an inordinate amount of weed.
	There seems to be quite a lot of rape and assault going on in these lovely little communities, and they leave their turds and crap all over the park, and they don't seem to spend a whole lot of time actually studying anything that might be useful to the cause that they claim that they're committed to.
	They do seem to spend a lot of time in drum circles, and they do seem to find any kind of form-fitting clothing allergic to We had a couple of people I had conversations with about this stuff.
	And again, this is not representative of the movement as a whole.
	But If you compare that to something like the Tea Party, like the Tea Party had their rallies, and then they did all the boring, stupid work of getting people signed up, of getting people to donate money to political campaigns, getting the required signatures, running for office, all that boring stuff, and the Tea Party has sent a whole bunch of people to Congress.
	So it seems to me that these young, pasty-faced, be-pimpled, dreadlocked, rearing dudes are angry and incoherent, and they don't seem to know What they don't know.
	And I've never found it harder to teach anyone than teaching people who don't even know that they don't know.
	So that's my thoughts about it.
	If you've had a better way of doing it, I think that's fantastic.
	Wait, but Steph, you taught me, man.
	I was one of them, man.
	I was a total, like, Zeitgeister and such.
	Maybe you speak your language.
	Maybe you have, I mean, what, are they going to look at me and say, yeah, that guy's down with my vibe, man.
	They're probably going to think I'm a narc.
	But, you know, if you have a way of speaking to them in their guttural, barky, polysyllabic language, I think that's fantastic.
	Go to it.
	If you want to ask any of them to call into the show, I think that would be fantastic.
	But it seems to me that they are strong in emotion and short on thought.
	And I don't have any respect for any intellectual movement that takes that approach.
	You know, oh, I'm really angry at Wall Street.
	Oh, I'm really angry at...
	The Wall Street.
	Well, Wall Street, how many steps is it from Wall Street to the Federal Reserve?
	Not many.
	Not many.
	Who created the money to give to these banks?
	The Fed.
	It's not the tarp with money that comes from the Fed.
	Where do they get their money from?
	The Fed.
	Where do they park their money?
	The Fed.
	Right?
	So say, I'm angry at Wall Street.
	Okay.
	Who gives Wall Street money?
	Who runs Wall Street?
	The government.
	Right?
	SEC, regulations, and the Federal Reserve.
	So, okay, Federal Reserve gives lots of money to the banks.
	That means that the banks are focused on the government, not their customers, blah-de-blah-de-blah.
	So then you say, okay, Federal Reserve is a problem.
	Who criticizes the Federal Reserve?
	Well, libertarians criticize the Federal Reserve.
	Ron Paul has a whole good book on it.
	Tom Woods has a whole good book on it.
	My goodness.
	Edward G. Griffin has a whole great book on it.
	So it's really not that hard, right?
	You say, oh, I hate the banks.
	Who gets the bank's money?
	The Federal Reserve.
	Who criticized the Federal Reserve?
	Just Google it.
	And then it's like three bucks for an e-book.
	Take you an hour or two to read it.
	We're not saying to people they've got to go get PhDs in economics.
	You know, an afternoon!
	Put down the goddamn drums!
	Put down the bong!
	Stop trying to finger the girl who smells like she has not bathed in a week because she hasn't bathed in a week.
	And go and read something so that you have some clue what it is that you're opposing.
	But these guys are just blindfolding themselves and throwing spears at a crowd.
	I mean...
	Right?
	Yeah, I agree.
	And what are they protesting Wall Street for?
	I mean, go protest the Fed.
	Until they camp out in front of the Fed or Congress, then they have not even followed two breadcrumbs of the true enemy.
	Oh, I know.
	And if they're willing to get arrested but not willing to spend an afternoon reading a book, then what they want is to get arrested.
	And what they want is to make a lot of noise.
	And what they want is to avoid the challenging act of thinking about their lives.
	Now, people who are that committed to not thinking, I don't know.
	I just don't know.
	I'll try and convert people to atheism if they call into this show.
	But I'm not going to go scream at some televangelist who makes $50 million a year from being religious.
	it's just it's cool It's hip.
	It's trendy.
	These are the same titwads who were protesting against apartheid in the 80s.
	I ain't going to play Sun City.
	Free Nelson Mandela.
	I hate apartheid.
	Apartheid is terrible.
	Yeah, of course apartheid is terrible.
	And now that the South African economy has gone into the toilet, has turned into the rape capital of the world, yay!
	Where are they?
	Well, they're onto some next cool, trendy bullshit, right?
	Now, some people do figure this stuff out.
	You know, props to the silken-voiced Bono.
	He has finally recognized that it is not foreign aid that creates wealth, but trade.
	That's wonderful.
	You know, for a guy who's an entrepreneur who buys and sells records, t-shirts, CDs, concerts, concert footage, and all that, for a guy who's heavily involved in entrepreneurial capitalism, I guess it only took him about 30 fucking years to figure out that trade, which he's been engaged in for the past 30 years, is actually beneficial.
	So, you know, for a rock star, three decades is pretty good.
	But I don't have that amount of time to wait.
	Okay, well, I'll give it the old college try and see how it goes.
	Maybe I could let you know Of some tactics that I've used that brought about some better responses.
	No!
	Get the drum circle to call into this show!
	Get the drum circle.
	Or whatever.
	Whatever they're doing.
	Tell them to stop picking nits off each other's backs and call into this show and let's talk about how they can really apply their emotional energy to the true enemy.
	Right now, they're trying to build a house on water.
	I mean, I guess you can throw a lot of bricks in, but you ain't going to end up with anything that you can sleep in.
	But yeah, no, seriously, get these guys to call in, you know?
	I'll put some dreads on.
	I'll not bathe.
	I'll pump some dry ice into the studio.
	Whatever it is that makes them feel, I'm one of them, man.
	I really want to rap.
	Okay.
	All right.
	Well, thanks very much for calling in.
	I appreciate that.
	Thanks for your patience as I grill you on these topics.
	I hope I wasn't too annoying.
	I hope you have a great time there.
	And if you can get them to call in, that'd be great.
	I'm sorry, you wanted to say?
	I do want to say one thing before I go.
	Anyone that's listening to this show, please do yourself the favor of donating.
	Once you donate, the way that you hear the show will change immensely and you'll feel...
	100% confident that this whole voluntarist thing can work.
	It's the way the show works.
	Steph doesn't talk about it enough.
	Gotta say it before I go.
	Well, I'm not going to interrupt that.
	I appreciate that.
	FDRURL.com slash donate.
	Have a brother out!
	Alright, who's next?
	Thanks a lot, Steph.
	Thank you, man.
	Have a great time.
	And give us a shout when you get back.
	Let us know how it was.
	Will do.
	Thanks, Hunter.
	All right.
	Up next is Ryan.
	And Ryan wrote in and said, what are some ways to protect a business?
	I'm sorry.
	I just have to get out of my system.
	The man named Hunter is going to Burning Man to not use money.
	It's so fucking primal.
	Don't you feel like you just want to rip your shirt off, squeeze a gerbil in two, rub it over your chest, and go rape a tree?
	I'm just telling you, I'm glad I'm not doing this call outside.
	Hunter, go burn man!
	Not trade, but talk words of change!
	Anyway.
	I feel chest hair sprouting as you speak right now.
	I felt one.
	One poked its way through.
	Oh no, it's gone back in.
	Sorry.
	It was scared.
	Okay.
	All right, up next is Ryan.
	Ryan wrote in and said, what are some ways to protect unique business inventions and branding that lines up with the non-aggression principle without using patents or copyright, that kind of thing?
	Do you have any thoughts on targeting clientele that will be using public money to purchase my products?
	Oh, so how do you, like, can you give me an example?
	Like, what?
	In terms of, like, business stuff.
	Hey, Stefan.
	Is my audio okay?
	That's all right.
	Okay.
	So yeah, I invented a product for kids, and I'm out there in the world trying to get it sold.
	Are you the windowless van guy?
	I'm not.
	Okay, sorry, go ahead.
	It's not directed toward kids, more toward parents buying things for kids.
	Right.
	So, yeah, I mean, you can't really get any advice out in the world as soon as you tell them that you're not going to patent your idea.
	They shut down and start going cross-eyed.
	So, I mean, the product that I make is a calendar for kids to teach them about time anticipation.
	And, I don't know, what else do you want to know about it?
	Can you patent a calendar, really?
	Well, maybe.
	And so the investors are saying, look, if you can't patent it, then we don't care, right?
	Because you can't create that fence, which guarantees rent-seeking profits, right?
	Absolutely.
	Right.
	Well...
	You can, of course, in a free society, you can make a contract with whoever buys your stuff, right?
	You can say, listen, I'm only going to sell this to you, but you can't photocopy it.
	You can't ever create a business model based upon it.
	You can just have a big contract, like a EULA, and use a license agreement for your calendar, right?
	And you can try and make that stick if you want.
	Even with licensing, I guess I'm not that familiar with it.
	I have had suggestions to license it to a manufacturer, and I couldn't imagine that a manufacturer would want to take the risk in tooling and these sorts of things unless the product was protected in some way.
	What, do you mean sort of in the future?
	No, I mean...
	Well, no, listen, right now, of course, of course.
	I mean, right now, given that the patent system exists, people use it, right?
	I mean, it's like saying, I'm an anarcho-capitalist, so I'm never setting foot on a road.
	Well, the roads are there, and we've got to get places, so we use them, right?
	And there is a way of rent-seeking by patenting stuff and keeping people away from your invention and so on.
	And so that's what people do now.
	It's understandable.
	Most of the big companies...
	Microsoft and Apple weren't hugely interested in patents until they got hit with a whole bunch of patent trolls.
	And then it spawned this big legal department and slowed down the growth of their technology and so on.
	Right now, you have to.
	It's a defensive measure and so on.
	Investors are probably going to get more money if you can gain some kind of exclusive use of some particular thing.
	So right now, that's the way that it is.
	In the future, of course, It's going to be very different.
	I mean, you can try and sell stuff with exclusionary things on it, like you can't do this with it, you can't do that with it.
	And maybe some people will buy it and maybe some people won't.
	But the reality is that in places where there have been almost no patent or copyright protection, economic growth is much faster.
	And Jeff Tucker has a whole...
	It's a Jetsons World, which is available at freedomainradio.com and also...
	YouTube slash Free Domain Radio.
	He's got a whole chapter on patents and all that, so I won't repeat all those arguments here.
	But people who go in and create patents are excluding other people from coming into the market.
	And if you're in business and you have no competitors, you're in the wrong business, right?
	Because it means nobody else is interested in trying to get your customers.
	Nobody else is trying to get into your marketplace.
	So if there were no patents on your idea for a calendar, then lots of people would be swarming in creating calendars, which would be great because then people would be advertising all kinds of cool calendars.
	Like when I was in the software field, we did environmental management information systems and it was great having competitors because we didn't have the budget to advertise in all the magazines.
	So we'd find a magazine that our competitors weren't advertising in, and we'd advertise in that magazine.
	And they loved that we advertised in those magazines.
	And do you know why?
	For advertising dollars.
	Well, I know, but why would we be happy that other people were advertising in our market space?
	I would guess that it gives you...
	Well, it doesn't give us exposure, but it gives, like a lot of people don't even know about environmental management information systems, even in the business world.
	So they see an ad, right?
	And they say, wow, and they go to this person's website, and they have all this company's website, and they see what that company does.
	And then they say, well, maybe I want me one of those.
	And then they start researching environmental management information systems, and that's how they would find us, and vice versa would occur, right?
	If you're the only person, then it means you really can't get that much exposure.
	Like, everybody knows about cell phones because there are ads for cell phones everywhere.
	And then when you decide you want to buy a cell phone, Then you just go look up all these features, and you probably are going to buy a cell phone from someone who didn't even advertise.
	The advertisement told you that these features were available, right?
	So there are cell phones now that record 4K video.
	And you've seen an ad for that, and you go, oh, 4K video, that sounds cool.
	I'll buy a monitor in three years that can show that.
	How cool is that?
	And then you go, but you may not buy...
	The model that was advertised with 4K video, you may buy another model completely.
	So you want more and more people in a market.
	And the best way to get more and more people in the market is to not have exclusionary fiefdoms like copyrights and patents and stuff like that.
	That would be my suggestion.
	Yeah, that's interesting because there's no doubt getting exposure on a completely unique idea and invention is not impossible, but it definitely takes an unbelievable amount of work.
	Yeah, and look, I mean, the best way to keep ahead of the market is to keep ahead of the market.
	To me, patents and copyrights, and this is true of copyrights in particular, what they are is people saying to the world, I'm really terrified I'm never going to have another idea.
	This could be it for me.
	I may never have another idea of any kind.
	So I really got to fiercely protect this one.
	Whereas, I mean, I put out all my stuff for free.
	Because I'm pretty positive and pretty confident that I am, in fact, going to have another idea tomorrow.
	In fact, one of the things I love about doing these shows is it allows me to generate new ideas.
	I would not be talking about this subject.
	I would have been talking about the last subject.
	I wouldn't have made the metaphors, the analogies, the jokes.
	It just wouldn't have happened.
	If I wasn't doing this conversation right now, I'm confident I'm going to have lots more good ideas tomorrow, and therefore I don't need to spend a lot of time hanging onto and fiercely guarding my ideas in the past.
	Does that make any sense?
	No, that makes perfect sense.
	You know what it's like?
	It's like you have a really hot girlfriend and you make home sex tapes, right?
	Or who uses tape anymore, right?
	You make home sex videos, right?
	And then your girlfriend comes to you and says, Hey baby, do you want to watch some of that sex video and then go to sleep?
	Or do you want to actually have sex?
	Well, if you never believed you were going to have sex in the future, you'd hang on like grim death to that sex video, right?
	Right?
	But if you know you're going to have lots of sex in the future, you don't care that much about the sex video in the past.
	Why?
	Because it's better to be doing it than watching it, right?
	So the lack of confidence about future fertility, I think, is one of the things that really drives this focus on copyright and just hanging on like grim death to your stuff.
	So I hope that helps.
	Yeah, that does help.
	I have another question surrounding that.
	So my product, we market it to private schools, Montessori schools, preschools, that sort of thing.
	And the magazines that we advertise in are not exclusive to private schools.
	There's a lot of public school teachers that buy out of the same magazine.
	And I've had to deal with the Kind of icky world of the public school system in that sense.
	I was just curious, in your software business, if you were always selling to private clients, or did the public sector ever kind of creep into your business world there?
	Yes, we sold to the public sector.
	Just private clients, you said?
	No, we did sell to the public sector.
	I'm so sorry, Stefan.
	My audio is so bad I can barely hear you.
	Yes, public sector.
	Public sector.
	So you did sell to the public sector.
	Yes, I've mentioned that a few times on the show before.
	Not that you would have to know that.
	And so when you were selling to the public sector, were you advertising directly to the public sector or they just found you in a way that you didn't advertise directly?
	Yes.
	No, we advertised in media that was focused on particular job categories, some of which were in the public sector and some of which were in the private sector.
	Alright, well I'll have to check up on those podcasts.
	I didn't hear you speak about that before, but was there any morality issues that you came up with surrounding that?
	No.
	No, I mean, well, back then I wasn't an anarchist.
	I was a minarchist.
	So some of the public sector entities that we were selling to, I considered legitimate within a free market, minarchist-style, objectivist-style government.
	But no, I wouldn't, you know...
	It doesn't matter to me.
	I mean, the line of...
	There are lines.
	Like, I would never become a cop, right?
	I would never become a soldier or anything like that.
	But, you know, as far as business goes, you know, I mean, I just...
	I don't think I'd really care that much about it.
	I consider myself a very honorable man and I work hard to do the best that I can in life in a challenging moral environment, but I'm just not that interested in...
	Focusing on moral perfection on my side when there are so many morally, highly imperfect people around me.
	So I'll strive for integrity in my personal life.
	In my public life, I pay my taxes, I obey the law, and so on.
	You know, in my public life, I bow to the system that there is.
	And in my private life and in my conversations with people, I encourage them to live virtuously.
	But it's much more important to me that someone, you know, don't hit your kids, marry the right person, raise your children peacefully and so on, rather than, what, you took a dime of public money?
	It's like, well, you can't avoid that.
	Here in Canada, anyway, I mean, so many things are subsidized.
	You couldn't exist.
	and avoid public money.
	So it doesn't really bother me one way or the other.
	You could also argue that you're getting money out of the public sector into intelligent, competent people in the private sector is a pretty good thing.
	You're bungeeing in and rescuing that money from being stuck at the DMV, and then you're liberating it to free market individuals.
	So, yay.
	So, anyway, that's my thought.
	Well, great.
	Hey, before I leave, I did want to tell you, Stefan, I really appreciate the effort that it takes to put out so much content.
	I've had to recently put out a total of 13 minutes of video content, and it took a ridiculous amount of time to get that done at an even, you know, moderate level of quality.
	So I've had a newfound respect for the ability to put out content.
	Well, thank you.
	I appreciate that.
	I mean, on behalf of the Free Domain Radio team, Stoyan and Mike and myself, and of course all the donors, we appreciate that.
	It's no longer a solo show.
	I am very much being held aloft.
	I am crowd surfing on the brilliance of the other workers here.
	But I really appreciate that.
	All right.
	You have a good night.
	Thank you very much.
	All right.
	And Kristen is up next.
	And Kristen wrote in and said, I find myself running from confrontation and not dealing with the things that I feel I need to deal with.
	Bullshit!
	I'm sorry.
	Where do you think this comes from?
	And do you have any practical advice on how to change it?
	Okay.
	Can you guys hear me okay?
	Yes.
	Actually, that's pretty good audio.
	Most of the guys seem to be calling in, but like...
	Yogurt cups and string.
	So, yeah, this sounds good.
	This sounds good.
	Okay.
	Confrontation.
	What do you mean by confrontation?
	Well, I'll give you some background.
	Sorry, can I rephrase that?
	Yes.
	Kristen, what the hell do you mean by confrontation?
	No, I'm kidding.
	And I should hang up right now, right?
	Yeah, it's too obvious, but I thought I'd do it anyway.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	This year has been kind of crazy for me.
	Back in March, I'd worked for the same company for the last nine years and I was laid off.
	And I think a lot of looking...
	Over the last few months since March, I've done a lot of like soul searching and trying to figure out how I can better myself.
	And so calling into your show was one of the things that I just wanted to get some insight from you on where these emotions are coming from and why I'm struggling with this confrontation issues.
	And I think a lot of it had to do with losing my job as to not be able to Speak up when the time was right.
	And another big part of it was the relationship I was just currently in with my ex.
	A lot of communication issues were stemming from that not being able to front him.
	Communication issues.
	The big giant foggy vat wherein relationship dysfunctions are thrown in.
	Communication issues.
	I never know what that means.
	So, okay, so by confrontation, you're telling me that you had communication issues with your ex-boyfriend and you lost your job?
	Yes.
	Okay.
	Neither of those are specific confrontations.
	I guess...
	Okay, let's see.
	With my work...
	I was in management, so I was managing a group of six individuals.
	I'd worked my way up in the company.
	I was highly respected.
	And then in my personal life, there was issues going on with my ex, which then trickled over into my professional life, which go hand in hand because I was not being able to, I guess, communicate.
	And then Deal with the confrontation when it was presented to me.
	I don't know.
	I'm trying to, like...
	Hello, Christine.
	Yes?
	What am I going to say?
	But I'm not answering your question.
	Oh, my goodness!
	I'm exhausted from the runaround.
	I feel like...
	Are you Ari Fleiss or something?
	You're like a White House press correspondent or something?
	Like...
	For God's sake, woman, spit it out!
	I know.
	I guess, too.
	Look, this is anonymous.
	This is anonymous.
	Nobody knows who you are.
	Nobody's going to know who you are.
	Okay.
	So you were doing well at work, and then something happened in your relationship that spilled over into your work.
	Correct.
	Okay.
	What happened?
	I mean, just give me some base Anglo-Saxon action words.
	So he actually listens to your podcast.
	He's the one that got me to start listening to it.
	And him and I dated for eight months officially.
	We broke up August of last year.
	And there was a lot of trust issues through the relationship.
	No, no, you are not allowed to use the word issues anymore.
	I'm afraid that is verboten because I don't know what that means.
	What is trust issue?
	There were a lot of trust issues.
	Did he cheat on you?
	Did he lie to you?
	Did he steal from you?
	Lying.
	There was lying.
	We've talked about it.
	He doesn't think it was lying.
	He says he was just not forthright in telling the whole story if it wasn't necessary.
	Because if he was forthright, then it would...
	What was the story?
	What was the story?
	Don't describe me things.
	Tell me actual things.
	Like, don't give me the editor.
	I don't want to see the edited version.
	I don't want to see the review.
	Show me the thing itself.
	So what did he lie about, in your view?
	So...
	In April of last year, I'd come across that my neighbor that lives right next to me, he was following her on his Google Plus page.
	And I asked him, I was like, oh, how do you know my neighbor?
	And he was like, I don't know your neighbor.
	And I was like, okay, well, that's strange because you guys follow each other on Google Plus.
	So then I kind of just kept that in the back of my mind.
	Well, in October of last year, I found out that he does know my neighbor because he has a daughter with her.
	What?
	Yes.
	It's a really crazy random world.
	Hold the phone!
	Hold the phone!
	Wait, wait, stop!
	Stop!
	Okay.
	I don't know your neighbor other than having had a child with her.
	Oh, that neighbor!
	I thought you meant your other neighbor on the other side.
	Correct.
	Oh my God!
	So, for the last three years that I've lived where I live, I've watched this little girl grow up.
	And my daughter was friends with her.
	They went to the same school.
	He has never met her or been a part of her life.
	He has another daughter that I was aware of during the whole time we were dating.
	And So there was just a lot of hurt.
	There was a lot of, obviously, questions looking back over the times, like why I wasn't able to meet his family, why, you know, just things were very, it just didn't feel right, but I could never put my finger on why it wasn't feeling right.
	After we broke up in August and all this kind of came to a head, And it all came out.
	And then we had stopped being physical with each other, like, intimately.
	And so you had stopped what?
	Having sex with each other.
	And then he started having sex with somebody else pretty quickly.
	And then him and I started having sex again.
	And then...
	Yeah!
	Yeah, so it's been this emotional tug-of-war...
	I almost feel like it's just been this game and it's been going on.
	You gotta stop.
	You gotta stop.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	Oh, my God.
	How well hung is he?
	This is the only thing that I could accept that you would put yourself in this position.
	Is he actually a tripod?
	Does he have to get on a stepladder to use a urinal?
	How big is his penis?
	I need to know.
	Oh, my gosh.
	He's gonna listen to this show.
	Good.
	Yeah, you call into this show, young man, and you tell me how you neglected to mention that your spawn was in the next house.
	Anyway, how big was his penis?
	I'd say his average.
	Oh my gosh.
	You don't understand.
	Okay, so nothing...
	So he doesn't drop his pants and you don't drop your jaw, right?
	I mean, I guess you do, but not out of form, right?
	He doesn't, like, unroll, like, a red carpet downstairs, right?
	No, nothing like Ron Jeremy style or whatever.
	Yeah, so he's not like the guy with the 18-inch penis who just likes to get into a bath after a long day and unwind.
	Okay.
	Was he able to lick his own eyebrows?
	No.
	Okay, so he hasn't got one of these, like, giant tentacle-armed Gene Simmons tongues, right?
	Um, no.
	Alright.
	Was he staggeringly great in bed?
	I'd say our emotional connection while being intimate is the best that I've ever experienced.
	So your emotional connection with the Bangathon Limeister was good, right?
	Yes.
	Okay.
	Is he pretty?
	Yes.
	Oh, you hesitated there, didn't you?
	Oh, dear.
	He's, like, very attractive.
	Right.
	So did you feel, like, kind of a thrill being out with him?
	Like, oh, yeah, ladies, my pussy snagged this one.
	Oh, yeah.
	I guess it's It wasn't like that.
	I loved him for him, and even through everything...
	Oh, no!
	No!
	No!
	What do you mean you loved him for him?
	He didn't tell you that you were living next to his daughter.
	I know, and it does.
	Still thinking about that, it hurts.
	And along with the other lies, or lack thereof, Were there bigger lies or did you lead off with the big one?
	There was...
	So after him and I officially broke up and then we remained physical with each other...
	That's not breaking you up!
	That's not breaking you up!
	I know.
	After I left the town while continuing to live there, it's like, nope, if you're still having sex, you're not broken up, right?
	Correct.
	Okay.
	We basically, I was like, you know, I don't want to really start looking to be in a relationship with anybody else, but I do want to continue to sleep with you.
	But would you just be open with me if you're going to sleep with anybody else?
	Because that's not fair for me.
	And he said, yes.
	Is that what he said or what you said?
	No, that's what I said.
	And so he agreed.
	Hang on, let me just run through.
	I want to make sure I understand that.
	So you said, I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone else.
	I don't really want to be in a relationship with you.
	I still want to have sex, but please tell me if you're going to have sex with other people.
	Yes, but I would have loved to be in a relationship with him, but there were so many things where it's never going to happen.
	You mean the lying?
	Yes, the lying.
	So you wanted to be in a relationship with him, except he was a liar about incredibly important things.
	Yes.
	I still don't, I mean, other than, okay, one to ten, what are we talking here?
	Like, what does he look like?
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah, he's definitely like a nine or a ten.
	Yeah.
	A nine out of ten, okay.
	And where would you rate yourself?
	No time for false modesty.
	Everybody knows.
	I'd say I'm like a six or seven.
	Right.
	Maybe an eight.
	Alright.
	Alright.
	So what is it about him that was so appealing to you?
	I mean, we get that he's pretty, but what else?
	I guess he...
	I had...
	I'd fallen in love with just his personality and...
	No, that's too generic.
	He was a carbon-based life form and I was a suction pad.
	I mean, that doesn't explain anything, right?
	What about his personality did you fall in love with?
	The fact that he was...
	He's very...
	He keeps to himself.
	He's very intriguing.
	I felt like...
	No, he's just got a lot to hide.
	He's not intriguing.
	He's just hiding.
	You know, this gopher I'm chasing is very intriguing because it went right into a hole.
	Anyway, sorry, go on.
	Yeah, I guess I felt the reason why I didn't separate it was because...
	In the back of my mind, I wanted it to work so badly with him, and I would have done anything to make that happen regardless of my feelings.
	Yes, I understand that.
	I understand that.
	But why did you want this to happen so badly?
	You still haven't told me.
	He keeps to himself.
	He's mysterious.
	Average-sized penis.
	Can't lick his own eyebrows.
	Kind of a good emotional connection in bed, which is kind of weird when he's a chronic liar.
	But what about him did you love?
	The fact that he was there for me, I guess, when my family wasn't.
	So he did things for you?
	Yeah.
	Sorry, I'm going to get emotional.
	But yeah, he...
	He was there for me.
	It was almost like I got sucked into his world and became this totally different person that now I'm having to dig myself out of this hole to find myself again.
	And it was just this vicious cycle.
	But at the time, I had blinders on.
	And I thought basically what he spoke was the Bible.
	He has this way of pulling people in.
	I'm not saying this is analogous directly, but I'm plowing my way through Fifty Shades of Grey at the moment.
	And the degree to which women get wet for random immaturity, which they call confusion and enigmatic and all this kind of stuff, you know.
	Well, he was really happy.
	Then he got really angry.
	Now he's very silent.
	But I really liked it when he was jokey this morning.
	It's like, he doesn't need vagina, he needs lithium.
	It's just the degree to which, like, enigmatic men make women excited.
	It's just, I don't know, I'll figure it out at some point, but it's not...
	Not altogether clear to me right now.
	It's like, I don't know what, what the hell is in this food?
	I must eat it!
	I like to read a few lists of ingredients myself, right?
	I want to buy a house.
	Do you want to look at it?
	No!
	Only the outside.
	From Google Maps.
	That's it.
	I want to, and then go, I'm buying it.
	I don't want to look inside.
	No!
	Mystery is great.
	I'm going to commit.
	You want a job?
	Yes.
	What is it?
	I'm not going to tell you.
	I'm in.
	Like, mystery is just bad.
	It's not good.
	Mystery is people with stuff to hide or who lack self-knowledge or who are manipulative and have no center.
	And I agree with you.
	I think looking...
	Analyzing everything that has taken place, if I could describe him, he does have a manipulative side and he knows how to use it and he knows how to pick women that are vulnerable and I guess you could say he preys on that.
	Well, look, but it's much deeper biologically, right?
	Women are attracted—this is all generalities, right?
	But women are attracted to men who don't pander to them, who are willing to be moody or who are willing to be abrupt or who are willing to be distant or willing to not call because those are markers of a dominant male.
	Women want to be picked out of a crowd by a dominant male.
	Biologically.
	I'm just talking about what the eggs want, not what your heart wants.
	What your eggs want is some asshole who's going to bring home a lot of meat.
	And who's going to bash on the head any other man who threatens you.
	So you don't want Joe empathy.
	You want Joe cold-eyed, cudgel-wielding sociopath in a lot of ways.
	I'm not saying this guy is a sociopath.
	But So, a man who is kind and considerate is viewed by the eggs as a baiter, right?
	And this is just something that women have to outgrow.
	I mean, there's nothing wrong with it.
	Biologically, it makes perfect sense, right?
	I mean, a powerful...
	Like, when we're all shocked, my God!
	Arnold Schwarzenegger had an affair!
	Robin Williams had an affair!
	Of course, I mean, they're alphids.
	They've got more money than God.
	Talent, charisma, looks, fame, you name it.
	Women will throw themselves at men like that over and over again.
	Even if you look like Tom Likas, women will throw.
	He says, look, I'm a two at best out of ten, but women throw themselves at me.
	I'm bald, I'm fat, I look like a munchkin, I look like some troll sat on another troll.
	But women throw themselves at him because he's got money and he's got fame and he's got power.
	So, women are deeply excited by an emotionally inaccessible man because that emotional inaccessibility means that he's going to be dominant in the competition for resources in the tribe and in nature.
	Does that make any sense at all?
	Yeah.
	No, it does.
	And so women are always telling men to be nice.
	And men get incredibly frustrated about this by the by, right?
	As women are, oh, we want a nice guy, we want a nice guy.
	Oh, this last guy was so mean to me.
	And they're all crying on the shoulder of the beta, right?
	Or I guess this is the Zeta, whatever it is, right?
	But you are excited by a man...
	Who is evasive and cold and emotionally unavailable and unconnected and so on.
	Because your eggs just want resources and haven't realized that there are grocery stores yet.
	Like, our tongues have not realized that sugar is plentiful.
	So it's just like, eat sugar, eat sugar, eat fat, eat sugar, eat salt, eat fat, right?
	Because they haven't figured out that it's plentiful.
	And your eggs and your lizard brain have not figured out that You can make your own money.
	The alpha is not necessarily going to be the guy who wins in the long run in a modern society.
	We can talk about your childhood, which I think is an important thing to talk about, but it is important to understand that your eggs don't want a man.
	Your eggs want resources.
	And the man is the conveyor belt of the resources to bring them to you while you are pregnant and breastfeeding and pregnant and breastfeeding and pregnant and rinse and repeat, right?
	So you don't care about the man, you care about the resources.
	In the same way, biologically, men don't care about the woman, they care about the eggs, right?
	Yeah.
	Which is why men go for fertile women and women go for men who have a lot of resources.
	And again, there's nothing wrong with it at all.
	Except that men, for about 10,000 years, have been getting slapped upside the head, both legally and morally and religiously and personally, if they cheat on a woman.
	But women are not being called to account for going after cold-eyed resource monkeys instead of nice guys.
	Or...
	I don't even mind if women want to do that.
	Just be honest.
	Don't tell guys, and I'm not saying this is you, right?
	This is a general rant.
	I don't say to guys, well, I just want a nice guy.
	I want a guy who's going to be there for me, who's thoughtful, who's considerate, who brings me flowers and chocolates and Hallmark cards and blah-de-blah-de-blah.
	No.
	I want a cold-eyed resource conveyor belt who's going to be going and getting me crap to feed me and feed my babies.
	It's just the honesty, right?
	So, I just wanted to point that out.
	And this is why you were desperate for it to work.
	I would say probably, again, I could be completely wrong.
	It's just my thought.
	I mean, I told them, and I mean, we'd had conversations, and I told them that I was ready to settle down and to, you know, I have a six-year-old daughter.
	I'm, you know, 29 years old.
	I'm ready to make a life of myself with somebody else.
	And he just wasn't.
	Hang on.
	Hang on.
	You have a six-year-old daughter?
	Yes.
	Right.
	And what happened to the father of your daughter?
	We were together for about a year, and when he found out I was pregnant, he left me.
	Well, how did you get pregnant?
	Well, we were...
	Be honest.
	Be honest.
	We didn't use protection when we were together.
	Are you asking me a question?
	I don't know.
	I haven't reviewed the videotape footage.
	No, I got pregnant with my daughter's dad because we didn't use protection and I wasn't on any type of birth control.
	Okay, that really doesn't answer the question because of course you weren't using protection.
	Of course you weren't using protection.
	Why weren't you using protection with a guy you'd known for eight months?
	No, my daughter's father, we were together for a year, over a year.
	Okay, sorry, it's 12 or 13 months rather than 8 months.
	Not really the most salient part of my question, right?
	No, you asked me how I got pregnant with my daughter's father.
	Right.
	Okay.
	You weren't using protection, but why weren't you using protection?
	I guess because we were young and ignorant.
	Did you not know how babies were made?
	You're 23 years old.
	I did know how babies were made.
	So you weren't ignorant.
	So why did you have a baby?
	Because my morals and values were that was the only route I was going to allow to happen.
	I don't understand what that means.
	I mean, abortion is not something that I... No, no.
	Why did you not use protection when you knew that almost certainly it was going to make a baby?
	I... I don't know.
	We just did not use protection.
	I'm trying to put myself back in that position, but it just wasn't...
	We both agreed, I guess.
	We didn't want to.
	Wait, did he know you weren't using protection?
	Well, he knew I wasn't on birth control, yeah.
	So, he didn't want to be a father, obviously, right?
	Yes, he did not.
	Oh, my God.
	Huston, are you telling me that you weren't using protection With a man who did not want to be a father and was so retarded that he was willing to have sex with you when he knew you weren't on birth control despite the fact that he really didn't want to be a father.
	I did not know he didn't want to be a father when we were together.
	We were 23 years old.
	We were having fun.
	We were living life.
	I guess it wasn't a conversation that had been had.
	Wait, wait, wait.
	He knew you weren't on birth control, right?
	Correct.
	And you had not discussed whether you wanted to have children, but you were doing exactly what nature intends you to do to have children.
	Yes.
	You are not answering this question.
	I mean, I can't even have a conversation with you In any way, shape, or form, if we can't even get close to why?
	This is a huge question, right?
	Because look, I'm telling you, and the reason I'm asking you this is you want to get with a good guy, right?
	Yes.
	Now, do you think I'm a good guy?
	I love listening to you, and I think you have really good points.
	And how you speak of being a father and a husband, yes.
	Yes.
	Okay.
	The reason I'm asking you this, Kristen, is that a good guy will ask you this.
	Okay.
	And I'm telling you, the answers you're giving will make a good guy strap on his jetpack and take off to Alpha Centauri.
	Okay.
	You have to have an answer.
	Because no quality guy...
	Look, you already have a handicap in that you have a six-year-old daughter.
	Okay.
	I mean, I've done a whole thing about single moms, so I'm not going to go into it here.
	You already have a big handicap.
	If the other handicap is, well, I just got pregnant.
	I don't know.
	I was young.
	Well, you weren't that young.
	23.
	Honestly, I... Well, we never had a conversation about having children, but we were just having unprotected sex, and then the guy took off when he found out I was pregnant.
	Do you know that, like, if you don't have an emotionally traumatic reason for having a baby, you sound way too irresponsible for any sane man to date.
	But there is an answer as to why you had the baby.
	And you can't just claim, YOLO! Right?
	So you're asking me why I went through with having the baby after telling you her father?
	No!
	Why did you have unprotected sex?
	With a man you had never even discussed having children with.
	There's an emotional reason for that that is not the woo girl, potty time, young, you only live once nonsense that you're feeding me, right?
	I guess because that's when I had...
	At first we did use condoms and then he asked to not use them anymore and I... I went along with that.
	I felt at the time I was really responsible in knowing when I would be ovulating or my period was, but obviously that had failed me.
	No, no, no, no, no.
	The rhythm method did not fail you.
	The rhythm method did not fail you.
	Did you look up what are the odds of getting pregnant using only the rhythm method?
	Um, no.
	I mean, I... Ah!
	It's a human life, for God's sakes!
	No, because I just never have...
	I think there's a reason there are 12 zillion Catholics in the world!
	Yeah, that's very true.
	Okay, I'll tell you.
	Let me just see here.
	Mike, can you start a timer?
	Hang on, hang on.
	Okay.
	I'll just throw my glasses on here.
	Mike?
	Start a timer, okay?
	Google is up, and I'm typing with one hand, not because I'm doing anything weird with the other hand, right?
	Okay, Mike, start the timer.
	All right.
	Rhythm of the night.
	Rhythm, method, effectiveness.
	Here we go.
	75% effective.
	How long did that take, Mike?
	23 seconds.
	23 seconds.
	You know, if I was using my hand for something sinister, anyway.
	Okay, 75 to 87, blah, blah, blah.
	But it's very difficult to do it correctly, right?
	Correct.
	Yeah.
	Now, do you know why any intelligent guy is going to be asking you these questions?
	I mean, obviously, if they're going to put themselves in a situation with me, they would want to know, I guess, background on my decisions as to why I was a single mom so early or what was my intentions at that point in my life.
	Yeah, and that's probably got something to do with it.
	Have you learned anything from a mistake?
	Now, please understand, I'm not saying your daughter's life is a mistake.
	I'm sure your daughter is wonderful.
	I'm sure that you love her very much and so on.
	But it is a huge mistake to have a baby at 23 with a guy who takes off, right?
	Yeah.
	Right?
	So, one of the reasons, if I am a guy looking to date you, I need to figure out what kind of gene pool I'm wading into here, right?
	Mm-hmm.
	Intelligence has something to do with genetics, right?
	And I'm going to sit there and say, okay, well, what kind of kid am I going to be raising here?
	And if my kid is half-spawned by a woman who didn't take 23 seconds to look up the rhythm method's effectiveness before having the bang-a-thon baby-making machine factory orgy fest, and a guy who said, I don't want to be a dad.
	I'd really like it if we had sex without condoms.
	Right?
	Then I'm going to think, well, you know, I'm going to have to wait until this kid's 20 to even teach her to tie her own shoes.
	Yeah.
	It sounds like I'm really...
	And I'm going to need to know, have you learned from your mistakes?
	Like, if...
	I remember going out with a woman back in my dating days.
	Man, she was tall.
	She was like 6'3", or something like that.
	I thought it was kind of sexy, but anyway.
	So I think we went on a second date.
	First date was nice.
	Second date, she says, oh yeah, I dated with this guy for like two years.
	He lived with me for the last year.
	And man, I came home from work one day and his stuff was just cleared out.
	I mean, he was just gone.
	And I said, wow, what happened?
	She's like, I have no idea.
	I'll never know to my dying day.
	Everything was going absolutely perfectly.
	And then one day I come home and he's just moved all his stuff out and I never heard from him again.
	And I said, uh, well, it's been nice, but I've got to go.
	And she, you know, called me a bunch more times and I just, I think I talked to her once more, but, uh, I mean, what do you even say?
	In a two-year relationship, she has no idea there's anything wrong.
	There's some reason that guy cleared out of that house.
	And either she was dating a guy who was just completely random and had no idea, or she was such a horrifying human being to live with and date that he basically felt his best option was to sneak out basically in the dead of night or while she was away at work and leave no forwarding address and never be in touch with her again, right?
	Now, If she'd said, this terrible thing happened and I really thought about it and I did some therapy and here's what I figured out about why things didn't work with that guy and here's all the mistakes that I made and this and that and the other, right?
	So if you had a child at 23 with a guy who took off, then here are the challenges I'm going to face as a guy who wants to date you.
	Either there were underlying psychological reasons as to why you made such a mistake.
	Rather than look something up for 26 seconds or 23 seconds on Google, you enter into a quarter of a million dollar obligation.
	And that's just the money, the time.
	So either there's underlying psychological reasons, which if there are, and there are of course, but if there are, Then if you've learned from them, okay.
	But if they're not, like if there are no underlying psychological reasons, then your decision-making is appallingly bad.
	And your boyfriend's decision-making were appallingly bad.
	And at 23, you're only a year or two away from final brain maturity.
	And if you haven't learned anything, it means that your decision-making now still is really bad.
	And if there aren't any underlying psychological reasons as to why you had the child, Then two people of really bad decision-making capability got together and made a child who is most likely to have a really bad decision-making capability.
	Do I want to start raising a child who's got really bad decision-making capability when they're six and after the age of four or five you can't be the disciplinarian or anything like that?
	Well, no.
	So this is why I'm asking you these questions and any intelligent guy Is going to ask these questions.
	And I'm telling you, if we were out on a date, the check would have come like 20 minutes ago.
	Because you don't have any insight as to why you had a child in this ridiculous manner.
	And neither do you have any curiosity about your lack of insight.
	I know you're an intelligent woman, and I know...
	That there's a reason why you had this child, but you don't know that reason, which means you're dangerous today.
	No, I do know I had a child because, I mean, in the moment was that my intention?
	Obviously, I was partaking in something that the chances are very high of getting pregnant, yes, but once I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't gonna have an abortion.
	That wasn't an option.
	Why not give the child up to adoption to a stable two-parent family where they have the chance to give the resources to the child that you couldn't even dream of at the age of 23 as a single mom, right?
	Because I had the support of my family at the time.
	That I have a very guilty conscience and that would have not, long term, that would not have benefited me at all.
	I wasn't talking about it benefiting you.
	I was talking about what was best for your daughter.
	And I feel that I've been able to provide for her to the best that I can and she's She isn't missing out on anything at this point.
	Her dad is a part of her life now.
	Come on.
	Don't say that.
	Does she have a father?
	Yes.
	Does she have a father in her life?
	Of course she has a father.
	Don't play games with me.
	Does she have a father in her life?
	Her biological father is in her life, yes.
	He came back into the picture.
	You said he took off.
	He did.
	We were never together after that.
	And he didn't speak to me until I was five months into my pregnancy.
	And then he came back.
	He was already dating somebody else.
	But he came back into the picture and said he wanted to be in her life.
	So, yes.
	When you were five months pregnant?
	When I was five months pregnant.
	And he is in her life.
	Does he split custody with you?
	Does he pay half the bills?
	Is that the arrangement?
	He does provide for her financially, and he does see her every weekend.
	But she doesn't have a live-in father.
	Does he provide half her upkeep?
	I mean, I wouldn't say half by any means, no, but he does pay me support.
	And how much support does he pay?
	He pays a little over $400 a month.
	Right.
	And he takes her every weekend, is that right?
	Yes, he has her every Saturday and then every other weekend he gets her Saturday to Sunday.
	Okay.
	So, I mean, she doesn't get to see a functioning, successful marriage or partnership between two parents.
	And she has to have, of course, two places to live.
	And she doesn't have a live-in father to provide her guidance and all that.
	It's good.
	Obviously, it's better than if he'd just taken off, he'd never hurt him again.
	Correct.
	And I agree with you on that.
	It's not as good as it could have been if you'd chosen the right man at the right time, right?
	Correct.
	I agree.
	And is he handsome too?
	Yes, he is.
	All right.
	So you still don't know why you had the baby?
	I would say in that moment I really wanted more with him and I guess I envisioned Him being together as a family.
	So you wanted to trap him with a baby?
	I did not want to trap him.
	I honestly did not know he was going to react the way he reacted.
	He was so good.
	No, no, no.
	Because you didn't ask him if he wanted to be a father.
	Yeah, you're right.
	So you wanted to stay with him, you wanted to be a family, and you didn't feel that you were able to achieve that with your personality, so you lassoed him with some fallopian tubes, right?
	I don't...
	I think you're wording it not how it...
	or portraying it how it was.
	It wasn't...
	It wasn't that at all.
	He had a lot of issues growing up.
	His father has never been a part of his life.
	It just wasn't what I thought it was going to be.
	To this day, if I never got pregnant, we would never be together.
	I know that for sure.
	You would have broken up?
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, we would not be together even if I got pregnant or not.
	Right.
	The boyfriend that you broke up with last year, did he ever ask you these questions?
	No.
	Of course, he's not going to get into any type of child situation when he had a child he didn't even tell me about.
	Right.
	So this is a good way to know if someone is hiding something, is do they ask you obvious questions?
	Yeah, he never...
	I mean, the biggest thing with him and I, who I broke up with last year, is that I never felt he took the time to want to get to know my daughter.
	But yet he was so...
	Gentle and fatherly to his other daughter because he has two daughters, one's seven and one's five.
	And so his five-year-old daughter he has a relationship with.
	And just seeing him with her, I just didn't understand why he didn't want to be a part of his other daughter's life.
	And I think it all stems with why he didn't want to...
	Really get to know my daughter because he...
	How is he going to get to know somebody else's daughter when he hasn't even gotten the chance to get to know his own?
	And do you know why he doesn't have a relationship with your neighbor's daughter?
	He told me...
	Well, they were never together.
	They were just sleeping together.
	I've actually talked to her as well.
	And she got pregnant.
	She was...
	Basically, she cheated on her boyfriend that she had with Derek, and when she found out she was pregnant, at the time, she didn't know if it was Derek's baby or Nate's baby, so they had to take a paternity test, and then it came out that it was Derek's,
	and then She, he obviously did not want her to have the baby, and she went ahead and had the baby and told him, you know, you're not, you don't need to be a part of this child's life.
	I have a man who's going to be here for me, blah, blah, blah.
	And so at that point, he was like, fine, if you're telling me now that you don't want me to be a part of this child's life, then I won't.
	And now, seven years later, you know...
	Wait, hang on.
	So, your ex-boyfriend was screwing a woman who was having another guy's sperm swimming around and she didn't even know whose kid it was?
	Yeah.
	And when did you find that out?
	I guess after you found out that your neighbor's kid was the daughter?
	Yeah, I didn't know any of this until...
	What was it?
	It was like October, either October or November of last year, when I finally, all the little pieces came together, and I confronted him about it, and he didn't lie.
	I mean, he was like, yeah, you're right, I know her, and yes, Maddie is my daughter, and then he told me, you know, why he's never been a part of her life, and his family has a relationship with her, but he just doesn't.
	And what about the mother of the child he has a relationship with?
	What's the story there?
	They were together for, what, like five years?
	And she got pregnant, I think it was like right around the time the whole court stuff was going on with the paternity test or stuff with his older daughter.
	But they haven't been together since...
	Wait, wait, wait a sec.
	Wait a second here.
	Hang on.
	So his girlfriend got pregnant when he was enmeshed in a paternity battle or a paternity question with the other woman, your neighbor, right?
	I believe that's the timeline of it, how it all happened.
	So he might have left to go be with his daughter, so then she decides, well, I'll get pregnant in order to keep him around.
	That was kind of my way of looking at it, and I've asked him about that, but he says that's not...
	What happened?
	Right.
	And I hope to the men who are listening, listen hard, listen openly.
	This is how things occur sometimes.
	All right.
	Okay, so he's out of your life now, this guy, right?
	Well, we haven't had sex since the middle, no, the beginning of July.
	And I hadn't seen him.
	Wait, sorry, hang on.
	You broke up last August, if I remember rightly.
	Yeah.
	And we continued to be physical since then.
	Yeah, you said this, like, the other thing, too.
	I don't know if it's a generational thing, but you were saying, well, they weren't together, they were just having sex.
	Well, I guess they weren't in a committed relationship.
	Yeah, it is.
	If you're having sex, you're playing with the baby-making machinery.
	Yeah.
	You know, you are together in a way that is...
	I mean, unless it's super-protected sex, right?
	But if you're having sex, you are...
	Playing with the baby bombs, and they're going to go off sooner or later, particularly if the woman has low self-esteem or is insecure and wants to hang on to a man who's drifting, then she throws the baby noose at him, and then he basically stays or has to, or she can go after him with lawyers and so on, right?
	So this dissociation of sex from relationship, to me, it's kind of chilling.
	And...
	So, you haven't had sex since last month, is that right?
	Yeah, since the beginning of July.
	And this is where, I mean, now, I've been seeing a counselor since the end of June, middle of June, and I've learned a lot in that process.
	And it just sucked because he was able to go out and have sex.
	He's had sex with three other women while him and I have been having sex.
	So since last August, he's had sex with three other women?
	Yes, that I know of.
	Are you having sex with condoms now?
	No, we hadn't.
	So, is your next plan to just get some crotch-rotting, sexually transmitted disease?
	Is that the next plan?
	No.
	Because you know that's likely, right?
	Yes, I do.
	Yeah.
	Have you been tested for STDs?
	Yes.
	Okay.
	Well...
	He's out there sleeping with other women.
	Those women are out there sleeping with other women and other men and I don't know what, circus elephants or whatever the hell goes on in this part of the world.
	But, alright.
	So, your daughter still sees him around?
	Does she see him as your fuck buddy?
	Is that what she's being exposed to?
	No, she hasn't.
	She's not.
	We don't, since we like officially, like when we broke up The last time the girls had seen each other, his daughter and my daughter, was December.
	And she doesn't, no, I don't expose her to him like that.
	We would meet at the gym to work out, but it was in a public, you know, open area.
	Okay, so I guess you see the man when your daughter is at your ex-boyfriend's place?
	Yeah, or if she's asleep, he had come over and she goes to bed.
	Oh, so like total late-night booty call, right?
	Exactly.
	And when she asks you what you do this weekend, you don't say, I had so-and-so over or anything, right?
	No.
	So you have to lie to your daughter, right?
	Yes.
	I don't understand why this is funny.
	Like, we're just talking about lying to your daughter?
	No, I don't think it's funny.
	You do, because you put these little giggles in from time to time.
	I've sort of let them slide for a while.
	But you put these giggles in from time to time.
	Like, this is kind of like a joke or funny.
	No, I don't think it's a joke.
	That's why I called into your show.
	That's why I've been seeking a therapist.
	Because...
	I need to figure out why I've continued down this path and this cycle of choosing these men and getting myself in these situations where I don't want, this is not the person I want my daughter to see or think that this is okay, this behavior for her.
	And it scares me to think that she's six years old, she's a very bright child and I want it to end.
	I want to become a better person, a better mom.
	What was that?
	What do you want to end?
	You said you want it to end.
	I just want to make sure I know what you mean by that.
	What do you want to end?
	I want to end putting myself in positions to where I'm being hurt and I'm not being a good role model to my daughter and I'm not doing myself any favors emotionally By doing this, by putting myself in these situations with men, I guess.
	So you want to choose better men?
	Is that right?
	Yes, I do.
	Okay.
	The first thing to recognize is that the top tier of men are unavailable to you because you have a child and because you have a significant deficit in self-knowledge.
	Like what is my self-knowledge?
	That I don't know who I am?
	You don't know why you have a child.
	The single biggest decision you have made as an adult is to have unprotected sex with a man you've never even talked about becoming a parent with.
	And you don't know why you did that.
	There's a reason.
	I don't know what it is.
	You don't know what it is.
	But the single biggest...
	I mean, look, having a kid is the biggest decision you ever made in your life, right?
	Yeah.
	And you made that decision disastrously, right?
	Yes, I did.
	It was the wrong time, wrong guy, wrong circumstances.
	There's nothing that could have gone worse in many ways, right?
	Yeah.
	So...
	The biggest decision in your life was barely even a decision.
	It was just a drifting towards inevitable disaster.
	The biggest decision in your life was a complete disaster, and you have no idea why.
	And that indicates to any man of any distinction, or any person, if you want a female friend, any person of any distinction, that you are a dangerous person to be around.
	Because you lack self-knowledge.
	And because you lack self-knowledge and even the curiosity.
	I'm glad you're working with a therapist now and hopefully that curiosity will grow.
	But it means that you are not going to be stable and predictable and wise in your decision making.
	I guarantee you, Kristen, if you went back to the beginning of when you met this boyfriend slash Guy who's not really a father slash fuck buddy in the middle of the night.
	If you went back to the beginning of your relationship with this guy, when you first met him, I guarantee you that there would have been about 30 or 40 warning signs in the first 20 minutes.
	Yeah, there was.
	I mean, I'll be honest with you.
	There was a lot of warning signs from the start.
	Tell me the warning signs.
	Tell me the top three.
	Uh, well, he told me he had a vehicle and that every time I would end up having to drive.
	And then probably two to three weeks into, or it may have been longer than that, it might have been like a month.
	Yeah, about two months.
	Come to find out he has a suspended license from a DUI. He isn't allowed to even drive so he never even had a car and he lied to me and told me his car was in the shop and all these other lies.
	What about the very first time you met?
	The very first time you met?
	Well, we met on the internet.
	The very first time we met in person was on Christmas Day, and I went to his house.
	I thought you said you didn't meet his family.
	I didn't meet...
	Oh, what did you say?
	I thought you said that you didn't meet his family.
	Was his family not over on Christmas Day?
	No, that would have been another red flag.
	He wasn't with his family on Christmas.
	I had already celebrated Christmas with my family, and my daughter was with her father, and then he invited me to come over, so I went over to his house.
	So Christmas Day, he's got no family or friends over, right?
	Correct.
	And that's the first day you met?
	Yes.
	Now, you're smiling again, right?
	No, I'm not.
	I'm just sitting here.
	Now, did he explain to you why it was Christmas and he had no one over?
	He said...
	He just didn't want to be around his family.
	Did he say why?
	No.
	Okay.
	So when a guy asks you over on Christmas Day and his house is empty...
	He's testing you to see whether you can spot crazy when it's like a fucking searchlight in your face, Kristen.
	That is a very bizarre thing to do.
	Come to my house on Christmas Day, the most friends and family oriented day of the entire year.
	And no one's going to be over except you.
	And I'm not going to tell you why.
	That's some crazy shit right there. .
	And as far as confrontation goes, you don't need to be confrontational.
	This is the great secret in life.
	Confrontations are a red herring.
	People basically say, Sorry, let me interrupt.
	Somebody has said here, I've been alone many Christmases, says someone in the chat room.
	I feel bad now.
	No.
	No.
	The point is not that he was alone at Christmas.
	Being alone at Christmas might have been the healthiest thing for him.
	Maybe he has some terrible Charles Manson-style family.
	I'm not saying that being alone on Christmas is a bad thing.
	But if I invite a woman over to my house on Christmas Day...
	I need to be cognizant of her expectations.
	Kristen, were you surprised that he invited you to his house on Christmas Day and that there was going to be nobody else there?
	I guess I was surprised that he...
	Yes, because we had only communicated via text messages for...
	Like three weeks prior to that.
	So when he was like, do you want to come over?
	I was kind of shocked at first because I'm like, it's Christmas and my family is a big part of my life.
	And he knew that, right?
	I assume.
	I assume you talked to him after three weeks of texting or chatting or whatever you've been doing.
	Yes.
	So the point is that it's a weird thing to do to invite someone over to your house for the first time you're ever going to meet them on Christmas Day and not prepare them and say, listen, I know that Christmas is a big family time, I know, but here's what's going on with my family.
	I know it might be a bit weird.
	I'd really appreciate your company.
	We'll talk about it.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	I don't remember if he had already been to his family's house or he was planning on going and then I came over and he didn't go.
	It's a weird day for a first date, would you agree?
	It really was weird.
	Looking back, yes, it was weird.
	Right.
	So, you don't need to be confrontational.
	People make this mistake about confrontational.
	And they basically say, I have a crazy person in my life.
	How do I establish boundaries?
	You don't.
	Because they're crazy.
	Right?
	I have someone in my life who doesn't respect boundaries, who's inappropriate, who is needy, who is hyper-judgmental, who is narcissistic, who is a taker.
	How do I manage that?
	You don't.
	Right?
	You don't.
	You ask the questions that keep these people out of your life to begin with.
	Mike, you've known me for a while now.
	How many crazy people am I managing in my life?
	Zero.
	Big fat goose egg.
	Big fat goose egg.
	How discriminating?
	How many resumes did we go through?
	How many people did we talk to before we hired the God-given, glorious Stoyan?
	Oh, I've gotten an absurd amount of emails.
	I can even put a number on it, hundreds.
	Hundreds and hundreds of people that have wanted to work for the show.
	Right.
	So, sanity is not about confrontation.
	It's about filtering.
	Having a stable and happy life is about saying no to To crazy people, not inviting them in and then hoping that confrontations are somehow going to make them sane, right?
	You can say heal to a well-trained dog.
	You cannot say heal to a mountain lion that's never seen a human being before.
	It is all about the filtering.
	A peaceful, calm, happy, stable life is all about the filtering.
	If you had asked your boyfriend whether he wanted to have children, if you had looked up the rhythm method, right, you wouldn't have had those children, that child, sorry, your daughter.
	It's all about the filtering.
	If this guy had invited you over on Christmas Day, and I guarantee you, if you look at those text messages, there's crazy shit all over there.
	And one of the ways you know crazy shit is going on is, I bet you there was a huge amount of sexual flirtation from the beginning, right?
	Yeah.
	Of course there was.
	Because when people have something to hide, they provoke your hormones.
	When people have shitty personalities, they get your juices flowing so that you replace judgment with lust.
	Lust shuts down your judgment centers.
	It's supposed to, because there's not a lot of people who, when they really think about it, say, now is a great time to have children, right?
	Lust shuts down your reasoning centers.
	And so people who don't want you to think stimulate you with sexual display.
	And again, nothing wrong with sex, nothing wrong with cleavage, nothing wrong with all that kind of stuff that makes people look great.
	But in the hands of bad people, it is the inevitable weapon that gets you to shut down your judgments.
	And this is not even a theory.
	This is biological fact.
	Lust cuts off blood flow to the neofrontal cortex.
	Shut that shit down!
	We're going in!
	Don't disturb the reasoning center.
	We want to make a baby!
	I mean, all babies are basically undercover affairs from the higher reasoning centers.
	Almost all.
	Sorry, you were going to say it?
	I was going to say it's interesting that you bring that up because I've had numerous conversations with him, one of which we spoke last night, and I asked him and I've confronted him about it numerous times as to why he feels the need to go out and find women to have sex with.
	Like, often.
	I mean, to know that he's had sex with three other people and myself since October of last year, or August, or it was, yeah, it was like, yeah, September, August.
	I just, I don't understand that.
	And his answer was, he's thought about that, but he feels he can, he just can't say no sometimes.
	And the reasons why not...
	Yeah.
	Oh, no.
	These women, they have them cornered.
	They unholster their vaginas and they just shoot them through the dick.
	I mean, the poor guy.
	You know, terrible.
	Terrible.
	I mean, that pubic hair is just this giant Velcro wool and his penis is a cannon that shoots him out in a Velcro suit and he lands on that David Letterman sticky stuff and what the hell is he going to do?
	Poor victim.
	Just can't say no.
	Well, and I told him, I said, you don't understand.
	And I hadn't talked to him about this until yesterday.
	I just said, you know...
	By you doing that, you made me feel less of a woman and you really broke me down and like I had this serious like...
	No, he didn't.
	No.
	No, he didn't.
	No, I refuse to accept that he's making you feel that terrible.
	Why do I refuse to accept that, Kristen?
	Because I put myself in that situation?
	You're still there, right?
	That restaurant serves such shitty food.
	I'm going back again tonight and tomorrow night.
	Oh, I hate that restaurant.
	The food there is so terrible.
	Oh, is it open yet?
	I'm going back.
	Give me some money.
	Can't have it both ways, right?
	And that's what I've been struggling with.
	If you're going back, then he can't be, you know, don't go back and grind his balls.
	If you're going back, then it's a net positive for you.
	Well...
	That's what I'm struggling with is because I was the one...
	Yep, she just dropped off.
	Let me get her back.
	You can't fundamentally criticize people you're having sex with because you're having sex with them, right?
	So when he's having sex with you, I mean, I assume he's bigger than you because most guys are bigger than most women, right?
	He's basically got you pinned down on a bed or up against a wall or hanging off a shower head or something like that, right?
	But he's thrusting in and out of you.
	He's got you in an intensely vulnerable position.
	He might have an STD, but you're trusting that he doesn't.
	He might hurt you, but you're trusting that he doesn't.
	He might be filming you from a webcam and uploading it to the internet, but you're trusting that he doesn't.
	So putting yourself in the vulnerable position of being sexed up by a big man means that you already trust him a huge amount and to a huge degree.
	And then to come out and say, well, you make me feel bad, I don't trust you, this and that and the other.
	Well, it's, you know, if you eat at the restaurant, you like the food.
	Or you're a masochist, right?
	So this is my question.
	I have struggled with, do I just stop all communication with him and just end it?
	Or is there a chance that we can just remain friends?
	Remain friends?
	What are you talking about?
	What about this guy is even likable?
	What are you talking about?
	He lies?
	He lied from the beginning.
	He lied about having a car.
	He lied about not having a child.
	He lied about even having a child.
	I mean, he's a liar.
	Do you want to be friends with a liar?
	I'm not saying that's all he is, but he's lied a lot, right?
	Yeah.
	You know, listen, you have to be honest with yourself.
	You have to be honest with me.
	That's the price of admission to this conversation.
	You don't want to remain friends.
	Women never want to remain friends, and men never want to remain friends.
	You want to have a fuck buddy for when you're horny, and you want to dangle sex in front of him until he becomes a better person, right?
	True, yeah.
	Of course it is, right?
	You know how you whittle something, you take a stick and you whittle it down into a beautiful carving?
	It's like, I will turn my vagina into a lathe and shave him down to be a better person.
	Right?
	No.
	Okay.
	Would you want your daughter to marry someone exactly like him?
	No.
	Not at all.
	Why not?
	Because I want her to be with somebody who loves her and treats her right and treats her like a queen, like she needs to be treated.
	Somebody who fulfills her and compliments her and Yeah, those are all the things I hope she finds.
	then why is that only for her, Kristen?
	Why does she only deserve that?
	Why not you?
	I guess because I feel I have no guys ever Made me feel that way, so I continue just to put myself and play the victim when I need to figure out why I continue to do that.
	Continue to do what?
	Find guys who treat me like crap.
	I put myself in those situations, those relationships.
	Right.
	And if you continue to do that, the odds are that she will end up with a guy exactly like this guy.
	You're right, and that's why I'm taking the steps now to seek out different things in men.
	Things that I want her, I want a father in her life That's going to be the type of guy she will end up with as well.
	The likelihood of that, at the moment, is low.
	And it doesn't mean non-existent, but it's low.
	But that doesn't mean you can't aim for a hell of a lot better than what you've got right now.
	What you have is a man-child, right?
	Yeah.
	Children lie that way, right?
	You see them, they...
	Standing by a vase that's in pieces at their feet, it wasn't me, right?
	It's all obvious, right?
	He's like a man-child, and most times it's children having children, and you and your ex-boyfriend were as irresponsible with your baby-making machinery parts as children are, with toys they don't care for much.
	So you're in a corner, and it's going to be very hard for you to attract a quality man.
	Not impossible, but very hard.
	But you have to recognize that you already have a hole called a daughter who has been exposed in her most formative years to not quality men, right?
	Yeah.
	Derek was in my daughter's six years of living.
	Derek was...
	The only guy who I was seriously involved with that was a part of her life to the extent that he was.
	Other than that, I didn't expose her to...
	And this was the ex-boyfriend?
	The one from last year?
	That she was having sex with up to last month?
	Correct.
	Right.
	So if you stop seeing him, and she's going to say, why do you stop seeing him?
	And what are you going to say?
	I told her that we broke up and that we're just friends.
	And...
	Why did you break up?
	What did you say?
	If she asked why I broke up?
	Yeah.
	Or you're asking me why Derek and I broke up?
	No, I know why you broke up, or whatever you want to call it.
	But...
	She has asked me why...
	When your daughter says, why don't I see Derek anymore?
	What are you going to say?
	I tell her that we're...
	We're just friends.
	I told her that.
	No, no.
	If you stop seeing him...
	Listen to what I'm saying.
	If you stop seeing him completely, which is your choice, of course, if you do that, she's going to say, why haven't I seen Derek?
	And you should be proactive, right?
	I would say.
	But let's say you wait.
	What would you say?
	That Derek and I are no longer together.
	And...
	We're not friends anymore.
	So why?
	We broke up.
	But why, mommy?
	Because sometimes people are meant to be together and sometimes...
	No, no, no.
	See, you're lying to your daughter again.
	You have to have a commitment of honesty if you want honest people in your life.
	You have this excuse called, I'll just lie to my daughter.
	Not acceptable.
	Have a commitment to honesty.
	You can't demand more honesty from Derek than you're willing to provide to your daughter.
	Don't have this back door called, well, people just aren't sometimes meant to be together, and I guess Jesus and Krishna didn't want it, so there we go.
	That's a lie.
	I don't mean you have to give her all the gory details, but don't have this soft excuse back door called, well, I'll just bullshit her.
	Okay, so she's six years old.
	So I guess I don't know how in-depth I go with a six-year-old as to why Derek and I aren't together.
	Well, you always have the option of saying, I'll tell you when you get older.
	Okay.
	But there are ways to explain complex adult things to six-year-olds.
	I mean, she's six.
	She's not retarded.
	So, I mean, I would say something like, well...
	Mommy made a really bad decision.
	I kissed a man who was a liar and you know what's even worse than that is that I knew he was a liar from the very beginning but I thought he was so pretty and I liked kissing him and I decided to kiss him and lo and behold you know what happened he just turned out to be as big a liar at the end As he was at the beginning,
	I'm really sorry that I exposed you to someone or brought someone into your life, into this house, who was a liar, who was not trustworthy.
	I'm sorry that, I mean, you thought that he was pretty.
	Yes, he was pretty.
	Yeah, he was a good looking guy.
	And this is a big lesson.
	It's a big lesson for me.
	Hopefully it's a lesson for you, which is that if you forget what people are like on the inside and you only care what they look like on the outside, your heart goes through a juicer.
	That is something that she can respect you for.
	And that is something which will give her a warning shot.
	And then, do you know what?
	I'm not saying she becomes your best friend, but she also then is aware of your weakness.
	And if you ever start getting involved with the pretty guy again, she might just say, Mommy.
	Mommy.
	You remember your weakness, right?
	I tell my daughter, I have a sweet tooth.
	Ooh, daddy loves him the sugar.
	She will take sugar out of my hands.
	Daddy, remember?
	You have a sweet tooth, right?
	And it's not like that's her job.
	But when you're honest with people in your life about your weaknesses, that helps them to be on your side.
	Mike, you heard that today, right?
	Yeah, there was a moment I was having a conversation with Steph, and I guess he was eating Cheetos or something.
	And Isabella chimed in and said, Daddy, that's enough!
	Yeah, that is enough.
	And honestly, to be fair, just because I have the both exercise, drinking water from plastic bottles and Food, Nazis all over me.
	I have Cheetos like maybe two bags a year.
	And I actually bought it.
	It doesn't really matter.
	Anyway, but she's right.
	I'd had a couple of mouthfuls of Cheetos and that was more than enough.
	And she told me, hey, right?
	So you have...
	I'm just sort of trying to point this out.
	And I'm not trying to be mean to you.
	I'm really trying to give you some powerful tools for having honest people in your life.
	You have a default position that you can get back to where you can get away from bad decisions by lying to people, by lying to your daughter, right?
	If you tell your daughter, look, I made a really big mistake and looking back on it, it's Really bad that I made that mistake because I actually saw this from the beginning.
	But blinded by the abs, I was.
	And that's my fault and my responsibility.
	Do you get how that is really helping your daughter rather than creating a hallmarked card mysteriously got torn in two by the fates?
	Yeah, no, it makes perfect sense.
	And I need to have that conversation with her when she asks me.
	No, you need to have this conversation with her because a guy now is not, if you stop seeing him, which, I mean, what you have without sex is a mystery to me, but if you stop seeing him, you need to have that conversation with her.
	This guy, this guy is not coming around anymore because mommy finally pulled her head out of her own ass and stopped looking at him as a pinup doll and started looking at him as a black-souled liar, right?
	Or whatever.
	I mean, you know what I mean.
	But you need to be proactive.
	And you need to admit to your child when you've made a mistake.
	And you didn't want to model this for your daughter.
	You didn't want a liar in your daughter's life.
	Right?
	And you don't want your daughter to see another failed relationship, right?
	Correct.
	I don't.
	Right.
	So...
	If you try and hide it or bury it or lie to your daughter, he moved, right?
	You're setting yourself up for the next one.
	If you have the painful conversation with your daughter where you admit fault and mistakes and self-deception and all of that, well, I think that you will be a lot less likely to repeat.
	Whatever we cover up, right?
	We repeat.
	But you have to have a commitment to honesty in your life.
	To everyone.
	Particularly to your daughter who's not there by choice.
	I'm not saying she doesn't want to be with you.
	My daughter is not here by choice either.
	But you have to have that commitment to honesty.
	All confrontation is just honesty.
	Tell me when he said, come to my house on Christmas Day, you didn't feel a little like, huh?
	I did, but I... All confrontation is Christmas?
	Why?
	Really?
	Tell me more.
	Is that confrontational?
	No.
	Yeah, I need to ask more questions, and that's one thing I don't do.
	I just go along with it.
	Yeah.
	Do you want to have children, oh boyfriend of mine?
	That's a question.
	Does the rhythm method work?
	That's another question.
	Why are you inviting me to an empty house on Christmas Day?
	That's another question, right?
	Why are you presenting yourself in a sexually suggestive manner?
	Do you do that at all?
	Do you dress up the acids?
	Do you take the ladies out for a little sunlight?
	No, I'm probably...
	Super conservative.
	And this is another...
	Derek would always bring it up to me and say that...
	Because in the last three years, I've lost probably 70 pounds just by working out and changing my eating habits.
	And he told me, he goes, Kristen, the outside doesn't match the inside.
	Like, he goes, you don't understand your confidence level of how you look versus what you think you look like don't match at all.
	And it's true.
	I don't...
	So he's saying you should be as confident as you look.
	In other words, your looks should dictate your confidence, not your virtues.
	Oh my God, this guy's a piece of work.
	All right.
	So it's about the filtering.
	You don't fight the vampires in your house, right?
	Because vampires have to be invited in, right?
	You know that old myth about vampires.
	They can't get into your house unless you invite them in, right?
	Yes.
	And you just don't invite all these vampires into your house and then say, how do I... Right?
	How do I change them?
	I'm sorry?
	I said yes.
	Like, if I invite them in, then I'm always like, how do I change them or get rid of them?
	But it's already too late at that point.
	It is too late at that point.
	And go back over those text messages.
	I'm sure you've got them somewhere.
	Go over those text messages.
	When you look at it without lust, right?
	That's an old line.
	From an old sitcom called WKRP in Cincinnati, where a guy's like, oh, I need to come stay with this really good looking guy.
	And he's like, oh, you can't.
	I already have someone staying with me.
	And he's like, really?
	Who?
	Like, oh, you know, an elderly Asian gentleman, right?
	Which is, you know, complete opposite of the truth, I'm sure.
	But think of the elderly Asian gentleman.
	Pretend that it's not some good-looking guy who's sending you these text messages, but an elderly Asian gentleman.
	Short-circuit the lust-o-matic, pneumatic machinery, right?
	And look back at this stuff, and if you take away the haze of lust, a lot of this stuff just looks kind of creepy.
	Yeah.
	So, you know, meet a new guy?
	Filter, filter, filter.
	Like, what questions is he asking you about your life and your family and your childhood and how you are as a mom and how you parent and blah, blah, blah, blah, right?
	That is all of the things that need to be in a conversation.
	But the conversation starts with looks and lust.
	I mean, you know.
	You know where that's going to go, right?
	Yes, I do.
	And Congratulations on doing the therapy.
	I think that's a great idea.
	How was the conversation?
	How was the what?
	How was the conversation for you?
	It was good.
	You really have me thinking of things about me and my life.
	Good.
	Good.
	Yeah, I mean, look, the reality is this guy is not going to change unless he embarks on a conscious situation.
	A dedicated program of change.
	He's not going to change because you're good and bad.
	He's not going to change because you want him to.
	He's not going to change because you're a great person and he'd be better for it.
	These all may be true.
	But he's not going to change.
	I mean, you know what it's like.
	If you don't even admit you're fat, you're never going to lose weight.
	And even if you do admit you're fat, it's really hard to lose weight.
	And even if you do lose weight, it's really hard to keep it off.
	You have to change your lifestyle.
	You said by changing, you go to the gym and you change what you eat.
	So, if this fellow is not embarking on a significant process of life change, he is not going to change.
	He is not going to change.
	Expecting someone to change without effort is like expecting your nose to change without effort.
	Plastic surgery.
	It's not going to happen.
	Boobs change.
	Arse hangs.
	I basically am just a pair of forward and backward drapes these days.
	But personality does not change without significant amounts of work on the part of the person who has the personality.
	And the first thing is to admit there are huge problems.
	And the second is to hugely commit to change.
	And if this guy wants to call in, of course, he's welcome.
	You say he's going to listen.
	So Derek, call on in.
	I'm always happy to hear both sides.
	But, dude, you've got to stop being patient zero for whatever next Ebola crash outbreak is going to occur in that general vicinity.
	But we will talk about that if he ever calls in.
	So thank you very much.
	Do give us a chance.
	Let us know how it's going as things go along.
	And I really do appreciate you calling in about this topic.
	Thank you for your time.
	Thank you very much.
	Really appreciate it.
	Alright.
	I know.
	Three callers.
	Not too bad.
	How many do we have scheduled, Mike?
	We had four.
	Yeah, well, sorry.
	It's a bit late now.
	Plus, I've got another show to do, I guess, tonight even, now that we're past midnight.
	So, sorry.
	I know for the fourth person, I'm hugely apologetic.
	Can that person go first tonight?
	Absolutely.
	We'll find out.
	We'll find out.
	But they should.
	And I'm sorry.
	We scheduled the call to pick up some of the remainders.
	And I'm like, first two callers, I'm like, oh yeah, baby!
	Could get to bed by midnight.
	But it was not to be.
	But thanks, everyone, so much for calling in.
	Thanks to the great listeners and people who really do open up their hearts.
	It's amazingly helpful to everyone else.
	There's so much that is visible in honest and open conversations.
	And...
	I hugely appreciate it.
	If you want to help out the show, FDRURL.com slash donate.
	We have storage fees coming up for our CDN server, which is basically we have an array of servers around the world that serve up the podcasts.
	It's expensive, but it's necessary.
	We paid and we've gone over so much, we've got a $7,000 bill coming in.
	We've also decided to switch to SSD drive technology because otherwise it used to take up to an hour to propagate the podcasts between the different servers.
	This makes it much faster.
	There's a variety of other improvements.
	Because we did 750,000 YouTube views just last week, even more podcasts.
	I mean, it's great that it's growing, but it sure is expensive that it's growing, and we really can't get around these costs with this level of demand for the show.
	So thank you to everyone who's helped support the show in the past.
	We really need your help to get over this next hump.
	And this is all problems that we want to be having, but we really need your support to help cover all these costs.
	And going back on Rogan, which I'm looking forward to, and I don't think we've got anything else coming up.
	We've got a couple of speaking gigs that we're negotiating about, but that's still up in the air.
	So thanks, everyone.
	Is there anything else you wanted to add, Mike?
	No, I think that's it.
	Everyone have a great night and we'll talk to you tomorrow.
	That would be tonight.

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