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May 23, 2009 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
26:49
1365 Living in the Moment
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Good afternoon, everybody.
Hope you're doing well. This is less of a philosophy cast and more of a good old quality of life cast.
I'm trying to share with you some of the thoughts about the quality of life that I have been working with over the past...
A little while, and see if they're of interest to you.
They've certainly been very helpful and important to me in terms of quality of life and happiness goes, so I thought I would share them and see what you think.
So... I've always been sort of surprised, although I really shouldn't be, and I guess none of us should be, but I still actually am.
I'm surprised about these things that occur in life, like these sort of major big changes.
And I think it's really important to be alert and aware to the kind of changes that are occurring in your life, so that you don't continue to sort of pedal the bicycle after the bicycle has...
after you no longer need it, or after you're off the bicycle, you want to stop making those bicycling motions.
A metaphor drawn directly from observation of my daughter's legs.
We're actually just giving mummy some quiet time to wash her hair and do other mysterious girly things like painting and talons and stuff.
We're going for a nice walk in the woods.
It's a beautiful day up here in Canada.
It is, I guess, less than a week to the barbecue and I look forward to meeting you all.
We all look forward to meeting you all.
And One of the things that...
Okay, let me give you the basic issue that I've been trying to deal with, and I'll tell you how I've approached it.
The issue that I've been trying to deal with is living in the next moment, not living in this moment, not living where I am.
Living in the next thing, the next moment, the next to-do.
So, a sort of typical example would be...
I take Isabella a little more later at night, Christina takes her earlier in the morning.
So, I wake up.
I check the time, and I'm like, oh, I should get up and go and relieve Christina in case she needs to whatever, whatever, right?
So then I get up, and I'm sort of in a rush to brush my teeth and morning prayers, ablutions, and so on.
And then I do all of that, and I come down, and I take Isabella.
And, you know, we'll play and so on, but maybe she needs to feed, or maybe she needs a change.
So then I'm like, oh, I should stop playing with her so I can go.
And change Isabella. And then after spending some time with Isabella, I'm like, oh, I'd really like to reconnect with Christina.
So then I'll go to reconnect with Christina, and then we'll double chat about X, Y, and Z. Unfortunately, catastrophically dull.
It's mostly parental stuff these days, as you can imagine.
Because Isabella's constantly changing.
And then I'm like, oh man, I need to do some FDR work.
So I'll go and, oh, can you take Isabella so I can do a video or a podcast or whatever?
And so then I'll do that, right?
And then when I'm finished recording the video or the podcast, I'm like, oh man, I really should compile this, upload it, add it to the feed.
And I have to redo the audio almost always because the audio is usually not as high quality when it comes through the The video, and there are technical challenges with doing separate recordings, and then merging them, because there's sync issues and so on, so...
Hi.
And so then, I'm like, oh, but then I feel like I need to rush, right?
So I need to do the video or the podcast.
I feel like I need to rush, right?
So I'm like... And the problem with doing this stuff is that everything takes 10 minutes.
And ten minutes is that kind of slice of time, that's really annoying, right?
Because you have to...
It's not long enough to actually come back, but it's...
It's too long to just sit there and look at the computer, right?
60 seconds, who cares, right?
So then I'm like, okay, well, while this is compiling, I'll answer some emails.
I will check the board, maybe drop into the chatroom and say hi while this is all going on.
And so I'll do that.
But at the same time, there's a sort of growing feeling that I kind of need to get this done, right?
And get to, yes, you guessed it, the next thing, right?
And I'm sure you can get this series of dominoes that is my day, and it ends with, because I'm a night owl, it ends with me saying, gosh, I really should get to bed, but I'm not tired, right? So I should try to stretch or whatever, meditate, try to relax that way, and so on.
So, oh dear...
The bridge has collapsed. The bridge has collapsed.
So we were going to go for a nice long walk in the woods, but the bridge, for those who visited, oh, that's quite exciting.
It has collapsed, which probably means no crossing for many, many, many moons, because it's the government, right?
So when will it be fixed?
No real time in particular.
Well, that's a bummer, because that's actually our nice walk.
Anyway, so this is my day, and the challenge is this feeling that I should really be getting to the next thing, that I want to get this thing finished and get to the next thing.
And then when I get that, I have a short period of time in the next thing, and then I feel I should be getting the next thing done.
And so my day sort of feels like, you know, if you have to, let's use a metaphor from my immediate surroundings, if you have to cross a river...
And you have these stones, right?
You step on a stone and each stone starts to sink.
So you sort of can't stop and slow down.
You've just got to keep stepping over the stones to get to the next thing, to get to the next thing, to get to the next thing.
And that has sort of become my day.
And it's not...
As satisfying as it could be.
I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a good life, and in some ways it's even a great life, in many ways.
But this feeling of having to get to the next thing, having to get to the next thing, always being in a little bit of a rush, is, I don't think, particularly great.
And that is a real challenge.
So... The question for me is, if that's the case, what do I do about it?
How do I deal with this problem of always having to rush to the next thing?
And the ways that I have tried to sort of understand it, there's sort of two major ways.
I'll go through the simpler one, and then I'll go through the more complex one, and they really, really helped me with this.
To sort of sink into, like a hippo into the mud, the serenity of the moment, or even the excitement of the moment, but not to having my brain constantly taking my attention like a fly fisherman whipping it into the airy water of the future.
The first is a very simple thing, which is shockingly simple, but very helpful, which is to simply say to myself, now I am doing X. Now I am doing X. So now I am doing the dishes.
Now I am weeding the garden.
Now I am doing a podcast.
Now I am doing this.
And what it does is it really helps my mind to focus on this thing that I'm doing, which...
It should be easy, but it's shockingly not easy.
It just really helped me to focus on what it is that I am doing in the moment.
Now I am doing X. Not, I'm trying to get X out of the way to get to Y and Z and A and B. But rather, I am doing X. Now I am doing X. Again, it sounds weird.
It sounds like it should be really easy.
And it is an easy thing to say, and it has really helped me to say it.
But it is not a very easy thing to remind myself to do.
So that is something I'd really suggest as being very, very helpful in this sort of arena.
My goodness, it's beautiful. You can hear the birds, the distant crying of the cawing children.
It's great. It's very interesting.
Isabella does not want to hold my hands when she's outside.
She really likes feeling the breeze and all of that.
So, reminding myself, now I am walking with Isabella.
Now I am talking with you.
Now I am compiling the video.
Again, it sounds ridiculous, but it is really, really helpful to remind myself that I'm doing something now.
I am not... You know, the moment is not something to be...
The moment that I live in is not something to be moved aside, like a boulder blocking a doorway.
Or the Mine of Moria, right?
It's not something to be moved aside.
It is not an obstacle to be eliminated.
Because, as I've found, and perhaps you've found as well, when you view the present as an obstacle to be eliminated, whatever you're doing now is an obstacle to be eliminated to get to the next thing, the problem is that life, for me, becomes more or less a series of boulders to be moved, right? It's like you pack and take a flight in order to get to your destination.
And then, when you get to your destination, you unpack so that you can get to the beach.
And then when you get to the beach, you put your sunscreen on and get your towel out so that you can lie down.
And then when you lie down, you start to get hungry.
And then you see that everything is just about the next thing and not about the moment.
And I just really, really don't want my life To become a series of obstacles to be eliminated.
That does not seem to be a very productive use of...
Sorry, I shouldn't say that.
It actually is quite productive. That's sort of the problem, right?
Because I've really been working on my workaholism over the past...
Month or so, and part of this is to sink into the moment and to not look at things as obstacles to be eliminated, but things to be done and enjoyed, right?
So, I'm doing the dishes could be something that I'm sitting and enjoying doing the dishes.
Another thing that I found to be helpful is less multitasking, right?
So, at least for the time being, I'm not going to do any gym casts unless I've got a real yearning-burning idea.
I am... Not going to listen to audiobooks or music when I'm at the gym, but it'd be now I'm exercising.
Now I'm not distracting myself with music so that I can stand going to exercise, because that means that exercise is a boulder to be removed to gain the objective called health, right?
Which means that I'm just not enjoying the exercising as much, whereas if I say now I'm enjoying the play of the weights and the muscles and the The strain and all that, then that's something that I can really enjoy if I choose.
Or I can not enjoy and view it as something that I need to just get done.
I just don't want my life to be a bunch of chores on a list, you know, that I need to eliminate in order to get to what?
The grave? And I just don't want to look back and say, well, I got a lot of things done.
Didn't really enjoy that much at the moment, but man, I got lots of things ticked off that list.
Because the list is life, right?
As Oscar Schindler says.
So, that's sort of the first thing.
And I would suggest just trying that.
You know, if you're driving to the store, say, now, I am driving to the store.
And it really helps focus your mind on what you're doing right now, not...
What are you going to do at the store? You get to the store, now I'm walking down the grocery aisle.
It sounds silly, but it's really helpful.
So that's the simple aspect of what it is that I've found to be really helpful in terms of enjoying the moment.
The second is, and this may be more personal to me, but I'm going to throw it out there because you're either at this phase, past it, and maybe missed it, or you're going to have this phase at some point in your life.
But one thing that I've found That I've really had to think about over the last month as I've been trying to gear back on my workaholism, you know, this ridiculous thing of putting out seven books in 18 months, you know, and then starting to write a new book within a month of my baby being born.
I mean, crazy nutty stuff, right?
So, in trying to gear back on my workaholism, I've been trying to figure out what major stresses Or stressors I have left in my life?
It's a really interesting question.
And I'll sort of give you some examples of what stressors aren't in my life.
Well, the first is...
I... I mean, let's go back, right?
So when I was a kid, obviously the major stressors were a horrible, difficult and abusive childhood and all this, that and the other, right?
So that was a pretty major stressor.
And then it was...
Okay, well, I went to work up north.
I had to sort of figure all of that stuff out.
And then... I had to figure out going to school, right?
And then I had to figure out, oh, I'm going to drop English and go into theatre school and then go do history.
And then there was a recession, so I had to just take whatever jobs I could and save up money to do my master's.
And then I had to do my master's. I had to sort of decide whether I was going to...
Go on to do my PhD and become an academic.
Thank heavens, that was not a path.
And then I needed money because I was completely broke and actually in debt after my master's, so I had to get a job.
And I didn't want to get just another temp job, so I had to work to get a professional job.
And then I had to work as a COBOL programmer in a high-paced...
High-stress trading floor environment when I didn't know COBOL or the Tandem operating system and so on, right?
And then I started a business with my brother where I was in hock for huge amounts of money and we really had to make payroll and we had to deliver product and make sales.
All of these things, just stress, stress, stress, right?
And that's just, you know, I guess you could say career or professional life.
Personal life, I was writing books, striving to get published.
I was involved in relationships, trying to make them work, and they weren't working, and there was all the stresses associated with that, and just all of this stress.
And I was, of course, I was in the business world, but I was in the business world partly As a means to an end of getting into the art world.
Because I wanted to be, you know, if somebody had said, what do you want to be the most, I'd be like, a novelist, right?
I mean, that was my deal.
I was certainly interested in writing nonfiction, but it was really novel writing.
Oh, the belly is asleep.
Not quite. It was really novel writing that was the thing that drove me the most.
So I was trying to get published, I was trying to find agents, and so on, right?
And then involved in business takeovers and all the stress and then defooing and...
Anyway, so it was just, you know, stress, stress, stress.
And I don't think that's bad.
I think it was a bit too much for me.
But I don't think that's a bad thing when you're young.
Because you do have to will a lot of things, right?
To get to where you want to be in life.
You have to will yourself through school.
You have to will a profession.
You have to choose, right? You have to will who it is you're going to date.
But now, right...
Here's the thing, right? Here's the thing, where I am now.
And now, I mean over the last five months since Isabella was born.
I could say after the past three months now, we all know she's healthy and perfect and vibrant and wonderful and thriving and all that kind of stuff.
So now, let me look at the questions that have been answered.
It's important to figure out the questions you need to ask in life.
I'm trying to remember that it's also very important to really make sure I figure out the questions that have been answered so that I can move them off the list of things that I'm concerned about.
FDR, thanks to your generosity and my efforts and your efforts, it works.
It just works. It's up and down, but fundamentally I'm not worried about starving next month.
And again, thank you so much to the subscribers and the donators.
But it really, it works.
Am I a media empire?
Good heavens no. A minor internet celebrity at best.
But it works in the way that I want it to work.
I don't want a media empire.
That would indicate A, corruption, B, would require massive amounts of work, which I don't want to do.
So, I have...
I don't have...
I'm not in FDR to become something else, right?
Like that old joke. Well, I'm currently an actor, but I'm hoping to break into waitering, right?
I'm not in FDR because I want to get somewhere else.
Um... It is, I mean, it is the perfect profession for me because it's the all profession, right?
Writing would limit my capacity, like fictional writing limits my capacity to do philosophy.
And philosophy is the all discipline, right?
It is a perfect complement to the range of thinking that I'm interested in.
However successful you feel that range of thinking is, is up to you.
But I have a curious and wide-ranging mind and philosophy is the all, right?
Plus, of course, philosophy plus the psychology.
Psychology is a subset of philosophy.
Philosophy is UBB. So, for me, I'm finally...
And of course, when you love something so much, there's a desperate fear.
When you're dependent on other people, as I was and still am, on you, there's a terror.
Oh my god, I was so anxious.
When I first caught the glimmer that FDR could actually be something, I... When people said, hey, you should allow for donations, and I did, and I started to make a little bit of money, well, not make, because I still had a lot of cost, startup costs, but I started to get a little bit of income.
It was wild for me.
Wild! And when it became vaguely possible, shockingly vaguely possible, to actually make a living at FDR, Or to imagine it, because at first it was simply something that could be only imagined.
I was completely shocked, bewildered, and desperate, hungry.
I wanted it so badly that, you know, if you simply can't get it, you don't want it.
But if you can, maybe, possibly if, And so every step into controversy was a great emotional challenge for me.
Because it's like, I want this so badly, but am I going to alienate people by the stance that I'm taking?
Should I be more moderate? Should I temper things?
Should I wait for certain topics?
And then we had onslaughts with the trolls and all the natural reaction that comes with success.
And that was a really stressful time.
And then when I went full-time, there was this...
I really did put my eggs all in one basket, right?
Because... I wasn't going to...
I really did put my eggs in one basket because I really didn't want to go back to the software field.
Because compared to philosophy, software is a big, skinny pile of the doggy poo.
So, for me anyway.
So, there was this huge desperation.
And all of the challenges that came from growing and developing the standards of this community, Fighting off the beasts and welcoming the friends and all that kind of stuff.
It was really, really tough.
So there was a lot of stress involved in all of that.
Let me just take a pause here.
is about to fall asleep and I'm just going to put her in our car seat and we shall continue.
Alrighty, so Yeah, so what else was occurring?
Well, I mean, my marriage is wonderful.
I don't have to sort of go into it in any detail, but I'm not going to get divorced.
I'm not wondering if there's someone better for me out there.
And so that's all sorted out now.
You know, I always wanted kids, now we have a kid who's healthy, and so on, right?
So, in terms of the things that are squared away in my life, well, quite a lot is squared away, right?
Which is pretty cool.
And so, all of that kind of stuff is all sort of behind me, right?
And I can't, I mean, what are the next major things in my life?
Well, I guess it'll be Isabella going to school, Isabella graduating, Going away to school.
Whatever. Getting old and dying.
I mean, those are the big transitions left in my life.
But those are all, you know, a long way away.
And so, I don't have any big transitions that I'm en route to.
I don't have... I'm not doing this to get to there.
And I think because I am doing what I most want to do and what I'm entirely content to do for the rest of my life.
You know, it's like Queen Wembley CD I think 1986.
There's a live CD of Queen, which is not bad.
And Freddie says, oh, you know, there have been these rumors about us breaking up.
They're talking out of here, he says, pointing at his ass.
We're going to be together until we fucking die, right?
And that is my sort of approach to FDR. We are going to be together until we die.
And now you can send off to the media that a cult leader orders the death of his followers.
But... That's it, right?
Where am I going to go? I mean, somebody said, oh, you can be a famous novelist now.
Are you kidding me? This is much more important, a better use of my time, skills, and energy than any stinky novels, right?
So I am exactly where I want to be.
I have this amazing life with you and your courage and commitment to this conversation with the skills and abilities that I'm bringing to bear on what it is.
That I'm doing. I mean, I have...
It's all set.
It's all done. And so, to sort of jump back to a metaphor from the beginning, this, you know, continuing to bicycle...
Sorry, just making sure I don't hit any children.
It's important. So, you know, I'm off the bicycle, right?
And I sort of feel like I've spent 42 years swimming, born in heavy seas, under a violent squall, and trying to climb over that wall of water that George Clooney in his epic battle with tuna was trying to get over.
In a perfect storm.
And so I feel I was born far out at sea in a hurricane.
And I have spent 42 years trying to get to shore, right?
The problem with that is you just get so used to kicking and thrashing and biting and all that kind of stuff that when you actually get to shore, it's hard to stop those motions, right?
And for me, recognizing that I am now not in life to get somewhere else, right?
I wanted to be married. I wanted to have kids, right?
So I wasn't dating in order to get married.
I'm now married and the marriage is great.
I'm not married in order to have kids.
And we weren't the youngest parents around.
There's some concern about that.
Or parents-to-be. And now that's sorted and done, right?
And I'm not going to particularly think about another kid at the moment.
Because that would just be another obstacle to overleap, right?
So, for me, it is fascinating to think of and to see...
All the things that are just plain done in my life that are no longer big, meaty-beaty, big and bouncy questions that need to be somehow magically, madly answered, right?
Done. Done and done.
And recognizing that, to me, has been really liberating.
I'm not trying to get anywhere now.
I'm not trying to get someplace else.
I'm not... You know, top of the mountain.
I'm not trying to get down from the mountain, right?
Top of the mountain. I'm there.
And that is a really weird transition for me to get used to mentally.
I'm not striving to do X anymore.
It's weird. It's completely bizarre.
It's a little anxiety-provoking, you know, when I really sort of think about it, but I think it's really important because it is kind of, you know, it's necessary to kick in and struggle when you're drowning, half drowning, but when you get to the shore, you can stop.
And I think it's really important to notice those transitions in life.
I'm certainly trying to work with mine, and I hope this has been helpful.
I really just try to remember, what am I doing?
I'm driving home because Isabella fell asleep, and so I had a 10-minute walk.
A 15-minute walk. I'm driving home now.
And then I will be reading a book on parenting.
And then, whatever, right? But try and remind yourself what you're doing in the present.
It will really help you stay in the present, which is hugely helpful.
Thank you so much for listening.
Thank you so much for the support of Free Domain Radio.
I really, really do appreciate it.
And if you haven't donated, freedomainradio.com forward slash donate dot html.
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