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Jan. 14, 2009 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
24:41
1254 Courage
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This is an email from a very brave and noble listener, I think.
And I'm going to take out, of course, identifying details.
My name is such-and-such.
He's at university.
He says, let me start by thanking you for all...
Sorry about the murmur cast, but I've got to sleep.
The baby's asleep. And my arms.
Let me start by thanking you for all of your wonderful podcasts.
They open my mind to the truth and erase the logical fallacies surrounding me.
In eight short months since my first podcast, I have transformed from a born and raised Christian to a strong atheist, and from an Obama supporter to an anarcho-capitalist.
Most importantly, FDR has opened my eyes towards how I was raised.
Before I went to college last year, I had never been introduced to logic or morality.
Thanks, parents, priests, and teachers.
Consequently, I could never question my parents' morality because I didn't know jack shit about logical arguments from morality.
So until this past year, I never questioned my parents' actions, the worst of which included forcing me to go to church, physical and verbal abuse, and forcing me to play sports.
When I was 6 to 11 years old, I told my parents how much I hated going to church, and after being dragged to Sunday school, I would misbehave in church, talk, not sit still, steal my brother's crayons.
This resulted in belt beatings from my dad once we got home.
The beatings occurred as frequently as I misbehaved in church school or at home.
Since the age of 13, I have never been physically harmed by either parent.
And just to interject, of course, you hit puberty, you got bigger.
These heroic, beating-up children parents seem to gain quite a lot of self-restraint when the child begins to be old enough to fight back.
He continues, the verbal abuse came mainly from my dad in the form of yelling, swearing, and name-calling, but my mom got her share of yelling in as well.
To this day, my dad still yells and swears at all of us.
But now, since my brother and I are in college, his attention has turned to my little sister, who is sixteen.
Between my brother, sister, and I, we've probably been called every name in the book.
Anyways, next to being forced to go to church, the worst thing was being forced to play sports.
My dad introduced and coached me in football, wrestling, and baseball.
Surprisingly, sarcasm, I played all three sports until my junior year in high school.
My dad didn't give me too hard At the time when I decided to quit football and baseball, but when I had my second thoughts on wrestling, my junior and senior year, he screamed at me for 20 minutes, telling me he would send me to a different school district and not let me drive his car anymore.
So, he basically got me to stick with wrestling by threatening to rip all my friends away from me, and by making me ride a bus every day to a different school.
This past year, I've tried to have conversations with both of my parents regarding their parenting.
The conversations were very disappointing.
My parents are the type of people who think and act like they are always right and never wrong.
At one point I asked my mom this exact question in regards to spanking children, me.
Mom, answer one question.
Is resorting to violence to manipulate a human ever morally right?
She knows what the obvious answer is.
She knows that the obvious answer is no, but she refuses to accept that she is wrong and being completely illogical.
So she says, yes, and here's why.
And then she used this line of bullshit, quote, I thought at the time that I was doing the right thing, and it was out of love.
I don't know how many times I calmly tried to explain to her how her statement needs to apply to everyone at all times, not just children and parents.
She refused to listen or recognized the non-aggression principle.
I then tried to explain to her that she was sidestepping the issue of morality by bringing up an explanation of why she hit me.
Amateur tactics like this went on throughout the entire conversation.
It took me almost an hour to explain to them that not giving me a choice in any matter involving my life is wrong.
Sports, church, college, etc.
I finally gave up.
Extremely frustrated, exhausted, and heartbroken.
Not once during any conversation did they abandon their original point of view and agree with me.
They sent me away with hugs and a fake apology.
After my conversation with them is probably the most horrified I'd ever been in my life.
I realized that I had been a prisoner in a house of abuse for years and not even known it.
I went to my room and cried, then cried for my brother and sister, who were also blindly subjected to my parents' abuse of power.
If it wasn't for you and FDR, I don't know what kind of person I would be today.
Before FDR, my parents were my set of morals, as dumb and scary as that might sound, it's true.
I never knew or thought that the things they did to me were wrong.
I actually thought the exact opposite.
I was such a confused teenager for what seemed like a very long time.
But ever since I started listening and reading, it has brought nothing but joy and clarity to my life.
You literally rescued me from a sea of confusion and pain.
When I cried my eyes out, I cried because I was horrified at what I had went through.
At the same point, I cried tears of joy because I knew the horror was over.
And you were the reason as to why the horror ceased.
You taught me how to think. Because of you, my parents can no longer control my life.
No longer do I respond to coercion or threats.
I want you to know how much good you've done for me and hopefully in a few years my brother and sister.
I can honestly say that I look up to you more than anyone.
I have never met you or donated to FDR. I promise I plan on doing so, but I'm a poor college student at the moment.
What do I get in return?
The biggest improvement in my standard of living.
Thank you so much, Steph, for having the courage, wisdom, motivation, and virtue to provide a free website filled with the most important material I've discovered.
Whatever sympathy you felt for me when you read the previous two paragraphs, you should feel equal satisfaction for a job well done.
During my 21 years of life, nothing has so radically changed my life in a good way.
I owe it all to you.
Thank you so much, Steph. I am forever grateful.
Well, I'm grateful for that letter.
I mean, that's just an absolutely beautiful, beautiful letter.
And the size and glory of your heart and soul should be something that I hope that you appreciate to sit down and write a letter that generous and that beautiful.
I think is truly moving.
It's truly touching. And this kind of life, the kind of life where you have attempted to reason things out with your family, and you don't say whether you're still in contact with them or not,
I don't think. But I think that being honest and open about what it is that you have thought and felt in this history, in this relationship, Giving people the chance to do the right thing, to come around, to come clean, to deal with things that have happened that have been destructive or violent, I think is just wonderful.
I mean, it's nice to see you say you look up to me, and I appreciate that, but, you know, knock the bold photo off your altar and put a mirror instead in my...
I'm absolutely certain that you should be incredibly proud of who you are and the choices that you've made.
And the courage that you have shown.
It wasn't me who sat down with your parents and opened up his heart.
It wasn't me who made these kinds of choices to do these amazing things with your life.
It wasn't me who had the courage to face up to your history.
It wasn't me.
It was you. It was you.
And that's a pride that you should take.
I'm fortunate to be any part of a Of helping you to find that kind of courage and clarity.
I'm thrilled to be a part of that and I really do appreciate that.
I'm certainly not rejecting the kindness that you have shown me in the letter, but I just think that it's so important for you to look at the courage that you have shown in this situation and to really look with pride in the mirror and to wear this medal of true philosophical courage yourself.
And I appreciate your gratitude.
I appreciate the very kind and wonderful things that you have said about me.
And I'm thrilled, as always, to be part of any of someone's breaking away from destruction or violence after doing his or her very best to try and deal with the situation.
But it is you who should be incredibly proud of what it is that you have done.
It is you who took the big steps, who opened your heart to your family, who tried to express the moral outrage of being beaten and verbally abused for 13 years and verbally abused thereafter.
So, I appreciate that.
I just wanted to remind you that it is you who showed the true courage in this situation with regards to your own life, not me.
And that's the pride that you should absolutely take with you to your grave.
You should take the pride in the actions that will completely change your life from where it would have gone.
And I'm happy to be a tiny part of that, but that is the real courage is in you, not in me, with regards to your life.
So, that having been said, I mean, obviously I don't have anything particular to add other than, you know, extraordinary deep admiration for, I mean, I know it looks all kinds of sometimes courageous for me, but I'm, you know, joyfully married, a happy, devoted father.
I'm in my early 40s.
I live, my defu is like Ten years have passed.
So for me, the major hurdles are over, but I absolutely, completely and totally respect the courage that it takes to do that when you're in college, when you're young.
So it's easier for me than it is for you.
So not only am I not doing the incredibly courageous things that you all are doing in your lives when you have these kinds of histories to sit down and try and work things out with your family, not only am I not doing those things, But they're long in the past for me, and I'm much more independent now.
And so, I just...
This next generation, I mean, I gotta tell you, it is an incredible privilege as a communicator, as a philosopher, to be in contact with you absolutely spectacular human beings.
I mean... Every generation gets smarter and you guys are going to outstrip me by leagues and Isabella will probably outstrip you by leagues and then her kids and so on, right?
Because statistically, human beings are getting smarter every generation.
And it is such an incredible privilege to be able to see what it is that you guys are doing.
The ferocious, magnificent, glorious, beautiful...
Terrifying courage that you're bringing to bear on these age-old problems of corruption and violence, whether it's within the family or in other situations, it is such an ennobling and beautiful thing to see.
And I am in a sort of privileged position in terms of being able to see a larger landscape than most of you in terms of, you know, the sort of spoke of the wheel of communication, so the hub of the wheel of communication, so to speak.
I wish you guys could see just how courageous you are, just how magnificent your courage is.
You are braver than anyone, including myself, that I knew at your age.
You guys are more courageous, you are more clear, you are more firm, you are more decisive, you are more vulnerable, you are more honest, you are more open, you are stronger And I think the stronger comes from the smarter.
But what you guys are doing is a magnificent revolution in ethics and volunteerism and virtue and is the only way that I know of to make the world a better place.
And you guys are doing such an incredible job that it is, to my knowledge, unprecedented.
Unprecedented. And it's not FDR. I mean, It's a little bit FDR, but it's you.
It's the courage, clarity, and conviction that you bring.
And the intelligence. I mean, this letter is brilliant.
The intelligence that your generation brings to this process of philosophy is absolutely magnificent.
We do have a world full of Socrates.
We do have a world full of beautiful geniuses.
With the moral courage and conviction of a thousand armies of philosophers.
And that is an absolutely beautiful thing to see.
And just before I sort of sign off, I sort of wanted to mention this, and this seems as good a place as any, you know, for the parents out there who are troubled.
And, you know, I mean, we all, almost all of us have a conscience, and we know.
When we've done things that are not good.
Or if you're not even sure, right?
Don't live in a world of agonizing suspense.
Don't live passively waiting for your children to talk to you or not talk to you.
Well, you know, adult children and so on.
I mean, if you feel that your kids may have Suffered from some aspect of your parenting.
And look, I'm not above this.
I am part of this.
I am going to do things to Isabella that are going to be a real problem for her.
And I'm going to do my absolute best to minimize those, but I mean, I absolutely worship and adore my wife, and it's not like I'm not occasionally snappy or impatient with her, which is completely unjust, because she's an absolutely perfect human being.
And perfection is not The requirement, right?
Honesty is the requirement.
Honesty and curiosity.
So, sit down with your kids.
I mean, if they're still young, before they've become adults, sit down with your kids and say to them, ask them, genuinely ask them and open your heart to the answer.
And it may take a while, particularly if you've done things that are Not good.
It may take a while for them to accept that it's not a trap.
But sit down with them and say, okay, tell me what was your experience of my parenting?
What are my strengths and weaknesses as a parent?
What have I gotten right?
What have I gotten wrong? What do you think has been fair?
What do you think has been unfair?
What has been positive? What has been negative?
Your children are not possessions.
They are not pets.
They are partners in the act of growing up with you.
In the act of being raised, they are partners.
They are your customers.
They are not your slaves.
And all competent businesses canvass their customers.
Private schools canvass their children to find out what aspect of the teaching works, what's good, what's bad, to work for a process of continual improvement.
Why should we apply ISO 9000 to manufacturing plants which turn out widgets, but not the manufacturing plants which turn out human beings called the family?
Why should we not apply that process of 360-degree feedback, continual improvement, customer surveys, And a dedication to providing the greatest possible quality.
Why should that apply to the manufacture or the creation of an airplane, but not the creation of a human being?
It makes no sense.
Human beings are more important than airplanes.
So sit down with your children.
Ask them what it's been like having you as a teacher, as a mentor, as a guru, as a guide.
Approach them with the humility of a service provider, whether that service is sending pizzas or providing protection, nurturance, sustenance and moral guidance and education to your children.
Ask your children what their experience of the family is.
Ask them what you can do better.
Ask them how you can improve Listen to their responses.
And if you are a parent, I'm sure that this did not happen to you, or at least it seems unlikely that it would have happened to you as a child.
Otherwise, you would have done it already.
But really, what could be more important to you as a parent than the positive experience of your children?
And that doesn't mean that they always agree with everything that you say or do or anything like that.
But what could be more important in life Then the positive feedback and negative feedback to ensure a positive outcome from your children.
I ask my wife every day or two, is there anything I could do better?
I will ask Isabella when she can speak, is there anything that I can do better as a parent?
I ask my wife, what is your experience of me as a husband?
Can I improve?
What is your experience of me as a co-parent?
Can I improve? What can I do that's different or better?
You know, the average household watches like a dozen hours of television or more a week, not even counting, I think, the time that is spent online.
So the next time you're sitting down or thinking of sitting down to watch The Game or Lost or Prison Break or whatever it is that you're into, You know, just take a moment, take a moment, take a moment of stillness and ask yourself, you know, is my TV going to be around when I'm old to take care of me, to help me descend down the dark steps towards death?
No. Is my sports team going to be around to nurture me in my dotage?
Is my...
Is, uh...
Michael Schofield going to be around to return my love and affection?
No. It's your family.
And why would you want to prioritize two hours or three hours or, for North American football, two days?
It makes cricket look quick.
Why would you want to prioritize watching a television show over and above ensuring that the people Who you live with and love are happy.
Right? It's that simple question.
And it's a hard question, I understand.
This is with all sensitivity towards how difficult this is.
It's a hard question.
Are you happy?
Could I do better?
What can I do better?
What has your experience been like of me as a husband, as a father, as a partner?
Help me to improve.
And not with the expectation of being asked in return, but it's so important to keep priorities straight in life.
And we all know. We all know this deep down, right?
I mean, the priority is love.
The priority is intimacy.
The priority is connection.
As E.M. Forster wrote, only connect.
It is the beauty of intimacy and honesty and vulnerability.
And connection with other good souls that makes life beautiful and worthwhile and wonderful.
And it cannot arise without feedback.
You cannot get quality without a recognition of volunteerism, without asking questions about other people's perception of quality.
It's fine to say, oh, I'm a great dad, oh, I did everything right, or if I did things wrong, it was with the right intentions.
You can create these empty, fake bullshit statues towards your own virtue, and we all do, and we all have that temptation.
You can do all of that. You can indulge this useless exercise of creating statues towards your own nobility and self-righteousness.
But it's all nonsense.
Until you ask the people around you, the people in your life, What's it like having me as a friend?
What do you like about me as a friend?
What's good about what it is that I do and what's bad about what it is that I do?
If you could change three things about me, or five things, or a hundred things, what would you change?
Tell me what you think the worst thing was that I ever did.
What did I ever do that hurt you the most?
Tell me a moment where you were the most proud of me.
When did you look at me with admiration?
And if not, why not?
What do you envy about me?
What traits of mine do you wish you had?
What traits of mine would you pay almost anything to not have or to keep from having?
Do you think I'm honest in general?
Do you think that I have integrity?
Do you think that I'm a good person?
And if not, why not?
And if so, why so? Do you think that you're a good person?
What do you think it's like being your friend?
Why, fundamentally, would we want to talk about anything else other than our true experiences of each other with the goal of becoming better friends, better fathers, better lovers, better spouses?
What else could be more important?
I mean, obviously, it doesn't mean that we spend 24-7 only talking about or asking these questions.
But when you look at the big picture of your life, where it is, where it's going, where it's going to end up, which is the eternal dirt nap we all face, the oblivion of endless ending in the short time that we have between now and the grave,
what could be more important to talk about than the love that we can have for each other, the respect that we can have for each other, and what is missing And what can be built and what can grow and what can become beautiful through honest, open questions.
So, stop listening and go talk to the people in your life.
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