All Episodes
Previous Next
Nov. 25, 2008 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
49:44
1220 Inventing Future Girlfriend -- A Listener Conversation

love lives in the future, not the past

| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Hello? Oh hey, how's it going?
What is that?
Sorry, was I making a lot of noise?
Only you can tell.
Sorry, go ahead. Can you hear me okay?
I can hear you okay, yeah.
It's the same problem with the crinkliness of the microphone, but we'll survive.
Oh, okay. Do you want this streamed at all or no?
No, it's fine. Okay.
Go ahead. Well, just ever since you cancelled our last conversation, I've kind of been on this landslide of depression and I have no idea why and all this bad stuff.
Seems to keep happening and I I've just been like really dishonest with people and I think I've been Unconsciously hurting people and I don't know why I'm doing that.
I don't know why I can't stop it and Why it's affecting me so badly Right and just for those who don't know what that means You and I had a conversation I think about two weeks ago Which I think mostly had to do with your mother and so on, right?
Yeah And then you said, can you help me with a dream?
And I said, yes. And then I realized I've got a bunch of people who want calls in before my baby comes and I have a bunch of other stuff that I needed to do.
So I said, you know, I have to spread things out a bit.
And so I postponed or basically canceled the call for the foreseeable future.
And then I just had a cancellation today.
So that's why we're talking now.
But are you saying that it was that cancellation that caused these problems for you?
I think it had something to do with it because when I read your email about it I felt really sad and hurt but I didn't say that at the time I was just like okay I didn't really I wasn't really honest about how badly I felt.
And what was the What was the conversation that you had with yourself about my cancellation?
Like, what did it mean, right?
Obviously, it didn't mean anything in particular.
It's nice to get a dream interpreted, but there must have been something else for you if I cancelled the conversation that was more than just me cancelling the cancellation.
It must have meant something to you that was more, right?
Right. Well, I just felt rejected and I really wanted to say something passive-aggressive back to manage that.
Like, I wanted to be like, well, fine, whatever, or something like that.
I'll just struggle all alone and you'll see me around.
Right? No, I understand.
I mean, we all have that. I understand.
And I was sensitive to...
The fact that I was canceling and so on, so I apologize and so on, right?
But you wanted to sting me back, right?
Yeah. I can understand that.
Again, this is nothing too horrible.
I just wanted to mention that or recognize that.
So, okay, but when you read the cancellation, what...
Because there's nothing in an email that can make you feel bad, right?
I mean, something as innocuous as, I can't have a conversation with you right now, because we just had one two weeks ago, right?
Right, yeah. I mean, that's acceptable, even if I was charging you, that would be acceptable, but because I'm not, right?
It clearly is. I mean, it's not bad behavior or anything, right?
Right. Yeah, I was like, well, that sounds reasonable, but I still feel really hurt about it.
And that's good. It's not good that you're hurt, right?
But it's good that you felt it, it's good that you're talking to me about it, and so on.
And I think it's actually quite useful.
It will be quite useful for you, right?
Because here's the problem, right?
If I'm not allowed to say no to you, if you have that perspective, it doesn't affect me that much, right?
Right. Who does it affect?
Me. Right.
How does it affect you?
It makes me more anxious because I want to control people.
Well, I think that's true, and that's a dutifully generic answer, but I'm going to be a little more specific and tell you and everyone who's listening to this We are, all of us, UPB compliant machines, right?
That's why people get so messed up about UPB, because it's like trying to figure out your own psychology.
We are UPB compliant machines.
Everything we impose on others, whether we like it or not, we impose on ourselves, right?
Yeah. I mean, if I'm angry at the world and hurt people, I am going to experience the world as full of angry people who want to hurt me.
Right. So it's not the rules that you're creating for me that I think is important here, because I don't follow your rules, right?
I mean, I feel I can say no, right?
Yeah. But if you don't allow me in your own mind, if it's bad for me to say no to you, that doesn't affect me, but it creates a world where you can't say no.
Right, yeah. Does that make sense?
Yeah. Yeah, okay, you got the sunlight there, so why don't you talk?
I'll stop trying to talk.
Oh, that just makes perfect sense, because I've been getting really depressed about...
In the last few days, I've just been getting really depressed about sexual abuse and stuff, so that makes...
I think that's connected.
Go on. I mean, I agree.
I just want to make sure I understand where you're coming from.
Katie sent me her blog, and I haven't been talking to her, but I read her blog, and she talks about her abuse in it.
And after reading that, I just got really, really depressed.
And yeah, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
And that was around the time that you cancelled the conversation as well, so I think it's connected somehow.
Okay, okay.
Now, obviously sexual abuse is one of the ultimate ways of saying to people, of saying to women or to men, to boys, to girls, you can't say no, right?
Right, yeah. You can't establish any kind of physical boundaries or preferences, right?
Right, yeah. And so when I establish or when I politely and with apologies express a preference to you, I mean obviously I could do the call, right?
I'm not booked for 20 hours out of the 24 in the day, right?
Right, yeah. And so I didn't have an objective like, I'm going to be on an airplane at that time, and therefore I can't, and blah, blah, blah.
So I was expressing a preference like, well, we just had a conversation, there are other people who want conversations, I haven't talked to them in months, if ever, therefore, right?
Right. I was simply expressing a preference that was not constrained by something objective, if that makes sense.
Right, that makes sense.
So I was able to have the call with you.
I chose not to, right?
Right, yeah. And that is a difficult thing for people to experience, right?
Right. Not because calls with me are, you know, the highlight of everyone's life or anything, but because I'm saying...
I'm not saying I have to wash my hair, right?
Right. Right.
They're in fiction, which would be pretty clear to everyone who saw a picture, right?
So, when I'm expressing a preference that is not backed up by objective restrictions, I could have the call, I choose not to have the call.
That's different from I can't have the call, right?
Right. That is me establishing my preferences without reference To what is objectively possible, but simply my preferences, right?
Right, yeah. That's really hard to do, right?
Yeah. Because people are going to say, well, why can't you have the call, right?
And you could have said that.
You could have said, well, what do you mean? You release like five podcasts a week these days, maybe.
Yeah, that was part of what I was thinking.
Of course you have time, right?
Right, yeah. And that's, you know, valid.
And that's why I didn't say, I don't have time.
Right? Because that would be a lie.
Yeah. If that makes sense.
Yeah, that makes sense.
I was merely expressing a preference that was inconvenient to you, and I was giving myself permission to change my mind, if that makes sense.
And I was merely expressing a preference that was not backed up by...
It's impossible, right?
Right. Because that's what people always do when they want to bully us or control us or get their way.
And this doesn't... I don't mean this always in a malevolent way.
We will say, we don't want to.
And people will say, why not?
Right? Right, yeah.
I don't like people like that, frankly.
I'm not saying you're one of them, just so you understand.
I'm just saying.
If I was single, I asked some woman out, and she says, I don't want to go out with you, right?
And I say, well, why not?
It's kind of jerky, right?
Yeah, that's pretty narcissistic, I think.
Well, it's aggressive, because I'm putting her in an uncomfortable position, right?
You know, mainly because you just asked me that question, right?
Because you're kind of manipulative, because you're putting me in an awkward situation.
And you know what? I don't owe you an explanation as to why I don't want to go out with you.
Right. I mean, if I went for a job interview and didn't get the job, I don't get to knock on the guy's house at three in the morning and say, well, why did you give me this job?
Right. Right. I mean, I have the right to phone him and ask him for the reason, but he's not obligated to reply to me at all, right?
Yeah. And so when I express to you a subjectively personal preference, and I gave you some reason, it wasn't just like, you know, I don't like you or something silly like that, which of course is not true, but But I just said, you know, I'm kind of stacked, and we just had a convo, and blah blah blah.
But it wasn't anything objective, right?
Skype is down, my computer's exploded, I can't speak, right?
Right, yeah. I've spent so much time with these bulky headphones on, I feel like Princess Leia, right?
Right. And that's painful.
Because that, I think, goes to the core of what was never possible for you.
Right. But anyway, enough of my rambling.
Tell me what you think of what I'm saying.
Tell me! Sorry, sounds like an order.
Tell me! Right, but you know what I mean.
Yeah, it makes sense.
I just don't know why I would, like, go so...
Like, I feel like I've been going completely off the rails in the last few days.
I've just been feeling really crazy, and I think I've done some pretty horrible things to people, and I don't know why I would get so hurt and depressed just because of that.
Well, I don't know either, and the theory may not be valid.
I don't know either. We'll try a little bit more and see if it makes sense emotionally, and if it doesn't, we'll abandon it as a thesis, right?
Because the important thing is what makes sense to you emotionally.
Okay. Your first instinct or desire when you got my message was to attack me, right?
You've made me feel bad, now I'm going to make you feel bad, right?
Right, yeah. I used to do that a lot in my previous relationships, like with Liz or whatever.
If she'd be like, oh, I can't spend time with you today, I'd be like, fine, whatever, you don't love me, blah, blah, blah, that kind of thing.
And I'd get really upset and depressed about it.
And I haven't Felt that way for a long time, so I don't know why it's coming back now.
Can you think of...
And there was nothing else that happened that was significant, because this was, I think, two days ago, is that right?
Yeah. Was there anything else that happened that you think might be relevant?
Just... All this Katie stuff, I think, is connected to it somehow.
I don't know what that means.
I mean, I know who Katie is, but I don't know what all this Katie stuff means.
Just that she was contacting me for a little while, and I didn't reply, but I read her messages, and she links me to a blog, and I've been reading that, and that's been pretty emotional for me.
And why are you doing that?
I mean, it doesn't matter.
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't. Not that my opinion means anything, but I'm just...
I mean, why? Reading her blog, do you mean?
Oh, the whole thing, right?
I mean, you guys broke up, right?
Yeah. So why are you getting back involved, emotionally?
Well, from her messages it seems like she's really trying to...
Like she's apologized for some things and it seems like she's really trying to get into therapy and stuff to make up for it.
And I see...
I'm sorry, and that's great.
I'm very happy, obviously.
I think that's wonderful. I'm not sure what that has to do with you.
What do you mean? You're broken up, right?
Right. Is it because you think that you might get back together?
Well, I would like to be a friend again.
I would like her to get better.
But you can't be a friend with her.
You can't. We've gone through this, not you and I. Again, this is all just nonsense opinion, but you can't be a friend of hers.
Because what happens... Is that friends discuss their relationships, right?
Right. And how are you...
If you start dating someone, how are you going to discuss this with Katie?
Or if she starts dating...
I mean, you can't. You'd have this whole thing that you can't talk about, right?
Why not? You can't talk about new relationship with exes.
Because they can't be objective.
Because it hurts. Because it's, you know...
She can't give you good advice...
On your new relationship, right?
Because you dumped her. And it's good.
I mean, look, how hurt were you when I canceled a phone call?
How hurt is she going to be when you talk about some new love of your life?
That's a bit more than a phone call, right?
Right. Go on.
It's really sad.
Right, this is the second wave of the breakup, right?
The first wave is we don't see each other anymore, right?
The second is the end of the internal relationship, right?
I don't know.
I've been really struggling with that for the last few days I guess I mean yeah you care about her and obviously you're never going to be indifferent to what happens I understand that.
I really do. But it's over.
You broke up. It's like reapplying for a job that you hated so much.
You quit in panic and rage reapplying for that job when there's tons of other jobs around, right?
I don't know. I thought that I was over it and that I gained closure, but I don't think I have at all.
Right, right.
And that's indicated by what?
What's the indication that you don't have closure?
That I'm still acting out the behaviors that I was in the relationship.
Well, yeah, to some degree, but more specifically, it's because you're reading her blog, right?
I guess.
Okay, what's not clear about that?
Well, it just seems like she's really being honest and brave about recovering and She's really honest in her blog and I just thought that...
I just wanted to see her get better.
Well sure, but what does that have to do with you and your life and your future?
Of course we want people that we've cared about to be happy, right?
But you're broken up.
It's not your business anymore.
And I don't think you're helping her.
It's not helping you, right?
Right. You're not happier, right?
Sorry, I'm yelling day today, I don't know why.
But you're not happier, right?
I mean, my concern is whether you're happy.
But you say you're acting out, you're getting mad because I canceled a call, right?
Right. So it's not doing you good, right?
And there's lots of reasons why it's not doing you good.
Because your relationship was hugely problematic, right?
Right, yeah. Hugely dysfunctional, right?
Yeah. So you guys cannot help each other at all.
You can only make it bad for each other.
Because you've got these grooves of dysfunction with each other's names on them carved deep into your brains, right?
Right.
So you guys cannot engage without dysfunction.
But I'm friends again with people that I had really dysfunctional friendships with in the past, so why can't I have that with Katie?
Well, maybe you can.
I mean, again, these are all just theories that I have and experiences that I have, right?
I mean, if you can find a way to do it, then you should try and find a way to do it, right?
I think there's good reasons as to why you can't do it, right?
Because these other people, I don't know.
I mean, have they gone through therapy?
Have they really fixed up their lives?
Are they better people? Have they sorted things out?
I mean, these friendships that you say are better?
It's people at FDR, so...
Okay, so people who've been heavily engaged or involved in honesty and authenticity and they've got good tools and they've been in therapy and so on, right?
Right. And these are people that, aside from some problematic behaviors that you did not have dysfunctional relationships with before, right?
Well, I think early on they were pretty dysfunctional.
But not like abusive, right?
No, I guess not.
But, and when did you start getting contact, being in contact with Katie again?
Just a couple of days after I had those dreams, I think.
Okay, so you had the dreams, then you got back in touch with Katie, and then I cancelled a call, right?
Right.
Okay.
Why would you want...
I mean, I know you're saying, like, oh, I want her to be happy and better and blah, blah, blah, and I'm not saying that you're wrong about that.
Obviously, I don't know, but why would you want to have someone in your life...
Where you had such a dysfunctional relationship?
I mean, without ascribing fault or blame, why would you want that person in your life?
Don't they just remind you of all the pain?
Well, I've been thinking about that and...
I don't know.
I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean when you say, "I don't know." Whoa. Sorry, I'm blanking out.
I mean, to use an extreme metaphor, it's like Nelson Mandela was kept in jail for, I don't know, 17 or 20 years or something like that.
It'd be kind of like him going back and saying, I think I'm going to live here.
Right, but...
I don't know, maybe it's...
Right, but maybe it's not true, but I keep telling myself that if Katie can get better, that it won't be the same as it was last time, so...
It wouldn't be like going back to jail.
It would be something new.
But why would you want to take that risk when you could work on becoming healthier yourself, as I know that you're doing, and have a relationship with someone without that dysfunctional baggage?
That's the question, right?
It's like you have this car that never worked for three years, right?
Right.
And it just kept breaking down.
It kept blowing up. It kept going off the road.
And you spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to get it repaired.
And then the mechanic. And then you say, forget it.
I'm not even selling this car.
I'm going to leave it by the side of the road.
And then someone, a mechanic, calls and says, hey, I think I fixed your car.
And you've got enough money for a new car.
And you say, no, I think I'm going to go back and get that old car.
It just makes no sense, right?
Maybe the car is perfectly fixed, but so what?
The risk is pretty high, right?
Right. I don't know.
I just... It's the future that you're scared of, right?
You're hanging on to this because...
Because you're scared to let go.
And because that's easy, right?
You already have a relationship.
She's emailing you. You already have a set of interactions that are built in, right?
If you let that go and you say, well, I'm going to work on myself.
I'm going to keep my eyes peeled for someone new and exciting without the bad history.
And I'm not going to repeat the mistakes of the past.
That's looking to the future, right?
Right.
And that's what you're scared to do, right?
Yeah, I think that's true.
I just haven't been able to get her off my mind in the last couple of days.
Sure, because that's easy and that's familiar, right?
And I don't mean easy, but you know what I mean, right?
That's got to do with your thing.
And you don't have to put yourself out there, right?
I'm not saying you should, right?
I'm just saying, right? This is all a predefined thing, right?
Right. And it allows you to feel emotions without growth and without risk, right?
It allows you to feel a sense of connection.
And a sense of relatedness.
But it's not real.
And look, I mean, I sympathize.
I'm sounding like the meanest guy on the planet today, and I apologize for that.
I really do sympathize.
I really, really do sympathize.
I know that it is really scary to let go of that kind of dysfunction and open yourself up to something.
Right? I really, I do sympathize with that.
It feels like you've got your leg in a bear trap and you kind of have to chew it off to get away, right?
Yeah. I really do understand that and I really do sympathize with that.
But it's not good for you.
And it's not good for her.
Right, that's true.
I mean, are you in contact with her or are you just reading her blog?
No, I'm just reading her blog.
I haven't said anything to her messages or anything yet.
Right, right.
But that's on your mind, right?
Yeah, it's on my mind.
Right. Yeah, it's not a good idea.
You know, if you really care about her, and this is a cliche, but it's true, but if you really care about her, you have to let her go.
It's not healthy for her to be sending you stuff.
It's not healthy for you to be...
obsessing over where she's at because you guys broke up. - What if she comes back to FDR?
How am I gonna deal with that?
Well, one thing at a time, right?
If I'm giving you a solution and you invent another problem, we're never going to get anywhere, right?
Right. Sorry. No, that's no problem.
I understand. Like, there's stuff that you can control and there's stuff that you can't control, right?
Right. You can't control whether she comes back to FDR, but you can control whether you block her email and read her blog, right?
Why would I block her email?
Because you've broken up.
And you need to start freeing up your heart for someone new in time.
Every time you take a step into this quicksand, You are closing your heart off to the future and to someone else in time.
I don't want to.
I'm sorry? I don't want to, though.
Well, of course you want to.
Because if you really didn't want to, you wouldn't be unhappy.
Like, I really don't want to go to the North Pole.
So when I'm not at the North Pole, I'm happy.
Does that make sense? Right.
If you really didn't want to move forward, your soul would not be crying out in pain when you're not moving forward, right?
Right. Of course you want to move forward.
Otherwise you wouldn't be unhappy.
Alright, that makes sense.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I mean, the pain is trying to help you, right?
It's saying, this way, back to the past, back to the dysfunction, obsessing over an ex, dreaming perhaps of some fantasy planet where we can be together and happy as if we had no past and never hurt each other.
That's not going to make you happy, and you know that deep down, which is why you're in pain and you're acting out, right?
Thank you.
Right, yeah. To me, this is a good rule of thumb, right?
And I'm not saying go date, right?
I'm just saying this is a good rule of thumb that I've used in the past, and you can let me know if it makes any sense to you.
Imagine some super hot, super cool chick asks you out, right?
And on your date, she says to you, hey, what did you do today, right?
A good rule of thumb about whether you're doing something to prepare for a new relationship is how you think your date would react to what you did, right?
So if your super hot, super cool new date says, hey, what did you do today?
You said, I basically read about the sexual abuse of my ex-girlfriend.
How would your new date react?
You know. I'm pretty horrified.
Yeah, I'd be like, oh really?
Oh, Jack, right?
Right.
And I know this sounds silly, but it's a pretty good rule of thumb, right?
Right.
Whereas if you said, oh, you know, I was reading up on relationships and I had a great chat with my therapist and so on.
I did some journaling and I read a great book or whatever it is, right?
Had a great conversation about X, Y, and Z with someone.
I mean, that's all stuff you'd be happy to say, right?
Yeah. Whereas if you say, well, I basically obsessed about whether my ex-girlfriend was getting slightly healthier with the idea that maybe we could get back together...
Right? That's no working.
Yeah. Oh God.
You get it, right?
You see what I mean. Yeah.
I'm just...
I know that I'm...
I'm scared that I'm not going to find anyone else in the future.
So... Oh, and look, I totally understand that.
I'm sorry to interrupt because I get it.
I mean, we've all been there, right?
If Christina gets hit by a bus, I'm going to be a monk, right?
So that risk is not solved when you get into a relationship.
There's always that risk, right?
Right. That risk never goes away because you either want someone you don't have or you're afraid of losing someone you do have.
We can all go crazy and obsess and, you know, shit on every sandwich, right?
Right. So, there's no solution to that kind of worry.
I just want you to, because we all think, oh, I'm going to get into a relationship and everything's going to be perfect, right?
Oh, it's going to be great, it's going to be nothing but montages of us running through rain and fountains, right?
Right. And it doesn't work that way, right, in reality.
Even if you find someone that you totally love, Then what happens is, if you want, you can start to worry about all the bad things that can happen, right?
Like if Christine is 20 minutes late, I just imagine a huge fireball on the highway, right?
Right. So, you can ruin, I mean, we can all ruin everything, right?
I mean, there's no external problem.
There's no external solution to these problems, right?
Right, yeah. Because if you're terrified that you're never going to find anyone, then when you get that person, you'll just be terrified they're going to leave you, right?
Right. Right, yeah.
Which will be a self-fulfilling prophecy, right?
I'm so insecure, are you going to leave me?
Hey, where are you going? Right?
Right, yeah, that's been a problem in my previous relationships too.
I know, I remember this was one of the first RTR conversations that we had, right?
You and Katie, she goes out and you're...
Yeah, the whole I hate you, don't leave me thing.
Got it, got it. And there is actually a book about that.
I don't know if you've read it. Yeah, I've heard of it.
I haven't read it yet. But here's the thing, though, which is that if you're afraid of meeting someone new, the best thing to do is to be in as receptive and positive a state if and when that comes along.
Of course it'll come along, right?
But The important thing is to be receptive, right?
Right, yeah. And if you use that rule of thumb and your hot date says, what did you do today?
You don't want to either lie or say, I'm obsessed about my ex, right?
Right, yeah. Right?
So you don't have any control whether this person comes along, right?
You can go out and do things and you can be open and you can be friendly and you can be positive and you can be engaging and whatever, right?
You don't have any control over whether that person comes along, right?
Right, yeah. I spent 15 years asking out every woman on the planet and then met my wife playing volleyball, right?
Right. Nonsense, right?
And... So we don't have any control over that, but we do have control over how we're going to answer the questions we're asked on our first date, right?
So to give you a silly metaphor, and I'm sure you get it, but just to do my normal thing and pound the nail one too many times, if I'm scared about getting a job, I definitely want to not have a criminal record, right?
Right. Because then on the interview they say, have you ever been convicted?
Yes. Right.
Right. The more I'm worried about getting a job, the less I should have a criminal record, right?
Right. And so the more you're worried about meeting someone new, the less you should be enmeshed in your ex's psychological problems, right?
Yeah. Because that's going to be for sure not going to help, right?
Yes. Yeah, that makes sense.
The more you're scared of lung cancer, the less you should smoke, right?
Yeah. Because your fear and your involvement with Katie are one and the same thing because they both lead to the same place, which is you not getting someone new who's great, right right yeah
and you're doing great stuff to to prepare your heart for someone new right I mean, you're doing therapy, you've de-pinked, right?
And again, this makes me sound hopelessly square, and maybe I am, right?
But you're doing some great stuff, in my opinion, some really powerful, great stuff to open your heart to real love.
Not to neediness, not to control, not to poutiness, not to passive aggression, not to bullying, not to meh, right?
All that kind of shit, right? Right, yeah.
And I think you should be incredibly proud of what you're doing.
you have a new ability, which I think is beautiful, to really express affection.
Right?
Yeah, I think so too, actually.
I know so. I've seen you do it.
To be moved by beauty, to express affection, to...
I mean, all of these are beautiful things.
And those... That opening up of yourself, right?
You've dropped the tough chick persona.
You've de-extremed your appearance.
You're open to affection, right?
You're genuinely funny, in my opinion, right?
You can be genuinely witty, whereas before it always seemed kind of brittle.
Again, this is just my opinion, but take it for what it's worth, right?
Which is not much, but... Right.
And all of this is going to earn you the love that you want.
And this sucked backward into the quicksand of past dysfunction is not.
And we're all tempted by it.
We're all Tempted by it.
Who hasn't Googled an X? We're all tempted by it, just so you know, right?
I mean this with all sympathy, right?
Right. We're all tempted by it.
We all want to know.
I want to know.
Oh, it's giving me this really gut-wrenching feeling.
What's that? Just thinking about this stuff, I'm just...
I feel like I just want to come up into a bowl and just howl.
Well, that probably is what you should do then.
Maybe not at the internet cafe.
Unless they think you've lost a World of Warcraft game, they may not understand, right?
Right. But I think that is good, right?
Because this going back to this Dysfunctional relationship and thinking about it and considering it and thinking you can use it to build some bridge to the future, all of that is just pain avoidance, right?
That's better than some alternative that is really scary, and that is probably the genuine pain and closure, right, of that past relationship, of everything that was wrong with it, of every ways that you got to meet each other.
It's just trying to get closure with that, right?
That's painful. Because it goes even further back, right?
I mean, you were in that relationship because of earlier things and all that kind of stuff.
Yeah. And you might want to try, again, I'm Mr.
Exercise today, but maybe, right?
You might want to try something that I found helpful when I was going through therapy, right?
Which is to write a letter To your future girlfriend.
I can't wait to meet you.
This is what I think we're like.
This is what we do together.
This is how much fun we have.
These are the problems we have and here's how we solve them.
There's a way of building bridges to the future that is very practical.
And to create an expectation in yourself that is proactive, right?
Right. Sorry, I was just reminded of this thing that was back on the internet a couple years ago where this 13-year-old kid recorded himself saying, hello, my future girlfriend, email me at this place, blah, blah, blah, and we can be happy and live together in love and stuff like that.
It was like a fad on the internet for a while and that just reminded me of that.
I'm talking about something much more specific, right?
Right. I mean, mine was, you know, like, I can't wait to meet you.
You're going to be very intelligent.
You're going to have a good sense of humor.
You're going to be wise.
And you're going to be psychologically sophisticated and knowledgeable.
And, you know, we're going to be able to teach each other.
And we're going to laugh all day long.
Like, I wrote this long thing.
And... It's Christina to a T. I swear to God, she was created by The Matrix because I wrote about it.
That's my general theory, but I'm not going to go into that.
She's the woman in fact, right?
Right. But it's important to shape our expectations in this way, right?
Otherwise, we're just like a pinball bouncing off attraction and rejection and restriction and all that kind of stuff, right?
Right, yeah. So write about what you want.
Oh. I think I actually started to do that, but I stopped.
Right. Right.
Well, I would suggest, and I think this is good advice too, right?
It's so important to start realigning our unconscious to the future and not to the past, right?
We don't want to drive through life with our eyes fiercely glued on the rearview mirror, right?
Right, yeah.
We really do want to begin to use our cognitive faculties not just to analyze and understand and sometimes obsess over the past, which we all do, but to help imagine and create the future, but to help imagine and create the future, to start aligning.
Because, you know, if you've come from a tough family, you're all about the past and the present, right?
Because it's just getting through the day, right?
Right, yeah.
Otherwise, like phoning a GI in combat and saying, what do you want in your retirement plan, right?
He's like, I'm just dodging bullets right now.
I could give a shit about my retirement plan, right?
Right. And so it's hard.
We have this scar tissue where we don't think about the future.
I think that's what my dreams were about.
Good. Oh, good.
So... When we do these mental exercises where we say, well, what do I want to be?
What do I want to do? Who do I want to meet?
What do I want my life to look like in 5 years or 10 years, 20 years, right?
That's very counter to what a lot of people are raised in, which is this chaos of the moment and trauma of the past, right?
Right, yeah. And so when we start doing these exercises which awaken that part of our brain that looks to the future...
That is to overcome that chaos and trauma, right?
or at least to start.
Right.
I still don't want to...
I know. I know.
I know. And you so do want to, because you're on this call, right?
Right. I mean, seriously, what did you think I was going to say about this thing?
I mean, you know, right? There's no such thing, right?
It's kind of annoying because it feels like I'm like, no, no, stop, go away, but I keep getting dragged forward by the philosophy, I guess.
Well, I would hope that at some point you'll get behind the wheel and stop being dragged, because that sort of sucks, right?
Right. Yeah, part of me just really doesn't want to.
I feel like I have no choice in it.
You mean about the being dragged forward thing?
Yeah. You have a total choice.
Right? You can get off this call or you can hang up right now.
You can contact Katie.
Let's get back together. You can refoo.
You can anything you want.
You can go in Tiki's Corps.
You can enlist in the army.
I think you can write whatever. - Am I there? - I am indeed.
I didn't know if you talked out.
No, no. I mean, you said that you had emotions that you wanted to go process.
Is there anything else that you wanted to add just now?
Was it helpful to what we talked about?
Is it useful? I don't mean fun, but...
Yeah, I just...
I think I need to figure out...
Yeah, it was useful, you bastard.
I just... Like, my behavior in the past couple days, I really want to figure that out.
I don't know if I could do this in this call, but yeah.
Yeah, well, a good way to figure it out is to apologize, right, to the people that you've wronged and see what you feel and get their feedback.
You don't have to do everything alone, right?
Right. All right.
Let us know how it goes.
Alright, thanks Steph.
Okay, talk to you soon. Well done.
Bye. Bye. Thank you.
▲
Export Selection