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Oct. 31, 2007 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
35:15
898 How to meet a nice girl!
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Good morning, everybody.
It's Stefan Molyneux from Free Domain Radio.
I hope that you're doing very well.
I have had a number of requests to do a podcast on...
How to meet a nice girl, because there are a lot of people out there who have a lot to offer in terms of love and beauty within their souls, but have a great deal of trouble finding a significant other with whom they can share the joys, trials, tribulations and excitement of life.
So I'm going to put forward some ideas, and I certainly have...
Swung both sides of the fence, so to speak, insofar as I've met a very nice, wonderful girl and married her.
It's amazing what begging and crying will do, not to mention the honeymoon.
But I've also met some not-so-nice girls, and I have a fair degree of proficiency in the not-nice-girl meeting arena, and then I have met a nice girl, and I thought that I would share some Of the secrets of my trade, so to speak.
And part of happiness, I believe, is a love relationship, a monogamous love relationship.
I think marriage is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
And so I don't believe that some people have written to me and said, well, monogamy is just insecurity, monogamy is just, you know, bourgeois, it's not cool, it's all that kind of stuff.
It's not the case.
I mean, it's not the case. If you have something beautiful, you don't share it, right?
I mean, if you have something beautiful, then you don't...
I wouldn't want my wife.
Sort of going and dating other guys because I really enjoy every moment that we spend together, so why would I want to share it?
I wouldn't want to collectivize my wife any more than I would my kidney.
So, I mean, unless my wife needed it.
But I thought that I would go through with you some of the steps that I went through.
To achieve a successful love relationship after having not done so for, I guess, about 20 years.
15, 17 years or whatever.
The first thing that you need to understand about love, or let's just say a relationship, and we'll get to the love part in a few minutes.
A relationship...
Will make you more of what you already are.
A relationship will make you more than you already are.
And that is so important to understand.
And to give you a scenario that is what would technically be called a disaster, If you are not happy, if you are not content, if you are not very pleased to be who you are, if you are not proud of yourself, in a positive way, not in a vain way, like, look at my golden locks, but in a really positive way.
Actually, I think that they are golden, if not locks.
There we go. I'm blonde.
I'm not. But you have to take joy in who you are, and the only way that you can take joy in who you are...
Is by acting in a manner that you're proud of, by acting in a virtuous and courageous manner.
And as you know, if you've watched these videos for a while, I don't define virtue in the way that the mealy-mouthed Christians do and the mealy-mouthed socialists do, which is, you know, be nice and take care of people and help the poor and help the sick and so on.
Those things are all fine.
But I view virtue like being virtuous is more like being these days.
It's like being a sheriff in the Wild West.
It is an exciting and often assertive, if not downright aggressive venture to be in.
And it is not for the faint of heart.
It is not a hand-wringing exercise in making yourself feel better.
It is fighting sometimes tooth and nail for that which is good, worthwhile, virtuous, and noble in the world.
So, you have to act for yourself, to yourself, in your own context, in a way that you are proud of, that you are proud of, that makes you feel that you are a worthwhile contributor to the human project of escaping from the fantasies that we have and getting to, dare I say it, yes, the ball truth of reality, which is a beautiful thing.
So, If you are not happy, if you are not proud of yourself, if you are not acting in a way that gives you a great deal of pride to be in your own skin, then a relationship will not help you.
In fact, a relationship will make all of that worse.
A relationship makes you more of what you already are, because a relationship is a mirror wherein you see your own self-esteem and your own habits So, if you have high and healthy self-esteem, if you really like who you are, if you're proud of who you are, then you will inevitably be drawn because self-esteem attracts like self-esteem.
You will inevitably be drawn to somebody else who has high self-esteem, who likes who they are, who she is, we'll just use the typical gender here, at least from my standpoint.
And so every day that you wake up, you look across the bed and you see somebody who also likes themselves and is happy to be who they are, and that enhances your own pleasure and joy in being who you are, right? So that is a good thing, right?
That's the carrot that makes the relationship challenges more than worthwhile.
On the other hand, if you're down about who you are, if you're depressed, if you're unhappy, if you're not joyful to be in your own skin, then you will never end up in a relationship with somebody who is happy to be in her own skin.
And in that case, the mirror that you will see in your relationship will be...
Somebody who's like you, right?
So you're looking in a mirror, and you amplify each other's positive or negative traits, and that's just the way that relationships work.
And so if you're not happy, you will end up in a situation where you will know deep down in your heart of hearts that You're not bringing a lot of positive stuff to the table.
Anybody who's willing to get into a relationship with you when you're not bringing a lot of positive stuff to the table is only doing so because she is not bringing a lot of positive stuff to the table.
So this mutual low self-regard or negative self-regard will reflect and amplify between you and will blow up the relationship.
There's no question of that.
That is absolutely inevitable.
Self-esteem attracts self-esteem.
Like self-esteem attracts like self-esteem.
If you have a false or hyperinflated view of yourself in a narcissistic or megalomaniacal way, then you will either attract somebody who's similar, but more likely you will attract somebody who's codependent or subservient in order to feed your inflated ego.
And that will also be a...
I mean, these things can last for decades if you want them to, so to speak, but...
It will not make you feel better.
You cannot expect a relationship to elevate you, to make you feel better, to give you validation.
You can't expect anything to do that except virtue.
And of course, everyone and their dog tries everything that can be imagined as a way of feeling better, other than, say, doing the basics of being a good, strong, courageous, noble human being to the best of your ability.
Everyone tries everything else.
We try money.
We try stuff, material goods.
We try status. We try looks.
We try cosmetic surgery.
We try dieting. We try all of these things to try and be somebody to love.
And the only thing that we can love, as I've argued many times, is virtue.
Love is our involuntary response to virtue, and it's differentiated from...
The bonding that occurs when we're children, which of course is shared by ducks with whatever they see when they first come out of the egg.
It can be an orange balloon, as some have pointed out.
So that's not love.
Love is our involuntary response to virtue.
And so you have to be good and you have to like yourself and you have to have definition, both of your values and your preferences, before you can have a relationship that's going to be anything other than, you know, mutually depressive hell.
I've been there too. So the first thing that you need to do when you're looking for someone to love is to look in the mirror.
I know this sounds all too Stuart Smiley for words, but Stuart Smiley, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people just like me.
But if you're looking for somebody to have a noble, beautiful, and proud love relationship with, then you need to look in the mirror first.
First, first, first. And until you can love that reflection, You can't love anybody.
And nobody can love you. And all that's going to happen is there's going to be this mutual, entrapped, low self-esteem dungeon in your relationships over and over.
So, you need to define the values in your life.
And I have some books which might help you with that regard if you'd like to pick them up.
I would appreciate it and I think you will appreciate it even more.
So, you need to define your values.
Now, there are two types of values that I'm going to talk about very briefly.
The first is...
The deal-breakers, the have-to-haves.
They're like, no kidding, you have to have this as the bare minimum.
I mean, if you want to be a writer, you have to be able to write.
You have to be able to read.
And the same thing would be true in certain kinds of relationships.
So, of course you have to have values like treating people well, who deserve it, and being just and strong with people who are problematic or difficult.
You have to have those basic values.
No abuse, obviously no physical violence, no addiction to illicit substances.
I would say generally no illicit substances, but I want to get into that debate again right now.
You have to have those basics.
I mean, those are just like the bare minimum.
If you want to build a house, you at least have to have a plot of land to build it on first, otherwise everything's going on just in your own head.
The plot of land in a relationship is...
I don't take character assassinations.
I take criticism, of course, but I don't take character assassinations because character assassinations, you know, where you have a fight with someone or you have a problem with someone and it degenerates into, you know, a yell fest or a scream fest or some kind of ugly interaction where you're not trying to win the point anymore.
You're just trying to tear the other person down.
That 19 times out of 20 guarantees the end of a relationship and the one that survives that 19 out of 20 is not a place you want to be.
So, those are sort of the bare minimum standards that you have to have in your approach to relationships.
And, like, if you want to be a doctor, the better minimum you have to have is accreditation as a doctor.
After that, you can be a good or bad doctor, but the bare minimum you have to have is accreditation.
So, that's the first thing that I would suggest focusing on, which is, what kind of behavior will I accept as valuable and not accept as non-valuable or as negative?
That's the first thing you have to define.
And some of that you can do objectively. There is the ethics of life, and then there is the aesthetics of life.
And the aesthetics of life are individual preferences that are not unimportant in a relationship, right?
I mean, you've got to have the basic virtue in consideration.
You just have to have.
I mean, you just can't go anywhere without that.
But, you know, once you say, well, okay, of course I need a car to have a road trip.
Now, what kind of car do I want?
Well... Is a convertible better than a minivan?
Well, it depends what you're doing. It depends what your preferences are.
It depends whether, like me, you like the feel of the wind going through your hair.
So, the aesthetics of life are important as well.
And these are things like, do you like to go out?
Do you like to stay in?
Do you like TV? Or do you like doing sudokus?
Or do you like crosswords? Or do you like scrabble?
Or do you like chess? Or do you like classical?
Or do you like rock? Or do you like trying new things?
Or do you like doing the same things?
All of these kinds of preferences How do you deal with money, right?
This is an essential question that people almost always fail to discuss in their relationships, particularly before they get married.
How is it that you like to spend money?
Nothing wrong with spending money, nothing wrong with saving money, right?
Nothing wrong with your level of financial risk, depending on what, as long as it's vaguely responsible, and you do whatever you like.
But there is a style to living as well.
Are you a high stimuli person?
Yes. Or do you like my videos?
It's more true than you think.
Do you like to read books or do you like to go to demolition derbies?
I mean, all of these kinds of things.
You have to define those things for yourself.
And this doesn't mean that you try to find somebody who is, you know, like you are the mold and they just pour themselves in and reproduce who you are.
I'm not talking about anything like that.
But you do have to have some sense of who you are, what your values are, both from a foundational ethics perspective.
And also, from an aesthetic standpoint, how is it that you want to raise your kids?
Are you more towards giving them really firm structure, or are you more towards letting them find their own way a little bit more?
This is not a moral thing.
I mean, obviously, no beating kids, no sending them to Bible camp or anything, but...
No getting them in public schools if you can conceivably avoid it.
But these things are important, right?
Where we have the non-moral but very important.
And of course, that is the very important stuff in a relationship.
Because where there's no moral agreement, you can't have a relationship.
You just don't get involved with people like that.
But where you have passed that sort of minimum bar, you need to know what it is your values are.
Because you're looking for compatibility.
you're looking for compatibility and if you don't know what you're trying to find compatibility with then you can't find compatibility right compatibility means someone who fits and works with my personality and that doesn't mean a mirror image it can be stuff which complements and even gets people out of particular habits in a productive way all of that can be possible But I need to know what my values are.
I need to know. I used to, gosh, many, many years ago, I worked in a hardware store when I was in my early teens.
And the guys would come in and they'd say, I want to make a key.
I'd bring in a key and you'd shave it down and so on.
And that's the same kind of thing.
Like, if you don't have a key, how are you going to find a lock?
I guess that's a fairly obvious metaphor.
How are you going to move that key in and out?
So, you have to know what it is you're trying to find compatibility with.
Because otherwise, there's nothing to be said, right?
There's nothing to be said. Otherwise, you're like a career counselor and someone comes in and says, I want to do something.
And you say, well, what is it you like?
And they say, well, I don't know, but tell me what career I want.
It's like, well, if you don't know what you're good at or what you like, what your preferences are, then there's no possibility of finding somebody who's compatible.
Because compatible with what?
Right? So you have to work on defining your own values and your own standards of behavior.
You have to work through your childhood.
I mean, lordy, lordy, lordy, we all had pretty bad childhoods.
Some not as bad as me, others worse than me, and so on.
You have to work through your childhood.
I started working on my marriage when I was 18 or 19 years old and picked up Nathaniel Brandon's The Psychology of Self-Esteem and began to have some respect for my emotions and not just be this brain in a carbon-based tank who thought and thought and thought and didn't feel.
I, of course, grew up with the I guess, then-British method of dealing with the emotions, which was repression.
Well, suppression followed by repression.
So, you have to find...
You have to start working on your values.
You have to clear the channels of communication that you have with yourself, so that you're not defensive with yourself, so that you don't reject your own emotions, but treasure them and value them, even the ones that are, quote, negative.
You have to start doing all of that stuff.
Working on a relationship is the final effect, right?
That's the Olympics. And to get to the Olympics, you need to do a lot of preparation.
This myth, love at first sight, you're going to walk into some bar somewhere, and you're going to find someone who everything's going to be easy, you don't have to do the work.
I mean, that is just a mad myth, and it's propagated by people who want to exploit you, right?
Who don't want to do the work themselves.
So don't get sucked into that myth.
That's a bad myth.
That is a very bad myth.
And you wouldn't say that in any other sphere, right?
That you wouldn't say, oh, you know, if you're planning for your retirement, you wouldn't say, oh, you never need to save anything.
You never need to work.
You never need to defer gratification.
Go spend, blow all your money, and so on.
And what's going to happen, you see, is some rich uncle you've never heard of is going to die, and then he's going to send you a million dollars, and you'll be able to retire on that, and blah, blah, blah.
I mean, nobody would say that. Nobody would say when it comes to determining a career, well, you know, just go out and work at a bunch of temp jobs and do this and do that, and one day somebody's just going to hand you...
The CEO of a company ship or whatever.
I mean, that's not how you would approach anything else in life.
So, of course, why would you not approach looking for a love relationship with the same degree of rigor?
Because it gives you the greatest degree of joy to have that.
It is the gateway through which almost everything is possible.
Certainly what I'm doing here could not at all be achieved without my wife, both in terms of her financial support to get me started, And in terms of her emotional support and intellectual support in helping me stay on course and so on.
And I mean, it's mutual. I mean, I supported her when she started her business at home.
So that's the kind of thing.
Two plus two is a million, not four.
So it's really all about working on yourself and your own particular preferences, right?
So, then, let's just sort of fast forward through all of that, if you don't mind.
I'm sure you can watch this again if you need to.
But then the question is, sort of, where do you meet these nice girls?
Well, I'm kind of suspicious of online stuff.
I don't really have much experience.
I think I went on one date with a woman I met online.
So, I'm not a big fan of it, because I just don't think that there's enough...
Key or clear information that you can get out of that.
I am a large fan of clubs.
Not the caveman kind, but the social kind, right?
So, you know, if, I mean, I met my wife at a volleyball league, right?
And, right, like you know.
I met my wife at a volleyball league, and so what did I know?
Well, I knew that she had social skills because she was on a team.
I knew that she was athletic.
I knew that she was sporty.
I knew that she liked to get out of the house.
I also knew that, since she wasn't very good, I also knew that she liked to try new things.
And of course, getting married to me involves a pretty high risk tolerance.
I was unemployed when we met and had been for a year and a half because voluntarily I was working on books.
So, oh, that reminds me.
Look at my book.
It's lovely. This is The God of Atheists.
This is the novel I was working on that my wife helped me enormously.
I've mentioned it before, but it's out.
It is a fantastic, fantastic book.
You really, really do have to get a hold of this.
It is funny. It is going to quote from the review.
It said, Is it impossible to resist quoting passages from this novel, given the author's brilliant insights into character, wonderful literary flourishes, and stunning demonstration of what is meant by inspired writing?
It's pretty cheap, and it's a great read.
It's a lengthy read, but I think it's very enjoyable, and I think you will get some great stuff out of it, and I think it'll really make you laugh and really make you think.
So if you've ever been in university, if you work at all in the technology fields, or if you've ever been in a boy band, which may be a slightly smaller percentage of the listenership, really, you've got to get a hold of this book.
I think you'll really love it.
So you can get it in PDF or in hard copy.
Yeah, it's pretty cheap. And if you don't like it, I'll give you your money back.
No risk for you.
Just grab the book and read it.
So... If you are an active person, then join a hiking club.
Join a gym. Go talk to people at your gym.
And you have to...
This is a slightly, you could say, sexist thing or approach that I have, but I think it's true.
Maybe it's different in the newer, sort of the younger, younger generation, but it certainly was not true in my generation.
Women like the stuff like going to work and so on, getting educated, which is fantastic.
But they've never been so keen on taking the whole asking someone out thing.
That's still the guy's job. And I mean, it's important that it's a guy's job, right?
And it's just not going to change, I would suggest, right?
So you just have to take your heart in your hands and you just have to go up and talk to women.
I mean, there's just no substitute for that.
There's no substitute. You just have to go and talk to women.
And for God's sake...
Don't just go and talk to the prettiest girl in the room.
That is insulting at every fundamental level.
And I've been what I call in the god of atheists a blut or a beauty slut where I'll just, you know, go and talk to the most attractive girl in the room.
And then, of course, I would get upset if she then decided to go out with a guy who was more handsome than I was.
And I'd say, geez, how shallow of her.
Well, of course, the only reason I picked her to talk to was because I was a shallow son of a bitch who just went for looks and looks alone.
And that is just stupid.
If you're a guy, how do you feel if the woman says, oh, I don't date anybody who doesn't have a Maserati or a Ferrari or some sort of...
I only date people who make more than 150k a year.
You'd think, well, what a shallow gold-digging witch, right?
Well... Don't be a shallow, flesh-digging bastard, right?
Don't be the guy who just goes for the prettiest girl in the room.
That is understandable biologically, but that's the same as binge eating.
It's just unhealthy, and it's insulting for the women who do the right thing and work on their personality, their generosity, their inner beauty.
You know, screw beauty from a physical standpoint.
Screw, or rather don't.
Screw beauty. But you've got to not...
Focus on that.
I know it's hard. It can be sometimes as tough as resisting the dessert tray, but you've got to, got to, got to, got to, got to not focus on beauty.
Now, there are things, you know, if the woman is obese that may be body image issues and so on, which may be a little too hard to work with, but you've got to find the inner beauty in someone because, I mean, obviously looks are going to fade and looks, five days around looks, you don't even really notice them that much anymore, but You've got to look beyond the obvious advertising of mere flesh and physical appearance and whatever, right?
I mean, you've got to.
If you want to be happy, if you...
I think my wife now is an absolutely gorgeous woman, but neither she nor I, when we first saw each other, were at all attracted to each other physically, right?
Because she doesn't like really great-looking gay.
But we just weren't attracted to each other physically, and the reason that we got together was because I just had my first book published, and I was over the moon and happy and joyful and so on.
And she was interested, and of course she practices psychology, so that was of interest to me.
Lord knows I was paying for it at the time.
No, I'm kidding. I was done by then.
Oh, no, no, I was just finishing. So that's a really, really important aspect.
And women are insane this way.
I mean, with all due respect, women are both retarded and insane when it comes to looks.
But we really help make them that way by only focusing on looks as guys.
And It's just a bad idea.
Looks aren't going to raise your kids.
Looks aren't going to bring you soup when you're sick.
Looks aren't going to rub your neck when your neck is sore.
Looks aren't going to help review your books or listen to your podcasts or whatever.
What is going to do that is a good and beautiful and wonderful soul, which is not dependent upon looks.
In fact, looks can be seen Excuse me.
Lux can be seen almost as a curse upon the very soul because it mutates and warps people's perception of reality.
So, I mean, that's just a self-discipline that you have to get down to.
If you want. I'm not saying that, you know, good-looking women can't be great people.
I guess, theoretically, they could.
But it's just a really, really, really bad...
Criteria to want to date someone based on.
And people say, oh, well, there's got to be chemistry.
No, there does not have to be chemistry.
What you want is love.
Lust is not going to get you there.
Because lust can grow out of love.
As I said, my wife and I did not find each other attractive when we first met.
But that grew immensely and beautifully over time.
And now there's like no sexier, more beautiful woman in the world.
For me. And I think objectively too, but that's just me.
So, that's just sort of another fundamental thing.
You know, just don't sort of scan the room looking for the hottest girl and then zero in on her.
I mean, it's just setting yourself up for disaster.
It's just setting yourself up for disaster.
Because you can't love looks.
You can lust after looks.
You can enjoy looks as a status symbol.
But you can't love looks.
Any more than you can have an engaging and passionate affair with a painting.
I mean, you just can't. You just can't.
You can love hell and somebody who keeps himself healthy and trim and all that kind of stuff.
But you can't love looks.
And that desire or feeling that people have is very, very destructive.
And it's destructive to women, too.
It's one of the harshest things that we do to women is to focus on their looks.
And women do it to guys more so now, too.
So, that's sort of another thing.
And I guess, I mean, the last thing that I would sort of talk about, those are practical things you could do, like join the clubs that match your interests, but first define your interests.
And then you have to listen to the woman when she's talking to you.
You have to listen to the woman when she's talking to you because she will tell you everything that you need to know about her within the first 30 seconds to a minute.
Is there eye contact? Is she positive?
Is she happy? Do you feel grounded or do you feel giddy?
Do you feel excited and confused or do you feel calm and focused?
How is it that you feel in the presence of this person?
And really drink in that person, what they're putting out, what they say and what they do.
Do they seem to have a short, brittle laugh?
Do they appear to be bitter?
Do they appear to be angry?
Do they appear to be tense?
Do they appear to be really shy, like cripplingly so?
Or you've got to feel that because you will get the woman's soul within the first few minutes, if not shorter, you could get it in the first 10 seconds of meeting them.
You will know exactly who they are.
And that doesn't mean that there's no mystery or things that you learn further on.
Because the amazing thing in a long-term monogamous relationship is, you know, if you stay single, you get to date 20, 30 people, maybe your whole life.
But when you're married to someone and you have a strong love bond and you're growing and challenging each other and it's beautiful, then you get to date thousands of people because you're both constantly changing and growing.
Monogamy is polygamy.
The infinite polygamy, nearly.
So, you know, really listen.
And the other thing, too, is that...
When you have worked on yourself and you've opened up your own channels to communicate to other people, to be happy, to be joyful, to be thrilled, to be enthusiastic, to be all of those kinds of things, then what you do is you kind of irradiate the problematic or troublesome people, right?
So if you throw yourself into whatever it is that you're doing with mad enthusiasm, and I'm a big fan of mad enthusiasm, then what's going to happen is people who dislike enthusiasm...
They won't, like Will, try and put you down.
They'll roll their eyes. They'll pretend to be embarrassed.
Or if they're British, they'll label your behaviors cringeworthy.
Oh, he's so cringeworthy. And that's great.
That's absolutely great.
Be passionate. Be positive.
Be happy. Because if you are happy, then what will happen is when you start talking to people who are depressed, they will get resentful and withdraw.
Fantastic. Just saved you a whole lot of time and a whole lot of money.
Because when you're enthusiastic, positive, and happy in a situation, whoever is drawn to you is going to be, fundamentally, the same way.
And that's what you want. If you come up to someone and say, Hey, how's it going?
Yeah, I'm okay. I'm a little tired.
I just couldn't sleep last night.
Thoughts keep racing. I don't have to focus on anything.
Blah, blah, blah. Well, if somebody's going to respond to you positively that way, run!
Don't do it. Don't get involved, right?
Because that means that they're like, ooh, here's someone like me, or here's someone who's never going to be a challenger.
Here's someone who I can really understand and get along with.
Well, you don't want somebody like that in your life.
Because two depressed people make two really depressed people.
I don't make one happy person or two happy people.
So you come across positive, you come across focused, you come across engaged, and you listen.
And you see how you feel, and that is an unerring way, once you've cleared up your own emotional baggage and so on, it's an unerring way to figure out what is going to work for you in life, what is going to be positive for you in life.
And you want to put forward a positive demeanor.
This all sounds very silly, but it's very, very important.
You have to put forward a positive and happy demeanor.
Not a fake one, because if you're faking it, then don't do it, right?
Because then you'll just get people who like to fake things, and your relationship will be an endless series of three's company-like misunderstandings, but without the laughter and Without the phone.
So that's a very, very important aspect.
You know, figure out who you are, your basic values, the things that you will and will not accept in a relationship.
And then figure out your aesthetics and make your decisions about where to go.
If you like cooking, then join a cooking club and go in and cook with gusto and enthusiasm.
And then anybody who responds positively to that is somebody that you want to get to know more.
I mean, once you've figured out who you are and what your values are, then it's actually quite easy because the problem with just going out with anybody is the massive inefficiency.
I mean, you'd never do that in any other area of your life.
You'd never just go and take random jobs to see what you liked and then spend a year or two in each job and you just obviously would never get a career going and the odds of you finding something that works really well.
You figure out what you like and then you start to focus on doing that for a living, right?
I mean, you have to invest in a career that takes a long time to pay off, at least it did in my case, but you have to focus on that kind of stuff.
And the same thing is true of relationships.
You have to figure out what you want as a bare minimum and what you want as an aesthetic positive.
And then you need to put yourself in situations where like-minded people of the opposite or same-sex, if you want, are likely to be around.
And then you need to approach them in a positive manner, in an enthusiastic manner, in a curious manner.
You need to listen to them. I guarantee you that that will find you somebody, if somebody is to be found, that will find you somebody very quickly, once you get that preparation.
Done. That will find you somebody very quickly.
But, you know, it's a lot of preparation in order to, you know, you want to do the ready in life.
Ready, aim, fire.
Don't just... I mean, it's not what hunters do.
You don't just shoot randomly in the sky and hope to hit something useful.
Right? They prepare, they practice, they aim, and so on.
Sorry to use these hunting metaphors for dating, but it's the same kind of thing, right?
If you want to cook a great meal, you know, just sort of grab a whole bunch of stuff from the kitchen, you know, frozen peas in their plastic wrapper, a couple of cups, and a spatula, and say, hey, look, it's...
The worst soup on the planet, right?
I mean, what you do is you say, okay, you pick your recipe, you go get the ingredients, you might practice a couple of times.
You don't just randomly go out and do things, but that's how most people approach dating, and that's why it doesn't work.
It's not a project. It's not a project like a cold plan or anything, but you have to figure out what it is that you want.
You have to put yourself in situations where those people are going to likely be the same.
You're not going to meet somebody in a bar.
You're not likely to meet somebody online.
You're not going to meet someone in rehab.
I mean, if you are, it's gonna be a complete disaster, right?
And a wedding is a real scattershot, right?
Everybody goes to weddings, right?
So you don't really know what's focused on.
But figure out what you like.
Figure out what the criteria are for you for a happy and productive and positive relationship.
Go to places where like-minded people are likely to be there.
And then approach them enthusiastically.
And that is going to cut down your scattershot approach to dating or finding the right person.
You know, if you like to debate, join the debating club.
If you like to talk, join Toastmasters.
Whatever it is. You go and find like-minded people.
Except libertarian groups, which are all dudes.
But, unless you're a dude-to-dude guy.
Man-to-man action libertarians are good for.
But, not so much the Christian ones, though.
Actually, no, if you want the kinky stuff.
Anyway, we can come back to that another time.
So, that would be my suggestion on how to find somebody nice.
It really starts with yourself.
It starts with being really happy with yourself.
Being open and enthusiastic and, you know, be willing to be rejected, be willing to be shot down, right?
I mean, it's better to, you know, it's better to be shot down than to never stand up.
And you, of course, when you approach somebody in a positive way, you're never not going to be afraid.
You're never not going to be nervous.
But you can approach it in an open way.
Of course, if you're too nervous, that's probably for the right reason, right?
So when I was really nervous in approaching women, it was because I was approaching them out of vanity and looking for arm candy and so on.
Unfortunately, so were they, so I didn't get to be the candy man.
But that would be my suggestion.
Approach this at a project, start from the inside out, figure out your values, put yourself in those situations, and approach people with positivity and joy.
And that will absolutely get you where you want to be in the fastest and most efficient and most productive and happiest manner possible.
Thank you so much for watching, as always.
Please, drop by Free Domain Radio, pick up your copy of The God of Atheists.
This is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful book.
I think that it will really open your mind, open your heart, and, of course, it will be a great thing to talk about with whoever you meet.
Thank you for watching, as always.
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