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April 10, 2007 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
31:49
704 Self Expression
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Good morning, everybody. Hope you're doing well.
It's Steph. Sorry about the jiggly video yesterday.
The two-sided tape was a little bit loose on the old dashboard cam.
So, sorry about that.
I think it's fixed, but we shall see.
So, I wanted to talk about...
This is going to be a bit of a delicate subject, so I will try to...
Treat it with the utmost caution and respect.
And naturally, the cynical among you, which I would not gainsay the validity of, may feel that this is entirely too self-interested on my part.
But really, it's not.
I mean, it is, but it's not the reason that I wanted to talk about it.
And also, I'm not trying to manipulate or bully or I think that there's a very interesting phenomenon that occurred when I was on vacation that I think is well worth looking at.
Because this relationship that we have, and believe me, even if you've never emailed or called into the Sunday shows or had any contact with me or anyone else about Free Domain Radio whatsoever, I guarantee you that what you and I have is a very close relationship.
I mean, we can't...
Be rooting around the cellar's bowels and very depths of thought together without developing a very close relationship.
In fact, I would say that you and I probably have the closest relationship of just about anybody else in your life and that we are actually talking about things that matter, things that are important.
And sometimes Things that are emotionally sticky or exciting.
And so I wanted to talk about a phenomenon that I noticed when I was on vacation because I wanted to open up opportunities for you to think about things or your relationships in a different kind of way.
So let me start off by pointing out that the donations dropped off quite considerably when I was on vacation.
Now, I was quite conscious of saying that I'm going on vacation, that I'm going to a nice resort, and that I'll be gone for two weeks, and so on.
And I was aware of doing that, and I was also aware that that might be considered volatile.
And also that people, listeners, may think, well...
I don't want to donate for the guy to have another margarita down by the beach.
That's not what I'm donating for.
I'm donating for his podcast.
And when he's not doing podcasts, I'm not going to donate.
I mean, this is possible.
I mean, it's just that the donations had reached sort of the lowest level ever since the beginning when I went on vacation.
And I'm going to put some thoughts out there about this.
And, you know, don't worry about donating.
It doesn't matter whether you pay or not.
It doesn't matter. What I think is important in this area is...
A way of getting...
Feedback and a way of changing, possibly, you know, if it's worth something to you, of changing how you are in relationships.
And I would suggest that it would be an improvement that would really help your relationships.
Or if you've taken the free domain radio, a lonely cruise to philosophical excellence, then the relationships that you have in the future can be more beneficial.
So one of the things that occurs in therapy, not that this is therapy per se, I swear on logic that this is not criticism,
this is not a money grab, donate or don't, but I wanted to point out Ways in which I think this shows something very interesting about relationships and it's something that I had to learn years ago that was hard for me to learn but has resulted in enormously positive Things in my relationship, enormously positive ways of interacting with others in my relationships.
Well, most particularly my wife.
So I'm going to sort of put this out there.
And yes, you can think it's a money grab.
Yes, you can think it's me complaining and nagging.
I absolutely understand that.
Listen to the end and then see if this sort of makes sense to you or helps in any way.
So, first and foremost, when...
I mean, I'm sensitive to donations because, obviously, money is good, but also because it tells me what is most valuable in what it is that I'm doing.
And when I go on vacation and the donations drop off, I'm aware that people financially don't like me going on vacation.
Or they feel, well, Steph's on vacation, he's not producing podcasts, so I'm not going to donate.
And that's very interesting.
That's very interesting, and I think can be very helpful in your relationships to sort of look at this from a number of different ways.
First and foremost, this is what I would invite you to try on, just as an idea.
And again, don't reach for your visa or your checkbook, because it's not about that fundamentally.
It's about being self-expressed and being free in a relationship.
If you were going to donate when I was on vacation, but then you hear, oh, he's on vacation, so I'm not going to donate, which is the only logical explanation that I can come up with as to why donations dropped off so much.
Then, clearly, since I prefer donations to non-donations, you are saying, Steph, you are doing something that I dislike.
But you're not saying it explicitly.
The only comment that I got about being on vacation and asking for money was one person wrote on the board, Slightly snarky, but then I'm one to talk.
Wrote on the board, oh yeah, Steph's sitting in a resort in the Dominican Republic asking us for donations.
And obviously there was a certain amount of, not quite bitterness, but a certain amount of eye-rolling.
Like, who does this guy think he is sitting in a hammock and asking me to fork over my hard-earned cash when he's not even producing donations?
But this is the kind of feedback that I think is quite essential for you to get.
Because I really want you, knowing that philosophy can lead you to a very lonely...
Or rather can reveal that the place you've always been is very lonely.
I want to give you the tools to be able to develop the truly intimate relationships that philosophy is capable of providing.
Philosophy fundamentally is about love.
Truth is a means. Love is a means and in the end it's about happiness.
So this is really my attempt to give you feedback that might help get you to a place where your relationships...
Are truly joyful.
So, if I'm doing something that you dislike, and that's the only reason why donations would have dipped while I was away, in that I was away and wasn't producing podcasts, so people who would have donated if I was producing podcasts did not donate because I wasn't producing podcasts,
or at least not as many. So, clearly, you would prefer that I would be producing podcasts, and I wasn't producing podcasts, so I was doing something that you disliked.
Now, it also may be the case that if I had taken two weeks off and spent it at home, I don't know, preparing for Free Domain Radio, as if I wasn't doing that on vacation...
Then you might have donated even if I wasn't producing podcasts.
In which case it would be that Steph the lazy greedy bum is rolling around on a resort and is asking me...
To donate money to him.
So maybe it wasn't just that I displeased you by not producing podcasts.
It may also be that I displeased you with my unbridled arrogance and greed of asking for donations while I was on vacation.
And there could be other reasons which we don't have to get into.
The reasons may be as individual as the non-donator's motives.
But for some reason, And I think those two may cover the majority of it.
For some reason, people felt, well, Steph's on vacation, so I'm not going to donate.
And again, forget about the donations.
Doesn't matter about the donations.
What I'm concerned about is your self-expression in a relationship.
So, this is what I would suggest as a possibility in your relationships.
And to me, this would be a kind of freedom.
Which is that... If I'm doing something that you dislike, or if I am doing something that offends you, i.e.
asking for money when I'm on vacation, then tell me.
Well, that's actually it.
That's the whole podcast. But it's really important.
It's really important to understand this.
I would suggest that not donating because I'm doing something that displeases you and not telling me that is a symptom, a possible symptom.
I'm reaching.
Maybe I'm reaching into the rabbit hole and I'll actually grab a nice chocolate bunny.
It could be a symptom of how you are in relationships.
It could be. And so from that standpoint Wouldn't it be fascinating or interesting to look at it from this perspective?
I would have donated.
Steph is on vacation.
Therefore, and it could just be like donating for you is like a grudging, well, he keeps whining about it, so let's throw a few bucks at the BCF. So maybe it's like, oh, he's on vacation, you know, like when your boss goes on vacation or something, you're like, oh, great, I don't have to stay until 8 o'clock every night.
In which case, the nature of obligation may not be perfectly clear to you, in which case we could talk about that another time and you can let me know what the case is.
But I'm perfectly willing to accept the possibility that me asking for money while I'm on vacation is the height of...
Hubris, arrogance and greed and blindness and manipulation and whatever.
It could be that I was like the completely biggest jerk in the world for asking for money when I'm on vacation or when I'm going on vacation.
But! But, but, but!
But! But!
I think that we have a close enough relationship that if I'm doing something That is totally jerky.
That you've got my back.
That you've got my back.
That you're covering me. And I'm not saying you have to have a 12-hour phone call with me.
Just fire me off an email.
And say, Steph-O-Rama, you greedy capitalist fat cat pig.
If you think that me, who's working as a wage slave at McDonald's for 60 hours a week, is going to shove you a couple of bucks while you're lounging around in a resort in the Dominican Republic, think again.
And even asking for money while you're on vacation is completely ridiculous and just shows how out of touch you are with things and how greedy you are and I can't believe it and blah, blah, blah, blah.
I would totally welcome those emails.
As you've noticed, when people send me emails, and to the degree with which I can, and I'll be able to do more of this when I'm working on this full-time, it's just I can't read in the car, are, at least not without getting lots of emails from people thinking I'm about to die a flaming death, other than just suntanning.
I try to watch other people's backs, right?
So if people are doing things that I think are self-destructive or difficult or dangerous, or if they're asking for something, Or even if they're doing something on the board or any time that I have awareness of somebody who's doing something that I think is not positive or shows something negative, then I try to watch their back.
I'll try and talk about it with them.
Rightly or wrongly, I'll try and cover them and do my best to have them understand about at least what I think is something in their behavior that's going to cause them unhappiness or that could be changed for the better or whatever.
And that's sort of what I'm doing now.
I would say that if you're in any relationship that you're in, if somebody does something that displeases you and all you do is withdraw, then your relationships are not going to be very satisfying.
Do you see why it's not about the money?
I would actually be more pleased, I would have been more pleased, If I'd have gotten 50 emails telling me what a jerk I was, maybe not quite in those terms, but telling me that it was the wrong thing to do to ask for money on vacation, I would have been more pleased than that from any of the money I would have gotten on vacation because it would have meant that people were watching my back.
That if I was doing something, I don't think I was, but if I was doing something jerky or greedy or blind or presumptive or whatever, that people would be watching my back.
But with some exceptions, which were great, it was almost all subscription donations.
Only 18 bucks a month.
50 cents a day. Less than half of the price of a coffee.
About a third of the price of a coffee a day.
For an hour and a half of philosophy.
That's not bad. Imagine if you could watch a movie you wanted.
That was an hour and a half.
That was only 50 cents.
Wouldn't that be great? This is better than a movie.
Philosophy in motion.
On the road again.
Because that would mean that people were aware that I was doing something that displeased them.
I think I got two donations in two weeks, and that's very, very low.
And those were from people who, I believe, if I remember correctly, those were from people who were earlier on in the podcast.
No, sorry, one was from a long-time listener and one was from somebody who was listening earlier.
So it was a significant drop.
And I'm not talking to people who have donated in the past or were caught up or anything like that.
But I am talking to everyone...
Who thought that I was doing something that displeased them, either by taking a vacation or asking for money on that vacation, and who didn't tell me that.
Do you see what I'm asking for?
If someone does something that displeases you, and you're in a relationship with them, and all you do is withdraw, and you don't voice that criticism or that correction, and you don't voice that criticism or that correction,
That's not a loving act, and I'm not saying you've got to love the YouTube video or, you know, hump the WAV file or the MP3, but it's an important thing to understand.
If someone does something that displeases you or offends you or upsets you, Tell them.
Tell them.
Because then you have freedom in a relationship.
And this is advanced stuff.
I'm aware that this is advanced stuff.
But this is essential.
It's about being self-expressed in a relationship.
And we do have a relationship. And I think the sensitivity and sometimes tenderness and sometimes firmness with which I approach these kinds of communications and the respect that I have for my listeners should give you that freedom to tell me that I'm being a jerk.
In some manner or another.
Now the reason, for the most part, the reason that we tend not to Express our discontent with someone in a relationship.
It's because we don't know how to do it without sounding or being angry.
And that has one of two effects, right?
Either the other person gets angry back, or three I guess.
The other person gets angry back Or the other person withdraws, as people did with me.
Or people get contemptuous, right?
If they're older siblings and have a lot of power and we get angry at them, they're like, oh, well, I guess you've got your knickers in a twist, haven't you?
What's the matter? Or as my brother used to do when I would get angry at him, he'd say, well, I guess I've touched a nerve, haven't I? It's very interesting that this makes you so upset.
Why do you think that is?
Cheap ass, psychologizing.
So when someone does something that bothers us based on our own histories, withdrawal seems to be the best option, seems to be the most reasonable option, seems to be the option that is going to incur the least problems,
the least number of problems. And I would invite you into the possibility or suggest the possibility that that is not a good strategy anymore.
That is really not a good strategy as an adult to withdraw when there's a problem in a relationship or someone's doing something that bothers you.
Because on the other side, it sort of feels manipulative.
So I go on vacation and donations fall off a cliff.
I know that people are upset with me.
I know. I mean, I know. I'm not an idiot.
At least not in this.
I know that people are upset with me.
Or think I'm a jerk for asking for money while lying on a hammock.
Let me just mention two things about that.
I don't want to sound defensive, but I worked a lot on Freedom Aid Radio on vacation.
Christina and I had hours of conversations about it.
I've got some excellent things.
I've got what it is I want to do next.
I've got the way forward. I've got a way of funding.
And I also have the next book that I want to write, which we talked about a lot as well.
Also, I'm working an extra two months, and two weeks of that is what paid for the vacation.
It doesn't come from donations.
The money is coming from the extra two months of work that I'm doing.
And it's my present to myself, so it's not like I hoovered up the donation account and just went giddy and mad on vacation.
And there's other reasons.
I mean, working a job and a half for a year and a half with very little time off is quite a challenge, and it's quite draining.
There's a lot of work, this.
And so I don't view vacation as not being productive.
I view vacation as essential to productivity.
If you constantly rev a motor and never turn it off, motor's going to burn out.
Part of the productivity of a motor is turning it off.
Part of the productivity of a car is getting the oil changed.
So I went on vacation and I got lubed.
It's part of productivity, and I don't have this whole Protestant thing like, it's bad not to work.
It's required not to work.
It's required not to work.
That is productivity. I mean, you rest before a marathon, right?
Otherwise you can't run. They don't run a marathon and then turn around and run a marathon.
You run a marathon, you rest, recuperate, stretch, train, and then you run another marathon.
So vacation is essential to productivity.
It's essential to what it is that I do.
So I just sort of wanted to point that stuff out.
But I would invite you into the possibility that there are other ways of expressing discontent or disagreement with someone.
Because if you don't, you never figure out if you're right or wrong with the disapproving of someone.
Or disapproving of something that someone does.
Someone that you care about. You don't get to have a discussion about what it means to disapprove of something that someone does.
You don't get to dig into the roots and figure out where it's coming from and what it means and ways in which it could be handled differently.
Because if I am doing something that's greedy or jerky or wrong or something, I'd like to know.
I'd like to know. To me, it would be a caring thing for you to tell me.
Are you obligated to tell me?
No. Because it's not about your obligation to me.
It's not about your obligation to me.
I mean, this is as true of donations as it is of communicating with someone that you disapprove of something they're doing.
It's not about your obligation to me.
It's about being happy.
And there's no obligation to be happy.
It's just more fun, frankly.
It's just better all around to be happy.
Who wouldn't want that if they could?
You don't donate because you're obligated to me.
You donate because you want to be happy.
And as I've mentioned before, donations will automatically increase the power of philosophy in your life.
Because you're saying, let's say you subscribe, you're saying the values, philosophical values, rational ethics and so on, is worth at least a third of the price of a cup of coffee every day for me.
So it's worth something to you.
Choosing between, say, virtue and caffeine, you're probably still in the balance.
But at least it's worth something to you.
If you don't donate, then your unconscious just says, okay, well, this is just a game.
We're not taking this very seriously, not even a third of the price of a cup of coffee a day.
So we're just going to enjoy these like they're entertainment, and they're not going to have any particular effect in our life.
Let me just do my merge.
So if it's true that people did donate not donate because they were disapproving of something that I was doing or because they felt they were off the hook or because they thought I was a big jerk or something, then I'm going to offer up to you, my then I'm going to offer up to you, my friends, I'm gonna offer up a possible way of and I sort of was tongue-in-cheek saying, oh, Steph's being a jerk, I mean, that's not what you say.
I mean, you can say it, it's just not going to work, right?
It's not going to get you what you want, it's not going to make you happy.
This is a way I can suggest of how to approach this issue.
If I'm doing something that you disapprove of, what you can do is you can tell me the truth.
If you feel like I'm being a jerk, then the truth is not that I'm being a jerk.
It might be the truth, but it's not proven by you feeling that I'm a jerk.
Any more than the existence of God is proven by somebody feeling that there is a God.
If you feel that I'm being a jerk, then the honest way to communicate that is to say, you know, Steph, it's odd. then the honest way to communicate that is to say, I've enjoyed your podcast, think you've got some integrity, some good stuff to say.
You go on vacation and suddenly I feel resentful.
I feel that you're being greedy.
I feel that you're... Right?
Whatever. That is such an incredible thing to hear.
To be on the receiving end of that is never a problem for any decent human being.
Because it's curiosity.
You're curious about your own feelings.
You're willing to take feedback. I say this all the time with Christina.
I could be wrong. This is sort of what I feel.
There was something awry here.
I don't know if it's good or bad.
But I sort of felt that something went kind of odd here.
And we talk about it.
If I feel Christina is being insensitive in some regard or another, which occasionally she can do, as all of us can, then I don't say, you're just insensitive, because that's just volatile and inflammatory and not true, because she's not.
In general, it's very much a foo shadow that causes that.
I say, I feel sort of like you're not listening in a way, or I feel like you're dismissing or avoiding the topic.
Don't worry, that horn is not at me.
me, just some idiot went splashing around the right head side here.
So if you were to write to me, and this is how you get out of the problem of either just passively withdrawing and expressing disapproval in a manipulative and foggy kind of way.
Like, I've got to try and figure out, what does it mean that there are no donations?
No one's talking to me. Is it...
Whatever. What's their understanding of our relationship?
Did the podcast suddenly not have value?
Do I not have to pay for a Tom Cruise movie because Tom Cruise is currently on vacation and he made the movie a month ago?
I mean, right?
What does it mean?
I don't know. I've got to sort of try and figure it out, right?
It puts a lot of burden on me.
If 50 or 100 or 1,000 people write to me and say, Oh my God, I can't believe you.
I feel so upset at you.
I feel upset that you're not podcasting.
I feel upset that you asked for money.
What do you think? What do you think of these feelings?
This is what I think of them.
Because that's honesty. That's honesty.
That's integrity. That's clarity and communication.
And that's freedom. The truth is freedom.
The truth sets you free. And if I'm doing something that bothers you, Then the truth is that I'm doing something that bothers you.
Not that I'm bothersome.
That's the leap that people make in the religious sense.
I feel this, therefore.
It's true, right? But if you disconnect those two things, then an enormous amount of freedom and positive communication can result.
If you say, I feel it, I don't know if it's true, but this is what I feel.
Then I think some absolutely wonderful and amazing things occur out of that.
Because that's the truth. People feel there is a God, there is no God.
People feel that gravity works, gravity does work, right?
The feelings are not always incorrect.
And the way out of this trap of, if I feel upset at someone, then I have to treat them as a bad person.
That's a religious approach to relationships and creates an enormous amount of stress and turmoil and unhappiness and frustration and anger and bitterness and recrimination and tension and fear.
It's just a complete mess, making that religious leap from feeling to truth.
Real freedom comes from speaking the truth and acting on the truth.
And what that means in this context, and again, donations, who cares, right?
Even your relationship with me is important, but not nearly as important as obviously your relationship with those around you who are close to you.
But... I'm stopped at a traffic light.
But having this freedom to speak the truth in your relationships and to say, what you're doing makes me upset.
I feel upset about what you're doing or not doing or whatever, not podcasting or whatever other reason there was for people to not donate.
I would prefer those emails even to money.
Because that would mean that what we're talking about here is really gaining traction with people.
That self-expression and the communication of truth in a relationship is really taking root.
And that is more important to me than money.
Don't get me wrong. I like the money. I've got to eat.
But that kind of freedom and self-expression, that philosophy in action, to me is much more powerful than mere money.
So, this is not a nag.
This is not go write a check.
I mean, this is, just think about this, that withdrawal is a passive-aggressive punishing tactic that we all have inherited or we all inhabit because of our own histories where we weren't allowed ever to say boo about our parents.
And our parents, of course, almost all, went from feeling to truth, which is basically just bigotry.
I feel it, therefore it's true.
It's just bigotry. That's what our parents all did to us.
But I think it's time to outgrow this.
I mean, as a species, as individuals, as food survivors, I mean, this is just something we must outgrow.
We must learn to outgrow the bigotries of our histories and to speak the simple truth.
And that creates enormous possibilities in relationships.
Try it out in your relationships and see what happens and keep you posted.
Thank you so much for listening.
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