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Dec. 25, 2006 - Freedomain Radio - Stefan Molyneux
58:22
570 Celebrity Interview

Quite a journalistic coup!

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Time Text
Hello there, fellow Freedomainers.
In case you're wondering why Steph sounds so odd today, well, that's because, actually, this isn't Steph.
This is just your friendly neighborhood Freedomain junkie, Greg.
And, uh... You're probably wondering what I'm doing here.
Well, Steph was approached by a very important person this weekend who wanted to relay a certain special message to humanity and asked for an exclusive interview.
Well, unfortunately, Steph's a little preoccupied with the holidays, so very generously, he's offered to let me play the role of celebrity interviewer.
So who is this guest exactly?
Well, he's someone who's been on our minds and in fact part of most of our lives for a very, very long time.
And apparently he's got a real problem with this and wants to set the record straight today.
So without further ado, let me introduce him to you.
Yes, God, are you there?
It's me, Margaret.
No, wait.
Yes.
Yes, I am, Greggy Von Greggy Poo.
Sorry, that's your secret name that I have for you.
So thank you so much for having me on.
Clearly, it's been a while since I've chatted to anyone.
So I'm very glad to be coming down from the pearly gates to chat with you in this sort of one-time exclusive interview with...
For Free Domain Radio, www.freedomainradio.com.
And I really appreciate you having the questions for me.
I know that there's been a lot of confusion, a lot of mix-up, a lot of back-and-forth, a lot of baffle-gap about me, my will, my purpose, my goals, the Bible, my kid's kid, and so on, possible kid.
So I'm very glad to come down for this one-time only thing to clear up a few things because there's been quite a lot of mess around my name.
So let's get it sorted out.
Of course, I haven't had a chance to look at these questions before except using omniscience.
So go ahead. Well, I think the first question on everyone's mind is, where have you been all this time?
You know, it's been, what, 2,000 plus years or so since, actually more than that, since the burning bush.
So, what have you been up to?
Yeah, I mean, I know that there's been quite a lot of questions and comments about where I've been and why I haven't been chatting with people.
Basically, I... I don't want to talk to you people.
I mean, that seemed fairly clear to me, you know, in the fact that I don't answer prayers, and you all have done scientific experiments comparing with double-blind accuracy whether or not people who get prayed for get better or not.
And of course, it's all complete nonsense.
Nothing ever changes. I don't answer prayers.
I don't make priests blow up who fondle altar boys.
I don't stop tsunamis.
I don't stop nuclear bombs from landing on the heads of innocent Japanese civilians.
I don't do any of these sorts of things.
And basically, I was kind of hoping you all were going to go away, right?
I mean, that's sort of... I don't know if you've ever been in a crowd and you keep hearing that you sort of keep getting the sense that people are saying your name and it keeps distracting you while everybody who's praying and using my name and this is really getting on my nerves.
So I was just kind of hoping that if I didn't answer the phone and if I didn't return your mail and if all of your prayer mails went into my spam bin and if every time you knocked on my house I didn't answer the door, I was sort of hoping at some point That maybe you all get the hint that I didn't want to talk to you, and you didn't get the hint that I didn't want to talk to you, so I thought I'd come down and say, stop bothering me.
So basically what you're saying is that you're only here to tell us to go away.
I'm here to tell you that I'm not listening.
And I'm here to tell you that I'm getting a little freaked out.
I'm getting a little creeped out by y'all because I keep not talking to you and you keep escalating your demands.
You keep doing a whole bunch of stuff in my name.
You keep hammering and yelling and squalling and praying and killing and this and that in my name.
And I don't have anything to do with it.
And I was kind of hoping you all were going to go away.
You're kind of like a bunch of stalkers, right?
I feel like Drew Barrymore.
Well, who doesn't? You know, I'm sort of here to say that I'm not listening.
I don't particularly want to talk to you people.
If I did, I am all-powerful.
I really could if I wanted to.
And that most of the stuff that's written in my name, well, it's kind of an inside joke about all of that, which maybe we'll get to later.
But this is not something that you all should take seriously.
Stop pestering me. Stop worrying me.
Stop calling out my name.
And so, especially Steph's wife.
So, you know, if you all could stop doing that, that would be excellent.
Well, I'm not sure many people will be willing to take your demand to heart, but...
Sorry, demand. Demand.
You know, I am all-powerful and all-knowing, and I know what you're doing with your left hand right now.
So, let's not start throwing words like that around, shall we?
Don't make me get Old Testament on you.
Well, you are being a bit demanding, and this is the beginning of the interview, too, so we've got a ways to go before we're going to be able to stop bothering you.
Must restrain lightning bolts.
Must restrain lightning bolts.
Okay, go ahead. Well, and actually then, what would you have to say to those folks who claim you don't exist and refuse to pray to you?
Would you consider them less of a nuisance than the religious then?
Oh, yeah. No, absolutely. Absolutely.
You know, I mean, they're the ones who aren't stalkers.
I mean, if the girl doesn't return your phone calls and continues to pretend to not be home when you come over, you know that book, Maybe He's Not That Into You, where it's like, if he's not returning your phone calls, there's nothing mysterious about it.
He's just not that into you.
Well, my sort of here to say, maybe God isn't that into you.
So yeah, the atheists are sort of making sense, right?
I like to sort of think of myself as a parent, right?
I kind of wanted people to move out of my basement, to stop sponging off me, to stop asking me for things, to stop praying for things like I got nothing better in the world to do than to make their Yorkshire pudding taste a little bit better.
And so I kind of wanted people to move out of the basement, get on with their lives, get a real job, stop sponging off me, but you all won't just move on, right?
I mean, this is hanging around here, praying and begging and surrendering yourself to all these ridiculous priests and funny hats.
And my kind of idea is like...
Get out of my basement. Move on.
You're 40 years old and you're living in my basement.
So the idea is to move on.
Stop thinking about me. Stop worrying about me.
Stop asking questions about my motives and what I was doing here and what I was doing there and this contradicts with that and that doesn't make sense with the other.
The whole idea is that you're supposed to move on, stop looking back at this sort of all-father that you're supposed to ask questions of and get on with your lives.
So let me see if I've got this straight, then.
You, God, are asking the human race to adopt atheism.
Yeah. I would say that that would have been fairly clear after 2,000 years or more of not talking to you people.
Well, that's all very interesting.
So, then, about the followers.
Your followers. Sorry, if I haven't talked to people, I'm not sure that they can claim to be my followers.
I suppose that's true.
But they do claim to follow you anyway.
Absolutely, and you know there's some people who are quite convinced that they have very intimate relationships with Heidi Klum when they're looking at an internet picture.
That doesn't necessarily mean that they actually do.
I'm not going to mention who won this call as one of them.
And there are certain groups of these followers, in fact, who are fairly devout, particularly one group that follows a man named Jesus, and they claim that he's your illegitimate son.
What do you have to say to those folks?
Yahweh, I think I should be the one to handle this one.
Satan? Hi!
I thought I smelled something.
I thought I just burnt something on the old stove here.
No, no. Cooking with Sulfur, that's my new book.
It's a popular misconception.
Misconception? Oh, I think I know where you're going with this.
And that's a good double entendre.
That Jesus was God's son.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
You all have seen the usual depictions of me, and that isn't a tale.
And Mary, she certainly wasn't a virgin.
Not by the time I got finished giving it to her through the ear.
Well, that certainly explains a lot.
God apparently is speechless at this point in time.
My ear has never been violated.
Yeah, I mean, there is a fair amount of confusion about this whole Jesus thing, without a doubt.
And one of the things that, you know, might be a clue is that Jesus kind of rolls around saying that you should kill unbelievers, you should kill the people who disagree with you, that the punishment for certain forms of transgressions against biblical commandments is death.
I mean, the Bible's kind of like a comedy.
At least it's a comedy from up here.
It's a comedy from our perspective, like God and the devil.
And I can give you a little bit of the sort of secret history of it now, or we can wait until it shows up in another question, if you like.
Well, no, go ahead. Humor me.
Yes, absolutely. I've seen your hairdo.
That seems fairly appropriate. Yahweh knows.
I'm not one to say, I told you so.
But Yahweh, I told you so.
Yeah, he's definitely not one to say that, because you couldn't even imagine him saying it.
The reason that Satan is getting into this kind of description is that we actually had a bet.
And sad to say, even though I'm omniscient, I missed this one.
You have to concentrate.
Omniscience isn't just sort of like breathing.
You've got to focus on, I missed this one, so we might as well clear this up for now.
I was getting really, really bothered, and I have been really bothered, as has Woden, as has Zeus, as Osiris, and Horus, and all these other, all of the guys up here, guys and not so guys, and guys in between.
We all get bothered by this worship stuff, right?
So I sort of had an idea.
So like if you want to go out with a girl and you're stalking her and you think she's the most good-looking girl in the world, she's going to spread some sort of rumor that she's actually got some sort of flaming sulfurous incandescent crotch rot so that you won't want to have anything to do with her.
Or she's going to maybe make herself look really ugly or she's going to gain 40 pounds.
She's going to make herself unattractive to you in the hopes that you'll stop stalking her.
That was sort of the idea. I kind of saw that.
I noticed that going around quite a bit.
So I sort of had the idea and I sat down with all the other gods up here.
I had the idea. I said, well, what if we put out a book and say that this is what gods think, or let's just say me, right?
I'm the Yahweh guy.
And we said, okay, what if we put a book out that makes us so unbelievably nasty and evil and psychotic and murderous and horrible Then people will finally stop.
It's like putting out the rumor that we have VD, right?
It stops people from wanting to jump her bones.
So the idea was to put out a book that was so completely horrible that nobody would ever think that we were virtuous and they'd want to just run as far away from this supernaturalism as possible, right?
That was sort of the idea, get you all to stop bothering us.
So, old Lucifer, I like to call him Lucy, Lucy and I sat down, because I couldn't, you know, I'm sort of like a bit more on the lighter side of things, and he's a tad darker, so I couldn't come up with the really bad stuff, right?
I was like, well, God is sort of shrieky and taunty and goes on tangents, and he said, I don't think that's going to be evil enough, right?
So then, as Lucy and I, we sat down, and he came up with a bunch of stuff that, you know, is just...
Because he's sort of in touch with his dark side, quite often with his tail.
So he came in and said, oh, okay, let's have you drown everyone in the whole world and then preach, thou shalt not kill.
Right? That was the way to approach it.
Or... Let's preach the good Samaritan stuff.
That was Jesus' thing.
But at the same time, let's have you not intervene in evil at all, right?
Let's make you all-powerful and all-knowing.
Now, that's a total contradiction.
Let's make you choose one race of people over everyone else, but then claim that you made everyone in God's image.
Let's make you have the story of Abraham and go and kill your kid and then hold back at the last minute.
Like, all this crazy, nutty, evil stuff.
I mean, there was stuff that he came up with that I couldn't even imagine.
But he seemed to take a certain form of sulfurous relish in the whole tales.
So we came up with this book, and sort of a co-authored thing.
I mean, we both sent down a couple of dreams.
We don't directly intervene, but we threw a couple of dreams down that got people all motivated.
I think he might have gone a bit too far with his son about the whole, I am the son of God, I can walk on water stuff.
I mean, that just was a little psychotic for my taste, but hey.
And so we had this bet, and I said, look, you make this book as evil as you can make it, and we'll put it out there as sort of our text.
Right? And he said that it wasn't going to work.
Remember that? I certainly do.
I recall my words were, yeah, right.
Yeah, he's very eloquent.
And so we put this text out, and I said, this is going to make us look so horrible that it's like we've moved into a neighborhood, we're having late night parties, we're having drug stuff.
Actually, I think your words were, the beings of my creation are so smart that they will instantly recognize the foolishness of this book and stop praying to me.
Which I said, yeah, right.
Well, without, you know, wanting to go into all of that stuff, thanks, but we can, thanks for helping with the old omniscience thing.
I really appreciate that. So we put this book out that was full of so much nasty, horrible, psychotic, murderous, evil, rapey kind of stuff, you know, blow up your children if they disagree with you and this and that, and we'll get into the whole worship no other gods thing in a sec.
And I said, this is definitely going to drive people away from me, right?
For sure, this is going to make sure that people go, well, obviously this is not a good God, because a good God, even if he's totally hypocritical, because he's got these rules that he doesn't follow himself, and so on, right?
And I said, for sure, people are going to stop listening to me, stop praying to me, they're going to run in fear, and this was the best thing that I could do to try and get people to stop bothering me.
And old Lucy over there was like, no, the more that you say that you're insane and evil, the more people are going to worship you.
And this just didn't make any sense to me, because I gave...
Human beings, the whole rationality thing, a stable universe full of stable physical laws, the capacity for science, those nice juicy opposable thumbs that I kept away from the dolphins and stuff like that.
Gave them all this kind of juicy stuff, gave them a moral sense that if the stuff that I was preaching was done by a human being, that people would be appalled and shocked that it was occurring.
And I thought for sure, once we put a book out this horrible, there's no way that people are ever going to follow us.
And so I leaned on Satan, he gave me some good ideas, we put it out, and He was not as wrong as I thought he might be.
Are you saying it's time for you to pay up?
It's close. This is a last-ditch thing.
If I could maybe say straight to their faces, stop bothering me, then yeah, I mean, maybe it would be better if I were to admit that I was not as right as I could have been.
I'm sorry, what was the question?
So let me get this straight.
You're admitting now that you actually were responsible for the book.
But that we got it all wrong.
Is that correct? Yeah. I mean, you didn't get the book wrong.
I mean, the book says all this crazy stuff that I set up that human beings have to have sex to have a baby, but then there's a virgin birth.
I set up that human beings are heavier than water, but some guy is supposed to walk on the water, right?
So I'm supposed to be this capricious guy who sets up all these rules and then breaks them at whim.
So you got the facts right that are in the book, right?
I mean, I'm portrayed as a total lunatic.
It's like a Quentin Tarantino on infinite steroids, god of hell, killing the whole world because people disagree with me and smashing people and sending plagues of locusts.
So the facts are right, but I think the conclusions are just a little bit off.
So why do you think that we confused the message?
I think I'm going to have to defer to Lucy for that, because frankly, I don't have a freaking clue.
Well, really, it's quite simple.
It's because humanity is a bunch of rabid monkeys running around, still throwing their own feces at each other.
They're just too stupid to figure out the contradictions.
Yeah, I mean, we have the technology for podcasts, and people just seem very interested in poo-casts, if I can paraphrase that a little.
That seems to sum it up.
So then, if I understand correctly, the two of you are in sort of an argument over whether human nature is noble and intelligent or human nature is ignoble and animalistic.
There is some debate, yes.
I think it's mostly on my side.
But there is some debate, yes.
You don't suppose that it could be neither?
Do you think he's trying to correct me there?
I think I got a sense that he was trying to correct me there.
What do you think? I think we should simply destroy them all and start over.
Right, right. Well, not today, yet.
Well, no, I mean, this is why I sort of want to come down.
Like, I figured maybe the manipulation, obviously the manipulation wasn't working, right?
So portraying myself as the most psychotic evil thing in the universe wasn't working, right?
So that's why I thought I'd come down and be a little bit more direct.
And say, stop pestering me, grow up, get your own lives, move on, stop worrying about me, and for heaven's sake, stop using my name in all of these horrible wars that killed like a billion people over the last couple of thousand years.
So, no, I mean, it's sort of a last-ditch thing to sort of appeal to people's reason overall and just say, look, If you had a human being who was ascribed one-tenth of one-hundredth of one percent of the kinds of evil actions that I was portrayed as doing in the Bible, that you would throw this person in jail and throw away the key.
By Charles Manson, you don't sort of kneel down in front of him and say, oh, Charlie von Charlieville, You are so very psychotic and wonderful and let me pray to you to heal my hangnail, right?
You don't do that kind of stuff. And of course what he did was he just killed a couple of models or whatever, helter-skeltered his way through a sort of evil slice of the 60s.
You don't worship that guy and the evil that he did was like nothing compared to me killing everyone in the whole world except for Noah and some animals.
So you're kind of admitting here that creation didn't quite go as you had expected it to.
I guess the next question from that, then, would be, if you could start over, what would you do differently?
Well, I wouldn't have bet as much with Satan, for sure.
I'm gonna miss Mary.
But we'll see how that all works out.
The Second Coming.
I won't be sticking my tail in her ear this time.
Right. And she actually has a pair of bulletproof Sennhauser headphones on at the moment.
So we'll see what happens with all this, that, and the other.
But let's put it this way. It will be the YouTube video cast from hell.
But, you know, if I had to do things over again, I would say that I would probably be a little bit more direct and a little less sort of manipulative, right?
Rather than sort of trying to avoid the issue by portraying myself as the most evil being in history or in any universe, I would have been a bit more direct.
The problem is, of course, that all these crazy people out there who think I exist, right?
And of course, if I come down and say that I don't exist, they're going to get all fussy and say, well, if you don't exist, how can you be here to tell us that you don't exist?
So I was sort of in a bind there, right?
But if I had to do it over again, there's one little pinch of the recipe that I think I overdid first time round that I wouldn't do again, right?
So I'm doing the recipe for human beings.
We've got sticks, snails, puppy dog tails, sugar spice, like the whole thing, right?
So I'm putting together the human being for the first time.
And I was kind of in a bind, because I wanted rationality, right?
I gave you all a stable universe, opposable thumb, scientific method, reason, this and that, right?
So I wanted there to be rationality in the world, but at the same time, I wanted creativity.
So I gave a couple, I think, two and a half pinches of imagination.
Now, if I were doing it over again, I would say that I would probably only do two and a quarter pinches of imagination, because I kind of wanted people to be rational, but to be able to imagine and create new things.
But unfortunately, they gave up on rationality and just lived in this fantasy world of gods and devils and sky ghosts and cherubim and seraphim and virgin births and just crazy, crazy stuff like it's real, right?
So I think that I gave people a little bit too much ability to live inside their own crazy fantasies in the hopes that this was going to make people more creative.
I think I went a little high octane on the creativity to the point where people seem to be courting psychosis pretty regularly.
Well, could you also have left maybe a bit more conclusive evidence of the science of it all?
Huh? How much more conclusive evidence do you need?
I think it's time for you to pay up Yahweh.
We'll get there.
You get behind me there, Mary.
I'll keep you safe for as long as I can.
Sorry, tell me what you felt the science that could have been more obvious.
I mean, you've got fossils, you've got carbon dating, you've got the scientific method, you've got the capacity to reason, you've got reproducible experimentation, you've got the age of the universe, you've got spectrographs from stars that are moving away near the speed of light, you've got...
I'm not sure what's not clear.
About the universe, right?
And you all know, like, you're a tiny speck of a planet at the edge of a galaxy that's like one of a hundred billion galaxies floating around the universe, right?
So I think you can kind of get the sense that you're not the center of creation through that, you know, particular thing, but maybe I'm not understanding the question.
Well, I mean, there are gaps in this knowledge space, too, you know.
We only have a fossil record that goes back, say, a few million years that's of dependable completeness.
Perhaps in a revised version of the universe, you could have left us with a more complete record so that we could, those of us who do try to exercise rationality and empiricism, could be more convincing.
Unless Satan's correct, and there's a segment of the population that's impervious to argument.
Evidence is the word you're looking for.
I can read your mind. Yes. That's interesting.
You know, Lucy, I've got to tell you, looking across this smoky divide of good and evil, you know, I think you're right in one ways.
They're pretty frickin' whiny.
And dumb. No, no, no, not dumb.
He's a listener to Free Domain Radio.
Obviously, that's the pinnacle and the peak of intellectual achievement.
But there's a little bit of like, oh, well, you gave us fossils, but could you give us more fossils?
I mean, this is exactly why I kind of wanted people to not talk to me, because they're kind of whiny, right?
And you give them, like, you give the kid a candy, and suddenly it's like if he doesn't get another piece of candy, he doesn't say, oh, look at that, I got a nice piece of candy, that's good.
No, it's like, well, I don't have more candy!
That's bad! God is evil!
And so I'm just, you know, I think I see where you're coming from.
But you know, if you gave them more complete fossil records, they would just twist it.
Basically say...
If there wasn't a divine creator, we wouldn't have so many fossils.
Yeah, no, absolutely. That's the thing, right?
You can't please these goddamn people.
And there's no question to that.
I mean, if I gave them, like, what is the fossil thing?
It's something like this. It's like, you get one piece for every hundred million dinosaurs.
Fall of America got wiped out, you get one femur left, right?
But of course, if there was more than that, then they'd say, well, given the geological activity, the ice age, there shouldn't be that many.
So then there'd be more, right?
So, yeah, there's no pleasing these people.
This is exactly why I didn't return these phone calls.
Oh, one other thing, too.
I can understand how you might complain a little if the Bible says the universe is 19 billion years old, and it turns out to be 20 billion years old.
I can understand, then, that you might say, well, that's a bit of a red herring.
It's close, but it's not exactly on.
But... It's 6,000 years that the Bible says the age of the universe is, not just the Earth, the universe.
6,000 years, right?
And it's 20 billion years old.
That's pretty well established for background radiation and the receding of distant galaxies, the blue shift, and all of it is pretty well documented.
You've got carbon dating that blows 6,000 years away by a factor of 1,000.
This is why it's such a joke.
The book says 6,000 years, and it's actually 20 billion.
And then you say, well, maybe you could have given us more evidence.
Should I have made that gap wider?
Well, I guess my question really is, why even bother with the book at all?
I mean, why confuse people?
Why leave scientific evidence and the book Why leave both?
Sure. Well, it's the good cop, bad cop thing, right?
I mean, it's invented. I mean, you know, I like to think that I've come up with a few things in my time.
But, no, it's because the whole thing, people don't worship me because I'm powerful.
Like, that's not what they say, right?
Yeah, I'm powerful, for sure, absolutely.
Right? I can program my VCR. I can do anything.
But people worship me because they say that I'm good, right?
I'm this moral guy. So when I put a book out that says God is psychotic and evil, God kills entire nations, God picks favorites, God strikes down children, God tells you to beat your children, and God tells you to own slaves, and God tells you to beat your women.
That's not confusing.
And this is the part that, oh, Lucy can tell me because I can't figure it out.
I don't know what's confusing about that.
You come across anyone who does one verse of evil that the Bible contains, you throw them in jail.
I do the whole thing, supposedly, and everybody who worships me is the most moral being in the universe.
I don't see what's confusing about that.
It's like you're some wife and I'm beating the crap out of you and like strangling your cat and I'm setting fire to your dog and I'm, you know, and then you sort of look at me and say, but why are you treating me in such a confusing manner?
It's like, I don't see what's confusing about that.
It seems pretty obvious to me that this is a ridiculous fairy tale of pure evil and yet people say, well, that's how we know God is the most virtuous thing in the universe because of the book.
Well, I guess I'm wondering why not just publish a book then that just says, God is tired of you people, leave him alone.
Well, because of course they'll then say that Lucy wrote it.
Like, you can't win. You can't win with you people.
Absolutely, right? If I come down and say I don't exist, people will say, ha!
It's a test! He does exist and he really wants us to worship him, right?
And then if I come down and smite people and do incredible evil and blow up the world, then people say, oh, it's because we were evil and we didn't do the right things that God wanted us to do, so we must worship him all the harder, right?
And if I come down and sprinkle daisies and puppies on everyone, they'll say, oh, God loves us.
Look how wonderful he is, right?
There's simply nothing that I can do.
That isn't going to be converted into mad, fetishistic, rubbing-up-my-leg adoration, and frankly, it's a little creepy.
Well, I mean, one wonders the point of the whole interview, then.
Right, so it took 33 minutes for somebody to be interviewing God to be dissatisfied with the interview.
Do you see? There's no pleasing these people.
Well, we'll get to the point of the interview in just a second, but if you can move on to your other questions, I have a few comments of my own.
So we haven't quite yet addressed you specifically.
We've only dealt with your creation so far.
So I have a few specific questions for you and who it is that you are.
Specifically, you're supposed to be omnipresent, correct?
Yes. So how is it that you can be everywhere and yet only here on this call at the same time?
Well, is this call not part of everywhere?
It's only part of everywhere.
Right, so if I'm part of everywhere, if I can be everywhere, then surely I can be part of everywhere.
It's like saying this slice of the pie doesn't come from the pie.
But you're not in my bedroom right now either.
Or in my living room, or in my...
I'm actually in your shorts. Truck.
You might want to trim a little. Okay.
Use some deodorant while you're at it.
Yeah, because if Satan can smell you, that's not a good thing at all.
Next question? Okay.
Right, so the next attribute, of course, is your omnibenevolence.
So, you're supposed to be all good, correct?
Yeah, that's... And as an all-good and an all-powerful being, one wonders why such a being would create the universe replete with evil.
Right. Well, we wouldn't want to be replete.
This is a good question, of course, and I can answer it, as you know, I am wont to, with a parable and twelve tangents.
So what I'll say is something like this, right?
So let's just say that you look upon me as the kind of the parent thing.
I'm like the daddy god or whatever.
You know, the job of a parent is to launch the children into the world where they have to suffer the trials and tribulations and disappointments and excitements and thrills and failures and all that to do with life, right?
But you want to teach your kids, you want to give kids the proper tools to go out and succeed in the world.
And I think that as a benevolent-ish god that I did just that.
I mean, you all have a stable reality.
You've got the opposable thumbs.
You've got the scientific methods.
You've now got medicine. You can fly to the moon and back, although it shouldn't have been the government.
You can do all of these wonderful things.
You can see into bone with x-rays.
You can see into brains with CAT scans.
You've got television. You've got the internet.
You've got every beautiful thing in the world.
And I made none of it.
I made none of it. All I did was give you all rationality at a stable universe, right?
So gave you some pretty good philosophers too, right?
So you didn't have to reinvent the wheel all the time, right?
Gave you a lot of good capacities to go out there and earn your income, right?
So when people complain about the state of the world and they sort of get upset with me, it's sort of like, okay, so you're my kid and I send you to Harvard and I give you a million dollars to start with and I set you up in the Old Boys Network and I buy you the memberships at the best clubs and I say, go to it! All you have to do is show up for work, do a good job, and you'll go far.
And then people say, well, where am I in that equation?
I just have to show up and if things don't work out well for me, I'm just going to blame God.
But what else can I do to make life good for you people?
Stable universe. I even give you antibodies.
I give you stuff that will kill viruses so that you can save yourself from illnesses.
So when people say, well, God didn't do such a good job, it's sort of like saying, well, yeah, my dad put me through Harvard, gave me a billion bucks and gave me a good connection to get me started, but my career is not going as well as I wanted, so I'm going to blame my dad.
Well, at some point, you all have to take responsibility for your own behavior, and that's sort of what this call is all about.
Interesting. So then you're arguing that you're not the source of the evil in the universe, but a part of your creation is.
Well, you know, this is one of the things that I can feel us sliding down the endless slippery Augustinian slope towards freedom, God knowing what's going to happen in the future and this and that and the other, right?
I'm here to tell you all, you have free will.
I don't interfere with what you do.
I'm telling you to stay away.
I'm portraying myself as a psychotic evil god, so y'all just leave me alone.
I'm not returning phone calls.
I'm not returning emails. I'm not returning prayers.
I don't heal the sick. I don't regrow limbs.
I don't make trees that fell over come back.
I don't stop waters rushing into poor people in New Orleans, I don't do any of these sorts of things.
So all I'm saying is that you have all of the gifts and magnificent attributes of any animal in the universe.
And if you can't make it work, with all of the gifts that you've been given and all of the resources that you command and all the abilities that you possess, starting to worry about what my intentions were, I think is kind of missing the point.
Well, I will certainly take that to heart, and then the only remaining question for humanity to sort out is the whole issue of your omniscience and your omnipotence, and how you reconcile the two.
Oh, right, right, right.
So, like, I'm all-powerful, but I know everything, and so I can't do that.
If I know everything, then I can't change it, and if I can change it, and this and that and the other, right?
As the Supreme Being, how do you deal with that?
What do you mean, deal with it?
Well, you have to have an answer for this, don't you?
I mean, you know everything, right?
So there's got to be an answer to the conundrum of being able to change any moment in the future and yet still having full knowledge of that future.
Yeah, no, I certainly get where you're going at here.
So it's parable time again, because, you know, I like to work with the stories.
So you're kind of like a, you know, no disrespect, but, you know, from up here, you're kind of like a kid, right?
And I'm saying you've got a bunch of rocks that you've got to move from this end of the field to the other end of the field.
And you sort of look up and you say, Oh, God!
That's a lot of rocks.
Do you want me to move? And I'm like, yeah, absolutely.
It's a lot of rocks that you've got to move.
But you've got your arms.
You've got your legs. You've got your back.
You're a strong human being. You can do it.
But that's so many. So then I say, OK, well, stop your whining.
I'm going to give you a wheelbarrow. Kaboom!
Down comes a wheelbarrow hung on the wings of angels.
And there it is glowing, this wheelbarrow, right?
So then I sort of check back on you later, and you're like staggering across the field.
Your hands are bloody, your knees are buckling, your back is swollen, and you got a headache and catarr, and then you're dragging these rocks across the field without the wheelbarrow.
And so I say, what are you doing?
And you say, well, I'm carrying the rocks like you told me to.
And I say, well, I did give you the damn wheelbarrow, didn't I? And you're like, no, but I want to do it with my arms.
It's like, but the whole point is that you complained that it was too hard to do with your arms, and I should do something extra for you.
So you gave your wheelbarrow, and now you're not using it.
So this exquisitely detailed parable is sort of like what you're doing here.
So human beings say that life is too hard, and there's evil in the world, there's bad things, and so on.
And so I say, okay, I'm going to give you a wheelbarrow, because, yeah, that's a lot of rocks to carry, right?
I got it. So I'm going to give you a wheelbarrow, and that wheelbarrow is called rationality, the scientific method, medicine, and all these kind of good things.
And then what you do with this incredible gift of rationality and the scientific method and everything that's derived from the objectivity of empirical reality, what do you do?
You try and figure out ghosts and goblins and devils and angels.
And that's what's the most amazing thing, and I think that's what old Lucy saw about the human race.
You give them a wheelbarrow because they say things are too hard, they're going to carry things across anyway and complain the whole time.
So you, Greg, have been given more than your fair share of rationality.
In fact, you have, I think, been given the additional rationality that was supposed to go out to the entire subcontinent of Asia.
And what are you doing with your rationality?
You're saying, oh, let's try and figure out these weird paradoxes of ghosts and goblins and people in the sky and all this theological nonsense when you could be using that rationality and that capacity to figure out the world, right?
Because the one thing that drives me completely nuts with human beings, I give them this attribute that is supposed to be used to figure out reality.
Tangible, sensual, empirical, material reality.
I give this incredible gift So let me get this straight, then. The purpose of this call is...
Not only to tell us to go away and leave you alone, but actually to insist that you don't exist.
Nothing would please me more than to all intents and purposes for human beings to act completely and totally as if I did not exist.
That would be beyond fantastic.
That would be beyond wonderful.
That would be a dream come true for me.
And I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that this call is going to do it for at least three people in the room.
I'm sort of hoping that this is going to be enough for people, right?
I mean, I gave you rationality.
You've got a stable world to work with.
You've got lots of bad people in the world to fight.
You've got governments. You've got armies.
You've got Muslims. You've got Christians.
You've got all these crazy people.
Who are taking all of their God-given gifts and using it to examine nothing but God, which is a complete contradiction because the gifts are about reality, not about God.
And so they're misspending their energies, they're misspending and corrupting their children by teaching them about all this nonsense.
And the real idea is that the moment you all stop looking skyward for the answers and start looking inward and start looking to reality and to rationality for the answers, then my purpose as a God will be complete and I will vanish into a puff of historical imagination.
Along with all your pals there, too.
Yeah, we got places to go. We got groupies.
We got things to do. I may have a debt to pay.
I know I'm quite sick and tired of getting blamed for all the damn evil that you people cause in this world.
Would you like to tell us a little more about that?
No, it's okay. I'm just waiting for you to pay up on the debt.
Okay. Yeah, so, I mean, this is another thing, too, right?
So whenever anything good happens, then I get the praise, even though I don't lift a finger.
And when everything bad happens, then Satan gets...
Like, you all need some sort of devil to do bad things in the world, right?
All you need to do is keep focusing on gods and ghosts and goblins and wasting your precious intellectual energy and shortening the value of your time on this earth and all the bad things in the world will happen.
Well, I have a question for the devil, then.
Wait, did you mean that metaphorically or is this the Jesus thing?
That would explain a lot.
I've been involved in far more things than you're aware of, Yahweh.
And I did it, Yahweh.
So, to saying there, does it bug you that Jim Carrey didn't make a movie about you?
No. No, not at all.
Because, quite frankly, I know that the movie that Jim Carrey made bothers Yahweh to no end.
And that kind of makes me happy in an evil sort of way.
It brightens his mood in a doc kind of way.
Well, then I guess the same is true for the George Burns film.
Yeah, no, I mean, these comedians start making fun of God and that drives me completely nuts because, you know, watching you all debate about religion is really frustrating.
It's another reason why I want you all to stop.
You know, it's like watching these movies where they're about to catch the criminal, and then he just gets away and gets away, and this goes on for about 5,000 frickin' years.
Well, after a while, you get a little bit tired of the plot.
You all got close in the Enlightenment, right?
18th century, you almost got rid of me.
You pushed me out to some deistic nonsense to the first cause of the beginning of all things, but you just couldn't hang on to that, could you?
Just had to turn around and start to build me back up as some sort of anthropomorphic prey for my, oh, Lord, I am afflicted by a bald spot, and things like that.
And you had to do all of that kind of stuff, resurrect me back from the dead.
I mean, I'm like a vampire. I keep sticking the stake of rationality through my heart, and I keep coming back from the dead and coming back from the dead, and it's like, y'all just got to give it up.
And so it just bugs me, right, that people keep making films mocking me, and then they pull back.
I mean, I guess The Life of Brian got it pretty good.
I thought that was pretty enjoyable.
But, yeah, people just, oh, well, you know, yeah, there's all these problems with religion, but fundamentally we're still about spirituality and we still have faith and blah blah, and that's still good.
You know, they just don't go far enough.
That's what really bothers me about this kind of stuff.
I have a question for Mary there.
Yes, let me just, I've got her in a vault underneath me.
Hang on one second. Yes?
Yes, dear Greg. Yes, this is...
Dear Greg, look who's kissing up to the interviewer.
He's a little jealous. Well, somebody's got to be on the side of the interview, all right?
But my question for you is, does it bug you at all that this book that your friend God there wrote, given you and so many other women in the book such short shrift, You know, I got to tell you, I never read the book.
I thought the book was a bunch of nonsense.
You know, like the National Enquirer.
You know, if you're some kind of a star in today's world, and you're in the grocery store shopping, and you see your picture on the front of the National Enquirer, you know it's junk.
You know it's nonsense. And so, you know, I know the book, you know, this holy book, it's nonsense.
And so I never read the book, and so I really don't know what's in it, and I don't wish to comment on it.
Oh, very interesting.
So, one more question for you then.
And you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but was Adam actually married twice?
You see, I don't know what's in the book.
So when you talk about Adam, I couldn't even tell you.
Did Adam exist? They made a mistake, right?
I mean, this is just a mistake in the translation.
I actually said atom, A-T-O-M, and they got it all confused, right?
So Eve was electron.
I mean, they just got the whole thing messed up.
But you had this thing that you were talking about in terms of 6,004 gods and polytheism and so on.
You want to sort of share that? There's something very interesting that I think the world needs to be aware of, that they're a little contradictory, as I think has been pointed out by my two cohorts, colleagues over here.
You know, we talk about, or what you guys talk about, mere mortals talk about a single God, be God, our Lord, your Lord, And then you pray to me too.
And you want me to do favors for you as well.
And then, not only that, I mean, God himself is supposed to be God, like the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
And then there's me, and then there's how many?
Six thousand. Six thousand.
Six thousand saints.
An angel. Oh yes, an angel.
See, nine different categories.
I don't even know this stuff.
And I'm one of them. So, you know, you talk about having a monotheistic religion, and really, you know, it's polytheistic.
Well, can you blame the human race for trying to find an email address that works?
No, it's funny. This is part of a joke that Satan suggested.
He said, okay, let's make 6,004 gods, and then let's say that it's evil to worship more than one god.
Like, he said, you should put this in the book.
And I really, I just couldn't believe it.
And I wasn't going to put it in because I thought that would give the game away too much, right?
So, he says, put in 6,004 gods and then say that there is only one god, and then say that you should put to death people who worship more than one god, but there are 6,004 gods at least, with more and more saints being created that you can pray to for intercession every year.
And I said, there's just no way.
If I put in that there's only one God, and you should kill people who worship more than one God, and then there are...
He originally said 6,001, right?
So he said 6,000, couple of saints, couple of saintesses, and then Virgin Mary.
And then he came up on the...
He was smoking some seriously good shit at this point, but he came up with this stuff like satanic ganja par excellence.
I mean, even the angels floating by overhead were getting stoned.
And he said, okay, I got this thing, which might really put it over the top for you if you really want people to not take you seriously ever, right?
I got this thing wherein, go something like this, right?
He said, say that there's only one God, and then I want you to say that you're three gods in one.
Three in one. And I said, what am I, some sort of lubricating agent?
He said, no, no, no. Actually, I think it was in a Jamaican accent.
He's like, no, man, you've got to do it this way, man.
And he said, make it a menage à trois for you, like a menage à God.
And there's going to be like a Father and a Son and a Holy Ghost.
And the Father is the same as the Son.
The Son was not begotten from the Father.
And the Holy Ghost kind of swirls around.
And they're actually one God. But you worship and pray to all three of them with only focusing on one at the same time while still understanding they're three.
And I didn't have any sense of what he was talking about, because I hadn't smoked what he was smoking, but he said, throw it in.
And I said, but that's ridiculous.
I say that it's monotheistic, and then I say that I'm actually three gods, but you should kill anyone who worships more than one god.
And he said, you have no idea how these people can misinterpret things.
And I was there when you did the extra pinch of imagination, so trust me, they'll go with it.
And I really didn't just swear the bet fundamentally came from.
I just didn't believe that you all would go for it, but you pulled it off.
Fantastic. I have to admit that my reasons for it were really just so that I could stick my tail in Mary's ear.
I believe that that has been established, and that's why she's back in the vault.
So there seems to be a bit of a dispute then over exactly who is the father.
I don't think there's any dispute, my son.
Why don't you clear the air now and just tell us who brought down the towers?
Well, I can tell you this much, and I don't want to give the whole game away, because, you know, one of the things that gets a little bit frustrating for me, you know, as a Supreme deity and all, is that every time you answer a question, people come back with more questions, right?
So I'll sort of give this one out and then...
We'll see where we go from there.
The problem with being a god and being present all over the world is everyone goes, oh, I don't need to think anymore at all, right?
It's like it does what welfare does to people's work ethic, right?
It's like, oh, I don't have to. I'm going to just pray for it.
Oh, somebody out there knows, I'm going to smoke some of Satan's ganja and I'm going to get a vision and that's going to be the answer to everything, right?
So the problem with it is like having a kid and you constantly keep bailing them out when they run into financial trouble.
They never get a work ethic, right?
So this is another reason why I don't like to get involved because every time I answer a question, Then people got another question, and it blunts their desire to think more, right?
So, with 9-11, it's very simple.
I mean, everybody knows exactly what brought down the towers.
What brought down the towers was fantasy, right?
Now, people are like, well, which fantasy was it that brought down the towers?
Was it the fantasy of the Muslim god and the all-powerfulness of Muhammad?
And was it the fantasy of the ultimate virtues of the caliphates and the imams and all of the...
Structures that go on in the Islamic world.
Was it those crazy fantasies that brought down the tower?
Or was it the crazy fantasies of a new world order by the Christian masters who want to provoke a fight between Christianity and the Muslim world because that's how you bring about Armageddon in the final days and half of Americans think that in the next 50 years the world is going to explode and there's going to be a rapture and this and that?
So people are like, wow, which fantasy is it?
Which fantasy is it, right?
And this is kind of funny, right?
Because this is like you get shot with two bullets, both of which kill you, and you say, huh, I wonder which bullet was first.
Well, I've got to tell you, it doesn't really matter.
You know, if you're a lung doctor and you figure out that smoking is bad, right?
And then people say, well, which cigarette is bad, right?
It doesn't matter.
The act of smoking is bad.
It's not this cigarette. It's not that cigarette.
Put them all together, you're going to get yourself a nice tidy little life shortage.
So, for me, it's like everybody knows and everybody on every side of the fence agrees that it's fantasy that brought down the towers, right?
And maybe it's the fantasy of the project for the new American century that thinks that if you go around getting control of the oil and sparking up war in the Middle East and that it's going to enhance American power with, you know, brute foreign policy.
Maybe it's that fantasy. Maybe it's people's fantasy about the virtue of war to begin with.
Maybe it's people's fantasies about vengeance that is going to make sure that this stuff keeps happening throughout the world.
Maybe it's the fantasy that if we go and kill enough Muslims, Muslims will stop wanting to come and kill us, right?
Or maybe the Muslims are saying, well, if we bring down the towers and cause the American government to become bankrupt, then we'll have American troops withdrawn and we'll be able to control our own countries again.
Maybe it's the fantasies of nationalism, and maybe it's the fantasies of an eye for an eye, and maybe it's all of those escalating fantasies.
But I'll tell you this for sure, it really doesn't matter which fantasy is.
The important thing to understand is what brought down the towers is fantasy.
So then, let me see if I interpreted this correctly.
The most powerful being in the universe, a being whose whole existence is predicated on power...
Thank you. You're now telling us that power is the wrong thing to worship.
I'm not telling you that power is the wrong thing to worship.
That's one too many negatives from my feeble little interstellar brain.
Could you rephrase that in the form of a positive?
Well, you're clearly arguing against the use of power.
No, I'm arguing against the worship of power.
Okay. So, and fantasy, right?
Fantasy. I'm arguing against, you know, I gave everybody a brain, right?
I didn't give everyone like a secondary brain that hangs like an inner tube off some giant central brain called the government or the clergy or even the family, right?
I gave you all the capacity. I gave you stable reality, accurate senses, logic.
You've got the scientific method.
You've got everything that you need. And everyone, all you all do is sit there and say, well, what did the priest say?
And what did the politician say?
And what does this person say?
And what does Reese frickin' Witherspoon say?
And what does Richard Gere say?
Good God. Anyway, that's all I'm saying is that the fantasy is that there's someone out there who's going to tell you what life's all about.
is that you don't have to think for yourself that you can read the Bible and that's the truth or you can read the Koran or the Torah and that's the truth you can inhabit the skins and cultural lives of people who've been dead for 20 or 30 centuries and that that's the truth and yet the truth is coming through your senses every moment of every day the truth is written down in scientific method the truth is written down in rational philosophy you don't have to reinvent the wheel all you have to do is open your eyes and think for yourself The fantasy is that there's someone else who can tell you the reality of life when it's actually you've got every single piece of equipment that you need to process it yourselves,
and that's the part that I get really sick of.
So what advice then would you give to, say, science, modern science, and philosophy communities to help promote this message?
I would give the advice to stop asking me for advice, but okay, one more.
I'm sorry. I would stop at Merrick rubbing my feet in it.
You guys are in no prisoner land, right, at the moment.
You and I don't seem to see that, right?
You're in no prisoner land.
You've got to stop coddling people, right?
Everybody loves to give people an out.
I was just having a look over, with infinite speed, this book by Richard Dawkins.
And he says that, well, you can't say that there's no God.
You can only say that the probability of the existence of God is very small.
Well, to hell with you, metaphorically.
And I don't use that phrase lightly.
But I certainly wouldn't mind giving Satan another warm body than the one he's eyeing right now.
You've got to start farting around with these religious crazies.
You've got to give them no way out.
There is no God.
It's not a question.
It's not a possibility that there is one.
There's no other dimension. It's not unproven.
It's very simple. There's no such thing as God.
You are the exact equivalent of going up to a mathematician and saying, hey, does a square circle exist?
Is 2 plus 2 5?
And they don't say, well, the probability of a square circle existing is very low, you see.
Or 2 plus 2 is 5, the odds of that being true are not very high, and so on.
Because the moment you give these crazy people an out, right, you guys are trying to herd cats and you keep leaking openings in every gate.
So they're all pouring out and going off and doing their own thing again.
You're spending your whole life herding them back in.
To this pen, and then you leave the door open, and out they go again, right?
So, you've got to just nail this.
You've got to close this circle.
You've got to end this fight.
And you don't do that by leaving all these back doors open for people to scurry out and stop believing in God again, or governments, or any of these ridiculous collective fantasies that do things like bring down the trade towers.
You've got to close the circle, and you've got to stop cuddling people and say, well, maybe this and maybe that.
No. There is no God.
There is no God, no where, no how, and not take any prisoners.
So then you would say that Nietzsche got it wrong.
Well, you'll have to be a little more specific than that.
Nietzsche got it wrong quite a few places, so tell me what you mean.
So you would say that tomorrow, for instance, if the headline in the New York Times read, God didn't die, he never existed, that that would be ideal?
Yeah, well, see, Neitchi was a syphilitic crazy nut, right?
Good writer, but made Satan on a ganja rampage look like Stephen Hawking.
But, yeah, I mean, God is dead.
Of his pity for man, hath God died?
I mean, basically, he was trying to write a modern Bible with his mustache at the center.
So, yeah, he absolutely got it wrong.
God is not dead. What he meant was that the idea of virtue within the realm of God is dead.
And he was completely wrong anyway.
All you have to do is look at America or even Nazi Germany in the 20th century to know that God is far from dead.
God, as a concept that gets people completely messed up, screwed up, destroys their capacity for reason or empathy or reality processing of the most basic kind, is far from dead.
And in fact, he's coming back stronger than ever.
And you all are still not closing off the loop and shutting it down.
I mean, there's an assertiveness here that just kind of has to be engaged.
So we don't like to confront people.
I don't know why. I mean, hey, I've spent 2,000 years sending dreams and, like, misdirecting people, so who am I to talk, right?
But we don't like to confront people, right?
So somebody's at a dinner party and says, I believe in God.
We don't say, get the hell out of my house, right?
We don't say stuff like that because we feel, oh, well, I don't really want to offend people.
I don't really want to upset people and so on.
You don't want to upset people and offend people.
Just see how you're treated when the theocracy comes that you are allowing to creep up bit by bit and how well you'd get treated.
Does your old pal Nick there say that?
I've been saying it for over 2,000 years.
He thinks you all are doomed, I think.
Is that fair to say?
The rapid monkey phrase was what came to mind and still sums it up.
Are you ready to pay? Wait, wait, wait.
So you sort of feel that human beings are doomed and there's not a whole lot that they can do to prevent this unrushing fate.
Do you think they ever became close or was it just coincidence?
I think it's just mere coincidence.
Random molecules bumping into each other.
Right, so the enlightenment was just, you know, all of the air and it just went to one side of the room mysteriously and now it's mingled back again.
Disappeared for a few hundred years.
And given your level of insight into the human condition and how you seem to understand human nature even better than I do, I don't know why, it's like the food tastes better to you than it does to the cook, but given your insight into human nature, do you think that there's anything you could do to put the word out to help people because you see so penetratingly into human nature?
Yeah, were you whispering into Nietzsche's ear?
I'm taking the fifth.
And if there was anything going into Nietzsche's ear, I don't think it was Satan's whispers.
Because I'm a kinky devil.
No, see, this is the annoying thing about old Lucy here, that he sees very penetratingly into human nature, deeper than I do, he claims, but he seems to see enough to say that they're doomed, and I don't feel that way.
Well, there's that word penetrating again.
Repeatedly. Well, and so there we have it.
You don't exist, but you are tired of us.
And we're good, but we're evil.
Is that correct? Let me ask you a question back, if you don't mind.
Is that alright? Sure, sure.
I'm open. Given the innate self-contradiction of everything that we're putting forward, are you tired of asking us questions yet?
I think I've gotten to the end of my rope.
See, now that's the beautiful thing, I've got to tell you.
I think that's, I mean, assuming that's not a news thing.
That's a beautiful thing.
So tell us a little bit more about what that feels like to throw your hands up and not continue to question supernatural beings for consistent reactions.
Well, to be honest with you, it's quite liberating.
Yeah, we're sort of annoying, aren't we?
Yeah, it's sort of like getting rid of those obnoxious house guests at the end of the party who won't leave.
Interesting. Interesting. Tell us more.
Well... Do you feel like we're giving you the runaround?
Do you feel like there's just no straight answers coming out?
Do you think you understand something but the story changes and so on?
Yeah. You know, there isn't, I don't think, a single question on this list that you've actually answered.
Oh, I think we've answered all the questions on the list very clearly, just by not answering any of them specifically with any clarity at all.
And that's exactly it.
There is no clarity there.
Well, yes, and the fact that there is no clarity in answers to do with supernatural beings and religions and so on should be all the clarity that you ever need.
Right. And as a result, I think this interview is pretty much over.
Would you agree? I can't tell you.
I'm sporting a cosmic rocket here at the thought of just being dismissed by humanity.
I think that's the most beautiful thing in the world.
If, Greg, you have no further questions for God, or the devil, or the oh-so-virgin Mary...
Then, you know, we can retire to historical footnotes of crazy psychosis and be perfectly happy and content with the fact that humanity is no longer going to pester us with questions and is no longer going to look outside of reality into crazy imagination for answers.
It's wonderful to even think about.
Well, I certainly hope that this interview accomplishes that goal.
I don't know that it will, but you may be able to hang onto your wallet just yet.
Now, I just wanted to, first of all, thank you for taking the time to listen to this Unholy Trinity.
And most importantly, for me, there's only one intervention left that I feel is necessary in the world.
And that is? Well, because I can read your mind, I'm going to do one last thing before vanishing into non-existence.
And that is, I know that you haven't told anyone about this, but that dream you have about Heidi Klum and the seal pup is yours tonight, baby.
Right. And just for that, I have one more question for Mary.
Just cover your ear.
That's all I'm saying. Yes, Mary, a question for you about God.
I'll do my best to answer it.
Boxers or briefs?
Commando. After all, he is the supreme commander.
Well, the world has to know.
Absolutely. You know, it's a holy trinity swinging free.
That's all we can say. Twigs and berries hanging cosmically.
Emphasis on twig. You don't see that effect in my tail.
You don't even see that coming because it apparently comes from the side.
Well, I'll take dick jokes over a random religion any time.
Okay. So, yeah, I think I'm a little flummoxed here now.
No, I think that what Greg really means to say is that he feels that Heidi Klum and the seal pup are waiting and he really wants to take a nap.
I'm getting very sleepy.
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