Skeptoid #150: Screwed!
A secret recording of an actual meeting of the Illuminati. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices
A secret recording of an actual meeting of the Illuminati. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices
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Living in a Dish
00:10:14
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| It's a 50th anniversary episode, and that means just one thing at Skeptoid, a celebratory, lavish musical. | |
| Today, we're going to be a fly on the wall at a meeting of the Illuminati. | |
| If we're lucky, we'll get to hear their assessment of how well their project is going to pull the wall over the eyes of the world population and make them believe in their so-called science. | |
| Screwed is coming up right now on Skeptoid. | |
| A quick reminder for everyone, you're listening to Skeptoid, revealing the true science and true history behind urban legends every week since 2006. | |
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| You're listening to Skeptoid. | |
| I'm Brian Dunning from Skeptoid.com. | |
| Ladies and gentlemen. | |
| Ladies and gentlemen, this emergency meeting of the New World Order of Masonic Illuminati is now in session. | |
| Everyone got coffee? | |
| Good. | |
| Ladies and gentlemen, you all know why we're here. | |
| Science is in crisis. | |
| The public has discovered that faith-based knowledge works just as well. | |
| And it's a lot cheaper. | |
| Here to discuss the problem is the crown prince of corporatism, the sultan of science, the Raja of reason, our very own exalted Grand Illuminatus. | |
| Let's give him a warm Bohemian Grove welcome. | |
| What do you say? | |
| Thank you. | |
| Thank you. | |
| Please take your seats. | |
| I've invited you, the elite of the scientific world from around the world, to my super secret lair for one purpose and one purpose only. | |
| Tonight, we will address the most dangerous, the most insidious, the most drastic threat to our continued prosperity since we had to cover up the fountain of youth. | |
| Where'd we hide it anyway? | |
| Vegas. | |
| It's outside the Bellagio. | |
| Just down the street from the Scientology Volcano at the Mirage. | |
| The public has discovered that they don't need us, that our evidence and our research have been nothing but a smokescreen to hide our greatest secret. | |
| That our so-called science is a fraud and a cheap grab for cash. | |
| Already some amongst us have felt the consequences. | |
| Forced to drive automobiles with less impressive hood ornaments. | |
| So what are we to do? | |
| What indeed? | |
| While our revenues are dwindling, our enemies rekindling, new avenues for swindling are forming in my mind. | |
| But with every plan that I produce, it seems a screw or two is loose. | |
| And though my plotting is profuse, the world's no longer blind. | |
| A hundred years of record profits, foisting facts on school-age Muppets. | |
| From the bottom to the top, it's fading like a dream. | |
| With new age crystals and ID, detox and homeopathy, they scorn our scientifically delineated scheme. | |
| And so we're screwed. | |
| Who knew the public was so shrewd? | |
| I have no choice but to conclude, though it's crude, folks, we're screwed. | |
| No doubt, we're screwed. | |
| It's put me in a nasty mood. | |
| We'll have to go to KFC or Mickey D's for food. | |
| We're screwed! | |
| The public has discovered that big pharma is a lie and that double-blinded testing tells a tale that's gone awry. | |
| So they turn to nature for their fix and throw some wheatgrass in the mix. | |
| There's coffee in their bag of tricks. | |
| So bid your bills goodbye. | |
| According to their God in heaven, 2 plus 2 is 9-11, both Twin Towers, Building 7, and the Pentagon. | |
| The Truthers started their attack, the Builder Burgers beaten back. | |
| With no conspiracies to track, how could we carry on? | |
| We have the military plan to holy own the holy lands to maximize our profits and control the oil supply. | |
| But Action News on Channel 9 said water runs your car just fine. | |
| Now Mobile's maxed its credit line. | |
| More profits kissed goodbye. | |
| We're screwed! | |
| Our latest efforts to collude provide the enemy renewed attitude. | |
| Thus we're screwed. | |
| I'm telling you, we're screwed. | |
| Though we were glad when it debuted. | |
| Our master plan was surely prematurely valuehood. | |
| We're screwed! | |
| Psychologists are filled with dread of psychics talking with the dead. | |
| Can't charge a dime to shrink your head. | |
| A seance works as well. | |
| We tried to hide this wondrous truth. | |
| We fought the seers nail and tooth, employing methods most uncouth to keep our clientele. | |
| Not so much a long, long time ago. | |
| Six hundred and trues or so. | |
| The earth formed in a single glow. | |
| A song Jesus breathed All the false souls that we planted. | |
| All the theories that we stand at. | |
| Such an history can raise. | |
| My friends, we're screwed. | |
| We're so filthy sticking rich. | |
| Cashing those bonds that you renewed. | |
| Now we'll be living in a dish. | |
| We'll have to give the boot to all the loot that we've accrued. | |
| We're screwed. | |
| Sometimes life can be a death. | |
| So many people eat organic, immunized from poison panic. | |
| Pesticides that made them manic can't infect them now. | |
| So let's falsify nutrition labels. | |
| Just a phone call to our stables. | |
| Poison poised upon their tables kills that sacred cow. | |
| But we have other cards to play. | |
| Call up Roswell straight away. | |
| Launch our alien judgment day and make the people beg. | |
| We'll fluoridate their food supply and spray some chemtrails in the sky. | |
| Mind control from up on high. | |
| We'll take them down a peg. | |
| Oh, they're so screwed. | |
| They should have never made us common glue. | |
| Cause now we're gonna win this feud. | |
| They've pursued. | |
| Yup. | |
| They're screwed. | |
| They're all so screwed. | |
| The psychics and the truthers and the sheeple and their brood are screwed. | |
| And if they still won't buy our con, we'll turn our new collider on. | |
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Vengeance Takes Earth
00:02:09
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| In microseconds, Earth is gone. | |
| Our vengeance takes its toll. | |
| If they won't pay us, I decree. | |
| Activate the LHC. | |
| The final thing they'll never see is a giant black hole! | |
| You're listening to Skeptoid. | |
| I'm Brian Dunning from Skeptoid.com. | |
| Hello, everyone. | |
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