Skeptoid - Skeptoid #150: Screwed!
Aired: 2009-04-21
Duration: 12:27


=== Living in a Dish (10:14) ===

[00:00:03]  It's a 50th anniversary episode, and that means just one thing at Skeptoid, a celebratory, lavish musical.
[00:00:12]  Today, we're going to be a fly on the wall at a meeting of the Illuminati.
[00:00:17]  If we're lucky, we'll get to hear their assessment of how well their project is going to pull the wall over the eyes of the world population and make them believe in their so-called science.
[00:00:31]  Screwed is coming up right now on Skeptoid.
[00:00:41]  A quick reminder for everyone, you're listening to Skeptoid, revealing the true science and true history behind urban legends every week since 2006.
[00:00:52]  With over a thousand episodes, we're celebrating 20 years of keeping it focused and keeping it brief.
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[00:01:39]  You're listening to Skeptoid.
[00:01:40]  I'm Brian Dunning from Skeptoid.com.
[00:02:07]  Ladies and gentlemen.
[00:02:09]  Ladies and gentlemen, this emergency meeting of the New World Order of Masonic Illuminati is now in session.
[00:02:17]  Everyone got coffee?
[00:02:19]  Good.
[00:02:20]  Ladies and gentlemen, you all know why we're here.
[00:02:24]  Science is in crisis.
[00:02:26]  The public has discovered that faith-based knowledge works just as well.
[00:02:31]  And it's a lot cheaper.
[00:02:33]  Here to discuss the problem is the crown prince of corporatism, the sultan of science, the Raja of reason, our very own exalted Grand Illuminatus.
[00:02:46]  Let's give him a warm Bohemian Grove welcome.
[00:02:48]  What do you say?
[00:02:52]  Thank you.
[00:02:53]  Thank you.
[00:02:54]  Please take your seats.
[00:02:56]  I've invited you, the elite of the scientific world from around the world, to my super secret lair for one purpose and one purpose only.
[00:03:07]  Tonight, we will address the most dangerous, the most insidious, the most drastic threat to our continued prosperity since we had to cover up the fountain of youth.
[00:03:19]  Where'd we hide it anyway?
[00:03:21]  Vegas.
[00:03:21]  It's outside the Bellagio.
[00:03:23]  Just down the street from the Scientology Volcano at the Mirage.
[00:03:27]  The public has discovered that they don't need us, that our evidence and our research have been nothing but a smokescreen to hide our greatest secret.
[00:03:38]  That our so-called science is a fraud and a cheap grab for cash.
[00:03:45]  Already some amongst us have felt the consequences.
[00:03:48]  Forced to drive automobiles with less impressive hood ornaments.
[00:04:00]  So what are we to do?
[00:04:03]  What indeed?
[00:04:07]  While our revenues are dwindling, our enemies rekindling, new avenues for swindling are forming in my mind.
[00:04:17]  But with every plan that I produce, it seems a screw or two is loose.
[00:04:22]  And though my plotting is profuse, the world's no longer blind.
[00:04:28]  A hundred years of record profits, foisting facts on school-age Muppets.
[00:04:33]  From the bottom to the top, it's fading like a dream.
[00:04:36]  With new age crystals and ID, detox and homeopathy, they scorn our scientifically delineated scheme.
[00:04:49]  And so we're screwed.
[00:04:54]  Who knew the public was so shrewd?
[00:04:57]  I have no choice but to conclude, though it's crude, folks, we're screwed.
[00:05:03]  No doubt, we're screwed.
[00:05:05]  It's put me in a nasty mood.
[00:05:09]  We'll have to go to KFC or Mickey D's for food.
[00:05:12]  We're screwed!
[00:05:15]  The public has discovered that big pharma is a lie and that double-blinded testing tells a tale that's gone awry.
[00:05:22]  So they turn to nature for their fix and throw some wheatgrass in the mix.
[00:05:26]  There's coffee in their bag of tricks.
[00:05:33]  So bid your bills goodbye.
[00:05:43]  According to their God in heaven, 2 plus 2 is 9-11, both Twin Towers, Building 7, and the Pentagon.
[00:05:51]  The Truthers started their attack, the Builder Burgers beaten back.
[00:05:55]  With no conspiracies to track, how could we carry on?
[00:06:02]  We have the military plan to holy own the holy lands to maximize our profits and control the oil supply.
[00:06:11]  But Action News on Channel 9 said water runs your car just fine.
[00:06:15]  Now Mobile's maxed its credit line.
[00:06:17]  More profits kissed goodbye.
[00:06:19]  We're screwed!
[00:06:21]  Our latest efforts to collude provide the enemy renewed attitude.
[00:06:28]  Thus we're screwed.
[00:06:30]  I'm telling you, we're screwed.
[00:06:33]  Though we were glad when it debuted.
[00:06:37]  Our master plan was surely prematurely valuehood.
[00:06:40]  We're screwed!
[00:06:51]  Psychologists are filled with dread of psychics talking with the dead.
[00:06:55]  Can't charge a dime to shrink your head.
[00:06:57]  A seance works as well.
[00:07:00]  We tried to hide this wondrous truth.
[00:07:02]  We fought the seers nail and tooth, employing methods most uncouth to keep our clientele.
[00:07:11]  Not so much a long, long time ago.
[00:07:18]  Six hundred and trues or so.
[00:07:26]  The earth formed in a single glow.
[00:07:32]  A song Jesus breathed All the false souls that we planted.
[00:07:45]  All the theories that we stand at.
[00:07:51]  Such an history can raise.
[00:08:07]  My friends, we're screwed.
[00:08:11]  We're so filthy sticking rich.
[00:08:13]  Cashing those bonds that you renewed.
[00:08:15]  Now we'll be living in a dish.
[00:08:19]  We'll have to give the boot to all the loot that we've accrued.
[00:08:24]  We're screwed.
[00:08:25]  Sometimes life can be a death.
[00:08:45]  So many people eat organic, immunized from poison panic.
[00:08:50]  Pesticides that made them manic can't infect them now.
[00:08:58]  So let's falsify nutrition labels.
[00:09:03]  Just a phone call to our stables.
[00:09:06]  Poison poised upon their tables kills that sacred cow.
[00:09:10]  But we have other cards to play.
[00:09:12]  Call up Roswell straight away.
[00:09:14]  Launch our alien judgment day and make the people beg.
[00:09:25]  We'll fluoridate their food supply and spray some chemtrails in the sky.
[00:09:29]  Mind control from up on high.
[00:09:31]  We'll take them down a peg.
[00:09:33]  Oh, they're so screwed.
[00:09:36]  They should have never made us common glue.
[00:09:40]  Cause now we're gonna win this feud.
[00:09:43]  They've pursued.
[00:09:45]  Yup.
[00:09:46]  They're screwed.
[00:09:49]  They're all so screwed.
[00:10:00]  The psychics and the truthers and the sheeple and their brood are screwed.
[00:10:09]  And if they still won't buy our con, we'll turn our new collider on.

=== Vengeance Takes Earth (02:09) ===

[00:10:17]  In microseconds, Earth is gone.
[00:10:21]  Our vengeance takes its toll.
[00:10:25]  If they won't pay us, I decree.
[00:10:28]  Activate the LHC.
[00:10:32]  The final thing they'll never see is a giant black hole!
[00:10:43]  You're listening to Skeptoid.
[00:11:12]  I'm Brian Dunning from Skeptoid.com.
[00:11:21]  Hello, everyone.
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[00:12:09]  Remember that skepticism is the best medicine.
[00:12:14]  Next to giggling, of course.
[00:12:16]  Until next time, this is Adrienne Hill.
[00:12:26]  From PRX.