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Jan. 1, 2007 - Skeptoid
08:36
Skeptoid #18: The "New" Bill of Rights

An amended Bill of Rights to better reflect modern American values. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Time Text
A Cynical New Bill of Rights 00:02:41
I'm just going to throw out a giant disclaimer to start this episode.
It's an incredibly cynical reading of the American Bill of Rights, loosely based on the way many people tend to take liberties with its application, but parodied to the point of absurdity.
The sad thing is that probably some people fully agree with this new version of it.
The new Bill of Rights is coming up next on Skeptoid.
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I'm Brian Dunning from Skeptoid.com.
The Bill of Rights.
The first 10 amendments to the United States Constitution are called the Bill of Rights.
It was adopted in 1791, two years after the Constitution went into effect.
Some have said that the Bill of Rights represents one of mankind's greatest leaps forward, establishing a new and previously unheard of standard for personal and national liberty.
However, in recent decades, it's begun to show its age and is no longer relevant to the lives of modern Americans.
It no longer represents our politically correct culture.
So I hereby propose this amended Bill of Rights to better reflect what Americans truly want.
The First Amendment, Freedom of Speech.
You have the right to never be exposed to speech which might possibly offend someone somewhere.
The government shall maintain a Federal Communications Commission to thoroughly censor all broadcast media and impose strict fines on any and all offensive content.
The Second Amendment, right of the people to keep and bear arms.
Guaranteed Freedom From Offense 00:04:34
You have the right to be guaranteed that no law-abiding citizens living near you may ever be armed with dangerous weapons.
Third Amendment, protection from quartering of troops.
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, unless that house is in some foreign country.
Fourth Amendment, protection from unreasonable search and seizure.
The right of the people to be secure shall be protected by frequent searches and seizures upon persons of a different race.
The unreasonable cruelty of a warrant shall not be imposed.
Fifth Amendment, due process, double jeopardy, self-incrimination, and private property.
No person shall be held to answer for any crime unless adequate due process be applied and applied and applied and applied and applied.
Private property shall not be taken for public use except to create a Walmart.
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Sixth Amendment, trial by jury and other rights of the accused.
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial and to be released from all responsibility for that crime if enough Hollywood celebrities feel that he has turned over a new leaf.
Seventh Amendment, civil trial by jury.
In any and every dispute in business, family, sports, or entertainment, where the value and controversy shall exceed $20, a court of the United States shall always be called upon to settle all matters through lengthy and expensive litigation.
Eighth Amendment, prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment.
Cruel and unusual punishment, such as mishandling your Quran or making you perform a human pyramid, shall never be inflicted, except in fraternity houses.
Ninth Amendment, protection of rights not specifically enumerated in the Bill of Rights.
The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights shall not be construed to mean that people have any other rights.
In fact, you are guaranteed that people you don't like or who are of a different ethnic background than you shall have no implied rights at all.
Tenth Amendment, Power of States and People.
Neither the states nor the people shall ever infringe on your rights to have the federal government force everyone to adopt your personal opinions.
These proposed amendments are humbly submitted by the majority of the American public, excepting only those who prefer that the Bill of Rights be replaced by the Ten Commandments.
For their speedy adoption, will this petitioner ever pray?
Support Skeptoid With Coffee 00:01:16
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