Aug. 8, 2025 - Rubin Report - Dave Rubin
15:01
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Alright guys, as you know, I am off the grid, no computer, no phone, no TV, nothing electric, not even my Game Boy. | ||
| But here I am still making content for you from the past, I suppose. | ||
| It's the future now. | ||
| I'm in the past as I'm doing this. | ||
| South Park Clips, here we go. | ||
|
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Treatment is fast and effective and doesn't use harmful drugs. | |
| Watch closely as I apply treatment to the first child. | ||
| I want a horse. | ||
| I want a big brown horse with a fluffy black tail with a diamond char. | ||
| Sit down and stay. | ||
| That's the way we did it in my day. | ||
|
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Sit out and study! | |
| Stop crying and do your schoolwork! | ||
| If you would like more information on my bold new treatments, please send away for this free brochure entitled You Can Either Calm Down or I Could Pop You in the Mouth Again. | ||
| Do you know what they I think I said this on the show once. | ||
| In my day, what we used to do, I had a kid in third or fourth grade, I can't remember, maybe his name was Richie, and he had what we didn't have ADHD back then, he had whatever he had, and what they decided to do, they literally took a box of like a dryer or a washing machine from somewhere in the school, and they just put him in the box. | ||
| They opened up the top so he had access to fresh air, but he was just in the box. | ||
| That's what we did back in my day. | ||
| I'm sure they were hitting them too, but you know. | ||
| All right, what do we got? | ||
|
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Put these teeth in. | |
| And just say hello and please a lot. | ||
| Oh, hello, please. | ||
| There's a real theme with you guys. | ||
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Bing, bing. | |
| Hello, please. | ||
| Oh, welcome to P.F. Chang's. | ||
| I'll be right with you. | ||
| Eric, these people aren't Chinese. | ||
| Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's already started. | ||
| White people are in here working for the Chinese. | ||
| They're selling out their own country. | ||
| Uh, can I help you? | ||
| Oh, yes, hello, please. | ||
| We are Chinese P.F.R. | ||
| Hello, please. | ||
| Ping, bing, bing, bing. | ||
| See you soon. | ||
| Uh, yeah, why don't I seat you over here? | ||
| Your waitress will be right with you. | ||
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What the hell is going on here? | |
| We've got to sneak our way into the back, buddies. | ||
| There they are. | ||
| Chinese people. | ||
| There's Chinese people right over there! | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You see them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god, the Chinese are here. | ||
| Okay, okay, I'm freaked out. | ||
| I'm freaking out. | ||
| Stay cold, Eric. | ||
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They're right over there, and they're going to start screaming and banging on those drums, and then they get... | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Alright, we need to go over there and find out what we can from those commi rats. | ||
| Oh, hurrah, freeze. | ||
| Hurrah. | ||
| How long? | ||
| So nice to see other Chinese people. | ||
| As you can see, we are Chinese people ourselves. | ||
| Bing bong, bing bong, ching chow people. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| I really don't know. | ||
| Yes, they are ching chie, they are ching chow. | ||
| So, what are the plans to take over America again? | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| I've never been to PF Chang's. | ||
| Is it any good? | ||
| Joseph, you're Chinese. | ||
| We just subjected you to that. | ||
| Is PF Chang's any good? | ||
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Not really. | |
| You would not go there with your family. | ||
| No. | ||
| You would not. | ||
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No. | |
| Next. | ||
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Get the keys, we gotta get in there! | |
| Oh! | ||
| I think... | ||
| Yeah, I knew what this one was. | ||
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What the? | |
| Dad? | ||
| Randy! | ||
| Oh, uh, there was a, there was a ghost! | ||
| It's an ectoplasm! | ||
| Did you see the ghost? | ||
| It ran through here! | ||
| It slimed me! | ||
| You son of a b****! | ||
| That was a spooky ghost. | ||
| That's a sticky situation. | ||
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Next. | |
| The category is people who annoy you. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| As always, we give you the letters R, T, S, L, and E. We just need three more consonants and a vowel. | ||
| Okay, I'd like a B, an N, and a G. And the vowel? | ||
| An O, please. | ||
| Okay, well, looks like you're going to get a lot of help here. | ||
| The category is people who annoy you. | ||
| Audience, keep quiet, please. | ||
| Uh... | ||
| well uh ten seconds mr marsh i know it but i don't think i should say it five seconds mr marsh all right Alright, I'd like to solve the puzzle! | ||
| N******! | ||
| *phone rings* | ||
| Huh? | ||
| They are quite annoying. | ||
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Ooh. | |
| Oh, naggers, of course. | ||
| Naggers. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Next. | ||
| Shoot him in the face. | ||
| Twice! | ||
| One of the teachers is having sex with a student. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. | ||
| Now, who's the teacher? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman. | ||
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A woman? | |
| Yeah, she's having sex with a boy. | ||
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Nice. | |
| No, you don't understand it. | ||
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You sure they've had sex? | |
| Yeah. | ||
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Has she performed oral sex on him? | |
| I think so. | ||
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Nice. | |
| Nice. | ||
| The crime is she isn't doing it with me. | ||
| You're right, we're sorry. | ||
| This is serious. | ||
| We need to track this student down and Give him his luckiest boy in America medal right away. | ||
| *laughter* *Sigh* | ||
| There's a double standard. | ||
| I guess that was the point of the comedy program. | ||
|
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We want privacy! | |
| We want privacy! | ||
| Hey, thanks for having us on the show. | ||
| It's so awesome to be here, it's great. | ||
| So let me start with you, sir. | ||
| You've lived a life with the royal family, you've had everything handed to you, but you're saying your life has been hard, and now you've written all about it in your new book, Wing. | ||
| Yes, that's right, friend. | ||
| You see, my wife and I are totally like, you should write a book, because your family is like stupid, and then so are like journalists. | ||
| So you hate journalists. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And now you wrote a book that reports on the lives of the royal family. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So you're a journalist. | ||
| We just want to be normal people. | ||
| All this attention is so hard. | ||
| Isn't it true, sir, that your questionable wife has her own TV show and hangs out with celebrities and does fashion magazines? | ||
| What are you suggesting? | ||
| Well, I just think some people might say that your Instagram-loving wife actually doesn't want her privacy. | ||
| How dare you, sir? | ||
| My Instagram-loving wife has always wanted her privacy. | ||
| And you know what else? | ||
| To hell with Canada. | ||
| We are leaving. | ||
| We'll go find some quiet place where we can be normal people. | ||
| Come on, wife. | ||
| We want privacy. | ||
| And where'd they go? | ||
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LA? | |
| They went to LA after that, didn't they? | ||
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No. | |
| One thing I said that I will never do. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| One look from you and I would fall from grace. | ||
| And that would wipe the smile right from my face. | ||
| Do you remember when we used to dance? | ||
| And it said, thank you, Rose, from circumstance. | ||
| One thing that to another we were young. | ||
| And we would stream together. | ||
| It was the heat of the moment. | ||
| T Is that foreigner who sings this song? | ||
| Heat of the moment. | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| Asia. | ||
| Not Toto, but Asia. | ||
| We've never had a night like that, right? | ||
| We've never had a group chat like that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Very professional operation here. | ||
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Now, we need some testimony in order to arrest Chef. | |
| So I'm going to use this doll to ask you kids a few questions. | ||
| Did Chef ever touch any of you here? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, did he touch you here? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did he ever do this? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| My uncle Bud did that to me once. | ||
|
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Did Chef ever try one of these on for size? | |
| God damn it, Chef isn't like that. | ||
| Something funny is going on here. | ||
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Young man, will you please pay attention? | |
| This is very important stuff. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
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Oh. | |
| I come from a Jewish family, which of course you already know because Kyle's from the same family. | ||
| I like to read, and I have these polyps on the back of my hands. | ||
| I don't know what they are. | ||
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Oh my god. | |
| I'm not going to make it. | ||
| I'm not going to make it. | ||
| Oh, and I hope one day to be an investment banker. | ||
| I must find it. | ||
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Need for it. | |
| Okay, why don't you go ahead and take a seat, Kyle? | ||
| I wouldn't say that's all that's available. | ||
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I usually prefer the plastic ones because these give me splinters. | |
| I'm sorry, Kyle, you just have to make do. | ||
| Now let's go back to the. | ||
| Is it really cold here? | ||
| I realize we're in the mountains, but do we have to freeze today? | ||
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Now, Kyle, I need you to be quiet. | |
| In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. | ||
| Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class. | ||
| Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration camp. | ||
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Ah! | |
| Damn it! | ||
| Zing. | ||
| That was funny. | ||
|
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I feel honored to be a part of history. | |
| I have a lot of incredible trans friends who are athletes, and so we're all inspired this woman's competing. | ||
| Uh huh. | ||
| And, uh, have you actually ever met Heather Swanson? | ||
| Uh, no, I've never competed against her before, no. | ||
| She's not exactly your average trans athl trans athlete? | ||
| Honestly, I find that kind of bigoted, David. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Heather Swanson is actually joining us now. | ||
| Miss Swanson, how does it feel to be competing today? | ||
| I can't tell you how free I feel now that I've started identifying as a woman. | ||
| That's the real macho man. | ||
|
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Now that I can compete. | |
| That's the real macho man. | ||
|
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Ready to smash the other curtain. | |
| He's dead. | ||
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And is it correct you just started identifying as female two weeks ago? | |
| I'm not here to talk about my transition. | ||
| I'm here to kick. | ||
| Let me tell you something, Dingleberry. | ||
| David Perry. | ||
| I'm gonna roll up the other women here and I'm gonna smoke them I am the strongest woman this state has ever seen any words for the challenger Miss Woman good luck Heather luck is for dudes feminism you here for an abortion too Yeah, | ||
| I discovered a few days ago I wasn't bleeding out my coups, so I guess I'm knocked up. | ||
| Is this doctor any good? | ||
| Mrs. Garrison? | ||
| Oh, that's me. | ||
| Hello, doctor. | ||
| It looks like I need an abortion. | ||
| An abortion? | ||
| Yeah, I've got one growing inside me. | ||
| Now, are you going to scramble its brains or just vacuum it out? | ||
| If you want, you can just scramble it and I'll queef it out myself. | ||
| Mr. Garrison. | ||
| Mrs. Garrison? | ||
| Mrs. Garrison, you can't have an abortion. | ||
| Don't you tell me what I can and can't do with my body? | ||
| A woman has a right to choose. | ||
| No, I mean you're physically unable to have an abortion because you can't get pregnant. | ||
| But I missed my period. | ||
| You can't have periods either. | ||
| You had a sex change, Mr. Garrison. | ||
| but you don't have ovaries or a womb you don't produce eggs you mean I'll never know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside me and then scramble its brains and vacuum it out that's right but I paid five thousand dollars to be a woman this would mean I'm not really a woman it's I'm just a I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis basically yes oh boy do I feel like a jackass Democrats are weird. | ||
| They're weird. | ||
|
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Randy, do you mind cleaning out the garage like I asked? | |
| What's the point, Sharon?. | ||
| Soon they're gonna be coming after me. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Hey, you. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You. | ||
| Wouldn't you like to know the story of you? | ||
| What makes you you? | ||
|
unidentified
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DNA and me is a genetic service that can help you find out exactly who your ancestors were. | |
| You might be surprised. | ||
| I thought I was just a standard white guy, but DNA and me showed that I'm actually 4.2% Cherokee Indian. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
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Turns out I'm not totally white. | |
| I'm also part Northern Asian and even some Kurdish. | ||
| I'm a victim of oppression. | ||
| I used to get in trouble for always using the N word. | ||
| But with DNA and me, I found out that I'm 2.1% black. | ||
| Morning, Steve? | ||
| Stop, Nick. | ||
| The test is easy. | ||
| Simply swab the inside of your mouth and send it into our labs. | ||
| People made fun of me for being French. | ||
| DNA and me showed I was 8% Navajo. | ||
| Nobody's making fun of me now or my people who were victims. | ||
| I'm 13% victim. | ||
| I'm 21% victim. | ||
| Order now and find out if your friends should be more sympathetic towards you. | ||
| DNA and me. | ||
| Are you in? | ||
| Hell-f ⁇ ing yes, I'm in. | ||
| Democrats are weird. | ||
|
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Come on down south, Bobby, and meet some friends, man. | |
| Hey, Butters, you got a minute? | ||
| Sure, Eric. | ||
| I don't know what to do. | ||
|
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Kids are starting to make fun of me because I'm no good at sarcastic ball. | |
| I suck at being nice and polite. | ||
| I'm so good at sucking, I should work at a Thai massage parlor. | ||
| Oh, no, Eric, you're a great player. | ||
| No, I just don't have the mojo you have, Butters. | ||
| Oh, well, Eric, I told you. | ||
| Everyone has a creamy feeling inside them, where all the feelings of compassion and joy come from. | ||
| Oh, didn't your dad ever tell you that? | ||
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I don't have it, dad. | |
| Oh, right, I'm sorry. | ||
| Well, everyone has a creamy feeling, Eric. | ||
| And some people have so much of that feeling that it comes out sometimes. | ||
| A lot of times when I go to sleep, and especially if I'm having wonderful dreams that make me feel really good, sometimes I wake up. | ||
| And when I wake up, I realize some of my goo has come out. | ||
| Oh, geez, there's a lot this time. | ||
| But I always make sure I keep it. | ||
| Just in case I ever run out of all my happy sunshine feelings. | ||
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You save it all? | |
| My goo doesn't come out every night, but I sure do seem to have a surplus of it. | ||
|
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Butters, do you think your goo might work on someone else? | |
| I don't know. | ||
|
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I never really thought of it that way. | |
| Oh, God. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| It's kind of a grapey, bleachy flavor. | ||
| Do you feel warm and compassionate? | ||
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Holy shit. | |
| I think I do. | ||
| What are we healing, guys? |
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