Aug. 8, 2025 - Rubin Report - Dave Rubin
15:01
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Alright guys, as you know, I am off the grid. | ||
| No computer, no phone, no TV, nothing electric, not even my Game Boy. | ||
| But here I am still making content for you from the past, I suppose. | ||
| It's the future now. | ||
| I'm in the past as I'm doing this. | ||
| Uh, South Park Clips, here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
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Treatment is fast and effective and doesn't use harmful drugs. | |
| Watch closely as I apply treatment to the first child. | ||
| Sit down and study! | ||
| That's the way we did it in my day. | ||
|
unidentified
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Sit out and study! | |
| Stop crying and do your schoolwork! | ||
| If you would like more information on my bold new treatments, please send away for this free brochure entitled, You Can Either Calm Down or I Can Pop You in the Mouth Again. | ||
| Do you know what they I think I said this on the show once in my day? | ||
| What we used to do, I had a kid in third or fourth grade. | ||
| I cannot remember. | ||
| Maybe his name was Richie. | ||
| And he had what we didn't have ADHD back then. | ||
| He had whatever he had. | ||
| And what they decided to do, they literally took a box of like a dryer or a washing machine from somewhere in the school and they just put him in the box. | ||
| They opened up the top so he had access to fresh air, but he was just in the box. | ||
| That's what we did back in my day. | ||
|
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I'm sure they were hitting them too, but you know, all right, what do we got? | |
| And just say hello and breathe a lot. | ||
| Oh, hello, Prize. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Hello, Proof. | ||
| Uh, welcome to P.F. Changs. | ||
| I'll be right with you. | ||
| Oh, my God, oh my god, oh my god! | ||
| What? | ||
| It's already started! | ||
| White people in here working for the Chinese! | ||
| Selling out their own country! | ||
| Uh, can I help you? | ||
| Oh, yes, hello, Prize! | ||
| We are Chinese Payball! | ||
| Hello, Pruze! | ||
| Ping Cow, Ding! | ||
| Uh, yeah, why don't I seat you over here? | ||
| Your waitress will be right with you. | ||
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Virtual, say, Sharp! | |
| What the hell is going on here? | ||
| We've got to sneak our way into the back buddies. | ||
| There they are! | ||
| Chinese people! | ||
| There's Chinese people right over there! | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You see them? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Oh my gosh, the Chinese are here. | ||
| Okay, okay, I'm freaked out. | ||
| I'm freaking out. | ||
| Hey, Coleman Eric. | ||
| They're right over there, and they're gonna start screaming and begging on those drugs. | ||
| And then they get Thank you, butters. | ||
| All right, we need to go over there and find out what we can from those cabbie rats. | ||
| Oh, hello, Freeze! | ||
| Hello! | ||
| Hello, wolf! | ||
| So nice to see all our Chinese people! | ||
| As you can see, we are Chinese people ourselves. | ||
| Ving vong, ving vong! | ||
| Change our tea time! | ||
| Tamza cash, my ah. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Fiance here! | ||
| Final Facebook Changesh! | ||
| So! | ||
| What are the plans to take over America again? | ||
| I forgot! | ||
| I've never been to PF Changs. | ||
| Is it any good? | ||
| Joseph, you're Chinese. | ||
| We just subjected you to that. | ||
| Is PF Changs any good? | ||
|
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Not really. | |
| You would not go there with your family. | ||
|
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No. | |
| You would not. | ||
|
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No. | |
| Next. | ||
|
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Get the keys, we gotta get in there! | |
| I think... | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Yeah, I knew what this one was. | ||
|
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What the? | |
| Dad? | ||
| Randy! | ||
| Oh, uh, there was a... | ||
| There was a ghost! | ||
| This ectoplasm! | ||
| Did you see the ghost? | ||
| It ran through here! | ||
| It slimed me! | ||
| You son of a! | ||
| Oh, no, it wasn't me, that was a spooky ghost! | ||
| That's a sticky situation. | ||
|
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Next. | |
| The category is people who annoy you. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| As always, we give you the letters R-T-S-L-N-E. | ||
| We just need three more consonants and a vowel. | ||
| Okay, I'd like a B, an N, and a G. And the vowel? | ||
| An O, please. | ||
| Okay, well, looks like you're gonna get a lot of help here. | ||
| Category is people who annoy you. | ||
| Audience, keep quiet, please. | ||
| Uh. | ||
| Well, uh. | ||
| Ten seconds, Mr. Marsh. | ||
| I know it, but I don't think I should say it. | ||
| Five seconds, Mr. Marsh. | ||
| Alright, I'd like to solve the puzzle! | ||
| N*********s! | ||
| Huh? | ||
| *Squeak* | ||
| They are quite annoying. | ||
|
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Ooh. | |
| Oh, naggers, of course. | ||
| Naggers. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Next. | ||
| Shoot him in the face. | ||
| Twice. | ||
| One of the teachers is having sex with a student. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| This is terrible. | ||
| You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. | ||
| Now, who is the teacher? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Well, it isn't a guy teacher. | ||
| It's a woman. | ||
| A woman? | ||
| Yeah, she's having sex with a boy. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| No, you don't understand. | ||
| You sure they've had sex? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Had she performed oral sex on him? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| The crime is she isn't doing it with me. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| We're sorry. | ||
| This is serious. | ||
| We need to track this student down and give him his luckiest boy in America medal right away. | ||
| There's a double standard. | ||
| I guess that was the point of the comedy program. | ||
|
unidentified
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We want privacy! | |
| We want privacy! | ||
| Hey, thanks for having us on the show! | ||
| It's so awesome to bear it, Scrap. | ||
| So let me start with you, sir. | ||
| You've lived a life with the royal family. | ||
| You've had everything handed to you, but you're saying your life has been hot, and now you've written all about it in your new book, Win. | ||
| Yes, that's right, friend. | ||
| You see, my wife and I are taller, like, you should write a book because your family looks stupid and then sort of like journalists. | ||
| So you hate journalists? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And now you wrote a book that reports on the lives of the royal family. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So you're a journalist. | ||
| We just want to be normal people. | ||
| All this attention is so hard. | ||
| Isn't it true, sir, that your questionable wife has her own TV show and hangs out with celebrities and does fashion magazines? | ||
| What are you suggesting? | ||
| Well, I just think some people might say that your Instagram-loving wife actually doesn't want her privacy. | ||
| How dare you, sir? | ||
| My Instagram-loving wife has always wanted her privacy. | ||
| And you know what else? | ||
| To hell with Canada! | ||
| We are leaving! | ||
| We'll go find some quiet place where we can be normal people. | ||
| Come on, wife! | ||
| We want privacy! | ||
| Where'd they go? | ||
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LA? | |
| They went to L.A. after that, didn't they? | ||
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Never meant to be so bad to you. | |
| One thing I said that I would never do. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| One look from you, and I would fall from grace. | ||
| And that would wipe the smile right from my face. | ||
| Do you remember when we used to dance? | ||
| And it's against rules and circumstance. | ||
| One thing led to another we were young. | ||
| And we would swim together songs on song. | ||
| It was the heat of the moment. | ||
| Telling me what your mother meant. | ||
| The heat of the moment. | ||
| Is that foreigner who sings this song? | ||
| Heat of the moment. | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| Asia. | ||
|
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Not Todo, but Asia. | |
| We've never had a night like that, right? | ||
| We've never read a group chat like that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Very professional operation here. | ||
|
unidentified
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Now, we need some testimony in order to arrest Chef. | |
| So I'm going to use this doll to ask you kids a few questions. | ||
| Did Chef ever touch any of you here? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, did he touch you here? | ||
| No! | ||
| Did he ever do this? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| My Uncle Bud did that to me once. | ||
| Did Chef ever try one of these on for size? | ||
| God damn it, Chef isn't like that. | ||
| Something funny is going on here. | ||
| Young man, will you please pay attention? | ||
| This is very important stuff. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Ooh! | ||
| Ooh! | ||
| I come from a Jewish family, which, of course, you already know because Kyle's from the same family. | ||
| I like to read, and I have these polyps on the backs of my hands. | ||
| I don't know what they are. | ||
| I'm not gonna make it. | ||
| I'm not gonna make it. | ||
| Oh, and I hope one day to be an investment banker. | ||
| Must fad it. | ||
| Need floaty. | ||
| That is. | ||
| Okay, why don't you go ahead and take a seat, Kyle? | ||
| I wouldn't do all that are available. | ||
| I usually prefer the plastic ones because these give me splinters. | ||
| I'm sorry, Kyle. | ||
| You just have to make do. | ||
| Now let's get back to the. | ||
| Is it cold in here? | ||
| I realize we're in the mountains, but do we have to freeze today? | ||
| Now, Kyle, I need you to be quiet. | ||
| In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. | ||
| Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class. | ||
| Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration camp. | ||
| Ah, damn it. | ||
| That was funny. | ||
|
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I feel honored to be a part of history. | |
| I have a lot of incredible trans friends who are athletes, and so we're all inspired. | ||
| This woman's competing. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And have you actually ever met Heather Swanson? | ||
| Uh, no, I've never competed against her before. | ||
| No. | ||
| She's not exactly your average trans athlete. | ||
| Well, what is an average trans athlete? | ||
| Honestly, I find that kind of bigoted, David. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Heather Swanson is actually joining us now. | ||
| Miss Swanson, how does it feel to be competing today? | ||
| I can't tell you how free I feel now that I've started identifying as a woman. | ||
| That's the real macho, man. | ||
|
unidentified
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Now that I can compete with you. | |
| He's dead. | ||
|
unidentified
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And is it correct? | |
| You just started identifying as female two weeks ago. | ||
| I'm not here to talk about my transition. | ||
| I'm here to kick some fingers. | ||
| Let me tell you something, Dingleberry. | ||
| David Perry. | ||
| I'm gonna rule up the other women here and I'm gonna smoke them. | ||
| I am the strongest woman this state has ever seen. | ||
| Any words for the challenger and Miss Woman? | ||
| Uh, good luck, Heather. | ||
|
unidentified
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Luck is for dudes. | |
| Feminism. | ||
|
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Feminism. | |
| You here for an abortion, too? | ||
| Yeah, I discovered a few days ago I wasn't bleeding out my coup, so I guess I'm knocked up. | ||
| Is this doctor any good? | ||
| Mrs. Garrison? | ||
| Oh, that's me. | ||
| Hello, doctor. | ||
| Looks like I need an abortion. | ||
| An abortion? | ||
| Yeah, I've got one growing inside me. | ||
| Now you're gonna scramble its brains or just vacuum it out. | ||
| If you want, you can just scramble it and I'll queef it out myself. | ||
| Mr. Garrison. | ||
| Mrs. Garrison? | ||
| Mrs. Garrison, you can't have an abortion. | ||
| Don't you tell me what I can and can't do with my body? | ||
| A woman has a right to choose. | ||
| No, I mean you're physically unable to have an abortion because you can't get pregnant. | ||
| But I missed my period. | ||
| You can't have periods either. | ||
| You had a sex change, Mr. Garrison, but you don't have ovaries or a womb. | ||
| You don't produce eggs. | ||
| You mean I'll never know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside me and then scramble its brains and vacuum it out? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| But I paid $5,000 to be a woman. | ||
| This would mean I'm not really a woman. | ||
| I'm just a... | ||
| Basically, yes. | ||
| Oh, boy, do I feel like a jackass. | ||
| Democrats are weird. | ||
| They're weird. | ||
|
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Flyers rip the savers 14-3. | |
| Randy, do you mind cleaning out the garage like I asked? | ||
|
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What's the point, Sharon? | |
| Soon they're gonna be coming after me. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| Hey, you. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You. | ||
| Wouldn't you like to know the story of you? | ||
| What makes you you? | ||
| DNA and me is a genetic service that can help you find out exactly who your ancestors were. | ||
| You might be surprised. | ||
| I thought I was just a standard white guy, but DNA and me showed that I'm actually 4.2% Cherokee Indian. | ||
| Turns out I'm not totally white. | ||
| I'm also part Northern Asian and even some Kurdish. | ||
| I'm a victim of oppression. | ||
| I used to get in trouble for always using the N-word, but with DNA and me, I found out that I'm 2.1% black. | ||
| Morning, Steve. | ||
| Sup, n the test is easy. | ||
| Simply swab the inside of your mouth and send it into our labs. | ||
| People made fun of me for being French. | ||
| DNA and me showed I was 8% Navajo. | ||
| Nobody's making fun of me now, or my people who are victims. | ||
| I'm 13% victim. | ||
| I'm 21% victim. | ||
| Order now and find out if your friends should be more sympathetic towards you. | ||
| DNA and me. | ||
| Are you in? | ||
| Hell fing yes, I'm in. | ||
| Democrats are weird. | ||
|
unidentified
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Come on, down south, my man. | |
| Meet some trans man. | ||
| Hey, butters, you got a minute? | ||
| Shoot, Eric. | ||
| I don't know what to do. | ||
| Kids are starting to make fun of me because I'm no good at sarcasm. | ||
| I suck at being nice and polite. | ||
| I'm so good at sucking, I should work at a Thai massage parlor. | ||
| Oh, no, Eric, you're a great player. | ||
| No, I just don't have the mojo you have, Butters. | ||
| Oh, well, Eric, I told you. | ||
| Everyone has a creamy feeling inside them, where all the feelings of compassion and joy come from. | ||
| Oh, didn't your dad ever tell you that? | ||
| I don't have it, Dad. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Well, everyone has a creamy feeling, Eric. | ||
| And some people have so much of that feeling that it comes out sometimes. | ||
| A lot of times when I go to sleep, and especially if I'm having wonderful dreams that make me feel really good, sometimes I wake up, and when I wake up, I realize some of my goo has come out. | ||
| Oh, geez, there's a lot this time. | ||
| But I always make sure I keep it, just in case I ever run out of all my happy sunshine feelings. | ||
| You save it all? | ||
| My goo doesn't come out every night, but I sure do seem to have a surplus of it. | ||
| Butters, do you think your goo might work on someone else? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I never really thought of it that way. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| It's kind of a grapey, bleachy flavor. | ||
| Do you feel warm and compassionate? | ||
| Holy sh, I think I do. | ||
| What are we doing, guys? |
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