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Dec. 14, 2023 - The Roseanne Barr Podcast

01:25:52

Roseanne artificially inseminates Kim Congdon | The Roseanne Barr Podcast #26

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	Greetings humans and earthlings!
	I'm excited to have you here with me to discuss female comedy genius, which the world needs to be so much more aware of, as it is the only hope for the future of humanity.
	And my guest is the perfect guest to discuss that with me, Kim Kongdun.
	Yeah, you got it.
	I said it right.
	No one ever gets it.
	Yeah, it's an unusual name.
	Welcome to the podcast.
	Thank you for having me.
	This is fucking awesome.
	Now we're gonna cut to the... There's no cut?
	Oh, I thought you did that.
	That guy comes in.
	So you see... Oh yeah, but I do that in every one.
	My patience is wearing thin in this synthetic bullshit fucking world we're living in.
	Oh you see, my patience is growing Listen, I love you and I wanted to go right into the first
	night I ever met you.
	It was at the magical, vortex, otherworldliness of Mitzi Shore's Karmic Comedy Store on Sunset Boulevard.
	Yes, yeah.
	It was, what a night.
	I was so excited when you were there and I tried to be really cool about it.
	I thought you were really cool.
	I'm glad you thought, because I stalked you to the back.
	I saw you go back there.
	I said, I'm going to let her get a little high, and then I'm going to go say hello.
	I'm going to let her get stoned first, and then I'm going to say hello.
	But I wanted to say hi to you so bad.
	I've been a fan forever.
	And we were talking about this earlier.
	Comedians are narcissistic.
	So I've always been like, she's just like me.
	I love her.
	I love her.
	That's how you know if somebody's really funny.
	Hey, they remind me of me.
	Exactly.
	Exactly.
	Pure narcissism.
	Isn't that what makes a comic?
	Yeah, it is.
	It's like if narcissism and self-hatred had a baby.
	That's what a comedian is.
	I said it's like a fucking virus or something.
	I said it's a curse, but it's also a blessing because you can't stop it.
	You always have to have the snappy thing.
	If you get slapped a million fucking times, it don't stop.
	It's always, yeah, you think so, and it comes out the snappy comeback.
	Yeah, I know.
	It's a virus.
	I know.
	It just is so natural.
	And to hold it in feels like you're going to get ill.
	If I have to hold an opinion about someone, I'm like, Oh, God, I think about it.
	And I really have to let it go.
	I think it's also you're right.
	It's a little bit of, we probably have all a little OCD where the thought we have in our head, we have to put it out.
	That sounds like Tourette's.
	It is a Tourette's thing.
	Yeah, something like that.
	Yeah, because I found out I do have Tourette's.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah, because all mental illness is on a scale like autism.
	Is that the excuse you use to just say the N word on this podcast?
	I have a medical Tourette's.
	My doctor says I can't help it.
	No, but then there's the issue of knowing that you're taking your life in your hands.
	Yeah.
	So then you don't really have that severe a case of Tourette's.
	Right.
	However, I do, but I refuse to be triggered by the fascist fucking government that wants to trigger me so they can take my life.
	Hence, I keep my mental illness on the scale.
	You see?
	Yeah, you gotta control your mental illness.
	At being a comic.
	Yeah.
	Now, it's one thing to be a crazy bitch, But to be a crazy bitch and a comedian, that's out of hand.
	Oh, God.
	I can't think of anything least attractive for a straight man.
	Is a woman with a microphone who amplifies her own voice and has, like, strong opinions.
	It's so unattractive.
	I'm so scared I'll never get married.
	Never.
	Never do.
	Well, you got married, like, five times, Mom.
	Yeah, you did it.
	Well, but that was before I was famous, though.
	No, two of them were after.
	I only had one child post fame.
	And ironically, he's the most balanced.
	But that's because I created him in the test tube.
	Which brings me to the night we met at the comedy store.
	Yes.
	And I said, I don't know what brought it up, but we ended up, I knew that I had known you.
	I got the feeling like I knew you.
	So I don't even remember.
	I remember you asked me how old I was.
	And we mentioned you and then you had your kids with you that night.
	And then I think you asked if we had kids.
	Do you guys have any kids?
	And I said, no, I want some, but I need to freeze my eggs.
	I can't afford them.
	And I just straight up said, can I have one of yours?
	Or you said, I have eggs.
	I do have eggs.
	I said, I have six on ice.
	I said, that sounds like you only need five.
	I'll take one.
	Yeah.
	You don't need six.
	Yeah.
	And I, I told you, you could have one of my fertilized eggs if you really wanted to have A child.
	You could have one of my fertilized eggs.
	And I might take her up on it.
	The next podcast episode we're doing, we're implanting the egg inside of me, so keep a lookout.
	We used to do that back in the 70s, all the lesbians in the collective I was in.
	I was in a woman's collective.
	Wait, were you a lesbian at some point?
	No, I was a housewife then.
	They let straight women in then.
	But we made the horrible mistake, the straight women, the mothers, we made the horrible mistake and let more than two lesbians in and they took over.
	Oh yeah, they're like rabbits.
	They take over and push you out.
	But then we kind of had everybody.
	But they drove everybody out with their, you know, that's where it all started, the politically correct horse shit.
	That's why I'm a comic.
	I was always against that.
	They told me, you can't tell your jokes.
	Can you say the word lover instead of husband?
	That's what they said to me when I was doing my act on stage.
	Like, I wasn't going through enough shit where no man would let me on any fucking stage.
	You see what I'm saying?
	Yeah.
	But then the bitches that are supposed to be on my side go, can you not say husband?
	Can you say lover?
	Or we can't allow you stage time here.
	I go, you fascist bitch, you mean fuckin' just the same?
	I'll say what I fuckin' wanna say!
	Oh God, it is a blessing and a curse not to have a filter.
	You know how many meetings I've been in with like, you know, the networks and stuff, and I'll pitch something, and they'll go like, oh, we're just looking for something more like with social justice.
	And I go, oh, alright, more unfunny TV.
	I'll just say it.
	I was like, there's already so many good things out.
	Keep doing that.
	That's working.
	TV sucks.
	Have you seen TV?
	It's horrible.
	There is nothing good.
	I can't watch the shows anymore.
	It's like, I don't really give a fuck what people do personally with their own lives.
	And it's not even like I'm trying to be like, I don't care what people do, B.U.
	I could care if you live or die.
	Like, I don't give a fuck.
	So I don't care what people do, but like, to push the shit so far to where it feels unnatural and forced.
	It's making for bad TV.
	We don't need two lesbian cops, one black, one white, named the Fosters who are fostering children, and one of them is trans and the other one's dating a drag queen.
	We don't need the episode to be like that.
	It could be a little bit of everything.
	We could throw in a seasoning every once in a while.
	Right?
	I agree.
	People deserve to have freaky trans sex if they want to, but let's not oversaturate the market with anything.
	It's just all about the outraged.
	Television by the outraged.
	People overcompensate with every opinion they have.
	If you were just chill at your opinion and just kind of didn't care, we'd all be fine.
	But everybody is like, this is the thing and it's only that.
	And so I'm like, who cares?
	It's the lesbians, I'm telling you.
	It's nothing but they don't think nothing's funny.
	My sister's a fucking lesbian.
	Mine too!
	Is she?
	Yeah.
	They don't hardly think nothing's funny.
	They're known for not having a sense of humor.
	You're not the first to say that.
	Some of them are still my fans and they come up and they say, thank God for you, Roseanne, because I'm never gonna go with a mother kind.
	You know, we understand humor and freedom of speech.
	We're not fucking Nazis like them.
	Yeah.
	And you look at them and they all look like, what's her name, with the pink hair.
	It looks like a fucking Nazi!
	Yeah.
	With pink hair and a pussy hat.
	And my daughter, the pussy hat thing, oh this is the best joke I ever wrote.
	Tell me.
	Okay.
	Okay?
	Oh my god.
	I go, looking back, when y'all were in the street with them pussy hats, Little Dick!
	You all fucking were transphobic!
	Because not every woman has a pussy!
	You transphobic bitches!
	Right?
	Am I right?
	It should have been Pussy Dick Hats, you're right.
	There was nobody walking around with a big old dick on their head.
	No one.
	Except me!
	And I did that video years ago where I actually got one of those rubber dicks That they wear.
	I filmed that.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it was traumatizing.
	Because my sister's a lesbian.
	All her friends are lesbians.
	So quite a few of them have appendages.
	It's no fucking big deal.
	What do you mean?
	Oh, you mean like sex toy appendages?
	Are you talking like... Trans men!
	It's no fucking big deal.
	Half of Mirabai's up there in Marin County.
	So you feel like out of like all the people that are comedy fans, lesbians get the most offended?
	Yes.
	Yes, they are the hardest to make laugh, unless they're drunk.
	But when they're drunk, they are the best audience.
	And that is why I charge them so much.
	I think it's white women that are the worst.
	White women right now are the worst.
	The Karens?
	The Karens.
	White women are the worst.
	For me, my worst audiences have always been when I do shows at Soho houses.
	Yeah.
	You know, like those shows, like really rich, young elites.
	Ugh, disgusting.
	They are, they're horrible.
	They'll come up to you after a show and be like, um, I really liked your set, but I just have a quick note.
	Oh no.
	Are you talking about women?
	Yeah, yeah.
	And I was like, get out of my fucking face.
	Like, what are you talking about?
	What are the notes like?
	Is it like the same note?
	I won't even hear them.
	I'm like, stop talking to me immediately.
	I don't want one note.
	Isn't it crazy?
	Yeah, it's crazy.
	I don't want a note from you.
	You've never had a job.
	Yeah.
	Well, that's why.
	That's why they're so bored.
	This is the shit they come up with because they're not working.
	Yeah.
	That's what it is.
	Can we just go back to the egg thing?
	Because I think you guys brushed over.
	It's also what we said.
	This is a big deal.
	It's bitch on bitch crime.
	It is bitch on bitch crime, which is why I like that we united and you're giving me one of your eggs.
	This is really happening.
	That's women empowerment.
	That's right.
	That's women empowerment.
	But you guys are really doing this, right?
	I want to have Roseanne's baby.
	Are you really into this?
	Because I'm being serious.
	I don't think it's a joke.
	I'm kind of into the thought of implants.
	Well, she would nurture the, you know, because I went to a lot of expense to create those fertilizers.
	And I'm Puerto Rican, so I would just love a free egg.
	You know it's fertilized, though.
	You didn't know that when you got here.
	I didn't know it came with cum on it.
	It's already a human.
	Is it STD tested?
	Yeah, it's all tested.
	That's why I introduced you to my son, because they're his siblings.
	It's going to be his brother.
	It looks just like him.
	Yeah, or sister.
	Yeah, whatever.
	Are you still into it there?
	I'm still into it.
	Yeah, he's cute.
	He's really cute.
	But like, did you want, you wanted to meet a man and have a kid with a man?
	Because he's half Norwegian.
	The problem, I was like wanting to meet a man for the...
	But like, what's the father?
	They're Norwegian.
	Okay, Norwegian.
	I don't really know what that is.
	That's Swedish.
	His IQ is probably 85.
	Norway, Finland, you know.
	They were called the Enfants in the Russian Revolution.
	They called them the Enfants, which meant the soldiers, because they used them because they were fierce.
	Battle goers.
	So that's why I biologically engineered my son to be that because the other half of him is Jewish and you know, that's all mental with a withered body and aching joints.
	Ancestral trauma.
	Yeah.
	Aching and groaning and schlepping.
	So I wanted him to balance it.
	Yeah, I wanted a human that didn't have all the shit.
	You wanted him rich but strong.
	Yeah, I wanted him mentally fit.
	Yeah.
	In every way.
	Like what would it be like?
	I have no idea.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	So okay, so there's that.
	He's my genius creation.
	That's beautiful.
	And he's like MMA fighting fucking Bad, ugly motherfucker.
	You know, like, I seen his dad.
	Here's why I bred with him.
	Because his dad used to be my bodyguard.
	One time I seen him go down the hallway ahead of me.
	We were drunk.
	He did two flips in the air, came down, and then turned around and kicked the door in backward.
	Yeah, that would have got me pregnant.
	That would have done it.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that's impressive.
	So that's in the egg, plus all this shit going through stand-up comedy for 40 fucking years of torture.
	Yeah.
	But it'll have none of your genetic coding, that's fine.
	I'm wondering, even if I'm strong enough... But she'll be the nurturer.
	Yeah, I'm even wondering if... Nurture or nature, so it'll be nature nurtured by And how I would describe you is iconoclasta, iconoclasty.
	What does that mean?
	It means you are a supreme iconoclast, which means a deep, deep thinker that can hold two disparate opinions in your mind at one time.
	It's brilliant, and that's why I just love you!
	And you're a genius because tell about how you did your special all on your own.
	Talk about you didn't wait for anybody coming and saying.
	Yeah.
	I mean, normally I think you sell, you do deals and then you sell the special and then you film it.
	But I just, I hooked up with this place called Jam in the Van.
	They do really great content, have the best cameras.
	And we, I went up to them.
	I was like, this would be a great place to do a special.
	We should work together.
	And I filmed it myself.
	I did it like exactly how they film the specials and I have it all cut up.
	And then I'm just going to bring that to people.
	Cause I feel like it's easier to show people what you already have than to give them this idea.
	Cause every, Also, if I waited on people's ideas, they would never happen.
	I have people that are like, hey, don't work on this show because I have a better idea for you.
	And I've been like, cool and still worked on the show and don't hear from them for three years.
	I'm like, I would have been waiting for you.
	And they stole everything you told them.
	And they got 15 sitcoms off it.
	Everyone's a liar and a thief, including me.
	This is your wallet.
	No, I'm just kidding.
	So you've already filmed the special?
	That's what you did this last week, right?
	I did it two nights ago, yeah.
	How did it go?
	Now she's gonna own her shit and she's gonna sell her own shit.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that's great.
	How did it go?
	That's the way to go.
	Awesome.
	It was so fun.
	It's called Childless Milf and hoping that it'll be somewhere around Valentine's Day.
	Okay.
	Childless milf is a very paradoxical childless milf.
	Jake.
	Yeah.
	I mean, she's a childless milf.
	Milf, you don't have to be a mom.
	You just have to be over 30.
	Yeah.
	That's how it is in the porn category.
	I was trying to explain this to her earlier.
	Yeah.
	I wanted you to say what you were telling me about.
	No, it's not just me.
	I mean, this is just the way it is.
	How old are you?
	I'm 33.
	So in porn, I think when you turn like 24, you're a MILF.
	Which is sad.
	It's like 28.
	My friend Mercedes Carrera is a porn star and she was making porn and then one day she was in the MILF category and she's like, oh, it must be 28.
	I must be 28 now.
	And that's what she is.
	It's like when you die at 27, you're a legend.
	But when you're in porn at 28, you're just a MILF.
	You're just a MILF.
	You're a stepmom.
	Yeah.
	Well, it is over the hill for, you know, for the, uh, I guess, for the porn industry.
	It is, yeah.
	The younger, the better, I guess.
	But I think people look younger now than they ever have before.
	You ever see, like, high schoolers in, like, the 1930s?
	Yeah, in their 40s.
	I'm like, are you 85 years old?
	Yeah, they did look old.
	They looked old as fuck.
	I don't know what was going on, but it was disgusting.
	Yeah, they did look old.
	Well, people died earlier.
	Yeah.
	I think they aged faster.
	Yeah, that's true.
	If you was 30 and not married, you was an old maid.
	Yeah, you were a spinster at this age.
	Is that what they called it?
	A spinster?
	You would be a spinster back in the day, yeah.
	33 and not married with kids, yeah.
	But I'm glad you're not married, because if you were married, you wouldn't be doing stand-up, am I right?
	No, and I am like, I kind of don't even really like who I become when I'm in a relationship.
	I am like, I get so obsessed with my boyfriends and I want to spend all my time with them and like work doesn't matter.
	I'm like a lover.
	So if I'm in love, I'm like fully in and it's really bad for work, which is why I'm either going to be funny or end alone.
	Funny or die?
	Yeah, or not funny with someone.
	Those are the choices it feels like.
	So, isn't it part of the whole crazy to be... Yeah.
	It sounds OCD almost.
	Yeah, it is OCD.
	Like your relationships are obsessive-compulsive.
	But then when you want to... Here's the bad part.
	When you start wanting to tell jokes again, you deliberately sabotage that relationship to get rid of that flavor.
	Absolutely.
	Isn't that sad?
	It is sad.
	But it's almost that you have to tell the jokes again and it's almost like a panic.
	If you don't leave in the next two days, stand-up is done forever.
	You have to go.
	It's crazy.
	When you feel like you have to do stand-up, you have to do it quick or I start panicking internally.
	I get very anxious and I don't know.
	What is it?
	I don't know.
	God, I don't know.
	All of us have it too, huh?
	Yeah, and the thing that makes me really sad... Is it the hearing the laughter?
	What is it?
	I don't know.
	Whenever you're on stage and you're riffing and you think of something, doesn't it feel like it pops out of the air and like, like it just pops right?
	Like you didn't think of it.
	Yeah.
	It wasn't from you.
	Yeah.
	It literally comes from God.
	Which is, which is I like because I've thought of some sick shit.
	I'm like, God's kind of funny.
	God's the funniest comic of all.
	Yeah, he is.
	And he goes, okay, try topping this.
	Oh my God, the best.
	I remember me and my podcast partner, like six months ago, we were at the airport and we ran into another comedian who's like pretty much like, you know, blown up on YouTube and And has a lot of following and he sat down in front of us and he was talking to us and someone came up and was like, hey, are you whatever to him and asked him for a picture while we were sitting there.
	And then we already kind of felt like dang about it.
	And then when they walked away, I got a notification on my phone and it popped up and it was a payment plan for the flight I bought.
	Right when he got recognized, it was like, you pay, you owe the second part of your payment plan for your $200 flight.
	And my friend looked at my phone and she went, God's a comedian.
	Like he just shit on me.
	My friend got recognized and then my payment plan for the flight I couldn't afford came in.
	And it is just so funny.
	His timing is impeccable.
	Impeccable.
	That's incredible that you would know it.
	Yeah.
	Like the depression that I have.
	Like my depression, because I have it.
	Do you have it?
	I get depressed.
	I don't get into full seasons of depression or like weeks at a time.
	It's like a wave for you.
	Yeah.
	That's me too.
	You'll stay sometimes for a while.
	Yeah.
	But then like I get the message from God that goes, You idiot.
	Can't you see the perfect world I've created for you?
	The jokes just write themselves.
	All you have to do is open your eyes and see it.
	Just stand up and open your mouth.
	He's like, I'm making it easy.
	It's all so fucking absurd, isn't it?
	It is.
	Are you scared at all?
	I mean, yes and no.
	With stand-up now, I kind of have reached this place just in the last year or so where I almost don't care what happens anymore.
	To you, you mean?
	To me, not like safety-wise.
	With my career, I'm like, What the fuck ever.
	Whatever happens is gonna happen.
	That's how I feel.
	We're all gonna be fucking toasted.
	We're all dying.
	There's wars and famine and the solar flares and the aliens.
	Why do I care if I got just for laughs?
	Truly.
	Who gives a shit?
	That's what I thought.
	Have you ever been, have you ever seen these festivals these networks put?
	It's fucking five comedy, dead comedy rooms, a fucking salami bar for the comics, and you do a ten minute set and no one says anything to you.
	A couple people come up and go, great set, and you never hear from them again.
	It sucks.
	Nothing's real.
	People are just putting things together so they feel like they have a worthy life.
	Yeah.
	People are overdoing everything so they feel worthy instead of just finding the thing they like.
	Right.
	And then they're oversaturating the world with bullshit.
	Yeah.
	Because they're scared to be themselves.
	Well, do you think it's just that people just aren't generating anything creative?
	People are not authentic.
	That's right.
	It's the biggest mistake.
	People say what they think everybody wants them to hear instead of just saying how they feel.
	They're cowards.
	They're scared.
	Yeah, well, I don't blame them, man.
	I don't blame them.
	No, I get it.
	They'll come for you.
	It's a thing.
	But I'm like, I'm a glutton for punishment.
	So I'm like, come for me.
	I don't know.
	Can I ask you guys a question since you're a female stand-up comedian?
	I am?
	Yes, you were.
	I used to be.
	In the 80s and you're doing it now.
	Can we talk about the differences or the similarities?
	I would love to know.
	Oh, yeah.
	I would love to know.
	I mean, for me, people say that it's tough being a woman in comedy.
	But my personal opinion is if you're funny, it's a little easier.
	If you're really funny, because now, it's probably different in your day, but now people have the pressure to put women on the lineup, so they have to.
	Do they do that?
	Are they overt about that?
	Yeah, people are like... They want to see women.
	They want to see women, yeah.
	So is it easier today?
	Women have been scared off.
	There's not that many of them.
	They're just scared to even try stand-up, I think.
	I would think it's easier today as a woman to break into comedy, I would think.
	For me, it was really easy.
	I mean, it's been a long journey and it was like me sleeping on the floor and being broke and crying.
	It's not easy in a sense, but like... Every comic goes through that.
	Yeah, it's like the same grind that people have for any dream that they have.
	It's not anything special I'm doing.
	I've just found my talent and then I worked.
	Right.
	And I think everyone has their own weird thing.
	I told my sister, I'm like, if you like fucking gluing seashells to your face, you better get on YouTube and be the funniest seashell gluer and just do that.
	Do it better than anybody else.
	Yes, yeah.
	You got no excuse anymore.
	You had a hard time, though.
	You always talk about it in the early 80s when you started as a woman.
	Yeah, it must have been different then.
	There weren't really many women doing it.
	It was you and what, Paula Poundstone, basically?
	No, Paula came way later.
	Oh, she did?
	Who was doing it when you started?
	Well, I started in 1980.
	Betty Boop.
	She had Betty Boop.
	I mean, there already had been Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, you know, there have been so many.
	And, of course, the greatest Mae West.
	She busted everybody's balls.
	But they did stand-up, but the stand-up era, most people think, is like the 80s.
	You know, oh my god, I'm gonna forget everybody's name that I should remember.
	Elaine Boosler.
	There's just a lot of good names.
	Lily Tomlin.
	There's a lot, you know.
	Carol Burnett.
	I just can't remember everybody great that I was one of.
	Somebody that wasn't that hard.
	But, uh, Marlo Thomas.
	But was it hard, I'm asking?
	Like, did you have a hard time breaking in, or?
	How did you start?
	Yeah.
	How'd you even start?
	What was the... Oh.
	She's a younger comic.
	Give her some Well, yeah, it was holy hells on earth.
	It was?
	It was fucking hells on earth.
	But I was young and pissed.
	Yeah.
	You know, I was pissed because it was right there coming, not too far out of the 60s, where I still had marched and my friends and I mean, we fought and we still believed and We saw the whole Vietnam thing, and we still believed, and then, you know, Reagan, and it's like, what the?
	And then the social safety net gets cut, and we just lived through all of it, you know?
	Did you start?
	So in 1980, when they put Reagan, I was pretty left.
	Yeah.
	And I was like going, oh, Christ, this is a slide, a real slide to Real hurt people. Yeah, I'm not a street thing. Mm-hmm
	So I was like fucking I got to get out there And I didn't want to
	It was crazy I don't even know where it starts.
	Who wants to hear any of this shit?
	I do.
	I'm very curious.
	At the time, I was in this woman's group, you know?
	With the lesbians, yeah.
	Well, before it was all lesbian.
	When it was just basically kind of Jewish and black and, you know, it was just moms of mixed moms, you know?
	You already had kids when you started stand-up?
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	She had three.
	Four.
	What?
	Are you serious?
	Yeah, I was born in 78.
	She started in 1980.
	I was two.
	She was really a housewife when she was doing that.
	My dad worked at the post office.
	She was an actual housewife that would go Saturday night or Friday night and do stand-up.
	How long were you doing stand-up before you got the show?
	The show?
	Well, it was four years until she got the Tonight Show, I believe.
	No, I'll tell the whole thing.
	I started stand-up in 1980 and then I started doing gigs around the place and then like 85 I came to California, and 86 I got on TV, and then 88 I got my show.
	So it was eight years total.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	From Jump Street to eight, you know.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	A lot of it was overnight because once I came to L.A.
	it was like I was on stage and the Tonight Show guy saw me, put me on.
	I was on with Julio Iglesias who took me out for 18 weeks to open for him.
	That got me my sitcom.
	It was like one after the other.
	It was a God thing, God-given You really have to be like equal parts talented and lucky.
	I think you can adjust your luck and kind of make it favor you by like the places you are in the situations you put yourself in, but I've noticed a lot of my breaks I've been like, I was just here this night.
	I was just here, but if I didn't show up it wouldn't happen.
	So that is part of the hard work, but just to be... My very first night of stand-up, I popped into the belly room, and Tony had just... I just started this show called Kill Tony.
	It was three episodes in, I think.
	And then I became a regular on that show, and I'm like, if I didn't even... if I didn't have the weird feeling to go upstairs, that I'd never been up there before... Your first stand-up was on Kill Tony?
	My very first night of stand-up, I got pulled for potluck at the comedy store in the O.R.
	And I was so hyped.
	I had a great set.
	It was three minutes.
	I got like two laughs.
	And I was like, this is the best.
	That was the best.
	And then someone said, there's another show upstairs if you want to go watch.
	And it was Kill Tony.
	And then Tony was like, you can actually sign up for it and go up again.
	So the very first night I did stand up, I went up twice at the Comedy Store.
	Oh, I'll tell you that story.
	I went to the Comedy Store because everybody came to Denver.
	We had a club there, the Comedy Shop.
	And they said, you've got to go to the comedy store in L.A.
	and let Mitzi Shore see you, you know.
	So, okay, it was Monday night, amateur night.
	Everybody told me go.
	Sam Kennison, Louie Anderson, Alan Steven, everybody who came through Denver, they knew I was coming and they would show up for me, you know, and they came to see me audition for Mitzi.
	And I knew they were there, and it was cool, my friends, you know.
	And I didn't even think that this was before flyers or computers.
	Like, people were just calling, like, Roseanne's coming in.
	That's what I wanted.
	Yeah, it was before.
	Crazy.
	And it was all word of mouth, you know, comics to comics.
	And I knew it was, you know.
	Yeah, no website, just the sign outside the comic store.
	Just the lights and the hair.
	Yeah, and all the comics were there then.
	Everybody was outside, they all came in.
	And I knew it, and I went up, and I knew.
	It's beyond anything you can ever explain to anybody, but I knew it.
	I knew, like Blair White said, because I knew I was it, I knew I had it.
	I knew I would be it, and I knew I am.
	It.
	And it was all there.
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	I'm going to scare myself.
	Turn it on.
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	His balls will be singing.
	Baby, it's cold outside.
	I don't even know who wrote... That isn't even funny.
	It's not...
	Every single thing I worked for and every fucking joke killed.
	Every fucking joke.
	All five minutes of it was gold and I had worked so hard and picked them five fucking minutes so tight and went through so much to do it.
	Rewriting all night.
	All the shit, you know?
	And then she goes, go do 20 in the big room.
	And I go, Christ, I was speechless.
	And all the waitresses go, she's never did that before, ever took anybody from audition to the main stage.
	That's pretty incredible.
	I was going, fuck, I go, I don't even know if I have 20 clean.
	I was like, I don't even know if I have 20 fucking clean minutes.
	I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to bullshit my way through four minutes because that's all the filth.
	That I don't want her to see, because when I get into my buttfucking jokes and shit, I can't do that.
	You have to hide the buttfuck jokes, by the way.
	Not on the first date with Mitzi.
	You gotta work in the buttfucking.
	You save the buttfucks for the third set.
	And then I came off the stage and she goes, I'm opening a place in Vegas and you have work.
	That was my first night.
	What 20 minutes did you do?
	You didn't have 20 minutes?
	I did.
	I had 40, but a lot of it was dirty.
	I was just trying to reorganize all my shit 20 clean, you know?
	You know how you think.
	Yeah.
	So I'm like, I'm not going to get up there.
	Oh, every time I'm about to do a set, I'm like, I don't even know if I have one minute.
	This thought comes in my head.
	I'm like, who knows if this is even... I feel like I made up how to write jokes.
	I was like, this is how you do it, and I guess.
	And everyone laughed and I've been like faking it this whole time and it keeps working.
	I don't know why.
	Sometimes I feel that way too.
	Yeah, I do it and I'm like, okay, and then they all laugh and I kind of have this feeling where I go, okay, like, if you believe it, I'll believe it.
	Because I'm like, I almost feel like I'm past my own jokes.
	Like I hear my jokes and I already had that thought and opinion and I'm so over it.
	Yeah.
	I go, oh Christ, I've heard this one a hundred times.
	Not this shit again.
	Yeah, because you're just listening to what's coming out.
	I watched Dave Attell have that feeling one time at the cellar and I'll never forget it because I know exactly how he felt.
	He was just crushing in the cellar and you could tell he was a perfected set.
	He's done a million times.
	And he said a joke and everyone laughed and he went...
	I was like, that is the best.
	I feel that.
	When they laugh and you're like, yeah, okay.
	Fine.
	How do you feel about the special you did?
	I feel great.
	It's actually the first thing in stand-up that I've ever felt ready for.
	In 11 years, I've never felt ready.
	I've done things and I've been nervous.
	And the day of the taping, I was so calm.
	My set was ready.
	I ran it a hundred thousand times before in different ways.
	I would sit on the stool, stand up, wear a jacket, make myself be cold.
	I put myself in every... I got too high one time.
	I got drunk and did it.
	I put myself in any uncomfortable situation to see if I could run the set.
	You're actually the reason I have really bad ADD, and I stopped chewing gum in the beginning of stand-up.
	Someone said it was unprofessional.
	And then I watched your special, and you were chewing gum, and I put gum right in my mouth, and it helped my set so much just to not think.
	And the timing, it'll slow you down.
	You don't want to spit the gum out.
	It slows you down.
	It's great.
	It is great.
	Yeah, and someone's like, you should never do it.
	And I remember probably like a year later, I was watching, and I was like, Roseanne does it.
	I'm doing it.
	I don't give a fuck.
	It keeps, it is that OCD thing because you just want to go chop, chop, chop, chop.
	And you get nervous.
	Yeah.
	There's a rhythm to it too, huh?
	It's a godly rhythm to it when you've got the right thing to say.
	And it goes like, it's like music.
	Because I've talked to a lot of musicians, you know.
	And it's like... The joke, the way in and the poetry of it.
	Oh, I was doing the test, the camera test for my special and they're like, go through the thing.
	But I didn't want to do my set.
	So I was going...
	And they're like, it's crazy how you're not saying words, but it sounds like a set.
	I'm like, yeah, because it's like a, it's a sound you make.
	It's about the sound.
	They need to hear the sounds.
	They're like babies.
	Can I ask you a question?
	How hard is it to break into comedy now with the woke culture?
	I saw a thing you did on stage, which I loved, when you're basically like, what is wrong with you?
	You pay the ticket, you come to a stand-up set, and you get offended.
	There's something fucking wrong with you.
	This is a comedy club, you know what we're doing.
	Do you put up with that a lot, the woke thing?
	Because I know my mother deals with that, obviously.
	Oh, I just get even more dirty because the thing I think is, well, you're just not being dirty enough for them.
	Yeah, no, I double down too.
	I'm like, well, they're getting the worst stuff.
	They're getting the worst stuff because they need like the break.
	They need a break or hear the worst so that maybe when they hear something less bad, they're like, that's not that bad.
	I'll do my worst shit.
	And if it's a bad crowd, I'll do my most offensive shit up top.
	And then after the last joke, I go, all right, well, that was my clean stuff.
	And then it loosens them up for the easier stuff.
	But I don't care.
	I truly do not care.
	What's wrong with them?
	They already go, this is just judging.
	No, but they'll try and ruin your career.
	There's people that go to restaurants, they pay money, and then they hate every time they eat the food.
	There's just people that aren't happy no matter what they do.
	They're paying their own money, and they're just pissed, but it's like I really don't care.
	I do stand up.
	I don't do stand up for anybody else.
	I don't do it for the audience.
	I don't do it.
	I I guess like Now it's become my people feel better when they listen my jokes, and it is a good thing for the world But I just do it cuz when I do it I feel happy and I feel like if everyone focused on that on themselves if everyone was a little more selfish and And really was like, I'm going to make myself happy for six months.
	I think that's a good point.
	That's a really good point.
	Yeah.
	It's like we almost are like too giving to where we've become fake.
	Yeah.
	And it's really me and Alex, me and my friend Alex Scarlato, my friend that's a producer, we keep talking about the most important thing to do is be authentic.
	It's better for the world, always.
	It's better for you, that's for sure.
	It's better for you, and being better for you is better for the world.
	Well, try to fix yourself and get better.
	Try to make yourself get better, or do better.
	You know, fix your broken places instead of, like, going out and looking at other people's broken shit.
	Yeah.
	That is the hardest thing in the world to do.
	If we would ever talk about the truth about that is that's the hardest thing.
	Nobody can do that.
	That's only like 2% of people can even do that.
	I know.
	Because it's so hard, but that's why you got to try to do it.
	Yeah, but if you're constantly trying to fix yourself, you're too distracted to be an asshole.
	Yeah.
	You're too busy working on yourself.
	Even if you'll never get it, the whole point is to work on yourself so you're not a dick everywhere else.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	I'm too busy.
	Yeah.
	I'm literally too busy.
	Ten years ago, I was having fights with comedians all the time.
	I'd bicker with them.
	If they said something on social media I didn't like, I would comment like, this is dumb.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, I would.
	I'd snap back.
	Even if someone had an opinion that I thought was insane or they were saying something inappropriate, I'd be like, what the fuck?
	And now I'm like, I am so busy, I just don't care.
	You have to just not care as much.
	Did you ever get in any fist fights?
	Yes.
	Well, I've been in a couple in college.
	When I was 18 years old, I was in college and I went to Panama City to the beach for spring break and I was at a concert and I met this guy and we were both drunk.
	And it was at the beach at a concert.
	He put me on his shoulders and we were just dancing on his shoulders.
	I was like, this is fun.
	And then I guess he had a girlfriend there and she came up.
	Bitch on bitch crime.
	Yeah.
	And she took a Coors Light can and she chucked me in the face with it.
	And I was out of nowhere.
	I thought he was single.
	He just picked me up.
	I was like, I didn't know.
	And she chucked me and then he took me, grabbed me by the ass and threw me on top of her.
	And so it created like a fight.
	Like he kind of made it happen.
	So it was just a fight.
	Oh my God.
	And the crazy thing is, that was six hours away from my college, that trip I went on, and me and that girl got broken up and separated and I got like one look into her eyes before we got separated.
	And two weeks later, when I was back at school, I went to a bar and I saw her standing outside the bathroom door.
	Oh my God.
	The same girl.
	And I did just sucker punch her.
	Wow.
	You did?
	Yeah, right in the face.
	That's what she did to me!
	And then, yeah, I soccer punched her.
	We got separated at the bar.
	And then two days later, she found my social media and she messaged me and she said, can we never do that again?
	Oh, wow.
	And I said, yeah, we're good.
	Better than a lawsuit.
	Oh, that's cool.
	Y'all solved your... That's good.
	It was solved.
	Yeah, but I had to get my lick back.
	You do, absolutely.
	Yeah, you do.
	I love it when women get in a fistfight with other women.
	It's so much cleaner and better than the mental war women put other women through trying to ruin your credit and get your kids took away.
	That is a woman thing to call CPS on another woman.
	Yeah, women are way worse.
	Bitch on bitch crime don't play.
	It's horrible.
	Yeah.
	Just go punch a bitch out and then she'll get you back.
	That's how men fight.
	And that's it.
	Period.
	It's over.
	That's how men are.
	Punch each other and it's over.
	One time I was dating a male comedian about 10 years ago and we got into a fight at the comedy store.
	Like an argument.
	He was making fun of my friends or something.
	Oh no, my friend made fun of his set and he was just like being really And they were like, that joke was interesting.
	And he was like, you don't fucking know anything.
	Fuck you.
	And it was being really shitty.
	And I kind of stood up for them.
	And he poked me.
	He was at the comedy store.
	And he was trying to be like, don't you ever.
	And did this.
	And was backing me up.
	He was doing it so hard.
	And I punched him in the face.
	Squared in the eye.
	Oh yeah, you need to.
	At the comedy store.
	Oh, you need to.
	And I remember the moment I did it.
	I was like three years in.
	I was like, I'll never be allowed in this place again.
	And the way that I just keep going in there.
	Before they got cameras in there, it was the Y. You know, you guys said it off.
	Before they had the cameras, oh, they had the guns and the knives.
	I saw the guns and the knives.
	Oh, shit.
	I saw worse than guns and knives.
	Didn't you smash a guy's head on a bar, I heard?
	Oh, they did all kinds of shit.
	No, you did that.
	I heard you grabbed a guy's head.
	Oh, that was in Vegas.
	I smashed a guy's head in a bar.
	Why did you do that?
	Because he's saying shit I didn't want to hear.
	So you grabbed the back of his head and smashed him on the bar.
	I heard this from Alan.
	Were you chewing gum?
	Do you trust anything that's being parroted out of the mouth of so-called experts on the TV?
	No.
	When I hear trust the experts, I know they're lying.
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	rblikesgold.com you got your own landing page so this cool so you go there find out more and just fill out the form yeah protect your wealth that's what it's about it's not an investment i don't tell people to buy gold and silver because like oh you're going to make billions of dollars it's not that it's not bitcoin where it's bullshit thing that's going to collapse it's just it's a real jew selling real it's this is like this is what you do when you're jews you sell gold this is what god has asked us to do that's why we're chosen but really it's about protecting what you have No, I had removed my gum because I was drinking.
	And he came up and said some nasty shit to me.
	Like, you know, I guess some guy comics think talking nasty is a turn-on, I guess.
	Well, yeah.
	I hate when guy comics talk in general.
	I do, too.
	In person.
	Yeah.
	I like when they're on stage.
	Me, too.
	They're horrendous in person.
	Yeah, they're all kind of crazy.
	Crazy!
	But they're not crazy like women comics.
	Who do you think's crazier, women comics or men comics?
	That's a good question.
	I honestly, and this is not even me hating on men, I think it's the men.
	I do too.
	Men, you made a good point.
	I think we've talked about this.
	We're both crazy, but the men are degenerates.
	Yeah.
	They're degenerates on top of the shit.
	You were right about that.
	Hanging their self and jacking off and all that kind of crazy shit.
	What the fuck?
	They're also so horny.
	I think they asked...
	What?!
	I think they asked Pamela Anderson one time, would you rather date a rock star or a comedian?
	And she said a rock star.
	She said comedians are too hard to deal with.
	Yeah.
	They are.
	They're crazy.
	Poor guys.
	They got a... I don't know.
	They got too many things going on there.
	Too many wires are... But also, at the same time, how... Don't you feel like you're on like an island of misfit toys and you belong in the toy box?
	I know that I'm a misfit too.
	Yeah.
	But I don't think two misfits should ever get together.
	Yeah.
	That's my whole thing.
	If you're a girl comic, don't get with the boy comic.
	Yeah.
	There's my head.
	It's hard not to.
	It's so hard not to.
	Yeah, give Kim some advice.
	You better have a blog.
	But you just can't.
	You've got to get with a mental health professional.
	You should.
	That is my life.
	Do you know, well, do you, well, it's hard because we deserve to laugh too.
	I know, but then that kind of laugh, you don't need that.
	Well, if you can, I'll tell you what.
	A writer would be good.
	No.
	A comedic writer?
	You'd think so.
	But remember that Hollywood Boulevard movie where the writers drown in her pool?
	My favorite movie.
	No.
	Yeah, she uses the writers and then drowns them in her pool.
	Look how excited you are.
	You know, I kind of expected when I walked into your house that you'd have, like, young, naked men that we'd sit on as furniture.
	Like, you'd have, like, this... Mom doesn't really like men or sex anymore.
	I don't really... I'm so over the goat urge.
	Yeah, she thinks people who have sex are, like, retarded.
	I look down on them.
	Yeah, she does.
	Really?
	Yeah, I'm like, why would you... I mean, but I'm 71.
	So I'm bored, I've done it, it's nothing.
	She's not on hormones.
	I also think, you know what really freaks me out?
	Have you ever met someone that's like too sexual?
	Yeah.
	They're scary.
	It's creepazoid, yeah.
	They're scary.
	One time we went all into this strip club in Texas after like one of the shows and it was fun and I enjoy it and like, you know, some of the girls are cute and fun and whatever.
	But there was this one stripper that was like just so aggressively horny in our section and she kept like...
	I was just like, please, I can feel your molestation energy.
	It's just creepy.
	It's creepy.
	To you?
	To me.
	I don't like over-sexual energy.
	If I have a boyfriend, I don't like PDA.
	I also have, I don't like PDA at all.
	I'll sit on a lap maybe and do a kiss every once in a while, but I'm not into making out in public and stuff like that.
	I also, as a child, my mom used embarrassment as punishment, which is very interesting that I became a comedian.
	How would she do that?
	She would punish me by showing up to my school.
	That's what you would do?
	Yeah, throwing my clothes in the middle of the street.
	Oh, I didn't do that.
	In front of the other kids?
	Yeah, I remember one time when I was 15, I threatened to kill myself.
	Well, that's rough.
	Yeah, and my mom brought all over the neighborhood guys, and the one I had a crush on, and brought them into my room.
	I was like, tell them how you said you're gonna kill yourself.
	Wow.
	And so she would like embarrass me.
	Did she want you to kill yourself or something?
	No, that should have pushed me to the edge, to be honest.
	But it honestly made me never threaten it again.
	It kind of worked.
	I was like, that was embarrassing.
	But now I have a... That kind of might be calling your bluff to the nth degree there.
	It is.
	But that's a risky maneuver, because that could go the other way.
	It could have, and I should have punished her and just offed myself.
	Yeah, but that would have showed her.
	She's lucky I'm not a little more... She's a sociopath.
	So I get very embarrassed, which is so crazy that I'm a comedian, because I get Humiliated.
	Me too.
	By anything.
	Then you'll get up there on stage and do that.
	Maybe that's part of it.
	Because we all say you're mentally ill.
	It is kind of that.
	I've wondered that.
	Your dad did that.
	Grandpa Jerry would humiliate us.
	He would do that to me too.
	It was hilarious.
	Oh my god.
	Remember he put his teeth in my hand and shit?
	Oh my dad, there's nobody like my dad.
	He would embarrass you horribly.
	Maybe that's what it is that makes people comics.
	It's like a parent that abuses you that way.
	Well, you kind of... Well, I don't want to get too psychiatric.
	I like to get into that stuff.
	Well, you kind of want to make your vulnerabilities seen so they don't find them on their own.
	Oh, that's smart.
	But then you got other ones behind them ones.
	So you just put the ones out that you think is... And you hide the good ones.
	Yeah, you hide the real ones.
	You hide the good stuff.
	That's deep.
	It's like a lightning rod.
	Huh?
	You're using it like a lightning rod.
	Yeah, because you know that they'll laugh at themselves that way.
	Right.
	But there's other things behind it that are, you know, where the real jokes come from.
	Yeah, I always love that.
	Someone told me that Mitzi used to say, like, when you go on stage, don't tell a joke, tell the truth.
	Yeah, she did say that.
	And it's one of my favorite things.
	And that's like the authenticity thing again.
	It makes for the funny.
	You ever see a comic go on stage and they're just trying to be funny?
	Did you know her?
	Did you ever meet her?
	No, she's gone.
	It's like the saddest thing of my life.
	Here's what she told me.
	No Puerto Ricans.
	No, she loved everybody.
	She'd tell you to play up your identity.
	She'd probably say, like, they've never seen a Puerto Rican sexy gal.
	She'd tell you to play it up, you know?
	I love it.
	But she told me, yeah, you're... I don't know why I'm doing the voice.
	Because I whine just as much.
	No, you're channeling her.
	I'm channeling her.
	She goes, you're kind of like a farmer.
	That's why you need to wear overalls and stuff.
	Like it's your Midwestern farmer.
	Yeah, that's your... I think she was right.
	I'm not gonna lie to you.
	The first four years of my stand-up I also wore overalls because I was obsessed with you.
	Really?
	I wore overalls and chew gum because I just thought you were the coolest.
	Overalls are the shit.
	They're the shit.
	They're so comfortable and cool.
	What do they call them?
	Jumpsuits.
	They're making a huge comeback.
	The romper?
	Yeah.
	They're the best stand-up outfits for women, I think.
	I'm like, I always say like overalls are cute and they cover everything and you're comfortable in them.
	You look so chic.
	I know this is, I'm trying like a new thing because I'm trying to like find a husband.
	You don't want a husband.
	I look like a lesbian most of the time.
	Yeah, but you don't want, you just, you know, it's so... I want one.
	I'm so sick of like carrying my own shit.
	Yeah.
	Just hire a male assistant.
	Get a gay one.
	I will when I can afford one in a year.
	Well, they'll work for free if they think you're going somewhere.
	That's true.
	You should leverage that.
	That's true.
	That's a good point.
	Who?
	A guy.
	A gay guy will do it.
	Yeah, you have to pay a gay guy.
	A straight guy.
	You do have to pay a gay guy.
	A straight guy that's got a crush on you, you could get a free year out of him.
	If he's rich, he'll work for free if he has a crush on you.
	You'll be fine.
	Oh my God, if I would tell you the kind of shit women used to do.
	What?
	But I don't know if they do it anymore.
	Well, let's find out.
	Yeah, I might do it.
	Help her out.
	No, I think women have changed a lot.
	I've seen a change in women.
	Like what?
	Particularly through women comics.
	Just women have a way to make their own way in the world now and that was kind of rare.
	Like OnlyFans?
	Yeah, it is kind of that.
	Yeah.
	What do you think about that?
	What's your opinions on OnlyFans and women doing like sex work like that?
	Well, I think that's, you know, like a fast way out.
	It is.
	You're in a pinch.
	Yeah, you might as well not be, you know that song, might as well sell it instead of just sitting on it.
	Oh my God, I've never heard that.
	That's from the 50s.
	Instead of sitting on it, it's a visceral image.
	Might as well sell it instead of just sitting on it.
	Damn.
	You know, if you need a way out.
	What are you talking about?
	You know, these women, they're going to college and getting five degrees and this and that, and they can't make a living anyway.
	It's all a scam.
	Because they're getting stupid bullshit degrees.
	They're not getting real degrees.
	Yeah.
	No.
	No, I say don't go to college unless you need a degree for your job.
	Like really look into your job and ask yourself, are they going to look up if I have a degree?
	And if it's a no, quit.
	Yeah.
	Go for a few semesters, make some connections, meet some lawyer sons and some people that are doctors.
	I dropped out of college my senior year to do stand-up.
	I came to LA for the summer off an internship, popped in, did the OR, and then did Kill Tony, and the next day I dropped out of school.
	I completely dropped out.
	The only thing that benefited me was the connections I made the three years.
	The friends I had.
	I had doctors, I had lawyers, I knew people from around the country.
	I can go to ten different states now and have somewhere to stay.
	That's all good and well, but you don't really need a degree for stand-up for anything.
	No.
	My advice to young women, drop out of college, learn how to do stand-up comedy, or become a pool A really good pool player.
	Because women do have a thing with seeing angles on a board.
	I love pool.
	Women are good pool players.
	And I think those two things are really good.
	Stand up and pool.
	Are far better than going to college.
	I agree with that.
	College is a waste of time.
	And learning to go get a craft, or not a craft, but I mean like... A skill.
	Yeah.
	Plumbers.
	Women aren't gonna do that.
	Electricians.
	Those people work forever.
	No, I know.
	They always have a job.
	Those are things women need to do.
	Labor jobs.
	Welding.
	Welding, yeah.
	Yeah, there's a lot of really good jobs out there that women can make a lot of money on.
	One of them is construction management.
	You don't even have to be on the site.
	You show up and make sure everyone's working, and then you make a bunch of money.
	I was trying to get my sister to do that, but yeah, I love pool.
	I love poker.
	Poker's good.
	I love to gamble.
	Women have the mind for gambling.
	So I have this, I wanted to do this thing.
	I've been trying to teach my sister how to play poker because I'm like, when I go, I go to the casino, sometimes Commerce or the other one over here at Hollywood Park.
	and I used to wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt and dress like a boy, glasses, ponytail,
	and I'd play and it'd be fun.
	The last time I went, I was like, let me try dressing sexy.
	So I went full cleavage out, and I'm telling you, I must have gotten $200 worth of free money.
	If I lost a thing and I'd be like, well, I gotta go, the guys would be like, no, stay, and they'd throw chips.
	And I told my sister, I'm like, why don't we, the place is open all night.
	It's open 24-7.
	I'm like, why don't we go to bed at 5 o'clock, wake up at midnight, dress up like we've been partying all night, mess up our hair, but like we're fresh brain, and then go wipe out the table of dudes that have been there for 8 hours.
	Of course, now you're thinking.
	Yeah, I'm like, we should do that.
	That's smart.
	You want to join me?
	I would go.
	I would go.
	Yeah, I would go.
	Because why not?
	And give them a thrill.
	They'll pay to have a little entertainment.
	They're bored and they're surrounded by other men.
	They're like dying to have some feminine energy after a few hours.
	Men miss women.
	It doesn't matter how badly they treat us.
	When we're gone and we come around, you can tell they miss you.
	It's true.
	And I'm telling you what, they miss, you know, men miss a broad, it used to be called, you know, like Mae West type, with the jokes.
	Cool chicks.
	Yeah, cool chicks or whatever.
	They miss the jokes.
	But they're forced to be in the room with the lesbians.
	They're like laugh-shamed by the lesbians who are anti-humor.
	You see where I'm going with this?
	You should make merch that says lesbians killed comedy.
	They did!
	And you know how all the publicists in Hollywood are lesbians?
	I thought they were gay guys.
	No, they used to be gay guys, but now they're not.
	Gay guys are running the organizations.
	But all the publicists are lesbians now, which is why you're not able to say anything without fucking pissing somebody off.
	You know, being called out for it.
	Yeah, I agree with you.
	For me, it's like less lesbian, but I call them in L.A.
	I hate when I'm driving, I see them.
	I call them white knight cucks.
	Yeah, that's perfect.
	It's L.A.
	white knight cucks.
	It's people that are like just fucking, they get off on being righteous.
	Like it makes, they're missing something internally and they didn't get some sort of validation, so they just want a side with whatever the bigger number is.
	Yeah.
	And when I was driving, oh my gosh, this really happened to me.
	I was driving, I rarely- Isn't it a self-righteous thing?
	It's self-righteous.
	It's actually more selfish than not.
	I wanna hear the story of driving.
	I was driving, and I've noticed this because L.A., you could tell the temperament and how woke and rule-following the city is by the traffic.
	If you're driving in L.A., and I want you to notice this next time, the right lanes will always be open.
	Always.
	It'll be miles of traffic and the right lane is open because people are scared to, when you're illegally allowed to, to go in and merge back in away from the cars.
	And the whole town is so scared to have to get in front of someone because that's who they are.
	We shouldn't get in front of others.
	And I'm like, you're actually creating more traffic by staying in this lane than just being cool and going with the flow.
	And I feel like that is kind of the whole thing.
	Yeah, you're looking at an anthropologist through traffic.
	That's fascinating.
	I never thought of that.
	I remember driving when I was younger was much more aggressive, and I've noticed that too.
	And they're causing more traffic.
	The more careful they are, it's like people that get mad when you're going to go on the exit and merge back in, those people get so mad at you.
	But if you look up the statistics, that actually helps flow traffic better than people that don't do that.
	And it's like, why are you mad at me for just going quicker than you?
	Why are you mad that I'm quicker than you?
	You're mad at yourself because you were too scared to do that.
	You're not mad at me.
	You're mad at you.
	And then if you're like one second over the time limit when the light changes.
	They can't wait.
	They live for it.
	Oh, the rule happened.
	You're breaking the rules.
	I hate it.
	I was driving.
	There is me, me driving, a guy in front of me.
	No traffic behind me.
	And the guy in front of me, I see there's, you know those prisoners that work on the side of the roads?
	Yeah.
	They're working on the side of the road and they're trying to cross the street, but I can see that they're waiting for me and this guy to pass so that there's no traffic behind us they can cross.
	The guy in front of me, because he's a white knight cuck, slams on his brakes to let these people go by because he has to be righteous.
	He has to be the person that lets them go because they're prisoners.
	I already know.
	I see the fucking stickers on the car.
	I already know who he is.
	The coexist.
	I see it.
	I hate those fucks.
	I hate those fucks.
	And so he slams on his brakes.
	I almost hit him.
	And then... I wish you had.
	Yeah, I wish I had, too.
	And all the prisoners after this.
	Because I slam on the brakes.
	Then he's going like this to the prisoners.
	And they're going like, no, you go.
	We're waiting for the cars to go by.
	And he's going, you go.
	So then I fucking honk.
	And I roll down my window.
	I go, one of you fucking go.
	Yeah, good.
	And then the dude Then they all turn on me.
	They all turn on me.
	Now they're working together and they're like, fuck you!
	And I go to go around the driver and he blocks me.
	So now he's being aggressive.
	So I wait, the prisoners go, they're laughing, and that guy comes up to the window and he rolls down the window and he's like, have a heart!
	Have a heart!
	And I just went, you're a cock!
	I was like so angry, but it's like, it's actually not about having a heart, because in my heart, I was gonna go so they could cross the street easier.
	But I didn't have the need to need validations from the prisoners that I did something for them.
	You did.
	Right.
	And it's like that that I hate.
	I hate that shit.
	I hate it.
	It's so fake.
	You're disgusting.
	It's that pretend shit.
	I used to wanted to do a thing where you showed the... because I hate Hollywood once I got in there.
	It was like, yeah, God.
	But I wanted to show where the one thing they will...
	support their charity.
	I want to have a graph that this is the charity they support and this is the sin they actually commit.
	And here's the graph where they meet.
	That's what it is.
	That's how I saw it.
	That's how it is.
	It is like that.
	It's dark.
	It is really dark.
	It's really dark.
	But comedy is the light of it all, you know?
	And those are the only movies that makes any money for the rest of their shit, is the comedies.
	And that's what they're, they're just ruining comedy.
	And that just incenses me.
	That's what I'm talking about.
	But we'll get it back some other way.
	Well, you guys are fighting the younger comics.
	I've noticed you, like, Kill Tony or The Mothership.
	Like, that's one of the things.
	But I'm talking about movies.
	No, I know.
	But there's a movement now to push back.
	Oh my god, I just wrote the most offensive funny movie.
	Oh my god, I want to read it!
	Oh, I'm so excited about it.
	I feel like it's not bad to say your ideas out loud, is it?
	It's very bad.
	You should do an indie.
	Well, sort of, because someone will steal it.
	Even if it's already written?
	Is it trademarked?
	No.
	No, don't do it.
	Trademark it.
	And then, see, because they're like this, everything you're saying.
	Tell us off air.
	Or you can write it, mail it to your self-certified mail, and don't open it.
	I wrote a movie about cancel culture.
	I love it.
	Oh, I love it!
	I want to make it.
	Can you make it?
	Yeah.
	Is it done?
	No, it's not done.
	It's just fully written out.
	Me and my podcast partner, Sarah Weinshank, we wrote it together.
	Well, can I read it?
	Yes.
	And can I put notes on it?
	Absolutely.
	She loves notes.
	You know I'll put some fucking notes on it.
	Yes, yes.
	And if it gets made, can you be in it?
	Of course.
	Well, you're the queen of cancel culture.
	You're the only one that actually got canceled.
	I'm the queen of skank.
	I'm the skankiest skank and cancel skank.
	Well, that's the thing I always want to say is like, you know, I'm glad comics are stepping up now and fighting back, but when she was going through that, no one said shit.
	And that's why I'm still pissed.
	Like, nobody backed you up when you were going through your cancel.
	Comics were pussies.
	And now they're all going out there and like, look at me.
	Not that you did this, but other ones are like, I'm anti-cancel culture.
	It's like, where the fuck were you four or five years ago?
	You say shit about me.
	That's why I get mad.
	I'm not gonna name names, but that's why I'm mad.
	No, I know what you mean.
	Yeah.
	And I'm glad that you're authentic about it.
	Yeah.
	No, I would have, but I just, uh... I don't tweet like that.
	Yeah.
	I post and ghost.
	I'm in and out.
	But I'm like, you know, uh... Bitch, you wasn't there.
	Yeah.
	So I'm like, for whatever the fuck... I gotta tell you, every time I hear it... From now on, I just go, bitch, you wasn't there.
	I'll say that for everybody.
	And that goes way back because people used to, here's how it was, one thing.
	When I was doing my act, people used to come up to me and go, I love what you're doing.
	Women.
	They're scared to say it out loud.
	At the parties.
	Yeah, but I don't think they do that no more, do they?
	But I used to hear that and I'd be like, what a freak show.
	And then I'd go to the Midwest where everybody's like, in Iowa, I mean, I love Iowa because I was thin there.
	Oh yeah.
	And they're all like, fuck yeah, let's go, you're telling the truth.
	Fuck them.
	They're big, strong women, but out in Hollywood, I love what you're saying.
	They're scared.
	Yeah.
	They're scared.
	They're scared of real women.
	Yeah.
	Ain't they?
	Yeah.
	We're scary.
	We're powerful.
	We're some scary fucking... We're scary as fuck.
	Dude, if I watched a woman, if I didn't know what giving birth was, and I watched a woman give birth, I'd be like, that's a demon.
	That's a demon.
	Like, that's crazy.
	That's crazy that that happened.
	Or if I didn't know what that was, like the fact... Women are insane.
	They are.
	In a good way.
	Yeah, you don't ever want to go through that.
	If you get the choice of whether to do that or not, don't.
	Really?
	Is it not worth it to be?
	I definitely want to have kids.
	I don't know if I want to be pregnant.
	It kind of grosses me out, the whole process.
	It's really gross.
	You've got to be pregnant though, because you saw, was it Khloe Kardashian that did the surrogate?
	She didn't have a bond with the baby at first.
	They don't.
	Maybe ever.
	A lot of people don't bond with the kid they have.
	They throw it against the wall and kill it.
	Let's take the mystery out of this shit.
	It's true.
	People are fucking psychotic.
	You have to want to do it.
	Some people make good parents and some people, they just, you know, what does it matter?
	We're all going to be dead soon.
	We're all going to be fucking dead soon.
	Dead as a fucking door knob.
	No one's going to care.
	How's it going to happen?
	What do you put?
	20 years or less?
	Oh God, I think less.
	Six hours.
	We gotta make that movie.
	Yeah.
	We gotta get on that movie.
	We gotta piss people off before we go.
	Let's fucking drop a big fucking nugget.
	Yeah, I want to go out in a fit of rage.
	I think that's a great... What's the most rage-filled thing you could say to end this?
	PSYOP we've been perpetrating on humanity this hour.
	Conjoined twins were the original they-thems.
	I think you're right.
	They're the first ones.
	It's their thing.
	They're the they-thems.
	And it should only be they-thems.
	There's two of them!
	You didn't see when we were little.
	Oh, but in Utah, you know, that wasn't that unusual.
	The conjoined twin thing in Salt Lake City.
	Why?
	It was so every day.
	Ew, what do you mean you saw conjoined twins every day?
	All the time in Salt Lake.
	They have a lot of disabled people in Salt Lake.
	They do.
	All the time.
	I gotta tell you how unhinged it is that you both are casually telling me that there's an overconsumption of conjoined twins in Salt Lake City, which the fuck is happening with the Mormons?
	As I grew up.
	I grew up.
	No, I don't know.
	Well, they do marry their cousins.
	There's 40 of them in a desert a hundred years ago.
	Now there's millions.
	You don't get there without fucking your sister.
	Well, it's the same dad.
	Ancestry that gets them conjoined?
	Well, I'm just telling you what I saw.
	There was the Nelson conjoined twins when I grew up, and they were joined at the head.
	See, a lot of them, another pair of them was conjoined at the chest, so they couldn't separate them because there was only one heart between them.
	So in order to separate them, they had to like actually kill one of them.
	So they just let them live that way and they got along fine, you know?
	They have to.
	I know.
	They didn't have any problems.
	And they live to be like in their 20s.
	We need some conjoined twin stand-ups.
	I know, that would definitely be the next level.
	They have two mics and they're connected backwards at the head and then they could have different faces when they come around.
	He said, she said.
	One says the setup, the other one does the punchline.
	That'd be great.
	That would really, really... That would get me.
	Everyone could be all scared.
	That could go on America's Got Talent.
	Yeah, Simon Cowell would nut at seeing that.
	That would be a big deal.
	Yeah.
	If that would ever happen.
	We could probably make it happen, but that would be offensive and it would be wrong.
	It'd be hilarious.
	It would be funny.
	Oh, man.
	I think the most offensive thing I could say is...
	Maybe we won't get lucky and die.
	Maybe we'll have to live like this forever.
	Can I tell you, I have a theory that this is really narcissistic.
	That nobody else has ever existed.
	We're the only ones.
	It's all simulation.
	History has been made up.
	We're the only ones and when we get old we go like back to the beginning and just start over.
	You mean you're the only one, just you?
	Not even me, like whoever's in this world, and maybe I created them so they're real in my own mind or whatever it is, but... They're holograms that you created out of your perceptions and fears.
	Yeah, maybe, maybe.
	And whatever it is, I have a theory that, like, by the time it's time to go, it's, like, gonna go back again.
	And it just keeps going.
	It's possible.
	Possible and probable.
	Because, like, who knows?
	Yeah, who does know?
	This probably isn't even this.
	No.
	I could be hallucinating in a prison right now.
	I could be with padded walls around me thinking I'm talking to Roseanne and they're like, she thinks she's with Roseanne again.
	Poor girl.
	That's kind of how I feel.
	It's like, she thinks she is Roseanne.
	You're not even Roseanne.
	That's how fucking delusional she is.
	Oh god.
	I know that'll be the way it ends for me at some point.
	Where I'll be in a nut house and they'll go, that fucking old fat bitch thinks she's Roseanne.
	She's so fucking nuts.
	She thinks she's Roseanne.
	As if the real Roseanne would ever sink that low.
	Oh my god.
	And then they're like poking me and putting me in the...
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	Something horrifying.
	Are you scared to die?
	No, I'm not afraid to die because I almost, you know, I'm not afraid of that.
	I'm afraid of what happens just before.
	Here's my real thing.
	If I was on a desert island, I'd have no fear.
	But to have people that you're supposed to love and trust around you is my worst fear.
	Because you think you're going to say something horrible?
	Well, because you never know.
	And that's their last chance to fuck with you.
	That's their last fucking chance to fuck with you.
	Like I told my son today, the one you met, I'm going to wait until you all fucking find out at the reading of the will.
	Oh, I don't think I won't have the last laugh.
	But you're not going to do that because you want to be there.
	When the wheel's red and everyone's pissed, so you're going to have to fake your death, because you're not going to miss that.
	There's no way you'd miss that.
	That's the movie I want to write, and I kind of am writing about a woman that fakes her own death because she's tired of being famous.
	I love that.
	That's great.
	I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours.
	Yeah, I want to read yours.
	Yeah, let's do it.
	Can you tell me a little without giving the... I mean... She already did!
	We just said cancel culture.
	It's a female version of The Hangover.
	Oh, I love it!
	Yeah.
	I get to play the Mike Tyson part.
	Yeah, please.
	Please.
	Please.
	Yeah, and instead of looking for a missing groom, we're looking for something that can get us canceled.
	That went missing.
	I wonder what that is.
	That reminds me of when I had to give up an organ to get off the ABC reality show I was on.
	Wait, what?
	What organ?
	I had to give up my uterus.
	I had to demand that they take out my uterus so I could get off this ABC reality show they had me on.
	And then I went back to ABC after that.
	That's very Jewish.
	Isn't it?
	Isn't it so fucking do it?
	Well, you know, I forgive them.
	Why would you forgive Nazis, you stupid cow?
	This is my internal dialogue show.
	I thought you were my mother talking to me, sorry.
	But I had to give up a fucking organ.
	Well, I'll just tell the story real quick.
	She was in the, well, she was having problems.
	It was the night the show aired and it didn't do well.
	It got canceled like in three weeks, but we already knew that the show wasn't going to do well and they were going to air all 14 episodes and they did a really bad job.
	So she went, she was having complications and they wanted her to do, they wanted her to do all the press.
	So we went to the doctor cause she was bleeding and they said, you, you need to have a hysterectomy, but we can wait until the press tour is done.
	We could do a DNC and put off your hysterectomy.
	And mom said, can you do it?
	Are you shitting me?
	Can you do it Monday?
	And get me out of it.
	So she elected to have the surgery and then got out of the show.
	All the press to her.
	But she didn't have to.
	Right.
	She actually gave up ordination.
	Well, I was in my 50s.
	Yeah.
	She don't need it anymore.
	You know, God, I can't wait to get rid of mine.
	I'm gonna pop out a kid and get rid of mine because it causes a lot of issues, to be honest.
	It does.
	Popping out a kid is a lifetime thing, girl.
	I know.
	Once you do it, it's not like a dog.
	You can't take it to the shelter.
	Well, I don't want a dog.
	I have no urge for a dog.
	Dogs are harder than babies.
	I have no patience for dogs.
	No, they're harder than kids.
	I love kids.
	I'm not crazy about pets.
	I've always been like that.
	And I feel like if I don't have a kid, I will be missing out.
	There's two things I've always wanted.
	I didn't want to be a stand-up.
	Okay, then you'll have to get a man.
	You can't have a kid without a man.
	That's what I know.
	No, don't even try it.
	I know.
	It looks like a nightmare without a man.
	It is.
	It's not worth it.
	It's not good for the kid either.
	No, it's horrible for the kid.
	So you've got to get a man and it has to be a strong man and not a pussy in disguise.
	I could never be with a pussy, even in disguise or not.
	I do not like the men that are now.
	So you can't get nobody in Hollywood.
	No, the last breakup I had, the guy, I had to break up with him because the motherfucker wanted to split a meal with me when he took me on a date.
	I was like, are you fucking kidding me?
	Are you kidding?
	Are you kidding me?
	So you're not a feminist?
	And he was like, well, I just noticed a lot of times, especially since moving to LA, that a lot of the women expect you to pay for a date.
	I'm like, yeah, your nails aren't done.
	Your hair is not done.
	You don't have a pussy that I can fuck.
	Like, what are you bringing to me?
	I'm like, you should just want to pay because it makes you feel good because you're a man.
	It should make you feel good to buy a woman a meal.
	It should make you feel like, like, I'm a man.
	I provided this woman with a meal.
	If not, like, you're like, something's wrong.
	Biologically, there's something going on.
	I agree, but I'll tell you, as a man that grew up in the 80s and post-feminism, like, we've also been told as men, like, don't do this, it's offensive, everything's offensive, you want to be sensitive, and a lot of us bought that shit.
	I did.
	I'm straight up.
	And a lot of them are just assholes that go, well, they say they like feminism, so then let them pay.
	Yeah.
	Well, that's true, too.
	Well, that's because they're cheap, and they feel like, thank God, yeah.
	They're cheap assholes.
	That's why I was pro-feminism, so I wouldn't have to.
	Yeah, they're just cheap assholes.
	Yeah, no, I want a guy to provide so much that when we break up, I have nothing.
	You don't even know how to take care of yourself.
	Like the olden days, you know?
	I want to be left with nothing because I had to do nothing for the last three years, and that's worth... I dated a guy once, he paid for everything.
	When we broke up, I had nothing, but I was like, the last three years were awesome.
	Yeah.
	Well, who needs nothing?
	I started over.
	It was awesome.
	Well, yeah.
	I got on the other side of that where I was like, fuck, that's why I started hating women.
	Well, that's what I'm getting at.
	My son said, I really hate women.
	Once I was on the losing side of the divorce, the moneymaker, and seeing how that shit goes.
	And with the child custody stuff, too.
	It was really unfair for men.
	It's horrible.
	Oh, it's horrible.
	Yeah, it's really sad.
	So it's just all a yank.
	Everything's a fucking yank.
	The new thing about my act, and I see young women doing it, is just making fun of women.
	It's so the right thing, the great thing, I love it.
	Yeah, we're very funny, and funny to make fun of.
	We're so crazy.
	And no more of that sisterhood horseshit.
	No, you guys need to call each other out.
	We need to call women out.
	I do it all the time, and everyone just gets mad at me, and it's like, I'm a man.
	No, I have.
	I'm the only one that does have a right.
	I have to date women.
	I'm a man.
	I'm the one that has to put up with your bullshit.
	You guys aren't nearly as fucked up to each other as you are to the person you're in a relationship with.
	I would suggest you watch what you're saying to me.
	He weighed almost 10 pounds.
	She does this every podcast.
	Almost 10 pounds.
	Well, I'm talking about dating.
	I'm saying crazy women.
	I'm saying he doesn't have a right to open his mouth to me when he came out weighing 10 pounds.
	10 pounds is crazy.
	It was.
	Well, I didn't do it.
	It's not my fault.
	I shouldn't be punished because I was fat.
	You ate too much.
	Stand in, correct me nothing.
	He don't have that right.
	Those are rights for a seven-pound baby.
	Who do you think, when a woman's crazy, who do you think is victimized from her craziness more?
	A man or a woman?
	Her children.
	Yeah, absolutely her children.
	Her sons.
	I think everyone around her.
	Her sons get a particular punishment, but what she does to her daughters, oh my God,
	you really fuck up your daughters.
	Because you're like, bitch, don't you, you know?
	And then they're just bitches.
	Your daughters are nothing but dirty bitches.
	I wish I was smart enough to go into the psyche of whatever happens between a mother and a daughter.
	It is sick and twisted and like this deep connection where you, it feels the same.
	You know when I said being a comedian feels like narcissism and self-hatred?
	That feels like the same relationship.
	My mother, like we could be getting along great.
	And she could take a sip of my drink and piss me off.
	I'm like, why?
	Like, I don't know what it is.
	It's like this weird, competitive trigger thing.
	And then there's this guilt after where you're like, she's gonna die one day.
	And then you're like, well, this is her fault too.
	I gotta tell you, the happiest thing happened to me.
	It's starting to happen and I knew it would.
	My daughter that you remind me of, She had a daughter and I knew.
	It was gonna happen.
	I knew she's gonna get hers.
	My mom tells me that.
	It's karma.
	Oh yeah.
	So the daughter says, I said, I'm going to go over there and visit, you know?
	And the little girl says to her mom, my daughter, oh, I can't wait till she gets here because I need a break from you.
	Oh my God, my heart swolled.
	It swolled in joy.
	Oh, I knew I lived a life for that.
	I heard it comes back harder to you.
	Yeah.
	How fun.
	Well, I hope I have a daughter.
	Yeah, but... Over a son, I think.
	I mean, there's a lot... But there's something about having a daughter in my head.
	I'm like, I want to sculpt them to be, like, cooler than me.
	Like, I feel like I'm pretty cool.
	Yeah, you do.
	You kind of do.
	You can't help it.
	You want to fix yourself in them.
	Yeah, you try.
	Mm-hmm.
	But then they end up a fucking psychotic, neurotic... Do you think that's what the tension is?
	Fucking fat-ass holders like you.
	Yes.
	Of course.
	That's what the tension is.
	You want to fix yourself, and then when it doesn't work, you get frustrated with each other.
	Yeah, because they turn out just like you.
	And they're already you anyway, so they're like, why are you even trying?
	And then they hate you, and then they know you.
	They hate themselves.
	They know they are you.
	Yeah.
	It's too much karma.
	It's a lot.
	The whole thing is a lot.
	Please, can we have some answers?
	I'm done with the fucking mystery.
	I bet you and me could do it.
	We should do this another time.
	I wrote a sketch.
	I would ask you to do that sketch with me.
	I would love to.
	It's a mother-daughter sketch about kind of this exact thing we're talking about.
	Yeah, I wrote a sitcom.
	I don't want to do it, but they're trying to make me do it.
	Anyway.
	I'm down.
	I don't know.
	I'll never do it.
	Don't do it.
	They're trying to make me do it.
	But it's such a good scene because it's a mother, a daughter, and a granddaughter.
	You could do sketches.
	I just want to do sketches.
	Yeah, do a five minute short.
	I could never do the same thing every week for ten fucking years again.
	I never could do that.
	I want to do it so bad.
	You do?
	Well, you know, I did a little bit of... Well, if you're going to have a kid, you would.
	I really want to act.
	It's the first thing I ever wanted to do, was be an actor.
	And so I'm like, I really want to.
	I've been auditioning lately and I love it.
	Oh, that's so cool.
	Love it.
	It's so fun and it's like, I thought stand-up was the only thing I'm good at.
	And I'm pretty self-aware.
	I know when I'm bad at something and I can recognize if it's for fun or if I want to do it.
	I feel like I am such a good actor.
	Oh, that's cool.
	Part of it is probably being a sociopath.
	Absolutely.
	Right, exactly.
	Not until I started acting, for me, it's really hard for me to I see other people's perspectives, I think, sometimes.
	And when I'm acting, a lot of people are like, oh, when I'm acting, I get to be somebody else.
	I'm like, no, when I'm acting, I get to be myself, but this person.
	And I didn't even know how to be that.
	And the character taught me how to be a different version of myself.
	It's like, it doesn't change me.
	It's still like your own feelings.
	It's very interesting.
	It is.
	It's fun.
	It's fun.
	Well, you'll have to come back.
	I'll come back.
	I loved having you.
	This was so fun.
	Thank you for coming.
	This is a dream come true.
	Thank you.
	I love how the respect you pay my mother.
	I've always wanted to tell you that.
	She's awesome.
	I mean, this is really cool for me.
	This is one of the coolest things I've ever done.
	Thank you very much.
	You're very sweet and will talk and nice shoes.
	Thank you.

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