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Oct. 5, 2023 - The Roseanne Barr Podcast
01:32:39
#017 Shannon Hughey | The Roseanne Barr Podcast
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Time Text
Okay, hey everybody.
Hi, welcome.
This is the Roseanne Barr podcast and I'm very excited to be conversing with my guest tonight who just happens to be my oldest friend in the world and she is also my confidante, my stylist and my makeup artist to the star.
And, uh, dear friend, welcome Miss Shannon Huey Bersan.
Bersan.
Bersan.
I haven't changed my name yet.
She recently was married to a man named John Bersan, and it has no vowels in the name.
Interesting.
Well, there is an A. It's B-R-S-A-N.
Oh, there is a vowel.
Excuse me.
me. I'll have to rewind and cut that.
I'm happy to see you.
I haven't seen you for a while.
I know.
It's been since Memorial Weekend in Austin.
Did I see you then?
Yeah, remember you got super high and bombed at the mothership?
That was Shannon.
Yeah.
And we did Joe Rogan at the mothership.
Oh my God!
I remember that.
I told you, I go, honey, I'm never coming back here, didn't I?
I was bumming.
I did a terrible job on stage.
You did not.
Oh, I thought I died 10 dogs deaths.
That's what it sounded like by you.
When Shannon was texting me during, she's like, she's doing great.
Everyone loves it.
And then I went to pick you guys up and you said it was the worst set you ever did.
Oh yeah, I was ashamed of myself.
Was it really that bad though?
No.
No, I think you just got too high.
Yeah, another time that I got too high.
You know, I think I get nervous so I smoke pot and then I forget all my jokes, all my punchlines, and I get even more nervous so it doesn't even help me.
It hinders me.
I'm on the verge of sobriety.
No, there's that window where if you open it too far, it's bad.
There's that fine line of here's where it's good and then it's too much and then you forget everything and then you're nervous and then you know you're forgetting everything and then you freak out and then And that's really great on stage, to be going through all those emotions.
Yeah, it's not good on stage.
Now, you've seen me on stage for several years, haven't you?
How many years?
Well, I met you in October 1997, and you were going to Barbara Streisand's wedding.
Oh, that's right.
Didn't you do my makeup for her wedding?
Yes, that was the first time.
Did you go?
I didn't know you were... Yeah.
Did I look good?
She married James Brolin.
Did I look good?
Yes, of course you looked good.
I can't remember what I was wearing.
Do you?
Hell no.
Do you remember what my makeup and hair was like?
Just, you know, super soft and beautiful and, you know, you wanted to look classic.
It's Babs, you know.
I didn't want to outshine her.
What was the wedding like?
People want to know.
Oh, it was lovely.
And she's lovely and he's lovely.
And I invited him on my show, you know, at James Brolin.
And he came on to play my fantasy man.
When I was in my... That's right.
I guess that was my eighth season.
And, uh, you know, after I'd won the lottery.
And, uh, I think it was shortly before I purchased the town.
A lot of people don't really know how that show... how I wrapped that up.
Yeah.
I don't.
I know no one cares, but... Well, tell us!
This is a special... Well, I... People would love to know.
I, as in Roseanne Conner, she, uh, won the lottery, and she goes and she buys the town factory that she used to work in, that she walked out of when she tried to, you know, organize her sister and fellow workers.
In Lanford, Illinois.
So she goes back and she buys the factory and she institutes profit sharing, which is my politics are of profit sharing for workers.
And so that's what she does and thereby saves the town.
And that was my final, that was my next to the last season.
That's sweet.
Because I felt like, you know, when I first became rich and incredibly famous and wealthy and gorgeous.
I knew you were going to say gorgeous.
I knew that.
That was my fantasy was to, you know, It really was part of my fantasy was to, you know, help other people.
Okay, wait.
Back to Barbara's wedding.
Tell me about that.
Give the people what they want.
Oh, it was her wedding reception.
Did she have on white still at the reception?
No, she had on a lovely attire is all I remember.
It was at What's-His-Name's house.
It has that gorgeous house there up on the hill.
David, the songwriter.
Foster.
Yeah, David Foster.
Because he was at Beverly's wedding.
And that was him and two wives ago.
He's since remarried twice and so have I. She's like 35 and he's like 70 or something.
Yeah, his new wife is that singer on... Yeah, the dark-haired chick.
What was her name?
On the Star Search?
Yeah.
Or what is it?
American Idol.
American Idol.
And she's good.
Star Search!
You're dating yourselves.
This all blends together at my age.
But she was quite good.
Yeah.
And they have a kid.
Oh, they do?
And he'll be about 90 when the kid graduates from high school.
Just like you, Ma.
Yeah, kind of like me.
No, I'm 70 and my youngest is 28, as you know.
And you're about to turn?
71.
So I'm trying to think of what I should do for my birthday party.
Because I never gave myself a 70th birthday.
Yeah, that was sad.
I have not given myself any birthday parties for quite a while.
Let's have like a vape.
But here I am on my own.
And you know the one thing I missed by being in a relationship for so many years was giving up my parties.
And girlfriends.
And I'm going to return to that.
And girlfriends, yeah.
That's the thing is when you're in a relationship you tend to give up everything you love.
That's the best part.
No, here's just a thought.
Girls Weekend, Jake Films, us all.
Sounds horrible already, but I'm looking.
Five of your, or three or four.
Yeah, three's enough.
And we go to like... Maybe four.
The Bahamas or something, or Nashville.
No, not Nashville.
Somewhere like, not too far out of the realm, but like... Or you can really party down.
Or, wait, ayahuasca and wherever that... Everybody says that you barf or crap yourself.
Yeah.
That doesn't sound fun.
You're going to do that on your birthday anyway.
Might as well get something out of it.
Jake, look at... I do want to try that ayahuasca.
Everybody was telling me that it changed their life for trauma, yeah.
Which, God knows, can we talk about, you've been through like, I don't know.
10 traumas?
Oh, that's easy.
I'd say 25.
Double?
Okay.
Yeah, 25.
Okay.
25 life-threatening, life-ending traumas, I'd say.
Emotional traumas.
And some physical.
What was the worst?
The worst?
How can you ask me that?
I don't even... I know.
They've all been blanked.
I'm thinking of a worse, but yeah, I don't want to talk about that.
No, let's talk about the worst things that have ever happened.
That'll be a job to talk about.
No, people would actually like that, to be honest.
I think.
I would love it if you did that.
So I met... The worst was, huh?
I met you in 1997.
Quit slapping the couch.
Oh, sorry.
Okay, you met me in 1997.
Yes, ma'am.
Yeah, I was doing a dry rehearsal, I guess you'd say, for my talk show, which was about to begin, and we were doing it at a little theater.
No.
No?
We did it at Television City, and we did it at the stage.
Oh, we did?
But it wasn't done yet.
Isn't that interesting?
You thought it was at a little theater.
It was at CBS Television City in Hollywood.
And so, Jake, you know this story, don't you?
I don't think he does know it.
Which story is this?
How I connected with her.
No, tell me.
It's weird.
It's wild.
We believe in God, and God has a plan for each and every one of us, and you can't make this shit up.
So I did her friend Beverly Gotika's wedding makeup, and then I started doing Beverly's hair and makeup, and she goes, I need you to do my makeup and hair for Lionel Richie's party.
Roseanne's gonna be there.
And I'm like, okay.
So I went to her house, did it all.
She went, she goes, Roseanne asked me who did my hair and makeup.
She loved it.
And I'm like, did you give her my number?
You know, and of course she didn't because those bitches are stingy bitches and they don't want to share.
Well, don't say that about Beverly.
Okay.
Yeah.
We'll edit that out.
Okay.
Anyway, so Then I'm like, I'm never going to meet Roseanne.
Quit slapping the couch.
Is that echoing?
Okay.
Yeah.
I'm never going to meet Roseanne.
I don't know.
How am I ever going to connect with her?
So I, my friend was visiting.
I take him down Hollywood Boulevard in front of man's Chinese theater to see the footprints and all this stuff.
It's very windy.
A piece of paper below.
Jake, look at me.
I'm watching you on the monitor.
piece of paper blows up and hits my leg, and I'm like, ugh, and I look at it.
Come meet Roseanne Barr in an informal gathering of her talk show at CBS Television City Hollywood.
It's like in three days.
And I'm like, okay, I have a porn to work on that day, doing porn hair and makeup.
Yeah, specify hair and makeup.
Movie, hair and makeup.
No, you said I have a porn to do, but you mean the makeup.
I know.
No, I wasn't in the porn.
Right.
You're on a podcast.
I did the hair and makeup.
Okay.
I didn't know there was hair and makeup in porn, which is hilarious.
Okay, everyone, I'll do the porn people's hair and makeup, and I got to go, because I got to go see Roseanne.
And so then I get there, and they're like, do you have false lashes?
And I'm like, oh, Oh no.
And they go, she needs false eyelashes.
So they had to run out.
And then they go, here she comes.
And I was like.
That's not true.
The first time you met me, I already had a guy doing my makeup.
You had done it before and you didn't like, you had one hair, one makeup and you didn't like any two people.
I could do both.
No, but didn't you come up to me when I was on stage and go, I could do.
That's part of.
Oh, okay.
Go ahead.
I remember this.
Okay.
I just thought you were telling another.
No.
This was a life-changing thing in my life.
I will never forget every minute of what happened.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Can I hear about the Barbra Streisand wedding?
Or no, we're past that.
Was it nice?
Oh, it was lovely.
Like, was there food?
Like, what did they dress up?
Yes, they had lovely food.
They served lovely food.
Did she talk to you?
Oh, yeah.
I had been with her several times before that.
My favorite The first time with her was we were in New Orleans because it was Napti, where they sell the shows.
And Jim was selling his show.
Pensacola Wings of Gold.
And we had the same manager, me and Jim.
She's name dropping with Babs.
I love it.
And so we was walking down the street and the sheriff came and he says, I'd like to take you ladies gator hunting later.
And we'll go in that thing.
And I was so stupid, you know, with all of my Tics and problems and my OCD and what have you.
You?
No.
I go, I just, I can't go in a swamp.
I'm sorry.
Wait, you were going to go gator hunting with Barbra Streisand and James Brolin and you turned it down?
Yeah.
Jesus.
Because I got too nervous.
Babs doesn't even do that.
She did go and I asked the sheriff the next day, what did I miss?
I said, I'm kicking myself in the ass that I didn't go.
And he goes, well, you should kick yourself in the ass.
We had a great time and she loved it.
She just loved it.
And so he was telling me, you know, she never had done anything like that and how much she loved it.
And they all loved her, you know, and everybody was lining up and she was so kind to all of them and sweet, you know.
And so then we was walking around.
It was starting to get dark and we was, she wanted to see Bourbon Street.
We had a bunch of guys around us so we were safe and walking Bourbon Street.
Like security?
Yeah.
They go, uh, I go, Hey, let's go down there that, uh, let's go down there and see all the gays, you know?
And she, then her OCD kicked in and she goes, Oh no, I, I would, I can't go down there.
Cause the gays love her.
She'd be torn limb by limb.
I got a hank of her hair!
I got her nose!
That would be quite the haul.
So I said, Oh yeah, I didn't think that.
I didn't think that way.
But, uh, But the gays love you too.
Yeah, but not like they look.
Can you imagine being gay in New Orleans and Roseanne Barr and Barbara Streisand turn the corner?
Wait, did you say New Orleans?
New Orleans.
New Orleans.
Alright, so that was it with Barbara.
That's pretty cool.
That's hilarious.
Well, I've had, you know, the pleasure of her company many times.
I didn't know that.
I only met her when you were looking at her house.
Well, I'm not a name dropper.
Well, it's a podcast.
Even though you say I am.
I never said you were.
But, yeah, I've had the pleasure of her company many times.
And she likes a lot of the same kind of antiques that I like.
She likes Stokely.
Tiffany, Lambs.
Yeah, and Stokely.
What's Stokely?
It's that really cool American kind of almost Amish furniture.
It's really cool.
I remember you went to look at her house.
You were going to buy it.
I went I was going to buy her house, but it just had too many stairs.
You know, even though that buck was little and I was just worried about him on stairs, so I didn't buy it.
I remember my ex-boyfriend that was the artist that you know that we will not... the artist formerly known as... did stuff for her and she had a... George Washington's first... she bought George Washington's first painting.
Wow.
When he was like seven years old and it was him on a horse that he sketched.
I've seen that, yeah.
And he was like, I'm not Sara Stark ever, but I was sitting on the floor in front of her on my knees.
That's when you should have known that he was gay.
So anyway, you did porn makeup, right?
Yes.
Can you just tell me what that's like real quick?
I know what people want to hear.
Is it normal movie set makeup?
Or how's it different?
Yes, but here's the deal.
You have to clean up after?
I'd always say, don't cum in their face.
It's more work for me.
And plus, if you get it in your eyes, which you probably have never had.
No, I haven't had the pleasure.
But it burns and your eyes turn bloodshot red and get swollen.
So I'm like, please.
So you're like a cut man in like a boxing match.
Like you have to get the bloodshot out from the cum in their eyes?
This is what people want.
Not even eye drops takes that away though.
Here's the funny part.
So they're in the makeup chair and we're like, I'm doing their makeup and then the guy comes in.
Hi, I'm Joe Schlong and I will be fucking you today.
And she's like, hi Joe.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, what are your likes and dislikes?
Okay, don't pinch my titty nipples too hard.
I don't wanna kiss.
You can pull my hair.
Like, all the likes and dislikes.
And then they're like, okay, cool.
Okay, see you in about an hour.
So professional.
Oh my God.
Very professional.
Oh my God.
And then when Viagra came out, ugh.
That was the worst because they can't cum and you know you need that cum shot.
Yeah.
That's you know.
So you have like a stand-in for that?
No, so we took, what is that stuff called?
Not CeraVe, the face wash that's like.
Oh, the Cetaphil?
Cetaphil!
I never knew that.
And we'd go, squirt it all over the girls' stomachs.
Oh really?
He just destroyed porn.
And then they'd fake it.
And then it looked like cum all over him.
A male faked orgasm in porn.
This is groundbreaking.
And those chicks!
I mean, no one hardly ever has an orgasm on a chick.
Well, chicks don't do that anyway.
I guess the ones you've been with.
But you know... But you used to tell me that a lot of Hollywood actors, big names would come to the porn set to watch the porns, right?
Yes.
Just to watch?
Rock stars, actors, you know, they all love porn chicks.
Why do you suppose?
Well, I think personally because they don't have...
Like a certain comedian that I remember doesn't like to get involved.
They just want to have sex.
So there's a certain kind of like, okay, let's have sex.
You're a porn star.
Okay.
Now there's no, are we going to see each other again?
I love you.
You know, it's just like cut and dry sex, like a prostitute, but you know who they are.
But what about the big stars that would come just to watch?
Because they're like sex freaks.
Or maybe they were like scouting.
They want to see it live.
They don't want to see it like on a video.
Did they try to get involved or get their phone numbers and shit like that?
I didn't see any of that, honestly.
I can't say what I did.
That's kind of creepy to just show up and watch.
I'll never forget like... Can you give us a name?
No, no I'm not going to say any names.
The stuff that I saw Was kind of like at one point desensitizing because it's like this girl, I think I told you this.
There was one time when a girl was like, you know, my, my husband doesn't know I'm doing this.
He thinks I'm a dancer.
And so she's like having a sex scene and they're like, okay, reverse cowgirl.
Okay, missionary.
You know, there's all the little things.
And then her phone rings.
Everyone's like, be quiet.
It's her husband.
And she's like, hi, honey.
Yep, I'm on a break.
Oops.
I'm on a break, you know.
Okay, I'll be home in an hour.
Feed the kids.
Oh my God.
No, they had families and stuff.
Were they just doing it for the money?
I mean, obviously.
I think a lot of them just really like sex.
Some did it for the money because they realize if I'm a secretary all week for 40 hours and I make $500 and then I make $500 for one hour having sex, I'm good.
If I make $500 for one hour having sex, I'm good.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
But do you think they like the sex?
Some of them did.
I felt like some of them did.
And there were couples that were husband and wife that they're like, okay, cool, we're into sex, we're, like, let's make a living at it.
Hmm.
Interesting.
And I, you know, I don't judge, whatever.
I know, I met, well, I've...
Yeah, I like her.
But I met a lot of people that, you know, hang out with comedians that are strippers and sex workers and stuff like that.
And, you know, they're selling a whole bill of goods, you know.
And you know what?
That's a whole lifestyle, like it's all at night.
And I think comedians and strippers and all that, it's like a whole underground lifestyle at night.
But some of them told me, like this one lady, I guess I was in my 40s and so was she, but you know, she just enjoyed to have sex with people.
I was pretty shocked because it was not anything that I had ever considered.
Speaking of sex, what about testosterone?
Hold on, we've got to pause.
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Great.
You are always a one-take wonder.
So anyway, back to jizzing on people's faces.
What were we talking about?
No, what was the movie, the Disney movie with the cow, where you played the cow?
Oh yeah, that's over there.
Roseanne?
What was that movie called?
That joke wasn't funny.
Down on the Farm or some shit?
Home on the Range.
You didn't hear my joke?
I said Roseanne.
Is that okay?
Come on, that was funny.
No, I just want to say, I, you know, I was around her a lot and then we did that cartoon thing and she did the voiceover and
She would do it. They'd go do it like this. She'd do it.
They go do it like Softer she'd do that one take one take every single time
that cartoon. I was just like wow, she's a pro literally
But you didn't do that many voiceover cartoons did you No, but I had to do a whole bunch of promos.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And Luke who's talking, you're the voice of the girl in the sequel, the little baby.
Yeah, that's true.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Yeah, with Travolta and Kirstie.
Kirstie Alley.
She's a God rest her soul.
Yeah, God rest her soul.
She was a good fighter.
I love her.
She was really fighting there at the end for good stuff, wasn't she?
Yes.
They definitely killed her.
She was the only... You think they killed her?
I do.
She was the outspoken Hollywood Republican.
Well, she was fine as a Scientologist.
They protected her, but as soon as she started talking about the facts and COVID, that was it.
She had to go.
That's my theory.
I don't know.
She was pretty old.
She was older than me.
Was she?
Not that old.
Let me look this up.
She was a couple years older than me.
I remember we would wake up at like 5 a.m.
and you'd have to do those promos.
Hey, watch me on ABC Cincinnati.
And then you do all of the, oh my God, that was a nightmare.
All that stuff.
All right, so where were we with the?
The porn.
He's back at it.
No, no, then you met mom.
We never finished your story when you met mom.
Yeah, you did.
Yeah, I said, she said, you got the job, kid.
And then we did this fantastic, This fantastic talk show and we had so many cool people on.
Remember you rolling on the bed with Julio Iglesias?
The sun.
Enrique?
Yeah, Enrique Iglesias.
Yeah, he's pretty hot.
You were rolling on that round bed.
Because our stage, remember it went in a circle and she had a kitchen and a living room.
Remember the people in the audience that they brought in and we found out they were hired from a mental institution and like off the streets and stuff because they couldn't get an audience.
They didn't know how to get an audience at CBS there.
That is a true story.
Yeah, remember they were all mentally ill and stuff.
And they'd be stealing toilet paper out of... I don't remember that.
Remember that lady?
She goes, hey, Roseanne, look, I got my toilet paper, and she'd hold it up.
In the crowd, she told you?
Yeah.
Well, we're lucky that we weren't assaulted by anybody back then.
Yeah, they were all crazy, and I was trying to make them laugh.
Their eyes was going every which way.
You know, they're like, oh, you know what?
I'm sorry.
I'm going to digress for one second.
I forgot the part where when I was in the audience, when you were trying the show out and then that's, I forgot that part.
I skipped.
Yeah.
And dyslexic.
Okay.
So there was a part where I went to the show for your thing.
And I was sitting in the front row and then she goes, do you have any questions?
She was walking around the audience and I go like this and she goes, do I know you?
That's what she said to me.
And I was like, in my head I heard no, but you are gonna know me.
And then I said, what was your favorite pizza?
And then, um, after the show, I was frozen.
Everyone starts leaving.
My friend's like, if you don't get up there and give her your card, this is before there was any security around or any, it was 1997.
It was before 9 11.
And I went up there on the stage.
I got on the stage and she was in this big chair and everyone's like leaning over her going, great job.
You did great.
Awesome.
Beautiful.
And then I was on my knees in front of you on that chair and I go, this is my card.
I was, uh, I did Beverly's hair and makeup at Lionel Richie's party.
She told me you liked my hair and makeup.
Here's my card.
Give me a call.
And that's not what you said at all.
You said I can do your hair.
And I was going to say, okay, then I go, and you know what?
I think your hair and makeup look like crap and I could do a better job.
Now that's a sales pitch.
And then she took my card and then that woman called me 20 minutes later.
Because I did feel like I looked like crap.
That guy was spraying shit on my face like grout.
He was spraying like 14 levels of shit on my face and plucking and beating.
I did a more natural.
No, you're great.
You've been doing my mom's makeup since then and everyone's always complimented your makeup.
You know, because you know why I like Shannon?
And we have to do a lesson for the older women.
I know.
Because she can slap it on in 15 minutes.
Yeah.
And your hair in another ten.
And that's what women our age and all ages really to do.
You don't have like three hours to sit there.
Can you give tips without showing?
Like something you could tell people that are watching?
Yeah, when you are older, less is more.
Moisturize, moisturize.
Tinted moisturizer.
Don't use a ton of foundation.
Don't use a lot of powder.
More creams.
If you have eyebrows and eyelashes and liner, that's really, and then nude lips.
I mean, you like a red lip, which is fine.
You can do, you know, accent one or the other.
One thing I liked you always said about older women is to keep your hair long.
Because a lot of women when they get that old age, they do that perm.
The short perm.
It makes them look old.
Speaking of which, I took the toenail clippers to my hair.
Yeah, but I like her hair now.
You don't like her hair?
I haven't seen it.
It's under a cap.
No, it looks good.
Show her.
Okay.
The unveiling.
I mean, it's under a hat.
You did that with toenail clippers?
Well, she had it cut first when she cleaned it up.
I got it colored.
Oh, that's cute.
And it's like tassel-y.
Yeah, I wanted it to look kind of punk rock.
Yeah.
Because I thought, I am punk rock, you know.
And you cut it yourself?
That's awesome.
They always try to make me look all suburban and shit.
No, it looks good.
That's awesome!
Right now, it looks really cool.
Right?
Really?
Yeah, we were telling you in Vegas you looked awesome.
I like this, though.
Like this in the back.
What's that do, Shannon?
Teach her tips.
Okay, so, like, if you take your fingertips to the roots of your hair, like she was doing to the top.
Let me try that.
Yeah.
That, like, roughs it up, and it's, like, teasing it.
It makes it bigger.
Oh, yeah.
Look at that.
Oh, I love it, honey.
That's so cute.
Really?
Yeah.
It's very, like, Bond-y.
Oh, yeah.
She's one of my idols.
Debbie Harry.
Because you know what?
Being conservative is kind of like punk rock now.
It is.
Absolutely it is.
No, that's awesome!
Oh my god, I love it.
Yeah.
Oh, cool.
I didn't want you to say nothing so I left my hat on.
That's so cute.
You guys have been best friends for 30 years and you're still shy about your hat.
Now, what about boyfriend testosterone?
Oh yeah, you were the one that chatted on all that stuff.
I thought you were finally going to be normal like me and not talk about sex all the time, because that died.
And then you went and started getting on the hormones and then you started being into sex again.
Wait, how do you make a hormone?
Kick her in the... No, this is your joke!
How do you make a hormone?
You don't pay her?
That ain't my joke!
You told me that!
I didn't write that.
Well, you told me that.
How do you make a hormone?
You don't pay her?
No, that ain't it.
Anyway, so you got on the... Can you tell the older... Because we have a lot of old women that listen to the show.
Yeah, so tell about you went and got on the testosterone, right?
You lost your sex drive, right?
Yeah.
Yes, okay, so my... And I liked her so much more.
Yeah, I did too.
Because she was more available for shopping.
She wasn't just thinking about sex all the time like Shannon always does.
Honey, all I think about is shopping and sex.
Yeah, so okay, so you went on the hormones because I thought you were crazy.
And my sister-in-law hooked me up with a killer place and they're out of St.
Louis in Kansas City and so I get It's all, of course, I have to pay out of pocket because it's all natural and it's good for you.
Big Pharma will give you estrogen that gives you cancer and all of this shit.
I have to pay $500.
No, it's now $700 every four months to get a pellet with estradiol, which mimics estrogen and progesterone, which is a compounding pharmacy.
It's not like, Big Pharma.
And testosterone and is that it?
Estrogen?
It's a pellet, right?
Yeah.
And so I just got that like two weeks ago.
And I mean, my, can I like, can I talk about my... Please.
Yeah.
Um, when I, before I got this and I had just met my boyfriend, I had a period.
Then it stopped.
I was 50.
Then I was dry as the Sahara desert.
I was like, um, crepe paper up in my shit and it was terrible.
I would bleed and it hurt and I didn't want to have sex anymore.
I had no sex drive.
It was dead.
Then I remember I went to Al Pacino's house to do makeup for his girlfriend and I started sweating profusely like on my mustache and my chest and I was like, Oh my God, what's happening?
The next day I curled my eyelashes.
They all broke off and I was like, I don't even know.
So I started Googling it.
This is when Google first came out and Like 13 years ago, or no, yeah, 13 years ago.
And it was menopause.
And I did not know what that was, because my mom had a hysterectomy.
My mom, no one ever talked about menopause, right?
Right, nobody did, yeah.
And, I mean, did you have hot flashes and everything?
Oh yeah, oh yeah, all the time.
It was really weird, but I already was uncomfortable in my own body for my whole life, so it wasn't shocking.
You know.
Just another day at the office.
Yeah.
Just another sweaty day.
I was like, I know what's it doing!
And so yeah, then, you know, my boyfriend at the time was like, okay, what's happening?
But I still love you.
And then I'm like, I don't know, you know, whatever.
And we became friends first.
And then I got on that pellet and I was like, let's go.
I feel 25.
Yeah, baby, you know.
And it gave me more energy, it gave me more, like, zhuzh.
You recommend it for the older ladies?
I do, I do.
It's biodentical.
Well, I went on some of that that Joe Rogan sent me to his doctor.
Well, they put me on the testosterone and estrogen shots and a million other things.
Not estrogen, no.
No, it's some kind of other stuff.
No, you have an estrogen cream.
There's a cream, where's the testosterone cream?
That's a testosterone.
There's yam cream.
But you know, the testosterone though, talk about needing to shave with your 5 o'clock shadow.
Mine too!
I've shaved twice today!
Your face?
I know, yeah!
It does bring in the beard.
Why don't you guys do electromysis or something?
And it does bring in the mustache.
Okay, I did laser hair removal and I have a lot of white hairs.
Thank God, no.
And it doesn't remove the white hairs, it only removes the black.
And mine are mostly white, like here.
I have like a full... Fu Manchu?
And I'm starting to get it over here now.
Yeah, I shaved there.
I shaved my whole face like a girl.
I do too.
I'll never forget, I saw her in the shower.
And she was like...
I'm flapping her face out shaving.
That's crazy.
No one ever talks about this.
This is good stuff.
I mean, you should see my chops.
Your sideburns?
Yeah, pretty covered in fur, yeah.
She's got like all of those sideburns.
I have to shave that.
Actually, can you not?
Like about every four days, I really do.
Would you be willing to not shave for a month just so I could see?
Well, I have so many shin hairs, you wouldn't believe it.
No, have you ever plucked?
Like if they come in, if you get long enough, I'll spend like an hour just plucking.
Oh, I do that every day.
And I'll just cry my... And I think... These ones, the Soul Patch, they hurt when you pluck them.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got those Japanese razors, those pink ones that's just single edge.
Oh no, I just use a Gillette.
No, I use the single edge Japanese razors because they go, they're good.
Is that like a dermaplane almost?
Yeah.
No, I've plucked these right here, and they bleed.
Oh, honey, I wanted to tell people when I got that face thing when I drove.
Oh, that's great!
And we haven't even gotten to the academy, so we gotta speed it up.
We're doing good.
We got to stop for an ad too.
We got what?
We have to do one more ad.
Okay.
When?
Now?
Do you want to tell the story and then do the ad?
No, let's get the ad over with and then we'll tell the drug stories.
Oh my God, this is going so well.
I love your hair.
Also, there's not very many podcasts where women are talking about shaving their face.
This is a first.
This is for Diet Smoke.
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Remember that I was wanting you to tell, Jake hasn't heard this story, when I got, what was that called, honey, the facial thing that I got done?
The chemical peel?
You talked me into getting Botox, that's how it all started.
And then we went- And fillers.
And then they did like a laser on your face.
You told me, go get that laser.
And so they lasered her entire face.
And they gave her Valium to keep her calm.
And her face swelled up like a pumpkin.
It was spooky.
And we get in the car.
She had just gotten a new Tesla.
This was years ago.
You had that blue one.
Oh yeah.
Here, ready?
Check this out guys.
That one.
Can you see it?
You don't see it?
Yes!
This one?
I was scared when I saw her.
It was really scary.
It was really scary.
And then her face swelled up like a pumpkin and then peeled.
But it looked good afterwards.
But anyway, so they gave her a Valium.
And she had just gotten the new Tesla and she goes, I'm driving bitch.
And I go, no, you're not.
I'm driving.
No, you're not a bitch.
This is my new car.
I'm not, I'm driving.
So she does, she pulls a Huey.
I'm Pico and she's like driving, you know, and it goes from zero to 60 in three seconds.
And she hits this lady in front of us.
And then the lady pulls over and then your mom pulls over and I'm like, Oh no, this isn't going to go very well.
And so I look at the lady's bumper and I'm like, there isn't any damage.
She's going to mess this whole thing up.
Floor it!
And she pulls out and like 60 in 3 seconds and then floors it back home and we were just like laughing our balls off.
Uh oh, I hope that lady doesn't find me.
It was a black Tesla.
Yeah, and you know, there was no damage to it.
Dude, I love your hair!
I've never seen your hair look so cool!
Oh, thank you!
How'd you get so much texture in it?
Oh, I bought this texture.
You did have someone cut it though, right?
Originally.
You just cleaned it up, didn't you?
Well, I cut all hers off.
Oh, okay.
No, you did it, like, to make how you want it.
Yeah.
I want to look how I want to look.
Oh my god, I've never seen your hair look so good!
That's you!
I agree, it's my favorite haircut you've ever had.
That's you!
Really?
That's you!
I feel like it's me.
Yeah.
And the color, I love.
It's like platinum.
Yeah, it's platinum to cover the gray.
I love it.
Yeah, it's really... And then you've got to do like black eyes, you know, like that's, that'll be punk.
If you, this is like all punky and then black.
Remember how, remember when I was at CBGB in New York?
Yes.
It's like that.
Remember that outfit?
That was a cool look.
Leather.
It was all leather.
You, you know what I just got?
Good American.
And she's has, you know, she's all inclusive.
And I got a black shell and black, you know, they're vegan leather, but they're like so soft and like warm.
Love good American.
Yeah.
You have it.
What's vegan leather?
It's like fake leather, but it's really soft.
I had, I was putting on some, uh, vegan leather Bermuda shorts with pockets are so cute.
And, uh, I got up to, they're old and I got up to walk in.
By God, half of them were still sitting on the chair when I got up to walk away.
That shit peels off.
Yeah, it does.
If it's in humidity.
Yeah, it made me mad.
Well, and they're old.
It peels off.
Alright, now tell me about New York when you made my mother do the catering.
We always party down in New York.
We like to party in New York.
Yes, we love New York.
I'm sort of anonymous in New York.
We love New York.
And we were shopping.
Oh, tell about when we went to Bergdorf Goodman.
Okay, one of the times when we went to Bergdorf.
Was that when we did the MDMA?
Yes, in the bathroom, on the toilet.
It's like the Sex and the City reboot.
I put, you know, the silver stainless steel toilet thing, the flat, so I laid out like little sprinkles of it and we would just lick it and then we'd go.
Wait a minute, you made my mother do Drugs off a toilet?
Is that what you're hearing?
No, the toilet paper thing.
Oh, just the toilet paper roll.
Okay.
No, it's the top.
No one touches the top.
Just the toilet paper roll in a public bathroom.
It was just the tip.
So you guys are doing drugs in a bathroom in New York.
And then in Bergdorf Goodman.
And then we shot for like nine solid hours, right?
And walked the streets of New York.
And I remember there was a guy playing like the pail, the plastic pail, and he was bongoing.
And then there was another guy dancing and we were just like, whoa, this is so cool.
And you're like, I love this!
And then we did the K.
The Keter, the Keter.
She calls it Keter mean.
It's Keter mean, right?
Oh, yes.
And so we were staying at the peninsula and then I said, hey, let's do the Ketamine.
And she looked so good.
It was, it was February 14th.
She had a red jumpsuit on, red lips, her black glasses, and we're walking the streets, like aimlessly high as fuck.
And then, can I say the F word?
Okay.
And then she was like, Oh, what are we going to do?
And then there was this guy in one of those pedal biking canopy things.
And he was playing like Rihanna or something.
Yeah, it was Rihanna.
And I was like, let's go on that!
We're like, okay.
So then I go, okay, how much is this?
And he goes, it's like $50.
20 minutes for 20 minutes.
And you're like, I have money.
Don't worry about it.
And so we, he took us through Times Square and all the lights and the, you know, the billboards.
And he was, remember he was swerving us?
Yeah, he was so fun.
He was so fun.
He was like a seven foot black guy from Uganda.
And he was so cool.
And then she goes, stop here.
I want to dance.
Ah, yes.
And then what?
And then we got out and we danced our butts off right there in New York City.
It was so fun.
And then there was an ambulance coming, and she pretended to freak out, which I didn't know she was pretending.
Oh, I was getting way into the drama of New York.
She was like, like, freaking out.
And I was like, oh, no, because I thought you were too high or something.
And I kind of freaked out.
And then you go, I'm acting.
And then you started dancing again.
Do you guys want to watch a video?
Of what?
Of this night?
Oh yeah!
You guys into it?
Uh huh.
Yes.
Alright, give me one second.
Alright, this is the infamous... Ketamine night.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Time Square.
Hey, time is truly wasting.
There's no guarantee.
Showers in the basement.
Showers in the basement.
We're all fighting for the right to be out with the baby.
I am still out.
I'm still out.
Right?
I thought you were great.
You twerked.
Please.
I tried to twerk.
Remember, where was it that I twerked and then they had to wheel me out in the office too?
I thought you were great. You twerked. Please.
I tried to twerk. Remember, where was it that I twerked and then they had to wheel me out in the office too?
Oh, in San Antonio. Right?
Can I tell a story?
Yeah.
Mom did stand-up in San Antonio.
Were you there?
Yes!
You were there that night?
Uh-huh.
She was.
She had the flannel shirt on.
Mom went on stage and started twerking.
Usually she'll ease into it.
Yeah, she went right up.
She was feeling the crowd.
She went right cold.
And she twerked and she got real low and twerked and then couldn't get up.
And people from the audience had to get up and help her up.
But to your credit, you then did like an hour and 40-minute set.
After, right?
That's how I remember it.
And then at the end of the set, you couldn't get off the stage, and they had to put you in an office chair and wait for everyone to leave, and then we had to wheel you out.
We had to wheel you out.
Yeah, I hurt myself.
Hurt myself bad.
Yeah.
But then you got the stem cell.
Was that your back?
No, it was my knees.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
They gave out holding this.
Wait, you have stem cell?
Yeah.
You got stem cell.
Yeah, good for you.
Is it illegal here, or did you have to get it in the black market?
No, they're not that kind of stem cell.
You can take that out if you want.
It's out of your own blood.
Oh, okay.
Because my friend, she had her own blood stem cells put in her shoulder because her shoulder hurts, but she goes, I think I'm going to go to another country because is it out of the baby's umbilical cord or something, the other stem cells?
The good stuff.
Yeah, the good stuff.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't want to do that.
No.
Well, when you have a baby, you can keep the...
I'm kind of over the hill to have a baby.
Well, I might have another baby and you can have the placenta.
Oh, good.
Oh, good.
Yeah, that's cool.
I would do that for you.
You need another grandchild.
I know, it's awesome.
You are spreading the wealth and your legacy.
Eggs.
Your eggs.
My eggs.
Your eggs are cooked.
What else have we done?
Oh, well, let's see.
Other drugs we've done.
Was we did the mushrooms in the forest there.
What was that?
The volcanic forest.
The volcanic forest in Pahoa.
Is that Hawaii?
Hawaii, yeah.
On the big island.
Yeah.
Yes.
I never got to do drugs when I was younger.
Yeah, I was going to say.
So, you know, I do them with Shannon because I want to experience things.
And she feels safe with me.
Yeah.
Because I'm not going to lie.
So I never did the mushrooms, but then I did them with Shannon.
And we went to the volcanic forest and it was Well, it was just beautiful.
It was really cool.
I didn't really feel anything, though.
For one minute, I did.
No.
You felt something.
It just felt trippy.
We didn't do enough.
I didn't want to get too high where shit's dripping, like, you know.
But remember, you were in the store, and... Yeah, I saw the Buddha went 3D.
A poster of the Buddha got all 3D.
Jumped out at you, kind of.
Yeah, that was all.
Then I drove home for four hours.
I don't even know how you drove.
I didn't really feel much.
It was probably like half a block away and it took four hours.
No!
It took four hours to be drove.
I love to drive.
Have you ever done mushrooms?
I did mushrooms once in high school, yeah.
I went camping with my buddy.
We were really safe.
I never told you this story, but it was really funny because I took the mushrooms and then I started hallucinating.
He had really pretty eyes.
He had ice blue eyes and I was feeling good.
And I looked at him and I was like, you have beautiful eyes.
Thinking like we're a couple of bros, you know, hanging out, I can be honest.
He got so scared that I was going to try and have gay sex with him that he ran into the woods and I didn't see him until the next morning.
He hid from me in the woods thinking I was going to try and have sex with him.
That was my mission.
Oh my god.
Isn't that sad?
Poor thing.
I was just being nice to a friend like you have really pretty eyes.
You're so misunderstood.
Whatever.
After that I said I'm never doing dorks again but I loved it.
Then we did Okay, so one of your sons made the butter.
Oh yeah, the pot brownies.
And she made pot brownies.
Oh, they were good, weren't they?
Well, Shannon couldn't handle it.
She only took a little tiny bite of it and Freaked out like a plebe.
I passed out on the ground and he kicked me and said, you can't hang with the big dogs.
When was this?
She kicked me.
Terrible.
And I was making linguine and clams too.
Yeah, I ate that.
That's when I, I just, that's what passed me out.
Like I, that was so good though.
I think it was all the butter and I had to poop or something.
That's what I remember.
Sorry.
I'm so glad you brought that up.
I'm sorry.
But no, I mean, the shopping.
I think it's cool that you're having like a second adolescence because you never did
You had three kids by the time you were like 25 or something.
Four.
So now you're getting to 24.
You had three of us, right?
Or four.
Four.
And then you're like, you got famous.
I never got to enjoy life.
This is your adolescence now.
It kind of is because I was a mom by the time I was five.
Raising my younger sister and helping out like that.
I was the oldest kid.
Had to kind of be the junior mom and I always was ultra responsible.
So I never got a party life at all.
And then you had to work, and you had four kids, and you worked.
So I said, oh, my 60s, I'm going to party, and I did.
I love that.
I want you to talk about that if you could.
I think that's such a cool moment.
Well, just there's a lot of probably older people, older women especially, that listen to the show that have never really done that.
Yeah, once your kids are raised, it's time to raise the roof.
Get the ketamine up.
Get the ketamine up.
Yeah, do all that stuff.
And it's legal here, isn't it?
Yeah.
Oh, with a doctor's note.
Yes.
Yeah, you got to go to a ketamine clinic.
No, I know.
It's proven.
But it does lift your mood for sure.
She said, I feel so good.
It's almost like I feel normal and I can be around people.
Yeah, I lost fear of like humans.
And anxiety.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because I have anxiety around humans.
But Yeah, I think that your 60s and 70s should be all party.
I think we should all party our way out.
Fuck this hospice care and that shit dying comfortably.
Party your fucking way out.
That's why I was glad for your mom.
Your mom went that way.
She partied her way out to the last day.
Dude, she didn't want to go to the hospital.
She knew something was wrong.
She went in.
They gave her morphine.
Ten days later, it was all over.
Like, why do you want to sit and rot in some... Yeah, like, why do you want to find out you're, you know, you're dying?
Like, you know something's wrong.
Okay, go party till you... Like, it's 1999.
Yeah.
Party till you're gone.
Where were you in 1999?
You know, when the, um, New Year's Eve, Y2K, you know, to 2000?
Um, well, wasn't that when I went to Israel the first time?
I don't know.
I wasn't... I was working.
Yeah, I don't know.
I can't remember where I was.
You're kidding!
That's a monumental... I know, and I thought it was a monumental date, too, but I can't remember where I was.
I'll have to look it up.
My friend Marianne, who has cut your hair before.
You know Marianne.
was cutting Adam Sandler's wife's hair and she invited her and her guest, which was me,
to the Bel Air to their party. Was it fun? It was super fun.
Kathy Bates was there, Quentin Tarantino, Charlize Theron, Winona Ryder, Fiona
Apple, David Spade.
It was just like, we were high on ecstasy, sitting in the entryway by the fireplace, watching everyone walk in, and then we went in.
And, you know, they were playing 1999.
It was really cool, you know?
And Quentin Tarantino smelled like VO.
I imagine that's probably how it is.
Who's the weirdest celebrity you've met that blew your mind for weirdness?
Besides mom.
Oh god.
Can you think of any?
Weird in what way?
Like just the most mind-blowing, not what you thought.
God, honey, I'd have to think about it.
I'm drawing a blank right now.
I don't really want to say.
Well, don't say who they were, just say what they did.
Comedians.
Yeah.
Comedians are the weirdest.
Right?
Yes.
Even more than rock stars?
Yeah.
Yeah, comedians are the weirdest.
By far.
They're worse than actors for the most part.
Yeah.
I did meet a girl the other day that She was a nanny for the guy that created MTV, and I don't even know her, and I don't know him.
And she said the most narcissist that she'd ever met, because she was at their Hamptons house nannying, was John Bon Jovi.
Oh, my girlfriend used to go with him.
Right!
Do you remember?
Yes!
And he's gorgeous.
He is gorgeous, yeah.
Well, I guess you have to be a little narcissistic to, you know, end up that big.
Well, rock stars, you want that adoration.
Plus they have that energy they put off.
We've both been with narcissists.
Yeah, more than one.
Do you think you're like an expert on dating narcissists?
Like you can give tips?
I want you guys to give tips, is what I'm getting.
Do you have any tips?
Don't fall for it.
If it seems too good to be true, that's because it is.
Okay, here's the thing that I keep seeing on all those ID channels.
They love you so much.
They tell you how great you are, how beautiful, how much they love you.
Love-bombing.
Love-bombing, in the beginning.
And then they've got you hooked.
And then starts the... Slow burn.
Yeah, the slow, trying to...
Control.
Yeah.
Trying to... No, we know.
You can't, ladies, do not let anyone control you and keep you away from your family and friends and isolate you.
That is control.
It's a telltale sign, right?
What other telltale signs?
The love bombing.
Love bombing is big.
That's the biggest.
What if it's someone who's just romantic, though, at the beginning?
That's where I can't tell the difference.
Yeah, that's a tough one.
My shit's all fucked up.
You gotta tell me why the narcissistic love-bombing is worse than just the usual affection early on in a relationship.
You gotta figure that one out.
One of you.
Yeah, I don't know.
We gotta help people here.
I think if they're complimenting you- It wears off.
When it's narcissist.
It wears off.
When someone really loves you, they tell you all the time.
I've been with him for 13 years.
We always are like, I love you.
I love you.
And it's like it was in the beginning.
It's even more now because it's like we're stronger.
We started out like friends.
And then now it's more like, I love you so much.
I respect you.
I want to be there for you.
They don't have that.
They're all about themselves.
So it turns around from I love you, I love you to love me, love me, show me, care for me.
Right?
I don't know exactly.
I don't know what the difference is between being romantic and like love bombing.
I don't know.
That's a good thing to think about and look into.
I just know that it's all around flattery.
And to know the difference between flattery and genuine loving care.
Maybe if it's true, can you tell?
Meaning, are they just flattering you with things they know you want to hear, or are they actually complimenting something that's true about yourself?
I think they figure out what you want to hear.
Right.
But what if it's not true then, right?
Well, then it won't work.
It has to be true, or it won't work.
You know, flattery has to work.
This haircut makes you look so young.
I think a good telltale sign from a narcissist is if you really start decoding what they're saying, you'll realize it's really, because they're narcissists, everything is about a reflection upon themselves.
Yes.
So the compliment to you is how you make them look better.
You make them feel better.
It's never about you.
You guys, remember the Greek mythology?
Narcissist looking at his own self in the mirror of the water.
Narcissist.
But I get, I always get the ones that, like, they, it's so funny because it's like, it's like, they're always calling me a narcissist because I'm famous.
So, it's like, I think they get attracted to me because I'm famous and then they can project their narcissism onto me and then go, oh, you're such a narcissist because all you care about is, you know, working to bring money in.
Or something.
Because you got famous, you're a narcissist.
Well, they want your stardom.
They want your star.
Yeah, they start thinking that they... Well, I mean, one of the ones I was with.
They start thinking they are you.
And they are the star.
Well, he thought he was me.
And like always mention my name in every conversation to like steer it so that it became about him and not me, my accomplishments.
But it was, you know, it's about gaslighting.
It's like, it's some ugly shit.
There's a lot of videos on YouTube about it.
Yeah, you said you've been kind of studying.
Do you remember anything or?
Specific?
I feel like you could really help a lot of people, that's why I'm asking.
She sent me some, and they... Do you remember any of it?
They say... After... Huh?
I'll look some up, too, while you... Okay.
Well, they're looking for a replacement for their mom.
And they had a bad relationship with her.
So they're looking to correct it with you.
But what they're really looking for is a replay of what they had with mom because they can't really they don't really want to fix it or they're incapable of it so they're just reliving it you know that's a lot of ptsd stuff so it's like their their goal in the long run is to make you reject them so they can feel victimized that that's what they're after so they can go i knew you'd leave but after they
do so many offensive things to you to push you away to where you'll either react out of your own anger and hurt or you know just move away because they drove you to it but they don't ever think it's their fault and they gaslight everything so you and then go how come you're not um you know it's all your your fault so how come you are rejecting me well They use all your shit against you to gaslight you so that you think it's your fault and not them, and they never think it's their fault.
Nothing.
Check this out.
It's so crazy.
The nine signs you're dating a narcissist.
Charming first impression.
Can you read that or is it too small?
No, it's too small.
Well, I'll just tell you guys.
Hogging the conversation.
Oh, yeah.
Feeding off compliments.
This is all stuff you guys were talking about.
Yes.
Lacking empathy.
Yes.
No long-term friends.
Picking on you, gaslighting you, and number nine, coming in at number nine, thinking they're right.
I have most of these, to be honest.
Yeah, I got a lot of these too.
Well, they say that there's a little bit of a narcissist in people who are with narcissists.
Yeah, I mean, I think everybody has narcissistic tendencies at some point in their life.
But it's also gaslighting because it's like... Yeah, you'd see through it if you weren't.
Well, obviously I have narcissistic tendencies because, you know... You're a star!
I made myself into this star, quote-unquote.
You do.
And so I'm always thinking about, you know, my show or my act or something.
You're on stage in your head a lot, which is kind of narcissistic, but that's a tendency.
That's not like a clinical thing.
But then, you know, that's kind of an artist, too, so I don't know where the line is, is how you relate to other people.
Absolutely.
But I think that I do have empathy for people.
You do, definitely.
I do have a feeling for people.
I've seen you cry.
It's often that that's used against you.
It's like, well, how can we have empathy for everyone but me, they say.
Well, cause they're not treating me like shit.
You know, they don't ever get that part.
No, I, you are a tender, very loving, very giving person and you help so many people.
And like, I remember thinking when I started to get to know you, you have this hard outer shell, but underneath you're just like this soft, Loving person who I mean like when I have seen you cry it tears my heart out because you You put up such a tough persona.
What?
She's more of a soft outer shell with a hard No, but I'm just saying that You know, I was really afraid of the character that I didn't know when I first met her.
I was very afraid of her and like ball buster.
And then I got to know her and like, she's a softy underneath it all.
She's like anybody else who has a heart and loves and is kind and caring.
And I think the, You are not a narcissist in the way that others that they lack the empathy and the caring and you know how to treat people.
I think that's true.
You have maternal Yeah.
You have a soul.
Narcissists do not.
They're sociopathic.
Sociopathic, yes.
So you're sick.
You have narcissistic tendencies, but you're sick.
Yes.
Well, anyone who isn't a star.
Well, a lot of people, I mean, I have them.
I'm not famous.
Well, I think everybody has some of it.
It's how you relate to other people.
When it's affecting your relationships, when you're lacking empathy, when you're like a fucking sociopath, then it might be a problem.
But if you like being the center of attention.
And manipulative.
Yeah, really manipulative.
To, you know, manipulate your emotions against you.
And knowing which buttons... You don't really see it though, because you got, yeah, pushing your buttons on purpose.
Knowing which ones to press.
Well, that's why I think it's good for you guys to talk about.
Like I said, your audience is primarily women.
I look at the numbers and like... Oh, really?
Oh, and I'm sure that, you know, men are with Women can be the worst narcissists.
Well, it is a female trait.
Have you guys seen The Golden Bachelor?
Yeah, I did.
What's that?
It's The Bachelor, but there's 70.
He's 71.
Oh, you were telling me about that.
Yeah.
Oh, dude, you've got to watch it.
I'm into it.
Because there's two of the women that are total G MILFs, and that's two more than I expected.
They're like 70.
Two of them are gorgeous.
John goes, why do I want to watch a bunch of old bags?
I go, because they're like my age.
And he's like, oh.
But it's so funny the beginning that he's putting on his suit and his cufflinks and he puts in his hearing aids.
Yeah.
Oh, how cute.
I know.
And then it's so sad.
His wife died.
They were married 43 years and he starts crying.
She had the bacterial thing that went through her whole body.
Anyway, and then like it's seven years later and there's One of them looks like Caitlyn Jenner.
Did you notice that?
Yeah, he needs to vote her off.
She's got to go.
I can't even look at it.
It totally looks like Caitlyn.
It actually looks more like Caitlyn than Caitlyn, if that makes sense.
I don't know how to describe it.
Thank you.
No, it's so fun.
And these chicks are, it's kind of embarrassing as a woman of our age.
They're like throwing themselves out.
They're your age.
In fact, you both would be very, very attractive on the show.
We'd be very hot on that show.
Maybe you could be the Golden Bachelorette.
He keeps telling me to go on some dating show.
Oh, dude, we need to pitch this Golden Bachelorette.
Golden Celebrity Bachelorette.
You need to go on a Bachelorette.
OMG, this is amazing.
Golden Bachelorette in Paradise.
OMG, this is amazing.
Do I have to take my clothes off?
No, it's a tasteful show.
That's what's good about it.
You do have to marry someone at the end.
Okay, if anyone at ABC... Oh no, it's an ABC show.
Okay, no.
It'll be like a Hulu.
Have you guys seen Naked Attraction?
No, what's that?
You know what they had at Skankfest?
They had a naked roast.
I couldn't stay up that late, but they were taking their clothes off and then roasting each other naked.
Each other's bodies.
Is that horrifying?
It was a big fat guy and he was all excited to get up there.
He was slarking you through and he's like, I'm gonna be on Naked Roast and he looked like me, but even fatter.
No, about 50 pounds more.
And he was like, I'm going up tonight.
And mom's like, naked?
And he's like, yeah, you're gonna roast me.
And I was like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy?
That's my biggest nightmare.
That would be the worst.
Oh no.
That would be the worst thing.
I almost wanted to go on there for a minute.
I thought if I have another drink or two, I'm going on there.
Oh, I'm so glad I got you out of there.
Naked Attraction, it's on Max, formerly HBO.
I told Hannah about it.
Yeah.
So it's British and those guys are freaks.
Yeah, they are.
And like, they're all, well, three of them were uncircumcised.
And the one guy had an elephant ears and eyes, and then the trunk was the uncircumcised trunk.
You mean tattoo?
Yeah, so imagine his dick is uncircumcised with the balls hanging down, and then there was big elephant ears tattooed with eyes, so it looked like an elephant.
That's nice.
The show sounds great.
And so they're in boxes, and they show them from here down.
Oh yeah, this show's years... And then she goes... So old, I saw this years ago.
It's on now.
Do they pick?
So they pick, like she eliminates, it's like down, and she's like, ooh, that's too big of a willy.
I didn't like that.
Oh my God.
And then they show their stomach.
And the one guy that she picked had a fake leg with the elephant tattoo.
And then the next girl was bisexual.
They had three girls and three boys.
And the girls in England apparently are all shaved like a little baby.
Gross.
And, you know, they're all uncircumcised.
The women too?
Well, no.
Yeah.
No, it sounds horrifying.
But then... So they're just picking a pair of genitals for their... Then they show their stomach, then they show their face and hear their voice, and then they pick who they want to go out with, and then they meet on a date fully clothed.
So they're nude at first, and then the person picking has to come out nude too.
It's like your dates.
Mine?
Wrong.
No, but I do think you could be the Golden Celebrity Bachelorette.
I think there's something to it.
I think this could be... Or you could go on the Golden Bachelorette, because it's like 35 women compete for one guy.
No, it would be her with, no, it's 20.
Did you notice there's less girls on the older one?
Of course.
Because they can't handle as many.
Not just that.
How many attractive 70-year-old women are there?
There's like 17 on the planet.
What about the chick that Prince wrote Sexy Dancer for?
Yeah, that's what she said.
I don't believe it.
I didn't believe it when she said it.
There was one though that's... There's only one problem with that is that I don't wish to date or meet anyone.
Really?
No.
You've had it.
Did we break a major story on your podcast?
We're kind of talking around it.
I mean... Oh, that I'm single now.
No one knows.
No, ladies.
And it's all amicable and friendly.
We're not... Yeah, it's all friendly.
And we weren't talking about anyone specific earlier.
No.
You've been married a bunch.
No, we weren't.
Actually, Tom Arnold was who you were talking about with that one time.
Yeah, I could tell.
A lot of relationships.
Yeah.
So, congrats on being single.
I say this to everybody.
Whenever I meet someone, they're like, oh, I just got a divorce.
I'm like, congrats, dude.
That's the greatest fucking thing that's ever going to happen to you.
So, if you're out of a relationship... Well, I just got to the point being 70 and soon to be 71.
The rest of my life, I don't know how long I have, but I certainly don't want to be, you know, listening to someone.
You know, I don't want... Listen to the same old, same old... I just want to be on my own to, you know, have what's left of my life just for me.
I know, but here's the thing... You know, and my kids and grandkids when I want to.
Let's just say... But I want to travel and, you know, I mean, I got invited to go to some interesting places and I'm fine to go with other old women.
And I just like to be man-free for once in my life.
You've been with a man pretty much.
I've always been with a partner, a man.
You've been single three years since you were 18, I believe, total.
Yeah.
It's time for me to just be me.
And move on with yourself.
Yeah.
I want to take care of myself and for whatever amount of time I have left on this planet. I want to write.
I want to write. And I just want my free time to be free. I think that's great. Okay. It's not any,
you know, it's not like my marriages were horrible, you know.
But you have five wonderful children.
No, two.
And grandchildren.
And I have lovely grandchildren.
Yes.
I have lovely women friends and, you know, some nice men friends too.
Yeah.
And I'm never wanting for company.
You know, in fact, I do like being alone.
It's really weird.
But I do, especially since I came to Hollywood and started that whole career deal.
I've never had enough alone time.
I've always had to be working or doing something, supporting that work or, you know, some other kind of thing that, you know, dog legs into it, publicity or interviews or whatever.
But this is just, I just want to go to spas and lay somewhere.
Yeah.
You know?
I thought you were going to say lay someone.
No.
I just want to lay on the beach.
And you never know, guess where we're going to be next month?
I mean, we're in Florida.
Check the tour dates.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
I'm really looking forward to that.
You're going to be meeting the man.
I'm meeting the big man.
The T-man?
The big guy.
Oh boy.
The big, big man.
This is exciting.
Not Biden.
No.
No, not the big guy.
The real big man.
The criminal, the big guy.
No, not the big guy.
No.
Trumpster.
Yeah.
Wow, that's exciting.
I'm so excited.
That's why I want you to come tomorrow and help me pack.
Okay.
Because I've got to get my perfect Trump meeting outfit.
Okay.
Okay.
Because I am going to go to Mar-a-Lago.
You need to look...
Like classic, official, commanding respect.
Like, you know, you're not going to dress quirky.
You're going to dress respectful.
There won't be any quirk in this one.
It'll be Oh my God, drop dead.
Look at that.
I have a picture, an actual photo that you can hold, of you at Tavern on the Green with Trump on our talk show.
I took snapshots.
You know, I don't have a copy of the whole... I think I gave it to you.
You better give me another one because I lost it.
That's at home and I'll just take a snapshot of it.
I love that you always have the better photos of my career and life than I do.
And then sometimes you'll think of it.
Oh, here's you with Sammy Davis Jr.
No, no, no.
I have you with Muhammad Ali.
And I don't.
Yeah, what's that about?
Tony Curtis.
And what was the little Jewish guy that died?
Jackie Mason.
Jackie Mason, thank you.
Yeah, you remember that.
No.
I thought you were there.
Remember Tony Curtis?
I told you all that story.
Yeah, we talked about it on this very podcast, your date with Tony Curtis and the driving gloves.
And that's when you admitted that you also had a crush on Donald John Trump, so you might be able to make a move in this Florida.
No, he's a married man.
That doesn't mean shit to Trump.
No, I'm not going to, I won't mess with a married man.
I'll keep Melania busy.
Or a single man, or any kind of man.
But no, I would never be so presumptuous as to think that I had a chance with Donald John Trump, when I look at his gorgeous wife, Melania.
Well, can you imagine, hold on just for a second, if something did happen, and you and Donald Trump became an item, what that would do to this country, and just fucking how great that would be for America.
Like Kelsey and Taylor Swift.
It would be way bigger.
No way, because he has Melania.
She's only the most gorgeous.
Yeah, she's gorgeous.
Elegant.
Yeah, but he gets bored of that.
He's been with pretty women.
Like I said, when we were talking about dating, he's been with beautiful women.
Maybe he wants to try something new.
I asked him on the talk show, have you ever been with a fat woman, remember?
What did he say?
He said no, he never had.
I said, well, hell, you ought to give it a try, bud.
But he wasn't interested.
Okay, hypothetically speaking, if a like a James Brolin type started to like show... There are no James Brolin types.
There's only James Brolin.
And you must behold him, and that's all there is to it.
She's not ready.
Ask her in a year.
Let her enjoy herself.
Say some more.
Say some more that I might be interested in.
He would show interest, but he was very humble.
Boy, does he love Barbara.
You know, that is the perfect thing she's got going for herself there.
He's gorgeous.
This guy is gorgeous.
He's, you know, talented.
He's successful.
He's very bright and he... Was he charming?
Oh yeah.
Did he talk to you at the... Yeah, he came on my show.
I remember that.
And he's funny.
His son is really cute and a good actor.
Yeah, he's cute too.
Good actor.
He adores every word that comes out of her mouth.
I mean, he adores her.
Every fingernail.
Remember, her fingernails are like... Yeah, but he, you know, he's kind of an ideal sort.
I see you with that, like, gray-haired cowboy type.
That's what I want for her.
Like, in Texas Oil Man, we talk about like a Sam Elliott type.
Howdy, Miss Rosie.
I've given up.
I don't think there's any chance.
When you give up is when God gives it.
And if she's not on the pellet, it doesn't matter anyway.
I don't know what they'll expect of me.
And who knows if I can fulfill it.
I probably can't.
I probably can't.
I probably can't, you know, please any man, really.
Because I'm just... You don't know what you're capable of anymore.
No, I can't.
Because I just, you know... I mean, it's a 20-year... We're all being a little... I was thinking about this yesterday.
We're being a little insensitive because everyone keeps asking her this.
I mean, it's a 20-year relationship.
Yeah.
When are you going to plug someone new?
I mean, give her a little... Yeah, no, no, no.
I know.
But when you get on the pellet, eventually...
And it comes roaring back.
I hope it's an oil man.
My sex drive?
I'm terrified that I would receive a sex drive again.
Yeah, it's not fun.
I wish I could get rid of it.
We were having some Latino men putting in a screen in for each other.
And I was like looking at him like...
Really?
Since you got on the testy?
And I told my, I went, you know, last week and I said, I still am like cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
And she said, really?
Well, you didn't have to come back in.
And I said, I don't know.
And she goes, well, you know, just wait if it's, if it starts to wane.
But I'm like, You were always like that.
Really?
Yeah.
I don't know you any other way.
Well, you were always like that, except for those few fun years.
Those few fun years!
No, but I mean, I guess I'm happy for you that you've found your verve and zest for life.
Her calling in life.
But I just don't see myself doing, I just, I don't see myself really ever having sexual relations again in my life.
What if you met a guy that said, I love you, I want you to eat all the cuticle meat off my fingers?
No, I don't want to eat anyone else's cuticle meat but my own.
What if he's like, I get so turned on, I just want to watch you eat the cuticle meat off your fingers and I'll cook you dinner?
And you can watch BitChute.
Eww.
See, now this is how you get her into it.
BitChute.
Hillary Clinton videos.
Oh, my videos.
The storm is coming.
You can watch Q videos.
I want you to watch Q videos and eat your finger and I'll bring you food.
Wait, do you think... Well, now that might do it.
Do you think that Donald is Q still?
He's Q+.
Because you had that theory.
Yeah.
No, I always said he was Q+.
Now, where do you see us in 2024?
Who, me and you or the world?
The world!
Well, me and you will always be hanging out and having fun.
2024, I see... Well, you have to ask me what... The first half or the second half?
Is there a better part of it or... No, we want the good news.
Just give us both.
We need both.
I think it's going to continue to be very chaotic.
And...
This is your protection.
And I think that people really need to pray with other people, particularly people outside of their own particular prayer circle, because obviously to me, I'm going to say this and it's going to make people mad, obviously none of our prayers are working.
Yeah, I was going to say that.
And so I think it's time for something new.
Prayer is not based on hatred and ego.
And prayers with people outside your camp, honest prayers for uniting humanity against a cult of death that has us all marked as prey.
And P-R-E-Y.
And I think that as soon as we can do that, the better it'll be and the happier we'll be.
And if we come to that conclusion soon, it'll be to our favor.
And there'll be less chaos because, you know...
We need to get on top of our chaos inside ourselves, and therefore, when we do that, therefore it won't occur in the world, when people realize that that's what it's really all about.
This body and this mind, this soul, yours, that's the control panel.
People don't really understand that yet.
That's the control panel.
Yeah, and if you fix your own circuitry, Shit won't happen in the world.
Shit you don't like about yourself that you're afraid to look at won't occur in the world.
Wow.
That's deep.
Yeah.
I think that's it.
If we all pray and pray outside of our groups I think we can crush the evil that's trying to rise because the light has to put the dark out.
Well what it really says is it says that darkness needs to see the light.
Darkness needs to perceive that there is light because that's the mind-blower.
Darkness doesn't know that light exists, but as soon as it is made aware of that fact everything will change.
That's what I loved about Kabbalah is It was all about light and dark, there was no good and evil, God and devil, and it was light and dark.
Yeah, but it's also about that being a duality that we've had in our human brains and consciousness for thousands and thousands of years, whereas now we step into the third thing, not a duality, but the third thing.
The third thing destroys duality.
And duality is, you know, the division of the mind and the consciousness.
So the third thing is new, and it's… Non-binary?
It's non-binary.
I hate that word because the way they use it, they don't even get it.
But it is the word And of course they're trying real hard to beat it down and co-opt it and make it sexual, but it isn't sexual.
It's being out of the matrix of the duality because that is the darkness.
It's a flow.
Because everyone has dark and light.
Yeah, but when dark beholds light, that changes everything because it's like, huh?
There's light.
Here's the darkness.
It's just empty, bleak, nothing.
And then it sees something.
It goes, hey, there's something.
And that changes everything.
Wow.
That's really cool.
It is cool.
This is a cool time.
It's a real fucking… If you have raised awareness, right?
It's fucking punk rock to the max from a God level.
He's like, God's like, nah, nope, your shit ain't working, time for a new thing.
And he's showing us and giving us all the apparati that we need to get there.
But, you know, we're stuck in the gravity of negativity and we can't see it.
We'd rather cling to death.
Yeah.
Why?
Because we really, really want to pretend that we're finite beings.
We want to pretend because that's the duality, you live and you die.
Well, what if you don't?
You've lived other lives.
I like when we go out, people always go, is this your daughter?
That pisses me off.
Stop.
No, but I feel... They do, though.
They always say that.
Or, is that your sister?
That's better.
Shannon goes, those people thought I was Jewish.
And I go, trust me.
That's not a good sign.
Say what I said.
That's not a compliment.
Okay.
You want to wrap it up?
Yeah.
I love you so much.
I love you so much.
And I'm so happy to see you.
I'm always happy to see you.
And we have to go eat pizza.
Yay.
Thank you for being my guest.
I want you to come back And, you know, demonstrate your makeup techniques because you are a great makeup and hair artist.
You really are.
I mean, you're a pro and you're very successful.
And I think that, you know, women can learn a lot from what you can teach.
We did one already.
Yep.
And I've been doing a lot of them on older gals who either need to take it back down, soften it up, or add a little more.
But don't do too much, don't do too little, just a little bit, you know?
Yeah.
We'll figure it out.
Yeah.
Okay?
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
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