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June 29, 2023 - The Roseanne Barr Podcast
01:00:37
Roseanne Barr interviews Michael Malice and responds to Holocaust denial accusations.
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Time Text
Hi, it's Rosanne.
I'm in trouble again with the Satanists.
But anyways, here was the joke that I said.
Yes, Biden definitely got 81 million votes by winning 36 counties.
It's true, absolutely.
And they were right to censor us so that we couldn't question it.
And if we did question that, then we would be kicked off of all social media and ruined for life.
Of course, they were right to do that.
It was absolutely true that you can get 81 million jokes by winning 36 counties.
And no Jews died in the Holocaust either.
It's a great joke.
I love the joke.
It's a good joke.
I've been getting laughs off it.
So instead, they actually believe that I was telling the truth about Biden getting 81 million jokes.
So they cut that out.
Right.
Or did they cut it out because they knew the context would show that it's obvious bullshit that Joe Biden got 81 million votes?
I think they actually believe he got 81 million votes because they believe there's 81 million people living in 36 counties.
Well, they believe that you are a Holocaust denier.
These are the stupidest fucking people that we've ever dealt with as a country or as a people.
Every time that they've cancelled you, because you've been cancelled so many times in your life, you've been cancelled by the right, the left, by Nazis, by Jews now, and I just gotta say, you've never really been able to explain yourself, because what they do is they...
Well, there's no freedom of speech in America, and there hasn't been for a very, very long time.
Well, that's true, but what they do to you specifically, for some reason you just piss these people off, they always take a joke.
You're a comedian.
You never really get in trouble for anything you say in a speech or an interview.
It's when you tell a joke, and they always take the joke out of context, and then they paint you however they want, and then they never let you explain your joke.
And that's what they've been doing to you, and they cancelled.
So, I'm really excited.
You know, it's what they did to Lenny Bruce too, and I always have Lenny in my mind.
They do to all people.
Well, there aren't a lot of comics that are layered like that or actual intellectuals.
So they can't do it.
I mean, let's be real, most of the shit is just fart and dick jokes.
But, you know, occasionally you get an intellectual comic and, you know, I mean, they do try to fuck with them.
But when I'm looking at Lenny, you know, they canceled and arrested and ruined his life because he's talking about the Catholic Church.
He said Jesus comes back and The Cardinal goes to the Pope and goes, oh my God, he's here.
And the Pope goes, who?
He goes, him!
He goes, oh my God, hide the rings.
Exactly, hide the jewelry.
Yeah.
Well, I just want to say.
And they killed him for it.
Of course.
You now have a podcast so you can actually speak your mind.
That must be exciting for the first time, right?
Yeah, they'll probably Fuck me out of that, too.
No, we control the podcast.
You cannot be canceled on this podcast.
You're safe.
Okay, well I'm really pissed that they removed the premise.
How fucking dirty is that?
That'd be like going, uh, Henny Youngman said, take my wife, please.
The guy's trying to traffic his wife!
Fucking dumb shits!
So I have to say, the people who are coming after me And saying that I denied the Holocaust when everybody who knows anything about me, which I guess is a lot of people because a lot of people are defending me, I was raised in an apartment building with Holocaust survivors.
So, of course, I don't believe that the Holocaust never happened, and I actually am a religious Jew, so why don't you go fuck yourself?
We are under such heavy satanic mind control in this country, and I'm always trying to break through to go get a little God in there.
That's what it is.
I just figured it out.
That's why they fucking hate you.
Because you're like, well talk about it.
Don't let them fucking get you.
You shouldn't even be mad.
You should be ashamed and embarrassed for them.
That they're so fucking easily manipulated and led.
They're this fucking vilely stupid.
Everything they do is stupid.
Everything they say is stupid.
Like, you know, everything they brought against Trump, they lose, lose, lose.
They're just hysterics.
They're just hysterical satanists and they lose.
God wins.
See ya, fuckers!
That's great.
All right.
And then one last thing.
Hold on.
Can't leave yet.
We have to sell the gold now.
No, I wish.
We do have to sell gold.
I've been doing that without you.
I hope that's OK.
I know you won't do it.
That's why you have a Jewish son to sell gold, right?
We should intro that word.
This was we have a podcast ready to go.
We interviewed Michael Malice, who we love.
He came and did a slideshow.
He accused you of all sorts of things that you're talking about.
So make sure to stay and listen to that.
But with all this shit breaking around today about the Nazi Holocaust denial bullshit.
I want to see this last thing I did.
I want to see everything I did.
We will.
But with all of that breaking, we felt like we should come and address it.
So this is my mother addressing it.
But after this, we're going to go into the podcast episode we did with Michael Malice.
Are you talking about this or you want me to say all that shit?
I was going to do it for you.
I just did it.
But do you want to do it?
No, I like it that you did it and I'll have to do it so I can go smoke.
Do you understand my role on this show?
No, I don't.
I do all of the work so you can just blabber and get us in trouble.
I sell the gold.
I set you up.
You know Cleopatra sent all her gold away from Rome to Jerusalem with the Jews.
Well, we'll put that in the next app, but I'm just saying, do you know that I'm here to keep you, to host for you, right?
Do you know how much I love you?
I mean, co-host.
I love you.
Do you know how much I love you?
Because you save me every day.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Well, I love you.
I love you, too.
And I'm here to help, so maybe, you know, let me fucking talk once in a while?
Well, help me go get a cigarette.
Alright.
Thank you, bye.
Okay, well first, tell me... You can't scream into the mic like this.
You either have to keep... If you're going to be loud, back your head up.
If you're going to do your monotone, then get your monotone here, right?
And then if you're going to be loud, come back.
Do you need me to move the mic?
Well, I've been editing your fucking audio, so I'm gonna kill you.
Whatever!
Here's how I'm gonna talk.
Turn it down, motherfucker!
I will, but then you're gonna go, and then I was a Jew for 40 years.
No, I'm not.
He weighed 914.
I had to push for three hours to get his fat ass out in the world.
And now he's acting like... Like he knows more than me.
Well, apparently I do because I know not to scream into the mic.
How do you think she got famous?
You're doing great, Ma.
You're wonderful.
You're the best.
OK.
Whenever you're ready, you want to start looking at the camera and introduce Michael?
What camera?
Oh, the one that blinds me.
OK, thanks.
Let me know.
And we are rolling.
Hi, everybody.
Well, welcome to my podcast.
Anyway, I'm so excited to have my guest, Michael Malice.
Bye guys.
Hi, Michael.
Okay, boomer.
What have you got to say for yourself, bitch?
Listen, I never thought I was going to have Roseanne Barnes as my opening act.
So I have nothing to follow.
I cannot follow that routine.
I'm sorry.
Well, you said you brought a slideshow.
But I want to thank you for, like, getting me, honey.
It means so much to me that you get what I do.
Sometimes I feel so lonely.
depressed and betrayed that people they're not getting that it's comedy you know it's lonely sometimes so I really appreciate well let me ask you this being my fan you know how sometimes I have the smartest fucking greatest fans though I really do because they sound smart because you know what I'm talking you're just that's right so they sound smart that's true especially when they go you're right Do you think that being guarded, you know how sometimes you'll have an idea as a kid and then when you get older like it's time to discard that idea and revisit it, you know, because you're not that same person?
Do you think maybe the level of fame you had at your peak is something you can't really get today unless you're president, right?
Because media has gotten so Disparate and broken up you were there where there's like five networks like to be number one It's like something people who can't wrap their heads around today No, you think you kind of had had to build barriers then that you still haven't kind of chipped away What do you mean by barrier?
Like you have to have all these like you have to keep arm's length from people Everyone's a piece of you.
Everyone's up in your business, you know, everyone wants to you know, talk about how they're close to you You know you're a commodity Well, you are the cash cow, that's for sure.
When you see yourself totally objectified into, you know, a cash machine, it's horrifying.
And all the people around you are like, cha-ching, cha-ching.
I'll tell her whatever she wants to hear.
Cha-ching, you know, she's killing herself.
Cha-ching, I want to give her more, give her more.
It keeps her quiet.
Cha-ching, cha-ching.
It's pretty horrifying, but you know, God pulled me through it, but it's, it's lonely.
I think most people like that, get that kind of fame where they're one namers, you know, they die.
They really do.
They die a real isolated, painful.
I don't think, I think, listen, it's hard for any of us to have self-awareness.
I think it might be hard for you to appreciate how, even to this day, how beloved you are.
You know, that was always hard for me, I have to say.
It's always been hard for me because I came up as a comic and that's a fuck you, you know?
That's like being raised to go, yeah, well, fuck that!
You know, that's being a comic and I always held tight to that and I didn't... I wasn't able to feel love.
That's what it was.
I wasn't able to accept or receive it.
I had a lot of barriers up.
I think I kind of learned to begin to feel it and it was okay getting fired.
It was the best thing for me in my life because I received kindness and love and I wanted to accept it.
I didn't want to go, oh yeah, well.
I wanted to accept it, and I did.
It was great.
But also, just when I see you at the Comedy Joe's Club, the Comedy Mothership, and the way the audience reacts, it's like you'll make a joke, but they're losing their minds.
Not because the joke is the most amazing thing they've heard, but it's like, holy crap, I'm in the room with Roseanne.
Roseanne is making me laugh.
When you, like, having grown up with you, when, you know, there's like, I'm sure like when you were 13, 14, that band you liked, right?
If you found them as an adult, it's not going to have the same effect, but if when you grow up with the band, they're always going to have a kind of place in your heart.
Yeah, because you're in your room with the hairbrush, singing with them, yeah.
It's part of your fantasy.
Yeah, so like, Rosie, you were like, like you said yourself, you were like America's mom.
Like, you were, so people, you made people, including myself, a lot of people laugh for a long time.
And then you stopped.
You know, every comic does that.
What do you mean?
Every comic stops for a while, and they get real serious.
Sure.
Like, I'm thinking of the ones I loved, like Dick Gregory, and especially him, and Even Richard Pryor.
I loved Bill Cosby and I feel he's a tortured soul.
He got real serious for a while in his art.
I remember he did a show on whatever that fucking lib shit is.
PBS?
Yeah.
It was very good.
That's when they used to have respect for artists, way back when in the day, you know.
But, uh, yeah.
Okay, good talk.
I go on forever.
I'm so boring.
You're not boring!
I'm sorry.
If you're boring, people wouldn't want to listen to you.
Well, I can go on.
I mean, when you're old, you can just drone on like a fucking psychotic old whore for days.
And that is one of the bad things about being famous, because people keep letting me do it.
You know, I think they should go, hey, you know, we've heard it.
They'll never tell you that.
Hey, we've heard it.
Okay, Roseanne.
We've heard it.
I mean, your grandkids will.
But, you know, and your kids, of course.
They can't wait to tell you you're fucked up.
Your kids are like, Mother, have you been drinking?
You know, they can't wait.
Did you smoke pot?
Because every time you smoke pot, you're like all unfocused and stuff.
So is it that they tell you you took the wrong crazy pills?
You took the pills that make you crazy, not the pills that don't make you crazy?
Well, they used to say, did you take your meds?
But now they...
They know I always take my meds.
I used to forget my meds or not want to take them or rebel and go I don't need any dang meds because that's part of the whole mental health thing is like I'm not taking these meds just to please the people I'm abusing.
But then I got a little self-reflection.
Wait, so let me ask this.
When you were a kid, you were in a coma for a few days because you got hit by a car?
When I was 16.
What's that?
For a couple weeks.
Can you explain to people what that feels like to be in a coma?
How do you know what it's like to be in a coma?
You're in a fucking coma.
Fuck an idiot.
Because when you wake up, you might have had dreams.
You might have some concept of a passage of time.
Yeah.
I woke up a different person, my mom says.
She also said, I wish you would have died in that accident.
Wow.
She said that.
She goes, you're horrible.
Because I did come back a totally different person.
What does that mean, a totally different person?
I've always wanted to ask you this, because I've heard this before.
What does that mean?
Like, were you not nice anymore?
I wasn't the old Roseanne.
Well, now you're the old Roseanne.
I talked to Sharon Stone about it, and she says that she had a stroke and that she believes a walk-in came into her body.
Like a walk-in spirit?
Uh-huh.
She said, well, that's probably what happened to you.
I said, no.
I don't believe it was a walk-in, because I know what happened.
It was like, I was just over the bullshit.
I almost died.
In fact, I think I did die because a hood ornament went, like, three inches into my brain.
Do you still have, like, a scar there?
Yeah, I have a scar.
I had a skull and a brain concussion.
And, you know, like a lot of these football players, they get that head injury, and I always follow that and read about it because it does change your personality.
And I was, like, started listening to the songs of the 60s.
Fantasizing that I was a hippie.
Okay.
Pretty straight, like, before I got hit by the car, I was like, I'm, me and my best friend Sherry are gonna make twin dresses in Holmec.
In fact, we were wearing the twin dresses that we hand-sewed in Holmec when I got hit by the car, and Sherry saw the car coming and ran.
She didn't go, hey, watch out!
Or anything.
And it was like, slam!
And I woke up, I was just a hippie.
Remember when you told me when you were a hippie?
I want to ask you about that because it's my favorite.
You said you used to go down to the street corner with an acoustic guitar.
Oh god, no.
Are you serious?
With that voice?
Yeah.
No, the voice isn't even the worst part.
She didn't know how to play guitar, Michael.
Of course.
That's a shocker.
So she would go on the street corner and she would strum a guitar and sing like Bob Dylan.
No chords.
Can you give us a few bars of that?
Oh, you're killing Roseanne Barr.
Barr Dylan.
It's all a drum!
Oh my god, are you okay?
No.
Didn't you go strum the guitar without playing the chords?
Can you tell us about that?
Yeah.
Do you need a minute?
It's like Neil Hamburger.
Sorry.
You want a sip of my water?
Yeah, thanks.
Of course.
What kind of songs would you sing?
Well, I sang the Bob Dylan.
I thought, you know, I have to admit I was the worst because I didn't even know how to play or nothing.
I thought I was bad, but then I went to camp and there was this camp counselor and I swear to God, when I heard her sing that song, it was so hilarious that It ruined the song for me, but here's what she did.
She had her fingers, and she goes like this.
She's watching her fingers on the guitar.
How many roads change?
Must a man walk down?
Change!
That's hilarious.
But yeah, I did that, and I had a big ol' hippie dress that I sewed myself out of Sears blue sheets.
And then I strung some fake flowers on a string and then I went to the bead store and I made something like 60 strands of love beads that I sewed and tied knots around my neck. I could never remove them to
take a shower or anything.
And then I walked barefoot in that dress with my guitar all over the place.
What was up with that dress you wore on Carson the first time? That big pink dress.
Oh my god, my friend Lanny. No, the first time I was on Carson I wore a black jacket with a carnation.
But the Okay, you know which one dress I'm talking about, this big pink dress.
Yeah, that was the house dress.
Yeah, why?
What was up with that?
Well, I couldn't find nothing to fit me in California, by God.
There were a bunch of fucking fascists, even back then, and they had a law that you couldn't go above the size 12 or a bunch of people would die or something.
I couldn't find anything to wear.
You're one of the very few people I can ask this.
You, Joe, and Alex.
Can you do a Roseanne Barr impression?
Yeah.
Let's hear it.
Well, which one?
There's a lot of them.
Like Roseanne, Roseanne, Roseanne Conner.
Roseanne Conner.
Oh yeah, let's see.
Yeah, like I told you, you were supposed to do it, didn't I?
That's Rosanne Cotter.
That's the worst Roseanne Conner of everything.
Yeah, she's supposed to be fat!
Everyone always is like, no matter who I talk to, they're like, yeah, I saw your mom.
And no one has ever been like, she said this.
They always go, yeah, I saw your mom on TV.
She was all, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh.
Every fucking time.
Every time.
Everybody does it.
It's so funny.
Is that Roseanne talking or is someone sharpening a pencil?
That's a good one.
I never heard any of those jokes.
There must be some out there.
What, about your voice?
Yeah.
I mean, I have a distinctive voice, but not as much as you.
You have such a distinctive voice.
Did people make fun of you growing up?
No, nobody ever said nothing about it until I went on TV.
Not ever.
Are you serious?
Yeah, not ever.
What were some of the other weird comments you got when you became known?
She's too fat to be a star.
Okay, yeah, sure.
Those kind of things.
That's mostly the comments.
Well don't they know stars are massive?
Har har.
I'm downgrading you as a fan now.
Let's see.
Downgrade.
Um...
Well, I can tell you what I read in magazines that shocked me.
Sure.
Like, there was a big article in Esquire about me, how I'm not funny.
Oh.
You know, they all took off after me.
Like, Bill Cosby at the time, way back in the day, He told me, he goes, God, they're going after you like you've been in show business for 50 years.
I go, I know.
It's because I'm, you know, I'm a girl.
So I expect that I'm a fat girl.
I'm a smart girl.
Like when I grew up.
You know, I wasn't going to get no dates, and my mom and dad made that clear to me, that I wasn't going to get no dates.
One, that I had no ass or waist, so that for sure you're not going to get no dates.
Well, you had a waist, it just was... It was like a hula hoop.
Yeah, a hula hoop.
No, I had no waist, no ass, and I was built like my dad.
A barrel.
With skinny legs.
My grandma was built like that too.
I forget what I'm even talking about with your useless interruptions.
What was I even talking about?
We were talking about criticism you got when you read magazines.
You were going to tell us something once you read.
Like Bill Cosby was saying.
Oh yeah, well he said they're going after you like you're a veteran in my first year on television.
Um, you know, they don't, oh, when I was growing up, my mom said, you're not gonna get no dates because, you know, you got a big mouth and, you know, you're rude.
You know, all that stuff.
I was rude because I was funny.
So you weren't allowed to be rude, or funny, or intelligent, or fat, or a girl, or a Jewish girl.
So that's five strikes I had against me right there, you know?
Well, it protected you against Cosby, probably, honestly.
Yeah, I keep giving her pills and she's still awake.
No, I never did meet him, that's why.
We just talked on the phone.
Oh, God, you're lucky.
He wouldn't have wanted to fuck me.
Nobody ever wanted to fuck me in Hollywood.
That's why I didn't ever go to any of these Babylonian, child-eating cult parties they have there.
That's not true.
You did go to a sex party.
You told me in the Lioness.
That was in San Francisco!
Oh, can you tell our viewers?
Oh no!
Yeah, that's the worst fucking nightmare thing that ever happened.
Let me zoom in on Michael's face.
Now I want to see the slideshow.
I'll tell that one later.
You don't want to?
I can cut it out if you don't want to.
It's so long!
It's the podcast.
This isn't TikTok.
Yeah, we have an hour to kill.
It's not like I have anything interesting to say.
Well, this girl that was on my show, she's like, oh, they're having a big ol' gay Halloween sex party up there in San Francisco.
We should go.
And this was way back when, when I was like, you know, I never did nothing in my life.
So I was like, yeah, I want to do all these.
I want to see all this worldly stuff, because I come from a really religious Crazy religious orthodox.
I'm like, yeah, I might as well see what it's like the other half lives.
It was really hot and they had this big ol' sex party in like this big ol' Costco-type place.
Huge!
A huge, like, empty concrete building.
So me, being an idiot, I was gonna go in disguise so I didn't want everybody to go, hey, there's Roseanne Conner!
You know?
To the sex party.
Were you disguised as John Goodman?
No.
Even worse.
What was your disguise?
I wore a big ol' pea coat, big ol' jeans.
I don't know how I got this, but it was a big ol' lion head.
No.
No.
Stop.
I can't remember how I got it.
Stop.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
And it was about 900 degrees in there.
The minute I walked in and put it on, I just started sweating like a bitch, and I was like, I thought I was gonna faint and die.
It was 900 degrees in there, like when they lock kids in cars and they die.
Yeah, yeah.
That kind of feeling.
Oh my god, I was like, why did I wear a pea coat and a lion head?
It was so hot, I really thought I was gonna die.
While we went in, And the minute I stepped in the place I thought I was going to die because it got so hot really fast.
And it was packed!
You couldn't even take a step in either direction for people being everywhere.
And were people having sex?
Well, first I didn't see nothing.
I was just like, can I turn around and go back out because I'm going to faint.
Well, you can't see anything out of that line anyway.
Well, it had two eye holes I could see.
It's like the Mike Myers from the Halloween movies.
So, anyway, were people having sex?
Well, then I was like, where's the exit?
And they go, oh, it's down there.
And I turn around to look, it's like 900 miles down there.
I'm like, I'm gonna have to walk through this sea of folk to get the fuck out of here.
They won't let me out through the entrance.
You ever wear this thing on your arm?
Okay, so I'm like, whatever I have to do to get out of here.
And I was like, just, my friend goes, just take off the mask.
I go, are you shitting me?
Well, I didn't say that yet.
So the first thing I see, we walk through the door, and it's a guy, and he's leaning up against the doorway like there.
He's all naked with a great big ol' erection.
Taking himself in hand, if you know what I mean.
And with a big ol' smile, like, how you folks doing?
I mean, I was kind of in shock, because I never seen nothing like that, you know?
Right.
Except for my nightmares.
Right.
The principal of my school, you know?
Wait, you want to speak about nightmares?
How about you're having sex with some chick and Roseanne Conner shows up wearing a lion head and a peacoat?
My gosh.
Well, they didn't know it was Roseanne Conner.
It's like, hey guys, what's going on?
It's just like, I'm never having an erection again.
That could have been.
I should have done that to punish them.
Yes.
I should have done that.
Good lord.
Anyway, then Every Few Steps was another horrific scene that manipulated all my PSTDs and everything.
And USDDs.
And DDBs.
And IUDs.
Everything with a D in it.
It was just all activated and I was sweating to death.
I just saw people putting things where they don't belong.
That was my...
bending over and they're in certain things in their certain areas but these are the women okay yeah and then you get a little farther and then there are some men doing some it was all like that this is a Sodom and Gomorrah here this is like Sodom and Gomorrah meets Narnia because there's a lion for some reason It was weird!
I never went to.
After that, I kind of went.
I don't think I'm going to go out much.
Do you think that's what protected you in Hollywood?
Because we hear all these stories about the Hollywood sex parties, and you're not ever brought up.
You're only brought up with the tweet when they say you're as bad as Harvey Weinstein.
But with the actual Hollywood sex parties, you're never a part of that culture.
Nobody wanted to fuck me, and they didn't invite me, of course.
Well, I mean, if they would invite me, maybe I would have went, but except for I don't ever like having sex anyway.
Just having somebody sweat all over you and shit.
After being married to Tom Arnold, that kind of ruined that.
Having somebody sweating on you.
Jesus.
Coke sweat's the worst.
Ew!
Ugh, coke sweat.
Well, anyway, so what was the next question, Michael?
Since we're on the Michael Malice podcast.
Look at that face.
She's stuck.
She's picturing Tom Arnold right now, aren't you?
Don't do it.
Don't do it, Mom.
Think of something else.
You like Paul Newman.
Think of Paul Newman.
Young Paul Newman.
Who was your childhood crush?
Paul Newman.
Was it Paul Newman?
Oh, yeah.
Paul Newman.
Have you ever met him?
She's back.
No, I never did meet him.
You know, I'd have to say no, I never did.
But I did meet Gregory Peck, who I also had a girlhood crush on, that Gregory Peck.
And Sidney Poitier, I did meet him.
My God, did I love Sidney Poitier!
Was he nice in person?
Oh my god, what a doll.
Living doll.
Didn't we go on a date with Tony Curtis, too, at one point?
I can't remember.
We don't discuss that.
That Jamie Lee'll have me off.
I'll cut it.
Oh, wow.
That never happened.
No, don't cut it.
I'd have to say.
Let's talk about it, then.
I did.
Well, I want him to show the slideshow!
I fell in love with Tony Curtis.
And he loved me.
And now let's just go on.
Wait a minute, was this on an actual date you fell in love?
Because I remember, weren't you married to Tom when you went out with him?
And Tom was all mad?
Something like that.
Go on.
Don't hand wave it.
We want to hear the goo.
Give us the goo.
I'm trying to make this a top podcast right now.
Come on, Rosanna.
I'll tell that later, but I'll tell you one week.
This isn't commercial break.
We'll be back after this season finale cliffhanger.
Oh, I love that Tony Curtis.
Talk about it.
A nice Jewish boy, that Tony Curtis.
How did that date set happen?
I know he picked her up and he had driving gloves.
That's all I'm going to say.
Talk about the driving gloves, because that's when she got really excited.
He had driving glasses.
I'd never seen nothing like that!
And a real nice sports car.
What kind of animal head was he wearing?
Get off that!
It's not even funny!
Why are we laughing?
I'm laughing at you out of pity for your dumb joke.
Where's your slideshow?
We'll get to it when we get to it.
It's called Building Suspense, Roseanne Barr.
Oh, I want to see it.
But I want it now.
What are you, Veruca Salt?
You used to look like Violet Beauregard.
Now you're Veruca Salt.
I'm who?
Violet Beauregard.
She's the girl who ate the gum and became a blueberry.
Who's he talking about?
I don't even know what this is.
From Willy Wonka.
The fat girl.
You never saw the movie about chocolate and candy?
I didn't!
I've never seen any movies.
I never go to movies because I always fall asleep within 10 minutes.
But this was from the 70s.
I always would fall asleep so I don't want to waste the money.
Are we going to see the slideshow?
Now I kind of don't want to even show it to her, just to spite her.
Yeah, she'll do that to you.
We do have to play the slideshow, I think.
He's told me it was hilarious.
I think it's, well I've never seen it.
I don't know that it's hilarious.
I think it's just true.
Well, I want to see it.
Okay, so start with the second slide.
Okay.
So, well the second slide.
Because the first one's just a cover, placeholder.
Well, I gotta start it, so you gotta give me a second.
Sure.
They won't let me smoke in my own fucking house.
Well, kick them outside.
This is your house.
This is Roseanne money.
See?
No, I agree.
But we can't get the baby.
Although she comes out and smokes with me all day long.
Gotta start them young.
I said, you gotta go over there when Granny smokes.
You can't come and sit right next to me on account of secondhand smoke, you see.
Go over there.
You must love being a grandma.
There's nothing better on this earth.
It's so fun.
Cause, you know, they're excited about little things.
And I like little things.
Like Michael.
Yeah, you're a small man.
What has done to the children?
Only emotionally.
You're a small man.
That must be weird for you.
Is it?
You want to do this, Roseanne Barr?
Yeah, let's do it.
I've been waiting for this the whole time.
Well, you've been in my house all night.
Yeah, go after Michael.
It's time to go after Michael.
What's it like to be a small man?
It's still better than being a big woman.
You think?
Oh, I know.
You do?
Yeah, I do.
I don't gotta put on a lion head to go to a sex party.
Because if I'm there, people's boners will go away.
Well, you probably would just go right into the sex party.
With your porno pants.
That's the point of a sex party is to have sex.
It's not there to eat your hair.
Well, sometimes you're there to look.
Not really.
I thought that's very discouraged.
Yeah.
You would be discouraged when you see some lady bending over and shoving something up her hoosie.
You'd be real discouraged with the state of feminism, as was I. I love your words there, hoosie.
That's the boomer talk.
Sometimes the mask drops and you're like, oh yeah, she's 70.
Yeah, you forget.
What's this here?
It's pretty incredible.
Okay, Michael.
So, I've been... Okay, so since we've become friends, I've been spending... Look, her picture's somewhere.
That's where all her attention goes.
She doesn't hear a word I'm saying.
I know, I just love myself.
Well, it's the whole slideshow around you, I guess.
So, I had the idea that the only way I would be able to get a word in edgewise with you was to make a slideshow about your favorite subject.
Me?
You!
So, Jake... Boy, did I hit the nail on that head.
So, go to the next slide.
Okay.
So... Oh my god, look at that!
So I tried to figure out how it is that you look better at age 70 than you did at age 30.
Isn't that weird?
It is weird, right?
And I'm like something about... Why'd you put Rosie O'Donnell in there?
That's you.
Oh, is that Rosie?
She has her good days.
She has her grandma.
Everyone always confuses me and Rosie O'Donnell.
She says that they confuse her for me too.
You know who else?
Upton Sinclair and Sinclair Lewis used to get each other's letters and they'd send them back to authors.
Yeah, Mom used to do Rosie's autographs and Rosie would do hers.
Yeah, we'd sign for each other.
Are you still friends with her?
Yeah.
Even after the whole Trump stuff?
You know, you can't agree with Everybody on everything.
No, but I think a lot of these... I think she got really vicious and dumb with it.
She went too far, but you know, I've gone too far on some things.
I have always defended her.
I love her.
In this context.
I love her.
If your bully became president, you'd lose your mind too.
Like, think of whoever bullied you, and now that they're president, it's like a break with reality.
Absolutely.
I always said, she's the only one that should have Trump derangements.
Yes.
She's the only one I accepted.
Yeah, I get it.
Like, the person who bullied you is now in the White House.
Well, I thought they were both bullying each other.
Sure, but she's not president.
Right.
Yeah, that's true.
I would like to get her on here.
We'll talk about it.
But I just want, you know, I love her, and We've talked and we know each other's on different sides.
And you're still in communication?
Yeah.
That's wonderful!
That's wonderful!
We know each other's on a different side of things.
But we're Americans, that's what it's supposed to be about, you know?
It's like, hey, we won't go there when we talk.
Let's talk about poppies.
So let's go on with this live show.
Hold on, Jake.
But you are right, I do look way better now.
That's clearly the case.
So I'm like, okay, what is her secret?
So then I watched you on Alex Jones' show earlier this year and here's what you had to say.
What is done to the children of this world by those people who enslave and murder them every day by the thousands and in vampiric satanic acts actually extract and drink their blood as they all like talk about right in front of our faces but we don't hear it because we think it's a fantasy but it's not a fantasy that's right so what i realized is don't go on yet is you hollywood big shots
But boy, did I look old in that.
No, I thought you looked very dignified.
That hat was very classy.
I was just looking at my chin hair.
My chin was... All I saw was that hat.
Which chin were you looking at?
These two things.
They were really visible.
You've never looked better.
That's what this whole slideshow is really about.
So then, I'm like, what is her secret?
By your own words, these Hollywood big shots are engaging in their evil explicitly.
So then I found this passage from your book, Rose Anarchy, where you said, you want to read that out for us?
I can't see it.
When I was 12, I summoned Satan and signed my name in blood.
I Had learned how to do this from the Mormon contingent in my hometown.
These people keep records on everything and the satantic worship sections of their libraries are some of the best.
I had done my homework and decided it was time to make my move.
I would love to explain just how I conjured up Satan and what the books I got from the Mormons taught me, but for obvious reasons I will not publish them here so that other lost and lonely souls don't repeat my mistakes.
Obviously, it's easy enough to enter into a binding, satanic contract, as every lawyer, politician, and Hollywood star can attest.
Backstage at the Oscars is a veritable bloodletting of virgins and goatfucking.
I am the first celebrity to admit it, and I believe it is time that all of you knew our dirty little secret.
So, then, I saw another interview you did earlier this year where you said...
that you were fired from the Roseanne revival as a witch burning now a lot of times people say witch burning to say that there's nothing there that they're persecuting someone for beliefs that they don't have but you're dressed like a witch that's halloween not just that's not halloween that's not how i portrayed The Wicked Witch on Broadway from The Wizard of Oz.
At a certain point, you have to connect the dots.
Well, of course you do.
And if someone tells you who they are, you believe them.
Well, you're reading it kind of wrong, but I see where you're going.
Keep going.
So, let's look at this one.
They made a documentary about you called She-Devil.
You were best friends with Meryl Streep, who was best friends with Harvey Weinstein.
Keep going, Jake.
And now look, the movie She-Devil came out on April 19, 1990.
You blew up that house.
Five years to the day later, Timothy McVeigh blew up Oklahoma City.
Do you think that's a coincidence?
Well, according to Timothy McVeigh, and this graphic that I made up, Timothy said, what started the craze to kill was a set I heard some little time ago by Roseanne Barr.
That's you.
Her doctrine that all rulers should be exterminated was what set me to thinking, so that my head nearly split with the pain, Miss Barr's words went right through me, and when I left the club, I made up my mind that I would have to do something heroic for the cause that I loved.
How do you explain that?
You made that up.
Well, did I make up this?
What are you doing?
I don't know.
I thought you might have a plan.
Hahaha!
Oh, I had a plan all right, and I was glad to have Hooper as a partner.
9-11!
Hahahahaha!
Did I make that up?
I'm gonna go.
Did I make that up, Roseanne Barr?
What's that?
That's She-Devil.
Was this in the movie?
Yes.
That's the next slide.
Oh, look at her playing dumb like she doesn't know.
No, I didn't even know this.
Yo, look at her playing dumb.
Go on.
So, this is what they do, okay?
In Hollywood, They take kids and they replace them so the parents don't even know.
And you, very famously, led on to the audience by doing the same thing with your show.
Sal Baron was replaced by Michael Fishman.
John Goodman was replaced by FDR's corpse.
And Roseanne Barr was replaced by Roseanne Arnold, even though the two actresses don't look anything alike.
And we're at home and we're supposed to believe it's the same person.
Because you know what they do?
They use something called changelings.
Do you know what changelings are?
Changelings is when you take the kid from the crib and replace them with a demon who does not age.
so that they always look like their children.
Go to the next one.
And famous change leaks include Gary Coleman, JonBenet Ramsey, Emmanuel Lewis, and Andy Milonakis.
So these are the techniques that these evil Hollywood insiders, such as yourself, do when they steal the children.
Now, if you look at WikiLeaks... Go back, go back, don't show that.
John Podesta, who Andrew Breitbart tweeted about being a child sex trafficker, In these emails that they weren't covered, he's talking about things like pizza, but he's clearly talking about them in a nefarious context, not talking about pizza.
But there were some other code words in there.
Go to the next one, Jake.
They talk about pizza meaning girls, macadamias means terrified children, and to nut is to get the kid to generate adrenochrome, which is interesting because Roseanne Barr is a macadamia nut farmer.
What is that?
What do you have to say for yourself, Roseanne Barr?
You're a conspiracy theorist.
Well, go on to the next slide.
So, that was the tweet that you supposedly got cancelled for, but if you look ten minutes earlier at this tweet I made up, you had said, I am sorry that I have been unable to secure more children for TST.
Hashtag Ambien.
What is TST?
The Satanic Temple.
Now, you people who practice witchcraft, like Penn Jillette and people like this, you engage in misdirection, right?
You look at this hand while I pick your pocket.
If you look at the statue, the eyes are drawn toward Baphomet's face, right?
But if you zoom in on his hand, he's got a pink pill that says 5401.
You Google that, he's holding an Ambien.
The demon god of child sacrifice.
And if you look up Ambien in Wikipedia, look what happens.
Ambien is the name or a term which appears in the Hebrew Bible several times, primarily Leviticus.
The Bible strongly condemns practices that are associated with Ambien, practices which appear to have included child sacrifice.
And whose picture did I put there?
It's you!
Ambien is commonly worshipped by Hollywood celebrities.
Now, Jake... We are a conspiracy theorist.
We're almost ready.
Jake, go on.
Next slide?
Yeah.
So Jake promised me a cut of The Inheritance, so I got this.
Are you going to go easy or not?
Oh my goodness.
Come on, Roseanne.
What is that?
We're putting you out of your misery.
Is that cyanide?
I want the adrenochrome straight from the source.
Oh, you're taking my adrenochrome?
Will you renounce Satan in all his ways?
I definitely renounce Satan in all of his ways.
Fuck Satan!
Will you admit that adding lyrics to the theme song was a mistake?
You know, I don't think so.
I can't accept that because they were so great.
And you know what?
I'd like to sing them right now.
If what doesn't kill us is making us stronger, then we are gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China or that rabbit with a drum.
And there's one thing that I've learned.
While waiting for my turn, it's that in each life some rain falls, but you also get some sun.
I can't remember the other ones.
You know all the money for this podcast is not going to go to ABC for royalties because they own that.
No, I own it with John Popper.
Okay.
Um...
Oh.
Something about we'll win any day.
I can't remember how it ends.
But fuck them.
Here's how it ends.
It's right here.
But fuck ABC.
Fuck Satan.
Fuck ABC.
Fuck all these child molesting sons of bitches.
You know what?
You should read my book, Rose Anarchy.
I have a copy of my book.
Because it's all about how I killed Satan.
It's all about how you summoned Satan.
Page 81.
Well, that's when I made the, you know, it's an allegory.
I made the deal with Satan, but then by the end of the book, I call him to meet me at, what's that place called?
Spago, where you met Hillary Clinton.
It all ties in.
Where I met Hillary Clinton.
I call Satan to come to lunch with me at Spago, because I've got a plan.
I want to break that contract.
After I get divorced from Tom Arnold, I'm like, fuck this.
This is what that contract with that goddamn Satan led me to?
I'm breaking that contract.
So I give it a lot of thought of how I'm going to break it.
I've got a lot of studying of the Bible and with rabbis.
Kind of becoming one myself.
And I figured out how to break it because my rabbi told me.
Adrenochrome?
No.
How did you break it?
Well, my rabbi told me, What day did you sign the contract with Satan?
And I said, well, I signed it on... I was ashamed to admit that I signed it on the Holy Sabbath day, being an Orthodox Jewish girl.
The rabbi said, you're in luck!
Because... Our contracts aren't binding because it's Shabbos.
He said, you're in luck!
See, you went to Yeshiva, so you know.
He said, Shabbos is the devil's day off.
Yeah.
There is nothing negative allowed on a holy day.
It can't exist on a holy day.
So there is no contract.
And I said, well, how do I kill him for everybody else?
And he said, well, you'll figure it out, which I did.
He gave me a few clues, and I did figure it out.
So, you know, I asked Satan, why are you so horrible?
I invited him in.
We became a little friendly.
You know, as you do in Hollywood over lunch.
Or today, during this podcast.
Yeah, right now.
And I said, why are you so angry and hateful and everything?
I just want to know.
And he goes, well, you really want to know because, you know, we were drinking.
So he got a little loose and he said, I'm sick and tired of people getting up at the Academy Awards and thanking Jesus or God when they know it's because of me.
And I want them to thank me and tell the truth for once.
And I said, I know how you feel.
He said, what are you doing to me?
I said, I know and I understand how you feel.
He's like, what are you doing to me?
And I said, I'm expressing empathy and you can't exist in the face of it.
And he blew away.
Do you want to hear, I know a little inside story about writing Rose Anarchy.
You do what?
That I stole it?
No.
No, stole what?
What do you mean stole?
The whole concept from the Torah.
But no, what are you going to tell me?
We had the same editor at the time, Trish.
Who?
Trish.
Oh, she was a good editor except she didn't do the final edit and quit.
I remember... They all quit.
Everybody I work with quits.
I wonder what's the commonality here.
I know.
Just because I rewrote it 14 times.
Just all these coincidences.
I remember her coming in and being kind of exhausted.
I'm like, what's going on?
She's like, Rosanne's doing the audiobook and it's the wrong version and she's flipping her shit that we have the wrong version for her to read.
And I told her we'd fix it in post and she didn't like that.
And they never did.
Is that true?
They didn't fix it in post.
I wrote 14 different versions of the book.
I wrote it and rewrote it.
Maybe it was 7.
But it was a lot.
And I guess that's hard for people to... Of course.
Because I'm compulsive.
I'm hard in writing to work with that way because I get really compulsive, you know.
And so, you know, she quit and whatever.
Then they had some other bitch come in and she quit too.
Just all these bad coincidences.
I know.
A lot of people, you know, they're just not strong enough to be around a fucking genius.
Yeah.
You know, it's hard.
It's hard.
Right?
You must understand right now, Michael, how that feels.
It's hard.
I can tell.
Well, it's hard being around you.
So it must go two ways.
I want to hear... Porn pants.
What's that?
Porn pants.
I'm wearing the Naked and Famous denim.
These are the... Hold on, I gotta zoom out.
What are we talking about?
Your pants?
He said those are pictures of pornography.
The best denim company on earth is a Canadian company called Naked and Famous.
And one of their dreams, that they drop these like 10 years old, is called Vintage Nudes.
And the inside, the weft, is all a print of vintage pornography.
And you can't really make it out.
It looks like newsprint.
That's kind of cool.
Yeah, they're the best brand.
They're amazing.
Can I?
We're probably wrapping up, right?
Already?
I don't know.
No, that's a mom.
Jesus Christ, this kid.
Ready to get ready for a santa?
No, you're not going to kill me, Satan.
I feel like it's over an hour.
Alright, well, anyway, Michael, I was going to say, the adrenochrome and the Satan worshipping stuff for my mother, it's a good theory of why she looks better, but she actually does use a product.
Yeah, I wouldn't be recommending anything to anybody that I didn't really love and I do use this.
It's been like a year and a half that I've been using this C60 Evo stuff and it like you start out well I mean you gotta wash your face but then you put on this C60 Evo oil which I think it's just a real pure oil E oil I think it is and it it does something to your skin I don't know it just like Purifies it or removes bad stuff off it.
It's really good.
And everywhere I go, I always tell people, this is what you should do.
Because it works for me.
And it really does work.
And I really feel like my skin looks better than it ever did.
And I feel like, you know, my hair too.
Now I'm using the new hair stuff that you scratch into your scalp because my hair's thinning.
But I really recommend it to people.
It's really good.
It's helped me a lot.
My skin's like, doesn't sag as much.
It doesn't have deep... It must be a big change for you given, you know, back in the 90s everyone's making fun of your weight.
To now have everyone commenting on how good you look.
That's gotta be a mindfuck.
I know, it is kind of a mindfuck, because they go like this.
Well, when I first lost some weight, they'd go like this.
You look good!
It was such an insult.
Hey!
What happened?
You look good!
But, you know, it's good to feel like you look good.
I mean, it's awesome that people think I look better now than I ever did.
But that's objectively true, don't you think?
I do!
And it makes me happy.
You know, I do all the girly things now that I never did when I was young.
Like, you know, Do moisturizing my face and all that kind of skin care and putting on makeup and feeling good.
Wait, let me ask you this because one of the things I tell kids that they don't have the emotional bandwidth to understand, at least for men, I can't speak for females, life in your 30s is a lot better than life in your 20s as a guy.
And when you're in your 20s, you hear that and you think, oh, you're just getting old, you're cope.
And I'm like, I promise you, once you hit your 30s, you'd be like, oh, he was telling the truth.
You're 70.
What decade is the best for women, do you think?
Well, I think that right now is the best for me because I think that as it goes decade by decade, I think what happens is you shed a lot of your negativity and your inhibitions and things that keep you down and hold you back.
And I think the real you comes out decade by decade, a little bit more, and you get to feeling more authentically you.
You don't care so much about what other people are thinking about you or if it's going to look good.
It's like, well, does it feel good?
I think that might be the journey of aging and life itself.
My friend Jackie, who's a huge fan of yours, shout out to Jackie, who's clearly F to M, Inside joke.
She was talking to some very old woman and she goes, what advice would you give to yourself?
And apparently this is very common.
She said, I wouldn't have worried so much.
And that when you get old, you're like, okay, what am I getting upset about?
Like this is, you know, when I was 20, maybe I'd be freaking out or maybe I'm 40, but now that I'm older, I'm like, I realized all that stress is for nothing.
Yeah, it kind of is for nothing, but you've got so much pent-up energy, you've got to do something with it. It's
probably better to just go for walks and exercise, which I never did, that
never occurred to me, than, you know, just stress up.
But learning to manage your stress is also another part of aging and wisdom, you know?
Because stress is some killer stuff to deal with.
I think you have more stress as a kid.
I feel like I did have more stress as a child than, you know, I did subsequent to my childhood.
And a lot of my adulthood was to shed that stress.
Roseanne, we're running out of time.
Yes.
What has been your favorite part of this episode?
Me.
Anything to do with me is always my favorite.
And you talking about me, it's just been wonderful.
You tell, you know, you formulating conspiracy theories that I star in, it's kind of like heavenly.
And that you talked about my book.
That was great.
I love that you read my book, because nobody did.
I even went on Oprah, her fat ass show, and only sold 5,000 copies of the book.
And that was years ago.
But the book is deeply spiritual, you know.
I guess people wasn't ready for that.
They want to hear, you know, I don't know, fat jokes or something.
But, you know, it's a deeply spiritual book.
You are welcome.
Thank you for being here and talking about me and celebrating me and all my many guises tonight.
Lady, there's been a book written about me called Ego and Hubris and the title that I
pitched which would apply to you is The Little Engine That Could But Shouldn't.
That is a good one.
That's a good one.
Yeah, they said no.
Yeah, that is something to really consider.
There's a lot of that in America right now, isn't there?
Yes, ma'am.
Good one.
Okay, now we're going to get some food.
Now, let's eat.
Oh, I have to do this.
Just one thing.
So, the C60 EVO... And the Amazon.
And the Amazon.
We'll do after.
Because that's not part of the podcast.
But the C60 Evo that you do use, if you go to c60evo.com, you can look up the products.
And if you use the promo code Rosanne, you get 10% off.
And I shit you not, I know this is a paid advertisement, but my mother does look better.
If you guys remember, it went viral a few months ago that she looks better than Madonna.
And by the way, Rosanne has two E's in it.
R-O-S-E-A-N-N-E.
Yes.
Not R-O-S-A.
R-O-S-E-A.
It comes up a lot.
So go to c60evo.com and order yourself some stuff and you can look as good as my mom does at 70.
If you're lucky.
If you're lucky.
And then... Thank you for putting that in.
Yeah.
And I'd like to hear how people are reacting to it, to see if it's helping them and looking better, too.
Well, she sent me and Hannah some.
I haven't used it yet, but Hannah's been using it.
I mean, Hannah's very pretty, but it's noticeably different.
Yeah, her skin looks way better.
And that's why we agreed to do this promo for them, because we don't do promos on the show, but the stuff actually does work.
And, you know.
And it's natural.
It isn't, you know, a bunch of whale grease or anything.
Whale grease is natural.
Well, yeah, so shit, but I wear that on my face.
All right, so let's just wrap this up.
So, thank Michael.
I thought we wrapped it up.
Yeah, I thought we did.
We had a good out.
Oh, did we?
Yeah.
He said, you are welcome.
That's how I end my show.
Well, this is not your show, Michael.
This is my mother's show.
But I like that he did it that way.
Okay.
Well, would you like to end the podcast, your podcast, with your thing or just let Michael do it?
I'll end it by thanking him.
Go ahead.
Thank him.
Thank you very much for being on my podcast, and I hope you like salmon because that's what I made.
You are welcome.
Salmon?
I don't even know them.
But you like salmon?
Yes, I do, ma'am.
Good.
I hope you like my recipe.
Okay.
Okay.
I know that a lot of Americans are concerned with rising inflation rates, with banks collapsing, with China taking over, with Biden being a complete criminal.
You're probably not feeling secure in your investments and your future and you're not wrong to be scared.
I highly suggest that you look into taking whatever retirement you have, whatever money you have aside.
Whatever you're thinking about doing, don't keep it in the bank.
Because $100,000 today that you've saved, that you feel good about, in 10 years is going to be worth about $50,000 or so.
The smartest thing you can do is invest in precious metals, gold and silver.
It is smart.
People have been telling you this.
Your grandfather probably told you this.
I'm going to tell you right now to go to bh-pm.com.
That's Beverly Hills Precious Metals.
Sign up for a free consultation.
Let them know Roseanne sent you.
And if you are interested and you are smart, you will think very, very strongly about getting your money out of the corrupt banking system.
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