The loosest, stupidest, most fun we've had in a while. Jake, Liv and Julian sit down to experience some listener submitted nonsense. Evangelical strongmen, murderers who believe in time travel, giant mechs, hog calling competitions, fake babies and presidential minecraft deepfakes. . Welcome to what will surely be a recurring episode type: Jake's Takes.
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Editing by Corey Klotz.
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Welcome, listener, to Premium Chapter 202 of the QAnon Anonymous podcast, the tentatively titled Jake's Takes episode.
That's right.
Volume one.
Volume one.
As always, we're your hosts, Jake Rakitansky.
Liv Acar.
And Julian Fields.
That's right, folks.
The three smartest members of the QAA outfit have been executed.
And while it is sad that Travis, Annie, and Brad were forced to walk the plank, you, dear listener, will reap the benefits.
I also want to say that them being the smartest is based on outdated tests.
That are often multiple choice.
There's been many studies proving that they're actually the dumb ones.
Well Liv just finished her thesis too, so you're probably... You're probably up there in the smartest thing, but for the purposes of this episode... Jake thinks your thesis was on you being smart.
I'm done with my thesis.
This is a no books allowed podcast.
I'm finished with all that.
Oh my God, I feel like we all, the most important thing that we share, that this group shares, it's not that we're the dumbest ones, it's that we're the most burnt out.
We all, we feel like maybe it's time to lay down in a blanket and go to sleep for a little while.
Maybe the bears have it correct.
Maybe I should be storing nuts the rest of the year so I can take three months of being in the vat that they put Luke Skywalker in with like tubes.
I just want to be like encased in like a gel and hovering.
You know that they had to write all of that in because Mark Hamill got into a really bad car accident in between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back.
So they wrote in... That he was injured?
That he was injured, yeah, to make up for the fact that he was still healing, he had a lot of cuts on his face, all sorts of stuff.
And they really put him in that vat and it really worked and they're hiding that technology now.
And Mark Hamill went on to become, you know, a great, a great guy.
Like he does, you know, he does tons of voiceovers.
He interacts with all of the fans.
He never, he never gets prickly about stuff.
He really accepts his, his sort of role in popular culture.
He like doesn't understand how tweets work.
Was this something we were looking at, Liv?
Where he doesn't understand how tweets work, so he accidentally does transphobia?
I was liking the thing that was screen capped by the transphobe, like he doesn't understand
who posted something, and he keeps getting in trouble.
That's how Luke Skywalker ended up on that island, dude.
In the apology, he didn't even clarify who he liked.
He was like, "I like that tweet "because of the realness in it."
But he meant the person being screen capped, but he did not clarify. - He fucked it up again!
He fucked it up again!
That is so fucking funny.
You can't expect Luke Skywalker, The man has one hand, it's robotic.
How is he gonna like and retweet a tweet properly?
He needs someone to run that account.
I mean, it's like everyone likes Hamill, but he did disappear for 30 years.
Let's not pretend he had some sort of vibrant career after Star Wars.
No, no, but he was doing voiceovers, he famously voices the Joker in the Batman animated series.
Does he?
He does?
Amazing.
And everybody loves it.
I mean, that's like one of the favorite things that people people like from his career.
All right.
All right.
Respect.
It's definitely a solid number two in his career.
Yeah, definitely.
I am Luke Skywalker from Star Wars.
Also the voice of the Joker in the Batman animated series.
That's true.
Yeah.
His resume is kind of like it hits so hard that what are you going to do afterwards?
Right.
I mean, I get it.
You know, everyone kind of was a wreck after that, except Harrison Ford, who went on to like You know, really fucking kick it out of the park.
But that's because he was the vampire.
He was there to feed on the sexual energy of what's, who plays Princess Leia.
He was like dating her and being horrible to her.
And then, so he took all the energy.
That was, why am I blanking on her name?
That was... She wrote the book.
Princess Leia.
An alcoholic.
Yes.
And her daughter is like a big actor now.
Okay, so on Jake's Takes, forgetting the names of famous women will be one of our ongoing bits.
Obviously we know her name, guys.
It's a funny bit.
I was gonna be like, oh yeah, Leia Organa.
That's just the name of her character.
No, Carrie... Carrie... Fisher?
Carrie Fisher!
All three of us, not misogynists, we are on record as being respecters.
I was really upset the way they did her when she died.
In the movie where they brought her back?
Very strange.
The second one where she kind of gets blown out into space and then they use the force to pull her dead body through space and then they put her in some kind of cryochamber.
BORING!
No one cares!
And the reason that they had to do that is Because she's holding some piece of jewelry or some, some, she's holding some locket that contains important information.
Oh my God.
So they needed to get the locket back onto the spacecraft for the story to make sense.
And I'm just like, well, okay, but she's, she's Leia.
She's, she has the force inside of her.
What would have been a such a better scene is she's kind of floating out in space.
You think she's dead.
Oh my God.
It's so sad.
And then her eyes open and she uses the last bit of force to push that locket back towards the thing.
That would have been so much better.
He's miming all the actions, he closes his eyes.
That would have been so much better and then you don't have to have her like dead body being pulled through space and then put her in the thing.
No one cares about Star Wars!
Half remembering Star Wars should be a recurring bit but I will yell at you every single time.
Did you guys know that Matthew Broderick killed a pedestrian with his car?
No!
We're not doing this!
What were you gonna say Liv?
What were you gonna say before Jake?
We're changing this, changing this fog as to Jake's movie takes.
That's what everybody really wants.
It's going to be raw.
It's going to be unfiltered.
They want to know what my rewrites would be.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
What is this show again about?
I think you were going to tell us.
Yeah.
Because I'm down with Jake's Takes.
Let me go.
Jake's Takes, to be clear, this is not a sister podcast to QAA.
This is the enemy podcast of QAA.
QAA's sworn enemy.
We are going to destroy it.
Welcome to the resistance.
Welcome to the dark QAA.
Yes.
I wrote, uh, yes, the three dumbest members of the podcast have decided to subject ourselves to your suggested content algorithm, and it doesn't look good.
We're gonna regret this for sure, I think.
So sit back, grab an Uncrustable, position it delicately under your thighs, and get ready to avoid any meaningful conversation on this pilot episode of Jake's Takes.
Well, unless you dislike Jake's takes, in which case QAA is responsible for it.
Because if we can somehow bring down that podcast, oh my god, so many things would be solved.
Never have to talk about that shit again.
It's kind of stormy in L.A.
right now.
The storm has arrived.
Julian and I both hydroplaned our way to the studio.
He, returning from therapy.
I do not tell people that I have a healthy respect for my mental health.
I, writing this episode up until the last second and leaving late.
I talked about you the whole time.
Did you really?
Yeah, I was like, I have a problem friend and he's my main...
He's my main issue these days.
Yeah, I'm a bad influence.
I'm a bad, real bad guy.
I would have my life together, but he keeps saying, one last Siggy behind the dumpster.
One of my best friends is like that.
He's a Canadian fellow.
He doesn't listen to the podcast, so he'll never hear this.
We did party with him when we went to Toronto.
I've never seen Travis get so drunk.
He didn't even make me turn out.
I had a joint over my ear and I was smoking a cigarette.
I was like, oh, just let me finish this.
He's like, oh dude, you can fucking blast it right in the car.
Yeah, basically the entire tour, Julian was dealing with like, Mama Jake, who was like, Julian, you can't smoke in the rental car.
Like, if we get pulled over, like, I could get a ticket.
Or like, Julian, you can't bring this open container of alcohol into the car.
You're going to get me in trouble.
I didn't do any of those things.
The whole time I was really... I could be deported.
You can't just list my crimes.
But these were crimes in Canada.
You can't get deported from a country that you don't live in.
Julian, we can't purchase and then use LSD, an illegal drug.
Maybe we can get Liv deported just by association.
Oh, shit.
By proxy crimes.
Well, maybe if you stopped a freaking man interrupting her.
What are you talking about?
I hate getting man interrupted.
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