Matt Walsh Reviews A Beloved Superhero Movie
Matt Walsh watches a beloved superhero movie and reviews it. - - - Today’s Sponsors: Birch Gold - Text "WALSH" to 989898 for your no-cost, no-obligation, FREE information kit: https://birchgold.com/walsh
Matt Walsh watches a beloved superhero movie and reviews it. - - - Today’s Sponsors: Birch Gold - Text "WALSH" to 989898 for your no-cost, no-obligation, FREE information kit: https://birchgold.com/walsh
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He must have given up. | |
Thrown in the towel. | |
Abandoned his sad little masquerade. | |
I finally got to him! | |
The power of the press triumphs! | |
Very rarely do I actually see these big blockbuster movies when they're in theaters. | |
And I did see this one. | |
And I hate to be so predictable, but I have to tell you that I didn't like the movie. | |
It seems like everyone loves it. | |
It's got like 105% on Rotten Tomatoes. | |
Everyone loves the movie. | |
For me, the Spider-Man movie exemplifies everything that's wrong with superhero movies. | |
And first of all, just to run through some of the problems. | |
There are no stakes. | |
Okay, I don't mean S-T-E-A-K-S. | |
There's nothing at stake. | |
There's not a whiff of suspense or narrative tension with these movies. | |
Because every problem is solved with either miraculous technology or superpowers, and okay, that part I get, it's a superhero movie, or literal magic now. | |
Magic's real here too? | |
I mean, no, it's not real. | |
It's been a while since I've seen one of these, and apparently now in the Marvel superhero universe, they have actual wizards who can just fly in and snap their fingers and make everything okay. | |
So there's no limits. | |
There's no rules within the universe itself. | |
And then so it's like watching someone play a video game with all the cheat codes. | |
There's no suspense to it. | |
There's no point in watching it. | |
I'm fine, obviously, with the idea of a superhero movie or a science fiction movie where things can happen in that world that can't happen in reality. | |
That makes sense. | |
It's fiction. | |
But what you have to do, and this is just good writing, You set the rules for this universe in the beginning, and the rules can be completely different from the rules in our universe. | |
That's fine. | |
But then you have to obey those rules within the story. | |
Rules are meant to be broken! | |
Instead, in this movie, you know, you could have a supervillain from a previous film, and, you know, he took up multiple films. | |
He was a big bad guy in previous films. | |
And in this one, he was, like, turned good with a contraption that a kid whips together in a lab out of scrap metal in three minutes. | |
I never explained how he did it, but okay, well you could do that now. | |
And if that doesn't work, a wizard can fly in and brainwash the world. | |
Then there are multiverses and time warps, you can go back in time and forward in time. | |
"I figured it out. Time travel." | |
All of that can be utilized if the narrative requires it. | |
If the writers write themselves into a, you know, write their backs against a wall, and they need to get out of a tough pinch, well, you know, just go to a different universe, bring a wizard in, whatever you have to do. | |
And then you have, like, a superhero can stop a train or something with one hand in one scene. | |
But then in the next, he can be knocked unconscious with a simple punch to the head. | |
See, the rules are rewritten depending on what the writers need for each scene, and it's lazy and boring. | |
It's fun for the kids, but it's bad filmmaking. | |
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You know, over the last couple of days, I've spoken about my experience watching the latest Spider-Man film. | |
I didn't like it to say the least. | |
And during the comment section of the show, I have briefly made my case against it. | |
This conversation has provoked anger from the audience and even dissension within the ranks at the Daily Wire. | |
Here is my overall rating. | |
Second best Spider-Man film of all time after Into the Spider-Verse. | |
And I'm told by a source that when I was making fun of Spider-Man yesterday on the show, the people in the control room were shaking their heads scornfully. | |
Because they didn't approve of what I was saying. | |
Damn. | |
One thing you know about me is that when people get upset about something that I say, that just encourages me to say it again, louder and longer. | |
I have, as you know, the maturity of a four-year-old, which means that I should actually be the target audience for Marvel movies, but they still don't resonate with me because although I have the maturity of a toddler, I still have the brain of an adult, which unfortunately precludes me from enjoying anything that Marvel has to offer. | |
And so today, we're moving beyond just the latest Spider-Man movie. | |
And instead, we're going to expand the scope of our inquiry. | |
And finally, once and for all, cancel Marvel itself. | |
All Marvel movies, they're all canceled. | |
Indeed, all superhero movies of all types are canceled. | |
I don't want to go. | |
I don't want to go. | |
Sir, please. | |
The first problem with superhero movies is that they're all exactly the same. | |
And they exist primarily to sell merchandise. | |
Introducing Action Command Spider-Man! | |
Now, superhero movies in the 90s were merely light on plot. | |
Superhero movies these days are entirely plotless. | |
Hey, watch your mouth! | |
And that's because of the advent of franchise filmmaking and world building, and that's turned every movie into a setup for the next movie. | |
Nothing can ever really happen. | |
There can be no substantial progress, no final resolution, because it's always just setting it up for the next one. | |
Each installment, none of these installments exist on their own. | |
None of them stand on their own. | |
They just exist because they gotta set up the next one, and the next one, and the next one. | |
Now, don't get me wrong. | |
I don't hate superhero movies as a concept. | |
I have nothing against a fanciful tale about a man in a rubber suit fighting bad guys, Bad guys who, through approximately 20 million story arcs, still have not thought to simply walk up to their nemesis and shoot him directly in the face. | |
Now, I'm no expert on the mythology of Marvel or DC, but I'm pretty sure a bullet to the face would dispatch almost all of the heroes in all of the universes. | |
That kind of tickles. | |
I know, except for Superman and a few others, but the rest... I mean, Spider-Man? | |
Just walk up to him and shoot him in the head. | |
But these are issues with story. | |
And superhero movies don't exist to tell stories. | |
They exist to perpetuate a brand. | |
Now, when I talk about this, I'm often accused of taking the stories too seriously. | |
But that's exactly the problem. | |
I don't take them seriously because I can't. | |
I take them as seriously as I take, like, a Geico commercial. | |
If you have a secret identity, you need to keep it secret. | |
And the problem is that the writers don't take the story seriously either, which is why they're at the point now of throwing everything into the mix just to keep the franchise going. | |
Superpowers, magic, miraculous technology. | |
Throw it all in. | |
Whatever is needed in each successive moment to propel it to the next moment. | |
And then at the end you can erase everybody's memory and do it all over again in the next movie. | |
All of these Marvel scriptwriters, they should be writing listicles for BuzzFeed. | |
But instead they're making Marvel movies. | |
Because that's what the movies really are. | |
They're kind of just like clickbait content. | |
It's Marvel saying, well, here's two and a half hours, you moron. | |
Sit down and have some of this. | |
That's why I don't just dislike these movies. | |
I reject them on principle. | |
I hate everything they stand for. | |
And I urge you to free yourself of their clutches. | |
I urge you to join me in saying to comic book movies, you are cancelled. | |
I am inevitable. |