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| All right, we're gonna do a little bit of advice today. | |
| Jennifer says, Hi Matt, I'm married to a wonderful conservative man and he and I are on the same page on almost everything and share the same values. | |
| We're both in our mid-twenties and getting ready to have kids, but I have one problem I'd like to try and solve before we do. | |
| My dear husband smokes weed. | |
| And I really don't want him to be doing that once we have kids, or while we're trying for that matter, because I know smoking can impact fertility. | |
| He doesn't smoke very frequently, a couple of days a week, but it's enough to bother me. | |
| I know he used to smoke in his teen years, but he stopped and didn't smoke for most of the time we were dating and engaged. | |
| So I didn't really think it was a problem before marriage. | |
| How should I go about approaching him about this without potentially causing issues? | |
| Well, there's no way to approach it except to just tell him everything you've told me. | |
| The only issue, he might not want to hear it, but I think it's perfectly valid for you to raise it. | |
| Especially if, from what you're telling me, when you knew him and you were engaged and you first got married, he didn't have this weed habit. | |
| So he can't say, oh, this is something that you knew about and now you're switching up on me. | |
| So this is a change that apparently, from what I'm getting from this, he has made since you got married, which gives you all the more reason to object. | |
| And I'd feel the same way about it. | |
| You know, I know that there are plenty of people who smoke weed and they get very upset, you know, if there's any criticism made against it. | |
| And generally, what you'll hear from them is that, well, it's no different. | |
| What's the difference between smoking a little bit of weed or, like, having a drink at the end of the day, having a beer? | |
| What's the difference? | |
| I think that there is a difference, you know, on a few different levels. | |
| One is, like, the psychological effect that marijuana can have, and it can have it in a more sort of potent way. | |
| Now, obviously, alcohol, if you overdo it and you get drunk, then that has all kinds of physical and psychological effects, and that's no good. | |
| But I think that the psychological effect of marijuana, even used casually, is much more potent and pronounced. | |
| And there have been plenty of studies done linking marijuana to things like schizophrenia and those sorts of things. | |
| Those studies are out there. | |
| And I also think it's like, it's less of a social, you know, if you're in a social environment, you're all sitting down, you have a couple of drinks, it's like a, it's a social thing, and it opens you up to be a little bit more social. | |
| Again, as long as you're not overdoing it, Kind of as a social lubricant, whereas marijuana is not that. | |
| It kind of brings you into yourself. | |
| It's a more of an isolating thing, which would make it all the more of a problem in the context of a marriage or if you have kids. | |
| And so I think all you could do is just communicate this to him and say that you're not comfortable with this in the house. | |
| And you have every right to say that. | |
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| All right, here's one from Reddit. | |
| Interesting one. | |
| It says, I've been divorced from my ex-wife for seven years. | |
| We were together for eight before that and married for four years. | |
| We have two children together, ages 14 and 12. | |
| We co-parent and each get our own week with the children. | |
| I love my wife deeply, but the sad truth is that she couldn't stay away from the male attention. | |
| She's a very beautiful woman. | |
| She has been her whole life. | |
| Men would always look when they walked by, and I used to think how lucky I was that she was mine. | |
| Until I found out she was entertaining these men as well. | |
| I had found texts in her phone multiple times. | |
| I let go of that because it was over the phone. | |
| That was a mistake. | |
| Then I find out that she allowed them to take her on dates or to bars secretly after her work shift ended. | |
| She promised it was never sexual. | |
| Yeah, okay. | |
| And I never had any proof that it was, but who knows? | |
| Well, no, we know. | |
| We all know. | |
| It was. | |
| She said that she just liked the compliments and the idea of how many guys like to pay attention to her, and it gave her some weird high. | |
| That wasn't my cup of tea, so I ended the marriage. | |
| I'm already seeing some of the problems here. | |
| The way that he's even phrasing this is so passive. | |
| It wasn't my cup of tea. | |
| You know, having a wife cheat on me wasn't really my cup of tea, wasn't my thing. | |
| I tried it out and didn't really like it. | |
| That just makes you a beta cuck. | |
| She spent the last years in therapy, in which she has been diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder and OCD. | |
| She claims she's doing really well. | |
| At our last drop-off with the kids, she told me that she told her therapist that she'd like to reconcile her marriage a year ago, and she hasn't been on any dates or tried to be flirtatious. | |
| She said that her goal was to fix us, that she wanted to be a family again, if I was willing to try. | |
| Knowing she has a diagnosis for why she wants this attention so badly and her actively getting help to contain these behaviors opens my mind up greatly if the possibility of a happy marriage, but I'm also not fully sure that I can trust her. | |
| I want nothing more than my family back, but I don't want a repeat of the first time. | |
| Yeah, um, this is an interesting one because, you know, first of all, I would never Discourage someone from trying to repair a marriage, especially when you have kids. | |
| And if there's a way to repair a marriage and reconcile, then, you know, that's always ideal and it's a beautiful thing. | |
| But there are a bunch of red flags in this case, aside from the obvious ones that she was cheating. | |
| You know, some of this is like the timing of it. | |
| So they've been divorced for seven years. | |
| And while they were together, she was out, you know, it wasn't sexual. | |
| It was I was just flirting with other men. | |
| Yeah, sure. | |
| But what that tells me is that she says she's 37 years old now. | |
| And so she's getting older. | |
| And, you know, as you get older, I'm 37, you're still young, you know, it's like I'm only 36, but as you get older, your looks start to fade a little bit. | |
| You don't have the same kind of youthful beauty that you once had. | |
| And so this tells you that's something that's part of what's going on here, which would mean that it's like it's less likely that there was a conversion moment. | |
| People can be reformed. | |
| They can change. | |
| That seems less likely here and more likely that the attention is drying up. | |
| from all the random guys and she was getting a lot more attention in her 20s and she's not in her 20s anymore and so now and she's starting to feel lonely and so that's why she is going back crawling back to the uh to the ex-husband which would tell us that there that there is a good chance there wasn't any actual uh personal reformation that happened and then the other big one other big red flag this kind of hiding behind a diagnosis And the diagnosis makes her feel better, and it makes the ex-husband feel better, because they say, oh, well, that explains it. | |
| That's why you were, that's why you were, you were a disloyal liar. | |
| You were a horrible, disloyal, unfaithful woman. | |
| But it's only because you were, it's because you had histrionic personality disorder and OCD. | |
| And so you just, what, you get some therapy, you take some drugs for that, and you're fine. | |
| You're cured. | |
| No, that's not the way it works. | |
| You know, we cannot medicalize everything, alright? | |
| Well, we can. | |
| I mean, we have medicalized everything, but we shouldn't. | |
| And people make choices, they make decisions, they do things. | |
| There are things called character flaws, you know, there are sins, there are evil choices people make. | |
| All that exists. | |
| And that's what happened here. | |
| Flirting with other men is not a symptom of a mental disease. | |
| It is a choice that you made. | |
| It's a symptom of character defects and your own choices. | |
| You had reasons that you chose to act that way. | |
| Because you like the attention. | |
| There were actually bad reasons, but there was a rationale behind it. | |
| It's not like it was psychotic behavior. | |
| You like attention. | |
| That's why you acted that way. | |
| And the fact that she goes and goes for the diagnosis and takes some comfort in being diagnosed that way, that only tells me that actually she has not been willing to confront what she actually did. | |
| Because she doesn't want to admit that she did these things and she made these choices. | |
| She wants to believe that, oh, it was all the mental illness doing that. | |
| So, I don't think that there's a... There does not appear to be, at this point, a chance of any real reconciliation for those reasons, unfortunately. | |
| And that'll do it for us. | |
| We'll talk to you tomorrow. |