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| He's kind and he's funny and he's also mustachioed. | |
| He solves all your problems by the end of every episode. | |
| TV Dad! | |
| Everyone loves TV Dad! | |
| We got some questions in the inbox asking for advice. | |
| Okay. | |
| From Anonymous. | |
| Our daughter and middle child is going through the common toddler phase of whining and crying and is super defiant. | |
| S U U U U U U U U U U P P P P P E R R R. So super, super defiant about everything. What do I do? I feel like I'm | |
| always getting after her to quit acting that way, but I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. Is this something I | |
| need to fix in myself or our daughter? | |
| Is this middle child behavior, toddler behavior, girl behavior, or a combination of all three? | |
| Thanks for everything, and thank you, Sean, for asking Matt the question. | |
| Sean's not here. | |
| Thank you, Sean, for asking Matt the question. | |
| You're welcome. | |
| You definitely need and deserve a raise. | |
| Okay, so this is toddler behavior. | |
| That's what the toddler years are all about. | |
| and uh girl or boy you know we've we've gone through this as you know with several kids and uh and it's it's the same thing toddlers are toddlers you know saying things like you said you'd get after her to quit acting that way and we all we all lapse into this sometimes you know it's just natural as a parent but saying something like quit knock it off like to actually say that to a toddler is totally pointless it doesn't they it doesn't mean anything to them And what we also have to remember with children at that age is that their brains are very far from fully developed, and so they're actually not capable of controlling themselves perfectly all the time. | |
| Really nobody is, even adults. | |
| No one is perfect about it. | |
| But for toddlers, you know, it's like they're This is why people talk about the terrible twos and everything. | |
| I think that the terrible two phase is way overblown, but the reason why you can, and I also, you know, not to be like the overly sensitive type, I'm not usually that, but I also, I don't love putting a label like terrible onto a whole phase of life, especially when they're little kids. | |
| You know, I don't think that's quite fair. | |
| You sure about that? | |
| You sure about that? | |
| But, you know, you have this kind of perfect storm where they're obviously moving around now completely and they're walking around and so they have their, they're able to, you know, move around that way and they're able to develop, like they've kind of figured out that there is an option to say no. | |
| You know, when they're younger, like when a kid's like one year old or something, they haven't even quite figured out that no's even an option. | |
| And now they're kind of figuring that out, and they're starting to test boundaries a little bit. | |
| Does it feel good? | |
| So you've got that going on. | |
| They can speak now, but they don't have all of their language skills developed yet, so they're not able to really explain themselves and what they're actually feeling. | |
| Have you ever had a dream that you could do And so they can be frustrated about something, and they don't even know what they're frustrated about, and they're not able to explain it to you. | |
| And so all these things come together to create the toddler temper tantrums. | |
| But that's also why just saying, hey, pipe down, stop it. | |
| Like, stop it. | |
| It doesn't do anything. | |
| Okay, you know what? | |
| You need to relax. | |
| They can hear that. | |
| They're not going to say, oh, oh, I should stop it. | |
| Well, okay then, father. | |
| I will stop it right away. | |
| So what do we do about it? | |
| I think that, um, The first thing is to realize that | |
| This is a natural part of childhood. | |
| It doesn't mean that we accept it all the time. | |
| It doesn't mean you let your kid act crazy all the time. | |
| But to realize that it is part of the natural development process. | |
| So it's not a problem in a sense. | |
| It's something you need to worry about. | |
| That it's a reflection of what's going to be in the future. | |
| This is just a toddler. | |
| But, as I said, you're also not going to let them run the house. | |
| And you do still want to teach them discipline and all of that. | |
| So, um, I think that involves, on your end, just being firm and being consistent and being simple in the instructions that you give to the child. | |
| Hey, I want a lawyer! | |
| If you put rewards in place, if you put punishments in place, being consistent about those things. | |
| So firmness, consistency, patience, being calm, you know, yelling at a toddler never | |
| works. | |
| It's not going to get the reaction that you want. | |
| "Hey, I want a lawyer." | |
| "I am the law." | |
| Parents yell sometimes, it happens, but it's not actually going to help the situation. | |
| It's just you letting off steam. | |
| And also, we are modeling. | |
| This is the biggest challenge for parents, and I always have to remind myself of this because I'm far from perfect as a parent, but it is true that the best thing I can do for my kids is actually model the behavior that I want to see in them. | |
| So yes, I'm going to set rules in place. | |
| And I'm going to say, this is what you need to do, and I'm going to give instructions, and we're going to do all that as a parent. | |
| But we also have to model it. | |
| And so, particularly for a toddler, if you want them to be patient, if you want them to control their emotions, if you want them to listen to instructions, you want all that stuff out of a toddler. | |
| The best way to get it is to show that. | |
| And I think for a lot of parents, they get overwhelmed by the toddler phase, and they start getting angry, and they yell a lot. | |
| But now, you're just demonstrating that to the kid. | |
| So you're saying something, but they don't hear that. | |
| All they see is what you're doing, and so now they're emulating it. | |
| So, leading by example is a, and then, and things like, you know, redirecting, I think, | |
| is often a good strategy for, for toddlers. | |
| They really want something, they're freaking out about it because they can't get it, redirect them to something else. | |
| Doesn't mean that you're bribing them all the time. | |
| You know, I'm not saying that they're freaking out because they want to do something, you don't want to do it, and you say, oh, here's a lollipop, and you try to bribe them. | |
| That's not going to be a good strategy. | |
| But redirecting them to something, their energy is to something more, something better. | |
| And ignoring is a tool in the parenting arsenal that has to be used sometimes. | |
| As long as you know that you've addressed their concern, they're not hurt, there's nothing serious going on, they're still having an attitude, having a temper tantrum. | |
| Sometimes it's like you gotta just... | |
| Ignore it in certain circumstances. | |
| Not like when you're out at the grocery store, and they're having a temper tantrum, and you let them do it and disrupt everybody around you. | |
| That's when you have to get them out of the situation. | |
| But there are circumstances where you do that. | |
| Like yesterday, when I was putting my three-year-old down for bed, and she was very, very upset about going to bed, even though it was actually past her bedtime. | |
| And I did try to explain that to her. | |
| I said, this is 30 minutes past your bedtime, so you should be thanking me. | |
| But for some reason, she was not persuaded by that. | |
| She was very upset about going to bed. | |
| And she was not a full-on meltdown, but she was whining about it. | |
| And, you know, I explained to her, it's bedtime, you're going to bed. | |
| Brought her up, gave her a kiss, said goodnight. | |
| Left her, and she was still whining, but I'm not gonna sit there and negotiate with you. | |
| It's like, this is bedtime, and then I left, and she was fine, and she got over it. | |
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| All right. | |
| From Ray says, Dear Matt, please help me figure out my marriage. | |
| I've been married just over five years and have four kids, five and under. | |
| We recently moved states to Utah. | |
| He's got a better job here and I don't have to work. | |
| I used to be the heavy earner. | |
| I love being able to stay at home with my three little boys and my nursing baby girl. | |
| I cook all the meals to save money. | |
| The house is clean. | |
| I homeschool and I'm involved in several church groups. | |
| I don't dump all the hardships of my daily life on my husband because of your advice not to do this. | |
| Good. | |
| Good advice if I do say so myself. | |
| I share stories of the sweet things our little babies do and general news and some fun things I think that he'd like to hear about. | |
| That's all very good. | |
| My husband constantly complains. | |
| He complains about work. | |
| He complains that we have to buy a house in this state and how it'll be so expensive and I'll have to pay for it alone. | |
| He complains about the kids interrupting him while he's looking at the phone. | |
| He complains about stubbing his toe. | |
| He complains about the weather. | |
| I try not to be hurt or offended by this because we did leave his childhood home to come here. | |
| I had to leave mine when we were married because California is not a good place. | |
| It's just so, so hard to stay positive. | |
| If I'm happy when he comes home, he'll say things like, well, I'm glad you're happy because that commute is an absolute killer. | |
| Then he'll keep on about little things like the food being pricey or the beer being the wrong kind or the baby being cranky until I'm crying. | |
| Then he'll say, well, you wanted to move here, so stop crying. | |
| I don't know what to do. | |
| I try so hard to be supportive and uncomplaining, but I can tell he's really unhappy. | |
| I've asked him to try to give me the same courtesy of being just happy when he comes home, but then he just says, what, I'm not allowed to have feelings now? | |
| Then he'll yell at our boys or for whatever they're doing. | |
| What do I say? | |
| What do I do? | |
| I don't even know where to start. | |
| I want to be supportive, but I actually hate being around him because of how much he nags at me and yells at the kids. | |
| Please advise. | |
| So the first thing Always is to look at yourself. | |
| That's the first person you can control in your marriage. | |
| The only person you can directly control in the entire universe. | |
| So that's always the first place that you want to look. | |
| And I'm not saying this is your fault. | |
| I don't know anything about you. | |
| So you have presented a pretty one-sided version of events here. | |
| And it could be totally accurate. | |
| No indication that it isn't. | |
| But 9 times out of 10, or maybe like 9.9 times out of 10, You hear a story like this, if I were to talk to your husband, he would have his own tale of woe related to you and what you do, and that would also probably be rather one-sided. | |
| And then between those two pictures, maybe we would get a clearer picture of what the truth is. | |
| And that's not, again, not any criticism of you, that's just how people are, you know? | |
| That's how anybody is. | |
| If I were to complain about somebody in my life, and you talk to that person, they would have their own complaints. | |
| That's the way it goes. | |
| So, the way that you have laid this out, this version of the story, he's totally the bad guy. | |
| He's being completely unreasonable. | |
| You're trying to be happy and supportive, and you're doing all these things at home, and the house is clean, and you're making food, and you're taking care of the kids, and you're happy to see him, and you tell him happy stories and all of that, but he's complaining all the time about everything. | |
| He's whiny and self-pitying. | |
| My only point is that As a matter of statistics, it's very likely that the story is not as one-sided as you have made it out to be. | |
| So I would look at yourself. | |
| Is it actually true? | |
| Is this true or is this a story you're telling about Yourself. | |
| And then after you've done that inventory, there is a question about is there something else going on in his life? | |
| Is this just childish whining? | |
| Or is there something more serious going on? | |
| Is there something going on at work? | |
| Some major stress, some major burden that he's carrying that he doesn't want to tell you about because he doesn't want to put it on your shoulders. | |
| But then unfortunately, he's not putting that on your shoulders, but then he's putting everything else on your shoulders because it comes out and he's the ways. | |
| That's a possibility. | |
| I would try to talk to him about that. | |
| Once you have covered those bases, and if it is true that this is basically a one-sided thing, there's nothing else more serious going on with him, then we are left with, in that case, that on his part this is just simply self-centeredness, this is being a Being super whiny and being self-pitying. | |
| You know, this is someone who wants pity. | |
| He wants attention and wants pity. | |
| And there are people like that in the world. | |
| There are a lot of people like that. | |
| And unfortunately, there are men like that. | |
| And it is a real problem, especially when men become this way, because it's not respectable. | |
| It's not respectable behavior. | |
| It's very hard to respect someone who desires pity all the time. | |
| And even when you're trying to have a positive conversation, you're telling him about the kids, and all he wants to do is complain, he doesn't want to see you happy. | |
| Like, he comes home, and you're happy, and he's, like, upset about that. | |
| So he wants to tell you about, oh, you're happy. | |
| Well, here's what happened to me. | |
| What's the matter? | |
| Nothing's the matter. | |
| If that's all the case, then that's not a good thing. | |
| If he had a tough day at work and he comes home and everybody's happy, that should make him even happier. | |
| That's a great thing, to come home to happiness. | |
| My goodness. | |
| So if that's the case, then it really becomes a man-up situation for him. | |
| And I know there are guys in the manosphere and all that, that they don't like that phrase. | |
| They don't want to hear about that. | |
| They never want to hear that answer. | |
| But sometimes that is the answer. | |
| Sometimes for a man, just get the hell over it. | |
| Be a man. | |
| Be a man, Hogan. | |
| Boy, do some shunting. | |
| Because I'm Hogan, it's a real big problem. | |
| But really, that's the only solution in that case. | |
| And if that's it, then you still need to have a talk with him. | |
| That's when you're talking about things like respect, and you want to respect him, but it's hard to respect this kind of behavior. | |
| You start using language like that, that really... | |
| Now he might react to it, he might get angry at first, but that will resonate. | |
| There's a chance of getting through it's going to be when you start using language like that. | |
| You're not being vicious to him, you're not saying you don't respect him, you're just saying, I can't respect this behavior. | |
| So, that's what I would say. | |
| Finally, from Michelle, I'm married to a very kind and godly man. | |
| He's both my husband and my best friend. | |
| My entire family loves him except for my sister. | |
| Every time I see her, she has something negative to say about him. | |
| She has never brought anything concerning or serious to me about him. | |
| I believe she just doesn't get along with him because they have clashing personalities. | |
| I feel disloyal listening to her say unkind things about my husband. | |
| However, I don't want to cause drama with my sister. | |
| What should I say when she comes to me with complaints about my husband? | |
| You can't listen to complaints about your husband. | |
| You can talk to our complaint department. | |
| If there's something really serious going on that someone in your life is concerned | |
| about and they bring that to you, that's one thing. | |
| But you're saying there's nothing serious here, he's a very good man. | |
| And so she's just whining about him and nagging, and nitpicking and that sort of thing. | |
| No, I don't think you don't have those kinds of conversations about your husband with anybody, | |
| complaining about them, listening to complaints. | |
| You can talk to our complaint department. | |
| It's a trash can. | |
| It's not appropriate. | |
| You should not be the sounding board for anyone's complaints about your husband, just like he shouldn't be for any complaints about you. | |
| So that's what you tell your sister. | |
| I'm not going to listen to this. | |
| It's not appropriate. | |
| It's not right. | |
| I love and respect my husband. | |
| We're not going to have this conversation, and I don't want to hear it anymore. | |
| And then she just has to deal with it. | |
| Okay. | |
| Well, we'll leave it there. | |
| Thanks for listening. | |
| Talk to you tomorrow. |