For Christmas Eve, Matt Walsh has decided to taste test different diet based milks and cookies to help make sure you all don't poison Santa this holiday season. - - - Today's Sponsor: Get 3 Months of ExpressVPN FREE! https://www.expressvpn.com/walshyt Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| What the f***? | |
| People would eat this on purpose? | |
| If you leave this s*** for Santa Claus, you're not getting any presents this year. | |
| Christmas time! | |
| And what is something you think about at Christmas time? | |
| You think about Santa Claus, and you think about Santa Claus, you think about milk and cookies that we all leave out for Santa Claus, and it's a wonderful, joyous thing. | |
| And of course, my producers, because they Hate me are always thinking of ways that we can take wonderful and joyous things and make them miserable and force me to suffer for the enjoyment of the audience. | |
| And so that's what we're doing today. | |
| Instead of, you know, doing a taste test of regular milk and regular cookies, I don't know if that would be good content, but I would enjoy it anyway. | |
| Instead, we have fake milk and fake cookies. | |
| OK, this is like the vegan fake stuff. | |
| We've got different kinds. | |
| They call it milk. | |
| But it's actually not really milk. | |
| Milk, by definition, is a dairy product that is secreted by mammals. | |
| So milk is a mammal's secretions. | |
| It should say that on the damn carton. | |
| And if what you're drinking is not secreted from a mammal... Stop saying that word! | |
| ...then it's not milk. | |
| It's a cashew milk, coconut milk, walnut milk. | |
| That's like nut juice. | |
| Okay? | |
| There's a difference between nut juice and mammal secretions. | |
| I can understand why maybe they don't call it nut juice, as I'm saying it out loud, but still, it's what it really is. | |
| So we've got that, and then we've got different kinds of vegan cookies, and we'll, who knows? | |
| Maybe I'll try one of these and I'll say, you know what? | |
| Being a vegan isn't so bad. | |
| All right, we'll start with cashew milk and keto chocolate chip. | |
| I don't even know what keto is. | |
| I mean, I've heard it, but is that a, so that's like a non-dairy thing? | |
| Is that what it is? | |
| So this is a cookie without carbs. | |
| It's not even convincing. Like nothing... | |
| That's the thing. | |
| And people that drink this stuff, they always say, oh, it tastes just like real milk. | |
| You ever had real milk? | |
| This is not it. | |
| It tastes like. | |
| Yeah, it tastes like if you had a bottle of water, and you put a bunch of cashews in it, and you left it in your car for three days, and then drank the water that's been stewing around with the cashews. | |
| That's what it tastes like. | |
| All right, next we have, as for the cookie, this is the Keto Carb-Free Cookie. | |
| This doesn't even look like a cookie. | |
| I don't know what this looks like. | |
| It's got a yellowish almost tint to it. | |
| It's spongy. | |
| Oh, no, it's terrible. | |
| Okay. | |
| It fools you for a second. | |
| Just for a moment, I'm trying it. | |
| I'm like, well, this isn't too bad. | |
| No, no, at the end, you feel it on the back end. | |
| I don't know what this is made of, but it's not food. | |
| You know, at the very end of it, kind of the aftertaste, you can tell that you're eating something that's not meant to be consumed by human beings. | |
| And at the end of the day, it tastes like it looks. | |
| It tastes like a sponge. | |
| It tastes like if you just grab a sponge, maybe put a little bit of chocolate syrup on it, and take a bite of that, and that's what this tastes like. | |
| Next, we have Plant-based milk and gluten-free chocolate chip. | |
| But it's not milk though, because plant... Is a plant a mammal? | |
| No, it's not. | |
| It doesn't... Do we know what plant this is coming from? | |
| Can I at least know that? | |
| So just any plant... Is that what it says on the carton? | |
| There are millions of kinds of plants out there. | |
| Who would ever... In what other context would you just... What if someone was... There's like a salad and all it says is plants. | |
| You're at Olive Garden and you're looking at the salad menu and there's the plant salad. | |
| I wanna know what kind of plant this is. | |
| Whatever plant it is, it tastes like (beep) | |
| It's the s*** plant, is what it is. | |
| That's like a Pepto-Bismol. | |
| Is this even milk? | |
| This tastes like something... It's got a chalky, like a Pepto thing going on. | |
| All right, now we have the gluten-free cookie. | |
| Yeah, it's not bad. | |
| I mean, it's bad, don't get me wrong. | |
| But if you're talking about like the store-bought Chips Ahoy, You know, which I would never eat that kind of cookie in the first place, but this is a step below that. | |
| It's definitely not good. | |
| I still, and I'm not just saying this to be funny, I have no idea what gluten is, but whatever it is, I love it. | |
| It's great. | |
| Because any food I've ever had that excludes it, Tastes like garbage. | |
| So, I don't know what... Gluten is the magic fairy dust that makes food not taste like garbage, I guess. | |
| I have a gluten allergy. | |
| Well, if I had a gluten allergy, I would just deal with it. | |
| I would deal with the consequences. | |
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| All right, what's next? | |
| Flax milk and vegan chocolate chip cookie. | |
| I don't know what flax is either. | |
| Can someone tell me what flax is? | |
| You plant flax seed in the ground, what do you get? | |
| So you just get more seeds? | |
| It just makes seeds erupt out of the ground? | |
| Oh my God. | |
| That's terrible. | |
| That is really, really bad. | |
| There's no way anyone chooses to drink this. | |
| Why would you do that to yourself? | |
| Just don't drink the milk. | |
| You don't need this in your life. | |
| Why would you ever need this in your life? | |
| That's what I don't understand. | |
| Like milk, but you can't drink it because you're lactose intolerant or some **** like that. | |
| And this is the only option? | |
| You're just better, just don't have the milk. | |
| This is like, this is barnyard. | |
| This has a, tastes like it was made out of hay. | |
| It's like a bunch of hay that's on a, been sitting around decomposing in a barn somewhere. | |
| That's bad. | |
| Okay. | |
| The vegan chocolate chip cookie. | |
| So that means it has no butter, no eggs, like all of the best parts of the cookie is not in here. | |
| Hmm. | |
| Wait a sec. | |
| It's not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. | |
| I'm not saying it's good, but I'm a little bit... I'm having all kinds of strange feelings now. | |
| I don't know what's happening to me. | |
| Who are you? | |
| The vegan cookie is not terrible. | |
| I mean, I... Well, I need to think more about that. | |
| I'm just telling you, it's not terrible. | |
| It's like a, it's a C-minus, you know? | |
| Alright, finally. | |
| Walnut Milk and Flax Chocolate Chip Cookies. | |
| I still don't even know what the hell flax is, but I'm gonna be consuming it again. | |
| I'm actually starting to feel sick. | |
| I have like the, whatever the opposite of lactose intolerant is, I have an intolerance for things that are supposed to be lactose and aren't. | |
| That just, that's just pure walnuts. | |
| That just tastes like walnuts. | |
| That's liquefied walnuts. | |
| It's not even, you can see the, well, you can't see it in the camera, but it's like a, it's a darker brown consistency. | |
| All right. | |
| Finally, this is our flax chocolate chip cookie. | |
| And I have a feeling this is going to be truly terrible. | |
| That's not... What the f***? | |
| That is so bad. | |
| People would eat this on purpose? | |
| I don't even know how to describe that. | |
| It definitely tastes like flaxseed, and I don't even know what it is. | |
| That's... Oh, and it's even worse on the aftertaste. | |
| It lingers with you. | |
| It doesn't let you... It clings on, doesn't let you escape. | |
| Okay. | |
| Well, good. | |
| So, the lesson here is that if you leave this for Santa Claus, you're not getting any presents this year. |