Am I The Thanksgiving A**Hole? | Matt Walsh Decides Who's To Blame
Join Matt Walsh as he combs through Thanksgiving themed questions from Reddit's Am I The A**hole? forum.
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So today, we're going to go back to Am I the Asshole, the forums on Reddit, to read about some of those cases that have to do with Thanksgiving.
We have a number of Am I the Asshole Thanksgiving-related dilemmas.
Thanksgiving is a time where lots of people act like assholes, unfortunately.
Here are a few of those cases.
These are some good dilemmas, I think.
A lot to talk about.
So we'll read through some of these.
First, me and my wife had a baby seven months ago.
My parents came to us for Thanksgiving dinner this year.
My wife made a great spread.
As we were about to eat, the baby started fussing.
He has been teething.
I told my wife she should go attend to him, but she asked if I could.
Because she hadn't eaten all day, because she was trying to care for the baby, cook everything, and try to visit with my parents, and she would really like a warm meal instead, and it had been a while since she'd had one.
I said it would be really rude to my parents to sit down without me, since in my family, the hosting family member was always at the table with the guests.
My wife asked me again to please go, but I was annoyed and said no.
I could tell my wife was irritated, but she went to our baby.
I was thinking we'd wait for her to return, but my dad said he was starving and everything looked fantastic.
So I told them to dig in.
My wife seemed to be having a hard time getting our son to settle down, but she's always had the magic touch when it comes to him, so I left her to it.
That was very nice of you.
By the time he was content and quiet again, we'd finished and we had moved into the other room.
I had left everything on the table, and when I went back around, she was feeding the baby.
I said she should probably clean up once she was done, and she really coldly asked when exactly she was supposed to eat.
I was taken by surprise and asked what she was on about, and she told me that she hadn't eaten anything and I had left a mess instead of at least taking the used dishes to the sink.
And she knew it was too much to think I'd actually be bothered to make her a plate too.
I got irritated and told her that she was being dramatic, that we were hosting and I thought it was more important to
spend time with my parents.
She said that I was the one who invited my parents over, but I left her to do everything.
I said that wasn't true, but she asked me to name just one thing I'd done to help her.
I was put on the spot and I couldn't think of something.
So she said exactly.
I got pretty angry, but my mom came in then and asked if she could feed the baby.
My God, are you still talking?
My wife said yes, then started making herself a plate so she could eat.
My mom was upset with me when she realized that my wife still hadn't eaten.
But first of all, before your wife ate, did you make sure that she had cleaned the bathroom?
Because it's not fair to leave a messy bathroom when there are guests over.
No, I am actually concerned that as a five-year-old, you're probably way too young to be married.
I mean, I believe in early marriage, but that's too far, I think, even for me.
I can only assume that you're five and have been married for five minutes based on your behavior as you describe it.
You know what you are, actually?
You're like Kevin James or Ray Romano from a 90s sitcom, you know?
You did literally everything wrong every step of the way.
He's an a**hole!
You're so wrong and outlandishly a**hole-ish that I'm not sure if I even believe that this is real.
But then the whole bit breaks down if it's not real, so we'll just charge ahead and pretend that it is.
Next one says, I'll preface this by saying that my son, Tim, recently got married to his now-wife, Sarah.
We get along just fine as a family, though she tends to act passive-aggressively sometimes.
She loves food and is always open to trying my cooking.
She said my cooking was amazing, though she made a few negative comments about certain meals and advised me to use XYZ ingredients next time.
Who are these people?
So she sat down to have your meal and said, this is great, but next time you should try that ingredient.
Who does that?
I invited them over for Thanksgiving yesterday.
The whole family was there.
The bell rang and I opened the door to see Tim and Sarah.
Sarah was carrying what seemed to be a container.
I didn't ask about it nor pay much attention to it.
Everybody sat down to eat after I set up the table and put dinner on it.
My main dish was the traditional Thanksgiving dish every family in our community knows.
I had appetizers and side dishes and of course salad and dessert.
Sarah then put the container on the table and started unloading food onto her empty plate.
Everybody was watching as my eyes widened up.
I asked what she was doing and she said that she brought her own food to eat since she doesn't want to eat what I cooked.
I was stunned and I politely asked if there was a reason for that and she shook her head.
I asked if she was vegan, she said no.
I asked if she was allergic to anything at the table, she said no.
I asked if she was having an upset stomach or anything, she said no.
Uh, she just sat with a smug smile and, uh, which set me off.
And then anyway, okay.
Then it goes on and on and on.
And, uh, the, this ungrateful daughter-in-law eats her own meal at the table while the son just sits there.
Okay.
So yeah, Sarah's an a**hole, but I put the blame on your son, Tim, really.
I think he's the bigger a**hole here, because what kind of husband allows his wife to bring a Tupperware container with her own meal to his parents' Thanksgiving dinner?
What a little a**hole.
I mean, there are times when you put your foot down as a man, and this is definitely one of them.
Although, if you got to this point, it probably means that you've never put your foot down one time, and that's very obvious from this.
You're leaving for Thanksgiving dinner, and you see your wife holding a container of food.
And I could see asking, like, oh, is that your contribution to the meal?
No, that's just for me.
Oh, you're joking, right?
This is one of your crazy practical jokes, right?
That's very funny.
No, no, no, I'm serious.
Okay, well, then you're a lunatic, and I'm calling an insane asylum.
Here's what we're gonna do.
You put that damn container down, or I swear to God, I will have you admitted to an asylum.
Put that coffee down.
That's conflict resolution in a marriage, okay?
That's what you do.
You a**hole.
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Um, next!
My family gets together once a year on Thanksgiving.
I'm recently remarried and my wife hasn't had much of a chance to bond with my family due to COVID, and we are all looking forward to getting everyone together.
Unfortunately, my elderly parents just told me that they've also invited my ex-wife to dinner, which I'm adamantly against.
My ex has known these people for 20 years, and that familiarity and level of comfort will make it hard, in my opinion, for my new wife to fit in.
She insists that I could go without her, but if she won't go, then I'm not going to go as my place is by her side.
My family says that my wife... Isn't that very nice?
You're remaining steadfastly loyal to your second wife.
Good.
That's a man of principle.
My family says that my wife should just suck it up and deal, and that if we're not there, we'll ruin Thanksgiving for everybody.
So am I the a**hole for thinking my ex should make other plans and not attend my family's dinner?
Yeah, you're the a**hole.
I think for a number of reasons.
You're such an a**hole!
First is getting divorced in the first place, and this is why you don't get divorced.
Divorce!
You just make everything complicated for everybody.
You make everything worse and everything complicated for everybody for the rest of your life, including yourself.
That's what happens when you get divorced.
And your family, keep in mind, when you get married, it's not just you.
The two of you are not the only ones affected.
You have families, and your families are now bonded as well through this bond of marriage.
Your parents, it sounds like, have accepted your first wife as their daughter, as a member of the family.
And now they're supposed to renege on that?
They're supposed to reverse course just because you have?
Their bond doesn't mean anything anymore just because you've decided to sever it?
Doesn't work that way.
It's like when parents get remarried and then demand that their kids accept the new person as their mom or dad.
You're not my dad!
Maybe they will, but that's not their responsibility.
That's not their obligation.
They have a mom and dad.
They only need one of each as far as they're concerned.
The fact that you couldn't work out your marriage and you decided to break your wedding vows, that's not anybody else's problem.
That's your problem.
You figure that out.
All right, what else we got?
A couple more here.
Here in Canada, it's Thanksgiving weekend and my family is having our dinner tomorrow.
My aunt, who has a toddler and is in the middle of moving, insisted on hosting dinner this year despite all of us warning her it'd be a lot to do, especially with her moving.
She insisted that she'd be able to handle it and the plan was to have dinner at her place.
I'm a baking and pastry art student, so I offered to make pies for dessert.
My offer was taken up when I started planning and designing the pies for my family.
This would be the first time any of them had seen or tried any of my baking since I've become more than a home baker.
I'm classically trained in French pastries, among other things, and I graduate this winter, so needless to say, I take great pride in what I create and consider each baked good a piece of art and a piece of me.
Tomorrow is the dinner, and I was just informed that there would be no home-cooked meal, but instead my aunt is going to order Thai takeout for everybody.
I got upset and said that not only will I not be making the pies, but I won't be attending the dinner at all.
My parents are mad at me for not following through, but I feel massively disrespected and disregarded.
Am I the a**hole?
I mean, a little bit.
Yeah, I think you are.
This is kind of a half and half a**hole deal.
So you're the a**hole for all the stuff about how your baking is your art and it's a piece of you and trying to impress everyone with the fact that you're in college.
I went to college!
That makes you an a**hole and no one wants to be around that.
On the other hand, your aunt Is ordering takeout on Thanksgiving?
That is, that's a crime.
I mean, that should actually be a crime.
This isn't hard, okay?
Thanksgiving is a time for a specific sort of meal.
You should not legally be allowed to eat anything but the traditional meal.
So we're talking turkey, stuffing, green beans, gravy, sweet potatoes, etc.
Right?
Like, there are a few other staples.
You can add in some variation.
You can add some things in addition to the staples.
Your own twist on things if you want, but the staples need to be there.
And again, when I'm theocratic, fascist, dictator of the world, this will be a matter of the law.
All restaurants that serve takeout will be forcibly closed on Thanksgiving.
Any restaurant that tries to open on Thanksgiving will be immediately shot.
That's it.
It might seem a little harsh, but you gotta break some eggs to make some omelets.
Finally, I am married to my husband and we have two kids.
We are vegans.
I am, for ethical reasons, my husband is allergic to dairy and so is my three-year-old.
Okay, I'm gonna cut it off right there.
You are the a**hole.
I don't even need to know the entire story.
Vegans on Thanksgiving are always the a**holes.
Same with every other time of year, in fact.
And I don't want to hear about ethical reasons.
See, you won't eat dairy Because of eth— You don't think we should get milk from cows?
Why?
What else should we do with the cow's milk?
Oh, yes!
The cows exist.
What are we gonna do with the cows, first of all?
Like, do you want us to just release them into the wild?
What— All these cows that— I mean, I know you could say it's unethical that we have all the dairy farms and everything.
It's so terrible that we've enslaved all these cows.
What do you want us to do with them?
Just release them into the Serengeti?
I mean, bring them down to the Amazon?
Just, like, release them into the neighborhoods?
Kill them all?
Dump them into the ocean?
Like, we have them.
They need to be milked.
And then, what do you do with the milk?
You might as well drink it.
Why not drink it?
Why not make cheese out of it?
And also, what about the lives of the plants that you're eating?
The lettuce that you're eating is a living thing, vegans.
It has hopes and dreams and ambitions and feelings.
And you ruthlessly chop it up and stick a fork in it and chomp on it while it screams silently in pain, which you ignore those screams.
Take a head of iceberg lettuce, make sure the core is pointing down, and slam it.
So don't come to me talking about ethical concerns.
