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Feb. 20, 2021 - The Matt Walsh Show
11:35
Relationship Advice For The Reddit Crowd

Join Matt Walsh as he gives advice to people posting on Reddit.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Today we're going to look at some questions from the relationships forum on Reddit.
Lots of confused and helpless people go on to this forum looking for advice on their relationships.
I may not be an expert on marriage or on relationships, but I am at least an expert compared to the sort of hapless saps who go looking for advice on Reddit.
That's generally one of the good things about living In a collapsing civilization is that everyone is so stupid and crazy that I look pretty good by comparison.
So it's good for my self-esteem anyway.
So let's go through a few of these.
I think these are some recent questions that were posed.
All the advice given by the Redditors is not good.
Let me give you the truth of it.
So here we go.
This is headline.
I cheated on my partner and I don't know what to do.
It's a 24-year-old female cheating with a 25-year-old male.
She says, last night I got incredibly drunk with a friend, 26-year-old male, who I trusted and have been friends with for years.
We are both in long-term relationships and have never expressed romantic attraction towards each other.
Because, for one, I never liked him like that.
Well, apparently you did, miss.
Apparently you did.
And for two, we're both in loving relationships.
Apparently not, miss.
Apparently not.
While we were super drunk, he asked me to dance.
And of course I said yes, because I'm the type of person that loves to dance.
It was not romantic dancing.
It was more fun, because we were listening to upbeat music.
Then he kissed me, and I didn't know what to do.
I was both shocked and super drunk, and I don't really remember much of what happened, but I know we didn't have sex or do anything sexual besides kiss.
He might have groped me, but I don't know.
I'm very stressed out with a nasty hangover.
I already am going to be not friends with the guy because I can't believe he'd do that, especially when I was much more drunk than him.
Now what do I do about my boyfriend?
We're moving in together this month.
We already signed a one-year lease and I love him to bits.
This man wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me.
Where do I even begin to tell him that I did such a horrible thing?
I can't stomach thinking about it.
I can't imagine telling him.
Any advice is appreciated.
Okay, first of all, you've already got the excuses teed up, don't you?
How could he do this?
How could he be the one who does this?
I was much more drunk than he was.
Yeah, well, whose fault was it that you decided to get drunk?
What, did he hold you down?
Like, use a funnel and force Miller Lite down your throat?
What, did he waterboard you?
No, this is a choice you made.
And what were you doing hanging out one-on-one at night with a member of the opposite sex?
And then getting drunk?
And you're supposedly in a relationship you care about.
So how was this plan supposed to work?
What did you think was going to happen?
Literally no good could come of that.
No good.
Only bad.
So you're doing something in a relationship where you know that what you're doing right now, it can't help your relationship.
It can only hurt.
It's just a matter of how much is it going to hurt.
And you decided to do it anyway.
And this is why people don't want to hear it, but the truth is, if you're in a relationship, especially if you're getting married or you are married, you shouldn't be having one-on-one hangout sessions with friends of the opposite sex.
People don't want to hear it, but it's true.
Take it from a guy who's been married for 10 years, okay?
If you do decide to do this anyway, though, you especially shouldn't be drinking and dancing as well.
You're just asking for trouble.
And just another point here, ladies, If a man is drinking with you, or even if he's not, and he asks you to dance, and he's not, like, related to you, but it's just a, quote, friend, it is 100% a sexual slash romantic thing.
Every single time, 100% of the time.
So, here's what I would say.
You're not responsible or mature enough to be in a relationship right now.
This is totally your fault, and it's also the guy's fault.
You both share 100% of the blame, so tell your boyfriend what you did.
If he leaves you, you deserve it.
And just try not to get raging sloppy drunk with some other dude the next time you're in a relationship.
So that's... Can you manage that?
It's kind of a low bar, but if you can get over that bar, I think you'll be fine.
Headline here is, my boyfriend sucks at gift-giving.
How do I approach him about it?
As the title said, my boyfriend sucks at gift giving.
Honestly, I don't care much about gifts, but sometimes I feel like if he could just tell me he doesn't know what to gift me for Christmas or birthday, for example, I wouldn't be as bothered.
Writing here is not stellar.
Examples of his gifts.
Him and I was long distance for a while.
Him and I was long distance.
Him and I was long distance for... They're not sending their best to Reddit.
They really aren't.
Him and I was long distance for a while because we were pursuing our education at different states.
Well, you should have pursued it harder than you did, ma'am.
We were pursuing our education at different states, and he'd tell me so much about this friendly stray dog outside of his dorm.
I love dogs, and every time I'd go and visit him, he'd always take me to pet the dog.
So for my birthday a few years ago, he decided to commission someone a portrait of this stray dog.
Yes, a dog I saw and pet maybe four times, whom I have no ownership, but I'm guessing since I was so eager, hearing about how cute it is means I want a portrait of it.
This is a college student.
This is a college-educated person.
This individual is spending $90,000 on an education, and she cannot even write a sentence.
He hyped it up as something I would really love, but when I saw his gift, I really tried my hardest to not look disappointed.
The amount he tipped the artist is the same price of commission, so like, I'd rather him spending that much money on me.
It felt like my birthday money was split with the artist, and that's just one example.
I'd say about 80% of his gifts for me are in the realm of, baby, I appreciate the thought, but why did you think I need this?
He's a very loving boyfriend, don't get me wrong, but it sucks when I put a lot of efforts into gift-giving and have something I don't even use or need in return.
I'm not exaggerating.
I knew he liked seals, so for one of his birthdays, I got him to see and pet a seal in person.
For another occasion, I purchased a big package from the World Wildlife Federation for him to adopt a seal and handmade him a seal plush.
And my favorite gift from him is still the scrapbook he made me.
Though very clumsily made and not organized, I still value it over any pricey arts he's commissioned that I have no use, so it's not like I need something super expensive.
So Reddit, what do I do?
Aside hire an English tutor.
How do I tell him that I don't really like the majority of his gifts?
I'm asking this because my birthday is in April and he already hyped me up about what I will get and I am just scared of another disappointing gift.
Okay.
My gosh.
A few problems here.
First of all, don't say you don't care about gifts.
Don't insult my intelligence.
Don't insult the intelligence of your boyfriend.
Don't say you don't care about gifts.
You obviously care about gifts.
You just rambled about it for 46 pages.
You care about gifts.
All women do.
I mean, all people do.
Most people do.
I mean, I don't really care.
I actually don't care about gifts, but I'm like a sociopath.
Most people who have regular human emotions do care about them, so that's the first thing.
Also, I mean, I'm not going to say that I would want a painting of a stray dog as a gift.
But it was thoughtful and it was expensive, so you should be grateful for that.
And your gift was what?
You took him to pet a seal?
How humiliating, how embarrassing must that have been for him?
Who wants to pet a seal?
I guarantee you he didn't want to do that, and you dragged him along to some, like, seal petting zoo, and there's a bunch of four-year-olds and your poor boyfriend petting the seal, like, yeah, this is great, babe, thanks so much for this.
And also, another thing, A stuffed animal?
Seal?
Once again, I guarantee you.
Now, I mean, I know masculinity is not what it used to be in this culture, but come on.
That is not his favorite gift.
I can tell you that right now.
So get your own house in order.
Don't throw stones when you live in a seal petting zoo.
Here's another one.
This is from a guy this time.
"I've been dating my girlfriend"
He's a 23 year old male.
"I've been dating my girlfriend, 24 year old female, for about 6 months now.
She's fairly active on Instagram with a couple accounts.
Her main account is about 2,000 followers.
I'm not too into Instagram, don't post often and have like 300 people on it.
Only following meme pages and friends.
I've started to notice that whenever she's feeling sh*tty or something bad happens,
she posts scandalous pictures on Instagram."
For example, she recently found out that she had to spend $2,200 on a dental issue that wasn't fully covered by insurance right after she posted a saucy picture.
I mean, who doesn't react to dental bills that way?
I cannot tell you how many times I've been to the dentist, they give me the bill, and I'm so frustrated I just strip all my clothes off.
We all have been there before.
It's a normal human reaction.
Another time we were in a sort of week-long disagreement about something, and at the worst point she posted a sexy pic of herself in lingerie.
I know she's really into her Instagram, and who doesn't like posting hot photos every now and then?
What concerns me is that she uses it as a coping mechanism to deal with sh**y things happening in her life.
It doesn't bother me too much right now, but it makes me worry about her potential future, if she's so quick to look for social media validation.
It feels like an unhealthy coping mechanism, but maybe I'm overthinking it.
How could I help her deal with things without relying on Instagram, or is this not something to even worry about?
Okay, so the options you're giving me right now is how do I help her deal with it, or should I not worry about it?
Let me give you option C, okay?
Go through door number three, leave her, dump her, kick her ass to the curb.
That's the option you should be taking.
She takes her clothes off as a coping mechanism.
Do you hear yourself right now?
This is your girlfriend.
Now let me ask you something.
How else do you think this girl is coping?
What other forms of coping is she doing?
Because I can tell you right now, she is now or she soon will be coping with the assistance of some guy she met at the gym.
Okay, she's going to meet some guy at the gym and they're going to be doing a lot of coping together.
A whole lot of coping between the two.
Lots of feeling happening.
Feeling of all types.
Coping and copping feels.
So have some self-respect.
A woman who undresses for other men or for the public Or for anyone, is not worth your time.
Self-respect.
Okay.
Um, finally.
The title here is my girlfriend is a poopoo head.
Please help.
She meows like a cat randomly and cries like a baby.
When threatened, she burrows into things and makes dramatic fainting noises.
What do I do?
She burrows into things when threatened.
Is she a gerbil?
Don't date gerbils.
That would really be my advice.
It's illegal in most states.
And unadvisable in all states, really.
So I'd say time to let this one go, as well.
You've made it to mammals.
Yeah, I'm trying to look at the silver lining.
So that's good progress.
You're on mammals.
But really, you want to stick with the human species, is what I would... I would recommend that.
I'm old-fashioned, I admit, but I'll leave my advice there.
Okay, so...
I think I just recommend it to everyone that they break up.
That's been my advice.
And I admit, look, if you aren't married and you aren't even engaged, I think ultimately breaking up is usually the best answer to most of your serious problems, because it's probably heading that way anyway.
And you're just dating, so it doesn't actually matter that much.
And you could break up like with a text message.
That's how unserious it is.
I don't recommend that, but you could.
So that's something to keep in mind.
I mean, don't do that, but you can.
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