Ep. 610 - Why I'm Not Cancelling My Thanksgiving Plans
Today on the Matt Walsh Show, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. This shouldn’t be necessary, it shouldn’t come to this, but I will offer my defense of celebrating Thanksgiving and explain why I will still be gathering with my family for the holiday. Also Five Headlines including the media going back into fawning mode now that they’re anticipating a Democrat in the White House. Also some employees at Random House apparently broke down in tears when they found out that the publisher was putting out a Jordan Peterson book. Is there ever any acceptable reason to cry at work? We’ll discuss. And in our Daily Cancellation, I will be canceling one of the most sinister groups in America: cyclists.
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Today on the Matt Wolf Show, Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and this shouldn't be necessary.
It shouldn't come to this, but I will offer my defense of celebrating Thanksgiving and explain why I'll still be gathering with my family for the holidays, and I don't see any problem with it at all.
In fact, I think it's the right thing to do.
Also, five headlines, including the media going back into fawning mode now that they're anticipating a Democrat in the White House.
Also, some employees at Random House apparently broke down in tears when they found out that the publisher was putting out a Jordan Peterson book.
Is there ever any acceptable reason to cry at work?
We'll talk about that.
And in our daily cancellation, I will be canceling one of the most sinister groups in America.
That would be cyclists.
All of that on the way.
Before we get to any of that, a quick word from LifeLock.
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Now, this week, of course, many of our nation's most dangerous fugitives will meet in their localized criminal cells to share in an illicit meal and plot to destroy human civilization.
That second part is immediately speculation.
As for the rest, the media, along with various governors across the country, And our trusted public health authorities have made it clear that anyone who gathers with their family for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year is engaging in something approaching biological terrorism.
So just for a taste of this fear-mongering, here's a compilation put together by Grabby and Media.
And this is just all the different people in the media explaining how dangerous it is to celebrate Thanksgiving.
Listen.
This Thanksgiving is going to suck a bit.
This is not some existential reality.
Cancel your plans if you absolutely do not need to travel somewhere.
Travel by car if you must travel.
I don't like it to be any number.
I like it to be keep it to your immediate household.
Eat all of the mashed potatoes by yourself.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Limit the number of people, do it outside, and wear your mask.
If you go over to a friend's house, mask up the whole time you're not eating or drinking.
If you're a college student, shelter in place for at least seven days once you arrive.
Separation should be the norm.
Avoiding direct contact, including handshakes and hugs.
Speak softer, because louder voices, shouting, screaming, actually singing, spreads the virus.
You can't test your way out of or into safety here.
You can't test your way into Thanksgiving dinner.
I mean, you just can't test your way to that table.
That's just not the way to do it.
You can't test your way into Thanksgiving dinner.
Having one person serve all the food, so multiple people are not handling the serving utensils.
And open the windows if you can, or have the air blowing out.
Do a lot of FaceTime or Zooming.
I'll be there virtually, but not personally.
A Zoom Thanksgiving is a lot better than an ICU Christmas.
Cancel your plans.
Cannot be more clear here.
Invite grandma?
This could be her last Thanksgiving?
Yeah, if you invite her to a place where she can get sick and die!
People who don't want to miss out on their next family event of Thanksgiving should watch that segment again.
Because what you really don't want is your next family event to be a funeral.
Yes, as you can hear, warnings have been issued with dramatic flair to keep our Thanksgiving celebrations relegated to our immediate households.
Eat all of your mashed potatoes by yourself, as we heard the one MSNBC talking head urge.
What you really don't want is for your next family event to be a funeral.
It's your family.
It's your home.
It's your table.
Now, some states have banned private gatherings of more than 10 people, pretending that every
home in America is the same size and has the same capacity.
Governor Cuomo, author of one of these bans, says that if you love your family, you'll
stay away from them.
And here is Governor Cuomo giving us a lecture on the true meaning of love.
It's your family.
It's your home.
It's your table.
These are all environments where you feel safe.
And that is the beauty of Thanksgiving.
I'm at home with my family.
I'm in my safe zone.
Your safe zone is not a safe zone.
Your safe zone is dangerous this year.
Please, love is sometimes doing what's hard.
This year, if you love someone, it is smarter and better to stay away.
Now, as per usual, Cuomo was not planning on following his own advice.
They never do.
He had invited his 89-year-old mother to his home for Thanksgiving.
Apparently, he doesn't love her, I guess.
Doesn't love his own mother.
At least according to his own logic.
But he reversed course on that and disinvited his mother after the public noticed and pointed out the hypocrisy.
Meanwhile, the CDC has issued its own guidelines recommending that everybody wear a mask at Thanksgiving.
Presumably, I don't know, I guess you would take the mask off to eat, at least.
Though perhaps you could keep it on in an attempt to absorb your food through a process of osmosis.
The CDC also asks that we keep our music down and talking to a minimum.
Lecturing the public like chaperones on a middle school field trip.
But, you know, the advice about keeping the music down around the holidays is pretty good, I think.
There's a real concern that if the coronavirus is forced to hear a song like Last Christmas by Wham!, it might decide to infect everyone in the house out of revenge.
It's science.
It has happened.
Yet, in spite of all these rules, laws, prohibitions, pleadings, warnings, a significant portion of Americans are still going about their Thanksgiving business as usual.
More than 3 million people traveled by plane this past weekend in the lead-up to the holiday.
Polls show that the media fear-mongering has successfully convinced many to forego or modify their plans, but that millions of others will still be seeing their families.
I will be in this latter group.
And although I resent the idea that gathering with my own family for a meal should require any defense at all, I will give one anyway.
I can't very well let the only psychotic grandma killers will-have-a-normal-Thanksgiving-this-year narrative be the only one presented.
So, here is why, in spite of the risk, however mild or severe it might be, I will still be celebrating with my family.
Two reasons, really, and they're very simple.
This is all it comes down to.
Number one.
And I want to be so clear about this.
I don't care what anyone in the media or the government says or thinks on the subject of Thanksgiving or any other subject for that matter.
The panic porn fails to make an impact with me and so many others because it's being pushed by people who have thoroughly discredited themselves.
Forfeited their credibility.
Lockdown governors and mayors attend birthday parties.
They dine maskless at restaurants while condemning or banning the same behavior from citizens.
BLM radicals riot in the streets.
Democrats dance in celebration after the election.
These activities are condoned, even encouraged, by the people now telling us that the only safe way to observe Thanksgiving is to sit alone at our empty table gorging on a family-sized portion of mashed potatoes.
Why should anything these people say matter?
Why should we pay it any mind at all?
Consider also that Walmarts and Targets and other big box retailers are going to be open for Black Friday shopping the day after Thanksgiving, as they have been open throughout the entire COVID crisis.
They never shut down.
We are expected to believe that, you know, cramming our carts full of consumer electronics and other junk made in China is a perfectly pandemic-safe activity.
And it's on this basis that the lockdowns have transferred billions of dollars from small businesses to these megacorporations, all of which have reaped enormous profits while smaller firms have been wiped out en masse.
And it's interesting to me, by the way, that You know, the people who are so critical of the evil corporations have said nothing about this historic transfer of wealth from small businesses and middle-class people to big corporations.
But what really makes Walmart safe, quote-unquote, is that it's a very rich, powerful, well-connected company.
It exerts its influence with those who make the rules in ways that your local shops on Main Street cannot.
So, Main Street cannot.
So, your local shops on Main Street are destroyed while Walmart, Amazon, and Target and others feast on their carcasses.
This, of course, process has been going on for many decades, but the lockdowns have accelerated the process to a staggering and catastrophic degree.
And it all underscores the point that, again, The people making the rules cannot be trusted and should not be taken seriously.
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Number two.
This is also important.
I am an adult capable of evaluating risk and making informed choices.
All of the COVID restrictions have rested on the premise that America is a land of children who cannot be trusted to act with any semblance of maturity or discernment.
And it may be true that a certain, unfortunately, large portion of Americans actually could be described that way.
A lot of them work in D.C.
as it happens.
Quite a few reside in governors' mansions.
But I know that I'm not one of them.
I know that, though I may not be able to say much else for myself, I am at least an adult with common sense.
I have that going for me, at least.
The whole point of being American and being free is that we're supposed to be treated as—not treated as one collective whole, but rather, we're meant to have the liberty to act as individuals.
The absolute best thing I can say for the COVID restrictions, to include the Thanksgiving stuff, Is that these are measures meant to restrict the absolute dumbest and least responsible people.
The sort of person who would be stupid enough to wake up with a fever and a bad cough and still have their 92-year-old grandmother over for dinner.
That's the sort of person who really causes the problem, right?
That's what we're really worried about.
They are where the danger lies.
The idea is to shut everyone down in order to stop that person.
But again, this is not how America is supposed to be governed.
And I know that I am not that person.
I know not to be around people if I'm sick, and that's the case COVID or not.
You got a fever?
You're coughing?
Don't go out.
Don't be with your family.
You're gonna spread a sickness.
I know that.
You know that.
I know to wash my hands.
I know to cough into my sleeve.
Not to cough in someone's face or just out into the open.
I know that, too.
Why should I operate according to rules designed for morons if I am not one myself?
By the way, the powers that be basically admitted that this was the strategy.
They initially told us not to wear masks, if you remember, and then they reversed course, and we were told that the initial messaging on masks was just to stop dumb people from hoarding all of them.
They were worried that stupid people would go out and buy all the masks for themselves.
So instead of telling us the truth, or what they perceive as the truth, they lied to everyone in order to stop the dumb people.
It's kind of a, you know, bomb the whole village to kill the terrorists hiding inside one of the huts strategy.
Which incidentally, with Biden in charge, we're sure to have a lot more wars and bombings.
And the media couldn't be more excited about that, by the way.
But that's neither here nor there.
At any rate, this is all perhaps academic anyway.
All that should really need to be said is that this is America.
I'm an American.
The government has no authority to tell me who can be in my house or whether I can be in someone else's house.
I do not respect the authority the government pretends to have on this front.
I don't respect it.
I don't trust its guidelines.
I don't care what it says.
It's sad that it's come to this, but that's where we are.
So now all that's left is to eat, drink, and have a happy Thanksgiving.
And that's what I intend to do.
I hope you do as well.
Let's get to our five headlines.
Before we get to our five headlines, listen, I think one thing we've learned this year is that anything could happen and, you know, things we aren't expecting.
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All right.
By the way, I brought my sons into work a couple days ago, and it just, you know, you put yourself back in the mind of a child, and nobody was here.
I had to come.
I left my computer charger here, so I came into the office.
Just to get it.
And I brought them with me because they wanted to see where Daddy works.
And so I brought them in.
And, you know, I'm showing them around, showing them the studio.
They don't really care about any of that.
The only thing they care about is that we walk through the break room and there's a jar of candy.
And they discover and are just overwhelmed by the revelation that there's candy at my work and I can eat as much candy as I want.
They still are talking about it.
They couldn't get enough of that.
And it just, it makes me, you know, it's the innocence of childhood.
And I can remember being a kid, and it reminded me, as a child, I used to think this.
I used to think, it's unbelievable.
As an adult, you can eat all the candy you want.
You can just eat candy all day.
And then you get older and as an adult you discover things like diabetes and, you know, all of that.
So that's sort of unfortunate.
Okay, let's move on to this.
If you forgot what it was like to have the media fawning over the president rather than telling us that he's the devil all the time, we'd be given a stark reminder in recent days what that's like as Joe Biden fills out his cabinet.
The media is just beside itself with glee over this.
Joe Biden is putting a bunch of mediocre career bureaucrats in charge again, and the media is ecstatic about it.
And they want us to be excited about these bureaucrats.
The bureaucrats are back.
Let's all throw a party.
One bizarre talking point, and you know how with the media, they'll settle on these talking points suspiciously all at once, and they all start saying the same thing, right?
So one thing they've settled on is that Joe Biden's cabinet, filled with political hacks, will somehow be not political.
Listen.
When I look at that group up there, and let's put John Kerry aside because, as we know, he was the Democratic nominee for president once, but they are not political.
They are just career people.
They have worked together for many years.
I remember Jake Sullivan at the side of Hillary Clinton when she was Secretary of State all the time.
And, as they say, they really do reflect America.
They are now being told that it is not going to be political, and Joe Biden is saying, these are people, this is a team who's going to tell me, this team will tell me what I need to know, not what I want to know.
That is a big change.
Yeah, that's obviously nonsense, but this is how they see it.
Because they see Democrats as being objectively right about everything, so there's nothing political about anything they say.
Whatever they say is just a fact.
It's not political.
Meanwhile, it gets way more fawning than that.
Just listen to this.
To talk about Joe Biden's empathy and humanity, to talk about diplomacy being back, it is all an implicit rebuke of Donald Trump's foreign policy stewardship over the last four years.
That's right.
And then just saying that they're going to do their job and be good stewards of America's role in this world and focus on American diplomacy, that in and of itself being a rebuke of President Trump underscores what we've all been living through in the last four years, which is a president who wanted to be more isolationist, who wanted to pull back.
What we saw today, I was sitting in that room in Wilmington, I was thinking about the fact that Joe Biden, in some ways, First supporters, fulfilling the promises that he made on the campaign trail.
He said he wanted to have a cabinet that looked like America, and there were people there on that stage, of course, talking about all of their different accolades and their experience, but they were also talking about their families who survived the holocaust, who survived coming from Cuba and playing communist, who talked about having gumbo diplomacy, cooking food, cooking southern food, as the United Nations ambassador was saying.
Superheroes.
They're superheroes.
about it just melting pot. The other thing I'll just say is I was talking to a Democrat
who just said this also felt like the Avengers. It felt like we're being rescued from this
craziness that we've all lived through from the last four years and now here are the superheroes
to come and save us all. Superheroes, they're superheroes.
But yes, I'm sure we can rely on these people to be objective and to tell us the truth and
all the stuff we've heard over the last four years about truth to power and everything like that.
Holding those in power accountable, Democracy dies in darkness.
We need the media truth-tellers.
You know, all that stuff we heard four years ago.
All out the window right away.
And now it's the people in charge are superheroes.
Right.
The problem for the media, and I don't think they've fully come to terms with this yet, but The fawning coverage, telling us that bureaucrats are superheroes.
Not only is that disgraceful and dishonest, but the bigger problem for them is that it's boring.
Nobody wants to sit and listen to you defend the government and tell us how great they all are.
That's not nearly as fun to hear, and so the ratings crash for the media is going to be extraordinary.
And I don't think they've fully come to terms with that yet, but that's one of the reasons why, I mentioned before, You know, they're excited about bringing some of these war hawks and people back onto the scene.
You know, what they say about, we're going to be involved in the world again.
And what Joe Biden said a few weeks ago about he's going to let the rest of the world know that America is back.
What they really mean, not so thinly veiled, is we're going to be starting wars again.
And the media is excited about that.
You know, because that'll get the ratings up again.
Donald Trump is great for the ratings.
If Donald Trump is gone, next best thing, have some wars.
And that's what the media wants.
Okay, this is from the Daily Wire.
It says, Penguin Random House Canada has contracted with psychology professor Jordan Peterson to release his forthcoming book, Beyond Order, 12 More Rules for Life, on March 20, 2021.
The development has reportedly also upset some staffers at the publishing house.
According to Vice News, which spoke to four employees at Penguin Random House Canada, the publishing house held a town hall-style meeting where staff members aired their grievances about Peterson in the upcoming book.
Some even cried about it.
They were crying about Jordan Peterson at work.
One employee told Vice that people were crying in the meeting about how Jordan Peterson has affected their lives.
And noted that one person at the meeting also claimed that their father had been radicalized by the self-help professor.
The employee said, the company since June has been doing all these anti-racist and allyship things, and then publishing Peterson's book completely goes against this.
It just makes all of their previous efforts seem completely performative.
In an interview with Vice, another employee called Peterson an icon of white supremacy, and as such suggested that the content of his book doesn't matter.
Okay, a couple of things here.
First of all, you know, I'm not an expert in the publishing business, but I do know that the vast majority of books that a publisher like Random House puts out don't make any money.
They make all their money from a few books that are put out every year.
A book like Jordan... Jordan Peterson's book is gonna sell, you know, a billion copies or whatever.
They make all their money from this.
And so, in other words, if these idiots actually succeeded in stopping their publishing house from publishing Jordan Peterson, a lot of them are gonna lose their jobs.
Because that's how they're getting paid this year, is from that Jordan Peterson book and a couple of other books.
Of course, they don't realize that because they don't even understand their own business because they're morons.
But the other thing, the main thing, of course, is this is just a good tip for all employers, I think.
If you have someone crying at work, I think, and this could be a delicate situation, best way to handle it Is to, you know, take them by the shoulder, lead them into your office, if you're the employer, if you're their boss, and sit them down, you know, hand them a tissue, and just, and I would just, and I would just look at them with very kind eyes and say, get the hell out of here, you embarrassing baby.
You're fired.
And then the next step, the next really important step is, especially if they're crying about Jordan Peterson, make sure to gather all of the other employees You know, while that person gets their box of stuff together, have all the other police stand and just, and as they're walking out, point and laugh as they walk out in tears.
That's the appropriate response to somebody crying at work.
Completely unacceptable in general to cry at work over something like this, especially so.
Now I did say this on Twitter yesterday, and I was informed by some women that, you know, to have a rule of no crying at work is unfair to women, because, you know, women have to cry every once in a while at work.
It happens.
And I understand that, so I think what the rules should be, and I'm going to talk to HR here at DeliWire about this, because of course they care about what I think the rules should be.
So I think what the rules should be is, men, you can never cry at work, period.
You cry at work, you're done.
And you're fired and you're banished from all jobs in the future.
But for women, you can cry once per fiscal quarter.
And so what I would say is plan ahead, just make it count.
If you feel like you want to have additional cries, you can apply for a waiver ahead of time with HR, and it'll take three to five business days to process.
And when that comes through, you can have your cry.
So I think those are what the rules should be.
All right.
Article from CNN here.
I guess looking on the bright side, the headline is, COVID might mean fewer family political fights over Thanksgiving.
And I'm not even going to bother to read this, because it doesn't matter.
But you see this every single year, and a little bit of a different twist on it this year.
But usually you get these articles every year about how to survive Thanksgiving with your conservative uncle, how to navigate political fights, how to avoid political arguments at Thanksgiving, all these kinds of articles.
And now we're supposed to say, oh, well, it's good we're not having Thanksgiving, because then we don't have the political arguments.
I don't get it.
Like, this is the whole fun of Thanksgiving, isn't it?
Am I crazy, or is everybody else?
I always find myself asking that.
For me, this is the whole fun of it.
You get your family together, and, you know, you eat something.
You eat a meal, and you argue about politics, or theology, or, like, anything.
But you gotta have some kind of debate, some kind of argument.
How boring would your family have to be if you don't have any political arguments?
And this is where people say, well, the things you never talk about—religion and politics.
That's all I talk about.
What the hell else would you talk about?
Sports?
I guess we could throw that in.
So yeah, sure, you talk—other than that, what else is there to talk about?
I'm just—I'm so grateful I'm not in the same family as so many of these people that have this attitude.
Number four.
So, Eric Garcetti, mayor of Los Angeles, far-left wacko.
And he's another mayor who's completely bought in, of course, to the leftist racial narrative.
He's bent over backwards for BLM and rioters, letting them do whatever they want, like all other Democrat mayors, of course.
So he's done all that, and he's been mayor for, I don't know, I think five or six years or something.
Let's check in with BLM to see how they're thanking him for his efforts.
How's it going over with them?
How are they thanking him?
Let's listen.
Here it is.
I want to be real clear.
What he's attempting to do for his entire reign as mayor is silence black voices.
Well, that answers the question.
No surprise there.
He wants us to be silent as he continues to feed a police department that is one of the
most murderous in the entire nation.
Well that answers the question.
No surprise there.
And you probably picked up from context clues, but the bleeped out word they were saying
F Eric Garcetti chanting it into a bullhorn.
I think what they, those are BLM protesters protesting again.
And they were trying to ensure, I believe, that Eric Garcetti is not appointed to any positions in Joe Biden's White House.
Because Eric Garcetti's racist.
He's an ally of white supremacists.
This far-left, wacko mayor of Los Angeles is basically a Nazi himself.
Once again, we see that there is no satisfying the left.
You cannot satisfy them.
No matter what you do, you can't satisfy them.
And you could say that there's, you know, you have sort of some of that on both sides where you've got the ideological purists who are never happy and are always going to be critical of you.
But that's not real.
On the right, you know, it is possible.
I mean, I'm kind of one of those ideological purists.
And yeah, I do hate most politicians, even on our own side.
But, at the same time, it is possible on the right to, you know, a public figure, a politician, a president, a mayor, whatever, you know, could basically do the right thing, and we can basically be satisfied with that.
Maybe not completely satisfied, but we could say, alright, you know, you're on the right path here.
On the left, though, no.
There's nothing you can do.
It does not matter.
They will never, ever be happy.
But of course guys like Eric Garcetti will continue trying.
Finally, reading from Gizmodo, we had to, before I guess the year wraps up, we had to have another potential alien Alien-related news, and so here we have this, and you can look at it if you're watching on the video right now.
Officers from the Utah Department of Public Safety discovered a shiny metallic monolith in rural Utah's Red Rock country on November 18th while surveying bighorn sheep by helicopter.
The monolith has drawn comparisons to the black monolith in Stanley Kubrick's 1968 film 2001 A Space Odyssey, and the helicopter crew said there's no obvious indication of who may have placed the object there.
The Utah agency published photos and videos to its website showing the team's investigation of the strange-looking object.
The monolith appears to have three sides and measures roughly 10 to 12 feet high, according to the people who found it.
The crew did note that it's firmly planted in the ground and didn't appear to have been dropped from above.
So, the article goes on from there.
You can look at the footage of it.
They were surveying.
They were in helicopters.
And they happen to spot this thing out in the middle, they're not telling us where it is because they don't want sightseers.
It's out like way out in the wilderness and they don't want people going to try to find it and dying of starvation on the way.
But it's somewhere out in the wilderness and this thing is there, 10-12 feet high, this big metallic structure.
I saw this on, I don't know if this is true or not, but I did see on Twitter, so I'm going to report potentially fake news.
There are some pictures going around on social media claiming, you know, people have been reviewing satellite data and stuff going back over the years, and the claim is that this thing has been there for like five or six years.
And nobody knows how it got there.
And this is the first time someone noticed it.
Kind of interesting.
To me, though, if we're going to come up with theories, it clearly looks to me to be an alien port-a-potty.
You know, the aliens brought it here because it's a long trip.
Makes sense.
You got to have somewhere to do your business.
And then they came and they set up their port-a-potty.
They went out for a hike or something around the desert, checking things out.
Came back and found the earthlings climbing all over their outhouse.
And they just sort of looked at each other and slowly backed away, got on their spaceships and left.
That's my scientific theory based on the data, but maybe eventually we'll find out who put it there and why.
For a daily cancellation, you know, you always hear people talking about gold and how it's so important to hedge your investments with gold, which sounds great, but the problem is that it involves buying gold, which is expensive, if you haven't heard.
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One other note, as we get to our final daily cancellation before the Thanksgiving break, and as Thanksgiving is almost here and we're getting ready for Black Friday, after that, We had a Black Friday deal here at The Daily Wire last year, and it was a huge success.
But we've been consistently adding more features and products to our membership program.
We're really excited about all the stuff we're adding.
So to name a few things, we've added more exclusive Reader's Pass content.
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So today we're going to cancel this man, Ryan Dorsey, and all his kind, all his ilk.
He's a Baltimore City Council member, I should say.
And I don't mean that kind.
That's not the kind I'm referring to.
Though, sure, we can cancel the Baltimore City Council, I guess.
Why not?
They really haven't been doing much good recently.
And by recently, I mean for the past, I don't know, five decades or so.
But that's not the point today.
The point is this tweet from Dorsey, and there's a picture there of a FedEx truck in a bike lane
in the city, and it says, quote, hey FedEx, I told your driver here to get out of the bike
lane he was obstructing, which I happen to be biking in.
His response was, get a car.
Now, needless to say, this FedEx driver is awesome.
Ryan Dorsey, on the other hand, is the lamest dork this side of Justin Trudeau.
Not only is he riding a bike and bitching at a delivery guy, but after the delivery guy verbally backhands him, he posts his own humiliation on social media, thinking he'll get sympathy from the public rather than the relentless mockery and scorn he deserves.
Quick tip here, even for people who aren't lame dorks, When the internet has to choose between sympathy or scorn, it will always choose scorn.
Always.
So, keep that in mind.
Or learn it the hard way, as Ryan Dorsey has.
But, this behavior is what I would expect from Dorsey, given that he is a cyclist.
Cyclists, and I mean those who ride bikes on the street, and you know, streets, those things where cars go, Those kinds of cyclists are a cursed breed.
They are among the worst people on earth.
The absolute dregs of humanity.
No offense intended.
Every time I'm driving down a busy street and traffic is backed up for miles because everyone has to navigate around some weirdo on a bike, I am perplexed anew.
How is this even legal?
I think to myself.
Why are we allowing people to ride their bikes on roads where cars are supposed to go?
Now, I get that you want to exercise.
That's fine.
But why are you exercising in the damned street during rush hour?
I like to exercise, too.
I'm not going to set up a bench press on the freeway.
I'm not going to take an ab roller down to the nearest intersection.
Hey, give me a minute.
I got three more sets, alright?
Hold on.
Why won't I do that?
Because I'm not a lunatic.
And I care about other people.
Sort of.
At least, I'm not going to go out of my way to make their commute longer and more stressful than it already is.
I'm not going to do that.
Cyclists do that.
Now what gets me about the bike riders is their sense of entitlement.
It's not just that they have the audacity to play with their toy in the street.
It's that they get angry at you for being there.
They act like you are inconveniencing them.
They act like you just jumped on the same elliptical that they were using at the gym.
But the street is not your elliptical.
It's a street.
If you want an elliptical, go use an elliptical.
And if you want to play with your bike, go to a park or a bike trail in the woods.
Or maybe Daddy can take you down to the tennis courts near the playground so you can ride your big wheel around.
Maybe that.
Or better yet, ditch the bike and be an adult.
Find a hobby that isn't as likely to make you a victim of vehicular manslaughter.
Just a thought.
Now, I know I'll be told that some people use bikes as transportation, not as toys or exercise equipment.
Fine.
But the street is for a certain type of transportation.
Vehicle transportation.
If you can use your bike as transportation on the street, then why can't I use a pogo stick?
Why can't I pogo down to work?
Maybe the city can build me a pogo lane.
Just for me.
You know, why can't I take this office chair right here?
It's got wheels.
I just roll it down the highway.
Why can't I go out to 10th Avenue and do cartwheels for five blocks?
It's just transportation.
Hey, this is how I get to work, all right?
I cartwheel to work.
We all have our methods.
Why not?
Because, again, that would be insane.
And the road isn't made for it.
The road, in fact, is made so that 5,000 pound hunks of metal can fly down them at high speeds.
That's what it's there for.
It's not made so that middle-aged vegetarians in spandex shorts can burn off some calories on the way to work.
Commuting is not a time for burning calories anyway.
That's the other annoying thing.
The rest of us are jamming donuts into our fat faces while we sit in traffic and stew in our own body fat and misery, and you're riding by all brisk and healthy and happy.
It's irritating.
Especially around Thanksgiving.
And it's grotesque.
And it's dangerous.
And it's an inconvenience to me.
So, cyclists are cancelled.
Take an Uber next time.
No more bikes.
They're not allowed.
That's it.
And on that note, hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving with your families, and I'll talk to you next week.
Have a great day.
Godspeed.
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Joe Biden promises amnesty for 11 million illegal aliens, the media deny that Biden's cabinet will be political, and half the country doesn't plan to take the coronavirus vaccine.
