Today on the Matt Walsh Show, Democrats are out in force, fully trying to undermine confidence in a coronavirus vaccine even before it’s been released. And these are the people who constantly preach about trusting science and experts. Also Five Headlines including Biden retreating to his basement once again as the Hunter Biden scandal continues to explode. And a rapper releases a hot new joint confessing to unemployment fraud. He now faces 22 years in prison. And in our Daily Cancellation, I’ll explain why phone calls must be canceled, once and for all.
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Today on the Matt Wall Show, Democrats are out in force, fully trying to undermine confidence in a coronavirus vaccine, even before it's been released.
They're already trying to undermine confidence.
And these are the people who constantly preach about trusting science and trusting the experts.
Also, five headlines, including Joe Biden retreating to his basement once again as the Hunter Biden scandal continues to explode.
And a rapper releases a hot new joint, as the kids would say, I think, confessing to unemployment fraud.
He now faces 22 years in prison for unemployment fraud.
And in our daily cancellation, I will cancel phone calls.
All phone calls are canceled, and I'll explain why.
All that on the way.
But we begin with a trip down memory lane.
You know, there was a time, you may remember, many, many moons ago, when we embarked on a 15-day quest to slow the spread.
15 days to slow the spread.
That was the slogan.
Those were our marching orders, except they weren't really Marching orders, because we weren't marching, we were sitting in our homes, hiding under our beds.
But they said, the main thing is just to stay home, social distance.
Oh, and whatever you do, don't wear a mask, you idiots.
And then 15 days passed, and the orders changed.
Never mind, they said, we'll have to stay locked down until Easter.
Then Easter came and went, and they said, never mind, let's keep this going for another month.
We're having fun, why not?
Then another month passed, and they said, never mind, actually, we meant two months.
Oh, and by the way, I know we yelled at you earlier not to wear a mask, but now we've decided that you have to, and if you don't, you're a murderer and not welcome in polite society.
And then three months came and went, and still the country was under various different restrictions and mask mandates.
We started hearing that, in fact, we might have to wait until a vaccine arrives before we can fully get back to our lives and carry on like normal human beings again in a functioning society.
Some of the most optimistic and maybe naive among us may have thought that, okay, well, until there's a vaccine, that has to be the last goalpost shift.
The last, wait, nevermind.
It's gotta be the last.
Surely once there's a vaccine, at least, after however many months or years of being forced to live like every stranger we meet is radioactive, surely once there's a vaccine, that'll be over.
Surely.
But no.
No, you silly fools.
There is infinite space in which to maneuver these goalposts.
They can be moved and shifted indefinitely for all eternity.
Which brings us to the latest change.
That now, even with a vaccine, we may still have to be under restrictions because we can't trust the vaccine.
And this we-can't-trust-the-vaccine stuff is not just coming from the once-maligned anti-vax crowd, but from the very people who were doing the maligning of the anti-vax crowd.
Case in point, Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York.
Now, Governor Cuomo, who consigned many thousands of elderly in his state to death by sending infected patients into nursing homes, and who then, even while the pandemic is still happening, decided to write a book bragging about his stellar leadership throughout it, that same Governor Cuomo, who could make a claim for himself, I think, as the most evil and certainly shameless politician in America, was on ABC last night and had this to say about vaccines.
Listen.
How confident are you in the approval process of the FDA right now?
Well, first, how confident am I?
I'm not that confident, but my opinion doesn't matter.
I don't believe the American people are that confident.
You're going to say to the American people now, here's a vaccine.
It was new.
It was done quickly.
But trust this federal administration and their health administration that it's safe.
And we're not 100% sure of the consequences.
I think it's going to be a very skeptical American public about taking the vaccine, and they should be.
So what's it going to take to convince you that it's safe, that it's effective, that it should be distributed?
Well, what I said I'm going to do in New York is we're going to put together our own group of doctors and medical experts to review the vaccine and the efficacy and the protocol.
And if they say it's safe, then I'll go to the people of New York and I will say it's safe.
With that credibility, but I believe all across the country you're going to need someone other than this FDA and this CDC saying it's safe.
This is of course is in keeping with what many Democrats have said, though Cuomo is a bit more direct in his politicization of vaccines than other Dems like Biden have been.
And remember, again, there was a time when everything you just heard in that clip would have been dismissed by people like Cuomo as anti-vax conspiracy mongering.
And that time was all time until 12 seconds ago.
And what is he even claiming here?
That the scientists behind the theoretical coronavirus vaccine would put something out there, something dangerous or ineffective, just to satisfy Trump?
Now, I'm openly skeptical of the reliability of some of the so-called experts, but even I wouldn't make that claim.
After all, merely from a self-interest standpoint, they would want the vaccine to be safe because putting out a bad vaccine on purpose would at a minimum ruin your career if not land you in jail.
So, this attack on the so-called experts from Cuomo goes much, much further than anything you hear from other people like Trump. And this is the same guy, Cuomo,
who's told us, lectured us ad nauseam to believe the science, trust the scientists, trust the
experts, and so on and so on.
In fact, in this same interview, a few moments later, he outright says that we cannot trust
the experts at the FDA and the CDC. Listen. The CDC, George, and the FDA doesn't have any
You have Dr. Fauci now saying that they basically tried to muzzle him.
He has the highest credibility in the nation on this issue.
And then, not only is the vaccine safe, this administration is learning nothing from the past.
What they're saying is the day we get the vaccine, that's when it ends.
That's not true.
The day we get the vaccine, we then have to prove to the American people it's safe.
We then have to administer millions of doses.
And that is a massive undertaking that this administration hasn't even talked about and is going to take months.
And if it's not done right, we'll be a debacle like back in January and February when we made so many mistakes with this COVID virus.
No credibility?
Really?
No credibility?
Now, I'm not going to sit here and say that the CDC does have credibility on this.
I'm not here defending the credibility of the CDC.
That's not my point.
Cuomo is the one who's been preaching about trusting the experts.
And now he says the CDC has no credibility?
Well, if so, why did we lock down at all?
Why are we still under restrictions?
Why are we listening to them on masks?
Do they have credibility or not, Cuomo?
The answer for him is that they have credibility when it's politically convenient for them to have credibility.
Just like the vaccine will be effective and safe if and when it is politically convenient for it to be so.
Like if it's released under a President Biden.
Look, there are perfectly valid questions you could raise about a potential vaccine that's rushed through and given to the public.
Usually these things take years.
A vaccine that hypothetically is developed in mere months?
Could raise legitimate questions.
And if that's all that Cuomo and his ilk were saying, that would be one thing.
But that's not their point.
For them, it's all about Donald Trump.
And Joe Biden has said that explicitly.
I trust vaccines.
I trust scientists.
But I don't trust Donald Trump.
And at this moment, the American people can't either.
I trust vaccines, but I don't trust Donald Trump.
Well, what does Donald Trump have to do with anything?
Trump isn't the one working on the vaccine.
He isn't the one doing the tests.
He doesn't have anything to do with it.
Why say, I trust the vaccines, but I don't trust Donald Trump?
Well, because he's trying to leave himself an opening for disputing the efficacy and safety of a vaccine should one come out during Trump's time in office, which, remember, Could be another four years.
What if Trump wins re-election and a vaccine comes out in, say, May or something?
Will Democrats discourage people from taking it for four years just to avoid giving credit to Trump?
You would like to say that such a thing would be unthinkable, but it's not unthinkable.
As they have shown time and again for the Democrats, there is no low that is too low.
There is no depth to which they will not sink, all for the sake of power and control.
That's what we're facing, which is something to keep in mind when you cast your vote on election day.
Let's get to our five headlines.
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All right, so CBS News correspondent Ed O'Keefe reports that Joe Biden has called a lid on the whole week until Thursday night at the next debate.
We're not going to see him again, apparently, until the debate, O'Keefe says.
Joe Biden still has not answered any questions about the New York Post's multiple reports about Biden's son, Hunter, and the laptop.
Not just one, multiple laptops.
It's gotta be difficult to lose one laptop, but this guy has lost laptops all across the globe.
He's been globetrotting, like Johnny Appleseed or something, just dispersing laptops apparently.
But we haven't heard anything from Biden officially on this.
Denying it if it was if these now we've heard from some people on the left and people in the media trying to run cover for them and Some other elected Democrats saying this is all a Russian.
This is a this is a Russian misinformation campaign Well, if that was the case if they were if these were just fabricated made up emails Fabricated out of whole cloth.
This is nothing but but fantasy and fiction and Then Biden will come out right away and say, this is completely made up.
This is crazy.
And if there was reason to think that the Russians were involved, then Biden would say that too.
But he hasn't.
He hasn't said anything.
And he has been asked.
Now, in fairness to him, he hasn't been asked that much.
So it's not like he's had his feet to the fire.
But he has been asked a couple times.
In fact, he stopped for a milkshake over the weekend.
And the first question he was asked is what flavor milkshake he got.
Because this is the kind of media we have.
But after that, he was asked about the emails, and here's how that went.
Just wave it away.
Wave the question away.
I don't have time to talk about this.
Ask me something important, like what I'm going to have for lunch after the, or, you know, what am I going to have for breakfast tomorrow?
We'll talk about that.
What am I gonna put in my omelet tomorrow?
Why don't you ask me that?
What are you asking me about this for?
So it's that easy.
If you're a Democrat, it's that easy.
But now this means that Biden will have to, whatever excuse he's gonna come up with for this,
he's gonna have to give it for the first time live at the debate.
Now, true, the moderator is not going to press him on it, but Trump will talk about it, so Biden will have to say something.
He's not going to be able to get through the whole debate not even acknowledging this.
He's going to have to give some kind of answer.
And whatever the excuse is, he's going to be debuting that excuse, that talking point, live on national TV with an aggressive opponent standing right next to him.
This seems to me like an incredibly foolish political strategy.
Now, you know, who am I to give advice, especially to a Democrat, but it seems to me if these emails are real, which there's no reason to think they aren't, if I'm in the Biden camp, What I'm going to do is I'm going to come out like right now and say, yes, they're real.
You know, come up with whatever excuse you want.
Hunter Biden comes out, gives a tearful apology.
And you come up with, it doesn't matter, just some BS.
You can come up with whatever BS excuse you want, especially because you know the media is going to be on your side.
And then, but the point is, you just, you get it all out there now.
And then you've got two weeks before the election and you hope that people forget about it by then, which they probably will because, as I always talk about, people forget about everything.
That would be the smart strategy.
But they're not going with that.
Instead, they're dragging this out and they're going to have Joe Biden address it directly at the debate for the first time.
Alright, well.
Another reason to tune in.
Should be fun to watch.
Number two.
And I say this, by the way, I say this as someone who I think the emails are, of course, important and relevant, and they potentially expose corruption.
So they matter.
They actually do matter.
But I'm skeptical about how much they'll matter in the minds of the average voter.
And I'm also, I'm a little bit worried, and I could be wrong.
I always take the pessimistic approach, as you know.
So, I'm not looking for the silver lining.
I'm looking for the dark cloud, you know, that the silver lining is encompassing.
So, from the dark cloud approach, I do worry whether, with two weeks left in the campaign, is this the best closing argument?
Should this be the final argument against Biden?
Should it be something focused around Hunter Biden, his loser scumbag son?
Even though it involves Joe Biden too, allegedly.
Is it best for this to be the closing argument?
Or what we have been hearing from the Trump campaign, which is that Joe Biden is a Trojan horse for the far left.
We talk about the riots, we talk about all this kind of stuff, anti-police, everything else.
Now yeah, you could do both, but sort of one thing or the other has to be your primary focus, especially with only two weeks left.
I tend to still think that the most important thing, the thing that's going to be most persuasive to voters, and that's the easiest to understand, is the fact that he's a Trojan horse for the far left.
Which is also true, by the way.
And important.
I'm not really sure.
Number two, there was another protest over the weekend, of course, this one I think in Boston.
And here's a protester, anti-Trump protester, apparently pretending to eat a heart, a bleeding heart.
Just watch.
Jalima! Jalima! Jalima! Jalima!
Jalima!
Aaaaaah!
Aaaaaah!
Woooooo!
I'm on fire!
Oh, yeah, it's fine.
Don't worry.
It's okay.
Calima!
Calima!
You're a chaos goddess.
You're a Christ.
Chaos!
Make America great again.
Oh, make America great again!
Woo!
F***ing Nazis!
Grace to the Chaos God!
12!
Oh, f*** hell!
F*** Trump! F*** Trump!
Motherfucker!
Oh, Jesus.
Super f****** fun!
I'm gonna burn the f***!
Stop.
You're happy!
Woo!
Woo!
Yeah!
At the bar, don't look!
Okay, so this is either mental illness or drug abuse or demonic possession or perhaps a combination of all three.
Maybe we don't have to choose.
We joke about Trump derangement syndrome and how Trump has literally driven the left insane, but the truth is that these people were already insane.
They were driven insane, many of them from their own sense of entitlement and their own narcissism.
That's what's driven them insane.
What that means is they simply cannot psychologically handle being in a position where things are not going exactly as they like and want.
And that's where Donald Trump comes in.
Because they hate him so much.
And they were so sure that he shouldn't be president.
And then he became president and they couldn't handle it.
That's why the classic clip of the woman on her knees screaming no at the sky.
What is that?
It's just she cannot deal with this.
And this is what we're seeing from the left.
So entitled, so narcissistic, they have a psychological break when something happens that they really, really don't want to happen.
Number three, Democratic Senator Chris Coons on CNN on Sunday is the latest to come out and explicitly threaten to add seats to the court.
The Supreme Court.
Speaking of having a psychological break because things are happening that you don't want, if he doesn't get his way in the Barrett confirmation fight, this is the threat that he's making.
Listen.
If Barrett is confirmed and Democrats win back the Senate, would you vote to expand the number of justices on the Supreme Court if it came up for a vote?
Is that something you'd be in favor of?
Well, Jake, like Joe Biden, I'm not a fan of expanding the court, but we have a few weeks here to see whether there are four Republicans who will step back from this precipice.
It is President Trump who has pressed for this nominee so he can have a key vote to overturn the Affordable Care Act in the middle of a pandemic.
It is the Republican majority that's responsible for racing forward with this extreme, unqualified nominee, unqualified because of her extreme judicial philosophy.
So you oppose?
And that's who should be bearing the brunt at the ballot box in this election, that they're
doing this to get someone on the court just in time a week after the election to take
away critical health care protections from a majority of Americans.
We need to focus on that.
So you oppose.
And then if we happen to be in the fact pattern where we have a President Biden, we'll have
to look at what the right steps are to rebalance our federal judiciary.
So your mind is open about adding justices to the Supreme Court?
Just your mind is open?
Yes.
Your mind's open, okay.
You know, I think one of the most shocking things about 2020, probably the most shocking thing of everything, is that this confirmation fight has, and maybe I'm speaking too soon because the final vote is until Thursday, I guess, but so we still have a few days for this to change.
But as of right now, This confirmation fight has been really easy and smooth.
We were all predicting a knock-down, drag-out, fight-to-the-death kind of situation, and it hasn't been that.
Yeah, they've gone after Amy Coney Barrett, but just with the standard stuff, Handmaid's Tale comparisons, that sort of thing.
So just really standard leftist talking points, nothing too serious, and that's been it.
A big part of that is because Amy Coney Barrett is that bulletproof of a nominee.
But also it makes me, again, going with the pessimistic angle, it makes you a little suspicious.
And then you realize, well, why is it going so smooth?
Because I think the Democrats, they're being coy about it, but they fully intend to go with the, to pack the court.
I think they fully intend to do that now.
And that's why they're cutting their losses here and they're saying, well, we can't stop it anyway.
Uh, there's no sense in coming off like psychotic lunatics any more than we already do just in our day to day lives.
So we're just going to let this kind of happen because we know what we're going to do when we're in power.
All right.
Um, number four, many reports in the media claiming that the owner of the Redskins, well, the, the then Redskins told the cheerleading coach, That he has to keep the cheerleaders skinny and with big breasts.
Only he didn't say breasts.
But Dan Snyder, the owner, said that they have to be skinny and that way or the cheerleader coach will be killed.
Now I think we can assume the or I'll kill you part of it was not meant to be taken literally.
And assuming that, the rest isn't much of a controversy, right?
Of course you want the professional cheerleaders to be skinny and busty.
I mean, as opposed to what?
But the interesting thing is that the media headlines are about this alleged comment from Daniel Snyder about him body shaming or whatever.
But it comes as part of a larger report that, among other things, the Redskins allegedly produced lewd videos of the cheerleaders, and the videos were created and disseminated to someone without the cheerleaders' knowledge.
Now, apparently, the other claim is that the women may have signed a contract giving the team permission to make whatever kind of video they wanted, so they might not have a legal leg to stand on in any kind of lawsuit.
But even so, it's interesting to me that that's the story, and you would think that would be the headlines?
Instead, the media is making headlines about mean comments from Daniel Snyder.
The mean words of the headline, not the potential alleged softcore porn video made allegedly without the permission of the women involved.
So you see where priorities of the media go.
Okay, number five, finally.
I've been biding time waiting for this.
This is my favorite.
This is my favorite story of the year, perhaps.
A rapper who goes by the name Nuke Bizzle recently released a song called EDD, where he bragged about getting rich off of fraudulent unemployment claims.
And he has now been arrested.
For filing fraudulent unemployment claims.
He's accused specifically of access device fraud, aggravated identity theft, and interstate transportation of stolen property.
Bases up to 22 years in prison.
Um, after being apparently mailed 92 debit cards, loaded with collectively over a million dollars in benefits that he then turned around and used, uh, I think at least half of it.
Uh, so he, he, he did all this now.
Now this is, You can almost see where he's coming from a little bit, because rappers routinely brag in their music about committing crimes.
So I think Nuke Bizzle figured, well, I mean, they brag about it, so why can't I?
But the problem is that he bragged very specifically about a particular crime that's easily proven.
See, if you're gonna do this as a rapper, brag about committing crimes, you have to be a lot more vague than that.
Like, you can say that you've killed a bunch of people, But if there's a specific open investigation into a murder, and you confess to it by name in a rap song, and even film yourself dancing around with a murder weapon, probably you're gonna go to jail.
And that was the mistake.
Kind of subtle, but that was the mistake that Nuke Bizzle made.
Anyway, I know you're hoping and praying right now that I'll play the song for you, and your prayers will be answered.
Without further ado, here is the great artist Nuke Bizzle with his masterpiece, And he paid dearly for this song, so I think we should all enjoy it and appreciate his sacrifice.
But here's his masterpiece, EDD.
Listen.
Your card now has been activated and is ready for use.
Please hold while I obtain the information on this account.
As of August 29, 2020, the available time on this account is 21 hours and 32 hours.
You know, 2020 the unbelievable.
E.D.
here.
Shout out.
I just been swiping for E.D.D.
Go to the bank, get a stack at least.
This s**t look better than selling peas.
There's some red that I couldn't believe.
Ten cars, that's 200 bucks.
I got a shot at the Donald Trump.
I just might swipe me a loan, so.
I'm in New York having money fun.
I ain't got rich, I'm an E.D.D.
I ain't hear no mother f**kers on E.D.D.
And just last night I was selling P's And I just woke up to 300 G's
Go 60K off of SBA Each time I ball like the NBA Ten cars on swimming to K a day Can't even build a little
CPA You gotta sell cocaine I can defile a claim
Rats coming straight to the bank I'm doing s*** 2K F*** on smart and you ain't EDD scale and it's tellin' you
heard about I be so happy to certify Get on that laptop I'm workin' out
Been 25 clans in 4 hours She changed my life and I gotta admit it
I swear I'da had it in a minute You didn't tell me I could've Wait on the email and get certified for a 20 Damn, this s***
better than dealing Y'all turn me into a scammer creep
Now I think the main guy you just heard there, full disclosure, was not Nuke Bizzle
The YouTube video says it's Nuke Bizzle featuring Fat Whizza, a rapper named Fat Whizza.
Now, I don't want to engage in stereotypes or body shaming myself, but I'm assuming that the first gentleman rapping in the video was Fat Whizza, given that he's, well, Fat.
But, in any case, notice the lyrics.
What 12 or 13% of them I could actually understand.
He says, You gotta sell cocaine.
I can just file a claim.
I'm doing the stuff that you can't.
I'm smart and you ain't.
Yes, smart.
Well, that's one word for it, Fat Wizard.
Wouldn't be the word I'd choose, but things are open for interpretation, I suppose.
I do want to say, though, credit where it's due.
There was one part of this video that I saw, and I thought it was legitimately positive.
So here I will look at the silver lining.
And I think there's one part of the song that had a great message.
And I wanted to show that to you also.
Watch this.
You got the name and number.
I got the edit.
We can put something together.
I got the alley and caddy.
They here for show.
Make them big hitters look better.
Rippin' D off, I swipe.
Head to my feet.
Had the Amir in my jeans.
She a fin with the blue tip bullies.
And that bitch come with a beam.
Unemployment so sweet.
We had 1.5 land this week.
Okay, so he's talking about killing people.
He's, of course, bragging about felony fraud.
Fine, fine, fine.
But in the video, he's actually, and you can't see this if you're listening to the audio podcast, but it's not reflected in the lyrics, but in the video, he's rapping in one scene with a toothbrush.
He's got his toothbrush in the bathroom, and he's kind of like brushing his teeth, and he's also rapping at the same time, just like I do every morning, in fact, when I'm brushing my teeth.
I think that's a really positive message about oral hygiene.
That's the main headline for me.
As a hopeless optimist.
I see that and I think, okay, that's what this is really about.
These guys defrauded unemployment in order to be able to fund and shoot this PSA for oral hygiene.
And maybe this will start a trend.
And all the rappers will try to one-up each other by showing off their elaborate dental care routines.
It's possible.
Next thing you know, Drake is going to have a video where he's guzzling Listerine out of a golden chalice.
I mean, who knows?
It could be a positive development.
And that's what I'm going to take from this.
In this case, I will see the positive.
Best of luck to Newt Bizzle.
I would hate to think that he goes to jail for 22 years and we are deprived of his music.
It'd be hard for me to even go on in a situation like that.
All right, before we get to our daily cancellation, we've been talking about the COVID lockdowns and everything.
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All right.
Time for our daily cancellation.
Today we're going to cancel phone calls.
Nobody's allowed to talk on the phone anymore for any reason.
I have to put an end to it.
It's gotten out of hand.
There is simply no good excuse to engage in this kind of primitive barbarism anymore.
It amazes me still, every day, that in the year 2020, there are still people, lots, even probably billions of people, who will intentionally pick up their phone, dial a number, and attempt to have a purposeful, live conversation with another human being on the other end.
This is flabbergasting to me.
My ghast is officially flabbered by it, and I'll tell you why.
First of all, in 99 out of 100 cases, whatever's being communicated on the phone could have been communicated with greater efficiency through another method, like text message or email.
Or, depending on the situation, simply waiting until you see the person face-to-face.
My wife is notorious for this.
She'll sometimes call me while she's out and I'm at home.
17 minutes into the conversation, I'll say, wait a second, where are you right now?
And she'll say, oh, I'm in the driveway, pulled in 16 minutes ago.
But there are worse offenders than this.
Consider the sort of person, this is the worst kind of person, period, in existence.
The sort of person who you text a question to them, could be even a yes or no question, literally a question that would require a one-word response, and they call you to deliver it.
Or the sort of person, and this is often the exact same person, who will text you and ask to schedule a time to talk on the phone.
And if you're me, you'll try to schedule the chat for sometime in the year 2027, but invariably you'll end up chatting sooner than that.
And what always happens?
The thing they wanted to talk about, they could have simply said to you through the initial text message.
There was like one additional sentence of information they wanted to communicate and for some reason they insisted on doing it through audible dialogue.
Why is this a problem?
Well, because everyone knows phone conversations come with baggage.
There are strings attached.
There are the initial pleasantries leading up to the meat of the discussion and then branching off down a million unrelated avenues.
And finally, the lengthy goodbye process, which usually involves me saying something like, all right, gotta jump off.
Or the classic, I'm gonna let you go now.
Translation, I don't wanna talk to you anymore and hope to never speak to you again ever in my life, you blabbering boar.
But whenever I drop one of those hints, the other person always just charges through.
Continues prattling on.
And I have to continue strategizing new ways to end the conversation.
It's a game of chess, basically.
A showdown.
That's how I view every phone conversation.
You should know.
If you've ever spoken to me on the phone, I can tell you right now, I spent the entire conversation strategizing ways in my head to end it.
Everything I said in the phone conversation was really my attempt to segue into a conclusion.
That's it.
Now, I might feel differently if phone conversations in real life function like they do in the movies.
Perhaps you've noticed, and this has bothered me for years because it's so unrealistic, that people in movies, when they're talking on the phone, they never say goodbye.
One person or the other simply reaches what they believe to be the end of the exchange and they hang up, unannounced.
Oftentimes, too, there's no hello.
There's no hello, there's no goodbye, no small talk.
Every phone conversation in movies goes like this.
Person one calls person two.
Person two picks up the phone, but doesn't even say hello.
Person one, not flummoxed by this, then delivers a piece of information like, meet me tonight at 11 o'clock, under the bridge.
And person two then just hangs up.
Never says a word, not one word.
And person one isn't offended.
There's never a scene where person one follows up with a text message and is like, dude, why'd you hang up on me?
I didn't even tell you what bridge yet.
There are 14 bridges in this town.
How do you know where we're going to meet?
What's going on?
Are you okay?
That never happens.
The phone conversation is as efficient as a text message, but with a touch of ESP, where the two sides already know certain things about each other's intentions without it being said out loud.
Now, if that's how it was in real life, maybe I'd be okay with people calling me.
But it's not.
So I'm not.
What I hate most about phone conversations, aside from how frivolous and unnecessary and boring and circuitous they always are, the other thing I hate is that I'm speaking to a disembodied voice that is injecting itself directly into my eardrum.
It's very unnatural and intrusive.
I can't read the voice's body language, it can't read mine, and there can't be any gaps in the conversation.
That's the worst part, actually.
When you're talking to someone in your living room, it's okay for there to be gaps and pauses and breaks.
You can run into the kitchen, you can go to the bathroom, where neither person is saying anything.
But in a phone conversation, gaps are torturously awkward.
They can't be tolerated.
And so the empty space in the conversation must always be filled, which only leads to more banal small talk, which extends the conversation that by any measure should have petered out long ago.
And the absolute worst of all, the person calling you, Simply by the act of calling you is intruding into your day with no concern for what else you might be doing.
When that phone rings, it's like someone running into the room going, let's talk now!
We have to talk now!
Now!
Talk now!
Talk now!
And then when you do talk, thinking it must be an emergency, they say something like, oh hey, just checking in.
It's unacceptable.
By simply calling someone in the first place, you are being, at a minimum, rude.
But probably, I would argue, that making a phone call is itself an immoral act.
Worthy of eternal damnation.
That's why phone calls are cancelled.
There will be no exceptions.
I don't want to hear any guff about how, well, I'm out of town on business for three weeks and I want to talk to my kids.
Don't give me the sob story.
Rules are rules.
Phone calls are cancelled.
And we will all be better off for it.
That's it today.
Thanks for watching, everybody.
Thanks for listening.
Godspeed.
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